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Howard started off the show saying he didn't know it was Columbus Day today and he's a big Columbus guy but he's working anyway. He said that he should be out sailing around the world trying to discover new worlds but there are none left to discover. Artie said that it would be great if Howard could find some people to give his own name to. He could call the natives ''Sternians'' or something like that.
Howard said that it's funny that the Indians here in this country were found and thought to be from India. He said that's kind of like the name Baba Booey sticking with Gary all these years. Howard said that Columbus thought he'd landed in India here and called them Indians and the name stuck.
Howard and the guys talked about how crazy the whole Columbus situation was and how scary the world is. Robin said that the Indians here saved Columbus' ass when he got here and look at the thanks they got for doing that.
Robin asked Fred if he sees that he's so wrong now. Fred said that he got a lot of mail about that subject and a lot of people agreed with him and Artie on that subject. Howard said that, once again, he's right. Fred said that's right in this situation.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he likes that Fred has been talking lately. He said that Howard should let him do that more. Howard said he likes Fred because he contains him and doesn't let him talk all the time. He controls that part of the show and that's why he likes him.
The caller also started to get into another subject but Howard hung up on him and took another call. The next caller asked Fred about how he feels that Howard was right again. Fred seemed to be okay with it, he wasn't upset. The caller was getting a little annoying so Howard hung up on him too. He took another one and the next caller brought up the Danny Bonaduce thing and tried pointing out what went on there. Fred said they were passed that already so he didn't get into it.
Howard refused to take Fred's $100 for the bet. Fred put the money on his desk and told him to take it but Howard said he wasn't going to. Howard told Fred he's overreacted once again and the proof is in the tapes.
Gary came in and said that this Susan Waldman announcer is really annoying in the way she talks about her home town team. He goofed on her a little bit about that stuff. He was also saying that if the Yankees win again they'll just have more stuff to rub in the faces of the other team's faces. They have 26 championships already and if they win, they get one more and they'll be rubbing that in the Mets fans faces. Howard said that they're just a better team than the Mets.
Gary and Artie gave their arguments for why the whole Yankees winning would be horrible or great depending on who you ask. Artie gave his argument for why they're the best and why the Mets suck. He said that he just states the facts when he argues with Mets fans.
Howard said that he's kind of a Mets fan because his father used to take him to their games. He doesn't argue with people about them though. He said that he's told Gary to just switch allegiance now. In 10 years no one will remember he was a Mets fan.
Artie said that he thinks that the Yanks will win tonight. Howard wondered if this will be the end of Joe Torre if they don't win. The guys all pretty much think that Torre is done after this season.
Howard went on to say that he was talking to Gary about switching from the Mets to the Yankees and Gary said that's a pussy move. He told a story about this Jewish guy who found a woman that he loved who wasn't Jewish. He stopped talking to his family, changed his name and moved on to become Christian. Many years later he now doesn't think of the guy as being a Jew. He said that's what Gary could do if he changed his allegiance to the Yankees now. He said that 20 years from now no one will care. He may take some ribbing at first but people will eventually forget.
Howard asked Artie if he would accept Gary into the Yankees family if he dropped the Mets. Artie went into his Godfather impression and said that Gary would have to do a few things to get in on that. He said he'd have to denounce the color orange and do a few other things. Artie said he'd let him in but he might still give him some ribbing about being a Mets fan in the past.
Gary said he's happy with his sports allegiance and he's not changing. Howard told him that his kids are the ones who are going to suffer. They're Mets fans too and now they're going to be let down every year.
Howard said he was reading David Hinkley's column today too and they're saying that Dennis Miller is going to a radio station there in the city. They also say that Imus is returning to radio and making a big deal out of that. He said that he's not sure who is clamoring for Imus to return to radio. He's never gotten ratings higher than the guys who are on WABC right now. They've always beat Imus so he can't imagine they'd replace them. He said that Hinkley says that they may bring Imus in because he gets better advertisers. Howard doesn't get that because if he has lower ratings, that shouldn't be the case.
Howard talked about this Scarborough report that tells people about what kind of people are listening to radio and Imus used to claim that he had people listening to make more money than the people who listen to Howard Stern. Howard said that if you read that report, you'll see that he was full of shit. He said that the reports actually showed that they had people listening to had a higher median income than the people listening to Imus. He said that these reporters just report anything that Imus tells them.
Howard spent a few minutes goofing on Imus and his crew who may be coming back with him to the air. He said that Imus hasn't gotten ratings on radio since the WNBC days and he really can't understand why such a big deal is being made about his return.
Howard said that Dennis Miller is going to WOR radio which is full of conservative talk radio guys. He said that Dennis is conservative but he doesn't seem to have the same kind of agenda that some of these other guys do. Artie said he's a funny motherfucker but he kind of becomes a bore when he starts to get serious.
Artie said he heard that Dennis was going to get back into the sports thing too but after that Monday Night Football debacle, he'd be surprised if that happened.
Howard said he hopes that Imus does come back and they see that his ratings are lower than Curtis and Kuby. Artie compared Imus being on for so long to that show ''JAG'' which was on forever but didn't get ratings. Howard said that show actually did get ratings, they just don't know of anyone who actually watched it. Howard said that Imus really never got ratings but somehow managed to stay on the air for many years. Robin said that he just keeps failing upward somehow. Howard said no one is looking for Imus on the radio and this is unbelievable.
Howard said he likes that Imus is out at his ranch rotting away. He read that he plays chess with his son out there on the ranch and he'd love to play against him and beat his ass. He said that Imus is probably shitty at that game just like he's shitty at everything else he does.
Howard said he got Kid Rock's new album but didn't get a chance to listen to it. He went out to a movie screening over the weekend. He said he was at this movie ''Things We Lost in the Fire.'' He said that the movie was really good but it probably won't make any money. He said that he goofs on Halle Berry all the time but she's really a good actress. He also said that Benicio Del Toro is a great actor as well and both of them were in the movie. He said that he got to talk to Benicio who he's met a few times before. He said that he talked to him about the movie before it started and he told him he got to do a sex scene with her in the movie. Howard said that she really can act too.
Howard said he saw a sign next to him that read ''Voight'' and then one that said ''Pitt'' and he figured that he was going to have Brad Pitt and John Voight sitting next to him. He said he started thinking that maybe John doesn't like him and stuff like that. He and Beth were whispering to each other about how cool it was going to be having them sitting there. They were pretending not to be excited but they really were.
Howard said that all of the people at the screening are really good looking, except for him. He said that Beth was all dolled up and looking great while he looked like shit. They were talking about how money can get you into that kind of event. Robin said she was out visiting Sam Simon over the weekend and the money thing really does a lot for people. She said that his place is really nice out there in California.
Howard said that this movie really explains Artie's life with the whole heroin thing. Benicio plays a character who is addicted to heroin and he goes through the same kind of stuff that Artie has. Howard said that Benicio has to get off the stuff and goes through the withdrawals and stuff.
Howard said that John Voight showed up eventually and came over to sit in his seat. He said John leaned over and asked him how he was doing. Howard said he shook hands with him and introduced him to Beth. He said he pulled out Beth's hand gel out so he could sanitize his hands. He said John was watching him and asked what he was doing. Then Beth asked him why he was in her purse looking for the hand gel. Beth busted him for that even though she should know him better than that. Howard said that Brad Pitt never showed up, some other Pitt showed up and it may have been Brad's brother or something.
Howard said that there was a guy who responded to her ad and said that she's only going to get older and uglier while he's going to make even more money. He wanted to know what she had to offer to the relationship since she's just going to get older and saggier. Artie said that's why he's perfect for her, he'll be dead by the time she turns 35.
Howard read this ad that the chick posted. She talks about the people she's seen out there who aren't all that hot but are married to really rich guys. The guy who wrote back to her said that she's a depreciating asset and he's an appreciating asset. The guy goes on to say that he'd rather lease her than ''buy'' her like she was looking for. He said that she'd leave him if his money was gone while he'd like to leave her when her looks are gone.
Howard said that Gary called the guy who posted the response to her ad and it's legitimate. He said that they may talk to one of them or maybe both. Gary said that the woman is looking for marriage and not just dating. Artie said that he may still be the right guy for her. He wondered if she's really as good looking as she claims she is. Howard said that they may have to get her in there to find out what she looks like.
Howard said that Crackhead Bob is coming in today with some very sad news. He also mentioned that Kid Rock will be in and then went to break.
Howard said that Richard was out flying around visiting haunted houses and stuff. He said that Richard and his girlfriend got an upgrade to first class and ended up having 8 drinks a piece. They had to figure out if the upgrade was worth it based on the amount of alcohol they were going to get for free. Richard said that it was really early in the morning but they still served them.
Richard said he had 8 or 9 vodka and cranberry drinks and she didn't have quite as many as he did. He said that they are both terrified of flying and that makes them feel much better. Howard said they don't need to drink that much to calm themselves down. Howard said that Richard is all red and bloated from drinking so much.
Gary asked Richard if he books flights based on their airport bar. Richard said that is the way he does it, he flies Jet Blue because they have a great bar at JFK. He said that he doesn't think he gets really wasted these days so Robin asked him if he knows what really wasted even is these days. He said he got a good buzz off of those drinks he had on the plane.
Howard said that Richard goes to these haunted houses and taped some of what happened out in Denver and Kansas City. They really are very scary and physically exhausting. Howard played some of the audio where Richard and his girl are screaming as they get scared. Then they start laughing. Richard's girlfriend really has a high pitched screech that she lets out when she gets scared. There was one part where a guy starts up a chainsaw and scares the crap out of them.
Artie wondered how they keep getting scared even though they know that they're fake. Richard said that he imagines that there are some nutty people out there who don't actually work there at the haunted house and they may just try and kill them. Richard said that these things are really big and they attract a lot of people. Howard asked Richard if it's scarier being chased by those people or by a bar of soap. Richard just laughed.
Howard said he can imagine people getting hurt when these things get out of hand. Robin said that there was a roller coaster that broke recently and ended up rolling backwards and slamming into the station and then hydraulic fluid sprayed on the people in the coaster. She said that's a really scary Halloween for those people.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up Richard's drinking and how he gets so out of hand on the flights he takes. Sometimes he has to be taken off the plane in a wheelchair because he gets so wasted. Richard said that he has been cut off before while he's flying but not because he's out of control, just because he's had too many drinks.
Artie said that Lisa shouldn't have any reaction to that and wondered why she cared so much. She said that it was going to make a great news story. She wanted to cover all of the stuff that was going to happen there.
Lisa said that's some Christmas present for her, not having a wedding. That led to Artie asking about the secret Santa thing that Howard was talking about doing this holiday season. Howard said that he's going to call Robin to make sure that they're good to go with the secret Santa thing and not get everyone gifts. Robin wants to stick with it. So does Fred. Howard said that if they want to make that happen, they should do the name picking on the air tomorrow. He told Gary to get that list together so they can pick names.
Lisa said that on this day in 1993 Howard's book ''Private Parts'' was released. That led to Howard talking about how hard it was to write that book and how happy he was with it when it was done. He said that he missed his whole summer the year he was writing it. He said he believed in the book and said it was really cool to have the book in his hands after it was done.
Jessica Hahn called in and said that this article was really big for a People magazine article. She read through some of that and told Howard about how they must have gotten her at this ''Elizabeth'' movie premiere. Jessica was all out of breath so Howard asked her what was going on there. She said that she thought she had someone snooping around her house because her dog was going nuts earlier. She was running around the house looking to see if anyone was there so that's why she was out of breath.
Howard let Jessica go and told her to go find the intruder. He said he likes that she's scared of an intruder but she had to call the show with that People magazine article.
Lisa said they have a new Page 69 segment and this time they have a story about Jason shopping around for a Halloween costume for his dog. Howard said that he doesn't want to hear about Jason and Will in those Page 69 segments. He said you don't read about Richard Johnson in his column. He let Lisa go after that.
Howard asked Artie if he took that Armless Johnny guy with him to his comedy show. Artie said he did bring him up to New Hampshire over the weekend. He also brought JD with him up there and JD was part of the entourage. He said that JD helps him out with some stuff on the road. JD said he was taking care of Armless Johnny by pouring him some beer and stuff.
The Howard TV guys taped this stuff so they showed a shot of Johnny throwing himself into the car they went up to New Hampshire in. Gary said that there was a time when the Howard TV cameraman said it seemed that JD was tired of Johnny and did something kind of sad. Gary showed the clip where Johnny was trying to get on a bar stool and JD just stood there watching him. He eventually tried to help him out but he didn't do it right away.
Artie said that he put Johnny on right before he went out. Johnny did a little more than 5 minutes and looked relaxed on stage. He thought Johnny did really well out there. He said he'd even have him do more shows with him. Howard played some of the tape of Johnny doing his jokes. He told one joke about how he looks like bin Laden after the bomb hit him. Someone from the audience yelled at him to do a cartwheel but the guy has no arms.
JD said that there were some chicks there begging him to make out with them. He said that he didn't want to make out with anyone because he was feeling kind of sick. Howard said that he should have gotten her number at least. JD said that he's never going to be up in New Hampshire again. Artie said that those people will drive down to New York if you tell them to. He went on to say that JD did something kind of funny at the show. He was up on stage and didn't have much to say but then he hears this loud cheer from the crowd. JD told him that he'd told the crowd that the Yankees had lost and that's what got the cheer.
Howard told JD that he should just go out on stage and do that whoop laugh of his instead of doing material. He said that he has to do more than what he claims to do. He said that it sounds like he doesn't do anything at all. Artie said they were supposed to have music playing out there but that didn't happen so he had to tell JD to say something. Howard had to go to break a short time after that discussion.
Howard said that he was listening to Kid Rock's new album, ''Rock and Roll Jesus,'' and he's written a country song about his breakup with Pam Anderson that's pretty revealing. He said that he thinks that there was something that went on with her and Kid Rock where he claims that she had a miscarriage but she ended up partying with some friends and stuff right after it happened.
Howard said that it must have been a pretty bitter break up because in this song of his, Kid claims he has a woman half her age and better looking than her. He played the song ''Half Your Age'' where he sings about this chick being half her age and twice as hot (as Pam). Howard said he has a lot of things to ask Kid about when he gets in there. Gary told him earlier that Kid was running a little late.
Howard said that the album is a rock album but he threw that one country song in there. Howard said he seems to be being nice to Pam. If it was him, he would just call her a cunt. He said he likes Pam, he's just saying that's what he'd say about her. He played Larry Pierce's ''She's a Worthless Cunt'' song right after saying that he'd call her a cunt.
Howard said he should play that song for Kid Rock when he comes in. He said he was trying to get Benjy's attention during the song but he was buried in his food so Artie had to throw something at him. He said it's a good thing that Artie has a good arm. He said he has to figure out a way to get Benjy's attention during stuff like that.
Howard said Gary did get an interview with porn star Devon Lee. He played the tape of that interview where Devon says that she would sleep with OJ. She said that it was never proven that he killed his wife so she wouldn't have a problem with that. She was 50/50 on the subject so Howard and Robin talked about how crazy that sounded. She said that she finds the guy hot and she'd bang him. Garver also asked her if she trusts the Jews. She said that she only trusts some of them.
Kimberly Kane was interviewed next. She's the chick who went out with JD a couple of times. Garver asked her if she's had a lot of new penises after JD. She only said that he was great and didn't bad mouth him. She also said that she would participate in a snuff film, let a dog lick her but wouldn't do an interracial scene. Howard thought that was kind of crazy and said there can never be peace in this world if people think like that.
Garver asked Kimberly what race she refuses to have sex with. She said Persian and also said that she's never fuck OJ Simpson. Howard said that was a redundant question because she said she doesn't do interracial sex scenes earlier in the interview.
Howard had one more interview with a porn star. Garver asked this one questions about banging elderly men. She said that she did one old guy who paid her $15,000 to have sex with her. She also got a $75,000 Mercedes for that. She said she had to do the guy about 5 times and that's what she got for that deal. She also said that she'd sleep with Hitler for $50,000. Garver asked her what kind of crazy stuff she's had guys ask her to do. She said that there was one scene she was supposed to shoot where her slave was going to eat her shit out of the toilet but she refused to do that. The guys said that there's some crazy shit that guys are into.
Howard said the last time he saw Kid he was out on his wedding tour. Kid said that stuff was fun, it was being married that sucked. Howard noticed that Kid was wearing a WLLZ t-shirt and talked to him about the old stations in Detroit. That WLLZ is gone now but Howard and Kid remembered them.
Howard asked Kid about this song ''Half Your Age'' that he wrote about Pam. He also asked Kid how things went so wrong so quick in the marriage. Kid said that it was about the money. He said that he had the money and she didn't. He said that the worst thing in life is to be famous without money and that's what the problem was. Howard said that's true, she's done some TV shows and stuff and didn't make a lot of money. She didn't even get paid to do the Borat movie according to Kid. He said that even Tommy Lee doesn't have all that much. Artie said that Kid writes his songs so he gets a lot of money for his publishing and stuff.
Kid said that he doesn't want to talk about some of this stuff but he had a joint account set up for he and Pam. He was giving Howard some nods as answers so he wouldn't say anything that could get him in trouble. Howard asked Kid if Pam is worth less than $3 million. Kid only nodded according to Howard.
Howard asked Kid what went wrong. He said that there was some stuff that went on with his family where Pam disrespected his mother. He said that Pam was very vocal about not liking his mother. He said that didn't fly with him. He said that things happened very quickly after that. He said that he ended up getting back together with Pam after someone hooked the two of them up on a boat trip.
Kid said that he can't tell the whole story about what happened with he and Pam but all he could say is that he didn't have a pre-nup when he married Pam. He said that the law in California is that it's a 50/50 split and it's from the point of getting married to when they divorce. He bought a $12 million house at the time and he was also writing this record that just came out and that means she'll probably get some of that.
Howard asked if Pam was as good in bed as a guy would expect. Kid said he imagined a whole family thing going on but it just didn't happen. He said that he had a friend who asked him why he'd get married with the life he has going on now. He said that his friend was right. Kid said that he's got custody of his son and he moved him from Detroit and out to Malibu which was a big change for him. He said that he really was a good sport about the whole thing abut he realized that it was a drastic change for his son. He said he had a huge support system in Detroit.
Kid said that Pam's kids were great but Pam made his son sleep in a different room than her kids because she was afraid that he was going to hurt them or something. He said that she was really insecure about a lot of stuff. Robin wondered why Pam had all of this control and then figured it was just pussy controlling guys as usual.
Howard asked Kid about this Tommy Lee thing that's going on. Kid said that he thinks that it was a jealousy thing with Tommy. He said that Tommy is like a thorn in his side. He said he actually feels for Tommy as far as the kid thing goes with Pam.
Howard said that Kid was at the MTV Awards show recently and Tommy Lee picked a fight with him. Kid came back to his table after going to the bathroom and Tommy was sitting in his chair. He said that he went right up to Tommy and popped him in the face. He said that he didn't know why Tommy was there near his chair at all. He said he was just there at the show to promote his record, he doesn't know why Tommy was there. Tommy isn't in a band and he's 45 years old so he's not sure why he's going to these award shows.
Howard asked Kid about sex with Pam. Kid said that it was good but Howard wanted details. Kid didn't want to go there with him because he doesn't kiss and tell. Kid said that he didn't like that Pam called Howard first after they broke up. Howard said that she told him a story about going to the Borat movie and Kid freaking out about the stuff she did in it. Kid said that she made herself look so bad when she came up with that story because everyone who knows them knows that it wasn't true.
Howard asked Kid if he'd do Pam again if he had the chance. Kid said he's over that and that will not happen again. Kid said that she was like a hot stove that he wanted to touch and he touched it. That led to Kid talking about how he's moved on and took a hot chick to the Yankee game last night. It turns out her name is Krista Ayne and she was on the cover of Rolling Stone with him.
Howard asked Kid more about this Tommy Lee thing and what happened with the fight. Kid said that he's up on charges and he's really hoping that he doesn't get any jail time for that. He said that Tommy was sitting there in his chair and he went over and told him to get the fuck out of it. He didn't say what he did next, he reenacted the scene for Howard and Howard described it as a punch in the face. Kid mumbled some stuff and said that Tommy waited until he was held back before he tried to come back at him.
Howard said that this guy Jeff Beecher wants to give them $5 million to fight. Kid Rock said that he wants $250,000 to sit down and talk to Beecher about this fight before he'll agree to it. He said that he would fight Tommy for free in an alley. He doesn't want to make a fool out of himself on TV. He said that he has a 14 year old son who has to deal with this stuff at school so he doesn't want to do things like that. He said that he wants to call Tommy and tell him that this is all over, that's all he wants to do.
Kid said that he actually did a song with Tommy on his first album. They used to be friendly with each other. He said he asked Tommy to be in his video for ''Bawitdaba'' and Tommy agreed to do it. He said that he had agreed to do it but then backed out after claiming that there was too much traffic on the way to the shoot. He said that he wrote a song for his album and that's the kind of treatment he got from the guy.
Howard said that Kid got text messages from Tommy where he told him that he was a bitch and no one wanted to be with him.
Howard had Jeff Beecher on the phone and he said that he has $5 million guaranteed for the winner of the fight. Kid said he won't talk to him unless he gives him the $250,000 he asked for. Jeff said that Tommy is up for the fight but Kid won't even talk to him. Howard said that Kid had taken his headphones off and that meant that his microphone was off. He had to let Jeff go because of that.
Howard said that Kid has this new album out called ''Rock and Roll Jesus.''
Howard said he was kind of surprised about this Hepatitis C thing. He said that Kid must have been scared from that. Kid said that he's fuckin stupid and he did a stupid thing. He said that she actually threw him under the bus with that story and put out a press release after she'd kept it so quiet for so long. He said that he went on a TV show one day and didn't know that she had put out this press release the day before. He said that they brought it up during an interview and he kept denying it not knowing that she'd put that out. He thought she was nuts after that happened.
Kid talked about how he was sent to anger management one time after he slapped a kid around at a show. He said that he went to the meeting and the woman said that he really didn't seem like an angry guy. He said that he figured he should have been sent to AA because he knows he has a problem drinking.
Howard asked Kid about banging Pam and what that was like but Kid said that he wasn't going there. He asked Howard if he'd come out and introduce him at his Irving Plaza show tonight. Howard said he can't do that, he goes to bed early. Kid said he's doing the show at like 8 o'clock, it's not that late. Howard said he goes to bed around 8 so he can't. Kid said that show is actually sold out so there are no tickets left for it.
Howard asked Kid about playing for the USO and filled him in that Artie isn't allowed go to because he works for the show. Kid said that he went over there and brought Jesse James with him. He said that he had to list him as his tour manager because they weren't going to let him go over there if he hadn't. Kid said that he called his buddy, Senator Bill Frist, and asked him to help get him over there. Howard said the only way he can get over there is if he enlists. Kid said that if Howard and Artie want to go, he can get them over there.
Howard said that Kid grew up in a wealthy family but he moved to a bad neighborhood and started dealing crack so he could make a living on his own. Kid said that he was smoking crack and working on his music back then. He said that the crack isn't physically addictive so he didn't get hooked on it. He said he snorted heroin a few times but didn't get addicted to that either.
Irish John called in and said he heard great things about the new album. He wondered if he'd ever date Britney Spears. Kid said that he wouldn't. He has no desire to be with her at all. Howard said he would have banged her back in the day when she was hot.
Howard said that Kid seems to be a down to earth normal guy but this guy that Pam married over the weekend is only famous for banging Paris Hilton on tape. He said that's kind of odd and wondered what Kid thinks about that. Kid said that he's just happy to have a new album coming out. Howard asked him why she would do something like that. Kid said that she's really insecure and she does stuff like this. Howard wondered why she'd marry Rick Soloman of all people. Kid said that maybe he's a good guy. Robin said he's not, she's met him. Kid said that he's willing to speculate on the situation but he can only comment on what he knows.
Howard took some more phone calls and one guy asked Kid about this guy Shelton Williams (Hank Williams Jr's son) bad mouthing him. Kid said he's good friend with Hank and he's not sure why the guy was writing stuff about him like that. He said he actually had a talk with Hank and Hank said that nothing will come between them even though stuff has come between other people in his life.
Howard asked Kid if he thinks he could end up in jail because of this Tommy Lee thing. Kid said he doubts it but his manager told him not to say anything dumb on Howard's show that could get charges filed against him. He said that nothing has been filed yet but you never know what could happen.
Howard gave Kid a plug for his web site KidRock.com and then said that his girlfriend actually rode the Sybian in the studio. Kid said he never said that she was his girlfriend. They showed him some shots of her on the Sybian but he didn't have all that much to say about it. He wasn't getting into the whole sex talk thing so Howard moved on to play Kid's new single ''So Hott.''
Howard asked Kid if he writes out the music or if he just plays. Kid said he doesn't write it out, he just knows how to play it. He said he knows how to play chords and stuff but he just learned from being around good players.
Howard asked Kid how they edit out the F-word from his song on regular radio. He said he thinks they just mute it out. Howard asked him what other songs he should play. Kid told him to play ''Amen'' which was another good one. Howard played that and it was Kid playing acoustic guitar. He said he really has to get into guitar playing. He had to ask Robin what Kid was singing about in this song. Robin tried explaining it to Howard but he was done with the interview at that point.
Howard was wrapping up with Kid but Kid asked him for a set of his ''Crucified by the FCC'' box set that Howard had out in the 1990s. Howard said he thinks he can get him a copy. He wrapped up with Kid and gave him a few more plugs before going to break.
Howard said that Crackhead Bob is coming in with some bad news this morning. He came in a short time later and Artie said that he's there on a perfect day because the Jets lost yesterday. Bob is a huge Jets fan and he was kind of bummed out about that.
Howard said that he's saddened by the news he's about to give today. He knew what the announcement was going to be and he was upset by it. He said that Bob started coming on the show back when his book came out. Bob was always first on line. He said that Bob had to stop coming on the show when he met a girl that he was dating. He stopped doing the show back then and had to do what he had to do for himself. Bob came back to the show a couple of years ago and they've been enjoying him on there.
Howard said they called Bob the other day to do some stuff for the show but he told them that he can't do it. They asked Bob to come in to tell them what was going on. Bob said that it's very expensive to live where he lives now and he can't afford to stay in this ''tate'' (state) and moving far, far away. Howard said that Bob says that stuff he's done on the show embarrass him so he doesn't want anything to do with that. Bob said that sometimes it does.
Bob said that he's ''a table'' (disabled) and it's hard for him sometimes. Artie goofed on him a little bit and Bob said he was going to kill him if he kept that up. Gary came in and told Bob to tell everyone where he's moving. Bob said that he's moving to Texas. That word kind of came out clear. He said that he has to leave this house he's in now and he has a ''tend'' (friend) down there that's going to help him out. Howard asked him if he picked Texas because it's the easiest to pronounce. They asked him to say Tennessee or Mississippi. He said See and ''Tippisippi'' which made Artie laugh his ass off. Bob told people not to do Crack after that.
Bob said that Artie is the reason he has to leave. His laughter wasn't helping things out. Howard asked Bob if they're ever going to hear from him again. Bob said that if they want to fly him there, he'll come back. He said that he just can't afford to live in New York anymore. He said that it's going to be hot down there in Texas and he's going to be walking around panting. He made the sounds since he couldn't actually say he'd be panting.
Howard asked Bob if he's going to have his Howard and Robin tattoos removed. Bob said that he's okay with what he's done in the past so they're not going anywhere. Howard took a call from a guy who said that bob really can't leave us, it's too upsetting. He said that he's a part of the show and he was in tears as he was saying all of this. He told Bob he really can't leave. Bob said he's leaving in ''one more week and one more day.''
Artie was still laughing his ass off about the ''Tippisippi'' thing and Bob told him that's the reason he has to leave. He doesn't like him. He said that he really doesn't want to leave, but he has to leave. He said he loves the fans that love him and he's sorry he has to leave.
Bob was trying to say something but had a hard time getting it out so Artie laughed and Howard finished his ''My uh, my uh...'' comment with ''Mya Angelou?'' Bob had never been to Texas before so Howard figured that he might not even like it down there. Bob said he'll be okay out there. He said his friend will help him out down there. Bob said that this friend lived in the same house with him and he thinks that he'll be able to help.
Howard asked Bob if he could say Armadillo. He said something like ''Darmadidlo.'' Mariann from Brooklyn called in to say how upset she was that he was leaving. Howard took a couple of calls like that from fans who didn't want him to leave.
Howard played some clips of the stuff that Bob has done for them over the years. He played him singing ''You're Beautiful'' and the call that Sal and Richard made to G. Gordon Liddy using Crackhead Bob clips. Howard asked Bob what his favorite thing was that he's done on the show. Bob had something but he didn't remember who it was that he'd performed this song with. Howard said his favorite is Bob's prank call to the Chinese food restaurant and played that bit. Artie laughed his ass off as Bob was trying to say won ton soup and chicken chow mein.
Howard played another clip where Bob sang along to a John Mellencamp song. He wasn't singing it karaoke style, he was just singing along to the song. Howard told him they had a lot of great moments on the show with him. There was the time they had Bob as the lead singer of Van Halen in a bit they did. Fred didn't have that one available to play though.
Howard told Bob that he was sad that he was leaving the show and he's always been a loyal fan of the show. He said that it shows he's a man of character. He even puts a tattoo on his arm to show his support of the show. He said that if things don't work out for him down there in Texas, he should come right back. Howard told Bob that it's against the law to own more than 6 dildos down there. Bob said ''I did not know that!'' very clearly. Howard asked Gary if he had a gift they could give him to say goodbye to Bob.
Howard said some stuff to Bob in his own little language and explained that it was him saying that he'll always be a friend to him even if his names are confusing. Gary said that all they had to give away was a Becks Beer branded SIRIUS Stiletto. Howard gave Bob that and gave him $500 courtesy of ManGroomer.com. Artie told him he'd give him two Jets playoff tickets too. He said that if the Jets make it into the playoffs, he'll pay for the tickets. He probably won't have to buy those tickets.
Howard played Bob's cover of that ''You're Beautiful'' song again and took another call for a guy who suggested they roast Bob. Howard and the guys don't think Bob would be able to take it. Gary said that Bob ended up storming out of the studio recently when he was up there with Sal and Richard recording something. Bob said that they wanted him to do some gay stuff and he didn't want to do that. He didn't want to pretend he was gay. He won't even pretend to be gay.
Bob said that he's not a homo and kept saying that over and over again. Sal came in and told Howard that they were trying to have Bob make a prank call where he'd ask for a pianist because they knew he'd end up saying penis. Bob caught on and flipped out and walked out of the studio. Richard said they had some audio of Bob freaking out on them when they had him making the prank calls. They were trying to explain to Bob that it was just a prank call. Bob said that he's not gay and didn't want to make any gay phone calls. They let Bob give a little disclaimer where he says he's not gay and he took that seriously and gave a little speech about not being gay.
Howard told Bob that he's going to miss him. Artie told him not to let the door hit him in the ass. Bob said that he has a lot of packing to do. He said he's packed up his TV which made Artie laugh. He said you don't pack up a TV, you have it shipped. Bob said that he's packed up a lot of his stuff and he'll be moving into a bigger apartment down there in Texas.
Bob said that he has to do what he has to do, that's why he's moving to Texas. Artie asked him if he knows how far it is. Bob said that he knows it's far. He said he knows that it's in a different time zone. He said they're one hour behind in Texas. He didn't know just how far away it was though. Howard showed Bob a map and asked him to show where Texas was on the map. Bob got up and went over to the map and actually knew where it was. Howard asked Bob if he knew what state was on the border of Texas. Bob kind of knew and said ''Dokahoma.''
Howard told Bob that Artie might come down to visit him down there sometime. Richard came in real quick and told Howard that he made a CD with 8 phrases that Bob has said so they can find out of Bob can understand himself speaking. The first clip was something about dressing up like Santa Claus but Bob didn't know what he was saying in that clip. Robin knew though. It was actually ''Is it true that you once dressed up like Santa Claus and threw up on the tree?'' Bob had no idea.
Howard played a second clip where Bob says something that no one could get. Bob had no idea what he was saying. Richard said it was ''Do you pretend to like homosexuals in the music business?'' Howard played a third one that Bob claimed to know. Richard said it was ''Is it true you were caught in a hotel room with Howard'' which was kind of close to what Bob said it was.
Howard said his goodbyes to Bob and said that he'll miss him. They played ''Happy Trails'' and both Bob and Howard were singing along to the song as they wrapped up.
Howard said that he may have to have Robin interview the guy about the song. He said that he doesn't know why this guy thinks he's bad for the country. He said that some people think he's good for the country because he makes people laugh. Howard played that opening line and then Fred pointed out some stuff that Merle has done in his life. He pointed out that he's been in jail for robbery, petty larceny and things like that. Howard told Gary to book the guy for the show so he can call the guy a piece of shit.
Jeff the Drunk called in and told Howard that Merle Haggard rules. Artie asked him if anyone from Merle's camp has ever sent him $500 like he has. Jeff said he's never gotten any money from him. Howard said that Kid Rock said that he should be honored that he was even acknowledged in one of his songs. Jeff agreed of course. Howard asked what Merle's best song is. Jeff threw out a bunch of songs that he likes and Fred played one of his songs. Jeff asked if he wanted him to sing along. Of course he didn't. Howard said he wanted to hear Merle sing.
Howard said that the song was horrible, beyond bad. Fred played another one of Merle's hit songs, ''Okie From Muskogee,'' since Jeff had brought that one up. Howard went off on the guy and called him a fuck head and an asshole. Artie made up some lyrics of his own for his song and they were all racist lyrics that seemed to fit the music pretty well.
Howard said that maybe they should stop taking Beet out on the road with them. Shuli said that's what they discussed last night on Miserable Men (Sunday nights 7-9pm on Howard 101). Howard played a clip of Beetlejuice yelling at Sal the Stockbroker about the dirty underwear thing from a show they were doing recently. Shuli said that they asked their producer to take Beetlejuice home when she pulled up next to them after Beet had pissed on the street. She ended up calling him back about 5 minutes later saying that Beet had hopped out of the car and ran off. Shuli had to call 911 but Beet showed up a short time later with a security guard who brought him up for them.
Steve said that they have a story about the Real Doll appearing in a motion picture. He also got in a plug for tonight's Chuck Zito show.
Jon Hein came in and said they'll be talking about Kid Rock's interview on today's Wrap Up Show. They'll also talk about the many other things that went on during today's show. Howard said he saw that Jon hasn't been playing much chess lately. Jon said he's been busy with TV and the baseball playoffs among other things. Howard said that chess is much more important. He let Jon go after that and had Robin start her news.
Robin read through some stories and then Howard took a phone call from a guy who made a couple of requests for some sound effects he hadn't heard lately. He wanted to hear the homeless guy saying ''Uh... Wow!... Good one... yeah.'' so Fred played that quickly. He also wanted to hear Gary singing ''Fly Like an Eagle'' but Howard cut him off and had Robin get back to her news.
Howard said he was running through the channels over the weekend and ran across the movie ''Analyze This'' and said he'd forgotten how funny that movie was. He said it really is a great movie. He quickly talked about that and then had Robin get back to her news.
Bobo called in and asked when the Howard TV episode of Sarah Silverman sniffing Richard's balls is going to be up on Howard TV. Gary checked and said it's already up. Bobo wasn't able to find that one or the Sal and his wife video. They were both up already though. Artie said he likes how Bobo pretends that his whole life isn't dedicated to watching that stuff. He calls in and says he's afraid he's going to get suckered into watching those things.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she'd like to get into the Miss Howard Stern reality show premiere. Howard asked the guys if they were ready to give those away yet. Doug said that maybe she should send in pictures to show if she's hot. Doug said that they will have tickets but they are just days away from giving them away. Doug said that he could get this woman tickets if Howard wants him to. Howard said that they're going to get dressed up for this premiere again. Artie was upset about that because he doesn't have any suits that fit. Howard said that everyone will get dressed up but Artie. Howard said he knows he opened up the flood gates for people to call in about tickets but he doesn't have any to give away at this point.
One of the stories Robin covered was one about an upcoming biopic about rapper Biggie Smalls/Notorious B.I.G. Artie, out of nowhere, started doing an impression of Biggie that was very close to what the guy sounded like. He even had some of the lyrics down and sang some of that for Howard and Robin. They told him that maybe he should try out for the part. Artie said he just knows one of his songs, he was just reciting those lyrics. Howard and Robin thought he was really good though. Artie said he could play the part in black face, he is an actor after all.
Artie stayed in character for the rest of the news and continued to rap and rhyme during the rest of the stories Robin read through. Howard asked if they could put Artie in black face and send him down to the auditions. Artie said he'd do that in a second. He was still in character when Fred played that one song he knew, ''Gimme The Loot.'' Artie knew all of the lyrics and sang along to it as it was playing. He knew it just as well when the song wasn't playing as he did when it was playing. Artie said that song is great, he asked Fred to put it on CD for him.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard tried to end the show around 11:05am. Artie was still in character and doing his impression as Howard was ending it.
Howard started off the show talking about Chuck Zito's show that was on last night. He said that you learn about Chuck and his lifestyle. He said that Chuck is so natural and tells these stories like it's nothing. He said he was listening to some of that show as they were starting the show. He said that Chuck was talking about going to a concert with some of his biker buddies and how he was disrespected when they were there. He played the clip, which was 3 minutes long, saying that Robin had to hear it. He said that all of the guys on the show share the same logic and there's no reasoning with them at all.
Howard said that Chuck talks about threatening to beat the crap out of some dude but he holds off. One of the guys asked him why he didn't do it. He went into the tape a short time later and we hear Chuck talking about going to this Joan Jett and Aerosmith concert with about 9 of his buddies on their motorcycles. They park near the busses for Aerosmith and Joan Jett and they're told they can't park there. A bunch of security guys come over and ask them to leave. They eventually leave but Chuck asks to talk to Ron Delzner who is a friend of his. Chuck said that the guy decided to be a prick and looked like a jerk-off in front of his friends.
Chuck said he made a phone call and went back and talked to Ron Delzner and then asked to see the guy who threw him out. He tells the guy that he'd knock the fuck out of him if he didn't have such respect for Ron Delzner and his people. They eventually got back into the concert and parked where they wanted to park. One of Chuck's buddies said that he should have knocked the guy out. Chuck said he would have if he wasn't in Delzner's office. He also mentioned that Carmen Electra was there with Joan Jett at the concert.
Howard said that Chuck is a real man. He said you feel like you're listening to Goodfellas or something when you hear that show. Howard took a call from a guy who said that chuck's show is great and he really does tell some great stories.
Howard said he likes that Chuck and his guys can just pull right up by the tour busses, get kicked out and then demand that they be allowed back in. Howard said he'd been told to park by the tour busses and they get kicked out and he doesn't have a second thought about it.
Howard had another clip from Chuck's show where he talks about Vegas and why he loves it. In the clip Chuck talks about Vegas with his on-air co-host who can't even say his real name on the air because of some legal problems. Chuck talks about the one time he was out there in Vegas and got laid 3 times in a 4 hour period. He talks about finding a couple of chicks another time who started making out with each other. He said one of them started blowing him and the other one was sucking his balls. He said they started doing each other and everything was great. He said it was just great to be alive out there.
Howard said they've been to Vegas and it hasn't been that great. Robin said that they have Jeff the Drunk bowling in Howard's room instead of lesbians making out and sucking on him.
In another clip Chuck is asked by a listener what he thinks about Danny Bonaduce and Jonny Fairplay's fight. Chuck said he didn't think Danny was that wrong and he would have done the same thing. Irish John called into that show as well so Howard said that guy is on the air all day long on these shows. He jokingly said that they might have to charge him more for his subscription because he's overusing it. John talked to Chuck about the Danny Bonaduce thing and Chuck said that if you jump on someone, you should be prepared for anything that happens after.
Howard played another clip where Chuck was talking about this hot chick he saw out in Vegas one time and how she was with this old man. He figured that she was a call girl. He ended up taking her back to the guy's hotel room and banged her and then brought her back to the casino and the guy never knew.
In another clip Chuck talks about another hot chick out there in Vegas. He said she looked like Eva Mendes, but an 18 year old Eva Mendes. He started making out with her and brought her back to his room as well. He kept talking about how great Vegas is when he'd tell these stories. Howard told Robin that she might want to fuck Chuck too. He said that if he sticks a finger in you, you're going to wake up. He said Chuck probably doesn't usually do chicks Robin's age but he might make an exception for her.
Howard played another clip where Chuck talked about making a movie a couple of months ago. He met this hot chick who he hooked up with. Howard cut that clip off and said that there's this homeless guy on the street who he sees pretty often and the guy used to yell out ''Mick Jagger! Mick Jagger'' when he'd walk by. Now it's morphed into ''Ugly Mick Jagger!'' when he walks by. He said that if Chuck was with him when he did that, he's sure that Chuck would take care of him. He said that guy sucks and if he were Chuck, he'd crack the guy one.
Howard got back to the Chuck clip where he's talking about this chick he met on a movie. He said he told her she was ''smokin'' and she said that she doesn't smoke. Chuck had to explain to her what he was saying. He eventually met up with her at her house and banged her. Howard said he likes how Chuck gets right to the sex stuff and doesn't waste any time with anything else. In the clip Chuck says that the chick told him that he had to fuck her in the ass because she was saving her pussy for her husband. He said that she didn't have to ask him twice and that's what he did. Chuck said he did make sure that it was a chick he was banging by giving her a feel in the front to make sure she had a clit. He said that she was really wet and they had a good time. Chuck's buddy said that he's had some ass before and got some shit on himself. Chuck said that would never happen with him. If it did, he said he'd throw the chick right out the fuckin window.
Howard played another clip where Chuck was asked by a fan about the recent Oscar Delahoya pictures that are floating around right now. Chuck thinks that they were Photoshopped. He said he knows the chick who put them up on her web site and she's a trouble maker. He said that people can make up that kind of stuff pretty easy with Photoshop so he doesn't believe that they're real. He doesn't know that for sure though.
Robin said that they should put Andy and Chuck on a show together. Howard said that Andy would end up being thrown out a window.
Irish john called in and Howard talked about how he wants to have SIRIUS charge him more for his subscription. John talked about how much he listens all day long and it's because Howard has such great shows on the channels. Howard thanked him for the call and let him go.
John had mentioned Scott Ferrall's show which led to Howard talking about how they found out how great the Iron Sheik was when they heard him on Scott's show. Howard was saying that the Sheik is doing comedy shows with Bob Levy and those guys and Sal recorded Sheik being frisked at the airport. He gets frisked every time they go to the airport while the rest of the guys walk right through.
Sal said that Sheik has a hard time getting around because he has a club foot that makes it hard for him to walk. That led to Artie doing his Sheik impression for a short time. Howard played some audio of Sal asking Sheik about Brian Blair and Sheik going off on him for a short time. Howard also played some of Sheik's appearance on Scott's show and a song parody they created form those clips.
Howard said that the Howard TV guys are going to put Sal's clips up on Howard TV sometime soon. Sal said that Sheik and Shuli smoke up a little bit before their shows and Sheik will actually eat his joint when it gets down to the last bit. Sal talked about some of the crazy stuff they do with Sheik at the comedy shows and how they have Shuli getting beaten up by him as a bit. The only problem is that Sheik really hits him with stuff and hurts him.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's getting Howard TV hooked up tomorrow and he can't wait to see that stuff. He said that the shows have been great lately too and he's also looking forward to the History of Howard Stern thing in December.
Eric said that's not worse than the Yankees failing. He goofed on Artie about them losing. Artie asked Eric if he's going to be at the A's game tonight. Eric said he didn't expect them to win and went into a whole explanation about the team. Artie wondered how he knows so much about them.
Gary came in and said that George Steinbrenner has spent $1.1 billion trying to win another World Series since the last time they won. He had all kinds of stats about the team and talked to Artie about that stuff for a short time. The guys were wondering if Joe Torre is going to be fired by the end of today. Artie said that he thinks he'll be around until the end of the year. Howard cut the baseball talk short and got back to Eric.
Howard said that Eric had the chance to meet this Diana Degarmo and got stuck at this wedding. He wondered how important it was. Eric said it was a cousin on his mother's side. The guys asked him if he could get out of the whole thing. Eric said that his parents had the keys to the rental car so he couldn't just leave. Gary said that he's like a man-child who has to ask his parents to drive him around. That's the torture he has to go through. Gary said that you'd think that Eric could get out of the whole thing if he just asked a friend to drive him to meet Diana.
Artie was goofing on Eric and saying that his cousin must hate him. Eric said that his cousin said that he was glad he was there. Howard wondered what kind of charity event this was that Diana was doing. Eric said he forwarded the mail to Will if they wanted to read it. Eric said his friend Susan was told about this event. Gary said it sounded kind of shaky to him and it doesn't sound like Eric was invited, it sounds like his friend was.
Howard took a call from Mrs. Degarmo (High Pitch Eric) who said that she didn't send him an invite. He told Eric that he's going to press charges on him. Eric knew that it was High Pitch but High Pitch kept saying ''Who's High Pitch?'' Howard let him go a short time later.
Gary said that he was looking at the invitation that Eric forwarded to them and there was no personal note about Eric in it. He was a very generic invitation. Eric said that he sent a note about a text message he got from Brenda (Diana's mom) where he's told that she invited him to the event. Gary said it still seemed a little thin and didn't look like a personal invitation.
Howard told Eric that maybe next time he'll get to meet her. Eric said that maybe next time the Yankees have the chance at getting into the World Series he'll get that chance. Howard took a call from a guy who said that he loves Eric and kept telling him that. All Eric could come up with was a ''No thank you'' for the guy. Howard let Eric go after that.
Howard said that Chris from Howard TV shot the show out there. He came in and said that there's not much there in the apartment and it may only last about 5 minutes. He said that there are some druggies living in the building and it's just a creepy environment. He said the nicest thing in the apartment is his SIRIUS satellite radio. He doesn't have any plants or anything. His bathroom was clean and Gary said that he cleans it himself. Artie figured that he throws shit around in the apartment but Gary said he doesn't do that.
Howard asked Chris if Gary can cook stuff. Chris said that he has a freezer full of Hot Pockets and a lot of water. That's about all he has. Artie was goofing on him about that but Gary kept telling him he wasn't talking to him, as he was talking to him.
Chris said that it was like something out of a movie when he went to the apartment. He said that there seems to be a big mental health problem in that building. He said there were at least half a dozen people who were mentally retarded there. They spent a few more minutes talking to Gary before they had to get going.
Gary came in and told Howard that they have Riley Martin out there this morning and the fireworks have already started. He didn't have a photo ID to get into he building so Ronnie had to go down and vouch for him. They made that happen but then Riley started going off on the Hispanic woman down there for taking the word of a white man over the word of a black man. That had nothing to do with him of course, it's just their policy not to let anyone in that doesn't have a photo ID. They had to go to break a short time later.
Howard moved on to Riley Martin who was there to promote his show a little bit. He said that it's probably going to be the same old bullshit with Riley and his alien stories. Riley was wearing a big hat when he came in. Howard said it was some kind of Shamen hat or something like that. Riley was also walking with a cane so Howard asked him about that. Riley said that he has a gimp leg and he's had that all along. He started right in with the money he's making there at SIRIUS and how he was hoping to make enough to fix the leg. Howard told him not to get started on that stuff.
Robin asked Riley why he's wearing women's jewelry. He said that it was not a woman's necklace, and he'd like to take them outside and show them that he's not a woman.
Howard said that Riley is there to promote his radio show that airs at midnight tonight. Riley was also there to celebrate the millennium edition of his book ''The Coming of Tan.'' He's released an audio book now and Howard had some clips to play. He played a clip where Riley was talking about women that he's banged and how they've gotten younger looking after he's done that.
Riley told Robin that she should give him a try and find out for herself if this is true. Howard said that Riley claiming that his semen making a woman younger is kind of a crazy thing to say. Riley said that he thinks that he has gained something being out in space with the aliens. Robin asked Riley why it doesn't do him any good then. He said that he doesn't have anyone who loves him like he loves people so that's why he doesn't get any younger. He also threw in another dig at his low pay there at SIRIUS when he was talking about that.
Howard asked Riley to give him some of that cum on his face so he can get rid of those laugh lines he has on his face. Riley told him he can't help him and he might want to go to an airport bathroom and have someone there do that to him.
Howard told Riley that he appreciates the kind of work he does on his show. Riley said that it would be nice if they gave him some kind of advertisement for his show once in a while. Howard said they do but Riley doesn't think that's the case.
Riley got in a plug for his book and said you can get that through his web site RileyMartin.com. Howard played some more audio clips from his audio book and said he can't wait to get his own copy of that.
Howard asked Riley why he doesn't bring some ID with him to get into the building. Riley said that they always have new security down there in the building and they give him a hard time. He said that he doesn't drive and doesn't have a photo ID when he comes there. He said he's going to get something so he doesn't have this problem in the future though.
Howard said that Riley's co-host, Eron, thinks that Riley drinks too much. Riley wasn't aware of that. Howard had the guys bring Eron in so they could talk to him. Riley told Howard that he's signed on with someone from Broadcaster.com and he wanted him to meet him as well. Howard said he didn't have time to meet his whole entourage today.
Eron came in and said that he thought he could talk to Riley about this stuff but he really can't. Howard asked Riley about what had happened to his wife recently so Riley said that he was celebrating the signing of this new contract with Broadcaster.com one night and he got upset with his wife. He was joking around about defending Howard and his crew. He got back to the discussion about this new contract he has to do some broadcasting with this new company.
Howard tried to get back to this restraining order that Riley's wife had against him. Riley said he was being driven around by a cop when he asked to be brought to the bank to cash his SIRIUS Satellite Radio check. He was dropped off and the bank teller ended up showing his check around to everyone at the bank who laughed at it. He said that he asked to be paid in quarters and dimes and was embarrassed by the whole thing. Riley was laughing his ass off as he was telling this story. He said he went back out to the police car and got in there but the cop asked him to get out. He said that he was told that he doesn't make enough to be a criminal.
Howard asked Riley to stop with this goofy story of his but Riley kept going and claimed that's what happened to him. He didn't seem to want to get into this restraining order thing. Howard asked him how he can have a restraining order against him and live in the same house. Riley said that he never did anything violent. Howard said he wants to know how that happens. Riley said that kind of thing happens all the time. Howard said he's never had a restraining order against him in his life. Riley said this is the first one for him.
Riley said that he may have gotten out of hand yelling at his wife but he would never have a physical fight with her. He said that he can become abrasive with people when he drinks but he didn't break anything and he didn't hit anyone. He said that she may have called the cops and told them about him getting a little out of hand.
Howard suggested that maybe Riley wants to move his show over to this new web site he's talking about so he doesn't have to deal with them anymore. Riley said he wants to continue doing his show there, he doesn't want to leave.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that there are many types of orders of protection that Riley's wife could have had against him. He went through the list but Riley said that it was dropped completely and he has no worries now.
Howard gave Riley some more plugs for his web site and the Broadcaster.com web site. Riley is going to be doing a webcast on there starting on Thursday night. The show will be called Down To Earth with Riley Martin. They want him to do a different type of show than he's doing on SIRIUS. They'll be talking about news and a bunch of different things. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard played more of Ann and Donny talking and she denied saying things that she said to him just minutes before. She was going on and on about her bullshit and Howard said he'd like to throw her out a window like Chuck Zito said. She was on that show promoting her new book and Robin said she can't imagine that anyone would buy the book.
Howard said he wanted to ask Dee about this letter they all got from him saying he was only going to be checking his e-mail once a day. Howard thought it was kind of funny and wondered why he can't check it more than once a day. Dee says that he's got an e-mail monkey on his back and he has to cut back on it.
Dee said that people realized that he was checking his mail so often that they found another way to contact him constantly. He said he had to cut back on that so he sent out this mass e-mail saying that he was cutting back. That led to Howard writing to him and finding him checking his mail twice in one day. Howard said he got a response from him within 3 seconds so he knew that he was checking it more than once a day.
Howard said he read a book on organization that really helped him. He told Dee that he needs a day planner and suggested this Franklin Covey web site that he uses. He told Dee about the book he writes all of his stuff in and explained how he doesn't spend all day checking e-mail. He said that you can make a blueprint for your life and you feel like you're much more in control.
Robin said that she sends out e-mail and people will respond to it immediately. She's shocked by that. Dee said that he just sent this e-mail out as a courtesy. He wanted to explain himself but Howard was asking him when he's checking it. Dee said there's no official time. He said he checks it once at some point in the morning and then tries not to check it the rest of the day.
Howard asked Dee if his life has gotten better now that he's cut back on the e-mail. Dee said that he was able to finish his screenplay because of it. He said he's been working on it for a year and now he's done with it because of cutting back on the mail. He said that he wasn't going to check his mail yesterday late in the day because he knew that he'd get stuck in the mail. Then he had to check for something else and saw that he had two from Howard and one from Gary in there. He had to read them and one of them was Howard saying that he'd been on twice that day.
Dee said that a lot of people were writing to him and telling him to go for it and avoid the mail. Howard wrapped up with Dee a short time later after Dee got in a plug for his Fangoria Radio show that airs Friday nights on SIRIUS 102 at 10pm. Howard let him go a short time later.
Howard said that even when he and Dee had a falling out, Dee's wife wanted to stay in touch. He said that they've always been friends with Suzette no matter what happens. Howard said he told her he had no problem with her after that falling out.
Robin wondered if it's possible that ABC is serious that they're going to replace Curtis and Kuby with Imus. Howard said if he were them, he'd be pissed. They got higher ratings than Imus and they're being replaced by him. Howard said that Imus has this lucky star over his head and he has all of this success without any ratings. He read that Imus got $20 million from CBS to get out of his contract. Robin said she can't believe that. She said she'll have to throw herself out of the window if that's true.
Howard said that he could tell that David Hinkley wrote the article because he was talking up Imus as a revolutionary radio guy. Howard said Imus was doing Moby Worm when he met him on NBC and there was noting revolutionary going on there. Howard said he can't imagine wanting to renew a contract when you have 20 million in the bank and no ratings.
Melrose Larry Green called in so Howard said that he saw an author being interviewed recently about being saved on stage by Melrose Larry Green. He was being physically attacked on stage and Melrose saved him. Howard played the clip where this author is talking about Melrose saving him by tackling the guys who were attacking him. He mentioned that Melrose used to be on the Howard Stern Show.
Melrose said that he's a big fan of David Horowitz and he goes to all of his appearances. He was also telling Howard that he's a fan of Ann Coulter's. He said that he loves Howard but he also likes Ann. He said that she's just a satirist and he thinks that she's trying to be Howard.
Melrose said that Kendra Jade is married to this guy Lucas Rossi from that band Supernova. Howard sounded a little surprised by that but let Melrose go right after that.
Howard got back to the Imus thing and talked about how bizarre it is that they're replacing guys who got much higher ratings than Imus did with Imus. He said that his show is not fun or funny and he doesn't get it. He said that maybe Fahrid Suleman got a good deal with Imus and hired him cheap. He's really not sure.
Robin said she'd like to know what they were arguing about. Howard said that they're the opposite there. They argue on the air and pretend to be nice off the air during the breaks. Howard said he wonders how that tape got out because it was something off the air that was recorded. Whoever put that out there could easily lose his job if they found out he'd put it on the internet.
Howard had another audio clip of this guy Mike Gundy having a meltdown. He's a coach out in Oklahoma and he was upset about the paper criticizing one of his team members. In the clip the guy says that he wants to talk about this article because 3/4 of it is incorrect. He said that he was embarrassed by the article and it had to have been written by someone who doesn't have a child. He said that this kid is just a student that didn't deserve to be ridiculed in this article he'd read. He was yelling at the press during this thing.
Howard said that guy is out of his mind. This is a college team that he's talking about and it's not some little kid that he's talking about.
Howard played another clip off the internet where Goose Gossage was going nuts on the press one time. He was yelling at them and calling them dumb motherfuckers and cocksuckers and stuff like that. He also had one of Brett Myers going off on a reporter. He quickly played that one where Brett says that the reporter is a fuckin retard and tells him to get lost. He chases him out of the locker room after that.
Jessica Hahn called in and said that those two newscasters that he played earlier are known to be very conservative there in L.A. She said that they'll talk about Howard and Robin saying that they're all conservative and Christian and then Howard plays this clip and it's shocking. Howard cut her off and let her go a short time later.
Howard asked Siobhan what she wanted. She said that she knows that they had money for Sal and Christine to do their segment. She asked to be paid for her segment. Howard gave her a quick ''No!'' and told her that there's no reason to pay her on the show. They talked about how they hooked her up with a couple of guys who wanted to fuck her and that should be enough. Howard said that she's looking for air time, Christine wasn't, they paid her to get her to come on the show.
Howard said that they had to offer money to the guy who wanted to bang Siobhan. Siobhan said that they could afford to pay Sal and Christine to come in there but they can't pay her. Howard said that they pay the employees there and they don't pay all of their guests to come in. Siobhan said that they benefited from the segment that she did so she should get paid. Howard said that she called him and asked to have him find someone to fuck her. She said that she was looking for a boyfriend, not just someone to fuck her. Howard said that's up to her, he can only look for these people.
Siobhan said that Howard was trying to wiggle out of this whole thing. He didn't know what she was talking about, he wasn't trying to wiggle out of anything. He told Siobhan that he has no desire to pay her to do anything. He told her that if she doesn't like not getting paid, then don't do it. Siobhan said that she'd like them to ask, on her behalf, the sponsors who benefited from her appearance to pay her. She said that she wants to get paid for her previous appearance. Gary said that things don't work like that. He told her that she asked them to find someone to have sex with her and that's what they did. They didn't ask her to come on the air, it was her idea.
Siobhan said that the show benefited from her appearance and it was thanks to her brother that the operation was done on her so he needs the money. Howard said that he's not paying anyone to do anything for the show. The sponsors will come up with some money once in a while and sponsor a segment. Gary told Siobhan to go out and get a job and work for her money. She said that she is working and then told Gary to come and swap lives with her. Gary told her that she created the life she has. She fucked it up and now she's blaming it on other people.
Howard said that Siobhan is in big trouble. Gary said that she's got to Sheetrock her apartment and her rent is being doubled. Gary didn't know how that could happen if she was a squatter. Siobhan said that she broke her back working on that building. She now has degenerative arthritis and she can't do construction or moving jobs anymore. Howard asked her what she wants from him. She said that she's fucked. Robin wondered how that became their fault.
Howard told Siobhan that they didn't borrow the money from her brother, she did. She said that she shows up for them whenever they want her to. Howard told her that she doesn't have to show up, that's up to her. They don't have a job for her there. She said that she'd like a job there, maybe something in sales or something like that.
Howard told Siobhan that he's going to do her a big favor. He asked her if she can walk. She said she can barely walk so Howard told her to just get a job walking dogs. She said she can't do that because of her back. Howard told her that she can't work then.
Gary said that there are a lot of jobs out there that she could do working from her home. She said she needs health insurance though and needs a real job. Siobhan was still talking about that Sal and Christine bit but Howard told her he can't do anything about that now. if they have a sponsor in the future who wants to pay her, they'll contact her.
Siobhan started to say that if anyone wants to give her money, they can send it to Gary. Gary cut her off and told her not to have anyone send it there. Siobhan said that they can send it to her PO box then. She said that anyone who wants to send her money can send it to her at PO Box 20801, New York, NY 10009. She said to make it out to cash or to Pet Girlz so she can send the money to her brother.
Siobhan was getting all upset about the money she had to borrow from her brother and how upset she is that her brother could lose his house because of it. She said that she can't make that kind of money to pay her brother back and it really sucks. She said that she tried to get her brother to do a 10 year loan but he did a 5 year loan and now he can't pay it. She said that she could have afforded it if it was 10 years but now she's screwed.
Howard told Siobhan that if she can't afford to do all of this stuff, maybe she shouldn't be living in the city. She said that she can't afford to move. She said that she's never taken out loans in her life and that's how she's managed to keep her head above water. She said she doesn't want any hard feelings over this. Howard said there are none, he knows she's at her wits end.
Gary said that they always talk about what criteria they have for Wack Pack members and one of those thing should be ''Can't or won't work'' because that seems to fit. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard asked Jay about where he goes shopping. Jay said that he goes to this guy who helps him pick out what to buy. Howard wondered if he really cares that much about how he looks. Jay said that he does. He also talked about how great his life and career have been but he's been motivated by people like Howard Stern and others. Howard told Jay that he was actually jealous of Jay when he was younger. He remembers him being on 99X in New York City and how great his show was. He said that he remembered hearing Jay talking about moving to California to do the Mork and Mindy show and how jealous he got about that.
Howard said that he was in college at the time and Jay was light years ahead of him in his career. Jay said that he listens to his own old tapes and the shows were just awful. Howard said that Jay has had a great career and has done some good TV and movies like ''Mr. Holland's Opus'' and stuff like that.
Jay said that he used to go nuts hearing Howard doing his thing on his radio show talking about all kinds of stuff he couldn't say on his show.
Howard asked Jay if it's a come down for him to do this kids movie that he just did. He said that it looked like he was going to get Oscar's and stuff back in the day but now he's doing kids movies with Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite. Jay said that he didn't get the movie ''American Pie'' but the people that developed that movie did this one that he's in. He said that he started to work on the movie and realized that he plays the father of a kid who is a pimp trying to earn money for college. He said that Tom Arnold plays himself in the movie. He said he didn't even read the script before he did it. He said he stopped reading them years ago. Jay said that he knows that if he gets a script, it's probably going to be shit.
Howard asked Jay if he thought he was going to get into Seinfeld territory with the good career he had going years ago. Jay said that he's really not hard to work with. He said that he was watching this show ''Pushing Daisies'' the other night and it was a piece of shit. He said that the Caveman show is a piece of shit. He said the show that's not a piece of shit is the Larry David show. He said he thinks that he just had his run when he was doing TV and now it's just not working for him now.
Howard asked Jay if he thinks that he could get some good TV shows and movies. Jay said he thinks that he could do that. He said he recently tried to do some radio locally in Philly but he realized that he just wants to talk and not play records.
Jay was goofing on Howard about his height and how he can't be in movies because he's too tall. Howard asked Jay if there's anyone who gets worse movies than him. Jay said that Eddie Munster gets worse stuff than him. Howard asked Jay if he's going to stick with SIRIUS. Jay said he'd like to stay because he does like it there.
Howard asked Jay where he took his acting lessons. Jay said he took classes with this guy who was able to teach him how to emote really well. He told Howard some stories about how this guy worked and was able to get people to do wild things on stage. He once had a woman masturbating on stage as part of the training.
Jay also talked about doing this class with this really ugly chick but ended up banging her that night anyway. He said that he saw her like a year later after she had her braces taken off and she looked great. He said that acting classes were really odd.
Howard said he heard that Jay was actually pulling for the hurricane in New Orleans. Jay talked about how some people down there think that the white people blew up the levees there to flood the town during that hurricane. He said that it was a horrible thing that happened down there but no one was blowing up any levees there. He said he went down there and fixed up his house there and realized that the homes that were washed away weren't all that great looking to begin with so he's not that sad to see them go.
Jay said that a lot of the criminals are gone from the area down there and he thinks that they should just leave things the way they are now. He said that they should just let the remaining criminals do whatever they want to each other. He said that his place down there is really nice and he lives in a good area so he's happy.
Jay told a story about wanting to go see The Police do a concert. He was going to take the kids when he found out that his son's friend was Stuart Copeland's son. He figured he could get the kid to introduce him to the band but even the kid didn't want to do that for him. He said that he doesn't have a lot of pull with the kids because he's not that big of a star these days. He is in one movie that they like though and that gives him a little pull.
Jay said that he sometimes gets mistaken for Tim Allen and he's not sure where that comes from. Howard gave Jay some plugs for his radio show and also said that he's doing a voice in the TV show ''American Dad'' which is going to be a regular part for him. He said that he plays a right wing atheist in the show and he's doing his own voice for the part.
Howard asked Jay if he has to do the show in a studio with the other actors. Jay said that he does the stuff himself and he's not sure if they're doing it that way because of him or not. He said that sometimes they do have all of the actors in the same studio recording.
Jay was talking about what a piece of crap this caveman TV show is. He said that he tuned in to check it out and instead of seeing guys humping women and scratching their balls, he sees a couple of guys sitting in a bar wearing ties. He said that if he and Howard did that show, they'd have those guys sniffing women's asses. Jay also complained about the movie Knocked UP and how they pussied out with some of the stuff they did in that movie. Howard said that he'll check out that American Dad show since Jay was saying that they're not afraid to hold back.
Howard talked to Jay about his appearance on Larry King and how he got into some trouble for the comments he had about New Orleans. Jay said that Larry was kind of shocked by the stuff he said and it seemed like he was upset that he had to respond to his comments.
Howard said that Jay seems to be losing a lot of his hair even since the last time he saw him. Jay said that he may cut it really short even though he thinks that bald people look very odd. Howard told him that he looks good the way he is now.
Howard took some phone calls and one guy asked Jay why he has Shuli on his show. Jay said that Shuli and this woman Madison are great. He said that there's a lot of talent there in that building and that's why he has them on his show. Howard gave him another plug for his radio show that airs in the afternoons on SIRIUS 102. He went to break after that.
Robin asked Howard if he's seen Britney Spears' latest video. Howard said he hasn't but ended up talking about what a mess that girl is going to be. She's only 25 now and she's got a lot of years ahead of her.
Captain Janks called in and told Howard that he was driving his truck the other day and his front tire flew off while he was doing about 70 on the highway. He said the truck bounced sideways and he saw sparks and stuff. He said that rush hour hadn't started yet but he ended up in the other lane and managed to get it off into the median before he was hit. He said that if it was rush hour, he would have been hit.
Janks said he was able to slam on the emergency brake to come to a stop. He said that if he had gone just another 1/4 of a mile, he would have been on a bridge. If that had happened, he could have ended up going over the bridge. Howard said Janks was lucky enough to have lived through that. They're having Janks up there on the 24th of this month so luckily he lived through it and will be there. Howard wondered if this was sabotage but Janks told him that it's a 20 year old truck and it wasn't sabotage.
Artie said that he's started working on his book already. He said he's finished about 1/2 a page so far. Steve said that they have a story about Scott Farrell's new child and how he was in the room and on the air as his wife was having her baby. Steve also talked about some of the stuff they have coming up on Howard Stern History.
Steve mentioned one story about Beth doing a special thing for Yahoo (The 9) yesterday and said that there are apparently a lot of people who watch that stuff. He had Steve finish up his news preview and then had Jon Hein come in with his stuff.
Jon Hein said that on today's Wrap Up Show they'll be talking about Riley Martin's visit today and also about Siobhan's call and many other things. Howard had Robin get to her news after that.
Robin read through a couple of stories and then Howard took a call from a woman, Daphne, who said that she has a thing for Benjy and she's not sure what it is. Howard asked her if she was good looking. She said that she is but Howard said her voice didn't make her sound good looking. She said that she's 36 years old. Howard said that she was kind of annoying and so was Benjy so both of them were annoying. Gary said that she has an annoying cadence to her voice too.
Howard asked her to describe herself and she said that she's an escort and 5'9'' tall. She said she's her own escort and doesn't work for a service. Benjy was getting the feeling that she wasn't a woman and it might be a guy. She said that she's hear own boss so she controls the kind of money she makes. She said that she gets paid $400 an hour and Benjy said she has to be extremely hot to make that kind of money in New York.
Benjy asked her if she knew how often her period came. She said that it was 28 days. Benjy wanted to check out her pictures so Howard put her on hold so they could get her information. She didn't want to give out her web site on the air.
Howard asked Benjy if he could ever date an escort. Benjy said he's not sure he could do that. Artie said that he'd have some issues with something like that. Benjy didn't seem to have a big problem with it because he was considering going out with her.
Gary came back in a short time later and said that you can't really see her face in the pictures. He showed the pictures and she did have a good body. Howard said that she could lose about 10 pounds. Benjy said he can't believe that it's her body. He said that she's got a beautiful body. She said that it's all real and she's had no work done on her. Howard told her she'd be really hot if she lost a few pounds.
Gary said that's all they have of her right now. She likes to keep her anonymity. She said she doesn't do that all the time, she works as a copy editor. Benjy said he'd take her number and check her out. Howard said he has to report back about it if he does go out with her. Daphne said she just wants to keep her anonymity.
Benjy asked what it is about him that interests her. She said she likes his sense of humor and his voice on the air. Gary came back with some feedback that he'd read about her on this web site. One guy said that she was the best looking woman in the lobby of the hotel when he went down to meet her.
Gary said that the guys do complain about her being late in the feedback on that site. She said that's true, she does show up late. She said that she might do two guys a week or so to make some money. She doesn't do it a lot. Gary read through even more of the feedback and found one guy who was saying that she doesn't seem to know the word ''no.''
Daphne said that she was naked as she was talking to them. Howard told her to put some underwear on. Benjy said that he'd go to meet her after the show with the Howard TV cameras. She said she didn't want to have cameras there. Howard told Benjy to just go meet her alone. Benjy said he'd give her a call after the show and set something up with her.
Another woman called in and said that this woman is full of shit. She said that if she's a copy editor then why would she do this? Benjy said that it's not that unusual for someone living in New York. Benjy said that the whore thing would be kind of a stigma with his family if he dates her. Howard had to let her go so he put her on hold and told her that they'd give Benjy her number.
Howard had Robin finish up her news. He wanted Artie to get out of there and go to sleep. He was getting tired just looking at him. Artie said that he had to take his Subutex today because he has a TV commercial to shoot today and also do a private comedy show tonight. He doesn't know how he gets wrapped up in these things. He said he's doing a favor for someone to do the comedy show and he doesn't know why he agreed to do it. He sounded completely wiped out when he was talking to Howard about that stuff.
Howard asked Artie what he would pay to give up that show tonight. Artie said that he'd pay the guy ten grand to get out of it. Howard told him he should call and ask them if he can get out of it. Artie said that he can't do that because it's a cancer charity thing. He also said that he was told that it was going to be all adults so he could do his R-rated material. Then three days ago he found out that there are going to be kids there so he has to rewrite the whole act. Those are the reasons he has to take Subutex today. Howard wrapped up the show a short time later, right around 10:55am.
Howard started off the show talking about how he wasn't on the air because of some technical problems. They thought they still weren't on the air but Gary told Howard they were working on it. Howard jokingly said that his contract says that if he's not on the air for 3 seconds, he can go home. Howard said that they had some issues with their studio and the Joe Walsh song was an emergency backup clip that plays.
Robin said that she heard that Oprah had Martha Stewart's daughter on her show the other day and she refused to say the word ''SIRIUS'' when she was plugging her radio show.
Howard said that they were broadcasting earlier but everything that they were talking about didn't make it out on the air. Howard joked that Robin had taken out her tits.
Howard played a clip of this Yankees announcer Suzyn Waldman who was talking about Roger Clemens coming back and her voice was just cutting right through him. Artie said that he hates to say it but she really is annoying. Howard played more of that audio and she had this strange voice with the Boston accent and it was very annoying.
Howard said that Artie was on The Best Damn Sports Show recently and they cut out some of his comments about Suzyn Waldman and they cut it out of the show. Artie said that he told the guy who he was talking to that he'd won a Suzyn Waldman look alike contest and the guy looked at him and said there was a resemblance.
Howard played more audio of Suzyn talking about the Yankees losing and breaking down and crying as she was talking about them. Howard talked about how Artie has season tickets for the Yankees and he can sell them if the Yanks get into the World Series. Artie cut Howard off and said that he only sells them to friends, he doesn't sell them like a scalper would. They talked about how great the seats are and how they've gotten Artie laid before. Artie said that his seats are like beach front property.
Artie talked about how he got into a little trouble when he bad mouthed Elliot Gould on a flight. He said he saw that Elliot needed everything done for him when he saw him at the airport. Artie called his buddy on the phone and told him about Gould and how he has a fag kid and stuff like that. Then he realized that Elliot was right behind him and heard everything he was saying about him. Artie said the guy looked like he wanted to strangle the life out of him when he heard him.
Howard told Robin that she really has to tone it down when she's flying. Robin said that the planes have gotten quieter these days so that's a problem. She said that she ended up being seated right next to Joan without even knowing it. They flew out to California together. They did their own thing after a while though, they didn't talk the whole time. Howard said he hates when he gets stuck next to someone who wants to talk the whole time.
Howard got stuck on a plane with Gary one time and had to listen to him talk the whole time. He upgraded Gary from coach to first class so he could talk to him. He said he was out doing the Arsenio Hall show and ended up getting kicked off of his show so he had to fly out of there. He was so traumatized by the whole thing that he had to have Gary sit with him. The guys talked about some of the crazy stuff that Howard had said to Arsenio that got him kicked off the show.
Gary said that he had a cousin who lived out in L.A. at the time and she didn't know much about Howard at the time. She was invited to the audience and got to see all of this go down. He said that his cousin spoke after it and it was very uncomfortable when she said that Howard was ''interesting'' after the whole thing happened.
Howard got back to his story about having Gary sit next to him. He said that Gary was really tired and ended up falling asleep on the flight back. He woke up half way through the flight and started smacking his choppers asking for some orange juice to wet his mouth. Howard was doing his impression of Gary sucking his teeth and then falling back asleep. He said he had to wake him up when they landed in New York.
Gary said that he remembers falling asleep before they took off and how he's never slept on a flight like that since then. Howard was goofing on Gary as he was discussing the whole thing. He said he didn't know he was going to be sitting next to Booey Van Winkle. He made fun of the sucking of the teeth sound and Robin said she loves when he does that. She was laughing her ass off as he was telling the story. Gary said that he hates this because Robin has to take her glasses off to wipe her eyes from the tears that were rolling down her face. He said that's really humiliating.
Artie said that he had a story about Gary that was similar. He said that Gary was on Ambien at the time. Gary told Howard that he had given Artie one pill too and he took it but it was like shooting an elephant in the toe with a dart, it didn't work on him at all. Artie said that he'll never forget this flight because the movie on the flight was ''Under a Tuscan Sun'' and it was torture. He said that he had Gary sleeping next to him and this awful movie playing. Howard said he liked that movie but he could never watch it on an airplane.
Howard said he's sat next to people who want to talk to him and they just keep talking with bad breath and it's really annoying. Artie said that it's like being stuck in an elevator with someone for six hours. He said that sometimes he talks about these traveling salesmen who tell him that he's the only celebrity that they've ever met.
Robin said that Pink was also on the flight so she said hello to her. Howard said he would have spent time talking to Pink before Joan Rivers. Howard told Gary to stay awake on the plane from now on when he flies with him. He played a Baba Booey song parody for a few seconds after that.
Someone wrote in and suggested that they animate Chuck Zito's radio show where he's talking about throwing women out the window and stuff like that. Howard said that would be funny.
Howard said that some people liked Kid Rock on the show earlier this week but some people hated it. He read through some of that e-mail and said that he thought Kid Rock was a great interview himself.
Siobhan got a lot of negative feedback yesterday. He didn't even want to get into that. He said he thought that Jay Thomas was great on the show and then he reads the feedback and a lot of people didn't like the interview. Some loved it, some hated it. Artie said that it was very entertaining for him and that's why he just sat back and listened. Robin said she thought that Jay might have hated the interview but Howard said he heard that he actually loved it.
Howard said he had a meeting with Tim Sabean yesterday and they were talking about this whole Bubba thing. When he was out in the hall he saw Jay and Jay told him he had a great time. Someone from Jay's show wrote him a note and said that Jay loved it as well so he knows that it was good.
Howard said that Robin took a beating in an e-mail because she was talking about hot air ballooning during her news report and how awful it is. There was some feedback about Riley Martin's appearance on the show and people like that they don't pay him big money there because it keeps Riley on his game.
Howard said that some people wrote in about the ''She's a Worthless Cunt'' song they played yesterday. They wanted to know who sang that song. Howard said it's this guy Larry Pierce who has been on the show. He played the song as they were talking about it. He said you can get his stuff at LarryPierce.com. He said that the musicians on the song are really good and he wonders what they must be thinking when they're performing a song like that. It doesn't get played anywhere but on his show.
Howard played some more of Larry's stuff including ''Will You Swallow My Cum.'' Howard said that you see the guy and you don't think that he'd write something like that. He said the guy looks like he's 100 years old and there's no way he'd be singing about cum and stuff.
Howard read through the story and explained what had happened that night. Robin said she thinks that those guys should be awarded for that appearance since that was a reality TV bit right there. Howard said he didn't think there would be a lawsuit there but he's not a lawyer so he doesn't know.
Howard told Gary to bring in the names so he can pick one. Gary said that they had a list that was near 120 but they cut it down to 75-80 or so. He said that Howard may pick a name that he doesn't even know. He said that someone will know it but he may not. Howard was the first to pick and he pulled out the name Lori Chisholm. Gary said he thinks that's an intern but he's not sure. He found out that she was an intern and told Howard that she'd just won the lottery.
Robin pulled a name from the list and ended up with Howard Stern. Howard said he loves that. Gary said he knows that people are going to say that this is fixed. He told her that she should put that back. She said she doesn't know what she's going to get for him yet since she didn't know who she was going to be buying for. Howard said that she always does a great job picking out a gift though.
Artie was up next and picked Benjy Bronk. Howard said that's weird and people are going to think that they fixed this. Fred picked the name Adam Frederick but no one knew who he was. Gary asked if anyone knew who he was. It turns out he works with the tapes crew who work on Master Tape Theatre. Gary went next and said he picked John Suskevich. He didn't know who he was either. Will said he's the new Howard TV lighting guy.
Benjy picked a name and got Chris Costa from Howard TV. Howard told Scott the Engineer to come in and pick a name so they could see who he was going to get. Scott came in and said that his wife buys the gifts and she does a good job at that. Scott picked Justin Cica-something and Gary said he thinks that he's on the Howard TV crew. Howard had to go to break after that. Gary said he was going to have everyone pick names after that and he'd let Howard know who picked all of them.
Howard said he had Donald Trump on the phone. He got him on and said that he hadn't seen Donald in a long time. Donald said that it had been too long. Howard talked to him about his new baby and how his wife is taking care of all of that. Donald said that he doesn't do anything with the kids, he just throws money at Melania and she does all of the work. Howard asked him if he thinks the kid will grow up and be psychologically damaged. Donald said you never know. He said that the kid came home with a sniffle the other day and he wanted nothing to do with him.
Howard asked Donald about his other kids and asked if he's going to hook up the younger one, Tiffany, with a job. He said that it depends on if she can do something for him. she's getting all A's in her classes now so maybe he'll be able to give her something.
Howard said he thinks that Donald likes his daughter the most out of his older kids. Trump said that he loves them all the same, they're all great. He said that they're all amazing and his son Eric just joined him. Howard didn't know that one so he asked who he came from. Trump said that the 3 oldest kids are from Ivana. Howard said that he would be dating his daughter if he wasn't so in love with Beth. Trump said that would drive him nuts if he dated her.
Trump said that if he wanted to get married faster, he could come up with something that would get him more interested in that. Howard said that he'd better hope that they stay together because he'll go right after his daughter if they break up. Howard said he'd go to all of these events that Donald holds and it would drive Trump nuts. Trump said that Howard would be an interesting son-in-law. He said he wouldn't be the worst he could have but he's not far off. Howard said that he might be too ''Jewy'' to join that family. Howard thinks that Trump would end his life if he joined the family. Trump said that it would be fun in a lot of ways.
Howard said that Donald is mentioned in Rosie O'Donnell's book. That led to Trump saying that the book is a mess and it's really not good. He said that all you learn about her is that she banged her fingers with a softball. Howard said that she calls Trump a ''torn scarecrow'' and a slug. He read some of the other things she said about him and he said that they're still going at it. Trump said that he feels responsible for some of the ratings that she was getting on The View because the ratings didn't climb until she started fighting with him.
Trump said that he has a book coming out on October 15th and he thinks that he'll outsell her book. He said he was willing to wager something on that. He said that she was actually at his wedding, the same wedding that Howard was at. Donald said that Howard was quoted as saying that he thought the marriage wouldn't last 3 months. He was wrong, it lasted 5 years.
Howard said that Donald has said that Elisabeth Hasselbeck was the dumbest person on TV. Donald said he's changed his view on her after she fought Rosie on The View one day and crushed her. He said that he can't help himself from responding to these fights.
Howard said that he can't believe that Donald and Imus kind of broke things off from one another one time after Imus had bad mouthed him. He eventually went back to his show though. Donald said that he didn't like the way his show was ended at CBS. He said that it's not something that's never said, they say stuff like that in rap records all the time. Howard said that he doesn't get the clamoring for his show because he never had ratings. Donald said that he knows that Imus had a very high level listener base. He said that he's got senators and people like that listening to his show. Howard said that's bullshit and there's this report called a Scarborough report that proves he didn't have a high end audience. Trump said Imus treated him well and he didn't know that Imus had bad mouthed him.
Howard asked Trump to say the f-word so he did that quickly. Howard wanted to know if he uses that word when he's banging Melania. Trump said that's not something he does with her. He said that she's a very classy woman. Howard asked him if he's still having sex with her as often as they used to. Donald said that they are still having sex and he's very satisfied. He said he couldn't say how many times a week he's doing it because he didn't want a front page story about that kind of thing. He said that every time he gets on Howard's show, he ends up having a front page story written about him.
Howard asked Trump if his daughter Ivanca is dating anyone. Trump said she's going out with a very rich guy right now. Howard asked him if he's worth 8 billion right now. Trump said that's probably about right. He said that Howard knew him when he was worth nothing back around 1990 or so when the market crashed.
Howard asked Donald if he thinks he'll stay with Melania even when she gets older. Trump said that he thinks he will. He said she's a great mother. He said that she's got a great body even after having the baby. He said that it's one of the best bodies he's ever seen. She went right back to her weight before the baby after she had it.
Howard asked Trump how long he'd wait to date again if Melania got into a horrible car accident. He said he'd probably never date again. Howard asked Trump who he'd be dating if he wasn't with her. Trump said that there are some very beautiful women around who aren't celebrities. He said that the women he wants have to be smart.
Howard asked Trump if he thinks it would have been tough for his daughter to be a chubby girl. He said maybe that would have been a problem. He said he's using his daughter in ads for a building that he's putting up now and people are loving it.
Howard said that Donald has done something that he's been suggesting for years. He has made these beauty pageants into a reality TV show called ''Pageant Place.'' The show airs tonight on MTV. The guys talked about that for a short time and then talked about this Miss Teen USA girl who wasn't able to answer a simple question during the pageant and ended up being huge on the internet for a short time. Trump said that she had like 29 million hits because she's beautiful and dopey. Trump said that it was so amazing because she was so beautiful. He said that she was an 11 and you'd go for her before someone like Charlize Theron. He said that's what he's talking about with the beautiful women out there. He said that if she was a 7, 8 or a 9, no one would have cared about that answer she gave on that pageant.
Howard said that the Pageant Place show takes hot chicks and puts them in situations that people will be interested in seeing. Trump said that he goes back stage at these events and there's a lot of stuff that goes on behind the scenes. He said that it's going to be unbelievable. Howard said he'll watch it to see what's going on.
Howard asked Donald about this Mark Cuban guy dancing on Dancing with the Stars. Donald said that he's actually a good dancer but he's a loser. He said that if he can make money, anyone can. Trump said the guy is probably worth a billion dollars. He said that Mark actually lives in one of his buildings. He used to say nice things about him but when his TV show came out, he started bad mouthing him. He said he attacked him just like Rosie attacked him. He said that Mark's show was terrible and they threw him off the air. He said that his own show, The Apprentice, was just renewed for two more seasons.
Trump said that he was watching this Dancing with the Stars and saw Wayne Newton looking awful. He and Howard talked about plastic surgery and how bad it can make someone look. Trump said that he doesn't get the pumped lip thing that women do. He said they look terrible and he just doesn't get it. He doesn't get why people think that Angelina Jolie is all that hot. He said that he finds her to be a solid 7. Howard asked him to name some 10s but Donald could only come up with his daughter as being a 10. He said there really aren't that many around.
Howard asked Donald about Britney Spears and all of the stuff that's going on with her. Donald said that she used to be so cute and wholesome and he was at a concert of hers one time and she threw her sweaty hat out into the audience and he had no problem grabbing it. He said if she did that now, he's not sure he'd grab it.
Howard talked to Trump about some of these politicians like Rudy Giuliani and Hillary Clinton who may be running for President. Trump didn't want to comment on who he'd vote for because they're both good friends of his. Howard gave him another plug for his ''Pageant Place'' show and then asked him how old of a woman he's been with in his life. He said he's with a 35 year old right now and that's about the oldest he's been with.
Donald got in a plug for this book he has coming out later this month, ''Think BIG and Kick Ass in Business and Life,'' and talked about that a little bit. Howard asked Donald if he has a pre-nup with Melania. He said that he does have one and it's a good one. He said that he has seen a lot of women in marriages get a ton of money that they didn't deserve.
Howard and Donald talked about Rudy Giuliani and his views on the war in Iraq. Trump said that if he keeps up the support for the war, he's never going to win. Howard agreed. He gave Trump another plug for his TV show and said that it sounds like a perfect formula for a TV show. He wished him luck with that and then let him go.
Artie said that by the time he left there he'd had 4 Subutex because he was so stressed out. He had to take another two during the commercial shoot. The stress from all of that stuff was driving him nuts so he had to take this stuff.
Artie said that he did this gig last night and he was afraid that he wouldn't be able to curse. He said that a woman went out on stage right before he was going up and introduced a priest who said a prayer before he went up there. He had to go out and take another Subutex before he went up there. He said that he gets a white line on his mouth and he was afraid that he was going to have people thinking that he was eating cocaine or something.
Artie said he was doing good at first and was killing at this private party. He said that he got a little too comfortable and went too far and the Father had to come out and drag him off like he was giving him the hook. He said the Father was off to the right and watching him do all of this stuff. He said he was doing some of the stuff from his act and figured he could do his gay jokes. He said that he got some moans and the hook when he told this joke about going out with the Queer Eye guys one time. He said that it's hard to talk to them because you feel you have to adjust the conversation and then says that you say something like ''hey, I was watching football the other day...I mean sucking cock...'' That's when he got the hook.
Artie said that he took two more Subutex in the limo on the way home. Howard asked him how many he took yesterday. Artie said it was probably like 9 or 10. He said that the limit per day is supposed to be 2 per day. He knows that doctors will be calling in and telling him he's killing himself or something. Artie said that sometimes he'll go for a week without taking any though.
Artie said that today he has an article coming out for Playboy and they want him to do a photo shoot for them. He said that's going to cause him more stress so he's going to have to take more. He said that he has to go down to one of these photo shoot things in SoHo and he'll end up taking more of this Subutex stuff. He said that it's this insane thought of not fucking up that makes him take this stuff. He said he has to take something and that's what he takes instead of going to heroin.
Gary came in and gave the names of the people who picked everyone in the studio. Fred is getting a gift from a guy named Joe. Artie is getting a gift from Richie Wilson from Howard TV. Sal is getting something from Matt the Intern. Lisa G is getting something from a board op. Howard had to go to break after that so he cut Gary off and went to break a short time later.
Howard said that they had some beautiful ladies in the studio to play The Porn Star Feud today. He went right into an introduction that Fred had done for the Feud. They had an old porn stars and a young porn stars team in there to compete against one another. Howard said that all of the porn stars were currently working in porn. He said hello to Carmen Luvana first and then Ava Rose and then Bree Olson. They were all on the young team. Kathy Jones, Rosie Bam and Blue Iris were on the old team. Howard said hello to everyone quickly.
Artie asked Blue if he could fuck her today since he's turning old tomorrow. He turns 40. Blue said ''Yeah'' to him when he asked.
Howard said that he's been beating off to Carmen Luvana lately and he told her that she's really hot in her movies. She said that she gets to pick the guys she's with in the movies but the other porn stars are picked by the producers. Howard named some of her movies and asked her about her life. She said that she's with a guy right now. She also says that the Wheel of Benjy was the worst part of her career. Benjy got to stick his toe inside of her. She said that she made him put on like 5 condoms on his feet. She said that he's actually awesome and very nice so she didn't want to bad mouth him. She said that he's always very cool to her when he sees her at these conventions and stuff. Howard went on to play a clip from one of her movies, ''Perfect Secretary,'' where she's asking a guy for some cock in her pussy.
Howard asked Carmen who she thinks is going to win today. She wasn't sure. Howard said that the grand prize money for this event is courtesy of AdamEve.com. He moved on to Ava Rose next and asked her about her career a little bit. He played a clip from her movie ''Fuck for Dollars'' where she's talking dirty to a guy and he's saying that her pussy is a great penis punching bag. She told Howard that she was pretty conservative when she was young. Howard told Robin that Ava's sister is also in porn. He asked her about her breast size but she didn't know because she never wears a bra. She said that they're real but they were so big that Howard was shocked.
Howard asked Ava if she'd have sex with Artie if he offered her ten grand. She said no so Howard asked her why she wouldn't do that but she will have sex in movies for money. She said that it was the guy he was asking her about.
Howard moved on to Bree Olson and asked her about her life. She was new to the show so Howard wanted to get to know her a little bit. She said that she used to watch Howard's TV show many years ago. She said she knew she wanted to do porn when she was about 12. She said that she was going crazy at 12 and doing girls and stuff as early as 9. She said that she still likes to bang a chick once in a while but she's mostly into guys. Howard played a clip from her movie ''Cock Craving Cuties'' to let everyone hear what she does in her movies. He played another clip from one of her other movies after that as well. She likes to be dominated so she told Howard that he could spit in her mouth and stuff like that.
Howard moved to the other team, Old Porn Stars, and said hello to Kathy Jones who claims to be one of the dirtiest old chicks in movies. She's done a lot of stuff in her movies and said she loves gang bang movies. She said that it's tough to compete against the young girls in the business though. She has kids that don't know what she does for a living so Howard asked her how that's possible. Blue vouched for her and said that she's a great mother. Richard came in and asked if they could have lathy and Blue make out with each other. Howard asked them to do it so they went right to it. Howard sounded a little shocked by what he was seeing.
Howard played some of Kathy's movie ''Mature King 14'' and she makes some very odd noises when she's having sex. Howard asked Carmen if she wants to be doing this stuff when she gets old. She said she hopes not to be in porn too much longer. Howard played another clip from one of Kathy's movies where she ends up sucking the orderly's cocks at an old age home. Howard asked her what that was like for her. She said it was wonderful and she'll take any younger guy she can get.
Howard moved on to Rosie Bam and said that she just recently got into porn. She's only been in 10 movies. She's almost 50 years old and she said that it's never too late to get into this stuff. Howard asked her about the anal sex scenes and what she has to do to prepare for that. She said she just tells the guys to slip it in there, she doesn't prepare at all. Howard said she does some impressions so he had her do those. She did Sandra Bernhard and Katherine Hepburn, which actually sounded very similar. She also has kids that don't know what she does for a living. She said that the kids have moved on and don't live with her anymore. She has a 24 year old, a 15 and an 18 year old. The 15 year old lives with her grandparents. Howard played one of her porn scenes and she gagged on something at the end of that. She said it was cum that she'd saved up in there.
Howard moved on to Blue Iris who made out with Artie the last time she was on the show. Howard talked about some of the movies she's been in and asked her what she's doing these days. She said she just did a new one with Ron Jeremy and Dick Nasty and that's being edited now. Howard played a clip from one of her old movies that they've played on the air before.
Howard said that he had some audio of Kathy and Blue working together on a movie. He played that clip and then moved on to the Porn Star Feud. He mentioned AdamEve.com and then moved over to a podium they had set up in the studio for him. He gave everyone their plugs as he was getting ready to play.
They moved on to the next question which was ''Name something female porn stars hate doing when shooting porn.'' Number one answer was ''Anal'' and Ava came up with that so the young girls took it. Howard asked Bree for another answer. She said ''gang bangs'' and it wasn't on the board. Carmen said ''Cum on the face'' and got the number 2 answer. Ava said ''Swallowing'' and got that as the number 3 answer. Bree gave another answer of ''DP (Double Penetration)'' which was number 4 on the board. Howard asked Carmen for the next one. She said ''Extremely huge dicks'' which wasn't on the board. Ava was up and said ''Cum swapping'' which wasn't on the board so they had three strikes. Blue Iris was up and said ''Triple penetration'' which wasn't up there. The Young girls won that one. The rest of the answers were deep throat, shitting or skat films and also faking orgasms.
Howard had Carmen and Blue come up to the podium. The next question was ''Name something that annoys you about semen.'' Blue said ''a bad odor'' and it was number 3 on the board. Carmen said ''bad taste'' and got number 2 on the board. The young girls took it and Ava was up next. She said ''it burns when it gets in your eyes'' and got the number 5 spot on the board. Bree was up and said ''the nasty texture'' which was ''sticky'' on the board. Carmen was up and didn't have an answer. Ava was up again and didn't have an answer either. She had to come out and show everyone her ass because she missed it. Bree was up and said ''when it gets in your hair'' and that one wasn't on the board either. The old ladies weren't able to steal. The final answer was ''Stains the clothing.'' Kathy missed that one so Artie said that she had to show her ass. It must not have looked that great because the guys sounded disgusted by what they were seeing. Artie said it looked like Jeff Curro's ass from two years ago.
Howard had Bree and Kathy come up next. Their question was ''Name something that turns you off most about men while having sex.'' Bree got it and said that men have an odor. She got number 3 on the board. Kathy said ''too much hair and got number 2 on the board. She took the question for the old ladies so they had to come up with more answers. Rosie said ''when guys stick their cock all the way up her asshole.'' That wasn't up on the board. Rosie ended up showing her ass to the guys after that. Artie had asked to see Bree's ass and said his breakfast might be coming up soon.
Blue Iris said ''Bad breath'' and got a correct answer. Howard moved on to Kathy again and she said that guys smell like urine on their cock. That was already on the board with odor. Rosie was up and said that when guys ask her to have her eyeballs roll back into her head and missed that.
The young girls took it and Carmen said ''Sweat''' which was up on the board. They stole the points from the old ladies so they won with that. Howard said the rest of the answers were ''talking,'' ''balls,'' ''premature ejaculation'' and ''small penis.''
Blue said she had sex with a priest one time and he had the tiniest dick she'd ever seen but he made her cum 6 times. Howard wrapped up the game after that and got in some plugs for everyone. AdamEve.com has a special offer on the movie ''Eden'' and all of the young porn stars are in that movie. You can find the movie deal at AdamEve.com/eden.
Howard gave everyone plugs for their web sites again and then Mike Gange asked if anyone wanted to ride the Sybian. Bree was up for it so Howard sent her over to the sex machine. She stripped down but kept her underwear on. She got on the Sybian and said she was going to think about Howard the whole time. She was telling Howard she was thinking about his cock going in and out of her as Gary turned up the speed of the Sybian. She was breathing heavy and finished pretty quick. She was shaking from it according to Howard. Bree said she loved it.
The guys asked Kathy if she wanted to ride it. She did want to do it but she wanted to keep her pants on. Will asked her to take her top off but he seemed to be the only one who wanted to see that. She got on the Sybian and took her top off. Everyone sounded shocked by what they had seen. Gary said he was going to take his mask off since it didn't matter now. Artie said it was fine with him and the first time it didn't matter that he had his mask off. Kathy finished up pretty quick which was fine with everyone. Howard wrapped up after that and went to break.
Howard said he heard that Artie asked Teddy to get Bree's phone number. Howard said that he was out in the hall asking Teddy to do that but she gave him the number and said that she's engaged but she' be Howard's mistress no problem. Howard said that he'd give the number to Artie so he could try getting her. He said that she reminded him that she's been listening to the show since she was 12. He said that he'd like to be influential but that's kind of weird.
Artie was saying that he could bring Bree to the Miss Howard Stern premiere. Howard said that she was still there so he had the guys bring her back in. He told her that he can't date her himself because of Beth but she just said ''so what!'' Howard said she screwed up his day, now he has to think about her all day. Howard told Bree that Artie wanted her number but she said that Howard is her man. She said she likes Artie but she really wants Howard. She said she really likes Howard.
Howard said that Bree is really cute. She started to cry and told Howard that she really loves him. She lives out in Indiana but she'd move to wherever Howard is if he'd be with her. She said she has 4 acres out in Indiana and he could move out there with her if he wanted. She said that she makes her money from porn and doesn't have another source of income.
Howard asked Bree what she'd do to him if they were alone in a room together. She said she'd probably get on top of him. She also told him that she just turned 21 two days ago. Artie asked her if she would go to an event with him if she thought she might have a chance at getting close to Howard. Howard said that JD is also into Bree and had him come in. JD said he's jealous of Howard because he got her number.
Artie asked how many times it would take him or JD calling her before she'd call the cops. She just laughed. JD had some porn clips to play from her movies but they were just audio. Artie wanted to see some of the video but all he had available was the back of the cover from one of her movies. Howard told her she was so cute even with the big cock in her mouth on the cover. Artie said that changes things for him. Howard said that his cock is about half the size of that guy. She said that's fine because she's so small.
Howard said that Beth was on the phone and pissed. He picked up and it was a guy yelling at him as a girl. Bree told him he needs someone more relaxed than that. Howard said he can't imagine what she'd do to him and figured that it would be crazy.
Howard read that Bree's grandmother was a holocaust survivor. Bree thought that was very sweet of him to know something like that. Howard kind of joked about it and she asked him not to do that. Artie asked if she was a Jew then. She said that she wasn't and that's a big misconception about the holocaust. A lot of people weren't Jewish. She said that she was Ukrainian and a lot of Ukrainians were killed there.
Bree said that she is engaged right now but she would be willing to give him up for Howard. She said she was being serious too and she'd like to go on a date with him sometime. Artie said that this is like Howard stepping on a pussy bomb and he should be getting hit by some shrapnel, but he's not. Howard tried talking Bree into going out with Artie. They said that he was going to be losing weight soon and stuff like that but it wasn't happening.
Howard wrapped up with Bree and let her go. Artie said that he and Teddy have a set up so Teddy knows to get these numbers. Artie said that Teddy has a fever sore on his lip now so that might not be helping things. Artie said that he would have gone for that Carmen chick too but it was too late for that. He said that she's really cute.
Benjy said he was supposed to call her back last night but he ended up on Denise Rich's yacht so he wasn't able to do that. He said he got on the yacht thanks to his friend Maryann. Howard asked Benjy if he's going to call this chick again or not. Benjy said that he thinks he might but he's not sure. Howard said he should call her and make a date with her. Benjy said that he's found that girls aren't into him dating prostitutes so he's not sure if he wants to go out with her.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Howard must go nuts when he gets offers like that from girls. Howard said he'd have a hard time getting past the porn thing with Bree. The caller said that Artie was great during that segment earlier too.
Howard took some more calls and had guys asking about the Bree thing. Artie said that he's trying to keep his mouth shut today because he thinks that Howard could do something with that chick.
Howard had a clip from a news report where the reporter uses the term ''tea bagging'' when she's talking about a court case. She's reading about the charges that were brought against a student and she describes what tea bagging is.
Howard had Jon Hein come in with his Wrap Up Show preview. He said they'll talk about the Porn Star Feud game and the stuff that went on during that segment. They'll also talk about the Secret Santa stuff they did today.
Steve the Intern came in with his Intern Show preview. He said they'll be talking to Lori the intern who Howard will be buying a gift for. They'll talk to the other interns about who they're buying for. Steve said he's buying for Will.
Howard said that maybe they should put two versions of that Porn Star Feud game up on Howard TV. One with just the young chicks and one with the old chicks. He took a call a short time later from a guy who asked if there were other questions for the feud game. Howard had a few so he rattled them off.
Another caller was going to ask Artie about using heroin but he wanted his voice disguised. Howard didn't have that ability so the guy didn't go on. The caller also said that he lost his fiancé recently in a car accident. Artie told the guy not to do the heroin because his life would become a disaster.
Ralph called in and said that the best show on TV right now is this show called ''Life.'' Howard said that he doesn't want to start watching that stuff. He said that Ralph gave him the DVD collection of ''Arrested Development'' and he has no desire to watch that crap. Robin said that show was awful and that's why it was canceled.
Ralph asked who he's secret Santa for. Gary looked it up and said that Will is buying for Ralph and Ralph is buying for Scott DePace. Ralph laughed when he heard that. Scott came in and told Ralph to just keep his gift, he knows it'll be horrible. He was serious too. Howard told him that Ralph is actually good at giving gifts. Scott said he liked the old days when Robin would give him $500 and Howard would give him $500.
Gary said that people are asking if they can trade names. Howard said that's not happening. Artie said that he's buying for Benjy and Richie Wilson is buying for him so things aren't too crazy for him. Ralph said that Richie gets good stuff.
Howard said that the best gifts he's gotten are from Dan the Song Parody Man. He buys him one creepy knife after another. He said he actually uses one to open up his mail though.
Robin got back to her news and read through a couple more stories before Howard had to take another break. When they came back Gary came in and said that a bunch of the people who were on the show today are in the top 50 Google searches for today. Howard said he's amazed that they can have that kind of effect on the internet just about every day. Robin read through more stories and then Howard wrapped up the show around 10:55am.
Howard started off the show saying that a lot of people wrote him about the new phony phone call that Sal and Richard made. He played the call yesterday. Sal and Richard used clips of Riley Martin saying ''Huh?'' to jerk around a guest they had for their Jack and Rod show.
Howard played some audio from Riley's show where a caller asked him if he expects a gift from Howard. Riley said he expects enough money from him to buy him a potato as a gift. He then played the Jack and Rod show bit where Sal and Richard have a woman on the line who is trying to help their guest with his malpractice suit. Riley's responses are all ''Huh?'' or ''Uhh.'' She asks what kind of diagnosis he was given and he responds with a bunch of ''huh?'' until the woman finally hangs up on them.
Howard said that's a good call and it holds up even after a few plays. He said the boys came up with another one that he thought was really good but he asked them to tighten it up. They were working on it according to Gary.
Howard said he had another clip of Nancy O'Dell talking to Halle Berry about being pregnant and having Halle hold her baby. Howard said it's like she's pimping out her own kid just because Halle is a star. He played some audio from that interview where they give introduce Nancy's kid Ashby to Halle. Both of them are cooing over the kid and then the two of them start talking baby talk to the kid. Howard said that this is why a lot of little boys grow up hating women. Howard said that clip was really irritating and it made him want to jump out a window. He said he can't wait for the kids to make fun of that kid Ashby. He said they'll be calling her Assby.
Howard said that he had the new prank call that Sal and Richard just finished up. In the call Sal calls a pawn shop and asks why they sold his son a harmonica. He goes off on the guy and he hangs up on him. Sal calls back and tells the guy his son is retarded and he has a harmonica stuck in his asshole now. They then play some audio of John the Stutterer struggling to get words out and the harmonica starts playing as he's farting it out. The guy on the line laughs his ass off at their little joke.
Howard played a new voice mail from Richard's dad. He'd called Richard to remind him about Grandparents Day and told him to call his grandparents. He didn't have much else to say, he kept the message short and to the point. He told him to be careful at the end of the message. Howard said that the people of New York have to be careful around Richard.
Howard asked Eric how bad it makes his day when he hears him play Larry's stuff. Eric said he doesn't like it at all. Robin asked if Eric is a regular caller again. Eric said he's not but Howard said that Eric was on the phone yesterday, he just didn't have time to get to him. Eric said he's not calling all the time, he's not calling regularly.
Howard said that Eric should just admit he likes calling in and likes the attention. Eric said he doesn't like it, he wouldn't have to call in if things didn't happen last month. Eric said his plan was to stay away from the show but Langford was doing stuff that was pissing him off. He said that he's not calling on a regular basis.
Artie was goofing on Eric so Eric told him to shut the fuck up. Howard said that's no way to talk to Artie today, it's his birthday. Howard said he has a gift coming up for Eric today too. He said he's going to love it.
Eric asked Howard why they call this secret Santa thing ''secret.'' Howard said that's just what they're calling it, it's not a big deal or anything. Eric was asking Artie what his book is going to be called and threw out a name that he came up with. Artie then asked Howard to play some Larry Pierce stuff for him. They played Larry's song about his woman's yeast infection.
Artie told Eric he's sorry that it wasn't Rascall Flatts. He told Eric that they're popular with 32 year old virgins. Eric said that Artie is just a John Belushi wannabe. Howard said he could stay on the phone all day long with Eric even though this conversation is going nowhere. He said he loves Eric so much and he's not sure why. Artie said that he's a tiny freak but he's also a douche bag. Eric said that Artie isn't a tiny anything.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he knew he'd be back. He told Howard he has to play that clip of High Pitch Eric saying ''Who's High Pitch'' when Eric says he knows it's him on the phone. Howard said he loves that Eric is back and he loves being right that he would be back. He said he caved right in and came back. Eric said that's not true.
Eric told Robin that she must love October ''you cackling witch.'' Howard asked him what he's up to these days. Eric said he's writing a book and a script as well. Artie started laughing his ass off when he heard that. Eric said he's writing a kid's book. Howard said he's read some of Eric's writings and he has no ability to self edit so they can't be very good. He said that Eric thinks that everything he says is important and can't edit it down. Eric said he has someone helping him with that.
Howard asked Eric to read them the first page. He said he'd love to get a focus group together to hear this book. Eric said he didn't have the book handy but Howard said he'd wait. He told him he wanted to hear some of that children's book. Eric said that maybe next week or the week after he'd call. Artie threw out a line for his book where Eric writes about cumming into another pillow.
Howard said he's looking forward to hearing some of this book. He asked what day to schedule this for. Eric said that one day next week would be fine. Howard asked him what the name of the book is. Eric said that he's not real sure what it will be. He said that it's called ''Dougie the Puggie's Holiday Adventure.'' Artie said he has a new name for Eric after hearing that title - ''Eric the Fag.''
Howard asked Eric what this book is about. Eric started explaining the book and Artie said he can really sell this book and asked him if he's going to go out and do Letterman and Oprah talking about this thing. Howard said that this book sounds like it's based on his own life and him chasing after Diana Degarmo. In the book the dog is helping it's owner get the woman he loves. Howard said that's kind of like Eric's life, he just doesn't have the magical dog to help him get the woman of his dreams.
Howard asked Eric if the woman in the book is on American Idol. He said she is. Howard said he can't wait for the reading. Artie told Eric that the name of the book, which is already taken, should have been ''It.'' Howard asked Eric what happens to the character in the book, does he get married? Eric said that it is kind of implied at the beginning of the book that they did get married. He also said that the character is in a wheelchair. Howard said he thinks this is going to be made into a movie. He told Eric that he admires his spirit.
Robin asked Eric how long he is in the book. Eric said that he's got about 4 pages so far. Howard said that they'll have the reading next week. He said he could probably write it himself. He asked Eric some questions about the book and if he wishes that he had Dougie the Puggie to help him out with his search for the woman. He also asked if there's an evil radio host in the book. Eric said there isn't one.
Artie said that he just read that Diana Degarmo is writing a book called ''Go Away Little Monster.'' That made Fred laugh. Howard took a call from someone claiming to be Carrie Underwood. It was High Pitch Eric who said that he hates this book idea and he doesn't think that it's going to work out for him. Eric said he knows it's High Pitch but High Pitch said it wasn't High Pitch. Howard said that this really was Carrie Underwood because they set it up with her agent. Eric said he knew that it was High Pitch because he slipped up and almost said another name.
Howard let Eric go after Eric said that he'd be calling the Playboy channel tomorrow. Howard said this will be Eric's second call to that show over there and the last time he brought the show to a screeching halt. He replayed the clip from the show, the Bridget And Wednesday Show, where Eric called in and had nothing to say. They put him on the air and kept asking him what he had to say since he wasn't saying anything.
Howard was playing the clip and Eric makes a noise that was so amusing that he had to replay it. Eric didn't have much of anything to say but the host of the show was giggling and trying to make it interesting. Howard said he got a note from Eric after they played it the first time asking why they made fun of it. He apparently thought it was normal. Howard had to cut the clip off because it went on for an additional 7 minutes and he said he just couldn't take it anymore.
Howard kept playing the clip even though he said he couldn't take it. They found little things to goof on Eric about in the clip. The host of the show was trying to be nice to him and trying to get rid of him at the same time. He was giving her his display name from Myspace and stuff like that. He just wouldn't get off the phone.
Howard said he loves Eric and the fact that he doesn't like to get off the phone. He said he does resent the ladies on that show because they would never go out with him. They were laughing at him at the end of the clip and that's just not cool. Howard said he has a lot in common with Eric because he heard a lot of those laughs in high school. Howard and Artie were goofing on the chicks from the show because they were being so mean to him.
Artie said that he was over in Germany shooting a movie and he was hanging with Cuba Gooding Jr. and he managed to get a chick in a club because he was in that entourage with Cuba.
Howard talked about how Heidi and Seal's kids are turning out really black because Seal is so dark. He said that Heidi is really light but the kids are coming out really dark since Seal is so dark skinned. He seems to find that fascinating.
Howard said that they have Pat Cooper coming in today and he's going to talk to him about how he won't be able to handle this roast that he's going to be part of. Artie is going to be part of that and a lot of the jokes are going to be about his family. He said that there's going to be some nutty shit when they do this roast. Howard said he doesn't think Pat can handle it and he'll prove it today.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked when the Brittany Starr segment is going to be on Howard TV. Howard thought it was already up on the system. Doug Goodstein came in and said that it should be up there already. The caller said that he was missing that show from his system. Doug had him put on hold so he could help him figure it out.
Howard said that he has this birthday gift for Artie today and he's going to cum in his pants when he sees it. Artie said that a lot of people have lost money on him because he's made it to 40 years old. He wasn't supposed to live this long according to some people in the internet. Howard said he had to go to break after that.
Howard said that his friend Ross Zapin is really weird because he's been going to every Bruce Springsteen concert this week. He said that he should be staying at home with his wife instead of going to the show every night. He knows he's a fan of Bruce but going that many times in a week is crazy. Artie said he's been to maybe 35 Bruce shows himself and it makes him feel young again. He said he agrees that it's odd that Ross is going so often.
Gary came in and said that Ross even went to rehearsals and he's already been to 5 shows so far. Ross even sends emails detailing every song he plays and what's going on at the concert. Artie said that Ross calls him every time he has tickets and asks him to go. He said that's nice to do but he can't go that often. Artie said he couldn't make it to all of these shows that Ross went to.
Artie said that he's doing this charity event on the 18th of this month so he can't go to a show then either. Artie mentioned he was doing the charity thing with Jim Florentine so they asked Robin if she was going to be there. She said she knew nothing about the show. They all figured she knew about it because she's getting close to Jim.
Howard said that he had Speech Impediment Man on the phone. He wished Artie a happy birthday when he got on the line. He then asked Robin if Jim Florentine or Mr. X had a bigger penis. Robin said she doesn't know. Howard said he thinks she knows, she's just not talking about it. Speech Impediment Man asked Artie what the name of his book is going to be. Artie said that it's going to be ''Too Fat To Fish.'' He was going to ask him for a free copy of something but Howard hung up on him.
Artie said that he can't go to see Bruce Springsteen there in the New York area so he's actually going up to Boston to see him. Gary said that Ross hit him up for that too and they wanted him to make an appearance up there. They have a Bruce Springsteen channel there at SIRIUS and Bruce is very involved with it. Howard said that Bruce should be doing stuff on his own channel there instead of going out and doing interviews on other shows. Howard said he must not be that into it.
Gary said that they play old bootleg concerts of Bruce's on the channel and they're really cool to hear. He said that he's heard that Bruce even likes listening to it because he hasn't heard those bootlegs. The guys spent a short time talking about Bruce before Howard had Pat Cooper come in.
Pat was telling Robin she looked great and he loves her even with all of the crap she says about him. Howard said that Pat was in that movie ''Analyze This'' which was a great movie. Pat said he did a scene in ''Analyze That'' but hasn't done anything since then. He said he got turned down by the Sopranos people. He said that he auditioned 4 times and got turned down. He said that Frankie Valli got the job. He said that it didn't matter that he was in ''Analyze This'' they jerked him around and had him auditioning four times.
Howard said that Pat burns bridges in show business and that's probably why he can't get a job. Pat said he's too old to play that game and there's no reason for him to start now. He said he doesn't want to be a bigger star, he's fine where he is. He said he didn't go after sitcoms or anything like that.
Pat said that Howard did a lot of great things before he moved to ''sy-rus'' but now it's all over. Pat said that he's a fish out of water in this job now. Pat was going off on him but Howard said that this is the reason he can't get work, he just burns every bridge.
Howard asked Pat's girlfriend, Joann, if he's a tough man to love. She said that he's a good man and he's not that bad. She said that Pat and Howard have a love hate relationship. Howard said he loves Pat and Pat hates him, that's the love hate.
Pat got back on the Sopranos thing and talked about how he doesn't care about that stuff and ''fuck the Sopranos.'' Howard said that Joann appears to be much younger than Pat. Pat said he was told by someone to tell this woman that he was only 60 but he didn't want to do that because it's better if he can't get a hard on at 78 instead of at 60.
Howard said that this is a good score for Pat and Pat went nuts saying that this wasn't a big score. He told the guys about how he took her on trips and stuff. Pat said that he's never gotten into her vagina after Howard asked her if they'd ever had sex. Pat said that at his age you don't go out with a vagina, you go out with a person.
Joann said that Pat is the best lay she's ever had. Howard asked her if she's ever questioned herself about not being able to excite Pat in that way. She said she used to but not anymore. Pat wasn't kidding when he said he can't get it up. Pat said he doesn't even do any kissing or anything like that. Howard was trying to understand the relationship. Joann said that they really do have a good relationship and they do kiss. Howard asked if Pat ever touches her breasts. She said that he actually likes to grab her ass. Pat also sleeps with her and she said that things do happen between them. Pat said that he doesn't have to dip it in with a woman.
Pat said that Howard is a fish out of water living out in the Hamptons with his girlfriend and dog. He went off on him about that a little bit and then started talking about how he used to eat pussy but he doesn't do that anymore. He said he doesn't lick Joann because she's ticklish. She said she likes it though.
Howard asked Pat if he's going to be able to take this roast because it doesn't seem like he can take much of anything. Pat said he'll take on any comic they throw at him and he's been insulted by people his whole life. He said that Howard insults him, Gary insults him and his family insults him.
Howard said that none of Pat's contemporaries will be there at the roast because he treats them so poorly. Pat said that's not true and a lot of guys he knew in the business over the years are going to be there. Howard said he brought in a few guys to do a mini-roast this morning. He had three comics coming in. Howard gave Pat a few plugs and gave out his web site PatCooper.com
Howard had Bob Levy come in to do his roast. Pat said he couldn't do it if he was holding the paper. He said that they're a bunch of cowards if they have paper in their hands. Howard said that all of the comedians have paper. Howard said that all of the comedians are going to have paper. Pat said that's bullshit, he wants nothing to do with paper and he'd never use notes like that himself.
Levy told Pat to grab his walker and go sit down. Bob started in with his jokes but Pat was goofing on him after every joke he told. Howard said that Pat is never going to make it through the real roast, he argues with every single line.
Howard asked Bob to let the next comedian go. Shuli was the next guy to roast Pat. Pat was still going off on Bob. Shuli got up and started in on his jokes and had to yell out his jokes to Pat so he could hear him. He was telling some jokes about Pat's age but Pat cut him off and corrected him on his jokes. He said that he didn't know what the fuck this guy was doing up there and cut him off. Howard told Pat that he won't be able to take this roast that he's going to be at. He's going to interrupt during every joke. Shuli finished up his roast but he didn't get much out because Pat was talking over him so much.
Howard had Sal come in and do his thing. Sal threw away his paper and said he was going to talk to Pat man to man. Sal asked him about the ugly cunt he brought with him and then said that he was wrong, she was an ugly slut. Pat asked him where the humor was. That stuff wasn't funny. Pat said that stuff has nothing to do with a roast. Pat told him to get his paper back but Howard cut him off and told him that stuff wasn't funny.
Howard said that Pat was getting upset about this stuff and there's no way he can handle the real roast. He told Joann that she was a lovely woman and too good for Pat. He said he believes that deep down inside, Pat is a caring man. He asked Joann how Pat is kind to her. She said that he really cares about her. Robin said that these are the same things that Eva Braun said about Hitler.
Pat said that he still has a following out there these days and he's still able to sell out shows. He said he must be doing okay if he's able to do that. Howard asked him if he thinks that he and Don Rickles are in the same class. Pat said that he's honored if he's in that same league as Rickles.
Howard asked Pat if he's going to interrupt at the roast when that happens. Pat said he'll wait until that night and keep his mouth shut until it's his turn. He said he won't be preparing anything until that night when he hears what these people say about him. He will write his jokes as the roast is happening. Howard thought that was shocking that he didn't write anything ahead of time. He figured that he must know the kind of jokes he wants to do. Pat said that they're not jokes, he doesn't tell jokes. He said he's going to roast someone tonight and he won't write anything ahead of time. He's going to come up with stuff 15 minutes before he goes on stage.
Artie said that Pat was on the Drew Carey roast and you see Pat ripping on people and he kills. He really doesn't prepare for it but he kills. Artie said that he has to write jokes ahead of time himself. He said that not everyone has that ability that Pat does.
Howard brought up Imus and how he's being brought back to radio. Pat went off on Imus talking about what a coward he is and how he never should have bowed down to Sharpton after his nappy head comments. He said that he doesn't wish him any harm but when he bowed down to Sharpton, that was just wrong. He said that Imus should have told Sharpton to fuck off instead of apologizing to him. Howard asked Joann if Pat doesn't even get semi-hard, he's so worked up about this stuff that his blood must be flowing.
Dominic Barbara called in and asked Pat why he doesn't use Viagra. Pat said he has tried it. Howard said that if he was in bed with that woman, he'd be able to get hard no matter what. Pat said that he's just happy that he can pee every day. He doesn't care about fuckin. Howard told Pat that he might want to go to therapy. Pat said that only Jews go to therapy because they're insecure. He said he's Italian and he doesn't need to go to therapy. He was yelling at Howard that the Jews go to therapy for everything, even a hang nail.
Joann said that she thinks that Pat's problem is psychological but he won't go to therapy for it. Pat went off on everyone and yelled about all of that stuff. Howard gave up on trying to find out more about their lack of a sex life. He tried but Pat was yelling about everything and getting very defensive about it all.
Howard told Joann that he was happy that she found Pat and now Pat has someone like her. She's 56 but Howard said that she looked like she was in her 40s. Howard said that's great for Pat, she's much younger than he is. Howard gave Pat a few more plugs for his upcoming shows and web site.
Pat was still going off on Howard about his life out in the Hamptons and saying that he had quite a life going there. Howard laughed and said that he has no idea. It's not as great as Pat thinks it is. Howard checked out Pat's web site and said that his hair was jet black on there. They had some fun with that and then wrapped up the interview.
Gary said that for the first time in the show history, he apologized to a guest for something they did. He said he apologized to Pat and Joann about that as they were leaving. Sal said you're not supposed to go there but he did. Bob said that Pat was chasing after him the whole time and he's never seen anything like that.
Sal said that Richard told him to just call her a cunt or something. He said he didn't know what else to do. Howard said that next time he's going to ask Sal to do it on tape. He can't just call a woman names and make fun of her looks. Gary said that Pat asked him if that guy was a comedian after the show. Sal said he didn't know what to do, he had to throw his paper away. The guys told him he should have just read his jokes.
Howard wanted to know what was going on between Bob and Gary. Gary wanted Bob to tell the story so Bob told Howard that the queefer girl he had brought up there one day asked him to help her out getting to the show. Her car broke down and she didn't have a ride in. He said that she was asking for $300 and he asked Gary to work with her and help her get this money. Gary told Bob to stay out of the money thing and Bob took offense to that. Bob said that Richard came up with an idea for Beetlejuice to eat something out of her ass or something like that.
Bob said that he was worried that he was going to catch shit about her not making it there. Bob said that he was going to catch shit if she didn't show up. Gary said that those people are his headache once they contact them so Bob doesn't need to worry about it. He said that Bob thinks that people are out to get him and it drives him nuts.
Gary said that he heard some of the plugs for the Killers of Comedy shows that were being read at the end of the show. They were going too long and he asked Sal to cut them down. He suggested that they plug just two dates and give out the web site. Gary said that Bob is threatening to shut down the Killers of Comedy shows in March. Bob said that he was doing that anyway because he's going nuts. He said he's got this little midget (Beetlejuice) running out to a bar at 3 in the afternoon and getting drunk and then calling him a filthy Jew the rest of the day.
Gary said that Bob has Beetlejuice on the show because he sells tickets but Bob said that he doesn't need him to sell tickets. He can sell tickets on his own. Bob said that they have Beet and other guys like the Iron Sheik on the show to give the fans a little more than just comedy. Howard said he thinks that Bob is crazy to have Beetlejuice on the show. Bob said that he tries to get some sleep and asks the guys not to let the guy go anywhere. Then he wakes up and finds Beet drunk and trying to beat Sal up.
Artie said that if Bob is really worried about Beetlejuice making money, they can do some benefit shows for him. He doesn't need this kind of headache in his life. Bob said that's true and that's what he'd like to do. He just needs to get Beetlejuice off the shows.
Howard asked Bob what kind of drugs he's on. Bob rattled off some stuff and didn't know it was called Lexipro. Bob said that he's taken some Xanax as well and Artie talked him through some of this stuff. Gary said that Bob called Jason and asked him about the happy pills he was on. Bob said that he's really been stressed out lately with his house getting flooded and stuff like that. He really needs to calm himself down.
Gary said that he and Bob are also having it out over some stuff that went on with him and Richard. Gary suggested to Richard that he not go out on the road if he thinks that he's not making enough money and that got back to Bob who thought that he was trying to get him off the show. Gary thinks that Bob feels unappreciated by the show and that's another issue. Bob said that he got into comedy because of Howard's show. He said that he would like to work on the show and that's why he sends in bits to the show.
Gary asked Bob if he's said to people that he's upset that they haven't recognized him and hired him to do stuff there. Bob said he's not upset about it, he just thinks that he could do a lot of stuff for the show and in the right situation, he could prove it.
Howard said he couldn't spend all day on this and tried to wrap this up. He asked Bob why he didn't ask Robin out before Jim Florentine did. Bob said he tried by sending in those song parodies about her.
Artie said that they have to come up with more material for these comedy shows and that's up to Sal and Richard to come up with more stuff. They only do about 10-15 minutes each and they really need a lot more than that. Bob said that he thinks that what Sal and Richard are making is the right amount of pay for the amount of material they do. Gary said that they also bring plugs to the show and promotion for those comedy shows. Bob said that he gets those plugs too though.
Gary said that Bob gets crazy when he thinks that people are trying to screw him over and he threatens to quit all the time. Bob said that he's a new man now and he's not drinking and he's eating good. Howard told Bob he can see Gary the Retard, Beetlejuice and Iron Sheik teaming up and dumping Bob. Shuli said he's available to host that show.
Howard gave Bob some plugs for upcoming shows and then went to break. You can find out where Bob is doing shows at RevBobLevy.com
Gary said that Teddy came to him and asked if they were giving him some food for his gift because Artie was staving. Artie went over and had his picture taken next to the cake and took a sliver of it. Howard said he's actually bringing Artie out to dinner tomorrow night as a real birthday gift. Artie turned 40 today.
Artie said that this was a thoughtful gift. He said that the 40 year old thing is kind of fucking with him. Howard read an e-mail he got about this Subutex stuff that Artie is taking. The writer says that the more he takes, the less it works. He took about 11 the other day so they were probably not doing their job.
Artie said he'll have to watch how much he takes from now on. He then asked someone to cut him a piece of that cake. They cut him a big slice which was about the size of two of the cupcakes that he usually gets. Artie ate some of it and said ''Oh my god'' with his mouth full. He said it was orgasmic and this was the best gift since the 12 gallons of Jack Daniels.
Artie said that the cupcake has icing with white cake and two fillings. It's got chocolate butter cream and vanilla and it's all encrusted in a chocolate icing. Artie said that the cupcake money goes to the Lifebeat charity so go to Crumbs and get some Artie Lange cupcakes.
Howard gave Mike some plugs and then got right to his game. Here's how it goes. Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Howard said that Artie had finished his giant piece of cake already and it looked like he was ready to pass out from it. He told Howard that he had woken up this morning with a cough and he thinks that the cake actually cured it. He asked if he could take that home with him. Gary said that he can, he still has the box. Artie told him to have Teddy get it home for him and to keep that cold sore on his lip away from it.
Artie told the guys that they can have a piece of the cake if they want it. Robin said that maybe he just wants to take half of it home and leave the rest there for the staff. Artie said he didn't understand what she was saying.
Artie said he got an incredible love letter from a chick who wrote a poem for him. He said she didn't send any pictures though and that doesn't fly.
Howard read through some e-mail about the shows this week. He read stuff about the guests they've had on the show this week and some people don't want to hear Donald Trump on the show anymore. The fans seemed to like the Porn Star Feud game they had yesterday.
Howard said they got a lot of positive feedback about that new phony phone call that Sal and Richard did with the Riley Martin audio clips. Howard was going to play it one more time so he had to ask the guys where it was. Gary told him where it was and Howard played it once again.
Sal came in and said that they have a couple of other ''Huh'' guys like Evil Dave and Pat Cooper so they're going to do another one with all three of them. They should have that for next week.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if any of the guys there ever beat off to the other staff members significant others. Howard said he can't remember doing that to anyone. Artie said that he may have beat off to Beth before she even started dating Howard. He said that Beth was in the movie ''Flirting with Disaster'' and he jerked off to a scene which she was in. He said that he jerked off to both of the women in the scene so Beth was one of them.
Howard said that Jason claims that he's jerked off to Marlo Goodstein, Doug's wife. Jason said that he's told them how hot he's found her before. Doug came in and said that's cool but pretended to be pissed. Jason said she used to pop into his fantasy quite often. Howard said he always thought that Marlo was too attractive for Doug. Doug said that Beth is a little out of Howard's league too.
Artie said he's jerked off to Jim Florentine too. Benjy may have jerked off to Marlo because Doug said he's always telling him how hot she is. Richard came in to tell them something but Howard ended up talking about how Richard sent him a web site where there are only gay guys doing gay shit to each other. Howard said that he saw the site and closed right out of it and wondered why Richard would send him shit like that. Richard said it's funny stuff on that site.
Richard said he jerked off to Will and his girlfriend banging one night when he was living with them. He was in the next room and heard them going at it. Howard said he beat off to Beth's FHM magazine layout one time. He said he'd admit it if he ever beat off to anyone else like Jackie's wife Nancy but he never did. Artie said that he jerked off to Dana for about a month and a half before he went out with her. He said it was a touchdown when he finally got to go out with her.
Robin asked Howard if he's ever whacked it to any of his friend's girls. He said that he can't think of any. He said he never did it to Rebecca Romijn when asked about her. He never did it to Ross' wife Melissa or anyone else that he could think of.
Fred said that his brain just won't go there so he could never do that to anyone he knows like that. Benjy said he's had a sex dream about Beth. Richard said he's beat off to Robin in the past but not since he started working there. He said that was a fantasy he had before he started working there.
Artie asked if anyone had ever beat off to the interns. Gary said he used to have interns doing stuff to each other in his fantasies. He said he got in trouble for just talking about that even though it wasn't real. Gary said that if he was going to do it to anyone, it would probably be Dana, Artie's ex.
Artie said he thinks it's funny that he remembers jerking off to the blondes in that movie that Beth was in. Benjy said that he jerks off thinking about his own ex-girlfriend since he broke up with her. Howard said he still thinks about a one night stand he had when he whacks off.
Sal was messing around with the Gary Mask in Gary's office and ended up whacking his knee on his filing cabinet so he was in pain for a little while. Gary told him that was really a shame but said it very sarcastically. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard had Ronnie come in and said that he should fire the two of them. Ronnie said they asked Artie about it and Artie thought it would be funny. Howard said that he has to stop what he's doing in the middle of the show and it's not funny. He told Ronnie he doesn't want him out there doing comedy bits, he wants him to do security. He said he knows he's having fun out there but he can't have him doing that stuff.
Howard said he fights to keep these guys there and they're out there fucking around with this stuff. He said that there are people that don't want Scott working there and he fights to keep him there and this is what he does. He said that he's the one who is supposed to prank people, not them. He said he hates work and when he gets pranked by his own people, it sucks.
Artie said they told him about the idea and he thought it was funny. He said it was supposed to be a prank on Steve, not on Howard. Howard said that he was about to talk about Cindy Crawford and then Steve comes running in and he has to do this stuff now. He went off on Scott and Ronnie about the prank and asked them what was so funny about it. He told them to come up with something funny that they can use, not this nonsense.
Howard told the two of them that it wasn't funny, it was pathetic. He said that no other show could turn Scott into a star. He said that his show made him a star. It took Fred making up a funny sound to make him that star but he is a star.
Howard asked the guys what they hoped would happen. Scott said that he and Ronnie were thinking the other day that if Steve heard Howard announcing that he was there with the news, he'd go running in. That's what they did to him and he ran into the studio when they played the clip. Howard said he'd rather have Scott concentrating on his work since he's late with stuff sometimes. He said that Ronnie should have nothing to do with bits either. He said that Ronnie is getting too comfortable with his job now.
Howard said that maybe these two should go off and do their own radio show. He said they could do bits and have people run in on their show instead. Howard asked Robin if she got the joke. She didn't get it either. Howard said that he turned it funny after the screwed up the show. He said that he had something funny planned for this segment and they fucked it up.
A caller asked Howard what got up his ass this morning. He didn't think it was that big of a deal. Howard said that it is a big deal though. He said that he now has to explain to the fans why Steve was in the studio and he didn't want to have to do that. Howard said he can't believe that this guy doesn't get it. He said that he respects his fans and he has a bond with the people who followed him to satellite radio. He has to erupt if he has people sabotaging his show. He said that he doesn't want people who pay to hear him to have to listen to crap like that. Fred said that the joke just didn't translate and he gets why Howard is so upset about this.
Artie said that they told him what they were going to do to Steve but he told them that they have to time something like that perfectly. He said that he told him that he'd stand by it if they got into trouble over it. Howard said that he told Ronnie many years ago that he had to prove to him, every day, that he's not a creep. This didn't help and he still has to try and get past the creepy letter that Ronnie sent to him all those years ago when he first started using him.
Another caller told Howard that it might be time to clean shop there. Howard said he just wants to get through the next 3 years and then get out of there with their dignity, or what's left of it. Howard said that they were ready to throw Scott out the door there at K-Rock and he stood up for him every time.
Another caller said that maybe he should have everyone prank him, even callers. Howard took a bunch of phone calls and let the fans go off on Ronnie and Scott a little bit. Some callers thought he had turned the bit around and made it great. He loved the dead silence that happened after he first yelled at the guys.
One woman called in and said that she thought Ronnie had been funny for the first time ever. Howard joked that the next stunt was going to be Ronnie and Scott driving a car right through the studio. He said he relies on Ronnie to keep weirdos out of the studio but he's a weirdo himself. Artie said that if Howard could have seen how funny they thought the bit was... Howard said he knows, he can imagine. He still doesn't need them doing this stuff out there.
Gary said that Scott just yelled at an intern because of all of this. She asked him for something and he yelled at her. Gary also said he can't believe that they didn't run this past him first, they run everything past him before they do it. They had another joke where they were going to lock the door so Steve wouldn't be able to get in.
Scott came in and apologized again and said that he was yelling at an intern because the intern did something that he didn't approve of. JD came in a short time later and said that Ronnie doesn't like being told that he's not funny. He said that Ronnie told Sal to come in there and hold a sign up over Scott's head that said ''Stupid Bald Fuck.'' Howard said he doesn't want him doing stuff like that.
There was another time that Scott came into the studio and adjusted his board because he had a $100 bet with someone. Scott would have lost his job if he'd done that at any other job.
Ralph called in and said that Ronnie seems to forget what his job is over there. Howard said that's right, he's always out there messing around with the interns and stuff. Ralph said they should make Ronnie sit around in a goofy outfit or something.
The guys talked about how Scott is still getting over his hernia operation but he finds time to do these jokes. Howard said that he's supposed to go meet with Mel Karmazin this morning about major stuff that's going on there and now he's going to be late.
Steve said that they have a story about Artie's assistant Teddy being left off the Secret Santa list. Howard said that Doug Herwitt from his web site was left off the list too. Howard said that he takes care of Doug though. Artie said that Teddy is taken care of by him too so he shouldn't be so upset.
Bobo called in and told Howard that it might be time for Ronnie to go after this stunt. Artie said that he's kind of behind this too and he should take some of the heat. He said that they were apprehensive about it and they probably wouldn't have done it if it wasn't for him.
Steve said that they have a story about Stuttering John who has released a new movie trailer, for the movie ''One, Two, Many,'' and he mentions that he might be known from the Howard Stern Show. He doesn't mention that he's on the Tonight Show. Howard said he saw that on WireImage.com the other day, they listed John as ''John Stern'' instead of John Melendez.
Howard let Steve go and had Jon Hein give his show preview. Jon said they'll talk about Pat Cooper's visit and Bob Levy as well. He had a few other things that they'd be covering today as well.
Yucko the Clown called in and sang his own version of Happy Birthday for Artie. He didn't throw in any N-words but he did say that Artie works for a filthy Jew.
Howard was about to go to break but Robin reminded him about Mutt from Superfan Roundtable. Mutt got on and said they're doing a special conspiracy show tonight on Superfan Roundtable. He quickly went over that and then Howard went to break.
Howard said that one of the guys was telling him how Robin had hugged him from behind and how he felt her nips on his back. They spent a minute talking about that before Robin got into her news.
Robin read through a bunch of stories but kept the news short and ended it around 10:25am. Howard wrapped up the show and got out of there a short time later.
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Howard started off the show asking John to bring in some water for him. He wondered if he could run all of his commercials first thing in the first hour so they wouldn't have any for the rest of the day. Robin told him that might be out of the question and might end up losing their jobs.
Howard said he read that their ratings are up in the Washington DC area and they're getting close to beating the Greaseman. He said it's happening a little slower than he'd hoped but they are going up and they will prevail. He said the word is getting out and there's no way those blowhards down there are going to beat them.
Howard said he got the first videotapes that were produced and they should be shipping next week. Robin said they'll be out in time for Thanksgiving. Howard said they have a rather handsome picture of him on the cover.
Howard took a call from a guy in Washington who said that he had been listening for 3 years. Howard wasn't there that long. Howard said the guy has probably been listening since they got there which was about a year ago. The caller said he's only 16 but he sounded like an old guy to Howard. Howard told him that he sounds like someone he'd be hanging around with.
The kid wasn't as excited as he was at first so Howard asked him what was going on with that. The kid said it must be his phone but Howard figured it was that he'd just realized he was talking to a 16 year old. The kid said he just realized it was Howard and it was kind of surprising to him. Howard thanked him for the call and hung up on him.
Howard said he realized that some of the stuff on this new videotape are kind of dirty. He didn't know it until he watched it with his mother. He took another call and talked about the stuff they had coming up today. They had Jessica Hahn and George Carlin coming in. He said that he and George will talk about the FCC thing.
Howard tried talking to the woman he had on the line but she wasn't listening to his answer and talked over him. Howard hung up on her because of that. He said that if she ordered a videotape, he wants her to send it back. Howard said he was going to take a break and then bring Jessica Hahn in there. He went to break after that.
Jessica said hello to Fred who was hiding behind a wall of carts there in the studio. Howard said he hasn't seen Jessica's breasts live but he has seen them in Playboy. Jessica said that she heard the show with someone spanking a woman on the air. She had to ask the guy driving her around to pull over so she could listen. She said that Howard was making all kinds of sounds and then the girl coming on to him.
Howard said he can't wait to get Jessica and Sam Kinsion back together. She had joked about Sam having sat in that seat that she was in because it felt like someone short had sat there. Howard said he wanted to do a little news before he got into the dial-a-date thing with Jessica. Howard and Robin were talking to Jessica about the type of guy she's looking for. She said she wants someone who isn't a wimp.
Robin got into her news and talked about the knocking down of the Berlin wall. Howard had some tape of that moment that he played. He thought that it was a tape that Robin had made herself. It sounded like people mixing drinks in the background as the wall was being hammered on. Howard interrupted that story to ask Jessica what kind of panties she was wearing. She said she doesn't always wear panties. Howard talked about how he should have ripped her pants off when they were up on stage at an event they did one time. She said she would have died if that had happened. He said he knew that she didn't wear panties back then. He likes to check people out so that's why he wears those dark glasses.
Robin got back to her news. She had some more stuff about the Berlin wall and about the Soviet Union shooting lasers at our troops who are flying over and observing the country. Howard asked Jessica if she knew anything about any of that. Jessica just laughed.
Robin read through some more stories and then Howard had to take another break in the middle of that. Howard told Jessica that she was looking really good today. He said that her nose looked really good and that led to him talking about how he'd like to get one himself. Jessica said that he should get one and she'd hold his hand through the whole thing. She said that the discomfort is mostly from the bandages they stick in your nose. She said that she was having dinner with Hef just 4 days after her surgery.
Howard said he likes that Jessica is going to date one of the guys in their audience. He said that Fred is dating a woman he met on a dial-a-date. She didn't believe that but it was true. Howard asked Jessica what she wants to do with her breasts because she was talking about getting them done. Howard said they looked fine to him but she wanted them lifted a little bit. He asked her to take them out so he could see them. She wasn't taking them out.
Howard said that Jessica shouldn't wear fake nails anymore. He's heard that you can ruin your nails by wearing fake ones. She insisted they were real and not fake. She told Howard that he could get a nose job done no problem. If he went in on a Friday, he'd be back on Monday no problem. Howard went to break after that.
Howard had Robin get back to her news. She talked about a woman who killed her kid and ended up getting off by pleading insanity. Howard and Robin spent a couple of minutes talking about that. Robin had a couple more stories and then wrapped up her news segment.
Howard asked Jessica about this Thunder and Mud special she was part of. She said that she did it but there was an embarrassing moment that she wasn't too thrilled with. That led to Howard talking about doing some oil wrestling one time and didn't know what to do so he just got the hell out of it. He said that the girls wrestling together turned him on because it looked like something lesbian was going on. He said he wanted to take a break and then get into the dial-a-date thing with Jessica.
Howard said that Jessica is going to be going out with one of the audience members and that's going to be a pretty good notch in the belt of the guy who gets that. He said that it's possible that Jessica would sleep with a guy from the audience. He said he figures there's a 70 percent chance that she'd do something like that.
Howard asked Fred if his dial-a-date girl's name is on his mortgage or anything. Fred said that she's not and she does kick in some money once in a while. Jessica said that there has to be a few rules about not taping the date and stuff like that. Howard said that all of the phone lines went dead after the callers heard that there were rules.
Howard told Jessica he had guys on the phone but asked her if she wanted to get into some spanking with him. She wanted to get to the phones instead. She wanted to take things slowly and said that she'd rather start out rubbing his back a little and work into that other stuff slowly.
Howard went to the phones to find out what kind of guys they had wanting to date Jessica. Captain Janks was the first one on the line. He said he'd like to do the dial-a-date thing. He even had a poem for Jessica. Howard told him that it was going to take a half hour to play so he might not have time to do it. Janks said he had time and he was going to play. Howard put him on hold and took some more calls.
Howard went through a bunch of calls trying to find some guys to participate in the dial-a-date. He told Jessica to come over to him so he could massage her. He had her over by him and had her legs up in the air. Jessica said that Howard is really good at massaging. Howard asked some callers if they wanted to date Jessica. The callers that didn't get to it quick enough were hung up on.
Howard had a lawyer on the line who said that he's a lawyer and makes about $52,000 a year but he's only 26 years old. Howard said that she might want to think about this one. Howard put him on hold and went to some more calls. He found a guy who sounded a little odd so he hung up on him. The next guy claimed to be an M.D. So Robin asked him some medical questions. The guy said he's actually a surgeon and he makes over $100,000 a year. Jessica seemed like she was kind of interested in that guy playing the game.
Jessica was telling Howard about some of the stuff that she's done with guys in the past. She said that she used to get dressed up for a guy she was going out with. Howard threw in Jim Baker's name as a joke during that discussion. Howard asked her if she ever got spanked. She said she didn't but Howard figured she had. He wanted to spank her himself and asked her what she wanted to be spanked with. She didn't say but he found out that she may have been tied up by a guy she was with. She also said that she and Jim Baker did some stuff in a baptismal room one time. Jessica said that she felt really bad doing what she did with him.
Howard put the doctor on hold and said that they were going to do some spanking when they got back from break. He went to commercial break right after that.
Howard told Jessica that she could spank him and even pull down his pants to do it. He told her he'd then do a role reversal and spank her. Jessica said she didn't want to be spanked on the air. She said she did yesterday but today she wasn't into it.
Howard told Jessica what to do since she seemed to be clueless about exactly what to do. Howard asked her what she was going to use to spank him, a Frisbee or her hand. She was going to do it with the Frisbee but changed her mind. She was closing her eyes and didn't want to look at him with his pants down. She said she's never done this before and asked Fred and Jackie to turn around so they wouldn't see. Stuttering John came into the studio so Howard yelled at him to get out of there.
Jessica said that Howard was wearing powder blue underwear and he wasn't peanut sized down there. Howard was over her lap in his underpants and couldn't believe it. He said he's 35 years old with 2 kids and he's over her lap getting spanked. He told her to go ahead and say ''Howard you've been a bad boy!'' and to humiliate him until he makes in his pants. She started spanking him a short time later. She was giving him some whacks on his ass but then started to get upset when she thought about him spanking her. She didn't want him to get mad at her and sounded upset about it. She asked him to do something different.
Howard said that they could have both been in their underwear but she ruined the whole thing and humiliated him. He said he was embarrassed by the whole thing. He asked Jessica if she wanted to do it or not. She told him to do something else and use his imagination. He said that she really doesn't want or love him like she claims she does. He said that he's only shared that stuff with one other woman. She just blew her chance.
Jessica said she might be able to do it if the lights were off in the studio. Howard told the guys to turn the lights off real quick. They did that and Howard told her to hurry up and get on his lap. She didn't want anyone coming into the studio while she was doing it. Howard said that they'll make sure no one comes in. She was hesitating saying she didn't know if she could do this. She kept going back and forth trying to decide so it was taking a little bit of time. Howard said that she seems to be very inhibited but she did pose for Playboy.
Jessica eventually said she was going to do it but it was getting late and Howard had to take another commercial break. Howard gave up on her and said that she was being a big baby. He wanted to share that moment with her but she blew it. She said that she still wanted to do it so Howard called her over again and she got over his legs. He was going to pull her pants down but she was writhing around on his legs and got up. He said it was too hard to take her pants off so she said that he was too afraid to do it. He told her to get back over there and he'd take her pants off. She went back over and asked to just stand there instead of getting on his lap. Howard told her to go back and sit down.
Howard said that she seemed to want some romance but it wasn't happening there. He took his pants off for her but she wouldn't do the same for him. He humiliated himself in front of everyone for her but she didn't want to do the same for him. Jessica said she had her pants down but Howard said they really weren't. The two of them argued a little bit about that and Howard threw out Sam Kinison's name during the arguments. She didn't like that he had done that and didn't want him taking Sam's side. He'd said that he sees why Sam fell asleep inside of her after all of this. She sounded a little upset by that comment. Jessica was still trying to negotiate with Howard for what he wanted her to do. He still wanted to spank her but she wanted to do something special instead of doing something that he'd done the day before.
Howard moved on to the second caller and asked him what he does for a living. He's a lawyer and explained what he does in that position. Howard said he hates lawyers and the unnecessary litigation they get involved with. Howard was still upset with Jessica about what she didn't do earlier. She said that she'd take her top off and leave it off for the rest of the show. He seemed up for that but George Carlin was there waiting to come in so Howard said that maybe they can have him in and give Jessica a break. Howard told Jessica to go take a break for a half hour or so and he'd have her back in after George Carlin.
George said that this place was new since the last time he was on. Howard said that it was about a step above the last place. He went on to talk to George about the Jim Baker/Jessica Hahn thing. They spent a few seconds on that and then talked about last night's Letterman. George said he was on with some animals from Columbus and some woman from ''30 Something'' who he didn't know.
Howard said that George was there today to promote a show he's doing at Westbury Music Fair. They talked about that a little bit and then got into some discussion about the FCC. Howard said he just got his second letter from the FCC. He said that he can't even say penis on the show now because that's what they're fining him over. He was talking about a guy playing the piano with his penis and got fined for that.
Howard said he was reading about George doing the Tonight Show and how he was embarrassed by just one episode that he did when he was high. George said that didn't sound right because he's always smoked pot and he probably did just one episode sober.
Howard said he had to take another break before finishing up with George. He said that they could spend a little more time with George and then get back to Jessica Hahn. He ended up talking more about the FCC with George because he was involved with the seven dirty words thing. Howard said that those words don't mean anything to anybody and they don't hurt anyone if people hear them. He said he uses those words all the time and he doesn't know of anyone who doesn't, other than his mom maybe. He and George talked about that stuff for a short time and then George was saying that he was brought up to respect certain people like guys in sports and guys in the military and those guys use that kind of language all the time. He said that it's time for the government to get off his back already.
Howard asked George about cheating and if he does that anymore. George said that he doesn't do that anymore, he was only doing that when he was in a weird position in his life. He said that he never really got into the whole threesome thing either. He said he'd always be worried about what the other woman was doing.
Howard said that Sam Kinison was on the show the day the Rolling Stone came out with George's interview in it. He said some nice things about Sam in the article and he knows that Sam really appreciated that. Howard gave George some plugs for his upcoming comedy show and talked to him about some other stuff he's working on. George said he's working on a TV show that he's hoping to make happen. He said that should be good and it won't be like ''Honey I'm Home.''
Howard spent a couple more minutes with George but George had to get going so Howard let him go. George was getting ready to leave when he saw Jackie in the studio. He said he loves Jackie and didn't know that was him sitting there. He said he was sorry he didn't recognize him. He said he used to call his joke line and loved the jokes he told. They swapped care packages with each other at one point. Howard said Jackie finally knows someone. He always claims that he knows people but this is the first time it actually worked out for him. Howard said that Jackie was throwing his Jokeman cup in his face the whole time.
Jackie thanked Howard for introducing him to George. Howard said that you wouldn't even know Jackie was in comedy if he didn't have George recognize him. He goofed on Jackie for a short time after that. They were also talking about how great George Carlin is.
Robin told Howard that he was brought up on the evening news last night. One of the local channels was doing a ''radio wars'' report about the stations there in New York. She said that they had a story about Jim Kerr and why he wasn't at WPLJ anymore. He claimed that they wanted to go in a new direction and that's why he was fired. Howard said you don't get fired if you have good ratings. Robin gave Howard some of the details of the report before Howard had Jessica Hahn come back in.
Howard said that Jessica just showed them to him like she really wanted to do that. She said she doesn't really show anyone, other than in Playboy. Howard said they looked right to him and told her to leave them alone. He went to break a short time later.
Howard said that things were getting very sexual in there today. He said that Jessica has never shown those things to anyone before, other than Sam.
Howard got the lottery winner guy on the phone and asked him a few questions about going out with Jessica. The guy sounded very interested in going out with her. He said he won the lottery last year after playing the same numbers for 7 years in a row. He said he didn't even find out right away because he wasn't watching that closely. He jokingly said he wet his pants when he found out he'd won. Jessica said she doesn't need another one of those guys referring to Sam Kinsion's little incident when he crapped himself in the hotel room he was staying in one time.
The caller said that he just carried the ticket around with him in his work shirt like it was no big deal. He said he's purchased a house with the money and he gets about $75,000 a year over 20 years as the payoff. Howard said that's ridiculous that they knock it down that far because of taxes and stuff. The guy said that he makes about $35,000 in his regular job so he's bringing in about 100 grand a year. Howard said that's not too bad.
Jessica said that she'd want the guy to be tested to make sure he doesn't have AIDS or anything. She asked him if he's been with a lot of women. He said it's about 50 women and she thought that was a little high. Howard said that she's been with a lot of guys too. She said that it's not more than 10 that she can come up with. She said that it's more like 6. Howard said that was hard to believe but she insisted that it was right around that many. She said she loves to be loved but it's not that many guys. She said it's definitely under 10.
Howard went through a bunch of names of people he knew that Jessica had been with and he came up with 6 himself. She said that she was with some guys for a long time so there weren't a lot more. That led to Jessica talking about how she saw two guys together having sex one time. She said that they're good looking guys who aren't famous. She said she was in a hotel room with them and they were doing some publicity for this movie she was going to see. She said that she's not even sure if they're gay or not.
Jessica said she told them to wait for her at the hotel room and when she went over to get them, they were laying down in the bed naked together watching a movie. They told her that it was just a joke that they were playing on her but she's not sure about that. Howard said that maybe they weren't gay, they just wanted her to get naked and get in bed with her. He asked her why she didn't just jump into the bed with them. She must not have been thinking like that at the time.
Howard told Jessica it was very nice of her to show him her breasts. He said that was the nicest thing she could have done for him. He told her that he had to take a break and then they'd go over the dial-a-date thing and have her decide. The break must have been edited out because Howard then asked her to make her decision. They did a quick review of who they had spoken to on the phone earlier. Jessica wanted some help picking a guy but Howard told her she had to decide for herself. She wondered what Janks was like, she knew that Howard had met him. Howard said that he's okay but he said it shouldn't matter what he thinks.
Jessica said that the 26 year old was younger than her and that might be weird. She said that she was going to go with the truck driver/lottery winner guy. Howard got him on the line and gave him the good news. He told the guy that should be good news for him and his buddies should be impressed. Howard told the guy that Gary is going to chaperone the date. Jessica asked that he go to the doctor and get tested just in case something may happen. She said that she has to be there at the doctor's office to see the test results.
Howard asked the guy what his name was. His name was Pat so Howard asked if it's ''Pat McGroin'' and got a laugh out of the guy. Then the guy said that he wanted to get in a plug for his band. Jessica asked what he played. He plays bass. They spent a couple more minutes on that before Howard put the guy on hold.
The guys told Jessica that picking the bass player may have been the wrong choice. They said that the bass player always thinks about how he could have been a lead guitar player if he could just play more than one string at a time.
Howard asked the guys if they were going to be singing on their show. They said they weren't but Howard told them they should because they can still sing. They did a little bit of stuff but one of the guys ended up cursing.
Howard had the two of them performing a song for him and tried singing along with them. That didn't last very long so Howard asked them to sing something else. They didn't want to get into that stuff and said that playing the old stuff makes people get sick of what you play. Howard said that doesn't matter, if it was him, he'd be playing the old stuff all the time.
Howard asked Robin if she had any other news stories to read today. She had a couple more to go through. She read one about Todd Bridges court case. They talked about that for a short time. Robin went through a couple of other things before they ended the show. Howard wrapped up with Flo and Eddie after that. He spent a couple of minutes talking to them before letting them go and ending the show. He played a song parody about Kitty Dukakis as they ended the show around 9:35am (Master Tape Theatre time).
Howard read an article about George's HBO special. The author gave him a good review but then kind of goes off on him at the end of the article about the way George will go out of his way to pick on certain groups. George said he only picks on the people he knows can take it.
Howard asked George where he's going this morning after this show. George said he's going to see Regis and Kathie Lee. Howard said that they're two empty heads over there. He told George he should bring up the fact that Regis doesn't send any money to his wheelchair bound son. He said the guy tries to make himself seem like a good guy but he does have a dark side. Howard said that could end up being even better than the HBO special.
Howard said he was in a bathtub with a naked Jessica Hahn two weeks ago. He said that he can see what happened to Jim Baker after that. He said he ended up in there and Jessica was naked. He said he couldn't go in alone so Jackie went in with him. He said that Jackie ended up in there next to her first and then he got in himself. They were in a hotel room down in Philly when all of this happened.
Howard said that Jackie arranged for the two of them to be the same distance from Jessica. He said that she started to touch him and got all excited about it. He said that he hasn't been touched like that by another woman in a long time since he is married.
Howard and Robin talked about Kathie Lee and her odd behavior with her kids. They spent a short time on that and then asked George about what else he's up to. George said he's working on some new material for a new album. They talked about some controversy that was going on with Dice Clay. George said he didn't think what Dice did was all that witty and he doesn't see the humor in it.
Howard asked George about the shoes he was wearing and George gave him a sarcastic answer about how he was wearing a two, a left and a right.
Howard did a commercial for some hair care products and came back with George a short time later. He said he was embarrassed to do live commercials while he was there. Howard said he had a few more things he wanted to talk to George about before he went to do Regis. George got into a discussion about the use words to describe people. Howard gave him a plug for his HBO special and let him go a short time later. He and Robin spent a few more minutes talking before the segment was over.
Today's Master Tape Theatre show ended around 10:05am.
