Howard started off the show taking a phone call from a guy who asked why they didn't have anyone defending Michael Richards. He thought the guy was just doing his act. Howard said that the guy was calling people the N-word, it's not a surprise that there aren't any people defending him. He and the caller talked about that whole thing and for a short time. Howard said that Michael Richards is supposed to meet with the people he offended and their lawyer and may settle and pay them off.
Robin said that Paul Mooney is coming in today and she read that he's said he thinks that Richard was suicidal over the whole thing. Howard said the guy doesn't owe them anything and he doesn't have to pay anyone off so it's kind of amazing that he's going to do something like that.
Artie asked how what Richards did hurt anyone financially. Howard said he did nothing. The guy just wants to get out of it all so it goes away.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he heard Howard saying he wants someone to lick his ass so he wanted to go over that. Howard said Beth won't do that for him and he understands why because it's so disgusting back there.
Howard said that what would be great is if Richards set up a whole fake trial and a fake jail that he could be sent to for all of this stuff he's done. Artie said he and his friend were trying to figure out what Richards is worth from working on Seinfeld. He was figuring that maybe it's like $15 million or something. Howard joked that Richards' lawyer said that his client is ''nig*er rich.'' Artie thinks that the guy is just nuts but he could probably sell out any club he works at now. Artie offered to open up for him if he wants him.
Artie said he'd love to have that guy come out on stage and just yell out the N-word like he did that time on stage. Fred played a couple of clips of that so everyone would know what they were talking about.
Another caller asked Artie if this will effect how Artie performs on the show. Howard said he's heard Artie say that no one is paying attention to him so he's going to continue doing what he does. Artie said comedians should be allowed to do whatever they want on stage so even Richards shouldn't have to stop. He said as long as you're being funny the club owners don't care what you're saying.
Artie said he's not going to be able to do business with this guy anymore because this guy saw him and wrote in about it. He said it wasn't even a lot of money. He said it was a few hundred bucks. Artie said he can't believe this guy saw him doing this.
Artie suggested that this guy forget what he saw out there at this diner. He said that his bookie doesn't do business out of this diner and the guy should just forget it. He was also saying that he would never buy drugs at a diner if he was back on heroin. He said he could have them delivered if he really wanted them.
Artie said he can't even bet in America anymore and that pisses him off. Howard told him he's just going to have to figure out another way to do stuff. Artie said he was pissed that this kid ratted him out, that's not cool. Howard reminded him that he didn't say what town this was in. He left that part out when he read the e-mail he got from the guy.
Howard said that his father is constantly hounded at the horse track and it really bothers him. He used to be anonymous until they talked about it on the show. Now the guy can't enjoy what he enjoys so much. Artie said that in the area he was in a silver Mercedes likes his isn't the norm so it probably stood out like a sore thumb. Artie said that the internet betting thing has kind of hurt this guy so he has to make money with guys like him who don't know how to use a computer.
Howard said he thought Artie was going to say he was just saying hello to a friend in his car, he didn't know he was going to admit to meeting his bookie. Howard said he shouldn't have come clean if he didn't want to say anything. Artie said they would have thought he was lying about it if he had done that.
Artie said he lost a few bucks over the weekend betting on some games. He said that he gets a pain in his chest when he loses and he was feeling that this weekend. He said that Norm MacDonald used to bet on dice games and stuff when they'd hang out and he'd get that pain in his chest as well. Artie said he actually did okay over the weekend but he didn't want to say exactly how much he lost. He said that he keeps track and for the whole season he's actually up.
Howard didn't believe that Artie knew he was up. Artie said he knows in his head that he's up money. He's not betting each week though. He figured that he's up by about $2500 for the season. Howard said that he's really got to stop with that stuff but Artie said that's what he does while Howard goes out to the Hamptons and fishes. Howard told him to come out to the Hamptons with him and stop betting like that.
Artie said that he's not that abnormal for a guy who came from where he came from. When he's in the studio he's kind of abnormal. He told a story about a friend who he went to visit at college one time. He said that he and his friend bet on a Lacrosse game one time and it was the most exciting 3 hours he had in his life. He said he ended up losing a grand when he only had about $200 to his name.
Robin said that Artie could never get the same rush betting with a friend as he does with a bookie. Artie pretty much agreed with that.
Robin also said that if Artie gets a show with this FOX development deal he has, he's going to have to figure out how to use a computer so he doesn't have to have run-ins with the fans out there. Artie said this whole thing started with this jerk-off who wrote that letter about seeing him out there.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Artie saying that he's up this year is kind of like asking a fat guy how much he weighs. They always make it seem better than it actually is. He thinks that Artie is down by more than he's saying he is. Artie said he gives himself an allowance and it's kind of like a recreation allowance.
Another caller said he knows what Artie goes through, he has to bet on games or he gets bored with them. Artie said he does like to do that with his favorite teams like the Yankees. Howard said he respects money too much to bet it on games like that and he'd also hate to feel like he's lost something after a game.
Artie said he got hooked on gambling when he was in his late teens. He said his parents weren't very strict with stuff when he was growing up so he got into stuff like that. Howard asked Artie what he could win at this point. Artie said that he thinks that a lot of this came about after his father got paralyzed.
Artie said that he wouldn't want to give up being famous just because he can't bet in public. Howard said that it's all probably some very complicated stuff. Artie said that when he goes to a Yankee game people do come up to him and it's gotten to be more and more so it is kind of tough to go out and enjoy something like that.
Howard said that Artie's perfect life would be to be really rich but not be famous. Artie said that Sam Simon is a guy who has the money but not the fame because people don't recognize him. Robin and Howard said that Sam wants chicks to come up to him when he goes out to Vegas but it doesn't happen for him as much as it would for someone who is more recognizable.
Howard said he knows a wealthy guy who he knows that has a ton of money but he flies under the RADAR because no one recognizes him. Howard said he would love that himself but it's not going to happen.
JD had pulled the clip of this woman talking about him on this religious show so Howard played that. In the clip this preacher was talking about this book that was written by this woman Liz Curtis Higgs, called ''Embrace Grace.'' He said that Howard Stern had called this woman a bad girl at some point in her life. Howard said he doesn't remember doing that though. Howard said he remembers her as being a 20-something year old woman but now she's an old lady.
In the interview Liz claims that Howard worked with her at WWWW and one day told her she needed to clean up her act. She took his advice and did that. Now he's a religious freak. Howard said he doesn't think people need religion to clean up their acts like some people think they do. Howard said it was kind of freaky to tun in and see this woman he sued to work with talking about stuff like that.
He took a call from Bobo after that and also mentioned that he got a lot of feedback about the Penny Crone special that ran on Howard TV. He said a lot of people really liked that special. Bobo said that he saw Beth in a picture recently where she looked really good. Howard said that Beth was hired by Gillette to promote this Fusion razor that he's actually been using. He said she had to go out and take pictures with guys who won some contest they were running. He said that he doesn't really have a problem with her going out to do that stuff. If she's going to cheat on him she's going to do it no matter what so he doesn't want to worry about it.
Bobo told Howard to check out this FHM magazine cover that he was talking about because this chick in the magazine has a really great ass. Howard said he's seen that chick but she doesn't do it for him at all. Gary said that he knows of the woman that Bobo is talking about and she's one of those chicks who has a big ass. He said some guys go nuts for that but it doesn't do it for him either. Gary said they kind of created that whole thing by putting her on the cover of the magazine.
Howard said that he likes a Pam Anderson look with the long, thin legs and the big boobs. Artie said that Jennifer Aniston has a great ass. Howard said he agrees with that but it's attached to that sour-puss face of hers. Artie agreed that she does have that look but her ass is still great. Bobo asked Howard when Pam is going to hit the wall. Howard said he thinks the face is going to be the first to take a hit and it's going to start looking weirder and weirder.
Howard said he hopes that Pam goes in the Marilyn Monroe direction and maybe doesn't make it to the age of 60. Howard said he was just kidding but he hopes that she doesn't stay in the public eye when she's not hot. Gary said that Shelly Winters was apparently hot at some point but he finds that very hard to believe.
Howard said that he used to beat off to women when he was a kid to women like Honey West, Ann Francis, Barbara McNair and Stella Stevens. Artie said he used to beat off to Barbara Eden back when he was a kid. Robin said she'd like to see Raquel Welch now. Gary said she was still hot when she was about 50.
Artie said he told his friend Deej that he was going down so he blew off his family and went down with him. He said he and his friend were talking about what they would say to the guy when they met him and they were all gay with that stuff. He said that they were told that Springsteen was there and the guy was going to bring them back there.
Howard said he met Bruce one time and he wasn't all that talkative. Artie said that Howard used to be one of the guys that he and his buddies always wanted to meet. He said he got close to Bruce when this guy tapped him on the shoulder and told him who he was. He mentioned he was on Howard's show and all of that. Bruce turned to him and asked him how he was doing in that Bruce voice of his. Artie said that it was really anti-climactic. He said he told Bruce who he was and Bruce just said ''Alright man, yeah.'' Artie said his buddy shook his hand and then they just stood there not saying a word for a few seconds.
Artie said that he told Bruce that his music has meant a lot to him and his friend growing up. Bruce then says ''Alright man, take care.'' Artie said that he kind of understands that kind of thing because he knows how a celebrity deals with the fans. He said if it was a hot chick he would have probably talked to her.
Howard said he met Bruce this one time and Bruce was with his wife. He said he went over to him and said hi to him but he knew that they were kind of having a Mexican stand off. He said his wife came over and stared at him like she was seeing a monster. She couldn't stop staring at him for whatever reason.
Robin said she met Bruce one time too at a Rain Forest concert. She said she knew a lot of people from going to those concerts so she waited until he was in a conversation with James Taylor. She said she went over to them and spoke to James until James introduced him. Then Bruce got into the conversation.
Artie said he heard that Bruce was into Howard until the late 80s when he must have said something about him. Artie said he and his friend were going over what could have gone wrong in that conversation. They figured that maybe Bruce thought that he was like a Stuttering John who was going to ambush him. Artie said the coolest part of the night was when Bruce and that other guy performed some songs at this club.
Gary said he's tried to meet the guy a few times but he came close but didn't actually meet him. Artie said he's seen like 50 of his concerts and stuff like that so he's a really huge fan.
Gary said that he could help produce the show but Robin didn't think they had enough time to put it together before Christmas. Howard said he thinks this guy is on to something. The caller said that his idea was a bit grander and wanted to get Howard TV involved to tape it. Howard said they're always involved. The caller said he wanted to maybe do it for Easter and follow her around picking the songs and stuff. Robin said she would do it but she really can't do anything for Christmas. Howard said that maybe she can do it on New Year's Eve. She said she's going to be in Barcelona at that time so she can't make it.
Artie said he'll be doing some stuff on New Year's Eve when he has a band on stage with him. He'll be performing songs and stuff and they'll be broadcasting that on New Years Eve. Howard took another call from a guy who said he doesn't want to hear Robin singing. He made fun of her not getting that TV show deal she had a few years ago.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that he remembers Howard goofing on Bruce many years ago and how he thought he'd never listen to Howard again after that. Artie said he realizes that he has to make compromises when you're a fan of the Stern show. Howard said he appreciates some of Bruce's music but he was never into the cultish kind of worship that people have for him.
Artie said that he and Howard have only one person in common who they love... and that person is Howard. Artie said that he loves Howard and Howard loves Howard so they do have that in common. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Artie said that Eddie Murphy was interviewed and was talking about how miserable he is. In the article they talk about how hated Eddie Murphy is to work with. He spent a minute on that before Howard moved on to some other things.
Howard said that he's been playing a lot of heavy metal music on the show lately and a lot of people say they don't want them playing that stuff anymore. He had a new one to play though so he played some of this band performing a metal version of ''Little Drummer Boy.'' Artie was laughing his ass off as it was playing. Howard said he still likes the band with the dog that they played last week.
Howard had another metal song that he wanted everyone to listen to and figure out what it was called. Howard played that song but no one could understand what it was. Howard said it was ''Entrails Ripped from a Virgin's Cunt'' by Cannibal Corpse. Howard read the lyrics and played the song again so they could hear what he was talking about.
Howard played a little bit of the Little Drummer Boy song again and said he wanted to read some mail. Richard Christy came in and told him he had some more Caninus songs to play as well. Howard played some of the songs where they have a pit bull growling and barking during their songs. Richard said that one of the guys in that band apparently used to be one of Robin's interns back in about 2000.
Howard asked Paul what's going on and why he's going to go ahead with this. Paul said it's already a done deal and he's just saying ''no'' to the N-word. Paul said that he talked to Richard Pryor about dropping the N-word many years ago when he dropped it from his act. Paul said he thought it was wild for him to drop that word from his act. He didn't stop using it himself back then though.
Howard said he's not a fan of the N-word but he thinks that there is a certain flavor to it that can make a punch line work. He said that if it's used in the right way, by a black comedian, it can make a joke work. Paul said that he's seen the light and he's used it enough at this point.
Paul said he got freaked out when he saw Michael Richards ranting like that. He said he knows the guy seeing him doing what he was doing just made him snap. He said he thought about why Richards was doing what he did and wasn't sure why he went there.
Paul said that Richards was a great comedian many years ago before he was on Seinfeld and he was trying to make a comeback. He said that the worst part is that the black people in that audience were whiter than Michael was. He said you could hear it in their voices when they were yelling back at him. He went on to say that Michael was trying to hurt back and tried to be funny but it didn't work. He kept digging a hole deeper and deeper and he thought he was in a Klan movie or something. He said he would never give anyone the power with that word again after seeing that video clip.
Paul said he has started doing shows without using the N-word and it worked out just fine. He said that he did slip at one point but he was doing a character at the time. He said he was doing a dog as if he was talking to OJ when he let it slip.
Paul said that Dave Chappelle came to his show to see him do it without the N-word. He said that when he slipped though, the audience went nuts. They loved it. Robin said she knew that he would slip and couldn't stay on the wagon for long. Paul said that it's his right to change his mind though so he can use it or not use it if he wants to.
Howard asked Paul how often he used the N-word in his act when he was using it. Paul said it was a lot. He said he went on stage and said ''Hello black people'' instead of using the N-word the night he did that show. Paul said that people seem to want Richards to be deported from the country and stuff like that.
Paul told Howard that he thinks that Michael Richards paying off the people he offended isn't good enough for him. He said he wants Richards to have to give Oprah Winfrey head on her show. He thinks that would make things right.
Howard said that he thinks that it's kind of ridiculous that they want him to pay this family. Paul said that Michael is not well and he shouldn't be agreeing to do stuff like that. Paul said he was actually one of the guys who met with Michael when Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton met with him. Howard wondered why he was included in that group. He said they could have gotten Chris Rock or Eddie Murphy or someone like that. Paul thinks that he's one of the originators who used the word in his act so that's probably why they asked him.
Howard asked Paul if he had to agree to give up the word to be part of that meeting. Paul said that would never happen, he decided to do that on his own. Paul said he went to this meeting and Michael saw him come in. He said he seemed to be shocked to see him.
Howard interrupted and said that DL Hughley said that if the people in that audience were real 'nig*ers' they wouldn't have let Richards get out of the club that night. Paul said that there was a comedian who got beat up after using the N-word on stage. It is a dangerous thing to say on stage so you have to watch it.
Howard asked Paul if he thinks that rappers should stop using the N-word. Paul said that he thinks that it all has to stop. He got back to the Michael Richards thing and said that Richards gave him a really tight hug and told him about how he's not a racist. He said that some white people came to him and told him they feel the same way. He said he doesn't want to be the head of the Klan and that stuff scares him.
Howard wonders why Richards is talking to these people. Paul said that he had a mental breakdown, it's that simple. He said that it's time to heal and they have to make time to take lemons and make lemonade. He also pointed out that Mel Gibson was the atomic bomb with his comments and Richards was just part of the fall out of that whole thing.
Paul said that the meeting he was in was a couple of hours long. He said that Richards is not in denial and knows what his demons are. Howard suggested that he go out on tour with Richards on ''The Healing Tour'' and both of them can not use the N-word on stage. He wondered if the mood of the meeting was really heavy. Paul said things kind of lightened up as it went on. Paul said it was a big deal and they had food and liquor there. Artie asked if there was any blow. Paul just laughed.
Paul said that there were people yelling at Michael in the meeting. He said that everyone is using the word though so maybe Richards shouldn't be taking the fall for it. Howard said that the white man used that word as the last word blacks heard before they were lynched. Paul said that no one should be using that word at all now.
Howard took a call from Irish John who brought up the Barbara Walters story that Paul told a few weeks ago when he was on. He claimed that Richard Pryor had slept with Barbara. When she called the show, she said that she never did that and it was a lie. She said that it was a lie on her show when he called her during vacation. Paul laughed and said that if she denies it, what can he say. He claims he never saw them banging but Howard thought that's what was going on.
Irish John said that Paul is back peddling. Paul said that's not the case, he said that Richard told him not to talk about it until he was gone. He also had a new name to add to the list and said that Richard was with Connie Chung when she was still hot and doing the news. He said that she was coming around to see Richard all the time back then. Robin asked if he ever saw them kiss. Paul said that they were tongue kissing all the time.
Howard said that Connie was a beauty and Paul said that you have to go back about 15 years, that's when she was still hot. Howard took another phone call from a guy who asked why they're making such a big deal about Paul Mooney not using the N-word anymore. He said he doesn't give a shit himself. Artie said that if his uncle stopped using it, that would be progress. He doesn't think that it effects what white people do when Paul stops using it.
Artie said he doesn't think that white people care if a black comedian stops it. Howard took another call from a guy who said that Paul is very funny today. Howard said he's always funny. Paul said that he thinks they should start fining people for using the word like the FCC does with cursing. Howard told him that's ridiculous though and you can't fine people for speaking their minds.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he thinks that Paul is full of shit with all of this. Paul asked him if he could live in a world without that word. They spent a few seconds going back and forth on that. Howard took some more phone calls after that. One guy got Paul so fired up that he used the B-word (bitch) when he was telling the guy he was fucking his mother. Earlier he had claimed that he was going to stop using that word along with the N-word. Paul said he had a little bit of a meltdown and laughed his ass off for a few seconds.
Howard played some of the interviews that Sal the Stockbroker did with some people up in Harlem recently. Paul got a few laughs out of that stuff too. One of the guys was using the N-word like crazy during one of the interviews.
Howard asked Paul if Michael Richards is safe in this world. Paul said that Richards is going to have to go through a healing period and this is far from being over for him. Howard told Paul that maybe Richards should have to eat out Rosa Parkes and some other famous black women in history to get over this whole thing. Paul suggested Harriet Tubman. They all threw in some other names. Artie threw in Wheezie Jefferson while the other guys were throwing in other famous black women. Paul started laughing his ass off at a few of the things they were talking about at that point. Howard told him that he should have brought up that eating out Oprah idea at that meeting they had with Richards.
Howard gave Paul a few plugs for his DVD ''Paul Mooney: Know Your History - Jesus Was Black, So Is Cleopatra'' during the interview. The DVD is coming out in February.
Artie said they were forgetting about the most important black woman for Richards to eat out, Whoopi Goldberg. Paul said that Whoopi called him and asked for a pass using the N-word for one show she had coming up. After that she's going to stop using it. Artie asked for a pass using it during the next Giants game.
Paul told Howard that he saw the new movie that Eddie Murphy is in and he thinks it's going to make billions because it's an old school kind of movie. Howard asked Paul why they didn't call him to be part of that meeting he had with Michael Richards. He would have loved to have been there for that. He also suggested that they have Michael eat out the Williams sisters after they've played tennis. Paul seemed to like that idea.
Howard was throwing out more names for the Michael Richards eating out thing. Paul liked when Howard suggested Macy Gray. The figured that she probably has a big bush down there. They got sidetracked talking about Scientology for a short time. Paul then said that for the eating out show they would have to have Lassie the dog as the final eating out. Robin said she has to go see Paul doing his shows at Caroline's later this month to see if he can make it through without using the N-word.
Howard thanked Paul for coming in to clear things up... and then said that he cleared nothing up. Paul said that they still have to work on getting other people to stop using the word. Howard told him it's always a pleasure to have him there. He gave him a plug for his album and went to break.
Howard read through some e-mail and said that people liked the Katt Williams interview. Robin said that Katt had two cups with him and he kept spitting into one of them. Artie thought he was chewing tobacco. Robin said she thought that might be what he was doing but she wasn't sure. Howard said that chewing tobacco is the worst thing you can do and any oral surgeon will tell you that. Artie said he has friends who are addicted to it.
Howard said that some people wrote in about the Tito Ortiz interview and how he was talking about fighting Chuck Zito. Tito said he could beat his ass no problem but the fans think that Chuck could take him. Artie said he would never fuck with Chuck no matter what.
Howard read an e-mail about Benjy showing up in the celebrity pictures on his web site. Howard said he's kind of like their Alfred E. Newman and kind of likes it. Artie said that Benjy was in a picture of James Brown that was pretty funny. Howard said it is kind of fun to look at Benjy in those pictures so that's how people should look at it.
Artie said that people ask him what he thinks was the best interview he's ever seen Howard do and he thinks that it was the Paul McCartney interview. He talked to Paul about how he had sent Yoko Ono over to John's apartment when she came to his apartment one day looking for stuff to auction off. He wasn't attracted to her so he sent her off to John Lennon's apartment as a goof. Next thing they knew John had fallen in love with Yoko.
Howard took a call from a guy who had more about that Dear Prudence story. He told the guys what he knew about the story and corrected Artie about some of what he said. Howard had Fred play the song for them so everyone would know what they were talking about. Howard said his song would be ''Dear Prudence, Swallow My Load'' so Fred threw in some gagging sound clips while the song was playing.
Howard said that the song was cool and had Fred play another one that was about Jane Fonda called ''She Said, She Said.'' That led to Artie talking about another song that he heard was actually Eric Clapton being sarcastic about his wife taking too long getting ready one night. Howard wanted to hear that one as well so Fred played ''Wonderful Tonight.'' Howard listened to the lyrics and it could have been Clapton goofing on her. Fred said he heard the same thing about that song.
Howard said he doesn't know what this one song was about so he played Mark Harris' song ''I'm a Gay Papa.'' The guys said that was a tough one to figure out. Howard said that the Beatles ''Black Bird'' was supposed to be about black's rising up but Fred told him that it was about Dianna Ross and said that's what McCartney had said when he came in.
Howard said he also wanted to know about this other song... and played Ed Torian the Lie Detector guy singing ''My Niggas.'' Gary came in and said that there are some other mis-interpreted songs like Green Day's ''Time of Your Life (Good Riddance)'' because people think it's a nice song when it's really a ''fuck you'' type of song. Howard said you don't know that unless you're Billy Joe from the band though. Howard played some of that song and said that he had a moment over the weekend and got really jealous of that guy when he heard one of the songs and heard a harmony that sounded so great. Fred thought it might have been ''Boulevard of Broken Dreams.'' Howard said it would be so cool to have that kind of talent and be able to perform it on stage for people. He said that made him jealous for a short time but he got over it pretty quick.
Howard said he had a ''Boulevard of Broken Booeys'' song parody to play. He played that song which was done by Sal the Stockbroker. That led to him talking about how many Baba Booey songs they've had come in lately. He wanted to play some of those. The first one was ''Booey Fever'' which was one of his new favorites. He also had a ''Booey Sharona'' that he quickly played.
Gary told John to say how much he made from doing that porn movie he made. John didn't make a cent, he didn't even get that out before Howard figured it out. John tried talking but each time he tried to speak, Howard would play one of the song parodies they have where they put in his many different stutters. John eventually tried to tell Howard about why he didn't make money off of that DVD. He said the DVD sold but the ugly little troll who runs the company... Howard cut him off and said he doesn't have to disparage anyone. John said that he got the shaft in more ways than one with that whole deal.
As John was stuttering again Howard played another song parody. Howard told John he's glad he's out of the porn business and he hopes that he can find true love. He told him that maybe he should stop trying to talk and maybe learn sign language instead. John told Howard that he needs a deaf, dumb and blind girl.
Howard took a call from a guy who had to know who was playing those songs while John was stuttering. Fred said it was Howard, not him.
Howard said that his cousin Richie sent him a box of new stuff from this new company he's got. Years ago he ran a health food store that was sold to Whole Foods and they got really huge. Now he's doing some kind of bee thing where they make products out of bee products. He said the name of the company is like Bee Suticles or something like that. He said he can't stand bees himself and he's not sure why they're so into them. Howard said he took some of this bee stuff and rubbed it on his elbow and it seemed to work.
John told Howard that he tries to support that stuff because he's a vegetarian himself. Howard said that Beth was asking him to cut out all meats but he eats a lot of chicken. He said he could keep eating fish though. He said he does get grossed out when he thinks about eating a bird though. Robin said she's thought about that when she's ripping into a chicken sometimes.
John said that he supplants the protein with a lot of nuts and beans. Howard told him he's got so much difficulty with his speech that he really should learn sign language and start banging deaf girls.
Howard asked John if he's doing comedy. John said he did one with Bob Levy but he no longer wants him doing shows with him. Howard told John that doing stand-up comedy is not for him and he has to be taken in small doses. Howard said that if he went out and just said ''ha, ha, ha, ha.... Hello'' or something, that might work. He played those song parodies before John could say anything though.
John told Howard one of his jokes even after Howard told him he didn't want to hear it. John asked ''How do you make a country grow?'' ''You shoot a load on it...'' Artie said he could hear Bob Levy pulling him to the side telling him which jokes worked and which didn't.
John said that he's been staying home a collecting SSI and going to therapy. He was telling the guys a story but Howard cut him off with one of the many song parodies he had from Dan the Song Parody Man. John said that his psychiatrist is hot but when he tried to tell Howard more about her, he got cut off and had to listen to more of the parodies.
John had to compete with the song parodies and with Fred doing his impression of him. John said that he and Benjy both have an infatuation with... who knows, Howard cut him off again and played another song parody. Howard told John that he should go out and perform some of these songs instead of doing comedy. Howard took a call from someone who had John the Stutterer audio clips to talk to John the Stutterer. John on the phone was calling John on the show names. John figured it was that ''scumbag the midget'' calling in to goof on him so he wasn't going to respond to it.
John said that the guy manipulating the clips was the guy who looks like Robin Williams. Artie figured it was Sal playing the clips but John apparently thought it was Yucko the Clown.
Howard said that he thinks he's doing Letterman next Tuesday. Artie said he's going to be doing it on January 3rd. Howard said he doesn't really have anything to talk about but he's going to go on anyway. Artie said he thought it would be cool to do the show the same night as Howard but they're apparently doing it about a month apart.
John the Stutterer suggested that Howard take some strippers on and stick straws up their cunts and asses and suck out the juices. He didn't stutter once when he said that. He said that's one thing that he loves to do so it came right out when he though of it.
Howard played a prank call that Evil Dave Letterman made to Mark Harris one time. After that he brought up some articles about how SIRIUS is going to be offering video in the future and that maybe coming later next year.
Howard took a call from Blue Iris (audio clips) but John knew that it was just a recording. Blue was telling him how youthful he was and how she wanted to tickle his prostate. John told her to go fuck a duck. He knew it was a recording and didn't want to play along with it. Howard asked John if he had gotten laid since doing the porn movie. He said ''No, of course not...''
Howard had Bob Levy on the phone so he asked him why he's not using him on stage. Bob said that the shows are only an hour and a half and he goes like 20 minutes with 3 jokes. He said he should do something different like juggle or something.
Howard read that Jay Leno is suing someone over stealing some of his jokes. Howard said that's ironic because Jay and his writers steal bit ideas from his show all the time.
Howard read an article about how SIRIUS up in Canada has 200,000 subscribers and 70 percent of the satellite subscribers up there. They've beat XM 2-1 in a level playing field up there.
Howard found another article about Larry King recently and what a scumbag he was years ago. He apparently used to ask to borrow money from the families of the women he would marry. This book that was in the article, ''Miami Beach Memories: A Nostalgic Chronicle of Days Gone By,'' claims that there are still a lot of angry people down there who were never paid back the money they lent him.
Howard took another call, this time from Wood Yi audio clips, but John wasn't answering him either. He knew that they were just audio clips and he wasn't going to answer them. They had Mike Walker audio clips that they called in with a short time later. John said that he's not an idiot and he knows that they're just audio clips. They called in with some Mark the Bagger audio clips next. John just sighed and refused to answer. He moaned like he was in pain over the whole thing.
John told Howard he wanted to make a political statement. Howard told him to keep it short. He said ''Fuck Anne Counter, Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Tucker Carlson...'' and every other conservative jerk off out there. Howard took another call from the guys who had some Riley Martin audio clips. Howard said that was enough of that for now.
John asked if he could bring in the Christmas gift that he had for him. Howard told him he didn't want anything from him and he shouldn't be buying him gifts. Howard then took a call from Artie Lange who called John a loser faggot. John said it wasn't really Artie because Artie was sitting right there. Artie threw in some of those lines for real but then told John he loves him.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she has a really hot hooker out in Vegas for him. Artie told her to do him a favor and find him a casino tomorrow. He did tell her to leave her number with the guys just in case he wants to hook up with her. The woman said she had been with this chick and had to pay about $600. She said she looked like a young Whitney Houston. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard played the call that Artie was talking about. The guys had taken clips of Ronnie and called this guy which freaked the guy out and got him really pissed off very quickly. Howard said that guy on the phone is probably one of those guys who goes nuts in a fight. He could tell just from hearing him in that call.
Howard talked about watching a fight over the weekend and how tough it was. Howard said he only lasted about 5 rounds before he tuned out. Robin said that's about how far into that fight she got as well.
Howard said that he was listening to the Intern Show the other day and they were talking about what kind of gifts they'd like to get if they got gifts from him. He said that he gives the interns gifts every year and they must not realize that.
Howard mentioned that he's been giving all kinds of gifts and just gave Doug Goodstein some baby stuff. Artie said he wanted to talk about the gift that he got from Howard but Howard was afraid it was going to open a can of worms... but he told Artie to go ahead and do it.
Artie said that he hardly ever crows over what he gets but Howard is going to be flying some people down to Bubba's wedding in Florida and will be paying for their rooms as well. Gary said that is a great gift. Howard said that this private jet only had 10 seats. He said he realized that there are only 10 seats on the plane and Artie and Robin are both not bringing a guest. He said that Benjy sits in the studio but if he invites Benjy, he might have a problem. He said he might insult Richard and Sal if he doesn't invite them on the plane. He said that all three of them are big contributors but he figured he might have to keep it to just the main people on the show.
Howard wonders if he should put Tim Sabean and his wife on the plane or Benjy. Then he had Ross over to his place and Ross asked him when he was going down. He said Benjy has to come before Ross because he's on the show. He said he's planning on getting people nice gifts for Christmas but this flight is really something.
Gary came in and said that he wants to have some people to his house so he's setting up a party for all of the guys. Howard cut off Gary and said that Bubba isn't even having a dinner for his wedding so they have to go out and have dinner somewhere else. Howard said he's not going to take Bubba out for dinner either because he's flying all of these guys down there for the wedding.
Gary said that he's been on a private jet before and there's no delay or anything like that when they fly. Howard said that maybe they should just fly to Miami and just forget about Bubba so they can have a nice vacation.
Gary got back to his party and said he had to come up with a cut off somewhere. He said that Benjy has become more of a part of the show since they moved there and he can't slight him. Robin said that Tim Sabean might have to take that spot though and Howard might have to cut him off. Artie wanted to take Benjy as his guest if that was the case then.
Benjy said that the only reason he cares is because it becomes a status thing for the future. He said he wants to come it's fine but it won't kill him if he doesn't get invited. Gary understood what Benjy was saying because he'd be considered second tier if he wasn't on that plane. Howard thinks that Benjy has been there as long as Jason and Will but Gary said he's actually been there much longer.
Sal came in and said that Benjy deserves to go on that plane and he and Richard have no problem with that. He also said that Benjy should be on that plane before Tim Sabean is. Howard said that Benjy would be staring at them and doing weird shit on that flight so he's really not sure he wants to do that.
Artie said that he's going to buy bus tickets for Sal, Richard and the others. Scott the Engineer came in and said that he's been with the show for 21 years and he can't believe that his name didn't come once. Howard said he knew that he shouldn't have gotten this as a gift. Gary said he thinks that Scott is really pissed too. Howard said Scott doesn't know that he stood up for him many times at K-Rock and he probably doesn't even realize that. He wanted an apology for what he just did because of that.
Robin said that Bubba got some Liquid Ass on his show the other day and sprayed it on 25 Cent who got pissed but had to apologize to Bubba for getting mad at him. He took a $20 pay off to stop being mad at him for the spraying of the shit smell.
Howard said he feels that everyone on the show, including Scott, is just as important as he is. He said he means that too, he's not just saying it. He said that Benjy is key to the show and he only has a few seats and has to draw the line somewhere. Howard said that if Artie and Robin were bringing someone, it would settle the whole thing. Artie asked if he could settle things by bringing a stripper, he'd do that. Howard said that would be fine and it would help if he did that.
Robin said she could bring her nephew but Artie said he doesn't want him on the plane because he makes him feel stupid. Artie said that Scott has an argument if the longevity thing is part of the whole equation. Benjy is a huge asset to the show though so he should probably be on that flight. Robin said she doesn't think that Benjy isn't worthy of the flight but Tim Sabean is very important to them as well.
The guys talked about how this wedding is already causing problems and they can't believe it's going on already. Gary thanked Howard very much for the gift because it really is huge. Artie said that he's surprised that Ronnie isn't pissed too.
Robin said that Howard should consider flying Tim Sabean down if she and Artie don't fill up the seats. Ronnie came in and said that Scott is out in the hall freaking out about the whole thing. Robin said that Scott isn't even going to the wedding. Scott came in and said that his wife wasn't going to go but he never said he wasn't going. He was still up in the air about the whole thing.
Howard told Scott that he's so insulted by Scott over this whole thing and he can't believe he's treating him like this. Scott said that Benjy is a piece of shit and shouldn't be going on that flight before him. Gary told Howard that Bubba was on the phone.
Howard picked up Bubba and asked him why he isn't having a dinner with this wedding. Bubba said he's not expecting a gift from Howard, he's just happy that he has a gig. Howard told him that he's flying all of these guys in. Bubba didn't know about that. He also talked about the snacks and stuff that they're having after the wedding. He said it's a late wedding and he's not into that whole dinner thing.
Artie asked Bubba if he expects him to wear a suit to this wedding. Bubba told him he doesn't have to do that and told him that he could wear one of his old suits from when he was fat.
Howard wanted to go down and lay out by the pool but Bubba told him that it's kind of cool, like 50-55 at night, and in the 60s or 70s. Howard wanted to skip the wedding and go to Miami instead. Bubba said that he was really nervous this morning talking to them about this stuff.
Artie told Howard that Tampa isn't going to be a treat in January so maybe they should go to Miami instead. He suggested that they go to the Super Bowl instead.
Artie was talking about the Doll House strip club down there in Tampa. That led to Bubba talking about how he was just there on Saturday night and some dude was sending him bottles of Kristal and Dom and put him in a strange situation there.
Howard asked Bubba what he thought about the Benjy and Tim Sabean thing. Bubba was stumped but eventually just said it should be Tim Sabean since he's his boss. He has more interaction with him and he can control his destiny more than Benjy can. Howard also asked Bubba about the dinner. Bubba said that he has some off duty sheriffs coming to the wedding to do security. He's going to have people bussed over from their hotel too because the wedding is about 15 minutes away.
Howard said he has to get out of there by 11 this morning so he really had to wrap this up. He asked Robin to let him know when she has a final decision. Howard took a call from Kyra who said she lives in Clearwater, Florida and knows where the food is coming from for his wedding and it's really good stuff. Artie said that good food down there is like something from Penn Station there in New York.
Bubba said that he thinks that Artie will end up coming to the wedding with Dana somehow so he wasn't going to hook him up with hot chicks like he was suggesting. Artie said he'll fuck that Akira chick's brains out. He's single now so he can do stuff like that.
Howard asked Robin if she was bringing anyone or not. Both she and Artie said that they aren't going to bring anyone. Fred said that he would suggest bringing Benjy and he wouldn't want Scott on there because of two words... ''Lynrd Skynrd.'' His black cloud might just follow them down there and take them all out at once. Howard said that Tim would be a lot more fun than Benjy though. Robin said she was going with Tim but maybe Benjy should be on there. Howard took their votes and said that he would have to go with him then.
Howard couldn't believe he was going to say it, he couldn't even get the words out. He said he was going to throw up thinking about it. He wanted to tell Benjy he was invited so Fred played a drum roll and asked him if he really wanted to be on there. Richard came in and asked if Ralph was going. Howard said he's not in that category so he wouldn't be on it. He then gave Benjy the official invitation. Benjy accepted.
Benjy said that maybe he can bring his luggage to the airport and they can just see what happens. Benjy thinks that Howard will tell him that he was invited the whole time but he will never know if that's the truth or not. Robin remembered the time when Stuttering John had a cold and was sneezing and snotting on everything while they were flying somewhere on a private jet.
Howard asked Robin if she wanted to take back her vote. She said she thinks he's deserving but she said she can't remember having a pleasant conversation with him. Benjy said he has to talk to his girlfriend because he's not sure if she can go yet. Howard told him that if she can't go then Robin can bring her nephew or Artie can bring a whore.
Howard got back to Steve Langford. Steve got back to his report and said that they'll have a story about Cabbie's comedy show. They also have a new Page 69 report about Richard Christy. He wrapped up and Howard had Jon Hein give his show preview. Jon said they'll be talking about this latest story that they just went over during the show today. They probably won't have much time for anything else today. Howard had Robin start her news right after that.
One story Robin brought up got the guys talking about what they would do if one of their kids grew up gay. Artie said that if he had a son that grew up gay, he would say that he was disappointed. He said that people are too politically correct these days but he wouldn't be afraid to say that he was disappointed. A short time later Howard was asking Artie if he would rather have a gay son or a son with no limbs. Artie said he would have to choose gay in that case. Then Howard asked him a few other scenarios and Artie said he would rather have a son with a missing foot than have a gay son.
Artie mentioned that they're doing a report on ABC news tonight at 8pm about the Comedy Film Festival that he was part of recently so they'll have some stuff about him in that. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:30am.
Howard started off the show saying that he was reading something weird this morning. He said he had no idea that copyright laws in London are different for the music industry than they are here. He said that the copyright laws last for 50 years over in London so in 2012 and 2013 the Beatles catalog will be public domain. Michael Jackson owns the rights to them now but in a few years he's going to lose them to public domain. In the U.S. They last for 95 years. He said that's weird to him.
Howard said that it's strange how something like that goes away after that much time. Robin said that you can't even sing the Happy Birthday song without getting into trouble. Howard said that song must be under the 95 year copyright rule here.
Howard said that he thinks that Bubba took quite a hit money wise when he came to SIRIUS but he's really not sure. Howard asked Artie about what he's going to do about eating that night because he's kind of a big guy. Artie said he'll be drinking and searching for leftovers for the night.
The caller said that Bubba was talking about how many animals he and his crew have between them. They counted 34. He said it must be like a hillbilly wedding that they're going to have down there. Howard said Bubba is just a regular guy when he's on and off the air. Howard said when he goes on Letterman next week he should spray liquid ass on his face like Bubba did to one of his guys.
Howard said he might want to bring that up with Dave next week. He told Gary to make a list of things to talk to Dave about and the Liquid Ass was first on the list.
The caller told Howard to call Donald Trump and ask him to borrow his private jet. Howard said he can't do something like that, he's not that close to the guy. He let the caller go a short time later.
Howard said that they're going to fly down to Tampa, spend a day hanging out and then go to Bubba's wedding the next day. He heard Benjy on the Wrap Up Show yesterday and wanted to play some of the audio from that. He said he's actually very happy about Benjy coming with him but Benjy vented on the Wrap Up Show.
In one clip Benjy was saying that he's glad he's flying down to Tampa because in the long term it can help his career. Howard told Benjy that he's insane and his logic is kind of crazy. He said they won't even remember that he came with them.
Scott the Engineer threw a tantrum about not even being considered to fly down with Howard on this 10 seat private jet. He said that he's not talking to Scott over this whole thing. Scott came in and said that he's fine and moving on after all of that. Howard demanded an apology from him for what he did. Scott said that not bringing up his name is wrong. Howard said he can't mention his name every time and said that Scott was a mental case.
Howard said that Scott is an ingrate and told him to get out. Scott asked why he's an ingrate. Howard told him that he had gone to Tom Chiusano more than once and told him that if they fired Scott, he was gone too. Scott didn't believe that. Howard explained to him that he really did back him up and saved his job. He was told that they couldn't help but fire him so Howard put his foot down and said he would leave if Scott was fired.
Scott compared himself to Barbra Streissand during the Wrap Up Show so Howard played that clip and tried to figure out what point he was trying to make. Scott tried to explain it to Howard but it wasn't coming out right. He told Scott that he's made his life easier by giving his work to other people like Sal and Richard. He couldn't handle the pressure in the past but Sal and Richard can.
Howard started singing a song to Scott about being bald to a Barbra Streissand song. Sal then came in with a picture of a black cloud and held it over Scott's head. Gary told Howard that Scott continued to rant in his office after the Wrap Up Show yesterday and Sal recorded it. Scott claims he knew he was recording it. Howard played the clip and Scott was flipping out that Howard never invites him to anything. He said he was upset that he didn't even get an honorary mention.
Howard said he doesn't have to take him out to dinner and doesn't have to be under his black cloud. He told him to get the fuck out of the studio if he wants to be mentioned. That led to Howard talking about how Scott demanded a million dollar salary when they moved there. Scott said he knew they wouldn't take him seriously and he was very flexible with how much they paid him. He said that the real number he wanted and the million dollar salary got the same reaction there at SIRIUS.
Howard asked Scott what else he should be doing for him other than inviting him to his apartment and taking him to dinner. He said he works with the guy already and isn't sure what else he wants from him. He and Scott have no chemistry together, they're just co-workers.
Artie thought that Scott was over at Howard's apartment for his New Year's Eve party one year. Howard said Scott wasn't invited. He clarified his relationship with Scott and said that they just work together. He thinks that he's a great guy but that's as far as he wants to go with him. He likes working with him and that's it. He has no desire to spend his weekend with him.
Gary said that the guys wanted to play a game with Howard. He gave him names and Howard had to pick which one he would bring on the plane with him. Howard picked JD, Ronnie, Dan the Song Parody Man, Brian Phelan, Steve the Intern, Penny Crone, Mutt, Steve Langford and Siobhan over Scott. He didn't pick Muhammad Atta or Beetlejuice over Scott though.
Howard told Scott that he can't think of a better person to work with but that's all he wants. He told Scott he still expects an apology from him but Scott didn't understand why. Howard told him he hurt his feelings and he wants an apology for that. He didn't bother giving Scott a wave this morning because he's so pissed at him. He didn't want any tension at work and Scott has made him tense.
Howard took a call from Bobo who said that Scott has been complaining for 20 years now and he doesn't realize how many people would kill to have his job. Artie said that Scott has a skill though and he couldn't be replaced by just anyone like Bobo seems to think. Artie admitted that he could be replaced by a fan easier than Scott could.
Robin said she heard that Scott was going off on Howard on the Wrap Up Show from Ronnie who said he's been through similar stuff. Howard said Ronnie used to be a driver, now he stands around pretending to be a security guard. That led to Ronnie coming in and saying that he didn't say anything to Scott but he has been through stuff like this.
Ronnie said that he and Howard once got into a fight over who was invited to a Scores party one time. He said he doesn't have a problem now but Howard seemed to think that he did have a problem.
Howard asked Scott if he's got permission from his wife to go to the wedding down in Tampa. Scott said he was waiting to see who was going before he decides. Everyone figured that Scott wasn't going to show up because he has to get permission from his wife. Scott said that's not true but the guys all think that he's so whipped that he isn't allowed to go. Scott said that he might go and he would like to go to the dinner that everyone is going to. Howard told him he's not invited so Scott said there's no reason to go then.
The guys were goofing on Scott because he has to stay home with his wife after their dog died months ago. Robin said that she has lost 2 cats in the past 4 months but she's not acting like it's the end of the world. Scott said it's like losing a family member though and it's very tough for his wife.
Artie told Scott that he must have quit smoking at just the right time because his voice sounded pretty bad on the Wrap Up Show yesterday. Scott said he's got problems and he has screwed up his lungs to the point where he has to take medication.
A caller said that if Howard had never brought Scott over there, he'd probably be changing light bulbs in a bowling ally somewhere. He also goofed on Ronnie so Ronnie went off on the guy.
Ralph called in and said that the loves how Scott has a name for his black lung. Scott calls it COPD. As he was talking about that Sal came in with a broomstick with a wig on it and stuck it on Scott's head. Howard asked Ralph if he's going to Bubba's wedding. Ralph was still on the fence about it.
Ralph said that yesterday's show with John the Stutterer was great, he loved the songs that Howard was playing over him. He also asked Robin about her comments about slavery during the show yesterday. Robin said she didn't think that slavery is depicted the right way in this country and it's not as easy going as people think it was.
Howard let Ralph go and then said goodbye to Scott. Howard ended up saying he was sorry to Scott as he was leaving but said he wasn't really sorry.
Artie said that now he has to figure out what to get Bubba for a wedding gift. He said he wasn't sure what to do since they're not even serving dinner. Robin said you're supposed to cover dinner costs but they're not even having dinner. Howard said he's going to get him some pickled pigs feet or something. Howard said he was going to give Bubba a grand. Robin said she was going to give five grand. Artie figured he'd give a grand himself.
Howard and Robin were giving Bubba's marriage about 3 years to last. Fred said he gives it a few years but he thinks Bubba will cheat within 6 months. Artie gave them 5 years.
Howard said he was talking to Beth about marriage and how he sees no reason to do it because he doesn't plan on having any kids. Benjy asked Howard if Beth would break up with him if he asked her to have kids. He said he thinks that she doesn't want kids right now so she probably would. Fred said that doesn't last that long because a switch goes off one day and all of a sudden they want kids.
Robin said that she knows a woman who had to break up with a guy because he wanted to have kids and she didn't. Howard said that he would prefer if Beth never changed but Robin told him that's very selfish of him to ask something like that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that a lot of people are doing weddings like Bubba is where they don't have dinner because so many people complain about it. Another caller said that she can't stand the thought of losing him and doesn't want him flying with everyone to Florida. She's afraid that Scott's black cloud is going to be lifted for that day and they're going to leave him behind. Howard said he hates flying and doesn't even want to think about that. Howard asked Artie if he's going to wear a suit to the wedding. Artie wasn't sure yet.
Howard said he met Carl Bernstein the other night at a friend's house. He said he thinks that the guy likes the show. He spent a short time talking about that and then said that he's thinking of dressing like the Crocodile Hunter when he goes to Bubba's wedding. He said he could run around catching bugs and fake crocodiles while he's at the wedding.
Howard took another phone call from a guy who said that Bubba's wedding is supposed to be really nice. He also said that Bubba is afraid that they're going to goof on his wedding on the show. Howard said everything will be fine.
Artie also told Howard that he screwed him yesterday when he mentioned the city where he had been seen making a deal with his bookie. He said he can't gamble now because the guy won't deal with him. He said the guy is sort of known there and he won't take his bets.
Howard told Artie he didn't have to say what he was doing at that diner, he could have just said that he was just meeting a friend. Howard had another letter from the guy who saw him but Artie didn't want him reading it. Howard said that he never did say what city it was where he was at, he just said what city it bordered. Artie was ready to meet this guy in person because the guy thought he wouldn't say anything to his face.
Ralph called in and told Artie he didn't have to say what he was doing out there at that diner. He could have just said it was a friend. No one was digging into his business, he just offered it up. Ralph also said he would take Artie's action because his bets are horrible. The two of them ended up calling each other names for a short time over all of that. They both said that they like each other though.
Artie was still goofing on the guy who wrote this letter and getting pissed at that guy. Ralph was throwing in some lines about Artie being fat and stealing his jokes from some hack like Jackie Martling. Artie said that he once saw Ralph steal $100 during a card game. He said he was going to stop there with his stories though.
Ralph called back in and said that he never steals money. Artie said that he made up that story and he was wrong about it. He said that maybe he didn't remember it right. He said that Ross saw it happen so maybe he would come in and confirm it.
Ralph started goofing on Artie about the way he stuffs his face... and a few seconds later he said he loves Artie. Artie said that it wasn't right to bring up that whole thing so he was going to drop it but Ralph kept goofing on him about his drinking and drug use. Ralph said that he never stole any money and wanted to know who he stole it from. Artie said there was another guy who saw him steal money a second time. He said that guy saw Ralph steal a tip from a table at Nobu.
Ralph asked Artie what happened at Nobu. Artie said that they were hanging at Nobu and Richie covered the bill but told them to leave a tip. Artie and some of the guys there saw Ralph snag some of the tip and confronted him on it. He said it was just a joke and threw the money back. Ralph didn't believe this story and wanted to know where exactly it was. Artie said it was out in Vegas. Ralph said he would never steal money from that place because he's had so many free meals.
Ralph said that he's disappointed in Artie for bringing up that story. He claims he would never steal money from anyone. Howard said he remembers the conversation about this in the past but didn't see it happen. Howard said he remembers both Artie and Ross telling the story but he wasn't aware of what was going on.
Dana's name came up during the conversation but Ralph wasn't aware that Artie had broken up with her. Howard quickly filled him in on how Artie got laid down in Atlantic City. Ralph said he was going to send along a picture of Artie on the plane to Vegas to show who was really out of it that day when he's claiming he stole money.
Howard took a call from Wayne Siegel who was at Nobu that night that Artie was talking about. Wayne said that he put a lot of money up on the table and said that it was short like $100. He asked Ralph if he took it and then Ralph handed over the money that he had taken. They had all put the money in the pot for the waitress and that's when he saw that there was some missing.
Ralph couldn't believe that he was doing this to him five years after it allegedly happened. Wayne said that there's no way Ralph pulled $100 out of his pocket to cover the money that wasn't there. Ralph said that he's not stingy and he would pay if he was supposed to pay. Artie said that he's kind of upset with what Ralph was saying about him. Ralph continued to do that and kept upsetting Artie.
Robin asked Howard who he would believe out of Ralph or Artie about something like this. Howard said he believes that he has to take a break. He thanked the guys and said he was going to go to break but took a couple of phone calls instead. The callers said that the two guys are a couple of wack packers. Ralph kept throwing in little digs at Artie about his movie and stuff like that. One caller said that he really hated Ralph in the past but he started to like him when he moved to SIRIUS, now he hates him again after this morning.
Howard kept taking calls and Ralph kept calling people names. Joey Boots told Ralph that he's so right on and he speaks the truth about everything. He said he believes Ralph about not stealing the money. Joey was the one person who held out on the jury. Howard said that he had already gone an hour and a half without a break. He took a few more phone calls and let people rip on Ralph.
Howard took one call from a guy who Ralph said he liked. Even that guy was saying that Artie should pop Ralph in that berry on his face.
Eric said he was going to be going to see some comedian who won Last Comic Standing. No one was sure why he was telling them that though. Howard said he had to go to break and tried to shut everyone up. Artie thought it was funny that Eric was calling in to tell them he was going to a comedy show. Howard mentioned the last time Eric called in and said that he was ready to fly with balloons but then demanded that he get a part on the TV show ''Heroes.'' Eric said he was looking for a part as an extra or something. Ralph said that he loves Eric but that's fuckin annoying when he makes demands like that.
Eric said that he was also looking to get to the Billboard Music Awards but that aired last night. Howard said it would be great to see Eric on Heroes. Ralph said that it would be kind of cool to see him whip by on his wheelchair.
Gary came in and told Howard that this guy Marshall Sylver had Sal, Richard and Ronnie all hypnotized in the green room and had all of them laughing uncontrollably out there. Howard said he had to get to that stuff but he also had to play some of the porn clips that are finalists for the funniest porn clip.
Eric got in his final word and said that Howard does have connections to the show ''Heroes'' and he could help him get on the show. Howard didn't know what he was talking about. Gary told Eric that they've helped him out in the past and he's such an ingrate that they shouldn't help him again.
Ralph asked Eric if he would fly with balloons on ''Heroes.'' Eric said he wasn't sure but ''possibly.'' Ralph was goofing on Eric doing that voice of his so Eric told him to shut up. Howard said he really had to take a break so he had to finish up with Eric.
Eric said that Howard has a connection with George Takei who is going to be on that show too. Howard said that he's just an actor on the show, he can't help get him on the show. Eric said that he had other things to talk about. He said that they have to stop using that word ''midget'' because it's just as bad as Michael Richards using the N-word. Artie went into the Michael Richards rant but was saying ''He'S A MIDGET!'' instead of using the N-word. Eric was pissed that they keep using the word because it's just as offensive to him as the N-word would be to a black person.
Eric said that the word is degrading and demeaning to him. Ralph wanted to call him off the air to talk to him. Howard hung up on both of them. King of All Blacks called in and said that he was beating off to Sean Bell's wife when she was on Larry King's show last night. She's the wife of a guy who was shot and killed by the New York City cops. Howard said he knows what King is talking about because she is hot.
In another clip a white girl is having sex with a black guy and tells the guy she wants his ''big nig*er dick'' in her ''little cracker hole.'' Howard played another one where this woman is screeching out in a really high pitched voice as she's orgasming. Howard said they got a lot of entries for this contest and he was just playing a few examples.
Howard had one that was labeled ''Noisy blow job'' so he played that one for the guys. Howard asked Artie which one he liked best so far. Artie liked the blow job. Howard liked the guy screaming. Gary told him that he had another clip for him to play. It was another blow job clip where the woman is gagging on the guy as he's doing her.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's got a wife who didn't want kids for the longest time. Then two years ago she decided she wanted one so now they're having a kid and they're going to name him Artie. He said it's actually Arturo but that was close enough.
Howard played a song parody that Dan the Song Parody Man created to the tune of Dear Prudence. Sal came in a short time later with a new Bob Levy song parody about Robin. Howard played the song which was about Robin's tits of course. Howard said that was very strong and Robin said that it was probably Bob's best song yet.
Marshall said that he's taken five guys on the show and put them under hypnosis. He said that all five of them are under and very good candidates for this. He said that Gary is a great subject and it shows a sign of high intelligence when people are that easy to hypnotize.
Howard read that Marshall had just done a movie so he spent a minute talking about that. Marshall said he put up his own money for the movie and they literally just finished it. Howard wanted to bring in the guys who were hypnotized so they could mess with them. He had JD, Sal, Richard, Ronnie and Gary. Gary said he wasn't hypnotized, he was told he was a great candidate.
JD said he didn't think he fell under the hypnosis. Sal and Richard were ready to go and acting kind of creepy. Ronnie said he didn't know what his expectations were but he did say that he was talking to Lisa earlier and thinks that she's really hot. Artie wondered who Lisa was.
Howard let Marshall go over and start doing whatever he was going to do. Marshall said he wanted to have some fun but didn't want to permanently damage anyone by pushing them too far. Marshall wanted to take the guys to the couch so they wouldn't fall over or anything like that. He told the guys to look at him, had them breathe deeply and then told them to sleep. They all passed out on the couch according to Howard.
Howard told Marshall to take Ronnie and tell him that he's a beautiful Scores girl and have him ride the Sybian. Marshall did his thing and told Ronnie he was going to be Ronnette and he was going to ride the Sybian machine. Ronnette said that he doesn't like his name and it's supposed to be Jaime. Howard called him Jaime and asked her how he became a stripper. ''Jaime'' told Howard that Lonnie called her after finding her in a restaurant. He described her pussy to Howard after he asked about it. He said that she's got a big bush down there. He said it was big but not all that hairy. He wasn't sure if it was smelly or not and started laughing during the discussion. When Howard asked him when he last fucked a guy he just laughed and said he was tearing from laughing so much.
Jaime said that she was only 27 and her pussy wasn't all that tight. She said she's got a lot of boyfriends and they use big things on her. Gary asked him if he ever puts his tongue up a man's ass. He said he loves that stuff. Howard asked her if she wanted to ride the Sybian. She said she wasn't sure but Howard kept asking. She wanted some money to get on it. Marshall tried making his need to ride it stronger and stronger but he was still asking for money.
Howard had Ronnie... er, Jamie, on the Sybian. He was complaining about part of it going up his ass. Ronnie started laughing as soon as Gary turned it on. He rode it for a short time before Howard had him get off of it and go back to the couch. Howard told him he was a pretty girl before Marshall put him back under and back to sleep.
Artie told Marshall to do Ronnie a favor and have ''Jaime'' jump off the roof. Gary said that Jaime's glasses got all fogged up during that whole thing so there must have been some kind of excitement going on.
Howard asked Marshall to ask JD some questions about a gay fantasy. While he was asking about that Ronnie started laughing like crazy. Marshall had to put him back under again. Howard asked Marshall to do some things with JD and told Marshall to turn into something he's not... a studly, ladies man. He told JD to wake up and realize that he was in love with Robin and he was going to sing her a song to profess his love for her.
When Marshall woke JD from his hypnosis, he said he wasn't singing to Robin. He said he wasn't under and wasn't going to sing at all. Marshall said that some people just can't be put under because they fight it too much. He thinks that he's too inhibited. He told him that he's got too much psychobabble going on in his head. JD said he knows that.
Howard told Gary to get rid of JD since he wasn't a good subject. Up next were Sal and Richard. Marshall told them that they were going to be attracted to people in the studio and woke them from their sleep. Sal said that he was attracted to Howard but he wouldn't suck his dick but would tongue kiss him. Sal said that he would even do ass to mouth stuff with him because he'll do anything to make him happy.
Howard asked Richard which guy he likes the most on the show. Richard said that Fred did some things on the show one day and he was attracted to him. Ronnie burst out in laughter when he heard that. Richard went on to talk about how good looking Fred is and how he rides a motorcycle so he's cool. He said he'd like to see Fred with his shirt off to see what kind of shape he's in. He said he'd like to get a massage from him or maybe give him a massage.
Howard asked Richard if he would jerk Fred off. Richard said he doesn't think he could do that. He could probably jerk off in the same room. He said he couldn't bring himself to do any of that stuff. Howard asked him which man he was least attracted to. He said it would be Jason. Sal said it would be Scott the Engineer.
Howard asked Richard who he hates the most on the show. Richard said it was Penny Crone because she's annoying and fake acting. Sal was up next with that question and he said it was actually Fred Norris. He said he thinks that Fred is a sociopath. Sal said that he's hard to read and that scares him. Marshall put them under a short time later.
Howard told Marshall that he's great with this stuff. He gave him a plug for his web site and said that he knows what he's doing. He asked Marshall if he left anything out. Marshall said that they have a program on his web site where guys can learn to pick up women with hypnosis. You can check that out at SubconsciousSeduction.com. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard said that he had the guy on the phone who wrote Artie the e-mail where he outted him about the meeting he had at the diner recently. The caller, Paulie, said that he was trying to help Artie, he wasn't trying to get him in trouble. He said he was concerned for him. He said that he's not afraid of Artie beating him up and he would meet with him at the diner if he wants. Paulie said that he found it odd that Artie was meeting his bookie on a Friday. He said that no one meets their bookie on a Friday. Howard ended up hanging up on the guy because Artie didn't seem to be ready to talk to the guy.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the bit they just did was great. Howard wondered if Ronnie knew what he had just done. Gary said that he thinks Ronnie knows what went on and he was showing him some stuff in his office. The caller also asked why they can't get Howard TV on the internet so they can buy pay-per-view clips instead of going to digital cable. The guy said he has satellite and doesn't want to go back.
Ronnie came in and said that he saw the video of what he did. Howard got pissed that the guys were showing him off the air instead of in the studio. Ronnie said he was fine with it but wondered why they do that weird shit to him whenever he's put under. He said he it was hideous and horrible what they did to him by putting a blonde wig on him.
Ronnie said he didn't hear any audio, he just saw the video. He was saying that everyone was looking at him weird out in the hall and he wasn't sure why. Then he saw the video and figures that he really does go under because he didn't remember doing that stuff. He said it's great that he gets so relaxed though. He said he was really loose after all of that.
Howard told Ronnie that he sucked Richard's cock during that segment. Ronnie knew that didn't happen because he warned Marshall before he put him under that he would kill him if he made him do anything gay with Richard. Howard let him go a short time later.
Howard took a call from a guy who sounded like he was a bit out of it and couldn't get his thoughts out. Howard asked him if he was drunk or something. The guy said he was and then said ''good night'' and got off the phone. Howard wondered what kind of fan that was calling in and having nothing to say.
Howard said that Lisa G was running around giving out gifts to people there as Christmas gifts. Lisa showed up and told Howard that there were two batches of coupons that she got via e-mail. She said they were good for up to 30 percent off at Bloomingdale's and Macys. Howard said that she handed them out to the people there and Ross' wife got a hold of them and almost got arrested for trying to use them at the store.
Lisa said that she used the first batch of coupons and they worked fine. Then she went to another store and was told she needed the actual postcard. Lisa said that she gave the staff the coupons and no one used them even though they jumped on them when she offered them up.
Lisa said that the coupons she gave out were viral coupons that spread via e-mail and you are allowed to make copies of them.
Lisa got to her Howard 100 News preview and said they have an interview with Gloria Alred. That was it for her preview, Howard booted her out after she mentioned that.
Robin asked Howard if he likes to use his celebrity to get free stuff. Howard said he really doesn't but the other day he mentioned a phone on the air and they contacted him asking him if he wanted a free one. That led to him talking about his Blackberry phone that he thinks sucks. He said he can't hear anything on that phone. He said that this Blackjack phone that he was talking about is supposed to be really good but he hasn't tried one out yet.
Howard said he doesn't know how people type stuff out with their Blackberry phones. He has to sit at a full sized keyboard. Artie said that people use them constantly now. Howard said that Vinnie Favale will send him an e-mail from his Blackberry and he's not sure how he can type that much on one of those things.
Howard said that his email is always full of videos of chicks shitting in a hot tub and stuff like that. He said that this one video was like 3 chicks in a hot tub and one of them ends up shitting herself. He said it was an outtake of some show but Robin thought that they should have put that in the show.
Howard said that they should have left in the part of the Kennedy Center Honors show where Jessica Simpson ran off stage crying. He said that's what he would want to see in a show like that. The clip will probably end up on YouTube and they'll make money instead of the networks making money off of showing that stuff.
Howard had Mark on the phone and told him what he had to do. He would play a question that they asked Eric and the guy had to guess if Eric would answer correctly. Howard played a clip where Benjy was asking Eric what kind of education he had. Eric first explained that he went to high school but not college. He didn't know what his GPA was. He said he was told that he was a little slow when he was in school.
Howard wondered why he doesn't get offered a TV game show because he'd love to do something like Howie Mandel does with ''Deal or No Deal.'' He spent a few minutes talking about how easy that job would be and how he has been offered shows but they were too complicated.
Howard got back to the game a short time later. Here are the questions and the answers that High Pitch Eric gave...
Robin asked Artie if he's ever banged a centerfold. He said he never has but he did do a chick who was in one of the lingerie issues. Gary said he knew a guy who banged a centerfold but it was 9 years after she was in the magazine. Artie said that still counts. He said that his favorite centerfold is Stacy Sanches. He figures she's probably packing up and leaving the mansion now that she's heard he's coming out there.
Gary came in and asked Howard about the deal that NBC was trying to make with Arsenio. Howard said that he would step in for Arsenio and he would be awesome in the Syndicated version of Deal or No Deal. He said that if Howie doesn't want to do it, he's right there.
Gary brought up ''Who Wants to be a Millionaire'' and how the syndicated show seems to be just as good as the network show was with Regis. He said that Meredith Viera is just as good in that seat as Regis was. Gary said that the job is really easy too so Howard would have no problem doing it. Howard said he knows he can pull it off, no problem.
Howard and the guys spent some time talking about Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama and their possible runs for President. Howard said he thinks that Hillary would have a better chance at the Presidency than a black man would. He had to go to break a short time later.
In the clip this guy was saying that white people want to kill all black people and it's part of their ''plan'' to take them out. The guy said that they need to wipe out the white people before they wipe out the blacks. There was a small round of applause from the audience when he said that.
Jim said that things were spiraling out of control and he had started drinking and stuff. He said that he and his girlfriend stopped sleeping with other girls so that was one thing that went wrong. He said she would bring home hot chicks for him but she eventually stopped doing that. Jim said he didn't want anyone breaking them up. He said they were good for a while until they stopped doing that stuff. The girls either wanted him or his girlfriend so they started to just be monogamous. He said he was going to these strip clubs and comedy clubs and he was being tempted all over the place.
Jim said that he knew that it was unhealthy when they were messing around with these other chicks. He said he's never done coke or anything like that but he was drinking. He said he actually stopped drinking about 6 weeks ago because he was afraid he was going to kill someone driving his car.
Jim started going to therapy and said he found out that he's a real asshole. He said that he didn't know that he was disconnected from people. Artie said that Jim is one of his favorite guys and he was kind of shocked by this and asked him if he's a fruit. Howard asked Jim if he would suggest therapy for Artie. Jim said he's not sure.
Artie said that he and Jim worked together a lot and Jim was doing a lot of shows for a while and he figures that really fucks with your head. He said that Jim is the last guy he'd expect to go to therapy though. Jim said that it's actually helped his stand-up because he can really open up on stage now. He said he didn't lose his anger like he thought he was going to.
Robin read that Jim's therapist was telling him that he should to go Sexaholics Anonymous. She also read that he was molested as a child. Howard said they were jumping ahead so he brought it back to the girlfriend. Jim said that his therapist told him that he had to get out of some relationships including the manager he had. Jim said he got rid of him and has a new guy.
Jim also said that he was told to break up with his girlfriend if he was unhappy. Jim said he told his girlfriend to leave for like a month. He sent her to her mother's house... and the mother is someone he found for her because she was adopted. Now the mother sent her home early from her visit out there. He said he told his girlfriend that he wasn't happy and they had to break up. She had no friends so she came back and they're still living together. Jim said that they bought the place together and now one of them has to get out. Howard told him that maybe he should buy her out and move out.
Jim said he doesn't want to abandon this girl because she's had that happen to her all her life. Jim said that Artie should know how tough it is because he was trying to get out of his relationship with Dana for a year. Howard told Jim that he'd take his girl in because she is hot.
Artie said that he was never a ladies man but when he was on the road, there were a lot of chicks who were into him if he did good on stage. He said that there are hot chicks out there who would do him. He said that it's not reality though.
Jim said that when he first met Bob Levy he was getting laid like crazy even though he was bombing on stage. He said that if you really try, you can get laid no problem.
Jim told Howard that he used to go to pro-wrestling matches and this guy they met would send them pictures. He said the guy hooked them up with front row seats but he would make them sit on his lap. He said the guy once nibbled on his ear during a match so he asked the guy what that was. Jim said the guy said he was just looking the other say. Jim was so into the match that he didn't realize what was going on. He was about 14 at the time and the guy was some old fat guy.
Robin asked Howard and Artie if they were sitting on anyone's lap at the age of 14. neither of them were doing that. Jim said that he and his friend would take turns sitting on the guy's lap. Jim said that the guy eventually asked them to kiss him on his cheek. Jim said he did give the guy some kisses and it was all for wrestling pictures so it was worth it. Artie thought Jim was pulling his leg with all of this just to get him into therapy.
Jim said that this guy was well known in his neighborhood and he was told that the guy was kind of strange. He said that the guy was friendly with everyone. Artie asked him where he was seeing these shows. Jim said it was at Madison Square Garden and places like that. He said if he's going to kiss a guy on the cheek, he's going to the Garden.
Jim said that this guy wanted to come over to their house one night but his parents didn't want him coming over. His parents eventually agreed to let that happen. Jim said that his parents would let him hang with his priest and never said a word. He was never molested by that guy but he apparently did mess with some other kids.
Jim said that this guy stayed over at his house one night and asked if he could go wake up little Jimmy. His parents stopped him and wouldn't allow it. Howard said he can't believe that his parents let this guy stay at his house. Jim said they gave in, they really didn't want him to stay there.
Jim said he woke up the next morning and this guy's hand was down his pants. He said that the guy was stroking his dick and he was getting kind of chubby. He said he had a ''soggy six'' at that time. Jim said the guy told him he was showing him a trick and stuck his thumb up through the hole in his underwear. Jim told the guy it was fucked up and was going to tell his brothers what he had just done. The guy offered to give him any wrestling pictures he wanted if he didn't tell. Jim picked out about 20 pictures and let the guy stay.
Jim said he had to tell his brothers what happened after he got the pictures. Jim said his brothers took the guy out, beat him up and put him on a bus to go back home. He said a little while later he saw the guy's buddy who told him that he had gotten picked up for molesting like 30 other kids.
Artie said that he really thought that Jim was together as far as his life goes. Howard told Artie that everyone is fucked up in some way. Howard said he feels bad for Jim that things didn't work out with his girlfriend.
Bob Levy called in and said he was shocked ... He had no idea that Jim was into wrestling. He also said that he can't believe that all of his friends have been molested and he hasn't. Artie said that Jim once showed him his sack while they were out on the road. Jim is known for having a big sack so he likes to show it off once in a while. Jim said he was just goofing around with Artie that day.
Jim said that he and Bob used to pull trains on chicks back when they were doing chicks. Howard said he thinks that if you're in a room with a man while having sex with a girl, that's kind of gay. He said you would never see him nude with another man. Artie said his threesome ended in disaster. That's when he got the load shot on his shirt.
Howard gave Jim some plugs for his upcoming show at the Count Basie Theater in Red Bank, New Jersey. He's also in the January issue of Penthouse magazine. Angry Black called in and said that Jim can't let this chick go because she's so hot. Robin asked him if he would take this chick off of Jim's hands. Angry said he would never do that to his buddy Jim but she really is hot.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Howard if he does any psychological tests on his employees because Penny Crone seems to be out of her mind. He had just seen her on Howard TV in her special. Artie told the guy that they're all nuts on this show.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that Howard had gone in a gay direction when he banged a chick that Ralph had been with at one point. Howard said that was years later, that's not gay. Ralph called in and Howard ended up talking about how he was trying to make time with Pam one time and Ralph was rubbing her leg at the same time. He had to stop him because he doesn't want another dude messing with a chick while he's doing stuff with her.
Jim said that the time he and Bob banged this one chick, they didn't make eye contact or anything. Jim said he had the mouth and Bob had her from behind. Artie said you have to see Bob when he's in road mode and on coke and stuff. He said he's out of his mind. Jim and Artie said that Bob has a big cock too. Jim said when he saw how big Bob was, he said he had to go first because he couldn't follow that.
Artie told a story about how Jim left his girlfriend at a club for 3 days one time. Jim said his girlfriend has been doing a lot of stuff for him trying to make up with him but he's not sure what's going to happen. Howard told Jim that he's got to leave the apartment.
Vinnie Favale called in and said he got a little bit of Pam Anderson action that night that Howard was talking about. He said even he got to touch her. He said he helped rip her dress off. Howard said they had good times back then. Howard said he might be doing Letterman on Tuesday but Vinnie wasn't even sure about that. Howard told him he's happy for Vinnie because Letterman signed on for 5 more years. That means Vinnie has a job for a few more.
Artie asked Vinnie if he hung out with him at Letterman the night he was there as a favor or if he's supposed to do that. Vinnie said that he usually watches everything in the control room. He has to deal with the sales guys, standards and practices and stuff like that. Howard said that Vinnie has to be the guy who is responsible and he also has to get along with Dave.
Artie asked Vinnie if he has ever handed Dave a note that was actually taken seriously. Vinnie said that his biggest contribution was having audiences flown in from different markets. That was done during sweeps months for a while. Artie said that Vinnie is the most positive guy he knows and he should do that with all comedians. Vinnie said that Artie killed that night and they asked him to come back before he even left that night.
Vinnie had to get going so Howard let him go. Howard said he thinks that he's doing Letterman next Tuesday but he's not even sure about that yet. He said his agent was working on it and he's pretty sure it's Tuesday.
Artie got back to Jim and said that he's one of the most fun guys to hang out with but they didn't really drink much with him. Jim said he's going to drink again but he's just not drinking right now. He said he hasn't been banging any other chicks yet but once he starts, he's going to go on a tear.
Artie told a quick story about walking through an airport in Vermont one time and Jim blew a fart in the faces of this family and he laughed for hours after that.
Steve also mentioned that they have some contests and giveaways going on with their service. You can get a Howard 100/101 fist logo keychain if you buy and register a SIRIUS radio soon. Howard said he just got one of those keychains and it's really nice.
Jon Hein gave his rundown of what they'd be covering on today's Wrap Up Show. He mentioned the hypnosis segment and also about the Ralph and Artie arguments that went on earlier. They'll also talk about Scott the Engineer's outburst. They'll also cover Jim's stories that he just told.
Howard thanked him for his preview and said he's always a great guest. He asked him if he was going to be doing Miserable Men. Jim said he's pretty sure they're going to be doing it on Sunday nights. Jim spent a short time talking about playing Carnegie Hall with Artie and how Howard walked in during the middle of his set. He said everyone turned their backs on him until Howard got seated but it worked out okay for him in the end. Howard gave Jim some plugs for his comedy shows and then went to break.
Benjy said that he had an idea a couple of years ago where they would have a ''groping box'' where the fans could stick their arms in and grope them. Howard didn't like that idea. He read some of the other ideas they came up with but didn't seem to like them. He said he liked Assketball or the tickle chair thing. He told Gary to ask the girls if they would do any of that stuff.
Howard asked Robin if she wanted to do her news. Robin's mic was off so she wasn't able to answer. She said she was ready once he turned it back on. Fred played the Dear Robin song parody he played earlier and it sounded kind of strange to Howard. He played the version he had on his computer and it was different. Fred somehow got a sabotaged version. Robin started her news a short time later.
Howard read through some e-mail during the news. Some people wrote in about Artie's meeting Bruce Springsteen. Some people were happy for him but others seemed to be pissed that he met him. Some people also wrote in about the Robin Quivers Christmas Special that Howard suggested yesterday. Robin said she doesn't have time to do it before Christmas but she would have done it if she had known earlier.
Howard had asked for a couple of CDs that he wanted to play during the news but Gary didn't hear him. He tried to find out why there wasn't someone else out there who could let him know if they heard his request. Richard came in and said that he asked Gary if he should bring this Twisted Sister CD in like 10 minutes ago. Gary got pissed at Richard and said that he's an asshole because this wasn't the same thing.
Gary said Richard had asked if he should bring the CD in during the discussion they were having BEFORE Howard had requested it. Then Gary missed his request. Howard told Richard to just bring it in from now on if he thinks he might need it. Gary told him that was going to be trouble if he just lets those guys walk in the studio without checking with him first.
Howard played some of the Twisted Sister CD that he had requested. It was Dee and his guys singing some Christmas songs. They start out slow on one song but eventually rock out. Howard said he thinks that Dee has a good singing voice. He played a little bit of that and had Robin get back to her news a short time later.
Howard took some phone calls during the news and let some people comment on some stuff. One guy called in to comment on the Michael Richards thing but forgot what he was going to say after smoking a big joint. A woman called in and told Howard that she thought today's show was going really well and Fred was right on with his sound effects today.
Howard took a call from one guy who said that he's been trying to turn off his XM radio but they won't cancel his account. They're doing anything to keep him as a subscriber. Howard talked about much great stuff there is on SIRIUS and mentioned that he has a friend how likes listening to Coffee House 30. He ended up trying to find the channel so he could play it for the audience. He said they just had too many listed on his computer screen but he was having trouble finding it. He played some of the Spa channel 73. He eventually found the Coffee House channel which was playing some Neil Young. He said he likes that.
Howard wanted to put on Howard 101 to see what they were doing 3 hours ago. Robin didn't want him to do that. She said that she has tuned in to hear some stuff on their channels and ends up laughing while she's driving around and that's something she never thought she would do. People used to tell her about doing that but she never knew what it was like until she started listening to Bubba and other shows on Howard 101.
Brent Hatley from Bubba the Love Sponge's show called in to correct Robin about a story she had read about the cost of the Iraq war. He said that the budget for the war is $1.9 billion a week. He said that by the end of fiscal year 2007 we will have spent over $300 billion on that war. Howard spent a minute talking about how he had mentioned years ago that this Bush was going to bankrupt this country. He said people would ask him how he could say that and he'd point out that the guy bankrupted 4 businesses before becoming President.
after Robin brought up video game consoles Howard ended up challenging Scott DePace to a game of chess. That led to Artie saying that he wanted to learn to play chess so he can play against Howard. He doesn't want to get beat right away though so he has to learn and catch up to where Howard is at.
Ralph called in and asked Scott if he's still a Bush supporter. Scott said he is and everyone in the studio is just a Friday Morning quarterback and they don't know what they're talking about. Howard let him go for a minute but kicked him out a short time later so they could finish up the show.
Artie mentioned that he's going to be doing a show in Las Vegas at the Luxor on Super Bowl weekend. He said tickets go on sale today. He and Nick DiPaolo are doing the show together out there. Howard wrapped up the show at around 11:45am.
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Howard started off the show talking about a clip that JD found where a couple is having sex with a pony. He said it's a like a documentary on them and he can't imagine who would do something like that. it came from the internet but you never know where it comes from. He said that the woman is kind of chubby but not all that bad. He played a clip where the woman talks about introducing this guy to her miniature stallion. She said she wanted to shock the guy. She said she couldn't resist so she started sucking on the horse who was laying on the floor, then the horse started doing her and the guy stayed there and watched.
In the clip the guy talks about how erotic it was to watch it and how cool he thought it was. He said that they took things from there. Howard stopped the clip and talked about how strange that was. He had another clip where the woman talks about how her horse isn't all that much bigger than a human is. She said she likes sucking on the horse and the guy said he does the horse anally.
The guy claims that the horse talks to him by grunting and blowing in his ear and stuff like that. The woman says she likes the noise that the horse makes and calls it the ''hubba hubba'' noise. She talks about the noise that the horse makes when he orgasms. The guy talks about how the horse will grab a big piece of his skin by biting him on the back.
Howard said that hubba hubba noise might be kind of like Benjy doing his horse noise. A short time later they were playing one of Benjy's prank calls where he calls a woman and pretends to be a horse that's fucking the old lady. He makes the horse noise and tells the woman he's going to stick his horse cock inside of her and neighs for her. The old lady plays along and tells the horse to do stuff to her.
Howard said that the woman must have been lonely in that nursing home. Benjy said he tried calling her one other time and this Indian guy took her away. He said he's going to try calling him again sometime. Benjy said he forgot what he was trying to do with her that time. He said that she's very friendly.
The girlfriend got on the line and said that he was saying that all girls like anal. Howard said that's not true. She said that porn stars do it for the money, not because they like it. Howard said that's an annoying argument and if she wants to do it, she should just do it. She said they were out at a bar the other night and that's when this all came up.
Howard told the woman that Robin has talked about that on the show before and if a guy can get her so hot, she might not care where he puts it. She has to be really worked up to do that. The woman said that she agrees with that. She said they just had an argument among some friends so that's where this came from.
Howard said that a lot of girls feel dirty back there and don't want to do it... and some of them are dirty back there. He said he's caught a whiff back there with some girls. He had a stripper at Scores one time who smelled like ass.
Howard said he has some disturbing video of Sal and Richard taking a shit and it's really vile to hear them trying to go because they just go for too long. He wasn't sure he could even play that clip. Howard wished the woman and the guy luck with their arguments and let them go.
Howard said that XM has lowered their predictions a couple of times this year, this is the first time SIRIUS did it this year. He said that they've already got over 5 million subscribers and he doesn't see how he's a loser. Robin said that SIRIUS has said that Howard had already brought in more people than they expected he would.
Howard said the press hates him and they love to report on him in that way. Howard said that this has nothing to do with him, it has to do with SIRIUS and the way they make their predictions. He said he wishes that they wouldn't make predictions at all and just announce it when they get subscribers.
Howard said that if they don't reach those huge numbers, it makes him look bad even though he doesn't have anything to do with that number. He was also saying that Mel was saying that they're not even planning on him being the person to bring in all of those listeners.
Robin asked how many people were subscribers were with XM when they started on SIRIUS. Gary thought it was like 1.8 million but Robin thought it was like 5 million. No one was sure.
Howard played a clip from a news report where they talk about this whole thing like it's normal and don't blame Howard for it. Then he played a clip from CNN where they basically blame him. Robin said that they have closed up the gap on XM in just a year and they're continuing to do that. Howard continued to play the clip where the CNN reporter was saying that Howard was a failure even though they've closed the gap with XM in a year.
Howard played another clip where a reporter says that it looks like Howard's popularity has dropped off since he got there. Robin said they're making it seem like people are cancelling their subscriptions and bailing out. Howard said he wishes they wouldn't make any predictions at all. He said there's no news there if they don't make it look like he's the problem.
Howard said he had a friend call him and ask how the sales of radios were going. He told him that they're doing great but he was waiting to hear how bad they were. He said he thinks that 6 million is pretty good even if it's not 6.3 million. He said he'll be going on Letterman on Tuesday and Conan on Thursday to sell some more radios.
Howard said that these headlines are ridiculous. He played another clip where a reporter asks if the Stern Effect is over. He said Beth handed him an article this morning where they basically call him a loser. There's nothing like his hot girlfriend reading about what a loser he is.
Howard said people can't wait to see Ronnie's episode on Howard TV. He thinks that it's airing tonight. Gary said that's correct, it will be on tonight.
Howard read some mail about that segment yesterday where Marshall Sylver hypnotized some of the guys. He said he can't believe it sometimes but when he saw it yesterday he said you have to believe it.
Howard took a call from John Boy who said that he loved the Artie and Ralph stuff from the show yesterday. Howard said that they got a lot of feedback about that so he read through some of that. People were pissed that Ralph was acting like he was denying stealing any money.
Howard said that Artie opened up a can of worms by bringing up that Ralph stuff. He said that on the Wrap Up Show Ralph was saying that Artie and Ross weren't his friend in one sentence but then he said that they are his friends. He was contradicting himself all morning long. Howard played the clip where Ralph says he's not friends and then says he is kind of friends with both of them.
Artie said that Ralph called him and he honestly doesn't remember that happening. Artie said that he saw it happen but he believes that Ralph doesn't remember it. He told Howard how he and Ross both saw him take the money when they were on this flight together. He and Ross told Ralph to put the money back but it took like 10 minutes for him to actually do it. Artie said he doesn't think that Ralph is a kleptomaniac because he's never seen him do anything like that since then. Robin said that he doesn't know that, it's possible that he just hasn't seen him do it.
John Boy said that it's possible that Ralph is just jealous of these guys and their money and he just takes it to get back at them. Howard said he doesn't believe that Ralph would do something like that and he wants to believe that Ralph thought it was his money and just made a mistake. He said Ralph is a good friend of his and he's in his house all the time. Artie said that if Ralph was a thief, he probably would have figured that out a long time ago.
Artie said that this was a Las Vegas trip that they were on and you want to have money out there. Howard said Ralph finds stuff in his pockets and gives it to him when he doesn't even have to. Robin said that's not the kind of stuff that a klepto takes though.
Howard said he has a very high opinion of Ralph and he trusts him with his kids. Artie said he doesn't think that Ralph is a thief. He's not sure why he would do something like that but maybe he was desperate at that one point.
Fred said that there have been reports in the news about Howard being a bad tipper so maybe Ralph was there at the time and maybe he swiped the money. Fred said that he caught a friend taking his $20 and swapping it with a $10 one time. He said maybe that's what Ralph was doing.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that Ralph is not to be trusted and Howard should get rid of him. Artie said that Ralph offered to chip in a full 100 bucks that time when they found out that they were short and he didn't just offer to throw in his share.
Howard said that no one else out there can bring in millions of listeners so fast and continue to bring them in but it's not his fault that SIRIUS can't predict correctly.
Howard said that part of the problem is that he's odd looking. Another thing is that people can't classify his talent. He went on to say that he makes it sound easy to do this job he does and people come up to him all the time saying that they could do what he does. He said it's not that easy though. He said fuck those people and said that those people can't understand his bond with his fans. He still thinks that the fans who haven't come over yet will eventually come over.
Howard said he was reading a story about a guy who went out and bought SIRIUS because he'd rather wake up with him than get XM. He said that the really loyal customer went out and got SIRIUS before he even started there.
Fred said that the day before this all came out Mel Karmazin came out and said that they were announcing that they had TV coming to the service. That drove up the stock price by forty cents. Then a few days later they had these news reports coming out bashing them and driving the stock down. He wondered if there was a smear campaign going on or something.
Howard talked about how great the Stiletto is and how Beth was listening to the show and other things while she was working out and it's unbelievable to her. Robin said that she has one and listens outside and inside with no wires attached. Howard said that you can even download songs to the unit.
King was asking Howard what he's going to do when his parents pass away. Howard said that both of them are a big part of his life and they've very co-dependant with each other so he can't imagine what that would be like if one of them passed away. He said that if his father goes first, he'll probably be crying for himself because he'll probably have to take care of his mother. King said that he wishes that he could pass away before his parents so he wouldn't have to go through their deaths.
Dominic Barbara called in and told Howard that Ralph has to be watched when playing poker but he doesn't think that he's a thief. He said that taking money from waiters and waitresses is terrible though. Howard said that there were times when Ralph didn't ante into the pot during poker games so he had to watch him, but he also had to watch Dominic.
Howard said he doesn't believe Ralph is a thief and he doesn't believe that he's gay. Dominic said he thinks that Ralph is a gentle, sad soul who wouldn't steal.
Howard played a prank call that the guys made using clips of his father. He said this is the reason he'd hate to lose his parents. In the call the hosts of a talk show were arguing with the clips of Ben. Then they took a call from a woman, Howard's mother, and spoke with her audio clips.
Howard mentioned that they had Gilbert Gottfried coming in today. They also have Perez Hilton and Jeff the Drunk coming in. That led to Artie talking about how he told Jeff to show up one day instead of trying to plan a day to come in. He told him that before their Thanksgiving week vacation and Jeff ended up getting pissed at him because they weren't going to be there. Artie said he stays in touch with Jeff so he can talk about this stuff on the air. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard said that it took him a long time to extract the information from Fred so he was going to tell Robin much quicker than Fred would. He said it's a scorpion with some flowers around it and it's all in blue ink. Howard said he really likes the look of it. Fred said that his daughter is a Scorpio so he's going with that to honor his daughter Tess. It's on his right inner forearm.
Fred showed it to Robin so she asked how Howard noticed it. Howard said he has to look at Fred to get some beating off material. Fred said he never thought he was going to get a tattoo but now that he has one, he really likes it. He said it's been in the planning stages since June but it was very tough to get in with the guy he wanted to do it.
Howard said it's an unusual placement for a first tattoo. The caller said that he thought Fred would put it on his tentacle. Fred said he doesn't understand people who get them on their back because you can't see it. Fred said that the guy who did the tattoo is Anil Gupta. It took about 2 hours to get it done and he didn't cry while it was being done.
Fred said that his daughter changed his mind about the tattoo thing. He said he was so moved by her that he just had to get one. Fred said that he would think about getting another one but he's not sure what he would get done. He won't get anything too extreme like a big 3 on his neck (like Cabbie has). He said he didn't bleed a lot either. Howard told him to tattoo Cookie Puss on his arm as his next one. Fred said if he was 20 years old, he might do that.
The caller wanted to tell Howard a quick story. He said he has two cats and when they start the show with kind of gets the cats running. The guy was dragging the story out a little too long so he asked him to hurry it up. He said his cats have become trained to run for the food when the song plays. He said he actually got them to come running back into the house by playing the song.
Howard let the caller go after that nothing story of his. The guy admitted he was a little long winded and apologized for that.
Howard mentioned that Lisa G has a cookie party this weekend and no one is going. She blamed Howard because he said that he wasn't going and everyone is following him. Lisa said she's actually having 35 people there at the party so it should be nice.
Lisa G mentioned another story that they were covering in the news and Howard didn't understand what it had to do with him. It was a bit of a stretch.
Lisa said that they were there when Artie met this guy who wrote this e-mail that got Artie in trouble with his Bookie. The guy came to apologize and then told him that he tried to start a fan club for Artie. Artie told the guy not to fuck him up with Bookies anymore if he wants to be a fan. Artie said the guy was nice and they were very friendly... and now they're going to have lunch together sometime. Artie said he seems to be a superfan of the show. Lisa ran off after that.
Artie said that Jeff's hair was cut and he was looking groomed this morning. That's because he has to work now. Howard said he looks much better than he used to. They took his hat off and Howard said he looked like a well groomed 65 year old man.
Artie told Jeff that he should try to be Big Foot Mark and add ''it is'' to the end of his sentences like Big Foot does. Jeff said that's bull shit. He said he has plenty of his own stories and stuff to tell on the air. Howard asked him to do the ''it is'' thing. Jeff said he can't do that but he did give it a try a couple of times.
Howard asked Jeff why he wasn't at his job this morning. Jeff said his boss gave him a day off and actually drove him down this morning. Artie told him that he shouldn't let them see what it's like when he's not there because they'll get used to it and fire him.
Howard said Jeff has been wondering why he isn't on the show anymore. Howard told him he just can't pick up the phone every day. He doesn't have anything to say sometimes, like today. Jeff thinks he has plenty to talk about. Jeff complained that Howard was making him sound like shit but Howard didn't ant to take the blame. He said that Jeff won't accept responsibility at all in his life. He always blames others for his own problems.
Howard told Jeff that he's the town drunk and people are laughing at him, not with him. Jeff said he thinks that he's funny and people laugh with him. Howard said he is Jeff ''the Drunk'' and that's what's funny about him.
Jeff claims that he hasn't been calling Artie every single day but Artie said he does call almost every day. He just called him last night. Jeff said he swears he didn't call him last night. Artie asked him about the caller ID thing that comes up when he calls. He said it's something like Stringerland or something like that. Jeff shushed him when he heard that like he didn't want anyone to know what that was.
Howard had Big Foot Mark on the phone. Jeff asked ''What's up with you... it is.'' Mark was telling Jeff that he's a lot better on the show than Jeff is. Jeff and Big Foot argued for a minute but Jeff was slurring his words and trying to tell stories.
Howard asked Jeff what the most disgusting thing he's ever done. Jeff said he didn't know. Artie said that he loves that scene in the show where he was handcuffed to a woman and he was taking a shit. He asks her if she's disgusted by him while he's taking a shit that stunk up her whole apartment and made her puke.
Howard asked Artie if Jeff really calls him every night. Artie said he calls very often. Jeff claims he hasn't called in the past 5 days. Artie said that he calls him day after day just to say hi. Howard told Jeff that maybe he shouldn't call Artie ever again. Jeff said he could do that. Artie laughed and said ''yeah right...''
Howard asked Jeff about his drinking and if it's a problem with work. Jeff said he has to stare at cases and cases of beer every day but he doesn't drink there. He said that he goes home from work and starts drinking but he doesn't do it there. Howard asked Jeff if he smokes weed at work. Jeff wouldn't say if he does it before work but it sure sounded that way.
Jeff mentioned this woman Carla that he works with. He said she wanted him to mention her name so he did that. Ronnie came in and said he was asked to come in and ask why Jeff was so boring today. Howard then wrapped up with Jeff since he was kind of boring today. Jeff asked to sing a song before he left but Howard told him they don't have enough time. He didn't want to leave so Howard told him he'd let him do that real quick.
Jeff let out a belch and then Howard played his background music so he could sing ''I'll Be Home For Christmas.'' Howard cut him off after a short time and said that was enough. Howard asked him about his license and his car. Jeff said that he lost his license and lost his car. He had his car towed away after he lost his license.
Jeff is living with his brother and he's getting along with him okay. He doesn't get along with his other brother. Artie has heard that Jeff thinks his other brother is jealous of him so that's why he doesn't like him. The brother he lives with is living in his mother's old room in their house.
Jeff said he saw his judge at the liquor store the other day so he was asked if he was taking his DWI classes. Jeff said that he has no ability to get to the classes because he doesn't have a car because the judge took his license away.
Jeff got back to Carla and said that she came walking in with this kid who works in the produce department so he asked her if they were a couple. The kid told him that she's his sister. Gary came in and told Howard that Jeff isn't even 40 years old yet but he looks 60. Howard said he can't believe that he's 39 years old, the same age as Artie. Gary said Jeff's boss is there this morning and he was telling him what a good worker Jeff is.
Jeff wanted Howard to meet his employers but Howard wasn't sure if he wanted to do that. Artie asked Jeff what his bathroom looks like in his trailer. Jeff claims it's spotless. Howard thanked Jeff for coming in and had Gary escort him out of there. Jeff wouldn't stop talking though. Howard took a call from a guy who said that this was the worst segment ever.
Howard said the bigger news is that his fiancee is pregnant. Gilbert said he's not sure of that quite yet. Howard asked Gilbert if he's having a baby. Gilbert said he just hasn't been working out... Then he said that she might be pregnant but he's hoping it's just a cancerous tumor. Howard asked him what's going on with him and if he can't believe this is going on. Gilbert said he knew this wasn't going to be an enjoyable appearance for him.
Howard said this is an amazing story. He said he's known Gilbert for a long time and he's always been very distant with people. He thinks that Gilbert doesn't need a woman and he used to use women as just holes to fuck. He had a girlfriend for a while who he treated like shit, then they broke up. Now Gilbert has taken her back and now they're engaged and possibly pregnant.
Howard asked Gilbert if this was an accident that he got this woman pregnant. Gilbert said everything he does is accidental. He said that he guesses that she was trying to get pregnant and he wasn't using a condom. He said he's not sure what happened there. He said that this will take more than a radio show to figure out, he said it will take therapy. Gilbert said he wasn't the one looking to have a baby, she was.
Howard asked Gilbert about buying this woman a ring and stuff like that. Gilbert didn't seem to be all that into talking about this stuff. Gilbert said that this is all bigger than Jen and Vince breaking up. Gilbert said he has no idea when the wedding will be held. He said that none of that is set up yet. Howard asked him if his mother knows all of this. Gilbert laughed and said that he called her at the cemetery. Both of his parents are dead.
Howard asked Gilbert if he would prefer that his wife die in a plane crash or something. Gilbert said that wouldn't be such a bad thing. Robin told him that he'll have more material for his comedy act. Gilbert said that won't happen, he hates comedians who use that stuff in their acts. Howard wondered what Gilbert will name his son if he has a son. Gilbert said they haven't talked about that at this point.
Howard asked Gilbert about the Michael Richards thing and what he thought about that. Gilbert joked about that a little bit and said that he wouldn't do that on stage, he'd wait until he was on the air where more people would hear it. Gilbert said he can't go three minutes without using the N-word and no one says a thing. Richards says it once in his act and gets national coverage.
Howard gave Gilbert some plugs for his appearances at Governors and Caroline's in January. You can find out more at GilbertGottfried.com.
Gilbert asked Artie what's going on with his relationship. Howard told him that Artie is broken up with Dana and just fucked a new chick recently. Gilbert said he's confused by this Artie thing. He said he can't believe he played Carnegie Hall and sold so many DVDs. He threw in a plug for his own DVD and web site after bringing that up.
Robin asked Gilbert if he thinks that he's pussy whipped. Gilbert said that's a nice way of putting it. Howard asked him if he got caught up in the baby thing after his sister had her baby. Gilbert seemed a little out of it about the whole thing. Howard told him all of the stuff he's going to have to go through with this kid in the coming years. Gilbert still couldn't believe that Artie was single and banging new chicks. He figured that he was probably dating an A-list celebrity or something with the way his luck goes.
Howard wondered if Gilbert could relate to a kid and interact with one. Gilbert seems to think he can. Robin said that maybe he'll open up like the petals on a flower. Howard asked Gilbert if he was going to open up and tell them about any of this stuff. Gilbert didn't want to talk about it. He likes keeping that stuff bottled up.
Gilbert didn't want to talk about the ring he got for his fiancee. He did say that he didn't want to pick it out himself and just had her pick one out. He didn't give her a budget or anything, he just told her to go buy one. Gary said that he knows guys like him who don't care about the cut of the diamond or anything like that, they just tell their woman to pick something out.
Howard told Gilbert that he shouldn't be getting into a relationship like this, he doesn't care enough to buy her the ring. He didn't even go to the store with her. Gary said that this woman really loves Gilbert and she is ''the one'' for him because there is no other woman who is going to fall for him like she has.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Gilbert needs to hold his head up high and be proud that he's having a kid. Howard said that Gilbert being depressed about having a kid just isn't right. Howard asked Gilbert if he wants his kid to feel unwanted like he probably was.
Howard took a call from The Sim who said that he signed up for the newsletter at Gilbert's web site and he keeps getting e-mails asking him to buy his DVDs. Now he knows why, he has to start saving up for his kid's college fund.
Howard asked Gilbert if he has a pre-nup. Gilbert said he was nodding his head on the radio, that shows how comfortable he is with this stuff. Howard told him he should be comfortable because this is his life. Howard wanted to congratulate him but he didn't think Gilbert felt that way. He asked him if he hates this girl for locking him into this stuff. Gilbert said that he feels trapped in anything he does. Even buying a pair of socks he feels trapped.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that he would give Gilbert a free pre-nup and he would do it on video to make sure it's iron clad. Howard said that he makes the woman sign on video tape so they can't claim they were drunk or under duress or anything like that. Dominic said that both sides know they're on tape during that signing. Dominic asked if Gilbert is going to give his kid his own lawn chair in the living room.
Dominic said that he thinks that Gilbert will make a great father. That got a laugh out of Howard and Robin. Howard thanked Dominic for that and let him go a short time later. Gilbert said he doesn't think that a pre-nup can protect him all that much anyway. They only work up to a certain point.
Howard wanted to know from Gilbert what he likes the most about his fiancee. Gilbert wouldn't answer, he said ''yeah, this isn't going to happen.'' Gilbert said that this is going to be uncomfortable even after he leaves the studio today. Howard told him that he has never heard of such a thing... Gilbert being depressed about his marriage and having a child. Gilbert said that no one cares about his career so he doesn't know why this is so interesting.
Gilbert has no idea when his baby is due but Artie and Robin didn't believe that. Gilbert said he avoids looking at his wife to see if there's a lump in her stomach. Howard kept digging there but Gilbert wasn't talking. Gilbert asked Artie when he broke up with his girlfriend officially. Artie said it was about 3 weeks ago and it only took him 3 days to get laid. Gilbert asked what she looked like. Artie said he'd give her a 9 on a scale of 10... but added that she's a ''New Jersey 9.''
Howard took a call from a guy who said he would buy his DVD if he would just open up and talk about this stuff. Gilbert got in another plug for his web site GilbertGottfried.com at that point.
Howard played some of the Gilbert laugh song parodies that they've been playing lately. He also played a prank call they made to a guy with Gilbert clips. That got Gilbert laughing quite a bit at himself. It was like constant Gilbert laughs for a few minutes.
A phone caller said that Gilbert should make this into a reality TV show. Howard asked Gilbert if he would allow such a thing in his life. Gilbert said that there's no level to how low he could drop. He might be willing to do something like that. He said he's done a lot of stuff in his life so that's not out of the question. He said it would make the Danny Bonaduce show look normal.
Howard asked Gilbert what magazine he will sell pictures of his baby to when it's born. Gilbert told Howard he once spoke to Mike Walker from the National Enquirer and he was told that they have dirt on him but they don't print any of it because no one cares about his life.
Gary said that Gilbert really wanted to come in to plug his DVD today and he figures that's because he's afraid of what this baby is going to cost him. Gary and Howard talked about how much money Gilbert is going to need to support the kid and the multiple houses he's going to need... and the nanny. Howard said Gilbert looked like he wanted to kill himself as they were talking about this stuff.
Gary said that Gilbert is going to have to pretend to be normal and go to the kid's school events and stuff like that. When they brought this stuff up Gilbert didn't sound like his usual jovial self. We could almost hear his pain over the radio.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he thinks the world is coming to an end now that Gilbert is having a kid. A woman called in and congratulated him on all of that and thought it was great. Gilbert thought she was going to have a punch line like she was joking but she was actually happy for him.
Howard wrapped up with Gilbert and gave him a bunch of plugs for all of the stuff he has going on. You can find out more on his web site. Howard was going to let him go but another caller said that guys over the age of 35 have problems with kids being retarded and stuff like that. Gilbert got a few laughs as Howard was making fun of what could happen to the kid. Gilbert still couldn't get over the fact that Artie is having the life he's having while he's suffering after being in the business so long.
Howard asked Gilbert if he's going to go to classes with his wife for her birth. Gilbert says he hopes not. Al Rosenberg called in and gave Gilbert some advice... He told him to ''Run! Run!'' Howard wrapped up and went to break after that.
Howard invited Jeff the Drunk's employers into the studio because they have to be the nicest people to hire him. Gary came in and told Howard that they had split already so they weren't around.
Howard said that both Riley Martin and Jackie the Joke Man had their shows on last night. He had some clips from Jackie's show where he told some fat jokes. He also told a joke that Robin didn't understand because it went on so long.
Howard pointed out that Jackie's side kick laughs at everything Jackie says. He continued to play the clip where Jackie tells some holiday jokes. Howard played some other clips from Jackie's show where he told some pretty lame jokes.
Howard had some audio from Riley Martin's show. He played a random clip from Riley's show where he answered a question about what type of engines the alien ships use. He played another clip where a caller asked if the Aliens have a happy birthday song they sing. Riley actually came up with a song at that point. Howard said you never hear that kind of stuff on regular radio.
Howard and Artie talked about what bullshit that stuff is. Robin suggested that Riley name his show ''Planet Bullshit.'' Howard wondered if Riley believes any of his own bullshit. Robin doesn't believe he does. Howard said they should call the show ''Stump the Bullshitter'' because the guy can come up with an answer for any question.
In one clip Riley talks about what happened to the dinosaurs about 67 million years ago. He said that the aliens had to take them out after they airlifted the other animals they actually wanted to keep. They killed off the dinosaurs with a thermonuclear implosion that changed the earth into what we know today. Howard said the guy is kind of convincing. He has answers for everything and they don't sound all that crazy compared to religious stories.
Howard brought up a story about a woman who was thrown off an airplane for lighting matches. She was lighting them because she farts a lot and wanted to cover up the smell. Robin said that she was also mentally ill according to the reports she read.
Howard played a porn clip where a guy tells the woman to say hello to her boyfriend as she's gagging on him. He also replayed another clip from yesterday where a woman is asking for this black guy to fill her hole. Howard thought her voice made her sound like she was really hot.
Howard found another clip where a German guy was giving a girl oral. In that clip the guy is moaning in a kind of odd way. Howard said it wasn't all that funny to him and there were some better contenders in there. He said the loud orgasm one is better. He also said that this other clip where a woman is getting gagged by a guy was better too. He played that clip and another one where a woman was making a really high pitched sound as she was getting it.
Howard played another clip where a guy is making a woman gag on him. In another clip a woman gags on cum while giving a blow job. Robin was laughing pretty hard at that one. Howard said that was a good one and they might have to see the visual on that one. He played another blow job clip where a woman is making some odd noises.
Howard found another one where a woman squirts cum out of her ass. Robin laughed pretty hard at that one too. Howard said that one was pretty good too. He wondered who is beating off to porn like that. He's be grossed out by that. In another clip a woman demands that this guy put his cock in her mouth and sounds like she's a monster while doing it. Howard said that one goes on for a full 3 minutes.
Howard said that the company putting up the $5,000 prize for the contest is Clips4Sale.com. Richard Christy came in and said that they have audio of Benjy at the Erotic Exotic Ball where he sounds kind of like that guy screaming in the porn clips. Howard played that clip where Benjy was pretending to get off while some chicks were doing stuff to him.
Howard took a call from Bong Hit Bill who had a funny clip from Riley's show. Howard hesitated but told him to go ahead and play it. The clip was hard to hear so he bailed out on the call. He told Bill to send them the clip instead.
Howard asked Perez if he's getting famous now that he's got this web site going on because he sees him hanging with Paris Hilton and other young celebrities out there. Perez said that he wasn't popular in school, he had kids picking on him and grabbing his back fat when he was in an all boy's school.
Perez said he now has like 4 million people checking out his web site every day so the site is huge. Howard said that it's obvious that her will never bad mouth Paris Hilton because she's his friend. Perez said he still gets calls from her when she gets mad at something he writes.
Howard asked Perez what the last thing was that Paris got upset about. Perez said that it was a cartoon of her that she didn't like. Howard said he read that there are rumors that Britney Spears and Paris Hilton might be lesbians. Perez said that he wouldn't be surprised at all because both of them have said they like girls. Perez said that they probably have eaten each other out. Howard asked him if he's ever smelled pussy on Paris' breath. Perez said he wouldn't even know what pussy would smell like.
Howard asked Perez if he thinks that Britney is having a break down because she's out partying and flashing her beaver everywhere. Perez said that Britney has been a party girl for a long time and while she was married she was pregnant so now she's back to partying again. That's all it is. Howard said he saw the pictures of Britney Spears' vagina on Perez's web site and it looked like there was an odd piece of flesh down there. Perez said that she may have had a tummy tuck and that might be what the skin was.
Howard said that Beth goes on his web site like 4 or 5 times a day and she shows him what's new. Perez said that the last time he was on the show he had broken the news that Lance Bass was coming out. That same day Lance announced it. Perez said that Lance has now broken up with his boyfriend and he feels bad about that. Howard read that Perez thinks that they broke up because they were both ''bottoms'' in the relationship. Perez said he has friends who know the two of them so he hears things.
Howard asked what happens if two gay guys are bottoms. Perez said that sometimes the best tops used to be bottoms. He said he's not a bottom himself.
Howard asked Perez about his web site and how he confirms his stories. Perez said he does like to confirm stuff before he puts them up. Howard said he saw Perez arguing with a photographer one time over the use of their photographs. Perez said that some of them like him and actually send him the pictures. Perez said that he got a picture from a fan who had a picture of Priscilla Presley pulling back her 17 year old daughter's hair while she's making out with her 24 year old boyfriend years ago. That picture ended up in the newspaper today and Perez thinks that it actually helps to sell pictures when they appear on his web site.
Perez said that when he started his blog two and a half years ago, he wanted to write about celebrities because they're so much more interesting than he is. Howard asked Perez about outing people on his site. Perez said that he always gets confirmation about people being gay before he outs them. Howard said that some of them may not want to be outed though so maybe that's not right.
Perez claims that he knows that Clay Aiken is gay but his record label won't let him come out. Perez said that people tend to believe the artist and Lance Bass could have continued on pretending to be straight for years.
Perez talked about the face to face meeting he had with Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas recently after he had bad mouthed her so much on his site. He said she seemed to like him at this event he saw her at but he will continue to write bad stuff about her.
Perez also claims that he has celebrities who will call him and tell him stories. He said that John Stamos called him before he did Howard's show last time and asked him to promote his TV show. Howard asked him if John shares stories about Rebecca Romijn. Perez said he hasn't heard anything but Howard told him he has a lot of dirt on her and it could be big news if he could give it up. He won't spill the story because John has asked him to keep that stuff quiet.
Howard asked Perez if his web site is doing well. He said it's never been better but he has started his own merchandise thing to help offset his legal costs. There are people suing him over the pictures he uses on his site and he thinks the only way he can fight it is in court. He said that he's fighting for himself and for all of the other bloggers out there.
Howard asked Perez who the biggest celebrity asshole is. Perez said that Jesse Metcalf is one. He also said that Jennifer Aniston is another big asshole. Howard asked him who the hottest star is right now and who he has to write about. Perez said that every day is different so it was hard to say. He said that Brad and Angelina are always hot but right now Britney Spears is really hot.
Howard wondered why Michael Jackson has fallen off the face of the earth. Perez said that's because he left the country. Howard asked Perez when he was last banged in the ass. Perez said it was a long time ago. He changed the story to when he last banged a guy in the ass but Perez said it's been a long time. He did blow a guy about a week ago.
A caller asked Perez where he can find the Britney Spears pussy slip pictures. Perez said you can search his site with the ''star seeker'' thing on the left side of his web site. That led to Perez talking about Britney for a short time and how she had 3 pussy slips in one week.
Another caller asked Howard how he can have this guy on the show when he says that the kid from Kyle XY is gay when the kid has come on the show and denied it. Perez said he's heard that the guy has a new boyfriend and he still insists that the guy is gay. The caller asked Perez when he's going to die of AIDS and said that if he ever sees this guy he's going to slap the shit out of him. Perez said he must be doing something right to elicit such a violent act from someone.
Howard wrapped up with Perez and gave him another plug for his web site and talked about how often his girlfriend checks out his site. He went to break after that.
Howard talked about how women are in too much of a rush to get comfortable in a relationship and that's what ruins it. He said that Dr. Keith also talks about how men can do things in their relationships to help out as well. Artie was a good example because he got too comfortable and let himself gain weight. Howard said he told Beth to read that article but he'd be freaked out if she went on vacation somewhere that he wasn't going.
Howard said he thought Perez Hilton was good on the air and he told him that before he left. He said that he likes the way he does things on his web site. He pointed out one picture of Nelly Furtado where Perez shows how weird her pinkies look.
Howard mentioned Ronnie the Limo Driver's hypnosis yesterday and how good he was during that. Artie said that Ronnie really gets into it and almost looks like he's on a high when he's under hypnosis.
Howard read that Eddie Van Halen's son Wolfgang has joined the band officially and now Michael Anthony is out. There are also rumors that David Lee Roth might be getting back together with them.
Gary said that Cabbie apparently thinks that Ferrall isn't a good fit on the Howard 101 channel. Steve went through the other stories that they'll be covering today on the news. He mentioned Penny Crone's interview with Russell Simmons. They'll also be talking about Richard Christy and how he might be getting too big for his britches.
Steve also said that they'll have full coverage of Howard's appearances on Letterman and Conan next week. Howard said he will have Steve following him around for that and he is prepared.
Jon Hein gave his Wrap Up Show preview. They'll be talking about Jeff the Drunk's visit today. They'll also talk about Gilbert Gottfried's visit and the news about his engagement and baby. They'll also be talking about Perez Hilton's visit.
Steve the Intern came in with his Intern Show preview. He mentioned a few things they'll be talking about on the show tonight at 7. They have the singer from the band Caninus coming in because he used to be Robin's intern years ago. Howard wrapped up with him and had Robin start her news right after that.
Howard mentioned that there's a video on YouTube.com where Dee Snider was getting hassled by some kids and Dee beat the shit out of them.
Howard read an article about how CBS radio has to sell off some radio stations to make up for the advertising they've lost out on since he left. He said he likes getting stories like that.
Howard took a call from a guy who compared Gilbert Gottfried to Robert Blake because they're both guys who have gotten women pregnant and are very disconnected from people. Another caller said that maybe Gilbert didn't want to talk about the pregnancy because it's too early and he's afraid that something will go wrong. Howard said Gilbert was so weird about the whole thing. He said he thought he was just trying to be funny for the air but during the break Robin tried to find out when the baby was due and he claimed he didn't know.
Doug Goodstein came in and said he was talking to Gilbert out in the hall telling him how great having a baby is and Gilbert just said ''It is?'' Then he wished him good luck with the baby and all Gilbert said was ''Oy.''
Howard mentioned some of the things he has heard about Gilbert and also talked about some personal experiences he's had with the guy. He said he went to the hospital when Gilbert was having some problems and both is mother and sister were there but they weren't talking to each other. Robin said she went to visit him with Billy West and the mother wouldn't even acknowledge that they were in the room even though Billy was doing his voice impressions one after the other.
Artie said that for his 20th birthday party he went to see Gilbert and he always thought that he was going to be huge. He said he's still doing the same basic act that he was doing back then though. The guys spent some time on that subject before Howard had Robin get back to her news.
Robin finished up her news a short time later. Howard took a couple of phone calls before he ended the show. Howard talked to one guy about the programming they have in the works for the next four years and how excited he is about that. Howard ended the show around 11:05am.
Howard started off the show talking about how he didn't hear Bubba's meltdown on his show yesterday. He said that he heard that he was apparently talking about how he isn't appreciated there and how his fans should go out and buy some radios so they can call it the ''Bubba Effect'' like they've been calking Howard's sales.
Howard said he's going to be going out to sell some radios on Letterman and Conan O'Brien's show next week. Artie said he'll be on Letterman in January and he feels that he's part of that Howard Stern Effect. Robin said that they promote Artie as being from ''Beer League'' instead of saying he's from the Howard Stern Show.
Howard said that Bubba was saying that he had other offers before he went to SIRIUS and he isn't appreciated enough. Howard said Tim has called him and asked him to call Bubba to give him some love once in a while but he thinks that since they're going to his wedding, that should be enough love.
Gary came in and said that Scott is pulling some clips from the meltdown but he was also saying that Bubba isn't making any money on his show because he doesn't get paid that much and he has to pay for his studio and for his employees. Howard said that's true, he's spoken to Bubba about that. He makes money from sales of his t-shirts and other products. Bubba wasn't able to get a show for a while and they came to SIRIUS, almost for free, just so they could have a show.
Gary wondered where Bubba got the money for his engagement ring. Howard said that maybe it's not real, maybe he stole it. Howard said that if management is into him, maybe they should help him out. Gary said that Bubba is kind of isolated but that's because he broadcasts from Tampa instead of the main New York studios.
Howard said he likes the job Bubba is doing and he really likes his show. Artie said that maybe he's thinking about the past year of shows he's done and how he's not getting a lot of credit. Howard took a call from a guy who said that the meltdown was something else but Bubba was throwing a lot of love to Howard. He said that it's got a lot to do with Scott Greenstein from what he heard.
Robin said that she's heard that Tim Sabean is on the phone with Bubba a few times a week trying to keep him calm. Howard heard it was every day but Robin said that maybe it needs to be every day. She also said that Bubba is afraid of being fired or something.
Howard said he wants to be left out of everything and doesn't want to tell Bubba what to do with his show. He said he's employed by SIRIUS, not by him, so he doesn't get into that stuff. Howard said that there are some things that even he can't do there on the air.
Howard said he likes having Bubba with them and being part of the fight. Artie joked that Howard and Flo and Eddie were a team too. Howard said that was no team but he thought it was funny that they had them come on at K-Rock. He never listened to their show when they were there so he wouldn't know how it was. Howard said that Flo was kind of cool but Eddie was kind of creepy. He said Flo was more of their guy and Eddie just looked at what he was doing as a job.
Howard explained how the Cylons tried to take over the human race and as he was doing it he said he was sounding like Riley Martin. He went into his Riley Martin impression and started telling the Battlestar story as Riley for a few seconds. He then went on to talk more about the show and Gary said it sounded interesting to him. Robin said she really likes the show and thinks it's great.
Howard played some of the audio where Bubba talks about how he doesn't want ''corporate'' calling him because he's not saying what they want him to say. Howard then cut it off and said that meanwhile, no one from corporate is even listening to his show. He said that Scott Greenstein isn't sitting there listening to his show wondering if he should call.
Howard said he understands how Bubba feels because he's been through stuff like that. Robin said that Bubba is also getting married so he's under pressure from that. Howard said he can't wait to go to his wedding to talk to Bubba's mother. He said she's pretty hard core.
Howard played more of Bubba and also talked about how Cabbie and Scott Ferrall are in a battle. He said that means that Howard 100 News has something to cover so that's a good thing. He said that's what that news team is all about.
Howard heard that there was some argument about Bubba wanting to shove a phone up some girl or something like that. He isn't allowed to shock the puss anymore either from what he's heard. Bubba talks about how he loves his show and being on the air and he knows that Howard is the same. Howard said he hates doing his show but Robin doesn't believe that.
Bubba says he knows that this is the only thing he wants to do with his life and he loves his listeners. Howard said it sounds like he wants to put a gun in his mouth or something. This stuff that Howard was listening to was just Bubba talking about what he wanted to talk about after he took a commercial break. Bubba gets freaked out after he kicks his crew out of the studio and tells them to leave the building so he's not so nervous.
Howard took some calls from some fans who heard this meltdown. One guy said that Bubba was just doing an ad to sell his Bubba Army stuff, that's what the rant was all about. Another caller asked if Bubba knows what a love sponge is because he knows it as a rag that a hooker takes with her to clean out the cum if a rubber breaks.
High Pitch Eric called in and said that he and some of his buddies are going to be outside of Letterman when he does the show next week. Eric was saying that they support Howard's show and SIRIUS every day.
Howard said he was talking to Scott Greenstein who was trying to prepare him for doing Letterman next week. Scott told him that an iPod doesn't have any content while SIRIUS does. When you buy a radio, you don't have to buy content for it, it's already there. When you buy an iPod, you have to buy the songs you put on it. Howard said he thought that was a good point.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he has turned on a lot of people to SIRIUS for Bubba's show. He said that Bubba has had to team up with Howard by going on SIRIUS so it's kind of tough for him to do that. Howard said he looks at it as teaming up though so it's not a bad thing for them. He thinks that Bubba might want to chill and just enjoy it.
Cabbie said he was told to give Scott 2 weeks and he'd come around. He said that's like telling someone that they'll like throat cancer after 2 weeks. Scott said that when he did some test shows there he filled in for Scott. He had some fun doing the show and the next week he heard that Scott told his fans that it was the worst week in radio history. Cabbie didn't have anywhere to vent so now he's venting on Howard's show.
Robin said that Scott had apparently made some suggestions for the people who could replace him that week he was out but they were ignored. Cabbie said that's because he doesn't program the station. Cabbie is doing a show on Faction 28 every Saturday night. He said he's also doing a show at Free FM as well.
Cabbie got in a plug for the show that Artie and Bob Levy are doing for him later this month. He said the only place to get tickets is on his show on Faction because he held a few for his fans. Tune in Saturday night at 8 to hear Cabbie's show.
Bubba says that he isn't appreciated there at SIRIUS and management doesn't think that his listeners can make a difference. Howard said he knows what's going on here from talking to Tim. He said that they'll try to straighten this out when they go to his wedding in January.
Tim Sabean came in and said that he's going down on Monday to visit with Bubba. He said they're going to hang out and check out the race track that Robin and Bubba want to race at. Tim said that Bubba is the best and he's one of them now. He said he talks to Bubba every other day or so and talks to Brent every day. Robin told him he should talk to Bubba every single day.
Artie pointed out that the only two things working in their studio are the two buttons on Tim's jacket. Howard talked about how Tim had gained a little weight recently. Tim said that they have all kinds of junk food there that he eats when it's there.
Howard said that it's going to be some weekend when they go down to Bubba's wedding. They're all going to be staying in the same hotel and there's apparently just one nice hotel in Tampa. Artie went into his Richard impression and goofed on him talking about all of the nice things that might be in the hotel room down there.
Howard said that Richard and Sal came to him and told him that they taped themselves taking shits. He said he wasn't able to play the whole thing yesterday because it's so gross. Artie said he had to take his headset off if he was going to play it. He took a vote in the studio and no one wanted to hear it so he decided against it.
Richard came in to talk about the shit tape and revealed that he didn't shower for like 5 days last week. Howard said that's gross and talked about him not being clean. Richard said that he likes to shower but he only treats himself to that every few days. Artie and Robin said that he smells and people are grossed out by that when he works.
Artie said that some people get fired for not being clean at work. Howard said that he smells his gym shorts after a run and they stink just after that. He said he showers every day and he still smells awful after a run. Howard said that Richard must be that ''stinky guy'' at the gym who people don't like. Richard said that he can smell himself though. The guys told him that sometimes you don't know when you stink.
Howard had another Bubba clip where he talks about how he's not getting paid enough. Howard said he's right about that and he has a legitimate beef. Bubba says that he has another 13 months left on his contract and he has an ''intangible studio'' and other people who will take him. Howard wondered where Bubba went to school after hearing that comment.
Bubba said that he loves working for Howard, Tim and all of those guys. He just wanted to get some stuff off of his chest. Bubba said that he doesn't even get a paycheck for doing his show. Howard said that's absolutely true too. He said that after he pays his guys, his rent, the bills and all of that, he doesn't get a paycheck. He said he's building for the future.
Bubba makes sense for a while but then throws in words that don't make sense. Howard and Robin goofed on him a little bit about that. Bubba was talking about working for Ross Zapin so the guys wondered if he really works for him. Howard said that Bubba doesn't work for him.
A caller told Howard that his penis smells and he wondered what he could do. Howard told the guy that his penis smells sometimes too and it's probably from the pee dripping down. The guy said that his smells like fish and even after he takes a shower it stinks. Robin said that he may need to do a little extra cleaning down there.
Howard said that this guy is a man and he shouldn't be worrying about the smell of his penis. He said that this country has been too feminized and a guy shouldn't worry about how his dick smells. He then told a story about his friend Pat who told him that he's never shaved down his bush or his chest hair because he's a man. He doesn't care what people think about the hair he has. He said Pat got him thinking straight and thinking that he doesn't want to shave anymore.
Howard said he sometimes worries about not showering before sex but even Beth tells him it doesn't matter. Howard said that girls expect you to stink down there. Sal came in and said that he's uncircumcised and he smells like a woman down there if he doesn't clean his penis for a few days. The caller was circumsized though so that wasn't his problem.
Sal offered to smell this guy's penis. Howard told the guy to come down and maybe Sal would do that. Sal said that he would not wash his dick for a few days so they could compare. Jessica Hahn called in and said that she didn't want to hear the shit bit but she gave the guy some advice about the smell of his dick. He said that it's normal to smell down there, it's a guy thing. She told him not to worry about it.
Jessica was also saying she thinks that Bubba is upset that he has a short contract and maybe he wants something longer. She also brought up how their names were brought up on ''Show Me The Money'' which is William Shatner's new game show. Howard had the audio from the show so he played it. The question was about Jim Baker and the guy threw in Howard's name as he was coming up with the answer for the question.
Howard got a note from the guy who mentioned their names. Howard said the guy was very confident on stage and he's not even a professional actor or anything. Jessica said that the guy was exciting even if he sounded annoying.
Sal asked a question about Jim Baker and Jessica but everyone zoned out and didn't know what he had asked. Howard asked Jessica if she remembers the smell of Jim Baker's penis. She didn't remember that and said she thinks he was about average in size. Sal tried to explain his question. He had his story all wrong so his question didn't make any sense to anyone.
Artie told Jessica to stop by the Playboy Mansion tonight if she can because he's going to be out there doing a show. He said that he's got to get out there after the show today. He said that it's going to be an easy show out there so he's not nervous about doing it. Jessica said she's always welcome at the mansion so she should be able to get in tonight.
Howard spent a short time talking to Jessica about the days when she was living in the mansion. She said she loved living there and she did fuck Hef once or twice. Howard asked her how his penis smelled. She said he smells clean.
Richard told Howard that Jessica is the first woman he ever jerked off to. Howard asked Jessica how Sam Kinison's penis smelled. She said that he was pretty sweaty.
Artie told Jessica to bring him some of her happy pills if she has any. Howard told him not to ask for that because she got him high one time and he was so fucked... He said the weed she gave him knocked him right out. Jessica said she was afraid that Howard was going to think she was trying to kill him or something. Artie told her that he's off of drugs now but if she wants to slip him something, just throw it in his Jack and water.
Jessica is still willing to give Artie a hand job. Howard said that's the one thing he missed out on years ago. He told Artie to just let her do it and let him know what it's like. Artie said that maybe she can do that on stage. Artie said that the thing that would fuck him is if he bombs on stage at the show. He's hoping to be able to bang Stacy Sanches out there.
Gary told Howard that the corporate parties that they hold out there aren't what Howard thinks they are. They're not going to have it filled with Playmates. Gary said he's been out there for those parties and he knows what it's going to be like. They're going to have maybe 6 Playmates there, not 10, and it's not going to be as much fun as they think. He said that when the time rolls around, the naked girl in the pool is going to be out of there when her time is up. Artie said that he talked to a guy who did the party last year and it turned into a big party. He didn't like that Gary was raining on his parade.
Howard said that they should call Gary ''Baba Buzz Kill'' after that little rant he did. Artie said that the guys in the office are probably just jealous of him. He said that he heard there's an after-party going on that night so that should be fun. Jessica said that she could go to that and get things started for Artie.
Howard asked Jessica when she was going to come in and ride the Sybian. She said she'll come in soon and he'll like the way she's looking because she's in such good shape. Howard had to cut her off when he saw that Mel Karmazin was on the line. It turned out to be Sal the Stockbroker calling in as Mel demanding that he play their shit bit.
Howard was still wondering where they were at with the shit bit. He took a call from ''Beth'' which was Sal again asking him to play the shit bit. He he had to take a break after that.
Howard brought up the hypnosis thing they did with Ronnie the other day. Sal and Richard took some of Ronnie's lines from that segment and called a laser hair removal place. They had Ronnie talking about his hairy bush and had the guy on the phone laughing. They had Ronnie, acting as Jamie the stripper, telling the guy that his bush was tickling his ass. Howard got a few laughs out of that and said it was the funniest thing.
Howard said that Robin was brought up on the Intern Show last night. He played a clip from the show where her former intern, who is now in the band Caninus, talked about how he used to clean out her coffee cup and stuff like that. He said that she used to have ice packs and she'd keep them on her chair. One day he mentioned it to Gary and they figured out that they were being used for Robin's menopausal hot flashes.
Howard said he remembers learning about those ice packs and how she was using them for her hot sweats. Artie asked her how old she was when she went through that but she wasn't talking. She said she had intermittent moments when she needed that ice pack. It wasn't constant like Howard thought it was.
Robin said that she was going through it when Shaquille O'Neil was on the show. She said that during that interview she was going through one of her sweats and Ralph noticed it on TV. She said he called and asked about it but she was going through one of her hot flashes at the time. She said she would put the ice pack on her back or on her leg and it would help her out.
Howard said he found a rap song from Lil' John where he uses the N-word almost constantly. He played the song for everyone and it starts out without the word but the next thing you know he's using it every other word. Robin said that makes her laugh. Howard said it makes him laugh too. Howard read the lyrics from the song and it really was almost every other word in the song. Fred threw in the Michael Richards N-word rant during that discussion.
Howard said that Damon Wayans went to the Laugh Factory and started screaming out the N-word and got charged $320 in fines for using it. He refused to pay and he was banned from the club for a while. Howard said that no one is going to pay fines like that. Artie said he might do a show out there tomorrow night so he may get some publicity if he uses it, gets fined and actually pays.
Howard said that he heard that Elliot and Crazy Alice made a deal off the air where they would share their money if either one of them wins. He got Alice on the line and asked her why she would make a deal like that. She started to go off on him and then Artie threw in some comments which pissed her off even more. She complained about Howard turning down her volume but he said that he doesn't do that.
Alice said hello to Fred who told her he was sad that she had made that deal with Elliot. Howard asked her why she would make that deal. She said she was afraid that he was going to jump over her and win so she made the deal. Artie said that no one can jump over her because she's so fat. He started to go off on her and had her yelling at him as they do every week.
Howard told Alice that he has never turned down her volume. She said she's heard the replays and he does turn her down. She called him a Kike and went off on him for a short time after that. Howard told her that she had just lost him as a fan.
Howard said that Alice is in the lead in this pool at 6-7 while Elliot is losing by quite a bit. She said that she thinks this deal she's making will work out for her. She mentioned that she was going to have to pay taxes on the winnings and complained about that. Artie goofed on her about that and just about anything she said.
Howard said that Artie was making a solid point there about the taxes. Alice said that she wishes that Artie was dead and hopes that he has a miserable Christmas. She told him he was a big balloon face and she hopes that he has a horrible Christmas. Artie told her that she looks like ''Jabba the cunt'' like a big blob of brown mozzarella. He told her that she's like Medusa and if he saw her in person he'd probably turn to stone.
Howard asked the two of them to calm down so he could get the football pool picks. He mentioned that the $25,000 prize in the pool is courtesy of BetUS.net. Artie and Alice continued to go back and forth so Howard had to beg them to stop. Howard told Artie to invite Alice to the Playboy mansion tonight. Artie did that but he told her that they were doing a special edition about enormous inhuman women.
Howard asked Alice if she wanted to go to the mansion. Artie continued to goof on her saying that she could be in the ''Tub of Shit'' issue. Howard asked Alice what her pick was for this week but Artie kept throwing in more comments. Alice eventually got to her pick and said that she was going with the Jets this weekend. Artie thanked her for putting the whammy on the Jets this weekend.
Howard said that the football picks are always exhausting. He picked up Big Foot Mark's call and asked him who he was picking this week. Mark said he as taking the Falcons this weekend. Howard let him go and asked Artie who he's taking. Artie is taking the Raiders. Elliot Offen will give his pick off the air since he wasn't around this morning.
Howard took another call from a woman who brought up the guy who talked about his stinky penis earlier. She said that he may have a sexually transmitted disease and he may want to get that checked out. She said she looked it up on the web and found that he may have bacterial vaginosis. Howard said that maybe that guy should go get checked out then. The woman wished Howard happy holidays and got off the phone.
Howard had Lisa G come in with her Howard 100 News preview. She said that they will get to the bottom of the whole Bubba thing. Howard said he knows already and it's because he's operating at a deficit. Robin wondered if he's trying to work on a new deal or something. Howard wasn't sure about that.
Lisa mentioned that she will have a story about the guy who won the trip to Los Angeles with Artie today. The guy will be out there drinking with Artie. Lisa said that there's a big buzz in the studio about Teddy, Artie's assistant, who is going out to L.A. with Artie. Some people are upset about that and there may be more to it than they think.
Howard was confused by what Lisa was talking about so Gary chimed in and told him that people are jealous that Teddy is Artie's assistant and that's it. They think that they should be going with Artie to the Playboy mansion. Artie said he didn't know that anyone was clamoring for more money back there in the office. He said that no one approached him about anything like that.
Howard said that he got a memo the other day about Robin's assistant leaving her. She has gone through a lot of assistants. Robin said that she found something else that she wanted to do and left. She said it was very amicable. Robin said that she left on her own and she wasn't fired. She also said that she has trouble holding on to a lot of her personal assistants. Fred played Queen's ''Another One Bites The Dust'' for Robin since she lost another assistant.
Howard took a call from Bong Hit Eric who gave Bubba a big ''Wah'' for his complaints. Howard said that Bubba took the job when he was in a bind and now he's seeing that maybe they should be paying him something so he's not losing money doing his show. Howard said that if he can get people to buy radios, it would show that his fans can make it worth while to pay him more.
Bong Hit asked Artie if his mother is going to pack him a meal for Bubba's wedding. Artie said he's just going to eat extra appetizers instead. Howard said that she hasn't been sending Artie in with breakfast lately. Artie said that they were just leftovers and he has brought some in recently so he's not sure what he's talking about.
Gary told Howard that someone had pulled pictures of Artie when he was thinner to compare him to what he looks like now. Artie said he was thin for the first 3 or 4 years he worked there. He said he now looks like his own fat cousin who is coming to visit for the holidays. He said those pictures are the best thing to turn people against eating and drinking booze.
Howard said that Artie has always had an addiction and right now it's food. He wondered if he's ever going to get over that. Artie said that he looked like that when he met Dana and that's the guy she fell for. He warned her that he had all of these problems and she got to see them come out when he was on heroin. He said that he still dreams of a normal life like some of his buddies have.
Howard played a voice mail message that Artie's mother left for him a while back. In the message she talks about the hot dogs that were in his freezer and how he should have thrown them out. She was going to come to his apartment and wrap up some new ones for him.
Robin asked Artie if his mother dates. Artie said he doesn't think that she has ever been on a date since his father passed away. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard brought up a story in the paper about what they're supposed to do about the war in Iraq and the President was told that they should just get the fuck out of there. Howard said that sometimes they should just give in and let someone else just deal with the problem. Howard said that maybe we shouldn't be so worried about North Korea either because they have a lot to lose if they set off one of their bombs. He suggested just handing over Iraq to Iran and let them build it up instead.
Howard said that they found water on Mars so everyone is going nuts over that. He's not sure why that's so exciting. He said you can barely see what they're talking about in the pictures they took. Howard doesn't believe that there's life on other planets.
Howard brought up Dick Cheney and how he's got a gay daughter. He said that she's gay to the 10th power too and it must drive Dick crazy. He said that it's going to kill him when he sees that she's having a baby. He thinks that he's going to have a heart attack over that whole thing.
Howard read a story about Kevin Federline who is getting divorced from Britney Spears. Howard said that it looked like it was going to be a clear cut divorce but now Britney is out partying and showing her vag while Kevin is cleaning himself up and trying to look like a clean cut guy. He's going to try and get custody of the kids so that's how he's going to go about getting them.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if they had talked about doing Letterman on Tuesday. Howard said he did talk about it so the guy said he saw that Gwen Stefani was going to be on Tuesday. Howard said that would be great, she's another one he really likes. He said that she's super fine and he even likes that new fuckin song of hers. He said it might be the way she looks and that she'd probably be good in bed.
Howard played some of Gwen's song and said that he would try to put his finger in her if she's there at Letterman's show. Howard said that any guy who isn't attracted to this chick has to be gay. The caller said that he thinks Gwen tops Beth O in the looks department. Howard said no one tops her. He went on to talk about how he's going out to dinner tonight and he asked her not to wear any panties. He said she told him that she was going to wear them and his comment had to have been a joke. He said it was no joke though.
The caller said that if he had the choice between looking at pictures of Gwen or actually banging Beth, he would take Beth. If he was given the choice of Beth or Gwen, he would go with Gwen. Howard told this guy that he was being kind of creepy by talking about Beth the way he was. He said he was just talking about how hot Gwen was like guys do. He's not going to cheat on Beth or anything like that.
Howard took a call from John Boy who said that the guy before him had thrown him off a little bit. He said it was hard to follow him. Howard said that if Gwen Stefani is on letterman, he probably won't even see her there. He'll be locked up in some room with his agent and Vinnie Favale. He said that he never really gets to see guests there. He did ask to see Katie Holmes one time and they actually brought her into his room. He said that she looked at him like she was revolted and she didn't say anything to him when he told her how big of a fan he was of Dawson's Creek. Howard talked about Katie and said that she was really big, bigger than you'd think.
John Boy was looking at Howard's web site this morning and wondered whose tattoo would win in a fight, Fred's tattoo or Ronnie's tattoo of a panther. Howard said he thinks that Fred's would win because it's a real scorpion while Ronnie's panther looks like a salamander. Howard also said that Fred put a musical note into his scorpion and he doesn't really get that. He also thinks that the scorpion should be on it's own instead of on a flower.
Artie talked about going to do a show one time and on his flight Joel Siegel took his newspaper into the bathroom with him. He said that grossed him out. Howard has had some strange flights himself with people that he's bad mouthed and stuff like that. He said that he once sat next to Red Buttons too and had a conversation with him. He said that was cool because he could brag to his father about that.
Artie said he sat next to Julia Stiles one time and next to Chubby Checker on another one. Artie said that Julia Stiles didn't talk to him and she kind of came off a little cunty. Howard said she's kind of cute but she's got a bit of a mongoloid face. He said he met her once and she looked at him like a piece of shit. He said he wasn't sure if she was really looking at him like that or if it was just in his mind. Gary said that she was booked for the show one time but her personal publicist pulled it. Howard felt bad that he was giving her the bad rap if she was a fan of the show.
Gary said that Julia Stiles is kind of cute but she has no tits of any kind. He said that a chick has to have a little but Howard said that can be kind of hot.
Howard said he was talking to Sal during the break and he was saying that he has to light candles in the room when he stays with Richard out on the road. He said that's a big problem. Gary said that he told Sal to just say something to him then. John Boy said that Sal will spit on Richard's cock but he won't tell him to shower. That's weird.
Gary gave his vote to the screaming guy too. Artie said he was going to pick one of the two funny blow job clips. Howard had Fred play those so he could pick one of them. There were actually three blow job clips, one of them was a woman gagging on the cum in her mouth. Gary also asked for the woman squirting the semen out of her ass. Howard played that one and said ''Isn't satellite great?'' He said that Tom (Chiusano) never would have let that out on the air.
Jason came in and told Howard about that squirting clip and how gross it looked. Howard had another clip where a woman was begging a guy to use his big ''nig*er cock'' in her ''little cracker hole.''
After hearing all of those clips Artie said he was going to go with the clip of the chick gagging on the cum. He said that was funnier than the black guy screaming in his opinion. Fred went with the black guy screaming. Robin was going to go with the gagging clip that Artie picked. The screaming guy clip was the winner with the most votes.
Howard told the guys to get the winner on the phone if they could. He said that it would be funny if the guy actually did that yell when he was told he was the winner. Howard had the winner on the phone. He told the guy that he had just won $5,000. The guy, Josh, said that's awesome but he wasn't all that excited about it. Howard blamed himself for that. He said that he just can't get people excited about that kind of stuff.
Howard said that the prize money came from the web site Clips4Sale.com. The caller said that someone had sent him that clip a while ago and he kept it because it was so funny to him. Howard tried to find out why this guy was so mellow. Josh said that he was asleep, that's it. Howard told him he sounded less excited than Gilbert Gottfried did about his baby. Josh said he's going to use this money as a down payment on a truck. Howard put him on hold and let him go a short time later.
Howard and the guys talked about Josh because he had mentioned that he was a pharmacist. Howard said that he knows some guys who went to school to be doctors but ended up going into the pharmacist thing because they weren't good enough to be doctors. That led to some discussions about female doctors. Howard said that he can't go to a female doctor and show her his flaccid penis.
Benjy said he once went to a female doctor and told her that he had something on his penis but she refused to look at it. Howard figured that she just thought he was some creepy guy trying to get her to look at his penis. At one point Howard realized he was having a conversation with Benjy and wanted to get out of it.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that everyone on SternFanNetwork loves him. Howard said he's gone on there and he doesn't feel that they're all fans over there. The woman asked Robin what kind of vibrator she recommends. She said that the Magic Wand is the best. Fred played some jackhammer sounds while they were talking about that. The woman said that she was going to get herself one of those then.
Howard had Mike Walker on the phone so he played a new Christmas song that the guys created for him. They had Mike's bongo playing, his fart and his laughs thrown into ''Little Drummer Boy.'' He spent a short time talking to Mike about how long he's been with the magazine and giving him some plugs for his radio show. Artie made a joke about Mike's weight but then Howard pointed out that Artie was eating something while he was goofing on the guy. Artie said he got a muffin with bacon egg and cheese on it and it should sit well on the flight out to L.A. later this morning.
Howard said that someone wrote in about Mike's new picture in the National Enquirer. Mike said that he was told that when he did his TV show he was told he had to do something about his hair so he had to dye it. He claims that he's never had plastic surgery though.
Howard had Mike get into his game a short time later so here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Howard said he got some feedback about that clip he played first thing yesterday and people told him it was way too early in the morning for that. He played some of that clip again for those who may have missed it yesterday. In the clip the creepy couple explain how they both enjoy having sex with this miniature stallion.
Steve Langford said that there is another show coming out that appears to have ripped off an idea from the Stern Show. He said that they're going to have porn stars reading from Romeo and Juliet while pretending to get off. Howard said he's done getting upset with people stealing from his show. He said he just read that Opie and Anthony just announced they're having a film festival. He said that they should go right ahead and do that, they're the ones who have to try and sleep at night knowing that they just rip off everything he does.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. He mentioned the funniest porn clip thing and the shit bit clip that Howard took votes on. Jon said that no one can seem to get through to Richard about his stench and how even Sal is afraid to talk to him about it.
Howard took a call from Mutt from the Superfan Roundtable. Mutt gave Howard a rundown of some of the stuff they'd be covering on the show which airs tonight at 7. He mentioned the Bubba talk that they've had and also said that he was invited to Bubba's wedding. Jon Hein wasn't invited though. That led to the guys talking about who was invited and it sounded like just about everyone from the show was... except for Jon Hein.
Robin wondered why Jon was skipped over, she couldn't believe that. Artie said he could understand that. Mutt said they'll be talking a lot about Bubba this week on the Roundtable. Robin asked Mutt if he has gotten activated by Bubba's speech and has gone out and bought radios. Mutt said he went out and got his staff SIRIUS radios. Howard let Mutt go and went to break.
Howard said that Gwen Stefani is on with him on Letterman next week. He had some e-mail to go through after that. There was a lot of feedback from fans about the Gilbert Gottfried appearance yesterday. There was also some about Perez Hilton. Some people thought he was a bit of a jerk. They also noticed that Artie was silent through that interview. Someone told Howard that he had Jumped the Shark after interviewing Perez.
Howard said some people like Fred's new tattoo. That led to him talking about how he was thinking of getting another one for himself. Artie was also thinking about getting something. He tried to point to a spot on his arm but he couldn't reach it because he's gotten so fat. Howard goofed on him about that a little bit. Howard has three tattoos of his own and Fred said he doesn't like any of them. That led to Howard goofing on Fred's tattoo saying that his scorpion was carrying a musical note so that was kind of lame. Howard had Robin start her news a short time later.
Howard asked Fred what the significance is of that petal in the pincer. Fred said the scorpion represents his daughter and she's playful, so she's pulling the petal off. The guys still didn't understand all of his thoughts on that stuff but Fred said it's art. Fred said his daughter is a Scorpio so he got the scorpion for that. Ralph told him that it's a good thing she's not a Gemini because then he'd have two bad tattoos on him.
Howard jokingly said that the scorpion is holding the petal so Ralph doesn't steal it. Artie didn't even see the petal there and didn't know that the scorpion was sitting on a flower. He had to take another look at it before he saw it. Will told Fred that maybe he should have put the scorpion inside a flower with the flower wrapped around it.
Howard said there's a mole near the flower on Fred's arm so maybe that was supposed to be scorpion shit. He told Artie he should get one with a scorpion holding a Devil Dog. The guys talked about how bad Ronnie's tattoos are and goofed on him a little bit as well. Howard said Ronnie got a tattoo of his dog on his arm. He said the dog's name, Bots, was kind of cool but he doesn't think he'd put a picture of his dog on his arm like Ronnie did.
Howard had Ronnie show his panther tattoo and said he still thinks it looks like a salamander. Ronnie insists that it looks just like a panther. Howard told him that his dog tattoo looks like Triumph the Insult Dog. Howard had some fun goofing on both Ronnie and Fred's tattoos. Will was goofing on them too and said that he didn't get why Fred would have a scorpion sitting on a flower. Ronnie understood it and went off on Will for not getting it.
Howard brought up Ronnie's Sybian ride from the hypnosis day. He said he liked when Ronnie went into his Jamie character and rode that thing like he was a stripper. The guys were wondering why Ronnie would have a loose pussy in that fantasy he had.
Howard said he has a really long day today. He's got meetings with his staff, then he has to meet with his accountant about the gifts he's giving this year for Christmas. He said he felt bad for the news department so he got them a gift basket. Artie said they should probably get Bubba something since he's not making any money with his radio show.
Howard asked Ralph if he's going to Bubba's wedding. Ralph said he's still trying to figure out if he can work that in. He's going to be down in Florida visiting his mother for the holidays so he may be able to work it in. Howard let him go and had Robin get back to her news.
Howard asked Richard when he last showered. He said that it was probably Monday or Tuesday. Will said that he's not wearing socks and Gary noticed that he wasn't wearing underwear either. Sal talked about how smelly he is when he's on the road and how he lights apple candles in the hotel room when he's staying with him but it ends up smelling like a bakery with ass in it.
Richard said he stubbed his toe and he thinks he broke it. He showed it to the guys and it was all black. Gary asked Richard why he was going without underwear. Richard said he took a shower at the gym the other day and didn't have an extra pair... a couple of days ago. He slept at the station last night so he didn't get to take a shower this morning either.
Richard got sprayed with Pam and then took his hand, rubbed it on his penis and then rubbed that on Sal. Howard told them to do what they had to do. Richard pulled out his cock and stretched it out to 7.5 inches. Gary said that the head of it was a different color, it was black and blue.
Sal was up next so he pulled out his dick to a full 8 inches. Richard didn't think the foreskin should count but Sal thought it did. Richard wanted to do a twisting of the penis contest so he started twisting it around and around. All of the guys told him to stop but he got to 2.5 twists before he was done. Sal then tried twisting his around too. The guys were all disgusted by what they had just seen. Doug said he was get to work on that show for tonight.
A phone caller told Richard that he should get that toe checked out because he knew of a guy who had an infected toe and ended up getting cancer or some shit. Howard had Robin get back to her news but they spent a little more time talking about the penis stretching thing.
Later on during the news Howard said that he was stretching out his penis and it was at a full 3.5 inches. He had Robin finish up her news. She told the guys that she was offered the chance to do Dancing with the Stars. Howard and Artie thought that would be great. She said she doesn't have the time to do it though. Howard wrapped up the show around 11:35am.
Howard started off the show saying he had a lot of stuff scheduled for the show. He said that Gary had just brought in his white horse so he could ride in on it and save show business again. He then noticed that Robin had some new lighting on her for the TV show. He said he wanted to be bathed in purple light himself but they can't seem to make that happen. He doesn't want to be seen on the show that much.
Howard said he was still sick and even went to bed at 5:30 the night before. He was up by 11:30 so he had something to eat, then he went to bed until 1 in the morning, got up, went back to sleep and got up at 5. He said he's got something wrong with him.
Howard said he watched Barbara Walters badgering Jim Carrey on her show. He heard about all of the money that he was getting for each of his movies and how it quickly went from $300,000 to $10 million within a short time. Robin also brought up Jim's story about how he used to try to convince himself that he was the biggest star in Hollywood years ago and wrote himself a check for $10 million and dated it 1995. He somehow met that date and gets paid $10 million to do a movie.
Howard said he watched some of that Barbara Walters stuff and fast forwarded through a lot of that. He said they had Liam Nieson on the show but he thinks he's more interesting than Liam Nieson is.
Howard said that he watched the Academy Awards but he would have liked to have seen more of the people walking into the show. He said that part of the show is his favorite but they keep it too short. The production number at the start of the show was horrible. After that an old director came out and started screaming about some crap he didn't care about, the National Endowment of the Arts. He spent a short time complaining about that.
Howard said that one of the artists who gets money from that Arts thing is a woman who sticks potatoes up her butt. He said he just doesn't get that. Gary said that she does even more disgusting stuff than that. Gary said that she even lets people inspect her vagina. Howard said he got to check her out but he didn't think it was art at all. Gary said that this woman Karen Finley isn't all that attractive and she gets up on stage to do this stuff while screaming about being raped.
Howard said Letterman came out after the guy went on and on about the National Endowment of the Arts. He said Letterman did fine on there and did better than Billy Crystal. He said he may not have lived up to the hype but he was better than Billy Crystal or Whoopi Goldberg.
Howard talked about Woody Allen's name being brought up during the awards and how the people there were all cheering for him even though he stole away Mia Farrow's daughter. Howard was bothered by Gary's face being in the studio so he kicked him out around that point.
Howard said he couldn't applaud Woody Allen if he was in that audience. He would have booed him if he was there. Robin said that Joey and Mary Jo Buttafuoco were at the awards so she thought that was kind of wrong. She wondered what that means. Howard thought she was wrong but she said it was in the paper. Howard got a hold of the paper and read the article about Joey going to the Awards show.
Howard talked about some of the winners at the awards show. Martin Landau won for Ed Wood but he got pulled off stage during his speech. They talked about that for a short time and also talked about some of the other winners. Oprah Winfrey was there to present an award so they went over that for a short time.
Robin said that the only award that Pulp Fiction won was for best Screen Writing. The crowd was cheering for the cast of the movie every time they were mentioned though. Howard said Bruce Willis deserved an award but didn't get one. He had to take a break a short time later.
Howard said Sharon Stone looked good at the Academy Awards. He also said he heard that Patty Smythe didn't look good and he felt good about that. He talked about her dating John McEnroe and how he heard that she's getting used up by him real good.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked him how he was doing this morning. Howard said everyone has been asking him this morning since he's still sick. He said he's been getting a lot of sleep but he still feels out of sorts and out of it. He said he really doesn't want to work anymore. He needs to go on vacation with a young woman for about a month and a half and he'd be fine.
Howard said he was reading an article about Andre Agassi recently where they talked about how screwed up his father was. The article was in Rolling Stone magazine. He said his father was from Iran or somewhere like that and the guy went to work for a casino in Las Vegas. He decided that he was going to mold his kids into great tennis players so they could be big money makers unlike himself. He got a hold of his daughter Rita and pushed her into tennis. She was the oldest daughter and ended up yelling at them and had them playing tennis for an hour before school, then three hours after school.
Howard said this guy figured out that to make his daughter a champion, he'd make her hate losing so much that she would have to win. He would yell at her to make her hate losing. Howard said he would obliterate her if she screwed up to make her the best. He would even yell at them if they won. Howard read that Rita once told him to shut up so he whacked her for that.
Howard said that Rita came home one day and started vomiting blood from an ulcer she had at the age of 13. He said he thought that was kind of funny that someone would push their kid so hard. He said she stopped talking to her father around that time. Howard said that she married this guy Pablo Gonzalez who was 32 years older than she was. They had a child and got divorced and now she's teaching tennis.
Howard said Andre had another brother who got screwed up by their father. He may be the brother who is Andre's caddy now. The father put Andre in his high chair and had him trying to hit balls that early in live. When Andre was in a walker they put a full sized racquet in his hand. He would wack all kinds of stuff in the house so the mother had to make sure they had breakable stuff removed. He was playing tennis against pros at the age of 3.
Howard said that Agassi is making a lot of money from endorsement deals. He said he wishes that his father pushed him into something like that so he could make that kind of money.
Howard said they'll have to find a way to do the show without Jackie. They'll figure out a way to do it somehow. Howard's contract is up at the end of the year so Jackie offered to negotiate for him. Howard said he'd pass on that offer.
Howard said management doesn't like dealing with Jackie and they really don't even want him there. Jackie asked why he's there then. Howard said ''it's because of me!'' He helps keep Jackie working there because he likes him.
Howard said that he doesn't even know when Jackie is in negotiations, he usually finds out in the middle of the whole thing when Tom calls to tell him what a pain in the ass Jackie is being. Howard said Jackie always comes over in his new Volvo, which probably cost over $40,000, and talks about how the money doesn't mean anything to him.
Gary said that Jackie has to carry around all of his Jokeland stuff when he goes to do shows, that's why he has the wagon. He sells his stuff and has to have it all ready to sell as soon as the show is over. Howard goofed on Jackie about the stuff he sells and how the people must look at it the next morning wondering what the hell they're going to do with it.
Gary said Jackie used to play places that were so bad that he would bring his own mixing board, microphone and other stuff. Howard said he still plays places that are bad. Howard goofed on Jackie doing an impression of him talking about how important he is to the show. He also said that it's not the money either, it's the recognition from the company that counts.
Howard goofed on Jackie for a few more minutes and told him that management always comes to him and tells him what's going on. He has to smooth things over with them so they won't let Jackie go. Howard is the one who ends up negotiating for Jackie. Jackie never gets what he wants though so he's never happy. Howard said that he should be happy with what he makes and the plugs he gets in on the show. Jackie is still never happy.
Howard said Jackie would send out letters to the comics who were on the show telling them that he was available for work. He said he wasn't supposed to find out about those letters but Dice called him about one. He said Dice and Kinison would call him about that stuff and he'd ask Jackie why he isn't available to write for him instead.
Jackie used to write jokes for Joan Rivers for $5 per joke. He said he's happy doing that but he'll hold out for ridiculous amounts of money working there. He doesn't want to deal with that stuff. Jackie said he would resign right then if Howard wanted him to. Howard said that was fine with him.
Howard said he's ready to take a chance by letting Jackie go. He said he's not even sure that Jackie fits in on the show. Jackie thinks that he could leave the show and be a big success. Howard said he's been making that threat for years but he never leaves. He had to take another break after that.
Howard said he got a fax from someone who wondered what Jackie is being held back from on the show. He read through that and gave it to Jackie to stare at for a while. Jackie crumpled it up and threw it away.
Gary came in and talked about how they keep mentioning Howard's name and Don Imus' name in articles and there is no comparison because Howard doubles Imus' ratings. Howard said that maybe 10 years ago they could have written about ''Howard and Imus'' but not anymore. The guy isn't even in the top 10 in New York City, he's number 11. Howard said he blames David Hinkley because he has a hard on for Imus for some reason.
Howard went off on Imus for a short time calling him a ''stupid urine face'' and he's fit to accept his urine and that's it. He goofed on his look and how he has big hips like a woman and stuff like that. He said the guy gets no ratings and any advertiser who pays ten cents for an ad is nuts. Gary said that even the disco station crushes him in the ratings.
Howard said they eventually forgot about the controversy and hung the plaque up. It was already stolen, less than a week later. Now it's gone and they won't replace it. Whitman said she won't replace it and she really doesn't need to be bothered with that crap. Howard thought they were going to sink it into cement but that didn't happen.
Howard wanted to play a news report about this plaque but Scott the Engineer didn't have it yet. Gary told Howard that Scott was working on something else that he had asked him to work on. Howard was pissed at Scott but Gary thought it was kind of his fault until Scott said that he was working on Robin's news audio clips that weren't as important as this clip was.
Howard read an article about the plaque instead of playing the audio clip. He read that the plaque had vanished shortly after it was installed at the rest stop but there was no fanfare when they did hang it. Whitman was on vacation at the time. Robin said she read that the people who stole the plaque were seen at the rest stop. There were 3 men in their 20s who were seen there and may have taken the plaque. She said they used some tools to pry it off the wall and someone saw it happening. Howard said he would like his plaque back and hopes that someone will tell them where it is.
Howard wondered why they don't arrest these guys who stole the thing. He said he would like any leads on the theft so he can track these people down. Howard eventually got the audio from the news report so he played that a short time later. Howard said that you have to see this rest stop because it's like a port-a-san bolted to a wall out there. He had to take a break after that.
Howard said he got an invite to go to Al's Diamond Cabaret to see Latoya Jackson dancing down there. He said that the girls can get completely naked at this club because it's a BYOB place. He talked about going to a place called Frank's Chicken House in New Jersey and how the girls there could get fully nude. He said guys bring in coolers full of booze and watch these girls dance. Jackie said they also sell nudie magazines at these clubs so there's something to look at when there's no girls on stage.
Howard said that they got this invite to see Latoya at this club so they assumed that she would be naked. Howard figured that she would be naked but it turns out she refused to get naked. He read an article about what happened down there when she refused to get naked. They had a picture of the people fighting at the club and they looked like skin heads to Howard.
Howard read the article and they said that Latoya didn't take her clothes off so the crowd went nuts and started a mini-riot. They were able to calm the guys down when they sent out their regular dancers to get naked for the crowd.
Howard said that they had a lot of media at the event to see what Latoya was up to. She left the stage in the middle of her act so that didn't last long. The club owner claimed that he had never said she was going to get naked. Howard said it's funny that guys were getting so pissed off about what was going on. He said the guys were beating each other up instead of getting angry at Latoya. Howard went through all of that and said he had to take another break a short time later.
Howard said he was glad that Paul Newman didn't win any awards for his latest movie. He was bored to death with that. He spent a couple of minutes talking about that before he moved on to Stuttering John and the joke that Gary pulled on him.
Gary said that John has pulled jokes on him like stealing the Gary Puppet one time. Gary also said that John had a stockbroker call him and tell him he'd lost all of his money. There was also one time when Gary came in and told Howard how boring he was at an appearance he made one time. He was kind of pissed about that as well.
Gary went to Howard and told him he wanted to fire John and tape it off the air so he could make him feel crappy. He knew it wouldn't be funny, but he wanted to get back at him for all of this stuff he's done to him.
Howard explained how he had gotten mad at John on the air yesterday and that was part of Gary's plan to fire John. John said that he thought he was going to get fired and was worried about it the whole day. Gary brought Stuttering John into the jock lounge there at the station and had a hidden microphone in there. Gary told John he had to fire him because of the book deal that had come up a while back.
Howard said Gary didn't want to tell John for a couple of days that he was fired. Howard thought John might kill himself if they did that to him so they had to tell him. john said he might have done that if they had left him hanging like that.
Gary said he had been working on this since before they went on their Christmas vacation so it had been in the works for months. Howard started to play the audio where Gary brings John into the room and sits him down to break the news to him. Gary told John that the whole book deal thing came up again with Howard's agent Don Buchwald and he was apparently flipping out over it. John said he was convinced Gary was for real because he seemed so nervous about the whole thing.
Stuttering John told Gary that he had fired the guy who was doing the book deal thing and he wasn't going ahead with it. Fred went into his Stuttering John impression and goofed on John about the way he answered Gary about the book deal thing because he wasn't making much sense.
Howard got back to the clip and listened to Gary explaining to John why they were about to fire him. Gary said that he felt back because he's one of his best friends. Gary dragged it out and Howard wasn't sure why he kept saying it was Howard who was firing him. Gary said it was supposed to be Howard who was letting him go. John sounded all bummed out and said that he had been working there for 7 years.
Gary made a couple of goofy comments during the conversation so Howard and Fred were goofing on him about those. Gary left at one point to go get Howard but came back a short time later and told John that Howard refused to talk to him.
John was bummed out and said that he wasn't trying to do anything wrong. He explained what he had done with the book deal and all of that stuff. Gary then breaks the news to John that he was goofing on him by saying ''I have two words of advice... Gary Puppet.'' John told him that it was a great joke but he wasn't going to hate him for the rest of his life like Gary does.
Howard said that John is already planning to do something else to Gary. He told him on the way down to the garage yesterday that he had something in the works. Gary said he has another one to pull on John as well though. Howard had to take another break a short time later.
Bam Bam started in with L.T. Shortly after they came in. He said that L.T. Has stepped into his world and he's pretty sure he can take him down. L.T. is a big wrestling fan so he was out at this event and kind of laughed when Bam Bam got his ass kicked. Bam Bam saw him laughing and went over to him, shoved him and knocked him over. L.T. Said that Bam Bam is chicken shit and ran off after he pushed him down.
Bam Bam said they were face to face and that's not true. L.T. Said that Bam Bam bitch slapped him when he wasn't expecting it so that wasn't cool. The two of them started to go back and forth with little comments but they really weren't getting all that worked up.
Howard asked the guys what they're up to other than this wrestling match. Bam Bam said that he's prepared for the fight but he doesn't think that L.T. is. L.T. Said that Bam Bam has probably been working out by lifting 12 Budweisers a day or something.
Howard asked L.T. if he's still friends with OJ Simpson. L.T. Said he is still friends but he hasn't gone to visit him in jail yet. He doesn't think that OJ did it though. Howard said he believes that OJ is guilty but L.T. put more thought into it and said that OJ wouldn't do something like that where his kids could find them. Howard said he thinks that OJ is guilty and the only reason L.T. is saying he's innocent is because he's black and he's trying to stay in with the crowd.
Howard talked to Bam Bam about how many times a day he takes a crap because he's such a big guy. Bam Bam said that he blasts off about twice a day. He got a few laughs from that comment. Howard said he had never heard of Bam Bam before this so this match that he's doing could get him some notice. Bam Bam said that he thinks that L.T. Has a team of guys who might jump in to help him if he's losing. He's got his own team ready to take them on.
Gary came in and said that he heard that Bam Bam's wife is really hot. Bam Bam said that she is hot. Howard got back to L.T. a short time later and said his life sounds really interesting. He asked him what his everyday life is like and what he does in his spare time. L.T. Said he plays golf quite a bit and will play up to 54 holes of golf a day. Howard said that sounds like the life but he'd have to get into golf first to actually enjoy it.
Howard talked to L.T. about his relationship with OJ for a short time and found out that he has been out to his house in Rockingham a few times. Howard was all over the place with his questions so he was back on the subject of his golfing a short time later. He was also asking the two guys about their wrestling match.
Bam Bam said that when he knocks L.T. out he's going to sit on his face and fart. L.T. didn't seem to care about any of the comments he was making about that stuff.
Howard asked L.T. about his family and how great it is that his kids are down in South Carolina while he's busy out playing golf. L.T. Talked about how he and his wife are still good friends but they just couldn't live together as man and wife. After he got divorced he started dating so Howard wanted to know if he had any celebrities. He was asking him about people like Tawny Kitaen, Robin Givens and others. L.T. didn't have any stories to share about any of them.
Howard asked L.T. about hanging out with Eddie Murphy and his wife. Howard said that Eddie's wife is really hot but she's hardly black like she claims to be. Howard said she's about as black as he is. Howard noticed that Bam Bam had some messed up teeth so he asked him why he doesn't fix them. Bam Bam said that Andre the Giant had stepped on his face one time and screwed them up. He just never got them fixed.
Howard got back on the OJ Simpson thing and told the guys why he thinks that he did it. He talked about that with the guys for a short time and then gave them some plugs for their upcoming fight. He also talked to L.T. about his football career. Robin asked him if he misses playing. L.T. Said he doesn't miss it all that much. He still loves the game though.
L.T. Said that he was going to be golfing the day after he has this match with Bam Bam. He doesn't think that he'll have any problem going out and getting back to that stuff after the fight. Howard said it seemed like Bam Bam didn't like all of this talk. He also said he thinks that they had all of this is pre-planned but Bam Bam is going to be so pissed about this conversation that he's going to beat the crap out of L.T. and screw up the plans.
Howard told the two of them to be careful in this fight they're having. He wrapped up and took a break a short time later.
Howard asked if anyone had taped Superman this week because he missed the episode and wanted to see it. He said he felt like a douche asking for it but he really wanted to see the episode. He has a VCR that he uses to tape the show but he had an Amy Lynn tape to watch and put that in the player. He said he got a little caught up in that and had to finish himself off so he forgot to put the right tape in there.
Gary gave Howard some advice on his VCR use and told him he shouldn't leave it on because he could ruin the heads by leaving it running so much. Howard told him that he could afford to buy a new one. Howard and Robin both said that they don't set the time on their VCRs for the shows they want to watch. Howard said he just hits record when he wants to watch something.
Gary told him that setting a VCR these days is really easy so he should be able to do it no problem. Howard said he doesn't want to be bothered. He had Robin start her news a short time later.
After taking a break in the news Howard read some news about the San Francisco ratings. He said that they can't even be heard out there but they're getting good ratings anyway. He didn't want to waste too much time talking about that so he got back to Robin's news.
Ralph came in and sat in during the news. He was doing some impressions of people crying as they were accepting their awards at the Academy Awards show. Robin had a bunch of audio clips to play from the show so they were all goofing on some of the speeches. They wrapped up the show around 9:50am (Master Tape Theatre time).