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Howard started off the show and played the latest rap song from Grover who wraps up the previous week's Howard Stern Show with his rap songs. Howard heard one part where Grover reminded him of the Steve Langford prank call the guys made. He was also reminded of Underdog Lady's appearance and the voice mail she left after that where she talked about how upset she was about the stuff they brought up during her phone call. He played that voice mail and talked about her for a short time.
Howard said that there were a ton of people on the phone who wanted to talk about Artie since the Yankees are out of the playoffs. He made a bet with Chris Kanyon last week where one of them would make out with Blue Iris if their team didn't go farther than the other's did in the series. Chris had the Mets and Artie had the Yankees.
Artie said that he was out watching the game at his friend's bar over the weekend and he was really bummed out when he saw how easy they went down. Howard said that he's been reading that people are saying that it's time for Joe Torre to go. Artie said he doesn't think it's time for him to go and he thinks that they'll keep him around for another year.
Howard said he was reading about the problems that A-Rod has had with Derek Jeter and that may be one of the reasons that he's doing so poorly on the team. Gary came in and filled Artie in on that since he seemed like he didn't know what Howard was talking about. Artie spent some time talking about how if anyone has to go from that team it has to be A-Rod.
Howard asked Artie if the Yankees have become that team that makes it to the playoffs and will never make it to the World Series again. Artie said they haven't won since 2000 but they're not like the Chicago Cubs. He and Gary spent some time arguing about the team and whether or not there's a rift in the team that's ruining them or not. Artie said they're a great team but they're just not getting into the Series.
Howard reminded Artie about who he was going to have to make out with when he showed him a picture of Blue Iris. Howard told him that she looks like a man wearing a wig. He also had a new prank call that the guys made using Blue Iris audio clips and had her talking to Gary the Retard. She asked him what size penis he had and told him that she was getting really hot. She wanted to help make him cum so she had him pull out his testicles. Gary didn't seem to have a clue that they were goofing on him. Gary was asking her how old she was but the guys didn't have a clip for that so they had her saying ''Yeah'' over and over again.
Artie said he couldn't even laugh at that anymore because of the bet he had made. Howard told Artie he may like making out with her, you never know. He asked him how he's going to get through that and actually make out with her. Artie asked when they're going to make that happen. Howard didn't know when they were going to set that up. They have to check with Chris Kanyon to see when he's available.
Howard played a voice mail that Blue Iris left where she says that she's looking for some fans to get involved in her next porn movie. She said something about having two guys doing stuff together. Howard got Blue on the phone a short time later and asked her if she knows what's going on. She knew that Artie was going to be making out with her. Artie asked her how her hygiene was and if she brushes her teeth. Howard said she has no teeth, she takes them out and washes them. She said she has her own teeth and she does brush them. She also takes a shower every day. Artie asked her to wash her mouth out with a bunch of chemicals when she comes in. She said she would.
Artie was also suggesting that Blue could back out of this deal if she wanted to. She sounded like she was into it though so Artie may have to go through with the whole thing. Artie told her to make sure she doesn't die before this happens because he'd hate not to be able to go through with it. Blue said she'll make sure that doesn't happen. Blue also told the guys that her boyfriend Blitz will be listening when they do it.
Howard said that next week they have a Blue Iris documentary coming out on Howard TV. They may bring her in next week to talk about that. Blue told the guys that her boyfriend Blitz is one of the owners of Scores. He lives in New York so he has to fly out to California to visit her. Howard asked her if Blitz is blind. She said he's not blind, he's 73 years old.
Howard let Blue go and took some phone calls for Artie. A guy called in from Boston and told Artie to let Blue Iris stick her finger in his ass. Artie said he's not even sure how he's going to approach this whole thing. He said he may be the aggressor in the whole thing. Artie said that he may have to get some heroin for that day so he can get through that. He said that's the kind of thing Heroin was made for. Howard told him that they may let him drink that morning so he can get through it.
Howard said that he beat off to this porn chick Carmen Luvana last night. Beth was away so he pulled out a DVD that Carmen is in and beat off to it. He said he's not into the chicks who are spitting on each other but he did get off on that DVD.
Howard had another Blue Iris voice mail where she told a joke to Richard. It wasn't funny and Howard said she's got a hell of a way of telling a story.
Howard asked Artie if he's depressed that the Yankees lost this weekend. Artie said he is depressed but he's not depressed enough to get back on Heroin. Howard played a song parody that the guys wrote about Artie snorting heroin. That led to Howard playing some voice mail that fans left goofing on Artie over the whole Blue Iris bet. He said the voice mail was packed with that stuff. He said they got a ton of e-mail about it as well.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that when Artie was betting on the Yankees last week he was really pissed because he knew he was jinxing them. Howard said maybe that was what jinxed them.
Howard took a call from a woman who went off on him about the article that he read about the Yankees earlier in the morning. Howard ended up getting pissed because she wouldn't stop talking when he was trying to respond to her. He told her that's the reason she will never keep a man because she doesn't stop talking.
Howard got into the Yankees discussion again and the woman kept talking over Artie as he was trying to explain what he was trying to explain. Howard said that it's very unsexy to hear a woman trying to comment on baseball. He said he was trying to watch a football game over the weekend and they had a woman reporter during the game and she had absolutely nothing to add to it.
Howard said he tried to watch the Jets over the weekend and they were horrible. He was also watching the Steelers game. Artie said that the Jets were really bad this weekend and they lost 41 to 0. Howard said he tried watching the Steelers but he had to watch last week's Smallville episode. He didn't understand how he got a cold during that episode. He said that the woman who plays Lois Lane, Erica Durance, on that show is coming in today.
Howard said he has no awareness of what he's doing. Doug said that it happens during interviews mostly. Howard said he sits in that chair for 5 hours and only takes one bathroom break per show so he has to pick his nose and things like that. He said he picks them out and flicks them. He said he sometimes forgets that the cameras are there and just picks and flicks. Doug said he's never seen him flick a booger, he's seen him stick his thumb up there but not actually take something out.
Eric said that the voice mails he left were better than this phone call. He also asked Artie how he can try to get out of paying off a bet when they won't let him off the hook as far as that balloon thing. Artie said that at least he's never welched on a bet and told Eric that he should come in and just do the balloon thing.
Howard asked Eric if he has seen that cartoon that aired on Howard TV yet. Eric did see it and he's not happy about it. Howard thinks the cartoon character looks just like him but Eric said ''No it doesn't.'' like even he wasn't convinced it didn't look like him.
The Howard TV guys were showing the cartoon as they were talking about it and Howard noticed that there was a ''I've got the Mc Pheever'' poster on his wall. Eric said that he doesn't have anything like that in his apartment, he has just a couple of American Idol things in his room and that's not one of them.
Howard said that he'd like Kevin Lofton to animate the Bitter Half show that Sam Simon created. He said they really have to get that show on the air because so many things change on the show so fast.
Howard asked Gary when they're going to set up the Blue Iris thing with Artie. Gary asked if they should do it just for themselves or have a small audience. Howard said it might be good to have an audience. Artie said he may just go fuck her instead of kiss her because it might be less disgusting to him. Robin said that would be funny. Howard said he couldn't bring himself to do that with her.
Howard said that Erica Durance was there and he talked about how he was checking out some nude shots of her over at MrSkin.com last night before he watched Smallville. Gary told him that it looks like her boobs have gotten bigger since then. Howard said she must have gotten implants. He had to go to break a short time later.
After the break Howard was listening to a bumper that Fred played and wondered where it came from. JD came in to let him know where he got it but he was mumbling so the guys ended up goofing on him. Howard was also wondering if JD had gotten together with that Porn Chick Kimberly Kane (KaneArmy.com) again this weekend. JD said he did talk to her on the phone but that was it. Howard and Fred goofed on JD's mumbling for a short time. Howard said he wants JD to tape his calls or tape himself having sex with her.
Howard asked Erica if she's married. She said she's married to the guy that he was goofing on her about 2 years ago when she was on the show last. She said this is actually her second marriage. She said she got married at 18 and then got married at 25. Howard said he doesn't think it will last even though she has been married for a few years now. She doesn't think it's going to end but Howard said he thinks that it's still going to fall apart.
Erica said that her husband just got done working on the Spike TV show 'Blade.' Robin said that's too bad because it just got canceled. Howard was a fan of the show and was watching it.
Howard read that Erica likes to be nude around her house so he was wondering what that was all about. She explained how she grew up in a really conservative home and she wanted to be free in her home so that's why she does it. She sometimes eats naked with her husband. Howard said she's a nudist so he wondered what other types of things they do naked. She said that they will sit around and watch TV naked and things like that. They will eat breakfast naked and just walk around the house nude. She said they live in a wooded area on the side of a mountain so they could run through the woods naked if they wanted to.
Howard wondered how many of Erica's friends come over and sit around naked in their house. Erica said that's kind of blown out of proportion. She said that the friends that do that have known her for a long time. Howard told Erica that this is not a good interview because she's not helping him out by telling him why she does this. She said that people don't get weirded out by it and the people kind of expect it when they come over.
Erica said that she will invite people over and tell them that it's clothing optional. She will answer the door with an apron on but nude underneath it. Howard tried to get details out of her but Erica didn't seem to think it was a big deal and wasn't cooperating with him. Howard wondered if she's uptight about it or something. She said she thought she was coming in to talk about this movie she was promoting, ''The Butterfly Effect 2.'' Howard said ''Fuck the movie'' and asked her more about the nudist thing. He said he would get to that later.
Howard asked Erica what's up with the nudity thing and what goes on at her house during that. She said that it's just a freedom thing and there's nothing weird going on. Howard was still trying to make sense of it all but he just couldn't figure it out.
Howard asked Erica if all of the dudes that come to her house have big dicks. She said she doesn't pay attention to that stuff but Howard found that hard to believe. He said she has to see small dicks and judge them. He said that he would look at her boobs and say that she has nice ones. Artie asked Erica if she would invite him to her house and tell him that he could be clothing optional. He was just as fascinated by this discussion as Howard is.
Howard and Artie both think that the guys who show up to her house must be good looking because ugly guys wouldn't be allowed to get naked in front of her. Howard asked her if some people keep their clothes on. Erica said that some people keep their clothes on and that's the way things are up in Canada. Howard said she seems to be kind of uptight about all of this.
Erica told Howard about how she and her husband did an interview with FHM magazine where they talked about a couple of nude parties they had and it came out like they were having them every weekend. Artie asked her what the percentage of nude people is if they have like 20 people to their house. She said that maybe 14 or 15 of them will be naked. She also said that it's all for good fun. Howard tried to picture what goes on there and asked her what would happen when he shows up. He found out that she and her husband would be nude already when the guests show up. Howard asked how the people get naked and where they do it. Erica said that people go to a coat room and get naked there. She said that they can walk around in their underwear if they want. She said that the guys are usually the ones who keep their underwear on.
Howard said he would get so shriveled up if he did that. He asked Erica if she shaves down fresh for the party. She said she likes to keep that a mystery and doesn't talk about it. Howard had Wendy the Retard on the phone because she wanted to go to one of these parties. She was saying she would go and she would like to have sex at the party. Erica said there is no sex going on at her parties. There is flirting going on but no sex.
Howard asked if anyone pops a boner at the party. Erica said that there might be some guys who get aroused but the people who go to nudist beaches and stuff on a regular basis don't get hard. She said she would give Howard a cup if he needed one to keep his boner down. Howard said he's blown out by this whole thing and what the etiquette must be.
Erica said that the point of the party is not to have an orgy, it's just to have fun. Howard said he still doesn't get it and said that there must be a big chunk of the story being left out. Erica wanted out of this part of the interview and wanted to talk about something else. Howard told her she's too uptight about it and she should loosen up. Howard asked her if she has any of her co-stars from Smallville over to her parties. She said she doesn't do that at all.
Sal came in and told Erica that she has to step it up or get the fuck out of there. He asked her if she's familiar with how the show works. Richard also said that they want to see some titites or something. They said that they're also nudists and wanted to get naked but Howard told them to get out. Sal told her one last time that she really does need to step it up or get out.
Howard seemed to agree that the interview wasn't going very well. He kicked them out and talked about Smallville. He said he doesn't understand how Superman gets a cold. Erica said that she just gets the script and does the job, she has no idea how he got a cold. Robin said that episode didn't make any sense.
Howard gave Erica a plug for this movie ''The Butterfly Effect 2'' which is coming out on DVD tomorrow. She explained the movie to Howard but he apparently never heard of it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the guys are missing the point of these parties. He said that someone like Howard would never be invited to a party like this is because he would get a boner from seeing people naked. Howard said that he hasn't met one human being who isn't judgmental and he wouldn't go to a party where people are going to laugh at him. He knows that it's not going to happen at the party but people will laugh at him after the party.
The caller said that Sal and Richard would never be invited to a party like that either and he isn't judgmental. Robin figured he was trying to get an invite to one of Erica's parties. After taking a call from a guy who was snoring because he was bored, Howard wrapped up with Erica, gave her another plug for this movie and went to commercial break.
Howard said he never talks to people about the movies that they're promoting. Gary said that she wasn't angry from what he could tell. He said that she was kind of surprised that the whole interview was about that one thing when there were so many other things to talk about. Howard said she doesn't seem to have much of a sense of humor.
Gary said she was just surprised that they focused on that one thing when there are so many other things in her life that they could talk about. She didn't say she was upset with the interview though. Artie said he doubts that she would be honest with them even if she was upset. Howard had to finish up his StubHub.com commercial after that.
Gary said he just got a message from Jason that said Erica just left abruptly and she was on the verge of crying. She also wouldn't speak to Lisa G. Ronnie came in and told Howard that Erica was hysterically crying by the time she hit the front door. Howard couldn't believe that and said that he found her to be fun while she was there. Robin said that Sal and Richard's comments didn't help.
Richard said that it wasn't their idea to come in there, it was Doug and some other people. Howard said it didn't fly with him for them to come in like that. Sal told Howard that she stunk in there so ''fuck her.'' Howard told him to get out and that he doesn't need their help with the show. Howard told Gary to run it by him from now on if he wants to send them in there. Gary took a little bit of the responsibility for that whole thing himself. He said it wasn't all Doug. Gary said that the feeling out there was that the interview was dying so they were trying to help.
Howard told him to send him a note and asked him what the fuck is wrong with him. He said he doesn't care what his thought process is and didn't need an explanation. Howard said he has no control over it when Richard and Sal come barging into the studio without him knowing. He sent Gary out of the studio and went into his Baba Booey impression for a few seconds. They had to finish up the commercials after that.
Chris Kanyon called in to talk about the bet he had with Artie last week. He ended up winning and that means Artie has to make out with Blue Iris. Chris said he was shocked that it was over so quickly. He had a feeling the Yanks were going to win it all. Artie asked Chris how much it was going to cost him not to make out with Blue Iris. Chris said he couldn't do that and couldn't give up that bet. The people at the SternFanNetwork apparently want him to go through it and he can't give up on the bet.
Chris told Howard not to feel bad about what they did to Erica. He said he would have felt really bad if he was a yawn on the show. Artie said that Chris handled Sal and Richard by beating the crap out of them. Chris asked when that episode is going to air on Howard TV. Doug Goodstein came in and said that they're going to air that show in a couple of weeks and they'll be sure to let them know when it's available.
Chris asked Artie when it sunk in that he was going to have to make out with Blue Iris. Artie said he was talking with his buddies about the Yanks going through the whole series. Chris said that Artie should come up with some other bet if he wants to get some revenge with him. He said that maybe they could do a bet about the Mets winning the series or something. Artie just wants to get out of this bet somehow.
Chris told Artie that if he needs the suicide hot line number, he has it on speed dial in his cell phone so he can give it to him anytime. He's had some problems with that himself so he can help Artie out if he needs it.
Howard played the Blue Iris prank call that he played earlier today. He spent a minute talking about that and then read that North Korea had announced that they set off their nuclear bomb test. That led to the guys talking about that for a few minutes.
Howard had Lisa G get back to her Howard 100 News preview. She said that they heard that Artie is upset that SIRIUS wants to air his comedy show with Dice Clay live on the air. Artie said they are in negotiations at this time. He didn't know that they wanted to air it on the radio. Artie said that Tim Sabean didn't tell him he wanted to do that so he really had no idea. Tim came in and said that he had nothing to do with it, Dice was the one who put it all together.
Howard said he heard from Tim that Dice and Artie wanted to do the whole thing but he didn't arrange it. Artie said that Dice called him and said he wanted him to do another show with him and he agreed to it not knowing he wanted to do the live airing. Gary came in and said that Dice talked to him about it as well and he thought that Artie was in for it. Artie said that he's working on new material and this isn't the right time for him to air his stuff so he doesn't want to do it at this time. He said that in the future he might do it.
Howard said it seems that whenever he and Dice do something together it turns into a nightmare. Artie said that it was just a lack of communication. He said he has no problem if Dice wants to air his act, he's just not going to be airing his own stuff.
Lisa G let Howard know that the Killers of Comedy have added Jackie the Joke Man to the list of comedians who are going around the country touring (Levy called in later saying that wasn't true). They will also have a story about what Sal did on his birthday. Howard let her go after that.
Rev. Bob Levy called in and told Howard that Jackie never agreed to do those shows so he's not on the Killers of Comedy tour like Lisa G was reporting. Howard thanked him for the call and let him go.
Howard took another call from a guy who told Artie that he had better love the shit out of Blue Iris when he makes out with her on the show. Howard asked Artie what's going on with his love life. Artie said there's nothing going on and he hasn't gotten laid in quite a while now. Howard asked Gary when they're going to do the dating game for Artie. Gary said they have to talk about it today.
Gary said that Howard wanted to be part of the discussion because he doesn't trust his taste. Howard said that's right because he sometimes picks chicks that he thinks are hot and they end up looking like Blue Iris. Howard let the caller go and got back to JD who was still in the studio. He was laughing like a mental patient for some reason. JD told Howard to play some more of the Dr. Laura clips from Larry King's show. Dr. Laura told Larry about how she thinks women should be whores for their husbands.
Howard said that Fred said that some day JD is going to be up on a roof somewhere with a shot gun and his problem will be that the negotiators won't know what he's saying to them. He created that situation and made up the phone call that will go on between JD and a negotiator. He was mumbling like JD does and goofing on him for a few minutes.
Howard said he would like to ask Erica what she was so upset about and why she was crying. He had no idea that this was going to be the mind blowing interview of her day. Eric was still saying that he thinks Katherine McPhee would have the same reaction. Howard said she's probably got a better sense of humor than Erica does and she wouldn't leave there crying.
The guys talked about how Artie broke down and cried on the show recently as well. Howard played the Artie doing heroin song parody that he played earlier in the show. They goofed on him a little more and then Eric referenced a CSI Miami episode where Artie's name was on a death pool list. Howard thanked him for the call and hung up on him after that.
Bob was asking Artie what's going on with him and what his problem is. He was trying to ask him questions but he couldn't say much more than ''What's goin' on wit you?'' Artie wasn't able to talk to him with him talking to him face to face. Bob told Artie that he should be going to meetings to make sure he doesn't fall into the trap of drugs and alcohol. Bob said he goes to four AA meetings every week.
Bob told Artie that if he goes to the other meetings he will be a mess and AA is the right thing for him. Artie told him that he'll take his number and call him if he feels he needs his help. Bob wrote down his number and handed it over to him. Howard said he writes like a 4 year old after seeing the number written down.
Howard said he loves the prank call Bob made to the Chinese food place. He played that call after bringing it up. They all got a few laughs out of that. Howard replayed it to try and figure out what food Bob was trying to order during the call.
Howard played another call that Richard and Sal made using clips of Crackhead Bob. They called G. Gordon Liddy's show and had Bob talking to Liddy while he was over in Israel one time. There was also a Jack and Rod show that Sal and Richard did with Crackhead Bob where he asked an author questions and the guy had no idea what he was saying.
Howard took a call from Bong Hit Eric who asked if Bob was normal before the stroke. Bob said he was normal and he thought there was some tape of him back when he was normal. Gary asked him when he was normal. Bob said it was ''one, two, three and one'' so the guys figured that was when he was 31. No one was really sure though.
The guys wondered what Bob did for a living before he had this stroke. Bob said that it was ''Dugs'' which was really ''rugs'' and he was trying to say that he installed rugs. Howard talked about how Bob stroked out once on crack and it didn't knock him out completely so he went back and did it again until he stroked out a second time.
Howard gave Bob a plug for some appearances he's making at a place called Jugs and Strokers out on Long Island. Bob also talked about banging some old chick he as with. He is able to get laid even after the stroke. The woman was like 70 years old but he was getting laid.
Bob asked Howard if he could help him get some appearances. Howard didn't have any idea what he was talking about at first but after a second explanation Howard said that he would help him out if anyone wanted to book him to make appearances.
Bob asked Howard if he was going to bring in the women he brought with him today. Howard said that the women didn't know who he was and they didn't tell him to bring her with him. Bob said that it was ''womens'' but Gary said it was just one woman. Howard said he can't bore his audience with Bob's friends. Bob seemed to be a little upset about it so Howard let the guys bring her in so he wouldn't leave there crying like Erica Durance did.
The woman, Sophia, came in and said a quick hello. She said that she was there with Bob and got in a plug for the bar she works at, Jugs and Strokers, and claimed that her huge breasts were real. Howard didn't believe it so he asked her to show them. She wouldn't show them and said she would show pictures. She refused to show them and said that you can google her name, Sophia Arden, and find them yourself. Howard checked out some pictures of her and Gary said there's no way they're real. She swore they were though.
Sophia said that she's a teacher so she tries to behave herself. Howard checked out more pictures of her and said her boobs really don't look real. She said that her whole family is busty so they are real. Howard asked her if she would go out with Artie. She said she would so Howard tried to set the two of them up on a date. Artie sounded kind of interested but Howard didn't help when he said that Artie's boobs might be bigger than hers.
Sophia teaches kindergarten up in Harlem so Gary came in and said that she could whip her top off, no one is going to fire her if she works there and takes it off. Howard was still checking out her pictures and saying that she has a great body. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
During the commercial break Howard said that Artie had gotten Sophia's phone number. Artie said he will absolutely call her because the guys were thinking that he wasn't going to make that call. Artie insists that he will call her though because she says that she is into him and isn't being forced into dating him like Siobhan's daughter might be. That also led to a discussion about whether or not Howard will get married to Beth. Howard says he won't but he said if he did, Beth would be the one he would marry.
Howard read that under the bottle cap for a Sobe drink they have these little sayings that the put in there and one of them says ''It's better than rejuvenation'' which is one of Blue Iris' lines. He thought that was pretty funny.
Howard moved on to Steve Langford who had a Howard 100 News preview. He said they'll be talking about Jeff the Drunk's latest driver's license suspension. It was just recently taken away from him after a DUI that he was arrested for a few months ago. Artie said that Jeff has been calling him lately asking him to give him a call. He figures Jeff needs money. He mumbled ''What a jerkoff'' as he was talking about him.
Steve mentioned another story they'll be talking about. A woman is suing a police department because they used to show the Howard Stern Show in the department while she was at work. She's looking for $3.6 million in damages because she was subjected to the Stern Show.
Howard moved on to Jon Hein who said they'll be talking about Erica Durance leaving there crying on the Wrap Up Show. Howard asked Jon why he thinks she left. Jon thinks it was Richard and Sal's comments that drove her over the edge. He said they'll take some calls on that during the show. Howard said it's a tough room and he tried to get Richard and Sal out of there. He was trying to get something interesting going and she just didn't want to get into it even though she has talked about it in other interviews.
Jon said they'll also be talking about Artie having to make out with Blue Iris since the Yankees let him down and lost over the weekend. Howard interrupted and took a call from a guy who wanted to get into the studio on the day Artie does his Blue Iris thing. Howard said this guy could come and Gary said that maybe they could have 15 or 20 people in there for that show.
Howard got in a plug for the Miserable Men Show that's airing tonight on Howard 101. He then took a call from a guy who told Howard that the girls they were talking about from last week who got farted on were not 10s. He said the one chick was a 9 at the most, not a 10. Howard gave him that but still thought that she was very hot. Howard thanked Jon Hein for his report and let him go. He had Robin start her news after that.
Howard also brought up the Howard TV preview that's going on the first weekend in November. There's an article about it in the paper today and they make it seem like Howard is doing something horrible by releasing that on the public. Doug Goodstein came in and told Howard that they have some votes going on so people can pick their favorite moments to air on that weekend. You can find out more about that at Howard.tv/preview. It'll only cost you one penny to subscribe for it that weekend. Howard read the article that Robin was talking about.
Doug Goodstein also got in a plug for a documentary they're doing about the creator of the Sybian. Doug said the guy who invented it is apparently very interesting. They're going to visit his workshop which the guy is supposed to clean up for them. Doug said that they're going to ask him not to clean it up though. Howard talked about how the guy has a male Sybian machine which is actually called the Venus 2000 according to Mike Gange.
Howard read some e-mail during the news as well. He had some feedback about Richard and Sal's gay antics on the show. There was one guy who said he was going to complain about them until Chris Kanyon put them in their place and smacked them down during his appearance last week.
Howard took a break and when he came back he read a few more e-mails. He had some feedback about Robin. One guy said that she appears to have a strange look on her face when he sees any picture of her. Another writer talked about her skin color and how she appears to be darker now than she was at K-Rock. Robin said she got some sun this summer so that's probably why she looks so dark this year.
Howard had some e-mail feedback for Artie as well. There were a lot of people who were goofing on him about the Yankees loss this weekend. Artie seemed upset that he paid $14,000 for season tickets for his favorite team and they screwed him by losing.
The caller asked if Howard had any prizes to give away so Howard let him play a game for the money he had courtesy of the movie ''The Butterfly Effect 2.'' Gary came in with a game for the guy to play. Howard played some audio clips and the guy had to guess what Crackhead Bob was saying. He only gave him one chance. It was too easy though because it was too coherent. It was ''I told you not to be stupid you moron.'' The second clip wasn't as easy. Howard got it after a couple of plays. The caller was able to figure it out after Howard gave him a hint. It was Crazy Alice's famous ''Ariva Derci cocksucker.''
Howard awarded the guy his $500 and put him on hold. He read some more e-mail about Artie and then had Robin get back to her news.
Before the end of the show Howard mentioned that he had turned down a movie a couple of years ago and the movie came out and got bad reviews. He said that they said that the movie may have been better if someone else had played the part of the leading man. Howard said that's right, it would have been better if it was played by him. He said he didn't want to say what movie it was because he didn't want to embarrass anyone. He wouldn't even say if the movie was out right now or not.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show at around 10:55am.
Howard started off the show telling Artie about what he did last night. He met his oldest daughter and went out to a restaurant (Ayurveda Cafe) where they serve a certain type of Indian food. He said they don't have a menu, they just bring out food for you and it only cost the two of them $20 for lunch. He said he loved it. Artie wondered if it smelled like Curry. Howard said it didn't really smell and it was just really good.
Artie said that's the magic of New York City because these places are hidden around the city. Howard said his daughter is on a vegetarian kick right now but even she's not sure how long it's going to last.
Howard was hearing noises in the studio as Artie was talking. Robin was pretty sure it was her printer that he was hearing. Howard got back to his discussion about this restaurant he went to. He said they served water out of these special metal cups and even that was pretty cool.
Howard thinks he's a great dad because he went out of his way to bring his daughter to this restaurant. Robin said that he can't call himself a great dad, he has to wait for his kids to say that he's great. That led to Howard talking about how Mark Harris thinks that he's a great dad as well. So does Andy Dick. Howard and Artie spent a couple of minutes talking about Andy Dick's son and how he seems to be okay. Howard said that Andy has been calling him trying to find out what's going on with his Shit Show.
Tim Sabean is supposed to be handling Andy but he's probably very busy. Artie said that Tim has to handle guys like Riley Martin and Andy Dick. He said it would be insane if he had Riley on one line, Andy on another. Artie said he also has to handle Mutt and guys like that. He had some fun goofing on all of the people that Andy has to handle during the course of a day. He has to handle all of the radio show hosts, Richard and Sal, a crying Jessica Hahn and so many other things.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he thinks Howard is a great Dad. He said his own father never took him out to dinner. Fred played the Mark Harris song ''I'm a Gay Papa'' that they've been playing for a couple of months. Mark sings about what a great father he is in the song. Howard said he likes how Mark sings about his neighbors complaining about his parties and how he thinks that they're just jealous of him.
Jessica Hahn called in and asked Howard where he got the idea for her crying. Howard told her he was just making it up, no one was talking about her crying. She said she just gets very emotional and does cry sometimes and she wondered if he heard something. Howard hadn't heard anything. He went back into the phone calls that Tim Sabean might take and threw in Riley Martin, Eric the Midget, Andy Dick, Scott Ferrall and Bubba the Love Sponge.
Howard talked about an article he read about women and how they will dress sexier when they are ovulating because they're looking for dudes. He said that's almost the tip-off that they're ovulating. Artie pointed out that Pam Anderson must be ovulating all the time then.
Howard read another article about how Barbra Streissand yelled at an audience member when he started heckling her on stage at one of her shows. She was going off on President Bush and the heckler gave her a hard time so she told him to shut up.
Howard brought up the news about Google purchasing YouTube.com for $1.6 billion and he's not sure how he feels about that YouTube thing because they steal video clips and post them on the web. YouTube doesn't put up any of their own content, they rely on people to post video and hope that no one sues them. Howard said he's going to be asking for his cut since there's so much Howard Stern content on there. Artie said there's a lot of his stuff up there as well and he thinks that they're going to be opening themselves up to a ton of lawsuits.
Howard said there's a picture of Oprah in the paper and she's wearing a huge green outfit that she uses when she works out. She looks like a pool table according to some.
Howard read another news story about a woman who used her young child as a weapon against her husband. He quickly went through that story and talked about how Mel Gibson is doing an interview with Diane Sawyer to explain his recent comments about the Jews.
One person thought that Erica may have made up the story about the nude parties and that's why she wasn't talking more about it when Howard asked her about it. Gary came in and said that might be true because Will did the pre-interview with her and she was very vague about the story and didn't seem to want to talk about it. Artie said that's what publicists will tell celebrities to do. They may have heard about some nude story and made her stretch it out to something more interesting.
Howard read some mail about Sal talking a little too much on the Wrap Up Show and making an ass out of himself. Gary said that Sal does seem to talk about stuff like he's an expert on it even though he's really not. Gary said one of the things that Sal says is ''Statistically speaking...'' when he doesn't actually have any statistics. That led to Howard playing some clips from The Wrap Up Show where Sal gave some of his thoughts on women and marriage.
In one clip Sal talks about what women and men want from a relationship and why it goes all wrong and causes divorce. Sal thinks that men want a woman who will wake up and give him a blow job, women want power and money. In another clip Sal talks about how women stop giving you sex the more the bills pile up. Then they turn into polar bears wearing jeans. Howard said it sounds like the Wrap Up Show has become the Sal Show lately.
Howard played one of Sal's song parodies where he sings about cracking his wife's skull and throwing her in the trash. He also sings about her demands from him and how he wants to wrap his hands around her fat neck until it snaps. He's got a lot of anger built up in that head of his.
The guys spent a minute talking about Sal and how the lyrics in that song are exact quotes from him about his wife off the air as well as in the song. They talked about him singing about his wife taking his shoes off and things like that. Howard said that Beth does the same thing to him and makes him take his shoes off. He's started doing that lately. Gary said he's been asked to do the same thing but he also has to go outside a lot so he likes to leave his shoes on.
Gary told Howard to play one of Sal's other song parodies. In that one Sal sings more about his love life and how awful it is to be married. Robin Suggested another song where Sal sings about snapping his wife's neck. Howard played one where he sings about a woman's smelly pussy. Artie was laughing and asking where Sal is recording that stuff. Gary said it's right down the hall in his office.
Gary told Howard he's got other clips from the Wrap Up Show to play. In one clip Sal talks about his ''Jew free day'' out picking apples with his family. That discussion led to Sal talking about any woman who converts to another religion is doing it just for the money. He brought up Ross and Melissa as an example and Ross ended up getting pissed and confronting Sal on the air. Howard played some Sal clips and said he loves hearing stuff like that. He said he likes Jon Hein as the host because he knows when to shut up and let these guys roll.
The caller asked to play a game with Crackhead Bob audio clips. He said he would do that and gave the guy a chance to guess what Crackhead Bob was saying. He had a chance to win $500 courtesy of ''The Butterfly Effect 2.'' He gave him a couple of easy ones and the guy was able to guess them very quickly.
The caller also asked Artie how the numbers are with his movie. Artie said he's not sure, he hasn't heard anything. He's guessing that it's like half a million or something. Howard said someone wrote in and said that the Yankees flopped even worse than Artie's movie. He read some other e-mail about the Yankees being jinxed by Artie and how he's got to make out with Blue Iris now.
The guys were talking about Blue Iris and how Artie wants her to get full tests to make sure she's completely clean before he'll make out with them. Howard read an e-mail where a guy said that Artie kissing Blue Iris is like Dana kissing Artie.
Howard read a couple more e-mails and then played a new bit that Sal and Richard created. They did a Jackson and Rodney show where they had a black guy on the phone and had Jackie the Joke Man audio clips so they could play a game with the caller. They had him doing his ''Give Rodney a chance'' joke and goofed on the caller they had on the line. The guy was giving correct answers to the questions he was being asked but they had Jackie telling him he was wrong. After playing that clip the guys talked about how bad Jackie's black impression was.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked about the Friday Show and if it's still going on because she heard that they have Master Tape Theater on there. Howard said it's still on but they will have both shows on Friday. He said that they have a 2 year plan going on and they have a lot of stuff coming up. He said that in 2007 they will have a history of The Howard Stern Show special where they will start from the beginning. He said they're going full speed ahead with that kind of stuff.
The woman on the phone asked if she could get in on the Artie kissing Blue Iris thing. Howard said he would let her in. He put her on hold so they could set her up.
Howard took another phone call from a guy who said that they have to get rid of Sal because he's going to end up wearing Howard's skin some day. He said his thoughts on Beth and Howard are really bizarre. Howard said Sal is weird because he e-mails Beth all the time and she seems to think that he's actually a really nice guy.
The caller asked if he could play the Crackhead Bob game so Howard let him play. He was going to have him do the best 2 out of 3 instead of just giving him one like the other player. Howard played the clip but it wasn't an easy one this time. It was actually very tough. The caller wasn't sure what it was. It was actually ''Holy Gazukas'' which was a clip of Howard from when he was a kid. The next one was ''I love you Johnnycakes'' which the guy guessed easily. The third and final clip was ''I'm getting myself hot'' which the caller was able to guess so he won the $500 prize.
Gary said that he had a great gig lined up but he lost it. He said Best Buy was going to set him up so he could show people technology gadgets and stuff but it turns out they wanted nothing to do with the show and dropped the deal.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that the perfect game for Howard would be a remake of You Bet Your Life. Howard said he really doesn't want to do a game show but it would be kind of cool to have a job where you don't have to do much of anything. He said he wants to be able to just say ''Deal or no deal'' or something like that.
The caller also brought up FOX news and talked to Howard about how they have an agenda and he really shouldn't be doing the ads for them. Howard said he watches the channel and has no problem with doing the commercial for them though.
That caller also brought up the show that Benjy did before they left K-Rock and how funny he thought it was. He thought it was very funny. Benjy said he didn't think he did a great job that day but he could get better if he kept doing it. The guy was also talking about how much of a mess President Bush has created and that got Howard and the guys talking about that and other presidents. Howard said it's embarrassing to this country what this guy has done. He went to break a short time after that.
Howard read the article about that woman and they said that she was given an early retirement and got more money than she would have because of that. Howard said some people luck out with stuff like that.
Howard had Lisa G come in with her Howard 100 News preview. She said that Siobhan was sitting out in the green room waiting to make out with someone. Howard told her he'd talk about that in a short time. Lisa said that they'll be comparing Artie's upcoming kiss with Blue Iris to High Pitch Mike's encounter with Siobhan.
Lisa also mentioned that Richard Christy has his own web site now (RichardChristy.com). Artie checked it out and said he had a bunch of pictures of himself up there. They played the Hillbilly Homo song parody about Richard and then had Lisa continue her preview.
Lisa finished up and said they're going to be talking to Howard TV camera man Greg Karmel in one of their segments.
Ronnie came in and said that he's got a bunch of people coming so he's not changing the party now. It's being held on a Thursday night at Scores so some people can't make it because they have to work the next morning. Sal is getting a hotel room in the city that night so he can make sure he goes.
When he heard that Sal was going to be at the party he backed out of it. Sal heard that and said that he wouldn't go if Howard didn't want him there. Howard thinks that Sal is too creepy and doesn't want to hang with him because he scares the shit out of him.
Sal said that he will stay in a separate room if he wants. Howard heard that Sal was going to bring a tape recorder to the party but Ronnie told him he can't come if he brings a recorder with him. Howard told Sal he would see him there... barely.
Dave said that he's seen Siobhan's fake vagina so he knows what he's in for. Howard asked Siobhan what she thinks of this guy. She wasn't sure yet because she just met him. She asked him what he's going to do to her. Dave wasn't sure and told her that this is kind of like a Jackass stunt for him. Siobhan asked Howard why they didn't set her up with Steve-O because he probably would have done her.
Robin noticed that Siobhan must have one of those Bedazzler things because she was wearing a sparkly babushka. Siobhan said she has to wear that to cover up her head since she's losing her hair. Siobhan said that she's getting older and that's working against her. Howard told her that she's a man with a fake vagina, that's what's working against her.
Howard asked Dave what she thinks of Siobhan. Dave thought he remembered seeing her sing a song on one of Howard's specials. The song he was thinking about was someone else though, not Siobhan. Howard had Siobhan show Dave her boobs and her third nipple. Dave didn't seem to be bothered by it at all. He said he once did a chick who weighed about 300 pounds and he wasn't attracted to her at all but he was still able to get it up.
Siobhan told Dave that the guy who tried to bang her before was unable to get it up and actually shriveled up. Dave told her that he's been dating a man for a long time now and he doesn't have a problem with him doing this because they're both looking at it like a Jackass stunt.
Howard told Siobhan that they were going to do this at her apartment but she said she didn't want to do that because the last time they were there, they traumatized her cats. Dave told her that he likes cats and has no problem with them. He said he's used to the smell of cat piss so it won't bother him at all.
Siobhan pulled down her pants to show Dave what her fake vagina looks like. She had quite a bush down there according to Howard. She was wearing a patch on her that she uses for arthritis. Dave asked her to turn around so he could check out her ass. Howard said her ass is a mess but Dave didn't seem to mind it at all. Dave said he thinks that he can bang that if they want him to.
Siobhan agreed to give this a try. Howard mentioned Dave's name but he asked to be called KDK instead because that's what he's known as on SternFanNetwork.com. Siobhan said that she's been addicted to that site lately and spends hours and hours on there.
Howard took some phone calls and one guy said that he was being grossed out hearing Siobhan. Howard said they were going to send them off to Siobhan's apartment. Benjy had a question for her though. He asked if she still has a prostate. She does and she claims that they plumbed her so she can still ejaculate and cum when she has sex. She said that she has had multiple orgasms before.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he knows KDK and he has a penis the size of a thimble. KDK said that he is average but not that small.
Siobhan said that her daughter was there so she wanted to bring her in. Howard had the guys bring her in. She was in the middle of eating pretzels from what they were saying. Her mouth was full and she was unable to finish chewing before she came in. Howard asked her if she would like to go out with Artie. Helene said that she just got out of a relationship and she's not interested in anyone right now. Siobhan was trying to hook her up with Artie but Artie didn't want to call her because he thought that she was being forced into it.
Helene said that she would go on a date with Artie but she's not looking to get into a relationship. Howard asked her what she thinks about this guy KDK having sex with her dad. She said she seems nice. Robin asked Siobhan about the tattoos she has on her body. She explained some of them and said that she knows they're not that good, it was a phase she was going through.
Siobhan was still trying to push her daughter on Artie but Artie didn't seem to be all that into it. He did agree to go on a lunch date with her though. Howard told Siobhan to head over to her apartment and report back to them when they get there. Gary said that they're sending Richard Christy down there to give them a play by play. Howard asked Dave what he owes to Zolar at this time. He said it's $1,700 but that will be forgiven if he can bang Siobhan.
Siobhan asked if she could have a job there so she could try out for a while and see if she'd be good enough to get paid. Howard asked her if she could be their vomit inducer. She said she would do anything. Howard said they really don't have anything for her though. He told her to concentrate on this thing with Dave instead.
Richard Christy came in and said that there's zero chance of him getting involved in this sex thing. He asked if he needs boots to walk around her apartment. Artie told him that Richard grew up in a barn... He didn't seem to understand why he was asking a question like that.
Howard asked to see what was going on on Siobhan's head. She took off her head cover and Howard sounded shocked. He told her to put that babushka back on and get out of there before this guy Dave headed for z hills. He wished them luck.
Howard took a couple of phone calls and let a few people talk about what was about to happen. Howard sent everyone on their way a short time later. He had to take a break after that.
Howard said that Bob freaked out after making the call because he was afraid that people were going to think he was gay. He played some audio of that. Sal and Richard had to calm Bob down telling him he wasn't going to be thought of as gay. Bob created a message where he said that he doesn't want people to think he's gay. Robin said that was the best. Howard replayed the hog phone call and then the disclaimer that Bob recorded where he insists that he's not gay.
Trump talked about Mark Cuban for a short time and said he's one of those guys who will just never be a winner. He said that the guy has tried to copy his Apprentice show and that failed. He was also out saying that Trump puts out too many products with his name on it. Trump said that guy always brings up his name when he's doing interviews and that's kind of like Martha Stewart blaming him for her show failing.
Trump was on Larry King the other night so Howard talked about how he had some interesting stuff to say. Howard said that he doesn't find Angelina Jolie to be attractive and he doesn't like the way she treats her father Jon Voight. He went off on her a little bit and said that he'd give her a solid 5 on a scale of 10. He said her skin is bad, her lips are okay but she's not all that beautiful. He said that when he saw her lip locked with her brother and pictured with Billy Bob Thornton, he's just not a fan of hers. He said he doesn't get why Brad Pitt is all that he's hyped up to be and he's not even sure he's that good looking. He said he's okay looking but he's no Carry Grant according to Trump.
Trump said that he saw an interview years ago where Brian Williams did an interview with Angelina Jolie and she was defending her relationship with Billy Bob Thornton and making it seem like she would never break up with him. A couple of weeks later she caught him cheating on her. He said that was a great interview.
Howard asked Trump what he thought about Jennifer Aniston. He gave her a 6 or 7 rating. He also said that Princess Diana was close to a 10 in his opinion. He said that the most beautiful women are not famous. Howard agreed with him there.
Howard asked Trump how Melania is doing but Trump wasn't done talking about the most beautiful women in the world and how they're not famous. Howard invited Trump to go to Scores with them on Thursday night but he said he probably could go but he would have to pay a big price with his wife Melania.
Howard asked Trump what he thinks about this Katie Couric thing. Trump went through the history of CBS news and how bad Dan Rather was. He said that he was hired by Mark Cuban when he was working there. He said he wishes Katie luck because she's a friend but he has seen that she's not doing all that well with the ratings.
Howard said that he thinks that Mark Cuban may be jealous of Donald because there are not that many famous real estate developers. Trump is the exception. He's become a household name while others have not. That could be why someone like Mark Cuban is jealous of him.
Trump was saying that he thinks Robin is a two faced person and she always says stuff about him behind his back. Robin defended herself and said that she has never said anything about him behind his back that she hasn't said to his face. He told her not to get so upset and that he didn't mind it.
Howard asked Trump about his daughter dating Lance Armstrong. Trump said that's not what he pictured for her and he's not sure she likes him in that way anyway. He said that Lance does call her a lot and he has to protect his kids. He wants her to be with someone close to her age, not like the way her father dates younger women. Howard asked him if he would disown her if she dated Mark Cuban. Trump said there's little chance of that happening because he is not a handsome man and she likes handsome men.
Trump and Howard talked about the mess of a war we have going on in Iraq and how it's turning out to be a bigger disaster than Vietnam. Trump said that the Iraq war is making the Vietnam war look like a good thing. Howard asked Trump if he would rather his daughter date Mark Cuban or Wesley Snipes. Trump said that he things Wesley Snipes is a much better looking man. He would also rather her date Howard over Mark Cuban.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Trump why he got rid of Carolyn. Trump said she just wasn't doing her job. He said he needs people who are willing to work their day job. He said that they all became stars and she may have enjoyed that stardom more than her job.
Robin said that she didn't know why Trump was mad at her. He said that it was because she was defending Martha Stewart when she was blaming Trump for her failure. The two of them went back and forth on that for a short time. Trump said that he didn't want Martha to do the Apprentice thing, it was NBC and Mark Burnett that wanted her in there. He wasn't surprised when it failed.
Howard said Trump's daughter is looking better than ever these days. He asked him if she got breast implants. Trump said ''no'' and she has always been voluptuous. He said that she's an amazing beauty and she's got a lot of things going for her.
Howard gave Donald a plug for his book ''Why We Want You to be Rich: Two Men - One Message.'' Trump got his co-author Robert Kiyosaki on the phone to talk about it with him. Trump went through the book a little bit. Howard asked Trump if he thinks he could still be banging 24 year olds. Trump said that would be no problem. He just turned 60 years old and he thinks that he could still get 24 year olds. Howard told him he thinks that he's got one more marriage in him. Trump said that he doesn't think that he'll be doing that and his wife won't be thrilled to hear what Howard had to say.
Trump said that his son had just walked in his studio so he told him who he was on the phone with. Trump said the book just came out yesterday and it's already gone to number one. He published the book himself. He said you only do that if you are going to have a huge hit book or one that isn't going to sell at all. They've gone out with a million copies already.
Howard asked Trump what he thinks he would do with North Korea if he were President. Trump said he would be much tougher than he thinks. He would do more than send Condoleeza Rice over there to discuss it. Howard asked Trump who he thinks will be the next president but Trump didn't want to say. He would say that he thinks Rudy Giuliani is a very capable man though. He said he hopes that it's John McCain and Rudy against Hillary Clinton. He said he thinks that a woman could be president and she wouldn't do any worse than President Bush has done so far.
Howard asked Trump who he thinks is the most beautiful woman on the planet. Trump wouldn't say because he's afraid people will print that he's having an affair. He also didn't want to insult anyone. Howard told him to sit down and come up with a list so they can talk about it some other time.
Howard gave Trump another plug for his book and then wrapped up with him a short time later. He had to go to break after that.
Howard read that David Letterman tried to sign him for a deal one time. Jay said he met with Letterman and some of his production guys. He said that this guy Rob Burnett from Letterman's show was there and he had some chick there in his hotel room and he just thought he was a sleaze bag.
After the meeting Jay said they waited for the call from them but they never heard back. Then they heard from Les Moonves that they had already had Jay at their network and he had been given a chance. Jay said they figured that was it since no one was calling. He said he got a deal over at the WB around that time and it turned out to be one shitty show after another. Jay started missing radio after that so he went back into it.
Jay said that Letterman never called him personally to let him know what was going on with the deal so he said he was never going to do his show anymore. Jay has gone back and he does one show a year where he throws a football with Dave. Jay said that's the one big thing he does on that show, he throws a football at a meatball on a pizza that's on the top of the tree. Jay said that he once ran out on stage and threw the ball and hit the pizza so they've invited him back every year since then.
Jay said that Dave did call him eventually after he stopped doing his show. Jay said Dave told him he wasn't calling to get him to come back on the show. Jay said he knew that was the exact reason he was calling. He said that the call was very awkward and he only knows Dave from sitting in that seat of his. Howard said he had Dave calling him for a few weeks years ago but it was always awkward and uncomfortable and never funny. He said he did have some dialog with the guy but it didn't last long because it was so awkward.
Howard said that he doesn't have a rap off the air while other people, like Jay, have the ability to do that. Jay said that he has no desire to sit and talk to Howard off the air. He would much rather hang out with someone like Artie. They could watch a football game or something like that. Artie said that sports are a great way to break the ice with someone if they're also into sports.
Howard said that he hangs out with people like Jimmy Kimmel. They go fishing and stuff. He said that they actually went fishing quite a bit this past summer when they were hanging out. Artie said he can talk to Jimmy about sports too. He said that he and Howard can talk about stuff and have a good time as well.
Howard got back to Jay and asked him about the call that Dave made to him making up for not calling him during the show deal thing. Jay said that it was very much like what Howard was saying about Dave. It was uncomfortable for him but he made a joke about how that whole deal was bad for his putting. He said he had to explain the joke to Dave because he didn't seem to understand it. He said it was a nightmare.
Jay told Howard how Letterman will talk to him in the breaks and tell him how awful the audience is or how much he hates his job. He said he's not sure why he tells him this stuff in the breaks. The guy is miserable but he won't talk about that on the air. He wondered if Dave would hear this discussion. Howard said that no one hears the show.
Howard reenacted what it's like when he talks to Dave during the breaks with Dave. He has to yell because the music is being played. He had Fred playing music really loud and he reenacted a conversation between him and Dave. Jay got in on that as well and told Howard some of the stuff they've talked about with the music blasting.
Jay said that he still goes out and tries to get acting jobs. He said people won't hire him. He told Howard about some of the jobs he's auditioned for and they just blow. He said he has played some costumed characters in movies and TV shows and it's not all that terrible. He told Howard about playing the part of an Easter Bunny in one show and how he goofed on Anne Margaret on the set of this movie while he was in costume. He said that Alan Arkin got upset with him for doing that. He said the guy is a great actor but he's miserable.
Jay said he's going to one of these autograph signing conventions next week. He's talked a little bit about that and then Gary came in and said that he heard that Jay has to show up with like $100 in ten dollar bills to make change for the autographs he has to sign. Jay ended up spitting out the water he was drinking and choked on it when he heard that.
Jay said his wife was asking him why he's putting himself through one of those conventions. He said it's possible that no one will come to his booth at all. He's going to be there as his character from Mork and Mindy, Cheers, Murphy Brown and Mr. Holland's Opus. He figures people will all pock the character they want the autograph from. He told the guys that he'll have 4 or 5 different shots to choose from.
Jay said he heard that Val Kilmer did one of these events and signed $5,000 worth of pictures and then split. Howard wondered why he would go through something like that. Howard said that Butch Patrick does stuff like that as well. Jay said he doesn't really even need the money so he's not sure why he's putting himself through this. He said it might be fun to put two grand in his pocket.
Jay said that he's hoping that they post the price of the head shots so he doesn't have to tell the people how much he's charging. He talked about how he's always trying new things and trying to create new shows for TV and stuff. He said radio gives him a place to go and work so he likes that.
Gary came in and told Howard that he had Richard Christy on the phone who said that they're at Siobhan's apartment and Dave (KDK) was washing his penis to prepare for the banging. Richard told Howard he as at Siobhan's house of horrors and there were tons of cats there. He said that KDK was washing his penis and Siobhan was using her stint to open up her fake vagina.
Howard told Richard he was going to wrap up with Jay and then take a break before getting to the KDK and Siobhan thing. He told Richard to tell them not to do anything yet. Jay didn't want to hear that stuff so Howard spent a few more minutes with him.
Howard took a call from a guy who gave Jay a ''Wah!'' for his acting career having washed up. Jay wondered what's up with his audience because they seem to be very angry people. Howard said they're all angry because they don't like people.
Another caller asked Jay if he still gets it up for his wife Rhea Perlman. Jay told him to get in line next week at the convention and he'll answer the question there. Jay said he's going to bring a tape recorder to the event and record some of the conversations. He was also saying that he might tell people that he'll charge just $18 per photo instead of $25 so he can get more people over to his booth.
Howard took a call from a guy who wondered who the hell Jay Thomas was. The caller didn't recognize him but said he was a good guest. Howard helped Jay out and said that he's been on radio a long time. He was also on some TV shows. Artie said that Jay was on Cheers when Cheers was getting like a 50 rating. That led to them talking about how his character got killed off on the show in a Zamboni accident. Jay said that the real reason he got killed off was because he pissed off Rhea Perlman. He said he knows that she was upset with him and was bad mouthing him to the other people on the show. He lucked out and got on Murphy Brown after he lost his job on Cheers.
Howard wrapped up with Jay and thanked him for coming in. Jay said that he's glad that they've gotten their dislike for each other out of the way over the years. Howard said he never had a problem with Jay, Jay had a problem with him because he took his job in the mornings at K-Rock back in 1996. Jay remembered that's why he disliked him but he is over it because he will never get up early in the morning again. They went to break a short time later.
Siobhan told Howard that she has to loosen herself up with her stint and a dildo. She said she uses Lilly of the Desert aloe jelly to lube herself up. She went into the bedroom to where this guy KDK was at. Siobhan was totally nude and KDK was laying on the bed fully erect according to Richard. Howard got KDK on the phone and he said he was ready to go. He said it had better happen right away though. There was some laughter and yelling going on in the background. KDK said that it did feel like a woman and it was very tight. Richard was about to puke in the background.
Richard was dry heaving like crazy as he was watching. He said it was the craziest thing he's ever seen. Siobhan got back on the phone but KDK lost his erection like a tire going flat. Richard got back on the phone and said that KDK was in there but when he came out he lost it. Richard said that KDK said it was because he was talking on the phone. Siobhan said that it felt really good while it was going on. She said that he wasn't all that big and it was a perfect size for her. She said she was on top of him at first but KDK wanted her to get on her back.
Howard had KDK on another line so he asked him what happened. He said that he was doing it but Siobhan's legs bothered her so she got off. KDK also said that it didn't feel like a vagina, it felt like a wound or maybe an ear or something. Siobhan insisted that it feels like a real vagina but KDK didn't agree.
KDK said that he has been with women before and the wound doesn't grab like a real vagina can. Siobhan said that he has to be lying because he was saying it felt like a woman when he was banging her. Siobhan said that her knees were hurting so she had to get off of him at one point. That's why the erection went away. She said that she likes the feel of a real cock though. She liked the way the head felt inside of her.
Howard wrapped up and Artie said that he was going to throw up from this. Howard told Siobhan did lose her virginity even if she didn't finish with the guy. KDK claimed that he was pissing in Siobhan's bathtub so she got pissed at that. Artie said that was just gross. Howard let Siobhan and KDK go and then took some phone calls. One guy said it was the nastiest shit he's ever heard. He was amazed that Siobhan couldn't believe that fake vagina didn't feel real.
Howard said that show should be good when it hits Howard TV. He wanted to talk to Richard but he had hung up on him. He asked Gary to try and get him back on but Gary wasn't in his office.
Howard had Richard on the phone and he said that he just puked in a cat bowl and it was the most disturbing thing he's ever seen. He said he saw the remnants of Siobhan's balls touching the other guy's balls and it was very disturbing. He had to give KDK a hand for actually going through with it though. Howard thanked him for the report and let him go.
Steve Langford wrapped up his preview so Howard moved on to Jon Hein who gave a preview for his Wrap Up Show. He mentioned the guests that Howard had on the show today and how they'll be talking about all of them. They will also talk about Siobhan's lost virginity. Howard threw in a plug for Jackie's Joke Hunt which airs tonight on Howard 101 at 7pm. He had Robin start her news after that.
Robin got to her news and went through a bunch of stories. She wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 10:45am.
Howard said that they were just talking about how the world has changed since the 1980s. He said he brought up the VCR and fax machines and how that's all you really had to do back then was fax. Now it's e-mail. He said it's amazing now that Dan the Song Parody Man can record a song at home and e-mail it to him and he has it within seconds. Robin said that VCRs have been replaced by recordable DVDs and things like that.
Howard said he was playing chess against a guy last night and he took a loss even though the guy offered him a draw. He also talked about watching Dancing with the Stars last night. He talked about Jerry Springer and Emmett Smith dancing on the show. He said that Jerry was actually pretty good.
Howard said that they were saying on the show that Willa Ford is a rock star even though he's never heard of her. He talked about how she's apparently fallen in love with her dance partner and they're walking on the beach together. He said they'll probably break up after the show ends though. The guys talked about Mario Lopez rubbing down his partner as well. Artie said people might goof on Mario Lopez but he would sure love to be that guy.
Robin said she didn't watch the whole show, she was flipping through the channels and just caught some of it. She refuses to record it on her TiVo. Howard told her about Jerry Springer doing his dance and how it was actually pretty well done. He said that he's pretending to be someone other than what you see on his own TV show and he doesn't believe that's who the guy is. Artie said that those guys have to find moves to do so they don't look like fools on that show.
The guys changed subjects and ended up talking about baseball. Artie was saying he's a fan of Willie Randolph so he'd like to see him do well. He's still not a fan of the Mets though. Howard read an article about the Mets where the writer goofed on them even though they've gone farther in the playoffs than the Yankees did. Howard said it's ridiculous that the Yankee fans can't let that go. Their team made it into the playoffs and lost. It's not that big of a deal.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who asked Howard to put Howard TV on the internet so the fans who have satellite can watch the shows. Howard said that would be a good idea but he's not sure what's holding them back from doing that. He said he got a note from Doug Goodstein from Howard TV who told him how great the Siobhan documentary is going to be.
The caller told Howard that he has a lot of friends who have satellite and would love to see his TV shows. He also told Howard that he used to not be able to stand Robin on terrestrial radio but he can stand her now on satellite. He wasn't sure what it was about her that he couldn't stand though.
Gary came in and told Howard that he was in the Howard TV control room watching the Siobhan thing and he might want to check it out.
Artie told a story about his father getting put up on counterfeiting charges many years ago. He said that he got involved with some guys who had him holding onto hundreds of thousands of counterfeit money. They were living in a tiny apartment and got raided by the FBI. This was before Artie was born but his mother was pregnant. The FBI came in and arrested his father. His father didn't give up the guys he was holding the money for though.
Artie said his father refused to tell anyone who it was. His father got bailed out and in the middle of all of that Artie was born. He said his father's lawyer defended him and it looked like it was going to be 5-10 years of prison for him. The lawyer suggested that they bring the baby to court. They did that and his mother held him up to the Jury and when she did that, Artie gave a little smile right on cue. That led to the Jury letting his father off and giving him a Not Guilty verdict.
Artie said his father was only part Italian and he never got into the mob or anything but he did have a brush with them. Artie said he found all of this out before his father died so he did bring it up at one point asking his father if he knew what he had done for him. Artie said his life would have been much different if his father had ended up in jail.
Artie said that guy went a lot farther than he expected he would. Howard said that Siobhan's back still looks like a man's back but he's got boobs. He said he couldn't not watch it though because it's such a freak show.
Artie told Howard about a picture of Scarlet Johansen that was in the newspaper this morning. Howard said she does look hot there. Robin said they talk about how she enjoys having sex in the article too. She read that she had sex with Benicio Deltorro in an elevator somewhere one time.
Howard brought up a story about this guy who created the web site Fandango.com and how he and his wife were killed when the were involved in a car crash. He said that their baby was saved because it was in a car seat. In the article they said that this is the fourth accident at that particular intersection and he can't understand why they don't do something about places like that. Howard said they're investigating why the other guy didn't stop and slammed into them head on. Howard said that it's a shame that they lost a brilliant web guy and his neuro scientist wife.
Howard read another story about the Dr. Phil show and how they're causing an uproar in a neighborhood because they're trying to fix a family for his show. He read that article and talked about how annoying it is when they do something like that. They apparently ripped down a 10 foot section of hedge so they could install a portable toilet for some 600 pound guy who couldn't get into the bathroom in the house.
KDK said that Zolar took off with the Viagra that he was supposed to take yesterday so he was pissed at him as well. Howard said that Zolar did produce him for the bit. He also said that he never owed any money to Zolar, that was just an angle that Zolar came up with to get himself up to the studios.
Howard said this guy will go down in history as the guy who banged Siobhan. He let him get in a plug for his web site KDKPrankCalls.com and for PCRadio.com.
One of the guys rambled on about how he just wanted to be like a ''big brother'' to the 13 year old. Another did admit that he was an idiot for driving there and how he had made a mistake. The guys talked about how everyone in that show is creepy, even the reporter who is confronting these guys.
Gary said that they've been promoting that they're doing this type of show next month and they're going to feature a guy they already caught once. Howard played another clip from the show where they talk about the guy's screenname. That led to the guys talking about screennames and how lame they usually are. Howard said that Dee Snider is actually very good at coming up with cool screennames. Gary said that Richard once gave him a name that was Carlos Labonga. Howard said that JD's was DABA which stands for ''Da Bad Ass.'' Howard goofed on JD about that for a short time. Gary said that there's some chick out there thinking that JD is some big guy who is a bad ass but it's actually JD. Howard said that's some alter-ego for JD.
Howard played more of the Dateline show clips and one guy claimed that his friend was typing on his computer and it wasn't his IM conversation. The host, Chris Hanson, knows the details of the conversations he had so he tells him he knows it couldn't have been someone else. The guy asks him who he is and where he's from. Howard said he always tells his kids not to chat on the internet and this is just one reason not to.
Gary said that he remembers when Howard was chatting many years ago on Prodigy and blew a load while chatting with a guy pretending to be a girl. Howard said he's pretty sure the guy knew he was talking to Howard Stern too. He thought he was chatting with the guy's wife but it turned out to be the dude. Howard said that they may have to put the Howard 100 News team on this kind of story and catch their own creeps. They talked about how they could send Steve Langford out to do that for them. Either that or send Penny Crone out as the 13 year old. Artie said that when the guy says that Penny said she was 13, she could respond ''No, I said I was born in 1913...''
Howard played one more clip where this guy gets caught for the second time by the Dateline people. The guy gives them an ''Oops!'' when he's confronted for the second time. Howard took a call from Gay Ramone who said that they caught a Rabbi on that show who was trying to meet up with a 14 year old boy. Howard wondered if the guy was using 'GayRabbi'' as his screenname. He said he might have to take that one for himself.
Howard played an audio clip of an interview Stephen Baldwin did with Matt Lauer where he was relating religion to the Abbot and Costello ''Who's on First'' bit. Howard said this sounds like something that Stephen got into just so he could get back on the Today show. Baldwin has been suggesting that Bono from U2 preach the gospel during his shows instead of trying to raise money for third world relief. Howard said that Bono is actually doing something for the world while Stephen isn't.
Howard wondered how Baldwin became such an expert all of a sudden. He said they have to talk to Alec about that when he comes in. Howard had another clip where Daniel Baldwin talks about his brother helping him out and pointing him in the right direction. Howard spent a minute on that but had to take a break a short time later. He mentioned that they have a guy coming in with the Dustin Diamond (Screech) sex tape. They will be watching the tape where Screech gives a chick a ''Dirty Sanchez.'' Howard thought that a Dirty Sanchez was when a guy puts his penis in a chick's ass and wipe it on her face giving her a shit moustache. He heard that Screech takes his finger, puts it in the chick's backside, wipes it on his dick and then wipes it on her face. Fred said that might actually be a ''nasty Sanchez.'' Howard said they'll figure that out after the break.
Howard had Fred playing some of the best songs off of their album Exile on Main Street. He picked one of the songs as his favorite but Robin said that wasn't one of their best.
Howard moved on to their guest David Hans Schmidt who is known as the Sultan of Sleeze because he releases celebrity sex tapes. He was involved with the Colin Farrell sex tape scandal and ended up losing the ability to release the tape. David told Howard they have a Paris Hilton tape that they want to release where she's done just about everything but murder in that one.
David was also the one who negotiated the deal to release the OJ Simpson sex tape. He said that one is still available through BadOJ.com. He was also involved with the Tonya Harding honeymoon video. He said that was a great one for him and he made a lot of money on that deal. He also arranged for Paula Jones to appear nude in a mens magazine. There were also some nude pictures of Jaime Foxx that he was going to release but he ended up giving them back to his management. He said he negotiated the deal to keep them out of the public eye. He said there were pictures of him nude and shooting loads over a couple of white chick's butts.
David said that he was sent to jail for a while after he violated a restraining order down in Arizona. He said he was supposed to call between the hours of 6 and 8pm and he ended up calling them at 8:15 and got into some trouble. He said that he's allowed to see his kids under limited conditions. He ended up getting 2 1/2 years in prison for that restraining order violation. He said his ex-wife keeps changing her number so it's not easy for him to keep in touch with the kids. He said he would like to have more visitation than he has now so he put the word out to the judge in the case.
Howard said that David brought them something brand new. It has been referred to as the ''Screech video'' in the press. Dustin Diamond, AKA Screech, made a sex tape and it got into David's hands somehow. David said that he had this idea to do a sex tape and at 9:30 last week, he came to an agreement with a distribution company and they had to have Dustin's signature to release the tape... and that has been done. Howard asked if Screech has a big penis like he claimed he did when he was on the show. David said it is pretty big and you ask yourself if it's a penis or a telephone pole.
Howard asked David if it's a Dirty Sanchez or a Nasty Sanchez. David said that he was told that it was a Dirty Sanchez and they went to some college kids and found out that it is a Dirty Sanchez. Howard said they were going to put this up on the screen so everyone in the studio could see the Dirty Sanchez part. Howard said that Screech's penis is very big even when he's flaccid. They showed some of Screech banging and the girls were pretty cute according to Howard. There were some shots of a couple of girls sticking a double dong dildo in their asses.
Gary was controlling the video and forwarded it to the Dirty Sanchez part. They could see his finger going in the girl's ass and she didn't seem to enjoy it much. Then Screech wipes his finger across her upper lip and gives her the Dirty Sanchez. David got in a couple of plugs and said that you can purchase the tape from ClubRedLight.com.
Howard let David go and didn't want to shake his hand as he was leaving. Before he left he was saying that they expect to sell about 250,000 copies of this tape. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said that Alec seems to have a good sense of humor about himself and about his family. They've been goofed on by the guys from South Park and in Team America. Alec said he was willing to do his own voice for the movie. He also said that he just saw the movie recently and it was actually very funny.
Howard spent some time talking about how the NY Post seems to go after the Baldwin family. Alec said that it's usually when Richard Johnson is on vacation though because he kind of made up with Richard. Howard told Alec about how he got raked over the coals for not showing up to Gary's father's funeral when it wasn't that big of a deal to Gary because he knew that it was beyond his control.
Howard talked to Alec about his divorce from Kim Basinger and how that's been going. Alec said that there are things that go on in the court system that work against people who are trying to do the right thing. He said that if someone goes against the court they should be considered in contempt but the court won't charge the person with those charges, it's up to him to file a complaint and enforce the law himself. He also has to pay for it.
Alec said that he doesn't hate his ex-wife, he's over all of that now. The guys talked about how much Alec helped Kim out years ago when she got into some trouble after she bought a town down in Georgia.
Howard said that he saw Kim on a plane years ago on a plane and he thinks that Alec got out of the marriage at just the right time. They were still on the subject of Kim and their daughter so Alec told Howard about some of the stuff he's gone through going to court trying to deal with Kim.
Howard said he heard that Alec wasn't getting laid these days but Alec said that's not true and he had a phone number for him to call today that will prove it. Howard wondered if it was Jennifer Love Hewitt. Alec laughed and said that he always does that to him and he didn't bang her. Howard had Gary call the number that Alec gave him so they could get this woman on the phone.
Alec told Howard he has SIRIUS and loves it. He's friends with Ralph Howard from Howard 100 News and he hooked him up with the radio. Howard asked Alec if it was true that he went on a date with Cindy Crawford. Alec said he wasn't going to talk about that. JD then came in and told him he had a clip of Cindy talking about their date on Oprah's show.
Gary came in and told Howard they had Alec's girlfriend on the phone. It was Nicole Seidel but Howard didn't seem to know who she was. Alec told him that she's a lawyer, not an actress, and they've been pictured together and in the news. Howard asked if her breasts were real or not. Alec said they are real. Nicole is Asian so Howard asked Alec if he's been with any other Asian women. Alec couldn't answer the question seriously so Howard changed subjects and told him that he loved the movie he did called The Shadow.
Gary told Howard that Nicole was up at SIRIUS the other day and they were introducing her as Alec Baldwin's ex-girlfriend so he wasn't sure what was going on there. Howard asked her what went wrong there with their relationship. Nicole said that she doesn't think that she's lost him. Howard started asking her some questions about what she was wearing and how much she weighs. She didn't want to say what she weighed so Alec told him that she weighs whatever his perfect weight is.
Howard said he heard that Nicole and Alec broke up because they were embarrassed by Stephen Baldwin's religious stuff. He said he knew he wasn't going to get anything out of Nicole so he told her to get dressed and go to work. Howard was handed an article about Alec and Nicole's break up so he read a little bit of that. Alec said that article was from a while ago and he was under a lot of pressure back then.
Alec said that his priest told him that he should have a baby with her to keep the relationship going. The Priest didn't even want them to get married.
Howard asked Alec about his family and if he's getting along with his brothers. Alec said that they're all doing fine and they are all getting along. They got together this summer when they all just happened to be in the same area at the same time.
Howard said that Alec is in the movie ''The Departed'' and talked about that for a short time. Howard hasn't seen the movie but Robin did. She asked him what it was like working on the movie and Alec said it's great to be able to work with ''Marty'' Scorsese. He said he hasn't seen the movie himself because he doesn't like to see himself on screen. He has heard some great feedback about the movie though and he is looking forward to seeing it some day.
Howard asked Alec if he's got any other movies lined up. Alec said he's going to be playing Annette Benning's husband in a new movie. Howard asked Alec some sex questions after that. He asked him if he uses condoms at all. Alec mumbled that he doesn't like using them. Howard said he actually prefers a condom because he doesn't like contact and he's germphobic.
Howard asked Alec to reveal some movies that he's turned down that turned out to be bad movies. Alec didn't want to reveal any names of movies but did say he was glad he turned some down. They spent some time talking about that and then Alec told Howard he's going to miss seeing them, he doesn't get in there enough. Howard and Robin told him to come visit more often then.
Howard told Alec about Erica Durance's visit earlier in the week and how she walked out of their crying after the interview. He asked Alec if he would be comfortable going to a nude party at someone's house like this Erica Durance apparently does. Alec said he wouldn't want to do that and he would probably appear nude in a movie but he would ask to have his penis enlarged with special effects.
Howard said that Alec got good reviews for the TV show ''30 Rock.'' He read the article where they gave him 4 stars out of four. Howard took some phone calls after that and after Bong Hit Eric asked him what it was like the first time he banged Kim Basinger, Alec was ready to get up and leave. Howard let Eric go and then took a call from Ralph Cirella who told Alec he saw ''30 Rock'' and thought it was very good. He said that Alec steals the show. Howard wrapped up a short time later.
Howard moved on to WWE wrestler John Cena who was huge. He asked John if he fears any men out on the street. John said he really doesn't. Robin said that he's massive but he's not out of proportion. John said he started working out when he was 12 years old because he was getting beat up every day. He said it was like a comic book story come true. He said he started seeing results right away and he's stuck with it ever since. Howard said that he works out but he doesn't see many results at all. He's still skinny and has a belly. Howard told John that he used to get beat up all the time in school but he turned to drugs instead of working out.
Howard brought up this new movie that John is in called ''The Marine'' (TheMarineMovie.com) and wondered if he's going to leave wrestling if the movie does well. John said he doesn't want to leave wrestling like The Rock did. He said that The Rock may be trying to be taken much more seriously so that may be why he left. He has no problem with that but he has no plans on doing that himself.
Howard asked John if Vince McMahon has a cut of this movie. John said he does but he also has no problem with that because Vince is the one who made him what he is today. He said that Vince owns the name John Cena and Vince owns the intellectual property rights to that name. It's his real name too so it's a very strange concept. John said that when he does leave wrestling, he'll have to find another identity.
Howard asked John how many chicks he's banged at once. John said there was one time when there were six other girls but he couldn't handle them all at one time. Howard asked him about his best sex experience. John said he was in a ratty strip club in Kentucky and two women went home with him. He said the girls just knew what to do and it was very entertaining for him. He said he doesn't go in the back door on women but they did every possible position he wanted. He said they may have been faking it but they were enjoying it.
John said that he will bang a lot of chicks and they don't have to be skinny. He said he banged a chick who was about 280 pounds. He said it was actually a challenge put out to him from the other guys. He said that the guys were busting his chops so he went for it and had a great night. He said the lights were on and it was a great experience. Howard asked if he had to pull up the flaps of skin to get in there. John said you do have to know your way around with someone like that. He said he would even fuck Star Jones if he had the chance.
Howard asked John if this is a good life for him. John said that it really is and he doesn't have a family that he has to go home to. He just goes home to his own house about once or twice a month. Howard asked him about Chris Kanyon and what he thinks about his comments about Vince possibly being a homophobe. John said that Chris didn't come out until after he left the WWE and he just wasn't very good. John said you have to be able to entertain the people and Chris just wasn't good at it. John said he doesn't care if Chris is gay or not, he just didn't think he was a good entertainer.
John said he's very happy where he is now. He said he'd love to be able to do this stuff forever. Howard asked him what it is that makes him a good entertainer. John said he's no afraid to make an ass out of himself like some guys are. He's willing to do some degrading things and he once had to eat soap. He also had to go on the Howard Stern Show and admit he sleeps with fat chicks. Howard asked John if he went down on the fat chick. John said he didn't but it wasn't that he didn't want to, it just didn't come up while they were doing it.
Howard got in another plug for The Marine and asked John about the movie. John told Howard what the movie is about and said that the woman who plays his wife,Kelly Carlson, is really hot. Howard asked him if he banged her. John said that someone else got to her before he did so he didn't get her.
Howard asked if there was any nudity in the movie. John said that it's PG-13 so there is no nudity. Kelly does appear in a wet t-shirt but that's it and it's at the end of the movie. John said he's hoping for number one at the box office but they're up against a lot of big movies. Artie told him that there's also a movie out where a guy drinks horse jizz... That would be Jackass 2.
Howard took some phone calls for John. One woman said that her heart was pounding because she got to speak to John. She said she met John about a year or two ago at a mall and he was so awesome. She said that he seems to be sincere in a world of false entertainers. She works with kids and they all love this guy.
Eric the Midget called in so Howard goofed on him a little bit before putting him on. He asked Eric what he wanted to say to the man of his dreams. Eric wasn't saying much so Howard figured he was speechless like a girl. He told him to go ahead and try to seduce him. Eric didn't have much to say to John. Then his phone was ringing so he had to handle that. Eric then said he had a question for him but the guys didn't let him get it out. Eric asked John a question about a wrestling match he saw last night and wondered if there were really some nude wrestlers on the show he saw last night. It was during an ECW match. John said he didn't get to see it so he's not sure.
Howard went into his Eric impression and goofed on him some more. Fred was doing his impression as well. Eric met John at the movie premiere recently and John said he was a nice guy. Eric asked John to stand up to them for him but John said that Eric had to stand up for himself.
Howard let Eric go (by hanging up on him) and started to wrap up with John. John told Howard he met a nice girl by the name of Tiffany at a strip club he was at last night. Howard took a call from Joey Boots who said that this guy can't claim that he's not juicing now and he's sure that in 10 years they'll be playing clips of him denying it when he's really been doing it. John said that he has been drug free through his whole career and he isn't allowed to use steroids in the WWE. He said that it's almost a compliment when someone claims that he's on the juice when he's really not.
Joey said that no one gets to be the size of this guy without steroids. Fred said he thinks that he has used the stuff. Artie said he was going to go along with whatever John says, he doesn't want to get his ass kicked. Howard said he kind of thinks he looks like he has juiced up but he'll go along with whatever he says. John claims he has never used the stuff at all. Howard wrapped up with John after giving him some more plugs for his movie ''The Marine.'' He went to commercial break after that.
Howard took another call from Eric the Midget who said that Howard caught him off guard during the John Cena interview. He said he wasn't thinking straight because Howard had introduced him as a female caller. Howard said he's a horrible caller and he had nothing to say. He said he was trying to entertain millions and he can't do the show just for him.
Howard said that the question he did ask was very inside and even John didn't think it was a good question. Eric said that he's also not gay but Howard told him he is gay for these wrestlers. Howard said they all know he's straight but he doesn't seem to have a sense for how the show works and slowed the show down with that call of his.
Howard asked Eric what his follow up question was going to be for John. Eric said he was hoping to tell John he wanted to meet one of John's friends and pass along a DVD of his appearance on the red carpet at the premiere so John could have it.
Howard had Ralph on the line so he could try and explain this to Eric. Ralph asked Eric if he has any sense of humor and if he gets the show at all. It doesn't seem like he gets the show at all. He wondered what he hears when he listens. Eric said that he has a sense of humor and laughs at the other shit on the show but he's not going to laugh at the stuff they do about him.
Eric said that he likes the jokes that pertain to the other people on the show. Ralph asked him if he understands that he's just as goofable as everyone else. Eric said he guesses that's the way it is but he still didn't seem to get it. Ralph said his questions have to be interesting to the fans who are listening, not just to Eric.
Eric said that he hasn't been able to ask John about anything at any other time so that's why he asked that question. Fred asked him why he would bring something up that had nothing to do with John Cena when he did have the chance to talk to him. Eric said he was going to ask other questions but the guys all told him he should have gotten to his best question for John right off the bat. Eric said that one of his questions was answered before he got on the air. He said he was going to ask him if he had a crush on Kelly Carlson but he had already answered that. Howard and Ralph told him he should have moved on if that question was already answered.
Howard had a rap song that John Cena put out. He didn't play it while he was in there though so he played it for Eric. Eric already knew about it and said he's got a whole album out. Howard told him he should have brought that up when he called in.
Eric said that the two people who got naked during the ECW thing last night were two women who were at his movie premiere. Captain Janks called in and said that they need a translator for Eric and we should never hear his voice on the air again. It should be Will asking the questions. Ralph said that's not right, he wants to hear him on the air.
Kevin Lofton (KevinA.tv) called in and asked Eric to write his own Eric the Midget cartoon so he can animate it. He said he would do anything he wants. Eric said he could possibly think of something. Everyone else came up with ideas for the cartoon but Eric wasn't coming up with anything. They were suggesting that they have Eric banging all of the American Idol chicks. Artie suggested that they have John Cena eat Eric and shit him out. Howard said they could also have John shove Eric up his ass as a Ben Wah ball. Howard thinks that he could get John to play himself in that cartoon as well.
Eric didn't like any of those ideas. Kevin told him he'd do anything he wanted him to. Howard told Kevin and Eric that the cartoon that Kevin created that aired on Howard TV is the most viewed episode on the service at this point. It's in the 9/27 daily episode at the end of the show.
Howard said he wants Kevin to do a cartoon where Eric is used as a human dildo and they end up giving someone a Dirty Sanchez. Eric didn't like any of those ideas. Ralph asked Eric where his video of the interview with John Cena is. Eric said he sent the audio to Will, Jason and Richard as an MP3 file but Gary said none of them got that file.
Gary said that he spoke to a guy who was on the red carpet with Eric and they were all asking him if he had batteries in his tape recorder. Eric insisted that it was working but other people could see that it wasn't working and eventually got it fixed for him.
Howard came up with some more ideas for Kevin to animate. He wanted Eric to play a 13 year old boy who was enticing guys to come over to have sex with him for Dateline but the guys don't get caught, they just attack Eric and shove him up their ass.
Howard told Eric that he has to be prepared when he calls in from now on. Eric said he's okay with that. He also wanted to know if Kevin Lofton is related to Kenny Lofton. Ralph laughed and asked him if he has heard a word they've said over the past half hour. Eric asked when Brooke Hogan was coming in because he wants to ask her some questions. Gary said she's coming in sometime in the next two weeks.
Eric said that he wanted to ask her something when she comes in so Howard had him ask the question he wanted to ask. He wanted to ask her about some appearance she made or something so the guys all told him he's got to do better than that. Ralph tried to help him by having him ask her about her sex life or something like that. Surprisingly, Eric played along for a short time and tried to ask some questions. Then he said he should be able to come up with something in the next two weeks.
Howard had Ralph play the part of Eric so they could give him an example of how to do this whole thing. Ralph paused for a few seconds and did his impression of Eric asking her questions. His impression was even bad and his question was just as boring as the questions the real Eric was asking. Howard asked Eric if he understood what they were talking about now. Eric grunted and said he got it and would try to come up with something.
Howard gave Eric a quick F, Marry, Kill game. He gave him Brooke Hogan, Kelly Clarkson and John Cena. Eric said that he would have to kill John Cena since he's not gay. He would then F-Kelly Clarkson and marry Brook.
Ralph told Eric that he should come up with some questions and run them by Howard before Brooke comes in. Ralph did his impression again and asked Robin what kind of gas she puts in her car. Eric had a real question and asked when the DVDs of the Hogan Knows Best seasons one and two are coming out. Everyone laughed since that was another boring question. Ralph was laughing hysterically as Howard let Eric go. Ralph got off the phone a short time after that.
Howard had Steve Langford come in with his Howard 100 News preview. He said they'll be talking about Elegant Elliot Offen's web site scandal. Steve said that Elliot threatened him when he questioned him about the site. Steve said that they will also have a story about Henry Hill and what he's gone through in his life. They will also be reporting about how Artie's movie is being released to DVD in January. Artie had no idea that was going on. He said it's just in time for Christmas... January 2nd. He said the movie was rolled out to like 3 theaters around the country and that seems to be it. Steve told him that they have that date listed on the Beer League web site. Artie wouldn't know because he doesn't have a computer.
Steve wrapped up with his news preview and then Jon Hein came in to give his Wrap Up Show preview. He said they'll be talking about Alec Baldwin's interview and also about some of the other guests they had on the show. Howard let him go and then had Robin start her news.
Howard said that Cabbie got a job offer out on the West coast but he doesn't want to move there. Cabbie said he lives there in New York and he doesn't want to move out there. Cabbie was also saying he's involved with a woman who has a kid and he thinks of that kid as his own even though it's not. Cabbie said he's also been trying to get a hold of this guy Star from the Star and Buck Wild show but he hasn't been able to find him. He said he'd like to do a show with the guy. Cabbie put the word out that he's trying to get a hold of him and he should give him a call.
Howard said that Cabbie is downplaying all of that stuff and he should read some of the e-mails that he's sent to him. He had Robin get back to her news after that.
A little later on Howard said he had a gift for Artie. He said he had his favorite entertainer on the line... His name started with a B. Artie said there's no way he had Bruce Springsteen on the line. Howard tried to get the guy on the line but all he had was dial tone. He then found the guy but it turned out to be Sour Shoes the one man band. Sour Shoes did a Springsteen song for Artie and had him laughing a bit. Howard thanked 'Bruce' for the song but he wanted to perform more.
Sour Shoes was doing his Springsteen impression even while he was talking but he sounded nothing like him. He performed a second song for Artie and Howard said the guy is actually very good at what he does.
A little later on Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk who wanted to wish Artie a happy birthday. Jeff asked Artie what was going on. Artie told him to leave his phone number and he'll call him back, he's been leaving messages and not leaving his number to call him back. Howard asked Artie why he would offer to call him back. Artie wants to know why he's calling him.
Jeff said that he's been calling Artie about the playoff tickets that he offered him. He wanted to buy the tickets from him. Artie asked him what he would have been willing to pay him. Jeff said he wouldn't have paid more than face value for them. Jeff couldn't afford that and Artie said he wouldn't have given him them at that price anyway.
Jeff wanted to talk about his DWI. Howard figured he needed money from him. It turns out Jeff can't accept money from Howard because of the situation he's in with SSI. If he accepts the money he might get cut off. He can only accept cash if he takes any at all. Artie figured that's what he was going to call him about and ask him for money. Jeff said that's not the case. Howard hung up on him and had Robin finish up her news. He ended the show around 10:45am.
Howard started off the show talking about the horrible tragedy that took place in New York City yesterday... it was Rod Stewart exposing his fat belly on Dancing with the Stars. He said he turned on the TV and saw that horrible tragedy. He said the real tragedy was the plane crash into a building in New York City. He said the Mayor was on TV and talking about how the airport wasn't paying attention to this flight and now they're looking to enforce the flight rules around the city.
Howard said forget about terrorists for a second, they live in a city that is very densely populated and someone flying around as a hobby has no business flying around the city like that. He said you just can't have inexperienced pilots flying around such a densely populated area. He said that this plane that crashed had a parachute in it just in case the engine failed. It didn't work on this plane though.
Howard said he feels bad for this pitcher Cory Lidle and his family but he really had no business flying around the city. He talked about how Thurmon Munson did the same type of thing about 27 years ago and ended up getting killed in a small plane.
Howard said that airplanes should be for professionals, not for people who want to do it as a hobby. It's not a joy ride to fly an airplane. Howard said that John Kennedy Jr. was the same way and he had no business being a pilot either.
Howard said there was a reporter from Bucks County who said that he seemed to be a decent pilot. He said that's fine but he's not a professional. Lidle was with his flight instructor when he crashed. Artie talked about how Thurmon Munson was practicing flying when he crashed and died.
Howard said that Manhattan has to be free and clear of these pilots who are flying as a hobby. He said that a lot of these guys do this type of thing to get laid but this guy Lidle was married so he's not sure what was going on there. He said he doesn't mind if people have a death wish, he just doesn't want them doing it where he lives.
Artie said that Munson was flying over an empty field when he crashed so Howard said that's fine. Gary came in and said that he has friends who ask him to go flying with them but it freaks him out and he won't go. Howard said he would never do that.
Artie said that a bunch of guys went flying with Thurmon Munson and they all thought he was out of his mind for flying and didn't think he was all that great at it. Howard said that if you come down in these single engine planes in the wrong way, they stall and you crash or the parachute comes out.
Artie asked about the helicopters that fly around over the city all the time. Robin said that those are professionals but even they have problems once in a while.
Johnny said that the pilot was about 4 feet off the ground but he would have known that if he had been able to read the instruments. They ended up crashing in an empty field and hit a small tree that took them down. Johnny said that guy shouldn't have been in the plane to begin with. Johnny said his brother got on that plane and it's just a horrible thing.
Robin said that they found Lidle still in his seat. Howard said he was burned beyond recognition and the other guy was chopped in half from what he heard. Johnny said that his brother and two other people died in the flight he was talking about. He said that Rocky Marciano was thrown into the engine in that crash while his brother was thrown out of the plane.
Johnny said that his brother was only 22 years old and had just signed on with the Houston Astros at the time of his death. He never even got to put his uniform on though. Howard said that was a really sad story and he was sorry for his loss.
Johnny needed some advice from Howard about his 4 year old kid. He said he can't get the kid to go to school. He said the kid won't let them leave when they drop him off. Artie said that some kids just need to be left alone and not go to school. Johnny said that he was threatening the kid by telling him the toys were gone if he doesn't go to school. He said the kid told him that his mother would buy him more.
Johnny said that it's costing him $19,000 to do this because he's sending him to private school. Johnny said that when it's nap time, the kid takes his pants off because that's what he does at home. He asked if it's okay to leave the kid there if he's freaking out. Everyone told him it's okay to leave him if he's crying and carrying on.
Howard told Johnny he had to move on so he let him off the line. He and Robin were doing their impressions of Johnny talking about that 4 year old and calling him a motherfucker.
Artie was reading about the airplane that Cory Lidle was flying. It cost him about $187,000 which isn't all that much. It's about as much as an expensive sports car. Artie said that he's been in a few private jets in his life and when you land you definitely feel it.
Howard said there are a few jokes going around about the crash already. He told one that he heard and then Gary said that some people are saying that this is basically A-Rods fault because if they hadn't lost in the playoffs, they'd still be in it and Lidle wouldn't have been flying around.
Richard came in and told a story about a guy who built his own plane out in Kansas and used to fly really low at their football games and stuff. He would scare them all because he flew so low.
Artie said that they really have to congratulate the fire department because they were able to bring that fire under control so quickly. Howard said that some of the fire fighters were injured during that but they did get everyone out of the building.
Gary said that Ralph was on Bubba's show asking Robin to give up her sports car driving because she's so involved with doing dangerous things. He's apparently afraid that she's going to try flying next. Robin said she already considered that years ago but decided not to do it.
Gary said that the guys from the Mike and the Mad Dog Show were talking about how guilty they felt because they were just going off on him two days ago about his playing. They were talking about their guilt about that and how they didn't think the Mets game should go on last night.
Howard wasn't sure when this one penny offer was going to be available. He said that Mike Gange was directing him and asking him to ''sell it better'' when he was cutting the promos. He said that this was Mike Gange, the same guy who sent porno to his kid's teacher one time. He was an intern that used to make his potato years ago... but he would try to ''sell it'' for him.
Howard found out that the one cent preview is taking place from November 3-5. He said they have to charge the penny to make sure kids don't get the service.
Howard had Siobhan on the phone. She told them that she had a good time that day. Howard said that Siobhan was a man who had his penis cut off and made into a fake vagina. He said that Richard was watching all of this going on and puking and Siobhan thinks that's the reason the guy lost his boner. Howard said that at least there was some humorous noise going on during that sex scene. Siobhan was glad it happened too because she's not sure they could have gone on much longer than it did.
Artie said that Siobhan looks like Roy Scheider with that thing off of her head. They talked about how disturbing the whole scene was down at her apartment. Howard said that the guy who banged Siobhan told him that she didn't feel like a woman inside at all. Gary said that he said it didn't have any give inside and it didn't grab like a real vagina would. Siobhan said that it did feel good to her. She said that it felt much better than anal did when she tried that years ago.
Siobhan said that she felt the guy's ''purple mushroom'' inside of her and it felt very good to her. Siobhan's phone kept cutting out so Howard went off on her about that. Siobhan asked Artie if he had called her daughter yet. Artie said he didn't call and it didn't sound like he was going to. Howard asked him if he's going to call that other chick that gave him her number. Artie said he's in a funk right now and he doesn't want to date anyone at this point.
Howard told Artie he seems to be acting kind of feminine over this whole thing. Robin said that Artie is actually handling this like a strong man in her opinion. Artie said that he hates his attachment to Dana because he feels vulnerable. Robin said that's because he opened up to her. Artie asked Howard if he's ever felt that way about anyone. Howard said he hasn't and he's always just moved on while dating.
Artie said that it's like having to do more work when he goes out with someone else. He's still not over the Dana thing and he's afraid that he won't be able to talk about anything else. He said he has been thinking about asking Dana out again since he's not over her yet. Robin told him to hurry up and do that before she starts dating someone else.
Howard talked about last night's Dancing with the Stars show again. He talked about Rod Stewart's belly coming out of his shirt and how disturbing that was. He said his belly was hanging over his pants and it was awful. He said he came out for the second song and the same thing happened. He said the guy has no abs and his belly looks like Benjy's belly at this point. Howard said that Rod was singing ''Hot Legs'' during that performance and it just didn't work.
Howard told Randy he's nuts and he's under an illusion with that because the guy isn't equipped to handle a plane in bad weather. Randy said that he wouldn't have gone if it was bad weather. He agrees that they shouldn't be flying around New York City like Cory was. He said that he wasn't even allowed to fly in bad weather at the time he flew with him. He thinks that it wasn't pilot error and something happened to that airplane.
Howard said they can't have these hobbyists flying over the city, they should be flying over the desert in Arizona or something like that. Artie said that he has to fly tomorrow and he's just glad that he didn't have to fly yesterday.
Randy told the guys he was talking to Cory about flying across the country and how he was going to do it. Randy told the guys he covered the Cory Lidle story because he does reports about the Phillies and Cory used to be on the Phillies.
Howard asked Randy about Cory letting him take the controls of the plane at one point. Randy said that he did let him take over for just a short time. Howard told Randy to not go up in private planes with sports guys from now on. Randy said he's done with that from now on. He said that it's not a game and not a hobby, it's a very tricky business.
Robin said that there's also a maintenance issue with these planes. You don't know how they've been maintained. Howard told the guys about the parachute that was in the plane that Cory was flying. He said it's supposed to be used to land the plane softly when the engine fails. That didn't work yesterday because you can't use it from the 41st floor of a building.
Randy told the guys about how he got involved with Randy years ago when he was a scab player during a strike. He said that Randy was a minor leaguer at the time and he was very upset about the article so he actually didn't write it. He felt so bad for the guy he didn't go through with the article. He said that the guy was actually a very good guy and a good player.
Howard said it was a sad story and everyone is reminded of Thurmon Munson after this crash. Randy said that Cory would laugh about that when people would bring it up to him. He said that flying was much safer than driving in a car. Howard said it's very sad and he can't imagine what was going through his head in the final moments of his life.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that this guy deserved to die because he crossed the picket line 10 years ago. The caller was a union guy himself so that's why he had so much hate toward scabs. Howard took another call from a guy who brought up the fact that Willa Ford who was kicked off Dancing with the Stars last night. He also told Howard he should have this guy Pete Corealle on the show. He does Jim Breuer's show and he thinks he's really funny. Howard said he'd have him on but he's not sure Pete even wants to be on.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked him if he has to grease up Beth when he mounts her. Howard said that's ridiculous and all women get wet around him so he doesn't have to do that. He went to break right after that.
Howard had Crazy Alice on the phone to give this week's football pool pick. Alice said that she wanted to say hi to Fred and that she's sorry about what happened to Cory Lidle. She also told everyone to leave Mel Gibson alone already. She said he's so handsome and she thinks that people should forgive him for what he said about the Jews. She said that his father is the one who raised him like that so they have to forgive him for what he did.
Artie started in with Alice a short time after she called in. He was goofing on how she looks and started to get her all riled up and cursing him out. She said that she would like to come up there and spit on him if he died in a plane crash. Artie was goofing on her talking about how Mel Gibson would never fuck someone who looks like her. That got her even more pissed off and yelling at him. She said she never said she wanted to have sex with Mel Gibson, she just thinks he's a good looking man.
Alice said that she's never fought with anyone on the show until Artie got on. Artie continued to goof on her looks and how Mel Gibson would fuck a Jew before he'd do her. Howard cut them off and had Alice give her football pool pick for this week. Alice is still in first place. She's going with the Broncos again this weekend. Artie said that maybe she should go with the team that was named after her ass... The Giants. Alice went off on him some more and continued to curse him out. She said she wants Jackie back in that chair and Artie off the show.
Alice asked Howard to let her go so she could get off the phone. Howard said Artie probably wouldn't be talking to her like this if she was there in person. Artie told her to come down there and he'd beat the shit out of her. He also told her to walk there so she'd be in shape. Howard let her go and Artie gave her one last ''Okay fat fuck'' as she was getting off the line.
Howard said he was all about the Eric the Midget song parodies now. He played a couple of new ones where Dan the Song Parody Man took clips of Eric saying ''Uhh'' and threw them into some songs. He moved on to Big Foot Mark after that. Big Foot is the latest addition to the Wack Pack and he's apparently at war with his manager Mike. Mark said that he fired his ass because he wasn't doing anything.
Big Foot's manager was on the phone and wanted to yell at him. He said that he arranged for him to be part of the Wack Pack contest and got him the chance to win the contest. Now Mark is saying that he doesn't do anything. He said he's been looking into getting him a web site and stuff like that. Mark said he hired another guy who is doing work for him every night. His old manager wondered when Mark was going to tell him he was going to fire him because he found out about it on the air. Big Foot told Howard he just hadn't gotten around to telling him he didn't want him.
Mike told Howard that Mark told him he was going to pay him but now he has knifed him in the back. He told Alice not to give the guy any money if she does win the pool. Howard asked Big Foot if he would ever hire him back. Mark said that won't happen. Mike said that he's pissed and will take legal action against him. He said that Mark is involved with some stuff that Howard doesn't know about. He said he had an oral agreement with Mark and now he's going to have to sue him.
Big Foot said he's not afraid of this guy. Mike said that he was told that he would be paid $500 out of the $5000 he won in the Wack Pack contest. He was told he would hold onto the money just in case he needed it. Howard asked Big Foot what his manager is doing on the computer now. He said he's trying to find him girls and stuff like that. He said he won't fire him if he can't get him girls or anything. Howard let Mike go because he had to get Big Foot's pick. Big Foot is going with the Jets this weekend. Howard told him he hopes he can straighten out his management problem. Big Foot said that he's thinking about running for President. Howard let him go a short time later.
Howard wanted to get Elegant Elliot Offen on the phone but he had disappeared from the phones. He got Artie's pick in the mean time. Artie is going with the Seahawks this week. He asked the guys to get Elliot back on the line but Gary told him the was being difficult. He said he's a weird guy. They attempted to get him back on the phone but it was a major problem. Gary said the guy doesn't seem to understand anything they do there. Howard moved on after trying to take his call for the second time.
Howard took a call from this guy whose wife Tina was involved with the Hodeo recently. He said that Tina's boss had a tape of her appearance on the show and they ended up firing her over what she did. She was told she could either resign or get fired. She resigned so she wouldn't have the firing on her resume. Howard felt bad for her and told the guy to give her their best.
Howard tried to take another call but he was having problems with the phones. He had a woman on the line who wanted to talk to Artie about his grieving over Dana and how everyone is being hard on him. Robin and Howard both said they were backing Artie up in all of that so he's not sure what she's talking about. Howard hung up on her and took another call from a guy who said he went through something like Artie did and he doesn't think that Dana is coming back to him again.
The guys told the caller that he doesn't know if Dana is going to come back to him or not. Howard hung up on him and got Elliot Offen on the line. Howard told him to make his plugs quick. Elliot gave out a phone number and said that they'll make good on all of the problems they had with the web site last week. He said that the guy who was running his web site screwed him over. He said that he was demanding $175 an hour and when he didn't pay up they shut the web site down. Howard said that the web site guy is claiming that it was Elliot who was the problem so he's not sure what's going on there. Elliot said that he's going to make good on all of the deals that fell through with the web site. He gave out the phone number which was 212-957-1688.
Elliot had this guy Arnold on the phone who said that they're going to be giving away cans of Insta-Poop with copies of this DVD ''Violet Dehumanizes Elegant Elliot Offen.'' Howard wanted him to give his football pool pick but his plugs kept going on and on.
Elliot said he's going with the Jets this weekend. Howard thanked him for that and let him go a short time later. He said he had to rein the guy in because he was going nuts with the plugs. He had a headache from that segment. They had to go to break after that.
Howard said that Jon Hein got a preview copy of Bob's new show and he can't even explain to him what it's about. Bob said he tried to explain it to Conan O'Brien last night and he couldn't do it. He told Howard that they have 100 people on a wall who the contestant has to try and beat. Bob said he shot five pilot episodes of this series and they have 100 people playing the game on each one.
Howard said he liked Bob on America's Funniest Home Videos. Bob said that they offered him this show and there was no script so he thought it sounded attractive to him. He said that explaining the game is tough though so they don't do it during the game. He told Howard that it's basically one person versus 100 people, kind of like a Millionaire type of game. He said that the contestant can win up to a million dollars. He said he's enjoyed doing the shows so far.
Gary came in and said that Bob was telling him that he wasn't interested in doing a game show until they sat him down and backed the truckload of money up to him. Howard asked Bob about the movie he directed Artie in, ''Dirty Work,'' so Bob spent a minute talking about that. He said he's heard that people want the R-rated cut of the movie to be released but that's apparently not happening.
Howard asked Bob about his family and the divorce he got 9 years ago. Artie said that Bob had just gotten divorced at the time they were shooting ''Dirty Work.'' He said he met Bob's kids back then and they looked like they were going to grow up hot. He asked Bob if they're hot now. Bob said that they got the kids some implants when they were very young because you never know.
Howard asked Bob about cheating on his wife. Bob said that he was separated from his wife before he went out with any other women. He told Howard that he had moved down to the beach and ended up going out with a girl who said she as afraid that she had gotten pregnant. He said that she shouldn't have been able to get pregnant from the way he was having sex with her. He said he was just joking about that though.
Bob said that he's dating a woman who is 27 years old. He's 50. Bob said he had a girlfriend a few years ago and she broke up with him because she wanted to move to the next level. He told her that the next level was divorce so they broke up.
Bob said he's been selling out college comedy shows lately and he thinks that's because he was so famous because of Full House and America's Funnies Home Videos. Artie said you forget how famous he is until you do a movie with him and everyone on the street is yelling out to him. Bob said that he has women taking their tops off for him all the time. He said that he's had women throw tampons up on stage with their phone numbers written on them.
Bob said that he's been doing filthy comedy for many years. Artie said that he would come up to him during the shooting of the movie and tell him to do the scene a certain way and then tell him that he wants to tittie fuck him or bang him in the ass. Bob said he just did that with Artie because he's fun to mess with.
Howard told Bob that he's been going out with Beth for 6 and a half years now. He said she's 34 years old and she's starting to get a little too old for him now. Howard talked to him about his co-star from Full House and how much fun he seems to be having these days. Bob said that John seems to be getting better looking the older he gets.
Howard asked Bob if he's ever seen John having sex with anyone or been involved with anything like that. Bob said he's gone out with John but he's usually had his daughters with him cockblocking him. Artie said that he's really wondering how Bob's kids look now since he met them 9 years ago.
Bob wondered about Artie's dating so they had to fill him in on what happened with Dana. Artie said that he remembers Bob asking him not to transfer any drugs across the border when they were shooting the movie up in Canada. Bob wondered where Artie finds these guys who supplied him. Howard wondered the same thing. Artie told a story about hanging out with Bob and Norm MacDonald one night and getting drunk. A couple of little Mexican guys showed up and offered him some drugs and he had just gotten out of rehab a short time before that.
Artie said he was all drunk and buying coke from a Mexican guy and it was the same day that he met Bob and Norm for the first time. Artie said Norm had driven with him that night and heard that he had just gotten out of rehab. That led to the guys talking about how Dirty Work was Chris Farley's last movie, he died 2 months after they wrapped up the film.
Artie said that he had a hot chick up there who blew him after he had gone to a strip club. He said that Chris Farley was there partying as well. He said Farley was doing shots with the guy who was supposed to keep him from doing that stuff. Artie said the next morning he figured he had given that chick $1800 because he cared so little about the Canadian money he had.
Artie said that Chris Farley was such a funny guy. He said he thinks that he was the funniest guy he's ever been around. It was really sad that 2 months later he was dead. Bob said he was great to direct. Artie said that he played a guy who got his nose bitten off by a Saigon whore. Howard said he was offered the part of the devil in that movie but he thought it wasn't the right part for him. Adam Sandler played the part instead.
Artie told Bob that they've been telling the Don Rickles story lately. Bob said that Don came up to him recently at dinner and told him that he doesn't miss him at all... and then smacked him in the face. Bob said that Don hangs out with John Stamos quite a bit.
Artie had another story to tell about the movie. He said they heard a rumor that this chick who worked on the movie had dated Dave Coulier from Full House. They wanted to ask her about it but they wanted to do it in a subtle way. Norm MacDonald asked her one day if she had ever dated a guy who could do a really good Popeye impression. That wasn't so subtle.
Howard asked Bob about the Olsen twins and if he sees them much. He said he saw Mary Kate out one day and introduced her to his girlfriend. He said he told her that his girlfriend's name was Michelle and that was the kid's name on Full House so Mary Kate just said to him ''Niiice!''
Bob said that his girlfriend's parents are older than he is so it's not too strange to be dating their 27 year old daughter. Bob said they're maybe 10 years older than he is.
Howard gave Bob a plug for his new game show and also for the new movie he has out called ''Farce of the Penguins.'' He said that they don't have the mouths moving in the movie, they just use stock footage. He said that's coming out in January. You can find out where Bob is appearing at OfficialBobSaget.com.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he remembers hearing Bob telling a story about fucking a back axe wound in his grand mother and how disturbing that was to hear from the guy who played the Dad on Full House. Another caller said that Howard should give this guy a couple of hours a month on Howard 101. Howard said he'd love to do that with Bob and let him do a show if he wants. Bob said he'd love to do that.
Howard asked Bob how long it took him to get into his girlfriend's pants. Bob said that it took about a month and he doesn't mind that when he's with someone he really likes. Robin asked him if he ever dated any college girls. He said he did hang out with some. He said he was honored at Harvard one time and was taken to a bunch of houses there and he doesn't remember some of it. Howard figured he must have banged a girl there but Bob said he didn't remember. Howard figured he just didn't want to admit it on the air.
Howard told Bob he's welcome to do a radio show there anytime. Robin told Bob that maybe he should date one of Howard's daughters. Howard said he's got a 23 year old and he hasn't seen her in years. He was kidding of course. Bob and Howard talked about their relationships with their ex-wives and how they do try to get along. Bob said that he left his wife so she was the one who was hurt. Now it's like he's the guy who was the whiner in the family and he's taking responsibility for that. Howard wrapped up with him a short time later after giving him a plug for his game show and web site.
John asked Artie if he was coming out to L.A. because he wanted to share some weed with him. Artie said he's done with the California weed because it's too strong for him. Howard said he did some weed one night he was out in California and it was way too strong for him as well. He got all paranoid and thought everyone was talking about him. He said his movie wife, Mary McCormack, told him he should just suck it up and deal with it. He said his agent wasn't too happy with him and wondered if he was going to do it again. Howard said he never did it again after that time.
Howard had to move on so he told John Boy he'd win $500 courtesy of ''Butterfly Effect 2.'' Howard said that he had some Cliff Palette clips and John had to guess what he was saying in the clips. Howard played the first one and John Boy had no idea what it was. Gary told him that they were celebrity names to give him a clue. Howard and Robin had it figured out pretty quick. They knew it was F. Murray Abraham. John asked Howard to play it one more time but he still couldn't get it.
Artie tried to help by giving John another clue but it didn't help. Howard told John Boy who it was but John didn't even know who that was. Howard gave John the next name and it was even tougher than the first one. Howard told John Boy that if he starts whining he's going to hang up on him. Howard then said he was just going to give him the prize because he's a whining bitch. Fred actually guessed that it was Faye Dunaway.
Howard gave John Boy the final name but it was even tougher than the first two names. It was Gerard Depardue which was a really hard one. It wasn't even close when Cliff Palette said it. Howard gave John Boy the prize even though he wasn't able to get them.
In one segment Mel is talking about how he went to a movie screening with a friend of his and that he must have become overwrought that day. He talked about drinking some vodka and how he was impaired that night but it doesn't matter how much he actually drank.
Diane Sawyer had Mel talk about the moment when he went into his Jew tirade. Mel said that he didn't know that the cop was Jewish at the time, he found out later that he actually was. Howard was being driven nuts by Mel's whistling nose during the interview. He could hear it making noise with every breath he took. He said that people should be able to hear that on satellite unlike when they were back on terrestrial radio.
Howard continued to play the interview even though the nose whistling was driving him so nuts. Gibson tells Sawyer that he has no idea where his hate comes from but Howard figures it's from his father who is a raving lunatic. Howard did more of his impression of Mel and asked what that voice is that he puts on. The nose whistling was making him nuts so he gave up on those clips for now. He said he might play more later.
Dice came in and gave Benjy a kiss. Dice said he actually had a dream about him. He asked Howard if he could show his Starbucks cup on the TV show. Howard noticed that Dice's nose was whistling like Mel Gibson's was in the audio clips he was listening to. Howard told him to cut his nose hairs. Dice said that he's got hair growing out of all kinds of places. He's looked in the mirror in the morning and realized he has to shave his nose hairs. He's even got hair growing out of his ears.
Dice said that he was dressed up and said that he was Rock and Roll Dice or ''Andrew Dice Rose'' this morning. He had a bandana on his head and wondered if he looked okay. Howard said he looked fine. Dice told Howard he seems so much more relaxed on satellite. Howard said he is much more relaxed.
Dice told Howard that Benjy came into a dream recently and he's not even sure what the dream was about. Howard anted to talk to him about the comedy show he and Artie are doing but Dice said he didn't want to fight with him so early in the interview. Artie said he didn't want to fight, neither did Dice. Howard went over Artie and Dice's history with the last comedy show they did where Dice failed to pay Artie in a timely manner. Dice thinks that Artie thought he wasn't going to pay him at all but Artie said that never crossed his mind.
Dice asked Artie if he wanted to be paid the same night of the show or could he wait. Artie said that he would prefer it that night and he should ask the promoter to cut two checks. Dice said that he and Artie might get some pussy that night and they may have to shave a little off the top of the check. He said that it would be nice for him and Artie to get a couple of whores and have their cocks in the whore's mouths together. He said he could never actually do that because he can't get it up in front of another dude.
Dice said that Howard has talked about his small penis but maybe it's not that small, it just looks small because he's so tall. Howard said that he's a full six inches when he screws so he's not tiny. Howard said he knows he's terrible in bed though and he can't hold out with every woman. He has chemistry with some women and can hold out a little longer though.
Dice told a story about having a fight with a chick out on the street one day and the chick yelled at him about how he never made her cum. He said he took sex very seriously after that. Dice said he now ''annihilates the target'' when he's with a chick to make sure that never happens again. Dice said that he knows for a fact that he's good in bed and if he were to call his girl right now, she'd say that she can't leave him because of that.
Howard asked Dice if he could be with a woman for one night and leave her. Dice said he's past that and now he has to know the person and feel for her before he'll do that. Dice said he thinks that he can satisfy just about any woman that he's with. Howard told him to go show Robin how he could satisfy her. Dice said she probably wants a guy to come up behind her, kiss her on the neck and start feeling up those tits of hers. He said that all women want their nipples twisted too.
Dice told a story about meeting a married chick one time who wanted him to bang her because she could do things with him that she couldn't do with her husband. Dice said he would have left her with a third asshole if he had banged her.
Dice talked about these chicks who get tattoos now and how they all walk around looking like coloring books. Howard liked that line so he said he was going to take that one for himself. Dice said that's fine.
Howard moved on to this story about how Dice wanted to put his comedy show on Howard 101 on the night he's doing it. Tim Sabean told Howard about the deal and Howard thought it was great. Then they found out that Artie didn't know about it and he doesn't want his stuff to air live. Dice said he was under the impression that Artie wanted to do a live show. Artie said they did discuss that one time but he didn't know it was going to be this particular show.
Artie said that he realized he may have been a little out of his mind the time he flipped out on Dice so he called and apologized to him. Dice said that they are past all of that. He told Artie that he should stay off the drugs as well. He said he was very focused on his career when he moved out to L.A. and avoided all of that crap.
Dice said that when he and Howard made up he really appreciated everything he did for him over the years. He said that he shot a pilot for VH-1 after Howard made up with him and now the show has been picked up and things are happening for him again. He said he's meeting with book publishers trying to get his book published and stuff like that.
Dice talked about the Borgata show that he did with Artie and how well that worked out. He said that he was thinking about putting together a show with a few guys. Dice has worked with Jim Florentine as well and he plans on doing Giants Stadium next summer. That's his goal for next year. He said that he and Artie are a good team and he really wants Artie to do the live show with him for Howard 101, otherwise he doesn't know what he can do. Artie said that he's not opposed to doing a live show eventually but this show he'll be doing some new material and he doesn't want it on the air.
Dice said that he's going to be doing a bunch of huge venues and he would like Artie to do them with him because he is a superstar if he can do what he did at the Borgata. He's wondering why Artie won't take this chance and do the live comedy show.
Dice is going to be doing his set on November 4th live but Artie's set won't be played. Dice had his uncle Lee come in to meet Howard because he's such a huge fan of Howard's. The guy told Howard that he knew that this guy Dice was a huge talent the first time he met him when he was just 17 years old. He said that Dice was a great drummer at that age and he saw the determination and the balls that he needed to make it.
Dice said that this guy isn't his real uncle but he's been with him so long that he just calls him uncle. The guy told Howard that he's a huge fan of Howard's and he will listen as long as God lets him listen. Howard and the guys were laughing at this guy as he was talking to them. He had a lot to tell him but Howard was laughing at him the whole time. The guy kind of sounded like a preacher or something telling Howard how great he is.
Uncle Lee told Fred what a great guy he is on the show and how he knows that he supports the show very much. Uncle Lee also said that he saw Artie down in Atlantic City and it was amazing how the audience chanted his name at the show.
Howard told Uncle Lee how much he liked him as soon as he walked in the room. He said he's like a motivational times a thousand. He said he's a classy gentleman. Dice said that this wasn't a joke and this guy travels with him all over the place. Howard said he knew it wasn't a joke, he was telling him what he thought about him. Uncle Lee said that his father once told him that he talked to much and he should listen more. He said his dad said that if God wanted them to talk more than they listen, he would have given them two mouths and one ear...
Howard was giggling and laughing at this guy through all of his little speeches. Uncle Lee told Artie he doesn't need any honing and he should just keep doing that act that he does. Howard said that he likes that guy and he's a fabulous man.
Howard told Dice that he thinks it would be phenomenal to have Artie on the comedy show that night live on the radio. Artie said that he just wants to do that material a little more on tour before he broadcasts it. Dice was still trying to convince Artie that he should do the radio show thing but Artie still isn't interested. Howard told Dice that he shouldn't keep pushing him on this and he was barking up the wrong tree.
Dice asked Artie if he's going to go on sale with him, meaning that he wants to do the big shows instead of the tiny clubs where they stick you in a tiny room. Artie told Dice he can't commit to 20 cities with Dice. Dice said he wants to sell out arenas and wondered if that's what Artie wants to do. Artie said he's better off doing a 3,500 seat club instead of a full blown arena.
Howard said that these guys are the two worst businessmen in America. Dice told Artie he could make some great money doing an arena with him. He said he's thinking of a tour with Jim Florentine and maybe Don Jamieson. Artie said they can talk about that but not right now.
Ralph called in and asked Artie if he doesn't want his material aired on radio because it's not ready yet. Artie said that he's coming up with new material and he doesn't want to put it out there yet. He's planning on working on it for a little while longer. He and Dice were going back and forth and nothing was getting resolved. Artie said that he just doesn't want the whole country to hear his material yet. Dice told him to do the older material then and just do the live radio show.
Howard said he was getting a headache from all of this. Artie said he knew this was going to happen and he was going to end up broadcasting it on the air. Artie finally broke down and said that he would do it. Dice told him he'd give him an additional $1000 as a bonus if he did it. Artie said he was going to be doing the same material 5 days later at Carnegie Hall.
Howard gave Dice some plugs for his upcoming VH-1 show ''Structured Chaos'' which will be out next March. Artie changed his mind and said that he may or may not do the live radio show thing with Dice. Howard wrapped up and went to commercial break a short time later.
Howard called out Mike's name but he apparently couldn't hear him. Fred played some Mike Walker audio clips and goofed around with them for a short time. He played Mike's bongo playing and some quick clips of him saying various things. Then he threw in that nasty fart he did.
Howard eventually got Mike's voice to come up but Mike wasn't able to hear him. He eventually put his headphones on and heard Howard. Howard got him into his game after that so here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Jon Hein said they'll be talking about Dice's appearance. Bob Saget's appearance will also be discussed and they'll be talking about the football pool picks and all of the stuff that went on there.
Mutt from Superfan Roundtable called in with his show preview. Mutt said that they'll be talking about Howard's relationship with Beth. They'll also go over Artie's latest gambling bets on the show. They've got some other things they'll be doing on the show tonight at 7 on Howard 101.
Howard took a call during the news from a guy who suggested that Beth is going out and screwing younger guys when she goes off to ''work'' away from New York City. The guy also told Howard that he doesn't say the word interesting correctly. He says it ''int'resting.'' Howard realized that was wrong and said that he doesn't say that word correctly and did his William Shatner impression from the recording session clip where he said the word Sabotage wrong according to the engineer. Fred played that clip before Robin got back to her news.
The guys ended up talking about whether or not they would do a show if one of the cast died. They were talking about that because there was some discussion about the Mets not playing last night because of the death of Cory Lidle. Artie said that the only way they're not doing the show is if Howard dies. Howard asked if they would do a show if JD died. They figured they would go on the next day and do it. Robin said that if Artie died, they would have to do a show because the audience would want to know. Howard also figured that they'd do the show even if Robin died because the audience is going to want to know. He eventually said that they would probably have to call the show off if Gary, Artie, Robin or Fred passed away.
Late in the news Howard took a call from the guy who he had put on hold much earlier in the show who wanted to play a game for some money. Howard gave the guy the $500 prize without having him play the game. Gary then came in and asked if he could get in a plug for a Mets trivia game he's going to be playing on a show called Mets Weekly on the SNY network. He said he'll be playing against Jim Breuer. Howard ended up going off on him for waiting until the last minute to get in the plug when he had 5 hours to do it. Gary said he just found out he was going to be doing it a few minutes before though.
Robin finished up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:00am.
Howard was out today and in his place we heard another edition of Master Tape Theatre with host Sir Harden Thicke. Master Tape Theatre is a replay of an entire Howard Stern Show from sometime the past 20 years. Today's show was a replay of the February 23, 1995 show. This show was not in my archives so I'll give a quick rundown as I heard it today. Times are approximate and may be off from what they were in 1995 since they had less commercials to play at SIRIUS.
Howard started off the show telling Fred he should sing the ''I'm Too Sexy'' song as Steve Grillo. He thought that would be pretty funny. Fred wasn't sure if they had the music available to do that. Howard took a commercial break a short time later.
Gary came in and told Howard that the King of All Messengers had a new prank call to play for them. Howard got King on the line and talked to him about why he had been missing from the show for a while. King said he had some prostate problems. King then played his prank call where he asked a police officer about getting some radios hooked up to hear the Howard Stern Show.
Howard was having some trouble hearing the call so he complained to King about the volume. Gary came in and said that something changed because it was loud and clear when he listened to it. King said he hadn't changed anything and he had the volume of the radio turned all the way up. He tried playing his second call where he asked a TV show host if they had found a donor for a penile implant for Howard Stern. Mel said that he had fallen asleep listening to that call. Howard also said that was one way to break his momentum on the show.
Howard talked about his anal fissure after hearing about King of All Messenger's prostate problem. He said he thought he had prostate problems himself but after going to a doctor they found this anal fissure he had. He said the doctor was rummaging around in there and found this giant hole in his butt. He said it can make a guy think he's got prostate problems when they actually don't.
Howard said he changed his wiping techniques after that and went to a 3 wipe method that he included in his book. He said he had to stop scratching his ass too because he used to have that problem. Howard said he doesn't go for that itch anymore. He said he used to scratch so much that he'd make a mess in his underwear. There would be spots of blood and other things in there and they'd be really foul looking. He said the underwear would have dimples from where he stuck his finger in there. He said there were a lot of earth tones in his underwear. Howard said he eventually struck a vein and hit gold in there. That's when he got the anal fissure.
Howard joked that they were going to rename Rolling Stone to Rolling Bone. He said he didn't know if that story was true or not. He asked Gary to get Jann on the phone but he was pretty sure that wouldn't happen.
Howard talked more about the Greg Louganis story and how he had known about being HIV positive back in 1988 when he cracked his head open in a pool accident. He didn't tell anyone about the HIV even though he was bleeding.
Howard read another story about OJ Simpson that said he may have been hopped up on drugs at the time of the murders. He read the story where they talked about this drug dealer who claimed that OJ had purchased drugs from him that night, June 12th. Howard wondered if OJ would be able to get off of the murder charges even though he figured the guy was definitely guilty. Howard had to take another break after that.
Howard said his father was telling him about their local cable operator that stopped running the E! channel half a day and they were going to share that channel with Bravo and E! but then they took E! off. Howard said he doesn't know why they would do such a thing but he had no control over it. He said it seems like his parents call to irritate him.
Howard said he had a guy make a call to him telling him that his father had a heart attack on the show the day before. It turned out to be a prank call. He said he was having a good day at home just watching TV and stuff when his mother called him last night. She was telling him that the person must have really hated him to do something like that to him. Howard said the listener didn't hate him, he loved him and that's why he pulled the prank on him.
Howard did an impression of his parents and goofed on them for a short time. Gary came in and told Howard that Mike Gange had told him that the E! channel was starting to air on the Bravo channel that day. Howard continued to talk about the call he got from his father about the E! and Bravo channel sharing thing. He said his father was quizzing him about what the Bravo channel was. He didn't know but his father wouldn't tell him.
Howard said he got the call from his mother and he almost didn't pick up the phone. He said his mother got on and he didn't say a word to her. He let her call out his name a few times asking if anyone was there. He eventually got on and his mother joked that they were calling in from the hospital, referring to the prank call the listener had made that morning. After she worked him over on that his father got on the phone.
Howard talked about Cablevision screwing around with the E! channel and how they seemed to be teaching all of Long Island a lesson by not putting him on with the E! channel. He talked about how great the Jan Michael Vincent show was that they had run last night. He talked about how amazing it was that the guy showed up to the show after being involved in a car accident the day before.
Howard talked about how Jan was shooting a movie with Dom Deluise and Dom had to repeat all of Jan's lines because his face was so swollen from his accident. They wrote that into the script and the whole scene was pretty funny when it wasn't supposed to. Howard played some of the audio from that movie and got a few laughs from it. They had to take another break after that.
One caller asked Howard what Gary's qualifications were when he hired him. Howard said he had zero qualifications and he had no money to pay Gary when he brought him on. Howard said he had $150 in the budget back at WNBC and that's all he could pay Gary. He had to be willing to work for that money so that's how he hired him. Howard said that Gary used to work with the traffic woman over at NBC and he'd get yelled at all the time. Howard said he needed a guy to run for him over there and Gary was the guy who came cheap. The caller figured that anyone could be a radio producer.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Howard when he's going to get his own late night TV show. Howard didn't understand the guy's question at first so he had to try and figure out what he was talking about. He eventually figured he was asking about when he was going to get his own show. Howard said he figures that the people in late night TV know that he could beat them and he would eventually be offered a show.
Howard said that people figured that Letterman and Leno were already set in their paths and the networks are afraid of someone like him because he's so cutting edge. Howard said there's no lack of sponsors on his show and it shows because he can barely get a word in during the show because there are so many commercials.
Howard talked about the movie he was going to be making (Private Parts) and how many versions of the script he had to go through before he settled on one. He didn't want to give his audience something that sucked. He said he has to do things that are right for his career. He's not going to go on network TV and do a show that's crummy, especially if he doesn't have the network fully behind him.
Howard talked about how some networks end up screwing over their talent after their shows fail. He used Chevy Chase as an example since FOX screwed him over so much after his show failed. He said they offered him a show but they didn't want to pay him anything because they had already given Chevy Chase a ton of money. He said he remembers asking to do a show from the Chevy Chase Theater just so he could use that name. He asked Robin why they don't just call their radio studio the Chevy Chase Theater.
Howard said that Amy is too good looking and he wasn't going to do a whole thing with her. Then he figured he could do a dial-a-date thing and maybe have her in the studio to get under his console and suck his feet. She said she would do that and wear nothing if he wanted. She said that she would do that just for him, not for anyone else in there.
Howard was talking about how some women don't want to get naked in the studio because they find Jackie to be kind of creepy. Amy said that she finds Billy West to be a very creepy guy and he looks possessed on the E! shows.
Howard asked her what she's wearing this morning and found out she was at work and wearing clothes. She didn't hesitate to moan a bit for him on the phone though. Howard put her on hold and said he'd have to figure out what to do with her.
Howard said he had that chick pushed up against a wall when she was in the studio. He also figured that they had already run that show on E! but he still wasn't sure.
Miss Vicky told Howard that he was classically handsome. Robin reminded Howard that she did marry Tiny Tim after she made that comment. Howard spent a few minutes talking to Vicky about how she's a fan of the show and how she's been listening for a long time.
Howard asked Vicky about her cup size and found out she wasn't wearing a bra. She said she manages to keep in shape from dancing. She got married after Tiny Tim and things never really worked out for her. She said she had a child with Tiny Tim but she doesn't keep in touch with him. She was 23 at the time of this interview.
Howard asked Vicky about how she met Tiny Tim. She met him at a department store at a book signing that she hadn't planned to go to. She said he came on to her and she ended up giving him her number. He eventually invited her to Atlantic City to meet with him even though she was only 17 at the time. She said her mother actually went there with him and encouraged her to go out with him if she really did like him. They didn't seem to mind her going out with him at all.
Vicky said she was a virgin at the time when she met him and she was actually only 16 when she first met him. She hadn't even kissed him for a long time. She said that she hadn't kissed him or anything like that before they got married. Howard noticed that she had a perfectly flat stomach and great boobs. He said he likes that kind of chick.
Howard asked Vicky when Tiny Tim asked her to marry him. She said they were in Atlantic City at the time and they had only known each other for a couple of months. Tiny asked her to marry him and she wasn't sure if her parents would approve. They didn't have a problem with it and Tiny didn't even want to have pre-marital sex with her. Robin said she remembers Tiny not believing in having sex before marriage and how wrong he found that to be.
Howard had to take a break in the middle of the interview. After the break Howard got back into it with Miss Vicky. He said he felt like they were bonding during the break. Howard said that Miss Vicky and Tiny Tim got married on the Tonight Show and it was the highest rated Tonight Show ever from what Robin remembered. The only other show that got bigger ratings was Johnny Carson's final show.
Vicky told Howard that Tiny had already been booked to do the Tonight Show at the time so he invited her to go with him. That's when Carson invited him to get married on the show. Tiny agreed to it but hadn't asked her about it. Vicky said the whole scene was kind of wacky so it wasn't all that strange that it happened. She hated the idea of getting married on TV though. She said she was looking forward to going to Hollywood parties but not getting married on national TV.
Howard said that when Vicky was walking down the aisle her father told her that she could leave if she didn't want to get married. Vicky said she knew that nothing was going to happen on their wedding night as far as sex. She said that Tim had told her that they were going to wait a few weeks before doing anything.
Vicky talked about how she and Tiny went on their honeymoon in the Bahamas. She couldn't remember when it was that they finally did have sex. She said that Tiny came and knocked on her door and invited her into his room to have sex. Howard said she probably needed a lot of ludes back then. She said she didn't know about those drugs back then but she wishes she had. Howard asked her how that all went down. She said they had some dinner and some wine with that. She knew it was the night for sex after he invited her into his room.
Vicky said that Tim didn't take all of his clothes off and he didn't take all of hers off either. She said she was getting creeped out talking about all of this stuff. She said it only lasted about 30 seconds and it didn't feel good. He didn't give her any foreplay either so things didn't go all that well for her. She got pregnant from that one bang. She said she's always been very fertile so it didn't take much. Tiny didn't try to touch her much after that. She said it was a few more times in the next couple of years.
Vicky said that Tiny would have guy friends stay over at their apartment on many occasions but she wasn't sure what he might be doing. She had also mentioned that he wore women's panties because they felt silkier to him. She said their marriage lasted until their daughter was about 2 years old. She said the marriage would go on and off through that time because she would run back to her parents once in a while. She said Tiny didn't keep in touch with his daughter. She ended up having kids of her own so Tiny was a grandfather. Vicky said that she did tell him about that.
Howard asked Miss Vicky if she wanted to dance with him. She talked about the go-go dancing that she did years ago so Howard wanted to get his hands on her. He put on a Hammer song that he liked to dance to in the studio. She started dancing with Howard and he said he'd like to get it on with her. He said she can move pretty good for a grandmother. Howard figured that was more foreplay than Tiny gave her. He thanked her for coming in and went to break a short time later.
Howard wanted to play some tape of Chevy Chase but he had to wait for that to get set up for him. He said that Steve Grillo, who had been working for them for just 3 years, was going to sing this song for them. Grillo came in and told the guys that he should have graduated the year before if he wasn't in this college he was in. He said if he was a normal college, he would have graduated already. Howard told Steve it seems like he's wasting his time in that college.
Howard goofed on Steve's speech and how he barely has the ability to talk. Gary also said that the college had a problem with them the last time they talked about the school he was going to. Howard moved on and talked about the way Steve says certain words since they wanted him to sing this song using some of those words. He told Fred to sing it first to show Steve how to do it right.
Fred sang Right Said Fred's ''I'm Too Sexy'' in his Steve Grillo voice and did his impression of him through the song. Steve figured there was no way he could top that song. He said that Fred had stolen the show with that performance. Howard had him sing anyway. He tried the song but he didn't seem to be putting much effort into it. Howard took over and did his impression of Steve as he sang the rest of the song. He had to take another break after that.
Howard moved on to play some Chevy Chase press conference audio clips. Chevy was talking about what his late night TV show was going to be about. Howard and Robin were goofing on him as soon as they heard him speak. Howard would play a short clip and interrupt it within seconds to pick it apart.
Howard said he would love to see tape of those old Chevy Chase shows so they could play them and pick them apart. He figured that Chevy's wife Janie probably taped them so maybe she could send them along. Howard got back to the press conference and played clips of him talking about what he's done in his career. Howard had to take another break after that.
James said he has to come in there and play his album for him sometime. He said he has to come in before he goes over to Vietnam. Howard said he was going over there to find out MIA. Howard then said that he was over in 'Nam and crashed a helicopter into a village to kill some ''gooks.'' He told James to be very careful over there so he doesn't get blown up by a land mine.
Howard and James spent a few more minutes talking about different things. Howard let him go a short time later. Robin said that one of the pictures she has hanging in her house is one of James Brown and Al Sharpton and some kids came over one time and though that they were her parents.
Howard went into his phony Vietnam stories and talked about going over there for a couple of tours of duty. He said his first tour was 10 months. He talked about blowing up villages over there and how he didn't feel bad killing the babies that were in the camps. He talked about using their bones to play songs. He also said that they didn't have many performers coming over to entertain them. He said James reminded him of all of that stuff and it all came rushing back to him.
Howard said that they would play Gook Roulette over there. He said they'd stick a pole up a dead guy's butt and spin a wheel on it. There was another time he buried a guy alive with only his hand sticking out of the dirt so he could shake his hand goodbye. He said they were tough times and it was either him or them. He said there were other times that they would bury people with only their asses sticking up out of the ground so they could use them for bike stands or napkin holders.
Howard said he was a sick man back then but he's over all of that now. He said he would cut the tongue's out of people over there and use them to lick his envelopes he would send back home. Robin asked him if he was into any cannibalism. Howard said he came close but didn't actually do anything. He was going to take a break but Jackie must have been handing him more lines about what he did over there. Jackie would laugh and Howard would talk about some of the sick things he would do to the people there. He said he would use the dead bodies as TV trays after bending the people into the right positions. He went to break after that.
Howard told Gilbert he has a favorite scene in an old Dracula movie but he wasn't able to tell Gilbert exactly what it was. Howard goofed on Gilbert for probably taking home the shirt that they had to buy for his costume. Gilbert demanded to see Robin's dark Klugee a few times.
Howard said this was very exciting to see Dracula Gottfried today but he thought that someone had driven a wooden stake into his material. Gilbert said that it wasn't his idea though so he couldn't take the blame. Howard asked Gilbert about an appearance he had made on ''Married with Children.'' Gilbert stayed in his Dracula character and answered all of the questions as Dracula.
Howard asked Dracula if he was going to stay in character the whole time. Gilbert came out of character and said that this was probably one of the worst ideas Howard has ever had. Howard told him it was funny and asked him to do ''Dice Vampire'' so he went into his Dice impression a little bit. Howard asked Gilbert to hang out during the news. He asked him more about the ''Married with Children'' episode he shot. Gilbert thought he looked ridiculous in the costume he was wearing in the studio. He told Howard about how he played himself in that episode of ''Married with Children.'' He was supposed to be on a cruise ship so Howard talked about how Gilbert would never do something like that.
Gary came in and said that Gilbert once opened up for Belinda Carlisle of the Go Gos. He went out to warm up the crowd which was filled with little kids and their parents. Gilbert said he tried to keep it clean but he wasn't getting any laughs so he went into his dirty material. He started cursing in front of these little kids. He ended up getting yelled at by the manager at the event.
Gilbert said he kept getting filthier and filthier through the whole thing and the people on the side of the stage were all looking at him in shock. Tom Chiusano came in and told Howard he made the mistake of booking Gilbert for an event one time. Gilbert goofed on Tom a little bit and said he looked like he was dressed up like Dracula this morning. Tom told the story about how the crowd he had Gilbert performing in front of were all shocked and not responding to his act. Gilbert disappeared after doing his act. He just walked through some bushes to get out of there.
Howard said they were going to keep Gilbert around for the news. He had to take a commercial break before getting to that though.
Gilbert said that he thought he was tanking but Howard told him it was doing just fine. He talked about another time that Gilbert did the Channel 9 show dressed up as Dice and he thought he was bombing there too. Howard read a fax he got about Gilbert where they goofed on him about the voice he does and how gay he must be.
Howard told Gilbert he was funny as Dracula and even sitting there as Gilbert with the Dracula costume on was funny. Howard told him he should go out on the street and take an OJ poll to see if people think he's guilty or not guilty. Howard told him he'd probably get killed if he did that.
Howard got serious and wanted to send him out on the street as Dracula to ask people what they think about the OJ thing. Gilbert was laughing as Howard was describing what he could do out on the street. Gilbert came up with some ideas of his own for going out on the street. He was going to do some racial stuff but Howard told him he might get beat up if he does that.
Howard asked Gilbert if he would really go out and do it. He told him he'd throw in another shirt if he wanted. Gilbert was going to skip doing it this time. Howard said he probably thinks it'll hurt his career or something. Howard eventually convinced him to give it a try though. Howard told him to go out with the make up just the way it was on his face. Jackie the Joke Man told him to enjoy his career move. Gary came in and said that there was no question that this was going to be funny. He wondered if they should make him up again or leave him the way he was. Howard told Gary to do it himself so he could get it done faster than Ralph.
Howard said they were going to do some news while Gilbert headed down to the street. Robin read a couple of news stories as that was going on.
Gilbert worked his way down to the street and Howard went to him via wireless microphone. He told Gilbert what to do and Gilbert was doing some racist stuff so Howard told him to calm down with that or he'd get beat up. Stuttering John tried to find some black people to be interviewed. He wasn't having much luck but eventually found some people. Gilbert questioned them about the OJ Simpson case and what they though about it.
Howard told Gilbert it was enough after he interviewed about 3 people. He said that was enough of that. He said it was funny but he was going to tell Gilbert that he had bombed just to mess with him. Robin continued with her news as they waited for Gilbert to return.
Gilbert came back and Howard goofed on him about what he did down there on the street. Robin got back to her news and read some stories as Gilbert sat in and commented on some of the stuff she brought up. Howard wrapped up after Robin finished her news. This replay was over by about 10:05am.