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Please visit the MarksFriggin.com archives to read the March 17, 1988 show.
Howard started the show without his usual start up song. He interrupted the Lenny Kravitz song and talked over it as it was coming to an end. He wondered where that song was from and which Birthday show it came from. Robin said he had come in for his birthday but not for a big party.
Howard said he was singing the most obscure Beatles song this morning. He said he was going to let the song finish first. Then he mentioned that Tricia Helfer was coming in this morning and the only reason she's coming in is because he has a dick. He said she's super hot and that's why he's having her in. He asked Fred to play the opening song after that. Fred said that people do get pissed when they don't play that song so it was best that they do. Howard said people don't like change and they wrote in and freaked out when he threatened to change the opening song.
Fred was trying to find some Beatles stuff but he cut off the opening song so he had to restart it. Howard told him to start it again after he stopped it. He was going to sing that Beatles song but he wanted Fred to let that song play. Howard then sang the lyrics to the Beatles song that he was talking about. It was from their Magical Mystery Tour album but Artie didn't recognize it. Neither did Robin.
Howard was singing a couple of Beatles songs and asking the guys if they knew which album they were on. Artie knew one of them as soon as he heard Howard singing it. Fred played the song and Howard sang along with it a little more.
Howard said he lost a heartbreaking game of chess yesterday. He said the guy was rated 100 points higher than him and he screwed up when he made a lousy move. It was that one move that cost him the game.
Howard said that he has thrown parties and when people leave to go do other things, you do get upset. They got a little sidetracked and talked about how much Brent is looking these days now that he's cut off those mutton-chop sideburns. Howard suggested that he get rid of those earrings he wears too. He said they're a little too feminine for him.
Howard said that from what he heard, Brent has been hitting the cocaine lately. He said that they were talking about all of this stuff on Bubba's show yesterday but Artie thought they were going to get pissed that they were talking about it.
Artie said he was talking to Brent about the Saints game at the wedding. That's when he suggested that they go over and check the score at the bar across the street. Brent brought him over because he felt bad not taking him over. Artie said that a bunch of the guys came over to the bar when they left. Howard thinks that Artie led the group over there because they all left after they did. Artie had $3,000 on the game so he had to go over and see how things were going.
Howard said that Brent is back on the coke from what he heard. Artie had mentioned something to Howard off the air and Artie didn't want Brent thinking that he was telling Howard stuff that should have been private. Artie said he went over to get a drink at the bar and Brent introduced him to this guy Randy Michaels who used to work at Clear Channel. Howard said he never got to meet the guy. He said he didn't know who he was otherwise he would have said hello.
Artie said Brent saw that he had some Jack Daniels and asked him how far off the wagon he was because he was going to be powdering his nose that night. Artie told Brent he couldn't go back to that. He said that's his death drug and he can't go back to it. He hasn't done it since 1997. If he had done it, he would have started running and they'd end up in St. Louis or somewhere like that. Artie told Brent to go have fun but he wasn't going to do it.
Artie said he thinks that his gambling vice kept Brent from doing the coke. They were so wrapped up in the game that Brent may have skipped the coke. Howard said that Artie going over to do his gambling thing led to half of the guys leaving the wedding. That wasn't fair to the guys who stuck around there at the wedding.
Howard said that he got the feeling that Artie gave Bubba more money than he did. Beth heard him saying that the amount of money he gave him was embarrassing so Beth thought that it meant that he had given more. Artie said he went by what they were saying on the air so it shouldn't have been more.
Howard took a call from Joey Boots who said he made up that $50,000 amount for Ralph's check. He said he lied and said that Ralph had actually told him that number. They now know that Chaunce listens to that show since he took that number and went to the news with it. Howard played an audio clip from that show where Joey mentioned the number. Joey lied and said he knew the number because that's what Ralph told him. Joey said that he's going to spread a rumor that Mutt is getting paid $100,000 a year to do the Superfan Roundtable show. He said that should drive Riley nuts.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked to get $50,000 if he's a good caller and then asked if Howard is working on Friday. Howard said they are not working on Friday, they don't work Fridays. The caller said that Artie and the guys should have been allowed to go out and have fun during the wedding if they had been there for a few hours. Robin said that Artie was serious when he said he didn't want to go to the ceremony that day.
Artie said he was getting into the game at the bar when everyone else started showing up over there. Sal and Tim came over and started bothering him with Eagles chants in his ear. He thought that the wedding had ended by that time.
Artie said one of the girls took a picture with him but she didn't look like she was into him. He said he wasn't into the whole threesome thing either. He wasn't able to just pick one of the girls politely either. He said one of the girls was cute but he was more attracted to this blonde at the bar across the street. Howard said he thought there were going to be a lot of hot girls at the wedding but he didn't find that at all. Artie said there were some good looking girls there. He was hitting on one but then her boyfriend showed up.
Artie said he and Sal ended up going to the chocolate fountain at the wedding. Howard interrupted and said he heard about that. They had fruit there that you could dip in the chocolate. Sal suggested that Artie dip a donut in the fountain and his eyes lit up like he had just invented radio. He thought Sal had come up with the best idea at that point.
Howard said Howard TV has a lot of coverage of the wedding and the stuff they were doing down there. Artie said that he and Sal were eating the chocolate covered donuts when Sal said that it was better than pussy.
Artie said that Howard got kind of drunk at his party and was telling him ''Eat you fat fuck!'' but Howard didn't remember that. Artie then reminded Howard that Sal had creeped him out at his party. That was something else he didn't remember. Artie told him that Sal was kissing his ass and singing to him when he told him to just get the fuck away from him.
Howard said he always ends up alone at these parties he goes to. He said he really likes Sal but he was sitting alone with Beth when he came over and started bothering him. He said he just wanted him to shut the fuck up and stop sucking his dick for two seconds and act normal. Sal came in and said it was a proud moment for him. Howard told him he's got to calm down with that shit.
The guys goofed on Sal about the way he kisses Howard's ass saying he's kind of like Luca Brazi in The Godfather the way he's always up his ass. Sal said he had started to sing ''My Hero'' to Howard at one point and Howard said he's an asshole when he does that stuff. Sal said that Beth was beautiful at the wedding. Sal and Beth had it out about his horse face comments there at the wedding as well. Artie said that Sal went into his phony apologetic stuff in front of her.
Howard said he called Sal's hotel to pay for his room but he wasn't there under his last name. They had changed it to his wife's maiden name because he was getting prank calls. Artie said he had to change his name as well.
Howard said that Artie had a facial while he was down there but he didn't realize he had white crap all over his face. Artie said Tim Sabean told him about it but Robin said everyone wanted it to be a secret and didn't want him to find out. Artie said they're like a bunch of 6th graders there. He said it would have been nice if someone had told him about that.
Robin said that Artie never stops talking even when he's eating. He was telling stories and stuff even as he was eating all of that food. There was some discussion about how Artie wasn't getting his own food at Bubba's wedding. Artie said he went to the reception when they were at the wedding and did go through the buffet himself one time. Then this guy came to the table and told him that he would get them anything they needed. He took full advantage of that and had him getting his food for him.
Howard said that Howard TV will have coverage of a lot of that stuff. They have video of Artie in his bathing suit. They showed some of that in the studio and Artie said it was so depressing to see that. Howard said he hopes that they have video of him getting off the wave runner. Artie said that picture of him is disgusting and it's all because of laziness. He said it's awful.
Ronnie said that one of Bubba's people there helped him embarrass himself. He said he did get a little drunk and he didn't think it was that bad. Then he stared doing tequila shots with Artie. Howard told him to tell the truth and Ronnie said he was. He said he kept getting shot after shot from 25 Cent over there. Then something snapped in his head after too many shots. He went to one of Bubba's people and asked if he should do this thing he was going to do. That person, who remained nameless, told him to go for it and brought him to the microphone. That's when he got up and did this thing in front of everyone. It was his ''Lets fuck some whores'' catch phrase that no one even knew he had. Howard asked him why it was important for him to say that. Ronnie claimed he thought that all of the kids were gone so it shouldn't have been that big of a deal.
Howard said he blames himself for Ronnie's behavior and he's really gotten carried away with himself. Ronnie said that he will apologize to Bubba but he won't apologize to Howard. Howard said that Ronnie went up at the wedding and made a speech that was embarrassing. He had some audio from that so he had Fred play it. In the clip Ronnie was cursing out this girl's boyfriend when people reminded him he was at a wedding where there were kids. Then he as throwing out the f-word and telling Bubba's wife to get up there.
Howard told Ronnie he's got to stop doing stuff like that because it embarrasses him and his show. He said it's not funny when he yells out ''Lets fuck some whores'' and things like that. Howard said he might have to speak to Ronnie off the air because he really wants him to stop with this stuff. Ronnie said he will have this conversation off the air then. He sounded pissed that Howard was bringing this up on the air.
Howard told Ronnie that his new catch phrase was ''Lets fuck up Howard's reputation.'' Ronnie said that he wasn't working down there on Saturday night so he shouldn't have to stop doing what he wants to do. Howard told him that he's not funny when he does that stuff. Ronnie said he heard him the first time and yelled at Howard as he was doing that. Howard told him not to yell at him. He told him he was at a wedding and should have been in control of himself.
Howard told Ronnie he just won the Asshole Award for his behavior down there. Ronnie started to walk out but quickly came back to defend himself some more. He said he knows that what he did was wrong but he couldn't take it back. Howard told him not to drink tequila shots anymore. He gets way out of control with that stuff. Ronnie said he almost didn't come in this morning because he didn't want to go through this. He said that the one person at the wedding who should be taking the blame is the guy who told him it would be a good idea to do what he did. That person, who was still being kept nameless, told Ronnie it would be a good idea.
Howard told Ronnie that he thinks his tattoo ink is poisoning his brain or something. He said that Ronnie's wife is such an angel and he can't imagine that she likes his behavior. Artie thanked Ronnie because he could have easily taken asshole of the weekend award if Ronnie didn't do what he did.
Howard said that there are rules for his show and for the way his staff acts outside the show. Artie said that it wasn't really work but it was kind of work in a way. They should have all been on good behavior. Howard said Bubba has some nice family and they probably walk away thinking that Howard Stern is classless when they see his staff acting like that. He thinks he should talk to Ronnie about his behavior so he knows how to act out in public. They all get labeled as bad people when something like that happens.
Artie said that Bubba was only offering up half pills and there's no way he could get off on that. He said he wasn't going to take them anyway but half a pill wouldn't work for him. He also thanked Brent for treating him so well that night and apologized to him for dragging him to the bar that night.
Howard said that after the wedding he was brought out to his car in the back. He said that Bubba and Heather were back there and the preacher was with them. The preacher asked for a kiss from Heather while they were standing outside.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he has been fired for doing stuff like Ronnie did at the wedding. Howard said he wasn't going to fire him but he was kind of an embarrassment. He said he's kind of like that retarded brother you're embarrassed of. Another caller said that maybe Ronnie should be replaced with Joey Boots who might appreciate his job. Howard said he doesn't have a problem with Ronnie's work, just his behavior at the party.
Howard took a call from a guy down in Tampa who said he was there at the wedding. He thought that Ralph was more of an embarrassment than Ronnie was. The guy said Ralph looked at him as if he was nothing and walked away. Howard said he had a better story about Ralph. He said Ralph has a persona of arrogance about him and it's kind of scary because he kind of looks like him. He said Ralph went over to the Dollhouse and one of the girls thought it was actually him and stared making out with him.
Howard said Doug was out to eat one morning and heard some guys talking about seeing Howard out and he was shorter and uglier than he thought he was. A friend corrected that guy and said that it was probably Ralph he had actually seen. They've been getting mistaken for each other for a while now.
Howard said that Ralph tried cutting into the buffet line at one point and when they got back to the table, he told some people that Ralph was acting like an asshole. That eventually led to Ralph hearing that and leaving the table. Robin said she didn't see him at the end of the night.
Howard took a couple of phone calls. Bobo called in and asked Howard if he got horny on the plane and banged Beth. Howard said he didn't do that and he's never done it on an airplane. Artie said there was no room to do that on the plane with all of the food they had. Howard talked about how tight things were there with Artie. He said he had to hand him his food and stuff as he was eating.
Bobo asked Howard if he got a massage down there. Howard said he didn't get one but Beth did. That led to Robin saying that she saw Tim Sabean down there getting a massage and it was shocking to see him there. Tim was afraid that she saw his penis but she said she didn't look down so she didn't see it. Gary came in and said that Robin's nipples were poking through her gown even though it was very thick.
Sal said that he was doing his Fake Howard impression when he said what he said. The guys had the audio from the show so Howard played that. In the clip Sal, as Fake Howard, says that he fucked Gary's wife in the ass. Bubba then cut him off and said that it was actually Sal, as Howard, saying that. It really wasn't all that bad but Howard said it wasn't even that good.
Howard read some notes that Sal sent him about what went on out there at the wedding with the chocolate fountain. He said that Artie as eating the donuts that he had dipped in the chocolate like it was his last day on earth. Howard said when you see Artie eating it's like watching a maestro working with an orchestra.
Gary told a story about how tired Artie was when he showed up down there. He said that they were all hanging out on Saturday when he realized that it was like 3 in the afternoon and he hadn't showed up. He tried calling Artie to make sure he was okay. He said he was going to have to get security to go check his room. He called at 5:20 in the afternoon and he was still asleep. He said Artie freaked out when he picked up the phone because he had been asleep all afternoon. They had to leave about 20 minutes from then.
Howard said that's Artie's move and he has to be treated like a little kid because he doesn't do anything on his own. Artie pointed out that maybe that's why Dana got fed up with all of that stuff. Howard said he was even holding Artie's Coca Cola on the plane for him.
Howard asked Gary about Ronnie's behavior at the wedding. Gary said that they were in Bubba's world down there and they should have been on their best behavior. Artie said that if Ronnie wasn't affiliated with their show, and he was part of Bubba's show, Bubba probably would have dropped his ass.
Sal said that Ralph was out of control down there with his arrogance. He said that he walked by him after his wife had gone to the bathroom. Ralph saw a pina colada sitting there, asked whose it was and stole it. Sal claims that he told him to just order another one and bill it to Howard's room like he does.
Howard said Richard was down there blowing a fake penis and had a fake load being blown on his face. He watched the video of that and described what was going on. That was all going on during their appearance on Bubba's show. Howard said that Sal and Richard were making out in a shower over there. They were pretending to fuck each other in the ass and stuff too. Howard said that's the gayest they've ever acted.
Howard said that Sal used to not show his penis on video but now he does it all the time. Gary wondered what they tell their girlfriends and wives after doing that stuff. They said that they probably don't know what they were doing.
Howard said he really loves Gary's wife and had a nice conversation with her. He also mentioned that Richard Christy's girlfriend has a great body. Benjy's girlfriend Sheila is very cute too and no one can figure out how he got her. He said that Benjy was acting very normal down there though. Richard said that Benjy went parasailing while they were there and it was amazing when it actually took off.
Howard told a quick story about Sal sticking his face in Steve Langford's face when they were out on Bubba's boat. They showed some video of that in the studio as that story was being told. Steve had to lay down on the boat when Bubba gunned it because he was so scared.
Howard mentioned that Tricia Helfer was there so he had to take a break and get her in there. He said it might be a bad interview because he's just having her in because she's so hot. He went to break right after that.
Howard fixed himself up and had the guys bring in Tricia. She's in the latest issue of Playboy and she's very hot. He gave her a Whoa! when she walked in. He said she probably gets that all the time. Howard told her she's great on ''Battlestar Galactica
Tricia said she got into acting when she was living in New York and it was really tough to learn her lines and stuff. She said that the lines just kind of stick after she reads the scripts over and over again. Howard said he had a hard time doing that for his movie and he's not sure he could do that in other movies. He said that most of his movie was not improvised so he had to stick to the script. He was hoping that they'd do some improvising but they didn't let him do that.
Artie said that there are some guys who can remember 4 pages of lines but it's tough. Howard got right back to Tricia and talked about how worked up he got watching some of her scenes in ''Battlestar Galactica.'' He said there must be something really wrong with him for doing that. Tricia told Howard that Edward James Olmos had directed that scene where she was being taken from behind. She said that her husband was on the set that day and it was the only day he was there.
Tricia said she's been married a little over 3 years now so Howard told her that was a waste because so many guys could be banging her. Tricia said there have been times when she had a few guys so she's had her fair share. She said her husband is an attorney so he's doing very well for himself. She said they met and started dating and he was into her pants by the third date.
Howard asked Tricia if her real sex life is as creative as she is on ''Battlestar.'' Tricia said that's not really her on the show but she definitely enjoys that side of her character in her life. She likes to role play and do things like that.
Howard checked out Tricia's pictures in Playboy and noticed that she covered up some areas. She said she didn't want to go all that far with the shots. She said she decided to do it because she had proven that she can act. Howard took a call from a guy who asked what she was wearing. Howard said she was wearing a vest with a tank top, tight jeans and thong underwear. Her shoes were purple high heels. Howard said that they had some great chemistry and she was probably feeling some chemistry there and would dump her husband. She told Howard that she could be attracted to him because she is attracted to intelligence.
Howard said that Tricia doesn't have any kids. She said she never really wanted them but she is thinking of adopting some day. She has 3 cats instead. The caller asked Tricia if she would ride the Sybian but Howard told him that she's too classy for that. He wasn't going to subject her to that.
Howard gave Tricia some plugs for her Playboy issue and then took some more phone calls. One guy said that some of the other chicks on that show are hot too so they spent a minute on that. Howard asked Tricia if she gets any bonuses from selling a certain number of copies. She said she can't get into that because of her contract with them.
Howard asked Tricia about this note he had about her kissing another woman. She said it was a curiosity thing and it was just a quick kiss. She said there was no interest after that. Howard also asked her about having sex in public. She thinks that she had it on the beach and on a balcony one time in Italy. She said that someone was right below them on another balcony. She didn't think that anyone saw them but they could have heard. She said that she sometimes talks dirty during sex but doesn't like talking that much herself. She said she likes being talked to though. Howard said it's really a turn on when a woman tells him how she wants it bad and stuff like that.
Tricia said that she's looking for some movie roles and would like to play some more serious parts. Howard said that all hot chicks want to play ugly chicks in movies. He doesn't understand that. He went on to tell her that she's very important to that show she's on and he's still watching the first couple of seasons trying to catch up on what he's missed the past few years.
Howard asked Tricia about a story where she claims that a guy was offering to buy her for a bunch of camels. She said she was out being photographed when this guy was trying to buy her. They had to put a stop to the negotiations because she could have easily been stolen away.
Howard said that Tricia is probably in good shape because she grew up on a farm. She said that she and her sisters were farm hands and did a lot of work so it probably did help. She said that she and her sisters all look very different. She told Howard about growing up on the farm and how she didn't lose her virginity until she was 16 years old. Howard said that must have been something for the guy who took her virginity.
Tricia said that she was out at a mall when someone told her she should get into modeling. That led to her getting into it and her parents have been very supportive of her the whole time. She said they actually shoot Battlestar Galactica up in Vancouver.
Howard gave Tricia a plug for the new season of Battlestar Galactica which starts this Sunday night on the Sci-Fi channel. Robin said she's been watching it all along and still likes it after these few seasons. Robin said they haven't lost their vision of what the show should be.
Jeff the Drunk called in and asked Tricia if she likes to take it up her ass. There was a bunch of ''Ohhhh!'' going on when they heard that. Tricia said that she doesn't enjoy that so, no, she doesn't. Howard took another call from a guy who asked her if she's ever been with a black guy. Howard went around the room and asked the guys what they thought and then asked Tricia. She said she hasn't had sex with a black guy but she has made out with one.
Howard asked Tricia if she would ever do a guy who offered to keep things quiet. She said that she wouldn't cheat on her husband. Howard figures that she will eventually get divorced and go to another man though. Howard asked her to come to him for revenge if her husband ever cheats on her. She said she would do that. Howard gave her a few more plugs and went to break a short time later.
Robin said that people were watching Howard and Beth at the wedding and she thinks that they are going to get married eventually. She said they were really into that whole wedding thing and she thinks they want to do it. Howard told her she's insane. He said that Robin is probably just jealous because she hasn't found the right man to marry and maybe Mr. X is the wrong man for her.
Howard had some audio clips from the wedding so he played some of those. In the first clip Howard expressed his love for Beth and said they might have announcements to make soon. Robin said that she thinks Beth was giving them details of what their wedding would be like. Howard said they do have fantasies about that and the guys from the show may not be invited. He said he'd probably just run off and get married with no one around.
Howard said that when they were at the beach there were guys walking around with metal detectors. He didn't know what that was all about so Fred told him that there's a lot of stuff to be found down there on the beaches. Howard said it looked kind of retarded and there was a guy there digging a hole like a dog. He wondered what could possibly be in there.
Howard said that if he and Beth did get married, they wouldn't invite people to the ceremony but they would invite people to a reception party. He got back to Bubba's wedding and talked about how Hulk Hogan was there and acting all serious. He had on a formal babushka on his head and covered himself up. He said he looked like he didn't want to be there.
Artie said that weddings are a really strange thing and a guy like Bubba getting married is kind of crazy. Guys like that can get laid like crazy and getting married is weird. Robin said that the preacher at the wedding was standing really close to Bubba and Heather during the ceremony. The guy was even talking about how gorgeous Heather was during the ceremony. Howard said the guy was an artist with words.
Howard said he was trying to get into dance mode at the wedding but they were playing old Elvis tunes and 50's music. He couldn't dance to that stuff. He said the band was good but they really needed some good dance tunes to get up to. He said there weren't many people dancing that night and it may have ended the party early.
Howard had some more audio clips to play so he read through some of them trying to find something good to play. He replayed the clip of Ronnie acting like an asshole during the reception party. Howard said Brent leaving the party with Artie to go watch the football game was bad, but Ronnie's behavior was awful.
Robin said that there was one part of the ceremony where the preacher had Bubba and Heather talking about what they were going to do for each other and heather was saying she promises to cook and clean for him. Bubba promised to provide. Howard said it was kind of ''cave man-ish.''
Robin said that Howard flying them down and putting them up in a hotel was a great gift. Artie said that he got kind of depressed that Dana wasn't there with him. He said she really loves them and she really would have loved that. Fred said that Artie was telling him how he was going to go parasailing and mentioned that he and Dana had done that before. Artie told Howard about how he and Dana got to do that down in Turks and Caicos and you get up like 500 feet and can see the fish swimming around. He said that the guys running the boat were kind of hitting on Dana and he figured they were going to cut his rope off so he'd float away.
Artie said that the Dollhouse was really nice but it was way crowded. He said that the girls were good looking but it was packed. Gary said that they headed over to the place and Artie kept falling asleep in the drive over. Artie said he's got something going on where he wakes up and convulses when he wakes up.
The guys spent a short time talking about the $8,000 in singles that were floating around the Dollhouse. Hook Nose Mike said that Ralph was scrounging around the floor picking up some of the singles and taking them home with him.
Howard went around the room and asked who was the biggest asshole of the weekend. He mentioned Brent and Artie leaving the reception, Ronnie's outburst, Ralph stealing the money and asked the guys who was the worst. Artie said that Ralph is the worst because he's the biggest scumbag if he really took that money. Fred said that it was a tie between Ronnie and Sal. He said that Sal doing what he did to Richard in the shower down there was just wrong. He also said that what he did to Steve Langford was wrong. Howard said you will see in the video what Sal did down there.
The guys also said that Sal let out the N-word a few times down there. Howard didn't know that but said he wants to put a stop to that word coming out of his mouth. He said he doesn't approve of that at all. Sal was calling 25 Cent the N-word and that's just wrong.
Gary said that Sal sitting on Steve Langford's head is just wrong. Howard played a clip of Sal using the N-word describing 25 Cent on Bubba's show. He just blurted it out in the wrong way saying ''I ain't sucking that N**ger's cock...'' Howard called Sal in there and told him to clean up his act. Sal agrees but he said he thinks that 25 Cent thought it was funny. He said the guy was whipping him with a towel and that's when he used that word.
Sal started to get into one of his explanations but Howard cut him off and told him to just clean up his act and stop embarrassing the show. Sal agreed and said he doesn't have any racist thoughts. Howard told him he was trying to be funny there and it just didn't work.
Sal said that he uses that word because he's comfortable with who he is. They told him that Daniel Carver is also comfortable with himself and that's why he uses his racist words.
Robin said that she thinks Sal was the biggest asshole of the weekend and she is always reminded that she's the N-word when Sal uses the word. Sal said he was just having fun but Gary said that it's fun for him, not for everyone else.
Hook Nose Mike even told Sal to straighten up and stop using that word. He said he found him to be the biggest asshole of the weekend. Howard went around the room again and got everyone's votes for who the biggest asshole was. Artie changed his vote after hearing all of this stuff and said that he'd have to vote him the biggest asshole.
Howard went to Benjy because he was feeling good about him today. Then Benjy got on mic and had no answer. Howard cut him off and said that he should have just said something. That led to the guys talking about how Richard has a real problem with drinking and he's being serious about that.
Howard said he's heard that Richard has been drinking beer every single day, even during the week. Richard said that's true but he slows it down during the week. Howard told him that he has to suck down the beer really fast trying to get to that level of drunkenness that he likes and it's really a problem. He said that he's not just a social drinker at this point.
Howard tried to tell Richard that he doesn't have to get so drunk that he walks into walls and stuff. He didn't do anything that bad down in Tampa but he's kind of worried about him. Gary said that Richard gets to a point where he starts slurring and telling everyone how much he loves them.
Howard said that his crew is way more unsophisticated than Bubba's crew is and he's not sure if he's proud of that. He said that anyone who went to that wedding has to know that they have some major problems there. Howard heard that Benjy and Richard were dancing together at the wedding and Howard TV had some of that. Howard watched some of that and the two of them were just doing some crazy antics that they didn't need to do in public.
Robin said that Richard came over to her at one point and asked her to dance with him. He was slurring his words and very sweaty so she turned him down.
Howard took a call from a guy who noticed that Ronnie was trying to steal the mic from Bubba when he got up on stage and it was very obvious. That led to the guys talking about how Ronnie accuses everyone else of the same thing but meanwhile, he's the one going up there and stealing the show.
The caller Howard had on the line asked if they had any software at SIRIUS where he could listen to the show over his phone. Howard wasn't sure about that but plugged the Stiletto and S50 models which can record. Robin said she brought her Stiletto down to the beach with her. Howard said she was all packed up with all kinds of equipment down there. She had a laptop, a DVD player and the Stiletto out at one time. He said that she was all lit up like a Borg from Star Trek or something.
Artie said that he spent some time talking to Robin's nephew down there at the wedding but he was afraid to talk to him because Robin had yelled at him the week before. She didn't want her nephew going to the Dollhouse with him.
Artie said that one of the guys who lives in his building is this guy who reviews gadgets and stuff and he's always got the coolest stuff. He said they'll even give him a Lamborghini to test drive to check out all of the gadgets in it.
Brent Hatley called in so Howard asked him if he bummed him out when he called Bubba's show to talk about how he had done Bubba wrong by walking out of the wedding. Brent said that was fine, it didn't bum him out at all. Howard also said he was shocked to hear about the cocaine stuff. Brent said he hasn't done that stuff in a long time but he started in again over the past few weekends. Howard said he appreciates his honesty and that he didn't drag Artie into it... even though he tried.
Howard said that Artie isn't the strongest guy on the planet so offering him drugs wasn't the best thing to do. That led to Artie saying that he was the bad influence on Brent and he was the one who dragged Brent out. Brent said that he's a grown man and it was both of them who left the reception.
Howard said he's proud of Artie for not doing the coke that Brent offered. Artie said that Brent wasn't really pushing him that hard to do it so he wasn't being evil or anything. Artie got upset with Howard for bringing it up on the air and then saying that it was him who brought it up.
Howard said that Bubba offering Artie the drugs he was offering was wrong too. That stuff is just as bad as heroin. Artie apologized to Brent for dragging him into everything he did. He also pointed out that they were in a cash bar after leaving the reception which was a free bar. He said that was kind of ridiculous.
Howard asked Brent if the girls that were supposed to be with Artie were upset that he didn't go with them. Brent said they hooked up with some other guy from the show and had some fun with him instead. Artie said that he got the feeling that those girls weren't into him. Brent said that they were kind of out of their element and were kind of star struck. Artie said that kind of ruined his night because he felt like he had to pay attention to the girls that night.
Howard said that Hulk Hogan gave Bubba a crystal bowl as a gift and he had 5 people there at the wedding. Five people and he gave a crystal bowl. Howard said that Bubba can't do anything with a crystal bowl. He should have given him some cash instead.
Howard wondered what the wedding cost but Brent really didn't know. Brent said that the bar tab wasn't all that crazy which surprised him. Artie suggested that Bubba use that crystal bowl as his new rattler. He thinks that everyone on Howard's show gave Bubba a better gift than Hulk did.
Howard asked Brent what he got for Bubba. Brent had to ask his wife Amanda what they gave him, he had no idea. She told him that they gave them some cooking stuff and embroidered linen. Howard told Brent that his wife's tits looked great at the wedding. That led to Brent talking about how hot all the wives of the guys from Howard's show were. Howard said he heard that one of Robin's boobs popped out or something. She said she had her picture taken and something happened. She said they never stay inside her shirt.
Artie said he had a weird moment with his driver who has been driving him for the past 5 years. He said that he forgot that it was Martin Luther King Jr. Day on Monday and told his driver he thought he was working that day. He said he told the guy that if he wasn't working he'd walk to work to make sure he didn't offend him.
Howard read an article about James Brown and they're saying that his 5 year old son been shut out of Brown's will. Howard said that's really tacky. They spent a short time on that before getting back to Bubba's wedding.
Howard played an audio clip of Bubba telling Doug Goodstein about how they all bonded with Howard and his crew and he got kind of emotional talking about that stuff. Howard admitted that his group had more assholes in it than Bubba's did. Howard continued to play Bubba's emotional speech where he thanked everyone for what they did. Then Doug pointed out he was getting teary eyed. Bubba said he never thought he'd have this opportunity he's gotten and it meant a lot to him.
Robin said they didn't talk about how cute Bubba's son was. They also talked about Bubba's father being there and how they never hear about him on his show. Brent said that Bubba didn't talk to his father too much but they patched things up a few years back. Howard said you never hear him mentioned though. Brent thinks that there's still some hostility between his mom and dad so they keep them separated on the show.
The guys were talking about Heather's boobs and how big they were. Artie said he likes the size of them and didn't think they were too big. He also said he was trying to jerk off thinking about her but he got too lazy and stopped. He said the next time he does jerk off, he will be thinking about Heather. He said he still watches old video tapes when he watches porn to get off. He's got one Tabitha Stevens movie and a Jenna Jameson video as well as a couple of others.
Howard said he woke up at 2 in the morning last night and had something to eat. He said he was laying in bed trying to sleep but he couldn't fall asleep. He took out some tissues and started thinking about some chicks that he had banged a couple of times. He was doing that but then went limp. He had realized that he had picked his nose a few minutes before and thought he might give himself a disease so he had to wash his hands. He scrubbed his hands clean, went back to bed and finished his jerking off. He had a boner within 5 seconds of washing his hands.
Robin said Bubba even got them some hand sanitizer on their table at the wedding. Howard said that was great. He really appreciated that.
Artie said that he has some go-to girls that he jerks off to and one of them is a hooker that he banged back in 2001. He said he still thinks about Dana when he jerks off too. He said he gets upset when he thinks about her because he had her and dumped her. He said when he thinks about Heather, he's going to think about her in her wedding dress and he will be fucking her from behind when he moves her panties to the side.
Artie got in a plug for Dominic's tailor who hooked him up with his suit for the wedding. The guy fit it and got it to him on time. He said the guy even sent him a couple of ties and stuff like that. He said he gave the guy two grand for helping him out with that. He said that Dominic setting it up was great. He got in a plug for that guy and said his place is called Giliberto Designs on 36th street in Manhattan. Howard said that as long as they were giving plugs, he wanted to plug this guy Howie Friedman who is a friend of his and has an article coming out soon. Robin got in a bunch of plugs for the guys who helped her out down in Florida while they were down there. She said that every parent should take their kids to the Kennedy Space Center if they go to Florida. She had a great tour with her nephew.
Benjy asked Brent about a comment he had made about possibly wife swapping with their guy Hamil. Brent said that didn't happen because they got a little too fucked up that night. Howard was going to let him go but Artie brought up the Saints and started talking football with him. Howard mentioned that Mike Ditka was going to be coming in next week so Artie was excited about that.
Howard spent a few seconds talking about the party Beth threw for his birthday but didn't linger on that. The guys talked about how Beth was showing some side boob at that party and Ralph had a nice view.
Another caller asked Artie if he's really leaving the show because there have been some articles coming out about the deal he has with FOX. Artie said that he won't be leaving the show unless FOX offers him something concrete where he'd have to fly out to California. He said that it depends on who is running the show and if someone like Sam Simon does it, he'd have to go to L.A. The caller gave Artie two words... Jackie Martling... To remind him of what happens when someone leaves the show. Artie said he knows he could fail quickly if he leaves the show but that's the kind of risks he takes.
Howard had some audio from The Best Damn Sports Show appearance that Artie made last week. He played a clip where they quiz him. They asked him some questions about what he would do to see another Yankee World Series. Artie would not give up drinking to see that. They also asked him which two people from Howard's show he would save if they were in a fire. He said it would be Gary and Fred so he would never have to wake up early again. Artie said he would not cut off his thumbs to save Derek Jeter's life because that guy has had enough pussy for 8 lifetimes... and he'd also like to continue masturbating.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he ran into Robin down there in Florida and she wouldn't talk to him. Howard said he's been in similar situations and even had a woman snapping pictures of him out by the pool at the hotel he was staying at down there and it was very rude.
Howard talked about the room he had at the hotel they stayed at. He said that the whole room shook when the elevator went up and down because it was so close. He said that Gary had a really nice room there and he was pretty excited about that. Gary said that them staying at that hotel was the worst kept secret because everyone seemed to know that they were there.
Howard said that everyone was photographing him. He said that Mutt really let him down. He said that the guy is a nice guy and he decided to let him come to his birthday party. He was snapping pictures and posting them all over SternFanNetwork. He asked Gary to call Mutt and ask him to calm down with that shit. Gary said Mutt figured it was okay to shoot while Doug was filming but Howard said he's got control over that and not over Mutt's pictures.
Gary said when he got his room at the hotel, he thought that it was the wrong one because it was too nice. He said he thought he had Howard's room. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
JD said that the sex was pretty normal with Kimberly. Howard heard that she's really into him and wonders if it baffles him as much as it baffles everyone else. JD just mumbled and laughed. Howard wanted to know more about why he only banged that chick once. He said that they were too tired to do anything and just hung out. He said they banged on the first day and he took a bath with her.
Howard asked if Kimberly's boyfriend was there too. JD said she doesn't have one. He was there for two days and only banged her once that whole time. Artie told him he's like a married straight guy or a single fruit. Artie saw some of the pictures they were showing and said she's really sexy. Artie said that she's a million times hotter than the two chicks Bubba set him up with down in Tampa.
Howard asked JD if he taped his sex for them. JD said he did not so Howard told him to get the hell out of there. JD told Howard that Jenna Jameson blew him off when he went over to talk to her at the awards show. He said the guy who was guarding her said that she was afraid that he was going to ask her weird questions. JD said she's looking way too thin these days too. He said the guy went back to ask Jenna if she wanted to talk to JD. The guy came back later and said she didn't want to talk to them and that she wasn't feeling so good so she was leaving. JD gave Jenna a ''fuck you'' after telling that story.
Howard asked JD about getting laid and what kind of positions he had her in. He said it wasn't anything that crazy but he wasn't giving enough details. Howard told him to just tell them what he was up to. JD was mumbling and laughing as he was talking about that stuff. Howard asked him if he's in love with her. JD said he's not in love with her and he swore on that. He said if he was in love, he'd quit the show and move to L.A.
Howard asked JD if they were talking romantically at all. He said that wasn't happening. They're not talking about their future or anything like that. Gary told Howard that Kimberly's ex-boyfriend was there at the AVN awards. His movie name is ''Jack the Zipper.'' Howard and the guys were goofing on JD's delivery and making fun of the way he talks for a few minutes.
Howard heard that Kimberly was jealous when he'd go and talk to other girls at the awards show. He said he's not sure if she's in love with him or not. He said he did stay in her room while he was out there. He only banged her that one time though.
The guys were checking out more pictures of Kimberly Kane and talking about how hot she was. That led to the guys talking about the kidnapping story that broke last week where they found a 15 year old kid who had been missing for 4 years. They were talking about how the kid seemed to have a lot of freedom living with the guy who he was living with but he never left his kidnapper. Robin said that the kid may not have left because he was afraid his family would be hurt. Howard said he wasn't wanted when he was a kid and no kidnapper would have taken him.
Howard congratulated JD on his weekend and let him go. He wondered if that chick could possibly be into JD. Artie said he wins if he's getting laid with that chick. He said she's not trying to get on the show through him or anything like that so she must be into him.
Howard was about to let Mutt go and told him he'll see him at his Birthday party in 2011. Artie said that was Mutt's second mistake of the year. The first was when he brought his wife to their private meeting. Howard said he must have known on some level that he shouldn't post those pictures on the web. Howard told him to feel free to ask him before doing that kind of thing again.
Howard moved on to Steve Langford who apparently had his rib broken by 25 Cent down there in Tampa. Steve said he's not sure it's broken but there was a strange moment on Saturday evening. He said 25 Cent gave him a hug and it got tighter and tighter and then he heard a snap. He figures he might have a broken rib now. Howard said that is a strange thing but he used to hug his dad so tight that he'd bruise his ribs. He
Howard talked about how Steve showed up out on the beach in full clothes asking him questions about what was going on down there. Howard said he just told Steve that there's nothing to say and he must have 20 hours of tape of him saying the same thing. He said that Steve was working hard down there though and did cover a lot of stuff. He congratulated him on that and then asked him what they had coming up today. Steve said that they have a lot of coverage of the Bubba wedding. They'll be talking about how everyone was acting down there. They will also cover the tender moments that happened at the wedding and all of that good stuff.
Howard said he heard that Robin was going around telling people that there's going to be a wedding within a year. Artie said he was part of that discussion and they figure that a year or year and a half and Howard is done. Steve got back to his news report but Howard interrupted and asked him who he thinks was the biggest asshole down there this weekend. Steve hadn't thought about it so he wasn't quite sure. Fred said that Bubba's son was on the boat when Sal put his ass on Steve. Sal was yelling about how the kid didn't see anything. Ronnie came in and said that the kid was right next to him when he did it though.
Howard said that Sal's asshole was right on Steve's face. He asked Steve for an answer but Steve said no one was an asshole. He said he understands his point but from a news man's point of view, it was all good. The Howard TV guys showed some video of Ronnie dirty dancing at the reception. Howard said he's lucky he didn't get killed. She was really hot according to the guys. Howard said he can see why he got so worked up but he did get pretty carried away.
Doug Goodstein came in and said that the girl's boyfriend was an ext wrestler who could have kicked Ronnie's ass but the guy really didn't care. Doug said he asked the guy to body slam the guy but he refused because it was all in good fun. Doug said he thinks she's a personal trainer and he wouldn't mind if she came in and trained them all.
Howard told Robin another story about Ronnie. This time it was Ronnie and Richard at the Dollhouse getting lap dances. Richard went over to one really hot chick and told her that Ronnie was his grandpa. He asked the girl to give him a really good lap dance. The girl found it hard to believe but he tried convincing her that it really was his grandpa. Ronnie said Richard didn't leave him alone the whole weekend.
Bobo called in and asked if Artie tried hitting on Brooke Hogan. Artie said he spoke to her briefly but there was no chance that was going to happen. Howard told him she's too tall for him anyway so it wouldn't work. Howard got distracted and said he couldn't get the ''Black Tits'' song parody out of his head the whole weekend. Fred played that song and Howard said he kept singing it the whole time they were away.
Bobo asked Howard how Robin looked at the wedding. He said she's no spring chicken but she looked very good. He said that she might have been one of the hottest looking chicks at the wedding. Beth was number one of course.
Ralph called in and said that there was a chick there in a red dress who was really hot. Artie agreed, he saw that chick too. Robin said that Spice Boy, one of Bubba's guys, is dating that Miss Nevada chick who lost her title.
Howard told Ralph that he was a bit of an asshole down there in Tampa this weekend. He brought up how he had taken some money from the floor of the Dollhouse and used that to pay some girls. Ralph had a different story and said that he was talking to one of the girls and asked about the money that was on the floor. She said she felt weird about picking it up herself so he picked it up for her and told her not to feel so weird about it. He wasn't using it to pay the girl, he just picked it up for her.
Ronnie said he had a weird experience with one of Bubba's guys. He said this big black guy who takes pictures for Bubba's web site came in and said he'd be honored to have a lap dance next to him. Ronnie let him sit there but later on he vanished and didn't pay the stripper so he had to take care of it himself.
Howard had Steve finish up his news report and then had Jon Hein give his show preview. Jon talked about the stuff they'll be discussing on The Wrap Up Show today. He said they'll be talking about the Biggest Asshole award, JD's visit to the AVN awards and a couple of other things that went on this morning. Howard had Robin start her news after that.
Robin read through a bunch of stories and then Howard played a few audio clips from the Golden Globe Awards. He had one clip of Jaime Foxx talking to some of the other black people in the audience... but no whites. Howard also said that Sacha Baron Cohen (Borat) made a speech and came prepared. He had some funny lines about his co-star and how he had seen some of the dark side of America... His co-stars balls and ass. Howard said he wasn't going to play all of the clips.
Howard said that it kind of pisses him off that some of the presenters at the awards are the daughters of celebrities. He said that just rubs him the wrong way and maybe they should give someone else a chance. He was also talking about how Angelina Jolie has gotten way too skinny lately and she's also been acting kind of cunty when she makes appearances. She refuses to talk and when she goes out in public.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he thinks that Ralph is the biggest asshole on the show. He also said that Ralph is the guy who is probably going to take over the show and ride his coattails when he retires. Ralph was on the phone so Howard asked him what he wanted. Ralph said that Cameron Diaz seems to have hit the wall. He saw her on the Golden Globes. He also said that Gena Davis looked horrible on that show. He also thought that Drew Barrymore actually looked good on that show.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that he thinks the biggest asshole down there in Tampa was Ned. He said he apparently ran into the back of Brooke Hogan's car down there at the wedding.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Mutt seems to be the biggest asshole of the weekend because he should know that Howard doesn't like his picture being taken and yet he posted pictures from his private party on his web site. Howard said that wasn't the right thing to do but he didn't have much of anything else to say about it. He had Robin continue her news after that. She wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 11:05am.
Howard said he felt like he was on the air all night because he called into Bubba's show yesterday. He said he was on with Ronnie the Limo Driver talking to him about what he did at Bubba's wedding. He said Ronnie was screaming about what he did and trying to explain it and he keeps doing that over and over again. Howard and Robin said that Bubba wasn't upset with him but that's only because it was Ronnie from the Howard Stern Show. If it was anyone else, Bubba would have been upset.
Artie talked about this guy Russ Saulsberg who does sports in the New York area because he reminds him of Ronnie the way he confronts people on the air. Howard said Ronnie used to give him a hard time back in the days when he was driving. He said Ronnie hates driving but that was his job. He said he'd throw something in as a surprise and it would freak him out.
Howard heard a report that Artie was beating up the candy vending machine this morning. Artie said he just gave it a nice smack because his peanut M&Ms wouldn't drop out. He said the machine looks archaic and it doesn't push out the candy the way it should.
Ronnie brought in some cupcakes for Artie since his chocolate chip cookies weren't in the vending machine this morning. Artie said that he has to get at those cupcakes early before some of the other guys get to them. Howard suggested to Artie that he put some of those peanut M&Ms into the cupcakes. Artie said that they've done that before. He got back to the vending machine and said that someone out there thought he was beating someone up when they heard the machine being hit. He ended up getting beat for a dollar.
Howard said he was home a lot because his stomach has been bothering him since he got back from the wedding. He said Ross' wife Melissa was puking since then as well so he's not sure what they might have gotten. The guys tried to figure out what they ate that could have caused the problem. Howard said he had some shrimp but he said they were boiled.
the caller asked Howard if he has his own car. Howard said he does, he has two cars. The caller gave Howard an F-Jackie so Howard let him know that he's got his own show now. He said Riley Martin also had a show last night. The caller was wondering if they have any of Robin's tit hanging out pictures up on his web site. Howard said they will have a lot of pictures but he didn't mention the tit picture that the guy was talking about. Howard also said that they'll have video from the wedding up on Howard TV this week.
Howard talked about watching Artie trying to get off the jet ski he was riding over the weekend. He said that he used to be such an athletic guy and it was painful to watch him trying to get off of that thing. Artie said it was kind of hard to balance himself on that thing. Richard came in and said that the wave runner must have sunk 2 feet when Artie got on it.
Howard mentioned that Richard's girlfriend has a great body. Artie said she's a former intern who was there about 3 years ago. Howard mentioned that Richard wears his bathing suit a little high when he's out on the beach. Richard said he does that to cover up his ''gock'' which is the area near his pubic area.
Howard said he had to turn the heat off in his apartment because it makes so much noise. Then he got cold and now he feels all groggy from the Ambien. Robin said that Bubba must take something to wake himself up after taking the Ambien every night.
Artie said that his worst enemy is back... American Idol. Howard said he only watched about 15 minutes of it and got kind of bummed out. Some of the people on the show were kind of sad to watch because they can kind of sing and then they suck and they get pounded by the judges. Howard thinks that Paula Abdul has something seriously wrong with her. Artie said he considered watching the show just because so many people watch it every year. He wanted to get a few jokes here and there by watching it since it is so big.
Howard said he'd actually like to stop watching American Idol so he can just play chess. He said he can't have any distractions when he's playing chess. He said he felt so crappy yesterday that he just went to bed early and put on some Battlestar Galactica. He felt so much better when he did that. Gary said he wished he had time to do that but he's busy with his kids.
Gary said that he heard a claim on American Idol last night when they said that the show is responsible for 100 number one albums. He couldn't figure out that claim and thought it was bullshit. The guys talked about the opening song of American Idol which was The Who's ''Baba O'Reilly.'' They figure The Who is going to make a lot of money for that.
Gary also told Howard that if he does end up getting married, they have tape of him promising to give Robin a million bucks if he did. Howard said he won't get married then. Robin said she would let Howard out of that bet if it does happen.
Howard said he got a note from Sam Simon who told him about this picture of John Belushi he had where it almost looked like he was waving goodbye in it. He had the e-mail and Sam was saying that it looked eerily like the old Belushi picture when he was waving goodbye. Howard said Sam was comparing the two and thought Artie looked like he was doing the same thing. Howard showed the pictures to Robin and she sounded shocked by it.
Howard said that this weight gain that Artie has could be his whole Belushi thing that Artie is into. Maybe he's trying to kill himself with food or something. Robin told Artie that the picture of him is scary. It should be telling him to stop eating so much.
Howard said that on the Wrap Up Show Artie was talking about how he was trying to beat off to Bubba's new wife. Bubba put out an offer to Artie to have his wife call Artie and have phone sex with him. He talked to Bubba about that on his show yesterday, he didn't know that Bubba had already made that offer to Artie on the Wrap Up Show. Howard played a clip from that show where Artie accepted Bubba's offer. Howard told Artie that he has to go through with it and tape the whole thing.
Artie said he's never really done something like that so he'd have to have her walk him through it. Howard picked up his megaphone and tried to walk him through it a little bit. It wasn't working because Artie didn't seem to know how to have phone sex. Artie said that doing it with Howard was very creepy. He wasn't playing along. Howard ended up doing both voices, Heather and Artie, as if they were having phone sex.
Artie figures that Heather would be really good at phone sex because she seems kind of sexual. Howard continued to do his impressions and had Heather finding Brent's watch inside her pussy... and then finding Spice Boy and 25 Cent inside there as well. Howard told the guys to help Artie get the whole technical side of that thing down so he can record the call.
Artie said he's never really had phone sex with anyone before. Howard said he did it once but he felt like a fool after doing it. Howard said he gets the feeling that Heather was a stripper at one time and he'd almost bet that she was. He said he'd have to talk to Bubba about that and find out if she was. Howard figures a bunch of the guys in the studio want that chick.
Artie said that he did a movie one time and he thought that Rebecca Gayhart was into him when he shot a movie with her one time. He said that she went out with Brett Ratner at one time and he looks just like him so he figured he could have had her back then. Then a few years later she was with some good looking dude so he figured she gave up on the fat guy thing.
Howard brought up how Angelina Jolie has been refusing to answer questions that she's asked these days. He said he saw her being interviewed by Ryan Seacrest recently and she wasn't answering him. That led to Howard talking about how lame Ryan Seacrest is. He said that he gets paid to lob softball questions at that chick and anyone could do that job, even Benjy.
Howard spent a short time making fun of Ryan Seacrest's delivery. He said he hates reading that the E! network is paying him like $4 million to do his show over there. He said they have no ratings on E! these days and he just doesn't understand that whole thing. He got back to the Angelina Jolie thing and said that she was being very cunty when she was being interviewed.
He said that Evangeline Lilly made a speech at the Golden Globes and said she wants to get out of the business already. Howard and Robin said that would be fine, they're sick of her already. Howard mentioned a few other things he noticed on that show.
Howard and Robin talked about how Beth is into Sacha Baron Cohen and that she was kind of bummed that she missed him when he was up there visiting last year. Howard said that Beth must be into really vile looking guys or something. He was looking into the mirror the other day and thinking about how ugly he is.
Howard said he knows that there's something wrong with marriage. He said he was looking at some statistics saying that there's a lot of women living alone and that's thanks to them making a good living on their own. Howard said that his relationship with Beth is kind of like a marriage since they do live together. He said being married might make it easier for Beth with her family.
Howard told Robin that he wouldn't invite her to the wedding if he had one. He said the cackling would drive him nuts. She told him that she'd love to be there though because she would laugh. Artie asked Howard what his fantasy was when he got divorced. Howard said he thought that he would date various women after the divorce and he'd just tell them that he wasn't going to get married again. That should have kept the women from staying with him. He said that Beth took him by surprise and stays with him whether he gets married or not.
Robin said she knew that he was going to hook up with one woman and stick with her. Howard said everyone knows that she knew, she doesn't have to rub it in.
Howard talked about how it took him a few weeks to stop with his dating when he first met Beth. He didn't want to give all of that up at the time. He did call the woman he was seeing at the time and let her know what was going on with Beth. He said he told this woman that he wouldn't feel right leading that woman on if he was going to start dating Beth regularly. He said that this other woman was a great friend but he couldn't keep her because that wouldn't fly with Beth.
Howard said he found something else odd at Bubba's wedding. He said they had a great place and great food. He said he walked in and saw these two big, dead fish on the table at the buffet and it was very disturbing. He also said that the sushi bar had more dead fish with faces on them and he just doesn't understand that.
Howard said he went to a seafood restaurant and they had some fish in a tank and wondered if people really want to see the fish swimming around before they eat them. He said he just doesn't get that. Howard said he got sick watching Artie eating his steak on the flight back from Florida too. The steak was kind of rare according to Artie. He said he usually eats it medium rare, not as rare as that was.
Howard played some audio of Ryan Seacrest interviewing Evangeline Lilly about her fame. She talks about how she will leave the industry at some point because she doesn't want to be an actress for the rest of her life. Howard wondered why she'd do an interview if she doesn't want to be a famous actress.
Howard said that he kind of misses Rick Dees now that Ryan Seacrest is out there. He said that guy just lobs softball questions at celebrities and he doesn't like it. He said he never did like Rick Dees' wife doing her lame impressions and stuff but he wasn't as lame as Ryan is. That led to Howard doing his impression of Rick's wife doing her lame impressions that all sounded the same. He said that at least Rick had bits and stuff that he did on his show. Ryan Seacrest doesn't even do that.
Howard played another Ryan Seacrest interview where he was asking Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie some softball questions. Angelina wasn't saying much of anything while Brad Pitt actually had some things to say. Howard said Ryan should have gotten some balls and asked Brad why he broke up with Jennifer Aniston.
Howard wondered who would win in an ass eating contest, Larry King, Jay Leno or Ryan Seacrest. He said that all three of them are the biggest ass kissers on TV. He asked Artie who he would pick. Artie went with Ryan Seacrest. He said that guy is flat out ass kissing all the time. Robin said that she had to agree with Artie because Larry King has been around a long time and she's used to it. Jay Leno is lame but not as sickening as Ryan. Fred said that he would pick both Jay Leno and Ryan Seacrest because they're very similar. He said that Jay used to have more balls but not anymore. He then put Jay in front of Ryan and said he's really lost his balls and is a bigger ass kiss than Ryan.
Howard continued to goof on Ryan's delivery and talked about how lame the interview was that he did with Angelina and Brad. He brought up Rick Dees again and said he almost wrote that guy a note asking him what happened to his career. That led to them talking about how bad his TV show was years ago. Howard said it was so bad that it was good. He asked the guys what they thought was the best, worst TV show ever. He named a few like Johnny B on the Loose, Magic Johnson's show, Solid Gold with Rick Dees, The Byron Allen Show and others. They figured it was probably the Magic Johnson show because Howard used to play clips from that show every morning for a while. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard asked Artie if he had chocolate or something because he could smell it. Benjy had some big salad working over in his corner so that might have been what he was smelling. Howard asked him if he could just not eat for one morning. Benjy said he could but Robin said that once he starts, it never stops over there. Howard said Benjy's salad was drenched in dressing but Benjy said that it wasn't dressing, it was Tabasco sauce. Howard called him an asshole and told him to go back to eating.
Artie said he feels bad for Fred because both he and Benjy are so gross this year. Artie said that George Flowers always has advice for them telling them to cut out the soda pop.
Howard had AJ Benza on the phone. AJ was calling in on a cell phone which bummed Howard out. He wanted to hear him on a regular phone. He told Will to call him back so he can actually hear the guy. He should know better by now.
Howard said he saw the movie Rocky Balboa and AJ has a big part in the movie. He said the movie isn't very good even though it's a big hit. He said the script is light on plot and you don't give a shit about any of the characters in it. He said that AJ was a really good actor in it though. He said he plays the manager of the black guy that Rocky fights. He was shocked by how good he was. AJ was back on the phone at that point and said that acting is very easy.
Howard asked AJ if he got a lot of money for that. AJ said he should make some good money down the road. He figures the residuals should be good in a few years. Howard asked him if he was wearing a toupee in the movie because he looked like he had a full head of hair. AJ said it wasn't a toupee, they just had stuff in his hair to make it look full. Howard said he didn't recognize AJ at first but then his voice was so recognizable that he knew it was him.
Howard said AJ looked thinner and he wasn't all coked up in the movie. AJ said he's got two kids and a wife now, he doesn't do coke. He doesn't even go out looking for weed anymore either. He said he and his wife will go out once in a while and party but it's not all that crazy. Howard asked him what he's doing for money these days. AJ has a poker game on the Game Show Network which is on weekly. He said they hired him thinking he knew about poker even though he had never played before.
Howard brought up the feud that AJ and Donald Trump had years ago. AJ was saying that Donald is right about Rosie O'Donnell and he's glad that he came out against her. He's on Trump's side in the whole thing. Howard said he's kind of bummed that Trump didn't call into his show during that whole thing. They've always been supporters of his.
AJ said that he moved recently and the movers stole his SIRIUS radio. Howard got a laugh out of that quick story. Howard got back to the Rocky movie and said some negative things about it. AJ said that you just can't shit on that movie because it was too good. Artie said that he's dying to see that movie. Robin said if he was dying to see it, he would have seen it already, it's been out a while already.
AJ talked about the day Mike Tyson showed up to the set to do his one scene. He said the guy was out of his mind but didn't get into very many details about that. He did bring up another story about Janice Dickinson and Sylvester Stallone that he reported on years ago. He lost his place in his story and didn't know where he was going with it so Howard asked him some questions about his acting career.
AJ told the guys he went in for his audition and heard that Sylvester asked for him to audition. He said he read some lines with Sylvester and screwed them up so Sylvester got on his ass and goofed on him in front of a bunch of people. He said while that was going on, Sylvester was drinking a bottle of Sylvester Stallone water. He said that was when he knew it was a big Hollywood moment.
Howard asked AJ if he still goes to the strip clubs. AJ said he goes and his wife goes with him. Howard figures his wife must be hot because he used to get a lot of hot chicks. AJ said she is very hot and she's got a kid that she had when she was young.
AJ thanked Howard for giving him the advice to get married to calm himself down. AJ said that now he has a young daughter, everything he did to a girl on a date makes him sick.
Howard gave AJ a plug for his 'High Stakes Poker' show that airs on the Game Show Network (GSN). He said he should watch the show because he's a big poker fan. AJ said that he and Gabe Kaplan host the show together. Howard said that Gabe Kaplan became a big gambler and a good one. Howard said the show airs Monday nights at 10 on GSN. He let AJ go a short time later.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he actually thought the Rocky Balboa movie was great. Howard spent a little time talking about the script and how bad he thought it was. He said Stallone could have developed the stories a little better.
Howard played the clip where Sal explains himself and why he can't look Howard in the face without thinking that he's wasting his time. Sal came into the studio and Howard asked him if that's true. Sal said that's the feeling he gets when he walks into the studio. Howard said that he does think Sal is an asshole because he's always sucking his balls when he talks to him.
Howard said he'd be fine if he didn't talk to Sal off the air. Sal said if he doesn't talk to Howard he can't put his foot in his mouth. Will came in and told Howard that Sal is upset about a thank-you note he got from him because he didn't spend time using the correct punctuation. Howard called Sal an asshole when he heard that. Howard said he sat down and wrote those notes to people and felt creepy for sending one to Sal because he figured he was going to save it forever. He told him to rip up that note and get it out of his house.
Howard asked Sal where his note is now. Sal said it's in his e-mail. Howard then remembered that he e-mailed him the note because he didn't want him keeping the note in his house forever. Sal was telling Howard how good he looked down in Florida. He said his wife thought he looked good too.
Howard said he was feeling good about Sal when he was talking to his wife. He said Sal's wife is so attractive that he figured he must have something going on. Artie told Sal to just calm down and appreciate that he's working on this great radio show. Howard said he applauds Sal on his work at the show and he was going to replay the Gary the Retard phone call which was great.
Howard said he was down in Florida and ran into Fred when he was going out for a run. He spent a short time talking to Fred but he thought he had to go out and do his run. Beth later told him that he didn't need to run away from him because they had nothing to do down there. Howard said he spoke to his shrink about that and they figured out that Fred is so important to him that he just doesn't want to deal with it. He said he loves Fred but he can't stick around and talk to the guy.
Howard said he gets bored talking to Fred and he just can't stick around and bullshit with him. He said that he really does like Fred though. Howard said he has no problem talking to Ross Zapin because he gossips and talks about pussy and stuff like that. Sal comes up to him and talks about the number of subscribers. Howard said that Sal just kisses his ass every time he talks to him and he can't take that. Sal got into all of that again explaining why he was talking to him about the subscriber numbers. Sal thinks that Howard has brought in about 95 percent of the subscribers that SIRIUS has brought in over the past couple of years.
Howard took a call from a guy who told Howard that he thinks Sal is like a stalker and he should be careful with this guy. That led to them talking about this performer Selena who was killed by a stalker. Fred told Howard that the woman who killed Selena was Yolanda SALdevar. That led to Howard calling Sal ''Saldevar.'' He replayed the Gary the Retard call that Sal and Richard created.
Howard said if he goes up to 200 pounds, he gets a belly. He said if it looks flabby and big, he feels really gross. He said he starts looking way to thin if he loses too much weight. Robin told him he looks good right where he's at but Lisa thinks that he's lost too much. Howard said maybe he should gain a few pounds but Robin told him to stay right where he is. She thinks he looks good right now.
Artie asked Lisa ''What's in the fuckin news?'' so he could get her out of there. Lisa moved on to her news preview and said that they have the Howard TV Stupid Bowl coming up for the Super Bowl half time show. Howard said that they have five of their guys and five drag queens playing a game of football. Sal, JD, Jason, Richard and Siobhan all take on the drag queens. Jon Hein and Will do the play-by-play. Howard said that no one knows the outcome yet because Doug Goodstein wants everyone to watch it on TV. Howard said he saw pictures from the event and it looks very funny. He also said that Crackhead Bob is another one of the play-by-play announcers.
Howard said that one of the drag queens looks hot. He showed the guys his picture and said he almost looks like a chick. Robin said that there's a tranny super model in Thailand that is so good looking that guys think he's a chick.
Howard said that Benjy looks just like the guy, Michael Devlin, who kidnapped the boy in Missouri. He said he has to put up the pictures on his web site to show how similar they look.
Lisa G got back to her news preview and said she spoke to Bubba the Love Sponge's new wife about everything that went on down there. She said they'll have that on the news today. Howard asked her to look into what she used to do for a living. Robin heard that she used to be a school teacher but Howard found that hard to believe.
Lisa said that they have a Page 69 story about JD taking home some porn and going to a store and having the security alarm go off when he walked in. Security had to go through his bad and found the porn. Howard said this guy has the worst loser luck. He called him in there to find out what happened.
JD said he had some porn in his bag and went into a Barnes and Nobel and the alarm went off when he walked over to the DVD section. A security guard came over to him and asked to look through his bag. He had a bunch of porn movies in there and the security guy just went ''Whoa!'' when he saw them all. JD said he explained to the guy that he works on the Howard Stern Show and he got the videos there from the ''glom pile.''
Howard asked JD if he was wearing the same clothes he was wearing at the Stupid Bowl. JD said he was wearing the same clothes and he never went home last night. He said he had a lot of stuff to work on so he actually slept there at the studio. Howard said it's no wonder he can't talk. He said he had some tape of him trying to do some interviews out at the AVN awards and he could barely speak.
Howard played a clip of JD trying to do one of those AVN award interviews and he was having a major problem trying to get his thoughts out. The woman he was interviewing actually saved him and answered his question before he was done stumbling. Howard wondered what was wrong with this guy.
Robin said she was talking to JD about how he spent his Christmas and found out that his mother had run off to Hawaii with some guy she met on the internet at some point. JD didn't know she was going to bring that up on the air. He said he hasn't spoken to his mother in a few weeks but he claims he's not pissed off at her. He said he hasn't really seen her since he graduated from film school. He said he can't afford to go visit her in Hawaii and she can't really afford to fly back to New York.
Howard tried to figure out how the conversation may have gone between JD's mother and this Hawaiian guy. He wondered if the guy has one of those grass skirts. Robin laughed and JD thanked her for bringing all of this stuff up. He was being sarcastic of course. Robin said that she walked away from that conversation just thinking ''Oh my god... poor JD.'' Fred was playing some Don Ho music in the background as Howard was goofing on JD's mother and the Hawaiian guy. JD said he really doesn't think about the whole thing that much.
Howard read that JD's mother was a healer. JD said that's not true, she's an occupational therapist. Howard got back to the JD interview tape and went through a little more of that. He interviewed a black porn star and then went and interviewed some gay porn stars who were all over him. JD said that they were trying to pull down his pants and stuff. Howard played some of that and thought that was pretty crazy. The guy was unbuckling his belt as he was trying to interview them.
Howard took a call from JD's mom but it turned out to be Sal doing his Hawaiian guy impression while playing a porn clip. JD knew it was Sal. Howard got back to JD's Hawaii story and asked him more details about his long lost mother. He asked JD if he's told his mother he's banging Kimberly Kane. JD said he hasn't told her that. That eventually led to Howard and Artie saying that JD would probably turn into Curly from the Three Stooges if he showed up on his mother's doorstep in Hawaii. Fred started playing some Curly clips and Artie was doing his Curly impression during all of that. Howard thought JD was crying during that goof but JD said he was just laughing.
Howard played another JD clip where he talks to the gay guys about getting pissed on. The guy he was talking to said it was crazy but funny when the other guy started pissing on him. JD sounded more relaxed talking to that guy than he did with the female porn star he was talking to.
Howard thought it was weird that JD's mother doesn't come back to visit her family. JD said that she's not rich so she can't just fly around all the time. Howard said he'd pay for her to fly back if he wants. JD said that's not necessary, he's not looking for that. Howard asked him if he knows what this guy does for a living. JD said he thinks that he works with computers but he wasn't so sure about that.
Howard played a prank call the guys made to a toy store using clips of JD talking dirty to a porn star. He got back to JD a short time later and continued to goof on him about his mother running off to Hawaii. Artie started doing more of his Curly impression and Fred played more of the Three Stooges clips. Howard wondered if JD had ever cried over it. JD claims he has never cried over the situation but Howard found that hard to believe. Artie asked him if it bugs him that he drinks Hawaiian Punch. JD said he likes that stuff to, it doesn't bother him.
JD said that he thinks his mother is going to try and move back to the mainland eventually. They may move to Florida or somewhere like that. That got Howard doing his impression of JD's mom telling him that she's moving to Florida and then JD doing the Curly from the Three Stooges thing. Artie got in on that goof again and helped Howard goof on him. Fred even got into it and did his impression of the Hawaiian guy. Howard said he had no idea this was going on. He said JD is an interesting cat. He said it was cool that he got laid over the weekend. He also said that it's no wonder JD likes chicks on the web because it runs in the family.
Howard got back to the porn story that JD was telling. JD said he thinks he had 4 or 5 pornos in his bag when he got busted by security. He said there were balls and tits on the side of the box the security guy found. He said he had enough porn in the bag to stretch it out a little bit. Howard let JD go a short time later but continued to goof on him as he was walking out. Fred played the Hawaiian music as Howard was talking about how gross it was that JD hadn't changed his clothes since the football game.
Lisa G wrapped up her news preview and said that maybe they'll give JD's mother a call and interview her. Howard told her to leave that up to him, he might be more sensitive than the news department. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard told Artie to just go back and go to sleep if he wanted. Artie said that yesterday he went home and slept all afternoon and then he wasn't able to sleep at night. He was just tired today and had to rest in the green room. Howard said he took an hour long nap yesterday and that's what screwed him up for the night. That's why he had to take the Ambien.
Howard got a hold of an audio clip of Bubba the Love Sponge from 1989 when he was working at a black station and was doing a weird black thing on the air. He said that guy has had some shit radio jobs and he's glad he never had to do that kind of stuff. Artie reminded Howard about the rap song that Bubba put out too.
Howard played through this news report that Bubba was doing with a real black guy on the phone. Robin wondered why they were doing it together. That led to Artie wondering if Bubba tells the truth about his age because in 1989 that would have made Bubba 22 years old. Howard said he could imagine that being right. He said that being in the Chicago market at the age of 22 is pretty impressive.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he remembers hearing Bubba doing that black thing on the station back then and he knew it was a white guy pretending to be a black guy. Howard said he thinks he could do a better affect than Bubba did. He asked Fred for some rap music so he could do his impression. He did a little bit but it wasn't any blacker than Bubba's impression.
Howard tried doing his Mama Lookaboobooday character that he used to do back at WNBC. He did that for a short time. He said he felt he sounded black doing that impression. The caller said he thought he sounded black too but Robin told them that Howard sounded about as black as the guy on the phone. Howard figured he could pick up that accent again if he went back to some black neighborhoods.
Howard said the guys pulled up an old Mama Lookaboobooday clip from WNBC so he played that to show how good his black accent was back then. Mama talked about how they wanted to rename Nebraska to Neblackska and having only blacks living there so they could make changes. They'd like to get rid of flesh colored band-aids and replace that with black electrical tape. Things like that.
Howard said he's kind of lost that accent over the years but he hasn't been in the black neighborhoods in a while. He tried doing the impression again but he didn't quite have it down like he did back at NBC. He and Robin had a discussion about James Brown and Howard stayed in his Mama character during that.
Howard said he had some tape of Richard Christy getting taken off of an airplane in a wheel chair because he was so drunk. Gary came in and said that Richard was on his way down there when this happened. Howard said there was no sound, only video, so he described it to everyone. He said Richard was so messed up and they had to stick him into a cab. Howard said he doesn't get why anyone would do that to themselves. Artie said that Richard is definitely an alcoholic.
They had to take Richard out of the wheelchair and slide him into the cab. Richard said he's freaked out by flying and that's why he drinks so much. Howard also said he heard that Richard peed on Sal when they were on Bubba's show. They had a picture of that as well. Howard said that's the picture of the century and they really need to get that on Howard TV. Artie said it was funny but he sounded kind of bothered by what he saw. Howard said Richard is holding his dick and pissing on Sal and Sal doesn't realize it.
Howard told Richard he really should watch the drinking because he goes way too far. Robin said he changes when he drinks and he kind of wobbles when he walks.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Bubba may have been born in 1964 so he may be shaving a couple of years off his life. The guys spent a minute on that story but didn't dwell on it too long.
Howard said Richard took one of the Jewish songs that Gilbert Gottfried sang on the show recently and put it to music. Howard said Richard is good at that stuff. He said he had a lot of other stuff to get to as well. He had some audio from Artie's Conan O'Brien appearance. He said he was going to play it up to the pig story start but they've already heard that story so he didn't want to go through that.
Bobo called in and asked Artie if he would give up on drinking soda and eating cupcakes for a year. Artie said he tried to give up the soda but that only lasted for 2 days. He's also not sure who would pay him to lose weight. He said he's really worse than he's ever been at this point in his life.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he thought the JD bit they did earlier was great and it was definitely worth it for him to up his subscription for another year. The caller also requested a bit that they did one time when Howard went off on Scott the Engineer during an off-the-air commercial recording. Howard said that was genuine too because he really didn't want to be there.
Howard had asked Fred to play the Sam Kinison song ''The Sounds of Kinison'' that a caller requested yesterday. Fred had forgotten to play it so he had him do it at this point instead. Fred went right into the song and tried to find that other bit that the caller was looking for where Howard freaked out in the recording studio.
Howard said that song gets him every time. He was hoping to go into the other bit for a ''Two-fer Tuesday'' but Fred said they couldn't find the bit that the caller was looking for. Howard said it's a real shame that Sam is gone... but they still have Dane Cook. Artie said he can't even joke like that. Howard said he doesn't know Dane Cook. Artie said Dane Cook isn't his cup of tea but it's hard to make fun of him because he is so popular. The guy played the Garden twice in one night and sold like 36,000 tickets for one night. Artie said he's sold maybe 5,000 tickets from being on this show but that guy can sell 36,000.
Gary asked Bob if he's straight because he kind of heard a wispy thing going on with his speech. Howard told Gary that he shouldn't talk about that kind of stuff. He said he doesn't care if this guy is gay or not. He told Gary he always messes up his momentum when he does that stuff. Fred played some Baba Booey song parodies and Howard continued to goof on him about the comment he made. Howard apologized to Bob for Gary's dopey comment.
Bob said he had some more games to play if they wanted to do that. He had one where they try to figure out if Artie is too heavy. Bob said he also has another game where they have to figure out if a movie got a better review than Artie's movie.
Howard said this guy reminds him of Beth's brother and he likes him for some reason. Howard ended up talking about how scared he is of getting married to Beth because he'd have another family. There were days when Howard would say that he would never get married again but now he's thinking about it. Gary remembered Howard telling him he was retarded for even asking him if he wanted to get married. That led to Robin bringing up the kid thing and Howard talking about how he can't have kids again. He doesn't have the energy to have another kid. Robin said she can see Howard carrying his new baby around in a pappose. Howard wanted to get to the Artie games and forget about that crap.
Howard talked about how his friend Pat just had his second kid and the guy is always walking around coughing and worn out. Gary said that Brian Phelan is also one of those guys who is wiped out now that he's got another kid. Robin was goofing on Howard about having a kid but he really didn't want to hear that from her.
Gary told Bob to play the game where they figure out if Artie is too heavy for an occupation or activity. Bob was ready to go but the guys were still talking about Beth maybe getting pregnant some day. Howard said she was going out to do a shoot for Extra TV and was showing her boobs and her great body in the outfit she was wearing.
Howard got back to the game and Bob asked if Artie is too heavy to join the NYPD. Everyone figured he was too heavy. He's got to be around 290 pounds. Howard wanted him to get on the scale but Artie didn't want to get up from his seat. Howard told him to just get up. Artie threatened to talk about his future kids if he doesn't stop pushing him. Howard thinks that he's at 300 pounds but Artie said it's 290 pounds. Gary thinks he's at around 292 pounds. Artie kept saying that he wanted to do the weigh in at the end of the bit. Howard kept asking him to do it but he kept refusing.
Artie finally agreed to go get on the scale. It shot up to 296 pounds! Artie blamed that on the turtleneck shirt he was wearing. He deducted 2 pounds for the shirt. Howard just laughed. Gary said that Artie was down to 283 pounds just recently when they came back from Christmas vacation. Artie said he now knows what it feels like to be 300 pounds so he can tell people that. Sal told Howard that the documented weight of Chris Farley when he died was 296 pounds.
Howard got back to the game and everyone said that there's no way Artie could join the NYPD. Bob said that he could join but he would have to pass an obstacle course. The guys said that Artie might actually be able to do that though because he does have to get through an obstacle course every day. Artie said that obstacle course is made just to get rid of people like him. Fred red some notes about the tests and how he'd have to get up and get over a 6 foot barrier and some other things.
Doug Goodstein came in and asked Artie if he would try to go through that course just to see what happens. Artie said he won't do it... and he can't wait to take any FOX sitcom they offer him. He said that any show that he doesn't have to do an obstacle course, he'll take.
Bob asked if Artie is too heavy to be classified as an Olympic Heavyweight Boxer. Turns out he is. Howard was getting bored with the game and told him to move it along. Bob asked if Artie is too heavy to ride Space Mountain. Turns out Artie is too heavy to ride Space Mountain at Disney. Howard wondered how they would know that. Bob said he e-mailed Disney and asked if a 5'10'' tall person at 287 pounds could weigh and they told him that it would be very hard to get the bar down and that person may not fit.
Howard asked for one more question from Bob. Bob asked if Artie was too heavy to join the Army. Most of the guys said that he would be too heavy. Bob confirmed that he is too heavy to join. He read some stats about that and found that he'd have to weigh no more than 187 pounds and also have to do 97 push-ups. Artie wondered how many he could actually do so Howard told him to go give it a try. Artie went out to the studio floor and tried to do some push-ups.
Howard counted off the push-ups and said he's going to be so sore. Fred played a heart beat sound effect as he was doing it. Artie got up to 22 and quit before he killed himself. Artie said he used to be able to do like 100 of them. He was very winded and said he was very depressed because of that. Artie said if people weren't so uptight about heroin, he'd still be thin. Howard told him to sit down because he was worried about him. Robin said that he can barely get in and out of cars these days.
Howard told Bob that he could stick around during the Steve Langford and Jon Hein updates if he wanted. Bob said that would be cool and stuck around.
Howard asked Steve how his rib was this morning since he apparently had it broken by 25 Cent. Steve said it was hurting him this morning. Artie told him he sounds a little gay for complaining about that. Howard thanked him and moved on to Jon Hein.
Jon Hein gave his Wrap Up Show preview. He mentioned a few of the subjects that they'll be discussing on the show today. They're going to talk about Howard running away from Fred when he could have stuck around and talked to him in Tampa. That led to Artie asking Howard about his run with Beth and what kind of food he was eating. Artie said he's thinking of moving down to Tampa to lose his weight.
Jon Hein said they'll also be talking about the story that Robin revealed about JD's mother running off to Hawaii. They'll also be talking about the morphing of JD's voice from Napoleon Dynamite to Curly from the Three Stooges. That led to Fred playing some Don Ho music and playing some Curly audio clips. Jon mentioned the AJ Benza call and that they'll be discussing that as well. That led to the guys talking about the Rocky Balboa movie. Jon said he liked the movie more than Howard did. He didn't think it was nearly as bad as Howard made it out to be.
Jon also mentioned they'll talk about Howard's loss of his ''black voice'' with the Mama Lookaboobooday character. Howard went into his Mama voice again and tried to get it back again. He just didn't have it down like he used to. Artie asked to hear Robin's black voice but she told him she doesn't have one. Howard and Robin talked about Oprah Winfrey and how she puts on a black voice once in a while. Jon Hein said that they'd be talking about that and about Bubba's ''black voice'' today.
Howard and Robin had a few discussions as Howard was in his Mama character but the longer he was in it, the whiter he sounded. He couldn't seem to stay in that character for more than a few seconds at a time. Jon said that they'll also be talking about how Howard didn't even recognize himself in the WNBC clip earlier. He wrapped up a short time later and Howard told Bob that he could hang out with Jon today after the show.
Howard replayed the Bubba the Love Sponge clip from 1989 and goofed on him a little bit about his ''black voice.'' Howard said that guy has done a lot in his career. He wanted Jon Hein to do his black voice but Jon said that maybe he could retain his whiteness by not doing it. Howard told him he should do the whole Wrap Up Show in his black voice. He went to break after that.
Howard read through some e-mail during the news. He had one from a guy who ran into some of the guys from the show down in Tampa. He found Gary to be kind of rude while the other guys like Ronnie and Artie were very nice. Howard read another one from a guy who was upset with the way he made Mutt take down the pictures he had taken at his private party. Howard said that Mutt can do whatever he wants but he shouldn't have posted those pictures from a private party.
Howard said that a bunch of people got together to fight the possible merger of XM and SIRIUS. That led to the guys talking about what they think about that whole thing.
Howard got in some plugs for the upcoming ''Stupid Bowl'' game that they're going to have on Howard TV. He mentioned some of the stuff that'll be featured in that show. Artie said he would have gone to see the game if he knew it was going on yesterday.
Artie was telling Howard and Robin about some food that he's had down in New Orleans. That led to Howard asking him how he's going to lose weight because he talks about food like it's sex. That also led to Howard talking to Artie about his work schedule and how he could work in some working out even when he's doing the stand-up thing around the country.
Robin wrapped up her news and Artie mentioned he's doing a big show down at the Borgata in Atlantic City on February 18th. He said it's being held in the big room down there so get your tickets now. Howard ended the show around 11:10am.
Howard started off the show talking about crappy prizes and how they're trying to give away five thousand dollars for a new It's Just Wrong game. He said that there were some radio station guys who got fired after a contestant died trying to win a $300 Wii video game system. He said that's not really worth it.
Howard said that Kidd Chris used to give away really cheap prizes like tickets to concerts and people were doing crazy stuff just for those. On Howard's show people are willing to do weird stuff to High Pitch Eric and stuff like that for the prizes they give away.
Howard played an audio clip from Larry King Live where he talked about the Wee for a Wii contest that got a whole morning crew fired after the contestant died of water intoxication. Howard found it weird that they fired the staff because none of them realized that someone could die from something like that. Artie said it didn't sound like anyone on the show was a medical expert. Howard heard that the producer of the show was a former intern of theirs.
Howard said he's thinking of having a whole new heating system put in his place so he doesn't have to use the building's heat. Artie said he has to have some noise when he sleeps but he's not sure he could take the clanging noise that Howard was describing. Howard told him that it's pretty fucked up and he has no control over it.
Howard said he's got people in his apartment all the time working with Laura. His audio/video stuff is never working so he has people in there constantly to fix that. He said he's now thinking of giving up on the whole apartment and moving to a new place that's much more minimal. He said his internet connection has been crapping out really often and he can't play chess because of it.
Artie said that he used to see people ripping of Bill Cosby by doing stuff in his apartment that didn't need to be done. They create work that doesn't need to be done because they figure the guy will pay. He told a story about one guy who took a sledge hammer to the marble in one room of the place. He said because of that they made up work and ripped them off for more money.
Howard took a couple of phone calls and one guy gave him a big ''Wahhhh'' over his complaining. Howard said he's been trying to sleep in that apartment of his by jerking off at night but even that isn't helping. The caller told Howard that there's probably air in the lines of his heating system. That's probably what's causing his noise.
Another caller told Howard how he should bleed the air out of the lines in the heating system. Howard said he has to crawl around and stick his arm into this tiny space in the wall to turn the heat off and he ends up burning his arm when he does it. He has marks on his arms that Robin had noticed. Howard said he's looking into electric heat to warm up his apartment. Robin told him that's going to be very expensive.
Howard talked about how hard it is to get up in the morning when it's cold in his apartment. He said he hates it so much he's thinking of selling that apartment. He's going to tape the noise so the guys don't think he's complaining too much.
Double A was bragging about what he's able to do and how every day is like Friday with him. He started to tell Artie he wanted to clear the air on something but Howard cut him off and said he didn't want to hear it. He hung up on him and moved on.
Robin said she saw Lindsay running around with Joe Francis of Girls Gone Wild. Howard said that's when you know she's fucked up. Joe would probably throw her into some video naked or something. The guys talked about how messed up this girl is at such a young age.
Howard said he read about Tiki Barber investing in some flavored water company. He said he loves dopey sports guys who have money to invest in stuff like that.
Howard said that the greatest story in the paper is about this psychic Sylvia Browne. He read that she told the family of this 15 year old kid who was kidnapped that he was dead. She wanted $700 to help them find the body. Howard said that this woman is a ''fucking cunt'' and she and Montel Williams should both be locked up in jail for telling the family something like that. Artie said that Montel seems like an extraordinary shit head to him.
Howard read that the people looking for this kid redirected their efforts because of what this psychic told them. Howard said we have the most gullible people in this country. He said he watches American Idol and says he's glad that he's not so delusional like the contestants on that show. He and Robin talked about some of the delusional people on that show.
Howard said there's a web site dedicated to pointing out all of the lies of this psychic Sylvia Browne. He said it's fine to go to a party and pretend that you're a psychic. When you get involved in a major case like this kid's, it's just wrong. He finished up the story and said he thought it was the best.
Howard saw a picture of Kate Moss in the paper and he said you can almost see her ''vagine.'' He read the short mention of her in that article and she's very hot. They spent a minute talking about her and her boyfriend.
Howard said he was very bummed out for JD yesterday when he heard his father call into the Wrap Up Show yesterday. He was going to play the audio of that but he saw he had a Sylvia Browne audio clip instead. In the clip she tells a woman that the lost family member she was talking about was ''in water''' but the woman told her that he was lost in 9/11 in the World Trade Center. It just shows what a phony she is.
After listening to that clip Howard said that Richie was the one who found the clip for him. He played it again to hear how wrong she got the story. Then she tells Montel that he could have drowned if the fire hoses at the World Trade Center had sprayed him down. The woman who lost this man said that they never found a piece of him so there's no telling how he actually died. Howard said it would be funny if the whole audience just stood up and lynched her after she was revealed as a phony. He said Montel should throw that woman off his show. She's full of shit and it's obvious.
Howard said JD is a good kid but he must have some dark shit going on inside him. JD's father told some stories about his son and Artie shared some stories about his own life. Howard said JD has no self confidence and he's all fucked up from something. He said that if his father had forced him into baseball, he would have been fucked up too.
Howard said the only good thing going on for JD now is that he's banging this porn star Kimberly Kane. He had some audio clips of Kimberly Kane doing some porn. In the first clip she was doing some kind of ''gonzo'' scene but he wasn't even sure what that meant. Gary told Howard that Gonzo is when these chicks do some reality TV like stuff and go to college dorms and just fuck the guys there.
Howard played another clip of Kimberly in another movie where she's moaning as she's getting slammed by some dude. JD came in and said he likes this girl but she doesn't make noises like that when he's been with her. Artie told him that no normal guy can make a girl make noise like that. Richard told Howard that they created a clip that might be what JD having sex with Kimberly would sound like. In the clip you hear snoring and JD talking dirty to the girl. JD said that was another Richard Christy work of genius.
Howard told JD he sees why he's so messed up after hearing the Wrap Up Show. Howard said maybe his parents did have him as an experiment. That led to Artie doing his Curly impression for JD again like he was doing yesterday. Howard asked JD if he wanted to hear another clip of his girl in a porn. He didn't mind so Howard played the clip where a guy was banging her and she was screaming out in a pretty funny way. She tells the guy to cum in her and stuff like that.
Howard said JD told him that he called his mother to tell her what they talked about on the air. JD says that she's not happy to be talked about on the air. Howard said that maybe if she stayed here in the continental United States, he wouldn't have been talking about her. JD said she misses him and wants him to visit. Howard said he doesn't think he'd miss him if he wasn't there.
JD said the last time he saw his mother was at his graduation. She doesn't fly out much to see him. Howard told JD that he'd be willing to fly his mother in to see him if he wants. JD didn't want to make a big deal out of the whole thing so he wasn't sure he wanted to do that. Artie said that maybe they could fly her into California from Hawaii and then have his father pick her up in his truck and drive her out to New York. The guys said they could have a whole reunion show with JD. JD wasn't into that.
Gary said that if JD is willing to do it, they are willing to pay for his mother to fly in. JD said he doesn't want to do that. Gary said they could fly in the step-father as well. Howard said it's either that or he can fuck his girlfriend on tape. JD thanked them for the offer but he didn't sound too interested in actually doing it. Howard said he'd love it if he did a reunion show.
JD said his mother wouldn't come on the show. She doesn't even want Howard 100 News calling her. JD was mumbling and not making much sense so Artie was goofing on him as Curly again while Fred played some Curly clips. Artie sounded jealous of JD when he saw how hot this girl was. Howard said she really is fuckin hot. They had some footage of her from Howard TV that they were checking out and she was very hot in it.
Howard asked JD why he wasn't making out with Kimberly in the video they were watching. JD said it was because of the cameras being around that he wasn't doing that. Howard said if it was him, he'd quit his job and move out to where she's at. He figured that might be why she likes him though, he's not a pain in the ass.
The guys goofed on JD's whooping that he does when he's laughing. Howard said they'll be in a meeting and hear that whoop. He played some of Kimberly's porn and Fred threw in a couple of whoop clips. Howard asked JD how it was when he was out at the AVN awards. He said he went up on stage but he didn't have anything to say so he just stood there.
Howard said that JD was on stage with Kimberly Kane and Carrot Top, who looks like a freak these days. Howard played a clip of JD being introduced with Carrot Top and Kimberly. JD said it was kind of nice being with her there at the awards because she looked so hot. Howard mentioned that JD is part of a football game that they're going to be playing during the Super Bowl half time. He wondered how JD did in the game. JD said he wasn't utilized very much in the game, that's all he could say. He did mention something about Sal being the captain of the team but the guys didn't know why he said that. Artie did more of his Curly impression after that.
The Howard TV guys had some of the half-time show that they're going to have on Howard TV. They showed Sal hiking the ball and getting tackled by a drag queen. He also mentioned that they have another special on Howard TV where Ronnie is out at Scores in Vegas. While he was talking about that he was still watching the football game on his monitor.
Gary told Howard that Richard made a song of JD's yelps if he wanted to play that. Howard found the song and played it a short time later. The song was just JD's yelps and some ''Uh'' and ''Um'' clips to some music. Howard played that for a few seconds and then got back to the AVN Awards clip. Kimberly got up on stage and said that JD was there because she had fucked him in New York. Carrot Top pointed out that she's fucked about half the guys in the room.
The guys talked about how disturbing Carrot Top looked in the video. He's tweezing his eyebrows or something and his face is all stretched out and his hair is bad. Howard said he looks like Joe Piscopo but with red hair. Howard also told JD that Kimberly looked great and that was some score. JD didn't have anything to say on stage and told Howard that he wasn't given any lines. Carrot Top announced the winner of the category and JD let out a laugh but that was about it.
Howard said that Larry Flynt is tough to listen to. He was at the AVN Awards so Howard played a clip of that. Larry was gurgling his words like he had phlegm in his throat. Larry started to cry during his speech but the crowd started cheering. That led to Artie doing his impression of Larry and goofing on him a little bit. Larry was crying over his lawyers who have helped him fight for the freedom of speech. Artie and Howard were coming up with some of the weird shit that Larry gets to do with his magazine because of his freedom of speech. Artie had a ton of creepy things like moose fucking and things like that.
Because of the gurgling noise that Larry makes, Fred played a gurgling sound effect. Howard then realized he had to take a break because it was getting so late. He continued to play some clips from the AVN Awards. Gene Simmons was there presenting an award. Howard said that guy will do anything. JD was still in the studio so Artie asked him what he was doing over there. Howard said he looked like he had been sick since he got back from the AVN awards.
Howard played a couple more clips from the Awards show and listened to some of the porn stars accepting their awards. There were also some clips of the different categories for the awards. Artie and Fred got into a conversation as Larry Flynt and JD so they were both doing their respective impressions for a few seconds. Howard cut them off and played a couple of quick clips from the AVN Awards and listened to some of the acceptance speeches from the porn stars.
There was one speech where a woman accepted her award for ''Best Anal'' and as she was wrapping up the guy who fucked her in the ass came up and asked where his award was. The woman gave him her award and acted like she didn't care she got it.
Howard asked JD what's wrong with him because nothing seems to make him happy. JD said he can get happy but mumbled and couldn't get his thoughts out. JD said it was good to see hot chicks but Howard didn't understand what he said. Howard said a lot of people want JD to have his own show. He pulled out some e-mail where people talked about how depressing it is to see JD with such a hot chick. The fans are saying that he should be fucking her every minute. He read one where a guy says that JD looks like he was smashed with an ugly stick and shouldn't be with a hot chick like that. One person wrote in and said that JD really should have his own show. Howard asked him if he'd be up for that. He just laughed and coughed because he's been sick for a few days.
Howard asked JD if he ever gets excited over anything. He said he does but the AVN thing was scary. Artie said that they just need to get JD some subjects to talk about and he could have his own show. Artie said that JD has his own chair in the studio for the Wrap Up Show. He said when he goes in there and JD has to move, JD gives him a look like he's pissed he has to move. JD denied doing that but Artie swears that's what it looks like. Howard played some more clips of JD's girlfriend getting fucked as he was getting ready to go to break.
Howard had Lisa G come in to give her Howard 100 News preview. He told her that he had a guy on the phone who claimed to have dated her. She said they didn't need to go there. She knew who was on the phone and didn't want to talk to him at all. Howard said he really wanted to hear the story but she didn't want to do it. Howard said he was going to honor her request and said he wouldn't talk to him. She said that if they put him on the air it would just fuel the fire. She said she doesn't need that guy in her life right now.
Lisa said that you date a guy like that and find out what he's really like. Howard said he really wanted to hear what the guy has to say but Lisa said he'd just be fueling the fire and she's had enough with his e-mail. She was getting pissed off that he wouldn't drop it. Artie said that now she sees how they all feel.
Howard asked how Lisa met this guy. She said that Artie had nailed it when he said J-Date. Howard said that if you can't meet people in regular life, what makes you think you're going to meet them on the internet. He said that girls can go to a bar to meet guys. Howard said he met his girlfriend at a dinner party so Lisa should be able to do something like that.
Lisa said she's very busy with her P.R. business and doing her job there on the news. She doesn't have a lot of time to go out and find someone. She said it's hard to find someone and it's been a while since she had someone. She kept asking Howard not to put this guy on the phone but he kept saying that he really wanted to hear his story. He asked her why things went wrong with this guy. Lisa said the guy was just too manic for her so that's why things went wrong.
Howard said that Mariann from Brooklyn met this guy at Letterman one time. Lisa said that he ripped off a radio there. She heard that from Ross who told her that he had ripped off the radio. Lisa said the guy just wants to get on the air and she doesn't want to give him that. Howard said he would respect that then.
Howard had Lisa give her rundown of the upcoming news. She said that they have an interview with a cardiologist who is worried about Artie. He thinks that Artie might have a sleep apnea that could kill him. Howard told Artie not to pay attention to that because it'll drive him nuts. Artie said he doesn't have a sleep apnea, he knows guys who have that and he doesn't. He said that when he sleeps he's fine, it's been a lack of sleep lately that has been making him tired.
Lisa said they have a story about a guy who proposed right there in the studio while he was on a tour. Howard took a call in the middle of that from a guy who said he really has to put that guy on the phone. Howard asked Lisa to let him put the guy on the phone. Lisa said she doesn't need the guy in her life because he just wants to get closer to Howard. Howard kept asking Lisa but she insisted that they not let him on the air.
Artie asked Lisa if she wanted him to call some of his buddies at the port to take care of this guy. Lisa was just laughing and saying she didn't want the guy on the air. Howard said she didn't give him sex so it couldn't be that bad. Lisa said he just wants to get closer to Howard, that's it.
Lisa said that they have a good Page 69 about Jon Hein liking fast food so much that he can go to Wendys and he doesn't even have to say a word. They know what he wants.
Artie mentioned that Penny Crone was gone from the Howard 100 News department. Howard said he wasn't going to bring it up in respect to Penny but since Artie did bring it up... He said that Tim told him that they had to make some cuts and Penny was one of them. He said they'll have her back to fill in for people when they need to. She ran into Beth last night and she was saying that it'll be good for her because she wants to do some other things. Beth told him that Penny was cool with the whole thing. Howard said that he's going to see if they can use Penny for some Howard TV stuff as well. She'll be missed.
Howard read that Joe was never paid in full for that land and now it's worth over 100 million dollars. He got paid less than 1.8 million for it. Joe is now trying to get some of that money he's owed. Howard said Joe had the vision to buy that property for $800,000 back in 73 and he could have made a ton of money if he hadn't gotten screwed over. Howard said he should have hired one of these Jews to take care of him. The guy who was doing all of that for him wasn't Jewish according to Joe.
Joe said that there were some phony deeds and stuff being thrown around back then. Howard said he was breaking his heart with this story. He said Joe doesn't have a lot of money and he lives one floor above a gym now. Joe said he can make money though and he's doing okay. Howard said that if Joe had been an ass kisser and kissed up to Muhammad Ali, he could have made more money. He didn't do that and he understands why because Ali treated him like crap.
Robin said that Joe was instrumental in getting Ali back into fighting and even gave him some money. Howard found that hard to believe after Ali had called him a gorilla. Joe said that came after he helped Ali out, not before. That led to Howard talking about the fight that Joe and Ali had called the Thrilla in Manilla. He said that Joe was told that his brain could explode if he had gone back into the ring during that fight. Joe said that he had vision problems after that but he has since gotten it fixed and now has 20/20 vision. He claims he can shoot a mosquito off a passenger train running at 100 miles per hour.
Howard asked Joe how he gets through life knowing about how he got screwed out of millions in that land deal. Joe said he's doing alright and making a living. He said he likes meeting and greeting people at the gym and stuff like that.
Howard said that Joe is the greatest but Robin said that if you go out on the street and ask people what they think, they'd say it's Ali. As she was talking about that Joe asked if she could sing to her. He broke into a song and sang a few lines of Heartbreak Hotel. He was just goofing around so Howard asked him if he can sing better than that because he really thought he could. Then Joe broke into the song he sang to Robin years ago. Then Artie sang a commercial song that Joe had sang years ago for Miller Beer. The two of them sang the commercial together for a few seconds. Artie knew it as if he had just heard it a hundred times.
Howard took a call from Muhammad Ali which was just audio clips of Ali making a speech. Joe said he couldn't understand what he was saying though. Howard said goodbye to Ali and then brought up Ali's 65th birthday and how much of a fuss was made over that. He wondered why no one was making a fuss about Joe's birthday too. He wasn't sure why. The guys ended up talking about James Brown and his death. Howard said that James was taking Viagra there toward the end so he wondered if Joe was doing that. Joe didn't really say. He said he's quieted down and stays with just one woman... but he's looking for a way out. He can't just say he's leaving and get out, he's too nice of a guy.
Joe said he has kids with this woman and one of them is 14 years old. He's not married to the woman but he loves his kids and wants to stay with them. Howard asked him who he would want to date if he could have anyone in Hollywood. Joe didn't have an answer. Howard asked him if there was a lot of pussy out there when he was in his prime. Joe said that he always had a lot of training to do and you can't just take off. He said he would stay home with his family instead.
Joe talked about Don King and said that he's a nice guy but there were always money issues in his career. Howard gave him some plugs for a show that he's appearing in this weekend. He also said that there's a movie being developed about Joe's life. Joe said he's going to have all of that put together and look at it to see how it looks.
Joe talked about how he used to steal things when he was a kid and he was into some bad stuff. He lived in new York for a while and they would steal stuff as kids. He said that they'd steal a car and push it to a junk yard where they'd get $50 for doing that. They'd just break into the car and steal it because there weren't any special locks or anything. That led to Joe talking about how he had gone to jail. Howard didn't know that so he asked for more details. Joe said he would go to jail to visit his friend who were in jail, he didn't go in himself. Robin said that he was arrested though and thought he was going to talk about that. Joe claims that he was told to get back into a line and got arrested when he refused. It was a line for a basketball game or something and the story didn't make a lot of sense.
Howard said that if he saw Joe stealing his car, he'd help him do it because he'd be so afraid. Irish John called in after that and asked Joe if he would have boxed a guy who was HIV positive back in the day. Joe said it wasn't around in his day. Joe wasn't sure but said he wouldn't want someone bleeding on him. Artie said the correct answer is ''No fuckin way!''
Howard took another phone call from a guy who wanted to talk to Robin and Joe about Muhammad Ali. He said that the guy wouldn't fight for this country but he would fight for money. He said that Joe Frazier is the best fighter of all time. Robin asked Joe if he was drafted into the military. Joe said that he went down to sign up for the military but when he wasn't able to line up the blocks, they told him he couldn't join. He said he thought they were yanking him around about that back then. Howard said Joe had dropped out of school when he was 14 years old so maybe matching up the blocks wasn't possible for him.
Howard said he was kind of sad hearing that Joe's love life wasn't going very well. Joe said he's getting it about once a month at this point. He said he's not cheating on her or anything like that. Howard figures that there are a lot of women out there who would like to have sex with him. Howard asked him if he wears a condom. Joe said that he doesn't wear one and has to feel what he's doing. He said he pulls out and drops his load somewhere else.
Howard said Joe must not be very good at pulling out because he does have kids. He said you have to be careful when you do that because a woman can take that stuff and get herself pregnant.
Howard told Joe he's a huge fan of his and respects him very much. He respects him personally and professionally. Joe said he likes coming in and talking to Howard because he can understand him. Artie asked him what the highest purse was that he was paid. Joe said he was once paid three and a half million. That was probably the biggest he's ever had.
Howard and Joe talked about how there really isn't much left to boxing these days. It's not the sport it used to be. Howard said that he's going to watch this ''50 Greatest Moments of Madison Square Garden'' which is airing this weekend on MSG.
Joe asked Robin how old she thinks he is. Robin wasn't sure but said that he's aging better than Ali is. Howard knew that Joe was 63 years old. He took a call after that and said that Joe is a great guy, he knows from some buddies who did some work for him. Another caller asked if Howard would have Mike Tyson on the show. Howard said they've had him booked before but he ends up backing out. Joe said that he thinks he needs different people helping him out with his career. Howard asked Joe what he thinks of Mike tattooing his face. Joe said he doesn't understand that.
Ralph called in and asked what this mystique is about Muhammad Ali being the greatest. He said it sounds like the guy was an asshole and made Joe's life miserable. Robin said you had to be there at the time when they were fighting. Joe started explaining what he thought about the whole thing but it wasn't making a whole lot of sense. Howard said he didn't want him to have to pour his whole heart out about that stuff if he didn't want. They spent a little more time talking about Ali and also a little bit about George Forman. Howard went to break a short time later.
Robin said she was shocked with that call. Howard thought it was great. He then mentioned a great show on Howard TV called ''Who Me?'' which is a special about Beetlejuice. He said it's available now on Howard TV under ''Favorite Guests.''
Howard had another prank call that Sal and Richard made to a public access TV show. He played that call where Richard asks how many of the guys on the show have fucked a fat white chick. They tried to move on to the next call but it turned out to be Richard again. They kept calling in over and over again getting through with dopey comments that pissed off the hosts.
Howard played a mystery sound that no one could figure out. It was someone wheezing. Gary told Howard it was actually isolated audio of Artie doing push-ups on the show yesterday. Artie said he was feeling fine from doing those 22 push-ups yesterday. He said he could have pushed to 25 if he had to.
Howard said he's going out with his kids and parents today. He said he has to set up cars to pick everyone up to get them to the place at the right time. He said he can picture his mother complaining to him about the car not showing up on time already. He did an impression of his mother and goofed on her for a short time. He said he doesn't want anything to go wrong because he knows he'll hear it from her.
Howard continued to impersonate his mother and made up the conversation he might have with her about his parents not drinking. Howard said this is supposed to be his birthday dinner. He had one down in Florida but he's having another one up here with his family.
Howard said he had a big chess game yesterday. He's been working with a guy who is teaching him how to play chess and he'll be coming to visit soon. Artie said he still wants to learn how to play. He got a Chess for Dummies book and he's started to read that. He said that he doesn't have a chess board yet but he is learning. He said he has to take baby steps.
Howard and Robin were both giving him a hard time and he said they really are a couple of ball breakers. Howard did his impression of his mother again and tried to give Artie some advice. Howard told Robin that they should just let Artie do his thing.
Howard continued to talk about his mother and how she's going to treat him if something goes wrong with the car service. That led to him playing the prank call that Sal and Richard made using clips of his mother when she was complaining about the car service not picking her up when she was supposed to go up to SIRIUS one time. That got Howard into his impression even more. He said that even his kids will beat him up if the car service causes any problems. He said his kids had a problem back around thanksgiving and that led to his mother complaining to Beth's mother.
Howard said he's looking for someone in his family to invite him over to dinner sometime. He said he's the one who does it all the time. Robin asked Howard a question about his mother cooking for him which led to Howard going right into the mom impression saying that she doesn't have time to cook.
Howard said his father actually keeps an appointment book and he has to set up meeting times with them. He said he told his father about the dinner and then had to tell his mother the exact same thing. They have to check their books like they have something to do for the rest of their lives.
Artie said that he's got a similar thing going on with his family. He said that he wanted to have his sister out to dinner for her birthday and his mother looked pained when he told her about going. She called and said she was going to cancel, then she called back and said that she might go. Then she called last night and said that she might go and it was enough of going back and forth. He said he never even called her back so there was no back and forth with her.
Howard played a prank call that Sal and Richard made using clips of his father. They called a guy by the name of Howard and had that guy arguing with the audio clips. Then they had Howard's mother call him and the guy starts talking dirty to her.
Howard's father Ben called in joked that he has other children around other than Howard and his sister. That's why he has to keep the appointment book. Howard asked his father not to go nuts if they get to the restaurant early before he does. He told him to just chill out and wait for him to get there. He said they should just enjoy the night when they get there. He said his father likes going out because he doesn't get out to drink much.
Robin asked Ben what he's got in this book of his. Ben said it doesn't matter, it just makes you feel important. Ben said that in the book it just tells him which wall he's going to stare at that day. Howard told him he's looking forward to seeing his parents tonight. He said they didn't bother calling him on his birthday though. Ben said he didn't have a number for him that day so he didn't call. Ben said he did wish him a happy birthday twice when he got back from his vacation.
Ben thought that he was out of the country and that's why he didn't call. Howard had to explain to him that his cell phone works wherever he's at, not just in this country or state. That and he was only in Florida, not out of the country like Ben had said.
Howard let Ben go and spent a little more time talking about his parents. He said that his father refused to get a hearing aid for the longest time. It was a vanity thing and now that he's finally broken down and gotten them, he can hear again. Now his mother is having trouble hearing. He said he knows she can't hear a fuckin thing but she won't get hearing said and doesn't want to hear his opinion about it.
Howard said his father was having a real problem hearing and he thought he was going to be checking out of this world soon. Now it's like he's back in the world again. Howard took a call from a guy who asked him if he's getting married. Howard told him about what had gone on with that discussion they had the other day and how it got reported in the news. He said his mother would love it if he got married again but he doesn't have anything to report.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he and his buddy were having a debate about Battlestar Galactica. He said that they were wondering who was hotter, Lucy Lawless or Tricia Helfer. Howard said it's definitely Tricia. Lucy isn't that bad but she's no Tricia Helfer. Robin said that there was also some discussion about who would be better in bed, Tricia or the chick who plays Starbuck on the show. Howard figures it would be Tricia.
Chuck said that he found out a lot of stuff yesterday when JD was telling the stories about his mother running off to Hawaii. He said he's offered to fly JD out there to see his mother because he hasn't seen her in about 7 years or so. Howard said he offered to pay for the mom to fly in as well but JD doesn't want to do it. chuck said it would be nice for him to see her sometime.
Chuck said he takes a lot of the blame for the way JD turned out. Howard told him he'll take care of JD from now on, he doesn't have to worry about it. Artie told Chuck that there are books out there that will tell you exactly where to put the crack pipe when you're changing a diaper.
Chuck said that when he was JD's age, he was changing diapers. JD was just out in Vegas getting banged by a porn star so he's doing okay for himself. Howard let Chuck go a short time later.
Ralph called in and asked if Chuck just came around when JD got on radio a little bit. Artie didn't think that was the case. JD came in and said that his father has been there for him since before he was on radio so he didn't just come around. Howard asked JD to get his mother in there so they can have a reunion show. JD still wasn't interested in that though.
JD said he doesn't feel abandoned by his mother because he was grown up by that point. He said his mom has thought to come to visit but she can't afford it. Howard said that he must feel ugly when his own mother doesn't come to visit him. He said that would make him feel that way. JD said she does get mad at him if he doesn't call her often enough. Howard said he should be the one getting mad at her for not visiting.
Howard likes that JD's father didn't even know the story that JD told on the air yesterday. JD blamed Robin for that because she was the one who brought it up. JD said he doesn't talk about his mom on the air and he told Robin that stuff off the air.
Ralph told Howard that the hottest chick on Battlestar Galactica is the Chinese chick. Howard told him he was wrong and he hung up on him. Dominic Barbara called in and asked Artie how the suit worked out in Florida. Artie filled him in on the details and said that he paid the guy himself and he doesn't want him telling the guy to rip up the check or anything like that.
Howard got in another plug for the Beetlejuice special on Howard TV. He also mentioned a Ronnie the Limo Driver special they have on there. Ronnie went out to Vegas for the 1st anniversary of Scores in Vegas. Howard said he got angry watching that show. He said it's a really weird video because it is pretty wild to see Ronnie with all of those girls.
Artie offered to bring Dominic out to dinner sometime. The restaurant he mentioned is one that Howard offered to bring him to one time. He went off on him for a second. Artie didn't get where that came from though.
Howard moved on and played a clip from a talk show that Richard and Bob Levy called into. They asked some goofy questions about cocks and stuff. Bob said he woke up with a cat licking his cock that morning. Howard said you have to see these guys work because they have this whole thing they go through to prepare for the calls. He said he got all nervous when he tried calling with the guys one time.
Howard realized that he had forgotten about the Gossip Game. He told Gary to set that up. He took a phone call from a guy who said he went on a trip recently and got to listen to Howard even out in the desolate areas he was traveling through. Robin said she was driving in a rental over the weekend and the stations kept fading out as they were driving so she really missed her SIRIUS.
Howard went through a list of some of the best guitar solos in rock and roll that was in some guitar magazine. The guys tried coming up with their own picks as well. One of the top 5 on the list was Jimi Hendrix's guitar solo in the middle of ''All Along The Watch Tower.'' Fred played some of that and then Howard read number four which was David Gilmore's solo in ''Comfortably Numb.'' Fred played that one as well and said that it was the best solo he had ever done. Artie said this song is a great one to get high to. Artie had Fred searching for the good part of the guitar solo. Fred found the part he was looking for but Fred thought it was better at the end of the song. Artie played air guitar along to that song.
The number 3 song on the list was Lynrd Skynrd's ''Free Bird'' so Artie went into his own version of the song and played it for the guys on air guitar. Howard gave the number 2 song and said it should have been number one. It was Eddie Van Halen's solo at the start of ''Eruption.'' Howard said that solo is so good he'd beat off to it. He said that anyone who has a Van Halen tattoo on them, they're alright because that bad is still relevant.
Howard took a call from a guy who wanted to take a guess at what the number one guitar solo was. He said it was Journey's ''Who's Crying Now.'' Howard asked the guy if he was gay when he heard that. The guy said he wasn't and laughed after giving that pick. Howard moved on to the number one solo song which was Stairway to Heaven by Jimmy Paige. He said the list was from Guitar World magazine. He went through some of the other songs on the list. Then he told Gary to have someone pull clips from the top 30 songs so they can go through those tomorrow. (They won't be on tomorrow) Howard also played some Baba Booey song parodies that could have been on that list of greatest guitar solos.
Riley goes on to talk about why the ship crashed and had a very believable explanation. He said they came in too low after shooting through space and that's what led to the crash. Steve Langford got back to his stuff and said they have a story about a web site called RobinsWrong.com where they pick apart the things she says on the show. Steve said they'll also have a story about how the merging of the two satellite companies will probably never happen. Howard suggested that they just merge the programming and have two separate technologies like satellite TV does.
Howard said that he thinks it's unfair for the FCC not to let them do something like that. Steve said that they have a Page 69 report about what Gary eats around the office. Steve said they'll have those stories and much more throughout the day on Howard 100 News.
Jon Hein gave the guys his Wrap Up Show rundown. He mentioned the stuff that happened on the show that they'll be discussing today. Jon mentioned the Lisa G thing that went on earlier and Howard said that was the biggest let down of the day for him.
After that Howard moved over to Mutt who was on the phone to plug tonight's Superfan Roundtable. He said that they'll be talking about who was the biggest asshole of the weekend at Bubba's wedding. mutt said that he's included in that list. That led to Howard reading some e-mail that he got about Mutt from fans who think he shouldn't let the guy hang out with him. He said some people told him that he should quit his complaining too.
Mutt said that they'll be talking about a possible Howard and Beth wedding. They'll also play a Right or Wrong game on the show as well. Howard caught a whiff of Artie's pancakes and said it was driving him nuts. Artie said it was actually French toast, not pancakes. Howard asked Mutt if he saw how much Artie ate down in Tampa. Mutt said he didn't watch him eating. Robin said that's because he was busy taking pictures of Howard.
Howard let Mutt go and then got in a plug for the It's Just Wrong game they're going to be playing soon. Fred had found the Journey song that the caller had mentioned earlier. Fred said the guy is a good guitar player but this song was just okay. Howard said they'll do more of this ''tomorrow'' when they return.
Howard played a few more awful performances from American Idol and got a few laughs out of that. He said he loves when people get mad when they don't get picked. Ralph said he likes when the people leave and try going out the wrong door and have to be told ''Wrong door...''
Howard said he really hates Ryan Seacrest on that show. He played a few samples of his weird delivery and goofed on him for a short time. Artie said that he just learned that his mother is really into that show and you can't call her during the show because she's so into it. Howard had Robin start her news a short time later
Robin read through a few stories and then Howard brought up a story about rapper Foxy Brown who apparently hit a manicurist. He said that they sent her to an anger management class and she got thrown out of that because she was too angry for that. He said he can't imagine being thrown out of an anger management class for being too angry. Now they're saying that she's going to have a private anger management teacher.
Robin got back to her stories and went through a bunch of various stories. She finished up her news and Artie got in a plug for his upcoming Borgata comedy show down in Atlantic City. That'll be happening on February 18th and he suggested that people call as soon as possible so they can get tickets before they're sold out. Howard ended the show around 10:55am.
Howard started off the show singing along to his opening theme song a little bit. He said the song is ''In a Mellow Tone'' by Duke Ellington. He said they have some phony phone calls to play today. They called Andy Bloom and told him they're a gay group who saw him on TV and they wanted to out him. He also had a call that he wanted to play for Robin off the air because he wasn't there to supervise the call.
Howard said they called as this gay group called the 10 Percenters because they believe that 10 percent of the world is gay. He said he may play that other call too. Howard went to his first break after that.
Howard said Jackie was driving his grandmother with this girl in the car. He said Jackie was talking to his grandmother about how he would never hurt her. Then he asks her to smoke some weed. She took about 3 hits and then proceeded to talk very fast and swore that she wasn't high. He said she went home that night and went upstairs, fell backwards and died. Howard said Jackie told him that he was only kidding about her dying but she did take some hits off that joint.
Howard said Jackie takes special pride in believing his stories. He said Jackie once urinated in his mother's face so he would believe that he killed his grandmother. It doesn't sound totally absurd to him that he would do such a thing to his grandmother. Howard said Jackie one time put his penis in ice cream and almost burned it off from the cold. He'll believe just about anything he tells him these days.
Howard said Jackie was acting a little strange yesterday and he thinks he knows why. He's having a few people over to his house for a party and Jackie can't handle that because he's usually the host. Howard said Jackie seems to think that he's the only person who can make a party enjoyable or something. Jackie said he's not coming to the party if that's the way he's going to be.
Howard goofed on Jackie about being a 43 year old running around with riddles. He said that Jackie once masturbated in front of his grandmother, or an aunt or something like that. Howard said Jackie is a great one to invite to a party. He threatens not to come after they mention him. Robin wondered why Howard was going to do this party thing. Howard said he didn't want to do it but his wife pressured him into it. He said he knew that Jackie was going to have a problem and probably not show up.
Howard said that Jackie likes to create a situation for himself. He said the guy hands out fliers about his parties and then wonders why so many people show up. Howard goofed on him for a short time and said he just can't get rid of that loser complex of his. Howard said his wife really wants to have this party and he knows that it's not necessary.
Howard said he's going to call Andy about that. He figures he didn't mean to do something like that. They should just put in bleeps instead of chopping out whole sections of the show. Howard said he was going to play the call he made to Andy Bloom out there for Robin but he was talking about the guests they had coming up today and got distracted by his deep voice.
Howard said he had a dream last night when he was feeling kind of nauseous. He was in this dream at a college cafeteria where they were serving a plate of rice with a fish on top. He said the fish had its head and a giant eye sticking out. He said he rarely remembers his dreams but this one stuck out. He said the fish was all grey, scaly and pink. He couldn't believe that was all he had to eat so he wanted to return it but decided against it. When he got to the end of the line he folds up the fish and put it in his mouth. It was real hard and he figured he might have the eye in his mouth. He said he goes by a sandwich shop but he has no money so he pulls out the fish from his mouth and the big eye came out. Then he woke up and he was totally nauseous. He said it was a hideous experience.
Howard thinks the dream came about because he hangs out with Jackie too much. He wondered if anyone could figure out what the dream could possibly mean. Fred had no idea but said he'd like to know more. Howard asked Jackie about it but he didn't know either. Jackie had a brain teaser for them to mess with instead.
Robin said her friends thought it was funny she had a telescope there but they didn't waste any time looking through it to see what they could find. The caller said that he heard about some people in Trump Tower who were peeping at people around the city. Howard said he loves watching people like that. That led to them talking about a home sex tape that made it out to the public. In that tape there's a kid in the room who is talking about how it looks like a pony ride. Howard thought that would kind of screw the kid up by seeing that.
Howard said he walked into Robin's apartment one day and immediately knew she needed a telescope. The caller said they make attachments for video cameras too so she could tape some of that stuff. Robin said one of her friends saw a guy watering plants completely naked one day. The caller said he saw a model being photographed nude on a roof top a few buildings away. He said he had to hold the binoculars so he wasn't able to pleasure himself.
The caller told Howard that he thought Richard Marx was a great guest and he'd like to nominate him as the best guest of the month. That led to Howard saying that Richard was so taken with the show that he had to give him a copy of ''Crucified by the FCC.'' He told the caller he'll love it if he gets it. He talked about some of the stuff that's included in the set and then let the caller go. Howard said Richard was looking for that tape set and some other stuff like every single episode of the Channel 9 show.
Robin said that with Howard's luck, Richard Marx will end up with the only copies of the channel 9 show and some day he'll have to go to him for copies. That led to them talking about old TV shows like Ernie Kovacs show. Howard said those shows really sucked back then and there are so many bad shows. He said those old guys really blew on TV so he has to avoid watching some of them. He said he's not going to watch the Uncle Miltie shows because he doesn't want to ruin the mystique about him being a genius.
Howard goofed on Lucille Ball a little bit since they were talking about old TV shows. He was talking about how crazy she was for naming her daughter Lucee. He goofed on her about that and then went to break.
Howard asked him about the job and wondered why he can't find a roommate. Howard said if he finds one, it would probably have to be a sexual one. lance said he lived with a guy who thought he could deal with him being gay but that didn't work out. The roommate wasn't able to handle it.
Lance told Howard he has had sex with a man and lost his virginity at 15. He just has trouble finding dates these days. Lance said that he was able to avoid AIDS by always putting on a water balloon whenever he played pin the tail on the donkey. Howard liked that description because it was safe for radio.
Howard asked Lance some questions about his sex life and his virginity loss. He asked Lance who held down his lover that first time. Lance said the guy that he was with actually held him down. He said that he's known he's been gay since he was about 5 years old so he was ready at 15.
Howard asked Lance if he thinks the smell of a man's ass is better than a woman. He said he's smelled both and he prefers the man's ass. Howard told Robin that women do have a problem down there so this guy might have a point. Robin said that she read that Pee Wee Herman has his pubic hair waxed. Howard found that disturbing and said he should be arrested for that over the masturbating in the movie theater.
Lance told Howard that he's had a guy shave him down before. He said the guy will shave the hair around his buttocks. Howard got a laugh out of that. He went on to ask Lance about this shaving thing and wondered how that all works. Lance said he'll usually bend over in a shower and the guy will put some shaving cream on and shave him. Howard laughed when he described that to him. He and Robin both laughed when they talked about that whole thing.
Lance said he was born this way so he's used to it. He described the feeling of getting shaved and how it feels about the same as shaving his face. He said he's only had that done to him about 3 times in his life though. Howard asked Jackie if he'd be willing to get shaved down during the next segment. Robin said that Mark and Brian are probably the next ones to try that gay stuff on their radio show. That led to Howard talking about Mark and Brian for a short time and said that he can't stand them. He wants to crush them in the ratings out there in Los Angeles.
Howard said that he wants to have this guy in to talk about his seduction of a 14 year old. Lance said that he thinks he looks like a cross between Michael J. Fox and Danny Bonaduce. He said his parents really don't mind that he's gay and don't mind if he brings home another man. Robin asked him if he's ever brought a date to family functions. He said that's never happened. He hasn't dated anyone long enough to make that happen.
Howard asked Lance about the smell of a man's ass again but cut himself off and told Lance that they'll have him down to the studio sometime to do a dial-a-date. Howard let Lance go after he brought up something a little too racy for the air. He asked Fred if he had done that to a woman but Fred had no idea what he was referring to. They were talking about doing anal on a woman. Howard said he's never done that but he knows that Gary and Jackie are up to that stuff. Howard said he has no desire to do something like that.
Gary came in and said that some people like to experiment with stuff like that and there's nothing wrong with it. Howard got distracted by Gary talking to him about that stuff. That led to Fred playing the ''Baba Booey'' audio clip a couple of times.
Gary talked about a party that he went to over the weekend and how the house was a rented out house. Howard said he can't imagine renting out a house like that for parties because it must get wrecked.
Howard said Andy pretends that he knew the whole time that it was a goof but you can tell that he didn't. He played the call a short time later. As he started to play the call, they could hear the guys laughing in the studio so Howard paused it and said that they always do that stuff before making prank calls. Billy was doing his gay voice and asked to speak to Andy. He then tells Andy that he's with a gay group that's a 10 Percent group which means that they believe that 10 percent of the population is gay. Andy didn't understand what the call was about.
Howard interrupted the call and said that Andy actually sounded even more gay than Billy did. He said Andy swears that he's not gay though. Howard got back to the call and Billy tells Andy that a lot of famous people were gay and that Howard Stern is not a nice person for talking about the gays the way he does. Andy tried to calm Billy down by saying that Howard believes that gays have the right to do whatever they want.
Billy tells Andy that he finds him to be pretty effeminate and asked him to repeat the word ''exactly'' to hear his lisp. Andy tells him that it's none of his business if he's gay or not. Billy asks Andy if he thinks that Howard Stern is gay because he may bash them a little too much. At one point Billy tells Andy that his voice relaxes his colon. Howard interrupted and said that they figured Andy would figure it out at that point. Andy does ask him if he was being set up but they brought him right back into the conversation.
Andy finally figures out that he's being scammed. He asks who he is but Billy stays in his character and continues to goof on him. Andy asks him if he is Billy West but Billy stays in character as ''David'' but eventually breaks into laughter. Howard got on the line with him and Andy claims he knew who it was. Howard said they just about had to hit him over the head with a sledgehammer to get him to realize he was being goofed on.
Howard also had a call they made to Dan Forman which was similar to the Andy Bloom call. He didn't play the whole thing, he just played Dan's reaction to Billy saying that Abe Lincoln was gay. He said that call went on for 9 minutes. He also said that Billy does that gay thing a little too good.
Howard said they had a few things to choose from today. He said they have this guest coming in at 8:30 but he didn't want to give out the name yet. He was keeping that a secret from Robin. He said they also have some L.A. TV reports about their show. They could also call people in Los Angeles to see if they're listening to the show. He had some other clips to play, a lesbian record, Gil Scott Heron records and other things.
Howard read a story about Michael Swann in the newspaper because they mention Robin in the story. Robin went out with him and Howard had never heard of him before Robin went out with him. He read through the article about their date and read some quotes that Robin denied ever saying.
Howard was talking about adopted kids and that led to a caller telling him that he's out of line with his comments. Howard said he thinks that adopted kids are unloved and the caller disagreed with that. The caller said that he's an adopted child and he does not feel unloved. Howard said his parents love him the way they love a puppy and that's just the way it is. He and the caller argued over that for a short time and the caller was throwing some angry comments at Howard.
The caller told Howard that his parents were killed in a car accident, that's why he was put up for adoption. Howard said that's the story he was told, that doesn't mean it's true. He and the caller went back and forth arguing about whether or not adoptive parents can love an adopted child the same way they love a biological child. Howard insists that they can't possibly love a child more than they'd love a puppy.
Howard ended up hanging up on the caller when the caller said that he had no desire to find his biological parents. Howard called him a phony because he had just said that his parents were dead. Robin and Howard continued the conversation and Howard said he's sick of the discussion because he's had it before. He said he knows basic human behavior and that's just the way it is.
Howard said that everyone is suspicious of Mother Teresa and even of the Pope. Gary came in and said that the phones were going crazy with adopted people calling in and complaining. Howard told him to screen some of those calls and he'd take care of them after the break.
Howard took another call from a guy who thought Howard was wrong about what he was saying. He didn't believe that Howard could believe his own views on the adoption thing. The caller had a couple of kids that he adopted so Howard told him that if he ever caught them having sex with some guy behind a shed, he might think about how her mother may have been a whore or something. The caller said he wouldn't think that. Howard hung up on him and took some more calls. A woman called in and said she feels the same as Howard because she's adopted and her parents didn't lover her.
Howard took a call from Dominic Barbara who said he doesn't understand why he's acting like this. He said he's lost control today. Dominic said his father is a Psychiatrist and his theory about Howard is that somewhere in the back of his mind, he thinks that he's adopted. Howard told Dominic to go talk to his father then. They thought Dominic had some adopted kids but Dominic said that they just wish they were adopted.
Howard's mother Ray called in and said that Dominic may have had something there. Ray told Howard that he doesn't know what he's talking about with this stuff. She said that sometimes kids have in the back of their minds that their real parents may be out there and could love them ore. She said that Howard is not an authority on this subject and shouldn't be talking like that. Howard told his mother that she should stick up for him, he's 37 years old and she should respect that. Howard said it doesn't matter if he's an authority or not. He said she's changing her story from what it was off the air.
Howard asked his mother why she has to listen to the show. She said that Howard is her son so she has to listen. Howard asked her what movie it was that she wouldn't let his father watch the other night. She said that if they're going to watch something on TV, she is going to have some input. They have to watch TV together according to Ray. She said they've been together for 44 years now and he has no idea what it's like to be married that long.
Howard told his mother that he has his own opinions and he's entitled to them. He was all worked up so he had to calm down by listening to his relaxation tape which was a hot chick singing ''You Are My Sunshine.'' He played that and tried to calm down while his mother kept talking. She asked how everyone was doing there and told Robin that she was great on the Joan Rivers show.
Howard and his mother got back to the adoption thing and continued to go back and forth on that subject. Howard also told a story about his mother going out to a frozen yogurt place to eat and saying that it's healthy to eat. Howard said she just doesn't listen to anyone and doesn't want to believe that sugar is bad for her. He said she doesn't listen to him about it. He ended up hanging up on her a short time later after getting fed up with her stuff.
Gary said that he can't believe Howard was telling her that she needs to get laid. Howard said he'd call her back to ask her more about that. He tried dialing her number but had trouble with the phones. He got her back on the line and asked her if she wants to be celibate or not. She said she never said that and she doesn't want that. She said she does have a love life and that made Howard want to throw up. He said he knows that they can't possibly be doing it anymore. He eventually apologized to her for hanging up on her but said she was being relentless with her comments.
Howard told his mommy that he loves her and let her go a short time later. He said they had Alice Cooper coming in shortly so he wanted to get to that. They rewrote Alice's song ''Eighteen'' and sang some of the lyrics they had come up with. Robin was liking that.
Alice said he got Howard some metallic underwear so he gave that to him. Howard said he remembers seeing Alice for the first time at a concert. He talked about how cute his wife was and how he was flown in by helicopter. Howard was back stage and saw them bring Alice in all draped in towels so no one would look at him. He said it was unreal to see that happening, it was too cool. He said that Alice's wife was also in blankets. Alice didn't remember all of that, he said he doesn't remember 1978 to about 1982. Alice said he was throwing up blood every morning back in those days.
Alice said he was afraid to give up drinking alcohol back in those days and that's why he kept it going. He said he didn't want to know how Howard prepares for his show. Alice said that Howard's mother sure came on strong. Howard said that she doesn't put it on for the radio either. She lectures him on everything.
Howard talked about doing his transcendental meditation and that led to Alice talking about that relaxation tape he played earlier. Howard played a little more of that for him. Alice talked about the concerts that he's doing and some of the crazy stuff they do during the show. Howard said he likes the theatrics that they do in his shows. He said he used to be able to get his mother out of the house by playing Alice's music. He said that his mother would listen to a lot of the music he listened to, but not Alice's.
Howard asked Alice about his wife and found out that Alice married her when she was only 17. Howard asked why he married her out of everyone he had been with. Alice said that she was ''the one'' and he just knew it. He said he's never cheated on her in all the years they had been married. Howard spent some time talking to him about her and then had to take a break.
Howard asked Alice how he met his wife. He said she was actually in his show and played a part. Howard asked about her parents letting her participate in something like that. Alice said she didn't know who he was at the time. She was into him though and she was very different than the other women he knew.
Howard said he would like to listen to some of Alice's new album. He talked to Alice about his hair and said he was thinking of letting his grow out a bit. He also talked to him about tattoos and how he was afraid to get one because he could get AIDS. He said that he'd probably let Dee Snider help him pick out something since he seems to know what's cool.
Alice said he's had people tattoo his face on their body and he thinks that's crazy because they're going to have that on them for the rest of their lives. He thinks that's quite a commitment to get something like that done.
Howard wanted to get to the song parody that they were going to perform but Fred was nowhere to be found. He was also told that they hadn't made copies of the lyrics since Jackie was waiting for his okay. Alice didn't know how the song went so Howard reminded him that it was to his song ''Eighteen.'' Fred came back and started playing guitar for the song and Alice seemed to be impressed with his playing. Alice then sang the lyrics that the guys had written for him. The song was about Jeffrey Dahmer.
Alice asked Howard who wrote the song. Howard told him it was Fred and Jackie, the two deviants, who had done that. Howard then got into some of Alice's new album. He played a little bit of ''Hey Stupid'' and then checked out a little bit of ''Feed My Frankenstein.'' Howard then told Alice he was going to call the PMRC and report him for writing satanic songs. The call didn't work out so well though. The woman who picked up just hung up on Howard when she heard who it was.
Howard asked Alice if he wanted to stick around during Robin's news. He ended up talking about how wild Howard's mother sounded when she called in earlier. They spent a short time talking about that call. Howard asked Robin to start her news after that. Robin read through some news stories and got Howard and Alice talking about President Bush for a short time. Howard was also asking Alice if he stays regular by drinking coffee after Robin mentioned something about that in a news story. Alice said that he's the most regular person he knows.
Howard gave Alice credit for some stuff he's given to the rock and roll world as far as the theatrics he does on stage and the type of music he does. Howard spent a few more minutes with Alice and then wrapped up the interview and let him go and went to break.
Howard went off on everyone but Fred and Jackie tried to defend themselves. Howard said the moment was gone because Alice is now gone. He said Gary could have done something too but he didn't tell them they had the guy coming in until this morning.
Gary said he told them last week that Alice was coming in. Jackie said that's true, they did know he was coming in. Howard kicked Gary out of there, calling him a Big Toothed Bastard. Howard said it was nice that they had a cool guy in there like Alice Cooper and Fred is in the bathroom peeing when they're trying to start the song parody. Howard continued to go off on everyone about the song parody. He was complaining about Fred disappearing in the bathroom so Fred asked him if he wanted him to leave. Howard said that would be fine but then had Robin get back to her news without getting rid of Fred.
Robin read a news story about Sam Kinison and how he may lose his FOX sitcom because he failed to show up for an appearance on the Joan Rivers show. They spent a short time discussing that since they had seen Sam that day that he missed Joan's show.
Howard ended up going off on Fred again during Robin's news. Fred wasn't on mic so Howard told him he should plug it in. Fred said someone had changed it on him and he didn't know. Howard asked Fred if he's into this show as much as he is. Fred claimed he was but Howard didn't seem to think that was true. Fred found it hard to believe that Howard thinks he doesn't care about the show. Howard said he thought he knew Fred better than that but he guesses he doesn't.