Howard started off the show talking about how he was up at 1 in the morning. He went to bed early but got up really early too. Robin asked him if he had a chess game pending or something. Howard said he was involved in a tournament thing. Beth even said something to him about how she feels she's lost him to chess. He said he only played one game but he did offer to give up the game if she thinks that it's threatening their relationship. He said she doesn't want him to do that but she does feel that he's spending too much time playing.
Howard said that there are new songs about Robin as well. He said that Dan the Song Parody Man is always working. He sent one called ''Food Masturbater'' to the tune of ''Smooth Operator.'' Robin was laughing at that as it played. Howard said there was another one about her enemas that was a little bit long. He said he cut it down because the chorus was funny. it was to the tune of Van Halen's ''Panama'' and it was called ''Coffee Enema.'' He said there was a lot going on in that one.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up Van Halen and asked if he thinks they'd ever get the band to play that song parody in there. Howard said he saw a video on YouTube the other night with Van Halen playing a song and having something kind of screwed up so the synth track was sped up and Eddie had to try and catch up on it. JD came in and said that there were some discussions on the web where some people were saying that they have a keyboard player back stage and he was doing okay but it may have been that Eddie was given the wrong guitar by the guitar tech.
Howard played the clip from this North Carolina show and Eddie's guitar just sounds really bad. They were performing ''Jump'' at the time and they were down in South Carolina or somewhere like that according to what Howard knew.
Artie wondered why Eddie didn't just go to get a different guitar after the first note. The guys said that the keyboard was kind off too high pitched and Eddie may not have even heard that. Fred said that Eddie was playing all of the right shit and he was probably just so into what he was doing that he didn't know what was going on.
The caller on the line asked Howard if he and Beth were okay after he brought up the problem he had with her the other night. Howard said that they're fine, they had a great weekend together and it's all behind them now. He said that he is still willing to give up chess if she wants him to but she doesn't want him to do that. He said he spent a lot of time with her this weekend.
Howard said that he's gone from a 700 rating at the chess site to a 1600 in about a year and that's not an easy thing to do if you're not dedicated to what you're doing.
Howard played more of the Van Halen stuff and had the intro of ''Jump'' where they had a really long intro. Fred said it was off right from the beginning.
Artie said he's never seen Van Halen live before and he really wants to go see them. Howard said he saw them live one time but with Sammy Hagar. He did stay on the same floor of a hotel room in 1980 though. He said that it was the craziest night in a hotel because there were people running around trying to get their attention.
Howard said he was living in a hotel out in Detroit for a couple of months back then when he was working at a station out there. He said that he got to Detroit and they showed him how to get to the station so he got this hotel and just sat there for hours waiting to do his show. He said that he'd go to work, do his thing and then he'd go back to the hotel and just wait. He said he didn't go out and do much of anything other than eating while he waited. He said he knows that people would think that he's really out of his mind when they hear that story.
Howard said that this dawned on him during therapy that he wouldn't leave his room because he was afraid that he wouldn't do well on the show so he'd just wait until the next show. He said he would read papers and write material for the show and think about what he could do with the show to make himself better. He said he was insane.
Howard said he never thought about going out for a walk or anything like that. He said that he was locked in that prison for 20 years too. Now he's come out of that shell and he knows that there's something terribly wrong with him. He said he doesn't know how he could sit in a room like that and not do anything out in the real world.
Robin said that Howard was staying in a place when he was working at WRNW where he wasn't even allowed to talk. Howard said he just had a cot at that place and he was staying with Monks. He didn't want to get too into the details but he said he would just lay in the bed and stare at the wall until the next show.
Howard said that silence can sometimes hurt your ears. It's so quiet that it can hurt. He said that you have to get used to the silence. He said that when you passed someone in the hall you would just smile. He said that he stayed there because it was affordable. He was only making $96 a week and that place only cost him $100 a month to stay in. He had to fill his car up with gas and stuff like that so he needed some money. His father did help him out with a Shell gas card just in case he needed that but he tried not to borrow money.
Howard said that the 10th anniversary of ''Private Parts'' was this year and he knows that they shot some really good stuff that they could have put on a DVD as bonus material. He said he wishes that they had been able to include that stuff.
Artie asked if Howard knew what was out that same weekend that Howard's movie came out in 1997. Howard said it was Star Wars but that wasn't right. Artie said it was that movie ''Jungle to Jungle'' with Tim Allen that came out. Howard said they managed to beat that movie so that was nice.
Howard said that sitting inside a house not talking to anyone is a real problem and if you're like that, you should seek some help.
Howard said he and Beth went with Ross and his wife Melissa to see Bruce. He said they were sitting in the audience and Ross was singing along and text messaging people during the show. He said that he got a hold of the set list and tried to show it to Ross but Ross wanted to be surprised at what was going to be played. Gary said that Ross yelled at him for mentioning one song that they were going to play that night.
Howard said that Gary was at the show too and Ross was texting him even though he was there. Gary said that he had 40 text messages from Ross about the show. Gary said that the first text message read ''Radio Nowhere'' so he knows that's the opening song.
Howard said that he enjoyed the show even though he didn't stay too long. Gary said that Jason actually got an e-mail about work before the encore started at the show. Howard said he had gone out to dinner before the concert and got a little drunk. He said that Beth had to go pee before the show started and Ross was afraid they were going to miss the first song. Howard said he and Beth were making out at the concert so that was kind of cool to do. Artie said he did that when he was 17 and it is kind of cool.
Howard said that he ran into John Sykes who used to work at MTV when he was there at the concert. He said he also ran into Chuck Zito there so they hugged and said hello. Howard said that they patted each other on the back, not really a close hug. He said that he told Chuck that he likes his show so Chuck was saying he wants to do it more. No one bother's Chuck there at the show.
Howard said he didn't see Gary at the show even though he was there. He said he could have come to dinner with them if he wanted. Gary said he went to Little Steven's hospitality area instead. Gary said he had a good time there at the concert. Howard asked him how long he stayed there. Gary said that Howard left between the 14th and 15th songs from what he heard. There were 23 songs total. Howard said he saw enough of the concert, he didn't need to see the whole thing.
The guys talked about some of the other songs that were played that night and how Bruce does those talks before his songs. Howard said he likes seeing Bruce's wife on stage with him and the dynamic going on between them. Howard said they have a lot of guitar players up there and it's like 14 guys playing guitar at the same time. He said it's just too many guys playing guitar. Gary said there was one moment when just about everyone had a guitar, including the violin player.
Howard said he was watching Bruce and his wife and wondered if Bruce hates having his wife there with him every night. He said that those raps that Bruce does are the same every night too and it's kind of weird to hear him doing those things when you know he's reading them and doing them in every show. He said that he should be more spontaneous.
Gary said that he does some raps that can upset his fans. He was booed over some of his political stuff. Howard said he didn't seem to smell much weed when he was there but Gary said there was a ton near him.
Howard took a call from Wolf who said that he was surprise to hear that he made it so far into the concert. Gary also said that Howard made it to a Springsteen fan site that mentioned him as a notable guest there at the concert. Howard said that he had a problem with some chick standing near his seat at one point when he walked away for a short time. He said that he just wanted to sit and watch the concert. Security came and took her away though so he didn't have to worry about it for too long.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's tired of hearing about this gay Bruce Springsteen stuff and they should be talking about KISS instead. That led to the guys talking about how they don't get KISS and aren't all that into them. The caller was though. Howard hung up on him and took another call from a guy who said that Howard was bad mouthing Bruce not all that long ago saying he'd never go to see him. Robin told the guy that Howard met Bruce and that changed him a little bit. He said that he doesn't hate him, he's just not a superfan like he is about the Stones or Van Halen or bands like that.
Howard said he's the same about The Eagles. He said he'd probably enjoy them but he's not a superfan with them either. Gary said they're going to be in town soon and he has tickets so he might have to bring him along with him. He told Howard he'd be surprised at how good they are.
Artie said that he had a good time there. He said that Belzer had some good lines that night and had one about Lisa Lampanelli. He also said that the show went on for three hours so that was a little long. Gary and Artie talked about some of the good jokes that the comedians were telling up there. They said that the N-word was flowing quite a bit out there. The only black guy there was Michael Spinks and Pat threw it out there and it just kind of came flowing out for no apparent reason.
Artie said that Michael was the go-to black guy there and even he made a joke about him not having a relationship with his kids and it was apparently taboo to bring up. Gary said there was a joke that didn't go over very well and he's not sure if it was because no one knew who he was or what. Artie told the joke and Howard said that must have gone over really well.
Artie said that he made some jokes about Jeff Ross and he ended up getting some calls about it because they think he thinks that Jeff steals jokes. He doesn't really think that, he was just making a joke. Howard asked him if he likes doing those roasts. Artie said that they're fun and they've had him come back a bunch of times and they don't do that if you don't do well.
Howard said that he might be helping his parents out by letting Sour Shoes on the show like this. Gary said that he doesn't turn it into any work or anything though. He just sits on the phone playing music for them. Howard asked Sour Shoes if he's going to be out babysitting today. He said that he probably will be but he'll also be making hundreds of calls to the station today. Gary said that he calls everyone there and fills up their voice mail. He said that he can sometimes even get to the head of the company.
Sour Shoes was talking about the great meals he can get living at home with his parents and he has no reason to leave. Howard asked Sour if he's still a virgin but he was busy doing his radio announcer impression. Howard asked him again and found out that he is a virgin. Gary said that some of the interns there asked if it was okay to go out with him and he wasn't sure what to tell them because he doesn't know him so well.
Howard asked Sour some questions about what school he went to and found out it was St. Johns. Gary thought it was Columbia but he was wrong. Sour Shoes said that he didn't get chicks in college and figured he could wait a little longer to find the right person. Robin asked Howard if he thinks that Sour Shoes is gay. Howard said he doesn't think he is but Sour Shoes said that he wishes he was. Howard let him go a short time later and let him play himself off with another Bruce song.
Howard asked Chris if he got fired or something. Chris said he doesn't go on until later on so he's not working right now. Chris said that he's pretty much the only person left at the station. He said that it's his staff and that's about it. They have a morning show on, then music and then his show. Howard heard that they may put him on in the mornings there from what he's heard. Chris said that if the money is good, he'd do it.
Chris said that he used to love doing mornings in Texas because he had time to work on his show. These days he works in the afternoon and it's tough to stay up too late. Howard let Chris go and mentioned that he's on WYSP, his old affiliate station, in Philly.
Artie said that there was some dead silence during the Pat Cooper roast when one of these female comedians was up on stage. She was bombing but she just kept going and going even though it was 15 minutes of silence. He said that this woman was doing something like a documentary up there. She was digging this hole and there were only three people left to go after her. Howard said it sounds like there were too many people on the show.
Howard heard that Artie may have taken Subutex before the show that night. He had the white stuff on his lips. Artie said that he did take it but he wasn't trying to hide it or anything. He said he like show they tell on him there like he was doing something wrong.
Artie said that he has to let these Subutex pills dissolve in his mouth, you can't drink water with it. The white gets all over your lips when you do that. He said that he took the pill in the car on the way over there. He had taken it just 10 minutes before he saw Will and they weren't white up on stage.
Will came in and apologized to Artie if he offended him. Artie said he's not upset about it, he just never denied ever taking the stuff or anything like that. Will said he was just telling Howard some funny stuff about what went on over there.
Howard said that he had to take a break because they had gone an hour and 19 minutes without a break. He had a bunch of stuff to get to after the break.
Howard said that he had this woman on the phone who claims she beat off to Artie. He read through the letter that she wrote to them and she says she's 43. Artie heard that and thanked her for calling in and seemed to want Howard to hang up on her.
Howard asked the woman what she does when she thinks about Artie. She said that she thinks about him doing stuff to her in a restaurant. She said that she'll run the shower head over her vagine when she thinks about this stuff. She said that she'll also watch him on TV and pull out her power toys to help her out. Artie asked if he's the best she can get in her fantasies. She said that she used to think about Tony Soprano too.
The woman, Lisa, said that she'd like to stop by and get a hug from Artie so she can go another 4 years. Artie said that he'd do that no problem as long as she doesn't look like him in a wig. She said that she's about 150 pounds and about 5'7'' tall. Howard said that sounds a little bit dumpy. She said she's working on that. Howard wanted to bring her in anyway so he put her on hold and told him to arrange that.
Howard replayed the ''Food Masturbater'' song that he'd played earlier in the show. He said the chick they had singing was really good too.
Howard said he was reading a story about this senator Bob Kerry who was asked if he would do Imus' show again when he goes back on the air. He said that he would do the show and he encourages other democrats to do the same because they can't evaluate everything that these guys do. Howard said that he was thinking about how these guys do Larry King's show and they don't have a problem with him having 8 wives even though they're all against divorce.
Howard said that one of the guys in the movie says that they should have thought about this years ago. Robin said she heard that there were only 20 people in that town they went to. Howard said that's not the case but he didn't want to spoil anything for her. He said that the movie was good and he could arrange for her to see it if she wants.
Fred played some of LeAnn's music for the guys. Howard likes the song where she's warbles her voice. Fred threw in some old Tarzan yells since they sounded kind of similar.
Howard said he was hoping that someone would pick up on what this Ellen Degeneres is doing with these dogs she's been adopting. There are some stories in the paper about her adopting other dogs and giving them away to other people. In the article they say that Howard was the one who was saying that he heard that she may have done that up to 9 times. The guy they interviewed said that he soon realized that Ellen is neurotic and out of her mind. Ellen kept the dog at her home for a few nights to see if it would get along with her and her pets. She decided to keep the pet but gave it up.
Howard said he had a clip from Inside Edition where they claim that they Ellen has adopted other dogs and returned them to the pet adoption agencies that they've been to. They named a few other dogs and then played some audio from Howard's show where he was talking about how this seems to be a pattern for her.
Howard said that they named 5 dogs in that one report and you'd think that if it happened to you maybe 2 times, you'd give up. He said that after the second time he'd give up on trying to get a dog if it were him. He said that if you want to give her a free pass, maybe you'd give her three dogs. Now she's gone for four and then five dogs so he thinks that she should be neutered and/or spayed herself.
Robin said she had a dog for a while but she only lasted about a year with it. She got rid of the dog and didn't try to adopt another one. Howard said there are places that you can volunteer to go to help out with dogs instead of adopting them and giving them back or giving them away to other people. Howard and Robin talked about how cats can live with anyone, even nuts. Howard said they're much easier to deal with.
Howard played a clip from the Wrap Up show where Gregg talks about Robin joking around with him about asking her out and he feels like she's serious about it. Robin said she's just joking so Howard told her that maybe she should just sit him down and tell him what she really wants.
Gregg came into the studio to talk about this and Robin said she doesn't know what anyone is talking about. Howard then played a clip of her talking to Gregg out in the hall and telling him that she's waiting for him to ask her out.
Gregg said that he would bang Robin but he's not sure if she's just joking around with him. Robin said that she wasn't looking to get banged by him and she's just joking around out in the hall. Howard said that if they do have sex, there can't be any repercussions there. He said that she can't get him fired or anything. Robin said that it's fun flirting with Gregg but that's all it is.
Fred was doing his Jim Florentine impression asking what was going on there. Gregg said that he wouldn't want to step on any toes with Jim so he didn't want to go out with her if Jim is going out with her. Howard told Gregg that Robin would laugh at him if he didn't perform well with her. Gregg said he's not afraid of that, he can perform just fine.
Robin said that she was just playing around with him and this isn't going to happen. Fred, as Jim, suggested that they have Gregg in the back and him in the front. Doug Goodstein came in and said that Robin was talking to Gregg last week and she ''reacted''' to him with her headlights on. She may have been turned on a little bit by him. The guys saw the video shot of her with her headlights on and seemed to be a little surprised by that.
Gary asked Robin if she met Gregg somewhere else, would she go out with him. She said that she'd have no problem with that. She then said that she was trying to get Gregg a date with Lisa. Howard said he doesn't see it and doesn't get why they're into this guy. He said he's a nice looking guy but can't see what all the fuss is about. Lisa said that he's cute but he's too young for her. Robin said she's got no age limitations herself.
Howard asked Gregg who he wanted more, Robin or Lisa. Gregg said that it would be Robin at this point. He said he wouldn't mind moving in and becoming her pool boy or something. Howard said that he could be Robin's Boober, who was Liberace's driver who moved into his house.
Isaac from Howard TV came in and said that Robin really is downplaying this and there's always a lot of sexual tension between her and Gregg out in the hall. Howard played another clip where Gregg was talking to her and Robin was talking in her ''love voice'' that Howard recognized. He said that you could cut that with a knife and it's obvious that Robin is so into him. He continued playing the clip where Gregg said that he was being played by her for this thing with Jim. Robin said she's just playing with Gregg.
Howard got into some of the mail he got about Lisa G and read through that. Some fans said that just getting a whiff from between her thighs would be like walking through a field of sugar cane. Another one said that Lisa seems like a tight ass who never gets laid. They said that Artie needs to lay her down and bang her good. Artie said that he can't give her an orgasm but he'd probably finish a couple of times.
Lisa got into her news and said that they spoke to a fashion editor over at US magazine and got some suggestions for Robin. As she was talking about that Sal came in and said that he had a theory about why Lisa doesn't get laid. He said that he thinks that she has a mangled pussy. He said that she's a good looking girl and there's no other explanation. Howard told him to get out of there but then called him back in and played his voice mail from last week where he said he thought he might have ''an ammonia.'' Sal said he thought he had said it right but Howard played the clip and he didn't get it right. Sal said that he's always heard it as ammonia. Howard asked him to spell pneumonia so Sal spelled it ''neumonia.'' Howard said that Sal makes these comment about people based on nothing. He kicked him out of there after that.
Howard saw a picture of Beth from the Springsteen concert that was posted over at SternFanNetwork.com. Lisa had mentioned that earlier and said that she saw what Beth was wearing at the concert that night.
Lisa talked about some more stories they'll have today. They have one report about Richard flying around the country to these haunted houses and a fan sitting behind him has a report about how much he was drinking on the flight. Howard got a note about Richard and how he started drinking at 8am each day this weekend. Howard asked Artie if that's a problem. Artie said he thinks that they're two full blown alcoholics and they're going to have issues down the road.
Richard came in and said that he knows this but it's mostly him who's drinking. He said his girlfriend doesn't really drink as much as he does. He said that they were on vacation down in New Orleans and they had to do what you do on vacation and had some great mammosas at this place they were staying at. Richard was also saying that you can drink down in New Orleans anywhere you want to out on the street. Richard said that he doesn't get tired of doing it either.
Howard asked Richard if he could give up drinking for a year. Richard said he could but he won't because he has no motivation. He also said that it's the holiday season now and he can't stop drinking because of that. The guys were trying to convince Richard that it's not healthy to do this stuff so much. Richard said he's the one who does all of the drinking and his girlfriend doesn't do it as much as he does. Howard said that was enough of an intervention for him and let him go.
Howard said he had to go to break after that so he can talk to Crazy Alice who was there waiting to come in. Artie said that he had told her that he'd take her to the World Series if the Yankees had gotten into it. That's kind of how that whole thing came about.
Howard said that maybe he should talk to Crazy Alice first and then play some of the Gary Garver interview stuff. He said that Garver went to a charity event and talked to Michael Douglas and really annoyed him and his father Kirk. Howard said that people get annoyed at the silliest things. He said that Janet Jackson was out promoting this new movie that was directed by Tyler Perry. She was on in Sacramento and the reporter asked her about the Super Bowl incident. She refused to answer the question like she was a Nobel prize winner or something. He said that she acted like she was the Queen of England.
Howard played the clip where the anchorman apologizes for what he did. He took full responsibility and called himself a jerk for doing what he did. He said her fans all called him out on it and he apologized for bringing up the question. He said you hear that and think the guy must have been a real asshole but then you hear his innocuous comment to her during this interview. He just said something about the Super Bowl and then asked her what she thinks about the incident at the Super Bowl. The director kept trying to change subjects and Janet sounded like she had no idea what the guy was talking about. Howard said that she sits there like she was a the Queen of England and won't answer anything about this huge story that she was involved with. Howard said that she could have come up with a simple answer instead of ignoring it. He said that there's something wrong with people in this country. She came off as a bore and a half in that interview.
Artie asked Howard if he's ever apologized for a joke he's told. Howard said that he hasn't. He said that Janet should have just said something instead of letting that director guy answer for her.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that his wife is one of those people who said ''ammonia'' like Sal did. He said that maybe he just didn't have anyone in the family who could correct him.
Alice said she had to spit out something she was sucking on. She said that she knows that she looks like a run down truck even though Robin was telling her she looked great. Alice said that she flew out yesterday and that went smooth right up until she got to the hotel. She said that they didn't have anything set up and ready for her at the hotel. She just wanted to go to her room and she had to sit around for an hour waiting for them to set her up. Howard said he's had the same problems in the past when he's gone on vacation.
Howard asked Alice if she's doing okay because he worries about her. She said that she has some disabilities and stuff. She has problems with big words and stuff. She said that she just wanted to see her Artie, Benjy and Fred today. Fred had disappeared so Alice went off on him but just joking around. Alice said that she wanted to look at their cute faces but Howard keeps them blocked so he doesn't have to look at them.
Howard said that Alice had a tough childhood. She's a light skinned black woman and claims that she's half Italian. She told Howard that he's not half-Jewish either. Alice said that she also has some Cherokee Indian in her. She went on to say that her father was an asshole and her mother was a drunk. She said that her father must have come from a rough childhood himself and he carried that along with him.
Alice said that she never did dislike Artie so when they were arguing on the phone they were just doing that for the show. Howard asked Alice if she's really poor. She said that she's on disability so she doesn't have a job. She said that she's done some jobs now and then but it doesn't pay much. She didn't want to get into that whole thing because it would take all day to do it.
Howard asked Alice about the disability payments and how she gets them. He said she seems to be a healthy woman. She said that she has a disability and she wasn't even able to finish high school. Howard said she's not dumb though. She must be able to work at some type of job. Alice said that she's on medication for depression so that might be the disability. She wasn't sure exactly what it was though.
Howard asked Alice about growing up in Birmingham, Alabama. She said that the other black kids (she described them as N-words) there didn't like her. She said that she used to get into fights over the color of her skin. She said that dark skinned blacks were even more racist toward her than white people are toward blacks. She said she used to be called ''dago'' and things like that. She said that she knows who she is and she's not going to deny where she comes from.
Alice said that she was a pretty girl when she was young. She didn't start having sex until she got married at 22. She has a son too and Howard said that he didn't know she had a kid. She said that he's a good kid and she's not sure how that happened because she's not that good. She said that she raised him in a mixed neighborhood and she was able to do that because she and her sister were combining their money together. She said that they were both on SSI so they combined that and were able to afford a decent home.
Howard asked Alice about her husband and what went on there. She said that he was an asshole and said ''fuck him to hell.'' She said that he came up with her to the studio back in 1997 and she remembers Howard wanting to beat the crap out of him. She said that he used to man handle her but she wasn't beaten or anything like that. She said that he was the only man she ever had sex with too.
Howard said that when Alice got divorced she had to move out and go out on her own. She said that her son is actually mildly retarded and she had to put him in a group home. She said she calls him a couple times a day and visits him every week. She said that it's been a tough life for her.
Alice said she used to have a great face but when she had to go through all of this shit, she started eating a lot and blew up. She said that she doesn't disrespect anyone who is overweight. She said she just wants some company and asked Artie out to lunch. Artie said that he'd take her out to lunch no problem.
Howard asked Alice about living in this mixed neighborhood and she said that it had everyone from Hispanics to blacks and crackheads. She said she now lives in a black community and she's still taunted by the Hispanics. She said that people are just mean for no fuckin' reason and they'll find something to talk about even if you look pretty normal. She said they'll start talking to her in Spanish thinking she's Hispanic and she'll go off on them yelling at them about mistaking her for that.
Howard asked Alice if men ever did anything in appropriate to her when she was little. She said that they didn't but they would throw rocks at her.
Howard took some calls for Alice. One guy said that they should give her a show of her own there on SIRIUS. She said she'd love that. She said that she'd do anything they want her to do there. Howard said she had the right attitude to do that stuff. Howard tried to take another call but Alice wouldn't let the guy get in a word. She told Howard to cut off the fuckin' radio as that guy was trying to say something about her.
Alice went on to defend Artie and told people to stay away from him and leave him alone. She said that if you don't like him, they should stay away from his weight. Howard was included in that group. Alice was still yelling at the caller who wasn't able to get much of anything out.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked Alice about her sister who died. Alice told the guy to get off the fuckin' phone and talked a little bit about her sister having cancer and passing away. She said that her sister was the silent type and she was really nice to her so it was a great loss in her life.
Alice was going off on the caller, which was Bobo, who had just asked a simple question. Howard asked Alice why she snaps so quick with people like that. Alice was goofing on his bald head an calling him ugly like a lizard. She said that she looks better than him. Howard said that he sees now that she's not crazy, she's just got a heart that hurts. She should be called Heart-is-Hurting Alice instead.
Ralph called in and said that Alice is a drain on society by collecting disability. She wouldn't let him get a word in and kept talking over him. She told him to go suck on a dick and get off the phone. King of All Blacks called in next and said that he doesn't like people talking to her that way. Howard didn't think that he was being rude himself. King went on to ask Alice if she wanted to go out to dinner with him. Alice said that she doesn't go out with married guys. King said that he's having problems with his wife though so it wouldn't be a problem. Howard said he didn't think he was being sincere and hung up on him.
Howard had some Crazy Alice prank calls that the guys have made using clips of her voice. He played one where they called a woman and had Alice asking her ''Who's dis?'' Alice went off on the woman in that call after Howard played it. Howard said he had to lower her microphone during the call because she was yelling at the call while it was playing. Howard played a second clip where Sal and Richard called a modeling agency and tried to set her up with them. They had Alice asking ''Who's dis?'' and a few other things.
Howard wanted to play another Alice call but he wasn't able to find it on his computer. Howard told Alice that she should come back and do a show on Howard 101 sometime. She said that she'd do that. She also said that she loves guys like Riley, Big Foot and Fred the Elephant Boy. Alice is going to be on the Wack Pack Town Meeting tonight at 7 on Howard 101. Alice said she doesn't like being part of that Wack Pack, she doesn't think that she is part of that.
Sal found the prank call that they were looking for and Howard played that as they were wrapping up. In this call they had a guy on the line who played along with the clips and said something about ''nig*er loves sweetening...'' a couple of times during that call. Howard asked Alice if she knows what he was talking about. She said she didn't have any idea.
Howard took a couple more calls, including one from Mariann from Brooklyn who said she wants to hook up with her while she's out there in the area. Artie told Alice that she should go see Jersey Boys while she's in town. She asked Artie to just take her across the street to the Yankees store and let her buy something. Artie said he'd do that. He said there's nothing like buying an $85 Yankees mug for someone. Howard went to break as they were playing a Crazy Alice song parody.
Howard said he's been listening to last week's Wrap Up Show and they were talking about the awkwardness of Robin dating Jim Florentine. Gary asked if it was going to be awkward if they broke up and Jim was coming in for an interview. Artie said that they'll be picking at Jim like a jackal if they find out that he banged Robin. They spent a couple of minutes talking about that subject that day.
Howard asked Robin what might happen if Robin and Jim did sleep together. She apparently made a face when Howard mentioned that and he figures that means that she's never going to do that. She said she gives that face whenever Howard brings it up. She said that she hopes that no one would ever get banned from the show or anything like that. Howard said that Jimmy is a guest on the show and it's not the same as having someone like Artie's ex-girlfriend Dana come in.
Artie said he's had people ask him if he thinks that Jim is going out with Robin to be more famous. He said that Jim isn't like that and he's not looking for something like that. He's different, he's not a ''Hollywood'' guy.
Howard said he thinks that Robin could stop Jim from coming back on the show if they had a bad breakup or something. Robin said that she tries to explain things like that to anyone involved because you never know how things are working out. Robin said that she would announce it there if she didn't want him on the show. Howard wondered what he'd have to do to get banned from the show. She wasn't sure so Howard threw out some hypothetical situations. He said that maybe if Jim cheated on her or something. Or maybe Jim has a bad smell about him that she doesn't like and can't handle. Then he calls a couple of times and asks her out and she tries to let him down easy. Then he calls the show to do an appearance. He wondered if Robin would stop him from coming in. She said she wouldn't do that for something like that. She wouldn't be afraid of a confrontation on the show.
Artie said he tuned into the Wrap Up Show last week and heard Benjy talking about something and it was the closets feeling to euphoria he'd ever had. Benjy said that it was a woman who rubbed her finger on his taint, on the outside, during sex and it was a great feeling that lasted for days after.
Howard had some more audio clips from the Wrap Up Show where the guys were talking about Robin dating Jim and Fred says that she's given him some looks lately that make him feel like he's doing something wrong when he does the Jim impression.
Robin said that she's never been on this end of the wall of shit that falls on someone when they're going through something like this. She said she's not used to things like this. Howard asked her if she thinks that she or Jim have stronger feelings for each other. Robin said that they're probably about even at this time. Howard said that sounds very romantic to him.
Howard took a call from Dominic Barbara who said that Robin looked really good on Howard TV last week. He said she was being all coy-like when she was answering questions. He said that Jim has to worry about his career and worry about Robin giving him a second chance.
Robin said that she thinks that Joan Rivers should come in here and kiss Howard's feet because most of the audience at her show seemed to be fans of his. Howard said he heard that Ronnie had admitted to liking stuff up his ass. Richard came in and said that they talked about that one time and Ronnie admitted to liking stuff up his ass. Ronnie came in and asked him what the fuck he was talking about. He said he doesn't remember ever admitting to something like that. Ronnie said he may have had a finger up there but that's it. He didn't remember the count for the number of times it's happened. Will came in and backed up Richard's story and he remembered him saying ''fingers'' not just one finger.
Artie said that this is the greatest thing ever. Howard explained how they have a hot chick hosting on Howard TV each month to talk about what they have coming up. Howard asked her if she just graduated high school. She's in college but going to the College of Staten Island. Artie pulled out his check book and got ready to offer her some money. She said that she was told to hold out for $50,000.
Laura said that she's studying to be a nurse but she's also trying to get into Playboy. She had a tattoo on her back that she got when she was 15 years old. She said that they just asked her how old she was when she came in an she told them that she was 18.
Laura said that she's got a boyfriend right now but she gets hit on by other girls a lot too. She said that she's thought about doing stuff with girls but all she's done is make out with other girls. She said she's felt their breasts too but nothing else. She said it wasn't so horrible. She lost her virginity at 15.
Howard asked Laura how she got such a good body. She said she used to do gymnastics and stuff. Artie said that he's right on the verge of getting on a diet and losing weight. He said that he should look incredible in about a month so he told her to get in on it early.
Howard found out that Laura used to be a cheerleader so Howard asked her what her favorite cheer was. She said she didn't remember any of the cheers. Howard asked what kind of cheerleader she was if she can't remember them. She said she could show the guys how she can put her leg behind her head while standing there. She did that quickly after Artie asked if she needed a spotter.
Howard asked to meet this manager she was with. Howard asked Maria, the manager, about what she does for this girl. She said that she started getting her modeling work after she contacted her through her web site. She helps her get work doing stuff for catalogs and stuff like that. She's also trying to get her into Playboy as well. They're flying her out to L.A. To do some test shots. Artie said that he just did a Playboy shoot for an article that's coming out in Playboy soon.
Howard asked who the other chick was with Maria. She's Maria's sister Laura (another Laura). Howard spent a few seconds talking to her. Artie bragged about his upcoming article in Playboy and said it should be a huge spread in the January issue of the magazine.
Gary told Howard about the stuff that Artie has been doing and how he's got a commercial on TV now for the big comedy show he's doing. None of this was working on the girls though. Howard let them go a short time later and told Artie that he really should lose weight already so the girls will find him attractive again. Artie said that he really should.
Artie said that there was a solid B-list celebrity at the roast the other night and got his number. He said that the guy told him that he felt he was looking at a different person and told him that he was worried about him being in this condition he's in. That guy is going to a fat camp at the end of December and he was begging him to go with him. This guy said he thinks that he needs professional help. Artie said the guy wants to remain anonymous so he can't say who it was.
Artie said he has considered getting some help and he might just go through with it and go to this thing. Howard wondered who this was an asked if it was Jackie Mason or someone like that. Artie said he really can't say. He said this guy listens to the show and knows how they do stuff there. Artie said that he'll keep them informed about it.
Howard had Jon Hein come in with his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon said they'll be talking about Crazy Alice's visit today. They'll also be talking about Robin and Jim Florentine's relationship discussion they had earlier. They'll have a couple of other things as well.
Howard had Robin start her news after Fred played Mike Morse's ''Bonin' Robin Quivers'' song parody. She was about to start her news but Howard took a call from a guy who asked Artie if he thinks that Teddy has gotten that hot chick's number yet. Artie said he doesn't bug people who work with them so he won't try to get her number.
Robin started her news with a story about Bill Maher helping eject a heckler from his audience one night. Artie said that he'd love to see someone beat the shit out of Maher. He went off on him being such an arrogant guy. Howard played some audio from the show where Maher went out to the audience to help kick a guy out and then a woman starts in on him and he threatens to kick her out too. There were a bunch of people in the audience booing him over some of the stuff he was saying.
Howard said that was the best thing that could have happened to that show. He said he was snoozing before that part came up. Artie said that he actually loves Maher and thinks that he had every right to kick that guy out of there. Howard said he used to have hecklers when they did shows at Club Bene and he used to have them kicked out because he's no comedian that has a comeback.
The guys spent some time talking about hecklers and then Howard went to break. During the break he said he had someone on the phone who said that there may be nude pictures of Miss Howard TV out there. Howard said that wouldn't be surprising because she does want to be in Playboy. After the commercial Howard got the guy on the phone who claimed to know that there are naked pictures of Laura out there. Howard asked the guys to bring Laura back in. She claims that it wasn't her that this guy was talking about. The guy had said that there were pictures of a high school girl naked that were making the rounds.
Howard asked Laura who she's dating. She said that he's actually still in school. Howard said that she's like a pedophile. He asked her if there are any nude pictures floating around out there. She said ''I hope not...'' Howard let her go after that and told Artie that if he had her, he'd have no problems anymore. Artie said that would be true for maybe a few minutes. All of his problems would be gone for that few minutes.
Robin brought up Joe Torre and how he's leaving the Yankees. Artie had a few things to say about that. He said that they have to hire someone in the Yankee family to take over for him, otherwise the person will get booed off the field.
Robin read through some more stories and got to one story about Anna Nicole Smith and Howard K. Stern. Artie had seen some coverage of that story and told Robin and Howard about this 9 year old girl who had seen Howard K. Stern give Anna a pill that just about knocked her out and made her incoherent.
Robin read through some more stories and talked about some people who are thinking of running for President. The guys spent some time on that subject. Robin finished up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:00am.
Howard started off the show saying he had a lot to get to today and then tried to go to a phone call. The guy wasn't there so Howard read a story in the news about a guy who was being sued a woman who he'd banged when she was 16. It turns out the woman was actually a dude. Howard read through the article where it says that she had engaged in bizarre sexual acts at the age of 16. She has been living as a girl since she was 12 and has had some operations and has been taking hormones to help with the sex change.
The woman is 23 years old now but describes herself as a 17 year old. Howard said that it appears that she's all about lying and maybe she never told this guy that she was underage and a boy. Gary said he doesn't get how a guy could mistake a guy for a girl if she still has a penis. They spent a few minutes talking about the case and wondered how he couldn't know that this girl was actually a boy. Howard said that he's really confused by that story.
Howard read something about Imus in the paper too and said that he looks like he may have gotten that face of his pulled back a bit or something. He was also reading a story about Halle Berry being on the Tonight Show and holding up a picture of herself that had been stretched out in one of those editing programs and she showed it on the show saying that her friends think that this one picture makes her look like a Jewish cousin. They ended up editing out the comment from the show after she had second thoughts on her dopey comment. Howard read that Halle was in tears after making those comments. He said that seems to be her thing these days.
Howard played some audio from Dancing with the Stars where Marie passes out. She was breathing really heavy as the host of the show was talking to her and all of a sudden she just tumbles to the floor. They quickly go to commercial break when that happens. Howard said that her eyes fluttered into the back of her head and then she just passes out. The Howard TV guys put the video up on the monitors but Howard asked them not to do that without telling him they're going to do that stuff.
Howard said that he thought Marie had died so he and Beth rewound the clip 3 times to watch it. He then played the audio of her coming back after the commercial break and explaining what had happened. She was joking about how she really was ''sleeping beauty.'' She said that this kind of stuff happens to her when she stops breathing.
Howard explained how Marie had been jumping up and down after her dance like she was some kind of athlete. He thinks that's what did her in.
Howard took a call from a guy who talked about one of the hot chicks on Dancing with the Stars. Howard said that he wouldn't blame her dancing partner for cheating on his wife to sleep with her. The caller told Artie he has to check out the show, it'll give him motivation to rub one out. Artie told him he doesn't need much motivation. The caller was also saying that he loved Crazy Alice on the show yesterday. He thought she was great on the show and Robin said she was great on the Wrap Up Show too.
Howard took another call from a guy who thought that Alice was great on the show too. He said that he was watching High Pitch Eric on Howard TV and thought that show was pretty disgusting when he was having the edible panties eaten off of him.
Another caller said that Alice has moved ahead of the other wack packers on his list of favorites. Howard said that she was on the Wack Pack Town Meeting last night and he'll be playing some clips of that. Another caller told Howard about how they're on fire out there in California. There are a lot of homes in Malibu that are at risk of being burned. Howard said that he has some friends out there and it shows that everyone is at risk when it comes to stuff like that.
A caller said that his morning was ruined this morning after he heard them talking about that man/woman earlier. He said he had beat off to her a couple of weeks ago and now he finds out she's a dude.
Howard played some clips from The Wrap up Show where Alice was talking about some people who she doesn't respect on the show. She was saying that Eric the
Actor Midget doesn't respect the show. She also went off on High Pitch Eric a little bit about his disrespect for the show. Alice also said that she thinks that Artie takes the show for granted and told him he shouldn't sleep on the show the way he does.
Howard said Alice is right about Artie falling asleep and it really is disrespectful to do something like that on the show. He said that Alice makes some really good points. He played another clip where Alice talks about wanting to go to the Empire State Building. Artie offered to bring her up there either today or tomorrow. Gary told him that it'll cost them about $50 each to go up there with an express ticket.
Artie wants to bring her over to the Yankee store too but the merchandise in there is really expensive. She wants a Yankees jersey over there and Howard said they cost about $350! Howard said that you pay that much to walk around looking like an idiot. He asked ''Who wants to walk around in a Yankees jersey?'' and Artie said that he used to have one.
Howard was going to play a clip where they were talking about how Robin would probably go out with Gregg Karmel from Howard TV. Howard said that she would but Robin said she absolutely would not go out on a date with him. Howard insisted that she would go on a date with him and she's just saying that she wouldn't.
Howard said he was reading about the enemas that Robin takes and how a woman down in Texas had given her husband a Sherry enema that killed him. He had a blood alcohol level of .47 percent. They weren't sure if she had done it on purpose or not but they're apparently not charging her with anything.
Howard played another clip from the Wrap Up Show where he talks about why he doesn't smoke pot. He doesn't want to change his personality by doing that so he avoids drugs all together. He has no problem getting smashed while drinking though. Richard said he's afraid that if he took acid he'd lose his ability to come up with jokes and stuff.
Howard said that Beth told him that she was going to take a bath so he played some more chess and the same thing happened this time that happened last. She called him from the other room and he said he was playing chess. He didn't think that they were having a sex thing going on though. He said that they were really tired after watching TV and just went to sleep last night.
Howard said Beth told him this morning that she had a sexy piece of lingerie on last night but took it off because he was playing chess. He said that he had no idea that she was doing something like that and didn't know that she wanted him last night. She's going away for two days and just told him this when he was leaving this morning. He said he got pissed when he heard that and said he asked her what the fuck she's doing. Robin told Howard this is why what he did last week was so wrong. She told him not to tell him that he's playing a chess game. She told him that he should tell her that he's waiting for her.
Artie told Howard that he's still paying for what happened last week. Beth is probably just trying to play mind games with him. Fred said that he's with Artie on that one. He said it's like she wants him to read her mind or something.
Howard said that Beth goes to do stuff on her own a bunch of times a day and he uses that time to do his own thing. He said he was playing a few chess games and didn't even play against a live person. He played against the computer so he could bail out after her bath so they could watch TV. He said that she asks him what he's doing after she does her thing and he doesn't know if she's looking for sex or something.
Howard said that he finished up his chess game and she had her pajamas on. They watched some TV and even brought in a rubber just in case they were going to do it. They both said they were too tired to do anything last night though so they never did. He said that she told him about the sexy lingerie this morning and wondered why she'd tell him that. He wondered what he had done wrong and how he was supposed to know that she was in that lingerie. He said he's not a mind reader. Fred said that Howard was wrong last week but this week he's right. He said that the only thing he could have done was ask Beth if they were planning to fuck. Robin said that Howard is wrong and he should have dropped the game and gone right into the room where Beth was calling him from.
Howard said that he has a way of walking in and putting his penis on Beth's chair and she tells him that she's busy and doesn't want to do it then. Robin said that last week is still happening for Beth so that's one problem. Artie agreed with that and thinks that she's right. Fred said that this is all a game and that was a test to see if Howard had learned his lesson from last week. Robin didn't think that was the case. She thinks that Beth was hurt last week and testing the waters again with Howard before she appears in the lingerie.
The caller asked Howard about the movie premieres that Beth goes to without him and wondered if she ever goes with people she doesn't tell him about. Howard said that she always goes with her friend Melissa. He said if she did do something like that, he can play the same game and take some of his female friends out to events. He said that he doesn't want to do anything like that but he can play that game if he has to.
Howard said that his mind is so fucked up that he would have a laundry list of girls he could take to events if Beth feels like she has to start taking guy friends to movie premieres and stuff. Fred said that his wife can have gay male friends but he won't let it happen if they're straight friends. He said he won't let that happen. Howard said that before Fred lets his wife go out with guys, he fucks them first to make sure they're gay. Fred went along with the joke and said that he does that so he can have something on the guys just in case they're not gay.
Jessica Hahn called in and talked to Howard about the lingerie that Beth had on and why he wasn't messing around with her in bed while they were watching TV. Howard said he didn't know, they were just watching TV. He said that she takes baths all the time and it wasn't something that would have clued him into what was going to happen.
Artie said that it's amazing how obsessed he is with chess. He said that was the big story there. Howard explained what he did all day yesterday. He got done with the show and went out for a run so he can try and look okay even with that bird face of his. He said he went to the shrink after that so he can try to get his fucked up head in line. Then he had some meetings after that and they went until 5 o'clock. Then he ate dinner and had another meeting after that. He said he ran to the computer to do some stuff for the show. He tried to play some chess in there too but didn't have time. Artie said that he's not devoting much time to Beth though. Howard said that he and Beth were together at the meeting though.
Howard said he went through a lot of work stuff and didn't even have time to play chess during the day. Jessica told Howard that she and her boyfriend, Ronnie, have a way of letting each other know when they're going to do stuff like this. Howard said that he and Beth also watched their favorite TV show, ''Tell Me You Love Me'' before he got in a chess game. Robin pointed out that Howard said that every time they watch that show they bang. Howard said that she's just being a ball buster today. He doesn't want to talk about this stuff.
Howard said that he didn't really get pissed about the whole thing. He doesn't know what he's supposed to do while she's in the bathtub, just sit there? He said he was trying to do some stuff before she came out. He didn't even stay on that long after she came out of the bath. He told Robin she's no help in all of this. She told him that he's missing a lot of signals from Beth.
Robin told Howard that when he starts with a girl, they're his chess game. He said he's not that obsessed with chess. He said that he and Beth are suctioned to each other 24 hours a day during the weekends. They go out to romantic dinners and walk in the park together, stuff like that. He said that he's her number 1 and she's his number 1 thing. He said that he's not going to be a boring guy with no interests.
Howard said he doesn't want to talk about this anymore. He'd rather talk about Marie Osmond passing out or about Artie's Subutex. Howard wondered what would happen if he did take one. Artie said he'd probably get a little high. He said that he might have to give it a try. Artie said he can't legally give him one on the air. Howard said he can't really take one because it wasn't prescribed for him. He figured he'd go into cardiac arrest if he did take one. He's really paranoid about letting stuff like that get into his blood.
Artie talked about his Subutex use and how he doesn't think that he's addicted to it because he doesn't have to take it every day. He said that he does have to use it in high stress situations though. He took some before he went to the Pat Cooper roast last week. He said it blocks the withdrawal effects of heroin and can stop his craving for the stuff too. Artie said that the stuff was amazing when he took it for the first time when he was trying to get off of heroin. He said that you just ache when you're getting off the stuff and this pill took all of that away.
Artie said that he's addicted to watching withdrawal scenes in movies. He showed Howard his pill bottle that was for a month and he hadn't even used half of it yet. Howard laughed an congratulated him on that.
Howard took a call from Wheels who said that he wants to hear Beth's side of the story. He said that Howard twisted that story around last week so he'd love to hear her side this time. Wheels was also asking about the other TV shows that Howard watches like The Bachelor and Heroes. They spent a minute on that.
Bobo asked Howard if he's supposed to just sit there with his hands folded waiting for Beth to come out of the bathroom. Howard said he's learned his lesson and he knows he would give up on the chess if she came in naked or something.
Another caller told Howard that Beth has to give him a break with this stuff. That led to them saying that even President Clinton found time to bang chicks when he was working. That led to Artie talking about how some ex-interns came by yesterday when he was hanging out there and he was wondering if he could date the hot chicks since they don't work there anymore. He said he had to check the rule book on that one.
Howard said he knows that he's going to have to beat off tonight and he'll be watching porn to do that. He said it's kind of sad that he has to do that. Benjy asked Howard if he has any idea what was going through Beth's head last night. Howard said he knows nothing and has realized that he knows jack shit about everything. He said he doesn't have any answers. He said that it's true wisdom when you realize you don't really know anything. No one wants to listen to him no matter how much he talks.
Robin told Howard that all of the stuff he has to tell people would only make his world better, not everyone else's. Howard said that it would be a utopia if people just listened to what he has to say. He said he had to go to break but played the new song parody ''Food Masturbator'' which was about Robin. He said he was singing that all day long yesterday. Robin said she gets that Red Peters song ''You Can't Say These Things'' stuck in her head.
Howard played a new High Pitch Eric song parody where he's covering Britney Spears' latest song. He mentioned that Nick Manning, the ''Dropping Loads'' guy, will be on the show tomorrow. He played a song parody that they created using some of his clips. Fred also played Red Peters' ''You Can't Say These Things'' song after that. Artie said he remembers seeing Red reading his sleeves at the film festival when he was performing that song. Howard said he remembers trying to play that song on regular radio with all of the words bleeped and they couldn't even play that because it was too explicit.
Howard said it really was funny that Red came out to sing that song and had the lyrics written on his sleeve. Artie said that he remembers being back stage with Red and Red having a look of terror on his face before he went out on stage. Howard said he could have gotten him a teleprompter if he had asked for one. He said it worked out though even though everyone knew he was reading the lyrics off his sleeve. They went to commercial a short time after that.
Artie told Lisa that she might have a story there about the vending machine being broken. He said he tried to get some cookies out of the machine and it wouldn't take his dollar. Gary said there's another machine upstairs and he'd send someone up there to get that. Gary knows which cookies Artie wants. He likes the little Linden's ''chocolate chippers'' that they have in the machine.
Lisa said that Crazy Alice spent her Sunday with High Pitch Mike on Sunday and they almost went over to Ground Zero but Alice had a breakdown and couldn't make it there. Lisa said they have a story about The Iron Sheik and something that happened to him at a comedy show. Sheik was shaking hands with the crowd when a guy pulled him forward and then let him go flying backwards. Sheik spent 10 minutes yelling at the crowd after that until the guy was taken out of the venue.
Howard asked Don how he got struck the second time. don said he and his friends were in a shed during a storm and all of a sudden he got struck again. They were in a wooden shed and he's not sure how it happened. He said that the lighting went right up his ass. He said that it came right up through the floor and there was apparently a nail in the bench that it traveled through. The lightning burned the hair off his balls when it went up through his ass. He said that the zipper was burned right out of his pants.
Don was crippled by the first strike and he claims that's because they didn't move him fast enough. He said that this second time he knew that he had to start moving around as soon as possible. He had a problem getting an erection for a couple of months after the second strike. He said that no one knows why that is though. He said that it basically drains the sap out of you when you get hit.
don said that when you get struck you see a tunnel of light and then you die for a short time. He said he can't tell Howard if there's any religious meaning to it though. Howard read that Don is 6 feet tall and weighs 330 pounds. He said that he must ask himself why he gets struck by lighting and doesn't hit the lottery or something. Don said that the lightning strike left marks on his body after the hit. He said he really doesn't have any pain from it though.
Don said that he has no problem getting it up these days. He said he beat the shit out of it the other night and had no problem. Howard took a call from a guy who said that lightning actually travels from the ground up and that's why it traveled up through the shed he was in. Don said that he's not sure about that, he was told it has to hit the ground first.
Don had been married at one time so Robin asked him what was worse, being married or getting struck by lightning. Don joked that it was the marriage but then said that his wife was actually a great person and he didn't think that way at all.
Howard asked Don if it hurts when he wipes. He said it didn't leave him in any pain. He has no problems with that stuff at all. Howard said that's what it's like to be struck by lightning. Don said there were no nude women in the round ray of light he saw so Howard wouldn't like being struck.
Artie told Don that he should celebrate that day he got struck, July 27th, every year. Don said that he should. Howard took a call from a guy who said that some people get struck and get killed, he seemed to find it hard to believe that this guy had survived two hits. Don said that maybe his heart was stronger or something.
Don said that he wishes that he were in the studio today because he's a fan of the show. He hasn't been able to listen because he has XM radio. He said that he should get rid of it but he likes having it for baseball. Howard said that's what the merger will be good for, they'll have baseball on the service for both XM and SIRIUS.
A caller asked Artie to stop eating so much. Howard said that Artie is going away to fat camp and one person thought that it was Colin Quinn who wanted to take him away. Artie said that's not true though.
Howard said that last night he had a Wack Pack Town Hall show and Benjy was going to be the host of the show but they messed with everyone and told them that Benjy wasn't going to be able to make it there so one of the wack pack would have to host. They had Fred the Elephant Boy, Crazy Alice, Jeff the Vomit Guy and John the Stutterer. Benjy told them all that he couldn't make it and one of them had to take over. Benjy told them to make something up and cover for him so he doesn't get in trouble with Howard.
Howard asked who they thought was going to take control of the show. Robin guessed it was Elephant Boy and she was right. Howard played more of the show where Elephant Boy came on and explained what was going on with the show. Elephant Boy took right over and asked the rest of the guys some questions. He was pretty much unintelligible. Howard said the funny thing is that the guy is so willing to talk when you can't even understand what he's saying.
Howard played a clip where John the Stutterer was going off on Ann Coulter. Howard said that he and Benjy were working on the show and thought that it might just be a 30 minute show but Tim Sabean wanted it to be a full hour so they could fill up that time.
Howard had Elephant Boy on the phone so he asked him how he liked doing that show. Elephant Boy said something about having fun with it but no one knew what he was saying. Howard said he loves the prank call they had of Elephant Boy calling a taffy store and telling them that he now sounds like a dope after eating their taffy. He played the call and got a few laughs from that.
Howard got back to Elephant Boy and said that the show seemed to work out last night. Elephant Boy said that the panel all got behind him and he told Benjy that was a mean joke to play on him. He said that Benjy walked in for one minute at the end of the show. He thanked Howard for the opportunity though. Benjy said the SIRIUS people told him that he actually did a good job hosting. Other than the fact that you can't understand what he's saying, he did a great job.
Howard played another clip where John the Stutterer went off on a caller yelling at the guy about his political views. Howard asked if there were any other stellar clips to play. JD said that Miss Howard Stern called in at one point and said she'd puke on Jeff Levy the vomit guy. Howard played that clip but Benjy wondered if it was really her. He said that Sour Shoes had called in a few times and his voices were so good that it could have been him. It sounded very much like Andrea though. The guys thought that it sounded like her but she was too coherent to actually be Andrea.
Howard said that show sounded good and they may have to do it again. Gary said that some of the guys thought that it sounded more like Miss Black Howard Stern than Andrea Miss Howard Stern. Howard thought it sounded like Miss Black Howard Stern too but they kept calling her Andrea on the show.
Howard said that they could do the show again with some different Wack Packers. Robin said that Double A must be slitting his writs knowing that Elephant Boy may be getting his own show. She gave one of her evil laughs when she said that.
Howard had to go to break but started to talk about the statement they got from Ellen Degeneres' camp about this dog adoption thing. Gary thought Howard was getting into it so he started to talk about the statement. Howard cut him off and played a couple of Baba Booey song parodies to goof on him for screwing up once again. Sal was dancing around in Gary's office as that was going on so everyone was laughing. Gary said that if his wife didn't sleep with him he'd probably be doing the same thing. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard said they're looking for some people for the Hottest Chick, Smallest Boobs contest. He said that they're looking for women who are at least 18, or maybe 21, Howard didn't know. He said that the contest is sponsored by TheBestPorn.com.
Michael told Garver that he had been to the studio but Howard didn't realize that. Gary came in and told Howard that Scott Greenstein gave Michael Douglas a tour of the studio one day and actually didn't bother introducing him to Sal and Richard who were there doing some work. He saw them and just told Michael that they do some work in that room. That led to Artie doing an impression of Scott Greenstein giving the tour and telling Michael about who those guys were. Gary said that Scott may have gone as far as to close the door. He said they just quickly went by their studio as if to make sure Michael didn't see the two of them. Artie pointed out all of Sal and Richard's flaws.
Howard got back to the Michael Douglas interview. Garver was about to ask questions but Douglas excused himself and made his getaway before the questions came. Garver found him later on and tried to question him again. Garver asked what the right amount of money is to give to a begger. Douglas tried to avoid answering the questions and gave very simple answers for the rest of the questions. Garver asked who the biggest asshole in Hollywood is. Michael asked him if he lives in the area. Garver kept asking questions even though Michael was trying to make his getaway. He told Gary he was done and said that he wanted to talk about the event. He wondered if Howard gives money to chartable causes.
Michael said that if Howard donated some money to this charity, maybe he'd talk to him more. Howard said that guy seems a little uptight. Gary said that Garver was like a little gnat flying around Michael. Garver went over and found Kirk Douglas and started to interview him. Then Michael saw that going on and came over to put a stop to that.
Garver was talking to Kirk and Kirk asked him about the two microphones he was holding. Garver asked him some questions about politics and the Dahli Lama. Kirk's speech is pretty messed up from his stroke so it was hard to understand. Michael came running over and stopped the interview and said he wasn't going to give them any time if they weren't going to donate money to the charity. Gary said that it's called Friendly House but he wasn't sure what they do. Howard said he might have to donate but he'd like to know what it's about. He usually gives to charities that he knows.
Benjy tried to look up the charity but he wasn't able to find it. Fred said that he thinks it might be a drug treatment charity. He found something on the web and read it to Howard. Howard said that maybe he should give something to them.
Howard said that Kirk was giving them a great interview there and Michael came by and ruined it. Artie did an impression of Kirk slurring his words and then Howard played a Jack and Rod show that Sal and Richard had done with Crackhead Bob pretending to be Kirk Douglas. The guys got some laughs from that. Howard cut it off but Robin wanted to hear more of it because the guy on the phone gets pissed at what Bob is saying to him and his wife.
Howard said that the only other celebrity that would talk to them at this charity event was Eva Marie Saint. He said that as soon as she finds out who Garver is, she runs off. He played the interview and you hear her telling Gary how much she likes curly hair like his. Garver asks her if Carey Grant was full of himself. She answered that question and then he asked her a question about Alfred Hitchcock coming on to her and she asked him where he was from. He broke the news that he was from Howard's show and she ran off saying that she doesn't care for him.
Howard said that he'd like to say to Ellen that he thinks that she believes that she can have a dog and the reality of it hits her and she ends up giving them up to other people. He thinks that she is living a fantasy life where she thinks that having a dog would make her life complete but then the reality hits and she can't care for it so she releases it to anyone who she can pawn it off on. Then some time goes by and she adopts another one.
Gary suggested that maybe she finds a dog that's about to be put to sleep and she saves it. Howard said that's not what's happening though. Jason came in and told Howard that she's almost becoming her own foster home but you can't just call yourself a foster home and do it yourself. It takes a lot of time and paperwork to do something like that.
Howard said he brought all of this up and hoped that the mainstream media would pick up on the story, and they have. Gary said that he loves this publicist because she represents Tobey Maguire as well. He didn't want to cause any problems. Howard said he'd like to talk to Ellen on the show about this but Gary said that there's no one else out there who talks about her like this. Howard is the only one who will tell her that she can't handle a dog and she can barely handle her own life. He said that she's got a problem and she needs to seek out guidance. Howard said that Portia can't tell Ellen this stuff, she'd get kicked right out of Ellen's life and Ellen would go find another ''vagine.''
Howard said he thinks it's funny that Hate Man is sitting home and watching that show. He's got the same viewing habits that Howard does. Artie wondered where that guy disappeared to for the longest time. He didn't call in for a long time so he wondered if he had gone to jail or something.
Ralph called in and asked Howard when he became such a dog nut and worrying about what Ellen is doing with these dogs. He also said that he doesn't get this Joe Torre thing either. They spent a few minutes on the Joe Torre thing and then talked about the Ellen thing. Ralph doesn't see what the big deal is but Howard said that the problem is that Ellen doesn't know that she has a problem. He said he'd love to see her place every dog that doesn't have a home, but she's not going about it the right way. He said that would be like him going to a restaurant and ordering the same food day after day even if he hated it. Ralph said that's not a fair comparison and Ellen is trying different ''foods'' and not the same thing. Howard said that it's the same food and hung up on Ralph.
Howard played another Hate Man voice mail where he goes off on Robin. He said that Robin's pussy is steaming and he's got the best cock in town. He said she doesn't want Florentine, he's just after her for her money. He said that Robin will always be his Aunt Jemima whore. He talks about sticking his cock in her hot cunt. Howard said that guy is really creepy. He repeated himself over and over again about wanting to pound her in the cunt and stuff like that.
Howard said that Gilbert Gottfried was there so he had to get to him. He had to take a break first but Robin was reading some stuff about Marie Osmond and she's thinking that she might be getting booted off the show tonight. They don't show her much in the pictures from the show.
Sal came in with the Gary Puppet like it was some big surprise or something. Sal said that they had given him new shoes and washed him up but there wasn't anything that new about it. Gary said that Doug was making a big deal out of it like they had done something to him but it was the same puppet. Howard said that Doug is out of his mind. He told them to display the two of them on the shelf in the studio.
Eric said that he met this girl online and Johnny Fratto helped him get a date with her. She's moving out to California and she's going to be his girlfriend. Howard said that he hasn't had sex with him yet or anything but Eric claims that she has agreed to have sex with him. Howard said that this is kind of interesting but he'd lost Johnny Fratto.
Eric said that because this took so long today, he's not going to read his book Dougie the Puggie tomorrow like he was supposed to. Howard told Eric he didn't care about that but he said he would talk to Eric and Johnny about this Christine chick tomorrow. He said they have to set up the call but Eric told him that they refuse to give them her phone number. Howard said he feels bad for Eric because it sounds like he's being played by this chick. Robin said that he'll probably never have sex with this woman. Eric said that if he does have sex with this woman then Robin has to quit. Robin said that she'll do that.
Ralph told Eric that he should tell this chick who the man is in the relationship and tell her to stay on the phone. Eric told Ralph to go get that berry removed from his face. Artie told Eric that he should tell his chick who wears the PJ Pants in that house.
Howard said that Eric can't be calling this girl his girlfriend when he hasn't even gone out with her yet. Howard told him that it's pathetic to do this. He wondered if Diana Degarmo is going to be upset when she finds out about this. Eric said that he has seen this Christine's DD breasts on cam. He said he saw her in a chat room called **SmackyShack** on Stickam.com.
Ralph said that Eric can't even take his eyes off the computer when he's talking on the phone. Eric was watching the chat room that he was in and using their jokes to goof on Ralph. Howard took a call from this Christine chick (Richard) who said that she'd never fuck that troll Eric. Howard said that she's admitting that she'd never do him. Eric knew that it was Richard and he feels that they think that he's mentally retarded or something when they do this to him.
Howard told Eric to produce the real Christine if that wasn't the real one. He told Eric that he's going to look into this Christine chick and find out if she's the real thing or not. Eric said that this has been going on for over a week now and he really feels that he can call her his girlfriend. Eric said that he's almost in love with her and he's ''getting there'' with her. Howard thanked Eric for the call but Eric said that he won't be reading ''Dougie'' tomorrow. He said that they didn't earn it because they're all jackasses. Howard said he was a little excited about the Dougie thing but he'll get over it.
Gilbert came in and Howard asked him if he would do Dancing with the Stars if they asked him to. Gilbert said he ''kind of'' doubts it. Howard told him that they pay like $50,000 to do it though. Gilbert said in that case he might have to do it.
Howard brought up the Pat Cooper roast since Gilbert was at that. They talked about how it went for 3 hours but Gilbert said that's short for one of those Friar's Club roasts. Gilbert closes the show according to Artie and he always kills. Howard heard that Gilbert didn't even mention Pat cooper in the roast. He just told dirty jokes. He wondered if Gilbert is too lazy to do that. Gilbert said he didn't even look over at Pat during the roast. He didn't tell any jokes about him and didn't look at him.
Howard asked Gilbert to tell some of the jokes that he told at the roast. Gilbert said they're on his DVD. Howard told him to tell some of them and maybe people will buy that DVD finally. Gilbert told some of the jokes that had nothing to do with Pat Cooper at all. He didn't even try to change the jokes to fit Pat in them. Artie knew some of the jokes and told Gilbert which ones to tell. Gilbert was trying to tell some jokes but he was laughing at himself. Howard wanted to hear the jokes that he had but Gilbert was laughing his ass off.
Gilbert told the joke which was about an armless and legless woman next to the ocean. He says that the woman is laying there crying, a guy comes up to her and asks her what's wrong. She says she's never been kissed so the guy kisses her and walks away. She cries twice as heard, the guy returns and asks what's wrong. She says that she's never been fucked so the guy picks her up and throws her in the water saying ''You're fucked now!''
Howard tried to find out why the woman was armless and legless and Artie told him that people will actually do that at comedy shows and ask questions about the jokes. Howard had him tell a couple more and then let Gilbert get in a plug for his web site GilbertGottfried.com.
Howard tried to get Gilbert to tell some more jokes by asking him if he had a favorite. Gilbert said he didn't but Howard was just trying to nudge them out of him so he could get in some more of his dirty jokes. Gilbert said that he's not sure how people come up with those jokes and he just memorizes them, he doesn't come up with his own.
Howard asked Gilbert if he looks at someone from Last Comic Standing as a real musician might look at someone from American Idol. Gilbert said that Last Comic Standing ends careers before they began. Howard said that this Carrie Underwood is breaking all kinds of records selling records and musicians who have been working hard for years, like Faith Hill, get upset when she wins a Grammy. They were talking about this one woman who was at the roast and ended up bombing. They said that she may have been from Last Comic Standing and she was going to prove that the show is legitimate by killing. That didn't work out for her. Howard said that woman probably confirmed that not everyone can be a comedian.
Gilbert had a story about bombing himself. He did a corporate event down in South Carolina. He was told he had to work clean at the event and he agreed to do that. He was also told that he couldn't do any Christian jokes so he opened up with some crucifiction jokes. Gilbert said he refuses to get off stage so some guy came up and pulled him off stage. This just happened a few months ago. He said that everyone was just staring at each other angrily when this guy comes storming up on stage and drags him off.
Gilbert said there may have been people laughing at him at first but it quickly went downhill. He said that he yelled out that they had been a great crowd as this guy was dragging him off stage. He said that he did another corporate gig one time and he was so embarrassed that he snuck out by climbing over the hedge at the outdoor event.
Gary came in and said that when Gilbert is told what to do, he gets really angry. He did a gig opening up for Belinda Carlisle and used the word cunt about 90 times. Gilbert said he remembers seeing women clapping their hands over their young daughter's ears as he was doing his material. Howard said that's kind of rude to do something like that at an event like that. Gilbert said that his agent is actually surprised when people don't ask for their money back after he does stuff like this.
Howard asked Gilbert about doing a movie where he plays a duck. Gilbert said that it's a family DVD that's coming out next year and he's actually appearing in a duck outfit instead of being animated.
Howard got back to the Pat Cooper Roast and asked about this woman who bombed. Artie said that she went on about 3 hours into the roast and people were going to the bathroom while she was doing her thing. Artie said that it was an hour of no laughs and she refused to get off stage. Gilbert said it was like wind in the background and didn't hear much of anything.
Howard gave Gilbert a plug for his upcoming Caroline's appearance on November 2nd. Then he took some phone calls. One guy said he was at a show one time and Gilbert had two tables in the club and one of the couples was a black couple. Gilbert did some black jokes and chased them out of the room. Gilbert said that he thinks that he's actually done some rooms where they have him go on stage to clear the room so they can close up early.
Gilbert was doing his Seinfeld impression and goofing on the way Seinfeld talks about doing stand-up comedy because he loves doing it so much. Howard said that most guys are doing anything they can so they don't have to do that while Jerry is saying he has to keep doing it because he loves it so much. He said that it's like rubbing it in the face of all of the comedians out there.
Gilbert talked about Seinfeld appearing on Oprah's show and plugging his ''Bee Movie'' for the whole show. It was like an hour long commercial. They talked about how much control Oprah has over her audience. Gilbert said she's like Charles Manson with her audience and she could probably tell people to go out and kill and they would.
Howard said that he saw this movie ''30 Days of Night'' where the vampires move up to Alaska where they have 30 days of night. He said that he was thinking about Gilbert when he saw that because Bela Lugosi was such a dope he never thought about doing something like that.
Howard had some clips from Oprah's show where she and Jerry Seinfeld were making each other laugh. Oprah had Jerry tell some stories that she had already heard and gave a phony laugh when she heard the story again. Howard wondered what the fuck Oprah and her audience were laughing at during that story that Jerry was telling about going out to dinner with Steven Spielberg.
Howard asked Gilbert if he was ever asked to be on Oprah. Gilbert said he never has and he can't imagine he ever would be. He then told a joke about Oprah that he knew. The joke was about Oprah going to a doctor and the doctor has her get naked and crawling all over his office. She asks him why he was doing that and the doctor says he had just ordered a black leather couch and was trying to figure out where to put it.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said that Gilbert just isn't funny when he's on the show. Artie said the guy had to be kidding, he thinks that Gilbert is funny. Howard apologized to the guy and said that Gilbert is kind of funny to him. The caller said that Gilbert is very mundane and boring to him.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that Gilbert is 10 times funnier than Seinfeld is. He told a story he heard about Seinfeld that didn't go anywhere. Artie said he tells a story like Seinfeld tells a story on Oprah.
Artie told a story about bombing at a charity event he did. He told him the story about going to this Prada Willie charity where they have kids who don't have the ability to stop eating. Gilbert was laughing his ass off before he even got into the story. Artie told him about some of the kids they had at the event and that made Gilbert laugh his ass off. He said that he got up on stage and said that he was so full from eating at the carving station and ended up getting kicked out of the event.
Howard played some Gilbert song parodies and prank calls that the guys have made using his audio clips. He played one where they used Gilbert's Dice Clay impression clips to goof on a guy they called. Gilbert was laughing in the phone call and laughing at himself in the studio. Howard said that Gilbert should have played The Joker in the Batman movies. That's the kind of laugh he should have, that evil, maniacal laugh.
Howard played another prank call the guys made using clips of Gilbert. In that one they had Gilbert doing his impressions and had the guy on the phone really confused. Artie and Gilbert were laughing their asses off hearing that stuff. Howard had to go to break after that. He asked Gilbert if he wanted to stick around or if he had to go home and baby sit. Gilbert joked that he's sooo busy. Howard said he's seen Gilbert in the paper lately and saw him smiling while he was out walking with his wife and kid.
Gilbert said that he's enjoying helping out with the kid but he helps and leaves the room. He said that he's giving his kid some stuff to write a book about in the future. Howard gave him some plugs and then went to break.
Gary said that Howard's may be even worse than Gilbert's. He read through his ratings and he got a bunch of 0s and actually doubled the ''creepy'' one over Gilbert. He said that Howard got a 1 percent on the sexy thing. Howard got 42 percent on the ''kooky and wacky'' thing. Artie said he was kind of surprised by some of those numbers.
Steve said that they have more on Double A's recent drunken driving charge and how he's pled guilty and now has to serve some community service. Howard asked Gilbert about drunk driving but Gilbert doesn't drive. He never learned. His wife has to drive him around. Howard figured that Gilbert was a high school drop out and didn't get driver's ed. Gilbert said that he's stupid on all counts.
Steve mentioned that they gave Howard a shout out on the animated series ''Drawn Together'' on Comedy central when they had the character Baba Louie yelling out ''Baba Booey'' over and over again at one point.
Jon Hein came in and talked about what they'd be discussing on The Wrap Up Show today. They'll be talking about Gary Garver's interviews, the Ellen Degeneres thing, the guy who got struck by lightning, Eric the Midget and Gilbert Gottfried.
Gilbert laughed his ass off through that whole call. Howard said that the woman was confounded that Gilbert makes a living doing that stuff.
Howard asked Gilbert about being married and wondered if he feels good about it all. He broke into his Seinfeld impression and talked about how it's changed his life for the better. Robin brought up Imus in a story and said that it definitely looks like he did something to smooth out his old looking face. That led to Fred doing his Imus impression and throwing out the N-word once as a joke. That set Gilbert off and he was throwing around the N-word quite a bit. Howard told Gilbert to calm down with that but Fred kept egging him on with the Imus impression.
Artie and Gilbert were goofing around a lot during the news. Gilbert calmed down with the N-word but continued to laugh his ass off at jokes that Artie was telling.
Howard took a break in the middle of the news and came back asking Gilbert if he ever does any exercise at all. Gilbert said he doesn't do any type of working out at all. Robin read through some more news stories with Gilbert behaving himself for a few minutes.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked about a bit that Sal and Richard had come up with around this time last year. It was a ''Black People House Of Horror'' bit. Gary had that bit up on Howard's computer so he started to play it but bailed out on it because he really didn't like it.
Robin read through some more news and wrapped up around 10:55am. Howard ended the show a short time later after giving Gilbert some more plugs for his upcoming Caroline's shows and his web site. They were done around 11:00am.
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Howard started off the show singing along to his opening theme song. He kind of trailed off after a few seconds. He went on to talk about how he doesn't even know the lyrics to his own song since he didn't have time to memorize them back when he performed it with Rob Zombie. He performed it with Rob on MTV one time and he had to use a teleprompter to sing along with Rob. He said that performance was cool and he had fun being a rock star for a short time.
Howard said that he was watching Dancing with the Stars last night and thinking about Jennifer Lopez basically begging people to buy her new album. He said that David Letterman did that one time. He was on Letterman's show one time and there was a band on the show that Dave gave him a smirk and pointed at them like they were fools.
Howard said he was watching Jennifer Lopez and thinking that she looked so desperate. He said she can't sing either and she was yelling into the microphone at one point. He said it was really grating to him. He also said he doesn't care if Jennifer Lopez is pregnant like some people think she is. He pointed out how awful it must be for these entertainment reporters to dedicate their lives to worrying about stuff like that.
Howard said that there are all of these shows dedicated to reporting on celebrities. Sometimes they'll even have people on both coasts reporting on the celebrity stories. JD came in a short time later and said he watches those shows all the time and they always ask stupid stuff like ''How's Bruce Willis as a kisser?'' which really annoys him. Howard thanked him for coming in with that nonsense. He said that Gary sent him in with that.
Howard asked Artie if he can really keep track of the key and actually just use it in an emergency. Artie said that he can do that, he's not going to use it if he has a dollar in his pocket. Howard told Artie that he's made it because he doesn't know anyone else who has a key to a vending machine like that. He wondered if it's dangerous because he can see Artie opening up that machine and eating everything in there. His eating is kind of out of control at this point.
Artie said that he'd rather have the key to the heroin bin but this will do. He doesn't think that his eating intake will go up. He said that sometimes the machine just doesn't work and he can't get something out of it. It's just a backup. Howard said he thinks the key will go on the keychain and within a week he'll be opening up the machine every day.
The caller asked Howard if he thinks that some of the song parodies that have been coming in are from Sour Shoes trying to be a normal singer. Howard said he doesn't think that's the case. That led to Artie saying that he got word that the woman who called the Wack Pack Town Hall show as Miss Howard Stern last week was not actually her. It was a woman by the name of Corey. Howard said that's possible and quickly changed back to Artie's vending machine key. He spent a couple more minutes talking about the key and what Artie's going to do with it.
A caller said he couldn't believe that Artie got the key to the machine. He can't believe that he doesn't have 75 cents on him for the machine. Artie said that it's not about the money. There are times that the machine doesn't work and he needs to get inside of it to get his food. He was telling the guys about that and had his mouth full of food.
Howard explained what this story is about and how it reflects Eric's real life in certain ways. The story is about this dog, Dougie the Puggie, who tries to help it's owner meet some celebrities that his owner is a fan of. Howard told Eric he's going to cut him off if he gets tired of it. Eric asked how many paragraphs he can read. Howard asked how many are on the first page. Eric said there are 5. Howard told him to try one paragraph and they'll go on from there.
Eric found the page and read chapter 1 from his book ''Dougie the Puggie'' so he could read it. Eric asked Howard to go with either Eric the Actor or Eric the Writer instead of midget today. Howard did that and called him Eric the Writer. Eric then read that first paragraph with some laughter from the guys in the studio.
Eric uses his own name in the book and he explains how Dougie is going to help him find his wife, which is actually Diana Degarmo. Eric actually read four paragraphs and the guys wanted to hear even more. Eric said he wasn't going to read the whole thing to them even though they wanted to hear it all.
Eric read some more from the book but Howard stopped him for a minute. He didn't want him to give away too much and he wanted to find out what the audience was thinking. One guy said that he'd love to have an audio book version. He said he's got some kids and he'd love to have an audio version for his own car. Another guy told him it was awesome and Eric is a genius.
Howard said that Dougie the Puggie gets Diana Degarmo for his owner but he's wondering how that happens. How does the dog succeed where others have failed. Eric said that would kind of give away too much of the story. He said that they (Eric and Dougie) make their way to where she's at and she looks at the dog tags and she knows where they're from.
Howard took some more calls and one guy said that he can't believe that Eric changed his name to Eric the Writer. Another caller went off on Eric saying that he's a stuttering bastard. Howard cut him off and took a call from publisher Judith Regan (High Pitch Eric) who said that she's not going to publish his book. Eric the Writer told Howard that he's really sick of them putting High Pitch on the phone. High Pitch said that he wasn't High Pitch, he was actually Eric's girlfriend Christine. Howard said he couldn't tell and pretended that he didn't know it was High Pitch.
Howard asked Eric if there's a sex scene between him and Diana in the adult version of the book. Eric said that doesn't happen. Artie said he has a feeling that the adult version of the book is going to be called ''Evidence.'' Howard said he'd like for Howard TV to produce an animated version of this story. Howard had a caller on the line who wanted to produce something himself but he told him that he's got first dibs on the story.
Howard told Eric that he's got a hit on his hands. He took a call from Kevin Lofton who does the animations for their TV show. Kevin was wondering what Dougie looks like and wondered if the dog had Eric's head on a dog's body. Eric said that's not the case. Artie said he shouldn't have Eric's head on the dog but the dog should be an asshole, just like Eric. Eric called Artie a fat ass and goofed on him a little bit after hearing that. Kevin also asked if the dog is good at recognizing voices like Eric is.
A caller told Howard he read the ending of the story and Eric flies with balloons and Diana is so impressed that she fucks him. The caller also said that he flies up to her pussy on the balloons and that's the only way he can reach that far. Howard took another call from a guy who said that the only way that thing is going to be animated is by the courtroom artist that draws him when he's in court.
Howard wrapped up with Eric and thanked him for the call. Eric said he didn't have the final draft, that was actually another version. Eric said that he's going to call in next week and give them an outline of the script that he's working on. He said it's not based on the Dougie thing, it's a crime drama.
Howard ands the guys were talking about Benjy and how nutty he is with everything he does. They were talking about how he's trying to lose weight but he just eats a ton of food. Robin said that Benjy was telling her that he was going to become a vegan unless someone offers him some meat.
A caller told Howard that he was listening to the Dougie the Puggie thing and he wanted to ''yankie his wheelie'' and kill himself out on the PA Turnpike. Another caller had a really loud hissing noise on his phone so Howard and Fred had some fun goofing on him for a few seconds. The caller said that he saw Entertainment Tonight the other night and Beth was interviewed about the Ellen Degeneres thing. Beth said that she supports Ellen. Howard said he saw that and that's Beth's feeling on it. He said that he thinks that Ellen has a problem but Beth doesn't agree. Howard had to let that guy go because he felt he was wasting his time with him.
Howard said that he got there and people were crazy. He went to this VIP area and saw Mel there so he went over and talked to him. He saw his kids and his wife there too. There were people there in the VIP area and they started to converge on him. He said that this one Indian type guy walked over and started yelling out his name as he was talking to Mel. He begged him to take his picture with him so he did that. Then the guy grabs him by the ribs and stuck his fingers in him. He said he wanted to punch the guy in the face when that happened. He's not even sure what the guy was. His friend had problems with the camera and then a woman came up with a tape recorder and started recording his conversation.
Howard said another woman came up and started interviewing him as he was trying to talk to Mel. He said that she was asking him about his favorite vacation spot and he knows that he's told her this stuff before. He said that he was trying to be nice but he had a hard time doing that because he was being grabbed. He said he had to get out of there after that.
Howard said that reporter wouldn't leave him alone and asked him if he's been to a bunch of places and he had to tell her that he hadn't been there and doesn't know anything about it. He said he just had to leave after that. He said he lasted only 7 minutes there.
Howard said he was heading out and saw Smokey Robinson on the escalator. Robin said she was there and saw Larry Holmes. Howard said he thought that was going to be a fancy event but it turned into a nightmare. Howard said the guy digging his fingers into him was out of his mind. He thinks that people like that think that he's there for their enjoyment or something. He said that people are such assholes, especially some of these executives.
Artie said he heard about that last night and couldn't believe that Howard even went to it. Howard said he only went because it was for Mel. Robin said she only lasted about 10 minutes there. She said that it was a huge event and there were so many people there. She said hello to Mel and his family and a few other people and then got out of there. She said she saw Tom Chiusano there. Howard missed Tom but he did see Steve Kingston who they used to work with over at K-Rock.
Howard said he felt like he was Mickey Mouse at Disneyland or something after his experience there. He said he went home, watched Heroes and didn't even beat off. He said he thought he was going to but he fell asleep before he did.
Artie said that he's spoken to that reporter who asks about vacation spots. Howard said she refused to understand that he was being attacked there. Robin said she's had her interview her as well and she was asked about her worst vacation nightmare and when she told her the story, she told her that she'd already heard that one. Robin said she doesn't have anymore stories.
Tim Sabean came in and said that Arbitron has now started doing ratings for satellite and they have 400,000 people that they get feedback from and it's just like any other ratings type of thing. They said that Howard is listened to 4 or 5 to one over the next highest rated channel. Howard said that Tim didn't even seem to know all that much about it and Jon Hein and Brent from Bubba's show might know more.
Howard read that they compared him to Opie and Anthony again in this article but he doesn't get that. He read a story about how they were just dumped by WYSP in Philly. He quickly read that and said that he wishes that they'd stop comparing him to those guys. He said they should just be able to do their thing and leave him out of it.
Robin saw that Artie was shoveling in some food and drink so she asked him what he was eating. Artie was eating a cupcake, because it's Cupcake Wednesday, and drinking some stuff to wash it down. Artie had just eaten a bagel before the cupcake.
A caller asked Howard what kind of ratings Bubba was getting on Howard 101. Howard said they didn't break it down that far so he's not sure. He said that Howard 101 was the number 2 most listened to channel there at SIRIUS. He said that the number three channel was a Country music channel. Howard said he wished that they didn't rate these things because he likes not having that kind of pressure. He said he wishes that Brent would call in so he could talk about this stuff. He seemed to have a lot of information about the ratings.
Howard said that he read that Robert Goulet is having some problems with his lungs and he's awaiting a lung transplant out in California. Robert was on the show a couple of times back when they had the ''Restless Restless'' song contest. Robert Goulet kicked ass singing the song and came in and performed it for them. Howard played some of that performance that Goulet did for the contest. It had a really long intro so Howard had to fast forward through it.
Robin had his web site up and didn't know that it was making noise. She read the story on his web site and said that he's got some kind of lung problem that's usually fatal. Howard said he remembers how his mom used to hate Robert Goulet going on talk shows and punching people in the stomach. He said that he used to do stuff like that all the time when he was really famous.
Howard got off of that when Brent Hatley called in with some ratings information. Brent said that it's interesting that Howard 100 and 101 are bigger than any other talk channels between the two satellite radio companies. He said that it's amazing because SIRIUS has less subscribers than XM does.
Brent broke down some information from Fall 2006 where they say that Howard is number 1 by far. He said that Oprah and Friends had 42,000 listeners while Howard had 1.01 million. Howard has more listeners than any other talk channels on either service, combined. Howard said that makes them all look good. Brent said that he's got more listeners in 4 hours than any of the other talk channels have, combined, in a week! Howard said that does make them look good.
Howard asked Brent if he's got numbers for Bubba's show. Brent said that they did break that down and found that Bubba has over double the listeners than Opie and Anthony do. He went through a few other stats about the show and Bubba is doing very well and beating Opie and Anthony and Raw Dog Comedy, combined.
Howard joked that he heard that Oprah just bought a Sybian for her show. Brent said that it's nuts to pay her $55 million to get 2 listeners. Howard thanked Brent for calling in with that information. He let him go and said he's just glad when he gets e-mail congratulations him because that means it's good news. He went to break a short time later.
Lisa came in with her Howard 100 News preview. She said that they have big news about Scott the Engineer's penis working again after his hernia operation. Howard interrupted and said that Tim was telling him that their morning ratings could be even bigger if they didn't replay the show all day long.
Lisa said that Artie took Crazy Alice to the Yankee store yesterday and let her buy a few things on his dime. Artie said he told Alice that she could buy three things and she went right for the jackets which are the most expensive things there. He said she got this gorgeous Yankee jacket and another one with leather sleeves and a jersey. Artie said he dropped $574 in that store.
Artie said that Alice wanted a bat for protection so he got her a bat that cost like $40. They had even more stuff at the counter and she asked to get this little replica of Yankee stadium and he got her that. He ended up getting her about 8 things, not just 3. Artie got himself a few things like a new hat. Lisa said she had a list of stuff that Alice bought and it included a snow globe, earrings and more. Howard said he always wondered who collected snow globes. He said that they're useless. Artie said that they don't even play in the snow so it's ridiculous.
Lisa said that Bubba was grilling Mutt over the stuff that's been going on with his web site and the guy breaking into one of his staff members bank accounts. Bubba is still staying away from any bulletin boards. There's also a story about how that fan may have been posting the show illegally online. Howard said that if you give it away for free, then no one supports it and the show goes away. He thanked Lisa for that and let her go after that.
Howard had Mutt on the phone and he wanted to make a statement about this Bubba thing. Mutt said that by the end of the show Bubba was saying that he was making up with SFN and he was just going to go after that one guy instead of the whole site. Howard thanked him for that very important update. Howard threw in a plug for a gig that Greg Fitzsimmons had coming up this week at Proctor's Theatre in Schenectady, NY.
Howard asked Janks if they have both self-service and full service there. Janks said that he will do stuff like filling up and washing windows or even checking oil. He said that he doesn't expect tips or anything when he does that stuff. He said that in New Jersey you do get tipped but not in PA. He said it just doesn't happen out there. He said that fans recognize him all the time too so it's kind of embarrassing. He said they'll use him for everything they can when they do recognize him.
Howard asked Janks why he hasn't been making many calls lately. Janks said that it's not as easy to get through these days like it was years ago. He said that he used to be able to get through as easy. Howard said that Janks should be a screener for those shows that he used to call in on. Janks said that he pissed off too many people to get a job like that.
Janks said that he hasn't gotten laid in about 2 years. It was oral sex back then. He said that he met this chick at a club in Doylestown that he was making an appearance at. He said that Sarah Silverman has been in his fantasies lately. He said that he remembers seeing her on Star Trek years ago and he's wanted her since then. Janks asked Howard to hook him up with her but Howard told him that she's going out with Jimmy Kimmel. He said that she might do it as a bit though.
Kenneth Keith Kallenbach called in and said that Janks doesn't work at a gas station, he works at a restaurant as a bus boy or something. Janks said that's not true. Ken also asked why he doesn't book him at appearances he makes. Howard hung up on him and asked Janks about these appearances that he makes. Janks said that he does prank calls live and also does some Howard Stern trivia. He said that he'll make prank calls to the audience members friends. Howard said it must be a lot of pressure to do something like that on stage.
Janks said that he'll have people write down scenarios and he'll pick out the best one and call the people. He said that he gets paid to do these appearances but it's not a hell of a lot of money. Howard guessed $100 and Janks said that Howard was in the ballpark with that number. He said that Beetlejuice gets like $3,000 for the same kind of appearance.
Howard said that one of the funniest things Janks did was report that Artie Lange had died out in Las Vegas and it made it to the news as a breaking story.
Howard gave Janks some plugs for some appearances he's making in the near future. You can also find out more about what he's up to at CaptainJanks.tk. Artie thought that Janks used to bring a Trivial Pursuit game to the appearances and did trivia that way. Janks said that's not true, he never did that. He gets trivia about Howard's show off the web and makes up stuff of his own.
Howard played some examples of Janks' past. He had a call where Janks pranks the FOX news channel with a story about a shark attack. Janks called in as the life guard from the beach where it happened. Janks said that he just told them that he was the lifeguard they were talking about and got right on the air. He jerked the reporter around for a short time and then
Janks said that he thinks that they didn't even have the life guard lined up for that interview. He said that he took the chance that they didn't and just called in and pretended to be that guy. He said he just makes up names as he goes along and came up with that one. Artie actually recognized one of the lines that Janks used in that call as being from the movie ''Jaws.'' Janks said he was right because he thinks he had just watched the movie the night before.
Howard had a bunch of other calls that he mentioned as being some of the best he'd done. He played one where Janks called in and pretended to be in a car accident as he was talking to the hosts of the show. Janks said that call was probably from 1988 or 89. He said he used to put on a voice when he did calls back then. Howard said he wished that he'd kept up that voice but Janks said it kept him from talking clearly.
Howard went through a list of other calls that Janks has made and Janks suggested which one to play. He had one where he called a show where they were talking about gun control and the host basically tells Janks to go kill himself. The host tells him to take his gun and stick it in his mouth after Janks pretended to take a shot.
There was another call where Janks pretends to be over in Iraq and talks to Chris Matthews. He said that the civilians over there were asking for tapes of Howard Stern and they hang up on him. Howard wondered what to play next so Janks suggested the CP Telethon call. Janks said that one of his favorites was one where he called the Mother Angelica show and pretended to be a woman asking her if she would ''spread for Baba Booey.'' She then goes off on Janks for doing ''one of those bad calls.'' Howard said he can't imagine her as a teacher in Catholic School. Howard said that it would have been great if she had said that she only spreads for Jesus or something. Gary said he remembers having a big cringe factor with that call. Janks laughed and said he remembers the look on Gary's face when he heard that call.
Howard asked Janks if he gets happy when he hears someone going off on him like Mother Angelica did. Janks said that he does think that he hit pay dirt when something like that happens. He said it's kind of scary when it happens with someone like Mother Angelica. Howard played more of Mother Angelica going off on Janks because in that one call she goes on for about 2 minutes talking about him. Janks said that it gave him the chills and he wasn't able to even listen to it.
Howard wanted to play another Mother Angelica call so he played one where she tells Janks that Jesus died for him after he asks her something about letting Howard Stern light her farts. Howard said he was jealous of Janks for having her going off on him, he said he wishes it was him. He and Fred used to make prank calls and he'd love it when people would get pissed at him. Howard continued to play the call where Mother Angelica tells him that Jesus died for him and instead of being grateful, he's making these awful calls that will keep him out of heaven.
Howard took a call from a guy who told Janks he loves his calls. He also said that his favorite is the one where he calls CNN and manages to get everyone's name it. Janks said that wasn't his call, that was King of All Messengers.
Gary said that the person who loves Janks is Steve Langford. He said he's already done three pieces on him and he thinks that Janks understands journalism like no one else. Janks said that he's very grateful that Steve is working there now because he used to do reports for other shows about him.
Howard took another call from a guy asking Howard what he thinks the chances are the Robin will put on 30 pounds in the next 3 years. Howard said that she does yo-yo in her weight but she seems to be very dedicated to this diet she's on now. Robin said she's not changing her diet anymore, she's sticking with this one. She said it's just about the way she eats. Howard said he thinks that 60-70 percent of people can't hold it together and stay down on weight.
The caller also asked Howard if he thinks that Bubba will be back on Howard 101 in 2008. Howard said that he has been trying to get management to keep him there. He said if they can't keep him on there than he'd just keep the one channel. He said he'd rather do that than try to find someone else to replace Bubba. He said he has a lot of great people working there and he's hoping that things work out for Bubba. He predicts that he'll be there and gives it an 85 percent chance that he'll be there. He said Bubba would probably disagree.
The caller also asked Howard what kind of chance he gives Artie for doing heroin again. Howard said he didn't want to go there and looked over at Artie who was just about falling asleep. Artie said it's the sugar from the cupcakes that he eats on cupcake Wednesday. Howard said he can barely stay awake these days. He told Artie he starts out too fast in the morning when he eats. Howard told him to put his head down and just rest for 20 minutes. He said he'd rather have him sharp for the rest of the show so he told him to get some sleep. Artie actually pulled out his jacket so he could put his head down. Howard said he'd wake him up with the air horn in about 20 minutes.
Artie said he likes to sniff some Vick's Vapo-Rub before he sleeps so he wanted to do that. Howard told him that he might have to get back on heroin. Howard told him to go out to the green room and sleep out there. Artie was afraid he was going to miss something important. Howard told him it's ''just Janks'' so he wouldn't miss anything. He came right back in when he found out both green rooms were full.
Wolf asked Howard what the chances are that Beth will be pregnant in the next couple of years. Howard said that it's zero percent if it's not an accident.
Ralph called in and asked if Crazy Alice paid for anything herself at the Yankee store. Howard said she didn't and when they wanted to talk to Artie about that stuff, he had already gone to sleep. Artie was out cold on his desk. They said that he's like Shrek over there. Howard said that he was almost passed out when Robin pointed it out. They spent a few minutes talking about Artie sleeping over there and saying that the visual was really funny.
Howard wrapped up with Janks and gave him a plug for this club Chambers 19 in Doylestown, PA this Saturday night. Janks also does trivia at the Tex-Mex Connection every Wednesday night in North Wales, PA. They went to break a short time later.
Scott DePace and Doug Goodstein were in the studio talking about all of this and making suggestions to just let him sleep all day long and they'll tape him the whole time. Howard didn't want to do that, he said he'd probably wake up anyway.
Gary put the microphone next to Artie so they could hear the noise coming from him. Robin said that Sal had suggested that they wake him up with a couple of cymbals. Benjy wanted him to just sleep and leave him there all day long. They figure that he'd be out until 2 in the afternoon.
Robin was the one who caught Artie falling asleep earlier and pointed it out to Howard. Howard said that Artie was moving but he really was out cold. Howard said he thinks they may have to wake him up with the air horn so he's not sleeping when Shaw Blades comes in.
Gary said that he might be able to find a cymbal to wake him up. They have a guy there who may have just what they need. Howard said that he's not going to start messing with Artie too much because he does trust him. They came in with the cymbals but Howard said he had a guy on the phone who said that they should set the clocks ahead like 5 hours so Artie thinks he slept that long. Howard said that's funny. He said that Artie was still sleeping over there and was really passed out. Gary moved the microphone so they could hear him better. As soon as he did that he started to snore.
Ralph called in and said this was the best thing ever. He said they should bump the band because this was even better. Howard and the guys laughed as they heard Artie snoring like a big bear in there. Howard said it wasn't even near him but he had Gary move it closer. That made them laugh even more. Howard told Gary to move away because he might wake him. Fred told him he might get bitten if he was too close when he woke up.
Howard said that Artie was in REM sleep and that's why his eyes were darting around. They were all watching him closely. Then Artie kind of woke up and let out a bunch of grunts. They thought that he might be having that sleep apnea thing going on. Howard said he makes weird faces when he sleeps too. Gary said they were ''fuck faces'' like they were something you'd see when he was fuckin.
The guys were still watching Artie 15 minutes later. Artie was about to fall off the chair he was sitting in. Howard said that they might have to brace him but that would wake him up. Benjy said that the chair could only move another inch though. Howard didn't want to wake him up before doing the Cymbal thing. Artie moved to get himself in a better position. Howard told him to go lay on the couch. Artie whispered ''my back is killing me.'' He woke up all the way and said that his back really was killing him.
Howard asked Artie if he knew what was going on. Artie had no idea. Gary helped him move over to the couch in the studio so he could stretch out on that. Howard told him to hurry but Artie didn't want to move. Howard said they didn't even get to wake him up with the cymbals. Artie said he was alright but his back was starting to hurt so he woke up.
Howard took a call from Dominic Barbara who asked Artie if he thinks that he's finally diabetic. He said that he thinks that it might be a sign of diabetes. Howard said that Jon Hein could test Artie to see what his blood sugar level was. Artie said that he's been eating tons of chocolate and peanut butter too.
Howard had Jon test Artie. Jon poked him and found that his blood sugar level was 209 which was a little high. He said that it shouldn't get too much higher than that. He said that if he had eaten something like that himself, he would have been over 400. He thinks that Artie is getting there, toward being a diabetic, from what he could tell.
Artie said that he should do that Robin thing. He said that if he was thinking about himself all the time he'd probably be in Italy now. He said that he feels like eating some cookies right now after that rest. He feels like eating the Linden's Chocolate Chippers he had there. Howard finished up his commercial and let Fred play the rest of the commercials they hadn't played yet.
Artie said that he had a problem with heroin and he's substituted that with food so that's why he's gotten so big. Howard asked Tommy and Jack if they ever had problems with that stuff. One of the guys said that he never had a problem with it. Howard said they were talking to Tommy Shaw who was in Styx and in Damn Yankees with Ted Nugent. Howard said that Jack Blades was in Night Rangers and Damn Yankees. They had Will in there too and Howard had to ask how to pronounce his name. They spent a few minutes talking about the bands they used to be in.
Howard said that Tommy, Jack and Will are going to sit there with 2 guitars and a mandolin and perform for them. He had a list of songs that they could play and he was going to ask the audience what to perform. He mentioned ''California Dreaming'' or ''Can't Find My Way Home.'' They broke right into that song and Artie said that was far enough and they should just play that one. They went through that song and did an amazing job with it.
Howard said he got chills with that song. He said it really moves him. He said he had to pick from a few other songs and said it was tough to pick from this long list he had. He ran through a bunch of the song titles and told them to hold off for a minute before getting to any of them.
Artie said that he wanted to hear ''The Sound of Silence'' so Howard said that was good. He gave them a plug for their album ''Influence'' which is out now. The guys said that when they do live concerts they go on for hours and hours. Jack said that they tell stories and perform songs when they do the live stuff. Howard had the guys perform Simon And Garfunkel's ''The Sound of Silence'' for them after that. It was another amazing performance.
Howard told them it was another beautiful job. He said that he'd like to be able to do something like that. He'd like to get into a band with Artie and Fred or something and be able to perform. Jack said they don't even have the lyrics written down, they just come to you. Howard said they must have been really good students in school if they can remember stuff like that. He said that it must require a high intellect to do something like that. He said that he thinks that musicians that can play the way they do must be very intelligent and must be able to do math. Jack said that Tommy has been married 8 times so he should let them know if that's true. Tommy wasn't sure how he worked math into him being married so many times.
Howard said he wanted the guys to do another song so he went through the list again. He found a few that he wanted to hear but then Gary came in and asked them to perform ''When I See Beth Smiling.'' That song was something that a listener had sent in for Howard to sing. Shaw Blades had actually heard about the song and came up with their own version. Howard played some of the original song first to let everyone hear what he was talking about. Then he had the guys perform their version of the song. They took in their own direction and changed it up a bit. They added their own lyrics and sang about Howard wanting to go to Afghanistan when he sees Beth making those wedding plans.
Robin said that they made that song worth listening to. Howard said he was very honored today after hearing that. He took some phone calls after that and the guy said that they were incredible at the live concert he saw down in Florida. Howard said that they're kicking off their tour next month and you can find out more at Myspace.com/ShawBladesInfluence.
one caller told Howard to shut up and let these guys just play. Howard said that was enough for him and asked the guys to perform a little bit of Pink Floyd's ''Wish You Were Here.'' They did a little bit of that with Artie singing lead. Then they performed ''California Dreaming'' with Robin, Howard and Artie singing background a little bit.
Artie said that the guys played at this event he was at out in California a few months ago. He and Dave Attell almost got to hang out with Styx.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Scott the Engineer deserved some credit for the mixing on their songs. Scott was in there but he said he wasn't the one doing the mixing, it was someone else. Howard asked the guys to perform a little bit of ''Lucky Man'' even though they don't usually perform that song. They said they were just going to play a little bit of it but ended up doing the whole song with Howard doing some sound effects for the song.
Howard took a call from Riley Martin who said that they were quite magnificent. He said that he wrote a song years ago and he should be very honored if they could perform the song with him. Howard didn't seem to think that was going to happen though.
Another caller said that he'd like to buy their version of that Beth song. Howard said they might have a hit on their hands with that. Another caller asked for some Led Zeppelin before they left but they don't really do that. They performed some AC/DC instead. Artie sang along with them on ''Highway To Hell.'' Howard started to wrap up abut asked the guys about what happened to Eddie Van Halen the other night. They said that it seemed like it was just a keyboard problem and maybe a bitrate problem like it was described on the web. They said that it was probably very hard to hear what was going on and Eddie and Wolfgang were stuck where they were in the song, maybe not even knowing what was going on. Howard wrapped up with the guys a short time later and let them go.
Howard heard something that he thought was Artie's iPod making noise but Artie said it wasn't him. He said it sounded like that Beth Smiling song coming out of somewhere. Howard thought Artie was lying but Artie swore it wasn't him.
Howard said that he was talking to Jack Blades after the interview about getting married and Jack couldn't believe he was going there. Howard said that maybe he is nuts if so many people are telling him that it's a bad idea.
Howard said that they have pictures of Artie sleeping up on HowardStern.com. He was talking about that but still heard the singing going on. it turns out the guys were still out in the green room performing and Scott the Engineer had something going on with the headphones. That led to the guys talking about how Scott almost got some compliments on his work earlier but it wasn't even the work he was doing that he was getting complimented on.
Howard wanted to know how Scott had the power to pump something through to the studio. Scott came in and said that the headphones that Shaw Blades were using were wired to his studio. He said he wasn't trying to prank Howard or anything like that. Howard thanked him and said he'd had enough of him as he was booting him out of the studio. Howard asked the guys to get the number of the guy who was mixing that stuff for them earlier. Gary said that his name is Chris Gibbons and he actually works there at SIRIUS.
Artie said that he had to take some Subutex earlier too so that may have been a side effect from that. He said he was a Subutex addict for a while but he's not anymore. He said that he was taking too many of them to try and get high and that was wrong.
Artie said that he was thinking about getting on coke again so he could lose the weight really fast. He said that he'd free base coke for like 2 months and lose the weight. He said that he might get addicted to that stuff after that so he figures that plan wouldn't work.
Howard said that maybe Artie should just eat a normal meal every day and exercise so he can lose weight normally. Artie said that he could do that. Ralph said that they actually have a gym in the apartment building he lives in. Artie said he used to go to it and use the treadmill but that was only for about a month.
Howard said that Artie was kind of freaked out when Jon Hein read him the riot act earlier. Artie said he's been holding off on eating the cookies he has so it must have worked. Jon came back in to check Artie's blood level again. They played Goody Dickman's ''Artie Don't Eat That Hero'' song parody as Jon was checking Artie's levels.
Jon said that Artie was up to 238 from a 209 earlier. Gary said that he read that he should get checked out because he may be too high. Jon said that he thinks that Artie has Type 2 diabetes and he really should go to a doctor. He said he had a lot of sugar earlier and he thinks that's the problem. Jon said that's part of the problem but Artie has to regulate that level. Robin said that the problem is that all of this sugar is running around in his blood and that's what the complications are. Robin said that it can cause all kinds of problems.
Artie said that he wants to see the level tomorrow. Jon said that you do space out a lot when you have this problem. Howard told Artie to stop right now, hit the gym and get on a normal diet. He told him to get on 3 meals a day. He told him to have oatmeal with banana in the morning. For lunch he's going to have chicken and rice and then for dinner... Then Howard cut himself off and said fuck it, two months on coke?
Artie said he's kind of freaking out now that he knows this diabetes thing. He said that he might have to go now to the fat camp. He said that it really calls for something right now. Artie said that he's going to start now and stop eating the crap. Howard had a brown rice and chicken meal for him right there so he could start. Artie was worried about what he was going to eat later on though.
Howard said that if he can do it, so can Artie. He said that no one listens to him though. He said that pussy should be Artie's main motivation in life. Artie said that it is but pussy isn't as available to him as food is. He said that he'd be all over that if it was.
Benjy said that if they kept bringing chicks into the green room every day, maybe that would entice Artie to lose the weight. Benjy suggested they have some girls in the green room to give him a hand job every time he feels hungry. Howard said that he's going to talk to the new Miss Howard TV chick, Laura, who Artie really liked. He said that he's going to try and help Artie out by asking her if she'll fuck him if he loses 100 pounds. Howard said he wants that chick so Artie must want her too. Artie said he does like her and would like to fuck her. He said that if he loses 100 pounds he won't need the help, the girls will be swarming him. Howard thinks that Artie could lose 100 pounds in 4 months. Artie said he doesn't have the energy to jog when he gets home.
Howard told Artie that he should come to the gym with him but then had second thoughts on that. Robin suggested they get him a smokin hot trainer instead. Howard said that won't work but Artie thinks that it might work.
Ralph called back in and said he can help Artie out. Howard said he actually helped him out and he can drink and eat whatever he wants. Ralph said that he drinks once in a while and even does some blow on occasion. Robin said that no one is taking Artie's addictive personality into account in this discussion. They think that Artie can regulate what he does when he really can't.
Howard said that maybe Ralph should move into Artie's place and that would keep him from eating. Artie said that he's not even able to play basketball and stuff to get exercise anymore. He had to give all of that up because of his weight.
Artie said he had Chicken Parm and four slices of pizza for dinner last night. He also had 2 liters of Pepsi with that. He's also been eating Hershey bars dipped in peanut butter. His mother's friend sent him some cookies for his birthday too and he's been eating those.
Howard said that Howard TV had a compilation of Artie eating from the past couple of days on the show. They played that for them in the studio and Howard asked them to put that on Howard TV tonight because people will love it. Gary said that they are going to put it on, it should be up by tomorrow night. Artie was laughing his ass off during and even after they played the video. They had Artie eating in fast motion so it must have looked pretty funny.
Steve got back to his report and read through a few more things that they'll be covering today. He said that they'll have a story about how they've been told that they're not on often enough by Howard Kurtz who did a story about them.
Howard had Jon Hein come in after that and said that he looked like he was upset. Jon said that he's really concerned about Artie. He said that if Artie controls what he's eating, he could control the diabetes, if he has it. Artie said that he's going to stop eating and change his diet. He said that he's going to smoke more cigarettes to get over this not eating thing. He said he wasn't serious about the coke thing earlier. He thinks that if he smokes more, he won't eat. Howard wondered why he has to replace one thing with the other. Artie said he'll eventually start eating better and not smoke so much.
A caller said that he was talking to a buddy about this Subutex stuff and heard that he can't miss the daily dosages. He said that Artie could go through some nasty withdrawals if he doesn't keep up with it. Artie said that's the case in the beginning but not now. He's been on the stuff for 2 and a half years now and that stuff doesn't happen anymore.
Jon Hein got to his Wrap Up Show preview and mentioned that they'll be talking about everything that went on with Artie today. He just got the key to the vending machine but now he's got to stop eating. Artie said that it's like a Twilight Zone episode or something. He gets the key to the vending machine and all of a sudden he has to stop eating so much crap. They ended up talking about some Twilight Zone episodes and playing the theme song from the show.
Jon said that they'll also talk about Shaw Blades performances today and about Eric the Author's ''Dougie The Puggie'' book that he read this morning. Howard said he likes how this is like a children's book about stalking. That might be a first. Jon mentioned that they'll also talk about Captain Janks and other things that happened today on the show.
Howard had Fred playing some Purple Rain as well. He was singing along to that song and talking about how great the song was. They spent a few minutes on that before Robin got back to her news.
Howard took a call from a woman who brought how Howard had called a woman ''dumpy'' who was 150 pounds at 5'7'' tall. The caller said that she's 5'9'' tall and 140 pounds and she's not dumpy. She said that she'd even come down to the studio to prove it after Robin made the suggestion.
Bob Levy called in and told Artie that he can help Artie. He said he gave up drinking two weeks ago and he's lost 7 pounds already. He's on some medication right now and that's helping him out. He said he's not drinking or doing anything like that. He's still smoking but he's going to try and get a pill for that. Howard asked Artie if he wants to get on the ''Bob Levy Diet Plan.'' Artie said he wasn't sure about that.
A caller from California called in and talked about how he could see two fires heading his way and it was pretty scary. Howard said that it is kind of scary when that kind of stuff happens. They do say that these fires happen in nature though and it's not all that surprising. They had to take a break a short time later.
Bob said that he got into a fight because he's back on crack. Howard didn't believe that this was actually him. Bob said that's him but Gary asked him what his sister's name was and he didn't know. Will said he picked up the phone and said that he still thinks that it was Bob. Howard said he didn't think it was him but everyone else was telling him he thinks it was.
Artie said that he thought it was Bob but he's not sure he wants someone stealing his thunder today. Howard had hung up on him but he asked the guys to get him back on the line if it was really him. Gary said they were working on it. Robin got back to her news in the meantime.
Artie ended up doing his Biggie Smalls impression during the news. Then Gary came in and said that they had Robin isolated during the Shaw Blades thing. Robin ended up freaking out on them for doing that to her and said that she doesn't want them isolating her like that. She said she actually cried when they did that to her back in Washington DC. Howard said that if they didn't do that kind of stuff they'd never get the gems that they get on the show.
Jeff the Drunk called in and told Robin to stop crying about that stuff. She eventually caved in and told them to go ahead and play it. Howard played the clip and said it didn't sound all that bad. It was just Robin singing with no music. Howard and Artie told her that it wasn't that bad. She had taken her headphones off so she couldn't hear it. She put them back on and Howard played a little more for her to hear. Robin said that it hurts that she's unable to sing, she doesn't like to hear that she really can't sing when she hears that stuff.
Howard had Robin get back to her news and Howard joked about her singing for the rest of her news. Howard asked Gary if Sal and Richard had the prank call done where they have her call a landscaping business and have her singing ''All the leaves are brown'' yet. He was just kidding but it sounded like a good idea for a prank call.
Artie got in some plugs for the comedy shows he has coming up soon. He said he's going to be doing his second show at the Tower Theater in Philly on New Year's Eve for the second year in a row. Howard wrapped up the show a short time later, around 11:15am.
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Howard started off the show asking Artie if he went home to sleep after the show yesterday. Artie said he was greeted with his mother crying out in the lobby of his apartment building. She was upset about everything they were talking about yesterday. She made him a doctor's appointment and made him go to that. He said he did go to the family doctor with her after that. Howard said he heard the guys beating him up about the diabetes thing on the Wrap Up Show.
Artie said his blood pressure is fine and his blood sugar level was down to about 138-140 by then. He said that he's not diabetic but the doctor told him he really does have to do something. His heart is working overtime and if he doesn't do something it's going to explode. He said that the blood test on the show could have been contaminated with the sugar from the cupcakes that he'd eaten that morning.
Artie said his mother was okay after all of that but then the doctor told him that he's really concerned about him when his mother wasn't in the room with him. He gave him a diet plan and now it's up to him to do what he has to do to lose some weight.
Howard said that Artie really needs to do something and maybe go to therapy. Artie said that he's actually going to see Dr. Ablow today. He said that he's going to try and avoid eating his Chocolate Chippers today but they were still sitting in front of him. Howard took them away and gave them to Jason instead.
Artie said that he's going to have some broccoli and stuff like that since the doctor suggested that. Howard told him that he eats thin strips of chicken with his broccoli. He has some chicken broth that he pours into a wok and then mixes the chicken and broccoli with brown rice. He throws in some corn starch with soy sauce and it tastes really good but it's got very few calories.
Artie said that he's lost weight from healthy eating and exercise so he knows he can do it. He said he has the feeling that he's closer to death than birth at this point in his life. Artie said if he just looks at Benjy this morning all sweaty, he should be able to stop eating. He went on to talk about how Benjy's cab cut him off this morning when he was pulling up and both Benjy and the cab driver were all sweaty. Benjy claims that it's his shower that made him wet but no one believes that. Howard said that Benjy has red spots and lumps all over his face so you know it's not shower water, it's sweat. Benjy said it's a little bit of sweat, not all sweat. He put on a hat to cover it up.
Howard said that Artie falling asleep yesterday inspired some song parodies. Mike Morse sent in ''Wake Him Up When The Stern Show Ends'' to the tune of Green Day's ''Wake Me Up When September Ends.'' There was also a song about the vending machine key that Artie got and that one was simply ''Artie's Key'' to the tune of ''Can't You See.'' Howard said there was another one called ''Shut Eye'' to the tune of ''Rawhide.''
Howard played some clips from the Wrap Up Show where the guys were talking to Artie about this weight loss thing. Howard said he kind of felt that they were overdoing it with him and they should have just left Artie alone. Artie knows what he has to do but he has to want to do it. Gary and Jon Hein were telling Artie that they worry about him and they really want him to do something about his weight and eating. Artie told them he knows he has to do something and he just has to get motivated to do it.
One person told Howard not to take a Subutex. The writer said he took two one day and he was fucked up for 4 days in a row. He was walking sideways at work and ended up driving home and not going back to work for the rest of the week. Another person said that Artie shouldn't even be taking the Subutex. That guy said that the Subutex makes you crave sugar. Robin said she read up on Subutex and they say that it can be abused so if anyone can find a way to abuse it, it's Artie.
Howard read some mail about Shaw Blades being on the show yesterday. The fans loved their performances. Someone wrote in about the Beth song and how great they made it after everyone thought the song was so bad. Howard played some of it after saying Beth heard about it from her father and now she's all excited about it. Robin told him he may have to use it in the wedding now. Howard let out a sigh when he heard that.
Howard played some of the ''When I See Beth Smiling'' song. He let it play through the part where they added their own lyrics. The lyrics went something like ''When I see you making those wedding plans I want to go to Afghanistan and take my chances...'' That cracked Artie up.
Howard played some of the other performances that Shaw Blades did yesterday and they all sounded great. He played short clips of each song they performed. Howard said he loves their renditions of their songs. Artie said they're great guys too. One of their performances was an AC/DC song so Artie said that he got a box set of theirs and was looking forward to listening to it. It turns out it was a DVD box set so he sounded kind of thrown off by that when Gary told him that's what it was. Artie said he can still watch that in his car.
Howard played some more of the clips and was kind of confused about some of the lyrics in one of the songs. He played the song and pointed out that they screwed up on some of the lyrics. Artie was saying that it's amazing how you can remember lyrics of popular songs like that. Howard said he can't remember them himself, Artie might be able to do that but he can't.
Howard played a music bed for this Biggie Smalls song that Artie has been singing lately. He wanted to hear Artie sing the whole song to the music bed. Artie went right into it and did the rap from this song that's been stuck in his head since the summer he heard it while working with a guy who played it every day. Howard said he likes some of those lines and the way Artie uses the N-word in the song.
Artie said that he knew of this Biggie Smalls stuff because Orlando Jones used to direct music videos. He said that one time Orlando came to New York to visit him and stayed with him in New York. He went into the city to see this guy Chub Rock who was a rapper. They ran into the former intern Smelly James out at this comedy club. Then they went out to a studio so Chub could do some recording and the last words he heard from Chub were ''I'm gonna go inside and drop some lyrics for this nigga.''
Another caller said that he was thinking about his merger thing and how the FCC are a bunch of hypocrites because they're thinking about letting terrestrial radio owners own even more radio stations in local markets but they're holding back on the merger of XM and SIRIUS. The caller said that the NAB fosters monopolies yet they're trying to stop the XM and SIRIUS merger.
The caller was also saying that the fires out in California are being blamed on Al Qaeda. The caller said he thinks that Blackwater could have something to do with it too because they want out of Iraq. Howard thanked him for the call but no one knew how to respond to what he was saying.
Howard said that he was reading an article about how the mob in new York had actually voted to take out Rudy Giuliani when he was in office. The guys spent a minute on that.
Howard brought up another article where 1375 people were asked who they would trust to baby sit their child, President Clinton, Dr. Laura or Howard Stern. Howard got 54 percent of the vote. Howard said that no one in their right mind would let their kids near Dr. Laura. He also said that about President Clinton. Howard read through that article and said that he wouldn't be all that fun as a babysitter because he's pretty strict. He said that Clinton would probably be more fun than him.
Howard said that there are some new articles out today about the Arbitron ratings that came out this week. David Hinckley says that Howard may not be the King of All Media anymore but he's definitely King of satellite radio. Howard said that would make him the King of All Media because he's been able to go to number one in another media outlet.
Howard read more about that and some stuff about Opie and Anthony. They're apparently complaining that they make the company a ton of money because they get paid so little. Howard said that he's not so sure about that but whatever.
Howard said he got an e-mail from a chick who said that she wants to train Artie. She wants to treat him some martial arts stuff. Howard showed him a picture of the chick and Artie said she has a nice ass.
Howard said he saw that up in Fall River Massachusetts they actually have some pumpkins with Hank's face on them. His family sent that to him. He said they don't mention him much these days but they do remember Hank.
Howard said he got some other good news that he's still the number 1 most searched radio personality on the web. That's been going on for 7 years in a row now. Howard said people figured he'd go away after moving to satellite but he's not going away.
Howard read a story on this web site called TheSpoof.com where they wrote about his cancer prayers and how they may actually be working. He said the site is a goof, kind of like The Onion. He read through the phony article on that site and said he thought it was pretty funny.
Howard mentioned an article in The Onion about a small town that held a gay shame parade. He thought that was pretty funny. He also played some clips of Bill O'Reilly that the guys had edited from his audio book to make him say all kinds of creepy things.
Howard said he had Jack and Rod show where they used clips of Hank the Dwarf to goof on a psychic. They had this Cooch Daniels psychic on the phone and asked her to do a reading for him. Hank has been dead for years but she still gave him a reading. They had Hank saying that she's fat and stuff like that. Then they ask her to estimate when he's going to die and she says that he sounds like he's dead inside already.
Artie never got to meet Hank the Dwarf. The guys talked about how great it was when he beat John the Stutterer in Rock and Roll Trivia.
Howard read another story from TheSpoof.com about a Teen wanting to hire Baba Booey when Howard retires. They say that the kid needs his laundry done and needs help with some other stuff. Howard thought that was kind of funny and read through the whole thing.
Howard said there was one other weird thing in the news. He said there's this store up in Boston called Jordan's and it's owned by Warren Buffet. He said that they were offering free furniture to any customer who bought stuff as long as the Red Sox won the World Series. They're saying that it's going to be into the millions of dollars if the Sox win. They took almost 30,000 orders during the promotion and one of the customers furnished his whole house at the time.
Howard said he read that Imus was at some celebrity auction the other day and he refused to talk to anyone there. His 8 year old son was flipping the bird with Imus when the reporters came over to interview him. Howard said that the guy is just vile. He read that he's 67 years old and Gary wondered if that could really be his age. Howard said it seemed right to him but Gary wasn't so sure about that. Howard said he can't imagine still working at that age. He had to go to break a short time later.
Lisa G ran through some stuff that they'll have on today's show. They found out that Crackhead Bob is okay and the caller yesterday was a phony. Howard said he could tell that it wasn't him when he got that call yesterday. He said that he and Eric the Midget are great at telling who phony callers are.
Lisa said that she spoke to Richie Notar who had to close down his Malibu restaurant due to the fires but he opened it up to the firefighters who were in the area. They also have a new High Pitch Mike tirade about Artie and his sleeping on the show. Artie said he's apparently in a feud with Mike and he's not sure why that is. Howard said they might have to have him in there to talk about it.
Bobo called in and asked Howard if the ratings news has made him think about sticking around when his contract is up in 3 years. Howard said he's not going to go there at this point, it's too early to say what will happen after that. He said that he used to do the countdown when he was on regular radio because he hated it so much there. He said that he will make the decision on the air and he'll have like a week's worth of shows to make that decision. He said they'll make the decision together.
Bobo also said that he hates to see Howard being compared to these people like Opie and Anthony. Howard said he feels bad for these guys because there is no comparison to what he's done in the business. That led to Howard doing a little bit of a speech as if he were receiving some award. He thinks that he should be given an award for what he's done in the business. He thanked people like David Letterman, Mel Karmazin, Don Buchwald and others who have supported him in what he's done. He also thanked some of the guys in the studio but told Benjy he would have to leave him out of it.
The guys suggested that Howard close the speech with the ''When I See Beth Smiling'' song. They played that but Howard said he was in the middle of his speech and didn't get to thank many people like Ivan Reitman, Betty Thomas, Ratso Sloman, Lonnie Hanover and others.
Bobo asked Howard why Opie would say that the numbers were misleading. Howard said that anyone who is in that situation would do that. He said it was a ridiculous question. He let Bobo go and played the Shaw Blades version of ''When I See Beth Smiling'' for a few seconds. Robin said it would be funny if he got stuck with that song when he goes on talk shows and they play it every time he comes out.
Howard said that Beth had better get home soon, she's been away for 2 days now. He said that he hasn't jerked off lately though. He said he went running for about 4 and a half miles yesterday and if Artie just went with him and walked, he could lose some of that weight. Artie said that would annoy Howard if he went with him. Howard said he could jog with him as far as he felt good doing it and just drop off. He doesn't have to go all the way with him.
Howard said there are only a few other guys in the business that you know by name. Robin asked him if his price goes up with name recognition. Nick said that he owns his own product so he gets paid on that. He doesn't make a lot doing the movies until they're sold.
Howard said that Nick has a new movie out called The Valkyries and he plays a spy/porn star in the movie. He's transformed himself into a hero in the movies and he goes after terrorists in this one. The terrorists are all women of course. Howard said that Nick saves the day by fucking to death, the villains in the movie.
Howard played some clips of Nick doing his thing with one of the terrorists in the movie. He's face fucking the chick and calling her names as he's doing her. In another clip he's banging a chick and yelling at her to fuck him. Howard asked him to describe that scene. Nick said that she was just banging him really hard in that one. He told the guys about some other scenes.
Howard asked Nick if his parents encouraged him to do this stuff. Nick said that they don't really encourage him to do it but his father does kind of look at him like he's proud of him. He said that he actually brought his father with him and had him watching him doing a hot chick one time. His father didn't say much to him after that but he did ask the chick if she was ashamed of herself. She shot right back and asked him if he was ashamed of himself.
Howard asked Nick if he would do Robin. Nick said that he'd love to drop loads on her big black cans. Howard asked Robin, who has lost a lot of weight, if she would do Nick. He told her to stand up and show off her new body. She did that but refused to take her top off. Howard said that Robin was talking to him about how she's ready to date so he wondered why she wouldn't go out with him and let him fuck her. She said ''Oh please!'' when she was asked about that. Howard told her that she could get laid and not worry about the attachment.
Robin said she'd be worried about the disease and stuff like that. She said that she just wouldn't do that stuff because she's not like that. Howard said he'd do that if it was him. Robin said that a big cock isn't always the best thing either.
Nick brought in a gift for Robin and it was a vibrator. He told her to open it up. She opened it up and said ''Ooo! It's waterproof!'' She showed it to the guys and Artie said she could jerk off in a lagoon somewhere.
Howard asked Nick if he's getting a reality show. Nick said they're in discussions to do it. He said that they want to cover a lot of stuff for the show. He said he's working on a book called ''Dropping Loads'' and he's got a lot of other stuff going on in his life. He has his own store and stuff like that as well.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Nick talks too much in his films. He said that he's always doing that talking shit in the movies. Nick told him that you're not supposed to masturbate to his movies, you're supposed to invite chicks over and fuck them while watching the movies.
Howard read that nick wanted to have a sack-o-plasty on his scrotum because he thinks his balls hang too low. He said it was kind of a goof when he came up with the idea so he's not sure if he'd do that. Howard also brought up how Nick shaves his balls down and asked him if he has hairs on his shaft like he does. Nick said he does have some on his shaft but only about 2 inches up. Howard said his go up about half way. Nick said he shaves his down with a Mach 3 razor. Howard uses clippers on his.
Howard talked to Nick about how he has women that will hire him to fuck them. He said that he'd do that for Robin but he wasn't even looking to get paid for something like that. Howard asked him what kind of money he gets for something like that. Nick said it's really good money and it really surprises him how much it is. He said that the most famous woman he ever had was a movie star. He said that she was real established and she's in her 40's at this point. She's not an Oscar winner but she's really hot. He said that he was doing that kind of thing before he was even in adult films.
Nick talked about how he got in touch with that chick. He said he got an email from her and responded to that. He offered to do that for Robin but she didn't seem interested. Howard jokingly threw out names like Beatrice Arthur being the chick he was talking about. Nick wasn't going to tell them who it was though. Nick said they went off to a Caribbean island and spent some time there together. He said that he gets the money and then they set the date and he gets the rest of the money when they get there. Nick said that there are a few women he'd do for free like Cher. He said that he's really into her and also into Cheryl Tieggs, even as she looks today.
He was trying to figure out who the 40 year old chick was. Benjy wanted to shoot off a bunch of rapid fire questions to try and figure out who this chick was. He asked a bunch of questions but didn't get any closer to finding out who she was. Benjy guessed that it was Desmond Tutu after going through a few questions. Robin said that they should ''rapidly fire'' Benjy.
Howard said that they have some big news. Nick has some ring tones available now. They're available at NickManning.com. Nick said that he'll even do custom ring tones for people. Howard gave him a plug for the web site AdultFilmInvestment.com and LA-Exotique.com. That last one was for his lingerie store. Nick said that they're trying to kick him out of the store even though he's legal.
Howard ended up setting up Robin on a date with Nick for Friday night. Robin is going out with a bunch of friends on Friday night and she said that he could come along with them. Howard said that's amazing. Robin said she's doing a girls night that night and it's going to be very interesting. Robin said that she didn't want to say who was going to be there but Howard knows who some of them are.
Nick mentioned this Brittany Starr chick who Artie made out with on the show recently. Nick said that he did her in a movie and she was close to being the best sex he's ever had. The Howard TV guys showed Nick the video of Artie making out with her. Howard told Artie that her mouth had Nick's load in it. Nick asked Artie how he tasted.
Howard asked Nick if he's got a big cock. Nick said it's about 8 inches but it's really thick. Artie told Robin to stick an apple on the tip of her vagina to prepare for him. Nick was telling Robin that he'd love to touch her boobs at least, even if he can't drop a load on them. Robin said that they're just going to go out and have a good time.
Howard showed Nick some video of Robin's nipples getting hard. She said that was disgusting. Howard told the Howard TV crew to go out with Robin and Nick on Friday night. She said that she may have to ask her girlfriends if they're okay with him coming out with them. She said they might not want a guy invading their night out.
Howard asked Nick if he can last for like 20 minutes having sex. Nick said that he gets a blow job for like 30 minutes. He said that he has to last for hours. Howard said that it's almost impossible to last that long when he's inside a woman going in and out. Nick said that his is kind of desensitized from doing it so much. Howard said he was sick of Nick and his life of banging so he wrapped up the interview and went to break.
Howard said that the Bleeding Deacons are another group that have sent in some song parodies. They were there out in the green room so Howard had them come in. Howard introduced Daniel, James and Cane. They're from Los Angeles. Howard said that the first time they heard from them was with the Mark Harris ''I'm a Gay Papa'' cover. They turned it into a rockin' version of the awful song and did a great job with it. Howard said that they took a shit song and turned it into something that was halfway decent.
Howard talked to the guys about how the got the band started and found out that they're almost full time musicians but they do have to do some other jobs to pay the bills. They said that things are very good right now though. They play some of the song parodies when they perform live. You can check out some of their videos at their web site BleedingDeacons.com
The guys did a little a cappella performance of ''Black Titties'' about Robin before they moved on. Howard said that these guys are always prepared to come up with song parodies about the show and they must live close. The guys said that they live about 4 blocks apart so they're able to get together quickly.
Howard said that these guys have sent in a ton of songs. He wanted to play some of them and mentioned the time that Sal first revealed that his wife was having the emotional friend thing going on and getting messages with 143 (I Love You) in them. The Bleeding Deacons sent in a song about ''143.'' Howard said that the lyrics in these songs are always good too. There was another one called ''Richard is a Cocksucker'' that Howard played. Howard played through a few other songs about Sal and Richard being gay that the guys performed.
Howard asked the guys if they're married. One of the guys said that he's married, the other two said they're working on it. Howard played some more of their parodies about Joey Boots coming out as being gay and stuff about Robin. They've sent in a bunch of songs that get played before Robin's news.
Howard took some phone calls and one guy told them that they should put out a CD. Daniel said that they have one out and it's available on their web site. Howard said that these guys are going to be with the Killers of Comedy out in California on November 16th at the Avalon. They're also going to be at Mutt's Fall Ball which takes place tomorrow in New York City. Howard didn't know anything about it but Gary was telling him that Mutt has put together this thing and they have a ton of Stern fans and wack packers coming in for the party. Gary said that this guy StonerDude was standing outside this morning. Everyone is coming in and Sour Shoes is going to be at the party among others. The party takes place at 49 Grove tomorrow night. It's open to the public, $20 at the door.
Howard took another phone call and the guy asked to hear the Black Tits song parody. That wasn't The Bleeding Deacon's song but they played it anyway. Howard said that they're very talented and he's glad that he got to meet them finally. He gave them some more plugs and
Howard said that Richard has been experimenting with some prank calls and stuff. He said they found this guy who posted an ad saying that he gives massages and he's a ''handsome bear'' of a guy. Richard decided to call the guy and he's not sure that it's even funny. What's funny is that Richard always goes to the gay stuff in his bits. He said that it's not going to have a big pay off or anything, it's just Richard as ''Rusty'' calling for a massage.
in the call Richard tells the guy that he's not a bear himself, he's more of a Twink himself. He asked the guy what he wears when he does the massage and started moaning when he heard the description. Richard asked him to growl at him because he has a fantasy of being attacked by a bear. Howard cut it off and said this call was creepy. Robin said she wasn't sure if the guy was into pleasuring men or not. Howard played more of it and the guy did say that he's had guys play with his chest. Howard said that Richard does seem to like doing the gay stuff.
Howard got in a plug for the hottest Chick, Smallest Tits contest they have coming up. Then he had Yucko come in.
Howard said he saw a video of Yucko going out and trick or treating and it was very funny. Yucko said that's available at DamnShow.com. He said he has a trick set up for this Halloween and he'll be sticking his dick in the candy bowl when the kids come to his door.
Howard asked Yucko if he can see out of his clown mask or not. He said he can see just fine. Howard asked him why he's upset with Artie. Yucko said that he used to do shows with Artie and now he won't do any. Artie said that he never booked him to do shows with him, it was always Bob Levy who would book him for the shows. He said the last show he did with the two of them was rough because he had to follow Bob doing his blue cheese dressing thing. He slipped on stage on the dressing and hit his head on one of Yucko's black dildos.
Artie said that he likes Yucko and he would work with him again. Yucko threw in a few jokes about Artie's weight and said he's the size of a car and called him a ''Winnedago.'' He threw in a few other fat jokes as Artie was trying to find a gig to fit him in on.
Howard said that Yucko's trick or treating is going to be on Howard TV tomorrow night. He gave him some plugs for some upcoming gigs he had. Artie said that he'd put him on a gig if he wanted. Yucko said that he'd like to do that. You can find out more about where he's going to be appearing at KillersOfComedy.com
Howard heard that Yucko was getting married so he asked about that. Yucko said that's supposed to happen next year. The girlfriend Nicole was there so Howard had her come in. He asked her about meeting Yucko's parents who were very down to earth country folk. Nicole said that Yucko brought her to the Grand Canyon and told her not to let her pussy get to be that big and gave her the ring after she promised that wouldn't happen.
Robin asked Nicole if she really wanted to have Yucko's kids. She said she didn't say that. Yucko said that this is the hottest chick he's ever had. Howard wondered if Yucko has a small dick or something and he's afraid of a big pussy because of that. Nicole said that he's actually well endowed.
Howard asked Yucko why he never cleans that costume of his. He said he thinks it's bad luck so he'll never clean the thing. Howard said that Nicole is the chick that Yucko met in a comedy club and all of the other comedians claim she's hit on them. Howard asked when the wedding is. Nicole said it's on May 3rd of next year.
Howard took a phone call from some guy who was on the show 5 years ago and had a problem with Yucko. Yucko couldn't even remember what he did to the guy. Howard ended up hanging up on the guy after a couple of minutes of him yelling about stuff no one understood.
Howard played one of Yucko's songs that he sang about the staff of the show back when he was part of the World's Meanest Listener contest. Howard said that was quite a while ago. He also played a clip of Yucko roasting him from that same time. Howard said that Yucko's fiancÚ must have had dreams of guys like Adam Sandler and Dane Cook and she ends up with him.
The guys talked about that World's Meanest Listener contest and how great that was. Rev. Bob Levy, the winner of that contest, called in and said that Yucko goes back and plays chess against his girlfriend instead of going out and drinking like he used to. Yucko said that Levy has quit drinking too. Howard sounded intrigued by the fact that Yucko was playing chess. He was interested in finding out what his rating is but Yucko didn't know.
Bob said that he's going to Yucko's wedding and he thinks that they're really good people. Yucko has been calmed down by this woman he's seeing. Yucko said that Jim Florentine has changed since he started dating Robin. He said he's been eating healthy and started playing basketball and stealing cars since he started going out with her.
Howard had some more Yucko clips to play so he played his roast of Robin from the World's Meanest Listener contest. He was really brutal with her. Howard said he loves Yucko and asked him to stick around for the Mike Walker Gossip Game if he wanted to. He gave Yucko some plugs for some upcoming shows and a plug for his T-shirts that you can get at DamnShow.com. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said he's in Us magazine this week in the Celebrity Feud of the Week section. He said he's not really against Ellen, it's not a feud. He said that a feud would be if he were furious with her. He's just not understanding what she's doing with these dogs. He said he heard that she was adopting a lot of these dogs and giving them up so he's concerned for her.
Howard moved on to the Mike Walker game and told Yucko that if he won, he'd give him a Beck's Beer branded SIRIUS Stiletto. He got Mike on the phone and gave him his plugs before they got to the game. They also talked about Nick Manning and how he claimed to have been with an A-list celebrity who paid him for sex. Mike said that he'll work on that story.
Howard moved on to the game so here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Steve said that they also have a story about Robin getting upset about her voice being isolated during her singing yesterday. Robin said that she let it be played so they shouldn't be so upset. They also have a new ''Lowdown with High Pitch Mike.'' Howard wondered where Mike was because he wanted to talk to him about this rant of his. He wasn't there according to Steve. Gary had pulled some of the rant for Howard to play. He was going off on Artie about some stuff and Artie had to defend himself over what he was saying. He said that Mike had told him a racist joke and he reported on it. Now Mike is upset with him for some reason.
Artie said they should have Mike in there but Yucko said if they do that, the ratings will slip faster than Howard's mom on steps. He threw in a honk, honk from his trademark horn after that. The guys sounded surprised that he pulled that joke out so quick and didn't have it written down.
Howard had Jon Hein come in next with his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon said they'll talk about Nick Manning's visit today. They'll also talk about the Bleeding Deacons and how scary they were looking. Artie said that one of the guys looked like Slash if he had been stung by bees. Jon said that they'll also talk about Yucko's visit today.
Howard said that he was looking at the picture of Ellen Degeneres in the paper today and he thinks that he looks more feminine than she does.
Howard had Mutt from Superfan Roundtable on the phone. Mutt said that tonight they have a bunch of special guests coming in to talk about this Halloween party they're doing tomorrow night. They have a lot of stuff to talk about during the show. Superfan Roundtable airs at 7pm on Howard 101.
Howard interrupted the news to say that one of their Howard TV producers, Jason Sirotin, is leaving for a different job. He's done some great stuff there and now he's moving on. He said that Jason was part of the Howard Stern Film Festival and produced some stuff for them. Jason came in and said that he's moving down to Atlanta to be the VP of a company called ECG. Jason said it's been an amazing experience there. He said he knows the guys who are running that company and he'll be making more money with them and the money will go further down there than up here. Howard wished him luck with the new job and thanked him for what he did there. Howard told him he'll be back in a week.
Howard joked that Jason is also going to be the Georgia distributor for Scott DePace's Video Caddy. He had Robin get back to her news after that.
Robin read a story about Maxim Magazine declaring that Sarah Jessica Parker is the unsexiest woman in show business. That led to Howard saying that they're all wrong there and he thinks that anyone in there would bang her if they had the chance. Fred didn't agree with him though. Fred said that Halloween was her best friend. Artie said that he probably wouldn't kick her out of bed and if she blew him, he'd probably finish in a second.
Howard heard that Yucko has been trying to diet for his upcoming wedding. He thought that was kind of funny. Howard also had High Pitch Mike come in to talk about this problem he has with Artie. Mike came in and said he wants to throw the radio through the wall when he hears Artie sleeping during the show. He said it really pisses him off when he hears that.
Howard told Mike that it's kind of funny when it happens though because they've woken him up with an air horn. Artie said that he took just one cat nap in 7 years. Artie told Mike he's not going to take his marching orders from him. He said he has a medical problem and he's going to work through it. He said that he was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes at 9:30 and he was still there at 10 cracking jokes. Mike thinks that Artie is on something that's making him sleepy and it's not the Subutex. Artie went off on Mike goofing on him about his trip to Disney World all by himself.
Mike was also defending himself against Artie's claims that he goes around using the N-word all the time. He said he doesn't do that all the time and he apologized to Robin about the comments he said about her when the whole Siobhan thing was going on. Mike was also saying that he was born with an affliction, his wandering eye, and Robin was born black so neither of them can help how they look.
Howard said that he thought Mike was a virgin but Mike says that he's not. He said that he's had sex with more than one woman. Mike said people will say that's not true but it is. Howard got a note from the guys saying that Mike was lying about not being a virgin. Mike didn't seem to care and kept going off on Artie.
Will came in and said that Mike has told him that he's still a virgin. Mike said that Will is a liar and he's also told people that he opened up his TV that he still hasn't opened since he got it. Artie said that Mike is gay and a sexual predator and told him to admit that he is. Artie said that he has to be gay and he should just admit it. Mike said that he's not gay and he'd have no problem saying it if he were.
Artie said that Mike went to an American Idol concert and ran up to Sanjaya to give him a hug. He was goofing on him saying that he's going to be on AZT in 20 years when he's dying alone in a bed. Mike said that Artie should learn from his father and give up before it's too late. Everyone let out a sigh when they heard him go there.
Artie and Mike kept going back and forth goofing on each other and then Howard threw in a joke saying that he's sorry that the two of them can't see eye to eye on this. Yucko honked his horn for that joke.
Rev. Bob Levy called in and told them to put Mike on a lie detector to find out if he's ever sucked a dick. Bob said he thinks he has. The guys spent a little more time on that and then had Robin get back to her news.
Ralph said that there are some chicks on the list who are close to hitting the wall. Jillian Barberie is one of them. Artie said that ''the wall'' is already in her rearview mirror. Ralph said he hates to say that because she's been so cool to the show. He was also saying that Cameron Diaz isn't looking so good these days either. Ralph said that Pam Anderson has about 3 years left with her looks. Artie said that she didn't look good in the Borat movie.
Artie said that he likes Jennifer Aniston but none of the other guys do. He said he finds her sexy, not all that pretty. Fred said he thinks Artie likes her because she looks similar to his ex, Dana, but Dana was cuter.
Ralph threw out a few more names and said that Carrie Fisher used to be cute in the Star Wars movies but she's looking awful these days. He said that she looks more like Jabba the Hutt these days. Ralph had even thrown in Dakota Fanning as being one of the chicks who hit the wall but she's only 14 so Howard said they'd have to take her off that list.
Ralph called back in a few minutes later and said that Meena Suvari has also hit the wall. He forgot to throw her out there earlier. Robin got back into her news and read through a bunch of stories. She brought up this guy Steve Carrell and wondered if he's the kind of guy who will have a long career in film or is he just doing them because he's got a hit TV show. The guys think that he's getting work because of the TV show and probably won't be a huge movie star.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show a short time later. He gave Yucko some plugs and then Artie got in some plugs for the places where you won't see Yucko, and gave out his own comedy gig dates. Yucko threw out a few insults about Artie during that. Howard ended the show around 10:30am.
Howard started off the show talking about that ''Nature's Way'' song as they were starting the show. He said he was reminded that Randy California just died just a few months ago trying to save his son from drowning and he drowned himself. Fred said that he pushed his son out of the way but got sucked into the current himself. The kid was 12 according to Fred. Howard said he never commented on that after it happened. Robin didn't remember him coming in and performing the song. Howard said he looked kind of homeless when he was in. Howard said that poor kid has to remember him saving him and then just going off and dying.
Howard said that everyone out there was really getting into it and there may have been some cars turned over when Arizona won. He said it was even white people doing the car flipping. There aren't a lot of black people out there from what Gary was saying.
Howard said that he had a good time on vacation and came back pretty relaxed but now he's back to normal and not enjoying work. He talked about going to the Grand Canyon when he was a kid and how he really didn't pay much attention to it back then. He has no desire to see what it looks like. He talked about how he thinks that people have to be insane to take a donkey ride down through the canyon. He'd never do something like that himself.
Howard said that he was on this hike with the guide at the Canyon and the guide didn't say much of anything to describe what was going on. The other person on the hike was saying that it showed the beauty of the desert when you go hiking. Then she'd stop and describe all of the different plants out there. He said he didn't care and just wanted to keep moving. He was getting totally frustrated with the whole thing.
Howard said that there were a lot of fat people on the hike and it was a 4 hour hike. He said that some of the women had to have been 100 pounds overweight. They went back to their rooms and didn't come out for days after the hike. He said he was doing the hikes out there but worked his way up to the 4 hour hike. He did a 2 hour hike, then the 4 hour and back to the 2 hour.
Howard said that he didn't care about the Grand Canyon and would only look at his feet while he was walking. Then he'd get back from the hike and go to the gym to get on a bike to get his heart rate up. Robin said that she used to do stuff like that too and work out like crazy when she was losing weight.
Howard said that the only reason he wanted to go on the hike was to stay thin. He didn't care about the view. That led to Howard talking about how the chicks on the hike were good looking and then asking if Robin thinks that he should get the fat sucked out from under his chin. Robin said that he looked fine and it's just a thing you get down there.
Robin showed how she's got some loose areas on her chin too. Howard said that when he did the Charlie Rose show he looked really good because they shot him from the right side. When he was on Larry King, they shot him from the left side and he looked awful. Jackie said he thought Howard looked fine on the Larry King Show but Howard said that Jackie doesn't even look at himself in the mirror and realize he looks that bad. He went off on Jackie's looks so Jackie told Howard his neck isn't the thing he should be worried about when he's looking in the mirror.
Howard and Jackie went back and forth on that stuff for a short time. Jackie was defending himself against what Howard said. Robin said that it looks like Sharon Stone has had some work done on her since she was in high school. Howard wondered why he doesn't get work done on himself. He said he might have to go in for some work, he'll be good looking even if it kills him.
Howard and Robin talked about how Sylvester Stallone looks like he's had some work done too. Bobo called in a short time later and asked if he thinks his career is growing even more after his hit movie. Howard said that they have added a few more stations lately and they have a bunch more coming up soon. He thinks his movie had a lot to do with that as well.
Bobo asked if there's going to be a sequel to the movie. Howard said that he was talking to Sheri Lansing from Paramount and she was telling him that he did a great job in this first movie and people are going to want to see him in another one.
Howard said he was at home reading every review about the movie and they were all very positive. He read a couple of notes from some of the articles and they were all pretty positive things.
Howard and Bobo also talked about this Manqueer guy out there and how Howard thinks he can crush him by this summer. He said that Manqueer is finally starting to talk about him but he figures he'll be able to shut him up soon enough when he crushes him in the ratings. They had to go to break a short time later.
The guy wrote that his mother-in-law was listening to the show. His wife also heard it and then his step-daughter took Howard's advice and left the house. She went to the police station and stayed there all day. The guy says that he had to take some drastic measures and had to leave the house. Howard said the guy thinks that Howard would have the same problem as he was having if he had a hot step daughter running around his house. Howard said that guy was talking about wanting to kill his step daughter so that was kind if extreme.
Howard said that the guy was amazed by what Howard discovered about him when he was questioning him on the phone a couple of weeks ago. Howard said they were able to help that girl get out of the house and away from that guy so that's what counts.
Howard said that if the station got ratings with music, they wouldn't have needed him to begin with. The caller also said that they have a DJ down there that does a show from 10-2 after Howard's show and she breaks in and says something very sarcastically about the show running overtime. The guy says that they cut the show off as soon as they start doing the plugs and then another DJ breaks in and freaks out when they hear the call letters from K-Rock. The guy said that they were really kind of bad mouthing him when they were calling him kind of long winded and stuff. Howard said that some of this stuff doesn't sound all that negative to him but they also don't need people knocking the show down there.
The caller was saying that they have this guy Jack Carter down there and he wanted to tell some stories about him but Howard told the guy that he was getting kind of bored with the stories. The caller went on to tell a story about Jack Carter and how he was on that station down there telling stories about Frank Sinatra and stuff like that. He made a crack about Howard's movie during that conversation like there was no interest in it at all. Howard said that Jack Carter never had a decent career himself. He went off on him for a short time and also went off on the jealous DJs that are goofing on him.
Howard said he doesn't understand why people in his own industry bad mouth him when he's paving the way for them to do the same type of thing.
There were other suggestions from people like putting bleach on your fingers before you go to the test and then piss on them as you give your urine sample. The guy on the phone took the advice from John about drinking the vinegar and gulped down a full cup, 8 ounces, of Heinz white vinegar while he was on the phone. He almost vomited while he was doing it though. It sounded pretty nasty. John said his friend had used that idea to pass his drug test and it worked. After the guy on the phone had gulped down his cup of vinegar, John told him that his friend had watered it down before he drank it.
Howard said the guy might want to stay away from the pot next time instead of smoking it just a couple of weeks before his test. The guy tried drinking some milk so Howard told him that will negate the vinegar so now he has to drink more vinegar.
Howard said he heard that LSD can't be detected in drug tests. He didn't know that. Jackie was saying that acid passes through your system and then you get high but when you smoke pot, it stays in your system. Howard and the guys has no idea what Jackie was talking about, it made no sense to them at all. Jackie said that he was saying that acid isn't detectable in drug tests.
Steve Grillo came in and said that everyone was calling in and saying that they test for vinegar in your urine these days so even that won't work now. Jackie suggested that the guy just go and get on the unemployment line instead of trying to pass this drug test.
Howard got back to the Jackie thing and tried to figure out what he was talking about. He asked Jackie what he was saying. Jackie said that when you take acid, it just passes through your system and it's undetectable. Howard said there was something else he was saying that he wasn't saying this time. Fred said that there was something else he'd added earlier but he was leaving it out now.
The caller said that he'd call back and let them know how his drug test goes. He gave an ''F-Jackie'' before he got off the line. Howard let him go and figured that they could have had him doing just about anything. He had to go to break after that.
Howard tried to take a call from a guy who had another suggestion for the pot test but he wasn't there. Howard said he had another caller on the phone who claims to be a hermaphrodite. Howard said that means the person has a penis and a vagina. The person was on the line and said that it's definitely a real thing and he/she has a full working vagina and a penis and testicles. She said she has given birth to two children but she's also able to ejaculate through her penis. Howard wanted her to come in but wanted to know more about this whole thing and how it all works. She said that they all work on her.
Howard said that the doctor must have suggested cutting off the penis so she could be a woman. She said that her mother didn't know what to do about it when she was born so she just left it. She said that they had to knock her out with drugs when she was born because of all of this. She said it's not a funny thing to have when you're a child. Howard told her that if she had just had the penis and balls chopped off, she could have had a normal childhood.
The woman on the line said that she was attracted to females when she was growing up and in school. She said that she's never had sex using the penis though. She said that she had some trouble giving birth because of this problem. She had problems sitting straight for months after that. She said that she had some tendons ripped and torn when she gave birth.
Howard asked her if the penis is big. She said that it grows to full size at times. She said that it looks like a penis when it's not erect though. She said that her boyfriend discovered it one night when they were drinking and she told him that he was out of his mind. She said that her mother raised her not to look down there. She said that she can actually urinate from a couple of areas. Jackie said it must be like a sprinkler.
Howard asked her to come down there and pee for them. She said she'd be willing to do anything for them. Howard asked her how old she was when the boyfriend discovered the penis. She said she was 43. Howard said that this story sounded crazy.
Howard asked her if she wanted to come down so she can find a date. She said that she'd like to go out to dinner with Howard but he told her that's not going to happen. Howard told Gary to set her up to come in tomorrow and put her on hold.
Howard said that story sounded hard to believe but she seems to believe that it's true. Robin said that she was saying that it has kind of a turtle effect and it kind of hides when she's not excited. Howard said he got some pictures from a fan who claimed to be smaller than him but when he saw the pictures, he said it made him feel even worse because he's actually smaller than that guy.
Howard was saying that he still gets aroused during his sleep and wakes up with an erection. Jackie doesn't have that and gets up in the middle of the night without an erection. Jackie said that maybe he's like that because he doesn't have a lot to fill down there.
Howard mentioned that Robin was on a plane the other day and got to sit next to Cathy Lee Crosby who used to be on that show ''That's Incredible.'' Howard said she was the only Cathy Lee out there until Kathie Lee Gifford stole her name and started using it.
Howard said he remembers watching ''That's Incredible'' and seeing Cathy not wearing a bra. She claims that the producers asked her not to wear one so they'd get bigger ratings. The guys talked about some of the stuff they used to have on that show and how freaky they were. They had one guy on the show who had a second head growing out of the side of his head.
Howard said he had a lot of hermaphrodites calling in about that call they just had. One guy said that he has a hard time meeting people who are like him. Howard said that he should come in and they'll introduce him to this woman who's coming in tomorrow. The guy said he'd like to meet her. The guy said that he's from Peru and they didn't have the money to get it fixed when he was born.
Howard asked the guy when he knew that he had this problem. The guy said he realized it when he had vision. Howard said that's what he figured and can't imagine how that woman didn't know she had a penis until she was 43. The guy said that when he pees it just comes out of his penis. The vagina is secondary and nothing comes out of it.
The caller said that he's had sex with only two people in his life, one woman and one man. He said that the woman knew what he was but didn't believe him. He said that he prefers to use his penis more than the vagina though. Howard put the guy on hold and said that he's going to have to show him what he has down there. The guy said he would show him but no one else. The guy didn't want to be looked at as a freak. He said he might show Robin if she shows him her breasts. Howard put him on hold after that.
Howard said that her new book is called ''Let The Magic Begin.'' She came in a short time later. Howard got a hug from her when she came in. She said that they hadn't seen each other in 9 years. Howard didn't remember her doing the show though. She sounded kind of nervous in there. Howard asked her about the rumors that she was asked not to wear a bra on ''That's Incredible'' when she was doing that. She said that there was something called the ''nipple report'' back then about her.
Cathy said that she had a nightmare last night because of Howard. She said she was dreaming she was on a show selling Howard's movie and throwing in a plug for her book at the same time. Howard said he has a nightmare every day too, he wakes up and sees Fred and there he is.
Howard was going to read through some of the highlights in Cathy's book. She said she's also plugging a TV movie she did for the Family Channel. She quickly got in a plug for that and then Howard got back to the stuff she's written about in her book. He said she talks about how she once did a black guy. She also went to college with OJ Simpson.
Howard said it was interesting that she dated a black guy. He asked her if she ever dated Wilt Chamberlain. She told Howard that she doesn't wait in line for anyone. Howard said he never runs into people like her when he flies. Robin was lucky enough to have run into her on a flight and they had a good talk according to Cathy.
Howard asked Cathy about some of the notes he had about her. Howard quickly went through the list of stuff and said that she was doing great until she crashed. Her grandmother died at 93 and Howard figured that was a really long time. Cathy said that she really loved that woman though so it was very upsetting. Then she lost her parents and she also got Epstein Barr syndrome. She had a bunch of things happen to her all at once. She said that she really misses her grandmother to this day.
Howard said that he doesn't believe in this Epstein Barr thing and it's just exhaustion. Cathy said that it is a real thing and it's in everyone but it doesn't get activated in everyone. Howard read more of his notes about her and how her relationship with Joe Theismann came to an end. She ended up getting sued by Joe because she was worth so much money at the time. She didn't want to say how much she was wroth at the time.
Howard asked her to sit on his lap. Cathy said she did that on his show the first time she was on his show. She didn't even know who he was at the time though. She got back to the Joe Theismann story and said that he used to do some crazy stuff for her back then. She talked about that a little bit and then said that her current boyfriend, a doctor in Maui, is going to hear all of this and get upset.
Howard said that Cathy must have something in her pants that drives a man to distraction. He said that there are a lot of beautiful women out there but she must have something really special. He said he was looking at her hands wondering what she does with them. He asked how long she waits before she does something with a man like Joe. She wouldn't answer questions like that. She was telling Howard about the divorce and how messy that got.
Howard said that Cathy's father, Lou Crosby, was a radio pioneer so Howard figured that's why she's so taken with him. He read that her father was physically violent so he figured that she must be glad he's gone. She said that she learned to deal with it but it was very tough to get through, especially for a little girl. Howard said that some people might get turned on by spanking and stuff but Cathy said that she didn't want to make fun of that kind of stuff.
Howard said that Cathy was actually the first Wonder Woman and she walked away from that to do That's Incredible. They talked about the guy with two heads a little bit and how wild that was. Howard read through some notes about how Cathy met Joe and how she had to wait for him to leave his other wife. She had a lot of stories about the weird things she had to do over the years. She said she did this stuff because she loves men so much. Howard said he likes to hear that and loves women who love men so much.
Howard talked about Cathy dating a black man, who he figured out was Richard Roundtree, and said he tries to imagine what that must look like when they're having sex. That led to them talking about Cathy getting a kiss from OJ Simpson after she'd won a beauty pageant that he was hosting. Howard asked her if she thinks that he's innocent. She didn't seem to know how to answer that one. She said that she doesn't consider him her friend anymore. She said that she feels bad for the kids who have to lie with this stuff for the rest of their lives.
Howard wrapped up with Cathy and asked for a hug goodbye before he ended the segment. He gave her some more plugs for the stuff she was plugging today and then got his hug. He went to put his lips out and she turned away. She eventually gave him a kiss but Howard told her she has to put out more than that if she wants to come back on the show.
Jan said that they measure volume and flow of the lungs. Howard said that Jan has a hell of a ring on his finger and wondered where that came from. He figured it must be worth a fortune. Jan didn't have a lot to say about that but he did talk about the Medic-alert bracelet on. He said he keeled over at the age of 35 from a heart attack and he's been wearing this thing ever since then.
Howard cut Jan off and told him to just test Scott, that's what they wanted to find out about. He said that Scott is lucky that he hasn't had a heart attack at this point in his life. Jan asked Scott a few questions about his life and found out he's 44 years old, 6'1'' tall, 230 pounds and he smoked about 2 packs a day. Howard was shocked that he was 230 pounds.
After that he hooked Scott up to the equipment and asked him a few more questions about when and where he smokes. Scott said he waits about a half hour after he wakes up before he smokes. Scott said they don't even smoke inside the house, they go outside for that. Scott also said that his first cigarette of the morning is his favorite. Jan said he was looking at addiction levels by asking these questions. Jan asked him some more but Scott was trying to joke around with his answers. Howard told him not to do that, it just makes him sound dopey.
Jan asked Scott about the color of the mucus that he coughs up in the morning. Scott said that it was yellow but Howard didn't believe that at all. He said he knew that his mucus was brown when he was a smoker. Howard had Jan get to the test after he got Scott all hooked up to the equipment. He and Robin guessed at what his lungs were going to test at. Robin said that he's got to be at about 150 years old by now. Jan said that it should be at about 94 based on his estimates which he came up with after getting some information from Scott.
Scott wore a nose plug so his breath would only come out of his mouth. Jan then had Scott blow into a funnel-like device that measures the amount of air coming out of his lungs. The guy is like a coach. When he's ready for Scott to begin he yells ''In, in, in, in, in, in... go, go, go, faster, faster, faster...'' for Scott to fill up his lungs. Then he has him blow out for a certain amount of time.
Scott wasn't able to blow out enough and the computer didn't get a good reading. He said that he has to do a couple more tests to find out the real reading. Howard said that this is the only thing he enjoys more than going to Scores. He loves seeing Scott changing color.
Scott wasn't able to breathe out enough to get a reading on the test so Jan had to ask him to do another one. Scott said that he got dizzy blowing out on that last test. Howard said he was barely able to talk after that. Jan had him do one more test and told him to keep the funnel in his mouth and breathe in at the end. They finally got a reading and Jan said they got the first part but they have to do another one where they have him breathing in and out really fast. They did that test a short time later and Scott wasn't looking too good.
Jan got the results and laughed before he told Howard that Scott has the lung capacity of a 100 year old. Scott was actually happy with that because his last reading was 115. Jan was estimating 90 so he wasn't too far off. He had tested a guy the day before that had the lungs of a 143 year old. She was 73 years old though.
Howard couldn't believe that Scott was happy with that result. He said that Scott was actually happy and smiling with that result. He told him he's a jackass and did an impression of him. He tried taking some phone calls and had some trouble getting the callers on the line.
Robin told Howard he should take the test too so they could compare them to Scott's. Howard said he'd do it but Jan had to go through the questions first. Howard told him he's 43, 6'5'' tall and 198 pounds. Jan said he had to put him into the computer as a smoker just so they could get lung age. Howard then went over and took his test. Howard told Jan to give him the god damn test and said he'd never been that close to Jan before. He said he felt kind of different sitting there.
Howard had to put the nose clip on just like Scott had. Howard then did the test where he sucked in, blew out and then sucked in again. Jan said it didn't take that time so he had to do it again. Howard didn't understand how he wanted him to do it so he had to ask and then tried it again. He got it right that time. Jan checked and said that he had to do the in and out test. Howard did that, right next to the microphone, and said he couldn't see straight after that one. He said the machine freaked out on that one. Jan said he could tell that Howard really moved some air with that one.
Howard took a call and the guy told him that he's a fireman who takes the same test. He said that they all take it and they had one guy who had been on the job for 37 years and he's been in all kinds of fires and stuff and he was 65 years old. He tested at a 75 year old lung capacity. He's had all kinds of crap in his lungs and he still tested younger than Scott.
Jan gave Howard his test results and said that they may have to do it again. He said that he actually did worse than Scott. Howard's lung age was 123. Jan figured that he obstructed the port with his teeth. The fire fighter on the phone said that it's a very tough test. Jan told Howard to give it another try without the teeth this time. Howard went back over and gave it another try. He went through the first test again. Howard said he thinks there's something wrong with the test and he just doesn't know how to do it.
Howard said that Scott was all happy that he tested at 123. Howard said he obviously did the test wrong and that's why they came out like that. The results weren't coming in very quick so Howard had to take a break and wait for the results.
Jan said that they did calculate Scott at 94 so that was a pretty accurate result for him coming in at 100. Scott asked how long it would take for his lungs to get back to something more reasonable. Jan said it would probably come back very slowly if he did that. Howard wondered if he should even keep Scott on his Christmas list. Jan said it's very difficult to predict. He said that they could rebound a bit but not 100 percent. He said that he could clear all of the crap out if he stoped but it might take 10 years for his lungs to turn pink again.
Howard let Jan go a short time later and thanked him for coming in. They also played the Scott the Engineer theme song as he was leaving. Howard said he's kind of bummed that he has lungs that are his age when he figured they'd be younger.
Robin read through a bunch of stories while Howard and the guys goofed on each of them. Howard was talking about how Ellen Degeneres' show isn't doing so well with advertisers and it could have something to do with her just coming out of the closet recently. Robin was reading some other stories about some lesbian stuff and Howard wondered if all of the news was about lesbians. Robin said that she thought the audience liked lesbian stuff. Howard wasn't so sure about that.
Howard asked Robin if she thought Cathy Lee Crosby had implants or not. Robin wasn't sure about that. She later read a story about a court case where a judge found that there is a difference between men and women's breast so it's not legal for a woman to bare her breasts in public. She read through a bunch more stories and then they ended the show around 10:05am (Master Tape Theatre time).