Howard started off the show talking about how giving a SIRIUS radio is probably the best Christmas gift around. He went on to say that he's doing Letterman, Conan and now Jimmy Kimmel this week. He's doing Jimmmy's show via satellite on Friday. Artie said they're going to be thrilled over there at Kimmel's show because they're such huge fans.
Howard said he doesn't want to be doing any of these shows because it causes him agita. He's not sure what to talk about so maybe he'll talk about Ed Bradley's funeral. He may also talk about going to Bryant Gumble's apartment on Saturday night and met Gayle King, Oprah's friend. He said she apparently hears anything that they say about her on the show. Howard said he sees why Gayle is Oprah's friend because she is kind of fun. He said he had a nice conversation with her and now he's thinking of stealing her away from Oprah and making her his friend.
Howard mentioned that George Takei was sitting in this morning so he had him do a little bit of an announcement since he is the official announcer of the show. After that Howard asked George if he's jealous that William Shatner's game show might be a hit. George doesn't seem to mind. Howard that he's thrilled that George is going to be on ''Heroes'' playing Hiro's father. George said that started in late January. He's shot 2 episodes already and has more to do. He speaks only Japanese in the show.
That led to Howard playing a clip from Imus' show where he says he's got a great hour coming up and then goes on to talk about the Jewish management at CBS were bitching at him about some guests he had on. Imus said that the Jews were furious that he was having the Blind Boys of Alabama on his show so he had to convince the ''money grubbing'' Jews that they were good guests.
Howard said that there's no management in a meeting that tries to convince him not to have guests like that on. He said that Imus is full of shit. Howard said that Imus sure is a hero and a brave guy going up against the money grubbing Jews. He called him an ''anti-semitic piece of shit'' and a ''mother fucking racist.'' He went off on him about that for a short time.
Artie said that he's watched that show and it's like watching an old-age home because everyone on there is ancient. Howard said a friend of his saw Imus in a Starbucks one morning and he was wearing his cowboy hat with his boots and his Methuselah looking face. Howard and the guys were goofing on Imus and his cowboy costume. Howard said that he really got into that so maybe some day he'll get into dressing like a medieval night.
Howard said he wanted to hear about Artie going to Los Angeles this weekend. George said that he heard he was in town but didn't hear from Artie. Artie said he'd give everyone the details they wanted to hear later.
The woman said she's 25 and she doesn't have anyone in her life other than her parents. She's in a depression that she just can't get out of. She's on medication but it doesn't seem to be working. She's a student so Howard told her that she has to get out in the real world to get out of that depression. Patricia said she's in med school right now. Howard said that's crazy, she's going to be making tons of dough some day when she gets out.
Howard said that maybe Patricia doesn't want to be a doctor and that's what the depression is about. She said she's actually enjoying that though and it's the one thing she does enjoy.
Patricia said that she has an apartment but she's living off of student loans. She said she's been suffering through this depression stuff for her whole life and she's not sure where it comes from. She said she turns on Howard's show during the day to help herself out though. She really likes that they're replaying the shows all day long.
Robin said she saw George dressed up as Santa on some show recently. George said that was on Jimmy Kimmel's show and they had people trying to guess who he was. George said that Mary J. Blige knew who he was. Howard interrupted and said that Patricia is on the phone talking about killing herself while George is talking about his career.
Patricia said that she hasn't gotten laid in quite a while. Howard told her that she might need to get laid to cheer herself up. He said that he always cheers Beth up when he bangs her. Howard asked her if she's fat. She said she's not. Artie said she must be one of those student doctors who looks like Giselle Bundchen.
Artie told Patricia that Paxil worked for his depression. He said that different things work for different people though. He suggested that she go to a shrink that will prescribe that to her. She said that she's on Zoloft right now but it doesn't seem to work for her. Howard told her to call them back in 2 weeks and let them know how she's doing. She said she would do that. Howard let her go and said he hopes that she'll be okay.
Howard said he walked into this party and saw Gayle talking to some people and figured he should watch what he did. He said then Beth told him that Spike Lee was there too. He said it was like walking into a mine field. He's had some negative things to say about Spike as well. He talked about how bad some of his films were but he has enjoyed a couple of them.
Howard said he went to Bryant Gumble's house because he's met him and his wife a few times. He said people have weird reactions to him too. He felt good that someone was inviting him to this party at their home. He said he's really well behaved at parties. He also said he's fun but Robin asked him about that and he took that part back.
Howard figured that Gayle hates his guts and would want to kill him. He said she eventually came up to him and said hello to him. He said that they had a nice conversation for a few minutes. Then Gayle said that some of the shit that he's put out about there about Oprah is kind of crazy. He said that she brought up something he said about Oprah that he didn't remember saying. He told her that he does 5 1/2 hours of radio a day and he has to fill the time and there are many victims of his conversations. He's not sure if he ever said what Gayle said he said but he wasn't going to deny it because he didn't remember.
Robin said that if she was there she would have told Gayle that they speak Oprah's name and don't bad mouth her. Artie said he would back pedal if he was in that situation. Howard said he told Gayle that he just says lots of shit. She wasn't even arguing with him, it was just a conversation.
Howard said Gayle also brought up the Ed Bradley funeral since Howard had gone off on her about that. She said she just walked in and went where she wanted, she wasn't stopped. Howard said that was fine then and he didn't feel so bad about it.
Howard said Bryant has a really nice spread at his apartment. He talked about the screening room he has and how he watches his games in this big room of his. The guys talked about how long he's been on radio and how much money he must be worth.
While Howard was in the screening room Al Roker walked in. He said that's another guy who he has a problem with. He said that the room was dark because they were watching a movie in there and then he has Al Roker walk in. He said he doesn't have a problem with Al but he has goofed on the guy in the past. George Takei said he finds Al to be charming. Howard said he finds him to be milk toast.
Howard said he shook Al Roker's hand and said hello but Al walked right out of the room after that. Howard couldn't remember what he had said about him but Robin had some examples. She was ready to fill him in but Howard said he knows he's talked about his weight and stuff like that. He used to come on the show years ago but after he had his stomach operation and lost weight, that may have turned him. Artie said that guy is ''Mr. Nice'' and no one goofs on him.
Gary came in and said that there are people like that out there who don't get goofed on, except when Howard says something. So Al has a perfect life other than Howard goofing on him. Artie said that they live in a world where they make fun of people they love by calling them Monkey and making fun of people being sick and stuff like that. That led to Fred playing a new Baba Booey Christmas song parody.
Howard said that he walked out of the screening room after Al did. Gary said that Al used to love their show except when they started talking about him. That's when he turned on them. Howard said that some people can't take it. George Takei said he loves being on the show even when they goof on him. Howard said that's because he has a good sense of humor.
Howard said he thinks that George feels much more free now that he's come out of the closet. That may be why he has a good time on the show. George said that even his boyfriend Brad has become a celebrity. He said that people come up to them and want to talk to Brad more than they want to talk to him. Gary asked a dopey question so that led to Fred playing another Baba Booey Christmas song parody.
Howard asked George if he ever made fun of gay people to fit in with straight people. He said he never did anything like that. Howard thought that Gary had walked out of there kind of upset that they made fun of his question. Gary told him that he just didn't get it out right and he wasn't upset. Meanwhile Sal was holding a big ''MacHine'' sign over his head.
Howard got back to the party discussion and said he told Beth that he didn't introduce her to him because he doesn't like him. Then he said he saw Spike Lee at the party talking to Gayle King but he refused to go talk to him. Then Beth told him that Kelly Ripa was there so he had to go say hello to her. He went over and talked to her about the Clay Aiken thing again. He said that even she seemed to get bored talking about that. She was over all of that by that point. He told her that he was going to talk about that on Letterman this week but she told him he didn't have to do that.
Howard and the guys talked about Clay Aiken not coming out of the closet and even George said that it's like neon flashing lights around him saying that he's gay. George said that a female thing is gossiping and a male thing is being the strong, silent type.
Howard said that after talking to Kelly Ripa they left the party. They were kind of tired after that. He said he doesn't really get invited anywhere. He said no one even invited him to a New Year's Eve party. Artie told him that about 3000 people from Philly would like to see him at the show he's doing on New Year's Eve.
Robin asked George if he's heard anything about this guy David Gest who married Liza Minelli. Robin said he's on the English version of ''I'm a Celebrity, Get Met Out of Here'' and he seems to be a very manly man. George was saying he thought he was in ''the club'' but Howard said no one is sure about that.
Howard said he asked Artie some hypothetical questions about Artie having a gay kid and he picked a midget over a gay kid. Artie said he thinks that a kid having no feet would have an easier life than a gay kid would. George told Artie that all he needs is to have the love to help him with his confidence. Artie said that George had some tough times in his life. George said it was tough but it wasn't horrible.
Howard had some more hypothetical questions to ask Artie. He asked him ''Gay son or son with low IQ.'' Artie said that he would rather have a gay son. Howard said they had a new Artie this morning compared to what they had last week. Howard asked Artie if he would rather have a deaf kid or a gay kid. Artie said he'd pick a gay kid over deaf. He wants the kid to be happy. He said if the kid was gay he would embrace that and make him feel good.
Howard asked Artie if he would rather have a gay son or a kid with Tourette Syndrome. Artie picked gay because Tourette Syndrome is so brutal. Howard asked George if there was such a thing as a straight pill, would he take it. George said he would not take that because he is who he is. There's a whole lifetime of him being like that and it has made him what he is today. He wouldn't change that.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked him if he thinks he gets invited to these parties because they want Beth there and not so much him. Howard said that could be the case and Beth does get him out of the house once in a while.
Fred said he had just dropped off his daughter at school and was on his way home when they caught him. Howard had the video so they showed Robin since she had missed it even though she watched that show. Fred said that he didn't know what show that was until JD sent him a note where he congratulated him on that appearance. Howard said he gave him a good lesson there because he gets pissed off when he sees a camera out on the street. Fred said he did think about telling them to fuck off and walk across the street. Howard told him he did good by doing that though. Howard told Fred he was great on that show.
Howard is only miserable when he has to do Letterman and those shows. He said that Scott Greenstein apparently said that he went to his agent and asked him why he wasn't out promoting. He said that they have Jay Thomas out there making phone calls to their best subscribers asking them to buy more radios as gifts. He played the clip he had of one of those calls. Artie said he heard another one and he'd like to get that one on tape.
Howard said that he's been buying Stilettos as gifts this year and he really thinks that they make great gifts. He said they come with content unlike an iPod. Howard said he bought like 200 of these SIRIUS Stilettos as gifts. Howard said that someone pointed out that Fred is the one who reads all of the mail but he never lets negative mail through about himself. That person forwarded some mail to Howard about Fred so he could read what Fred has been blocking.
Howard read through some of the positive mail that Fred lets through about his tattoo. The fans told him that his new tattoo is very nice and very well done. Fred said that he got 2 negative e-mails and one was about not having color in it and the other was about how white trash it is to get a tattoo. Howard read through some of the other positive e-mails and they were all very positive.
Howard had a ton of feedback about Fred's tattoo and it was all very nice stuff. He read the not he got from this mystery person there how was afraid to come out and say who he was. Then Scott the Engineer came walking in and said that he found it kind of odd that Fred only has positive e-mail about himself on the show. Scott said that Fred seems to be the only one who never gets any negative feedback. Fred said he was fine with that and didn't seem to care that Scott was the one who turned him in.
A caller asked George Takei if he could help get Eric the midget on the show ''Heroes.'' Howard told the guy George had a hard enough time getting himself on the show, he doesn't need to be helping Eric the Midget.
Howard said that they've been on SIRIUS for almost a year now and it seems like it's been longer. That led to Howard and Robin talking about these people who still haven't gotten the service yet and complain that they miss the show. Howard said that's why he'll be out doing Letterman, Conan and Kimmel this week. He knows that Dave will probably cut him off if he starts doing anything like an ad on his show though.
Robin suggested that Howard bring some video from Howard TV on with him to promote SIRIUS. He said that's not a bad idea and asked Doug to put something together. He told Robin that maybe she should go on instead of him. She didn't want to do that. Doug Goodstein came in and asked Howard what he wanted to show on Letterman. Howard had a couple of ideas and it sounds like they're going to show Jeff the Drunk falling over at the elevator... but that was when they were at K-Rock... Hmmmm. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard said that Ivy Supersonic was there to say a few words. He explained that she's a hat designer and she's pretty well known in the celebrity world. She came in a short time later and Howard said that she used to be fat years ago. She said he was full of shit because she's been working out half her life.
Howard said he thinks that Ivy may be losing her mind. She said that she's just upset, not losing her mind. She told Howard that her father died and claims that it was because of medical malpractice. She started yelling about how he had a bed sore and how that killed him. She said she wants to sue for the death of her father.
Howard said he's worried about Ivy because she's sounding crazy with these phone calls and e-mails that she's been sending about some Nazi thing. Ivy went on to say that she bought an apartment in Florida and this Nazi guy is living in it. She also talked about her lawyer suing Rupert Murdoch over the use of her Sqrat character that she believes FOX stole from her.
Ivy said that FOX stole this character and helped FOX make a lot of money and she wants some of it because it was her idea. She explained how she came up with the Sqrat character and they changed it to Scrat. Howard interrupted her and asked her about the tattoos she's covered her body in. She said she's angry about a lot of stuff and that's why she's been covering her body like that.
Howard asked Ivy if she's gone mental or something. She said that she's not mental, she's not going to a doctor or anything like that. Howard thinks that there's something up because she has been calling and e-mailing so much with the Nazi stuff.
Ivy told Howard that her real last name is Silberstein, Supersonic isn't her real name. Howard pretended to be surprised about that. He told her that she's looking really good these days because her body is so tight. He asked her to show them some skin so she pulled down her pants and showed her ass and the tattoos that she has. She didn't want to show her complete ass but Howard wanted to see it.
Howard said Ivy really has gotten better looking. She got back to the Nazi stuff and claims that the guy robbed her flat out and she's pissed. She said that she bought this apartment and rented it out to this nice guy. Then the guy wasn't going to move out when she wanted to rent it to someone else. She sent a friend down there to sign a lease to stay there longer but then she got a check from the guy where he spelled her name ''Ivy Sil Ber Stein'' and robbed her and stole her car...
Gary said that he's worried about Ivy. He said she had a really nice Hummer and plastered it with all kinds of negative stuff about Rupert Murdoch and stands on top of it in front of his building yelling stuff out to him. Ivy then said that she goes on Myspace, gets naked and shows off her tattoos on the service since Rupert owns that company as well.
Ivy said that right now she's fighting an old man and a Nazi. Howard interrupted her and said that he had Rupert on the phone. It was Sal calling in asking her to stop with her rants. She knew it was Sal and told him to come in there so she could tear his clothes off.
Howard said that Sal was on Bubba's show last week as ''Fake Howard'' so he had to call in to talk about how irate he was with Sal for calling other shows.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she was Ivy's roommate years ago in college and she's always been like this. She said she's known about this Sqrat thing for a long time but she's done some strange stuff like this in the past.
Howard took some other calls and let some people tell Ivy that she's fuckin' nuts. Ivy said that she is fuckin' nuts and asked one guy if he was hot and had a big cock. She didn't believe him when he said he was big. Howard took a call from Andrew Dice Clay (Audio clips) but Ivy wasn't falling for it. Gary said Ivy was telling him that she's at war with like 7 people. She said she's concentrating on just these two right now though.
Gary asked Ivy what she's doing to make money these days. She said it doesn't really matter but she does the hat thing and also sets up parties for celebrities. She said that if someone calls her to do something, it's done in 2 minutes.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that she really is crazy. George Takei said that Ivy is quite extraordinary. Howard gave Ivy a plug for her web site IvySupersonic.com and started to wrap up with her. He said he was worried about her yelling about the Nazi guy and stuff. She ended up giving out her home address so Howard hit the delay to block that out. He told her she was crazy for giving out her home address like that. Ivy said that she has more about this Nazi guy on her web site so people can see what she's talking about.
Howard took a call from George Takei (audio clips) and Ivy started arguing with him. She didn't realize that the real George was sitting right there in the studio while the guys in the back were goofing on her by playing these clips of George asking her questions. She went into some rant about how drugs can turn people gay and the real George sat there laughing at her while the George audio clips were laughing as well.
Artie went into a bit where he rambles about all of the subjects that Ivy brought up during her interview. Howard thanked Ivy for coming in and said he was going to take a break. He said that he can't imagine banging this chick and then having to listen to her talking about all of this shit. Howard had to hit the delay on her one more time before he went to commercial break.
Howard said he had a lot of stuff to get to. He asked Artie about his Playboy mansion appearance last week. Artie said he had never seen the inside of the mansion before so that was one of his goals out there. He also said he wanted to get laid. Only one of those two things happened. He said he went to the mansion after flying into L.A. on Thursday. He was really wiped out because he can't sleep on a plane.
Artie said he went to the mansion, they let him in and he was wandering around checking things out. He said there were no Playboy chicks there at all. The chicks who were there were porn stars. He said Sarah Silverman was there to do her comedy at this event they were doing. Sarah did her act first and then they did an auction thing between her act and his.
Artie said that they were right next to the monkey zoo thing. One of the things that was being auctioned off was the chance to shower off the paint from one of the girls. They weren't bad looking but they weren't really Playboy quality either. He said that they did the auctioning thing and then introduced him. He started talking and his set was disastrous.
Artie said one guy was being a dick telling him that they couldn't hear him on mic. He said that made him angry and he could then understand why Michael Richards did what he did. Howard said that they can't have naked women on before having a comedian on. Artie said he got the crowd back for a while when he asked the guy what the fuck his problem was. Artie said he told the guy the people in the back could hear him and that he should clean the monkey jizz out of his ears.
Artie said that this guy he was arguing with was sitting next to this sports guy Jerry Buss. He figured he might be some kind of heavy hitter or something so he got off of him. Artie said he had to do 20 minutes on stage and got the crowd back for a little while. He brought up Michael Richards and said that he might use the N-word.
Artie said he stepped back at one point and his pants ripped up the ass. He said that's never happened to him before. He was trying to do this bit he does but his pants were ripped and got so distracted that he lost the crowd. He said he had to get through the 20 minutes and no one was even paying attention to him at that point.
Artie said after his set they were going to do the girl thing at the Grotto there at the mansion. He said for the first 10 minutes it was like 1000 guys just wandering around. They had an open bar which was nice but there were no chicks around. Then a bus must have pulled up with a load of chicks. They started coming into the party and no one knew what their deal was. They weren't Playmates but there were some hot ones. Most of them looked like Jerome Betis the football player. he said there were a few women who could have stood to have lost a few pounds. He said the party was fun and the girls were all fun broads.
Howard said that it must have been like being at a Bizarro World Playboy Mansion. Artie went on to say that some of the girls started getting naked and into the pool. Some of the guys were thinking about getting in there but no one was sure what to do.
Artie said that the pool leads into a waterfall and a cave. He said that some of the guys walked around to the back to see what was going on in the cave. They saw that there was a land area above the hot tub area but it was just chicks in the pool. Then this drunk guy got nude and jumped in the pool naked. He was hugging the girls and having his picture taken. Artie said the guy looked like him but he was having fun.
Artie said he doesn't know what the girls deals were but he did get one girl's phone number. She wants to do the show but he's not going to give her name out because of what he's about to say. He said that this chick asked his friend if he wanted to go in the back and get a blow job. The guy said yeah and she tells him it'll cost him $1000. Artie said that there were like 100 women there and he's not sure what all of their deals were. He said his friend thought that was a bit high for a blow job. She told him that it would be the best he's ever had. She said he could feel what a $1000 blow job feels like and his friend tells her that he has the feeling that it feels an awful lot like a $10 blow job. She got pissed and left.
Artie said his friend came back and told them this story. He said he doesn't know if that chick gave anyone a blow job or not. Howard said that's a lot of money for a blow job no matter who the guy is. Artie said that this chick was smoking hot but paying that much for a blow job is really outrageous. Howard said that it's her looks that a guy is paying for. Robin said that she should have given away one free one and let the word spread.
Artie said that he would have paid $100 for a blow job from that chick if she had made the offer. Artie said that one of his buddies was talking to this 300 pound black chick at the party and they were saying that maybe they should get one from her.
Artie said after the party he went back to his hotel and was sick for the rest of his trip. He said he slept for like 22 hours straight out there. Artie said that he was sick and he ruined his favorite pair of pants. He said he took them home with him and he's going to get them fixed. Artie said he's in the weight loss mode right now. Robin said that shows how big he got because he split open his pants because he was so big.
Howard showed George the picture of Artie from a few years ago next to a recent picture where it really shows his weight gain. George said he could be a leading man when he saw the thin picture. Artie said his pants were ripped the whole time he was by the Grotto out there.
Artie said that this one guy from Omaha, Nebraska had flown in for this event and said hello to him. He said there were a lot of fans there at this party. Howard interrupted and had Lisa G come in with her Howard 100 News preview.
Howard spent a minute talking about how a lot of the graffiti on the subways in New York these days is being done by European people who come over here just to do it. Howard said that they should lock them all up and throw them in jail. He said it really pisses him off to read about that stuff.
Howard also told Lisa that he's doing letterman on Tuesday but they are not promoting it for this week's upcoming shows. They used to always promote that fact but now it appears that they're leaving his name out on purpose. Robin told Lisa to get to the bottom of that.
Lisa said that they spoke to Shanghai Kate who did Howard's tattoo years ago. Lisa said they'll have a report about that. Howard didn't know her as Shanghai Kate, it was just Kate. He said she's a nice woman and he did have trouble making up his mind about what to put on his arm. He eventually decided on it and had it done though.
Lisa said that Rev. Bob Levy has big news, he's coming out of the basement and getting back together with his wife. They also have an interview with a producer about the remake of Porky's that Howard is working on. Howard let her go and moved on to the next segment.
Artie said that Benjy once pitched an idea like that at K-Rock where Benjy would get fucked in the ass. He was wondering what the fuck he was thinking. Howard said that Benjy's idea was really to fuck each other if they didn't lose the weight.
Artie said he wants to do anything for the show but he's going to have to say no to this. Benjy suggested that they do this by the end of this week and come up with a number that they would have to lose by the end of their vacation. Benjy said that if they win, they get like $200 and if they lose, they'd have to fuck. Benjy said it would be a great incentive if they had to fuck if they don't lose that weight.
Fred said he thinks Benjy wants to get fucked in the ass and that's why he's doing this. He suggested that they make it just Benjy who has to lose the weight and give him the incentive to lose it. Artie said that it would be good for the show.
Howard said that maybe they could say by March 1st, they have to lose 50 pounds collectively. If they can't do that, then they have to fuck each other. Howard said that Artie could be the fucker and Benjy could be the girl, or the bottom. Howard said that their faces would be out from behind a sheet while they're actually doing it.
Howard seems to think that they could lose that weight by February so maybe that's what they should do. Artie as afraid that Benjy would want to get fucked and would throw the contest.
Artie said that if he was doing the fucking, he didn't think he could even get hard. That is unless they painted a picture of Pam Anderson on Benjy's back. He said that he'd be afraid that he would back out of the whole thing at the last minute if he wasn't able to lose the weight. Artie wondered what would happen if he refused to do it. Howard said they would have someone come in to beat the shit out of him. That means Artie wouldn't have to get fucked, he'd just get beaten up.
Gary said that the guys in the office were talking about logistics with two fat guys fucking. They were wondering how they would have to do it if they were going to fuck. That led to Benjy getting on all fours to show the guys what it would look like if he was on all fours or in other positions.
Artie said this probably would sell radios and maybe they should do it. He said he's done fat chicks before so maybe he could go through with this. He said he might just lose control and start making out with Benjy while he's banging him.
Artie asked George how he fucks like that. George said he hasn't done that lately but he did it in his wild days. He said that he and Brad don't enjoy that so they do other things. Robin said they recently heard about Lance Bass breaking up with his boyfriend because they were both bottoms. George said that it depends on the guy and what they like. George said he's more spontaneous than Brad is. He said Brad is more regularly scheduled and likes to do it on Sunday. They make a big deal out of the whole thing and do it then. George said that sometimes Brad will cave in and do it on other days but it's usually on Sundays when they do stuff together.
Artie said that as a gambler, he can relate to George getting fucked in the ass on Sunday. That got a laugh out of George. Artie and Benjy wanted to get this bet figured out. Artie wanted to come up with a compromise and said that maybe they could push it back a little bit and Benjy could blow him. Maybe the ass fucking would be a little too intense. Benjy said that seems more intimate to him.
Benjy said that he could suck it but both things seem horrible to him. Benjy asked Artie what he would rather do, suck a guy or fuck a guy in the ass. Artie said that both were horrible but fucking in the ass would probably be his preference. Howard asked George what he thinks is gayer. George said that the sucking is his preference. Benjy asked him what would be harder for him, fucking a girl or getting a blow job from one. George had to think for a minute and said that he thinks that fucking would be interesting.
Artie said he's leaning toward not doing this. Howard told him that he will have rapid weight loss if he did this challenge. He said it's the only thing that's going to push him. That led to Artie hopping on the scale. He came in at 287 pounds. Howard told Benjy to get on too and he came in at 247 pounds. Howard asked Benjy what he wanted to lose. Benjy said that 50 pounds by March 1st shouldn't be out of the question. Howard said that if they started today, they'd have to lose 50 pounds collectively by February 11th.
Artie said that he has a gig to do on Super Bowl weekend. He'd be eating like crazy then. Artie said that he really doesn't want to do this and just talking about doing it could get him beat up. He said this isn't good for him to even be thinking about. Artie said he was afraid that he wouldn't be able to eat over the next couple of months. George told Artie that he really should lose weight because his joints will start hurting him and stuff like that.
Artie refused to agree to the challenge because it just isn't right and he's not comfortable. He said that his church wouldn't like it. He told everyone that they're fucked up and he can't do this. He said he would think about it to get some subscriptions but he really can't go through with it.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked what he thinks about Tori Spelling's yard sale and if he thinks that she threw away a lottery ticket by getting into a fight with her parents. Howard said it was insane to see this girl selling off her junk to fans when she should have inherited a ton of money.
Howard said that Jamie Lynn and Cassia Riley wanted to come in to promote some stuff but they really didn't have anything to do. They asked them to do some stuff like playing Assketball and maybe doing some jumping jacks while naked. They agreed to that and to drink a lot of water and get tickled in the tickle chair. He said they'll be doing that after the break.
Howard moved on to Jamie Lynn and Cassia Riley who were there to do some stuff for them. They had to pee really bad already after drinking a few bottles of water. Howard said the girls have a lot of stuff going on right now. Jamie Lynn has a Pet of the Year DVD out now so she's promoting that.
Artie said he wanted to change the weight loss thing that Benjy came up with to make it possible for him to fuck one of them if he loses his weight. Howard gave the girls a couple more plugs for an On Demand program they have coming up in January and also an appearance they're making at Caroline's comedy club.
Howard read that Jamie was living with a girl so he asked her if she's a full on lesbo now. She said she's not living with a girl. Howard remembered that she had said that she had a threesome in high school. Jamie said that she this guy she knew was going away so she and this other girl decided to make his goodbye really good by giving him a threesome. Jamie said that she and the other girl tried to look their sexiest but the guy was hardly paying attention to them. He eventually got the idea when they started making out.
She said that she and the other girl made out and did stuff to each other and eventually moved on to the guy. Cassia said that she was getting jealous because she really likes Jamie. Jamie said she moved away and don't live that close now. The girls said that they slept together last night because they really do like to cuddle together.
Howard asked the girls how that all works out. Jamie said that they went to a bar in the hotel and had a drink. They had just gotten off the plane so they weren't all made up or anything. Jamie said that they didn't shower before doing anything, they showered after. Jamie said they had to catch up on things so that's what they did in the hotel room.
The girls talked about doing stuff to each other in their hotel room last night. Jamie said that Cassia really likes to do that stuff and is more aggressive than she is. They also said that they bring toys with them when they travel. Cassia said that Jamie squirts when she cums and it scares the shit out of her. She said that she uses her fingers on her and finishes her off. She said she only uses 2 because she's got a really tight pussy. She likes to lick her and Jamie said she really enjoys that.
Artie asked if any of them could fuck her. Jamie said ''maybe Howard'' but said no to anyone else. Howard got back to the girls and asked them about how long they did the licking stuff. They said it was probably longer than 5 minutes. After that Jamie said that her tongue gets tired doing that stuff because she doesn't do it all that often. She said she loves Cassia's body and loves making out with her.
Artie said that Cassia was dressed like a school teacher this morning. Howard said that they have agreed to do some stuff this morning. They will be jumping rope, playing Assketball and getting tickled in the tickle chair after drinking a ton of water. Jamie said that she really has to go to the bathroom. Cassia said that she will pee if they tickle her and she might need a diaper. George wondered what was going to happen when someone wins at Assketball. Howard told George that they all win because they get to see a couple of naked chicks.
Howard wanted to get right into the games so he asked the girls to warm up with some jump rope while they were naked. Artie wanted to play ''Let's Blow Artie'' but that wasn't happening. Howard had them get started so the girls got up and took their clothes off. Howard said that Jamie had some body. He said that this will be on Howard TV this week.
The girls got their jump ropes and Gary started to help the girl take their clothes off. Artie was really into Cassia while Howard was into Jamie. Howard told them to start jumping and they got some applause as they were doing that. Artie said that Cassia was going to get black eyes from that. George put his glasses on to watch that going on so he could see the beautiful girls. Even a gay man can appreciate the nude female body.
Howard had the girls line up for Assektball where they were going to have basketball nets on their backs. Artie and Howard were going to be taking shots and trying to score some points. They had some Nerf basketballs to play with. He described the nets and rims that were attached to their asses. Artie went up and did a dunk shot for his first. Then he took a regular shot and missed. George Takei even got in on it and took some shots. They were all missing. Then George actually got one shot. Howard had no prize for him so he told Artie to kiss him.
Artie and George continued playing. Artie was running over and dunking instead of taking regular shots. Howard wanted to move on to the next thing which was tickling the girls in the tickle chair. The girls were made to drink some water before they came in so there was a chance that they would pee while being tickled. Howard was going to give them 2 minutes in the chair. He told them they would be tickled and tortured for that 2 minutes.
Howard said that Cassia has beautiful natural breasts and most women with breasts like that have fake ones. She was thinking of having a kid just so she could pass those along to a daughter. Howard asked Gary to help him out with this and help tickle. Howard told the girls that they were disqualified if they shit themselves after Artie put that out there.
Jamie asked what she was supposed to do if she couldn't take it anymore. Gary told her to just pee. Howard then started tickling Jamie. She started squealing. Artie told her ''Piss you whore!'' and ''Tinkle tramp!'' and ''Urinate slut!'' Jamie said she was felling really ticklish this morning and kept screaming. Howard said that a minute was long enough because she was really worn out. She said she tried to pee but she wasn't able to even do that.
Howard had Cassia get into the chair next. She said she had to pee really bad and hadn't peed in about 2 hours. She said that Will wouldn't let her go to the bathroom. Howard said that was the whole idea for this tickle thing. She said she was afraid that it would ruin her career if she peed. Howard told Fred to give them a minute instead of 2. Howard started tickling Cassia and she was cursing them all out. She was saying ''Fuck you motherfuckers'' and telling them that she wasn't going to pee. Artie said that she almost kicked him in the nuts. She said she was trying. The time was up and Howard said she didn't pee either.
Howard said Artie seemed to enjoy it but Artie said he was out of breath. Cassia said she was all shaky after that. Howard gave the girls some plugs for their Caroline's Comedy Club appearance that they're making on the 21st. Artie said he might have to go see them there. They also have the In Demand special coming up on January 18th. The girls didn't want to get on the Sybian because they had to save something for later. The girls then gave each other hugs to calm each other down.
Mike Gange said that there's no way Cassia's boobs are real. She invited the guys to come over and feel them, like they've done the past 2 times she was on. Artie said he believes they're real. Mike Gange copped a feel and said he felt the implant and showed Artie where it was. Artie felt her up again and Howard told the two of them to stop already. Fred was playing a horn honking sound as they were touching them. Howard thanked the girls for coming in and went to break a short time later.
Howard asked George if he has anything from the show that he's thought about selling. George said that he has one of his uniforms that Gene Roddenberry gave to him that he donated to the Japanese American museum. He said it was estimated to be worth $16,000 so he had a nice tax write-off for that.
George gave his announcement and mentioned Howard's chess playing. That led to George talking about playing chess. Howard asked him if he's part of the ICC online chess club. George said no so Artie told Howard that George finds that to be gay. Artie said he was just kidding about that because he's never thought about chess as being a gay game. He'd like to learn how to play so he could play against Howard sometime.
Artie had a game for the guys to play. He asked the guys if they knew how old Rita Moreno was. They all took guesses and didn't come all that close to her real age of 75. Artie also mentioned Terri Garr who was also in the paper today. They all took guesses and Robin came close to getting her age of 59.
Howard said that it's George Takei's 60th anniversary today. That anniversary is for when George got out of the internment camp that his family was held in during World War II. George said that his whole family was in there and they got so used to being in there. They still had a lot of hatred toward them and they had to live on Skid Row in Los Angeles. He said it was terrifying to live there with his family.
George said that his father's first job after getting out was as a dishwasher. He eventually got into real estate and did very well in that field.
Howard took a call from a guy who suggested that Howard bring some clips of the new Wack Packers on Letterman this week. Howard said if Dave would let him, he'd bring some of those guys on the show with him but Dave isn't into that. He said he has to make Dave laugh himself and not use that kind of stuff on there.
The caller also brought up Howard's tattoo and how maybe he should think about getting a bulls eye on his arm. He was rambling a bit so Howard hung up on him.
Steve said that Scores is raising money for charities in the area but a lot of them are turning down the money. They've even offered to send some girls over on the USO tour for the troops in Iraq but they were turned down. Steve said they have a story about John Stamos' latest part playing a gay man. That led to the guys spending a few minutes talking about Stamos' career and how he should be just as famous as Brad Pitt with his looks.
Howard asked Robin to pick between Stamos and Brad Pitt. She said she got light headed when he sat in the same room with her one time. She said he's sweet and gorgeous but she's also been in the presence of Brad Pitt and she couldn't even speak when she met him. She said he actually grabbed her after asking if that was Robin and she almost passed out.
Howard asked Benjy who he would choose but he didn't really care. Benjy said he would go with Stamos though. Steve Langford said they have a new Stern news tip line and said that you can call 877-33-SIRIUS and choose channel 100 from the list.
Jon Hein ran down the stuff they were going to cover on the Wrap Up Show today. Jon said they'll be talking about Artie and Benjy's gay weight loss challenge. They will also talk about Cassia Riley and Jamie Lynn's visit. Howard said he asked the girls if they had gone that extra minute if they would have peed. They told him that they probably would have.
Artie said that if he got all heroin'd up and didn't care who was blowing him, he might be able to say yes to the Benjy contest. He wondered if he could get heroin'd up enough to do that. Jon Hein got back to his show preview and ran down a couple of other subjects that they'll be covering. One of the things is the lack of negative mail about Fred.
Howard said that some people are upset that Jon Hein forgets to turn on his microphone every day and that he seems to ignore Howard's request to turn it on every day. Howard read some negative stuff about the little talks that Lisa G and Howard have each morning. The writer wanted Howard to bend her over his console and just bang her.
Howard read one e-mail about how Bob Marley got cancer after breaking a toe. That's what killed him according to a lot of people.
Howard said that he started sending out Christmas cards with pictures of his dog on them and now everyone there has started doing it. Ronnie came in and asked Howard what's wrong with him because he's not the first one to send out cards with dogs on them. Howard said he thinks that Ronnie is copying him but Ronnie thinks that he's nuts. Howard kicked him out and said he had to stop sending out cards with dogs on them because of that.
Howard said he and Beth sent out a card with a picture of them on it instead of the dog. He said it was a picture from last year when they were doing an Us magazine photo shoot.
Howard said that he and Beth were driving around and Beth got a message from Dana. They still stay in touch even though Artie and Dana are no longer together. Howard said that Dana was saying that she was sad that they had broken up and hoped that she and Beth could stay friends. Howard thought that was kind of sad and wondered if they could stay friends with her.
Artie said it is sad but he doesn't mind if Howard keeps bringing her around. Artie said he doesn't think that they're still good friends. He said he really is sad about the whole thing. Artie said things were going really bad toward the end there and Dana was the one who ended it as far as he's concerned.
Howard said that there's no way Artie could have had kids with Dana with all of the stuff they had going on between them. Artie said that if she stays friends with Howard and the show, without being with him, she'll have hit the jackpot. He said he was just joking around about that though.
Howard asked Artie if he thinks he could really be a good dad. Artie said that he knows he could but Howard pointed out his drug problems and Artie reminded him about his gambling addiction, his selfishness and other stuff. Howard said it wasn't that crazy for Dana to ask him to go to therapy for that stuff.
Howard went through some of the other guys in the studio asking them if they think Artie would make a good father right now. George and Fred both said they don't think he would at this point. Robin said that Artie is ready to be a dad right now... if he wants to be a bad one. Howard said he thinks that Artie would make a good father, he's a lot of fun.
Howard took a call from Rev. Bob Levy who said that Artie is about 5 years from being a good dad. Artie said that Bob is the guy who wished his 5 year old son a Happy Birthday from a comedy club in Cleveland while on coke. He said he was kidding about the coke thing but he was out on the road. Bob said that Fred was right when he said that Artie can't even take care of a dog so he's not ready for a kid. Howard said he kind of agrees with that and he had to take care of things when he was growing up. Howard said he doesn't see a kid coming in Artie's life anytime soon.
Howard asked Artie why he didn't have his assistant repair his pants while he was out in California. Artie said he was sick for most of the trip so he wasn't doing anything.
Gary told Howard that Sal and Richard put together a new bit where they called this Hugs For Harlem show and took tapes of Howard's voice and had him asking the host of the show gay questions and asking him to jerk him off and stuff like that. The guy kept hanging up on Howard and taking other calls, but each one was Sal and Richard with Howard clips, asking these gay questions.
After playing that bit Howard had Robin get to her news. A guy called in a little later and told Howard that it was kind of rude to be going off on Artie about being a bad father. The guy said that a lot of people aren't ready to be good dads until they actually become dads. The guy said that people change and just because you can raise a dog doesn't mean that you can raise a kid.
Another caller told Howard he thinks that Artie would make a good father. Mariann from Brooklyn felt the same way and thinks that he'd make a great father even though there are a lot of things she hates about him. Howard thanked her for that and got back to Robin's news again.
Robin ended her news and Howard wrapped up the show around 11:05am.
Howard started off the show asking George Takei to do an announcement for them. George read one of the lines they wrote for him and gave him a nice intro. Howard said he got a nice gift from George which was a bottle of spicy Asian wing sauce that he sells. George said he gets a very small percent of the sales of that stuff and he does it because he's a team player. They were going to sell it with or without him agreeing to it so he figured he'd just go along with it.
George said the sauce is sold under the Sulu name so they could sell it with him or without him. Howard and Artie read the nutrition facts on the bottle while George told them to just add a little bit of it to a steak or a salad or something like that. Howard congratulated him on that and wished him luck selling it.
George said that his boyfriend Brad was listening to the show yesterday and got very upset about them talking about their scheduled sex night of Sunday. George said he got into big trouble for bringing that up.
Howard said that Beth really doesn't like him back in that area. She won't even let him put his hand back there. He used to be able to go down there when they first started dating but no more. She just says no way and gets away from him.
Howard took another call from John Boy who said that the hottest electronic item out there is the Stiletto and he heard that there were some people fighting over getting them at a local store according to him. He said there was a black guy and an Asian guy getting into it over the radio. He said it was a local story but he's not sure if it was in the national news.
John Boy asked Howard about his Letterman appearance tonight and if he's going to be whoring out SIRIUS. Howard said the whole reason he's going on is to sell SIRIUS satellite radio. John Boy also asked George about the episode of Star Trek where he was whipping around the sword. George said that was a fencing foil and talked a little bit about that episode. John Boy thought he was either on a drug or an amazing actor when he was playing that part that day. George said he was liberated from that helm console and embraced the part.
George said that they were going to give him a samurai sword to use in that scene but he thought that it would be better if he used a fencing foil instead. Howard thanked John Boy for calling in. John Boy said that he'll watching Letterman tonight.
Howard said he's doing Letterman, Conan and Kimmel this week to show that he is a team player. He said Scott Greenstein should be happy once he does those shows.
Howard said he heard from Pam Anderson and she will be calling in today to talk about what's going on with her crazy life. Evil Dave Letterman will also be coming in later in the morning. Robin said she saw him earlier and he wasn't looking too good.
Double A called in and asked if Beth O was going to be going to Letterman with him. Howard said she'd doing a photo shoot tonight and won't be able to make it. They're going to be shooting the pictures that they'll be using for her column for all of next year. Double A said that he might go see Beth do her shoot instead of going to see Howard. Howard let Double A go a short time later.
Howard said he hates doing Letterman and these shows because there's too much pressure to perform. He said they want him to sell radios there at SIRIUS and the fans want him to do something crazy. It's too much. He was going to wear something unusual on the show tonight but Beth didn't think it was funny and there was too much discussion about it so now he's changed his mind.
Howard played some audio from the show where Artie was asked if he would get fucked in the ass to go back in time and stop his father from getting hurt. Artie said there's no way he would ever do that. Artie said that his father suffered so much that he would have to consider it but if he did walk, every step he took would remind him that his kid got fucked in the ass. Artie said that his father was in hell being paralyzed.
Howard said that George and Artie got into a basketball challenge discussion on the Wrap Up Show. He played that clip where George wanted to take Artie on in a game. That led to Gary telling Howard that George claims that he can run 6 minute miles when he runs. George said he used to be able to do that and has run a few marathons. He said it's over now but he was able to run a 3 hour 29 minute marathon one time. He hasn't done any in 15 years now.
George said that he's had people tell him how crazy it is to drive inordinate number of miles to pay to get into a marathon where he's going to run 26 miles. He said he now sees the logic in that and is done with the marathons now.
Howard played a clip of Artie trying to get George to do his English accent on the Wrap Up Show yesterday. He had to perform himself before George would do his accent. Artie loves his accent because it's so far from being good. He tells George that it's really good but he seems to be telling him that just to get him to do it more.
Bobo called in and asked Howard if he's going to bring on the bottle of liquid ass to Letterman's show. Gary said Bubba's people sent them a bottle of that stuff but he's afraid to touch it because even the box smells bad. Howard said he was going to bring some clips with him to Letterman but he can't just play his show there. He said he could fill up the whole hour with that stuff but Dave won't be into that. He said that Dave won't let him do bits and stuff so he'll just talk up satellite and see what he can do.
Howard played some audio from Leno's show where he just throws in some softball questions for Mel Gibson. Mel jokes about his legal problems and gets laughs from the audience and from douche bag Jay. Mel told Jay that he's just moving ahead with his life and Jay tells him ''great.'' Howard said it's just bullshit television and he hates it.
Howard said that the reason his show is good is because it's honest. Leno is a phony and treats Mel like nothing happened. Howard said that Mel was involved in all of this controversy and Jay just ignores it and doesn't ask him any questions about it. He said he could be asking the guy about what his family thinks about it. Instead, Jay asks him how his family is doing, how hot was it down in Mexico when he was shooting his movie, how long it took to shoot and a bunch of lame questions about his movie.
Howard played some Leno clips that Richard put together from his audio book where Jay talks a lot about his ass hole and things like that. Those clips were much more interesting than the lame interview Leno was doing with Gibson. Howard said that Gibson getting a standing ovation was just great. He and the guys continued to goof on Leno for a short time after that.
Howard said that Nicole Richie was arrested last night for driving on the wrong side of the road. She was arrested for drinking but she told the cops she hadn't been drinking, she smoked pot and took some Vikodin. Howard said they should put her in jail for a couple of years because she could have killed somebody. Artie said that people like her seem so vapid and have no idea about life. They talked about her and Paris Hilton being proud of being so dopey.
Artie said that the pre-interview might help this time because he may or may not be able to talk about the transsexual thing. He said he probably will do a little bit of a pre-interview and have the guy prompt him to talk about certain things.
Siobhan asked if they heard his debut doing stand up comedy. Gary said he heard it but it wasn't very good. He said the sound was bad even though the guy who introduced her sounded fine. He also didn't have any material to speak of.
Howard played some audio from her act and said he was a little sceptical. In the clip Siobhan thanks the crowd for their applause and then tells them that they may not feel the same way after her act. Then she cracks some jokes about the area she's doing the show in down in the Village. She goes on to tell everyone what drugs she's on that night. There's a tiny bit of laughter and one person clapping for her drug use. She also talks about her life as a transsexual but there were no jokes, she was just filling everyone in about her life.
Siobhan talks about her problems while she's on stage and it sounds more like a therapy session than a comedy act. Artie told her that she just wasn't being funny when she has so many funny things going on in her life. Artie gave her some hints at what she could do and she seemed to like his suggestions. He told her she has to punch it up a little bit.
Howard told Siobhan to play her act for Sal and maybe Sal would give her some jokes to use. Artie said she sounded comfortable on stage so that's a start. She just needs some jokes. Artie said that she wants to do some shows with them and if she's not funny there, she's going to have shit thrown at her. Howard let Siobhan go after that.
Howard said that Siobhan just walking out on stage gets the audience against her. Not so much in the club that she was at but at other clubs they'll hate her.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he just got SIRIUS and he's really enjoying it. The guy said he's a truck driver and he loves being able to listen to all of the channels without losing them. The guy also told Artie that doing gay shit on the show is just not going to work because it might be like an episode of The Sopranos where they get pissed off at a guy for possibly being gay. Artie said he thought about that and there's no way he would go there with Benjy.
Artie said that it would be like Simon Cowell going to Dancing with the Stars. He was trying to put it into terms that Howard would understand when he said that. Artie was also saying that in the world of football, Giants fans hate the Cowboys fans. He said it's like Parcells went to an enemy.
Howard said that the Cowboys have more fans than any other team out there. Artie said that in the 70s the Cowboys were great and now they have fans all over the country. It's the same with Pittsburgh and Miami but Dallas is bigger than any. Gary said that the reason is because the games that were on TV before satellite and cable seemed to be the Cowboys more often than other teams.
Howard figured that this Cowboy and Giant game was going to be huge. Will came in and said that they're not playing this weekend. Howard said he read that they were going to be playing but the article he was reading was just misleading. Artie said that he was just talking about Parcells in that discussion, he wasn't saying that they were going to be playing.
The guys spent some time talking about baseball after the football discussion. Artie got back to the Parcells story and said that the guy is like a modern day Vince Lombardi so that's why he's as big as he is.
Howard said that some people wrote in and told him he hadn't talked about the football pool yesterday. He whipped through the results and gave the current rundown of the standings. Alice is still in first place with 6-8 while Big Foot is at 5-7-2, Elliot is at 5-9 and Artie is dead last with 4-10.
Howard asked Benjy to be careful with shit like that and he's got to curtail what he does back in that corner. Benjy said that he spilled a cup of coffee and takes extra care not to do stuff like that. Benjy said that Howard is the boss so he will do whatever he wants him to do. Howard asked the guys to clean up back in the corner and nothing moved. Benjy said he cleaned up but Artie didn't. Howard told them to take 5 minutes after the show to clean up back there. Artie admitted that he's the one who didn't clean up.
Howard asked Benjy what was back there and told him to just throw shit out. He saw some tape back there so he told him to throw it out if it wasn't his. Benjy went nuts and just started throwing everything out. Howard said he still had more shit back there so he told him to keep going. Scott the Engineer came in and said that they had a whole box of Artie's shit that they had to move when George Takei came in.
Gary came in and showed Benjy the coffee cup he has that is spill proof. Fred has one and told him he could get that at just about any store. Benjy was still going through stuff throwing it out. Fred found another cup with a spill-proof lid on it so he gave that to him.
Howard told the guys that if the stuff they have is of no use to them, they should throw it away. He told the guys that in a successful life you throw out anything you don't use. He told Benjy that he likes him but he's got to stop bringing in the giant condiment containers.
Artie was going through his shit throwing it out. He said he gets a lot of stuff from the fans and it's really nice but he had to throw it out. George was ready to take some of his junk. Artie had a chocolate Jack Daniels bottle that he wanted to keep but Howard told him it had a lot of calories so he should toss it. Artie went through some more stuff and tossed it. George said it was an amazing transformation at the table since they cleaned up.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was dealing with a couple of mental midgets there and he has to treat them like kids. Howard said that he's the one who should be out of control, not these two guys. He doesn't want to be the voice of reason, Robin should be that person. Howard said that he's supposed to be the wild one, not those two. Artie said he feels bad because he should have cleaned up when Howard asked them to. They went to break after George did another quick announcement.
Howard said that Gwen is very girly and she's been married to that guy from Bush for so long that she's probably tired of him. He said that he was happening when they got married but the guy hasn't had a hit record in a long time.
Howard said he'll be up on some upper floor over at Letterman and probably won't even see Gwen there. He said the last time he was there Carrie Underwood was there and he didn't see her at all.
Howard said that Madonna had a special on recently but it flopped pretty bad and he realized that she just has no business dancing around the way she does at her age. She's close to 50 and no one wants to see that stuff from her anymore. He goofed on her about the way she dance and how she's too skinny and stuff like that.
Howard said he hopes to get to see Gwen tonight. He said he did that once with Katie Holmes and they actually ushered her into his room. She didn't have anything to say but he did get to say hello to her. Howard said it would be funny if he and Dave got to double team Gwen. He'd tell Dave to take her mouth and he'd take the back door. He said Paul Shaffer could watch. Fred started playing some audio clips of Taylor Rain moaning as Howard was creating the scene of him and Dave banging Gwen.
Howard said that he'd feel kind of weird being on stage with Dave and Gwen after he finished. Artie told him he could have Dave cuddle with her so Howard could get out of there. Howard said it would be great if Dave went limp during the act.
Wendy the Retard called and left a message asking Howard to give her some money to buy her family Christmas presents. All she has is $30 to her name. Howard said he finds it hard to believe that she even has thirty bucks.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Howard if he heard Chuck Zito's show last night. Howard didn't hear it but he heard that it was good. The guy said that Chuck is really homophobic and when he got a call about Artie and Benjy's gay thing, he didn't want to hear about it and quickly moved on. The caller asked if they were going to have any butt fucking on his show. Chuck ignored that question and moved on.
Artie said that he got the willies just thinking about it yesterday so he's glad that Chuck moved on the way he did. In another clip Chuck talked about a fight he had one time where he kept it going because the other guy wasn't bleeding when he asked to stop. Chuck said he had to get stitches in his head after being hit in the head with a champagne bottle. Howard said that if he ever got hit like that, it would be a story he'd be telling every day. He wouldn't forget one detail about it.
Artie said he once got stop signed by a bouncer at a club. He said he had two cops holding him when this bouncer slammed his head into his leg. That led to him talking about how he had to go to the hospital and get his nose re-set because it was broken. He was waitering and when he went to take an order, his nose started to bleed and the woman freaked out on him. The owner of the place slapped him in the face and told him to get out of there because he thought he was on drugs.
Howard said he's long stopped criticizing what goes on at Letterman. He just goes on and does his thing. He said it's odd how they don't promote his upcoming appearance on the show. He thinks that CBS is afraid that satellite is going to be huge and they won't promote that appearance. Howard said that they can keep his name off the promos but it's not going to stop satellite from doing what it's going to do.
Howard said that their friend Nick DiPaolo is getting a job doing a radio show over at Free FM where they used to work and he really has no hard feelings for him. He said he's happy that Nick is going to be working. He knows that satellite is superior radio and he can do and say whatever he wants while they can't do that on regular radio.
Howard mentioned that on The View yesterday, Joy Behar told Barbara Walters that her 10 most fascinating people shows is great and wondered if anyone has turned her down. Howard said that Barbara didn't want to say who had turned her down but she did have someone who did turn her down. Howard said that he is the one who turned it down because it was a lot of horse shit. He said he talked to Barbara about that on her radio show there at SIRIUS and she admitted that he was the one who turned her down.
Howard said that if he was so fascinating, why would they lump him in with 9 other schlubs. He said he should get a full segment instead of being mixed in with a bunch of other people.
Howard said he would never have the balls to start a service like this. Launching a satellite costs like $200 million or something like that. He said this is how definite these people are that this will be a successful venture. He said that the car companies believe in it too because they're putting the radios in their cars.
George said that it really is an amazing venture and he doesn't believe that it will be aborted. Howard had to go to another break after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who told Howard to bring Evil Dave with him to Letterman so he could have Evil Dave interviewed by the real Dave. Howard said that Letterman wanted him to have Evil Dave on the phone one time. He said they could do that but it might be kind of lame. Gary suggested that they could play some clips on Letterman but Howard told him you really can't do that on his show. He said he used to try to do prop stuff on his show but they don't want that crap there.
The caller said that Dave wanted Evil Dave to call in that one time and it would be kind of cool to do that. Howard said he'd like to have Evil Dave there doing his impression of Dave, repeating his lines but Dave wouldn't like to do that.
Evil Dave read some of his lines and cracked some jokes about Michael Richards act being just fine with him and stuff like that. Howard said he read that Dave is staying with CBS for a few more years and getting $35 million. Dave said that these days the shows are filled with blacks and fags unlike when he was a child.
Howard said that Dave is going to be on the air for one year longer than Jay Leno will be. Dave said he fantasizes about having Leno's balls on his chin when he's blowing him.
Dave joked about Britney Spears' vagina looking ''de-scust-ing'' and how it looks worse than his grandmother's did when he banged her... after she died.
Evil Dave went back to his Michael Richards thing and joked more about that. He also asked Robin if he could put cool whip on his balls and have Robin lick it off if he put some mistletoe over it.
Howard said that Rev. Bob Levy wrote another awful song parody about Robin. He played the song that he actually played one other time. Howard said the song was awful. That got Dave talking about Robin a little bit and cracking some jokes about her.
Robin said that the race between her and Bubba doesn't seem to be happening at this point. Howard through they were all set and found it hard to believe they didn't have it worked out yet. Tim Sabean came in and said that he was down in Florida talking to some people and it's a much bigger deal than Howard knows. He said they are working out the details. Howard said that maybe they should wait until next Summer to do the race. Robin is unable to practice since all of the courses are closed up north at this time of year.
Evil Dave said that they just found water on mars which means they could find life there... and he hopes that it's not Jews that they find. He also joked about how sneaky the Jews are because the guy who plays Borat is actually a Jew.
Dave said that his mouth was watering just thinking about seeing K-Fed's package in the Britney Spears video. Howard took a call from a guy who said that he put together a game where the guys have to guess if the item or person is heavier than Artie, who weighed in at 287 pounds yesterday. The guy asked if he's lighter or heavier than a baby hippo. Howard stuttered for a second and the guy interrupted telling him he was wrong even though he hadn't answered.
The guy gave Howard another one where he asked if Artie was more than a 1980s Coke machine. Artie was less than that, the machine is over 700 pounds. The guy asked if Artie is heavier than Hulk Hogan. Artie weighs more than Hulk by 2 pounds. The corpse of Mama Cass Elliot was the next comparison. it turns out Artie weighs more, she was at 238 pounds at the time of her death.
The guy asked if Artie or an Original Pac-Man arcade game weighs more. It turns out that Artie is more, the game weighed 260 pounds. Howard told him to give one more. The guy asked if Artie or a new born Baby Elephant is more. Artie weighs more, a baby elephant is about 265 pounds. Howard let him do one more. Artie or the Corpse of Elvis. Elvis weighed 349 pounds when he died. Artie was shocked by that and couldn't believe he was so much.
Artie said he read a book about the crap that Elvis was eating in the final years of his life. The caller asked Howard another one.. Artie or an average Silverback Gorilla. The gorilla weighs about 375 pounds. Artie asked ''Who makes more money, this guy or a baby elephant...'' He said he's pretty sure that this guy doesn't work at all.
Evil Dave told some jokes that didn't go over very well so Artie goofed on him and asked him to explain what they meant. Evil Dave has no idea. The caller kept going with his questions and asked if Artie or 10 gold bars stored at Fort Knox weighs more. The gold weighs less. Artie or the liberty bell? The liberty bell weighs 2000 pounds. Artie said that he doesn't have a crack like the bell... but Robin said ''yes you do'' reminding him that he has an ass crack.
The caller asked if he could get a tour of the studio from Gary. Howard said he could do that and he would even be allowed up there to see them while they're doing a show. Evil Dave tried telling a couple of jokes but they weren't going over very well.
The caller asked if Artie or an engine from a 1970s Volkswagen Beetle weighed more. It turns out Artie weighs more, the engine only weighs 275 pounds. Howard thanked the caller for the game and thanked Evil Dave for coming in.
Evil Dave screwed up a couple of his lines so Howard asked him if he ever practices his lines. Will came in and said that he did have him rehearsing this morning and he did fine. Then he comes into the studio and screws it up.
Howard asked Dave about his personal life and found out that he's gotten divorced. He also broke up with a girlfriend that he had the last time he was on. Howard and the guys would ask him questions and Dave would respond with a ''HUH?'' almost every time. Dave said that he didn't lose his wife because he was dating. He said everyone thinks that's the case but it's not true. Will said that Dave dated this chick who was a fan of his and met him at a gig he was doing. She was a fan until she started dating him.
Howard asked Dave when he last got laid. Dave said he didn't want people to know that stuff and said that was privacy issue. That got Artie laughing hysterically. Gary came in and said that Dave was telling them on the Wrap Up show one time talking about what a failure his wife thought he was. Dave said that he thinks he's a failure as well. He said he doesn't have time to go see a therapist because he gets so busy. He said he did go to some counseling when his father died.
Howard asked him about the counseling thing and asked why he doesn't go for his divorce. He said he went to three sessions that were covered by his employer. Dave said his wife seemed to think that he was going to be a big star or something and it just never happened.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's very glad that he doesn't have to listen to Tom Chiusano anymore now that they're on satellite. Howard said he doesn't hold anything against Tom, he still talks to the guy and stays in touch with him. He was just the guy who had to take the fall for all of the censoring over there. He said he's glad he's out of that weird situation he was in over there.
The caller suggested a new show idea for Howard to do where they have a male version of ''The View'' but Howard told the guy that they already do that on this show. He also said that a TV version was already done with Dick Clark and Mario Lopez as well and that turned out to be a flop.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and started in on one of her long love fest chants about Howard. Fred was playing the crow cawing sound and then Howard cut her off when she started screaming. Another caller asked Howard if he was flying out to L.A. To do Kimmel's show on Friday. Howard said that he's doing the show via satellite and he was going to force Jimmy to come out to New York to do the show because Jimmy really wants him on.
A caller asked George if he had ever had sex with an Asian man. George said he had and then revealed that he was with a black woman for a while. George said that it was a genuine affection and not just to cover up his homosexuality. He said that was back when he lived in New York but she has since passed away.
Howard spent a few minutes talking to George about being with a woman and if he was able to get off with one. George said that it was possible and a very genuine love he had for her. George said he doesn't believe that every man has bi-sexual feelings but there are a lot. He said he feels that he could go either way but he prefers men over women. Howard wrapped up after that and went to break.
Howard said that Janks was going to be at Brady's Irish Pub on Friday night in Bensalem, Pennsylvania. They actually hooked everyone up with some food this morning. Howard said that Janks looks like he's been eating quite a bit of food lately. That led to Janks saying that he doesn't weigh as much as a baby elephant though.
Artie was eating a lot of that food from Brady's and also talking about how great the Linden's Chocolate Chippers cookies are. He handed over a bag to Howard so he could see how many calories were in them.
George Takei was talking about how sad it is to see Artie eating so much food. He said he's seen pictures of Artie when he was thin and it's very sad to see him so big. Janks interrupted and said that he was honored to be there because he's a huge Star Trek fan. He was happy to be there with George Takei.
Howard said that Janks once called into the Sportscenter show on ESPN and pretended to be this guy Steve Bartman who they really wanted to interview. Janks said Steve is a fan of the show and gave him all of the information he needed to make the call happen. Howard played the call where Janks pretends to be that guy. They take the call and Janks tells his story, as Steve, and how he caught this ball that was in play during a baseball game. Janks then says that he's sorry for what he did and talks about how many people are chasing him down... Then asks the reporter if he likes Howard Stern's butt cheese. They realize that they were just had and go right to commercial break.
Janks said that they had the closed captioning running during that interview and some people wrote in who saw it playing in bars around the country and told him that they actually printed out the Butt Cheese line on the closed captioning.
Howard played another prank call that Janks did where he called a homework help show and pretended to be a little kid. He asked a math question ''What's the square root of Howard Stern's asshole?'' They quickly hang up and move on.
Howard had some other calls to play and Artie wanted to hear them all. Sal came in and said that they have Janks calling a show as Bob Hope's comedy writer. Janks told Howard how he was able to do it just by telling them that he was that guy. He got on the air and told the reporter that he heard that Bob died choking on Howard Stern's ball sack.
Artie said he doesn't get the whole concept of the Christmas card with a couple on it. Howard said that he and Beth did a shoot with Us magazine and they didn't use this picture in the magazine so they took it and made it their Christmas card. Artie said he just doesn't get the whole idea of sending out a card like that. Howard said he has hundreds of people on his card list but it's like a business thing.
Howard said his mother did get his Christmas card and she said ''Beauty and the beast'' when she saw it. He said that he told her he couldn't believe she was talking about Beth like that and then thought that was a really hurtful thing to say to him. He said he would never say something like that to his mother. He said he knows he's ugly but when his mother says it to him, it really hurts.
Artie said his mother probably wouldn't say something like that, she'd play blind and tell him he was handsome. He said that he knows how Howard must feel though. It's pretty rough to say something like that to a guy. Howard said that he has therapy right before Letterman tonight so he might have to talk about that. He said maybe he should bring the card on Letterman tonight and tell that story. He said Dave will probably start ripping into him though.
Howard said you have to be careful what you send to Regis because it'll end up on his show. He said he went to a party one time and Regis was going around taking pictures of everyone which is something he would never do. The woman on the phone said she still loves his show and thanked him before Howard let her go.
Captain Janks asked Howard if it's true that he's friends with Rosie O'Donnell now. Howard said he's not really friends, but he has met her and has spoken to her. Janks said it would be great if they had her on the show some day. Howard said he'd like to have her on. He also said that he'd be wiling to do The View so he could dig into that Elisabeth Hasselbeck chick.
Howard said that they've kind of gone underground by going to satellite radio and he almost doesn't want to crawl out to do these shows he's doing. He said he's only doing it for the good of SIRIUS. Robin told Howard that maybe he should take the card and put his mother's face over Beth's and then ask Dave ''Now who's the Beauty and who's the beast?''
Howard played a clip of Regis talking about his card. Regis was very nice about it and showed it to his audience. Howard said he doesn't even know who sent it, he said Beth must have done that because he didn't remember doing it.
Howard took a call from a guy who told him that he's way too thin skinned and he shouldn't get so uptight about stuff. Howard said that he's always been thin skinned and this is nothing new. Benjy asked Howard if his mother likes Beth. Howard said she loves her and has told him that she would love it if he married her some day if he wanted to.
Howard said his mother thinks that he's very lucky to be with Beth and she thinks that Beth is a giver, just like she is. He spent a little while talking about how well the two of them get along. Howard took a call from what was supposed to be his mother but it was just audio clips of her voice. He had an argument with her even though she wasn't there.
George Takei thought that it was really Howard's mother so he ended up asking her some questions and she was actually answering him in ways that kept the conversation going. It took George a few minutes before he realized that he'd been had once again. He said that he's so gullible and can't believe Howard would do that to him again.
Janks said that he's moved up at the gas station and is now the manager there. He said no chicks want to go out with a guy like that. Howard gave Janks a plug for his web site CaptainJanks.tk. Janks had a dot com but someone bought it up when he didn't renew it and now they're trying to sell it back to him. He said that's why he went with the .tk thing.
Howard had another Captain Janks clip to play where Janks calls a TV program and asks the host if he likes Howard Stern's meat whistle. The guy hangs up and ignores the question. Howard wrapped up with Janks and gave him some more plugs. He also played a call that Janks made to Peter Jennings years ago.
Howard said that Janks used to call this Mother Angelica show and those were his favorites. He played one of those calls where Janks asks this nun if she would ''spread for Baba Booey.'' Mother Angelica talks about how sick these people are and how insulting it is to have them calling her show.
Howard had another clip where Janks calls up a show as Chuck Wollery and talks to his co-hosts who don't recognize that it's not him. Janks then says that Rick Dees blows and Howard Stern rules. Then they get the hint that it wasn't really Chuck.
Artie requested one of Janks' calls where he talked about Howard Stern making hot monkey love to Kathie Lee but Howard wasn't able to find it. Janks was also the guy who spread the rumor that Artie had passed away when they were out in Vegas a few years back. Janks said that he gave the channel his number in Pennsylvania so they could call him back and confirm the story. They called and confirmed it and then went to air with the fake story.
Artie talked about that day and how his manager got a call about the death and even he wasn't sure if it was true or not. He said the morning after that they played audio from the news reports and it was kind of funny to hear his own eulogy on the news.
Alice said hello to George so he asked her why she has so much hate for someone. She told George about why she dislikes that fat fuck so much. She rambled on and on complaining about Artie. They were going back and forth for a few minutes. Then Howard found the clip where Alice goes into this evil voice and yells about her hate toward Artie. Alice got a laugh out of that and thanked him for playing it.
Howard let Alice go and talked about Nicole Richie's arrest again. Robin had some audio clips of the 911 calls that were being made about her driving on the wrong side of the road. People were calling in to report her pulling into the wrong lane going the wrong direction.
Howard was going to play one last Captain Janks call before he went to break. He gave Janks some more plugs for his upcoming gigs, his DVD and other stuff. The final call he played was one to Jerry Lewis during his telethon. They spent a short time talking about that call and how pissed off Jerry got after that prank call. Janks said that he fooled the producer into thinking that it was Larry King calling in by playing some audio clips of Larry for him. Howard wrapped up with Janks after that and had George Takei read an announcement as they were going to break.
Steve Langford came in with his Howard 100 News preview. He said that there's a new movie out that's apparently working on doing a movie called ''Church League'' which sounds oddly similar to ''Beer League.'' He also mentioned that the story came in over their new tip line. Artie got in a few plugs for ''Beer League'' after Steve mentioned the story.
Steve Langford said he'll be heading to Letterman tonight to report on Howard's visit there. Jackie the Joke Man and Riley Martin's shows are on tonight so Steve got in plugs for them too.
Jon Hein gave his show rundown and said they'll be talking about Evil Dave's visit. They'll also talk about Benjy and Artie's mess back by their work space. Jon said they'll talk about Captain Janks' visit and also about the Regis mention of Howard's Christmas card.
Howard said that Jon Hein ordered some stuff from Amazon.com recently and when he got his package, it wasn't the stuff he ordered, it was Maggie Gyllenhal's order. Howard said she ordered a bunch of kids books. Jon said that the box was addressed to him so he didn't open up anyone else's package. Robin thought that he had opened something he shouldn't have. Howard turned over the microphones to Robin and had her start her news.
Howard also played an audio clip from a news report about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie where a Scott Ferrall fan was out there yelling out ''Ferrall, Ferrall...'' over and over again.
Howard read some e-mail during Robin's news. One person wrote in about an old movie that George Takei starred in with John Wayne. Howard said they got a lot of praise for George in the e-mail. They also got a lot of negative mail about Fred since they talked about how little he gets. He said they had a ton of stuff about Artie not being a good father. The fans wanted Howard to lay off the poor guy and not drive him over the edge. There were some people who said that Artie should have a pet before having a kid. If they can't care for a pet, they can't care for a kid.
Howard read one mail from someone who said he saw Artie in a car with KC at the airport. Artie said he did see KC out there but not at the airport. KC said he stopped by the hotel and said hi to him. He said KC will be back in the area for the holidays.
Howard pointed out that Artie was an answer for a crossword puzzle recently. Artie said that his mother had one framed when he was a question back in 1998. He said that she got really excited over it and had it framed. Artie thought it was pretty big to be in the Washington Post so he was going to give that to his mother as well.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:10am.
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Howard started off the show talking about how tired he was after being taken out of his routine. Robin said that she's tired as well and didn't make it over to Letterman like she wanted to. Artie told Howard he had a great appearance on Letterman, he stayed up to watch it last night. George Takei said he didn't get to see it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said the appearance was great and Dave was treating him very nice. Howard said he wouldn't have even done it if SIRIUS hadn't pushed him into it. Howard said he gave the whole audience SIRIUS radios before they left. He said the crowd gave him a double ovation when he was leaving.
Howard gave Dave and Paul Stilettos and the rest of the audience regular radios and a short subscription. Howard said giving stuff away is the way to go and he said Oprah must be right when she does that stuff. Howard said the crowd loved it so much that when he started to talk after they cheered, they started to cheer again.
Howard said that Dave joked that maybe they should have given the people TVs as well as satellite radio. Howard said that Scott Greenstein and his agent Don Buchwald came up with the idea and called the people at CBS wanted to charge them for doing a commercial when they did that. They eventually worked things out and took care of that.
Howard said it was a big deal to make all of that stuff happen and he knows where the push to charge for an advertisement came from. He said CBS doesn't want satellite radio to be successful. Robin asked if he had 3 segments last night. Howard said they did do that but they had a really short segment that they had to deal with. He said that they don't dick around with the commercial breaks there now. He said they go black for 30 seconds and come right back.
Howard said he was dressed up as a weird Santa-like character last night. Ralph made that up and he looked kind of odd in that. His legs were showing and the caller said that's like the first time his legs have been shown since US Open Sores. Howard thought it would be funny if he just forgot his pants and his cock and balls were hanging out. He's not comfortable doing that with his cock and balls so then he tried it on with tight white underwear. He put on some really pervy boots and almost had like panties on. Ralph was cracking up and then Beth walked in the room and wondered what they were up to.
Howard said he had second thoughts about the pants and brought them with him to Letterman. His agent told him to show what it looked like and told him it looked vile. He had Howard try it on with boxer shorts and went with that instead. He said the tighty whitie thing would have been funnier though. He said it was really funny and Letterman thought it was really funny and had a good laugh.
Howard said that they were talking about what it's like to have kids in their 20s during a break. He said he told Dave that kids at Dave's kid's age love you but they eventually get to the point where they become independent and start hating their parents. He told Dave about that and how weird it is to deal with that. Dave asked him if he would have more kids. Howard told him he already went through it and doesn't want to deal with that kind of work again, he needs more ''me time.'' Howard said he didn't realize Dave was wondering if he should have more kids.
Howard said he went out and kissed the top of Paul Shaffer's head and that was kind of weird. He figured that Dave had a good time because he was laughing the whole time. Dave even walked back stage and shook his hand again when he was leaving and getting unwired by Biff. He said he doesn't like doing those shows because he's always afraid that something is going to happen where he wouldn't come over and shake his hand.
Howard said that Gwen Stefani was kind of cunty and that bummed him out. He said he's really attracted to her and she really does it for him. He said he thinks she's fuckin awesome and her body just kills. He imagined her lips on his cock... Then he said that there were a bunch of fans outside the studios and they were so enthusiastic that it made him feel really good. He feels that he has a Stern Army that's out there. He said High Pitch Eric, Mariann from Brooklyn, Eddie the Produce Guy and others were there. It made him feel really good.
Howard said he went in and passed Gwen Stefani as he was going in. She said hello to him and he told her that he loves her new song, which he really does. She had to leave to rehearse so he let her go. Then after his appearance he saw her again and told her and her whole crew how good they were. He said Gwen blew right by him when he saw her the second time and it kind of bummed him out.
Robin said she's seen Gwen on other shows and she doesn't seem like a very warm person in general. Even with her fans. Robin said that she was thinking that maybe she shouldn't talk on these shows because she is so cold to people. Howard was hoping that Gwen would blow him. That wasn't happening though. Howard said Beth wanted to see the appearance this morning so they watched a little of it before he left.
Howard said he brought his Christmas card with him to show Dave and to tell him about what his mother said about it looking like Beauty and the Beast. He said Beth looked really good in that picture. He thought he looked good too but his mother thought it was like Beauty and the Beast. Howard said people have been e-mailing him about that and they tell him that he's too sensitive.
Howard told Robin that he talked about her meat and vegetables thing. She said that's just great, now even more people know what she did. Howard said he had a lot of fun and Dave gave him a lot of time to promote. He said that on SternFanNetwork the fans were complaining that it was an old clip from the K-Rock days. He said they were just trying to get some promotion out there. He said a lot of people thought that they should have shown Richard Christy getting waxed so maybe he'll do that on Conan's show tomorrow night.
Howard said that even his agent told him how great that appearance was last night and he never tells him stuff like that. He said that actually kind of pisses him off.
Howard asked Bong Hit about this trust fund, which he's supposed to get at 35. Bill said he used to have a heroin problem like Artie and the pot smoking is no big deal to him. Howard told him that he'd better have a pre-nup when he marries his girl. Bill said he's not stupid but Howard told him to think that through before he goes through with it. George Takei said he'd be worried about this guy being on the road for the next 5 years smoking pot and all.
Artie said it would be nice if the guy had a job and had that million bucks to fall back on. Howard said it would suck if he died at the age of 34 before he gets the money. That led to Bill saying that Riley Martin says that the Aliens are supposed to come down around that time so maybe he will miss out on the million bucks.
Howard said Riley was talking about the curse he put on them months ago. He played an audio clip where Riley told a caller that he did not put a curse on them and they have nothing to worry about. Riley said that he had to tell everyone to take care and be careful what they say about people because they may get a curse put on them.
Artie said that today is Cupcake Wednesday and he was afraid that he was going to miss out on them so he asked Howard if he could run out and get some. He didn't have to get up, Ronnie brought some in for him. Artie asked George if he wanted one so he took a Chocolate one. Artie told him he was a motherfucker because that's his favorite.
Robin mentioned that Brian Phelan brought in some bagels and stuff and she heard Scott the Engineer ask him ''What, no napkins?'' after the guy had brought in all of this food for everyone. Scott came in and said that George was out there too and he asked if there were any napkins, so that's when he asked about the napkins. Howard said that Gary was talking about how Scott gives out his Christmas gifts early so people know that he's given them gifts so they don't forget about him. Howard said people usually forget about him but they can't forget if he gives gifts early.
Artie said that Scott drove him home yesterday and said that Scott's car... He has to get a new one. He said that Scott has a car that you feel like it's going to disintegrate when you touch it. He has a back door that won't open and it's awful. Scott said that it's a 10 year old Civic that he drives into the city. He has a newer car at home. Artie offered to pay for Scott's parking but he didn't even take that. Howard heard that Scott asked for toll money but Artie said that wasn't true.
Artie told Scott he really should get a new car. Scott said he's not getting one unless Howard gets him something. That led to Artie talking about how Howard giving Robin her Mercedes ended up on some VH-1 show. He said they were showing the car and doing a whole spot about how Howard spends his money.
Howard said he hates how he has his Letterman appearances picked apart. It's a good thing people don't pick apart his radio show like that. He said it shouldn't be so important for him to do so good on that one show. Artie said that when you're a comedian you put pressure on yourself even more when you get popular. He said that when he did Letterman, he thought that if he sucked, everything he's done in his career would have meant nothing.
Howard mentioned that Howard TV has a special with High Pitch Eric sitting next to a fire that people can watch on Christmas day. The guys watched that going on in the studio and were grossed out by what they were seeing. Howard said they have that and hundreds of hours of stuff available on Howard TV. He let Eric go a short time later. Eric said that he's doing an internet radio show and people can hear him on PrankCallRadio.com
Howard had some audio from that show that Artie mentioned earlier (''Fabulous Life of ...'' : ''Jaw-Dropping Celebrity Splurges''). He played the clip where this guy talks about how much money he makes and how much he spent on Robin's Mercedes. Artie said that the report is brutal. Howard continued playing it and when they started talking about the house he's having built, he cut it off and said he couldn't listen.
Artie said that they talk about Jerry Seinfeld being one of his neighbors but Howard said the guy doesn't live anywhere near him. He said that Seinfeld has like 20 acres out in the Hamptons and it's not close to where he's having his house built. That led to the guys talking about how Steven Spielberg has a house out that way as well but it's not close to Howard either.
Howard said that no one is watching VH-1 but Robin said a lot of people she knows have seen this segment that he was playing. Howard played more of the clip and they talk about how much he's spending on this house of his. He cut it off again and took a phone call.
Mike asked Howard if it gets harder to have kids as they get older. He said he's got a 3 year old right now and it's a great age. Howard said it does get harder and it gets weird as time goes by. Howard said it probably helped his kids when they got old enough to go to school because they got away from him. He said that things change and the kids get friends and start challenging you.
Mike asked Howard who he thinks his kids get along with better, him or his wife. Howard said he thinks the girls get along with his ex-wife because girls tend to get along with their mothers better. He said he can't talk to them about their periods and stuff. He also talked about his daughter's dating and stuff like that. He doesn't want to be like the guy who says that no guy is good enough for his girls. He wants them to be happy and all. Howard said his 13 year old won't tell him anything but she will talk to Beth.
Howard said that his oldest daughter thought he was going to have someone following her around when she went to school. He said he would worry but he'd never have anyone following her around. Robin said that it's better to be the aunt because you never lose them that way. Howard let Mike go and wondered what it would be like having that guy as a dad. Artie said he seems like a good guy and seems to work hard.
A caller asked Howard what the origin of ''Hey Now!'' is. Howard explained that it came from The Larry Sanders Show but it really had no meaning. It was kind of a take on Ed McMahon's ''Hey Ohhhh.'' Howard said that Hey Now was always one of his favorite lines. The caller said that he's taken it to another level talking about it on the show like that.
The caller also brought up Howard's outfit on Letterman last night and said that he's got balls to wear something like that. Howard said he never wants to take himself too seriously so that's why he can go on the show and wear something like that.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and told Howard how great Letterman was last night. She said she saw the people coming out with the radios and they loved that they got them. Mariann said that Howard was incredible. She got into the green room at the show and got to sit with Scott Greenstein over there. Howard said he heard that Scott was so excited about the appearance that he came in his pants. Mariann said that she wanted to know what corner to stand on to see him at Conan. Howard wasn't sure so Artie gave her an address that wasn't right and she said ''Screw you Artie.''
Howard said the people on the show matter dearly to him and he wouldn't want to hurt them by talking about something like that. He had this moment where he thought twice about that story and asked Ralph if it was mean to tell that story. Ralph said it was mean but he didn't think he should cut it out. Howard called Vinnie Favale and asked him to cut that out of the conversation.
Artie said that he talks about that stuff on those shows and he really wouldn't have minded it. Howard said Dave asked him if he was on heroin now so Howard told him he wasn't sure. Artie said that he's going on January 3rd so he'll tell Dave that he can confirm that he was on heroin. Artie said maybe he'll go on and shoot up on the show and have Dave tie him off.
Howard thought he did it in a humorous way. He was going to call Artie and warn him about it if they hadn't been able to cut it out. He wasn't sure how Artie as going to take it though.
Howard said he went to dinner last night and had to call Vinnie and ended up yelling into his phone asking him to cut that segment. Artie said he always has second thoughts about his appearances and what he might have said wrong. Howard knew that maybe it wasn't something he should talk about on the show. Now he's having second thoughts about having it cut out.
Howard took a call from a guy who said it seemed like Dave and Howard were really getting along well last night and it was like 2 friends just hanging out and talking. Howard said that there aren't many people who have been going on that show for 20 years. He said that Dave doesn't always bringing people back like that so consistently. He said that he and Dave seem to be fond of each other so maybe that's why they get along.
the caller told Howard that maybe Gwen Stefani has a punk rocker attitude and maybe she really loves Howard but didn't show it. Howard said he sure doesn't get that feeling from her.
Double A called in and told Howard how cool it was that he did what he did for the fans on Letterman. He quickly moved on to Beth O and asked how her photo shoot went for FHM. Howard said she called him and told him that she was wearing a bridal veil and a thong at the shoot. He said that he told her that Double A would have rather have been at her shoot than at Letterman. Double A asked Howard to tell Beth ''Happy Holidays'' and said that he would trade in all of the chicks he gets to be with Beth if he could.
Eric said that he's tired of them playing him off as a villain. George told him that those roles are great for actors. Howard said he can't accept anything nice from them. Eric said that his character's name is ''Teensy Weensy'' and George thought that was actually a cool name. Fred said that he's actually ''Teensy Weensy the Terrible.''
Howard asked Eric if he wanted to do it or not. Eric said he would think about it for 24 hours and get back to them. Howard said they wrote this script for him and he won't even do it. Eric said that Johnny (Fratto) told him that he was on hold the other day and he got pissed when they didn't pick up. He wanted to let them know that he's going to be on a game show next month.
Howard asked Eric if he wanted to do this part or not. George told him that it was a great part and he should do it. Eric said he got so PO'd at the script that he didn't study it. George told him that they're thinking of him as an actor and that's the part he was going to play. Eric said he has a lot of people who hate him on Myspace so he doesn't want to play the part.
George told Eric to find it in himself to play the part of an evil guy. They know that he's a nice guy and he's just acting out the part. Howard asked him to do one of his lines so they could act it out. Eric stayed quiet. Fred played some of the sound effects they were going to use.
Eric said that he's going to be doing some stuff for the show next month so he is doing stuff for them. Fred played some baby crying clips which pissed him off. Howard let him go a short time later and told Eric to call back tomorrow.
Howard took a call from a guy who suggested that Howard bring a clip from the Shock the Balls Howard TV show when he goes on Conan's show. Howard told Doug to set him up with that. Howard took another call after that and the woman told him that sometimes his Letterman appearances are kind of awkward but he seemed to be so relaxed last night. She said that he used to act like a performing clown or something but last night it was different and she liked it.
The woman told Howard that Bubba is going to be pissed that he didn't mention him on Letterman last night because they were talking about that on his show yesterday. Howard said that Andy Dick called him too asking him to promote his Shit Show but he wasn't able to just go on and read a laundry list of shows they have on their channels.
Howard mentioned that they're doing a special taping of the Jimmy Kimmel show on Friday night. Howard will be live via satellite and Jimmy has to get a crowd to show up at the El Capitan theater so he gave out the web site 1Iota.com where people can go get tickets.
Howard played the clip where JD tells Jon Hein about being in Drama Club and how he played the lead in the play of ''Get Smart'' they did in school. He was explaining how he got the nickname ''Cheesy'' to Jon and Gary and cracked himself up while no one else was laughing.
JD came in so Howard said he was surprised that they did a ''Get Smart'' play in high school. He asked JD to do his Maxwell Smart character but JD had never seen the show so he didn't know what to do. Fred did his impression of JD playing the part and goofed on him a little bit. JD said he would never do a play again.
Howard asked about the Cheesy line so JD repeated the horrible story again which led to everyone doing their impressions of him. JD talked about the play he did and said that he had a shoe phone and all of that stuff. He didn't remember all of the details about the play and couldn't even remember who played Agent 99.
George asked why he was in Drama Club if he wasn't that interested in acting. JD said it was something to do. He said that one of his teachers thought he would be great in the play so Howard said he spoke to the teacher and he spoke just like JD.
Artie said that he got kicked out of a class in school and ended up taking Oceanography. He said the final exam was to identify these fish and he ended up leaving the answers blank. The teacher would give them an extra credit answer about TV shows. His question was about how many doors Agent Smart goes through at the start of the show. He missed it by one because the teacher counted the car door. Artie said he got a -10 on his final for Oceanography because he even missed that easy question.
Howard said that he's a student of television and knows that it was 7 doors that Agent Smart goes through. Robin said that would be a ridiculous question to get points for on a test. Robin said it's really not important. Howard said that you have to learn the powers of observation so it could help someone out in business. Robin thought he was full of it talking about that nonsense.
Howard played a clip of Letterman talking about him before he came out. Dave called him a master communicator and how controversial he is. Dave gave him a nice intro and said that they'll find out what Howard is up now that he's on satellite radio.
Howard played another clip where he announces he's brought gifts for Dave and Paul. Then he announces that he brought radios for everyone in the audience. The crowd went nuts when they heard that. Howard then says that he feels like the White Oprah by giving away those gifts to the crowd.
Howard said that Paul was so excited about getting that radio that he had it unwrapped and headphones in by the time he was leaving. He said people were going nuts for those radios and they really do make great gifts.
Howard played another clip where he told Dave about satellite radio and how he's much happier there than he was on regular radio. They have less commercials, everyone is happier. Dave asked if Baba Booey is still there with him. Howard said he is and then tells Dave about the Staff Revelations and what Robin revealed about the meats and vegetables.
Howard also talks about Jenna Jameson coming on the show and telling her story about Jenny McCarthy. Howard told Dave that they got to third base and on old radio they wouldn't have been able to talk about that. Howard explained what third base was to Dave. Howard stopped the tape and said he was sorry he didn't see that show last night. He was getting a lot of laughs from it.
In another clip Dave talks about Howard going to a holiday party the other night. That led to Howard saying that he's very much like Dave not being married and staying home so much. Howard explained to Dave what happened when he went to Bryant Gumble's Christmas party the other night. He tells Dave about how he wanted to get out of there when they saw Gayle King at the party. He said she turned out to be very nice and he had a nice conversation with her. Dave asked Howard if he would think twice about bad mouthing Oprah now that he's met Gayle. Howard said he will not shy away from talking about her if she does something he doesn't like.
Howard talked to Dave about his run in with Al Roker at the party as well. He told Dave about how miserable that meeting was. Then he sees Spike Lee at the party and wants to get the hell out of there. He told Dave about talking to Kelly Ripa at the party. Dave said that maybe Howard should change a little bit and he wouldn't have to worry about who he meets at parties. Howard said that he thought about that but then talked about how he's the guy who shows up on Dave's show with no pants on and realized he can't change.
Howard said there was more to the Letterman show but he wasn't sure if anyone wanted to hear it. Everyone wanted to hear it so he played another clip. In that clip Dave brings out Howard's Christmas card. Howard then goes on to explain how the card came to be and how Regis showed it on his show. Then he tells Dave about how his mother called it Beauty and the Beast when she saw the card. He said that she should have been taking his side and not call him a beast.
Everyone was laughing at the clips Howard was playing. He said there were more clips so he played one where he mentioned Siobhan the Transsexual. Howard tells Dave about what a train wreck she is and how she called asking him to help get her laid. Howard explains how one guy threw up and how other guys just weren't able to do it. The last guy scored a touchdown and was able to do it. Howard said he's glad to be doing what he's doing for his country.
Robin told Howard it was an excellent appearance. Artie said that would make him want to get satellite radio. The guys spent a short time talking about Siobhan after George Takei asked about her. Howard, Fred and Robin did their impressions of Siobhan and goofed on her a little bit.
Lisa G said they'll be talking about Bubba's upcoming wedding and what they'll be giving him as a gift. Artie said he's giving a thousand bucks and Howard is flying everyone down to Florida for the wedding. That's his gift to Bubba but he will probably give him some money too.
Ralph called in and brought up the Letterman appearance and mentioned where they got the Santa robe from. He said it was this guy Eddie Mark from Western Costume. He said that she was kind of cunty in his opinion. He said that Howard was going on about how much he likes her song and she just walked by him. He said she didn't even stop to acknowledge him and it was really rude. Howard felt that way as well. Ralph doesn't get why Howard is so into her new song. Robin said she kind of thinks her song is catchy.
Lisa G said that they have a report about one of the staff members who isn't so thrilled they got a Stiletto and he's thinking of re-gifting it. She told Howard that it was JD who was the ungrateful person. Howard said he knew it was him. JD said that he's going to give that to his father because he really wanted one. Howard said that he doesn't have to tell everyone what he's up to. JD said that Shuli asked him about it and he just told him. Howard told him to get out of there so JD started to walk out. Howard told him not to walk out when he tells him to get out of there. He told JD that he paid retail for those things and he thought it was a nice gift.
Howard heard that Will had a problem with the Stiletto as well. Will came in and said that Sal had a problem with it too and he was saying that it's like an uncle who owns a pizza shop giving out pizza coupons. Howard said that he asked the guys there what they thought they'd like and that's what the general consensus was. Sal came in and said that Will was lying and he was the one who said that it wasn't a cool gift. Sal claims he was trying to entrap Will and that's why he made the pizza comment.
The guys were also saying that Scott the Engineer was upset with his gift. Scott came in and said that it was a very nice gift and he didn't bad mouth it. Sal said Scott is still pissed about a bottle of wine he got a couple of years ago. Sal said that they're going to have a contest where they try to sell their Stilettos on ebay and the first person to do it wins.
Lisa G thanked Howard for the gift he got for the news department. She was done with her news report so she got out of there a short time later.
Howard mentioned that they have two porn sisters coming in shortly. He said that Ava Rose and Mia Rose will be in soon and played a clip from a porno that Mia was in. He also played a clip of Ava in one of her movies.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she would love one of those Stiletto's as a gift. Howard spent a short time talking about that. The woman also mentioned that she saw Imus on TV for the first time the other day and he looks like a corpse with a cowboy hat on.
Howard said he had a lot to get to this morning. He's got clips from Jackie's Joke Hunt show and a bunch of other audio clips to play. He also mentioned his Jimmy Kimmel appearance and how they're looking for an audience. He had George Takei do a quick announce and then went to break.
Howard finished up the commercial he was in the middle of and came back from break a short time later. They played a bit that Richard had put together where he interviewed audio clips of George and had him saying all kinds of sexual things. George wondered how they did that and if he had forgotten about a month of his life or something.
Howard took a call from a guy who wondered if they know how many people listen to his show. Howard said they've estimated that about 60 percent of the subscribers listen to Howard 100 and 101 so they think that he was the big draw for that many people. He said that the press has been wrong about him all along and they can't admit that satellite is going to be the dominant medium for radio. He said no one likes it and there's a complete media bias against him. Howard said that people think they can do what he does but it's obvious that they can't.
A caller from Canada said that he went to buy a satellite radio up at a store and a guy in an XM shirt asked him why he was buying that instead of XM. The guy said he was sent there to find out why people are going that way and when he was told it was for Howard and NASCAR, the guy said that's what everyone tells him and walked away.
Howard said that XM used to be the big satellite radio company until he signed on with SIRIUS. Now they're outselling them 2-1. He said they have some great stuff there on SIRIUS and a lot of his fans are going to come to SIRIUS when they go to buy a satellite radio.
Howard said that XM didn't have any sales spike when Oprah signed on with them. That means that no one cares that she's on over there. He said that she's only on for a half hour a week so there's no reason anyone would want to subscribe for something like that.
Howard moved on to Rich and said that he claims to be a straight man. George said that he's a very good looking young man. Howard asked Rich if he carries a murse (man purse). He doesn't but Jose told them that he has a really nice one. George asked Rich if he works out. Rich said he does but he doesn't run. George said that there are a lot of gay guys at the gym.
Howard moved on to Chad who looked straight to Howard. He said that Jose appears to be the gay guy to him. He asked Chad to talk about his life and what he does. He works at a bar as a bartender. He had a little bit of a lisp that Howard picked up on. Artie asked Rich if he likes to get fucked in the ass to try and help out with the game.
Chad said that he has been to some Broadway plays. He said he went to see Phantom when he was 12 and also saw The King and I. Howard said that this guy might be gay after hearing him talk a little more. The other two guys have been to some plays as well.
Howard asked George who he thinks is gay. He picked Rich. Howard said that Jose seemed the most gay to him but he was probably wrong. He asked the real gay guy to step up and it turned out to be Chad. Artie said that George has to be the most gullible guy because it was obvious that Chad was the gay guy. Chad didn't tell them about a lot of the stuff they were into because he was supposed to be trying to fool them.
Jose got in a plug because he's been working there at SIRIUS for 6 years now. Artie knows the guy and said that he's a good guy. Jose is the program director for Hard Attack 27 and Octane 20. Artie said he listens to Octane 20 all the time. Jose said he'd like to hear more music on Howard's channels and he could be a nice bridge between the channels there. Jose went into a whole thing about how he'd like to be used for the show but Howard said he kind of zoned out in the middle of it.
Gary said they had a lot of people bail out of the game but Jose was so happy to be involved that he was thanking him for it.
Rich said that he dos a show on Maxim and also on Sirius Hits. He works with this guy Covino on the Rich and Covino show. Howard quickly moved on to Chad and asked him what he does. He quickly rambled off how he works at a casting agency. Gary told Howard they had another round to play if Howard wanted to do it. He said he'd do it real quick but thought they'd had enough.
Howard had the next group of guys come in. They had Brad, James and Jimmy. He spoke to Brad and found out he works there at SIRIUS and he works on Martha Stewart's channel. He had a really deep voice so Howard told him he should be an on-air talent. Howard asked George what he thought about this guy. He wanted to hear from the other two first.
Howard moved on to James and asked him what he does. He works on the other side of the building in production. Howard asked him if he shaves his balls. James said he does but didn't really have an explanation for why he does. That led to Howard talking about how he shaves his balls. He also said that he still looks young down there because he doesn't have grey hair down there or on his head. George Takei said that his hair turned grey down there first when he was about 50 years old.
Howard moved on to Jimmy who is Artie's assistant. The guy said he does carry a murse. He got it for free over at Lord and Taylor after they forgot to ring it up. George told Howard he was getting a vibe from one of the guys. Howard said he thinks it's number 1, Brad, because he looks like a handsome boy. Robin agreed. Artie said that he might know and have an advantage. He said that his assistant is a gay guy. It turns out that he was just kidding and this guy James was the gay guy. Howard said he doesn't give off that vibe so it was kind of surprising to him.
James can't get a man so Howard asked George to help him out. George said he might be able to help him out in California, but not here in New York. James spent a minute talking about telling his parents about being gay. James said he never even tried a girl because he thinks of them as poison. Howard thanked all of the guys for coming in and let them go a short time later.
Howard said it must be tough to be Jackie telling these jokes and keeping them all organized in his house. Howard played a few more clips from Jackie's show and said that his sister is a big fan of his show. She was driving around listening to it and she really enjoys it. Robin said Mr. X is a big fan of his as well.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he had a prank call saved on his S50 radio but it crapped out on him and he lost the clip. He was wondering if they could replay the test shows that Howard and the guys did before they officially started there. Howard said that maybe they can do that on the New Year's Eve weekend or something.
The caller asked Artie where he was at with his food this morning. He had 3 cupcakes, a bagel, some Hawaiian punch and a caramel macchiato.
Tim Sabean came in and said that Artie will be doing a show live from Philly on New Year's Eve. They're going to have a band playing during that. Artie said that they'll have that and Dan the Song Parody Man doing some song parodies live. Howard said he was going to think about calling in after the concert but he's not sure if he'll be awake.
Artie said that Richard Christy will be down there as well. Howard asked Tim if he was over at Letterman last night. Tim said he was there and it was great when Howard put those radios out on Dave's desk. The crowd was also thrilled that they got their radios. Tim talked about all of the great stuff they have on the service.
Howard said that Ralph was doing a great commercial for one of the radios, he uses the S50. Ralph said that he recorded a bunch of songs and loaded up his radio so he could listen to it all day long. He said it has a buffer so you can pause it like TiVo. He said he got stuck in his car the other day and heard a song he liked but didn't have his radio so he didn't know what song it was he was hearing.
Ralph asked George Takei about Star Trek 6 and how William Shatner had insisted on being a Captain on a ship back then when he wouldn't be on the Enterprise. George said that there wouldn't have been an Enterprise if it weren't for Sulu and his ship saving the Enterprise. Howard and the guys reminded George that the movies aren't real. George said that he liked that he was able to keep the action moving and having a much more important role than he would normally have had.
Howard took a call from Dominic Barbara who told him how great he was on Letterman. He also said he was listening to Jackie's show and wanted to hear the story about Howard going up to Jackie's house and having to go up into his attic to see the ''water view'' from there. Howard said he had to crawl on his knees in the attic after climbing a ladder to get up there. He said the window was tiny and he really couldn't see anything.
Howard also talked about the dining room table that Jackie had which was so long that it went out the door. He said it was really white trash like. Dominic also remembered the time Jackie's basement got flooded and all of his joke stuff was soaked. Jackie had to dry it all out on his clothesline.
Artie asked what year that happened. Dominic wasn't sure, they figured it was back in the late 80s or early 90s. Howard let Dominic go and said he had to take a break before bringing in the girls.
Howard said that Ava is the older of the two sisters at 20 years old, Mia is only 19. He asked them about having so much sex and if they think that they're sluts. They said that could be the case when they have sex so much. The girls have had sex with between 75-100 men each. Howard found out that one of the girls likes nerds. She said she's attracted to the smart guys now but she used to sleep with the dumb guys in the past.
Ava has been in 10 features now and Mia has been in about 70 and she's been in the business less time. Howard said they look like they just got out of high school. He said they must have been the stars of their school but they claim they weren't. They had a reputation though. The girls said that they started out stripping before getting into porno. The girls can't even legally drink but they were out drinking last night according to Paul Fishbein.
The girls said that they don't card anywhere there in the city. Robin said that they will be after today. Howard asked the girls if it was weird going into a strip club for the first time. They didn't seem to have a problem with it. One of the girls said that she once went down on a guy who asked him to lick his ass one item and it turned out to be horrible. She said one guy she was doing in a porn movie had a shit ring around his ass and that's why she won't do it.
Howard asked the girls what kind of crazy stuff they've done. One of the girls has gotten electrocuted. She said that it kind of turns her on but this guy got out of control and turned the inside of her thigh black. Howard asked about that and about her getting flogged by a guy. She told Howard about these electric prongs they put over you to do the shocking. She said that she gets wet from doing that kind of stuff but she doesn't think she'll ever do it again.
Howard asked if a guy will do her while she's tied up like that. She said it doesn't happen at the club she goes to but she wouldn't mind it if it happened. Howard said that the girls eventually went from stripping to doing porno so he wanted to know more about that. Howard had some audio clips from a movie where one of the girls was talking really dirty and said that he really likes the way she does that. Howard played one of those clips and said that he thinks it's really sexy. He said no girl has ever done that for him.
Howard asked how a guy can hold out so long with them when they're so young, tight and wet. The girls said that the guy in that clip is really good. Howard read that Mia has a problem with her clit and she's unable to get off by that, she can only get off from penetration.
Howard asked the girls if they would ever do a movie together. Paul told Howard that they can't do it because it's incest and it's illegal. Howard read that Mia had her asshole shocked so he asked her about that. She said it was a barbecue butt plug. She described it to him and said that it's attached to a machine and they shock her.
Howard asked Mia what she does when a guy pulled out something like that. She said it was fine until he asked her to put it in his ass. She said she doesn't want to look at a guy like her bitch and she refused to go there. She won't even put a finger in a guy's ass. Howard said he's with them, he wouldn't want to stick a finger up an ass either.
Howard gave Paul a plug for the AVN Awards (AVNAwards.com) since that's what they were there to promote. The girls are up for some awards so they talked about that for a short time. Mia is up for Best New Starlet. Her sister is up for some stuff as well. Howard asked the girls if they think they'll regret this in the future. The girls said that they don't think that will happen, they're enjoying what they're doing.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked the girl about the one who had the problem with her clit. He asked her what she did because his girlfriend might have that problem. One of the girls said that a guy has to use his mouth and fingers on a girl and do the ''come here'' motion with his finger inside of her. The guy said he does that but the girls told him to do it harder and faster.
Howard got back to the anal electrocution and asked Mia more about that. She was saying that she was getting flogged and stuff like that before she got that done to her. She said that the guy has to work her into something like that, you don't just go right into anal. Mia said she doesn't do it all that often because she ''loves it too much to hate it.''
one of the girls said that she once slept with a 50 year old guy and that was the oldest she ever had. She usually sticks to guys in their 20s though.
Howard said that Paul Fishbein is a guy who knows how to elevate the adult video business where it's never been before. Paul told Howard and Robin how great their radio show has been this year as well. Howard said that Paul has given them a pair of tickets to go visit the AVN awards. They're going to give them away to a lucky fan who gets to go to that event and some other events as well.
Howard said he thought that Paul got into the business and he was just a guy who liked porn. Paul said he wasn't even into porn and just looked at it as a business opportunity. Paul told Howard that they're going to be bringing JD out there this year and hopefully help him get laid.
Howard asked the girls about what they might say if they win an award at the AVNs. One of the girls said she won't be thanking god or her mother like so many other girls do.
A phone caller told Howard to get these girls on the Sybian. Howard asked them if they would do it. Mia wouldn't do it because her clit doesn't work. Ava wasn't into it either so Howard and Paul told her that Jenna Jameson rode it and it was really sexy. Howard said that she got off in about 3 seconds. Gary told them that Cameron Diaz had done it too (she didn't). Howard asked the girls to get topless at least. They agreed to do that but didn't want to ride the Sybian. Howard said that the girls had nice bodies. Artie seemed to like their tits and let them know with a ''Nice tits!'' Gary came in and gave them a ''wow'' as well. He said that they were 19 year old tits. He also said that their publicist was there and he thought he might be able to talk them into riding the Sybian.
The girls' publicist came in and asked Ava to get on the Sybian. She really didn't want to do that but the guy kept trying to convince her to just do it.
Artie offered to pay Ava $1000 if she got on the thing. She still didn't want to do it. She asked what exactly this thing does so Gary showed her what it looked like. Ava didn't want to take off her jeans, she wanted to wear them. Howard and the guys started cheering her on. That must have worked because she finally agreed to do it.
Ava got on the machine and Gary started out slow. Howard had him bump up the power and she started to feel something. She said it was tickling so Gary gave it more power. Howard told him to keep going. She said she couldn't stay on it though. She said it tickles but didn't sound like she was getting off. She hopped off of the thing and said it was making her kind of itchy from the vibration. It wasn't working on her. She said it had failed. Mia refused to get on it because her clit doesn't work right.
Howard picked up a call from a guy and asked him if he wanted to go to the show. That guy said he'd love to go but his wife wouldn't. Howard took another call from a guy who said that they seem to be the most prudish porn stars ever. Paul said that their sex scenes are really good and he doesn't think that's the case. Howard offered that caller the prize so Howard gave it to him even though Paul didn't think it was the right man for the prize since he had bad mouthed the girls.
Doug Goodstein came in and told the girls that they weren't going to be on Howard TV today because they didn't come through with the Sybian ride. Howard wrapped up with them a short time later.
Howard said that someone else has written a song about Robin. He mentioned that and a new one from Bob Levy. He played the song but it was Yucko singing the song. That song was ''Artie's a Junkie'' to the tune of ''Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.'' Robin said that she'd like to hear that one because Yucko is pretty witty. They listened to that one and Artie said he likes the horn playing that Yucko does.
Howard played the new Robin song parody called ''Robin's Hair Pie Keeps Me Jerkin'' which was done by Richard Christy.
Howard had Steve Langford come in with his Howard 100 News preview. Steve was with Howard all last night at Letterman so they'll be covering him all day long today. Steve said they have team coverage of his Letterman appearance and everything that went down there.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the Letterman appearance went well but Dave always seems to have something negative to say to him. Howard thought they had a good time last night and didn't perceive any hostility. The caller thought Dave was digging at him about always having to pay for his show but Robin didn't think that was the case. Howard thought it was one big love fest in his opinion.
The caller also brought up Paul Shaffer and how odd he looked. Howard said he kissed the top of that guy's head an wondered what the hell he was doing. He just got caught up in whatever he was doing. He said it was just different and he will probably never do that again to anyone.
Ralph called in and said that Letterman couldn't have been any nicer last night. He said that Letterman did make a comment after Howard had left where he mentioned the Jeff the Drunk clip that they played and told Paul that he's drunk every night and it's free. He was joking around. That led to the caller and Ralph getting into an argument. The caller wanted to know what Ralph does to make money but Ralph didn't think that was any of his business. Howard let them go after that.
Steve Langford mentioned a few other stories that they'll be doing today. They have a story about a tattoo artist who is giving free fist logo tattoos.
Howard said he got a copy of a book (Top Secret Restaurant Recipes 2: More Amazing Clones of Famous Dishes from America's Favorite Restaurant Chains) and said that the author wrote in his Forward that he was tuned into Howard 100 when he was writing the book. Howard thought that was nice.
Howard moved on to Jon Hein and asked him what he had going on today. Jon said they'll be talking about George Takei missing out both times when he played the gay game earlier. They'll also talk about Howard's Letterman appearance. He also said they'll talk about the Rose sisters visit and how tough it was to get one of the girls on the Sybian.
Steve the Intern came in with his Intern Show preview. He said that they'll be talking about how they're not going to be doing the intern talent show this semester. Some of them are upset with Sal because he was producing the bit. Sal said that he postponed the bit because it was kind of weak. Then they eventually nixed the whole thing because Gary didn't want to do it. Gary blamed Sal but Sal was saying that Gary never told him if they were going to do it or not.
Howard let Sal and Gary go at each other for a short time and then kicked them out. Steve got back to his show preview and said that the interns are upset that they weren't invited to the SIRIUS Christmas party. Howard said that is a bit of a scandal and told Robin that he's going to the In Demand Christmas party on Thursday. She isn't going and said that he can go while she goes home. Howard said he's doing Conan and then going to the party. Robin said she might go with him to Conan so maybe she'll go to the party.
Howard said that SIRIUS is having a Christmas party and they sent out invitations to everyone there but then they sent out an e-mail where they said a mistake was made and none of the interns were invited. They were all uninvited and that was really bad form in his opinion. Robin said they deserve a party like that because they work there for free. Howard said that's really tacky to uninvite someone that way.
Howard tried to find the e-mail where they were told about the mistake but he wasn't able to find it. Gary told him he'd get it for him. Steve said that it's going to be a sour Intern Show tonight. Howard said they really should be invited to that party.
Howard got the e-mail from Gary and read what they sent out about the mistake. They said that they cannot invite the interns to the party and that had to have hurt all of them. Steve said that there are a lot of broken hearts out there. Howard said he could understand them not inviting the guy interns but not the hot chicks. Gary said that the e-mail was sent out a couple of days after the invitation was sent.
Artie noticed that Sal and Will were fighting out in the hall. Gary said that stuff goes on all the time out there in the halls. They always do it when Gary is trying to book a big guest for the show according to Gary. Howard asked George how he was doing this morning. George said they were putting on a great show and he was having a lot of fun.
George told Howard about meeting a guy at an airport one time and had a nice conversation with him. Once they were done the guy asked him for his autograph and told him he enjoyed watching him on ''Quincy'' so George singed his name Robert Ito since that's who the guy thought he was. George said Robert Ito said that he gets mistaken for him as well so they both go around signing autographs as each other.
Howard had Robin start her news a short time later but interrupted within a few seconds to read some e-mail. Howard read through some mail about a few things. Someone wrote in and pointed out that the news about Gilbert Gottfried getting married never did hit the news. That person also suggested that they talk to Gilbert weekly about that stuff.
A little while later he mentioned that Richard's father's dog died this year. He played the voice mail that his dad left the day it happened. That led to Richard coming in to talk about what his family is willing to eat, like road kill and stuff like that. Richard said that they won't eat it if they don't know how long it's been dead. He doesn't remember them ever picking up road kill unless they hit it themselves.
Howard took a call from a guy who thought Paul Shaffer looked awfully small standing next to Howard last night. Howard said that he's very tall and everyone is short next to him. Artie said that Paul is very short though so it was a combination of the two.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked what the chances are of getting Martha Stewart on the Robo Spanker tomorrow. Howard said he will ask her for this guy.
Howard played Kidd Chris' ''Sulu Dance'' song parody during the news. That led to them playing a bunch of other George Takei audio clips and bits. They played one clip where Sal and Richard did their Jack and Rod show with an author and had George Takei audio clips laughing over the guy's plugs. The guy would try to get out his plug but George would laugh over him until the guy hung up on them.
George said he's never heard himself laugh and he didn't know how ugly a sound it was. Robin requested a prank call that Sal and Richard did with some George Takei audio clips. It was a call where they called in an order to some restaurant and George kept clearing his throat and asked for some hot water and dry oatmeal and also said the F-word after his food request. They told the guy who answered the phone that the guy suffered from Tourette Syndrome.
George had forgotten that he said the word ''fuck'' on the show. Howard told him it was during a recording session, not actually on the show.
Howard took a call from Dr. Armstrong who said that she thought he looked hot in that Santa outfit on Letterman last night. Dr. Armstrong used to be the shrink that was on Howard 101. She said she actually played with herself while watching the show. She also brought up Joey Boots and said she hopes he's okay because she thinks he's still off the wagon. Howard told Dr. Armstrong he had to get going because Artie ran out of there like he had to leave. He figured he ran out to go to the bathroom since he's been eating so much today.
Artie came back in and said that he told his driver to pick him up at 11:30 so he had to run out and call him to let him know he was going to be late. He also said he had to take a piss. Howard ended the show around 11:40am.
Howard started off the show saying that he and Artie were talking about the future of satellite radio. He didn't get into more details. He went on to say that they have Martha Stewart coming in for an interview. He said they now have a wood chipper in the studio for chopping up bad Christmas gifts.
Howard had George Takei do an announcement but first he was telling Howard how great things have been for the past year since he joined the show. He said this is the last day of the year there for him so he wanted to honor Howard by singing him a song. George went into ''Thanks for the Memories'' with lyrics about the fun he's had there for the past 12 months. He thanked Artie and Robin for what they did for him. He also mentioned Sal and Richard, Fake Arnold, Howard and others.
Howard thanked George for the song and got to yesterday's Wrap Up Show because George's boyfriend Brad stopped by with George. Brad won't do Howard's show but Jon Hein was able to convince him to do that show. George said that he's a very private guy and very shy so he doesn't want to do Howard's show.
Howard played some audio of Brad's first appearance on Howard 100. Brad joked that he was there to announce that George was actually straight which got a laugh out of George. Howard said that George really seems to love when Brad makes a joke.
Brad talks about how big of a fan he is of Howard's show and how he'd listen to Howard's show in bed very early in the mornings and that may be one of the reasons that he held off on having sex with George until Sundays. Brad also said that he's kind of jealous of Artie for the amount of time he gets to spend with George.
Artie said that he and George have spent a lot of time together this year. They did the Shatner roast together and now he feels that he has a new show business friend. Howard played some more audio of Brad talking about his relationship with George. Howard congratulated George about the song he had performed earlier and then moved on to some other stuff.
Howard said he was told that this person who invented satellite wasn't clearly a man or a woman but Howard is pretty sure it was a man. Robin said there was no question in her mind that he was a man. Artie said that he met the guy and thought it was a dude and he didn't get the feeling it was a chick. George Takei said he was told he was a transsexual.
Gary said that Tim was the one who brought it up first and some of the other guys thought that he had breasts. Gary said he was wearing a loose fitting shirt and it wasn't clear if there were breasts or not. Artie said he addressed him as a man. Howard said the guy had long hair but that's about it. He said he had facial hair and all.
Gary said that there are some people out in the offices who think that the guy may have been a woman. Howard said Gary and Tim were working on him in this meeting telling him this stuff and had him kind of confused. Then he met the guy and he seemed to be pretty normal to him.
A woman called in and told Howard that the person, Martine Rothblatt, is a Post-Op transsexual. Howard said he didn't know, he looked like a guy to him. The woman told Howard how she knew of this person and it sounded legitimate. They also found some stuff on Wikipedia about her.
Gary told Howard how Tim had come to him and explained what was going on but they were kind of up in the air about the whole thing so they weren't sure what to call the person, man or woman. George said that this person invented radio when he was a man and has since changed.
Howard said he was talking to this guy telling him that without him, he never would have gotten to where he is. He said he thinks that this is the future of radio and he knows that it's going to happen. Then the guy was talking about how way over his head this guy is with the things he was thinking. Martine told him about how he came up with the whole idea but he didn't even understand it entirely.
Howard said that Martine is now inventing designer drugs for specific body types. He said that's the kind of stuff Eddie Van Halen was talking about when he called in. The guys said that now that they've revealed this stuff, maybe Scott DePace won't be able to work for satellite since he's so against stuff like that.
Howard said that Martine started SIRIUS Satellite Radio with some other people and he wanted to ask him why he named it SIRIUS. He said that it's a tough name to figure out sometimes and even people who are in the business don't know how to pronounce the name.
Howard went on to read some notes about Martine. He said that Tim was telling Martine that it was like he had invented the airplane and Howard was flying it. Artie said he loves when business guys use metaphors like that to describe stuff. Tim does that kind of stuff so they were goofing on him about that.
Howard said that Martine was looking at him like he was taking his invention and making the public aware of it. He said he really wants to have the guy on the show to talk about the struggle he had to go through to get something like that up and running. Robin said it would mean a lot to her to meet the person who invented this medium that they work on.
Robin said that she has heard about this Martine person before but she didn't know about all of this sex change stuff.
Howard said that when he was at Letterman the other night, after he was done with his segment, he was ushered back stage to his dressing room. He said Gwen's whole group was in the hall. The elevator opened up back there and this big black guy stepped out and asked him to move to the side. He kind of directed him to the side as Gwen was coming out of the elevator. He said now that he thinks about it, he thinks that she was an asshole. The bodyguard was pushing him to the side. He said that's just not cool. The guy knew who he was and shouldn't be pushing him to the side when he's at some place he doesn't work at.
Howard said that these people get people who work around them and they act that way and it's not cool. It was really weird for him and you just don't tell him to move to the side like that. He said that it was like a pissing contest between him and Gwen's bodyguard. He said a lot of celebrities have these bodyguards to places like that but he doesn't do that. He said it's a really fun place to go to and he doesn't feel that anyone is going to accost him backstage.
Howard said it dawned on him last night that it was Gwen's guy who pushed him to the side, it wasn't one of Letterman's people. He also missed the elevator because of that whole incident.
Howard said that they have a guy working there who used to work for Martha Stewart and he said that he was told not to look directly at her when he worked there. Robin told a story about going to some place that Martha would go to and they apparently had some issues with her security team. Howard said that when he goes out shopping or something, without a security guy, he gets tons of people asking for autographs and stuff. He said that he kind of gets that some people need security when they go to certain places.
Cabbie said he thinks it's kind of bizarre that they want subscribers but won't put out a press release saying that he's on one of the channels.
The guys talked about how great Jackie's publicist was at attracting news stories about where he was going to be appearing. Artie said that he and Bob Levy used to do this place down in Florida that used to be called ''Boca Nuts'' and it's now New York Comedy Club. Jackie played the place down there and it got a lot of press even though he's not on the show anymore.
Artie said that he's going to be doing this comedy show for Cabbie and Cabbie keeps asking him to do other stuff for him. It's a fund raiser for the guy and now he's not sure what to do because Cabbie wants to buy him and Bob Levy dinner the night before. That doesn't make sense because they're doing this whole fund raiser benefit for him.
Cabbie said he's just trying to be nice because they're helping him out so much. He also mentioned that he's going to be running an Indy car this season. Robin said that's kind of crazy that he's doing a fund raiser but he's also going to be involved with a race car team.
Howard said that Cabbie has been sending him e-mails lately and he's not sure what to do for the guy. Cabbie said he just wanted some advice. Artie told Cabbie to get Jackie's publicist if he wants to get the word out about his radio show.
Howard said that as far as he's concerned, Cabbie doesn't have any problems. Cabbie said it's not costing SIRIUS any money to send out some love for him. He had some listeners out in Minnesota so maybe they'd subscribe to hear his show. Howard said he agrees with Cabbie and he would like them to put the word out about satellite radio. Cabbie said he hopes to be on the channel more in the future and maybe that will happen.
Howard made the mistake of asking Cabbie which Christmas card he got when Cabbie said he had gotten one. Howard said they sent out two different cards this year and Cabbie didn't get the one of him and Beth. He said he got one that wouldn't enrage him. He was afraid that Cabbie would go nuts if he started obsessing on the picture of Beth and him on the card. Howard said he told Laura to send Cabbie the ''generic'' card.
Cabbie said that he got a card from Howard when he was in prison and he was amazed when it actually got through. Artie said he was in a psych ward at one point in his life and some guy had written stuff all over the stainless steel asking why Kim Basinger wasn't his girlfriend. He thought that was kind of funny.
Artie said he was warned that there was a guy who was totally harmless who might walk into his room and he shouldn't get too upset. He said that night the guy came in and it was the best conversation he had while he was in L.A. Artie said he could see someone going crazy from seeing that picture of Howard and Beth. There are some people like that out there.
Howard started talking to Cabbie as if he was ''Beth in the card'' and telling Cabbie that he had to get Howard out of the way so they could be together. He was also doing his Cabbie impression as if Cabbie had gone nuts after getting that Christmas card. Howard had Artie laughing at the impression and then doing his Cabbie impression as well.
Cabbie said that he did his prison time with Beth because she was in like every FHM magazine. Howard said that the magazine just folded up. Beth was working for them and writing a column. Gary came in and told Howard that they had to get going because they were on a tight schedule today. Howard let Cabbie go after that. He said that cabbie is a great guy to have working there because he's always mad at someone. Cabbie didn't want him saying that because their boss, Scott Greenstein, might not like to hear stuff like that.
Artie told Alice that he wanted to congratulate her on her Best Actor nomination... He was referring to Forrest Whitaker. That led to Alice yelling at him and telling him that she hopes that his mother dies. Howard wanted to stop the arguing right away so they wouldn't have to listen to too much of it. He didn't hang up though, he let Alice yell at Artie for a couple of minutes. She wanted to ask him a question so Howard asked her to just ask it. She said that she wanted to let bygones be bygones already. She said that she wants him to let it go. Artie said he's willing to do that. Howard let her go so they could stop the arguing.
Big Foot Mark was on the phone to give his pick next. Howard asked him what his pick was going to be this week. Mark then gave his pick of the Chicago Bears. Big Foot also told Howard that he got a speeding ticket up there where he's at and the cop dropped it like it had never taken place. The guy wished him a Merry Christmas and let it go. Howard said he feels very safe now. He let Big Foot go and got Elliot on the line.
Elegant Elliot Offen went right into his plugs as soon as he got on the air. He was talking about the big sale he had going until 2pm today for his merchandise. Howard asked him to give his pick after that. He told Elliot that he's 5-9 as of this week and he really needs another win to move back up in the pool.
Elliot said that he and Alice cut a deal so they'll split the winnings if either of them win. Fred said that he's hoping she gets out of the deal. That led to Fred and Elliot arguing a little bit. Elliot was threatening to meet Fred on the sidewalk outside so he could beat the crap out of him.
Elliot said that he wants to do a live appearance on the show and it will be the best appearance ever. He said he would be telling a story about why he pulled out a gun in broad daylight many years ago. He then moved on to his pick and went with the Texans. He told Fred to watch out for him because he will be out there waiting for him. Howard said that Elliot has no idea that Fred is even crazier than he is.
Fred said he feels bad for Alice because she's a nice person and Elliot is a big scam artist so he's afraid that she's going to get screwed out of money. Howard said that the winner of the pool is going to win $25,000 courtesy of BetUS.net. Artie quickly gave his pick of the Raiders. Howard went to break after that.
Howard said that Pam Anderson wants to call in and talk about her quick marriage and divorce from Kid Rock. He said she's already left him a message about that.
Howard had Eric the Midget on the phone and asked him if they could call him back a little later to do his acting debut. Eric said that was fine. Eric said that he had made his real acting debut on American Dreams. Howard told him it was his debut on this show.
Howard said it should be an exciting moment for Eric because he's going to be working with George Takei who will be in ''Heroes.'' George said he'll put in a good word for him if he's impressed with his work. Howard let him go and took some other phone calls.
Howard took a call but got sidetracked when he mentioned that he'll be on Conan O'Brien's show tonight. He's not sure what he wants to talk about with Conan. He said he hates doing that stuff because he can't remember what he wants to talk about. He said he may talk about some of the stuff he mentioned yesterday but he can't even remember what that was.
Robin mentioned that Conan is going to be taking over the Tonight Show in a couple of years but Howard doesn't believe that's going to happen. He thinks Jay will change his mind when the time comes and won't let Conan take over. Howard read that Howard TV had sent over a bunch of clips to Conan's people so they could play them tonight. He wanted to know what they were but Gary had no idea.
Howard goofed on Gary for coming in with that big news and not having any details. That led to Fred playing a couple of Baba Booey song parodies. Doug came in and said that they sent over some clips like Shocking the balls, Richard Christy getting waxed, Assketball from the other day and Rappin Granny on the Sybian and also High Pitch Eric's yule log video. They're sending clips to Jimmy Kimmel's show as well.
Howard said Jimmy is really excited about him doing the show but he thinks it's going to be tough because they're going to be doing it via satellite. He said Jimmy thinks that he's going to be doing bits for his show and stuff like that. Doug said that he spoke to Jimmy's people and they're working on some special stuff for him. He didn't want to ruin it if it was a surprise though.
Howard said he has a feeling that it might not go well if he does this satellite thing with Jimmy. Artie said it really would be cool if he could fly out there to do the show because the fans are great out there. Howard said that maybe he should just talk about what he did on Letterman and Conan's shows since this will be the third show of the week.
Howard said that he might just play clips from Letterman's show and show some of the highlights on Kimmel. That led to him talking about how they may not be able to get the rights to that appearance to show on ABC. Howard said they could YouTube the clips and just steal them. Then he said that they've fired off a legal letter to that company telling them to remove his copyrighted material.
Howard asked what this girl looks like. The guy said that she actually looks kind of like Beth. The guy, Benny, said he's black but the 18 year old is white and very much like Beth. Howard told him to go for it then. Benny said he's living with her now and he did wait until she was 18 before he started banging her. He had gotten into an argument with his wife at the time and one thing led to another.
Artie said that this behavior is the scummiest and it's not cool. Benny claimed that he got together with his wife when her daughter was about 13 and things may have gone through his head when she was young but he didn't act on it. Benny said that his wife has become a bit of a ''Pot Bellied Pig'' so the daughter is much better. He said that he has to quit smoking to keep up with this young girl.
Howard took some calls and one guy said that this is really wrong and he should be arrested or something. Artie told the guy to set himself up for when he's 67 years old and have this 18 year old adopt a little girl that he can have in 20 years. Robin said that this guy might not be blood but he was acting as her father for a few years so it's really wrong.
Another caller told Benny that if he did this to his daughter, he'd kill him. He said that he's a pervert and he should be looking for someone his own age. Howard took some other calls and some people thought he sounded kind of scummy for doing what he's doing. Howard said that he is kind of like Woody Allen and he ruined things for Mia Farrow and her daughter when he started dating her.
Benny said that he doesn't look like Woody Allen and doesn't even look 47. He used that as an excuse but no one was going for that. The guy asked Howard what he thinks about this. Howard told him that he really shouldn't ruin the relationship between a mother and her daughter. That's what it seems like he's doing here. The guy doesn't think that's the case and her mother would let her come back if things don't work out.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that Benny is like a big herpe on this world. Artie asked Benny if he gets more turned on thinking that this girl is his step-child. The guy said that might be the case. Howard asked him to send him some pictures of the girl as he was letting him go. He had to go to break after that.
Howard had an audio clip from The Today Show where a reporter says ''Anals'' instead of using the right word Annals during her report. He quickly played that and then took a call from a guy who asked him if he thinks that Martha is a little cunty. Howard said he's never had a problem with her but he knows a guy who worked for her TV show and they weren't allowed to look her in the eyes.
Robin said that she's heard that she's actually very sweet. Howard said that Bob Morton from the Letterman show dated her years ago and he once told him that she was a party. The caller said that he tuned in to hear Howard's show on Howard 101 last weekend and they did a 38 minute commercial run that day. Howard said there's no way that could have happened unless it was a computer glitch. Howard said they don't even have 38 minutes of commercials to play.
Howard said they have to open some Christmas gifts later. He got one from Robin that he hasn't opened yet. He also said that they have a wood chipper in there and they'll throw any bad gifts right in there if they don't like them.
Howard said maybe that caller heard Jackie doing his plugs during his show and that's what the 38 minutes of commercials actually was. Fred went into his Jackie impression for a short time and goofed on Jackie a little bit.
Howard said he and Beth watched the season finale of The Biggest Loser and Beth said it was like their version of the Super Bowl when they watch the finale of a show like that. That led to Howard talking about the winner on the show who went from like 400 pounds down to about 90.
George Takei said that they should do that on the show and they have a very good candidate right there. He was talking about Artie. He said that Artie was working on gaining weight today by eating pancakes. Artie had poured a couple of containers of syrup on them so it was drenched in the stuff. Artie said he put 3.5 containers worth of syrup on them.
Howard got back to The Biggest Loser and how the host of the show, Caroline Rae, seems to have absorbed all of the weight that the people lost. He said he met Caroline the other day and he told her how much he likes the show but she really has to calm down. He said that the winner started to get emotional but Caroline wouldn't shut up. He said that she just has to learn to shut up. He played an audio clip from the show and she was yelling at the winner to come over to her while he was hugging his trainer which ruined the moment.
Howard said the camera work was horrible on the finale. He said they missed all of the big moments on the show and then Caroline was screaming about how he had won.
Howard said he was still waiting for Martha to come in, he wasn't sure what the problem was. He also said he heard that Gary had a big grey nose hair hanging out of his nose. Robin said she saw it earlier in the morning. Howard said that maybe he should give Gary a nose hair trimmer since that's what he seems to get him every year for Christmas.
Siobhan the Transsexual called in to thank him for mentioning his name on Letterman the other night. She also wanted to tell Howard what to refer to a transsexual as when talking about them. She said they should always refer to her as ''she'' or ''her.'' Siobhan was asking Robin about getting a job with her since her assistant had left. Robin said she is looking for someone who knows what they're doing. She said she can't hire Siobhan to do that job because she's not qualified. Siobhan said that she was a personal assistant at one time but Robin said that's not what the position is.
Gary said that they probably won't be able to use it for TV, that would be the biggest problem they'd have. Howard told him to just bring her in.
Martha came in a short time later so George said hello to her. She brought Howard a present which was one of her organizing books. Howard said she looks good but then told her that she's difficult. He's heard that she's the nicest person on the planet but there's another guy who said that he worked on her TV show and wasn't able to look her in the eye. Gary said that guy doesn't work for them anymore.
Martha said that there is no hierarchy in her organization so if there's a spoil on the floor, she's the first person to go clean it up. Martha told Howard about her modeling work that she did back when she was in high school.
Howard told Martha about how in love Bob Morton seemed to be with her when they were dating. She said she didn't know he was in love with her. She said he's doing very well now. Howard read that Martha was dating some Microsoft guy but she said he's a retired ''Microsoftie.''
Howard said he thought she wanted to date him at one point. She said that was the case but then she met him. Howard quickly changed subjects and said that Martha was on Barbara Walter's show the other day admitting to using a vibrator. Howard said that was very cool and asked her how long she's been using it. She said she's been using it for a long time and it's great. Robin said that this thing she uses is huge. Martha said that the $1,200 version of it has a lot of different sized heads on it. She claims she doesn't know if she could use it to pleasure herself but Howard said that's the only thing they use it for.
Howard said he's tried using it during love making but he figures that he's plenty for Beth. Artie said that Dana used to work him into making love with her vibrator sometimes.
Howard got back to Martha's boyfriend and asked about how rich he is. She said that he created Word and Excel so he's got a lot of money from that. Howard said he read one unauthorized book about Martha that said she could will herself to orgasm. She said that's how false those books are because that's not true.
Martha said that she doesn't have many friends now because the lawsuit took care of all of that. She said her friends abandoned her after that all went down. Howard told Martha that he thinks that she should have gotten out of doing jail time if she had just taken a plea. She said that a plea doesn't mean that she could have gotten out of the jail time.
Howard asked Martha if she's had any nightmares about going to jail. She said she never did have any. Howard asked her about the people who abandoned her and Martha told him that she was just kidding about that and they really didn't abandon her at all. There were some people who she stopped talking to because of the way they treated her but she really didn't want to talk about them. The whole thing is over for her and she doesn't want to talk about that stuff.
Martha told Howard that she had a dream about one of the young ladies in jail that she met and she's legally not allowed to fraternize with any criminals. Artie told her that he's a convicted felon so she might want to tell her probation officer about that. She said she will actually have to do that today after the show.
Howard asked Martha about being under house arrest. She said that was horrible because she was stuck inside the house and wasn't able to go more than 10 feet from the house. She wasn't able to go see her horse because of that. Artie gave her a hard time about that comment. He said that was too bad, she couldn't go visit her horse.
Howard said that the girls in prison must have wanted to make her their girlfriend when she went in there. Martha said that was the case and she was able to find a group of women in there who were intelligent and could have good conversations. She said that there were a lot of women in on conspiracy convictions.
Gary came in and said he heard that Martha's daughter had admitted to having an abortion on the air. Martha said she heard about that off the air and it happened a long time. She kind of went off on Gary since he was the one trying to negotiate the release earlier. She said she can't sign stuff like that because they want the rights to her image and could theoretically take her picture, put it on a t-shirt and sell it at Target. She said she can't legally let that happen because she's under contract with K-Mart.
Howard asked Martha about her jail cell and the girl she as locked up with. Martha said that her cell mate wasn't that hot and there were a lot of women there who looked like guys and would ask her out to lunch and stuff. She told Howard about how she never got into any fights but she did injure her elbow one time when she fell down and the guards thought that maybe she had gotten into a fight. She said she wouldn't have told anyone if she had gotten into a fight because she knows that you can't rat on someone.
Martha said that there was one girl who looked like Nicole Kidman so she would call her Nicole which she kind of liked. Howard asked Martha if she ever pleasured herself while she was in jail. She said 5 months is a short time so she didn't need to do that. Howard said he would have to do it a lot in 5 months.
Martha said that she had a man the day after she got out of jail. She said that her boyfriend picked her up, brought her home and he jumped her. Howard asked if it was powerful. She said it was fine but didn't seem to want to get into too many details.
Howard asked if Martha has an open relationship. She said she can't talk about that on the air. Howard wanted to know if he could date her and get away with it with her boyfriend. She wasn't saying but she did say she wishes that she would like it if more men asked her out.
Howard read that Martha dated Mayor Bloomberg and Sir Anthony Hopkins. Martha said that she probably would have had a better relationship if she could have gotten past the whole Hannibal Lechter character he played. She just wasn't able to get past that.
Howard said he asked Martha's daughter about how she and her mother had dated the same guy. Martha said that never happened. She said she wasn't dating this guy that he was talking about. The rumor was started by the newspapers.
Howard read that Martha hates men because her father abused her. She said that's not true either. She said she loves men and her father wasn't physically abusive. She said she loved her father. Howard also brought up how Martha's daughter hates her father. Martha said that the divorce was kind of messy and it was a real shame because she loved that guy so much. She said that he was a cheat and they had to break it off.
Gary came in again and said that he read that Martha's husband had left her for her assistant. Martha said that was true and this assistant was living in their barn and her husband was always down at the barn so that's why things went wrong. She hasn't seen either of them for years. She said she's not even sure if they're still together.
Howard asked Martha about Donald Trump bad mouthing her. She said she has no bad feelings for him but she probably wouldn't say hello to him at a party if they were both there. She would just turn her back on him. She thinks that he went a little over the line with the comments he made about her.
Howard asked Martha how her company is doing. She said it's doing very well and she's hoping to be worth over a billion again some day because men seem to like that. Howard asked her if she's had any plastic surgery. She says she never has. She complained that her boobs have actually gotten bigger over the years and she hates that. Howard said he likes it
Martha was telling Howard about how she changed her name to Stewart from Kostyra since she probably never would have been able to have a successful company with that name. Howard said he read that some of Martha's people went over to the Rachel Ray show to spy on it. She said they weren't sent there as spies, they just went there to see her show. Martha said she thinks that Rachel can't cook like she does so she's not worried about anything like that.
Howard had Artie telling Martha about all of his legal issues in the past. After hearing some of the stuff he had done, Martha asked Howard to have him stop talking to her. She seemed to be kidding about that. Gary came in a short time later and said that Martha had to get going because she had to go shoot her TV show. Martha said she has Jeremy Irons on her show today.
Howard gave Martha a plug for her book ''Martha Stewart's Homekeeping Handbook: The Essential Guide to Caring for Everything in Your Home'' and also said that it's her first anniversary of being on SIRIUS. Howard said he likes to see Martha out there promoting the service and he really appreciates that.
George Takei said that he was very impressed by her interview today and from now on he will not sign a release thanks to her. Howard was trying to wrap up with Martha. He said he's going to use that handbook she's got out now so he thanked her for the copy she gave him. Howard gave her another plug for that and thanked her again for coming in.
As Martha was getting ready to leave Howard told her not to wear panties next time she comes in. She said that she wasn't wearing any today but didn't stick around much longer to talk about that since she was in such a rush to get out of there.
Pam said that they had a couple of wedding ceremonies for this marriage and it was for the family. Howard said that when she called him asking him to come to her wedding, he honestly had no idea who she was possibly marrying. He didn't know that she was going out with Kid Rock again.
Howard asked Pam if she's gotten back together with Tommy Lee. She said she hasn't been with him for a long time now and she has no desire to do that. She said he's off tour now and he's going to be spending time with his kids again. Howard asked Pam why she decided to get married to Kid Rock. She said that they both knew each other already and they both figured that they could have a nice family. They just couldn't make it happen. She said that she was pregnant for a little while as well.
Pam said that Hef was supposed to be on the phone with her this morning but he apparently couldn't get up to help promote this Playboy thing.
Howard asked Pam if it was true that Kid Rock got pissed about her being in the Borat movie. She said he wasn't happy about that but she's really not sure why he was so upset when he saw the movie. She said he knew about the movie and what she did before he saw it. Pam said that Kid called her a jackass or something like that after he saw it. She said that she's still upset about the whole thing and it was disappointing for both of them that it didn't work out.
Howard said he heard from a friend of his that Pam shows up to school to drop off her kids while wearing tiny hot pants. Pam said that's not true. She said that all of the mothers wear shorts, it's Los Angeles. Howard said that maybe she should start dressing more like a mom when she goes to school to drop the kids off.
Howard said that Kid Rock got pissed when Pam made comments about him so he went out and said that she was out partying all the time instead of taking care of her kids. Howard asked how old Kid's son is. She said he was 13 so Howard figured that kid must have been thrilled to have Pam Anderson as a mom. Pam said that wasn't the case. Howard didn't believe it and said he was so sexed up at that age.
Howard asked Pam what she wears around the house. She didn't want to get into that stuff because her kids were up. He asked her if Pam lets Tommy see the kids. She said she lets him see them but he doesn't really call them that much.
Pam said that she really wants to meet a nice guy. Howard said that would be him. Artie gave a few ''Ahem's'' trying to get their attention. Howard said he just got Pam's Playboy and he jerked off to it as soon as he got it. Pam said she forgot that he's really sweet to her when he's off the air, not so much on the air.
Howard said that Pam's body is really rockin and he was showing Beth her pictures last night. He does that to let her know she has to stay in shape for him or he'll run off with Pam. Howard said that Pam is in the magazine with her legs up in the air and showing a little vag. He said that he thinks that her boobs are a little too big when they're covered up but when they're out, they look perfect.
Howard told Pam that she's a very sweet girl but she may be a little misguided. She doesn't have to date rock stars and guys like that. She needs a nice, sweet man... Someone like Clay Aiken. He asked her if she would ever date Artie. She said ''Uhmmm, no.'' Artie said that he's about 40 sit-ups away from dating her. Howard told Pam he loves her and she told her that she loves him as well. She wouldn't repeat it because her son Brandon was right there. Howard told her to tell the kid to call him Daddy. She wouldn't do that. Howard let her go a short time later and said goodbye to his sweet angel.
George Takei was saying that he'd be interested in dating Tommy Lee but he would have to have him remove all of those tattoos. That led to Artie and Howard doing their impressions of George. George said he should listen to Artie more so he could do an impression of him. He tried that out for a few seconds and coughed and wheezed which actually kind of sounded like him.
Sal came in and told Howard he worked very hard on this gift. Howard wanted him to get out of there while he's opening the gifts. Gary said he knew the story and remembered Howard mentioning a magazine that he'd mentioned back in 1996. It was an old MAD magazine. Howard saw it and said he already had a copy of it. He was ready to throw it in the shredder. Sal came in upset that he spent so much on the frame and Howard was smashing it. Howard threw it in the shredder but it wasn't working right. Howard said he broke the wood chipper with the magazine.
The shredder didn't work so Gary took it and just ripped it up instead. Sal said he went to Pittsburgh to buy that magazine and it cost him $208 to have it framed. Howard smashed the frame so even that was ruined. Sal said he asked Laura if he had a copy and she told him that he didn't. It turns out that Howard had switched the magazine and didn't smash the frame or the magazine.
Howard told Isaac that they should have tested the shredder before bringing it in. He thought it was working but when they tested it, nothing happened. Gary showed Howard the gifts he got for him and showed him the old stuff he got him for his office. He got him a Webster's Dictionary from 1911 that might look good on his desk or something. Robin said she likes old books like that but Howard didn't know what he was going to do with something like that.
Artie asked them to look up the N-word in the old dictionary. Gary looked it up and found the definition that read something like ''Of or pertaining to Negros.''
Gary opened up Dan the Song Parody Man's gift to Howard. They were running shoes in size 14 and a gift certificate. Artie gave Howard a gift certificate to Barney's for $2,000. Howard told him to give that back to Artie but Artie didn't want it back, he had a very good year and he owed it all to Howard. Howard said he shouldn't be giving him money like that and asked him what the fuck is wrong with him.
Howard said a gift certificate is like giving someone money but Artie said it's really not and it's for a great store. Gary moved on to the next gift which was from Scott DePace. He got him a bottle of wine and a book about chess. Howard thanked him for that. Will gave him some notebooks. Howard said he uses those things for writing down the gifts that people give him every year.
Jon Hein gave Howard a couple of Chess related things. A book and some software. Benjy got Howard a big box that was brought in on a wagon. It was for both Howard and Beth. It turned out to be a little black kid wrapped up in a box. The kid was a 3 year old. The kid told Howard that he was a surprise for him. Benjy had him trained to say he wanted him to be his daddy. Howard said he'd be proud to be his daddy.
The kid told Howard that he's cuter than Maddox (Brad and Angelina's kid). Artie said the kid was cute but someone asked if they were going to put that gift in the wood chipper. Howard asked him if he knew how to use the potty. The kid said he does know how to use his own. The kid said he doesn't pee in his own pants. Gary told Howard to put him in the shredder.
Benjy asked the kid who Howard would be better than if he was his father. The kid thought for a few seconds and then said ''Oprah.'' Howard thanked Benjy for that gift and Robin told him that was a great gift. She wondered if there was anything he had to sign to take him home.
Howard said Jason got Howard a gift of a book that they didn't think made much sense. They decided to chip that one up but the chipper still wasn't working. Gary said that the Interns all bought him Jackie's JokeMaster Jr. Howard told him to smash that so that's what he did.
Doug Goodstein got him a pair of sneakers and Howard told him to throw them in the chipper. Robin's gift was up next. She said she had trouble finding something for him. Gary opened it up and it was a couple of crystal chess pieces. Robin said it was a king and a queen. Artie wanted to hold it but Howard didn't want his hands on it. Howard thanked Robin and said she always gets the best gifts. She said it cost her more than Artie's gift.
Howard said that was fun but the chipper not working kind of ruined the bit. Richard came in and asked where his gift was because it was a good one. Gary told him to go try and find it because he wasn't sure where it was. Gary asked Richard to help him find it and they'd open it. Fred said that he's giving Howard a bottle of wine and a gift certificate to a restaurant.
Artie opened up a gift that he got from Robin which was a travel watch. He thought that was really cool but Howard didn't think he was going to use it. Artie insisted that he was going to use it and he will bring it with him when he goes on the road. Robin said they can test him and find out if he ever does use it. Fred thinks that he'd never be able to set the timer on it so that's how they could test him. Howard thinks that someone in Nutley will be enjoying that gift when Artie gives it to someone in his family.
Howard took a call from Double A who said that the interview with Martha Stewart was really good. He didn't think she was going to be that good but it turned out to be great.
The guys got the wood chipper working, it turns out they had the stuff in the wrong end. They threw Jason's book in the chipper and chopped it right up. Howard said that they should have practiced it before trying to do the bit on the air. Mike Gange said that they did chip some stuff in it and it worked fine. They used wood and not books so they weren't sure that would work. Howard went off on him and asked him if he has no respect for the show at all. Gange said he really hates the show.
Fred said that Robin got him a bottle of 30 year old Scotch and it was a very nice gift. Howard was still going off on Gange during that discussion. Ralph called in a short time later and said that Howard should put Gange in the chipper because he was laughing like this was a big joke. Howard spent a couple more minutes goofing on Gange before kicking him out and moving on to Mike Walker.
Howard moved on to Jon Hein next. Jon gave Howard a quick rundown of the subjects they'll be covering on the Wrap Up Show today. Jon mentioned Martha Stewart's appearance and also the gifts that they opened today. They'll talk about how the chipper didn't work and find out who is responsible for that.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that Martha was just talking about him and said some nice things about him on her TV show. Mariann wished everyone a Merry Christmas and said she can't wait for this second chapter to start next year.
Howard played some audio of Martha talking about her appearance on Howard's radio show and how Gary is like this henchman who works on the show. She said that he was trying to get her to sign this release but she refused to sign it and they still let her on the show. She said she was happy that he wasn't ''too mean'' to her. Howard seemed to be okay with those comments.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's got one of the new Stiletto's and he really likes it. He told Howard how great it has been so Howard got in some plugs for it as well. He said they would make great gifts this Christmas.
Robin started her news by talking about the death of Peter Boyle. That led to Artie telling a story about working on the same lot that they shot ''Everybody Loves Raymond'' on. He and Norm went over to say hello to Peter when they saw him and the guy asked them if they wanted to get high with him. Artie said he didn't want to do it at the time but then thought about it and went over and told him he'd get high with him. He smoked a little weed with the guy and it was some amazing shit. He said it was a very surreal experience. Howard said he heard that Boyle was a big pot head. They all thought the guy was a great actor.
The guys were talking about how Peter Boyle had turned down a role in the movie ''The French Connection'' and how it always bothered him that he didn't take it. That led to Artie talking about how he turned down a role on a sitcom that's coming out soon. It's a sitcom where they try to kidnap Mick Jagger. Howard said that he was offered the lead in that show, where he would have been the Mick Jagger role. He said he didn't want to give anyone any weird ideas though so he turned it down.
Howard played another clip from Martha Stewart's TV show where she says that she would much rather spend her time talking to her guest than with Howard Stern. Howard said he thinks that he could still get her if he tried, even if she does make comments like that. Howard took some calls after that and one guy said that he thought the Martha Stewart interview was great.
At one point Artie said that the worst drug experience he ever had was with pot. Robin thought that was kind of odd after everything he went through with his heroin addiction. Howard said he knew what he was talking about and how paranoid you can get by smoking weed. Robin thought they were both nuts.
Howard mentioned that they have a Howard TV Holiday Special coming up next week. He gave some details on that and said that High Pitch Eric's Yule Log special will be up around the same time.
Gary came in during the news and told Howard that Richard was crying out in the office because he didn't get his gift shown on the air. Howard said he didn't have time to do it now anyway. Richard came in a short time later and said he told Gary not to even go in there, he didn't want it brought up. Howard told both of them to get out of there and had Robin finish her news.
Howard asked Eric if he was ready to do this. Eric sounded pained and said he really didn't want to do this shit. Howard said he wouldn't do it then. Eric said he would do it but Howard was going to hang up on him. Eric said he would do it but Howard thought it was trying to do it as a favor to him and he didn't want that.
George Takei said he studied last night and prepared for this whole thing. Eric didn't bother. George told him he's got to be prepared when he acts. Howard had to tell Eric to shut his radio off so it took a few seconds for that to happen.
Howard started the bit and did the intro for this special edition of ''Heroes.'' Howard introduced Eric as Eric the Midget so Eric corrected him calling him a big nosed asshole saying that he was Eric the Actor. George read his lines and said he felt doom in the air. Then Eric comes in the room and introduces himself as Teensy the Terrible. George was playing the part of Wang... Eric demanded that they get him back stage at American Idol or else he'll blow everyone up with his nuclear powered wheelchair.
Eric changed a line in the script when he refused to read a line about Kelly Clarkson being naked. Howard and Robin went off on him about that for a few seconds. Eric said that he was able to do American Dreams without reading the script and he did it in one take. Robin told him that they didn't invite him back though.
Howard just gave up on the whole thing and wished Eric Happy Holidays. Artie told Eric that he had just earned the name ''Eric the Insanely Untalented Actor.'' Howard ended the show a short time later, around 11:00am.
Howard started off the show asking Robin if she wanted them to do 'As the Barbecue Turns'' She said that would be good but Howard had to take a break first.
After the break Howard said that Stuttering John was out interviewing Paul McCartney. He said they'd be playing that stuff later in the show. He moved on to their third edition of their soap opera ''As The Barbecue Turns.'' He played the audio where they had Janie the Cleaning Lady, Ted the Janitor and Billy West acting out a scene where Billy was playing the part of Mayor Dinkins.
After the bit Robin was telling Howard about one of her favorite parts in the bit. She didn't know what Billy was saying at that point so Howard told her that he was referring to Mike and Ike candy. She thought he was making up a word.
Howard took some phone calls and asked the fans what they thought about the bit. The couple of fans that got through seemed to like it. He sadi he had to take a break a short time later but ended up talking about Chuck Wollery and how he used to use the sign off ''We'll be back in 2 and 2'' when he'd go to commercial break. Howard said he thinks the guy did that just to show off that big Rolex he wore.
Howard brought up this guy John Gambling who started up a show there that he eventually handed over to his son. He said he was watching MTV the night before and saw that Jason Bonham, the son of the drummer from Led Zeppelin, has his own song out now and it sounds kind of Led Zeppelin like. He thought it was kind of cool so he wanted to play it for Robin. He said the kid kind of pulled it off by taking over his father's business, kind of like the Gambling kid did.
Howard played the song for Robin and said it sounds kind of like a Zeppelin tribute band but people seem to like what he's doing. Robin seemed to like the song and said she had probably heard it but just assumed that it was a Led Zeppelin song. Howard read some notes about Jason Bonham and ended up getting back on the subject of MTV a short time later.
Howard was goofing on some of the former MTV VJs who have gone on to do nothing with their careers. Gary came in and told Howard that he had a guy on the phone who could burp really rapidly. Howard said he'd get to him after taking a break.
Howard told Gary to get Leona Helmsley (Billy West) on the phone so he could talk to her. He and Robin talked about her for a short time since she was in the news after getting sentenced to some jail time. Howard and Robin brought up some details about Leona and her husband and talked about the stuff they had read about in the news.
Howard talked about Cindy Adams backing Leona Helmsley in her court battle. She writes positive stuff about her in her column. Howard said they had Leona (Billy West) on the phone so he went to her but Billy was in his own voice so Howard hung up on him and told Gary to get Leona on again.
Leona was crying when Howard picked up the phone. Howard thought he was laughing but Billy put no his Leona voice and said that she was crying. Howard questioned ''Leona'' about her court case and tried to find out what that was like for her. Leona continued to cry and told Howard that Barbara Walters was there for her and so was Cindy Adams. She called Cindy a fat pig and said that she was just trying to get to her.
Robin asked Leona what she thinks it's going to be like in jail. Howard also asked her how things are going at home with her husband Harry. She was telling them how things will go in jail and how she's not going to bother taking a shower for the whole four years she's in there.
Leona said she felt she was being singled out while people like David Dinkins are getting away with the same thing that she got in trouble for. She said that maybe she should have run for mayor herself. Howard wrapped up with Leona a short time later and went to break.
Howard had Robin go through some news stories. She brought up the Leona Helmsley story and talked about that for a little while. Howard got annoyed with the microphones during that story and complained about the engineers there at K-Rock.
Robin went through some other stories but Richard Simmons showed up as Santa. Richard was yelling and saying hello to everyone when he came in. He had to go over and hug Robin but she told him to get away from her. Howard told him he smelled like a Romanian Washer Woman. Richard said he didn't have any fragrance on though. He gave Robin some gifts that he got her for Christmas. He showed her some dolls that he found for her. Howard told him he shouldn't have done that.
Richard came over to Howard and told him about the gifts he got for him and about working at FAO Schwarz helping out there. Richard got a doll for Howard's daughter and said it was a very rare limited edition Barbie doll.
Richard said he was upset about what Howard had done with Leona earlier this morning. He didn't get into too much detail because he was busy showing off more of the gifts that he got for his daughters. Howard asked him if he was nuts. Howard told him he was going to get him something for his dog since he had gotten him stuff for his kids.
Howard told Richard to put on his man voice instead of that effeminate voice. Richard did that a little bit but quickly got back to his regular voice. Howard put Richard's voice into the harmonizer to lower it a bit. Richard wanted him to take it off but he refused. Richard stopped talking so Howard took the harmonizer off for a few seconds. Richard started to talk so Howard put it back on.
Howard asked Richard if he's a virgin or not. Richard didn't want to go there so Howard said he was going to go to break. Richard complained about the belching guy he heard earlier in the morning because that's what he woke up to. Howard told Richard that one of the dolls he got looked like an AIDS baby or an alien. Richard got upset about that so Fred played some baby crying sound effects. That made Richard laugh. Howard thanked Richard for the stuff he got for his kids and said he wanted to call them to have them thank him personally.
Howard asked Richard a personal question which made him start to walk out of the studio. Howard called him back in and asked him about his short shorts and goofed on him about that. Howard had to go to break so he gave Richard some plugs and told him to stick around. Richard was laughing his ass off at the picture of Howard that was on his U.S. Open Sores video tape. He said it was so touched up. Howard told him to take his gifts and get out of there when he said that. Robin told Richard that it was untouched but he didn't believe it.
Richard spent some time talking about these Barbie dolls he got for Howard's kids and said he's had them since he was a little kid. He said he had the dolls before the GI Joe dolls even came out. Howard went to a break but the commercials were cut out for Master Tape Theatre.
Howard had his wife Alison on the phone so she could have the kids thank Richard for the dolls. Emily got on the phone and Richard told her about the doll. Howard told her to say thank you to Auntie Richard. Richard told him to take it back or he was going to walk out. Howard took it back and Richard got a thank you from Debra, who was only 3 years old. Emily got back on the phone and said she was going to sing a song for Richard. She started to sing and Richard said it was very cute.
Howard asked Emily to sing another song for them. She went right into another song that she sings in the car with him. It was a Debbie Gibson song that she knew the lyrics to. Richard said that was his favorite Debbie Gibson song. Richard wished her happy holidays and told her not to eat any candy. Alison got back on the line and Richard told her that Howard was being very insensitive to him. Howard said he wasn't and he had the guys bring in a gift for him.
Richard didn't like the gift they got for him. They had given him some Big Black Stud magazine. He said he was just kidding but Richard was upset over the whole thing. He started to laugh a short time later though. Howard was showing Richard some of the men in the magazine and claimed that Richard was looking. Howard showed him one picture of a woman who was enclosed entirely in rubber. Richard started laughing so hard he wasn't even able to speak.
Richard told Howard about Cindy Adams being on Larry King's show the night before. He said that he didn't think that what Leona did should have gotten her jail time. He said that they shouldn't send a woman that age to jail. They spent some time on the Cindy Adams thing and Richard said he wanted to call her and talk to her about what she said. Howard said he would give Richard her number and let him talk to her since she'd probably hang up on him if he called. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard said he had Richard's microphone off but it sounded like he was right on mic because he was so loud. Howard tried to figure out who Richard was dating during that. Richard gave them some clues and they were taking guesses at who it might be. Robin guessed that it was Doogie Howser (Neil Patrick Harris) but Richard didn't seem to find that very funny.
Howard gave Richard the phone so he could try and talk to Cindy Adams when they call her. He told Richard he has to ask her if she'll come on the air. Richard listened as the phone rang but there was no answer. Howard said that was good because he didn't want to talk to her anyway.
Gary told Howard that Leslie West of the band Mountain was on the phone to play a song for Richard. Howard said he only had limited time but he put him on anyway. Leslie played some ''Silent Night'' for Richard as Richard was describing what he was seeing as he was hearing the music. He started to sing along with it but Leslie finished up a short time later. Howard told him he had to get going and got back to trying to figure out who Richard was dating.
Richard wished everyone a wonderful and happy season as he was holding Howard's hand. Howard cut him off and asked him about running and walking around with those shorts of his. He said that his genitals must hang out all the time. He said Gary saw him doing sit-ups out in the green room and everything was hanging out. Richard didn't want to talk about that and got in some plugs for his ''Dancing to the Oldies 2'' tape that had just come out.
Howard asked him what he was worth. Richard just got in more plugs for his Deal-A-Meal cards and told Robin to try it out. Richard told Howard that he was some real estate that he owns all over the country. He said his father invested money in that stuff when he was growing up. Howard wanted to know more but Richard didn't want to talk about it that much.
Howard told Richard that Sean Connery had been voted the sexiest man alive so he asked Richard if he believed that. Richard said he was kind of depressed today and couldn't answer that. He then went into a discussion about his brother who is only 5 feet tall and weighed 225 pounds. He said that he has just dropped 65 pounds thanks to his Deal-A-Meal cards.
Howard asked Richard who he's going to leave all of his money to when he's gone. Richard said he has some friends and family that he will leave it to. Howard said he won't be leaving Richard anything in his will. Howard said he had to do some commercial so Richard asked if he could read some of them. Howard gave him some of the copy to read but Richard realized that it was for a weight loss program that Robin had been using. Robin talked about the weight loss program and talked about how much she's lost even though she's been able to eat just about anything she wants.
Howard played some of Richard's work out tape but they had added in some clips of Fred yelling at the fat people in the video so Richard walked out. Howard said that Richard was kind of smelly when he showed up there. He said that Richard is a good guy but he just keeps talking right through the commercials and stuff.
Robin said that Richard was complaining about the stuff that she had said about him but she didn't know what he was talking about. Howard was still annoyed by the microphone he was using because they had changed something. He wanted it changed back.
Howard had Robin get back to her news since that's what she was in the middle of when Richard came in. Robin went through a bunch of various stories before Howard had to take another break.
Howard pretended he didn't know it was Emo until Emo told him who it was. Howard said he thought Emo was banned from the show. Howard said that Emo went on a competitor's show and that's why he was banned but he really doesn't care about that. Howard said he was pissed about Dice going on another show and holding back tickets or something like that.
Howard let Emo get in a plug for an appearance he was making with his girlfriend Judy Tenuta. Howard asked him when he's going to be there on his show. Emo said that he'll do it next time he's in New York. He told Howard that they get some big crowds to come out and see them when he and Judy do shows. Howard asked who goes on first. Emo said that Judy is the one who opens up the show for him. He said she loosens them up and then he goes on and tightens them back up again.
Howard tried to find a woman to talk to on the phones but every caller was a guy. He wasn't able to find one female caller.
Howard mentioned that Steve Leeds from MTV was there at the station but he didn't want to talk to him. He said he's done with MTV and has no desire to talk to him. He said he's not even going to watch MTV anymore. He said he's a comedy channel guy now.
Howard went to the phones again and tried to find some women. It was still all guys calling in though. One guy mentioned the Paul McCartney concert that Howard wanted to talk about. He said he wanted to get into all of that. He said that Stuttering John got an interview and so did Jimmy Fink. He said he was going to wait until the next day to play the Stuttering John interview since it was getting so late in the show.
Howard tried once again to get some women on the phone. He eventually found one who said she wanted to come to his Christmas party but she can't make it because she's having one of her own. He found another woman who said that she had never heard Howard's mother's maiden name before. Howard told her that it was Helmsley, but no relation to Leona. Howard asked her if she wanted to come to his party. She said he wouldn't want her there because she's kind of heavy.
Another woman called in and said that she's 26 years old. She said she can't come to the party because she's had two kids and doesn't want to get naked. She suggested dressing a woman up as a Christmas tree with ornaments hanging off of her. Howard went through a few more calls and found another woman who said she's only 19 but she would like to come in. Howard said there's no law against a 19 year old coming in. She said she would dress up as a Christmas tree and get naked. Howard was still kind of worried about a 19 year old getting him into trouble.
The 19 year old said that she and her friend are good looking. She said she's 5'10'' tall and has B-cups which kind of bummed Howard out. He was hoping for something bigger. Howard asked her if she really wanted to do the Christmas tree thing. She was willing but Howard wanted to get her drunk but everyone told him that she wasn't old enough. Howard said it's no fun if they're not drunk.
Howard let the 19 year old off the phone and had Robin finish up her news. She wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 9:20am (Master Tape Theatre time).