Howard started off the show talking about how tired he was and then how much they had to do today. They're going to have Sal and his wife talk to Dr. Keith Ablow about their relationship. Sarah Silverman is going to be coming in as well. Howard said that she's very controversial right now.
Howard said that the Mets fans are really upset about them choking over the weekend. He said that they have pictures of little kids crying on the cover of the newspaper. Howard said that maybe they really are gay and he asked Gary about that this morning. Gary went off on him about that so he had to tell him he was kidding.
Gary came in and said that the Mets loss effected his whole weekend. He was out in Las Vegas and said that he didn't think they could suck this long, this often. Scott Ferrall's producer called him and asked to talk to him while they were playing so he did that.
Gary said he was watching a football game on his way home and saw the score of the game in the first inning. It was 7-0 and they were already losing. He talked about watching the Jets losing too and how nothing went right for him yesterday. He's involved in a fantasy football pool and because Pennington sucked, that means his fantasy pool sucks.
Gary said he started listening to the guys on the radio talking about the Mets loss and then got home to have a moment with his son who is also a Mets fan. Howard asked Gary why he raised his son to be a Mets fan because he's always going to be let down. Artie was goofing on Gary a little bit since he's not a Mets fan himself. He said he's been looking forward to this all season.
Gary said that he had playoff tickets ready to buy if the Mets had gone to the playoffs. Artie said that they were up by 7 games with just 17 left but they ended up blowing that. Artie said that they didn't even get a wild card. They blew everything this season. Howard asked Gary what's wrong with that team. Artie interrupted and said there are a lot of worse teams out there. Gary then explained how one of the guys didn't show up for all of September and made errors that you wouldn't believe.
Gary told Howard more about the stuff that went wrong with the Mets and why they failed this season. Howard asked Gary why he didn't teach his son chess instead of having him play football and stuff. Gary said that Howard will never understand that. He said that he never played a team sport when he was growing up. Howard said that he did play softball and basketball with his friends though. Gary said that's not the same as playing organized sports. Gary also said that he never played chess himself. Howard said that it's a very intellectual thing to do and that might be better than playing sports.
Howard and Gary went back and forth on the sports thing and Gary seems to think that Howard will never understand why kids play in organized sports like that. Howard said that he would never put his kids into football because it's so dangerous. He said his friend Dr. Lou has water on the knee from playing football in high school. Robin said that the kids playing football now are coming out of the sport with more injuries than ever.
Artie said that he played football in school and he has friends who played who are banged up pretty good but got out before they got hurt even more. Howard said that his friend Dr. Lou tells him that he wishes he had played games like tennis and stuff like that instead of football. Gary said that he's not sure that his son is going to play football past this year so he can't tell him to stop doing something he enjoys. Howard told Gary that he should encourage him not to play football and maybe suggest something else.
Artie said football is fun to play. Howard agreed but said that it is dangerous and can damage your body. He took a call from a guy who was choking for Gary and the Mets. That guy also asked Robin if she wanted to get in on that because she's goofed on the Mets quite a bit in the past couple of months. Robin didn't want to do it though and told the guy they choked enough on their own.
Howard and Robin talked about how the teams change from year to year. Robin said that it's hard to follow a team that changes so much from year to year. Gary said that's always happened. Artie said that the free agency thing is what pushed it in that direction but that was a natural progression for the sport.
Howard asked if the emotional friend was going to show up and Artie started to do his impression that he was doing last week. He does the emotional friend voice as Henry Hill. He cracks jokes and does his Henry Hill laugh after telling the jokes. Howard had him going for a couple of minutes and Artie had Howard cracking up at the stuff he was saying.
Artie was goofing on some of the stuff that Sal does while his wife stays home and talks to her emotional friend as he was doing this impression. Howard kept him going and figured he had to stop at some point. He was laughing quite a bit during that segment. Howard said that Sal is in his office pasting ''Mets Suck'' signs in Gary's office while that is going on.
The caller that was on the line started to sing the song about Beth that the guy sent in for Howard last week. Howard said he got a lot of feedback about that and people thought he was singing it on his own, they didn't know that it was a song that someone sent in for him to sing. He said they just missed the whole joke.
Howard said the fans loved the ''traction'' bit that they did last week with Sal. He read through some of the feedback about that. He said one guy wrote in and said that he was ''palled'' by what they did to Sal during that segment. He threw in a few other words that he'd cut the first letter from. Howard said the guy put a lot of thought into that one and he had to get that one on the air.
The caller on the line had requested a song so Fred played that for him. It was a song parody using clips of Andrew Dice Clay that was only played on the show one time. The caller also started to sing the song that Howard was singing last week. He knew the lyrics better than Howard did.
The caller also brought up the arguments that Jason was having with Sal last week. Howard said that he got a lot of feedback about that. He read through a couple of those and then some mail about the Wendy the Retard discussions they had last week. The story about her shitting herself in the bowling alley bathroom were great. Howard said that someone suggested that he lay off Jimmy Kimmel and not accuse him of ripping him off. He said that he wasn't saying that Jimmy rips him off. He just said that his show looks like it's been influenced by his show.
Howard said he got a lot of letters about Valentina Vaughn's appearance last week. He read through those and a bunch of them were very positive but then there were some people who thought the whole thing was boring. It was a woman who was talking about how boring it was. She said that Valentina's face was ''busted'' and she wasn't the hottest chick they've had in the studio. There was another person who called her a boring cunt.'' Artie said that she's really one of the most sultry and sexy chicks they've had in there. He said that maybe you just have to be in the same room with her.
Scott said that he used to wake up with boners but not every day. Howard said he wakes up every morning with one. Scott said that he's sure it still works but he hasn't gotten one since the hernia operation. Howard said that maybe they should stick an intern in his studio and maybe that will help him get it up.
Howard did his Scott impression and then told the caller that Scott seems to be doing okay. Scott said that Howard called him last night and he was kind of in shock because he's never really called him. Howard said that Scott seems to be angry at him for calling him. Scott said it's just a shock because in the past 22 years he's never called him like that before. He thought it might have been Sal goofing on him or something.
Ralph said he knows what the writers are saying about Valentina Vaughn not being the hottest chick. He said she's okay but not all that hot. Howard said that they like her so it doesn't matter. He hung up on Ralph and took another call. The caller said that he saw an interview that Beth did and she really seems to love Howard. He also asked if Howard had seen the season premiere of Smallville. Howard said he did and he liked it. Robin said that they have good season premiere's and season finales on that show.
Howard said he's having second thoughts on the Bionic Woman premiere. He said that he will watch it again and check out some more of the show this season. He said that there were some good arguments about the season premiere not being all that great but he did like watching it so he'll watch more.
Artie said that Ralph has officially paid him back the $300 he loaned him. Howard said that Ralph told him that he did that because he liked his emotional friend impression so much.
Robin asked Howard what he thought about the Heroes season premiere. Howard said that he doesn't like the time travel thing and he just doesn't give a shit about that stuff. He said he's hoping that the show doesn't turn into a piece of shit with that story line.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that the reviews for the new Van Halen tour are very positive. Howard said that they are saying it's great and maybe they're tweaking stuff behind the scenes. The caller said that he saw the raw footage of them playing and it was great.
Howard said that the Valentina Vaughn pictures last week crashed his web site and that doesn't happen often. Ralph called back in and said that the Bionic Woman wasn't produced by the same people who did Battlestar Galactica, there's just one guy who worked on that show who produced it. He also said that the Smallville show was really bad this week. He didn't like what they were doing on that show. He told Howard to check out the show ''Life'' but Howard hung up on him in the middle of that.
Howard heard that Artie brought a hot, hot chick to the Bruce concert. Artie said that he has a new friend that's really just a friend. She's engaged to a guy and he's friendly with both. He said he likes walking around with her. Howard figured that out and figures that he probably pretends that she's his girlfriend.
Artie said he met these two at a comedy show and talked about them on the show after that day. He said that she's one of the hottest chicks ever. They were up visiting in the city and Artie took the chick to the concert because the dude was out doing something else.
Howard wanted to talk some sense to Artie. He asked him why he was torturing himself. Artie said he's not but Gary said he thinks he is too. Artie said that he met the chick and her fiancé the same night and that's it. Howard told him that this is like an emotional friend thing. Artie started to do a little of the emotional friend voice and goofed on himself a little bit.
Artie said that it's very complicated because the chick has two kids and they live in Miami. He said that she's not giving him any signals or anything that something could happen. He said that he's friendly with both of them. He said that he did take a picture with her at the concert and just putting his arm around her made him nuts. Howard said he thinks that he's being less than honest about this whole thing.
Howard said that Jim gave some details about their date on Miserable Men last night. He played some of the audio from that show. Robin didn't sound so thrilled about the whole thing. Jim gave a few details about the date and said that it really wasn't that big of a deal.
Howard said that it seems like Robin is hitting on a bunch of people lately and one of them was Gregg from Howard TV. He played a clip of her talking to Gregg out in the hall there and she was suggesting that Gregg ask her out to lunch or dinner. She was laughing as she was saying it and said that she was just playing the diversion game to get him off track. Howard said that she seems to be awakened sexually like he's never seen before. Robin gave him an ''Oh please!'' when he said that.
Howard said that Jerry O'Connell is going to be there tomorrow. Robin said that he just married Rebecca Romijn. Artie said ''No, he's the actor from Sliders!'' in a very effeminate voice. He wondered if he had the show right. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard said that he was going through his Christmas list and thinking about how big it's gotten over the years. They used to just give stuff to each other in the studio. He said that Gary came to him and said that he was going nuts just for 21 people. Howard's list has gotten huge over the years and he has to buy for thousands. He said it's not really thousands but it seems like that. Fred said that he's even going nuts over it because the family has grown so big there.
Howard said he has an idea for this holiday season. He said that they all have to agree that Scott the Engineer is off their lists. They all agreed to that. Howard said that they should take everyone, the news department, interns, Scott the Engineer, the office workers, everyone. They take everyone's name, they all pull a name out of the bag and whoever you get, you have to buy for that person. He said that would make things much easier. Artie said that Howard is still going to be fucked though. Howard said he doesn't care because it's gotten out of hand. He said he doesn't know what to buy for everyone anymore and he doesn't want people struggling over what to buy him.
Gary said he already bought something for Howard and now he can move that to his birthday instead. Howard said that they have to stick to this plan and do this secret Santa thing. Howard asked if anyone objected to that. Artie said that the worst scenario is that if Scott the Engineer has to buy a gift for Howard and the person buying for him is JD. Everyone was behind the idea. Gary said he does have some reservations about this but they have to get to the Dr. Keith Ablow thing. Howard said that this is the official thing, everyone gets a gift for one person. He said that there are too many people getting insulted and that has to stop.
Gary asked Howard if he thinks that the Howard 100 News department is going to single Howard out and say that he should be buying everyone something. Howard doesn't care. Robin said that means that she may be buying a gift for someone she doesn't even know. Howard said that's right and that's what everyone should do at work. He said that everyone gets their feelings hurt every year and that has to stop.
Howard had Gary bring in Sal and Christine. He first spoke to Christine about how beautiful she is and how everyone is shocked that Sal got her in the first place. He said that's no bullshit and she knows it. Howard asked Christine about this emotional friend and how they met. She said that they're just friends, but not even that anymore, and that was it. Howard wanted to know more about this friend and what it was that Sal was not doing that drove her to the friend. Sal explained how he was bringing all of his tension from work home with him.
Howard told Christine that he doesn't think that she's in love with him anymore. He said that he believes that she's going to hang in there for the kids and she'd rather run off with some other man. She said that she's in love with him and she wouldn't be there if she wasn't. Howard said he doesn't believe that she enjoys having sex with him and wondered if she thinks about running off with other men.
Howard asked Christine about this 143 (I Love You) thing and how she writes that to a man if she's not fucking him. She said that he was having a bad day and she was trying to cheer him up by letting him know that she really cares about him. She said that they're just friends though. They never met outside of work or anything like that. She swore to god on the life of her children that she never met him outside of work. She said that he has met her kids before because she works with the guy and she has brought them to work with her.
Howard said that she must have realized that she was becoming very close to this guy because she was writing 143 to the guy. She said she never hid the relationship or anything like that but Sal said that's not true. He went through the records and found that she was in contact with him about 30 times a day with him. She used to lock her phone and she'd hide the phone from him so he wouldn't see what she was up to.
Sal said that there were like 30 phone calls a day and they were all to him. Christine said that she talks to a lot of her friends during the day and this wasn't that big of a deal.
Dr. Keith said that this lockdown thing that Sal was talking about is still out there. He said that she was on lockdown with her phone and she seems to be on lockdown with these stories. He asked her if she ever fantasizes about other men. She said earlier she never does so Dr. Keith asked if she really only thinks about Sal. She said ''I guess...'' Dr. Keith said that if you lock yourself down, that will keep you from moving on from where they're at now.
Howard asked Sal about this 30 times a day thing. Sal said that telling someone you love them is really going a little far. Howard agreed and said that the 143 thing would end it for him if he saw Beth doing something like that with another guy. Dr. Keith said he doesn't believe that would end it with Howard and Beth.
Dr. Keith asked Sal what the problems were in the relationship before this emotional friend thing came about. Sal said that Christine would tell him that she was tired of him working all the time and not spending time with her and the kids when he was home. Sal said he was taking her for granted and he saw that and he's tried to be better about that.
Christine said that Sal was trying to be better in the beginning but he's back to being his crabby self these days. Dr. Keith said that Sal seems to be trying to be there for her and he seems to want to keep the marriage going. Sal said ''you better believe it.'' He's still sexually frustrated though. Howard asked Christine about that and she was saying that they can't believe everything that he says. She said that's just his version of this. Howard asked her what her version of it is.
Christine said that Sal was going to strip clubs and peep shows and stuff and doesn't talk about it. She said that he made fun of her on the air for 2 years and it hurt her. Sal said he didn't see that at first but then he saw that he was taking her for granted.
Christine said that her friends are forbidden from telling her about anything that happens on the show by Sal. She said that she doesn't know why they have to hide it from her when she can go on the internet and read about it. She doesn't get why Sal stops her friends from telling her what happened. Sal said that's because what people perceive happening isn't always the way things go down on the show. He said that when he goes home he doesn't want to hear about it and discuss it.
Sal said that he cut the wire for the SIRIUS radio at home because he doesn't want his wife hearing the show. He said that it's entertainment and he doesn't want to discuss what he does when he goes home. This isn't a serious thing he does there and he doesn't want her yelling at him for putting chocolate on his balls and dipping them in someone's mouth. He said he wants to put it away when he goes home and not keep talking about it.
Dr. Ablow asked if Sal would remain at a distance with her when he'd go home. She said he used to come home and go straight to work on the computer. She said she wanted him to spend time with his family instead. She said that it hurt and it was rude to her. Dr. Ablow asked her if this other friend filled a void she had in her life. She said that she has a lot of friends that she talks to and some of them are men. Sal said that there are a bunch of guys who thought that they were that emotional friend when he talked about him on the show. She does talk to a lot of guys but this one friend wasn't the one that Sal knew about.
Dr. Ablow asked Sal if he thinks that Christine is tough to get to emotionally. Sal said that she did seem to shut the doors off to him emotionally and he knows that it's going to take a long time to open them up again. He said he knows that he was to blame to a certain extent but not completely. He said that she seems to think that this is a game to him too. He said that it's very hard for her to open up about this whole thing. He said that she was the one who used to open up to him all the time and now the roles have reversed. He said that he's the one trying to be that way and he's not getting it in return. She started laughing as he was breaking down and almost in tears. Robin asked how she could laugh at a moment like this. Artie said that she's laughing because this is hilarious.
Dr. Ablow said that this isn't one person's fault. He tried digging in and finding out what the root of the problem was. Sal said that she said something to him recently about how she didn't want to be like her parents. Dr. Ablow asked her to talk about that but she didn't want to talk about her parents on the air with so many people listening. Dr. Ablow tried to get her into that but she said she didn't think it was fair for them to talk about her parents without them even knowing about it.
Sal tried to help by talking a little bit about how her parents don't get along all that well now that they've gotten older. Dr. Ablow tried helping and asked her how it felt to grow up in a house where her parents were kind of estranged. He was assuming that's what she was saying. She said that she really never thought that she could stay in a relationship like that if she was in one and that's not what she wants in her life. Dr. Ablow said that this whole thing may have had to have happened for Sal to realize that he still loves her.
Howard asked Christine why she gave up the relationship with that friend if it was so innocent. She said that Sal gave her no choice. She said that she would have liked to have stayed in touch with him because they were friends. She said that anyone who knows Sal would know that if any conversation doesn't pertain to him, he doesn't listen. She said that everyone who knows him knows that's the case. Dr. Ablow said that she picked him though. She should know that's the way he is. He figured that both of them have something in common with their parents being kind of estranged.
Dr. Ablow was asking Sal a question and he threw out a joke about her unzipping his pants. Christine was annoyed by that and said that she hates those little comments. She was very annoyed with those jokes being in her life constantly. Dr. Ablow asked how much arguing was going on in her life as she grew up. She didn't know and said that Sal knows what it was like. Sal tried to explain it so Howard asked Christine if she thinks that this is going to get any better. Christine said ''I don't know, that's the truth.''
Sal said that he heard Christine telling a friend about marriage and how people eventually just settle after going through all of this stuff. Howard asked Christine if she thinks that she'd be with Sal if they didn't have kids. She said ''I don't know.'' She said that she doesn't want that life of two people just co-existing in a house like her parents. Dr. Ablow said that she may have married Sal because she knew that he would do this to her eventually and that's because it's a life she knew already.
Sal said that his wife will go to these friend parties where they sell sex toys and she will never buy anything. Howard asked Christine if she thinks about other men when she masturbates. She said that she never does that. Sal mumbled something about that being bullshit. Howard asked everyone in the studio if they think about other people when they masturbate. Everyone does. Howard said that Christine has to masturbate but she said that she doesn't. Dr. Keith believed her but Howard didn't.
Dr. Keith talked about this sexual thing and how she really is in lockdown in her life and she's emotionally locked out from Sal. He doesn't think that she's ever even tried to go back to where she was with Sal. Dr. Keith said that she's so scared that she has to push Sal back. She was laughing again at all of this stuff so Howard asked her why she was being like that. She was laughing at Sal when everyone else was ready to cry. Christine said that she thought this was all funny, that's why she was laughing. Dr. Keith said that she has to laugh to get through that emotional stuff.
Dr. Keith didn't think that Christine was even that close to this guy that she was e-mailing. She's so detached that she has to e-mail and not even talk to the guy. Sal said that he tried texting her and e-mailing her when this all went down trying to get closer to her. That didn't work.
Sal said that he worked hard all weekend out in Cleveland and Chicago and then he got home last night. He said that his kids came to meet him at the door and she stayed in the computer room. He thought that she should have gotten up from the computer to greet him but she thought he was blowing it out of proportion. Christine said that Sal was in the house for how long before he said that. Sal said he walked in the house and down the hall and she never even got up to see him. Sal said he couldn't wait to see his wife and he envisioned her coming up to him. She was laughing at him again at this point. Sal was on the verge of tears.
Dr. Keith said that this is all a question of how much love you have in your heart and how much you're willing to do to get that back. Christine was laughing at Dr. Keith as he was talking about this stuff. Sal said he's tried really hard to make this work but he can't seem to crack his wife. He said he gets mixed signals from his wife but he'd like to see it. Dr. Keith asked him how he knows that she loves him. He said that they've been through a lot of stuff and they did have a good life for a long time. He said they've veered apart over the years though.
Howard wanted Sal to tell them how he knew that she loved him. Sal said that he thinks that she would leave him if she really didn't love him. Dr. Keith said that he should know now that the woman he chose is having trouble feeling and expressing what she feels in her heart. He said he doesn't think that this is all Sal's fault and he's not to blame for the whole thing. Christine said that she is there this morning for Sal, that must show something. Dr. Keith said that the question is if she can take the chance again and try to go back to where they were.
Christine said that Sal will continue to abuse that love for her by making those stupid jokes of his. Dr. Keith said he likes that she's sharing Sal's water. He said that's something. Christine went on to say that she's a mother already and she doesn't want Sal talking about her on the air and making fun of her in front of people.
Christine said that Sal is saying these things about her on TV and wondered why he embarrasses her and humiliates her. He said that he does that to make himself feel comfortable. She said that stuff hurts her though.
Dr. Keith asked Sal about his childhood. Sal said it was pretty bad and then told him about his father going to a hair dresser and making out with another woman, who wasn't his mother, and then told him to keep his mouth shut. He said that he also met his half-brother when he'd died. He said that he didn't know he had another brother until he was brought to the guy's funeral. His father was very detached according to Sal and he said that it was a very messed up childhood. He was getting into some heavy stuff so Howard told Christine that this would be a good time to laugh.
Howard asked them why they stopped therapy. Sal said he thinks that it was that they didn't like the therapist. Howard and Dr. Keith were also suggesting that Christine take Sal's hand and tell him that he's making fun of her when she does that stuff and maybe he'll see what he's doing to her. Dr. Keith said that both of them seem to be leading double lives. They could possibly heal each other if they work together to do that and put an end to their living their parent's lives.
Sal threw out another joke that was something that Christine might take wrong so Howard pointed it out to him. Christine then joked about it herself. Artie got on the megaphone and started to goof on that whole thing by asking her some questions and saying that he has to call in 29 more times. Howard was going to take some phone calls but Artie wasn't letting up with the emotional friend impression.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that Dr. Ablow is right on point and asked Christine if she wanted to avoid all of that stuff in her life. Of course she did. Dominic said that they both picked each other but they're not equipped to fix their problems and he wondered if they could ever be equipped to do such a thing. Howard said that Christine is closed off and Sal is closed off too so maybe they never can get to that point where they can fix this relationship.
Howard asked if they're doomed to play out this whole thing that their parents played out for the rest of their life. Dr. Ablow said ''No'' and explained how they can get past this and change their marriage for the better. Artie did some more of his emotional friend thing and had Christine laughing.
Howard asked Sal and Christine if they really want to try to fix this. Sal said that he loves Christine and he wants to make this work. He said that he will always love her. Howard asked him what it is about her that he loves. He said that she's beautiful, she's got a great body, she's a great mother... Artie interrupted with more of his emotional friend thing and put and end to that.
Howard took some phone calls and a guy told them they had guts to do something like this on the air. He said he thinks that they can change things and make it better. He said that they have to keep going to therapy though. Dr. Ablow said that part of what Sal loves about Christine is what she went through in her life and her pain. Bobo called in and said that he doesn't see a serious side to Christine and she must be laughing because she's so nervous about everything. Artie broke into his emotional friend thing again and goofed on the whole thing again.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that he wanted to talk shit about the show but it turned out to be a good show. Sal asked the guy what he would do if his wife had an emotional friend. He said he wouldn't allow it.
Howard asked Sal who he loves more, him or his wife. Sal said that was ridiculous to ask, it was obvious after the crying and stuff that he obviously loves him more than his wife. He was joking about that. Christine said that Sal was this person even when she met him but now it's magnified even more because he's on the show and all.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked what kind of panties Christine was wearing. Howard said he was wondering the same thing but when he asked her about them, she said she wasn't going to say. Howard gave Dr. Ablow a plug for his book ''Living the Truth: Transform Your Life Through the Power of Insight and Honesty'' and then took some more phone calls.
Ralph called in and asked about this relationship and if Dr. Ablow thinks that this could work out. Dr. Ablow said that he doesn't think that Sal should keep Christine from talking to that friend. Sal asked him if he's out of his fucking mind when he said that. He said that he once asked her if she thought she could have gone into something more than a friendship if he hadn't stopped her from doing it. She said yes. Sal said that he did let her go back to talking to the guy for a while but then they started doing it in private again and he had to cut that off. He said that she did have a talk with the guy and cut things off but then they got back into it and started talking again in private.
Christine said that she doesn't check Sal's e-mail and phone but he feels free to do that with her stuff. Dr. Ablow said that this guy didn't ruin the relationship, he was an innocent bystander. He said that Sal shouldn't want to be her policeman and stop her from doing this stuff. Howard said that Dr. Ablow makes a good point. He said that when he started dating Beth, he told her that she should do what she wants to do. He didn't want to tell her what to do. She just never had the desire to go talk to her ex-boyfriends and people like that.
Howard asked Sal what he thinks he's doing by stopping her from talking to this guy. If he cuts her off, she may just pine away for him and want him even more, if she's actually in love with the guy or something. He asked her if she misses talking to the guy. She said she does and she's said that already.
The guys said that they think that Sal should let her talk to the guy. Sal said that she might as well blow him in front of him then. Howard asked what people are supposed to do if they don't have money for a therapist. Dr. Ablow said that they have to look into their own backgrounds and try to figure out the secrets of what went on in their lives. He suggested buying his book too.
Howard asked Christine if she's ever thought about what her life would have been like without Sal. She said that she has thought about what it would be like to have someone who loves her and is her best friend and doesn't want to hurt her. Sal said that this humiliation stuff just seems to have sprouted out of nowhere. Dr. Ablow tried to talk to Sal about that but Sal wouldn't let him talk. He has his own thoughts on what men want and why the guy wants to be friends with his wife.
Dr. Keith was saying that this 143 guy really shouldn't matter. Sal said that he thinks that they're getting along better now and things are going okay. He said he did put his head on her chest last night and she asked him to take it off because it felt like a boulder. The guys suggested that Sal go out with Christine shopping at Bloomingdales or something. Sal said that she does that on her own behind his back already so he doesn't need to do that.
Dr. Keith said that Sal should get Christine a necklace that says 143 on it and even get her a sexy dress and send her out to a bar and flirt with men. Howard asked Sal and Christine if they want to keep doing therapy with Dr. Ablow. Sal said no and said that he thinks that they're doing okay as it is. Christine wanted to continue with this off the air. Sal said he would do that, he didn't mean to say no earlier. He thought they were talking about doing more on the air.
Howard wrapped up with everyone and gave Dr. Keith another plug for his book. Sal had some advice for the young couples out there. He said that if you have those feelings and you feel you're in love, reach down deep inside and don't get married. He said that doesn't mean that he's not happy in his marriage. He said that marriage is just not good. He suggested that the kids out there stay in love, just don't get married. Howard said that Sal is going to continue to humiliate his wife in a marriage just like his father did. He said that all of the anger is coming out all of a sudden and he's basically saying that guys shouldn't settle down with women and they should just go out and bang. Sal said he wasn't just saying that to guys, he was saying that to everyone.
Howard and the guys told Sal that he was basically saying that his marriage was a disaster and he didn't think that anyone else should do it. Sal said that he loves his wife and wants a good marriage but it's really tough and it's not easy to have a good marriage. Howard wrapped up and said he had to break. He got in a plug for the movie ''Heartbreak Kid'' which was a sponsor of the segment.
Howard was about to go to break but Robin was asking Sal about his crazy comments that he'd just made. Sal said that his father always told him not to get married. The guys figured that he was trying to be just like him. Sal said that wasn't the case. He said that people out there shouldn't jump into marriage, they should let it go on for an extra 5 years and see how it goes. Sal was all over the place with his comments and wouldn't admit that he regretted getting married. He said that if he had gone an extra 5 years himself, he still would have gotten married. If it was 10 years, maybe not.
Howard asked Dr. Ablow if he thinks that this marriage will last. Dr. Ablow said he thinks it could but Fred played Taps as he was saying that. Howard tried to end it again but Dominic Barbara called back in and asked Sal if he wanted to apologize to his wife for something he'd just said. Howard took a couple of phone calls after that and one guy went off on Christine saying that she sounds like a cunt today. Artie threw in a couple more emotional friend comments and then Howard went to commercial.
Howard said that Artie said something to him during the commercial about how it's a comedian's dream to go out on stage and goof on a Britney Spears or a Paris Hilton when they're in the audience. She got to goof on Paris Hilton the night she was going to prison. Howard asked her if she was writing lines when she found out. Sarah said that she doesn't usually talk about people but she had to do that at that show. She said she had to come up with something about her going to jail but she didn't know she was going to be in the audience until the last minute.
Howard said that Britney Spears is claiming that she blew her performance that night because of the stuff she knew Sarah was going to say about her. She said that Britney didn't know what she was going to say about her so that's a lie. Sarah said that it's much different when she's doing that kind of thing compared to a regular roast where they do it in a loving way.
Sarah talked about how the audience went nuts just when she did the set up for the Paris Hilton joke. She said that's what made Paris get upset, it was the audience cheering over the fact that she was going to jail. Robin asked Sarah about that and how she made another joke about Paris at the VMA awards. She said she was giving her a chance to show she had a sense of humor and laugh at herself.
Artie said that those VMA awards are tough to do comedy at so you have to do harsh jokes to get their attention. They talked about some jokes that Chris Rock did at the VMAs and how he was never asked back. He did get to do the Oscars though. Sarah said that she was put on directly after Britney Spears so she couldn't help but do jokes about her.
Howard asked Sarah if she thinks that the end of TV is near when they put someone like Ryan Seacrest a job hosting the Emmys. She said that it actually gives her hope for the future because now the show has somewhere to go from there. She thought he did a good job in a Dick Clark type of way.
Howard said that Sarah was mistaken for Melissa Rivers recently and she was offended by that. Sarah said that wasn't nice to say that she was upset about it. She said that Melissa is a lovely woman and she wasn't offended by it, she just pointed out that they were wrong. Sarah went on to say that Robin is looking wonderful lately and she's glowing and wonderful. She congratulated her on the Jimmy Florentine thing. She said that she's known Jim for a long time. She said that Jim used to have long hair back when he was known as Jammin Jim. Howard asked her if she's ever had sex with him. She said she never did.
Sarah said that she knows that she's very Jewy but she's curious to know what Richard Christy's balls smell like. She said she wants a foot away but she is curious about how bad they smell. Howard asked Richard to come in, this was great. She said she wants that one foot buffer from him though. Sarah told him that she likes Richard's new hair cut. She was also impressed that he was in the band Death.
Richard said that he showered last night so his balls probably weren't that smelly. He said they'd be funky by Wednesday or so. She's in town until then so she'll stop by again on Wednesday before she does The view to take a whiff. She said she's very curious to know what they smell like.
Richard is going to be taking some karate classes and taking shits over the next couple of days and he won't be showering. That will lead to quite a stink down there. That led to Sarah asking Richard how he wipes, front to back or back to front. Richard said he wipes toward the balls so that's one problem. Howard explained how he wipes and how much he goes through to get clean down there. He said that he uses baby wipes until he's completely clean back there. He doesn't want to stink back there at all so he does as much as possible with baby wipes to make sure he's clean.
Sarah said that she rarely goes and doesn't have to clean up like that. She said that she's like Beth who only craps like once every two weeks. Artie said every girl he dated in Jersey shit like 4 times a day. He doesn't know how these chicks don't shit.
Sarah said that she just wants to know what this smell of Richard's balls is like. She said they're always talking about it. She said it's like when you want to smell bad milk. She wants to know if it smells like shit or like sour milk. She also suggested that they have Sal smell them and write down a description to see if it matches her description.
Howard asked Sarah if she heard the Sal and Christine thing. She said she did and she thinks that they have a dynamic that works for them. Howard said that everyone is walking around analyzing their relationship now so it must have been a good segment.
Artie brought up how Sarah smokes pot and that led to her talking about how she doesn't sell that stuff, she shared a joint with Teddy at the Playboy mansion. She said that she's been to the mansion before and they have the best haunted house there. She said that she loves being around those hot chicks there. Sarah said that she's been there with Jimmy Kimmel and he's really not into those chicks because they wouldn't have been into him in high school.
Sarah said that the girls that were at the mansion the last time she was there were like whores from the Bunny Ranch. She said they had pancake tits and they were auctioning off weird trips and stuff. Sarah also talked about how she smoked pot with Teddy, Artie's assistant, who Artie says has a crush on her. He said he didn't mean to say that she was dealing there at the party. Sarah said that she doesn't think that anyone has a crush on her but Artie said that Teddy does. He said they were hired to do some work there and Teddy was bothering Sarah. He said that he shouldn't have been bothering her about that kind of stuff.
Artie talked about how he had the worst set of his life at that party and ripped his pants. He also saw that the audience was all flirting with the waitresses there. They talked about Teddy smoking weed with Sarah and she said that she was just bonding with him, she wasn't dealing or anything like that.
Ralph called in the middle of the conversation about the whores that were at the mansion. Sarah said she took a picture with one chick who had flat tits and they looked like they were chewed on. Ralph said that Sarah is hot and she's got a good personality and she's too hot for Jimmy Kimmel. He also said that she kind of crapped out on the Melissa Rivers thing. He said that she was insulted by that but she's not insulted by goofing on Paris Hilton and Britney Spears. Sarah said that she and Melissa do have a similar simian look.
Howard asked Sarah if she met Angelina Jolie somewhere. Sarah said that they were sitting around writing stuff for her show and then got sidetracked and talked about some of that stuff and seemed to forget about the Angelina stuff. Howard gave her some plugs for her show and for a show she's doing at Carnegie Hall on November 7th. Sarah said that should be fun. You can find out more about that at NYComedyFestival.com.
Sarah got back to her story about meeting Angelina Jolie. She said that they were in a meeting room writing when they saw her come out of a bathroom on the set there where they work. They all went outside to write after that and then her dog ran over to Angelina and then she came over to say hello to her. She said that she was rally nice and star struck which she rarely gets. She said her lips looked like a perfect vagina and she kind of intimated that if she had something funny to do on her show, she'd do it. Sarah said that she doesn't think that would ever happen but she'd like to put her in the show not playing herself.
Howard talked to Sarah about adopting a kid and how she's like to adopt a Chinese kid or something like that. She said that she'd probably just pick one up off of CraigsList. Howard took a call from a guy who told Sarah that her last Stand-up DVD was really good and wondered if she's going to tape this new one. Howard said that she really is a funny stand-up and he saw her one night. The caller also asked Howard to play Sarah's jokes from the award shows since he hadn't heard them yet. Howard said he could do that so Gary found them filled Howard in on where they were at on his computer. Howard played the clips where Sarah goofed on Britney Spears on the MTV Video Music Awards.
Howard asked Sarah what it's like to be on stage at one of those shows. Sarah said that they light up the audience really bright because they do shoot them. She's not just looking off into the black. Howard played the Paris Hilton jokes that Sarah did at another show.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that there's a report that says Sarah is 50 years old. She thought that was funny, she's only 36. Another guy, Dr. Jules, said that he lost his virginity to Sarah's sister who eventually became a Rabbi. Howard asked Sarah if that sister is upset with the kind of career she's had. Sarah said that she wasn't all that religious herself so she doesn't know this Yom Kippur thing. She said her sister would call her for that to apologize for stuff and tell her that she was sorry for being cunty that year and stuff like that.
A caller told Howard he can't believe that he's been wiping his ass in the wrong way all of these years. Howard said his mother just never taught him the right way. Another guy asked Sarah to talk about how she eats her pot because she'd referenced that earlier. Sarah said that she puts it in olive oil and simmers it for a while so she can do just about anything she wants to. She doesn't do that often when she's working. She only does it when she's on vacation.
Artie said that back in about 1995 someone gave him a pot brownie and they told him that it was actually from Sarah. She said that's possible. The caller had also asked about the smell of Jimmy's balls. She said that it was kind of the smell of Vanilla apricot with a hint of hamburger. She said that he's always clean and showered when she's with him.
Ralph called in again and said that Sarah's sister, who is in show business, isn't nearly as hot as Sarah is. Ralph also talked about how great pot brownies are. That led to the guys talking about medical marijuana being legal out in California. Ralph went on a little too long so Howard had to cut him off.
A woman called in and said that she went to college with Sarah and she loves that she's still the same person she was back then. She said that she was always. Sarah knew who she was and seemed happy to hear from her. Howard said he loves a reunion but who gives a shit. He hung up on her and took some other phone calls. One guy said that he loves that Sarah is so funny, that makes her all that much more hot.
Howard wrapped up with Sarah and gave her more plugs for her gig at the NY Comedy Festival and for her TV show. She'll be back on Wednesday to smell Richard Christy's balls. He said he loves seeing her and she said the same for him. They went to break a short time later.
Howard and the guys talked about how no one is real on TV in interviews. If they are, they get a lecture and go back on their comments. They also got into some more discussions about the Mets and what went on with them. They played some clips of Willie Randolph talking about the tough season they had and how stunning it was that they were out.
Gary was really into the Mets loss and was very upset about it. Howard seemed to find it hard to believe that he was as upset about it as he was.
A caller said that he was at the Springsteen concert that Artie was at and he saw Artie holding her hand all night. Artie said he wasn't holding her hand, he just took some pictures with her. He swore that there was nothing going on and the caller was full of shit.
Howard said he was watching the news and they did a story about this guy Clarence Thomas and he really likes him but he can't get past the Anita Hill story. He said that if Anita Hill was full of shit, that guy's life had to be ruined. He said the guy was really great until the Anita Hill thing came out. He said that even if she was crazy, she never tried to get money for the stuff she accused Thomas of. Robin talked to him about that and gave the details that she knew about the story.
Howard talked about David Letterman's interview with Paris Hilton that he did last week. He played the audio of that where Dave was goofing on Paris and tweaking her a bit about her stay in jail. Howard said it got weirder and weirder as the interview went along and Paris got upset with him for continuing to talk about it. Dave was trying to get some details out of her but she didn't want to talk about it and told him she wasn't there to talk about that stuff. She eventually stopped answering his questions about her jail time.
Artie said that Dave was at his condescending best in that interview. Robin said that was good for Dave because he's worked so hard to make her interesting in the past. Artie said that there's so much interesting stuff about her that all you have to do is touch her and it's going to be great. Howard said he'd take a different approach to an interview like that if she ever came on. Artie said he doesn't think she'd ever come on the show though.
Howard asked Fred what he thought about that segment on the show. Everyone in the studio thought it was a great segment of course. Artie said that he thinks that Dr. Ablow may have been telling Christine to talk to the emotional friend because it could show that the relationship is very strong. Howard said he thinks that it was the right thing to say. He said that Sal is telling Christine what to do and he should never put himself in that position. He said that he should just work to save the marriage and not try to make her stop. He thinks that he should tell her to go fuck the guy's brains out if she wants, just let Sal know.
Howard said that the relationship is going south already and if it is, Sal should let her go out and figure out if she really wants to be with him or not. Robin said that Dr. Ablow was saying that Christine has her own life and you can't forbid her from doing something.
Howard said that Christine has to want to be with Sal, he can't force her to want to be with him. Sal said that they're just about DOA at this point and Dr. Ablow should be trying to stabilize them, not make things worse. Howard said that Christine is going to do whatever she wants anyway so making her not see this guy isn't going to help things.
Howard said that he and Beth talked about her friends and how she was still in touch with them. Howard didn't make her stop talking to them, he just let her do what she wanted. She decided not to talk to those guys anymore so that's the direction they went in. You can't make someone do something, they have to decide that for themselves. Howard said that he would be jealous if Beth did talk to male friends. He said he has some serious problems of his own because he's very possessive. He said that it would be something he'd really struggle with.
Robin said that she was in a relationship with a guy who she was an emotional friend with when she got involved with Mr. X. She said that she had to separate her feelings from that guy to Mr. X but she decided that on her own. Artie said that he's never had that with a woman in his life. Artie said that this sounds like Sal is fucked then. Howard said that's right.
Howard went on to talk about how Sal has been put in the situation where he told his wife what to do as if he were a parent himself. It's like your parents telling you that you can't hang out with a certain friend that they didn't like.
Robin said that she managed her own feelings for this guy she was friends with and they're still friends. She said they still talk to this day.
Howard thanked Fred for that Fred segment and then took a call from Ralph. Ralph said that he wanted to go back to the Fred segment for a second. He said that Fred was projecting his situation on this Sal thing. He said that Fred had some issues with his marriage as well. Howard said that it's not the same thing. They have different problems and Sal and Christine seem to be really far apart. Howard asked Ralph if he thought that segment was great or what. Ralph said it really was great.
Ralph also wanted to talk about Letterman for a second too. He said that Dave was a real asshole in that segment. He said that he used her for the ratings over the years and then turned on her in that interview. Howard said he doesn't agree and said that the subject was very uncomfortable to begin with. He said the audience reacted to it and it was fun. If Paris had said that she learned something in prison, Dave probably would have dropped it. She clammed up and the audience reacted to it and that's what Dave went with. If she had just answered the questions it would have stopped Dave. He was put in a weird position and that's the way he handled it.
Gary came in to ask Ralph a question but Howard had hung up on him already. He figured that Ralph would have called in and said that Dave had let her off the hook if he had done a softball interview like he could have done. Howard said that Dave had to do what he did so as not to bore his audience.
Howard told Gary to ask him anything he wanted and he'd give him an answer. Gary asked him some questions about his small penis and his failed marriage and Howard had answers for him. Gary said that not everyone can do an interview like that though. They used Brad Pitt as an example and Howard said he doesn't have a brain in his body so he couldn't answer honestly like that.
Howard thanked Steve for his update and then had Jon Hein come in with his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon said they'll be talking about the Sal and Christine therapy today. Howard talked to Jon about that therapy session a little bit and then let Jon get back to his rundown. They're going to talk about Sarah Silverman's visit and some of the stuff she talked about during the interview. They'll also talk about Howard's gift giving plans for this holiday season. Howard let Jon go and had Robin get to her news.
Robin got into some more of her news stories and the guys ended up talking about Pam Anderson possibly getting married again. Artie said that broads are just stupid. He said that he doesn't get what that guy Rick Solomon has that she'd be interested in, other than his big cock. He said that some guys are just huge players and that must be what he is. Then he said that women are just stupid and she's stupid for getting married to this guy.
Howard said that there's a woman on the phone who wants to talk about her dying sister who works there at SIRIUS but it was getting too late in the show to do it. He said if she calls back tomorrow, he'll get to her. He just didn't have the time today. Robin wrapped up her news a short time later so Howard wended the show around 11:15am.
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Howard started off the show talking about how great a place they have to do the show from. He talked about how he has a lot to vent about and this is the best place to do that from. He mentioned that they have Jerry O'Connell coming in today. He said that Jerry married an old friend of his, Rebecca Romijn, and they can talk to him about that and about some stuff they've said about him in the past.
Howard also mentioned they have a Win Fred's Money coming up today. They have a guy coming in who thinks he can beat Fred but he's also a teacher who bangs his students and he has a student who is willing to get topless if he loses against Fred. He's a college professor and he's known for dating students and has even gotten fired for dating his students. Howard said he actually teaches Ethics which made Robin laugh. He said that he wasn't kidding. Fred said the guy also teaches Philosophy. Howard said they have psychic Jim Karol coming in.
Howard said that she almost dropped her son on his head in front of the paparazzi at one event. That got photographed of course. She also puts the kid in a car seat the wrong way or she doesn't put them in a seat at all in her car. Now Federline has gotten custody from her.
Howard said that the reason Britney is losing the kids is because she pissed on the court. She refused to get a drug test and if you defy the judge, that's it. She made them put their backs against the wall. Robin said that's just her saying that she doesn't want the kids. Howard read that she already dropped the kids off and apparently couldn't wait to get rid of them. He said you can see she's a very disturbed girl.
Howard said there are a lot of disturbed girls out there but it's still hard to get custody of the kids from the mother. Artie said that in New York you almost have to put the kids in a blender to lose custody.
Howard said that he and Beth were watching ''Tell Me That You Love Me'' and it led to a very honest discussion between them. He said that the conversation was really great and it all came out when they saw that this couple had some secrets between them. He said it was really sad to see that. He said that Beth came out with some stuff and he really felt like they were two friends just talking. He said it was really weird. Robin said that's the reason that you get into a relationship like that though.
Howard said that he felt a lot less pressure after that discussion. He said that all Beth was doing was talking to him and he wasn't feeling defensive or anything like that. Artie said that he knows that it can be kind of scary because he's had women be honest with him and he wants them to stop about a minute into the discussion.
Howard said that keeping the whole thing going and thinking that you're going to crush the other person with your feelings is scary. He said that he usually tries to push all of those thoughts away during his day. Now he knows he can share that stuff with Beth. He said he knows that he's got a lot of shit in his life, and others probably do too, but he knows it has to be tough.
Howard said that Beth has no desire to talk to a therapist about this stuff, she just wants to talk to him about it. Artie said that Howard is fascinated with himself and that makes things even more difficult. Howard said that he really felt bad for himself last night. He said he wasn't all that enamored with the baggage he carries with him and what Beth has to put up with. He said that it nice to have that kind of closeness with Beth.
Robin said that these are the things that people are supposed to share in a relationship but some people can't deal with those secrets that they share. They tell those stories and then end up breaking up over them. Artie said that it's amazing that he got into a new discussion like that 7 years into a relationship. Artie broke into his Anne Murray song but Howard cut him off after a short time.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the Sal and Christine thing almost had him in tears yesterday. Howard said that it was startling when Christine was laughing at Sal during that segment. They talked about how tough Sal's life must have been with his father cheating on his mother and him knowing about it.
The guys talked about Sal and Christine's relationship and how they now see that it's not all just Sal. They have a lot of stuff they both have to get past to make that relationship last. Howard said that Sal really has a big problem. He saw his father humiliating his mother his whole life and now he wants to see women humiliated in porn and stuff like that. Even after all of the work they did with Sal on the show, he went on the Wrap Up Show and got into some more discussions about humiliating his wife.
Howard was going to play some clips from the Wrap Up Show but the caller asked him how the guys are doing with their weight loss after the challenge they had earlier in the year. Howard said that they all gained their weight back, every single one of them.
Howard played a clip of Sal talking about his wife making herself look all dolled up as if she's going back on the market. He said compared her to a car and a peacock as he was describing her look. Howard said that when he hears that, he thinks that their relationship is doomed. He said Sal went on and on during the Wrap Up Show talking about all of that stuff. Sal was saying that if the bible was never written, people wouldn't be in that whole marriage thing. That led to Sal talking about how we're animals just like lions are. He wasn't trying to be funny, he was angry and yelling. Howard said he's almost retarded.
Howard took a call from John Boy who said that the show was great and he wondered how things went when Sal went home yesterday. Howard said that's a good question and asked Sal to come in and let them know. Sal said that he went home a little early yesterday so he could dodge some of the phone calls. He said she was curled up in bed already when he got there. He said that it looked like one of those depression commercials. She wasn't depressed though, she was just tired from getting up early. She told him that she was fine but she had also bumped into a few moms who had heard the show that day. They all told her he was a wonderful person of course. He was being sarcastic.
Sal said that the other women told her about the pink streak thing he talked about on the Wrap Up Show. He said he had to explain that and how he didn't mean to compare her to a car. The guys talked about how strange Sal's life is because he used to make a lot more money than he does now. He actually makes less being in show business than he did when he wasn't in show business.
Howard asked Sal if he had sex yesterday. Sal said that would be like poking a gorilla in a cage. He didn't want to rattle the cage so he didn't bother with that. Howard said that he could have tried. Sal said he was testing the waters but he could tell she wasn't interested.
Howard and Sal ended up talking about Dancing with the Stars somehow. They talked about Jenni Garth having big Baba Booey teeth last night. She didn't look as good this week as she did last week. Sal said that show is awful and he doesn't know how Howard watches it. Howard talked about the way the stars react to the judges talking about them. Jenni Garth was on the verge of tears and Marie Osmond looked like she was the happiest she's ever been according to Howard.
Howard asked the guys what they thought about Sal's story and if they were happy about his answer. John Boy asked Sal if his father had chicks all over the city or just one woman he was cheating with. The guys were all over the place talking about that stuff. Sal said his father did get around. Artie said he tried to relate to that story and thought about his father beat the shit out of someone one time. He had secrets that he wanted to keep from his mother and that was the kind of stuff he thought about. Artie said that he saw his father pull this guy out of his car after he threw a beer bottle at his car. He said the guy had a couple of girls in his car and they were crying as he was getting the shit beat out of him. They eventually ran away. Artie's father told him not to tell his mother about that.
Artie said that he told that story when his father got paralyzed and he thought he was getting payback for doing that. He said that if he had ever seen his father make out with another woman, that would have been awful because it's such betrayal. Sal said that his father is an old school Sicilian guy. He said they were hot chicks he was getting too.
Sal said that he saw his mother beat the shit out of a woman one time when his father pulled up to a barbecue with his girlfriend in the car. He said that his father had bunches of women. He said that he had so many women that he actually told another woman he was going to get married to another woman the same time he was getting married to his mom. He said that his father had another kid with that other woman who was 4 months pregnant at the time he married his mother.
Sal said that there were guns involved with the whole thing and one guy showed up to the wedding with a rifle to shoot his father but he got tackled outside. Sal said that his mother is an old school Italian too so that's why she stays with his father.
Fred said that his whole family seems to be a little whacked sexually and wanted him to tell the story of his aunt holding him down and tickling him. Howard wanted him to get back to the topic of his conversation with his wife. He asked him about that so Sal told him about how Christine was telling him that she's okay with what's going on but she doesn't want to be pressed about it. Howard said it sounds like they're arguing again. Sal said he didn't want to push it that far so it wasn't really an argument. Robin said it seems that they can't have a conversation.
John Boy asked Sal if they've had sex this week. Sal said that he hasn't had sex this week at all. Howard said that he saw on some show that if you're not having sex 4 times a week, there's something wrong. Sal said that he doesn't even jerk off that often.
Howard suggested that Sal get some therapy on his own so he can learn to talk to his wife. Sal doesn't think he needs that though. He said that he's still a good father and they get along as best that they can in front of the kids. Howard said he should be out trying to find a doctor to help him out today. Sal said that he doesn't want to open up that can of worms if he doesn't have to.
John Boy said that Howard should be telling Sal what he should be doing. Howard said that Sal should be in therapy because he's miserable. He's down on everything and he's angry about what went on with his dad and other things in his life. He said he's got a shitload of problems and he needs to do something and it's amazing to him that he won't go to therapy. Howard said he loves Artie but he's in the same situation. He needs help but he won't go to therapy.
Howard said he's done giving advice to these guys. He said he has to go to a psychiatrist even though he hates it. He knows that he has to go to get full enjoyment out of his life though. He said he'd be doomed if he didn't go to therapy. He said that you have to be dedicated to making yourself better to keep going. John Boy said that you need money to do that so maybe that's something that Sal can't afford. Sal said that's not the case, he spends money on a lot of other things that aren't as important.
Howard talked about how some people can feel good talking to a minister or someone like that. That's okay for some but others need therapy. He said that Sal and Christine are in deep, deep shit and they need to do something. He said he knows that Sal needs to get help.
Howard said that if he hadn't been in therapy, that conversation with Beth never would have happened last night. He said he would have felt like he was being attacked. Howard said they did have to do some follow up on Sal today after that big show yesterday.
John Boy asked for more information about this Biggest Clit contest they have going on. He has an entry for the contest so Howard put him on hold so he could talk to Gary. Robin said that they had a guy on Bubba's show yesterday who was talking about Chyna Doll's big clit. The guy had apparently dated her and told some stories about how it was like going down on a small boy when he was doing her.
Joey Boots called in and said that Christine seemed to be a bit embarrassed during that segment yesterday when she was laughing at Sal. He also asked if Christine got any money to do that segment yesterday. Howard said she did and asked Sal if he was okay with him telling Joey how much she got. Sal said it was fine, it was $10,000! Joey said that she probably did the show just for the money but Sal said that wasn't the case. She did want to get some help and she had actually turned down that ten grand at one point. He said that they really needed the money and that was some of the motivation but she really did want to come in and do the therapy thing.
Howard said that no one fixes their marriage on the radio and she knew that. She did do the show for her family though. They're having some financial problems and that ten grand helped. Joey doesn't think that she was being honest on the show and that ten grand is what brought her there. Howard had to let him go and said he had to go to break so he could get Jerry O'Connell in there.
Howard took a couple more calls before he did go to break. One guy said that he loved Sarah Silverman so much that he'd be willing to lick her asshole... bloody. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard said that Jerry just married Rebecca Romijn and he used to be friends with her when she was married to John Stamos. Howard said that something went horribly wrong. He said that he did write her a note and she wrote back but then they fizzled again. He asked Jerry what happened.
Jerry said that one of the difficult things is when a couple splits and they have these mutual friends that they have to split up 50/50 like anything else in their marriage. Howard said that he and Rebecca talked about her break up with John.
Jerry said that he likes that he named his dog after him and how great it is that he must think about him when he wakes up every morning. He went on to talk about how Rebecca was upset about some of the stuff that they've discussed on the show about her relationship with John Stamos. That stuff about them being naked in Howard's apartment didn't go over very well with her. Howard said that he didn't bring it up though, it was John and Rebecca who brought it up on the air. Howard said that he didn't bring those details out. Robin said that maybe them continuing to talk about that stuff is what upsets her.
Jerry said that Rebecca usually talks very highly of Howard. She may take the show too seriously though. He said that some people are just more emotional than others. He said that he met her a while after she split with John Stamos and she was still upset about the break up. He said that when they first started dating she had a lot of healing to go through. It wasn't a happy time for her. He said that they were waiting for marriage to have sex though.
Howard said that Jerry was dating some good looking women before Rebecca. He said he must really love Rebecca to have married her after all of these other chicks. Jerry told Howard that Rebecca really misses Beth O. He said she still speaks very fondly of both of them. Howard said he knows about that but there's still this rift between them and he's not sure exactly what it is.
Jerry said that he hopes that they can make up some day and go out to dinner at some point. Howard said he can't do that, he's friends with John Stamos.
Howard went through Jerry's sexual resume. He said that he had a list of chicks there. He was about to get into that when he asked Jerry how he got Rebecca to slim down. Jerry was just laughing when he was talking about that stuff. He said that Jerry had gotten a bicycle made for two so they can work out together.
Howard said that Jerry sang to Rebecca at their wedding. He read about that stuff and some of the other gay stuff that he's done with her. He said that's the kind of stuff that she wants him to do for her and he's doing it. Jerry said that he really enjoys her company and he does do that stuff for her. He said that she's a great girl.
Artie said he remembers Rebecca getting really mad at them after they goofed on a movie she was in and how bad it was. Artie said he remembers that because he read the review on the air himself. Jerry said he doesn't think she really cared about that though.
Howard read that Jerry has to watch football with the sound turned down. He thinks that's just wrong. Jerry said she doesn't like football. He seems to be fine with it. Howard asked Jerry if they went to couples counseling before they got married. He said they actually did do that. Howard asked him if he would ever ask her to mute the TV if she was watching a movie he didn't like. Jerry said that they work very hard and they only have Saturdays and Sundays together. He said the games are on for most of the day and he can sit and watch games all day long. He said she just doesn't like to hear the sound of football games and she even does an impression of the ESPN coverage of games. He gets that and doesn't mind turning the sound down.
Howard said that Jerry was going out with this one hot chick and ended up cheating on her with Ginger Spice (Geri Halliwell). Jerry said he didn't cheat on anyone. He said he was just dating. Howard also read that Jerry also dated Estella Warren. He asked him what that was like. Jerry said she was a very nice girl. Howard asked him if he's got any pictures of her. He said he didn't take any at all. He didn't get into the camera thing until he was around Rebecca. He said she loves to have her picture taken.
Howard read some more of the girls on his list like Sarah Michelle Gellar and asked Jerry why the fun bus ride stopped with Rebecca. Jerry said that Howard could answer that himself. Howard knew her and said that she's just fabulous. That was it, she's fabulous.
Howard said that Jerry has a link to the show that's fascinating. His mother was a teacher in the area and actually taught Lester (Beetlejuice) in her class. Jerry knew Beetlejuice as Lester, his real name, and he was actually his mother's assistant in class. He used to run messages for her and get her supplies and stuff. He said that he loves hearing him on the show and stuff because he was such a great guy.
Howard said it must have been shocking to see Lester on the show. Jerry said it was very exciting to see an old friend on TV. Howard asked him if he recognized him immediately. Jerry said that he did recognize him right away of course.
Howard said he wanted to ask Jerry about his brother going on The Bachelor. He wondered if he was crazy or something. Jerry said that his brother was an actor but he had some trouble and things weren't going so well. He knew one of the people who works on the show and they suggested putting him on there. Howard asked Jerry if he was surprised at the girl his brother picked. Jerry said that things didn't work out in the long run for his brother. He said that it wasn't a horrible experience for his brother but it didn't work out all that well either.
Jerry said that he watches a lot of reality TV shows and sees the way things work on that show. He said that his brother probably thought that there must be something a little wrong with the women who do The Bachelor but he's not sure about that. He said that his brother was dating another woman by the name of Dana and then the Bachelor show came up and he took that up.
Howard gave Jerry a plug for this new show of his, The Carpoolers. Howard asked him if he feels like he's under a lot of pressure to do this show. Jerry said he's really not. He said that all of the guys he works with are subscribers and they all love the show. He said that the show is a bit different. The guys who are directing the shows worked on shows like Arrested Development and some other improv shows like Kids in the Hall. He said the show got bad reviews today but he doesn't really give a shit what they say. He said that as long as people watch it and enjoy it, he's happy with that. He said his feelings won't be hurt if Howard doesn't like the show. Howard said that he would care if it was his show. Jerry told Howard about the show and how Rebecca will be making an appearance on the show and they had some fun doing that. Artie said that Faith Ford is also on the show.
Howard talked to Jerry about John Stamos and asked him if Rebecca ever bad mouths him. Jerry said no but Howard didn't believe that. He said she has to bad mouth him. Jerry said that she really doesn't. He said that she actually used to TiVo his Jake in Progress show. He said it was pretty unwatchable though. Howard said that must have made him really happy to see his show fail like that. Jerry said that he wanted it to do well because he thinks that Rebecca was worried about John and his well being when they split up. He said that they watched the show and she was really rooting for John to get on with his life after the divorce.
Howard said he would have been thrilled if it was him. Jerry said he gets that but Rebecca was really worried about John. Howard asked Jerry what it was like the first time he kissed and felt up her titties. Jerry said it was incredible. Howard asked him if he was under pressure to perform with her. Jerry said that he was very nervous and imagined that he'd be more manly than he was with her. Howard said it must have been tough thinking about John Stamos having been inside of her when he was with her. Jerry said that didn't enter his mind at the time.
Gary came in and told Howard that Jerry really had to get going but Jerry wanted another two minutes. Howard went into some oral sex talk with Jerry and asked him how long he can go with her and if he thinks that he has to lick her too much to make her happy. Jerry laughed and changed subjects. He talked about Rebecca getting into show business and the way she did that.
Howard wrapped up with Jerry who gave a shout out to everyone over at Carpoolers before he left. Howard said that he wants to know how Jerry managed to hold out with Rebecca and how long it took him to get into her pants. Jerry said that they waited to have sex until the marriage. Howard wanted an answer now but Jerry said that next time he'll get into that. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and took a call from a guy who said that he thinks that John and Rebecca's relationship ended because Howard was her emotional friend. Howard said that's ridiculous. Another caller said he liked that appearance and said he's going to watch his show.
The caller also asked if the guys think that Sal's wife had a sexual affair with that emotional friend. Howard said he'd give his answer but asked Fred for his thoughts first. Fred said that he doesn't think anything happened. Artie said he doesn't think she slept with the guy. Robin said the same. Howard said he believes her and doesn't think that she slept with him or blew him. Robin said she thinks that they kissed. Howard said that maybe they made out and maybe he got some tittie and maybe even a finger in there. The caller was asked what he thinks about that but he was already gone.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he wanted to take a fork and stick it in his eyeball during that Jerry O'Connell interview. He thought the whole thing was a little contrived. Howard said he was really curious about how Rebecca is doing and he knows he gave her a lot of shit about her dating Jerry. He knows she took offense to that and he hopes they can get past that. He said Jerry seemed to be a nice guy and he didn't have any desire to bash him or anything like that.
Howard read through some e-mail about yesterday's show. He said that people were very upset that he had Ralph on so much yesterday. One guy wrote in and said that he was actually good on the show. He also read one about Haydn Porter and called her some names. Robin said ''Who's Haydn Porter'' not remembering that she was just on the show a couple of weeks ago. Howard reminded her that she was that nice young girl that was just in there recently.
Howard played a prank call that the guys made to a tattoo shop using some audio clips of Ronnie the Limo Driver talking about being Scoresman. The guy they called had no idea what a Scoresman was. They had Ronnie yelling at the guy and getting hung up on time after time. Artie said he'd like to hear one call where Richard calls a hippie chick and plays Sal's apology tape. Howard said he had one where they called with clips of Artie yelling at Ralph about the money he owed him. They kept calling over and over again and got hung up on.
Sal went on to talk about how he was joking around with Tim Sabean about the ''shine'' word after he was asked to not use the racial stuff on the air so much. He was out in a restaurant in a private area at the time. Gary said they weren't in a private area, they were upstairs in the restaurant in a public area. Sal said that it wasn't a deliberate racist statement, he was just playing off a joke.
There was another story about Sal putting a towel and a dot on his head when an Indian guy showed up to the restaurant. That was from about a year ago according to Jason. They spent a short time on that and then Lisa got back to her news.
Lisa said that they've learned that Scott DePace played against Gary's son Jackson in Halo 3 on xBox Live last night. Howard heard about that and said that Gary saw that Scott saw that Scott was playing against his son and he went nuts. Gary said that he was talking to a bunch of people working at home and he heard from his son that he had played against him. Scott came in and said that he only played for 30 minutes last night. The guys were goofing on Scott about his game playing. He said it's no different than watching TV. Gary said his son told him how good the game was against Scott and how good a player he is. Scott said he blew up his son with a sticky grenade on his back so he won against the 12 year old.
Scott was also upset about the plans for the secret Santa thing that Howard brought up yesterday. Scott thinks that Howard should write everyone a check there since the gift thing is going to be much less than it has been in the past. Howard said that things were just getting out of hand and this is the way they have to do this so everyone can be included and people like Gary don't have to buy gifts for 20-some people.
Howard said that he just can't cover the whole crew there because they're too big and it's too time consuming to go through that many people. He said that form now on they're just going to do the people in the studio. Gary thinks that they should just do the secret Santa thing in the studio. Howard said that wouldn't fix his problem though. He said he can't be buying everyone there gifts anymore. He said that he's not the employer, SIRIUS is, and if they want a bonus, they should go to them for that.
Gary asked Artie if he got gifts when he was working on network TV shows. Artie said that Norm did buy gifts for everyone when he was working on The Norm Show. He said that Quincy Jones used to give them gifts too but Howard gave him a great gift when he first started there. He thinks that people have gotten used to that now. Howard said they have to get out of that and change the way they do things. He said it's gotten out of hand. Some people are feeling they don't get big enough gifts and that just has to stop.
Robin said that Scott the Engineer had come in one year and told her that she had given him a reduction. She thought that was nuts. Howard said he doesn't hire anyone there, SIRIUS does. They're the employers and they should be giving the holiday bonuses. Scott said that it would be a nice way for Howard to show his appreciation for them. Howard said he does appreciate the people there. Howard said it's a waste of time and money for these people to shop for him. He's trying to relieve some of that stress and that's why he's changing the way they do things.
Scott wanted to opt out of the whole thing because he doesn't know what to get for a stranger. Howard told him to just do what he wants and buy everyone gifts if he wants to. Howard said that this secret Santa thing isn't going to be secret. They're going to reveal everything on the air and throw the stuff in a wood chipper if it's a bad gift.
Benjy asked Howard if he's going to buy anyone gifts. Howard said that he will only buy people gifts who work directly for him. He said that he will buy his assistant Laura a gift. He will not buy Robin a gift unless he gets her in the secret Santa thing. Artie thinks that it's going to be a negative thing for moral around there. Howard doesn't seem to care about that though.
Howard said that he hopes that Scott picks Jason in the secret Santa thing. Scott said he wouldn't buy him anything if he did. Richard came in and told Howard that he was going to get him a Batman sword for Christmas. Howard said that he hates the stuff that Richard gets for him and he'd hate that gift. It's such a waste of money and effort. He's glad that he's going to stop this whole gift giving thing. He said that he'd get Richard a big bar of soap if he was going to buy him something. He asked if he had showered yet since Sarah Silverman wants to come in and smell him. Richard said he hasn't showered and he's worked out, jerked off and taken shits since he last showered.
Howard talked about some of the other awful gifts that he's gotten from the guys. Both Richard and Artie have given him shitty gifts. Ralph called in and said that this sucks because he always gets his shitty gifts and holds on to them. Ralph said that he'll walk in and see all of that stuff and just pick and choose the stuff he wants to keep.
Artie said that he gave Howard a Neil Young picture that's probably worth $3500 now. Howard doesn't know what happened to it. Howard talked about the digital fingerprint reader that Scott DePace got for him and what a piece of shit that was. He didn't want to use anything like that. Gary asked if there's anything that he has liked as a gift. Howard said that Robin got him a letter opener that he loves. He also said that she got him a book that was really cool that he loved. Gary also got him an old radio but he has to put stuff like that into storage.
Howard asked Richard how much that Batman sword was. He said that it was about 80 bucks so Howard told him that's money that he could keep in his pocket. Artie said that he's 0 for 3 now with his gift giving so he wouldn't know where to go with that anyway. He talked about the way Howard reacted to one gift he got for Howard and how he wanted nothing to do with the digital picture frame that was suggested by Scott DePace.
Howard said he's sorry if anyone is offended by all of this. Will came in and said that it is kind of depressing because they have gotten such nice gifts in the past. Lisa G complained about the gifts last year and how Howard wasn't getting them anything. He had to buy them something after that. Howard said that he had to move on so he ended the fun with everyone and sent them on their way.
James told Howard that he can see why they see it as a negative thing but he doesn't feel he's doing anything wrong. He said that he did give one girl a good grade after the relationship. She was there so Howard had the guys bring her in. Her name was Melanie. Howard asked her about the relationship and found out that James had come into her tanning salon and that's how they started talking. She was also in his class though. Melanie said that she did get a good grade after going out with him. Howard and the guys were talking about how unfair that is for the male students since they can't fuck him to get a good grade.
James said that he's been fired a couple of times and he just recently got a new job. He never has a problem with his references from other jobs because he does his job very well. He just gets in trouble for dating the students. He and Melanie have actually broken up so they're not dating right now. Her boyfriend was with her in the green room.
Howard said that if all of the other schools have a problem with him dating the students, maybe he should look at what he's doing and maybe put a stop to it. James said that it's a self control problem and he can't help himself. He said that he's good at his job though. He said that his resume is full of jobs because he has to move on every 12 months or so.
Howard asked Melanie if she told her fellow students that she was banning the teacher. She said that she didn't but there were people who spread the word through Mypsace and Facebook. Howard said that it seems like James doesn't want to be a teacher, he still wants to be a student. Artie said that he looks like an ecstasy dealer.
Melanie said that James is pretty big in the pants and she was alarmed when she saw it for the first time. She said that it hurt pretty bad the first time. She was pretty drunk at the time. James said he didn't get her drunk, she did that on her own. Melanie went on to talk about how weird it was to be banging her teacher and then go to his class a couple of hours later. She said that he didn't help her cheat in class or anything like that though.
Melanie said that she wasn't looking for a relationship so she was screwing around with other guys and he was doing whatever he was doing. She said that she once tried to give him oral but he's got a lot of girth and it was tough.
Howard moved on to the game after that and said that Melanie was going to have to be naked if James lost against Fred in Win Fred's Money. The prize money was being sponsored by their own Howard TV. Melanie said that she can be topless but not completely naked today. Howard was fine with that. Howard said that they're going to ask Melanie to get topless behind the screen they have in the studio so that she can't cheat. She said she's never flashed anyone before and this was new for her. Howard said that he doesn't agree with James' morality or ethics but he's going to let him play this game.
Howard took a few phone calls and let some people go off on this guy for what he did. One woman called in and said that she actually married her college professor. She told that story quickly and then Howard moved on to the game.
Howard had Fred go off to Robin's booth where he wasn't able to hear the questions. He then played the game with James. He had to answer 7 questions as quickly as possible. Then Fred would come in and try to answer the same. Here are the questions and correct answers:
Howard told James that he really shouldn't shit where he eats and maybe get out of the line of work he's in. Gary told Melanie that he could give her some money if she took her dress off. She said she couldn't do that because her mother wouldn't be happy with that. Howard said that her titties were magnificent. Gary said that he could give her a Stiletto radio if she took her dress off. She was going to get that and $500. She asked how long she'd have to be naked. They told her 30 seconds but she said no to that. Her boob popped out of her dress at that moment so the guys got another peek at that.
Melanie said that her ass is not good and she doesn't want them to see that. She said her legs are gross and she doesn't want to show that. She said her stomach was bad too. Howard wanted to see it anyway and she gave them a peek at her belly which looked fine to Howard. Howard knocked the time down to 25 seconds and told her to just do it. She said that she would do it for 20 seconds so she went right ahead and took her dress off. Everyone said she was cute. They counted down the 20 seconds but Gary kept it going longer than the 20. She called them a bunch of assholes but she didn't sound too serious about that.
Howard told her that she won the $500 and the radio. She said that she was a starving college student and Artie asked ''Starving!?'' which came out kind of wrong as if he was calling her fat or something. He said that came out all wrong.
Howard gave Howard TV some plugs and wrapped up with everyone. He gave Melanie some advice about banging her professors. He also mentioned that the number 1 show on Howard TV is the Haydn Porter staff stories episode. Robin said that even though everyone seems to hate her, they love watching her on Howard TV. Howard wrapped up and went to break after that.
Artie talked about some of those speeches that Bruce makes before his songs. He did an impression of that a little bit before Howard brought in the next guest.
Howard said that this guy Jim Karol has been on the show with his shock chair before. He said that he wanted to give them one for the studio. Jim has a TV show coming up on NBC called ''Phenomenon.'' He said he was one of 10 people chosen as the best mentalists around the world for the show.
Howard asked Jim what kind of stuff he can teach him to do. Jim said he can do all kinds of memory stuff and even put tin foil on someone and make them feel hot. Artie said that he saw this guy out at a diner in Jersey. He said that Jim told him that he had done a comedy room there in Hoboken and he ran into him in the diner.
Howard asked Artie if he wanted to try the tin foil trick. He said he would and Jim took a little piece of Howard's lunch foil to use on Artie. He put the foil on Artie after licking it and folding it in half. He put it on Artie's arm and said ''pain, heat... Heat'' and put it on him. He told him that if it got hot he could knock it off. Artie wasn't falling for it and didn't have to knock it off. He told Jim he was crazy, he didn't feel a thing. Howard told Jim to get the fuck out of there. Artie said he didn't feel any difference from the time he put it on until then.
Jim told Howard to hold onto this pack of matches he had. Howard told him that if this doesn't work, he won't be able to fill a room. Howard yelled, threw the foil away and said that he was burned. He had a welt on his hand. He said it really hurt. Jim said that Artie must be fighting the pain. Artie said that he wasn't but he could see that Howard's pain was real. Howard showed Robin the red mark on his hand and she said there was a red mark there.
Artie tried again but he didn't believe it was going to do anything. It got a little hot but Jim said that he was fighting it. Artie said it got a little hot but it didn't burn him. He said it got hotter than the last time. Howard didn't get how he did that to him but it didn't work on Artie. He wanted to see him do it on Robin. Artie said he got burned with a solder gun one time so that was nothing.
Robin walked away when it got warm so Howard wondered why he got burned and she didn't. Jim said that he gave Howard full power and that's why it burned him. He thought that he had to do that because he figured Howard would assume that he wasn't actually able to do that.
Jim gave Artie a hand buzzer thing and Artie wondered if he was in 3rd grade. Jim also gave Howard the shock stool that he brought in last time. This one was made especially for Howard though. Howard wanted to put someone on the chair because it's supposed to be a lie detector. Gary suggested they ask Scott DePace some questions. Sal suggested they ask Benjy his age. Benjy wouldn't get on the chair. He knew he'd get shocked no matter what his answer was.
Jim told Howard that he does a trick on this ''Phenomenon'' show and he wanted to show him what that was. He had Howard cut a deck of cards and said he can look at the cards. He said he could remember them in the order they were shown in. It wasn't really a trick, just something that he can do. He said he can teach people how to do that too.
Jim said that he wanted to teach Howard how to read Robin's mind. He asked Robin to come into the studio and Artie said that he thinks that Jim is becoming one of his favorite guests. Jim then had Robin print a number on a piece of paper. He had her fold it up and then had her look into Howard's eyes so he could figure out what that number is. Howard guessed that the number was 9. Then he took another guess and said that he thinks she wrote down 3 numbers. He was right about that. Then he said it was 9, 8, 2. Robin said that he actually came close. Robin said she actually wrote it down as 892 though.
Jim then had Robin write down a word on a piece of paper and Howard guessed what that was. He got it right when he guessed ''fuck.'' Artie figured that he was writing something that was seen through the paper. Artie wanted to try that one himself. Howard wondered if he could continue to do this even after he left. Jim said he might be able to do that. Artie said that might be the best trick he's ever seen. Robin said that she actually wrote down the number 982 so Howard was actually right. Robin said that she also wrote a word that she thought Howard wouldn't guess and he got it anyway.
Howard gave Jim some plugs and said that he's headlining a comedy show this week at Gotham Comedy Club in the city. He wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that he had to go disinfect his arm. He said that he put hand gel on his skin and washed it as well.
Howard had some audio that Richard recorded on an airplane on his way to Orlando. In the clip the baby is screaming constantly. Howard said that's a plane ride from hell right there. The guys said that the kids ears get clogged up and that's why they go so crazy.
Howard said he was reading an article about Bruce Springsteen where his manager asked about what they thought about Bruce doing American Idol but then said he was just kidding. Howard said they do seem to be testing the waters. Artie said he just doesn't want him in that atmosphere and doesn't want Ryan Seacrest introducing Bruce Springsteen. They spent a little time talking about Bruce and some stuff that's come out about him in the news. Gary said that there's a track on Bruce's new album and it's hidden but it's like a love song to Patty Scialfa.
Howard said that Klein was on Fox and Friends talking about other comedians and said that he doesn't listen to that many guys out there now. He said that Chris Rock is great but a little too profane. Robert mentioned a bunch of other names like Lenny Bruce and a few others. He then said that he's not fond of Howard's work even though Howard is a nice guy. Howard said he gets it when someone ''gets him'' on the show but then doesn't get him when they're off the show. Artie said he's clearly a bitter guy.
Gary said that he knows what's going on there. They had Robert on the show once and it went okay. Then Robert talked about his divorce and his wife called in. That was a great part of the interview. Robert kept trying to get back on the show but they turned him down a bunch of times. He thinks that he got upset about them not booking him again. Robin said she remembered David Brenner being on that same day and he'd gotten into something with the mother of his kid and Robert ended up doing something similar.
Howard said that it's hard booking the show and he just recently got a note from Richard Lewis who hasn't been on the show much lately. He said they're going to have him back on. Gary said that he's been invited on the show and he'll be on whenever he can make it there. Gary talked about some other guests that they've had on the show who really want to get on the show but they turn down. They think it's all Gary keeping them off the show but Howard has some say in that as well. They're going to have Ronnie Spector back on the show but only because she's ready to talk about her past.
Artie said that the movie looks amazing. He said he just threw some money their way and helped produce the movie. it was directed by Kamal from the Jerky Boys. Artie knew some of the details about the movie but not all that many. Richard said that the movie is actually great, he saw it.
Steve said that they spoke to Kamal and he hasn't spoken to his old Jerky Boys partner in 8 years. They'll have more on that story today on Howard 100 News. Gary said that he almost had a Jerky Boys reunion on the show but Kamal wanted nothing to do with it. Artie said he can't believe that they can't just get along well enough to put out another album. They have nothing else going on in their lives and they won't just sit down and make a few more phony phone calls.
Artie said that they had some problems with money and that's why they stopped talking. He went on to tell the story of the Jerky Boys and how they got started. The first album was just a couple of guys fucking around for their friends. Artie said that he still can't believe that they won't get back together. Even Van Halen got back together.
Steve said that Sal the Stockbroker got into some trouble on a flight when he wasn't able to turn off his iPod. It was taken from him because of that. Richard also had a problem where he peed on his pants on his flight and had to sit in his own urine. Steve said they have a story about Stuttering John doing some kind of bit on a web site and he doesn't seem to be stuttering all that much because he doesn't have all that much to say.
Steve said that they have a story about Howard's secret Santa plans and how they always get mentioned during those discussions. Steve had a couple of tother quick things he mentioned before Jon Hein came in.
Jon Hein said that they'll be talking about Jerry O'Connell's interview today on the Wrap Up Show. They'll also talk about James the college professor who came in with his former student to get topless. They'll also talk about Jim Karol's visit and Howard's burned arm.
Artie got into some baseball talk for a few minutes after Robin brought up a story about the way the season seems to be wrapping up. Artie was going on and on about who he thinks will be in the World Series. He said he'd like to see a Yankess/Phillies series this year. They also talked about football a little bit.
Howard said that he watched Jenna Bush being interviewed on 20/20 and he thought she turned out to be a great kid and now he's thinking that her father raised a good kid. Artie said that he didn't raise her so that's not true. They talked about that for a short time. Howard said he was impressed with her, so was Robin.
Howard said that he found out that Scott DePace was playing Halo 3 for 3 hours last night. He said you can look them up online and see how long they play. Scott said he didn't play for 3 hours yesterday. Howard said that it shows he was on for that long but Scott said he played for about an hour tops. Howard seemed to take his word for it and let him off the hook.
Scott DePace came in with a chocolate bar for Artie. Artie had some peanut butter in there and had nothing to dip it in. He now had chocolate to dip in there. Artie started dipping it in and eating it as Howard TV guys took shots of him gorging on the food. Artie said that this is the kind of stuff that makes him fat. Howard said the best thing is that he didn't even have to get up to get it, he just sat there and the candy came to him.
Gary said that he was sitting around the house last week watching a show on the Food channel and when he saw this chocolate factory place he wanted to go so the Howard TV guys are going to bring him over there for a tour. Artie wanted to go too so Gary told him he could come along with him.
Artie said that the chocolate and peanut butter wasn't good after French toast. He said it wasn't settling very well. Artie needed to wash it down so he needed some ice for his drink. Howard clapped and told Scott DePace to bring that in as well. Scott came back in a short time later with the ice but then Artie wanted better chocolate to go with his peanut butter. Scott said they were working on that.
Scott came back with a Hershey's chocolate bar. Artie said he hopes that the other chocolate didn't ruin his palate. He said he was just doing this as a bit at this point. He was gargling his soda and spilled it on his shirt so DePace came back in with a change of clothes for him a short time later.
Robin finished up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:00am.
Howard started off the show by taking a phone call. The caller said he thought it was disgusting that the staff doesn't get what Christmas is all about. He said that it's all about giving and they just don't get it. Howard said he's being driven nuts by this whole thing. He said Tim Sabean came to him and said that some of the guys were left off his list last year and they were upset about it. Howard said he just wants to have a good time and everyone can buy gifts for each other in the secret Santa thing.
Howard said Artie thought it was lame that he kept saying he's not the boss there. Howard said that this pat on the back thing that some of the guys are saying is really getting old too. He said that working there is the pat on the back. He said that if they don't like his secret Santa thing, he'll have a big meal there or something. He said that Doug saying that he doesn't do any of the work is ridiculous too.
Howard said he's not going to do a lame gift for everyone if he does buy gifts. He said he doesn't want people going out and buying him a gift that he's just going to throw in the garbage either. The people there need the money and they don't have to spend hundreds of dollars on gifts for him if he's just going to throw it in the garbage. He said that he doesn't want a Batman sword like Richard was talking about getting him.
Howard said that when David Haight says that he doesn't think that he cares about him, that hurts. He's the guy who works on Master Tape Theatrte and he's got a whole crew working for him. He said that he loves them but now he's being guilted into being selfish.
Howard said that Ralph doesn't buy a thing for anyone, ever. Artie said that Jason said that no matter what, there are people he's going to get gifts for. Howard said he's going to do the same thing but not there at work though. Artie said that Jason is doing it there at work. Robin thought it was funny that Scott DePace was going to take himself out of the secret Santa thing all together.
Howard said that he gets a lot of gifts every year and he sees what people are spending on him. He said it's just too much and a lot of it ends up in the trash. Artie said that if Jason is looking to give other people gifts, it might ruin the bit. Howard said that they shouldn't exchange gifts at all unless you personally want to do that. Howard said that he could get everyone a meal and have that catered. Robin said she wouldn't care about that and it wouldn't get any programming out of that. If they do the secret Santa thing, they'll be able to do something on the air.
Gary said that there are some people out there who think that they deserve a pat on the back for doing what they do. Gary said that it's a big moral boost there when he does give gifts. He said that people are saying that it's really big when he gives gifts.
Gary said that when they worked at K-Rock they used to get pissed when they would buy them a meal and not just give them money instead. Howard said that everyone is going to be pissed at him then because if they do the secret Santa thing, just one person is going to get something from him. He didn't want to keep discussing this. He said that they're going to do the secret Santa thing and that's it. He said he could pose for autographed pictures or something if they really want.
Howard and Fred talked about what went on and Fred was saying that there's a sequence that guys like that kind of know a person would go for. Howard said that it was very random and he can't imagine that it was something that Jim had predicted.
Howard said that he can't wait for Sarah Silverman to stop by later to smell Richard Christy's balls. The guys had heard Richard talking about not showering since Sunday and how he had been working out and taking a bunch of shits since that day. They talked about how disgusting he is by not cleaning himself up.
Howard said that he showers all the time and even right before they have sex he'll take a quick one just so he smells good while he's with Beth. Howard said that he didn't shower one time and he stunk up the room with his ass.
Howard asked Richard to describe what Sarah was going to be smelling today. He didn't get a chance to answer because the caller said that baby wipes kind of have a smell of their own that's not cool. Artie said that it's better than the smell of shit.
Artie said that Richard must smell like someone shit in a jack-o-lantern because he uses this pumpkin body wash stuff. Howard said that Beth was looking over a list of stuff that they get for free there at the station and she saw the pumpkin body wash stuff. He said he told Beth that someone was responding to Richard's shit stories and sending in that stuff for him.
The caller asked Richard where he goes for these haunted house things during this time of year. He was asking because he lives out in Pennsylvania and Richard goes out there for that. Richard said he goes to Reading, Pennsylvania for one haunted house thing and it's really great because they scare the shit out of you. The guys talked about how creepy Richard is with that stuff. Howard said if he wanted to scare the shit out of Richard, he'd just fill up a bucket with soap and water and chase after him.
Artie told Richard he's a fruit for doing this stuff. Howard said that Richard can't be scared if he does this stuff every year. He knows what's going to be coming out at him. He suggested that he go to South Central, Los Angeles and spend a night there instead.
Gary told Howard about something Richard was doing out in the hall with his cock and balls. They showed him out in the hall exercising and his cock was slapping against his body as he was jumping up and down. They also had video of him stretching and doing some sit ups and stuff. They were showing him squeezing the sweat off his balls and drinking it and Howard almost threw up when he saw that. He said they shot that yesterday for Sarah. Richard said he came up with that drinking of the sweat when he saw a puddle of it on the floor. Artie said he didn't know how to react to that.
Howard said that Sarah Silverman is going to come in and smell this stink that comes off Richard's balls. Richard said he smelled his balls this morning when he was in the bathroom and it was gross as hell. He said it would be worse if it was summer though. Howard said he doesn't know why Sarah wants to do this but it's funny as hell.
Artie asked Richard how long he'd go without showering. He said he couldn't go six months out of respect for his girlfriend. Artie asked him if his girlfriend was into all of this haunted house stuff before she started dating him. He doesn't think she was. The guys think that she'll hate it after she stops dating him.
The caller also asked Howard if he would have his wedding on pay-per-view. Howard said he won't do it. He said they have been approached by someone to have exclusive pictures at the wedding. He said he doesn't want to do that either but if he did, they'd probably give the money to charity.
Howard talked about Scott DePace playing Halo 3 for hours and hours. He said that he's not a Type-A personality like he claims he is. A Type-A wouldn't play video games for hours every day. Howard said he was looking at Scott's stats on xBox Live and he spends an awful lot of time playing games. Scott said that playing games are a way to escape that place.
Artie told Scott that he could be using that time to make more money. Scott said that Artie doesn't do anything after the show, he just works 5 hours there and then goes home. Artie said that he works a lot in the afternoons. He has to write stuff and then he does comedy shows on the weekends.
Howard said that he has a lot of stuff he does in the afternoons after the show. He said he just can't find the time to play games like Scott does. Scott said he's going to be watching the Phillies play. He won't have time to play Halo 3. Howard said that Scott plays that game so much that he's already completed it.
Howard said that there are some pictures out there of Oscar De La Hoya where he's dressed in women's clothing that are really bizarre. He played some audio from an Entertainment Tonight segment about the pictures. Oscar claims that the pictures were photoshopped but they had an interview with a woman who claims she took them and they're authentic. Oscar said that he was in that hotel at the time that the photos were supposedly taken but he still denies that they're real.
Howard said he was reading about how Howard K. Stern is suing Rita Cosby over her new book where she claims that he and Larry Birkhead were gay lovers. Howard talked about how odd it is that Howard K. Stern has the same name as him. He said that the name Howard isn't all that popular yet this guy has the same first and last name as him. Howard said his father said that he didn't know of that many Sterns when he was younger but now there are tons of them.
Howard read some other news stories and talked about those with the guys. They were talking about sexual harassment suits and how if Richard and Sal worked in a regular job, they'd be causing all kinds of lawsuits with their co-workers. Artie said that the situation with Sal is like a text book case of psychiatry where his view of women has been screwed up by the way his father treated women.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the show has been better than it's been in the past 20 years. He said that they're doing a great job there and the topics that they're covering and the guests they have are just great. He said that even Fred has been great in the past few weeks coming out of his shell. Howard said that Fred pops out of that shell every 75 years or so and he gets inspired to come out. Fred wasn't sure why he was coming out of that shell last week but he said he'd try to figure it out and keep doing it.
Artie said that he watched the Haydn Porter episode on Howard TV and he and Fred were being brutal toward the end of it with their Double A impressions. Howard said that is a fun episode to watch.
The caller on the line said that he had a question for Artie. He said that he's kind of like Artie with his weight. Howard ended up hanging up on the guy because he was getting bored with that discussion. The guy was saying that he bites the inside of his cheek for some reason. Howard couldn't take it and got rid of the guy.
Ralph called in and asked about this sexual harassment case they were talking about and how crazy some of those cases are. Howard said that a woman should be able to go to work without worrying about being hit on by the guys she works with. Howard was going to go to break a short time later.
Artie said that Nick just wanted a local following by doing local radio and that's what he had going for a few months. The station ended up tanking and they switched formats back to music and dropped Nick's show. Robin said that Howard is like the Godfather with people coming to him asking if he can do other shows like that. She said she heard that some people do the same with Jimmy Kimmel. They ask Jimmy if it's okay to do other talk shows.
Howard went into his Godfather impression and had some fun with that. They played the Godfather theme music and then some clips from the movie as well. Artie was doing some of his impression as well and giving Howard more material to do as The Godfather. Howard ended up talking about some of the imitators out there and goofed on them a little bit in his Godfather-like speech.
Artie said he can see people going to Howard about that stuff, but not Jimmy Kimmel. He said he loves Jimmy but he's not going to him to find out if he can do Conan too. Howard said that Stuttering John was afraid to come to him when he was going to the Tonight Show. He went into more of his Godfather stuff with him and Robin said that John could be like the Johnny Fontaine of the Godfather. Stuttering Johnny Fontaine is the name they came up with.
Howard wanted to know when she first realized he was watching her. She said she knew right away. She said she doesn't know why he does it but thinks that it's so he can keep in touch with the common person out there. Howard said that she's about as common as people get. She said he's right about that. She also said she knows that this sounds crazy but this has been going on for 7 and a half years.
Howard said that he's been getting bored with her not getting naked. She said that she's not that good looking. Howard said he likes her, he's actually a chubby chaser. He told her that she could avoid him following her by just wearing a tin foil hat. He told her to get some tin foil. She said she wasn't going to do that and seemed to get that he was goofing on her.
Erica said that she wants to meet with Howard just once so she can learn why he's watching her. Howard said that he's watching her and also watching one other person by the name of Mandy Schlitstein. Howard told her that she could be done with this by just wearing the foil hat. He said she could also say ''Shoo, Shoo retarded cameras'' and they'd go away.
Howard told Erica that maybe it's actually Howard K. Stern that's watching her. She said something about a letter that his staff had generated that came from Columbia university. She said that she didn't want to talk about it but Howard told her to go ahead and do it since he did generate it. She didn't want to get into it. She started to talk about it but sounded like she was on the verge of tears. She said that she really thinks that he's watching her and started to freak out.
Howard told Erica that she really needs to get to a hospital and get some help. He said that she's delusional and he knows that there's no convincing her that he's not actually watching her. He said he doesn't have a feed into her house or anything like that. Howard said he was having fun until he heard that she had a son. Howard wrapped up with her a short time later and went to break.
Howard said he heard some stuff from some people there about Ronnie making an appearance at Headquarters strip club and he's staying out late and coming into work in a mood. Ronnie said that he never threatened anyone about not being able to go to the new club. Howard said he believes it because Ronnie does have an attitude.
will came in and said that two people told him about what Ronnie said to them about not being allowed to come to the club. Ronnie said he wants to know who said it to him. will told the people to come forward if the wanted to. No one was coming in so Ronnie said that they're just making up stories about him.
Howard asked Ronnie why he has to threaten people. Ronnie said he's not threatening anyone and he didn't like the look on Howard's face as he was talking to him. Ronnie was saying that he didn't do anything wrong and asked about all of these other assholes there who go out on the street and make assholes out of themselves. At one point he was talking about Sal almost getting arrested on an ''aeroplane'' which led to the guys goofing on him about his use of the word.
Ronnie said he's going to be out at Headquarters again tonight for their 2nd anniversary. He said he doesn't want to hear this shit from Howard because he's not doing anything wrong. Howard went right into the prank call that Sal and Richard made to a tattoo shop using Ronnie clips where he's talking about being ''Scoresman'' and having tattoos.
Howard said that they have the source of the Page 69 story. He picked up on Jim McClure who said he was filling in for Scott the Engineer last week. He's the one that Ronnie told that he wasn't going to be on the list to go to ''wherever they land'' with the new strip club. Howard said that Ronnie uses this strip club thing with people. Jim said that Ronnie absolutely said it to him.
Ronnie came in and said he's got a witness of his own but that little asshole (Scott's intern) won't come in. Ronnie said that the intern was saying that Jim is full of shit. Howard had the ''little asshole'' come in to talk about this. He asked the intern to swear he was going to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. He then asked the intern if he heard any conversation about this stuff. He said he didn't hear any conversation about the strip club when he was in that studio. Jim said that the intern wasn't there but Jason was in the hallway and probably heard it.
Howard let the witness step down and had Jason come in. Jason said he didn't hear the conversation even though he'd love to have been there. He wasn't sure why Jim thought it was him. Jim said he wasn't running around trying to get on the air. He isn't making this up just to get air time like Ronnie thought he was. Howard asked Ronnie if he thinks that Jim would make up a story like this just to get on the air. Ronnie said that if he did say something like that, it would be in a joking manner.
Jim said that Ronnie has made threats like that before but Ronnie insists that he's just joking around when he does that kind of thing. He still wouldn't admit he did this to Jim, he just said ''if I did...'' and explained it that way. Howard told him he's like OJ and maybe he should write a book ''If I Did It'' about his threats.
Howard said that Ronnie folded under questioning but Ronnie said that he didn't fold at all. Sal came in and said that Ronnie said that to him one day. He said that Ronnie told him he was off the list because he makes fun of him. Ronnie told Sal that he can't go because he's been banned from Scores and now he's going to be banned from Headquarters. He just doesn't want him to be there.
Howard told Sal that he was using the wrong term when he was saying that Ronnie uses this thing as ''a pawn.'' Howard said that he's not using the right term but Sal thought he was using it the right way. Howard said that it's still disturbing to him that Ronnie is using this whole thing as a way to jerk people around.
Ronnie wanted to tell the guys why Sal was banned from Scores. Sal said he didn't want to go there because this was entrapment. Sal said Ronnie set him up this one night when he stuck his bare ass in Jason's face. That wasn't what Ronnie was talking about though. He said he had something else on Sal that he wanted to talk about. Sal told Ronnie that he's a real scumbag and he was breaking the cardinal rule of men. He told Ronnie that he didn't have anything to hide and said that he had pulled his cock out in front of a dancer. Ronnie said there were two other reasons as well.
Sal said that Gregg from Howard TV was there and he told one of the strippers that she had to see his cock. Howard told the two of them that they need to find another hobby and not spend so much time on this stuff. Ronnie said that he's having his party there at Headquarters and everyone will be invited. He wasn't sure about Sal though.
Sal said that he showed his cock to a girl one time and then another time he threw up at the bar. Ronnie said he had more on Sal but he wasn't sure if he should go there. Sal said that if that's the angle he wants to take then he should go ahead and do it. Howard told the two of them to get out of there, he was done with them.
Lisa said that she had one last thing about a new online magazine that's covering a story on Sal and Christine on the cover. They'll have more on that during today's Howard 100 News.
Howard said he got a note from Dee Snider yesterday. He said that the letter said that Dee is no longer going to be checking his e-mail multiple times during the day. He said that he has to get the e-mail monkey off his back and he's only going to check his mail once a day. Now he wants his friends to call him on the phone if they need him. Howard said that Dee is only checking his mail once a day now and he's never seen something like that. He wondered what Dee is doing that he can't check it more than once a day. Robin said he must have been checking it all day long.
Howard played Sal's apology tape which came about when Sal made a racist comment on the Wrap Up Show and they goofed on him by telling him he had to come up with a recorded apology. They told Sal that they were going to play the apology on the Wrap Up Show so he wouldn't get fired. As Howard was playing the clip Artie was laughing his ass off. Robin was laughing pretty hard too. Artie sounded like he couldn't breath from laughing so hard.
Howard also played some audio from Sal and Richard's studio when Sal found out he was ''in trouble'' over his racist comments. Sal was freaking out talking about the situation thinking that he was going to be fired about his comments about Miss Howard Stern having a black kid after getting drunk and having sex with a black guy.
Howard had some of the rejected apology recordings. He played through those and got a few more laughs out of Artie and Robin. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard said he stopped Sal in the hall and asked him if he's doing okay. Sal said he was fine so he just said ''Okay, great.'' and walked away.
Howard said that Jeff the Drunk was there this morning to show them his ass. The last time he was in he revealed that he had an infection on his ass cheek and that led to him going to the hospital and having it operated on. He's shaved his head now but he's still drinking. Howard said Jeff used to have a greasy head of hair on his head but now that's gone. Robin said that he's really not better looking, he's got an ugly head. Artie said he looks like Lex Luthor if he'd let himself go.
Howard said that the doctors are saying that if Jeff hadn't treated this pressure ulcer on his ass, he could have died. Jeff said that he met a guy a couple of months ago who had the same thing and he's now paralyzed from the waist down. Howard said this was Jeff's chance to thank him for getting him some help. Jeff gave him a half-hearted thank you but Howard wasn't impressed with it. Jeff tried a little harder and gave him another thank you that was a little better.
Howard said that Jeff had an operation where they made a 13 inch incision. Then they had to do some skin grafts and his body actually rejected his own skin. Howard said that this is all because Jeff can't wipe himself properly. Jeff said that it has nothing to do with that. He said that it all came about after he was confined to a wheelchair for two years. He said that it's been festering for the past 20 years and that's where it came from.
Howard said that Jeff is the grossest guy on the planet. Artie said that there's no way that Jeff has a clean ass this morning. Jeff said he can clean his ass and his ass looks fabulous. Howard asked him to pull his pants down so they could see it. It's still all taped up with a bandage so he needed some help with that. Howard asked if they could put the bandage back on if he takes it off. Jeff said that would be fine. Will was willing to be the one to take the bandage off and put it back on.
Jeff told Howard that he had this wound vac that he had to get to suck out the puss from his ass. Will said that Jeff is a complete mess and went to pull off the bandage. It looked awful according to Howard. He had a big wad of cotton stuffed up his ass. Howard said it looked better but it sounded like he was about to vomit. Artie asked him how he takes a shit with that mess back there. Jeff said he can do that just fine and said that he can take a shower about an hour before they come to change the dressing.
Howard asked Jeff how many times a day he shits. Jeff said it's not even once a day. He said they should know his shitting schedule. Howard asked him why he's still drinking and smoking weed after all of this. Jeff didn't really have an explanation. He's just being Jeff the Drunk.
Jeff talked about the skin graft he had done and how he ripped it off when they moved him from one bed to another. He thinks that's where it went wrong. Howard said that you can check out Jeff's web site at Myspace.com/TheRealJeffTheDrunk. He wrapped up with him a short time later and thanked him for coming in. Jeff asked if he could sing before he left. He asked to sing this song ''Family Tradition'' for him. Howard said that the guys should have come in and grabbed Jeff to take him out of there as he was saying goodbye to him.
Will came in and said that he was on his way in when he heard Howard talking to Jeff about the singing. Howard said that Will shouldn't have left the room. He went off on Will and Gary about not getting Jeff out of there before he asked to sing this song. He didn't want to look like an asshole by not letting him sing now. Sal had on his Gary mask and goofed on Gary about screwing up again. He was running around with the mask so Howard had him pretending to walk out of the room when he asked him to take Jeff out of there.
Howard played the music for Jeff and let him sing this awful country song for them. He went through the song and Fred threw in some dog barking and growling sounds as Howard and the guys laughed at Jeff. Fred also threw in some Iron Sheik audio clips to go along with him. Howard cut off the music and thanked Jeff once again for coming in. This time Will came in and took him out even though his pants were falling down. Will was pulling him out and not helping him with his pants. Robin was laughing her ass off as that was going on.
Jeff said that he wanted to finish the song but Howard said he was done. Ronnie came in and told him it was time to go. Howard told him he has to go when they say it's time to go. Jeff said goodbye but then tried to talk to Howard again. His pants were still falling down so he managed to delay his leaving by screwing around with that. Robin ended up laughing her ass off again when she saw that Jeff had the confederate flag on his shirt and Artie started doing his Jeff impression and saying ''The South will rise again!''
Howard said that Gary was going to search for those clips. In the mean time he played a new Baba Booey song parody to the tune of the Halloween movie theme song.
Howard said that last week they were talking to those porno guys and one of them said that he had put out a Howard Sperm movie. He said they got that movie and he had clips to play. He had Dominic Barbara on the line and he was saying that both Britney and Kevin Federline are going to be drug tested and they're going to use hair samples to check. That may be why Britney shaved her head a few months ago. He thinks that Britney is going to destroy herself financially with this whole thing as well. He said that it's really sad to see her doing all of this stuff.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he doesn't like the way his guys talk to him. Howard said that he thought he had a legitimate argument talking to those guys about the way they handled the Jeff the Drunk thing. Gary said that Will was in charge of the segment and he heard Jeff talking more about singing so he let him stay in there. Sal was there goofing on Gary so Gary ended up throwing some stuff at him and trying to close his door. Gary said he had to try and concentrate. Gary said they're not trying to sabotage the show or anything. Howard said he knows that but it still has to be worked out.
Howard got back to the Howard Sperm Show audio clips. He played one where the guy was introducing the ''Howard Sperm Show'' and doing a really lame radio guy impression. Howard said that porn guys are really horrible actors. He said that they're not even as good as high school play actors. He said he's never seen such a lack of talent before. It's not just a couple of guys, it's like the whole industry is full of bad actors.
Howard played more of the awful acting and said that they should have asked him to write a couple of lines for the movie. The content they had was just horrible. They had no energy in the scene he played. He played another clip where they had Howard Sperm getting blown by ''Robin'' while he took a phone call. He heard a few seconds of that and said that it sounds like a home made movie that a kid would make.
Howard wondered why Robin doesn't really blow him during the show. He said that maybe he should try that sometime and see if he could concentrate while having that done to him. Howard said this was depressing to listen to. He played another clip where they had a Baba Booey impersonator who was actually doing an impression of Gary that was slightly amusing.
Howard said there's another clip where the Howard Sperm character wants to bang a chick who wants to syndicate his show in 53 markets. The acting was horrible in the scene so Howard talked about that. He said that it's almost inconceivable that they can't do some type of acting. The movie was horrible according to Howard. He said there's nothing fun about it at all.
Howard played some audio from Regis and Kelly's show where Kelly is talking about how upset she is about Britney's kids being taken from her. She said that it's hard to imagine that someone's kids were taken from them. Regis got in on it too and said that it didn't make any sense to him. He said that they had interviewed her over the years and this was all kind of crazy.
Howard played a clip from The View where the girls were talking about Britney's kids being taken. Elisabeth said she felt heartsick when she heard that the kids had been taken away. She said that she got sad when she heard that they were taken and assumed that Britney would have had the power to pull off all of the stuff she was asked to do for the court. Whoopi said that she thinks that this may be the best thing to happen to Britney. Howard agrees with her there. He thinks that she can go out on tour and make some good money now. He said that she'll probably get better now that the kids aren't around.
Howard said that some women have kids and then realize that they don't like having kids. Howard played a little more of Kelly Ripa talking about Britney's kids and how tough her life is with all of the photographers following her around. Howard had to go to break after that. He said that Nick DiPaolo was going to come in after the break. They also had Sarah Silverman coming in to smell Richard's dirty balls too.
Howard came back a short time later and had the guys bring Nick DiPaolo in. He said that he looked different with his new hair cut. Nick said he should look different, he hasn't been there in years. Howard said that he had no problem with Nick doing the radio show but he didn't have a problem with him coming in. Howard heard that Nick is depressed after losing his radio show. Nick said he loved doing the radio show too. He said that he enjoyed it as much as stand up if not more. He said that people knew him from Comedy Central and they just did stuff out of the paper and it was good.
Howard asked Nick about his show and said he heard that his conservative views all came out during his show. Nick said that he's going to vote for Giuliani as long as this Hillary Clinton doesn't get in. He said that he even backs Bush with the War in Iraq. He said that they should have gone there and he's thought that all along.
Artie said that he tuned in to hear Nick's show one day after the Imus thing happened and he was goofing on Hillary Clinton. Howard said he likes Hillary and he thinks she's doing a good job.
Howard said that Nick was working at the station where he used to work. Nick said that he wasn't kidding about the bad air conditioning there. He said they had some horrible working conditions there. Nick said he wasn't shocked when he heard that he wasn't going to have a job there anymore. He said they were bleeding money there after Howard left.
Howard asked Nick if he had meetings with everyone there and had them trying to straighten him out. Nick said that John Mainelli was the Program Director there and Howard had a little bit of a problem with him. Howard said that he read all of his internal memos about him and how he was campaigning against him. Nick said that John was actually great and he was the one who hired him over there. Nick said he liked that they weren't sticking their beaks into his show too much.
Nick said that he found out he didn't have his show anymore when he was out painting his house one day. He said that he had to paint his own house because the prices they were getting for having it painted were ridiculous. He said that they wanted like 15 grand to do it so he and his wife decided to try it and they started in May and just finished recently.
Howard said he heard that Nick was worried about Artie when he was gaining all of this weight. Nick said that he hears about everything. Nick said he asked Artie to come over for a barbecue one day and he never heard back from him. Artie said that Nick has this really nice house in Westchester and he wanted to go to the barbecue but he wasn't able to go.
Howard asked Nick if he thought that Artie was taking a downward spiral when he didn't hear back from him. Nick said that did kind of come to mind. Nick has seen Artie drink before so he knows how bad it can get. Nick said he got worried out in Detroit when he saw Artie come up the stairs and looked like he'd just run two marathons. He said that he worries about the guy when he sees him like that. He said that he was looking ripped in Beer League which he had just seen two nights before.
Artie said that there's an article in this New York Sun newspaper that says ''Don't Die Artie.'' It's actually an ad for a drug and alcohol rehab center or something like that. Nick said he loves Artie but he wouldn't go to that place.
Howard asked Nick if he hates Sal because he's had to work with him at these comedy shows. Artie said that Sal and Nick do have a bit of tension between them. Howard said that he doesn't think that Sal likes Nick personally. Sal came in after that to talk about it. Howard gave Nick a plug for a show he's doing at Bananas Comedy Club in Hasbrouck Heights, NJ this weekend.
Sal said that he thinks of Nick like he does Howard. He's a big fan of his and when he met him he was shot down by Nick. Sal said that he was really nervous because he wasn't doing a lot of comedy at the time. He said that Nick walked in and he said hello to him and Nick just said ''Jesus'' and gave him a disgusted look. Nick made some comments about him and they were kind of rude.
Howard asked Nick if it's depressing when he does shows with guys like Sal who isn't even really a comedian. Nick said that he felt kind of like he knew Sal when he met him and that's why he was saying the stuff he was. Artie said that he gave Sal 15 minutes to do at this show they were doing back then. He gave him that much time but Sal ended up doing 8 minutes. He said that he's been getting better and better since then but back then he forgot his opening joke punch line. He blew it that night.
Sal told the joke that he was going to tell at this show where he screwed up and forgot the punch line. He said that he was going to say that he'd heard it was dark in Detroit and when he got there he wasn't sure if he should call the cops or develop film. He blew that and forgot the punch line all together after starting the joke.
Howard told Sal to leave because he was talking to Nick. Nick said that he's been offered more radio shows but he doesn't want to move to do one. Nick said that one day Artie told him that he'd be great up in his home town of Boston. He agreed and then about 4 hours later he gets a note from Mainelli who tells him that there's an opening at a station up there. He said that they were going through a few people and they would have taken him but he wasn't living up there at the time. Nick said that's retarded because they had a guy on up there in Boston who did his show out of his house from Long Island for a couple of years.
Artie said that Nick could do a show up there in Boston because he's only about 3 hours from Boston and he knows the city since he used to live there. Nick said that he's going to wait for an opening there in the city, or maybe Howard will throw him something. Howard said he'd put him on there but he doesn't know enough about the rest of the country and they broadcast to the whole country. He was joking of course.
Nick said he had an idea for an animated roast that he pitched. Artie said this was a brilliant idea because you can roast anyone in history. Nick said that FOX loved the idea but then something happened and they didn't pick up the idea. He said that Peter Lagori loved the idea for the show but they needed to work on it. Then this guy Kevin Riley gets hired at FOX and he dropped the project. Howard said that's the guy who dropped Son of the Beach from FX. Nick said that it just went away after that.
Howard gave Nick some more plugs for his comedy show at Bananas. Nick said that he was really loving that radio show he did and it made his comedy even better. Then he went back to doing comedy and his act was all fucked up. He said that he's been working on it ever since and he's getting back to where he was.
Artie said that he did a show at the comedy cellar with Nick not too long ago and Nick pissed off a woman there. Artie said that the woman told him to say something funny so Nick immediately came out with ''fuck you cunt'' and probably upset her.
Howard gave Nick a plug for his web site NickDip.com and Nick threw out the phone number for Bananas so people can get tickets for that. Artie also threw out a plug for a show that they're doing with Nick this month. Artie mentioned that they're doing the show with Jim Florentine so Howard asked him if he knows that Robin is dating Jim. Nick didn't know because he hasn't been able to hear the show lately with bad reception up there in Westchester. Howard told him to try the internet. They spent a minute talking about Robin going out with Jim and Robin denying that she's dating him. They just went out to dinner one time.
Fred did his Jim Florentine impression a little bit. Howard asked Nick what he thinks about this Britney Spears thing. Nick said you know things must be bad if they're saying that K-Fed is a better parent then her. He said he's kind of happy that the father of the kids got custody for once.
Howard thanked Nick for coming in and told him he was very excited about him getting his own radio show. Howard said he was fine with him trying to make a career in radio. Nick said that he was kind of worried because of the Opie and Anthony thing and the John Mainelli stuff that was going on. Howard said that he really doesn't know John or Opie and Anthony. He said that he's not at war with anyone, they're all at war with him. He said that he's already won the war as far as he's concerned.
Howard asked Sarah if she was wearing that outfit to The View today. He didn't seem that impressed with the look. Sarah said she got dressed up last night for David Letterman. She said that this is daytime TV she's doing today so she's a little more covered up for that. Howard said that it was actually a good look for the ball sniffing thing.
Howard asked Sarah if she would drop Jimmy Kimmel if she could get Letterman. She said ''probably'' but it would be nice to get both coasts and have both of them.
Howard said that he's not liking this sweater look on Sarah and she should have something sexier. Sarah said that the dress she wore last night was the same one she wore at the awards show she did. Howard said he knows that Teddy has a crush on Sarah and he made sure to hide out in the hallway when she showed up today. Sarah wondered if she should fuck him. Artie told her not to because that would take his mind off of work.
Howard asked Sarah if she's not going to dress up sexy anymore when they go on vacation from now on. Sarah said that she doesn't think she ever will. Howard said she always covers up when she's out even if it's warm out. Sarah said that she just wanted to smell Richard's balls and not talk about this stuff.
Howard gave Sarah a plug for her show that airs tonight on Comedy Central at 10:30. He then had Richard come in to fill Sarah in on what he had done since Monday to make his balls stink. Howard asked Sal to write down what he smelled in the past when he was near Richard's balls.
Howard showed Sarah a tape that the Howard TV guys got of Richard working out and getting all sweaty to make his balls really smelly. Sarah said she'd love it if the fans could see this right as she was seeing it. After all of that Richard squeezed the ball sweat off his balls and drank it. Sarah started to dry heave when she saw that. She didn't think it was real but Howard told her it was definitely real. Richard said that it was about 90 degrees in his apartment when he was doing that. He made sure he was as hot as possible during that work out.
Howard had Richard spread his legs for Sarah. She said she was going to stay about 12 inches away from him and take a sniff. Howard told Sarah to go over to Richard who had been wearing the same underwear since Monday. He has taken 3 or 4 shits, masturbated about 3 times and he's sweat a lot since Sunday when he last showered. He said he usually changes his underwear every 2 or 3 days.
Howard asked Sarah what she thinks of Richard's penis. She said that this isn't that crazy, they do stuff like this in the writing sessions for her TV show. She said that they've been spinning their wheels a lot lately and that's what they do. Sarah noticed that Richard has some odd things on his asshole. Richard said he thinks that it's from wiping too hard and showed her how they disappear when he pushes out. He showed it but the pussy lips on his asshole didn't go away according to the guys in there.
Richard said that this is real bravery for Sarah to do something like this. She couldn't get past the look of his asshole and kept asking him about that. Will could smell Richard but Sarah hadn't gotten a sniff yet. Then she dry heaved all of a sudden when she did catch a whiff. She didn't think she'd gag but she did. She then went in for another smell and said that she could smell something. She said that she was writing it down and then gagged again. She almost threw up for real. She was coughing and dry heaving more after she moved away.
Sarah described the smell as sour dough, yeasty dough mixed with mayonnaise that was left in a 1970s car trunk for a year with gym socks in the trunk. Sal then came in and said that it smelled like ass, cheese, sour milk and a couple of other things. Howard said he might have to smell it himself. Richard said that would be the ultimate. Howard said he might puke if he does it.
Sarah told Howard he has to do it and go in to smell it. She said that he doesn't have to get close, he can stay far away and still smell it. Howard asked Robin if she'd do it if he did it. Sal said that he'd do it. Artie said they know that he'd do it. Robin said she took Richard's temperature so she doesn't have to do this. Fred asked Sarah if she'd do it again now that she knows the smell. Sarah said she probably wouldn't do it again. She said she'd do it and she did it like she said she would.
Howard said he was going to do it but he didn't know why. yesterday he let a Psychic Mad Man burn him and today he's sniffing balls. Richard said that he never dreamed that the great Howard Stern would be sniffing his balls. Sarah said she wants a picture of this so bad. Howard described what he was seeing on Richard's balls and there was some white stuff there. He wondered if it was cum or something. Richard said it might be a cheese type product.
Howard went in for the smell and Howard started to gag. Everyone in the studio started laughing and Howard said that he stunk worse than a fucking dog. He said he wanted to die after that. He said he doesn't know how they came up with a description because it's like a monster that hits you like a ton of bricks all of a sudden. He said that someone else has to smell it. Artie said that he'd rather go back to working in construction than smell his balls.
Richard asked Fred if he'd smell it. Fred said that he does not like green eggs and ham... and Richard so he wasn't sniffing him. Sal said that he had to use Clorox wipes to get the smell out of his nose. Sarah said that the only way to get rid of that smell is to kill yourself. She said she has to go do The View now. Richard asked her if she's going to talk about that on The View. She said ''Of course I will!''
Sal asked Sarah if they could smell her vagina. She said that it smells like Lavender and peppermint. She said that Sal was pitching her some more ideas for smelling his foreskin and stuff before she came in. Howard said that it's enough of this. He gave Sarah another plug for her show and wrapped up with her a short time later. They went to break after that.
Will said that he'd do it but they knew that he wouldn't puke. Gary said he started to gag when he heard Howard gagging. Richard was showing Gary his disgusting area and asked if he'd sniff his fingers after he wiped them on his balls. Gary wasn't going to do it. Howard kept asking him to do it but Gary said he really didn't want to do it. He eventually started to move in but then backed out when he started to gag just thinking about doing it.
Artie said he could throw up just thinking about it like Gary was doing. Howard asked Gary to go in there and try to see how close he could get. Gary was about 15-18 feet away so Howard asked him to move in to 12 feet. Gary moved in to about 7 feet and stopped. Gary said that his instincts are to not breath in through his nose. He got up to about 3 or 4 feet and then a foot away. He wasn't smelling anything though. Gary started to gag and cough. He said he got a tiny smell and he started to gag. He said he got about 1/10th of what Howard and Sarah got. He knows that he'll throw up if he goes in closer. He said he was done at that point.
Richard asked if they could get Scott DePace in there. Howard said he knows he won't do it. He got back to the commercial and finished that up.
Howard said that Ronnie is being chased down the hall by Richard's ball sweat covered hands. He said this should make for a great Howard TV episode.
Steve Langford came in with his Howard 100 News preview. He said that they'll have a story about Angry Black being arrested for simple assault at a Chili's restaurant. He started to argue with someone there and the woman ended up on the floor after banging her head. Howard wondered what that's about and thought it was kind of nuts to attack a woman.
Steve also said that they'll have more about this ''Don't Die Artie'' ad that was in the paper. They don't use Artie's last name in the ad but it does seem to be aimed at him. Steve said they'll have an update on the USO turning Artie down for the offer to go to Iraq to perform for the troops. He said that they didn't respond to questions about him being rejected because of his association with the Stern Show. Steve said that Scott Ferall is having his second child, probably tomorrow. Howard congratulated him on that and wrapped up with Steve.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. They're going to talk about Sarah Silverman's visit and everything that went on during that segment. Howard said he can't even describe that smell. Jon said they'll talk about Jeff the Drunk's visit and also some Ronnie the Limo Driver stuff.
Steve the Intern was in and said that they'll have an intern who does slam poetry and will be performing one of her poems about the staff there at SIRIUS. Howard said he read it and even though he doesn't like poetry, he liked that one. Tune in to hear the Intern Show tonight at 7 on Howard 101.
Howard said that Beetlejuice was drinking heavily and all of a sudden he had this moment of clarity and remembered something that Sal had done to him about 3 years ago. Sal said that when you mix alcohol and Beetlejuice's brain, something connects in there. Howard played the tape and you hear Beet yelling at Sal about talking shit about him. Sal said he wanted to settle that with him but nothing was settled. Sal said that they have the part where Beet has that moment of clarity for a Howard TV special that's going to air soon. They didn't have that to play right then apparently. Howard thanked Sal for that and had Robin get back to her news.
Howard took a call during the news from a guy who said that this ass sniffing thing that just went down is going to go down in history as one of the greatest moments in show history. The guy also suggested a bit that they haven't played in a long time. Howard said that Artie was actually sleeping over there in his chair. He told the guys to get the air horn to wake him up. JD came in a short time later with the air horn and woke him up with that. Artie woke up and very quietly said ''fuck you guys'' really slow. He said he made a mistake and ate two cupcakes so he was crashing big time from the sugar high.
Howard heard that Gary had 3 black and white cookies by 6 this morning. Gary said that they weren't those really big ones, they were the size of chip-a-roos.
Howard said that there's a story in the news about Imus coming close to going back to radio. He said that Citadel Broadcasting may be bringing him back to one of their stations in the area. That led to the guys talking about Imus and his crew. Howard claims that one of his guys used to call them all the time asking for a job but then he'd go right back to kissing Imus' ass on the air.
Howard told Artie to go back to sleep. Artie said he was really crashing from all of the sugar he'd had. He woke up a bit more and started talking sports with Robin and the guys. Howard liked the way Artie was talking about Ricky Williams screwing up his career by leaving football to smoke pot. Meanwhile Artie was doing heroin a few years ago and could have lost his job doing that.
Robin got back to her news and read through a few more stories. Howard had a special guest come into the studio late in the show. He had Richard and a friend of his, Jennifer, sitting in during the news. He spent a minute talking to them before having Robin finish up her news. She had just another couple of stories to go over before they were done. Artie was awake enough to get in a plug for an upcoming comedy show. Howard ended the show around 10:50am.
Howard started off the show by taking a phone call first thing. The caller asked Howard what the deal is with the History of Howard Stern special. Howard said that he heard that David Letterman even participated in this thing. It goes from his birth right through his whole career. The special is supposed to run a full week from what he's heard. They're going to go over his whole history. Howard asked Gary when it was supposed to start. He didn't know so he asked Gary who said he had just been told but forgot by the time he got in there.
Gary said that there were six guys who yelled out dates to him. Jon Hein came in and told Howard that it was actually December 17th that it's going to start. He knew it was a certain week of December and figured it was the 17th so he came in and filled them in. Howard and Robin were goofing on Gary about the whole thing.
Howard asked Gary when that date was to make sure he had heard it. Gary remembered it was the 17th. Howard played a Baba Booey song parody for him after that. The caller asked Howard who's coming up next on the Stern Spotlight show. Howard had no idea.
Artie said that they put butter on parts of the bagel but it doesn't hit all of the nooks and crannies. He said that he had to add butter to the bagel that he got this morning. Howard said the whole thing was drenched in butter and he was out of his mind.
Howard pointed out that Artie had fallen asleep yesterday during the show. He said that people got pissed that JD didn't get the air horn right. The caller asked Howard a trivia question about what Artie's favorite thing was in the vending machine when they first started there. Howard didn't remember but took a few guesses. It was actually strawberry Pop-Tarts that he was enjoying the most back then.
The guys talked to Artie about the food he's been eating lately. Fred also threw in the ''Artie Loves The Vending Machine'' song parody while they were on that subject.
Artie said that he's going to be speaking at the Connecticut School of Broadcasting soon because he's their most successful graduate. He laughed as he was telling the guys that fact.
Another caller talked about how great it was that Howard had sniffed Richard Christy's balls yesterday. Robin said that she looked at Richard yesterday and said that she realized that he was part of some stellar radio yesterday. Another caller said that Sarah Silverman had gone up 30 notches in his book. He liked that she did what she did for the show yesterday. He was also saying that he knows a friend who owns an electronics store and he sells both XM and SIRIUS satellite radio and claims that SIRIUS outsells XM 3-1. Howard said that he's seen sales figures that show that they're doing very well against XM and that's what brought about this merger talk.
Howard took another call and ended up talking about how he's eventually going to have to become a phony in his real life instead of being the real person he is on the air. He said he's going to be so phony that he'll be able to run for President. Artie said that it's true that you don't know what Howard's opinion is of something until he says it on the air.
Howard said that he had some audio of Jonny describing what went on. He played the clip where Jonny talked about what happened to him. He claimed that he was hugging Danny so Howard cut it off and said that when someone jumps on you, you can't always be prepared for what's happening and Danny did what he had to do to get him off of him. He played the audio of Jonny talking about his teeth getting knocked out and about the bones that got broken when he got thrown.
Jonny has filed charges against Danny already but Howard said he thinks that they could file charges against Jonny for attacking Danny. He had some audio of Danny talking about the way he saw it happen. Danny said that he was attacked and threw the guy off. He explained what had happened and how the guy had run at him at full speed and started squeezing him so he just grabbed his pants and tossed him off.
Danny said that he didn't like Jonny for what he did on Survivor for telling people that his grandmother had died to get some sympathy. He said he's sorry the guy got hurt but he wasn't sure if he was going to get hurt himself. He figures that if they look at the tape they'll see that it was self defense. Howard said that there's a good chance that will happen.
Artie didn't know about that guy saying that his grandmother had died on Survivor. Howard said he had forgotten about it until he read about it in the reports about this thing. Howard said the guy came off as kind of fruity on the show, but not fruity in a gay way, just in a weird way.
Howard played the TMZ audio from the award show where Jonny was getting booed and Danny came out to let him know why that was. Jonny then runs up to him and hops on Danny. Then Danny tosses him off and Jonny gets up and stumbles off. They were watching the video in the studio so Artie said that wasn't what he expected and he thinks that Danny is fucked. Fred agreed and said that Danny was watching and he saw it coming. Fred said that a jury is going to see that and they're going to award him a lot of money.
Fred and Artie were saying that it seems like Howard and Robin weren't watching the same tape that they were. They thought that Danny could have handled the whole thing differently than he did. Howard said that someone who is attacked should have the right to defend themselves even if it means throwing someone over your head. Robin said that the guy was wiggling around and humping Danny which is something he wasn't ready for. Fred said that it was an attack but it wasn't excessive force and Danny shouldn't have thrown him over his head like that. Howard said that Jonny was a wrestler for a while so he could have done something to Danny.
Howard and Fred went at it for a short time and then Robin and Fred did the same. Robin told Fred he was out of his mind and he was convincing her that he really is out of his mind. Howard said he wanted to bet Fred that they'll find Danny innocent of any wrongdoing.
Artie was on Fred's side and arguing along with him but Howard and Robin were both saying that Danny was just defending himself. Artie said that Danny was holding the guy for like 5 seconds and he wasn't thrown off balance. He said that he wasn't being hurt by that jump onto him. Howard said that he could have thrown his back out by jumping on Danny.
Artie said he thinks that Danny did something that was fucked up there. Fred said that the network might get into trouble too because they kind of set him up. Howard said he's had people run up to him and jump on and you wonder what to do as it's happening. He said that as they're jumping he tries to make a quick decision, support their weight or go down. He said that 100 percent of the time he's tried to catch them but he usually falls if he does that. Artie wanted them to count how many seconds Danny was holding the guy. Howard said it doesn't matter. If that was him, he would do what he had to do to get the guy off of him. He said you can't jump up on another human being like that.
The guys watched the video again and everyone stuck with their views on the whole thing. Howard said that if you jump on another person, expect to be thrown off. Artie said that Danny was holding the guy for 4 seconds so he wasn't out of control and staggering like he claimed he was. Howard said that if you do something unexpected to someone like that, you have to expect to be tossed off. He said that was an attack no matter which way you look at it.
Fred said that if someone like Steve the Intern jumped on him, he wouldn't do something to hurt him because he's so much smaller than him. Gary came in and said that he doesn't think this has anything to do with size or anything like that. He said that a guy can't just jump on another guy. He said he didn't know where Artie and Fred were coming from with this argument. Howard said he was going to file a lawsuit against Fred for being so crazy this morning.
Dominic Barbara called in and said he's on Howard's side in this. He said that you are allowed to use ''reasonable force'' in a case like this. Fred assumed that Dominic hadn't seen the tape yet. Howard said he's just telling them the law. Fred said he was on Danny's side until he saw the video. Fred said that this wasn't reasonable force in his opinion. Robin said that it was reasonable because that was his only choice. Danny's arms were stuck below Jonny so he had to move his arms up to get him off.
Howard said that Dominic wasn't able to get a word in with Fred filibustering. Dominic wanted to give them an example of something similar. He said that he had a client who had a guy come up to him to punch him in the face. His client had a gun and told the guy to back off. The other guy said ''fuck you'' and came at him anyway so the guy shot him. It turns out it was a cop though so Fred and Artie said that was a totally different situation.
Howard asked Fred what he would do if he had a fan run up to him and jump on him like this Jonny Fairplay did. He asked Fred if he had the right to throw him off. Fred said he wouldn't throw him over his head, he'd do something else. Fred said that he would drop to the ground on top of the guy and immobilize him. Robin said that you don't know what that guy is going to have on him as far as weapons go. Fred said that's a different situation because this was on an award show.
A cop called in and said that Danny wasn't beating the guy after he threw him off so it was reasonable force. Howard said he wishes that Fred would throw his microphone over his head. Fred was telling the cop that he has to see the video first before he comments on this.
Another caller said that Danny had to have a perceived threat when that guy jumped on him. Artie said that Danny was laughing as Jonny was hanging on to him and he held him there for 4 seconds. Fred said that it wasn't a planned stunt, it was spontaneous.
Howard said he was tired of this discussion but they kept going. Fred said that he looks at Jonny's move more as a Jackass move than a threatening move. Howard asked Fred a hypothetical question about having something similar happen to him. He said that maybe Fred pushes a guy off of him ''the right way'' and the guy still ends up hitting his head and dying. Should Fred go to jail. Fred thought for a second and said he shouldn't go to jail.
The woman on the phone changed subjects and said she saw Sal and Christine on Howard TV last night and it was odd to see Sal's wife Christine laughing the whole time. She said she was very aggravated to see that.
Howard let the caller go and said that he didn't want to hear Fred arguing anymore. They got right back into it though. He changed subjects and took a phone call from a guy who said that he's the one who makes this pumpkin shower stuff that Richard uses. The guy said that it's not actually home made, it's from his business. He said you can find it at SmellyThings.biz.
Howard said he's glad when he sees stuff like that. He's very happy with those results. Howard asked Fred if he's going to continue to argue this stuff during the break. Fred said that he and Robin are brilliant and they know everything. Howard went to commercial break a short time later.
Howard said that Tim was pissed about the story and that's why he stopped it. Tim said that's not the case, he just didn't need to hear the shit and it was a total non-event. Howard told him not to try and cover stories up like that. He told him that Lisa G once did a story about the green room couch, let them do what they want.
Lisa G came in with her Howard 100 News preview after that. Lisa came in and said that Shuli was told to stop that story by Tim. She went on to say that George Takei is having an asteroid named after him. She said they'll have more on that today on Howard 100 news. They also have a new Page 69 from Jason and Will. They say that Scott DePace is recruiting other staffers to be on his side in his war against Jason.
Lisa said that Scott had played against Jackson Dell'Abate in Halo 3 last night. Scott came in and said that story about him trying to recruit people is not true. They spent a few minutes on that subject and Howard told Scott to just put a smile on his face and go with it.
Lisa said that there are some anti-Jason things going on there at the station. His new medication is working very well and he's getting kind of cocky. Lisa said that Sal and Richard are claiming that they're revolutionizing the show lately with the stuff they're doing on the show. Howard said that it was actually Sarah Silverman who raised the bar by smelling Richard's balls, it wasn't Sal.
Howard said that Ronnie is threatening to tell these stories on the air and it's really not right. He said that it can freak out the women in the guy's lives even if they didn't do anything all that wrong. Howard said that Ronnie is doing the wrong thing and he wants him to know that. Howard said that these guys are in relationships and you just shouldn't bring any of that stuff up on the air.
Howard said Ronnie is pulling this stuff out a lot when he's arguing with people on the show these days. It's just not right. Howard said that Ronnie is like an entrapment guy who gets guys to do stuff and then uses those things against them.
Howard asked where Ronnie was because he wanted to tell him this stuff. He came in a short time later and said that he doesn't know why people can attack him but he can't attack back. Howard said that those things that are coming up are things that shouldn't be brought up on the air. He said that people really hate him when he does that stuff. Ronnie said he doesn't care.
Howard read through some of the e-mail he's gotten about Ronnie lately and the fans really don't like him for threatening the people on the show the way he does. Howard said that he's not going to go to his party because he's afraid that he's going to threaten him by saying he's going to tell on him. Howard said that Ronnie went off on Will and Sal yesterday and threatened to talk about stuff they did at the strip clubs.
Ralph called in and said that he doesn't know where to start with this guy. He said that Ronnie is a phony and he's just now starting to go to this Headquarters place. Ralph said he's been going to that place for a long time now and he doesn't get why Ronnie is just going there because Lonnie isn't at Scores anymore. Ralph said that Scores was a shithole for a while. Howard hung up on him before he got into that too much.
A phone caller said that he had to defend Ronnie here. He was saying that Ronnie just wanted to talk about the way Sal got kicked out of the strip club. Howard said that you just don't do that kind of stuff with other guys. If you go to a strip club, you don't tell anyone what happens there.
Sal came in to talk about something he'd done with Ronnie one time where he recorded him when he was really drunk. Ronnie said that he was really drunk when he did that interview and he shouldn't have had a recorder there with him that day. Ronnie ended up walking out of the studio really pissed off at everyone. Howard said that Will is afraid to argue with Ronnie because of these threats of telling stories about him on the air.
Howard wanted Artie to tell everyone what he was eating. Artie said that he got a frozen mocha frapachino. He knows he's a little out of control with that stuff.
Howard said that Toni Coburn, his hair stylist, was telling him about this show on BBC America where this woman makes people lose weight by yelling at them. She will take out piles of sugar and making people out of hamburger and stuff. He said that he wrote down the name of the show, it was ''You Are What You Eat.'' He said that they might have to have that woman on the show to yell at Artie. Artie was up for it.
Brittaney told Howard that she's very sexual and she masturbates 3 times a day. She said that she has masturbated in tanning beds and dressing rooms and places like that. She said that she's also been a pillow humper since she was like 3 years old. She doesn't need any devices or her hands, she has to use something else like a pillow. She said that she's even used the little tanning bed pillows. Howard said they should call her Erica the Midget because that's the way Eric the Midget masturbates.
Brittaney said that she was into porn for a while but she's out of that now. She said that she likes to have sex with women too and said she has a girl living with her now who says that she fucks better than any other person she's been with. She said that she will lick a woman's clit until she cums and she does it really good. Howard said he'd love to see her do it to Beth to find out the best way to do it. She said that some girls like it soft, some hard, they're all different. She said that it just depends on the girl and you have to kind of feel it out.
Howard asked about this Asian girl that she's with now and how they hooked up. Brittaney said that it just kind of happened accidentally. She said that after the girl broke up with her boyfriend she came to her and they've been together ever since then. Brittaney said that she likes to be fucked by a man but she likes to do women too.
Brittaney said that this song that she has out called ''I Wanna Fuck the DJ'' is already being played in clubs over in England. Howard asked her what kind of crazy stuff she's done in her porn movies. She rattled off a scene she did with some Presidents in one video. She changed subjects and said that she's done some scenes with Nick Manning who is the ''Dropping Loads'' guy. Howard had some of those clips and played them. She then told Howard that she didn't lose her virginity until she was 18.
Brittaney was very talkative and told a lot of stories about her wild sexual adventures when she was doing movies and stuff. Howard said he was looking forward to hearing this song of hers. She was going to perform it on the Sybian while naked. She told Howard she's got bruises all over her legs from being at a strip club and having a stripper there banging her. She said that one of the strippers was finger banging her at this club that Gary was at. She said that he saw it happening. Gary said that he didn't see any of that stuff going on. He saw her there but didn't see any finger banging going on.
Gary said that the Asian girlfriend is really hot. He saw her at the strip club. They got her on the Sybian and started to play her music. She sang along with the track that she had with her. She was trying to get off while she was singing her song. Howard said that's some song after she sang some of the lyrics about wanting to fuck the DJ. Howard said that might have to be his wedding song. Brittaney wanted to get through the whole song before she finished. Gary had the Sybian jacked up all the way so she asked him to lower it a little bit. Her song ended and she was still going. She asked him to slow it down even more and was moaning and saying that she was still cumming. She said it felt real good and said she thinks she might need a nap. Her legs were shaking when she got off the thing.
Gary said you know when the girls are having some fun on that thing when they take their feet off the ground and hold onto the thing for dear life. Howard asked Robin what she thought of the song. She said she might need to hear it again. Fred said that the music blows but she's awesome. Artie said he doesn't recall hearing a worse song in his life but he liked that Sybian ride. He asked her if he could feel her tits. She said ''sure!'' so Artie went over to feel her up. He said they felt fantastic and said that they feel real to him. He said that he wanted to see her tongue ring and then asked her if he could feel what it's like to kiss with a tongue ring. She said that she can't do that.
Artie eventually convinced her to do it and made out with her a little bit. She told him that he was really a good kisser. He said that he's never kissed a chick with a tongue ring before. He said that was pretty cool. Brittaney got in a plug for this web site SexKittenMusic.com and then the Howard TV guys replayed the kiss. Brittaney said that she felt like a cheater. Howard said that she swallowed one of Nick Manning's loads. She said she didn't do that, she once swallowed a load when she was about 16 and her throat swelled up because she's allergic to semen.
Artie said that if they were alone he thinks that they could have gone even further than they did. Brittaney said that it probably could have gone farther because she's a kissing whore and loves the way he kissed. Howard told Robin to kiss her but she said she'd rather kiss Artie.
Ralph called in and asked if she really thinks her song is good. He doesn't believe that anyone likes the song. Ralph also said that she's an annoying cunt. He told her that she's so annoying. She thanked him for the constructive criticism. Howard let him go and wrapped up with Brittaney. She said that she was ready to go out with Artie.
Brittaney told a story about Steve Gutenberg pulling out his penis in front of her one time. She said that he had a nice one too. Howard said they don't know if that's true or not but thanked her for coming in anyway. He went to break a short time later.
Howard said that they had this woman Kimberly Bell coming in next. She's the long time mistress of Barry bonds and involved in this steroid controversy. Artie asked if they could make this kissing thing a regular thing with the guests. It sounded like he wanted to make out with Kimberly but she just wanted to make sure she hadn't sat on that couch she was on. Howard told her that she never even sat on it.
Howard asked Kimberly how she got involved with this Barry Bonds thing. She said she used to work at Adobe Systems in the past and eventually got into this modeling thing. Howard was all over the place with her talking about her being in Playboy and also talking about the steroid use and her nice tits.
Howard said that Kimberly claims that she was in a room with Barry Bonds and Mark Maguire was on the TV. Barry saw him on TV and felt that he wasn't being treated as well as Mark was so that's when he was going to go on the steroids. She said that's not how it happened. She said that he told her about an elbow injury he had an how he explained to her that it was from steroid use. She said that's how it all came out.
Howard asked Kimberly about how she met Barry and how he'd cheated on her. She said that she found out that the woman he's with now was his mistress when he was married to his last wife. She said that he had a couple of women around the country and even in Canada. She said that she thought she could stay with him even though he was cheating on her and claiming that he was going to be marrying this other woman.
Howard asked Kimberly about Barry's wives and found out that she was still having sex with Barry the night of his wedding. She said that he was right back at her place right after the honeymoon too. Howard said that she also recorded some of his voice mails and kept them. She said that he left her messages, she didn't record them without him knowing. He left some threatening messages for her and she's played them for the grand jury in this case she's involved with. She said that he's threatened to kill her on many occasions.
Howard said that Kimberly claims that after Barry started to do the steroid thing, his balls got smaller. She also said that he wasn't able to get aroused for her sometimes. Howard asked her if she's afraid that guys are going to be afraid to date her after she reveals all of this stuff. She's basically betraying Barry. She didn't seem to have a problem with it. She said that there were a lot of things that she could have gone after him with but she kept a lot of it secret. She didn't bring it all out.
Howard said that if a guy says to you that he can't marry her because she's white, it might be time to get out of the relationship. She said that he's right about that. She was also saying that Barry was ''incredibly average'' in bed. She said that she liked Barry when she first met him and didn't like the bulking up he did when he was allegedly using steroids. Howard asked her if he would perform oral on her. She said that he would but she was kind of hinting that she was performing for him and not actually getting off. She said that she gave herself more than he ever gave her. She said that he was very selfish when it came to that stuff. She said that he didn't last a long time at all. She said that he'd last maybe 5-7 minutes tops. Howard said that he wishes he could last 7 minutes himself.
Howard asked Kimberly why she stayed with the guy if she didn't like him. She said she was desperate to be loved, that's what it was. She said it was very sad but that's why she stayed with him.
Gary came in and said he read that Barry's wife had called her one time. Kimberly said that all she asked was what kind of jewelry she got from Barry. She said she never got any so there was nothing to tell.
Howard checked out Kimberly's layout in Playboy and said that she was fully shaved. Artie said she had nice tits when he saw the pictures. Howard asked her if she got paid well to do that. She said that she was taken care of very well.
Howard heard that the photographer that took her pictures had committed suicide and she hasn't gotten paid because of that. She said that the guy was involved in some pictures with Tom Cruise and the day after he got the funds from Playboy, he got arrested for something and he had to use the money for bail and stuff. She said that he killed himself over the case he was involved with. She said that he was facing some prison time and he may have taken his life because of that and his bankruptcy. Howard said that it sounds like she's very forgiving when it comes to that stuff. She said that she understands it because she came from humble beginnings and she is very forgiving.
Howard asked Kimberly if she has slept with other black guys. She said that she has but she's seeing a white man now. The old saying ''once you go black, you'll never go back'' isn't really true. Howard gave her a plug for the November issue of Playboy which is the one she's in.
Howard took a call from Irish John who asked if Barry ever talked baseball with her. She said that she never really did talk about that stuff with him. She said that she loves what Mark Ecko is doing with his record breaking ball though. She said she likes that he left it up to the public to tell him what to do.
Another caller asked to see some pictures of Kimberly's feet up on Howard's web site. He also asked her if Barry was into anal play. She laughed and said he wasn't into that. Fred threw in some fart sounds which made her laugh. She said that she's not into that stuff herself. She said that she once tried to kiss a woman too but that didn't work because she was disgusted by the smell of her lipstick and perfume. She said that Barry did talk to her about doing a threesome but that didn't happen either.
Howard asked Kimberly what she's doing to support herself now. She said she's promoting this Playboy thing right now and she's going to go back to school and try to become a teacher. He took some more phone calls after that. One guy asked the guys in the room if they think that Barry's record should be taken away from him. Artie said you can't take it away from him because it's too complicated. It can't be taken away. Fred said he should be allowed in with no asterisk next to his name or anything.
The caller also asked Kimberly if she thinks that she's being considered a rat because of the stuff she's told about Barry. She said she was called in front of a grand jury and she can't lie about this stuff. She's just doing what she's supposed to do. Another caller said that she knew what she was getting into and she was in it just for the money. Kimberly said that anyone who knows her knows that she wasn't just in it for the money.
Kimberly said that she was making $85,000 in her job and she was supporting herself just fine at the time she met Barry. She was introduced to him and she didn't go after him like some of these people think. Howard took another call from a woman who asked why she's bothering with this stuff. Kimberly said she has the right to tell her story.
Another caller asked how big Barry's bat was. Kimberly said that he was average, he wasn't anything that special in his pants. The caller said that this is why you can never confide in a woman. Howard wrapped up with her a short time later. He took one last call from someone who was supposed to be Barry's wife. It was actually clips of Crazy Alice that the guys were playing in the back office. They had some fun with that for a minute and then went to break.
Howard was finishing up his lunch as they came back. He said that you can see pictures of Artie and Brittaney Starr making out on HowardStern.com. He also heard that Artie had some trouble getting Kimberly Bell's number. Artie blamed that on Teddy who wasn't able to make it happen. He said that he liked that she bad mouthed Barry Bonds and also thought she was beautiful.
Artie said that Kimberly was leaving and said something to him so he asked her to leave her number with Teddy. Teddy freaked out and didn't know what to do. Howard called Teddy into the studio to talk about that. Teddy claims that she just wanted to leave but Artie said that he really has to just move in and make it happen. Teddy said that he saw her downstairs after the interview and he said he'd lost her upstairs and asked if she wanted to get lunch with Artie. She took Artie's number instead and left him a voice mail. Artie didn't believe that so Teddy told him to call home and find out.
Howard said that when he was single, he asked Gary to get some phone numbers of guests they had in there but he'd fail to come through for him too. He told Teddy that he'd fucked up and that was it. He assumed that Artie had gotten him laid but Teddy said that he's with his girlfriend so he hasn't really gotten him laid.
Artie was checking his messages and found that he had a message from Ralph, a message from Herb his driver, a girl he was seeing yelling at him for kissing that chick earlier in the show and then a message from Kimberly. He said that it was the blow off message. He said that she just said it was Kimberly and she was busy today and flying back to Arizona tomorrow. Teddy said he told her that they'd be out there in Arizona sometime so maybe she'd leave a message about that.
Artie said that she was even giggling in the message so it was a real blow off. Artie said that he saw this chick a couple of times and she called him disgusting for making out with that chick Brittaney earlier in the show. He said she told him that he's not even that great of a kisser. Howard asked him to tell her to call in so they can talk to her on the air. Robin said that Kimberly had heard that Brittaney Starr thing too.
Howard told Artie to have that girl call in and he'd straighten things out. He said that he'd tell her that it's not right to say that Artie isn't that great of a kisser either.
Howard said that he had to congratulate Scott Farrell because he's about an hour from having another baby. Scott said that he's going to be doing a play-by-play from the hospital room. He also said that he wants his wife to have her tubes tied because he doesn't want to have anymore of these things. Howard let him go a short time later.
Artie got back to the Barry Bonds thing and said that he hates him even more now than he did before. He said he wanted to call that chick and tell her that he's sorry he doesn't have the most home runs ever. Ralph called in after that and said that Teddy is really dumb. He said that Teddy had called in about an e-mail that was sent to Artie about investing in something but Teddy didn't know that it was a joke letter from some fan. His name was spelled wrong and it was an obvious joke. He said that Teddy is just an idiot.
Robin asked if Howard thinks teddy handled that whole thing correctly. Howard didn't think he had. Greg said that he was there and saw the whole thing go down when Artie asked for the number. He told another story about Teddy making Dana leave a conversation she was having with him when they were at Carnegie Hall. Greg said he kept coming to her and telling her that Artie was ready to go. He said it was very rude.
Howard played the theme song for Miss Howard Stern's reality show. They explain who Andrea is and what she's done since becoming Miss Howard Stern in 2002. They're going to have a little party for the premiere of the show which will be happening on October 30th. Artie said they got a really cool theater in Manhattan to see the premiere. The show premieres on Howard TV October 31st.
Greg said he didn't know they were doing the programming that they're doing on Howard TV. He said he has DirecTV and it really pisses him off that he can't see this stuff. He said he heard this segment with Sal and his wife Christine and how great it was when Dr. Ablow said that some of the blame should be on Christine. Howard said that it was kind of cool that someone saw that and came out with it on the air.
Greg said he and his wife heard this thing and then his wife came up with this article from Oprah's show that tells couples what to do for each other. He said that it was a bunch of crap of course. Greg said that they were going through this article and trying to figure out how they could make the relationship better. He said that he got her crying when he said that sometimes he's out on the road and doesn't call because he's afraid that hearing the kids crying is going to upset him because he can't do anything about it. She thought that meant that he didn't want to call her and now they're going to go to marriage counseling because of the Sal and Christine thing.
Fred said that Oprah isn't married so he should use that as a defense with his wife. Greg said that he's gone to therapy for himself a bunch of times and it hasn't done much for him. He thinks that the couples therapy should work better because they can keep things moving along if there are two people there.
Howard said he and Beth might have to go to therapy. He said he got mad at her last night about going out at night. He said he can't go out himself because he has to go to bed early for this show he does. He said that Beth was invited to a movie screening and he was fine with that. He said he got home early but Beth was out getting her hair done and make up done. She then came in with the outfit she was going to wear. She was barely covered up in this mini-skirt and stuff. He said that she doesn't get dressed like that when she goes out with him. She didn't tell him about the after party she was going to. He said that Ross' wife Melissa went with her to the premiere so that was okay with him.
Howard said that Ross goes out every night so he's fine with his wife going out like that. Howard never gets a chance to go out because of these crazy hours he has. He said that he doesn't know how Beth lives with him being as miserable as he is. He said he has to constantly monitor himself or else he'll zone out.
Greg said that he's trying to get his wife to doll herself up when they go out. The other night she was wearing jeans and a skirt and he wanted her to take the jeans off. He wanted her to show off her great legs. That led to the guys talking about breasts and Greg asking Robin about her boobs. He said that a white woman has a nipple that's red next to white skin while a black woman, like Robin, has an areola that's just a shade darker than the skin around it.
Beth called in and said she just turned the radio on and heard what Howard was talking about. She didn't hear the whole conversation though. She had just gotten back from a jog. She said that she wasn't wearing anything that crazy. She said that they never go to the after parties when they go out together so she wanted to go to this one. She said that she feels that he's angry that she left him last night. He said that he's really not. He said he didn't know there was an after party though. She said there's always one. Artie started doing his emotional friend impression as if Beth might have one. She said that she does have a friend that she sees at these events she goes to. Howard said he knows the guy though so that's fine.
Howard told Beth about Greg's wife and she offered to take her out shopping sometime. She said she just needs a budget and she'll work with that. Ralph called in and said that once Howard gets married this whole thing will get worse. He'll be laying in bed watching the Bionic Woman and Beth will be out partying. Beth said she was home by 11 last night and that wasn't that late.
Beth said she saw Carol Alt out at the premiere last night and she looked really hot. They spent a minute on that and then Howard showed the guys some of the pictures of Beth and Carol Alt at this event. He showed the pictures of Carol first and then showed pictures of Beth. Greg said ''Wooow!'' and Artie said it looked like she was wearing lingerie. Beth said there's nothing in that dress that looks like Lingerie. Fred gave it a couple of ''Wow'' comments himself.
Howard said that after Beth showed off her dress he tried to stick his head up under it. She stopped him from doing that and then he went to kiss her and she told him he was going to mess up her make up. Ralph laughed and told him to just wait until he's married. Howard said that Beth should have been happy that he wanted her. She said that it was 3 minutes before she had to go. Howard said that he loves her and was going to let her go. Beth said that they're going out tonight. Howard said he was going to plan something nice for her but he hasn't called anyplace yet. Beth said that she'll get the reservation since he hasn't done it.
Ralph and Beth said goodbye a short time later. Greg said the goodbyes were like the Waltons saying good night. They continued to talk about Beth going out and how much of a control freak Howard is. Greg said that Howard is so used to that control that there's no reason he could stop doing it.
Howard gave Greg a plug for his Myspace page at Myspace.com/FitzDog. He took some calls after that and one guy asked about a show Greg does for VH-1. They talked about that for a short time and Greg said that sometimes it's good, sometimes it's not. It depends on the topics they give him to cover.
Howard told Artie that he was told by someone that if you drink a lot of water, it can make you more peppy and less tired. He said he was just giving him some ides for maybe making him stay awake during the show.
Greg told Howard he came up with a show idea for Howard TV where they have some couples come in and do therapy in a room where they don't know they're being filmed. They could have guys giving play-by-play coverage of the arguments and stuff like that. Howard said that maybe Greg should do that with his wife. Greg said his wife won't do it.
Artie told Howard about a reality show he's seen and described it to Howard. Howard thought he was pitching a show idea and said that it had already been done. Artie said he was telling him about the show, not pitching it. Fred did his Jim Florentine impression and pitched a reality show idea for Robin's nipples.
Howard ran through the top 5 songs in the country real quick. He said he knows that people like when he does that. The performers included Fergie, Timbaland, Britney Spears, Kanye West and Souljah Boi.
Howard played some other audio clips from a town hall event where they were talking about Michael Vick and dog fighting. He took a call from a guy who asked if they had seen Sarah Silverman on The View yesterday. He thought that Sarah did very well on the show. Howard said he did see the show and said that he hasn't watched it all that often. He said that they were claiming that the ratings were going up since Whoopi joined the show but Rosie O'Donnell had printed them and showed that they haven't gone up at all. He pointed out that these newspaper reporters don't check their facts before printing stories like that.
The caller said he can't believe that he's getting married again. Howard said that there's no reason not to at this point. He said he's not asking because he wants to be miserable. Howard said that he was being the jealous boyfriend this morning but the caller thought he was being a whiny husband.
The caller asked Greg when he's going to be up in Boston again. Greg said he can't get into the room up there because the owner says that he can't fill a room up there. Greg said he knows he can fill a room and he'd be willing to take the door as payment if the guy wants to do it that way. He's doing great in every other market and this one guy up in Boston looks at him as if he's still that kid starting out in the area.
Howard asked the guy on the phone why he thinks that he's so miserable. He and the caller talked about the misery thing and Howard really doesn't think that he's miserable. The caller thinks that he is miserable and that's what makes the show so great lately. Howard hung up on that guy and asked where Mike Walker was, he wanted to get him on so they could get that game out of the way.
Scott the Engineer came in so Howard asked him about his misery. Scott is slowly healing from his hernia operation. He said he still hasn't gotten hard yet but he doesn't want to do that because he's afraid of what might happen.
Steve said that they have an update on Angry Black who has refused to comment to them about the case of him assaulting a woman in a restaurant recently. Steve said that Bubba had a suicidal caller on his show yesterday and they'll have an update on that. They're also going to talk about Teddy, JD and Johnny the Midget's trip up to a comedy gig in New Hampshire. Artie said that's going to be a great time up there. Howard hopes that Howard TV gets all of that recorded.
Howard said that he really has to bring a microphone in the bathroom with him when he goes pee. He said that everyone has to hear the way he pees. He said it comes out in spurts and he ended up pissing on his belt buckle. He asked Steve for the rest of his update. He said they have a new High Pitch Mike report and that will be about Artie falling asleep during the show yesterday.
Jon Hein came in and gave his Wrap Up Show preview. They're going to talk about Brittaney Starr's visit today. They're also going to talk about Artie kissing that chick. Artie said that he got yelled at big time by that chick who left a message for him. He said that she left him two messages about it. Howard explained why that chick was pissed at Artie as they were watching the video of them kissing on the monitors in the studio. Howard said it would have been great if she had puked while they were kissing. Artie said he would have been suicidal if that happened.
Howard asked Artie when he last saw that chick. Artie said that it was about two weeks ago. He said he didn't think they were that serious but she apparently does. He said he's kind of glad that she's that upset about it though. He said that she called him from work and went off on him. He said that she was kind of laughing at the end of the call though. The second message was her talking about how upset she was with him because her family knows that they've dated.
Jon said that they'll also talk about Kimberly Bell's appearance today. They're going to talk about Greg's discussions about his marriage therapy as well.
Mutt from Superfan Roundtable called in with a preview of that show. He said that he watched that Danny Bonaduce clip and thinks that Danny had no choice but to throw that guy Jonny off of him. He said that they're going to try and come up with a new name for Ronnie since his Scoresman name is no good anymore. They were trying to come up with a name for Artie's book and thought hat ''Auto-Biography (with an E at the end)'' was a good one. No one got the joke and Fred said that Joey Boots is right, mutt has to go, he's no good. The joke was about Artie's web site ''Artie dash Lange dot com with an E at the end'' which is the way Artie always plugs it. Artie said he was looking forward to hearing some names for his book but now there's no chance he's going to let the fans name it.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked him what he's going to do with the tapes of his show when he retires. He wondered if Howard owns them or if SIRIUS does. Howard said that he's really not even sure and laughed when he realized he's not sure if he owns them or if they do. Howard said he's really not sure what's going to happen in 3 years when his contract is up. He may retire, he may not. Greg said there's no way Howard is going to retire.
Robin read one story about John Stamos where he says he wants to be a father. Howard thinks that he does that just to pick up chicks. That led to a discussion about what it would take for a woman to pick Artie over John Stamos. They said that it would take something really drastic, like John being a child molester or something like that, to get a woman to pick Artie over him. Artie said that even if Stamos was gay a woman would probably still pick Stamos over him.
Howard and Artie were having some fun with Greg during the news. Whenever he'd tell a joke, they'd give him a plug for one of his upcoming gigs. They were giving him plugs when he'd tell a lame one and goofing on him about a couple of the lame jokes he told.
Howard said he was watching the Bionic Woman last night and they used two terms on that show, ''scumbag'' and ''douche,'' that he had to fight to use on his radio show when he was working at NBC. He said that when he uses those words is apparently wrong but now they can use them in prime time TV shows. They talked about what a strange world it is we all live in.
Howard mentioned that Cousin Brucie is going to be coming in to visit in a few weeks. He went into his impression of the guy and goofed on him a little bit before Robin got back to her news. She went through a few more stories and wrapped up a little while later. Howard ended the show around 11:05am.
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Sam told Howard that he made $2.5 million last year just from touring. He said that he had some of the top grossing gigs of the year the previous year. He said his time was worth over $1200 per minute at one event. Robin told him that she was in love with him after hearing that.
Howard had Bobcat's phone number so he gave him a call so Sam could confront him. Bobcat was on the line so Howard told him that he had Kinison there. He said he was going to try and patch things up between them the last time he spoke to Bob. Bob told Howard to go ahead and patch away. After a minute Sam said that he was surprised that Bobcat hadn't hung up yet.
Sam asked Bobcat where he was calling from and found out he's out in Los Angeles. He held back on goofing on him a little bit. Howard said that these two guys think that the other one ripped off the other. Sam said that he doesn't think that they ripped each other off... Then he told Howard to go head with this happy reunion he had planned.
Sam said that Bob must be happy about the news about his career. Bob said he was asked to take Sam's spot in that movie he was kicked off of but he turned it down. He said he felt bad for Sam when he heard about it. Bob said he turned down a couple of the gigs that Sam had been rejected from because he didn't want to take any work from him. Sam said that he lost a few jobs in movies like ''Screwed'' and others.
Bobcat said that he didn't think that he and Sam have a similar act so he doesn't think that they have a problem. Sam said that he knows how to say no to bad, stupid movies that he knows are going to be shit. Howard said he can't hold that against Bob. Sam said that Bob tore him up in an interview he did where he called him ugly and stuff like that. That's where the interview went down hill. Sam started to go off on Bobcat for what he's said about him in the press while Bob said that Sam is the one bad mouthing him in the press.
Bobcat said that Sam had claimed that he ripped off his act but Sam said that he never said that. Sam told Bob that he was going to be in L.A. The next day so maybe they should talk then. Then Sam started getting angrier and angrier and threatened to beat Bobcat's ass on the set of his movie. Bob asked him what he was going to do and said he didn't want to fight him. Bob said he doesn't fight and doesn't carry a gun.
Sam said Bob probably wakes up wishing he could be him. He said he wasn't going to take this guy's crap and it was a bad idea to call him. Sam said that Bobcat thinks he's hot shit and he's really not. Howard told Bob he tried to get them back together but it didn't work and he was wrong. He said that the press has pitted the two of them against each other and now things are going all wrong.
Howard asked Sam if he was going to keep him in his movie after all of this. Sam was a little pissed off so Howard asked Bob where he was in all of this. Bob didn't have much to say. Sam said that he and Bob do have different acts but he doesn't deserve to be called the names that Bobcat has said about him in the press.
Bob asked if he could apologize for his comments and just forget about everything. Sam started to get pissed at Howard for backing out of everything and that's when Bob hung up and Sam said the F-word. Howard asked him not to do that to him on the air and freaked out when he cursed.
Sam said that Howard should get Bobcat back on the phone because he wanted to talk about him some more. Howard told Sam that he's going to be the greatest comic that ever lived and that's the way he thinks about him. He doesn't feel that way about anyone else. Sam whipped out his penis at that point. Sam said that he had to have a second of sexual gratification at that point while Howard was kissing his ass.
Howard and Sam went back and forth complimenting each other for a couple of minutes. Howard then called Bobcat back because Sam wanted him to back him up in all of this stuff. Howard called him but got his answering machine. Howard left a message telling Bob that he would never beat Sam because Sam is the king of comedy. Sam said a few words himself. Howard said he would never try to patch things up between guys like that again.
Howard said the worst part of his whole thing is that it took place during Jimmy Fink's time slot so he wasn't going to get the ratings for it. He told Sam he had showed up a little too late. Howard took some phone calls after that and one guy told Sam what a fan he was. Howard had to hang up on him because he was kind of annoying.
Another caller told Sam he saw him at a show and he was great. The guy also said that he had been listening to Howard for years. Sam told the guy to come out and see him at Rascals and to just knock on the back door telling them that he's the guy that called in.
Howard took another call from a woman who told Sam to be careful and make sure he doesn't get sent off to a mental home where he'd be tied up and labotomized. Howard was trying to find out what she was wearing and talked about what he would do to her if he got a hold of her.
Howard had to wrap up the show even though Robin hadn't gotten to much of her news. She said they did do the Honduras story though. Sam, who had been drinking wine all this time, was still kissing Howard's ass telling him he was going to put him in that movie he was talking about. Sam said his word is good and he will put him in that movie. Sam also said that he never would have hung up on Howard like Bobcat did. As Sam was talking about him Howard asked ''Bob who?'' as if he had forgotten all about Bobcat Goldthwait. A phone caller went along with that as well and pretended not to know who Bobcat was.
Howard said that since the people at Comic Relief had dissed Sam, he would never give money to the homeless again. Howard said that everyone is jealous of his career and he knows what that is like because he's had the same problems. He said that Sam is his best friend and continued to kiss his ass for a few minutes. He asked Sam to pull down his pants so he could stick his tongue up his ass as far as possible.
Sam told Howard he really appreciates him calling Bob and leaving that message earlier. He told Howard he will always love Howard and he'll always hate that guy Bobcat. Howard said that Sam has the brain of the best comedian around and not everyone uses that gift to do the right thing. He said that Sam turns down bad movies and doesn't get involved with the crap like certain other comedians do.
Howard said there is no more brilliant mind than this man Sam Kinison. He said that some day they will replay this tape and other comedians would listen to it and study him. The two of them continued to kiss each other's asses for a couple more minutes.
Sam said that he was done with the drugs at this point and he was only drunk on wine today. He said that he would always remember this day when Howard left that message on Bobcat's answering machine. Howard thanked Sam for saying that he has a big penis during the interview. He joked that when he was circumsized, they had to yell out ''timber!''
Howard was going to wrap up the show and give Jackie a plug but Sam mentioned his pal Mitchell who was there with him and how he would be at his show with him. They talked about coming up with a ''Bob Who?'' t-shirt to sell at the shows. Sam let out a couple of his classic ''Oh oh!'' yells as they were wrapping up.
Richard came in and Howard claimed that he was putting deodorant on his penis. Richard made his rounds hugging everyone. Robin said that she smelled like him after she got her hug. Howard said that Richard spoils him and bought his kids some Barbie dolls. Richard said he promised to start that collection for them and he's keeping his word. Howard said he could buy them himself though. Richard said he probably couldn't afford them because he makes so much more money than Howard does.
Howard asked Richard for cash instead of dolls like that. Richard said that Howard could ask him for money anytime. Howard told him he would never do that and actually ask for money. He told Richard he should just send it along to him.
Howard asked Richard why the Barbie Dolls aren't fat like his clients are. Richard said he knew he was going to start in with him like that and asked him why he has to do that. Howard laughed and just kept going. Richard asked him to look at the Barbie dolls really close to see how nice they were. He said that they're porcelain and very beautiful. Howard took one and started to feel her up. He told Richard she had a nice ass and asked him if he's inspired to meet a woman after seeing these dolls. Richard laughed and showed off the dolls to everyone some more.
Howard said Richard tells him that there are only 300 of these dolls and that means that there are 299 other weirdos out there who collect the dolls. Richard said that they're about $1000 each. Howard said he gets the feeling that he bought all 300 of them. Richard jokingly said he did buy all 300.
Howard said he has been inspired to start his own Barbie collection after this. He said that Richard came over to his house and he was playing with his daughter's Barbie dolls within minutes of getting there. Howard said he doesn't believe that Richard really loves Barbie, he thinks he does it as an image thing. He watched Richard playing with the dolls and he was very rough with them. He said he was man handling them and not being very easy. Richard said his daughters don't know how to dress them right so he was just trying to help.
Howard asked Richard where he stores his Barbie dolls. Richard was ready to leave when Howard asked him if he stores them with his own bras and panties. Richard said he doesn't keep his own women's clothing. Howard told Richard he had to take a short break but Richard was talking about how much he loves Barbra Streissand. Howard said Richard asked him to sing a song with him but he didn't want to do that. He asked Richard if he likes her because she's got a nose like a penis. Richard started to walk out after he said that. Howard told him that he wonders about Richard sometimes and that's what made him bring up the nose looking like a penis thing.
Richard told Howard that he has quite a large nose himself so Howard said that must be why Richard likes him, it looks like a circumsized penis. Richard threatened to walk out but stuck around. Howard wanted to know what fragrance he was wearing this morning. Richard wasn't answering so Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard had the guys bring in Mike Judge, the creator of Beavis and Butt-Head. He said that Mike is a talented guy but not much of a business man. He didn't make much off the Beavis and Butt-Head thing. Mike told Howard that he's pretty sure they knew they had a live one when he'd send them stuff from Texas. He said that they're renegotiating his contract now though.
Howard said that the Beavis and Butt-Head thing is brilliant and he can't come up with stuff like that every week. He said that Mike could come up with more stuff but this is like his Beatles. Mike talked about how he animated the Frog Baseball cartoon himself. Howard said that he saw that one and was shocked that MTV even showed it. Mike said he never thought they'd turn that into a whole show. He figured they were going to do some intros and stuff, that was it.
Howard said that the weird thing was when MTV got after him for having Beavis getting into fire. Mike said he was out of the country when they started moving the show around to late night. Mike said he was over in England recording ''I Got You Babe'' with Cher. Howard asked him if he got her and he did his Butt-Head laugh. He said he didn't do anything with her, he's not her type. Howard asked if she was all decked out in her rock star outfit. Mike said she was in more of a grunge outfit.
Howard asked if Cher smelled okay. Mike said she was perfumed up. Howard figured it was her own brand of perfume that she was wearing. Howard said Jackie met Mike through Stuttering john at some point and really got along with him. It turns out Jackie met him at a Friar's roast. Mike talked to Jackie about how he wasn't getting any money from MTV and Jackie related to him because he thinks he doesn't get paid well either.
Howard talked to Mike about his crappy deal with MTV and Gary said there was more to it. He said some other guy had taken the animations and sold them to MTV himself. Mike said he does have some control over it because he does all of the voices in the show. Mike said that it is pretty cool to be able to do the cartoons but there were times when he would have liked to have gotten out.
Mike said that he was trying to get the Hollywood lawyers to call him back about representing him but he had to give up on that idea when no one would call him back. He talked about how the first 2 minute long animation took him about 8 weeks to animate himself. He said now they have a bunch of Korean people drawing them. He said that they were telling him that it was a very odd cartoon when they saw it. They didn't know what ''cut the cheese'' or ''getting a woodrow'' meant.
Mike said that he has a bunch of writers for the show now so he just supervises them. He wrote a lot of the early ones though. He also had his ''Milton'' cartoon shown on Saturday Night Live recently. He said that's the first animation he ever did and also the character from the movie ''Office Space.''
Howard figured that Mike probably gets a fruit basket from the MTV people instead of making money. Mike said he actually got a bath robe for Christmas. Howard told Mike he had to take a break but when they came back they were going to do this Fartman thing with Beavis and Butt-Head. Howard told Mike about the way Billy West took over the voices for Ren and Stimpy after the creator left the show. He was only doing Stimpy but took over Ren when the creator quit.
Howard talked to Mike about the Beavis and Butt-Head video game for a short time. Howard said that it's really amazing how big those characters got. He said his daughter has told him about some of the kids in her class who think that they are Beavis and Butt-Head.
Mike said that he's in the process of making a movie for the cartoon but some of the movie studios wanted him to do it as a live action movie. Howard said that wouldn't work, he wants to see them in a dirtier version of the TV cartoon. Howard said that they'd probably get Mike Myers and Dana Carvey to play the characters if they did it as live action.
Billy West started doing his Jackie Puppet thing and showed that off for Mike. Mike said he'd never seen the puppet before. He thought the puppet was pretty impressive looking. Howard told Billy to blow up the puppet's belly and make it fart. Billy played with that for a short time and then started doing his Jackie laughs. He told some goofy jokes like Jackie would and then went nuts with his many Jackie laughs. Howard said Jackie Puppet must feel comfortable with Mike since he's had money issues too. Jackie Puppet went nuts laughing and goofing around. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard asked Robin how old she is. She just turned 43 so Howard told her she doesn't look it. Robin was still upset that Howard didn't get her a gift. Howard insisted that he had but she said it wasn't from him. Howard said that she's getting tickets and a night out on the town from his family. Howard told her she was insane and wondered how many times she had been 43 years old.
Howard told Gilbert he has a favorite scene in an old Dracula movie but he wasn't able to tell Gilbert exactly what it was. Howard goofed on Gilbert for probably taking home the shirt that they had to buy for his costume. Gilbert demanded to see Robin's dark Klugee a few times.
Howard said this was very exciting to see Dracula Gottfried today but he thought that someone had driven a wooden stake into his material. Gilbert said that it wasn't his idea though so he couldn't take the blame. Howard asked Gilbert about an appearance he had made on ''Married with Children.'' Gilbert stayed in his Dracula character and answered all of the questions as Dracula.
Howard asked Dracula if he was going to stay in character the whole time. Gilbert came out of character and said that this was probably one of the worst ideas Howard has ever had. Howard told him it was funny and asked him to do ''Dice Vampire'' so he went into his Dice impression a little bit. Howard asked Gilbert to hang out during the news. He asked him more about the ''Married with Children'' episode he shot. Gilbert thought he looked ridiculous in the costume he was wearing in the studio. He told Howard about how he played himself in that episode of ''Married with Children.'' He was supposed to be on a cruise ship so Howard talked about how Gilbert would never do something like that.
Gary came in and said that Gilbert once opened up for Belinda Carlisle of the Go Gos. He went out to warm up the crowd which was filled with little kids and their parents. Gilbert said he tried to keep it clean but he wasn't getting any laughs so he went into his dirty material. He started cursing in front of these little kids. He ended up getting yelled at by the manager at the event.
Gilbert said he kept getting filthier and filthier through the whole thing and the people on the side of the stage were all looking at him in shock. Tom Chiusano came in and told Howard he made the mistake of booking Gilbert for an event one time. Gilbert goofed on Tom a little bit and said he looked like he was dressed up like Dracula this morning. Tom told the story about how the crowd he had Gilbert performing in front of were all shocked and not responding to his act. Gilbert disappeared after doing his act. He just walked through some bushes to get out of there.
Howard said they were going to keep Gilbert around for the news. He had to take a commercial break before getting to that though.
Gilbert said that he thought he was tanking but Howard told him it was doing just fine. He talked about another time that Gilbert did the Channel 9 show dressed up as Dice and he thought he was bombing there too. Howard read a fax he got about Gilbert where they goofed on him about the voice he does and how gay he must be.
Howard told Gilbert he was funny as Dracula and even sitting there as Gilbert with the Dracula costume on was funny. Howard told him he should go out on the street and take an OJ poll to see if people think he's guilty or not guilty. Howard told him he'd probably get killed if he did that.
Howard got serious and wanted to send him out on the street as Dracula to ask people what they think about the OJ thing. Gilbert was laughing as Howard was describing what he could do out on the street. Gilbert came up with some ideas of his own for going out on the street. He was going to do some racial stuff but Howard told him he might get beat up if he does that.
Howard asked Gilbert if he would really go out and do it. He told him he'd throw in another shirt if he wanted. Gilbert was going to skip doing it this time. Howard said he probably thinks it'll hurt his career or something. Howard eventually convinced him to give it a try though. Howard told him to go out with the make up just the way it was on his face. Jackie the Joke Man told him to enjoy his career move. Gary came in and said that there was no question that this was going to be funny. He wondered if they should make him up again or leave him the way he was. Howard told Gary to do it himself so he could get it done faster than Ralph.
Howard said they were going to do some news while Gilbert headed down to the street. Robin read a couple of news stories as that was going on.
Gilbert worked his way down to the street and Howard went to him via wireless microphone. He told Gilbert what to do and Gilbert was doing some racist stuff so Howard told him to calm down with that or he'd get beat up. Stuttering John tried to find some black people to be interviewed. He wasn't having much luck but eventually found some people. Gilbert questioned them about the OJ Simpson case and what they though about it.
Howard told Gilbert it was enough after he interviewed about 3 people. He said that was enough of that. He said it was funny but he was going to tell Gilbert that he had bombed just to mess with him. Robin continued with her news as they waited for Gilbert to return.
Gilbert came back and Howard goofed on him about what he did down there on the street. Robin got back to her news and read some stories as Gilbert sat in and commented on some of the stuff she brought up. Howard wrapped up after Robin finished her news. This replay was over by about 10:05am.
Howard said Jackie is very self destructive and he doesn't know what to do. He said that a lot of comedy clubs were turned off by Jackie's antics. Howard complained and said that Patty probably hates him now because of what Jackie said. He said his name is all over the article even though he had nothing to do with it. Gary came in and asked what the joke was. Jackie said that he said Patty was the person who realized her father had Alzheimer's because he was actually returning her calls. He thought that was pretty funny. Howard agreed it was kind of funny but he shouldn't have told the joke to Patty.
Howard and Robin tried to explain to Jackie what he did wrong but Robin figured he still didn't get it. Jackie said he knows it was wrong to tell that joke. He said he apologized to her up and down and she did calm down after he did that.
Gary asked her what she did when he told her the joke. He said she went ballistic on him and told him it wasn't appropriate to tell a joke like that. He said he apologized to her for that and thought he had smoothed things over. Howard spent a few more minutes goofing on Jackie about all of that. He was making fun of him and said that he read that article and knew it was Jackie out on the town again causing problems. Fred played some clips of this kid doing impressions of Jackie that Howard was imitating.
Howard did an impression of Jackie talking to Patti Davis and then Billy West picked up the Jackie Puppet and started telling Patti Davis-Reagan jokes as Jackie. He told a few Reagan jokes and laughed just like Jackie might do. Howard asked Jackie Puppet if he was drinking when he went up to Patty. Jackie Puppet took a gulp of beer as an answer. He then told another Reagan joke and laughed his ass off at himself. Howard thanked the puppet for chiming in on that. He said he had to take a break after that. Jackie Puppet continued to make inappropriate jokes and guzzled some more fake beer.
Howard wondered what Jackie is going to say to Arnold Schwarzenegger when he comes in. Jackie said he's going to call him a big, stupid kraut. Howard read more of the article about Jackie cracking those jokes to Patty and did some of his impression again. Jackie Puppet was giving Jackie some advice about his career but Howard had to go to break during that.
Howard said that High Pitch Eric was there to spin the wheel of sex for some reason. KC said they could put him in a bikini if he wanted. Howard said they should do that and have him get into a thong. He told KC to get that ready to go while he read some news stories. He read a story about some of the most powerful women in show business. He was surprised by some of the names that were on that list.
Howard asked KC for an update on High Pitch Eric. He was fatter than ever according to KC. Howard said Eric is such a retard and had him spin around in his thong. Howard had him stand on the scale in the studio to see just how fat he is. He ran the scale up to 311 pounds. Last time he was on he was 305. Howard told him he's just gross. He said he thinks he ate Hank the Dwarf's carcass.
Gary came in and said he heard that Eric was really annoying to this guy Eric from Elektra records. Eric from Elektra called in and told Howard how he ran into High Pitch at the Hank the Dwarf memorial they had on the street and he was really annoying. He said he was a douche that day and was bugging him for all kinds of stuff. Eric said he gave High Pitch his business card and he ended up calling him up asking him for all of that stuff. High Pitch ended up asking Eric for a bunch of stuff including his credit card number so he could pay for his cable bill! He barely knew the guy and he was asking for his credit card number.
High Pitch asked for some free CDs and stuff and he wanted an alphabetical list of what he could have. Gary wondered how he went from getting free CDs to asking for the guy to pay his credit card bill. High Pitch said he wasn't sure. Eric from Elektra said that he didn't hear from High Pitch for about a month and then one day he gets a call from him asking for his credit card number. High Pitch said that he was put on welfare so he needed some money to pay some bills. Howard told High Pitch is insane. Eric said he was just going insane, that's why he did it. High Pitch apologized to Eric but Howard wanted to move on to the game. He said goodbye to Eric on the phone a short time later.
Howard moved on to let High Pitch spin the Wheel of Sex so he could play for a Microsoft Xbox video game system. Someone was playing with the cod they'd used earlier in the show and Eric was freaking out. He hates fish and he didn't want it anywhere near him. He was screaming like Mickey Mouse being murdered as someone put the fish near him. They then put three fish near him and he went crazy screaming ''NO, NO... Get it away!'' They kept this up for a couple of minutes because it was so amusing to see him freak out. Since he was so freaked out by the fish Howard wanted to make him either make out with a fish or put one down his pants to win the Xbox. Eric refused to kiss the fish but he wanted to make a deal. Howard told him there was no deal, he had to either kiss the fish or put one down his thong bikini. Eric wanted nothing to do with the fish at all. He turned down the $300 Xbox because he doesn't like dead fish! KC was making the fish talk to Eric so he was completely freaked out. Eric said he wanted to do something with Benjy instead of the fish. KC continued to torture Eric with the fish for a few minutes.
Stuttering John came in and asked Howard to get Eric to stop bothering Chef Bobby, the guy who makes Howard's lunch. Chef Bobby was on the phone to tell Howard that Eric is always hanging out at his business bothering him for food. He said he's always asking for free stuff and he has a budget to worry about there.
KC and Mike Gange continued to torture Eric with the fist while Eric screamed out to stop it over and over again. Eric was so freaked out he was on the verge of tears according to Howard. Eric asked to spin the wheel just to see what it lands on. They kept going after him with the fish and he was yelling out for the police to come and help him. Eric ran out of the studio so Howard told him it was over. He wasn't going to give him an Xbox since he refused to put that fish down his pants. KC told Eric they were going to give him 3 seconds to get out of there. The fish was going to come after him after that. Eric bolted out of the studio as the guys chased him down the hall with the fish. Artie was laughing his ass off as he was watching it happen. The E! cameras were watching him out in the hall.
This guy Jonas called in and said that Eric is also afraid of the dark and of moths. He said if they turned the lights out and beat him with the fish, he'd probably really freak out. Jonas told him about the moths too and how he had freaked Eric out with a dead moth and he was acting like he was with the fish. Howard wanted to lock him in a bathroom with the fish and with a moth to see what happened.
Howard had Robin start her news a short time later. She went through a bunch of news stories but Howard and the guys were still goofing on High Pitch Eric about his fish issues. Robin got back into her news and went through a bunch of stories. Howard, Artie and Fred were all doing their impressions of High Pitch Eric throughout the news. They ended the show around 9:55 (Master Tape Theatre time).
Gary said that someone must be able to see him there and they should honk and let them know it's for real. A few seconds later someone honked. The caller said that sometimes life just sucks and he doesn't want to live. He said he has a wife and a job but he goes to the bridge to think sometimes. The guy said his battery was running low and so was he.
Robin asked him what it is about life that sucks so much that it's not worth living. Howard thought she was talking to him so he started to complain about Tom Chiusano. A short time later a woman took the phone from the jumper and told Howard this guy is serious. She tried talking him away from the edge of the bridge but he didn't want to. He also told Howard that the woman who stopped to help him was a big fat cow. That wasn't very nice.
The caller said that everyone was stopping there on the bridge. He told the woman that he'd be okay but Howard didn't believe it. He asked the guy what his name was. He said he goes by Prince so Howard used that. Robin told the guy he has to wait for her book to come out. Howard told the guy he has to stick around because he's got so much stuff in the works like a movie and other things. He has to be around to see all of that. Howard told the guy he could come in and visit the show if he wanted to.
Someone grabbed the guy's cellular phone and told Howard that the cops grabbed the guy and cuffed him. He said they were taking him away. Howard wanted to talk to the cops but the guy handed the phone to the fat broad and she told him that she put her arms around him and held him until the cops took him away. Howard said he was the one who saved the guy and he wanted credit for it. Howard said he kept the guy laughing while he was on the phone so that's what kept him from jumping. The woman said he told her that Howard was the only reason he didn't jump.
Howard asked to speak to one of the cops. The cop said he was listening to his show while they were on the way over to the bridge. Robin asked if they have any type of citation that they could give to Howard for what he did. There was no answer, the cop was gone. The guy who had picked up the phone earlier got back on and said he's friends with Celeste. Howard told that guy to jump off the bridge instead of the other guy.
Howard eventually got another cop on the phone so he tried explaining to him what he had done. The cop said he knew what he was doing and they got there as fast as they could. Howard said that this was his contribution to the world, saving someone's life. The cop told Howard to come up to the 33 Precinct and he'd give him some kind of citation for what he's done. Howard said there was no way he was going up to that part of the city though.
The cop told Howard that the woman who held this guy Helen Marie Trimble. Howard had him put her back on the phone. She got back on and told her not to take credit for saving this guy. She said she won't do that, it was Howard who actually kept him there. Howard said she may have to throw in his name in every answer she gives to the press. He had the feeling that she was going to get all the credit though.
Another cop got on the phone and said that he was Lieutenant with the police department and said that he wanted to thank him for helping to avert a tragedy on the bridge today. Howard said he doesn't feel like a hero and asked if he's ever heard someone so calm at a moment like that. The cop said that he does sound very calm over the phone. He also told Howard that the man who was going to jump is now in Port Authority Police custody and will be brought in for psychiatric evaluation.
The cop thanked Howard multiple times for helping to stop this possible tragedy today. Howard told him to be careful out there with the traffic the way it was. Howard said he's always there for the police if they need him. Howard let him go a short time later. He said he was embarrassed to be called a hero. Gary came in and said that the press were already calling them to find out what had gone on. Howard said he will have to set up a press event as soon as possible. Gary also said that actress Sally Kellerman was very impressed with what just happened.
Howard said Sally is very press savvy so maybe he should talk to her about that. He said he does want to talk to her. He said he loved her in ''Back To School.'' Howard said that he wanted to talk about the way they were going to run this press thing. He said he'd like to get that cop down there to help out.
Howard told Robin that she has to call him a hero and he'll say that he's not a hero, he was just doing what anyone would do. They rehearsed that a little bit and Robin told Howard what a hero he was while he denied it. Gary said they're getting a lot of requests for the tape so maybe they should play it on a boom box.
Howard asked where Ralph was because he had to get his hair done. He also told Ralph to run out and get him a Superman outfit. The guys told him not to do that, he should play it straight. Stuttering John came in and said that they have a lot of people who want to come in for the press event. Some people wanted an exclusive but Howard wanted to make it a big event.
Ralph told Howard that was amazing. Howard said of course it was and then told him to get out of there. He had to go to break after that anyway. Gary mentioned that their friend, Congressman Serrano, told him that he's going to put in for a special award for what Howard did. Gary said that there are some news reports about how much havoc the whole thing caused with traffic on the bridge.
Stuttering John came in and said that someone from the show Rescue 911 wanted to do a story about this whole thing. Howard seemed to like that idea but he had to take a commercial break.
After a quick break that was edited out for Master Tape Theatre, Howard moved on to talk to Helen, the woman who grabbed the jumper on the bridge. Howard said she looked very strong and there was no way that guy was going to escape from her grip. He explained to her what was going to happen at the press conference. They're going to have Gary do an introduction and then Howard will go in. Helen and the others will already be there. Howard said he'll make a couple of statements and then claim that he's no hero. Then Robin will say that he really is a hero.
Howard told Helen what to do when she's questioned by the press. He told her not to take all the credit, he wants her to talk about what a great thing his show is. He had her rehearse a little bit. She talked about how she's been listening to the show for years and started to get into too much detail. Howard told her to keep it short and to make sure that she uses his name a lot. She tried that over again and got it down pretty good.
Howard said that if Helen cries during the press conference, he'd do anything for her. She was talking about the look on that man's face when she grabbed him and she started to tear up a little. Howard told her to stop and to hold onto that until the press conference. He had to go to break a short time later.
Howard came back from break and said they had a lot of press there for this big press event. Robin told him the place was packed. Howard asked Gary to go out and get it started. He could hear Penny Crone out there already. Gary headed out and got the press conference started. He told the press they were starting in less than 60 seconds so they had to be ready for him.
Gary told Howard he was ready to begin and then played some audio from when the jumper was caught by the police and put in cuffs. Then Gary introduced Howard to the press. Howard came out and explained what had happened on the show today. He said he didn't know what kind of man this was who called him this morning. He said he found that he was a man who was down on his luck and feeling despondent. He went on to say that he has learned what it feels like to be a doctor who saved a gerbil from a man's buttocks.
Howard threw in a bunch of jokes in his speech. Jackie was laughing his ass off whenever Howard used one of his jokes. Howard said he is not a hero so Robin came in right on cue and told him that he really is a hero. They argued about that for the press.
After Howard's speech Helen got up and told her story. She even demonstrated how she grabbed the man and held him as he was speaking to Howard. Howard then pointed out that there were a lot of people listening to the show at the time they were speaking to this man and they all showed up on the bridge. Helen and the police who showed up were all listening.
Penny Crone said that there are some people who are saying that this is a scam. Helen interrupted and said that this was not a scam. Howard said it would be against the law to do something like that and he would never do such a thing. Howard said if he had set it up, Helen would have been a stripper. He told Penny that she's a very evil woman for accusing him of such a thing.
Howard spoke to a woman from the channel 11 news. He was asked if he would start a suicide hotline after this. Howard said he has been asked things like that. Another reporter asked Howard what was going through his mind as he was speaking to this man. Howard said he knew he had to keep this guy laughing, so that's what he tried to do.
Howard took some other questions from various reporters. One reporter from Extra asked him if they would put this into his movie. Howard said they would never trivialize such a thing. Penny Crone asked why a guy would grab his cell phone if he was thinking about killing himself. She still thought that this might be a scam. Howard assured her that it wasn't.
More reporters jumped in and asked some questions. He was asked if he was surprised at the calls he got from Senator D'amato and Mayor Koch. Howard said he was touched by all of the calls he got this morning. He let some others ask various questions about the way he was feeling at the time he took the call.
Gary introduced Lieutenant Bleeker who was there at the scene when the jumper was taken into custody. Lt. Bleeker said that the man seems to be very distraught and he is being checked out now. He said this is thanks to Howard and Helen.
Lt. Bleeker spent a short time taking questions from the press, mostly Penny Crone, about what had happened. He said he believes that this was a bona fide incident and it was not a scam from what they can tell. Howard fielded a few more questions from the press for himself and for Helen and Lt. Bleeker. Howard then had to wrap up the press conference. The press had more questions so Howard let them continue to speak to Lt. Bleeker about what had gone on.
Howard wrapped up the press conference and thanked Helen for what she did. He said she was very brave in doing what she did. Howard told the press he'd like to see them put a negative spin on this whole thing. Gary had some other people coming in to get interviews.
Howard asked Steve Dunleavy how he felt about the way he handled the whole thing. Steve though he handled it just fine. He asked Steve not to play this whole thing tongue in cheek because his comedy doesn't go over very well. Billy West did his impression of Steve for a short time and goofed on his delivery. They had some fun with that for a short time.
Howard wanted to get out of there but Gary had a guy trying to find out if they were going to give him first run on the TV show he works for. Howard didn't want to wait around. Gary told Howard he handled everything very well today and he thought he was very impressed.
Howard got confirmation that Entertainment Tonight was going to have this story as their lead story. Howard said he would do it but then Gary came in and said that they weren't going to do it on the air. Howard said that he was only going to do it on the air, not off the air. He didn't want to do it out in the hall. The reporter from Entertainment Tonight said they didn't want him to do it on air. Howard said he should just do it, he's already on the air. Howard called off the whole thing if he wasn't willing to do it on air. Howard said that all of the other shows were going to beat them to it if they didn't do it on air. The guy said he just couldn't do it because his bosses told him he couldn't.
Howard said he needed to go home and didn't want to do this crap off the air. The reporter understood his reasons and said that's fine. Howard said they have to comply with his wishes to get an interview. Howard went around the room and asked the guys if they had ever saved lives. Fred said he saved a guy in a movie theater one time. Robin used to be a nurse and said she used to save people all the time. Gary said he saved Fred's life when he called his wife to come down to see him at the hospital. Jackie said he saved a life... by pulling over his car and going to sleep.
Today's Master Tape Theatre was over around 11:50am.
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