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Howard started off the show welcoming everyone to the show and wondering what everyone was doing. Robin said she hopes that everyone is sleeping. Howard said that he was listening to some more clips of this psychic Sylvia Browne from Montel Williams' show. Howard said he wasn't going to curse her out but Artie took over and called her a cunt for him.
Howard talked about the clip they played last week where she wasn't able to come up with the correct reason for why a woman's boyfriend had been lost. Sylvia said it was a drowning but the woman told him that he was in the World Trade Center, not in water. Sylvia insisted that he was in water. He replayed that clip and said that she should have just admitted she was lying to the woman. She just kept going and insisted that her boyfriend had drowned. Montel even worked with her and agreed that he could have drowned from the hoses that were spraying down the building.
Howard had another clip where Sylvia Browne tells a family that their daughter Michelle was shot and killed. The mother says that she's not sure how her daughter died so Sylvia comes right in and says that she was shot. The family says that the autopsy showed it wasn't a gun shot. Sylvia was telling them that she could see that she was hit in the chest with something very hard and Montel even gets in and says that maybe she was hit in the chest playing sports or something.
Howard and the guys talked about Sylvia and how she's so matter-of-fact about everything she does. Howard said that you're supposed to be more vague when you talk about some of that stuff though. Howard did an impression of her telling that family about how their daughter died and them telling her that she actually just collapsed in her apartment.
Howard played some of Montel giving Sylvia a plug for her cruise where she's going to be doing her psychic stuff with the cruise ship passengers. Howard wondered how many hours a day she can actually bullshit people. That's pretty ballsy according to Artie. Howard continued to play more clips of Sylvia telling her bullshit stories. Artie was laughing and doing an impression of her after a couple more minutes.
Howard got into his impression of Sylvia which was a very deep voiced man's voice since that's the way she sounds. One woman asks Sylvia about feeling a ghost in a room someplace so she asked who it was and why it was there. Sylvia came up with a story for her and told her that the female spirit, not a ghost, was left behind for some wacky reason. Howard and Artie continued to goof on her after hearing that.
Howard found one clip where Sylvia says ''No, no, no, no...'' and her voice was actually lower than his. He replayed that and did his Lurch impression from The Munsters as if it were her.
Howard went into a bit that Sal and Richard did as Jack and Rod with a psychic on the phone. They used audio clips of Hank the Dwarf to talk to the woman and she gave him a reading... even though he's been dead for years. They had Hank talking about women and making rude comments to the psychic on the phone. Jack and Rod asked her when he might die. She said that she felt that he was already dead inside. Little did she know... She eventually hung up after one too many rude comments.
Howard had a caller on the line who wanted to defend Sylvia Browne. The caller said that she has solved many crimes so he wondered what Howard thought. Howard said she had predicted that this 15 year old boy who was just found last week, had been killed. The caller said that she's world renowned for solving crimes. He said she's been on Psychic Detectives on TV. Howard told the guy to go chase her around on the cruise ship that she's going to be on.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked what the difference is between this broad and Riley Martin. Howard said they have the exact same thing going on, they're both full of shit. Howard said the Riley is harmless while Sylvia is telling families stories that aren't true about missing relatives. She also threw off the investigation for that 15 year old kid that was found last week.
Howard did his Riley impression for a short time and goofed on him a little bit as well. He took a call from a guy who said they should have a show with both Riley and Sylvia. Howard said they could call her out on her bullshit if she had a show there. He can't believe that people don't call her out when she tells them obvious lies.
Another caller said that in 2001 an organization offered Sylvia Browne a $1 million prize if she could prove her powers. She accepted the offer but six years later she still hasn't taken the test.
Robin said that this guy is nit picking with the stuff that Howard was reading. The guy picks apart every single thing that Robin gets wrong. Howard continued to read through the notes that this guy has about Robin and Robin tried to defend herself. Robin said this guy is wrong about some of that stuff himself. Howard said that they should get this guy on the show and see what's up with him. Artie said he was on Robin's side in this because the guy was going a little far with the things she gets wrong.
Howard said they're going to get this guy in. He wants Robin to debate him but she said she's not going to do that. She told Howard to get some of the people from SFN on the show to debate them if that's the way he wants to do things. Robin said she doesn't want to be bothered with stuff like that because she doesn't read negative things about herself. She doesn't enjoy that. Artie said that's Eddie Murphy's policy as well.
Robin said she's not going to give this guy any attention and will walk off the show if they bring him in. Howard was still talking about how he wants to get the guy in there anyway but Robin said she's not going to entertain it. She said he's making up stuff and she's not going to play along with it. Artie said this guy is probably on SFN as well.
Robin said that she's not bothered by this guy but Howard thought she sure sounded bothered by getting so upset about the whole thing. Howard told her she has to debate him but she said that's not going to happen, even for a million dollars. Howard asked her what she'd do if he turned out to be some big fat guy wearing a mumu. She said it doesn't matter to her. She doesn't want to be involved. Howard asked Robin if she would debate the guy if it turned out to be someone like Sal or Jackie. She still didn't care.
Robin said she doesn't appreciate Howard bringing this up because it will never leave if he keeps entertaining it. Howard insisted that she debate the guy. Robin told him to fire her. Howard took the blame and said it was his web site but she was still telling him to fire him. Howard said that's like Artie threatening to leave the show if they have their Real Doll made into Grandma Caprio. Howard is going to have to start over solo again if he does both of those things.
Howard said that he wanted to thank the guy who sent him the membership to the National Asshole Association recently. He said he's very proud to be a member. He said that if Robin brings that guy in, he's going to leave the show himself.
Robin goofed on Howard saying that she's going to start a HowardIsFunny web site and it's going to be a blank page. Howard told her that she's going to debate that guy the same day he gets his Grandma Caprio Real Doll and fucks her. Robin said that would be a very interesting day.
Howard got back to the Oprah thing and said that this family dragged the kid onto Oprah but their son wasn't allowed to talk about the kidnapping because it's an ongoing investigation. They had to avoid that discussion so they spent a long time talking about the ridiculous thing about the kid getting to know him. He said that dragging the kid on that show was just wrong.
Robin said she asked the family off camera what they think happened. The family said they think the kid was sexually abused. The experts were saying that this kid doesn't want that kind of thing being discussed on national TV.
Robin threw another person into the Asshole Club... Bill O'Reilly. He apparently said that the kid probably enjoyed being kidnapped. He didn't have to go to school and got to play video games. The guys talked about how ridiculous that is. Robin said O'Reilly isn't going to apologize until he does some more research on the whole thing.
Howard said he missed the football games because he was watching chess games. Artie said he likes to hear that over him watching Dawson's Creek or something like that. Howard said that Beth had gotten him a date with this chess guy who came out to visit him over the weekend. He said he'd talk about that later.
Howard said that Beth had asked him ''What happened to my boyfriend?'' over the weekend. He wondered what that meant and said it's been bothering him. He said she said that after he spent so much time with chess. Howard said he's really not sure if it's the chess or not. Robin said that maybe he hasn't balanced it out right with chess and Beth. Robin said Beth actually mentioned it on the plane ride to Florida. She said Beth was telling her about how the whole chess thing had been taking over his life like nothing before. Howard said he can't get good at it unless he concentrates on it.
Howard asked if he should give up the chess thing. Robin told him not to give it up, he just needs to balance it out. Howard said he joined a tournament and Beth asked him to get out of that. She told him that he's driving himself insane with it. He said he was probably misquoting her in that.
Robin and Artie said that this was going back to the whole Dancing with the Stars thing when Howard wouldn't tell Beth not to do it. Artie said that this is the first time that Beth isn't into the same thing he's into so it's very new to her. Artie said that this is what happens and Howard is eventually going to be like him... without Dana.
Howard said he wants to argue with Robin but he really can't. She told him to go to RobinsWrong.com and he'll find something to argue with her about. Howard said he knows he gets into stuff a little too much but that's just him. Artie said that relationships survive that all the time. He said you can't find balance in the world with everything.
Robin said that at Bubba's wedding the preacher was talking about how there's an ebb and a flow with the whole relationship thing and Beth doesn't have that ring to touch. Howard said she might be right about that. Howard said that he's been into this whole chess thing and Artie was comparing it to a guy being in a softball league. He said that it's not that different. Artie told him that as long as he doesn't have kids with her, he'll be fine. He said Beth should look good for the next 30 years as long as she doesn't. Howard said he doesn't want to screw up his relationship and though he was just having some fun. He said the whole thing will eventually wear out and he'll be back to doing his regular thing.
Howard mentioned that Beth was on Good Morning America last week and she had this dog David with her. After the show the dog still wasn't adopted even though the dog was so cute. He said that the dog's story was really sad and Beth really didn't get to talk about it. The dog had to be given up after an older couple had to give it up when they went into a nursing home. The dog is 8 years old and that was the thing that Robin said was probably the main problem. Howard said the dog is really cute and a very nice dog. He asked Robin if she was touched by that. She had no desire to take the dog in.
Howard and Artie talked about dogs for a short time and Artie was wondering if Howard plays fetch with his lazy dog. Howard said he does that all the time. It's just a little bit of play which is fine with him. The dog gets worn out very easily so it's not a hard thing to deal with.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that it seems that Howard has an ADD type of thing going on. It's called Hyperfocus. The woman said that you find something new and focus on it intensely for a short time. Robin asked how you can get over that kind of thing. Howard said his hyperfocus has shifted but that doesn't change his love for Beth. He said she knows that he's in love with her. Howard said Fred is waiting for him to hyperfocus on him.
Fred told Howard that he had just looked at David the Dog on the North Shore Animal League web site and the dog looked kind of like Gary the Retard to him. He said he really can't take in another dog himself either. Howard said the dog could live a few more years and really deserves to be adopted.
Artie talked about all of the guys down there were staying at the Shore Club and they weren't able to sleep because it's so loud all the time. Artie said Jon Stewart had a lot of nice things to say about the show when he saw him down there.
Artie said that the bar at this Shore Club goes right out to the pool and there were a ton of hot chicks laying on these beds that are next to the pool. He said he was hanging out in the nice warm Florida air and he felt like he was getting healthier by doing that... and smoking a cigarette at the same time.
Artie said he tried to go to sleep that night but it was so loud in his room he just couldn't do it. He said he was talking to some women at the club and it just wasn't a good place for him to find a chick. He said there were chicks laying in these beds in thongs so it was pretty crazy out there.
Artie said that Jon Stewart was telling him how the show was kicking ass these days. He also mentioned that Billy Joel was in the front row of Jon's show so that was a big deal for him. Artie also talked about the food that they had down there and how great that was. He had a Cuban sandwich that was great.
Jessica said she walks her golden retriever for hours at a time and doesn't make it pee on wee wee pads. Jessica wants the dog but they'd have to fly it out to Los Angeles for her. She really feels bad for the dog and wants to adopt it.
High Pitch Eric claims he's very responsible but no one believed that. Howard said that Eric is kind of slow. Gary told Howard not to hang up on him yet... He asked Eric if it's true that he had his dog lick his balls. Eric said he did that one time for the Craptacular show. Eric said he put chicken on his balls and had it lick them. Howard said that's sick and wondered if he does that often. Eric said it was just a one time thing and it was just a trick.
Howard and Artie told Eric to go on Letterman with that trick. He could be doing both a stupid human trick and a stupid pet trick at the same time. Artie told Eric that the only thing he needs now is a human. Irish John called in and said that Eric has left his dog for up to a week at a time without being taken care of. He said they went back to his apartment one time and the dog had figured out how to open the refrigerator to get some food. John said the pets also shit in his bath tub. He also said Eric called him the other night asking him to come over and kill a bug for him.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that no one should let Eric anywhere near a dog. Howard said he has no control over that. The caller said he would love to have this dog. He just lost a pet recently and would really like this dog. The guy said that Jessica can't keep a dog because she's insane. As Howard was getting off the line with Eric, Artie said ''I guarantee his cock is inside a dog right now...''
Howard played a prank call that Sal had made where he had a dog licking his balls as he's talking to a woman about adopting a pet. Howard said he can't see Eric being allowed to have another dog so he's not too worried about that happening. He had to go to break but mentioned that his Letterman appearance is being rerun this week. His Jimmy Kimmel appearance is also being rerun.
Artie said he thinks the Stones should use JD live for the one song that Dan had done. Howard said JD could tour with both The Rolling Stones and with The Who after hearing those song parodies.
JD told Howard that he was mentioned on The View and on Jeopardy. He said that Howard was an answer on Jeopardy. Howard played that clip where they mentioned Howard's move to satellite radio. The contestant got the answer correct. JD said they also had The View mention of him so Howard played that clip after talking about how he and Rosie are getting along these days.
In the clip Rosie was talking about how Howard Stern had gotten an $83 million bonus. Howard said that no one has ever gotten his compensation correct in all these years. He continued to play the clip where Rosie and the girls were talking about the amount of that bonus. Barbara Walters also mentioned that her old interviews are on SIRIUS now. Barbara said that she spoke to Howard and said that he was very cute and nice to her when she called in. Even Elisabeth Hasselbeck had some nice things to say about him when they were all on the subject. She said she sees him running in the park often.
Howard said that Paul McCartney had to give his ex-wife $62 million to get rid of her. That led to Robin talking about what she would have done for him if she was going to get that kind of money. Howard asked her what she would do to High Pitch Eric for a month for $50 million. She said that was a different story and she wasn't quite so willing to do that.
Howard played an audio clip that someone put together of JD mumbling and trying to get out a sentence. Artie said he would love to have that CD to play at tailgate parties and stuff.
Artie said he yells at his assistant, Teddy, when he sends him out but it's just a bit that he does. Lisa said that they have audio tape of Artie trying to pick up women pool side and they'll have that on the news today. Shuli will have that report today. She said they have also spoken to George Takei who will be making more appearances on the TV show ''Heroes.'' That led to Howard talking about that show which starts back up tonight. He's looking forward to that.
Lisa G said that Johnny Fratto was on ''One Vs. One Hundred'' and they will talk about that and more on Howard 100 News today, throughout the day.
Howard was wondering if people were tuning out at half time in the Patriots game. Artie said he thinks that it was still a great game and people didn't tune out. Gary said that he listens to a lot of sports radio and several people were calling into sports radio shows talking about how they tuned out. Robin said she actually stayed up to watch the game because the second half turned out to be so exciting.
Howard said they'll try to get a hold of the ratings for that game to find out how many people tuned out. They continued to talk about the game and then Ralph called in and said he's kind of getting tired of Artie's snide remarks about him. He said that Artie makes it seem like he knows nothing about football but he can pick games better than anyone else there. Gary asked Ralph to name just 5 players on the Patriots. Ralph refused to do it because he thought it was ridiculous.
Artie was also asking him to name the place kicker was on the Colts and why it was important. Ralph didn't know who it was and didn't think it mattered. Artie told him that the guy used to play for the Patriots and won them some games and now he's on their arch rival's team.
Gary asked Ralph what he bases his picks on when he does that for a game. Ralph said he just takes things into consideration but he can't divulge his reasons. The guys all picked on Ralph about that for a short time but Ralph held his ground and didn't cave in.
Howard said he found out yesterday that Ralph may have OCD. He said Ralph always calls him back after hanging up the phone. He said he figured he has OCD but Ralph isn't sure if that's true or not. He said he does have to walk back into his house after he leaves and stuff like that.
Howard said Ralph called him yesterday and then called right back and apologized to him for mentioning the check he got from him at Christmas. Howard just wanted to go have his day after getting that call. He said Ralph calls him back with something else after hanging up with him every time. He's not sure what Ralph is thinking when he does that.
Howard said it looked like Ralph had gained some weight when they were down in Florida. He said Ralph has a bit of a belly and some tits now. Ralph told Howard that he noticed that Howard was pulling his bathing suit up to his nipples down there too so he's hiding something. Howard said he's got to do what he's got to do.
Howard said that he mentioned he went to see ''Rocky Balboa'' the other day and talked about how bad it was. Now they've started to get a lot of mail about it. He read through some of the mail and people went off on him for bad mouthing Sylvester Stallone after claiming to be his friend. Ralph called back in the middle of that and said that he forgot to mention something and brought up something pointless with Artie.
Howard also talked about how he became good friends with Billy Squier years ago. They went over that for a short time and talked about how his whole career was kind of ruined after he did a video that was kind of gay. Artie thought that he had a bunch of hits but Howard said it was really only two songs. He also said he didn't think it was the gay video that ruined his career, it was the fact that he didn't have any good songs that ruined it. They ended up playing some Billy Squier songs and talking about how good some of his guitar riffs were. Howard read through his list of hits and didn't recognize many of them.
Ralph called back in and said that the gay video that Billy did really did ruin his career. Howard said it probably did help ruin it. He said that Freddy Mercury was actually gay but he was able to keep his career going. That led to Howard talking about how Scott DePace claims that after he found out that Elton John was gay, he can no longer listen to his music. He said that's ridiculous.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was watching Oprah last week when that kidnapped kid was on. He said the kid wouldn't look at his mother at all during that show. Howard spent a few minutes talking about that but then Artie interrupted and said he was watching that Rock Me Tonight video that Billy Squier put out and it was even gayer than he thought it was. The guy was wearing a pink belly shirt and it was so gay looking. Howard said it really was gay as he was checking it out. Gary said he even prances to the window at one point and looks extra gay. Fred played some ''Somewhere Over the Rainbow'' as they were watching that. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard read an e-mail about Artie and how he was talking about beating the vending machine like you'd beat an insubordinate child. The guy thought that would make Artie a horrible father. Another writer asked Howard how many push-ups Howard could do since Artie was able to do 22 last week. Howard said he never said he could do that many. He does work out but he doesn't challenge anyone to that. Robin said that maybe they should have a challenge where these guys all do that kind of stuff. Howard said he thinks that Fred could compete against him pretty well. He was also saying he could do about 12 pull-ups and no one else in the studio thought they could do it. He said he can climb ropes pretty good too. He said it's not that easy to climb ropes and he has to have knots on the rope.
Howard read some other e-mail about Artie and Robin. There was someone who said it's horrible when they bust Artie's balls about thinking about buying another house like they did last week. Robin said she loves doing that though.
Howard wanted to know if they wanted to go through all of the songs or just skip some. Artie told him to just read off some of them instead. Howard kept playing the songs but kept it short. He played some of Kirk Hammet from Metallica, Tom Morello from Rage Against the Machine, Mark Knopfler from Dire Straits, David Gilmour from Pink Floyd, Brian May from Queen, Ritchie Blackmore from Deep Purple, Jimi Hendrix, Eric Johnson, Jimmy Page, Dimebag Darrel, Eric Clapton, Stevie Ray Vaughan, Chuck Berry and more Jimi Hendrix.
Howard didn't care about some of the guys but did go crazy for Jimi Hendrix. All of the guys were talking about how great he was. Howard said he really likes the Led Zeppelin stuff as well. He would spend more time on that stuff while whipping right through some of the other songs on the list.
Howard had already done the top ten from that last week but he went through them once again during this segment. Everyone was still into the list so Howard kept going as he was getting closer to the number one song. He said only the top 5 songs on that list really counted. He went through those top five songs even though they just went through them last week. The top five included Jimi Hendrix, David Gilmour, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Eddie Van Halen and Jimmy Page at number 1.
The guys disagreed who should be at number one on that list. Howard seemed to think that Eddie Van Halen's ''Eruption'' was pretty great so he tried playing it on a guitar he had in the studio. He picked at the instrument but it didn't sound like he was playing guitar. Then he went into a Yes song he knew on the guitar and that wasn't so bad. Artie said if he could learn to play that on guitar, he'd never leave his house.
Artie talked about how he did a sketch on MAD TV called ''Air Guitar Store'' where everyone that came in played air guitar. Joe Walsh did a guest spot on that show and played air guitar for them.
Captain Janks called in a short time later and said he thought Leslie West should have been on that list up pretty high. Howard had Fred play some of his stuff to show how great he was. They went through that and also played some of Beetlejuice's ''Beetle'' song that Richard Christy put together back at K-Rock. Artie got a few laughs out of that.
Yucko the Clown called in and asked if The Who was on there... The Who Gives a Fuck. Howard figured he was tired of that whole thing so he let Yucko go and said he was going to move on. Artie said he saw Lisa out there and she's got some kind of glamour look going on now. She's got that Queen of Mean thing going for her and he thinks it's working for her. Howard wondered if she hired a fashion consultant. Artie said he's pretty sure that didn't happen. Howard went to break right after that.
Howard said that Robin had picked up on her hair extensions. Lisa thought they matched pretty good but Howard and Robin noticed that right away. Lisa said she's 45 years old now and she has about 5 more years before her vagina closes shop so she's doing what she can now.
Lisa was wearing a fur coat and said she wears that because the blacks like chinchilla fur. Howard said she was wearing some very tight clothes but she didn't seem to think it was that tight. She said she's done with losing weight now because she looks good enough to get a poor white guy. She's dating quite heavily right now. She talked about her last boyfriend who broke up with her.
Lisa claims that she was only dating black guys because that's all she could get. She told Artie that she's attracted to him because they look very similar. The two of them talked about staying down in Vegas this past weekend. Lisa said that they have a pool there just for people who look like them while the good looking people get their own pool.
Howard talked about the place that Lisa and Artie had stayed at because he knew how loud it was. Lisa said she also heard that the girls down there are gold diggers. Lisa said that Howard has changed her life because of something he said about her dating these black guys. She has started to take it slow now.
Howard joked that he and Beth can't even sit by the same pool down in Florida because she's so good looking and he's not. Lisa thinks that Howard has actually gotten hotter looking as time has gone by. Howard asked Lisa about worrying about the stink of her area down there. Lisa said that you take two showers a day and that takes care of it. She said that you have to keep the dirty water from a bath out of there because that can make things worse.
Howard said that there are pictures of Lisa up on his web site for those people who want to see her make over. Howard told her that she's got a nice body. Lisa said she's got nice boobs and a nice cunt as well. She said that her ass isn't so great, it looks like she sat on a gravel driveway. Howard heard that Lisa had moved into the city. She said she did get an apartment in the city but she's got another place up in Connecticut.
Howard asked Lisa if she's ever had an abortion. She laughed and said she's not even sure she can get knocked up. She said that she loves to make out and grind a little and then sends guys home with blue balls. She said she may graze over their balls with her hand but she doesn't do anything with them.
Howard gave Lisa a plug for her Comedy Central special ''Dirty Girl'' which is airing this Sunday night. He also gave her a plug for her web site InsultComic.com where you can find out more about all of that stuff.
Lisa talked about how her parents treated her when she was growing up. She said that they're proud now but they kind of ignored her when she was growing up. Lisa also told Howard that she went out with this ''Spic cop'' in Chicago and it was the best lay she ever had. Howard wondered about her comments and why she was getting so racist. She said she does that because its' funny, she's a comic, not a Senator.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Lisa if she likes anal. She said that she's had guys try that on her but she'll ask the guys to get it out of there. Howard asked her about the shrink she goes to and if it's true that she was told to let go of the black thing and try dating other guys. Lisa said that is what she was told so that's what she's been doing.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Lisa if she would show Howard her feet. She said they're not that good but she would show Howard. Howard said there are a lot of guys who are into feet. Lisa said she knows that, he's met guys who want her to jerk them off with her feet. Lisa took her shoes off but couldn't believe she was doing that. Howard told her they weren't that bad. Jason had come in to take pictures of her feet and Lisa said that's the kind of guy she could pick up. She was also complaining about Scott the Engineer and a comment he made about her earlier.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said that he was looking her over on the web site. He said that she should lose the hair and the shoes are too small for her. He also told her to grow her nails out. He was saying that she was great on the Shatner roast as well.
Artie had put on sunglasses at that point so Howard asked him what was going on. Artie said he was trying to get his own look, that's all. Ralph asked Artie if Lisa has inspired him to lose some weight. Artie said he has been inspired and wants to get some hair extensions. Ralph told Artie that he should go out and buy some clothes so he can look good where he's at right now. Lisa said that she had sex with a guy who was 380 pounds and he dressed nice so some fat guys look good.
Artie said he's not out of control like the 380 guy and if he buys the clothes to fit him now, he'll never get out of that fat look. Lisa said it might inspire him to feel better about himself though.
Another caller told Howard that Ralph is a fag and also wondered if Lisa had gotten gastric bypass surgery. Lisa said she didn't have that done, she went on Jenny Craig's weight loss program and lost the weight. She said she's plugged that stuff a lot and they never send her anything free. She talked about being on Adam Carolla's show and also mentioned her Tonight Show appearance with Michael Clark Duncan. She said the guy was so hot and at one point she said something to him. Then she said a joke that had him laughing so hard that he had to run off the stage. She said she dry humped him on stage at the end of the show but she was bummed out that he had to run off. Lisa was just on The Tonight Show this past week and James Woods was on with her. She said that she was cracking a lot of jokes about his big penis that night.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he was really attracted to her. He said he's only 5'9'' tall and about 150 pounds but he finds her really attractive. Howard told her he'd get that guy's number for her. Another guy called in after that and asked Lisa to hook up with Artie. Lisa said that Artie would never fuck her because he can get skinny chicks no problem, he's a celebrity.
Bobo called in and asked Lisa if she's ever had a threesome. She said she's talked about that and she can't do it because she'd have to be the funny fat friend in the room, not the hot chick in the middle. Howard asked Lisa about the jokes that Lisa has done about Sharon Stone that she had to dump because she didn't show up. Lisa told Howard some of the jokes she wrote because she wasn't able to do them there at the comedy festival.
Artie said he kind of fucked Lisa over at this comedy thing they did. He said he did some jokes about her and then left the show. Lisa said she did some jokes about him anyway even though he wasn't there. She told Howard some of those jokes and had Artie laughing. Lisa said that a lot of her jokes were cut out of her act for the Shatner roast because they said she had gotten cancer and they didn't want them joking about her.
Scott the Engineer called in from his studio to ask her what her problem was. Howard asked him why he wasn't in there. He told him to come right in. Scott came in and explained what he had said earlier when she was coming into the studio. Lisa thought he was bad mouthing her by saying that being nice to her was no big deal because she was only into ''the blacks.''
Howard asked Lisa if her anger has ever gotten her into trouble with anyone. She said she's never been hit or hit anyone so it hasn't really been a problem. That led to Lisa talking about how she takes Welbutrin to keep her from getting depressed. Artie said he was told that Welbutrin was like an opiate and some guy gave him a bunch of pills one day so he tried them but nothing happened. Lisa told him it's an anti-depressant so of course that didn't work. Artie said the next day he was at the airport talking to people that he didn't know and was acting all nice.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he has switched over from XM to SIRIUS since Howard made his move. He said he doesn't believe the XM numbers at all because he knows of so many people who have switched over. The guy said he just dropped his subscription when it ended and he doesn't think they subtract those numbers from their subscriber numbers. The guy wouldn't stop talking but he was very positive about the show so Howard let him go on a little long. After he hung up the guys goofed on him about being an awful caller.
Another caller told Howard that Lisa is not sexy at all and he threw his breakfast on the ground this morning after hearing her on the air.
Dominic Barbara was calling in to talk about the Oprah show that they were talking about earlier. He said that Oprah is guilty of child abuse after what she did on that show with that kidnapped child. He said it's despicable what she did on that show. Howard thanked him for the call but Dominic asked him what would have happened if he had done that same thing. Howard said they would have been all over him. Howard goofed on Dominic a little bit after that and did an impression of him.
Howard asked Lisa what comedienne can't take a joke. Lisa went off on Sandra Bernhard saying that she had heard about her bad mouthing her on Howard's show and she couldn't figure out why that was. She said she was doing this roast of Jerry Lewis and Sandra was on stage so she threw in some nice jokes about her. She said all Sandra did was give her the finger the whole time she was joking about her. She said she still doesn't know why she doesn't like her.
Lisa said that another one who sucked was Bea Arthur. She said she left the Shatner Roast before it was over. She said Betty White was a great sport and took all of the jokes that she threw at her.
Howard said that Eddie the Produce guy was on the phone and wanted to bang Lisa. Howard told Lisa that he's a Hispanic guy who has a black penis. Lisa said she met him at one of the roasts there. Howard told Eddie to get down there as soon as he could and maybe he could bang her. That led to Lisa talking about what she likes to do with guys and the kind of penis she likes to deal with.
Howard took some more phone calls and one guy asked Lisa if she's been with any famous black guys. Lisa said that she had one hit on her but she's never had sex with a famous black guy. She said that this Ultimate Fighter guy Bob Sapp was hitting on her one night.
Howard wrapped up with Lisa, gave her some plugs for all of the stuff she's got going on and got ready to go to break Artie mentioned that he didn't know that Lisa had gone to Harvard. Lisa said she went to school for journalism and did that for 13 years before getting into comedy.
Artie said he talked to Jim about his girlfriend extensively and he's doing alright. Steve said that they have a story about Beth O working for the Extra TV show. Howard said he heard that she's doing an interview with John Bon Jovi this week. Artie asked him if he's jealous of that at all. Howard said he worries about everything and he would never leave the two of them alone.
Steve mentioned that the Howard TV people are looking for a Miss Howard TV and women in the New York Area. Howard heard that Ned from Bubba's show is doing his own radio show tonight on Howard 101. He said that Ned was acting very odd down at Bubba's wedding. He said he kept trying to take his picture the whole time he was there at the wedding.
Howard took a call from a guy who was on another phone talking to someone else. Howard listened to that guy for a short time as he discussed something that they were trying to figure out. The guy was asking if something was going to have a coating on the back and if it was going to filter out the particles. Robin wasn't paying that much attention to it. Artie was trying to figure out what he could possibly be talking about by putting it all together. The guy was still talking on the other line and talking about 1 micron sized particles and having only a 5 percent penetration.
The guys all listened to the conversation the guy was having and none of them had a clue about what he was talking about. Howard said the guy sounds like a very smart dude. He then figured that the guy was probably on the phone with Jackie the Joke Man making up one of his dopey joke machines.
Some of the guys figured that the guy was talking about a haz-mat suit or something. The guy got off the other line so Howard started yelling out his name trying to get him to pick up. Howard eventually got George on the line and said he was going to try out his psychic abilities. He said he doesn't know this guy and then asked him if he's been thinking about particles recently. George said he had and started to laugh when he realized that they had heard the conversation he just had.
Howard asked him about the microns, the polypropylene and other stuff. He then asked him what he was talking about on the phone. The guy said they deal in Haz-Mat suits so it turns out Robin was correct when she said that's what she thought he was talking about. The reason this guy was calling in was to try and adopt that dog David they mentioned earlier in the show. Howard told him to call the North Shore Animal League and try to make that adoption happen.
The caller was saying that one of his buddies had something to do with putting money up for his movie. Artie said that was cool but Howard hung up on him before they got any further into that.
Artie did his impression of Jon Hein giving his show preview and delivered his lines the way Jon does. Howard got a laugh out of that. Jon wasn't sure he should even bother with his rundown after Artie got two of his four stories wrong. Jon went into his show preview and it was very similar to what Artie had just done. Jon went through some of the other stuff that they were going to cover on today's Wrap Up Show. Howard had Robin start her news after that.
Howard also mentioned that Art Buchwald had died over the weekend. He said he felt really sad about that because he'd just gotten a letter from him recently. He said that Art took himself off of Dialysis about a year ago because he just wanted to die a peaceful death. It turns out he lived for over a year without the dialysis going on. Howard said he was a good guy and he respected him very much.
Howard also talked about the death of Denny Dougherty who played for the Mamas and the Papas. He gave him a quick eulogy even though the guy didn't seem to be much of a fan of his. Howard played some of their music while talking about him.
Artie said that after hearing that Mamas and the Papas song he realized that the White Stripes have a song that sounds very much like that song. He asked Fred to find that song so he searched his computer for the song ''It's True That We Love One Another.''
Dan the Song Parody Man called in and said that the song that Artie was trying to create for Howard has been in the works for months now. He said that he put in a lot of time into the music for him and Artie has been blowing it off or a while now. Artie took all the blame for not getting it done.
Fred played a quick clip of the White Stripes song and Howard said it was a little similar to the Mamas and the Papas song. Howard had Robin get back to her news a short time later.
Howard and Artie got back to goofing on Sylvia Browne during the news. Artie as also goofing on Scott DePace about his thoughts about what's been going on with the President lately. Ralph called in and said that he can't believe how blind Scott is to what a boob President Bush has been about so many things. The two of them went back and forth for a few seconds but didn't spend too much time on that.
Howard was also asking Scott about how much time he spends playing video games. He asked him how long he took creating his character in Tiger Woods Golf for his Xbox. Scott said he did that and tried to make his character look like Howard. He didn't say exactly how much time he spent on that though.
Robin finsihed up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:20am.
Howard started off the show talking about the show that Ned from Bubba the Love Sponge's show did last night. He had some clips to listen to this morning. Robin got in an apology for some things she was saying yesterday about whether or not Bill Clinton could be Vice President. She found out that he could not become President again because he's not eligible to run. She said he can only be in office twice. The guys went through that and then Howard said that Artie really gave it to them on the Wrap Up Show yesterday.
Robin heard Artie yelling at them on that Wrap Up Show and said that she doesn't think that he's a boob like he thought she did. Howard said he almost made the same mistake that Artie was going to make about buying a new house. Howard played the audio of Artie freaking out on both he and Robin about the way they were picking on him when he said he was thinking about buying a house. He called them a couple of ''therapy self righteous pricks'' in that clip.
Howard said Artie interprets them giving him some advice as them picking on him. He started to get into it with Artie again and Artie started eating and asking him to lay off that subject. Artie said he's going to keep his apartment and not sell it. Robin said he explained it to her better off the air so she now understands it. Artie said he's looking to buy a house because his apartment is too small for him. He wants to rent out his apartment and keep it.
Howard said Artie doesn't want to be a landlord. Artie said he's not going to handle that stuff, someone else would handle it. Howard said that person is going to come to him and bother him when that stuff isn't working. Artie told Howard to stop with that stuff because he's not going to be working there anymore if this keeps up.
Howard asked him why he would hold onto that apartment. Artie said it's an investment and when they build that Freedom Tower, his apartment will have a perfect view of it. He thinks that'll make it worth even more. Artie said that Howard stares at a chess board and other people want to stare at the Freedom Tower.
Howard said that this move is going to cause Artie some problems if he keeps the apartment. Artie said it's just one apartment and he's fine with that. Howard asked him if he wants to be a landlord. Artie said he wanted to strangle Howard after all of this. He said Howard sounds like an annoying old fuck. Howard said he's going to try to set someone off each morning from now on.
Howard said he finds it surprising that Artie is so annoyed when he asks him about being a landlord. Artie said he didn't plan on being a landlord but it's not going to be forever. Fred said that Artie might be overreacting to this conversation. The two of them ganged up on Artie and told him that if he's the landlord, he's going to be getting phone calls from his tenants.
Howard said he knows that Artie is going to blow his stack when the people have a dog in the apartment or something. Artie said he's not going to allow kids or dogs in there when he rents it out. Artie was still pissed and talking about how he wanted to check out the web site HowardsADick.com after Howard mentioned a phony web site called ArtiesWrong.com.
Howard said if you bring something up on the air, you have to expect it to be discussed. He said Artie seems like he's on the rag or something. They ended up getting into a betting discussion but Howard interrupted that and said that Artie is very irritable and maybe that's because he's gone too long without pussy. He said he needs some emergency pussy. Artie said if there is such a thing, they should bring it in.
Howard told Artie to remember this and if in 5 years he's right, he should let him know. Jessica Hahn called in and said that Howard is being rough on Artie. She said he's talking down to Artie and it's not right. Artie thanked her for that.
Artie said the whole reason he wants to do this is because he's got so much shit he needs to store. Howard told him to get a storage bin, that's what he does. Artie said he holds onto all of his jokes and keeps those in piles like Jackie does. He was just kidding but said he keeps all kinds of stuff that he's collected over the years. Howard said he can't imagine what he needs all that room for. Artie said he needs more room for himself too... for himself and all of his shirts.
Howard said that people just have the inability to throw stuff out and they wouldn't need the room if they just threw out stuff they don't use. Jessica tried defending Artie more but she also said she's not thrilled with him because he kind of blew her off out in Los Angeles. Artie said that's not true and he never said he didn't want a hand job from her.
Artie asked Jessica if she can get into the Playboy mansion at any time. Howard said they had to evict her from that place, of course she can't get back in there. Jessica said she could go there but that has nothing to do with Artie blowing her off. Howard let her go a short time later.
Artie got into the whole RobinsWrong.com web site and how he knows that Robin is mad about it but she won't admit to it. They talked about that on the Wrap Up Show yesterday as well. Robin doesn't understand why Artie gets pissed off at her about that whole thing. Artie said he's not mad, he was just pointing out how she sounded mad on the show but didn't admit that she was.
Howard had another audio clip from the Wrap Up Show where Ralph called in to defend Robin but ended up turning on her. Howard played that clip and Ralph says that Robin isn't a news woman and she shouldn't be held accountable for the minor mistakes she makes. He said she just sits there and reads. Then he went off on her for some of the mistakes she did make.
Howard wondered what that was all about. He said Gary also tried to defend him during the show. Gary slipped and had a bit of a Freudian slip when he said something about Beth being a great actress if she's actually in love with Howard.
Howard said it would be great if Ralph ended up being Artie's tenant. He did an impression of Ralph telling Artie he can't come up with the rent and saying that he doesn't need the money.
Eric said he was in Vegas last week and got to meet Criss Angel and Jason Herbie. He also went to Crazy Girls. Howard said Eric's whole thing is trying to meet famous people. He used to try to meet chicks but now he's trying to meet dudes. Eric was impressed with Criss Angel's trick where he pulls a playing card from a cigar. He also told Artie that he's living at the Luxor so he may see him out there when he does his comedy show. Howard thanked Eric for his call and hung up on him. He had other things to do.
Robin was telling Howard that she wants to take a break from the show like Artie did back in 2005 when he was on heroin. She said she'd like some unscheduled time off once in a while.
Howard said that Tom Jones left him a message recently. He played the message where Tom congratulated Howard on his move to satellite and said he'd like to come in sometime. Howard said that they're actually putting together a music special for Howard 100 and they've been calling a bunch of these people to talk about their experiences. Gary said that Tom also talked about how he got to hug Robin and felt her boobs rubbing up against him. That will be part of the music special.
Howard moved on to some prank calls that Sal and Richard made. They called into a chess show to goof on the host. Richard got through and told the woman that he kept knocking over his pieces with his boner. Then Sal called in doing his lame black guy impression and asked if the woman ever puts the king piece in her pussy. He calls back and says he wants to put his cock in her... and gets cut off. Richard calls in and says he's got his fist up his ass. Sal calls back again and says he wants to put his finger in her asshole. Richard calls in and says he loves the show and plays chess with his grandson. He keeps asking dumb questions until they hang up on him. Sal then calls back again as Muhammad and says he wants to blow up her pussy.
Howard said Sal called some black women and kept calling to find some women to have phone sex with him. He calls it ''ghetto fishing.'' Howard played that call where Sal finds a woman to have phone sex with him. The woman tells him that she's too expensive for him. The next woman hangs up on him as well. The third woman tells him to kiss her black ass. Sal keeps calling women and finds one who plays along with him. She let him talk dirty to her for a short time.
Howard played a song that the guys put together using clips of Gilbert Gottfried singing a song on the show recently. Howard said when he was working on ''Son of the Beach'' he asked Gilbert to go into a room and just keep singing. They shot the scene but they had to cut it down because he was the only one laughing at it. That led to him talking about how they did one great show where they had Osama Bin Laden on the show.
Robin mentioned that Tim Stack was on ''My Name is Earl'' playing his character Notch Johnson from ''Son of the Beach.'' Howard said that's because Tim is working as a writer on that show and wrote himself into it. Howard said he got a copy of the show but he hasn't seen it yet.
Howard got back to Artie's whole new home thing and said he's going to end up like Jackie. Artie said he really just needs a new kitchen for his food. Howard said that's the first thing he's said that makes sense. Robin said Artie is going to have to find out how the food is in the area where he moves to. Artie said that is important to him. Robin said most people look for good schools, Artie is looking for good restaurants.
King of All Blacks called in and told him that he had to tell him how good his interview with Ol' Dirty Bastard was. He saw it on TV somewhere and talked about how funny that was. Howard talked about that interview and how that all went down. King also asked Howard who he thinks is the hottest news anchor is in New York. Howard said it's this woman Liz Cho who works for ABC news. King said that's not right. He said there's another woman by the name of Darlene Rodriguez who he likes.
King asked Howard when he gets married, can he come to the wedding because he promised he could. Howard said that was a long time ago and he probably won't invite him. Howard ended up talking about how bad divorce is for some guys and how the hardest hit are fire men, police and guys like that. They get hit really bad when they get divorced. King thought that Howard was thinking of moving ahead with his marriage but Howard said he'd be open to it but he's not planning anything right now.
King asked Howard how he keeps his relationship fresh. Howard didn't want to answer that. King asked him if he would rather be bald or blind. Howard said he'd rather be bald of course. King was going through a lot of questions and not answering them. King also asked Howard what kind of cars he's got. He said he's got an Audi (A8) and a Mercedes truck. King said he thought he flooded his car out and ruined it. Howard said that did happen but he had a new motor put in it. It was covered by his insurance. King laughed at him when he heard that.
Howard said he loves that Audi and didn't want to get rid of it. He said his buddy Wayne Segal told him the car was still good, it just needed a new engine. Howard didn't understand what king wanted him to do, go out and buy a new car each time? King said he understands that.
King said that he knows that cars aren't a bit thing in Howard's life. He asked him what his biggest materialistic things are in his life. Howard said it would be his home. He likes living in a nice place. He doesn't have a lot of needs other than that. King asked him how big his apartment is and how many floors are in there. Howard told him it's a big apartment and described some of what he'd see if he walked in.
Howard said there's a foyer when you walk into the apartment. King interrupted and asked him if there's a chandelier in there. Howard said it's just a regular light bulb. He's got a small bathroom or a powder room when you walk in. It's got a glass floor, like a shiny looking floor. There's a prison toilet in there which is made of stainless steel. He said that was a mistake because it's tough to find a seat for it.
Artie told King that the most extravagant thing that Howard does is take a limo when he goes out. Other than that he doesn't have a lot of flashy stuff. King mentioned that Howard has a house out in the Hamptons though so that's pretty extravagant.
Artie got back into his new home search for a short time but King asked Howard more about his apartment. Howard said that on one side is a dining room that was turned into an office. There's a living room and a kitchen and a bedroom of course. There are also two small bedrooms for his daughters and one of them is used for Beth's office as well. He said that's all there is to it but King found that hard to believe. He said he knows he's a modest guy but he wants to know what kind of kitchen it is. He asked if there's an island in the kitchen or anything. Howard said it's actually a very small kitchen and only one person can stand in there at one time.
Howard said he can't go to a Co-op because they won't accept him. They think that he's like Tommy Lee or something like that. Howard said he's actually a model citizen and he's the one who complains about noise in the building. The Co-op boards look at him as if he's going to be a problem. He said he won't even apply because he's not going to allow someone to reject him. He said they have some nice Co-op apartments but he's not going to go through that.
Howard told a story about how he's the only person that real estate agents know as being rejected from a condo. Howard said this guy who owned 51 percent of this building refused to rent him the condo. Howard said that's the kind of stuff he has to put up with.
King said that being black is tough too and he doesn't want to live in neighborhoods where other blacks live. He said when you buy a piece of property, you have to keep in mind that you have to sell it some day. Howard and King talked about that for a short time. Howard said people in his neighborhood probably thought about selling when he moved into the neighborhood. King said he's quiet and doesn't cause any trouble so they love him. They also love Howard's show so they know he's not going to be a problem.
King said he really wants to see Howard's apartment. Artie told him it's a really nice apartment and he may know more about it thane even he does because he's been there and didn't know everything that Howard told him. Howard let King go a short time later.
Artie asked Robin if she's ever had a weird experience with a real estate agent. Howard said she did and he was with her at the time. He told Artie about how they went to look at some places and they were showing her some awful stuff. They weren't bringing her to nice places that she could afford. Robin said that Howard asked the agent if they were showing her that stuff because she was black. Howard said he called the agent and she said she couldn't legally comment on that line of questioning. Robin said they were able to find someone else who handled things for her.
Howard said that they weren't all that famous yet and they were being treated like regular people. That treatment was pretty shitty. That led to Howard talking about how he was shown a house out in Roslyn at one time and when he was looking at it, he noticed that there was a black family living there. He said he didn't end up buying it but he should have. He said he really couldn't afford it at the time.
Another caller asked Howard about his love for Fred and if he thinks that's why Artie gets so upset with him. He said that maybe Artie is upset that Howard doesn't just leave him alone like he does to Fred. Howard said Artie seems to resent him when he tries to help him out with anything. Artie said he doesn't get irate with Howard all that often.
The caller was telling Artie not to buy a house to move to, he should buy a house to have as a vacation house out in the Hamptons or something.
Gary came in with a breaking story. He had recorded his call with Sal who had called in from Penn Station. Sal was vomiting in a garbage pail on the platform near the train. Sal then told Gary that he'd just farted and shit himself. Gary said Sal didn't know he was being recorded at the time. Howard laughed and said he sounds like a mess. Artie told Sal to stay home and not come in and get anyone else sick. Howard and Artie goofed on Sal about the way he sounded in that call.
Howard took another call from a guy who said Artie looked kind of weird in the Howard TV special about Bubba's wedding. He asked Artie what was up with the bathing suit he was wearing. Artie said he picked it up in the gift shop that was there at the hotel. The caller said he thought Howard was kidding about Artie wearing his shoes and socks to the pool.
Howard said Ronnie the Limo Driver wears his socks at the pool too. He wears dark socks and black shoes to the pool and looks like a Grandpa out there. The Howard TV guys showed a shot of that so Robin could see it. Richard told Howard that Artie didn't take his tightie whiteys off when he wore the bathing suit. He said he saw that when they were out on their wave runner. Artie said he had Richard on the back of his wave runner and he warned Richard not to get a boner when he was holding on to him.
Howard asked Richard if he got a boner. Richard said he tried but he wasn't able to do it. Howard said he should have cum on Artie's back. Artie said he can't even think about that. Artie said Richard was fucking around and saying that it was feeling good but he told him not to do anything because there were no cameras around or anything. It was too creepy.
Howard took a call from Bob ''Wolfie'' Wolf who was in last week with an Artie game. He asked Artie if he ever eats while sitting on the toilet. Artie said he can't do that because he really scheeves that shit. He said he might drink something. He said he has done that with a Jack and water in his hand. Howard had to go to break after that. He ended up talking about some of the stuff they had coming up. He also mentioned that they have this Beetlejuice special up on Howard TV this month and that's supposed to be good. Howard also mentioned the Stupid Bowl show that they have set up for Super Bowl weekend. After that he went to break.
Howard had Lisa G come in to do her Howard 100 News preview. After that they were going to play a game with a couple of people. Artie was still singing along to the Ozzy song so Howard said he heard that Sharon and Kelly Osbourne were supposedly going to do Dancing with the Stars but they backed out. They ended up with people like Ian Ziering. That led to them talking about that show and about this cop show where a bunch of celebrities try to be cops. They apparently get paid $60,000 per episode to do that show.
Howard read a list of the people who have been chosen for the latest Dancing with the Stars. He read the notes about Ian Ziering and they credit him with his appearance on ''Son of the Beach'' as one of the few things he's done since Beverly Hills 90210. Howard said he'd like to see Judge Judy and Madonna's husband Guy Ritchie on that show.
Howard said he saw a gay magazine at his gym and the big question on the cover was ''Is the Pope Gay?'' He said he's apparently got a very handsome younger man who travels with him all the time so now people are questioning if he's gay or not. Howard goofed on him for a short time doing an impression of him for a short time.
Howard asked Lisa G to do her news preview. She mentioned that he's on PerezHilton.com because they had some pictures from the comedy festival that he did over the weekend. Lisa told Artie about what was going on there and how big that news was. Howard saw the picture and said that Artie has gotten so fat that he can rest his microphone on his belly. They talked about how John Pinette can do the same thing and that's the way he does his act. Howard thought it was kind of cool that Artie could do it.
Howard had Artie resting his cup on his big belly and Lisa was shaking her had as if she was horrified by it. She said she just wants Artie to be healthy. She also said he's got a cumber bun made of blubber there. Howard asked Lisa what else she's got. She said that there's a billboard advertising his appearance in Atlantic City and the picture they use on the billboard is out of date. It's the thin Artie, not the 296 pound Artie. Artie said they sold that show out in 20 minutes so they're adding another date. It's 2500 seats and it sold out that quick.
Lisa said they got some faxes and rambling phone messages from Ivy Supersonic who has been complaining about being robbed of money she was going to use for pussy surgery. Howard said she's always got some problem. Howard let Lisa go after that.
Howard asked Michelle what she was wearing. She was nude and said she's going to be 40 years old in June. Howard asked her if she's in good shape. She said she's 5'8'' and weighs about 135 pounds. She's had a couple of kids but they're grown and out of the house.
Michelle and Mike were in their bedroom and ready to play this game. They were going to do the air blowing thing and Howard and the guys were going to have to figure out which hole the air was coming out of. Howard had Michelle describe herself to him and then described what she was going to be doing.
Michelle said that she won't even know which hole she's having the air blown into. Howard said that maybe they should bet each other with this stuff once they hear what's going on. He had Michelle demonstrate. Mike went down on her, blew some air in there and she blew it right back out. Robin guessed that it was the vagina. Artie said that he's going with Robin since she's the only one with a vagina in the room. Fred went with Vagina as well. Michelle said it was the vagina. Howard had guessed it was the butt.
Mike went down on her again and blew some of that are in there. When Howard heard the air blow out, he knew it was the asshole. He said it sounded like she shit the bed. He had him blow it in there again and he knew it was ass again. Mike said they have had accidents before. He said that a ''tiny little nug'' came out. He said it didn't hit his face or anything.
Howard had Mike go down on her once again. He wondered if they play it for hours at a time. Mike said that he just plays it once in a while when they're messing around. He blew some more air into Michelle and Howard was able to identify it.
Howard asked Mike if Michelle likes it when he eats her ass. He said she does like that kind of stuff. Howard asked Mike to crack his penis like he said he could. Mike didn't have a boner at the time because he was too nervous so he couldn't do it.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Mike if he knows he could kill Michelle by doing this. Mike said he's not blowing a lot of air in there, it's just a little. He said it's just a mouthful, not enough to kill her. Howard said his great grandmother died this way, his great grandfather was blowing air into her.
Howard took some more calls and then had Mike do some more ass air blowing. Mike decided to blow into both holes at once. He went down and did that and Michelle blew a couple of nasty sounding queefs and farts. Mike said he primes the hole with his tongue and then blows in a tiny bit of air. He said she tries to hold it in but she laughs and it comes out quickly.
Howard said he thinks that Sal and Richard would do that. Richard came in and said he would let it be done to him but Sal is dirty down there. Mike asked Richard to stop doing the gay stuff with Sal. He's really bothered by that.
Howard asked Mike to do one more blast. He went down, did his thing and then started laughing his ass off when Michelle blew that out. He said that was her asshole that he had just done. Howard asked Mike if they would come down and do this live in the studio. He said that Michelle probably wouldn't want to do it. Howard said they could create a whole game show out of this.
Howard thanked Mike and Michelle for calling in and tried to let them go a short time later. Mike was very high strung. Howard figured he was high. He had Mike put Michelle back on the line so he could talk to her. Michelle said they were practicing last night to make sure they could do this today. She said that she has no problem letting Mike do this stuff because they've known each other for so many years. She said she loves when Mike puts his tongue up her ass. Richard said that some women are able to have ''assgasms.'' Michelle said she doesn't have that. Howard let her go a short time later. Mike tried to blast a fart as he was getting off the phone but Howard said that would be gay if they listened to him farting.
Benjy noticed some weird stuff going on down there. He blew in some air and then Richard farted. Howard missed it so he told him to do it again. Benjy went in and did it again. Richard tried farting but he was struggling with it. Richard said he can feel the air going in when Benjy blows it in there.
Richard said he had a bubble of air stuck inside and he was trying to get it out. Benjy said he could see Richard's rectum opening up when he did it. He was also saying that Richard smells like the jerk off booths that guys go to.
Richard tried again but still wasn't able to fart. Howard told him to give up. Benjy let out a yell when the straw came out brown. He was freaking out yelling and saying ''Oh my god!'' over and over. Benjy said he had a piece of shit in his ass.
Captain Janks called in and started gagging when he was listening. He said he was out on the porch listening and threw up on his shirt. Artie said he had to get out of there because he was so grossed out. He was ready to walk out because he was trying to eat. Janks said that was the most disgusting thing he's ever heard on the show.
Another caller said that he had to cancel his subscription after this. Howard said it was actually very funny to see though. Benjy thought it was fun until the straw came out. Gary told Howard that Richard was out in the hall retching for some reason. Howard figures someone put the straw in his mouth.
Richard said it was really gross but he was still holding his straw so Howard told him to throw it away and move on with his life. Richard threw it away so the guys told him to wash his hands. Richard almost walked out of the bathroom without doing that. They told him to go wash in the other bathroom.
Howard said he wouldn't let people blow air into his asshole. The guys were goofing on Richard as he was walking to the other bathroom. Artie told him to go to the gay channel and have them smell his fingers. He eventually washed his hands and got all clean. He said he had forgotten to do that until they reminded him about it. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard said he's going to have Richard come in and collapse so he can tell beet to call 911. Howard said he could also tell him that he's got a direct link to Osama bin Laden and have him yell at him. Howard said they'll get it started with Beet and see if everyone can give out the phony call thing with him. They have all kinds of objects that they're going to try with Beet to see if he will talk to it as if it were a phone.
Artie put on his shades again for the second day in a row. Artie said he's been inspired by Howard and went out and bought a $9 pair of shades to wear. Howard had Beetlejuice come in after that.
Beetlejuice has a new DVD out called ''Beetlejuice, Bad As Can.'' Howard gave him some plugs as Beet was walking in but Beet was in a foul mood today. He told Howard he's tired of everything and he doesn't care. He said he's going to leave because he's do tired of this stuff. Robin figured he saw Richard put that straw up his ass. Beetlejuice was in a really bad mood so he was telling Howard ''Goo fo you, goo fo you...''
Beetlejuice hadn't smoked any weed and didn't have anything to drink so that might be why he was in such a foul mood. Beet was on the verge of crying so Howard tried to cheer him up. Howard said he had a phone call for him but when he asked Beet to talk to the person, he said he wasn't going to talk to anyone. He refused to take the phone and Howard's idea to fool him didn't work either.
Howard asked Gary if he was in a bad mood when he was out in the green room. Gary said he was in a bad mood but sometimes he changes and rallies for the show. Howard asked Beet to talk to a hot chick on his sponge phone but Beet wasn't into any of this. He refused to take the phone. Howard asked him about how he was back at home with his mother. Something happened where Sean is no longer able to take care of him or something. Beetlejuice didn't even want to talk to Sean (Howard on his fake phone).
Artie tried asking Beetlejuice what his problem was but he wasn't talking about anything. Beet said he's ready to give up show business and didn't care if they promoted his DVD or not. Howard told Beet he had the President of show business on the phone but Beet didn't want to take that call either.
Howard had a clip from Beet's new DVD so he played that to try and help him promote it. Beetlejuice was singing along to a song in the clip he played. Howard asked Gary if he was in a bad mood from the start. Gary said he apparently slept in the limo and they woke him up on the way there as they got closer. Then he got there and was in a foul mood.
Beetlejuice said that he might go home and kill himself. Howard asked him to be serious and hoped he was kidding about hurting himself. Howard was worried that he was really going to hurt himself. Gary said they had a hot chick for him too. Robin said that hot chick might not be the best thing for him right now. Artie said that Beet has been down before but not like this.
Howard told Beetlejuice that he'd do what he could to help him. Beetle said he really doesn't care. Artie asked him if it was his sunglasses that were getting him down. Beet just said he doesn't care about anything today. Howard played another clip of Beet singing along to a Frank Sinatra song. He seemed to be making the lyrics up as he went along but actually got some of them right.
Howard asked if Beetle came there with anyone because he didn't want to let him go. Gary said there were two guys there with him. One of the guys, Jason, said that Beet was in a good mood before he napped, then he was in this awful mood. Howard said he didn't want to keep him there if he was in a bad mood. He asked him if he wanted to stay or leave. Beet wanted to get out of there so Howard asked the guys to keep an eye on him.
Howard told Beet he has to think of his mother and sister and not do anything to hurt himself today. Beetlejuice didn't care about any of that stuff and he did feel like hurting himself. Howard told him to go home and rest. Howard told Beet that he loves him. Beet told him he'll be fine as he was getting ready to leave. Then he said he may not ever come back to visit.
Howard said that Beetlejuice is the man. Beet said that the good times are no more so the guys told him to just get through this and he'll be fine. Beet said he doesn't think they will. Howard asked Beet what the best time he's ever had was. Beet didn't remember so Howard told him about the times he was fucking some chicks. Fred played some sad music (REM's ''Everybody Hurts'') in the background as they were talking to him. Beet didn't remember any of the good times. He kept saying ''I don't know... I don't remember'' when they'd bring stuff up.
Howard said this isn't the Beetle he knows. He asked Beet if there's something wrong with Sean. Beet didn't know about that either. Howard told him that he saved Sean's life when he called 911. Artie asked Beet if he wanted some money. Beet said ''No thanks'' to that. Artie wanted Beet to stop talking about hurting himself. Howard was going to turn Beet over to the guys he was with and let him go. Howard told him that Will was going to help him out.
Howard told Beet he loves him and Beet thanked him for that. Artie and Robin also told him they love him as well. They said he has friends and asked him to call the show tomorrow. Beet said he'd think about that. Howard showed Beet a picture of him smiling. Beet wasn't into that. Howard let him go and said they need to keep an eye on him. Howard gave him another plug for his DVD and for JollyDwarf.com. The guys said they've never seen him so down before.
Howard asked Lisa G to leave Beet alone but she was trying to interview him out in the hall. He apparently ripped the mic out of her hand. Howard said he was apparently fine until after his nap in the car. He said he hopes he's alright. This is the most depressing time of the year according to experts. Robin said that tomorrow is supposed to be the worst day of the year for a lot of people.
Howard was going to take a break but they had to wake Artie up first. The guy said it looked like he was sleeping during that segment. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard had some Gary Garver interviews to play. The first interview was with Joe Pesci who he saw out at a golf outing. Joe always plays along with him but he was kind of upset that he had generic questions for him. Joe said he didn't even have his name on the list so he wasn't prepared. Gary asked him if he's got a favorite porn star. Joe said that when he was young the porn stuff turned him on but now that he's older it turns him off. He said the girls that are in it just turn him off. Howard said he finds that hard to believe.
Gary asked Joe why Jennifer Aniston can't hold onto a man. Joe thought that was nonsense. Gary asked him how heavy the fattest chick was he ever slept with. Joe thought and couldn't come up with anything. He said it was probably when he was about 17 he was with a chick who weighed about 250 pounds at a bachelor party. He said he didn't care at that age. Gary asked him if he plans on playing golf with OJ at all. Joe said he doesn't plan on it but he never knows. Gary asked Joe to say a few things about Howard's first anniversary at SIRIUS. Joe had some nice things to say about him but he's hoping that he settles down some day. Howard thought that interview was really good.
Howard had another interview that Garver tried to do with Jerome Bettis. Gary asked him who the modern day Bob Hope is. Jerome said that Bob was an icon and it's hard to say. He was also asked about the war in Iraq and answered that question. Then Gary asked him how heavy the fattest chick was that he ever slept with. Jerome left when he heard that one.
Howard said Gary got an interview with Michael Bolton. Garver asked him why he avoids Howard Stern. Michael said he's never been invited on the show but he thinks he's funny as hell. He said there wouldn't be much in it for him if he did do the show. Garver asked him if his penis should be in the penis hall of fame. Michael said Howard would know that so maybe he should ask him. He laughed and walked away.
Garver went to another event and got an interview with Sydney Portier. Garver asked him a question about Lindsay Lohan and he thought that was an inappropriate question. Garver then asked him what his chess ranking is. Howard and Robin got a laugh out of that.
Next up was an actor by the name of Glen Terman. He's on HBO's ''The Wire.'' Garver asked him if he's doing anything to help the environment. Glen gave a quick answer and then Garver asked him a question about spending time at this event he was at while there are starving children in the world. The guy got irritated and started to stutter as he was talking to Garver.
Howard said they have some big news there at SIRIUS. He said that Jaime Foxx is launching a new channel there at SIRIUS and it's going to be called Foxx Hole. He'll have all kinds of urban talk and comedy on the channel. Howard read the press release about the channel and spent a short time on that. The channel launches this spring on SIRIUS channel 106.
Howard said he's still worried about Beetlejuice. He said he's heard that Beet wanders out of the house at night and it's gotten so crazy that he had to move back home with his mother. He's got two guys with him today so he should be okay.
Howard heard a noise coming from Artie like he was wheezing. Fred said he was looking around when he heard that noise and realized it was Artie. Howard asked if the guys had an iso mic on him so they could replay the noise he just made.
Howard replayed the prank call that Richard and Sal made to a chess show. He had played that earlier in the morning. Howard said chess has to be livened up a little bit and they seemed to have done a good job at that.
Howard said he got a positive e-mail and that surprised him. The writer liked the way he was doing impressions of his parents on his megaphone. There was also an e-mail about Ronnie the Limo Driver who has gotten to be annoying on the show lately. The writer said that he makes no sense and Wendy the Retard makes more sense than he does. That led to Fred playing some Ronnie audio clips.
Gary said that they do have a clip of Artie wheezing. Howard played the clip and Artie couldn't believe that came from him. The sound was insanely long and loud coming from him. Artie said it sounds like he's near death. He said that may have been his wake-up call to lose some weight.
Howard took a call from a guy who weighs over 600 pounds. Artie said that's double the size of him. The guy said that it's going to catch up with him eventually and he'd better work on it now before it gets out of hand. The guy said that the wheezing is just a sign of things to come. The guy, Tiny, said that he's been trying to lose weight and he got down below 600 after going into the hospital. He was a truck driver and now he has to use a walker. He's only 46 years old, not too far from Artie's 39.
Howard asked Tiny if he can wipe his ass. Tiny said he can do it but it does take some extra effort. He said he has some trade secrets he uses. He said he has to lay down to get back there. Howard said that must be disgusting. Tiny said it is but it beats walking around with poop up his butt. Howard can't imagine having to lay on his side to wipe his ass. Artie said he would take his own life before that would happen.
Howard said that the first wads of toilet paper must be full of shit. Tiny said it's not that bad. Tiny said he puts the toilet paper in the toilet but he has to put it on this ''little thing'' that's near his bed before it goes in the toilet. He said it's a little metal tray that he uses. He said it's all wrapped up good before he takes it to the bathroom.
Howard wanted to video tape this guy wiping himself because it could scare some people into losing weight. Howard wondered if he ever falls asleep when he's wiping himself. Tiny said he's never done that. He always takes care of business before doing that. Artie said that this guy takes care of himself but there are probably people out there who just shit themselves and don't care.
Tiny said that he can get around and he is able to shower even though the shower is very small. The guy claimed that he only has a bagel in the morning and a small lunch. Howard said he's got to be full of shit and he's got to be eating more than that. Tiny said he's losing weight now so that's all he's eating. Tiny said when he was driving a truck he'd eat anything he could.
Tiny said he's not as bad as Artie when it comes to that stuff. He said he was near 700 pounds back in September. Artie said he just wouldn't eat as much if he had to go through that wiping stuff like Tiny does. Howard asked him about having sex and how he does that. Tiny said it's more trouble than it's worth. He said the woman has to get on top of him. Howard said that might be why Artie isn't having sex. Artie said he doesn't have trouble walking around and wiping himself though. Howard let Tiny go after that. Tiny wished Artie luck with his weight loss. They told him to keep in touch to let Artie know that he has to lose weight.
Howard got back to e-mail and read some stuff about Robin's craziness returning. He said she's taking a lot of shit about that. There's also a lot of negative stuff about Scott DePace. He read through a bunch of those and then had Steve Langford come in.
Steve said that there's CraigsList listing for a casting call for Artie Lange look-alikes for a Blue Iris movie. He also said that Artie has made it into the NY Times crossword puzzle as of today. He is number 35 down listed as ''Howard Stern Sidekick Lange.'' Steve also mentioned that they have a story about Bubba's new fight ring that they've created in his studio. He got in a plug for tonight's Jackie's Joke Hunt show.
Howard took a call from Jackie's sidekick Ian who wanted to comment on Artie. He said that Artie seems to be getting caught up in this whole Jackie chair thing and now he's buying multiple houses, doing drugs... what's next, is he going to build a jetty like Jackie did? Howard thanked him for that and moved on to Jon Hein.
Artie did his impression of Jon Hein doing his show preview before Jon got to it. He gave it to them with his delivery and had the guys laughing. Howard called him ''Artie Hein'' and then asked Jon to give his rundown. Jon went into his show preview and it sounded kind of like Artie's rundown. Jon said they'll be talking about the nasty straw stunt that Benjy and Richard did. Then they'll talk about Beetlejuice being in a foul mood today.
Howard ended up back on the subject of that guy Tiny again. He and Artie did their impressions of that guy and talked about those wiping habits of his. Artie told a story about an 800 pound guy he knew who had to have people come over to his place to move him around and clean up his shit.
They spent some time goofing on Tiny and talking about what it would be like to have to clean that guy's ass. A caller told Howard that Bubba was talking about what it was like to be 500 pounds and how he used to have Spice Boy help him wipe his ass with a beach towel. That led to the guys talking about how fat guys arms start looking like dinosaur arms and how they can't reach all the areas they have to. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard had Robin start her news after that. He took a call from ''David Bowie'' (Sour Shoes) who wanted to wish Howard a belated Happy Birthday. Sour Shoes... I mean David Bowie, sang Howard a little bit of ''Heroes'' after Howard requested it. He didn't seem to know the lyrics so he just threw some in once in a while. Howard ended up hanging up on him after he wasn't able to hear his requests for certain songs.
A little later in the news Howard brought up an article that someone sent him where Billy Squire blamed that one video he did for his career being ruined. He read through the article and spent a minute talking about that. Ralph called in and spent some time on that subject as well. He also brought up psychic Sylvia Browne and how she did get the name of the kidnapper right in the kidnapping case of that 11 year old kid. Howard said that the guy's name was Michael and that's the most popular name in the country so it's not that big of a deal.
Robin mentioned that the FCC has reversed their thoughts on whether or not XM and SIRIUS could merge into one company. They spent a short time talking about that and then wrapped up the show around 10:35am.
Howard started off the show singing along to his opening theme song ''The Great American Nightmare.'' Artie was wondering what opened the show before that song did. Howard said that old song would still be opening it but people would go nuts if he changed this one. He said he was really annoying in the recording session with Rob Zombie when they were singing that song. He spent a little while talking about how he and Rob got through that recording session. He said he was absolutely not a rocker when he was performing that.
Howard said he was listening to the show playback yesterday and he realized he's been cursing a little too much so he's going to cut back. He said he used shit and fuck in the same sentence so he's going to cut back on that kind of stuff. He used to be able to do a show without cursing but now it just feels right so he does it.
Howard said he had a big day yesterday. He ran home and tried to squeeze in a game of chess. He had a million things to do and realized he can't fit them all into one day. He played the chess game fast and ended up losing in a half hour. He thought that was pretty quick. He also hates to lose like that. Then he lied to Beth telling her he was on the phone with his agent Don while he was actually playing chess. She knew he was actually playing chess though. Howard said he had to talk to his psychiatrist about it and they're working that out.
Howard said he knows he's insane or just a lunatic. Robin agreed and said that his shrink must think he is too because he wanted him in therapy five days a week. Howard wondered why he's such a lunatic and what happened to him. Robin said it's that obsessive thing he's got going on. He asked her what she means when she says that he is a lunatic.
Robin explained to Howard that most people would do things and get them over with. Howard obsesses over things and they all have to live through it. She used his nose job as an example. She told him that living with him through that was a nightmare. Howard asked if Beth is crazy for being with him. Robin said she is going to have a difficult life. Robin only has to deal with him for a couple of hours a day. Beth has to deal with it all the time so if he's obsessing over something, she has to deal with that. Robin said she's heard the panic in people's voices when they have to deal with Howard on something.
Robin said that Ronnie and Laura (his assistant) have to deal with him when he goes through stuff and they have to make sure things always work or Howard will go nuts. Artie said that Howard set up that wonderful trip to Florida for them and it was wonderful... but Howard was miserable. Artie said he went to tip their limo driver down in Tampa but Howard came running over and insisted on taking care of the tip. He's torturing himself with that stuff and if people don't return that gesture, it drives him nuts. Howard said he does do that and he expects it from his kids so he has to keep that in check.
Robin said she has seen Howard going crazy over a can of soup and things like that. She's seen him go crazy over not being able to use a remote control. She said down in Florida he had left his laptop power cord at home and he went crazy over that. She said she saw people going into a panic over that because he needed it down in Florida.
Artie said that Howard is almost too conscientious about things and it's like he's forcing them to have a good time. They're under pressure to have a good time and it's not very easy. He said that when Howard yells at Gary for something, it's like Einstein yelling at an assistant for not coming up with the theory of relativity.
Robin said that in meetings in the past Howard was so bad that it was scary. Gary said that there was a period of time back around the release of his movie (1997 or so) where Howard yelled at him so much in front of people, he almost threw up. Howard said Gary does need a lot of guidance though. Artie said that there are some people in his life who drive Howard nuts and he understands it. He used Stuttering John as that example. He said when Tim Sabean forgot about Howard's mother coming to the studio, he just had to sit back and laugh. He talked about how warm his parents are but also that they act the same way as Howard does when they obsess on things.
Robin said that Howard notices everything too. If she throws a party, he will call her and thank her but he'll also notice every detail from what was on the napkin to anything else that other people would never see. Howard said that he tracks the movement of his psychiatrist's eye. He watches him that closely that he knows the way his eye moves. He said he once pointed out what was wrong with his eye and the guy found it amazing that he even noticed.
Artie said he hopes that Howard has conquered this and doesn't obsess over stuff. Howard said he doesn't even know what ''this'' is. Gary pointed out a cup of knives and forks in the studio and how Howard would go crazy if there wasn't a fork in that cup one day. Gary said that all work would come to a halt around the offices if there wasn't a fork because he would ask every single person who came into the studio where the forks were.
Robin said that Howard would detail every little thing that Gary needed to do in the past. He would tell him every single detail. Gary said that the phrase that would drive him nuts was when he would say that ''these are the things that keep me up at night...'' Robin said you could actually see physical pain coming from Howard when this stuff happens.
Artie said that they were doing something with George Takei one morning where they were having a lot of fun and just rolling in laughter. Then one caller says that it sounds like the morning zoo and Howard starts to obsess over that even though it was nothing like the morning zoo. Howard is more worried about what his listeners are saying than what he thinks himself.
Howard said he's still got zero satisfaction over his career. Artie said that's not possible because if he quit tomorrow, he would still be the Babe Ruth of radio. Howard doesn't think so. Robin said she told Howard he should be very proud over the past year but a pained look came over his face like he didn't think so. Howard said he doesn't feel the same thing so he does feel pain because he doesn't see it the same way she does.
Artie said he can kind of identify over the way Howard acts but it's only a fraction of what he's got. He said he has to satisfy people too but not nearly as much as Howard needs to.
Gary said that he was listening to regular radio the other day and thought about how there's a whole technology that's being promoted to combat Howard Stern. He thinks that the promotion of HD radio is all about beating Howard Stern and satellite radio. Howard said he doesn't think that's the case.
Artie asked Howard about his shrink and if he's a fan of the show. Howard said the guy knows nothing about the show. Artie asked how a guy approaches fixing someone's brain like that. Howard isn't sure but he knows that he has helped him. He thinks that he is better than he was years ago.
Howard and Robin talked about the days when they were doing the channel 9 show. Howard said that was the worst time of his life because he was working so long. He said they spent hours after the radio show doing the TV show and it was the worst.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that these guys are going to upset him by talking about all of this stuff. Howard said he knows how they feel but he there are times when he just can't accept that people understand what he needs done unless he goes into detail. Robin said that he's gone into rants where he repeats himself like five times in a row. Howard said that's the way his parents treated him so that's how he does things.
Gary said he would ask Howard questions about things he was telling him to do and that would make it even worse. He said Howard would stop him and go into so much detail about the exact way he wanted him to do things. It drove him crazy.
Howard said he watched American Idol last night and noticed that Randy Jackson's weight is back. He said he had a gastric bypass surgery and his belly is as full as ever on that show. That led to them talking about Simon commenting on one of the fat people by asking if he was wearing Randy's pants. Howard said he was reading stories about kids who are getting that gastric bypass surgery done. He said that a 13 year old shouldn't be doing that, there's got to be another option. Artie said that they should go out and play stick ball for a couple of hours.
Howard said if you never address the issue of why they eat so much, that surgery isn't going to help. It's always going to return. Robin said that this guy Michael Hebranco is one of those guys who is unable to keep the weight of. Howard said these people all seem to gain the weight back somehow. Dominic Barbara had the surgery done and he's gained back a lot. Sharon Osbourne wants to try and keep the weight off after having her band removed from her stomach.
Artie said that he got into a basketball game yesterday and didn't eat all that much after that. He said he felt good this morning when he woke up too. Howard told him that he really should try eating a sensible meal all the time. Artie said he feels a million times better after that and it was just one day.
Howard said he spent some time watching TV and loved the episode of Smallville when they had the Justice League of America. Robin said that was a good episode. Howard also mentioned he watched ''Heroes'' and thought that was really good. Howard said he doesn't like the Green Arrow character in the comic books. He doesn't have any powers other than being able to shoot an arrow. Robin said she saw a trailer for the new Spider-Man movie. She said it looks really good.
Howard said he heard that Artie had a cupcake this morning. Artie said he couldn't resist it. Howard told the guys to hide those cupcakes from Artie because it'll be funny to see him go hunting for them. Artie said they're so good and moist. Howard asked him if that's like pussy for him at this point. Artie said that's nothing like pussy.
Howard said that when he sees a hot chick in a room, he concentrates on that and nothing else. Artie was saying he's the same way. That led to Howard talking about how he's not all that interested in other chicks since he's got Beth. He doesn't even have the desire to go to Scores these days.
Howard got word that the cupcakes had been hidden. Artie said that was fine because he had a pork roll and egg sandwich that he got on the way into work. He doesn't need the cupcakes. Howard said that must be a lot of calories. Artie said he had them leave the cheese off today. He said he already had one of them for breakfast but this second one is for later. Howard said he's already had a cupcake and a pork roll and egg sandwich... and he might have another. That's a lot of food. Howard thought that maybe after yesterday he was going to cut back on the food and maybe give away the sandwich to someone else.
Artie put the focus on Benjy and talked about how much salad he eats. He's eating salad but he over eats that stuff. Gary said that Benjy has been trying really hard not to eat crap food in front of them but he couldn't avoid it on the plane trip. Gary said Benjy was looking around on the plane for something to eat. There was some fruit and Benjy was eating piece after piece. Then one day at the pool Benjy and his girlfriend were eating salad and he ate his within 11 seconds. He ordered a second salad and that's why he's still at the weight he's at.
Gary asked Benjy if he thinks about food all the time. Howard said he's seen Benjy eating an industrial sized box of cereal too. It's not the food he eats but the amount of that food he eats.
Benjy said that last night he had a fruit plate from a deli. He also had two turkey burger patties, without the bun. Gary wanted him to talk about the crap he's eating that keeps him fat. Benjy said before he had that he had some nuts. He was going backwards talking about what he ate last night. All of the guys thought he was full of it and not telling them about something he ate. Benjy said he had two salads last night and they were very big.
Artie got into his bad day and talked about the crap he eats. He explained all of the junk food he ate at work and then talked about the pizza place he likes over in Hoboken. He said his driver will let him off early if they catch the light near the place. He told the guys he had a couple slices of Sicilian pizza and some root beer. Then he goes home and sleeps for a couple of hours. Then he calls the pizza place and tells them to bring up a chicken sandwich and some Hershey's chocolate bars and a Kit Kat bar. He throws those in the freezer and eats his sandwiches and meatballs.
Artie will eat the chocolate bar before bed and then in the middle of the night he'll get up and have even more. Howard figured that after all of that food it had to be in the thousands of calories just in soda. He figured it had to be at least 6,000 calories. Fred said it was more like 20,000. Robin figured it was under 10, maybe 6-8,000.
Howard asked Artie if he wants to die or something. Artie said that he really wants to live at this time but there were times in the past when he didn't care. Howard said that Beth told him she was on the web site looking at Artie's pictures talking about how bad she feels for him. She thinks that Artie is a good looking guy. He said that Artie doesn't believe that though. Artie said he knows that he's not Brad Pitt but he's also not an ogre. He said he knows he's not a horrible looking guy at all.
Artie said he knows he's got this big, wide nose but other than that he knows he's not ugly. Howard is ugly and he said he knows that. He thinks that Benjy is better looking than him. Artie said he sees himself on Comedy Central on MAD TV and sees what a good looking guy he was back then. He had a full head of hair when he was 27 years old.
Robin told Artie that maybe he could get addicted to running instead of food or drugs. it didn't sound like that was going to be happening anytime soon.
Howard read one mail where the writer said that Beet shouldn't be allowed on the show anymore if he's not going to answer questions and stuff. The caller interrupted and told Artie that he was his hero. Howard let him go and then Gary came in and said that they had audio of Lisa G trying to interview Beetlejuice after his interview. Howard said Beet took the microphone and threw it. Howard quickly played that and got a laugh when they heard Beet throw the mic. Howard said that was actually pretty scary.
Eric the Midget called in and said he wanted to tell them something. He had to take them off of speaker real quick but when he came back he sounded exactly the same. Eric said he wanted to tell them that the Johnny Fratto social club has officially beaten Jessica Hahn's thread in posts and the amount of time. Howard asked him if he's going to hold a press conference over that. Eric gave them a quick ''no.''
Eric was saying he saw Artie on TV last night on ''Idol.'' It was a huge fat chick that was on there. Artie asked him if he was too busy to say ''American Idol.'' Eric gave him another quick ''no.' That led to the guys talking about shortening names of shows and stuff and how maybe they should call Eric ''ETM'' instead of Eric the Midget.
Artie asked Eric when he was going to come in and fly with balloons. Eric said he would do it if he can go to the film festival. Howard said they haven't gotten anything set up for another film festival yet but they're supposed to be working on that.
Howard had Johnny Fratto on the phone and he was saying that they have over half a million views and some huge amount of posts in the thread that Eric was talking about. He said that's all happened in 32 days which is amazing. Johnny said that they post all kinds of stuff in there. He said that there are a couple of epidemics going on in this country. One of them is these kids who smoke pot and can't stop. The other is married women who leave their husbands for guys on the internet.
Johnny told a story about this home invasion that went on out by his house and how the helicopter that was searching for this guy was flying so low it was shaking his house. He went outside to see it and the chopper was so low that it was even with his eyes. They shined that bright light on his face and he started to stumble around the house. His girlfriend saw the chopper out there and asked him what he had done. He didn't do anything.
Howard asked Eric if he's been hitting on chicks in that thread he's been posting in. Eric said he has been doing that. Johnny said some guy offered to let Eric feel his wife's tits. Eric said he hasn't done that yet but he will probably do that. Artie asked him what his first question is for the woman... ''Do you have vision?''
Howard asked Eric if he has some security to keep him safe from the people on the web. Johnny said that he doesn't allow any bashing in that thread over there, he keeps it all positive. Johnny said that half a million views in 32 days is pretty amazing. Howard congratulated the two of them and Eric actually let out a ''thank you.'' Howard let the two of them go after that.
Artie said that another guy on that site is Bob Levy who spends all hours of the day and night posting stuff. Jessica Hahn called in and said that she hasn't been on SFN in about 3 months. She didn't know that they were in a competition. She wasn't bothered by all of that stuff though. Howard figured she was actually devastated but she was protecting herself.
JD got down on the floor and did five no problem. Howard told him to do five a day and he'd look better. He was already looking better after doing the 5. He got back to the pimple and talked about how awful that looked. Artie said that he had a zit one morning and he didn't know what people were laughing at him about until he looked into the monitor and saw a close up of the zit.
Howard asked JD if the zit was throbbing. He said it was fine. Howard heard that JD's mother got upset about him talking about her on the air. JD said she doesn't want him talking about her on the air anymore. Artie said he got jealous of JD the other day when he was thinking about how hot that Kimberly Kane chick is. Howard said the only problem is that he has to share her with 90 other guys.
Howard asked JD how many times he's actually banged that chick. JD said it was like 3 or 4. Howard said he has to know exactly how many times he's done it. He hardly gets laid so he knows exactly how many he has. JD let out a cough after that so Howard wondered what that was about. JD said he's getting over a cold but Robin said it must be some kind of hooker cough or something he caught out in Vegas. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard said Steve is almost wearing a dress when he's performing these days. Robin said that Steve's face is aging and wondered if he should still have the long hair. Howard thinks he should but Robin wasn't so sure about that. Howard went on to talk about how older women all cut their hair short and it gets all curly and they all look like men. He doesn't understand that. Howard said it's no wonder guys die before women, they're married to women who look like men. Artie said that they must have looked like women at one time so that's why they're married.
Robin said that she once saw an old man coming in a door and tripped into a woman's breasts. He looked so happy when that happened and then she looked over and saw his manly looking wife standing next to him.
Lisa G came in with her Howard 100 News preview. She said that they're going to be looking into Beetlejuice's problems and see how he's doing today. Howard told her it was funny when Beet threw her microphone yesterday. She said she was just doing her job but Howard told her she was being annoying.
Lisa said she spoke to Perez Hilton yesterday about the picture of Artie he had up on his site yesterday. She said Perez was talking about how he had a ton of pictures from the comedy festival and he picked that one of Artie because he likes him so much. Artie said he tried to find that picture on the site yesterday but he wasn't able to find it. Howard told him it might have been on page two of that site.
Lisa said they spoke to Jaime Foxx who has a new channel starting there at SIRIUS this spring. They'll have that and a lot more all day long on Howard 100 News.
Howard replayed one of his favorite phony phone calls. It was one the guys made using clips of Gilbert Dice Gottfried calling a guy by the name of Bindi. The caller plays along with the Gilbert clips not knowing that they're just recordings.
Howard said there was a video on the web recently where this kid was singing about how much he hates fags. The video was taken off of YouTube but they had audio of it. Howard played the song and said you have to hang in and hear what the guy sings about. The guy sings about what the bible says about homosexuals and eventually sings ''God hates fags'' at the top of his lungs. Howard joked that Scott DePace has that song on his iPod.
Gary came in and said that Scott DePace had a good point because you can still see Michael Richards yelling the N-word on YouTube but they took this video down. Howard said he agrees with that. The guy is just giving his opinion in the song. Robin said the song sounded like a full studio production too.
Howard said they have an exciting show today with Janice Dickinson coming in. He said Big Foot is also coming in with his girlfriend. They're going to play a game to figure out who she is out of a group of women.
Howard said he's been getting up at 2 in the morning lately and he was up reading Rolling Stone magazine this morning. They asked some rock and roll guys who their favorite bands are. They asked Anthony Keidis who his favorite band is and it's a group of young kids that call themselves the Jack Bambis. He loves them. Howard read some stuff about them and then moved on to some other things.
Howard read a story about a guy who had a vasectomy after having two kids. The woman talked him into getting the vasectomy reversed but he didn't do it. They used a sperm bank to impregnate the wife for the third time. Then they got divorced and said that since the kid wasn't his, he didn't have to pay. The courts ruled differently and said he was responsible and has to pay child support. Robin said that any child born in a marriage is considered the husband's child so that's why he gets stuck like that.
Howard asked the guys if they think it's fair. No one thought it was fair at all. Robin said that there have been stories where a guy pays child support for years and then finds out the kid isn't his biological kid but he doesn't get any of that money back.
Howard read a story about this ABC news correspondent Chris Cuomo who escaped being killed by a roadside bomb in Iraq. The bombs were being placed in dead bodies along the side of the road. He read through that story and talked about that for a short time. Howard said those guys have to be really jumpy over there with that kind of stuff going on all the time. It's no wonder our troops shoot people that they're not supposed to.
Howard played another clip where Will was talking about a comment that Robin made about how many hangers on Howard has these days. Artie took that as her going off on him, Will and Ralph after some comments they had made. Robin said that she wasn't talking about Artie, she was referring to the other guys like Will, Ralph, Jason and others. She called them the dingleberries of the show. Will came in to defend himself but Robin told him he's a piece of lint. Will said he's glad his efforts are appreciated by Robin. He's there 12 hours a day doing his job but Robin doesn't appreciate that.
Artie said Will just made it worse by coming in like that. Howard had another clip from the Wrap Up Show where Jaime Foxx dropped in to talk about his new channel there at SIRIUS. In that clip Jaime talks about how they won't be banning the N-word from his shows. After hearing the clip Artie asked if Jaime should be using better grammar, he knows the guy has to be pretty smart and thought that maybe he could speak better. Howard went around the room and asked the guys if they think he should speak better. Fred and Artie agreed that he should but Howard didn't think he should.
Howard said Benjy asked Jaime if he would be doing the straw in the ass bit on his show. Jaime had no idea what he was talking about and it brought the discussion to a grinding halt. Howard thought it was kind of funny though. He played one more clip where Jaime said he wanted Howard to come and say hi to him sometime. He also said Jon Hein loved that he had an A-List guest like that on his show yesterday.
Howard said that this is a good thing to have Jaime Foxx with his own channel because it should bring some more notice to SIRIUS. He has no idea what his channel will be like so he's not sure how it will go. Robin thinks that he's a bigger draw than even Oprah was for XM. Howard said it is important to keep signing talent to the service to keep it fresh. He said there was an article in the paper recently where they said that there's no more talent being brought in and satellite has to start tightening their belt. Howard said the company has to do that to bring in more subscribers and he thinks it's an exciting thing to give people like that their own channels.
Howard said when people read about guys like that getting their own show, they think that it must be a cool service.
Artie said that guy is probably just trying to rile people up by sending in that mail. The Howard TV guys put up some video of that whole thing and grossed Artie out again.
Robin asked how Sal is doing today. Howard wasn't sure but he wanted to hear the audio of his calls from yesterday when Sal called in sick. Gary told him he had two calls from yesterday and a call from this morning when Sal called in again. Sal left a message yesterday from the train station when he was on his way in and feeling nauseous. Then he calls in from Penn Station where he was puking. He also shit his pants when he farted.
Howard played another clip from the Wrap Up Show where Gary and the guys tried calling Sal but his wife ended up picking up. She told Gary that Sal had been throwing up and she had him quarantined in her son's room. She said she had him locked in her son's room and no one was taking care of him. Gary told her that Sal had some accidents on his way home and she had no idea.
Howard said it sounds like Sal's wife hates him. She wouldn't even take care of him. Artie said he would love a wife like that because she does keep a clean house.
Howard played this morning's clip where Sal says that he wouldn't wish this shit on his worst enemy. Howard said he would do that. Sal isn't in again this morning of course.
Howard had the guys bring in Big Foot Mark who was there with his girlfriend. Robin said she saw his girlfriend accidentally earlier. Gary came in and said they had the door shut but Big Foot had to go to the bathroom so they opened it up. Big Foot said he had to go fix his hair.
Big Foot started talking about this band he has and Artie started to laugh immediately after Big Foot threw in his first ''it is'' as he was describing what he does in his life... it is. Howard wondered how he managed to get a girlfriend. Big Foot was describing his life as being kind of like ''abacco'' but he was trying to say tobacco.
Big Foot said he transports people around for a living. Howard couldn't figure out what he was talking about so Big Foot said he's an undercover taxi driver. He doesn't have a license to do that so he has to keep it quiet. Big Foot said if you take the money in like that, he doesn't have to pay any taxes on it. Everyone stopped talking and Howard let out an Uh Oh! when he heard that tax talk. They told him he may want to talk to Crazy Cabbie about that.
Howard asked Big Foot about this CD he has out. Big Foot described one of his songs called ''Breaking My Heart... it is'' so Howard asked him if he's written any songs about the gay stuff he's been into. Big Foot said he'd rather not write about that nasty stuff he was involved with... it is.
Howard asked Big Foot if he's written anything about blowing guys. Big Foot said most of the songs are about transporting people around and also some love songs. He was going to sing a song about his white Cadillac. He said his friend Kenny Sawyer wrote the song. Kenny was in the studio so Howard asked the guys to give him a mic so he could speak. Kenny said his friend Mel called him and asked him to help write some songs for him. Big Foot claimed that he wrote the lyrics while Kenny wrote the notes.
Howard went around the room and spoke to each of the guys who were in there with Big Foot. They all know him pretty well and one of the guys told a story about Big Foot going to court one time and telling the judge he was upset with this man because he had ''stolen his dope it is.'' Big Foot said he'll tell a judge anything and he doesn't have a problem talking about that stuff. The guys were also talking about how Big Foot had gotten laid in the hotel room last night. Big Foot said he recorded it for Howard too. Howard liked hearing that. Will told him to hold onto the tape until after they play the girlfriend game.
Howard talked to the guys about how the whole sex thing went. They were all saying that they were hoping it would come to an end pretty quickly. Howard had the guys perform the song a short time later. The guitar player started playing and Big Foot started singing. As soon as he sang his first line, Artie was laughing hysterically. He couldn't stop laughing through the whole song. Big Foot forgot some of the lyrics and kind of spaced out.
Howard said they have another song called ''Here's My Story It Is.'' Howard asked Big Foot why he says ''it is'' after everything he says. Big Foot said that it's a speech impediment he has and he's been saying it for a long time. The guys sang their song but Howard was hearing the other guy more than Big Foot. Howard stopped them and asked Big Foot to sing louder. Big Foot tried it again but he didn't seem to know the song very well. Howard stopped them again and asked Big Foot if he wanted to be reminded about the words.
Artie asked Big Foot if he can read. Big Foot said he can't and they know that. Gary said he looked at him like he wanted to kill him so he pointed out he wasn't the one who said it. Big Foot tried the song again but he needed the other guy to sing along with him. Howard had to put a stop to it a short time later because it was such a bust.
Howard said he had to stop this... it is, it is. The lyrics to the song included ''it is'' quite a bit. Artie said that the only thing musical on Big Foot was the El DeBarge jacket he was wearing. Big Foot had no idea what he was talking about.
Howard asked Big Foot to give that song a try one more time. He tried it but it just wasn't happening. Howard said it was time to meet his girlfriend. Big Foot was kind of upset that he couldn't get the song right because he wanted it to go well. He asked if they could do the White Cadillac song again. Artie told him that maybe he should try Billy Joel's song ''We Didn't Start The Fire.'' That wasn't going to happen.
Howard asked Big Foot if he was upset about something. Big Foot said people have been bothering him about the money he won in the football pool. That led to the guys asking him if his girlfriend came into his life after he won that money. He said she didn't but he's only been dating her for about 2 weeks now. He said he didn't get the money yet so she didn't come to him for the money.
Big Foot asked to play the song again and demanded that the guys get it right this time. Howard pointed out that maybe it was Big Foot's fault it didn't go right. He said that they didn't want to rehearse before the show today so he was blaming them. The guys in the band were saying that they've been trying to help Big Foot out with this stuff. He's got people coming after him for that money he won even though it's only about 8 grand.
Howard asked the guys to just do a song real quick. Big Foot wanted to sing his White Cadillac song once again. They went into the song again and Artie started laughing hysterically again. Big Foot forgot the words again so they had to stop. Gary asked whose fault that was. Big Foot said he needed the guy to sing along with him so he could pick up on the words. He said he thought they were going to work with him, not against him.
Robin asked Big Foot how he's going to go on tour like this. Big Foot said he might have to get rid of these guys and get someone else to perform with him. He said he wrote the song but he had some help when he was doing it. These guys were supposed to be his backup. Howard asked Big Foot to sing a simpler song or something. Artie suggested Happy Birthday.
The guys tried one more time but we heard more of the guitar player's voice than Big Foot's. Howard told them they had done a good job after that. Robin said that maybe it was the happy smoke he had before the show that didn't help things out. Howard told Big Foot that this dog in the band Caninus actually remembers it's words better than he does. Howard decided to let Big Foot go for a little while. He had Janice Dickinson to get to. He said they'll bring them back after her visit.
Howard gave Big Foot a plug for his band which is called The Real Big Foot Band. Big Foot didn't remember the name of the band. Howard was going to play some of the CD before they go to break so he can get a little taste of that. He played a short clip but it didn't sound much different than what he had just done live. Howard let the guys go a short time later and went to break.
Howard told Janice to strip down for him. She didn't do it but tried to show off her body. Artie was saying that her lipstick tasted good. Howard told her that she was looking good today. He asked if she got pulled back a little more. She asked Howard how his penis is. She also told him that he looks good and money suits him very well. Janice also told Robin that she was looking good today.
Janice said that she's actually going into her third season of her TV show. She's in the red with her agency right now but she's hoping that changes. She said she's trying to balance the business with the TV show. Howard asked her how much work her models have gotten. She said that one of her guys, JP, had come out of the closet on her show and he just got a big contract so she gets a piece of that. She's also got three models going to Asia for $35,000 each so she gets some of that. She's got a few others who are getting work as well.
Howard read that Janice wasn't getting much money for the TV show. She said it's very small but she can't really say how much it is. She said that once the show wraps, she has to go out and do shows like Howard's where she doesn't get paid. She said she is getting laid though. Howard asked her if she's got a new boyfriend. She would only say that she's getting laid.
Howard said that Janice has had sex with over 1000 guys and he's surprised that she's so uptight about talking about it. She did talk a little bit about Mick Jagger and his small penis. She said she was surprised at how small it actually was.
Howard asked Janice about hanging out with John Belushi. She said that she did coke with that guy. Artie said that it's so hot that she used to do that stuff. Janice said that there was a lot of blow back in the 70s. Howard told her that's because she was hot back then and people wanted to be around her, that's why she always had the blow.
Janice talked more about Belushi and how much she misses him. She said that a lot of the guys she used to hang out with are dead now. She talked about banging Jack Nicholson and Warren Beatty when they still had hair. They were her idols and she got to sleep with them. Janice said that Jack Nicholson told her not to tell anyone that she had ''star cum'' inside of her after having sex. She said that's the way guys treated her.
Howard asked Janice if she thinks that she's got something missing from her life and that maybe she's hurting inside. Janice just laughed when she heard that. She said she didn't want that kind of attachment when she was with guys and didn't want to stay with the guys she was sleeping with.
Howard asked Janice what made a good lover. She said that a guy who has energy, that means a lot. She said there was a lot of oral, anal and slime going on. She said she has tried anal and liked it with some guys. She said she doesn't like it to be done in an aggressive way though.
Janice told Howard that Sylvester Stallone hated Howard back in the day. She said that he would go nuts when he'd hear the show. He hated that she loved the show. She was living with him at the time and went into an impression of him. She said that he wanted to marry her but she didn't want that. She didn't want to sleep with other women with him. Janice said that he wanted her to put all kinds of toys into her and she wasn't into that stuff.
Janice said that Sylvester had hair plugs and they would fall out on the floor of the shower. Howard asked her why she would do the butt plug thing with Sly back then. She said she thought she might like it so she gave it a try. They talked about Sylvester and how he wasn't very generous with his money according to Janice.
Howard said it must be tough for a man to go out with her because she's very talkative and very opinionated. She took offense to that. Howard then asked her if she still gets high these days. She said she's not doing coke but did admit that Ecstasy is great.
Howard gave Janice a plug for her TV show DVD that's coming out soon. He checked out the cover of the DVD and didn't realize it was her on the cover. She said that he must be blind. She said it was good lighting and the ability to pose correctly. Howard asked about Carol Alt and if she was as big as Janice. Janice said that carol was never as big as her and the only reason people know her is because she was in his movie ''Private Parts.''
Janice doesn't like Christy Brinkley either so Howard asked her about that. Janice said they used to be close friends and she would help her out with her posing and stuff. She said that Christy moved in with her boyfriend the day after she moved out.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that it was too bad that Tyra Banks said something bad about her in the paper the other day. She was bad mouthing her about starting her own show after being on her modeling show. Janice went into a whole explanation about what went on there but Howard cut her off.
Ralph called in and said he really likes Janice on the show unlike Jon Hein. Howard had Jon come in and explain himself. Jon told Janice that when she comes on the show she puts on this persona and acts fake when she should just be herself. Jon said that she's being real today but she didn't want to hear it. She asked Jon to sit down so she could talk to him. She ended up throwing something at Jon after that.
Jon said that she was bragging about how great her body is but when Howard asked her to get naked, she refused. He said she should have just done it. Janice was all over the place and said she ran into Artie at Dean and Deluca one day and saw Artie signing autographs. She said he was very cool about that but she didn't want to bother him there.
Ralph asked Janice if she likes to get her salad tossed. She said that she has had that done. She said that she's also been with some women. Howard asked her if she's ever had a bad ass with someone like Jack Nicholson or Warren Beatty. She didn't remember if she had done that kind of thing to either of them.
Ralph was still talking about Janice's show and how good it is but when he said something negative about one of the girls, she went off on him. Captain Janks called in doing his female voice and said she had just sold Janice some Oxycontin this morning. Howard went through a bunch of other phone calls and when Mariann from Brooklyn called in, Janice told her to get voice lessons.
Richard came in and asked Janice how her plastic surgery. She said that she's looking to have a penile implant and wouldn't answer seriously. Howard also asked her if she's slept with anyone famous lately. She said that she had an A-list celebrity this weekend but then knocked him down to B-list. She did swear on her kids lives that she had done a famous guy though.
Artie and Howard both said they weren't sure they could sleep with Janice. That upset her and she almost walked out of the studio. Howard said that she scares him and he wouldn't want her talking shit about him on shows like she does with these other guys.
Janice took her top off but kept her bra on so Howard told Artie to go feel her up. She pulled back the second time he went in for a feel. Howard told Artie he should go out with her because she does seem to be into him. Ralph called back in a short time later and got Janice talking about Mick Jagger again. She was saying that Mick used to date both men and women. Howard didn't want to get anyone in trouble so he asked her to take Keith Richard's name out of that conversation.
Howard spent a little more time trying to get Janice to show him her boobs or her ass but she refused. She said that he's not paying her to do that so she's not going to strip for him. Howard let her go a short time later after giving her a plug for her DVD release ''The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency - Season 1'' and for the show which is still airing on the Oxygen network. He went to break a short time later.
Artie was kind of upset that he didn't have his 10 o'clock cupcake to eat and he was mad at Howard for having the guys hiding them on him. Howard said he was wondering if he should give them up or keep them from Artie. He said he was going to get them for him.
Howard asked Artie if he's been talking to Dana at all lately. He said he did talk to her about Jim Florentine's girlfriend dying. He said she told him that she had gone down to Palm Springs but he didn't want to find out any of the details. Right around that time the guys came walking in with the cupcakes. Benjy then told Artie that one of the cupcakes had something done to it but he quickly admitted that he was just fucking with Artie. Artie heard that and passed on the cupcakes.
Gary told Artie that Benjy was really just fucking with him but it was already ruined for him. Gary ate one to prove that nothing was done to it. Will said it was Gary's second cupcake but Gary said it was actually his third... but he doesn't eat the whole thing, he only eats the top and throws out the bottom. Artie decided to take one.
Howard got back to the Artie story about him getting canceled from the radio station out there. Artie said that's kind of like fucking with his career when they do shit like that. They spent a short time on that before Beetlejuice's manager's wife called in.
Michelle said that the show has been so good to them and she really appreciates that. Howard thanked her for the call and let her go a short time later. He thought he heard her saying that Beetle was at the dentist today but that couldn't have been right. Gary told him that's exactly what she said.
Howard said they were going to play this game with Big Foot's girlfriend. They're going to have a few women come in and then they have to try and pick her out of the group. Big Foot said that he's been dating this girl for a couple of weeks now. He said he rocked her world when he banged her for 2 hours one night. She wanted to marry him after that.
Howard said hello to the first woman who came in. She said her first name was Debbie. She said she didn't remember how she met Big Foot but she did know that he was a great guy and he's like a big puppy. She said she was married for a while so this wasn't her first guy. She said that he will even eat her out when she's on her period so that's one reason that he rocked her world. She said he's very nice and not mean.
Next up was Charlotte who said that she met Big Foot outside somewhere. Howard had to try and pull the story out of her. She was having some trouble speaking. She said that on the way there she had a good time with Big Foot. She said they didn't have a lot of room in there but they did have a good time.
Howard asked the next woman, Lori, how she met Big Foot. She said she as at a bar one night and met him. She said they've been together ever since then. She said she really loves this Big Foot. She said he's big in the pants and even his fingers are almost too big for her.
Howard said he was ready to pick the woman out of the line up. He said it had to be number 1. He thought she was madly in love with the guy from what he could tell. Artie went with number 3 and Fred went with number 2. Howard asked Gary who the real one was. Number 3 stepped forward and surprised Howard. Gary said that the other two were actors and they had Howard fooled. Howard spent a short time talking to the other two women before getting to Lori. They got in a plug for a show they're doing.
Howard got to Lori who says that she's really not into Big Foot for his money or anything like that. She said she did meet him at a bar like she had described before. She also talked about how he's too big for her and it took some work for him to get inside her. She said he needs to work on that with her. She said they need to work on being more compatible because she hasn't been satisfied yet. He finishes very quickly according to Lori.
Lori said that she lets Big Foot go in bare back but she's had her tubes tied. She said she's already had three kids and doesn't want anymore. She told Howard that she would like to come on the show all decked out sometime. She did show him her boobs and Howard said they weren't bad. Big Foot said she's not shy at all.
Big Foot was saying that Lori has some psychic powers and warned him about something that was going to happen at the studio one time. It actually came true according to Big Foot. Lori said that there are a lot of people who are out to get his money but Howard was wondering why they're after such a small amount of money.
Howard took a call from a guy who wanted to know more about Big Foot's girlfriend. Howard had Big Foot describe her but he was talking about what a nice person she was instead of talking about what she looks like. Howard had him describe her looks and then she stripped down and showed off her body to the guys.
The caller also asked Lori what position she likes the best. She said she likes him on top but actually loves doing it in any position. She said that he's very big and she's very tight so he's done as soon as he sticks his head in there.
Howard said he had audio of the two of them having sex last night so he asked if they could play it. Lori said she didn't know they were going to tape it, otherwise she would have acted it up a bit. Howard liked it being ''real'' and told her not to worry about that. She told Howard that Big Foot is actually very good at giving oral. Howard played the clip and Lori said that he must have been eating her out because of the way she was moaning. She sounded like she was really into it. Howard asked her if she wanted to sit on the Sybian and try that out. She didn't know what it was so Howard told her it might give her an orgasm. She decided to give it a try and went right over.
Lori hopped on the Sybian but she kept her panties on. She said she needs some pantyhose but they didn't have any for her. She changed her mind after saying that her legs were all bruised up. She said she would do it next time if they let her come back on the show. She said her previous boyfriend beat and abused her so that's why she's got the marks on her. Howard said that was fair enough and they could wait for that. He wrapped up with the two of them and asked Lori to let them know what Big Foot's semen tastes like. She said it's sweet and not fishy tasting. She said she doesn't swallow though. Howard got grossed out by that and threatened to cancel his own subscription to SIRIUS after hearing that.
Richie Wilson from Howard TV wanted to see the two of them make out because he found it hard to believe they were together. They made out a little and Howard said ''Throw up I did..'' after that. He gave Big Foot a plug for the CD he's selling and how people can buy it by calling (802) 399-8066. Howard let them go after that and went to break.
Steve brought up Artie's name being mentioned in the NY Times crossword puzzle and how it means he's become mainstream. Steve mentioned a story they're doing about Joey Boots flying down to Florida to be part of Bubba's show in his fight ring.
Jon Hein quickly went through The Wrap Up Show preview and mentioned the stuff he had coming up on that show today. Steve the Intern also came in with a preview of The Intern Show which airs tonight at 7 on Howard 101. They've got a bunch of things planned for their show. Howard had Robin get into her news right after that.
Howard had Artie open up the bagel to show him how much butter was actually on it. He said it was drenched when he saw it. Artie reminded Howard he wanted to talk about something with Robin. Howard then went into that story which was about Stuttering John and how he's been doing this little salute with Jay Leno on the Tonight Show. He said he's apparently gone through three different things with Jay. One of them was a salute, then he did a salute and now he holds up a coffee cup to him. Howard wondered if it's up to John to do that or if someone tells him what to do. Artie said he can picture some network executive telling him to do that stuff.
Will came in and said that John told him that he's been brainstorming with those ideas. He said he hasn't spoken to him in about a month since he started the mug lift. John did an impression of him and said something about how he tried the mug lift in restaurants first.
Artie said he doesn't watch Leno that much anymore, he'd rather watch Letterman. He said he would try to watch John in the beginning but he doesn't get to see it that much anymore.
Robin got back to her news and went through a bunch of stories. Fred was on fire with his sound effects today. While Robin was talking about how former New Jersey Governor McGreevy's wife was coming out with a book, he threw in Crazy Alice's ''Ariva Derci cocksucker'' clip and many other things like that during the news. Robin finished up and Howard ended the show around 11:25am.
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Howard started off the show talking about SIRIUS' slogan of ''The best radio on radio'' which he found to be kind of lame. He also mentioned that Artie is out sick today and he's claiming he has Sal's stomach virus and that he's not on heroin. Robin laughed and said anything is possible.
Howard said Sal wasn't going to be there but then he came walking into the studio a few seconds later so Howard told him to get out. Sal claimed he was fine today but Howard didn't want to be anywhere near him so he didn't allow him in there.
Howard said Joe Francis of Girls Gone Wild fame, has something to do with the tapes. Gary said that Joe was apparently the one who was taping. Gary said Joe will be around next week to talk about it if they want. He said it sounds like Joe may have been in the tapes. Gary said he saw one shot of Paris topless and Joe standing next to her so he is in the tapes.
Howard said Paris excites him for some reason. There's something about her that he's really into. He must not be alone because there are a lot of guys who are into her. He wasn't sure she'd do him if he got a hold of her. Robin told him ''Why not?''
Howard read some news about the upcoming Super Bowl ads that are going to be running. Kevin Federline is in one of them and he's apparently not done being a star. There's a bit of an uproar about the ad because of the way they portray fast food workers.
Robin was saying that she saw a truck that they use for picking up portable toilets and their slogan was ''We're number 1 at picking up number 2.'' She wondered what Howard thinks about that. Howard said he doesn't have anything against people who have shitty jobs like that. He didn't have a problem with fast food workers or with a job picking up toilets.
Howard went through a bunch of jobs that people work hard at that he respects. Robin said that a guy who flips burgers isn't drawing in a lot of women. Howard said he's had some loser jobs and still get chicks. Robin said the only guy who doesn't get chicks is a guy who is staying in a job like that.
Howard said he had someone talking to him about their kid working in a ''loser job'' and he wondered what that means. He wondered if the parents wanted him to be an astronaut or something like that instead of working in some incense store. Howard said women do like men with money though.
Howard got back to the Super Bowl thing and talked about how Mel Karmazin helped bring that all together in the past. Robin said she heard a story about Mel kicking someone out of his office by putting his head down and asking them to leave before he picked his head up.
The guys brought up this Hawaiian Tropic restaurant that's open in the city. Howard said he never wanted to mix hot chicks and food and doesn't understand why anyone would want to do that. Richard Christy came in and said he's been there and the chicks are pretty hot there. He said they're pretty nice over there and the food is okay. He said they're really nice but he knows that they're just doing their job.
Benjy said you can actually see the chicks there through the window. It's at 49th and 7th so he stops there often on his way home. Richard said he's done that. As he was talking Howard complained about Richard's grammar and said that it's screwing up his grammar as well. He's starting to talk like Richard.
Richard said he went to that restaurant with Tim Sabean so Howard ended up talking about how Tim wanted to have a meeting with him today. He said Tim has all kinds of ideas for the channels and he's always talking about getting money for Bubba. Howard said they try to come up with ideas about how to get money for Bubba. Howard also has an In Demand meeting today. He said Tim is going to have to try and get time with him after that.
Howard said he would like to have a 10 minute meeting instead of stretching everything out. He said there tends to be a lot of time wasted in these meetings he has. He'd like to keep it to 10 minutes so he asks the guys not to joke around and bullshit. He said that drives his agent nuts because his agent drags out the meetings.
Howard said that one of the guys there gave him a script to read but he feels bad because he hasn't gotten to it yet. He said he wants to read it because he likes the guy. He'd rather have someone make the movie so he could just watch it instead. He said he hates reading and can't bring himself to read this script. He said he tried reading about a year ago but he got so bored doing it that he gave up.
Howard asked the guy who wrote the script to come in and disclose who it was. He said he wasn't sure why he wasn't saying who it was. Gary said that the person who wrote it wasn't there today. He said he was pretty sure who he was talking about but the guy wasn't there. Howard said Doug Goodstein once wrote a script for him and he didn't want to have anything to do with it.
Scott DePace came in and told Howard about that show idea Goodstein told him about and how it got thrown out after FOX came out with a similar show. Howard said he was thinking about Scott and asked him if he could vote for a gay president. Scott said he could do that if his views didn't get in the way of his job. Howard said the guy couldn't be very flamboyant then.
Howard talked about how Scott can't listen to Elton John songs because when he found out he was gay, he couldn't deal with it. Scott thought Howard had changed his views about ''Seinfeld'' after the whole Michael Richards thing and that was the same. Scott said he was listening to Queen's ''Another One Bites The Dust'' and when he heard the moan in that song he got creeped out. Howard said Scott gets a lot of negative e-mail. He wanted to read through that but Fred was playing the Queen song so he asked him to turn that off.
Howard read through some of the mail he's gotten about DePace. Some people hate when he comes in the studio and don't want to hear him on the air. Scott thinks that's because he doesn't get a chance to explain himself. Howard seemed to think that was bullshit. He talked to Scott about the opinions he has on the way Scott views gays and the way he thinks they should be treated.
Howard said that he forms his own opinions and doesn't want to see gays treated differently because they're gay. He said Scott accuses him of getting his opinions from the NY Times but that's just not true. Scott said that he gets his views about the President from the newspaper. Howard said he looks down deep in his heart and thinks about this stuff. He said that's where he gets his views on abortion and how women are smart enough to make that decision on their own and should be allowed to keep that right to have one if they feel they need to.
Scott and Howard went back and forth on the abortion thing. Scott said that it seems like a straight cut issue to Howard but it's really not. Scott said that when the pregnancy is 3 months in, there is a kid in there and you can't have an abortion at that point. Howard said he wouldn't care if the kid was 2 years old.
Howard also talked to Scott about some of the other things Bush has done but when Scott argued with him, he told him to get out of the studio. Scott said he doesn't want to hear the other side of the story. Howard said he's heard the other side enough from him.
Scott asked Howard if the Iraq war would have been worth it if they had found weapons of mass destruction. Howard said yes to that but he also said that he thinks the President knew there were no weapons there and he lied to all of us. He said he thinks he was trying to impress his father by taking out Hussein. Scott and Howard continued to argue about the war and what's been going on over in the Middle East. Howard said that it's been a futile effort in Iraq and they took out a guy who was actually against the Taliban.
Howard told Scott he could leave now. Scott said he can't wait for tomorrow's e-mail after this whole thing. Scott was talking about some of the shows he listens to and watches during that day so Howard ended up playing a clip from Rush Limbaugh's show where he called Halle Berry a ''Halfrican American'' because she's half white. Howard goofed on Rush about that for a short time. He wondered what the point was in calling her a ''halfrican'' like that.
Howard said Rush is trying to be funny in that clip but he has no point when he does that. Robin said it's racist. She said their ethnicity has nothing to do with anything and there was no reason to bring that up. Howard said you have to guess what that guy is talking about on that show. He tried to kick Scott out of the studio again but he stuck around to argue with Robin and Howard about the Rush clip. Howard played a song parody they had about Scott being a ''balding director.'' They played that and then Robin said Scott just admitted to listening and watching about 8 hours of programming during his day. He said he doesn't listen to every minute of that stuff, it's just the things he listens to throughout his day.
Howard told Isaac that he read the first three pages of his script. That's as far as he could get. Howard said he has this guy he used to have read scripts for him. Isaac said that guy read it and gave him some notes so he worked on it a little bit. That was about 2 years ago though. Howard said if that guy didn't like it then he doesn't need to read it himself. Isaac said that was 2 years ago and it's changed since then.
Howard said that the script had a lot of dialog in it and it may have been a little too much. Isaac said it is a movie and not a silent one. Howard asked him if he would act it out for him because that might keep him interested. Isaac said he wrote a synopsis of the script for him but Howard said he must have thrown it out. Isaac described his movie as being ''Better off Dead'' meets ''Swingers.''
Howard apologized to Isaac for not reading the script. Isaac said he knows he's busy. Howard said he's not busy, he's just an asshole for not reading it. He said he's got so many things he does in his spare time that he could pass on. He plays chess, watches TV and stuff like that. He has no desire to read. Howard told Isaac that he has to compete with him having sex with Beth. That's what he did last night. He said sex with Beth is always going to win out over a script. He said he could put his penis inside Beth or read a script that's a cross between those two movies he mentioned.
Howard said the script is probably good and he'll be kicking himself in the ass some day for not reading it. He said his daughter Debra reads all the time and loves reading. She tells him about these great books and he thinks he'd really like reading them. He said that she told him about this book ''The Human Stain'' that he has on his list of books he should read. He just can't bring himself to actually read it.
Howard said he had an audio book about chess that he wanted to go through but he ended up falling asleep listening to it. He said he only got through part of that before he got bored. He said the book on tape actually turned out to be a great sleep aid.
Howard said he's started snoring lately and he's actually woken himself up with that. He said he's turned into his dad. He said his mother complains about his father's snoring. He said he suggested that they get separate bedrooms. He said they were also trying to sleep head to toe in the bed but that wasn't working either. He said that's not going to be any less noisy.
Howard said he doesn't know what he's going to do about reading Isaac's script. He said he just doesn't know how people do it. He said his reading comprehension is really low and he just doesn't care about the characters. He said he just wants to get laid.
Howard said he will really put some effort into reading this thing. He knows that Isaac has probably put years into it and he's never asked him to do anything before. He said he could read it in the limo on his way to Long Island. He said he purposely brought it with him one time and still didn't bother reading it. He said he ended up staring out the window and talking on the phone instead.
Isaac said that people should check out Howard TV. That got Howard talking about the stuff they have up now and how the Richard and Benjy straw blowing stunt is up now. He said it's unbelievably funny. Isaac said there's also some good shows like the Sybian special they just put up. It's very in depth about the creation of the Sybian. Howard and Isaac talked about that and about the Weekend at Scores with Ronnie. They also have the Beetlejuice ''Who Me Retrospective'' show. Howard said the ass straw stunt is going to be a legendary piece of tape. He said he stands by their work even though people wrote in and threatened to cancel their subscriptions.
Howard asked Benjy how he feels after that whole straw thing. Benjy said he's disgusted and proud. He spent some time talking about how gross it was. Richard told Howard that he ran out of toilet paper yesterday and had to use a dirty sock to wipe himself. He said he took that down to the garbage after doing that. Howard said that's the worst part of being a garbage man. Richard said he had to use different parts of the sock when he did that.
Richard said he hasn't showered since taking that dump. Howard was grossed out by that. He figured Richard's hand was all stinky after that. Richard said he had to wash his hands for a while after that. Howard said Richard is just disgusting.
Robin said she rode up in the elevator today with Richard. She didn't know that all of that had gone down. Howard told Isaac that he was going to get to his script one of these days soon. Gary said that he would read it if Howard didn't want to. Howard told Isaac to give Gary a copy.
Jessica Hahn called in and said that she's not able to get the show on the internet. She has a blackout where she's at and the interns told her that they can't put her on hold because of the line she called in on. Will came in and said that Jessica has been bitching out everyone there over the whole thing. Will said that he can't put her on hold. Will said he listens to these assholes every day and he can't deal with them. He said Jessica was being a bitch on the phone and cursed her out. Jessica started crying when he yelled at her.
Jessica said that Johnny Fratto was bad mouthing her as well because Howard treated her so nice on the phone and didn't treat him so nice. He was calling her a whore and a slut and stuff like that. Jessica said Shuli called her about the thread they have on SFN and she doesn't even care about that stuff. She was crying and saying that she was being treated like crap.
Jessica said that she only cares about the show and the people on the show, she doesn't care about a thread on SFN. She apologized to Will for everything and said she's not a mean person. Will told her she could listen later when the show repeats. Her power was out and she wasn't able to listen to the show live. Howard said he'd put her on hold but she didn't even want that. He let her go a short time later.
Robin said that he show is very important to some people. Howard siad Will could have called Jessica back and put her on hold on a different line. He had to go to break after that.
Howard said Artie isn't going to want to wake up and do that kind of stuff every day. Robin said he doesn't know what's going on with Artie because he was talking about buying a house when he was with Dana.
Howard got some feedback about Gary Garver as well. He said that people liked what he did in the interviews he played the other day. Howard had some audio to play from some of those interviews he played the other day. He played some of the interview he did with Joe Pesci for those people who didn't hear it. Pesci stuck around and answered Garver's questions without a problem.
Howard played through that interview and said that Joe was really good in Goodfellas. He said that may have been on eof the best performances in a movie... ever. He said when you see him in that movie you want to see him back on screen. He said they should keep making sequels to that movie and just keep it going forever. Robin said that would be a bad idea, it would turn into a bunch of bad movies like Godfather 3 did. Howard said he wouldn't even care, he loved Pesci's character so much it wouldn't matter. Fred played a clip from Goodfellas with Pesci in it
Howard said he likes the part in the movie where a guy comes over and asks Pesci to pay his bill and he gets whacked over the head.
Robin asked Howard to play some of Big Foot's CD so they could hear more of that. Howard said he told Artie to bring that guy on tour with him because it would be pretty great. Gary had taken down the Big Foot songs from the computer. That led to Howard going off on him and then pretending he was doing his Pesci impression and just jerking him around like Pesci did in Goodfellas.
Howard said Johnny Fratto is upset about something so they have to play the message he left for Gary. He had to play some of the Big Foot stuff first though. He played the audio of Big Foot and his girlfriend having sex. Howard said he's apparently good at licking her but not at intercourse. Robin sounded disgusted by the whole thing and how we're just animals. Howard wondered what Big Foot's breath smelled like after that oral sex thing.
Howard played some of the Big Foot CD. He had a couple of tracks that he went through. He said he might have to go through all of them. He's even got one song called ''Sirius Radio.'' There were a couple of others that Howard played through. Big Foot sang about how he thinks that weed should be free for everyone. There was also the song about his white Cadillac that he sang live on the show yesterday. Howard likes how the guys try to make it musical.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he loved that part of the show yesterday and had to listen to the replays all day just to hear that part. He also suggested that they have Big Foot do his own music show. Howard said maybe he could do that because he had offered Robert Smigel something similar. He said Bob wasn't able to do it so they could set Big Foot up to do it instead.
The caller asked if he could win the trip to Vegas that they were going to give away. Howard said he could have one but then found out that it wasn't a trip, it was just tickets to the show Artie is doing out there. Howard told the guy it wasn't a trip and the guy wasn't able to take them because he'd have to pay for it himself.
KC also complained that he was left on hold when Jessica Hahn called in because he thinks that she's a cunt and he wanted to go off on her. Howard wondered what KC is up to these days. KC said that he's got some knee pads and he's been giving blow jobs to make money. Fred played one of the KC song parodies they've had for years.
Gary said that he's heard that KC has these chicks who put him up in houses and take care of him. He's kind of like a hot chick like that because women will take care of him. Howard said he had a friend like that one time and the guy would have chicks putting him up for free in their houses. Gary said that KC gets some rally hot chicks too.
Howard asked KC where he's living now. He said he's been in Newport Beach for about a year now and he's living with his girlfriend.
Jessica Hahn was back on the phone so Howard put her on. She was on hold listening to the show so Howard picked up and let KC go off on her. KC was calling her names and calling her a liar. Jessica started to cry again and said that it wasn't her, it was her friend Laurie who did that stuff. She said she didn't know anything about the story until after she called.
KC said that was bullshit and she called him and apologized to him for what she did. Jessica was in tears and Howard didn't understand why everyone was coming down on her. Jessica said she's sick of all of this stuff. KC said that all Jessica has to do is apologize to him and he'd be fine. KC said he forgives her now if she's apologizing. He said he'd like to get another hand job from her. Howard said he'd love it if he got a hand job from her.
Howard asked Jessica if she gave him a hand job or not. Jessica said she wasn't going to say a word. KC said he likes her again after hearing that. Howard said that sometimes ladies don't like to talk about what they've done. KC continued to talk about the ''Hahn job'' he got from her and she didn't sound too happy about that. She said that she doesn't talk to Laurie anymore because of everything that went down. Howard put her on hold and got back to KC.
Howard wanted to know how KC makes a living now. KC said he's on a comedy tour doing comedy shows. He's also got TV show that people can get on their phones. Howard said Booker is doing that too and he gets paid well to do it. KC said he'd getting paid well for his thing too. KC said he does stunts with people in his show and in one show recently he had a guy drinking his dip spit. He said he pays people to do these stunts.
Howard gave KC a plug for the stuff he's got coming up and for the Ampd Mobile TV show he does. He was going to let him go but KC had some ideas to pitch to him. Howard let him go through that list of stuff. KC said he has a guy who claims to have the foreskin of JFK. There's another guy who does some wacky stuff that Howard might be interested in. He's got another guy who gave his girlfriend anal and she ended up vomiting. There's another guy who can jerk off 16 times in one day. Howard wasn't interested in that.
Howard let KC go and he gave a shout out to his buddy Jim Florentine who is going through some tough times. Howard let him go a short time after that. Jessica was back on the phone so Howard told her not to let that stuff bother he. Howard said he knows that stuff isn't true and she didn't give KC a hand job. Robin wondered why she's like a lighting rod for all of this stuff.
Gary said that Johnny is very excited about this thread that he was talking about yesterday. Howard said he's not looking to piss anyone off and he doesn't even know Johnny that well. He said that they don't know anything about the Superfan Roudntable and flying people out to California.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Jessica Hahn has been calling all over the place and talking to other radio people. She called into the Art Bell show earlier this morning. Howard got Jessica back on the line and said that she never talks to other people like that. She did it for like 2 seconds and that was it.
Howard was going to go to break but Gary said they had something going on with one of the Penthouse Pets they had coming in. One of the girls is sick with the flu and he wasn't sure if Howard wanted her in there if she's sick. Howard said he might have to check her out first to figure out if she's hot enough to have in there sick.
Gary said that Sal has some stories to tell about the morning he was shitting and puking in the train station. Howard saw this hot Penthouse chick out in the green room so he talked to her on camera. Howard said he doesn't want to get sick but he might have to have her in there. Neveah (Heaven spelled backwards) said that she really wants to see him but doesn't want to get him sick either. Gary told him to just have her in there. Howard asked her if they could wrap her in plastic so she doesn't breath on him. Neveah said that would be fine.
Howard asked her if she's into girls. Neveah said she is so Howard asked her if she would get it on with the chick behind her. The two of them said that they might get into that. Howard wasn't sure if he wanted the sick one to come in or not. Howard said she's super hot and must get hit on every minute. Neveah said that's true and both guys and girls hit on her. She wasn't wearing a bra and said she had some tiny underpants on. Howard said she's kind of Paris Hilton looking but much cuter.
Howard said that he would bang this chick even if she had leprosy. He checked out her body and asked if she ever does any stripping. Neveah said she does do that at Deja Vu in Illinois. Howard said that's insane and asked how much a lap dance costs. Neveah said it's $25. Gary asked her why she doesn't move to Vegas an do it there instead. She said she doesn't want to go to Vegas. Howard asked her if she would ever give a guy a hand job at work. Neveah said she might give the guy a little rub but that's it. She doesn't pull it out.
Howard was checking out the sick girl and asked her if her boobs were real. Neveah said they weren't big enough to be implants. Howard asked her more about the rubbing thing. Gary asked her if she's ever gotten a thousand dollar tip. Neveah said she came close to that. Howard asked her about dancing with girls and found out she has made out with some and has gone home with others. She's only 20 years old. He got into details about that and wondered when she last did it. Neveah said it was last Tuesday and she took a girl home with her to her house. Neveah got off work at 3 in the morning and went home with this girl.
Howard asked her details about hooking up with this other chick. She said that the other girl did stuff to her in her car on the way home. Howard said that maybe that chick gave her the flu. He spent some time talking to her about that and found out she had an orgasm in her car on the drive home. Neveah said the other girl was buried in her lap while that was going on. It took about 15 minutes for her to get off. They had smoked some weed that night as well.
Howard found out that the chick had used some toys on her. He said he's heard that her friend there is even crazier than she is. The guys were giving Howard the thumbs up to have her in the studio. Howard said he really doesn't want to get sick. Fred told Howard to keep her in quarantine even though she's so hot. Gary told him he'd already done the interview though. Howard asked her if she would get naked. Neveah said she would do that if they brought her in the studio. Gary said they could figure it out and get her in there without getting her too close to him. Howard said he really didn't want to get sick though. He had to go to break and said they may or may not have her in there. He said he really wants her in there but that illness thing is bothering him.
Howard got to see a little boob when the sick Penthouse Pet showed him a little. He then found out that she does some lesbian porn movies. He had to go to break but he kept talking to her anyway. He said they're his kind of ladies. He eventually had to go to commercial break.
Howard wondered why Johnny is so caught up in this Eric the Midget thing. He asked about the thread on SFN that they were talking about. Mutt said that the thread is really big and they have as many people reading that as Penthouse magazine has reading. He said he's not sure why they expect people to pat him on the back about having that big of a thread though.
Mutt also talked about the comments Johnny had made about flying the people out to do the Superfan Roundtable in California. He said he was going out there to visit Johnny anyway, so he just did the show out there since he was out there already. He made it sound like Johnny didn't pay for him to go out there to do the roundtable. Howard thanked him for the call and moved on.
Howard said that he was just thinking about the actor Jerry Orbach who donated his eyes to someone when he died. Howard said he could never do that and he wouldn't give up anything of his, he wants to be whole. He said you don't know what happens when you die. Gary said he's heard Howard say that when you're dead, you're dead. Howard said that's what he thinks, but he doesn't know that. Robin told Howard about a minister who was giving up a kidney to another man just out of nowhere.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Howard if he's excited about Van Halen getting back together with David Lee Roth. Howard said he's heard about that and they're not bringing Michael Anthony back but he thinks he'd be interested in seeing that reunion with David. Howard said he would like to see the original band but he would also like to see Eddie and his son performing together. That would be interesting.
Howard and the caller spent a little while talking about the Van Halen thing. Howard said that he knows that Eddie and David Lee don't get along so it'll be interesting to see how long they last. The caller asked Howard if he's going to have them both on the show. Howard said he would do that and maybe they should get them on the phone now. He told Gary to get both of them on next week.
Howard also talked about getting James Brown's wife on the show. He said that this restaurant Pump had sent up a huge thing of food for them this morning. He said their food is all organic but very tasty. He said he gets his breakfast from that place every morning.
Gary came in and said that he's been trying to get a hold of Eddie Van Halen but he hasn't been returning calls. He said that Tommy Ray isn't able to do the show either but he's been trying to get her on. Howard figures she'll eventually come in.
Howard mentioned that Rolling Stone had a good article that he read recently. He said he hates promoting them because they've been kind of shitty to him. He said this article he read was really good though. It was about James Brown and his life. They also wrote one about the guy who ran Atlantic Records and both of those were very good.
A caller said that he just got Howard TV recently and he loves it. Howard told him that they'll have a lot of good stuff coming up soon on Howard TV. The caller said that Mike Gange is looking really bad these days. He also pointed out that the angles that they have Howard at in one of the shows is really bad. He said he was taking a phone call in the show and he had a double chin that looked really bad. That led to Howard talking about how ever since they moved to the new studio, they don't take as much care with his lighting and angles. Mike Gange said that they take just as much care today as they did back then. Howard said that's not true and the lights are too bright and the angles are horrible. He said he looks like a fucking gargoyle.
Scott DePace came in to defend himself and said the one call had just set Howard off like he was describing yesterday. Howard said they used to be even worse but they have tried to work with him. He said he has avoided watching much of that Howard TV stuff because he hates seeing himself on them.
Robin said that Howard looked like he was in the sun this morning with the lighting they had on him. Scott said they have to keep the lights up because they are taping a TV show. They are able to tone it down with the equipment they use though so it's not as bright on TV as it is in there. He said they need lighting to make TV but Howard said ''Not with me!''
Scott tried to explain the bright lighting but he interrupted and said he knows he's not good looking and he needs the right angles to make him look ok. The caller said that Howard looked good in front-on angles but that's the one Howard hates. He went off on both Scott and Mike about what they were saying. Howard figured that this was part of some Rush Limbaugh conspiracy. Scott said that's not what it is at all. He was expecting Jason to come in and go off on him about being a lousy director now.
Howard and Scott had another political discussion and the subject of spanking came up as well. Scott was saying that he's not opposed to spanking and if his kid did something drastic, he might consider spanking. Howard and Robin didn't know where that line was and tried to find out what would be so drastic that he'd have to spank the kid. They also wondered if it would solve the problem. That led to Scott's song parody ''Balding Director'' being played again. Howard thanked him for that and Robin said that she knows how she was treated when she was a little kid and he shouldn't be beating them.
Howard read that Neveah is into smoking weed so he wondered if she smoked this morning. She said that she usually smokes at least 5 times a day but she wasn't able to find any in New York because she didn't know where to go. She's also on Xanax for anxiety. Her doctor prescribed that for her. She said nothing happened to her as a kid or anything but Howard figures something had to have happened. She said she's not freaked out by anything and didn't know if she had been abused or anything like that.
Howard found out that Neveah has been having sex since she was 16. He said if she looks like that, smokes weed and takes Xanax, there's nothing wrong with that. He wondered if guys start freaking out when they see her out on the beach. She said she does get attention and she has fun with it. She didn't get a lot of attention in high school because she was a bit of a stoner girl. She said it all changed when she started stripping.
Howard checked out Michelle Ramos' body after talking to Neveah for a short time. She had a bar code tattoo on her stomach and Howard though that really wasn't hot. He asked her why she'd ruin her body with a tattoo like that. She said there was a story behind it but Howard said women shouldn't be allowed to do stuff like that. She also had a huge tattoo on her back so Howard checked that out. He said she's so hot that it works, but she really doesn't need it.
Howard read that Michelle is engaged to two guys who are identical twins. She said that is true and told him how she met them at a strip club. She said they walked in one night and she ended up hooking up with them. Howard couldn't believe that she would be in a strip club and asked if her childhood was screwed up. She said that her parents were very conservative but it wasn't that bad. They don't even know that she's in Penthouse or that she's a stripper. She said they don't know that she's with the twins either.
Michelle said that she thinks that her boyfriends support her and that she goes to school at the University of Georgia. Howard said that she really doesn't need an education going through what she's going through. Howard asked her if she will ever use her hand on a guy when she's giving lap dances and stuff. She said they're not allowed to do that and she won't do it. She said that a lot of guys come in just to talk to her. Howard said that's crazy, he'd want to put his finger in her if he was there.
Michelle said that these twins that she's with were very much her type when she met them. They're thin and skateboarder types. They took her home and watched some skateboarding videos that night. They didn't have sex for a couple of days after that. She said she's very shy until the guy comes on to her so that's why it took a couple of days before they had sex. Howard said those guys must be nuts. He asked Michelle why they wouldn't want their own identities. She said that they do have that and they are different. She wouldn't be able to pick one over the other. She said even their penises are identical.
Michelle said that she's been going out with these guys for 3 and a half years now. They take turns having sex with her. They used to get into fights over it so they came up with some rules for who gets her. Howard asked Michelle how she gets into it with the guys. He doesn't understand how that all goes down. She said the first time they did it, one of the guys came on to her and started making out. Then she said that he told her they've never had a girlfriend apart. They always have the same girl. She said they're always together like they're one person.
Michelle said that they alternate who goes first with her each time they go. She said they don't use condoms and will usually drop their load on her back or something like that. She said they clean up and then the other brother will come in and work on her. She said sometimes the one brother will watch TV while the other goes.
Howard asked ''Heaven Spelled Backwards'' what she thought about all of that. He wouldn't call her by her name Neveah, he seemed to prefer calling her ''Heaven Spelled Backwards'' instead. She was surprised when she heard that and didn't have much of an answer for him. Howard continued talking to Michelle about her relationships and thought it was some scene that they were involved with.
Howard asked when the wedding is going to be. She said that it's kind of complicated and they haven't set a date. She can't marry both so she's going to marry the guy who has the more outgoing personality because he will talk to her parents and stuff like that. She said she can't imagine giving up either one of them though. Howard doesn't think it could possibly last because it's the sickest relationship he's ever heard of.
Howard asked how many nights a week the guys bang her. She said it's usually 3 times a week or so. Lately they haven't been doing it so much because they're moving. She said that she doesn't have a preference for either of them and will take either one when she's horny. Howard asked her if she's ever done both of them at the same time. She said she has done that. She said Howard should see them together. Howard said that he'd love to see that and told her to send a tape.
Howard told ''Heaven Spelled Backwards'' that he really wanted to have her in there but he can't get sick. When he heard that they were willing to get naked together, he said he might break down and do it. Mike Gange saved the day when he walked in with some surgical masks for the guys. Howard put that on and said the girls could come in. They came in a short time later.
Howard said he had to see the girls naked together. He gave them a plug for this Penthouse Super Party that's going on down in Miami. You can find out more about that at ThePenthouseSuperParty.com.
Howard took a call from Bobo who said that he did the right thing by putting on that surgical mask. He said when they have two hotties in there, that outweighs the risk. Howard went to Captain Janks after that. Janks said he was curious about what happens if she gets pregnant because the brothers will have the same DNA. He figures it'll eventually turn into a problem. She said it doesn't matter to her. It may matter to the brothers eventually though. Janks said he found this fascinating and he wants to see it on Howard TV as soon as possible. He needs something to jerk off to.
Howard asked the girls to get naked for him and they had no problem with that. Howard said that ''Heaven Spelled Backwards'' was in the studio sick and he didn't even care at that point. He asked the girls if they would take a ride on the Sybian. Meanwhile the girls took their tops off and showed them their boobs. Howard said they are really good looking and there aren't a lot of strippers who look that good. He said he thinks they could do better than stripping. Howard asked ''Heaven Spelled Backwards'' where they could get her porn movies. She said you can find them in the stores.
Gary came in and said that he wanted to talk to the girls about the Sybian. He told them what it was and how it would work. Gary said that if they do ride it, the guys who come to see them will look for them even more. Gary said he was reading on the web that the Neveah name is the fastest rising name in the united states. It entered the list a few years ago at number 430 and it's now the 70th most popular name in the country. It's all credited to one of the guys in the band P.O.D. who named his daughter Neveah.
Howard wanted to get the girls on the Sybian. He wanted them to do something so Will suggested the Tickle Chair. Howard wanted them on the Sybian. Meanwhile, Captain Janks was pretending to jerk off on the phone. Howard let him go and took another call from a guy who ended up getting Neveah talking about how she likes being pissed on and smacked around. Howard said he thinks that ''Heaven Spelled Backwards'' has to go on the Sybian first. She said they're lucky that she's a cool bitch. She got on the machine and Gary got her all set up.
Gary started out the Sybian slowly and cranked it up little by little. Howard found out that she's 5'7'' tall and weighs only 98 pounds. Gary told her to let him know when he got to the right spot. Howard told her to just let herself go with it and let them know how it felt. He took off his mask at that point because he just didn't care anymore.
Neveah asked for more power from the machine and said she really wants one of them for herself. She asked for Michelle to come over and pull her hair because she likes that. She did that and also smacked her around a little when Neveah asked for it. She really seemed to like being smacked.
Neveah's legs were shaking so Howard told Gary to jack up the power even more. She moaned while her hair was being pulled. Then Will got in there and started smacking her telling her to tell him she loved it. She did that and eventually finished. Mike Gange got in some smacks as well. When she was finished, Howard said that her ass was bright red. Neveah said it felt so good but Michelle didn't want to follow that. Howard said she could do it but she said she really just wanted to pass.
Howard said that ''Heaven Spelled Backwards'' was a lot of fun, but so was Michelle. He gave them another plug for the Penthouse party he mentioned earlier. Gange suggested that they spray each other down with cooking oil but Howard shot that down. Will said he wanted to know if Neveah's ass was okay because they were really hitting her hard. Neveah said she was fine and she likes getting beat up and choked in bed so it was fine.
Ralph called in and said that was really hot. He wasn't able to tell if they're good looking from the pictures that Jason took. Howard checked out Neveah's ass and said that it was really bronzed from the smacking. Howard wrapped up after that and went to commercial break a short time later.
Sammy claims that they gave Howard the song but Gary and Howard interrupted and said that they didn't give them the song, they demanded that they introduce the band before playing the song. Sammy claims that they also wanted to use the song in Howard's movie and TV show but that didn't work out. Howard said he likes Sammy and he'd never want to screw the guy over.
Sammy said they don't have any problem with Howard playing the song. He said if they wanted money, it was because they moved from WNBC to another station. They threw them a few bucks for the song when they did that. Then the song ran out and they stopped calling them. The deal apparently had a time limit on it or something. Howard said they could play it because it's on an album. Sammy said he doesn't have a problem but Gary yelled at him and said he does have a problem because he's gotten the calls from him.
Sammy said that they made promises that they didn't keep. Howard said he really likes the guy and wishes them luck. He said that they wrote him this song and he really likes it but he can't play it. Gary asked Sammy to say that they could play the song as much as they want with no strings attached. Sammy said they could play it but wouldn't say ''with no strings attached.'' Howard said he would play the song but he didn't want to offend Sammy so he just won't play it at all.
Sammy told Howard he could play the song as much as he wants with no strings attached eventually. He told Howard to keep the song as long as he wants. Gary asked him to say that they could play it in perpetuity but Sammy didn't know what he meant by that so he wouldn't repeat that.
Sammy asked if the record company was calling them or something. Howard said it was Gary who had conversations with Sammy and that's what the problem was. Howard said he didn't mean to offend him. He will play the song in the future but not right now. He wished Sammy and the band luck. He even let him get in a plug for the band. Sammy said you can go to Myspace and look them up. They have a new album out too. He said you can go to Myspace.com/TheZeros
Johnny said that he's not thrilled about the way people treat Eric the Midget. Howard said that maybe Eric needs to grow up and get over the whole thing. Howard said Jessica called in and apologized for what she said yesterday so maybe they should stop worrying about this stuff. Johnny said he really doesn't give a shit about Jessica and doesn't care if she lives or dies.
Johnny said that he went out of his way to help organize some stuff for the show and he's upset that they're just blowing this thread off. He said they started this thread and got people to buy radios and stuff. Howard said that Mutt was on the line so he asked him what was going on here. Mutt apologized for his web site becoming Howard's problem all of a sudden.
Mutt said that Johnny has been very good to him and did fly him out to California. He doesn't know why Johnny is holding that against Howard. Howard said he just doesn't understand any of this stuff. He asked Johnny why he's upset. Johnny tried to explain this thread which he looks at as a club. He said that people in Japan have been buying radios just so they can hear the show. Howard said he likes that but still doesn't know what the problem is. Johnny said that last week there was someone who said that Jessica's thread was 10 times bigger than his thread. Eric the Midget wanted to build it up and that's what led to the posts blowing Jessica's out.
Johnny said that Eric wants to help Howard out. Howard said that this is a comedy show and as far as who has a bigger thread, it's funny when they brag about that. Johnny said that all of the hate comes back to the thread when Howard disses Eric. He said that they've been calling Eric LJO (Little Jerk Off). Howard told Johnny that Eric isn't a kid, he's a 32 year old man who can take care of himself. He said they love Eric and the only reason Johnny knows him is because he's been on the show.
Johnny said he didn't want to call today, they called him. Howard told him this is getting out of control. Johnny said he doesn't know what's going on with Jessica either so Howard went to that call to find out what her thoughts were.
Jessica said that this is all about Howard's fans and they all try to get people to buy radios. She said that they're all Howard fans on that site and it shouldn't matter who has more hits in their thread. She said that if they promote Howard, that's great. It's just a thread. Johnny said he thinks that's fine. He then brought up the story that Shuli was doing about this and how she made a comment about her. They were going back and forth and Howard said this is the reason he stopped his bulletin board on his web site. He wanted to strangle himself over it.
Howard asked Johnny if he was okay with this now. Johnny said it's fine. He said that when he paid for Mutt to fly out to California, he thought it was a way of supporting the show. Howard said that has nothing to do with him though. Howard got Eric the Midget on the phone and told him that he should stop calling the show if this stuff upsets him. He said that you have to have a thick skin if you're going to be part of the show. He told him not to put himself through that stuff anymore.
Eric said that if he likes him and Johnny as much as he likes other people like Ralph and other fans, he should treat them better. Howard said he never said he likes him as much as these other people he was talking about. Robin asked Eric where he was going with that statement. No one knew what he was talking about and Eric didn't explain himself. Howard said he has nothing to do with the SternFanNetwork and right now he doesn't care if it were to blow up right now. He said he doesn't want the fans going anywhere that he doesn't own. He doesn't want it.
Howard said that if there's something you don't like out there, get off the site. You always run the risk of negatives and they should avoid it if they don't like it anymore. Johnny said it was positive until the negative stuff came up yesterday. Howard said he wants to start a site called PussyFanNetwork where people can talk about women instead of this nonsense.
Johnny said that Howard not giving Eric credit for the thread is what led to the negative comments. That's where the negativity came from. Howard told them that their thread is great then just so he could get this over with. Eric asked Howard not to use his Eric the Midget name for him and then give him props. Howard said he's not going to do that. He's Eric the Midget on the show and that's what he's calling him. Howard said Eric is just another guy to him and if he does something goofy, he'll talk about it.
Johnny wouldn't stop talking about the thread. He kept talking about how he and Eric beat Jessica's thread count and posts so Eric was proud of that. Howard said that's fine but he's not proud of that himself. He said he has no control over that site and he can't be held responsible for negative posts. He let the two of them go because he had to move on to other things. He said goodbye to everyone and Robin started laughing because Eric let out an ''Ehhh'' as he was getting off the phone.
Ralph called in and started doing his Eric the Midget impression. Ralph also said that Johnny has attached himself to Eric. Howard said he's fine with that and he likes those guys but he doesn't know Eric all that well. He said that Johnny is a compassionate guy and he's feeling bad for him. Ralph did a little more of his Eric impression and then got off the phone.
Howard had Mike Walker on the phone and asked him what was wrong. He had some allergy problems and was sleepy from working late. He said he was up until about 2 in the morning working on his column so it was a late night for him. Howard spent a few minutes talking to Mike about coming up with those stories he puts in his column and how hard that must be.
Howard asked Mike how old he is and tried to guess. He started out at 70 and went down from there. He said that Mike must have enough money not to do that job anymore. Mike said he likes doing it even though it is a pain. Howard said he's scared shitless of Mike and it must be the power he has that makes him keep doing this. Mike laughed.
Howard moved on to the game so here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Howard took a call from a guy after the game who said that he thinks Eric the Midget is the worst wack packer ever. Howard disagreed and said that he loves when he hears Eric going ''Ehhh'' during his calls and complaining and refusing to fly with balloons. The caller said he likes all of the wack packers but Eric makes him cringe when he hears him. He wanted to strangle the phone when he heard him complaining earlier.
Howard said he doesn't think Johnny is in the Wack Pack but he's getting close. He really likes that guy and does an impression of him because he likes him so much. The guy on the phone was also talking about how great Janice Dickinson was on the show yesterday. Howard agreed with him on that. He had to go to break after that.
Sal said that he was very sick and thought that Howard would have called to see how he's doing. Howard said if he was really very sick, he wouldn't be back in 2 days. Gary said that Sal's wife threw him a six pack of Gatorade and closed the door on him. Howard told him he shouldn't put up with that shit. Sal said his wife wouldn't let him sleep with her last night and told him to change the sheets in the ''contaminated room'' himself. Howard said he shouldn't have to ask permission to sleep in his own bed.
Sal said he feels like a guest in someone else's house when that happens. Howard said that would never go down in his house. He said she was making a little bit of sense when she said she didn't want to get sick because she has to stay home and watch the kids. Howard said that if she gets sick, she's still got to watch the kids. That's her job.
Sal said his wife slept in the king sized bed in their bedroom last night while he was in the contaminated room. Howard told Sal that he's fucked already. If he had any self esteem he wouldn't put up with that shit. Fred said that his wife sleeps with him even when he's sick. Howard said Beth does the same. Sal said he was so sick that he was pissing in one of the Gatorade bottles because he couldn't get up to go to the bathroom.
Fred asked Sal when all of this started going down. Sal said it all came down when he went broke. In the beginning she was okay but it didn't take long for her to turn on him. Howard told Sal to stay away from him today and to stay away from the food that the restaurant Pump sent up to them. He was coughing and getting stuff all over Gary's desk.
Howard had Jon Hein give his Wrap Up Show preview after that. Jon whipped through his show rundown and talked about the subjects they'll be discussing today. Howard had Mutt on the phone once again. Mutt said they'll probably talk about the whole Johnny Fratto thing. They'll have a bunch of other things to talk about on that show as well.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Howard to replay that Richard Christy prank call he'd played earlier in the morning. Howard said that was a great call so he should replay it. Howard said he'll do that before the news. The caller also asked if Mike Ditka had bailed on them today. Gary said that he did bail but his story wasn't all that straight so he's not sure what the exact reason was. All he knows is that he passed on them. Fred said that he can understand why he wanted to pass because he's part of some Scott Tissue promotion and he probably thought there would be a lot of shit references. Howard played that Richard Christy call he had played earlier as they were going to break.
Robin wrapped up with her news and Howard ended the show around 11:05am
Howard started off the show talking about the cold he had. He said there's a lot to be said for having a regular 9-5 job where he wouldn't have to worry about things. He figured that being a stock broker would be pretty tough. He said he'd like to be a dog groomer or a chef. He can't imagine having to worry about the job after a full day's work as a chef. Either that or be the owner of a pizza shop or something like that. He couldn't handle a post office job or a bike messenger job.
Howard said he thinks he eats right but maybe he doesn't eat enough. He said he might just need a 19 year old girlfriend. If he had that, he'd have a reason to live and to be healthy. That led to the guys talking about Fred getting married and ruining his life when he had the freedom to do anything. Howard said that there was some talk about how he and Robin would talk about how Fred hardly ever had sex when they knew him and then he goes out and gets married.
Howard said he had a lot of stuff to get to today. He said they have some Stuttering John interviews that he did at a press conference that Denise Brown (Nicole Simpson's sister) was at. Howard requested an interview with her because he's on her side in the whole thing but they can't get her on.
Howard said they sent Stuttering john over to the press conference and the guy who was ahead of him was actually asking some pretty tough questions. After that guy went, John started asking questions and she left. He said the reporters all got mad at John but Howard thinks that the guy ahead of him was being even rougher on her than John was.
Howard said he was going to hold off on the tape but then decided to play it now. He explained what the guys were asking Denise before john got up there and asked his questions. Robin said she saw the video of this event and Denise didn't even look all that pissed off. She just smiled and walked off.
Stuttering john came in and Howard sat there silent for a few seconds. Then he told John that he's a weird guy. John said he was just sitting there though. Howard played some of the press conference after that. Denise talks about what she's going to be discussing and then one guy claps. John said he was going to clap but didn't want to draw attention to himself.
In the press conference Denise was asked about her promotion of these No Excuses jeans she was a spokesperson for. She didn't have a very good answer so Howard explained how she should have answered. He continued to play the tape and Denise was still having problems answering the questions that were being asked. Then Stuttering John asked a question that got some of the reporters pissed off at him and one guy laughing. They called John a heckler in the newspaper.
John continued to ask Denise questions but she didn't want to answer anything specific about OJ. That led to the guys talking about OJ Simpson and how they think he's guilty. Howard got back to the tape a short time later and heard some other reporters asking Denise questions. John asked one last question which was ''Would you like to see OJ Simpson put in a cell next to the guy who killed Jeffrey Dahmer?'' Denise said goodbye and walked off. The reporters got mad at him for chasing her away.
John was hounded by the press that were there after chasing Denise away. He tried explaining that his questions weren't any worse than the questions the rest of the press were asking. John said he didn't get kicked out or anything and he left on his own without being kicked out. He said that he was let out on his own recognizance which wasn't the right way to say it so Howard and Robin goofed on him about that.
There was one female reporter who kept saying that john was stupid. other reporters were complaining that he had chased her away but Howard said she wasn't even saying anything. Gary said it came across the wire that Denise had walked out because of Stuttering John who is a reporter for The Howard Stern Show.
John thought he was being supportive of Denise with his questions. Howard told John he thought he was being supportive too but he was just joking around. He asked John what was wrong with him this morning because he looked weird. John said he had trouble with his eyes from being tired. Robin said that John has a lot of ticks going on with his face. He said he saw that on the E! show and didn't realize how bad it was.
Howard pointed out some of the other stuff that John does with his face. He was demonstrating for John and goofing on him for a few minutes. Gary said he noticed one where John's nose scrunches up. He also said he used to have a ''horse one'' that he did but he's lost that.
Howard told John he did a good job with the questions and congratulated him on that. He also read some of the questions that John wasn't able to get to. There were some goofy ones about OJ and his group of friends. Howard wrapped up and went to break after that.
Howard said that Robin once asked him if he had sex on all of the hard surfaces in his house after talking about how sexy his furniture was. He said that Robin is very wild that way and into inventing stuff like that. He said that she will go with just about anything a guy does with her. He said a guy could probably cut off her feet and she'd still figure out a way to go with it. He's hoping that her book reveals some of that stuff when it comes out.
Howard told a story about Kathie Lee Gifford doing a commercial that he saw the other night. Frank Gifford was in the commercial laying on a chair in the Carnival Cruise Line that she was promoting. She's all excited and moving around like crazy while Frank just lays there. He explained what was going on in the commercial and said that she was a magnificent looking woman. Then Frank gets on a water slide and slides down that but he looks like a dead guy. He goofed on that saying that it looked like a burial at sea when he slid down that thing.
Howard wondered why they would do commercials like that. He said it must cost an extraordinary amount of money to do something like that. He said they don't need to drag Frank out to slide down a slide like that. He said poor Frank is a guy who has to go for a colonoscopy every 3 months.
Howard said he'd like to have Kathie Lee in bed and see what she's like. He thinks that would be pretty extraordinary. He said he'd use his tongue like toilet paper. He went on to describe the way she looked in the commercial and how she looked like a granddaughter wrapped around her grandpa when she was hugging Frank.
Howard went on to talk about the cruise line that Kathie Lee was promoting and the kind of people who probably show up on there. He said it must be like a cruise to hell. Billy West was doing some impressions of some people who might show up on the cruise.
Howard wondered what you do when you have some nutty broad like Kathie Lee singing to you. He said that's what Frank has to put up with. He had to go to break after that.
Jackie said he just sneezed that one time and they make it seem like he did it just to be noticed. Howard put a stop to the noises after a couple of minutes. Howard congratulated Jackie on all of those noises he makes. Billy and Fred started to play off of each other for a little longer.
Howard asked Jackie if he could talk about him coming to see him yesterday. He said he gets nervous when Jackie says ''Boss, I need to talk to you about something...'' He doesn't know why Jackie calls him boss but he looks at him that way. He said Jackie was making the announcement at the end of the show yesterday that he needed to talk. He said he was getting together with Robin to talk about what they had coming up on the show. Howard said Fred shows up last minute at those meetings.
Fred asked Howard to stay on the subject of Jackie and not him. Jackie never shows up either because he's on the phone with his wife or something. Jackie said he stays in touch with ''Jokeland Central'' after the show. Howard said Jackie's empire is these jokes that he puts out. He's always putting out stuff like t-shirts and sweatshirts with his Jokeland stuff on it.
Howard said that Jackie came out with a new sweatshirt that had this bad iron-on lettering on it. He said his daughter threw hers out. Robin said Howard was using it to wash his car. (I use mine when I change my oil) Howard said that Robin feigns interest in that stuff and suggests stuff for him to do and Jackie takes it seriously.
Howard said Fred walked into the room as Jackie was going to ask him this question. He said Fred never shows up and then decides to show up at the last minute so he was going to have to kick him out. Howard said he said something to Jackie about needing some private time and Fred just sat there. Howard then had to break the news to Fred that Jackie wanted to speak to him privately.
Howard said Fred eventually left so he asked Jackie how much this was going to cost him. Jackie then told him that it wasn't bad, but it wasn't good either. Howard dragged it out and wouldn't get to the subject that Jackie was asking about. Everyone was waiting to hear what this was all about. Howard said Jackie told him he's been asked to make his acting debut on a TV program. He was asking for permission to go on Thursday and Friday to make this acting debut. Howard said that he's not going to be the a-hole that tells him he can't make his acting debut. He said he can't be the one to say no to him.
Howard told Jackie to just go make his acting debut if he wanted to. Jackie said he wasn't even sure if he could act so if he wanted to say no, that would be fine. Howard said he wasn't going to do that and told him to go for it. Jackie tried telling him about what the show was about but Howard said he zoned out while listening to it. Howard knows that if Jackie has a bad time out there, he's going to get blamed.
Jackie said that this show is called ''The Watcher'' and it will be Gilbert (Gottfried) and him in the show. Howard said he told Jackie to go with his blessing after hearing the story. Gary said he wasn't sure why Jackie would go to do a show he hadn't even read the script for. Jackie said he has an idea of what the show is about, he just doesn't know the specifics yet.
Howard said he did the Garry Shandling show and that was his first real acting role. He said he's been regretting that ever since. Howard wondered if Jackie is making all kinds of demands for this whole thing. Jackie said he's getting paid a guest star payment to do the show. The guys asked him if he's going to get all kinds of plugs for his Jokeland stuff in the credits. Jackie said he was going to change his name to include his phone number.
Gary mentioned that he saw Robin's appearance on the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air in syndication the other day. Robin said she only took one day off to do that. Jackie has to take two. Howard figures the script is going to be awful, especially if Gilbert is in it. He said Gilbert will take any role and this will be an embarrassment to the whole show.
Howard did an impression of Jackie reading his lines with Gilbert in the TV show. Billy was doing his Gilbert impression along with that. Howard thinks Jackie won't be able to act and it will turn out to be a disaster. Billy got into his Jackie impression and talked about how Tony Danza and Olivier are in the same business. He was also doing a Jackie as De Niro impression which was just Jackie saying some of his lines and laughing.
Howard said he's been thinking about this new Paramount Network that's starting up. He said they wanted him to do a show for them but he thinks that he's going to put them on the map if he does do a show. He did that for the E! network and helped put them on the map.
Robin was talking about some new FCC regulation about cable companies being able to add some new channels and only allowing an extra charge of $1.50. Howard said that will lead to the cable companies raising their rates some ridiculous amount even though people don't want half the channels they have. He and Robin spent a few minutes talking about that and then went to commercial break.
Gary said that someone must be able to see him there and they should honk and let them know it's for real. A few seconds later someone honked. The caller said that sometimes life just sucks and he doesn't want to live. He said he has a wife and a job but he goes to the bridge to think sometimes. The guy said his battery was running low and so was he.
Robin asked him what it is about life that sucks so much that it's not worth living. Howard thought she was talking to him so he started to complain about Tom Chiusano. A short time later a woman took the phone from the jumper and told Howard this guy is serious. She tried talking him away from the edge of the bridge but he didn't want to. He also told Howard that the woman who stopped to help him was a big fat cow. That wasn't very nice.
The caller said that everyone was stopping there on the bridge. He told the woman that he'd be okay but Howard didn't believe it. He asked the guy what his name was. He said he goes by Prince so Howard used that. Robin told the guy he has to wait for her book to come out. Howard told the guy he has to stick around because he's got so much stuff in the works like a movie and other things. He has to be around to see all of that. Howard told the guy he could come in and visit the show if he wanted to.
Someone grabbed the guy's cellular phone and told Howard that the cops grabbed the guy and cuffed him. He said they were taking him away. Howard wanted to talk to the cops but the guy handed the phone to the fat broad and she told him that she put her arms around him and held him until the cops took him away. Howard said he was the one who saved the guy and he wanted credit for it. Howard said he kept the guy laughing while he was on the phone so that's what kept him from jumping. The woman said he told her that Howard was the only reason he didn't jump.
Howard asked to speak to one of the cops. The cop said he was listening to his show while they were on the way over to the bridge. Robin asked if they have any type of citation that they could give to Howard for what he did. There was no answer, the cop was gone. The guy who had picked up the phone earlier got back on and said he's friends with Celeste. Howard told that guy to jump off the bridge instead of the other guy.
Howard eventually got another cop on the phone so he tried explaining to him what he had done. The cop said he knew what he was doing and they got there as fast as they could. Howard said that this was his contribution to the world, saving someone's life. The cop told Howard to come up to the 33 Precinct and he'd give him some kind of citation for what he's done. Howard said there was no way he was going up to that part of the city though.
The cop told Howard that the woman who held this guy Helen Marie Trimble. Howard had him put her back on the phone. She got back on and told her not to take credit for saving this guy. She said she won't do that, it was Howard who actually kept him there. Howard said she may have to throw in his name in every answer she gives to the press. He had the feeling that she was going to get all the credit though.
Another cop got on the phone and said that he was Lieutenant with the police department and said that he wanted to thank him for helping to avert a tragedy on the bridge today. Howard said he doesn't feel like a hero and asked if he's ever heard someone so calm at a moment like that. The cop said that he does sound very calm over the phone. He also told Howard that the man who was going to jump is now in Port Authority Police custody and will be brought in for psychiatric evaluation.
The cop thanked Howard multiple times for helping to stop this possible tragedy today. Howard told him to be careful out there with the traffic the way it was. Howard said he's always there for the police if they need him. Howard let him go a short time later. He said he was embarrassed to be called a hero. Gary came in and said that the press were already calling them to find out what had gone on. Howard said he will have to set up a press event as soon as possible. Gary also said that actress Sally Kellerman was very impressed with what just happened.
Howard said Sally is very press savvy so maybe he should talk to her about that. He said he does want to talk to her. He said he loved her in ''Back To School.'' Howard said that he wanted to talk about the way they were going to run this press thing. He said he'd like to get that cop down there to help out.
Howard told Robin that she has to call him a hero and he'll say that he's not a hero, he was just doing what anyone would do. They rehearsed that a little bit and Robin told Howard what a hero he was while he denied it. Gary said they're getting a lot of requests for the tape so maybe they should play it on a boom box.
Howard asked where Ralph was because he had to get his hair done. He also told Ralph to run out and get him a Superman outfit. The guys told him not to do that, he should play it straight. Stuttering John came in and said that they have a lot of people who want to come in for the press event. Some people wanted an exclusive but Howard wanted to make it a big event.
Ralph told Howard that was amazing. Howard said of course it was and then told him to get out of there. He had to go to break after that anyway. Gary mentioned that their friend, Congressman Serrano, told him that he's going to put in for a special award for what Howard did. Gary said that there are some news reports about how much havoc the whole thing caused with traffic on the bridge.
Stuttering John came in and said that someone from the show Rescue 911 wanted to do a story about this whole thing. Howard seemed to like that idea but he had to take a commercial break.
Sally was saying that she's kind of a wuss when it comes to saying stuff on the air. She said she was reading his book last night and it was interesting about how inventive and creative Howard is. She was also shocked at how cruel he can be. She was going to talk to him about that part of it but then he saved this guy on the bridge so she couldn't go into that.
Gary came in and said that they had Congressman Serrano on the phone so Howard had to take that call. He took the call and spoke to Serrano about what he was going to do for him. Serrano congratulated and thanked Howard for what he did. Serrano said he will be given a certificate of merit for what he did. That whole incident will also be brought in front of Congress when they get together next. Howard asked if the award comes with a medal or something he could wear. Serrano said it's just a piece of paper that he can hang on his wall.
Howard thanked Serrano for what he was doing but he didn't want to be called a hero. Robin played the game they planned earlier where she would insist that he was a hero while he pretended he didn't want that. Howard said he will accept that certificate that he's going to get for him. He let him go a short time later.
Howard got back to Sally and told her that she's got a great chest on her. He asked her if she wanted to hug him but she wasn't interested. Howard asked Sally about this movie she's in and talked to her about how excited she is about that. She was saying that she wanted to talk to Howard about how cruel he can be but Howard said that he's really not like that.
Sally let the f-word slip out at one point. Howard said that this guy he just saved could be some brilliant guy who could go on to cure cancer or something like that. He said if he had not stepped in, this guy's wife and children would be without a husband and father. He said he thinks he's done God's work with this whole thing. He also said that if he had been successful at killing himself, that could have led to copycat suicides.
Howard talked to Sally about her new movie ''Prêt-à-Porter'' a little bit. They talked about some of the roles that Sally has had over the years. Howard said he was actually surprised she showed up today. He asked her for a hug but she refused to go over to him. He asked to see her shoes and had her lift up her foot to see. He asked her to go over her movie so he could move on to his press conference. She went through some of the details of the movie and told Howard he would love it. Howard said he would see it because it had some hot chicks in it.
Sally let the F-word fly again at one point. Howard went on to ask her if she hates anyone in show business. She said she really doesn't think there is anyone she hates. Howard said she has to hate someone. Howard got back to her movie and said that if there are supermodels in it, he might have to go see it. She mentioned some of the models who are in the movie and Howard sounded like he'd like to see them in it.
Howard eventually convinced Sally to come over and give him a hug. Robin said she had the look of disgust on her face as she was doing that. Sally said that it was a very nice hug. She said she was clean as a whistle but Howard told her that he actually had diarrhea last night. He wrapped up with her and went to commercial a short time later.
Howard thought Senator Al was going to get on and make a big deal about him being a hero but he really wasn't saying much. Al went on and started talking but Howard didn't think he was getting to the point of calling him a hero. He wrapped up with the call and thanked him for calling in. He let him go a short time later.
Howard said he had to get to this press conference he had set up. He asked what happened to the guy from Rescue 911. Howard said that's William Shatner's show. That led to Billy West doing an impression of Shatner as if he were talking up that whole thing. Gary told Howard that was actually a bogus call from the people at Rescue 911 but he did have former Mayor Koch on the phone.
Howard didn't think it was mayor Koch at first but then realized it was really him. Koch told Howard that he really is a hero and thanked him for what he's done. Koch told Howard that there's a Yiddish saying that says something like ''If you save one man, you've saved the world.'' Howard seemed to like that comment. He continued to speak to Mayor Koch for a short time. Koch asked Howard what line he used to keep this man from jumping. Howard said that he just used humor to keep him from jumping and said that there wasn't just one particular line he used. He wrapped up with him a short time later and let him go. Howard said he thinks that Mayor Koch was the greatest Mayor to ever run the city.
Robin read some press releases about the story that were coming over the news wire. She said they were actually pretty funny. Gary came in and told him that they have a lot of news outlets showing up for this press conference. He went through the list of all the local channels that were there for that. Gary said he was working on getting some other people there, like the cop who made the arrest and the Lieutenant who was on the phone with Howard. He said they're looking at about a 9:40 start for that press conference.
Robin told Howard this may be the first time the press doesn't attack him. Howard went through some faxes he's gotten from people this morning. Some people thought he should have let the guy jump, others told him he was a hero.
Howard told Helen what to do when she's questioned by the press. He told her not to take all the credit, he wants her to talk about what a great thing his show is. He had her rehearse a little bit. She talked about how she's been listening to the show for years and started to get into too much detail. Howard told her to keep it short and to make sure that she uses his name a lot. She tried that over again and got it down pretty good.
Howard said that if Helen cries during the press conference, he'd do anything for her. She was talking about the look on that man's face when she grabbed him and she started to tear up a little. Howard told her to stop and to hold onto that until the press conference. He had to go to break a short time later.
Gary told Howard he was ready to begin and then played some audio from when the jumper was caught by the police and put in cuffs. Then Gary introduced Howard to the press. Howard came out and explained what had happened on the show today. He said he didn't know what kind of man this was who called him this morning. He said he found that he was a man who was down on his luck and feeling despondent. He went on to say that he has learned what it feels like to be a doctor who saved a gerbil from a man's buttocks.
Howard threw in a bunch of jokes in his speech. Jackie was laughing his ass off whenever Howard used one of his jokes. Howard said he is not a hero so Robin came in right on cue and told him that he really is a hero. They argued about that for the press.
After Howard's speech Helen got up and told her story. She even demonstrated how she grabbed the man and held him as he was speaking to Howard. Howard then pointed out that there were a lot of people listening to the show at the time they were speaking to this man and they all showed up on the bridge. Helen and the police who showed up were all listening.
Penny Crone said that there are some people who are saying that this is a scam. Helen interrupted and said that this was not a scam. Howard said it would be against the law to do something like that and he would never do such a thing. Howard said if he had set it up, Helen would have been a stripper. He told Penny that she's a very evil woman for accusing him of such a thing.
Howard spoke to a woman from the channel 11 news. He was asked if he would start a suicide hotline after this. Howard said he has been asked things like that. Another reporter asked Howard what was going through his mind as he was speaking to this man. Howard said he knew he had to keep this guy laughing, so that's what he tried to do.
Howard took some other questions from various reporters. One reporter from Extra asked him if they would put this into his movie. Howard said they would never trivialize such a thing. Penny Crone asked why a guy would grab his cell phone if he was thinking about killing himself. She still thought that this might be a scam. Howard assured her that it wasn't.
More reporters jumped in and asked some questions. He was asked if he was surprised at the calls he got from Senator D'amato and Mayor Koch. Howard said he was touched by all of the calls he got this morning. He let some others ask various questions about the way he was feeling at the time he took the call.
Gary introduced Lieutenant Bleeker who was there at the scene when the jumper was taken into custody. Lt. Bleeker said that the man seems to be very distraught and he is being checked out now. He said this is thanks to Howard and Helen.
Lt. Bleeker spent a short time taking questions from the press, mostly Penny Crone, about what had happened. He said he believes that this was a bona fide incident and it was not a scam from what they can tell. Howard fielded a few more questions from the press for himself and for Helen and Lt. Bleeker. Howard then had to wrap up the press conference. The press had more questions so Howard let them continue to speak to Lt. Bleeker about what had gone on.
Howard wrapped up the press conference and thanked Helen for what she did. He said she was very brave in doing what she did. Howard told the press he'd like to see them put a negative spin on this whole thing. Gary had some other people coming in to get interviews.
Howard asked Steve Dunleavy how he felt about the way he handled the whole thing. Steve though he handled it just fine. He asked Steve not to play this whole thing tongue in cheek because his comedy doesn't go over very well. Billy West did his impression of Steve for a short time and goofed on his delivery. They had some fun with that for a short time.
Howard wanted to get out of there but Gary had a guy trying to find out if they were going to give him first run on the TV show he works for. Howard didn't want to wait around. Gary told Howard he handled everything very well today and he thought he was very impressed.
Howard got confirmation that Entertainment Tonight was going to have this story as their lead story. Howard said he would do it but then Gary came in and said that they weren't going to do it on the air. Howard said that he was only going to do it on the air, not off the air. He didn't want to do it out in the hall. The reporter from Entertainment Tonight said they didn't want him to do it on air. Howard said he should just do it, he's already on the air. Howard called off the whole thing if he wasn't willing to do it on air. Howard said that all of the other shows were going to beat them to it if they didn't do it on air. The guy said he just couldn't do it because his bosses told him he couldn't.
Howard said he needed to go home and didn't want to do this crap off the air. The reporter understood his reasons and said that's fine. Howard said they have to comply with his wishes to get an interview. Howard went around the room and asked the guys if they had ever saved lives. Fred said he saved a guy in a movie theater one time. Robin used to be a nurse and said she used to save people all the time. Gary said he saved Fred's life when he called his wife to come down to see him at the hospital. Jackie said he saved a life... by pulling over his car and going to sleep.
Howard played himself out to the tune of Mariah Carey's ''Hero'' song. He ended the show around 9:45am (Master Tape Theatre time).
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