Howard was surprised to hear that everyone in the place could hear what they were saying. They finally got that together. Howard told everyone about their flight out to Vegas on Sunday. He talked about Artie drinking on the flight and then continuing to drink when they got there to the Hard Rock. They talked about the great food they had on the private jet.
Howard saw Gary the Retard sitting in the crowd so he said hello to him. The microphone wasn't working so it took a few seconds to get that working. Gary the Retard was yelling at Artie about being drunk on the radio the day before. Howard said that Gary was pulling Artie's hair and scratching his neck at the bar the night before. Artie said he had that ''retarded strength'' and wouldn't let go of him. Gary and Artie yelled at each other for a few seconds.
Robin heard that Artie was in such bad shape earlier in the morning (Tuesday) that he was reported dead in his hotel room and it was reported that he was dead. It turned out to be a hoax but the reports did get out there. Howard read the one report he had and this TV station had confirmed his death with the hotel. Robin heard that it was a drug overdose that killed him... but he's not really dead. Artie said he's still alive and he wanted a Jack and water right then.
Howard introduced his first guest who was Pam Anderson. She came out and got some applause from the crowd. Howard said they stole her from the Tonight Show before she went on. Pam heard about Artie's death and said that she had a guy who told her about the death and she didn't even know who Artie was. Howard told her that Artie actually was dead and her appearance there resuscitated him. The crowd sounded pissed that she didn't know who Artie was and booed her for a couple of seconds. Howard told Pam about how Artie called his mother to let her know he was okay but she started to cry anyway just because the rumor was so bad.
Howard talked to Pam about Las Vegas and asked her if she's really marrying Tommy Lee again. She said she's single and she's not marrying Tommy again. She changed subjects and asked about the BANGO game they're playing later in the show. Howard got back to her and tried to find out what else she's up to with Tommy and Kid Rock. Pam said that she and Tommy are not together but she does love him. She said they have a long way to go to make things right but he is the father of her children. Howard heard that he dumped Pink and went back to Pam but she said that's not what happened. She said there's no sex right now but she didn't say there was no sex with him.
Zolar was there and asked if he could come up and hug her. Howard told him to get lost. They moved on to Gary the Retard who was going nuts and telling Pam to ''Take it off!'' over and over again. Pam said she was nervous after that. Howard told Pam that Jay Leno is such a douche bag that they were going to chain her to her chair so the Tonight Show people would have to come and get her. He didn't want her to do his show because it's so bad. They actually sent a jet to get her so Howard talked to her about that. She said it was just her and her hair dresser on this private jet.
Howard got back to Pam's sex life and asked her about Kid Rock and Tommy Lee again. They went over the same stuff they've gone over in the past. Howard was going to wrap up and give Pam some plugs but she said she didn't have anything to plug. He wanted Pam to get naked and do something with one of the Spearmint Rhino girls. She wasn't into that so Howard wrapped up and gave her a plug for her web site PamelaAnderson.com. They then took the first break of the morning.
Howard said that this is like a Stern Trek convention with all of the fans that are there. Howard talked about seeing High Pitch Erik by the pool and how nasty his toenails were. High Pitch said that he and Joey Boots got stuck in the water slide there at the Hard Rock pool. Howard got back to Daniel Carver and asked him about what he's up to out there. Daniel said he wasn't able to find a blackjack table with the right rules for him.
Howard talked to Wendy the Retard for a short time. She and her mother drove up from Florida and it took them 3 days to get there. Artie joked that they lived just a block away from the hotel and it took them three days to get there. Wendy and Howard talked about bowling for a short time. She does pretty well in her bowling league. Howard also asked Wendy if Jay Leno raped her. Wendy says ''yes'' to anything he says so he played with that whole thing for a couple of minutes.
Zolar was yelling about his BANGO card and Beetlejuice was sitting near him so Howard talked to him for a short time. He said that Beet has his own ''dwarfy'' room there at the hotel. Beet was drinking so he was pretty happy and asked Robin if she wanted to join him. He was rambling a bit so Howard cut him off and got to some other stuff.
Howard talked about what he did when they got to the Hard Rock on Sunday. They were hanging out with some hot chicks and they looked like they were actually happening. Then they went to the strip club and they weren't even open yet. He told Robin how plastered Artie was and how he was yelling out stuff at the strip club while he was talking to the girls at the strip club. Gary said he was giving the girls his resume and telling them all of the stuff he's done and how he loves working for Howard.
Howard lost Artie at the strip club that night and ended up going back to the hotel alone. Artie went on to tell the guys that he was down by $9,200 already and he'd only been there 3 days. Howard told Robin that Artie only brings this tiny bag with him when he goes on vacation. He doesn't bring more than a t-shirt and underwear and a little bit of extra stuff. The rest of the guys have huge suitcases full of stuff.
Howard said he thinks that they kill fat chicks there in Vegas because he didn't see many there. All of the chicks have flat stomachs and are thin. Howard noticed some of the other guests in the crowd so they talked about them for a short time. Cleft Pallet was in the crowd so Howard talked to him for a minute. He couldn't understand what he was saying. Joey G from The Sopranos was there hanging out with them.
Howard tried to take some phone calls but that wasn't really working too well. One guy told Howard they shouldn't let Artie do those early morning interviews when he's drunk. A woman told Howard that she wanted to meet him because she went from about 300 pounds down to about one hundred and something... Howard heard the 300 pounds and hung up on her. He said you never recover from that.
There was an article in the NY Times over the weekend about his show and free speech in the country. He talked about that for a minute and then asked the crowed if they were going to vote against George Bush in the election. The crowd cheered when he asked them that. He had to take another break after that.
Porn star Taylor Rain came out a short time later. Howard said she's a beautiful woman and she's the prize you win in the game. Howard said she's one of the hottest chicks he's seen in porn. She's only 23 years old. Howard asked her if she really gets off when she does porn. She said she loves sex and she does get off. Howard had her stand up in front of the crowd so they could see what she'd win. She was tall and thin and weighed about 90 pounds according to Howard.
Taylor told Howard that she's been in porn for about 2 years now. She said she doesn't like having sex with girls. She told Howard that she's 5'3'' tall and weighs just 105 pounds. Yucko the Clown was in the crowd so he yelled out and asked her if she likes clowns. He said he'd eat the corn out of her mother's ****.
Howard asked Taylor to reenact some of her orgasmic moaning from her movies but she said she can't fake it. Robin did her impression of her instead much to the delight of the crowd. Gary told Howard that he heard that Taylor lost her virginity in her ''bad place'' before she lost the regular way. Right after that her boob popped out so Gary covered her up. Gary told Howard that they could get in trouble for that so that's why he covered up. Taylor said now she just loves to F*** in any way now. She's used many toys and even household toys to get herself off. She likes to take it in the dirty place.
Gary asked Taylor about her relationship with her parents. She gets along with her father but she doesn't get along too well with her mother. Howard asked her about some of the movie's she's done. She explained some of those and said that even though she has a boyfriend, she gets to do what she wants.
Howard moved on to the BANGO game and the whole crowd had BANGO cards. Howard told them to make sure they don't yell out BANGO unless they actually have it. They had a dancer from the Spearmint Rhino club spinning and pulling out the BANGO balls. She read them off and it went something like this:
Artie was up to his fourth Jack and water by this point. Howard said hello to Double A who was in the crowd. Andrea ''Miss Howard Stern'' was in the audience as well so Howard talked to her. She ended up getting lost out somehow. She hasn't been eating much because she's on a diet. She told Howard she's on Trim Spa and trying to lose a few pounds.
King of All Blacks was there as well so Howard spoke to him for a few seconds. Big Black was right next to him. King started goofing on him so Big Black was ready to bolt. He ran off and didn't want to let him goof on him.
Gary told Howard that Gary the Retard was telling Wendy the Retard to get a job and get out on her own. Gary the Retard was yelling at her and giving her advice but he collects money from the government himself. Gary sounded very angry and he may have been drunk. No one was sure what was up with him. He and Wendy continued to argue even after the microphones were off. Howard thinks it was Gary's drinking that made the guy so belligerent. Wendy told Howard that she'd like to go out with High Pitch Erik instead of Gary the Retard.
Howard said hello to the God Hates Fags family. This family goes around saying that God hates Fags. They drag their kids around and have them talking about all of this nonsense. The kids have no problem saying that ''God hates fags.'' The mother was telling Artie that God hates fag enablers as well so he must hate Artie. They went at it for a few seconds before Howard moved on to some phone calls.
A caller told Howard about some information about Clear Channel that he tried to send over to them. Howard hadn't seen it and didn't seem to know what he was talking about. Howard ripped through a few more phone calls and talked to some more fans. Howard told Robin that he hadn't even gambled out there yet and they'd been there for 3 days so far. He was busy at the Spearmint Rhino.
He took a couple more phone calls and then Gary told him that High Pitch Erik and Wendy the Retard were making out. Howard had him split them up after seeing that. Howard asked them what they were doing. Wendy said that he was her type and High Pitch said she was his type as well. Erik wanted to know if it was okay for her to go out with him so they had to get her mother's permission. Gary the Retard continued to yell out a bunch of nonsense and he didn't seem to care that Erik was making out with Wendy. Howard had to get out of all of that and took a break a short time later.
Daniel Carver was in the center square for Hollyweird Squares. Daniel was talking about the ratio of whites to blacks in the audience. He had nothing good to say about the Nig***s. He ranted for a minute while he had the microphone. Howard let him go on and on for a couple of minutes and then moved on to John the Stutterer who was in the next square. He and Howard talked for a couple of minutes. John couldn't talk because it was so loud in the place. Howard moved on to the God Hates Fags family who were in the bottom row. The crowd was booing them but they pretended not to hear that. They did their usual rants against the gays for a couple of seconds and then had a song to perform called ''America the Burning.'' They were having some trouble getting started. Once they started singing the crowd was going nuts booing them just about drowning them out. The crowd was chanting ''You Suck, You Suck!'' over and over again while they screeched out their song. Fred played some dog barking sound effects during that. Howard had to cut them off because they wouldn't stop singing. They turned off their microphones but they continued to sing.
In the next square was Beetlejuice. You could still hear the awful singing. Jeff the Drunk was in the next square but by this time Howard had to take another break.
After the break Howard got right to the game. Robin said she saw the squares on the monitors upstairs and it looked like the real Squares game... except for the people in the squares. Howard introduced a Tina Turner impersonator by the name of Larry who was playing for the $5,000 prize. The second contestant was an Axl Rose impersonator who said people call him Asshole.
Larry picked Daniel as his first square. Howard read his question about Rosa Parks and Daniel got the answer wrong and Larry knew it so he got the O in that square. Next up was Axl who picked The Whores. Howard asked them their question which was about the Mayflower Madam. They thought it was Norma Wallace but it was Sidney Biddle Barrows. Axl got the square.
Larry went again and picked Miss Howard Stern as his next one. Howard talked to her about why she was crying during the break but she said that she was fine and happy. Howard asked Andrea to spell Imbecile. She spelled it ''IMBESOLE.'' Larry knew she was wrong so Howard gave Larry his O. Axl picked John the Stutterer to block. Howard asked John if Sir Issac Newton was a stutterer. John said it was false but it was true and Axl got the square.
Larry picked Jeff the Drunk as his third choice. Howard talked about Jeff going out and peeing in front of a bunch of people outside the Hard Rock. Howard asked Jeff what is the ''Champagne of Bottled Beers.'' Jeff said it was Budweiser but it was Miller High Life. Larry got the square once again. Axl picked Elegant Elliott Offen as his next square. Howard asked Elliott about which actor kissed Linda Evans on Knots Landing even though he was HIV positive. Elliott said it was Ball Harbor. It was actually Rock Hudson but Axl got the square.
Howard had Larry pick his next square which was Beetlejuice. Howard asked Beetlejuice how he was doing and if he'd had any chicks yet. Of course he had. Howard then asked Beetlejuice what the little white things in his mouth are called. He thought they were ''food'' so he got it wrong and Larry got another square. Axl went with King of All Blacks as his square for the win. Howard asked King which eye was Sammy Davis Jr.'s fake eye. King said it was the left one and Axl agreed... He won the game and $5,000 with that answer. Howard gave him a $5,000 chip from the Hard Rock. Howard thanked everyone for coming on and took another break after that.
Howard took a call from a woman who heard the hoax report about Artie being dead earlier that morning. That led to Howard talking about how strange that whole thing was because a TV station had claimed to have confirmed his death but he didn't actually die. Artie thought that not that many people cared but Howard said they did.
Howard and the crew don't go out on the road too much and when they do it's pretty special. He said that the FCC has been awful with him and Clear Channel dropped him in 6 markets. He works for some great companies around the country who believe in freedom of speech and he appreciates them for keeping him on the air. The Las Vegas station is one of them so Howard thanked them after trying to remember their name and call letters. Gary pointed out that it was up on the wall in the room they were broadcasting from. Howard still believes that he will be taken off the air sometime in the future and it might be time to think about who you're going to vote for. He got political for a minute but quickly moved on to some more phone calls.
A woman called in and asked if she could be another contestant in the Blackjack for a Rack contest. Howard said they don't have time to pencil anyone in because every show is so jam packed. Howard ended up talking about this hot blonde stripper he met back stage who has the tightest stomach he's ever seen. He had Gary bring her out so he could show her off as his ''new girlfriend.'' She told him earlier that she wanted to go to the bathroom with him. She told him that she has been a fan of his ever since the speaker scene in his movie ''Private Parts.'' Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to her and found out her name is Darah and she was going to be working at the Spearmint Rhino tonight. Robin thought she really wanted Howard.
Howard took a call from a guy who told a story about Beetlejuice that was supposed to be funny but wasn't. Howard and Robin talked to Beetle for a few seconds after that. Howard hasn't been keeping up on the national news lately because all he's seen on the TVs at the Hard Rock are Led Zeppelin concerts and stuff like that.
Howard said he didn't even see the final ''Survivor'' show. He said people told him about it and it sounded pretty good to him. Robin said it really was pretty good and she loved how pissed off people were at Rob. Howard said that Rob and Amber are booked for the show and they'll be in soon. Gary told him that the show really isn't even over yet because they have another show this Thursday.
Howard said that the winner of Bango, Dan, lied about being single earlier. His wife heard the show and got pissed when she heard that he lied about it. Dan said he will go on a date with Taylor but he'll only be having sex with his wife. Howard told him to have a good date but it was kind of a bummer. He had to take another break before the next segment.
Mike told Howard that he never even got to kiss a girl because of all of the problems he had. He still has problems sleeping and breathing so he has more operations in his future. Howard brought in Carmella shortly after that. He was having a hard time pronouncing her name so he dealt with that for a minute. She's only 21 years old. She told Howard about what she wins for getting the Playmate of the Year. She also told Howard that she was not attractive in high school which Howard found hard to believe. She also said she's single which the guys couldn't believe either.
Howard asked her about her ex-fiancee. She said that she has been traveling a lot and she didn't have time for all of that stuff. She's also only 21 years old so Artie told her she doesn't need to be married. Howard asked her about when she lost her virginity and how many guys she's had since then. She lost it at 17 and has had about 5 guys.
Howard said that Mike would be playing a hand of Blackjack for the chance to win this ''night on the town'' with Carmella. Howard and the guys were placing their own bets as well. Howard was going to do the play by play for the game. They all played a hand and tried to help Mike out a little bit. He stuck with a 13 and ended up winning when the dealer busted. Mike was very happy that he won the date. Howard won some money as well on that hand.
Carmella told Howard that she and Mike will be going to dinner at Nobu and will also be getting massages. Howard wrapped up and took a break after that.
This woman Kara came in to try and win at ''Blackjack for a Rack.'' Howard thought she had nice breasts though. She said that she has a 34-B but they're saggy. Howard said that they'll give her $5000 to be on a hand of blackjack and if she wins, she gets that money to put toward implants. Kara said she's been working out and she wants bigger boobs.
Howard and the guys put some money out on the table for the blackjack game. Howard gave the play by play again. Artie hit a 21 when he did a double down on his hand. Kara had a 17 and the dealer hit 21 so everyone lost.... or did they. Gary reminded Artie that he had a 21 so that was a push. The dealer screwed up and had taken his money. Artie got his money back for that hand. Gary also gave Kara a $500 prize for coming by.
Gary stuck around and said that they have the Miss Butterface contest coming up tomorrow. They also have Rob and Amber from Survivor and the host of ''The Swan'' coming in. They're also doing the bowling segments on the show tomorrow. Rob Schneider is coming by to be one of the judges for the Miss Butterface contest.
Gary the Retard was yelling through the whole show today so Howard had them put a microphone on him again. He was asking for money for some reason. He was asking Howard where his money was but Howard had no idea what he was talking about. Ralph told Howard that Gary has become a real a-hole. He's punching people and yelling the whole time. Ralph said he got punched in the head by the guy.
Gary the Retard was asking for $500 to use for gambling. Angry Black spoke up and said that he was in hell with Gary the Retard yelling like that and Miss Howard Stern being drunk off her ass falling over. Wendy the Retard and High Pitch Erik were still making out so Howard spoke to them for a couple of minutes. Erik wants to bring her back to his room tonight but Wendy says she'll do what her mother tells her to do. She won't be sleeping with him though.
Howard had to pick names out of a hat for their Karaoke contest. First up will be Tom Chiusano. Next up will be the God Hates Fags family who will be competing in the Karaoke contest. Fred is third, Howard is fourth, Scott the Engineer is fifth then it will be Artie, Robin and Gary ''Baba Booey.''
Howard wrapped up the show after that and played Robin's last Karaoke performance from a few months ago where she sang a Sheryl Crow song. The Spearmint Rhino girls were dancing to the song. They have more BANGO coming up tomorrow along with a ton of other things.
Howard announced they have Rob and Amber from Survivor coming on the show and then they have Retard Bowling. Howard talked to Gary the Retard who was still revved up and yelling like he did yesterday. Howard asked where Wendy the Retard was and if she and Erik had hooked up yesterday. Erik said he couldn't find her and they didn't hook up. Gary and Wendy the retards will be bowling against each other later on. Howard asked Wendy if she is sterilized so she can't have babies. Wendy said she isn't so that could mean trouble for Erik if he hooks up with her.
Artie had a big bet on the Laker's game yesterday. He thought he had won but he was so drunk he wasn't sure. He's lost a total of about $16,000 so far. Howard heard that he lost more like $28,000. Artie said it's between $16,000 and $28,000. Robin figured it was around $22,000 from what she heard.
One of the Spearmint Rhino strippers was distracting Howard by twirling her gum with her finger so he ended up talking to her for a short time. She said she's been in the business for under a year. Gary said that girl was his dancer last night at the club and she ended up biting a hole in his shirt. The stripper said Gary had to stop the dance for some reason. Howard figured it was because Gary had already ''finished'' but he swore he didn't.
Henry Hill was in the audience so Howard said hi to him quickly. Yucko the Clown was there and Howard heard he got into a fight with John the Stutterer but he was still standing. Howard looked through the crowd a little more and said hello to Jeff the Drunk who still didn't have a voice.
The Miss Butterface contest was coming up later in the show so Howard mentioned that quickly. They have another round of BANGO coming up where someone will win a ''date'' with a woman by the name of Marianna.
John the Stutterer was in the crowd so Howard tried to talk to him. The whole crowd was chanting ''I, I, I...'' so he couldn't say much. Then he went off on Yucko the Clown for a few seconds. He was yelling at him to take off his makeup and expose himself. Howard cut him off and said they have Train coming in to back them up for Karaoke and a bunch of other stuff coming up. Howard took a break so they could get to the rest of the stuff they had to do.
Rob and Amber from the latest season of ''Survivor'' came out next. Howard was telling Robin how beautiful Amber was when he was talking to her back stage. He wondered what Rob does to get her. Robin said he's a construction worker. Howard went on to ask Amber if she got breast implants this season because her boobs looked bigger this year. She said she didn't. Robin and Amber talked about their engagement and how they were told by the Survivor people that they can't split the money. They told them that Amber actually has to have a separate bank account. Robin told Rob she thought he and Tom were going to get into a fight on the final show the other night. Amber thought Tom would have punched Rob out if he had the chance.
Howard asked Rob and Amber if they had sex while they were together down there. Amber made it sound like they were too dirty and disgusting after being down there so long that they didn't do anything. Howard talked to the two of them about how their relationship got started. Amber said she started the flirting as a strategy but it ended up turning into something else. Howard wondered if the two of them ran home and hopped in bed together. Amber said she went home and gained about 20 pounds.
The crowd was getting very loud and made it very hard for Howard to talk to these two. He wrapped up the interview a couple of minutes later. They were talking about the last episode of Survivor that's airing tonight. The audience gets to vote for someone else on the show to win a million bucks. Rob and Amber seem to think that people are going to vote for Rupert because there's some fascination about him. They can't figure it out even though they say that he's a nice guy. They're not sure what the fascination is. Howard went to break after that.
Gary the Retard was up first. He tossed the ball and it ended up in the gutter. Robin wondered if he needed bumpers. He said he doesn't want any bumpers though. Gary got the ball back and threw another gutter ball. Gary said he hasn't bowled in a long time. Artie told him what went wrong is that he's a retard.
Wendy got up and took her turn. She also threw a gutter ball... and then another. Artie was laughing hysterically when he saw the second gutter ball thrown. Gary the Retard got back up and threw yet another gutter ball. He took his second ball and it went in the gutter, bounced out and took down a couple of pins. It didn't count though.
Wendy finally hit some pins and took down 9 with her next roll. She took her second turn and missed that 1 pin. Gary the Retard got up for his final turn. He threw another gutter ball! Artie pointed out he had a perfect score... of zero. Of course he threw his final ball and it went right in the gutter. Wendy didn't have to throw her next ball but she wanted to do it anyway. Her final ball went right in the gutter. Wendy just won $5,000 courtesy of ''Scary Movie 3.'' Howard wrapped up the retarded bowling after that and took another break.
Howard moved on to his next guest. The host of ''The Swan'' Amanda Byram. Howard asked Amanda about the mole she has on her face because she's on a show where they try to make women look better. Amanda said that she thinks the mole is her trademark and Europeans seem to like the mole so she's keeping it. Artie said that she should be on the show ''Celebrity Mole'' because of it.
Howard said that Amanda has the responsibility to tell the women on the show that they're better looking even though they're not. He talked about how the women don't actually end up looking much better. Howard asked Amanda if she'd ever be honest and tell them that they still look ugly. Artie thought that some of them actually look worse after the makeovers. Howard told Amanda she shouldn't stand next to the chicks on that show because it makes them look 10 times ''fuglier.'' Howard said if you want to see a show where they lie to women and make them think they're better looking, check out ''The Swan'' which airs Monday night's at 9 on FOX.
Howard had Amanda stick around so they could take some phone calls. Captain Janks called in and said that he was the one who got the hoax about Artie being dead started. Janks said he called one TV station and they put him right on the air without confirming the story. Howard said he thinks Artie could be dead before the weekend. The guys spent a couple of minutes on that but Howard still had Amanda there so he got distracted by her. He talked to her for a minute and then got back to Janks. Janks said that the TV station he called actually broke into their regular broadcast to report that story. He wasn't able to get tape of that report though.
Howard took some more phone calls and one guy told Howard about seeing Jeff the Drunk on the live video cam they have on the Hard Rock web site. Howard said that's the one thing that he doesn't like about the place because people can spy on people at the pool and even peek into some rooms that look over the pool.
Beetlejuice had a few words to say about Amanda. He was saying that he landed on Amanda's face last night. He was a little drunk sounding and he was trying to hit on Amanda a little bit. Howard told Beet that they were going to do the Miss Butterface contest a little later. He had to take a break shortly after that.
Rob Schneider was the special guest judge for the contest. Rob asked to be a judge when he was on the show a few months back. He flew in from Amsterdam to do this Miss Butteface thing even though he's shooting ''Deuce Bigalow European Gigalo.'' Rob said that they did write a part for Howard and they know he wants to play a man whore. He also said they have a giveaway on CollegeClub.com where college kids can get the chance to visit the set of the new movie. Rob asked for 2 beers and two shots so he could start getting drunk while they do the Miss Butterface contest.
Rob and Artie did a couple of shots together before the contest started. Artie was doing the shots and drinking some Jack and water to wash that down. Gary came out and reminded everyone of the rules for the contest. He said the guys have to rate the girls on their bodies on a scale of 10 with 10 being the best. Then they have to rate the women's faces on a scale of 10 with 10 being the ugliest face... because it's the Miss Butterface contest... everything's good but-her-face.
Ralph came out to the jeers of the crowd. Artie was laughing and saying that the show is much funnier when you're drunk. Howard moved on and had the first contestant come out. Stacy came out and they played a clip of her talking about her body and her face. She says she has a 10 body and a 4 face. She came out with a bag on her head so they could rate her body. Howard gave her body a 10 and said she had a perfect ass. Rob Schneider liked her and also gave her a 10. Robin came in with a 10 and Ralph gave her an 8. Gary gave her a 9 and Fred gave her a 9. Artie gave her a 9 on her body. Stacy then took off her bag and got some rough responses from the guys. Stacy said that her friend entered her into the contest. Howard asked Ralph what he'd give her. He rated her at an 8. Howard said he thought she was pretty and didn't think she was that bad. He gave her a 3. Gary gave her a 6. Rob gave her a 4 because she was too good looking. Robin didn't think she was that bad either. She gave her a 4. Artie thought she looked like Ryan Seacrest and gave her a 3. Fred gave her a 6 after saying that her face was growing on him after the initial shock of seeing it.
Next up was Bianca. She says that she's 23 years old and from Romania. She was up on stage in her bathing suit and she looked pretty good according to Howard. Rob Schneider gave her a 6 for her body. Ralph gave her an 8. Gary a 9 and Robin a 6. Howard gave her an 8 and Artie gave her a 9. Fred gave her a 7. When she revealed her face the guy sounded shocked. Rob said they should stop the contest right then. Gary gave her a 9 for her bad face. Ralph gave her a 6. Howard gave her an 8 and Rob gave her a 7. Robin didn't think she was that bad and gave her a 6. Artie gave her a 9 after saying she looked like his 7th grade science teacher... Mr. Molinari. Fred gave her an 8 because his watch stopped after she took that bag off.
The next contestant was Cindy, another 23 year old. She came out and revealed her body. Ralph said that she was a mess and gave her body a 2. Rob gave her a 4 and Gary gave her a 5. Howard also gave her a 5 and Robin gave her a 6. Artie gave her a 6 as well while Fred gave her a 3. She removed her bag and the face must have been bad. Artie said she looked like Henry Hill. She had huge ears and Gary said they were calling her Prince Charles. Ralph gave her a 10 for the bad face. Howard agreed and gave her a 10. Gary gave her a 9 and Rob gave her a 9 as well. Robin gave her a 9 and Artie gave her a 10. Fred came in with a 10 but said he'd give her a 14 if he could.
Howard had to take a break after Cindy's evaluation. When they came back Howard said this will all air on E! starting next week. Robin then got a couple of shots to drink like everyone else was doing. Robin took one of the shots and downed it within a few seconds. Howard got back to the Miss Butterface contest. The next contestant was Debbie. She came out and the guys rated her body. Gary gave her a 3 for her body. Ralph gave her a zero! Rob gave her a 5 because she's 49 years old. Robin gave her a 5 as did Howard. Artie threw in another 5 and Fred gave her a 2. She took off her bag and the guys were shocked once again. Gary gave her a 7 for her face. Ralph gave her a 6. Rob gave her an 8 for the face. Howard gave her a 9, Robin gave her a 7 and Artie gave her a 10. Fred gave her a 9.
Howard was wasted from the tequila he was drinking. He said he wasn't going to drink anymore after that. The next contestant was Michelle. She rates her face at a 5. She's 33 years old and married. Artie was laughing when she came out. Gary rated her at a 5 for her body. Artie gave her a 10, Howard gave her a 7 and Rob gave her a 6. Ralph gave her a 6 and Robin gave her a 4. Fred said the bag should go all the way to her feet and gave her a 4. The crowd was shocked again when she took that bag off. Rob said that he'd give her a 10. Ralph gave her a 9, Robin also gave her a 9 and Howard, Artie and Fred gave her a 10.
Next up was Nicole who rated herself at a 5 on her own face. Howard gave her a 7 on her body. Gary gave her an 8 and Ralph gave her a 6. Rob gave her a 7.5. Robin gave her an 8 and Artie gave her a 9. Fred threw in another 7. She took off her bag and it wasn't good. Rob gave her a 7, Ralph gave her a 9 and Gary gave her a 7. Robin said it was an 8 and Howard gave her a 7. Artie threw in a 9 while Fred gave her the same... a 9.
Next up was Penny. She revealed that she lost her virginity at 11 but not willingly. Howard gave her a 6 for her body. Gary also gave her a 6 while Ralph gave her a 5. Rob gave her a 7 and Robin gave her a 7. Artie gave her a 7 and Fred gave her a 6. She took off her bag and Rob let out a yell. Ralph wanted to give her an 11 but had to keep it at a 10. Gary gave her an 8, Rob gave her a 9 and Robin gave her an 8. Howard gave her a 9 and Artie gave her a 9. Fred threw in a 10.
Rachel was up next. She was only 21 years old. The crowd went nuts when she came out for some reason. She slipped when she came out and the bag fell off her head. Howard gave her a 4, Gary gave her a 5 and Ralph gave her a 2. Rob Schneider gave her a 7 and Robin gave her a 5. Artie gave her a 2 and Fred did the same. She took off the bag and her face wasn't that bad. Ralph gave her a 6, Gary a 5, Howard a 4, Rob a 6 and Robin a 5. Fred gave her a 3 and Artie gave her a 3.
The next contestant was Sherri. When she came out the crowd was making a lot of noise. She had big boobs so Ralph gave her a 2. Rob gave her a 7, Gary a 6, Robin 4, Howard 6 and Artie an 8. Fred gave her a 3. She took off the bag and the guys rated her face. Howard gave her a 10, Gary an 8, Ralph a 9, Rob a 9 and Robin a 9. Fred gave her a 10 and Artie gave her a 10.
The final contestant was Debbie A., a 37 year old woman. Howard said she had a 9 body. Rob gave her a 9, Gary a 9, Ralph a 6, Robin a 9, Artie a 9 and Fred a 9. She took off her bag and it wasn't all that bad. Gary gave her a 7, Ralph a 4, Rob a 7, Robin a 5, Howard a 9, Artie a 2 and Fred a 4.
Howard had the guys go through the scores and then revealed the winner. Ralph though that number 2 should have been the winner. Gary told the guys that the winner was number 5, Michelle who scored a 68. They shot off a bunch of confetti when they announced the winner. They had a guy come out with a $25,000 check courtesy of Hitman Contracts the video game which is available for Xbox, Playstation 2 and PC. The guy was dressed as Agent 47 from the video game. Howard wrapped up the contest after that and thanked Rob for stopping by to judge the contest.
Howard moved on to the game and had the girl read off the numbers for the BANGO game. Here's how they came out:
The God Hates Fags family was up next with a parody of ''Proud to be an American'' called ''Ashamed to be an American.'' Rob said he was ashamed to be listening to these people sing the song. The band Train backed them up as the crowd booed them. The family then sang their awful song bashing gays. Rob Schneider tried to interrupt them but Howard let them keep going.
Fred was up next. He was performing Roadhouse Blues by the Doors for his song. Howard said Fred was dancing while doing his performance. He was actually good and Train covered the song really well.
Howard headed up next to perform a Led Zeppelin song. He performed Highway to Heaven... while slightly drunk. The band sounded great and Howard sounded like he usually does when he sings. He sounded like he was doing an impression of High Pitch Erik as he was singing. He had the guys go right to break after he was done singing.
After the break Howard said he had a few more shots of tequila during the break. Rob ended up doing a song during the break that didn't make it to the air. Howard was hoping they'd have tape of it so they could play it. Howard wanted to move on and have the rest of the guys perform their songs. Scott the Engineer was up next with his cover of ''Lovin in the City.'' Scott got a little lost with the lyrics for some reason and kind of blew it. It was pretty bad according to Howard and Robin. Artie hopped up and performed AC/DC's ''You Shook Me'' for the crowd who went nuts when he got up there. Artie was a little off because he was so drunk. Howard said they were telling him that he was beating Artie so far. Rob was cursing a bit so Howard just said to let the FCC take them off the air already, he doesn't care.
Robin got up next to perform KoRn's ''Y'all Want a Single.'' She zig zagged up to the mike according to Gary. She was very excited and screaming at the top of her lungs like you've never heard before. Howard asked ''What the hell was that?'' when she came back.
Gary got up on stage to perform Linkin Park's ''One Step Closer.'' He sounded a bit drunk himself and ended up slurring some of his words. They played some of Baba Booey's theme songs after that. They had to judge the songs after that. Howard asked the crowd to cheer if they thought each person was good. Tom and the God Hates Fags family both got boos. Fred got some cheers as did Howard's performance. Scott the Engineer got boos but Artie got some big cheers. The crowd was chanting Artie's name after his name was mentioned. Robin got some cheers but Gary got some boos. Howard was going to give it to Artie or Robin because they got the most cheers. He then had Pat Monahan from Train perform some Led Zeppelin songs for the crowd to show them what a real singer sounds like. They were great. After they did a few minutes Howard took another commercial break.
Rob Schneider came back to hang out with Howard. They still had a few more things to get to. Howard said that Train will come back out and perform their new single. They also had Blackjack for a new Rack to play.
Howard took some phone calls and let a few people talk to them. One caller had tape of the report of Artie's death on the local CBS news. Robin thought it was pretty funny. They talked about that for a few seconds and then got to the Blackjack hand.
Howard had this woman Michelle come out to try and win some money for her new rack. They put down $5000 for her and the rest of the guys put down some cash of their own for their hands. Artie went from $200 to $400. He was completely wasted and started cursing. Robin put down $100. Howard gave the play by play for each card dealt. Michelle ended up losing the hand and the $5,000. The dealer had blackjack so they were all screwed. Gary gave Michelle a parting gift of $500 courtesy of Bally Total Fitness. Howard then wrapped up the game and thanked everyone for showing up for the show this day.
Howard ended the show with Train performing their new song ''Ordinary'' from the ''Spider-Man 2'' soundtrack album.
Howard said they were going to play a little blackjack for a new rack this morning. They'll be doing another round of bowling up in Howard's room but this time with strippers. Howard interrupted that to talk about how George W. Bush's poll numbers are going down now. He went on to talk about how he and the fans are going to get him out of office in November. He said having everyone there in Vegas just inspires them to go on with the show as long as they can.
Howard took some phone calls after that. One guy said he was outside The Joint trying to get in. Howard sent Gary out to let the guy in for some reason.
Howard said he was called over to the Spearmint Rhino last night because Artie was out of control over there the night before. Gary gave Howard the details about what happened. Howard said that Artie told him that he has to leave Las Vegas that night before someone gets killed or he gets killed. Artie told Howard that he blacked out after the Miss Butterface contest and when he woke up he was talking to Henry Hill at the Spearmint Rhino. Howard had to go over there to send Artie back to his room. Artie didn't remember much of it. Gary told him that he's not welcome at the Spearmint Rhino and he ripped up his paycheck and threw it in the owner's face. Artie didn't remember that and he didn't remember falling off the stage over there. Zolar was there and told Howard what he saw. Artie fell off and ended up yelling at people who were trying to help him. He was calling one guy a faggot and some other stuff. They were able to get tape of that because they had the E! cameras over there at the club.
Doug Goodstein from E! said that Artie insulted the owner, ripped up his check and told him to get a new shirt. Artie now wants to go home early because of all of that stuff. Howard and Robin said that Dana was really upset about everything that was going on. Howard asked him if he's up for his baseball challenge after all of that. Artie said he wasn't sure and he needed a drink. Howard said that he wants to have a bowling match between him, Robin and Artie.
Howard talked to some more chicks in the audience. He also talked to Daniel Carver from the KKK. He said he has won a few bucks gambling out there. A black woman put her arm on him so he told them to get that nig*** off him.
Gary asked Artie whose idea it was for him to go home. Artie said it was his idea but then he said that a few people conference called him. He said that Dana told him that he really should listen to the last hour of the show because he was in such bad shape. Artie also thought that the hoax about his death could come true if he stays out there.
The E! guys had video of Artie being taken off stage at the Spearmint Rhino. Artie refused to look at the video. Robin and Gary were laughing at the tape as they watched. They had to put Artie in a wheelchair to get him out of the club. He then started throwing stuff. He threw a pizza box at one point. They tried to get Artie into his room but when he got on his couch, he fell off onto the floor and passed out. Gary said he heard the Spearmint Rhino people are still going to pay him even though he ripped up the check and threw it in the owner's face. Artie said he doesn't want the money though because that's bad business. Artie said he was chasing tequila with Jack Daniels all day so that's why he got so plastered. He apologized for everything that happened and said that the Spearmint Rhino is a great club and everyone was very nice to him. Howard had to take a break after that story.
Howard took some questions from the crowd and one woman said she's a huge fan and she goes to all of the shows she can. She asked Howard if he was embarrassed by what Artie did. Howard says he wasn't embarrassed at all. A guy in the crowd told Howard he misses him because he can't hear him in Pittsburgh anymore. Howard said that Clear Channel sucks so the crowd went nuts and started chanting ''Clear Channel sucks!'' over and over again. Howard talked to a guy who had a ''Save Howard'' t-shirt on. The guy was missing some teeth so Howard said he was going to try to find some money so he could play a game of Blackjack so he could pay for some new teeth.
They brought the guy up to the table so he could play a hand of blackjack. Howard made him promise to use the money only for teeth... not for crack. Robin and the rest of the crew were playing the blackjack hand as well. They had a woman come out to play as well because she was there to play for a new rack. Her name was Kyle and she's a little small in the chest area. Howard said he doesn't care about that because he's a vagina man. Kyle says she wants to be in Playboy and it's been her dream since she was 16. She's 21 now. Their blackjack dealer has actually been in Playboy. Howard spent about 2 seconds on that and got back to Kyle. He read about how she likes to have sex in public places because of the chance of getting caught. She was expelled from school one time for threatening to kill another girl who stole her boyfriend.
Howard moved on to the game and asked Artie if he'd be betting. Artie said he was down so much he could only bet $50. Artie said he's down by about $23,000 so far. Howard had Yari deal the hand of blackjack. He gave the play by play for each of the cards dealt. Artie busted since he can't seem to win at anything while he's out there. Kyle and Robin both had 20 so they stuck with those. The guy with no teeth, Nick, had a 17. He lost when the dealer got a 19. Both Robin and Kyle won so Kyle will be getting breast implants. Nick said that he's been partying with Zolar all week and it's been great.
Howard talked to Cindy about the story he read about her math teacher having sex with her. She said that he liked to be burned and she liked burning him with cigarettes. She said that she told him she wanted an A in his class and that's what led to them having sex. She said it was during lunch period one day. Howard read that Cindy had a girlfriend at one point and she ended up breaking up her marriage and the husband ended up killing himself because of that. He shot himself in the chest with a shotgun. She didn't seem to care much about that either.
Cindy was first up and she ended up getting a gutter ball. Karina also got a gutter ball but there was a delay hit for some reason. This was a taped show too so that didn't make much sense. Cindy threw her second ball and got another gutter ball. The girls went back and forth a couple of times and neither of them could hit a pin. Even the retards yesterday were able to hit some pins. Karina ended up getting 6 pins finally so Cindy lost and has to go on a ''date'' with Jeff the Drunk.
Jeff the Drunk got up to bowl. He threw a ball and hit 3 of the pins that were still standing. Howard gave the girls plugs for their web sites KarinaVIP.com for Karina and JillKellyProductions.com for Cindy. Howard had to take another break after that.
Howard spoke to Gary the Retard and Wendy the Retard because they were going to play Retarded Card Sharks. Howard asked Wendy if George Bush had slept with her and raped her the night before. She answered yes to every question he asked as she usually does. He asked Gary the Retard if he was also raped but he doesn't play along with that stuff and said ''No!'' Wendy told Howard that she will use her winnings to go to Disney World if she wins. Howard then asked her if Mickey Mouse raped her last night. She played along and said yes to all of his questions again.
Howard moved on to the game of Retarded Card Sharks. Wendy gave Howard some pictures she drew last night so he showed those off. Howard said he thought he needed a drink after seeing those. Artie said he'd have one as well. He was hoping to drink enough to forget what happened the night before. Howard then explained the game to the Retards. They'd deal them cards and they had to guess whether the next card would be higher or lower than that card.
The first card was an 8 so Gary guessed it would be higher. It was a 9 so he got that one. Gary guessed the next one would be higher and got a King. Gary guessed that the next card would be higher but he got a 4.
Wendy's first card was a 9. She said the next one would be lower and got a 2. She then guessed the next one would be higher. She got a Jack. She then said that the next card would be lower. She got an Ace and tied with Gary the Retard. Howard said this was his worst nightmare because the game was going longer than it was supposed to.
Gary the Retard went again and was dealt a 4. He guessed the next one was higher and got an 8. Wendy was dealt a card and got an Ace. She said it would be lower and got a 6. They were tied again. Gary guessed his next card would be higher and got a King. They went back and forth a couple of times again and ended up tied again. Howard wanted out of the game. He said they talked about this earlier and he had a bad feeling that they'd be stuck in the game for an hour. The two of them had another round and tied again. Howard then had them try one more time and Wendy ended up losing.
Gary the Retard won $5,000 but thought he only won $500. Howard gave him his $5,000 chip and thanked them for playing. He then went to another commercial break as Artie was getting ready to drink his first Jack and water. He said he was willing to die for the Stern fans out there.
Howard spoke to Zolar for a short time as well. Joey Boots was there and Gary told a story about how the two of them got oral sex from a stripper while the show was going on the day before. Double A was in the crowd so Howard talked to him for a few seconds as well. Everyone's voices were shot from yelling so much out there. Double A asked if Beth was going to be there because she's so beautiful. Howard had Beth stand up and say hello to him. Double A told her he loves her and it sounded like he blew her a kiss.
Yucko the Clown told Howard he had sex with a couple of women the night before. Beetlejuice and ''Miss Howard Stern'' (Andrea) were there so he quickly moved on to them. Beet's voice was shot just like everyone else's. Andrea has been upset lately and she doesn't know why she's there. She's depressed because she's broke and they're not helping her out with any money.
Howard wanted to put her in a contest against Beetlejuice for the chance to win $2,000. Howard asked Beet what the little white things in his mouth are that he uses to chew food. He said ''food'' again like he did the other day. Howard then asked Andrea to spell imbecile. She spelled it with an S and got it wrong. Howard then asked Beet the same question about his teeth and he called them ''food'' once again. Andrea was asked what symbol was used for the Nazi party in Germany during World War II. She wanted to draw it but didn't know the name. She called it the ''Nazi cross.'' Howard asked Beetlejuice what TOOTH spelled. Beet said it spelled ''seven.'' Howard asked Andrea what newspaper Clark Kent worked for. She said it was the NY Times.
Howard continued to ask Beet and Andrea questions. Beet was asked what animal cows milk comes from. He got it right when he said ''cow.'' Howard asked Andrea what 30 percent of 100 was. She said it was 30 dollars but that was wrong, it was just 30. Howard gave her $1000 anyway even though she lost. Andrea didn't know what to do with the $1000 chip she was handed. They had to explain to her that she has to take it to a cashier.
Howard spoke to some more fans in the crowd. One of the girls lives there in Vegas and asked for a spanking as a birthday gift. Howard didn't want to do the spanking thing so she asked for a hug instead. Another woman asked where Mr. X was. Robin said he's home sick with the flu.
Howard talked about Artie's baseball challenge and started to take some bets on whether or not he'd be able to get a hit off of her. They spent a minute on that and then took another break.
Ila says that when she played college ball she got spit on by the guys on her team. If she manages to strike Artie out, she wins $10,000. If Artie gets a hit off of her, he wins the money. Robin was hoping that she'd rub it in if she beats Artie. Howard had Ila head out to the field to throw a couple of practice pitches. Michael Buffer was there to do the announcing for the challenge.
Buffer introduced Ila and gave her stats and introduced her with his trademark delivery. Howard introduced the umpires they had out in the field and gave their names. Buffer then introduced Artie after giving his resume.
Howard asked the two of them how they were doing so far. Ila threw her first pitch and threw a ball. Second pitch was another ball. The third pitch was yet another ball. Artie said that she had nothing for him. Ila threw her next pitch and it was ball 4. They started over again after that. Ila threw another ball... and another ball that brushed Artie. Artie said that if she throws another one like that, he's going to rush the bitch.
Ila started all over again and threw another ball. Artie hadn't swung yet. Artie got a hit off of her on the next pitch. He won the $10,000 that was up. The umpire said that Artie really does have talent. He has a good eye and he waited for the right pitch and cracked one out and got a base hit. Ila said she hasn't played for 3 years so she was a little rusty but Artie said he hasn't played for 20 years (plus he was hung over and had at least one Jack and water in him). He still got the hit off of her. Howard said that Artie promised to put that ten grand on roulette. Artie said that if he wins, he'll stay in Vegas. Gary gave Ila $1,000 for coming out to do the pitching. Howard did a few plugs for all of the people that helped them out with the baseball challenge and then went to another commercial break.
Gary told Howard that Henry Hill was kicked out of the hotel because he was such a pain in the ass. Gary told Howard that Henry kept asking him if he was going to get him on. He kept telling him ''no'' but Henry kept asking.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said that everyone of his fans who went to the gift shop would get a free t-shirt. Robin knew it was a scam of course.
Artie was out in the casino at a roulette table. Artie was going to pick either red or black and put the full $10,000 on it. Artie was thinking of betting on a number because the odds were 36-1. Howard got a note from someone saying that the bet had to be on red. Artie was going to bet on black but Howard didn't understand why he was being told it had to be red. Scott the Engineer said he saw Tom run out of there for some reason. Howard wanted to wait to hear Tom's explanation for that because it should be worth it. While he was waiting he talked about some of the people he saw out in the crowd.
Tom finally showed up a few minutes later. Howard asked him why he has to bet red. Tom said that he thought it was supposed to be Sobe red because that's the sponsor who gave them the money but it was actually up to Artie which color he wanted to bet on. Howard apologized to Artie for making him wait for that. Artie explained why he was picking black and how it was based on his favorite black man, Mickey Rivers. Daniel Carver told Artie that he's a loser anyway and he'll probably lose the bet. Artie was starting to slur his words and he was already getting pretty plastered. He placed his bet on Black and the dealer spun the roulette wheel. The ball slowed and hopped into green. Artie said that couldn't be more perfect for his life.. it didn't even land in red, it landed in green which only has 2 spots on the wheel. Artie was ready to get on his flight home after that disaster. Howard had to take another break before getting to the Freaky Family Feud.
The God Hates Fags family team said they don't even care about the money, they're just there to preach to Howard's audience. Howard talked to some of the other people on the MyGaydar team and then got to the game.
Moon from the MyGaydar team and Shirley from the insane family got up and played the Freaky Family Feud. Howard asked them to name the top gay profession. The GHF (God Hates Fags) family got the second most popular profession which was Hairdresser. They decided to play that category. They blew it and lost the category to the MyGaydar team. They ended up winning the category and got 43 points.
Howard brought up Buck and Megan to play the next round. The question was ''Name the top celebrity who seems gay.'' Megan said Liberace but it wasn't one of the answers. Buck didn't get one either but Howard sent it over to the MyGaydar team. Howard asked the guys for more celebrities. They got Tom Cruise which was the top answer. Clay Aiken was also on that list. Ricky Martin was also on the list but they blew it and the GHF team got a try. They blew it as well so the MyGaydar team got the points.
Howard moved on to the next round and ended up talking to one of the GHF team members. He also spoke to the MyGaydar team for a few seconds. Howard then asked who the top gay icon was. The GHF family wasn't doing too well and blew it when they got their three strikes without one correct answer. The MyGaydar family took it and got Madonna, Cher and Judy Garland as the answers. They had already won anyway so they ended the game after that. The team won $10,000 in chips. The GHF family didn't care, they just wanted to preach to everyone. Howard wrapped up the game and went to commercial once again after that.
High Pitch Erik was shirtless out in the crowd so Howard talked to him for a minute. Erik was leaning up against Daniel Carver for some reason. Zolar was yelling about how disgusting Erik looked with his shirt off. Howard went through some of the other people in the crowd. He talked to Speech Impediment Man for a few seconds. Speech Impediment Man asked Howard when he's going to jump into the race for President. Howard then moved on to Cleft Pallet who was in the crowd. After that they moved on to another round of BANGO (a BINGO like game) where someone would win a ''date'' with a porn star.
Howard brought out porn star Venus who says she'll go on a date with just about anyone. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to her and found out she's had sex with over 500 guys in the 6 years she's been in the business. Howard read that she's adopted and her parents are very religious so they're not very proud of her. Howard said she was a beautiful woman and anyone in the crowd could win the date with her. Everyone had a BANGO card so they were all eligible.
They BANGO girl called off the letters and numbers that went like this...
Howard and Robin put down a hundred bucks on the hand of Blackjack. Artie only had $50 to put down on the table. Howard gave the play by play for the hand and reminded everyone how much Artie had lost out there. It was somewhere around $33,000 by this point. Gary was also in on the game and got blackjack. Howard double downed and ended up with 13. Robin had 13. Mickey was sticking on a 13 against the dealer's 4. The dealer ended up busting and Mickey got her $10,000. Artie actually won $50.
Howard got up to say goodbye to his audience. He had to thank everyone who helped them out. He thanked the Spearmint Rhino girls, the E! staff, the Hard Rock staff, Beetlejuice for his bowel movement on the stage, Ila the pitcher who Artie ended up getting a hit off of. Gary thanked a bunch of people from the show who helped out with everything there. Howard thanked the sponsors who have stuck with them through all of the indecency stuff.
Gary had to thank Scott ''The Engineer'' Salem and Eddis who helped out with the show. Howard thanked the people who wrote to the FCC to help him out and told everyone to register to vote and get Bush out of office.
Howard wished his agent Don Buchwald a happy birthday and thanked him for his hard work behind the scenes. Artie told his girlfriend and sister that he loves them both, in a very different way. Artie said he hadn't decided on whether he was staying in Vegas or going home to New Jersey. Howard wrapped up and ended the show after that.
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Howard started off the show talking about how he was in all kinds of meetings the day before. He said he was like the Donald Trump of broadcasting. He told Robin about his schedule which included the show in the morning, then he went to his office, ate lunch in about 5 minutes. He said he had to jam it into his mouth to get it down quickly. Howard had some meetings about a pay-per-view event he was working on. Then he had a meeting with Jackie about a new bit they were going to be doing this morning. Howard said at one point he had Jackie and Fred on a conference call.
After all of that he went out to lunch with some other guys who are going to be marketing the pay-per-view event. Then, while he was at lunch, he ran into Skitch Henderson who is a guy who gave up his job on the Tonight Show many years ago.
Howard said he ran into some other people while he was out. He said one of the guys, Bob Mountie, was someone they used to work with at NBC. He and Robin spent some time talking about him. This was a guy who was kind of their boss but not really. Management would send him in to talk to them when they didn't want to talk to him themselves.
Howard said he was glad that he was more famous than this Bob guy when he saw him out at the Friars Club. After that he went home and got on the phone. He said he got one phone call from someone who told him that they had lost all of the names of the people who were subscribing to the pay-per-view event. He said they lost like 500 names and those customers wouldn't even know that their names were lost. He said that it was Vision Cable who lost every name they got. He suggested that people call and re-subscribe to the event.
Howard said he and the guys got back to writing ''Throw Mama from the Bus'' bit that they were working on. He also brought up a bit they were doing for the channel 9 show where they make over a bum. He said it might be one of the most touching things that will ever be on TV. The guy was all made over but ended up going back into the subway when they were done with him.
Howard talked to Mitch who saw everything that went on with the homeless guy. Mitch said that the guy was a real philosopher and had a lot of thoughts on all kinds of things. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
During the break we heard some clips from Richard Christy's parents house from last Thanksgiving when Shuli went out there to spend some time with them. More clips were played during each commercial break.
Howard said his day was pretty intense. He decided to let Siobhan the transsexual come to the pay-per-view event. He had an answering machine message from the guy that was pretty crazy. He played the clip where Siobhan says he's being tested for an HIV test. He's also planning on getting tape of the guy giving him the results of the test.
Howard laughed as Fred played the Twilight Zone theme. He figures that they should have every kook who has ever been on the show at this event. He said there will be plenty of security there to keep them under control though. He replayed the answering machine message again and laughed as he heard it.
Howard said that it seemed like ABC was trying to turn this into a Rocky story with this guy Dan Jansen. He said that he figured he'd watch it because it was going to be a train wreck. This guy was under a lot of pressure because his sister had just died but he was still going to perform in the Olympics. They were flashing to the bar room scene in his home town and back to the fans in the stand and some family member. Then the guy starts skating and ends up blowing it when he falls in his race.
Howard said if it was like a real Rocky movie, the guy would have gotten up, skated on and won. Instead the guy just sat there with his head in his hands. Howard said the guy has to now go back to his town and do something really crazy to make for a good documentary. He said they should call his home town and tell the drug store to take the razor blades off their shelves.
Robin had some other news from the Olympics so she shared some of that stuff with Howard. Howard had some audio of this guy Jansen talking about what happened to his skate that made him fall during the race. Howard figures that's what the guy will be talking about once he gets home.
Howard said that dwarfs should do speed skating because they never seem to fall. He had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said he's seen the guys wetting toilet paper and washing the seat down. He doesn't think that does anything though and probably just wakes up any virus that might be on the seat. Robin said she tries to squat when she goes so she won't have to sit on the seat. Robin went through a few more stories before Howard had to go to another break.
After the break Howard came back and said that it was like a zoo out in the hall. He had some guys waiting to come in including Ted the Janitor who was there to do the ''Throw Mama from the Bus'' bit. He told Mitch to come in with the guy who made the Gay Untouchables thing.
Howard said this guy looks like George Lucas or Steven King. The guy's name is Bradford Mays but Howard thought it was Branford. Howard said he has confidence in Brad and he can't wait to see this movie. Brad said he'll be editing the movie today. They had some issues with one of the guys who got upset during a shoot in a bedroom. The guy broke down and cried according to Brad.
Howard said he's never put one of his scripts to film so he can't wait to see it. Howard moved on and introduced Ted the Janitor who was there to record some stuff for them. He pointed out that he's probably the only guy out there pushing this Black History Month thing. He said that even the black stations don't promote it as much as he does.
Howard said he worked on this thing really late the night before. He told Ted that he'd better not screw it up. Ted told Howard he got some ammonia in his eye the night before so he might have some trouble reading. Ted said he splashed some in there when he was cleaning a toilet. Howard told him it probably wasn't ammonia, it was something else.
Howard said that people who are illiterate always come up with excuses so that must be what Ted is doing. Robin suggested that they read Ted's lines to him and he'll repeat them. Then Ted admitted that he's not able to read and really is illiterate. Howard and Robin both thought that he had read stuff on the show but Ted said he hasn't.
Howard asked Jackie to hand Ted the lines so he could look them over. Ted wasn't able to read them so he had to ask Jackie what it said. Jackie fed him the line and Ted repeated it but it wasn't quite right. Howard asked him to add some emotion to the line. Ted tried it again but he was going a little too far.
Howard told Jackie to take Ted and get some of his lines recorded for this bit ''Throw Mama from the Bus'' that they were trying to create. Howard was playing Mama in this remake of ''Throw Mama From the Train.'' Howard wanted to do a few lines with Ted so he asked him to read some of his lines. Howard went into his character and Ted tried to play along. He wasn't getting all of his lines right so Howard figured that all of their writing was about to go down the drain. He had to take another break after that.
Howard said someone sent him a note saying they know where Tom Hanks is so he could try calling him. He tried calling the number he had and got put through to a guy who said that Tom had to go down to Saturday Night Live to rehearse so he wasn't around. The guy was at the Jockey Club and said that Tom knows some people there.
Howard got off the phone with that guy and got back to Ted the Janitor. He said they are going to be working on this ''Throw Mama from the Bus'' bit with Ted and will debut it at some point during Black History Month. He then went into another rehearsal with Ted. Howard went into his Mama character and had Ted reading his lines. Ted was having a lot of trouble with the lines.
Howard pretended to take a call from Lawrence Olivier who was about to jump off a bridge because of the horrible acting in that bit they just did.
Howard said he couldn't hear the bit because Ted was talking to him about how great lesbians are in bed. He said he found it hard to believe that Ted had lesbians in bed. Ted said he was very young when that happened. Howard said Ted is so old that there weren't even any lesbians back then. Ted told Howard what went on back then and how the girl's mother caught them in bed. He said there were about six of them in bed at the time, guys and girls.
Howard said that Ted might not be able to read but he does have two homes. He asked Ted about that and found out that Ted is getting into the real estate market. Ted said he can't read but he can do that stuff. He will be like a landlord for the second house he owns.
Howard said that during that bit he was listening to Ted talking about his sexual experiences and couldn't believe what he was hearing. Ted said that he was kind of crazy in his younger days. Robin said she's glad he mellowed out then.
Ted said he settled down when he was about 20 years old. Gary said he's got some years left to do that kind of stuff. Howard had to take another break a short time later.
Jerry said that he had to take a gypsy cab this morning so he probably smelled funny from the stuff that they keep in the cabs. Howard introduced him to Ted the Janitor and told him about the lesbian stories that Ted was telling them earlier.
Howard told Jerry it was an honor to have him in there after asking him if he was a millionaire yet. He said that usually Jackie is the only comedian they have in there but he's busy playing Mr. Rips while Jerry is playing real comedy clubs. Jerry said he just played Mr. Rips not too long ago though.
Howard asked Jerry if he wanted to play a radio contest. They were going to be offering a caller a trip to Atlantic City. That led to Howard talking about how scary the people are down in Atlantic City. Jerry said he's been down there and he spends time looking for custard on the boardwalk to kill time down there. He said that there are pigeons walking around on the boardwalk talking about how depressing it is down there.
Howard ended up talking to Ted a little bit about the way he cleans the toilets there. He said that Ted uses the toilet brush to clean the toilet seats in the bathroom which is kind of gross. Ted said that the stuff they put in the toilets is sanitary so it cleans the seats.
Howard took a couple of calls trying to find a woman to play this game he was going to play. He wanted a woman but one guy begged to play so Howard kept him on the line. He was going to find another player as well but it had to be a woman. He found one a minute later but she was interrupting their conversation so he had to quiet her down.
Howard got back to the woman on the phone a short time later and asked her if she would sleep with Jerry Seinfeld. She said she wasn't sure about that. She had seen him on The Tonight Show. Howard asked Jerry who he was dating and found out that he had a model as a girlfriend for a while. Howard asked Ted what he would do to a woman like that. Ted laughed and made some unintelligible comments.
Howard asked Jerry about this model he dated. Jerry joked that when you have a model, she comes with a rack of clothes so you can change her wardrobe like a doll. He also cracked some jokes about Dennis Miller but told Howard that he was just joking and likes saying that people have nothing and are going nowhere.
Howard said that they were going to play a game, then talk to Jerry for a short time. Jerry said he was there to plug an appearance he was making at Governors on Long Island. Howard told him he thought he was happening and didn't know he was going to be playing at Governors after appearing on the Tonight Show.
Jerry told Howard he grew up on Long Island and one night had his Cub Scout Den Mother stand up during his act as he was talking about being in the Cub Scouts. He said that was pretty wild and you never know who will be in the audience. Howard had to take another break a short time later.
Jerry asked Howard about his working out and why he's wearing a t-shirt without sleeves. Howard said a lot of people that come in ask him about that. He said he kind of likes the look, that's why he wears what he wears.
Howard talked about his last visit on Letterman and how that led to him getting a call from Oliver Stone. He figured he was going to offer him a job but all he wanted was some tape from his show for a movie he was working on.
Howard said he had to take another break before getting to more of Jerry and also the woman he had waiting on the phone to play a game. He said that Ted the Janitor wants to comment on the Olympics thing when they get back as well. Howard spent a couple of minutes on that subject himself. He asked Ted what he had to say about that stuff but Ted was making some strange comments and not making all that much sense. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard asked Jerry what his father did. Jerry said his father was a salesman but he kept him in a white area of Long Island. Howard said he was once choked until he just about passed out when he was a kid. He said that the kid who choked him told him that he now knows what it's like to die.
Jerry told Howard that his father passed away a few years ago. Howard thought that he was bumming everyone out so maybe he should just say that he went away somewhere for a few years. Jerry was asking Howard what's up with his hair and why anyone would want something like that. Howard said that everyone has to pick on his looks, he doesn't get that.
Howard got the two phone callers he picked earlier in the show so they could play this game he had. The two callers were arguing about who was the bigger fan. The guy was saying that Howard is more famous than Jerry is and he has no plans to go see him at Governors. Howard was ready to play this game he had planned.
Howard moved on to the game and said he was going to play one note from a song and the callers had to guess what it was. He played the one note he had from this song but there was no way they were going to guess what it was. Howard played them two notes instead. Robin said it was easy after hearing it but the woman on the phone said that it sounded like a gun shot.
Howard played three notes and it was obvious what the song was but the callers were having trouble hearing what it was. Both callers guessed that it was The Police ''Every Breath You Take'' so Howard gave them both trips to Atlantic City. He said they do some things first class around there. He had to go to break right after that.
Howard said that they have to get going soon because they have to cut that movie with Ted the Janitor. They also had a meeting to get to. Howard told Jerry about everything he had going on yesterday when he was on the phone with a bunch of people like a big media mogul.
Jerry told Howard that he was offered a network TV show but he turned it down because he didn't like it. He said he makes plenty of money and doesn't need to do anything he doesn't want to. Howard pointed out that he was on Benson one time though. Jerry said he was broke at the time and needed the money. That was about six years before and he only had 22 dollars to his name.
Jerry said he has done an HBO special and he will do more of those because he likes doing them. Howard told him he should do a pay-per-view event like he's doing. Jerry didn't know what it was so Howard explained it to him and said that he can do anything he wants on there.
Howard said that Jerry is a good guy and everyone should go see him at Governors. He then asked jerry what song he would like to hear before they leave. Jerry joked that he wanted to hear Man in the Mirror since he hadn't heard that enough. He was joking of course. Howard ended up playing a John Denver song clip and goofed on that for a short time.
Howard and Jerry spent some time talking about how odd Michael Dukakis looks. That led to them talking about George Bush and his wife Barbara and how odd she looks as well.
Howard asked jerry if it was true that he's into Scientology. Jerry said that he did study up on that a little bit and it helped him out a little bit. He said it was really good for him. Howard asked him what he learned. Jerry said he was taught about ethics and things like that. Howard told Jerry that there's no way that L. Ron Hubbard is God. Jerry said there are some good things about that religion and not everything is bad. He joked that even Satan probably has some good qualities.
Howard said he knew that he had read that Jerry was into Scientology. Jerry said it was about 10 years ago and it was in a communications course that he took. Howard said he wasn't putting him down or anything like that. Jerry said that he's into Yoga now as well because he likes being able to swallow a towel and pull it out of his ass.
Howard asked Jerry what song he wanted to hear again. Jerry wanted to hear ''Crystal Blue Persuasion'' so Howard had Fred pull that song for him. Jimmy Fink came in a short time later with the album so Howard could play it. Jimmy told him that it was the ''blotter version'' of the song but Howard had no idea what he was talking about. Howard played the song and ended the show. The show was over by about 9:20am Master Tape Theatre time.
Howard started off the show talking about how Scott the Engineer had come in and got him going before the show. He said that Scott must have to spend the weekend getting yelled at so he has to make him miserable as well. He explained how they have a digital workstation there and everyone must have been in a coma when they got it. He wanted to make the whole thing work but now he has to go to Tom and tell him what he wants to do because the engineers don't want to help him do what he wants to do.
Howard said he knows that it's possible for them to do what he wants them to do but they don't want to work with him. He said that this workstation doesn't do a very minimal task. He said they should be able to hand him a floppy disk of a sound that they play through the workstation but they claim they can't do that. He said he now has to talk to 27 people to get him what he wants. All he wanted to do was get some sound effects for his computer so he can play them on the show.
Tom Chiusano came in and tried to help by saying that they would get what they need but Howard wanted it done already. Tom said that he will talk to Richie the Engineer and see what can be done. Howard let him go but Tom came back in a short time later since Howard was still talking about him. Tom said he had to come back in and defend himself after the attack on him. Howard told him it was fine, but he had to take a break.
Howard continued to talk about the discussions he had with Scott yesterday and how he was saying his boss won't let him get what he needs to make everything work right. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard told Robin he laid down on Saturday night to watch the Larry Sanders tape. He said he's given Mike Gange a job to tape all of the shows he wants to watch. If he wants to see something he has Gange take care of that and tape shows that he wants to see. He pays him to do that.
Howard said he turned to his wife on Saturday night and told her that he wanted to watch that show. She then told him that Gange told her that he had given it to Ralph. Howard wondered why Ralph would have it. His wife told him that Gange felt bad for Ralph so he gave him the tape and Ralph would bring it in on Monday.
Howard said he got really pissed when he found all of that out. He said Gange shouldn't have given it to Ralph without checking with his assistant Laura first. Ralph came in to tell him his side of the story but Howard kicked him out.
Howard said he has a solution to all of this and he would give that to Robin in a minute. He told her to sit back and listen to this. He said that Gange gave the tape to Ralph and told him to get it to him on Monday. He said that this guy Gange should be getting smart by now but he's just slow and dim witted.
Howard said he had to get an explanation from Gange about why he would do such a thing to him. He said that Gange basically stole from him and he doesn't understand what he did. He said that Mike things that what he did was up to him when it really wasn't.
Howard said he called Mike on Saturday night and asked him where his tape was. Gange explained what he had done so Howard went off on him and asked why he would do such a thing. Gange came walking in around that time so Howard said that it's time for him to go out and work for someone else. He said that this is not an internship and he needs to use common sense.
Howard said that Ralph is one problem but Gange is a facilitator and he had no right to give away that tape. Gange said he doesn't give a S about that tape so he didn't care if Ralph had it or not. Gange said he thought that Ralph had the right to ask for such a thing from him. He claims that he told Ralph to make sure it was okay with Howard before he took the tape. He assumed that he had done that.
Howard had Ralph come back in and asked him what was going on with him. He said that it wasn't his tape to take so he had no right to do that. Gange said he assumed that Howard would let him give the tape to Ralph if he okayed it with him.
Howard told Gange that he's a dim wit and he was duped by Ralph. He also went off on Ralph about having that tape for three days when he had no right to it. Ralph said he told Gange that he should put all of the shows on one tape and he would set Howard up with a tape that he could watch. Gange said he's trying to be a nice guy to everyone. Howard told him not to bother coming to his house anymore. He said he's done with that job now.
Robin didn't think that Ralph was upset about what he had just done to Gange. Ralph said she doesn't know how he feels about anything. Howard said that Gange got so upset with him that he complained that it was on the verge of harassment. He told Gange that he is not to give anyone anything of his. He said it makes him crazy when things leave his house that he doesn't know about.
Howard continued to go off on Gange and Gange tried to defend himself saying that Ralph duped him. Ralph said he didn't dupe him, he didn't know that Howard hadn't seen that tape yet. Gange said he told Ralph that Howard hadn't seen it yet but Ralph claims he never did.
Howard told Gange that he's now relieved of his duties and doesn't have to come over to his house anymore. Gange said he gets what he did but Howard didn't think he did. He said he doesn't trust him with his stuff anymore.
Howard said Gange didn't like coming out to his house anyway so this should make him happy. Gange said he's not happy over that, he likes his job. Howard said he's told him that he would like his hours to slow down so now he can go and relax. Ralph pointed out that Gange keeps moving farther and farther away from Howard's house too so he must not want that job. Howard said that Gange should go work for his father like his brothers do.
Howard told Gange he could go but he was standing there speechless. He told Robin that he's obviously not into his job and he is a little dim witted. He also said that Gange has asked for less hours so now it's time to say goodbye.
Gange and Ralph argued a little more about their problems with each other. Howard told Gange that he does have his E! job to go to so he shouldn't worry about losing this job. He said he could train someone to replace him in 10 minutes so it's no big loss. He told Gange to go to the beach today instead of coming out to his place. He said he's already hired a monkey to replace him. Gange cracked a joke about it being Gary so Howard told him not to goof on Gary.
Howard continued to complain about what Gange did to him for a while after letting him leave the studio. Robin was piling on top of him and Ralph as well. Howard said he told his assistant Laura that Gange was basically telling them that he couldn't handle the job. He was supposed to have checked with her before doing anything like that.
Fred got in on the goofing when he started doing his impression of Gange interviewing guests in the green room. Howard said that whole thing made him nuts over the weekend. Robin said that she feels that something really bad happened here and Gange didn't realize he was jeopardizing his job with that mistake he made. Howard said that Gange is now fired from that job and he's no longer coming to his house. This is not like all the times that he's fired Gary. He had to go to break after that.
Howard said that Jaid looked unreal in her Playboy layout. Gary asked Howard if he wanted to talk about this Mancow guy. Howard continued to talk about Jaid for a short time and said that he's hoping that she gets naked for them today. He spent a short time wondering about what went down between Jaid and her daughter Drew. He said it must have been pretty crazy.
Howard mentioned that this guy Mancow from Chicago returned to the air waves and mentioned his name on the air saying that people were taking advantage of his unfortunate situation. Howard figures they were trying to take the high road over there and tried not to mention his name. Gary said that Mancow was talking about his dad a lot on the air.
howard said he heard that Mancow was on the air this morning talking about how he had never heard of Howard Stern because of where he had grown up. Howard said the guy is probably talking in that loud voice of his. He also said that he was banging on teh microphone trying to get his point across, just like he does when he gets angry. Howard also mentioned that this guy Turd was going to come over and crap in their station's lobby or something.
Howard siad that this guy Larry Wert is really pissed that he wished cancer upon him. Howard said the guy is a scumbag and a nut job and he's not nuts for wishing that upon him. Howard said this guy Mancow is also nuts claimign that he's never heard of him wehn he's doing the same stuff he used to do in his interviews. Gary asked if he wanted to call the guy. Howard told him to do call him adn see if the guy has the balls to come on the air and confront him.
Howard told Gary what to say and listened in as Gary was making the call. Gary was put on hold for a little while. He waited for someone to get on the phone while Howard continued to goof on the guy. Howard said this guy sends him all of this stuff in the mail but he apparently doesn't have the balls to come on the air with him. Gary had Mancow on the phone so he tried to convince him to get on the air. Mancow agreed to it so Howard put him on the air a short time later.
Howard told Mancow that he didn't have to be so upset about losing his father. Mancow said he couldn't do this right then because he wasn't on the air himself. Mancow then got on the air and said that people in Chicago hate people from New York but Howard doesn't realize that. Howard and Mancow then went back and forth with each other talking over each other and trying to control what was going out over the air.
Howard told Mancow that he was his bitch and he sent him a pink dress because he's such a pussy. Mancow tried to talk but Howard wasn't letting him get in a word and Mancow wasn't letting Howard get a word out on his show. Mancow's people were cheering for him as he attempted to bitch slap Howard verbally. He wasn't listening to a word Howard was saying and Howard wasn't listening to him either.
Howard told Mancow to continue drowning him out with sound effects. Howard said his dead daddy doesn't feel bad because his real daddy is there now. Mancow ended up hanging up on him as he was yelling at him. Howard said he hopes his show dies and Chicago gives them all the ratings.
Robin was still going off on the guy saying that she would kick his ass herself. She was pissed that he was calling her ''Aunt Tom'' while he was on with them. Gary said that Mancow didn't want to be embarrassed so he didn't let any of his words out on the air. All they heard was Mancow yelling at Howard and nothing else.
Billy West was doing his impression of Mancow going off on Howard. Howard said that if Mancow's guy Turd shows up to their station in Chicago, they should just throw him out a window. Howard said he knew that he wasn't on the air with Mancow.
Howard had some audio of Mancow talking about his show during an interview and claiming that he's always honest on his show and that's why people love him. Howard said he's just a dick and he can't wait to hold his funeral. He doesn't know what kind of bit that guy is trying to do. Howard said he's got to get out of this industry because now he's battling his imitators.
Howard took a call from a guy who changed subjects to OJ Simpson. That led to Howard talking about how Johnny Cochran was out yelling about freeing OJ. They had people cheering for a murderer to be released. Howard said he doesn't get that at all. He said he can't imagine that the jury will find him guilty though. He said he sees the evidence that he is guilty but the jury won't find that he is. Howard said that OJ could confess to the murders and the jury would still find him innocent. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard said it doesn't matter where a radio show comes from just like it doesn't matter where a TV show comes from. He said it was time to get off of that track because Jaid Barrymore was there.
Howard said that Jaid claims to be talking to her daughter Drew again. He said that she's in Playboy and looks really good. He said she's showing everything in her layout too. He asked Robin what kind of bra she was wearing because it looked like it was only half a bra. Robin said it looked like she just had the straps tied down and it was a regular bra.
Jaid came in so Howard said that she sent him a love letter saying that he was the best thing in her life next to her daughter Drew. Howard said that she was in there not too long ago and she really liked being on the show. Howard told her that he likes her layout in Playboy and asked her some questions about that. He described a few of her pictures and said she looks really good.
Howard asked Jaid if she was wearing any panties today. He wanted her to show him what she had going on down there. She was wearing a jacket too so Howard asked her what that was all about. She said the last time she was on the show she got a lot of flack for the stuff she talked about. Howard and Robin said that the book she was promoting was about sex so that means nothing. Jaid said that the jacket was her ''credibility jacket'' so people would think of her as a valid author. Howard told her to take it off so that's what she did.
Howard asked Jaid if she has implants. Jaid said they are not implants and you can tell in her pictures because they hang to the side when she's laying down. Howard said she's got nice boobs and they're pretty tight for a 49 year old. She was also nicely groomed down below.
Howard said that Jaid sent him this love letter saying that she was thinking about him sexually. She said that she's got a boyfriend so Howard figures that she was just putting him on with that letter she sent. He asked to see her panties for her to prove that she's serious about him. Jaid went over to him and showed him what she had going on down there. Howard asked to touch her leg so she let him do that as well.
Jaid said she works out like 6 days a week to stay in shape. She also gave Howard some kisses and told him he was like a little boy the way he was acting. He said he wanted to come over to her hotel room to hang out with her after that.
Howard asked Jaid about her daughter and what went wrong with their relationship. He said it seemed like she had become obsessed with her life when she got famous and kind of drove her away. Jaid talked a little bit about that while Howard was grabbing her ass. Jaid said that she failed as a mother and Drew would do anything to stay away from her. She would stay at her friends houses and stuff like that just to avoid her.
Jaid told Howard that she loves kissing his neck and wanted to do it some more. Howard let her do that a little more and said he wanted to have her stay under his console. He told her she needs a work out from him and would love his hands all over her.
Robin said that she would like to hear Jaid's story about Drew, not Howard talking to her that way. Jaid said that she and Drew have reconciled and she was thrilled with her appearance on Howard's show the last time. Howard asked Jaid where she met her daughter and if she cried when she met her.
Howard said that if he was with Jaid he would put her in a bath and clean her first. He'd wash her down then he'd get her on the bed and she wouldn't even see his face for an hour. He would spend that time pleasuring her. after she said she couldn't take anymore he would keep going. Then he would wait until she was aching for a man and give it to her really slow. He said he would be very tender with her though. Then he would chop her head off because he'd be afraid that she'd tell his wife.
Howard said he would start all over again after doing her once. He said that he loves the foreplay and could please her like she's never been pleased. He said he would tease her a lot and he'd have her wriggling around a lot in his bed. He said all they have to do is get rid of his wife and they could be together.
Howard said he thinks he was born with this knowledge of how to please a woman. He's naturally sensual. He got back to her story about Drew after that and wanted to know how they got back together. Jaid said they wrote for a while, then they started talking on the phone. After that they figured it was time to meet so they went to a restaurant. Jaid said that she and Drew were together for 5 or 6 hours. Drew paid for the food they had but it was mostly just chips and drinks.
Howard started to rub Jaid's butt during that discussion. He asked her if she liked that. She said she didn't wear any stockings this time because that's what she did the last time she was on. She got back to her story and told Robin more about what went on with Drew when they met. She said that she and Drew laughed and cried together and had a good time.
Howard told Jaid that he thinks someone spilled some Elmers Glue on his leg, he wasn't sure what happened. He told Jaid that she looked really good in Playboy and pointed out some of his favorite pictures. He asked her if she's ever had any lesbian experiences. She said she already told him about some of those the last time she was on.
Jaid said that she's got some job offers out there and one of them is to have her own column in Playboy. Howard told Jaid he wanted to get through this interview so he got back to the Drew story. He wondered what exactly had gone on at that meeting. She told Howard that the meeting took place about a month after she was on with Howard because Drew had heard the interview. She said that they haven't seen each other since then but they've both been busy. She said they are going to meet again soon.
Jaid said she told Drew about her Playboy layout and that really surprised her at first. She eventually congratulated her on the whole thing though. Howard told Jaid he had to wrap up. He said that maybe Drew will do the show sometime but she's been doing some real clunker movies lately. He asked Jaid what cup size she is and told her that he likes what he sees.
Howard told Jaid he thinks she's a dirty girl. He said that Robin likes to get smacked around a bit. He wrapped up and asked Jaid if she wanted to show him anything else before she left. She let him take a whiff of her perfume before she left. He told her she did smell good and then wrapped up and went to break.
Jackie went over and took a whiff and said that she's a nice lady. Howard asked the guys if they wanted to smell his leg. Billy said he could smell it from where he was sitting. Fred went over and took a smell but Robin didn't want to do it.
Howard said that he thinks Jaid was getting excited sitting on his leg. He said that he was telling Jaid that what she had dripping down there was ''Oojamain'' which is ''nature's honey'' for a woman. Robin told the guys they were all gay for bending down and smelling Howard's leg. Howard said that wasn't gay at all, it's only gay when they smell his leg and he hasn't had a woman on there.
Howard had Robin tell a story about something she had read in a tabloid magazine. She said they went to some psychic friends network fans and one of them was Wolfman Jack who had just passed away. She said they should have warned him that he was going to die.
Howard asked Robin how old she is. She just turned 43 so Howard told her she doesn't look it. Robin was still upset that Howard didn't get her a gift. Howard insisted that he had but she said it wasn't from him. Howard said that she's getting tickets and a night out on the town from his family. Howard told her she was insane and wondered how many times she had been 43 years old.
Howard had some crazy ideas for this bit so Robin told him he was nuts. He was giving the plot of this movie but stopped himself saying that he's not sure if he should continue. He got right back into the description. He was laughing at the idea of the whole thing. He had OJ using Nicole and Ron as his ''Bernie'' with his buddy AC helping him make it seem like Nicole and Ron are still alive.
The caller Howard had on the line wanted to try and Stump the Joke Man but Howard ignored his request and continued to tell his ideas for this bit he was coming up with. He said he wanted to make a whole movie out of this idea, not just a bit. He said it was going to be an hour and a half long movie. Gary came in a short time later and told Howard that they've had many offers to put up money for something like this. One of those guys was on the phone.
Howard took the call from this guy Frank who said he would like to do this right to video and he thinks that Howard should just go ahead and do it. Howard didn't want to give the guy any percentage of the money they make from this thing. He let him go a short time later.
Howard said he called his agent about this movie and he told him he was crazy. Howard thinks his agent just doesn't understand. Howard said that at one point OJ goes to get some punch and Nicole's head ends up in the punch bowl. He said he was giving away too much describing so much of the movie but he didn't stop. He said that the big joke in the movie is Nicole's head constantly falling off during the movie.
Howard said that in one scene OJ takes Ron and Nicole fishing. Then there's another scene where Ron's glasses keep falling off so OJ has to staple them to his head to keep them on. He said when they go fishing, OJ has to nail Nicole's feet to the bottom of the boat to keep her from falling out. Then OJ ends up killing the captain of the boat so he won't suspect anything was wrong with Nicole and Ron.
Howard continued to give more and more ideas for this movie. He took a call from a guy who said he would buy the video if he put it out. He took some more phone calls and asked people if they would like to see it. The fans seemed interested in seeing the movie.
Howard said that in the end OJ is discovered but he gets a black jury and they let him off... So there's a happy ending in the movie. He said that was all pre-production stuff. Robin said she doesn't think this will ever get made, but if he does make it, they should wait until OJ gets off. Howard said he had to go to break after that.
Howard asked how Gange was doing after he fired him earlier in the morning. Robin said he wasn't asking for his job back so maybe he was fine. Howard asked Gange to come in so he could talk to him. He figured Gange was happy since it did seem like he wanted to be out of that job.
Gange came in and said that he is happy but he was being sarcastic. He said he did want that job to go away eventually but not right now. Howard said he was complaining about it 6 months ago so why not accept it now. Gary came in and said that Gange is pretty much glad it's done but he's also upset that he's letting Howard down, he wanted to see the whole thing through.
Howard told Gange not to feel bad about it, it was time for him to go anyway. Gange said he works a lot of hours and it was kind of tough. Howard figures that he's giving Gange what he wants but Gange said it's not exactly what he wanted.
Gange said he was getting the vibe that Howard was angry but Howard told him he's not angry at all. Howard told him that he's free now and he can go do whatever he wants now. He can't keep him in his womb anymore, it's time to give birth to this guy Gange. He told him ''The world is your oyster fatso...'' and insisted that he wasn't mad.
Howard let Gange go and told Robin that was his right hand man that just left. He said that anyone who messes up should just leave and get out of his sight. He's not going to be anyone's whipping boy anymore. Robin said she can't wait for Gary to screw up again then. She asked if any offense will get someone fired. Howard said that is the case and he will fire anyone who screws up. He asked her to start her news after that.
After taking a break Howard came back and talked about how he would like to see MTV come out with a 24 hour a day dance channel. He loves watching the dance shows on that channel. He said that they could have shows for different age groups but they have to keep them under the age of 30.
Robin told Howard that she is really bothered by something and she wasn't sure if she should bring it up on the air. She wondered if she could say how she feels and not have it go any further. Howard told her to go ahead and do it. Robin said that she doesn't want to discuss it off the air so she asked Howard to keep it on the air.
Robin told Howard that she hasn't observed her birthday and she's kind of upset about that because she has done so many things for him in the past. She said that she wants to end any fake observance of her birthday now and just drop it.
Howard told Robin that it's not her place to tell someone what her birthday gift is or isn't. He said this shows that she is not cured. He said that he and his wife picked out her gift and that's what happened. Robin isn't happy with that and doesn't think Howard had anything to do with the gift. Howard said that Robin has some nerve telling him she's not happy with the gift. He said that's the gift he was going to give her and if she doesn't want it, he'll take it back.
Howard told Robin there's no difference if he hands her a gift he bought or of his wife bought it. He paid for it, it's from him. Robin still didn't think that he had put any thought into it. Howard said that he once picked out some jewelry for her and she didn't like that either. He told her it was too late now, she's not getting her Cookie Puss ice cream cake.
Howard said that Robin should ask people close to her if those thoughts of hers are healthy. He said that it's really rude to comment on a gift that way. Robin said that this was on her mind all day long and she had to talk about it. She said she's not angry, she just didn't think the gift was thoughtful. Howard said this is some way to thank him on her birthday.
Howard was going to get her something today and give it to her tomorrow but she didn't want him doing that either. Howard was going to take some phone calls but mumbled ''anti-semite'' under his breath. Robin said that wasn't very nice, she's not anti-semitic. She told Howard that if someone confronted her about something like that, she wouldn't call them names and make fun of them like that. Robin realized that she can't discuss things with Howard like she thought she could.
Howard wanted to get some other opinions about this situation but Robin said she doesn't respect Tom Chiusano enough to take his advice. Gary came in and asked Robin if she was for real. She insisted that she was. Howard said he did the best he could with the gift and really put some thought into it. Robin didn't agree. Gary said that some callers are agreeing with Robin and saying that he pawned off the gift giving to his wife.
Gary said that other people on the show didn't even remember it was Robin's birthday today. Howard always remembers. Robin told Howard that if it was a bother to him, he shouldn't get her anything. Howard said he never said it was a bother.
Howard told Robin to give up her gift and he'll go find something else for her. She said she didn't want to do that but said that Howard has not observed her birthday the way she observes his birthday. Robin wouldn't back down and kept going off on him for his lack of thought.
Gary said that some callers think that Robin is going through the change of life so that's why she's acting the way she is. Howard said he's done talking about this and he has plenty to do today so he wanted to move on. Robin wasn't quite done and continued to go off on him.
Fred tried playing Robin's news theme music to get her back into the news but she was still talking about the gift. She told Howard that this was her payback for what he did to her with Clarence Clemens. Howard asked Billy a question during that discussion but he asked not to be brought into the argument.
Robin got back to her news and pretended that nothing had happened. Howard said he promised that he would do better at Christmas time. Howard mentioned that this guy Bobby who was working with Kato Kaelin turns out to be this guy who won a song parody contest they held when they were out in Los Angeles. He said the guy went out there to L.A. with them and ended up staying out there. Howard played his song parody but it was really bad and both he and Robin wondered how he could have won.
The gift thing came up again late in the show when Howard was going off on Martin Sheen for some comments he made about the dropping of the bomb on Hiroshima. He couldn't quite get over that fight that he and Robin had just had. Robin finished up her news so Howard and the guys sang ''Happy Birthday'' to her quickly. Robin said that Fred had sent her a card but it was something that he had scribbled on a piece of white paper. Fred said he did come up with that on his own though.
Howard gave Robin a plug for her book ''Quivers, A Life'' and then ended the show around 9:55am (Master Tape Theatre time).