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Howard started off the show asking Artie if he drank over the weekend. Artie said ''Yes'' but he didn't get drunk... on either night he drank. Artie went to Nobu with Dana on Friday and thought he wanted to try and have a drink that night after 93 days being sober. Dana wasn't thrilled with that. Artie had 2 Jack and waters that night and didn't get drunk off of that. He said he wasn't drunk at all. Howard wondered if he can control his drinking like that. Artie said that's what he was trying to find out. He and Dana had a good night together even though he wasn't drunk. He and Dana went home after that. Then on Saturday night he did a comedy show in Hartford and the crowd wanted him to drink as well so they were screaming and throwing booze up to him on stage. He had to address that so he limited the drinks to beer. He didn't have any Jack Daniels. He only had about 4 beers that night so he didn't get drunk there. He said when he took his first sip of beer that night, he said it was like Springsteen was playing ''Born to Run'' because the crowd went nuts. The crowd was cheering him on to drink. Fred was moaning and thinks that this is the leak in the dam and Artie's levee is about to break. Howard wondered if it really was just 4 beers that night. Artie swore on his father that he only had four. Howard also wondered what he does on football days when he's watching games. Artie said that he doesn't drink at all when he watches games.
Howard said that Artie's voice was back to normal this morning so he talked about how different he sounded last week. Artie said that he was still a little hoarse this morning from the weekend. That difference may have been because he was done with his Paxil last week after getting weaned off of it. Artie said that his sister has asked him to continue with the therapy so he's still going to this guy who had him on the Paxil. He said that the fans at the comedy show were mostly for him going back to drinking. He said maybe 10 percent of them don't want him to drink.
Howard took a call from Bong Hit Bill who said he knew that there was something up with him last week when he heard his voice change. He also told Artie to smoke some weed to keep from drinking too much. Another caller thinks that Artie will get depressed and will be out for another two weeks. There were callers from Hartford who called in and told Howard how wasted Artie seemed to be at the club that night. One guy asked Fred if he ever smokes pot. Fred said he used to but he developed an allergic reaction to it and passes out when he smokes it. There was one guy who called in as the Grim Reaper and told Artie that he missed him over the weekend because he made a wrong turn and got lost... So he'd be visiting him soon. Howard actually won a $500 bet from someone he bet that Artie would go back to drinking over the weekend. Artie knows what he did and there were plenty of people on the phone who wanted to tell him they didn't want to see him go away from this. One guy thought that he was playing Russian Roulette by starting to drink once again.
Robin asked Howard if he will go out drinking with Artie. Howard had to think about that and said it would be kind of depressing to do that. He said he'd go to Scores with him no problem so if Artie wants to drink there, he can't do anything about it. He said that Artie has to take that into his own hands and make the decision not to drink. He knows one person who demanded that no one drink at the table when they went out to dinner and that's the way some people handle things like that. Robin said there are some people who are able to control themselves even when others are drinking around them. Howard was going to toast Artie over his new drinking plan and asked if anyone wanted to open up a bottle of booze. Bobo called in and told Artie he has to give up the comedy club circuit if he wants to give up drinking. He gave him some advice on that and said he knows someone who has battled drinking for years and doing what he's doing, he won't be able to do that. Artie doesn't plan on doing a lot of comedy shows and he may stop doing them all together. Another caller said that it was like watching a crackhead going back to crack when he saw Artie taking a drink. He said it was killing him and couldn't believe it was happening.
The caller also critiqued Richard Christy's comedy bits and how horrible they were. Artie said that he's new in the stand-up comedy thing so he'll get better. Richard came in and said it's impossible to follow Artie, Rev. Bob Levy and Nick DiPaolo because they're seasoned veterans. Howard noticed Richard's moustache and how disturbing it looked to him. He told him to get rid of it because it looked so ridiculous to him. Howard goofed on him about that and then the caller told Richard to do some sit-ups as well because he's got quite a gut. Howard said that's because Richard goes to the same Chinese food restaurant every night and fattens up on that. Richard said he gets the General Tsao's Chicken which is breaded so that doesn't help.
Artie said that he found out something interesting about Richard and told him to say what his favorite day is. Richard said that it's Halloween and he used to go and eat in a graveyard every night in October years ago. He would get himself into the mood by doing that. He said this time of year is his favorite. He also told the guys that he went to see the gay horror movie ''Hell Bent'' over the weekend and thought it was the funniest thing ever. They were laughing at the movie at the most inappropriate times. He said there was a woman behind he and J.D. who was also laughing. Richard said he put his arm around J.D. as a goof and got his arm pushed away. Richard said the movie was kind of funny because it was like Friday the 13th but with gay guys. There was some ass shots of the guys and only about one hot chick in the whole movie.
Howard took a phone call from ARtie's liver who was crying and asking him what he was doing to him. That got the guys back to Artie's drinking. Artie said he did feel like he had to prepare for the comedy show on Friday night so that's why he started to drink again. He doesn't like to feel that way but that's what it was like. He said he didn't feel disappointed in what went on but he also felt like he was getting back to his ''normal life.'' He said he didn't drink before the comedy show on Saturday night. He has another show coming up on October 1st so he'll probably be drinking there. Artie's Liver started to cry again when he heard that. He said he needs at least one week off. Artie said he doesn't plan to drink this coming weekend. Artie said that he was getting messages from David Spade through his 90 days of not drinking and would goof on him about not drinking. Then, toward the end, he would apologize for doing that according to Artie. A woman called in and said she made up ''Don't Drink Artie!'' buttons and she was kind of depressed because she couldn't give them away. She said she really cares about the guy and hates to see him drinking again. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and told Howard that Artie owes him an apology because he brought up Artie's problems last week. Howard ended up picking on Ronnie about the tight shirts he wears because he really shouldn't be wearing them with the gut he has now. Ronnie didn't want to hear it because he was just in to talk about Artie. Ronnie got really defensive and told Howard to leave him alone. Howard wouldn't stop though and described the tight knit sweater he was wearing this morning. Howard played a new song parody from Sal the Stockbroker where he sings about him being a ''Jew-Jean.'' He said that Ronnie wears those shirts to Scores but Ronnie said he's nuts and doesn't wear them there. Ronnie said that the shirts are ''Summer Silk'' and tried to defend himself. They played another song parody about him that Richard Christy came up with. Robin said when they were over at SIRIUS she was wondering where Ronnie was going to be sitting when they move there. Ronnie said he knows exactly where he'll be sitting and that will be right next to the hot receptionist they have there. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Robin mentioned doing something with the old clips of the Sam Kinison calls they've gotten over the years before they move to the new place. Howard said they've been planning some of the upcoming Roast that they'll be doing the first day they start over there. He also mentioned that Blues Traveler will be coming in today to perform The Beetlejuice Song for them. Howard then played Beetle's original version of the song and said that one guy sent in a country version that he played. The guys thought it was pretty entertaining. Howard said that was from Joey Pajamas who has sent them some other stuff that's really good. Howard also said he heard that Staind performed a live version of the song at a concert they did over the weekend at Randall's Island. They're supposed to release the song on an upcoming album so they're trying to negotiate with Richard and Beetlejuice because Richard arranged the song after they got Beetlejuice to sing it. Gary came in and said that there are arguments going on between Beet's people and Richard about who should get how much on the song. Beet's people think that he should get more than 50 percent because it's all him. Gary said that if Richard wasn't there, they'd have nothing so he's being generous in giving Beet 50 percent.
Howard played some of the second song that they created with Beetlejuice and said that it's beyond him how Richard can take those ramblings from Beet and create real songs from them. Howard also played Staind's version of the original song that they performed in the studio and are planning to release on their album soon. (Howard's station is already playing the song in regular rotation from what I've heard.) After playing most of the song Howard mentioned Blues Traveler again so Robin wondered if they know what they're getting into by performing the song. Howard continued to play and sing along to the Staind version of the song and said that it was very ''beautiful and hypnotic'' to him.
Howard tried to give Eric some advice on how to talk to a girl like this when she calls him because he wasn't playing along with her. She was asking him to tell her that he wanted to F-her but he was kind of blowing the whole thing. Howard said that he would have blown the whole thing if it was really her. Eric said he figured out that she wasn't really Carrie when she hung up and the phone call was terminated. He figured that Will still would have been there if it was a real call. Gary told Howard to play the call that Eric left for them after that prank call. Eric said that if it was a fake call, that may have ruined his chances he had at meeting Carrie Underwood. Howard asked Eric if he really thinks he has a chance with her. Eric said ''I don't know.'' after thinking about it for a couple of seconds. Eric wants them to hook him up with both Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood on separate dates so he can see what happens. Howard said that Eric has already met Carrie for real so it was up to him to make it happen. They got him back stage at an American Idol concert and he ended up talking to her about someone else's album. Howard told him not to blame him for not making that happen.
Eric had a list of demands for Howard and said that if he decides to give him money for the prank, it has to be more than five hundred bucks. Howard said he's not giving him any money for that. Then he said that he wants the chance to meet the girls for real but Howard said he's not going to make that happen. Eric is also asking Howard to get him on some TV shows. Howard said that he shouldn't be in charge of this guy's life and he's not going to make any of this stuff happen. Eric said that he also wants that to be the last prank call they ever do to him. Howard couldn't promise that one either. Robin wondered what would happen if they don't make those demands happen. Eric said ''I don't know'' and Howard said he'll continue to call in no matter what. He then broke into his Eric the Midget impression and goofed on him a little bit about putting these notes into his Palm Pilot since he had mentioned that a couple of minutes earlier. Howard made Eric out to be an evil villain who was going to flood New Orleans again if his demands weren't met. Fred played some ''evil villian'' music in the background as Howard was doing that.
Howard told Eric that he would place a couple of calls to Simon Cowell to find out if they could set up a date for him with Carrie and Kelly Clarkson. Robin wondered if he would go out with Constantine. Eric said ''No'' to that question. Howard also asked Eric not to destroy New Orleans again if they could make that happen. Howard wanted to play the part of Kelly Clarkson talking to Eric on the phone but Eric said ''Oh no...'' when that started to happen. Howard asked Eric if he'd go on a date with Fantasia Barino if they could make that happen. ''No way!'' is what he had to say about that. Howard told Gary to call some people and tell them that they have a 14 year old in a wheel chair who wants to go on a date with the girls. Eric is actually 30 but Howard said they're going to say he's 14. He interrupted that to play the prank call that High Pitch Eric made to Eric the Midget as Kelly Clarkson, KC Armstrong, Gary Dell'Abate and Artie Lange.
Robin asked what shows Eric wants to be on. They asked him if he'd want to be on ''Lost'' or ''Desperate Housewives.'' Eric isn't interested in that and said that he would want to be on ''Las Vegas'' or ''Alias.'' Howard knows JJ Abrams so he might be able to make ''Lost'' happen or maybe ''Alias'' but he's not sure. The guys wondered what parts he would play on those shows. Eric couldn't get a sentence out without them goofing on him so he never did say what he could play. Eric said he would appear on ''Joey'' but not on ''The Sopranos.'' Howard told him he might be able to play the part of a meatball on ''The Sopranos'' or a coconut on ''Lost.'' Howard was laughing so hard at one point he couldn't even speak. He eventually got serious and said he would try his best to set Eric up on a date with one of these girls. Gary asked Eric if his ''stuff'' below the waist actually works. Eric said that it does but Gary said he doesn't seem all that sexual. Howard asked Eric if he pleasures himself but he decided not to get into that because he had to take a break. Robin said if Howard gets ERic a date, she has to go on the date to see what happens. Howard told Gary to make sure they tell Kelly's people that Eric is only 14 and to get on that as soon as possible. Eric threatened to never let them prank him anymore even if they got him a date with Kelly Clarkson. Howard said he should think about that before he makes a demand like that. Howard was thinking of making him promise to name his son, or daughter, ''Howard'' if he gets married to either Kelly Clarkson or Carrie Underwood. Howard was also saying that he would like to insist on the name thing but he'll let him ride off into the sunset if he does marry either of those girls. He went to break a short time later.
Howard took a call from a guy in Columbus who said that the guy who replaced him out there, Grego, got on the air and started calling the fans ''morons'' because they've probably been goofing on him so much. Howard said that the people at that station are lying about what has been going on with the FCC out there. They have not been given a Notice of Apparent Liability yet and there is no fine like they were claiming. He said they should just put his show back on the air out there immediately and keep him on until the end of the year.
Howard spent a few minutes talking about how awful the Emmy Awards show was last night and what a horribly unfunny person Ellen Degeneres was. He also thinks that she's done something with her nose and may have had some work done on it. He said she used to look like she was always smelling something bad but now it doesn't look that way. He and the guys talked about the tribute to Johnny Carson and how lame that was. Robin wondered what's up with The Daily Show and how they're getting so much attention. It's almost as if Jon Stewart is the most important person in show business. Howard was talking about how William Shatner took home another Emmy and he was happy to see that since he was talking about what a great actor the guy is. He played some audio of Shatner accepting his award and talking about how great he was in the first Star Trek movie. Howard played some audio of Ellen Degeneres' monolog and talked about the mens shoes she was wearing. That led to Howard talking about Ellen and her girlfriend Portia DeRossi and wondering what they do to each other. He said he'd have to save that conversation for when he moves to satellite though.
There were some audio clips of David Letterman doing his tribute to Johnny Carson and some clips of Bill Clinton (not from the Emmys) that Howard played. Robin talked about how sad it was when they read the names of some of the stars who passed away this year. She said that Bob Denver's name was brought up and she heard that he was still dressed in those Gilligan outfits right up to the end of his life. Howard got back to the Letterman clips and spent a few more minutes listening to them. Gary and Howard were also talking about how Jay Leno doesn't seem to get any nominations for his show while Jon Stewart and David Letterman do.
Howard changed subjects and mentioned that the new Nicholas Cage movie ''Lord of War'' was actually very good. He and Robin both saw it and both liked it. The movie didn't make all that much money this past weekend and Robin thinks that it was probably poor marketing because people probably didn't know what it was about. Howard then moved on to the game and read the seven questions to Chad who had 90 seconds to answer the questions. Here they are:
Howard had the guys bring in Beetlejuice who was going to sit in during the performance of his song ''The Beetlejuice Song'' since he was the original. Beet came in a short time later and said hello to everyone. Robin said he seemed to be in a good mood this morning. Howard asked him about the story he was telling John Popper about having sex with Robin and what happened there. Beet said he was doing it when 5 Chinese guys came in to do the same. That's when he left and he's not sure what happened after that. Beet thought that he had sex with Robin but he really couldn't remember. Howard decided to turn over the mic to Blues Traveler so they could perform The Beetlejuice Song for everyone. He gave the guys a plug for their new album ''Bastardos!'' which is out now. The band then performed their version of Beet's song and gave it a Shaft-like beginning and then gave the song their own, unique, sound with some piano and harmonica thrown in. Howard said that it was ''awesome'' and asked Beet what he thought. Beetlejuice said he thought it was good as well. Howard said he thinks they might have a hit on their hands. Howard gave Beetlejuice a plug for an upcoming appearance he has at the Lucky Leprechaun. He also gave him a plug for his web site JollyDwarf.com. John said that Beet wants to play guitar with them sometime soon too.
Robin asked Howard if the guys heard Beet's second song. John heard a quick mention of it earlier but hadn't heard the song so Howard played some of that for them. The lyrics go a little something like this...
Beetle
I don't know cause I look good
But I feel like get laid
Beetle
I don't know cause I look good
Beetle know what he get when he wants
Beetle know what he get when he wants
Beetle know what he get when he wants
Beetle know what he get when he wants
I look like a kango I livin on a hango
I look like a kango cause I look like a gigalo
The guys in the band said that song sounded good as well and maybe next time they're on, they can perform that one. Howard asked John about their new album and how they were calling it Bastardos! and causing problems with some stores already. John said that Barnes and Nobel have already said they don't like the name. Howard played a track off the album called ''Amber Awaits'' and talked to John about the band for a couple more minutes. He gave Beet another plug for his upcoming appearance and gave out his web site address again. John told Beet that anytime he wants to perform a song with them, he's welcome. After that Howard gave Blues Traveler a plug for their web site BluesTraveler.com. Gary came in with a picture of this girl Amber that John wrote the song about and showed Howard how hot she was. John said he's keeping his mouth shut about her so he doesn't ruin his chances with her. Howard told Beetlejuice about Artie getting back to drinking and Beet said he'd be there for Artie if he needs him. Howard went to break a short time after that.
Gary came in and said that Infinity has a big contest going on this week and down in Philadelphia they're going to be throwing in some horn honks over Howard's show at various times so they can give away a car. Howard told Fred to play some sound effects during the show with horn honks and screw up the contest since Infinity didn't bother to tell them about it. Gary was kind of surprised that the company didn't tell them about the contest at all, he had to hear it from Tim Sabian down at WYSP.
Howard played an audio clip of William Hung singing ''Take Me Out to the Ball Game'' where he sang ''Buy me some peanus and cracker jack...'' instead of saying peanuts. Howard said it seems as if people are afraid to boo him because he sounds retarded when he sings. Howard was going to talk about Will Murray from the back office and his drinking but he doesn't think anyone knows who he is. Will came in a minute later to talk about it anyway. Will said he was just drinking at the football game they were at yesterday. Gary was also there and saw him drinking with some other people and he was getting really drunk just to get drunk. Gary actually called and left a voice mail after putting Will on the phone. Will sounded like he was out of control but Will said that's just how fans act at a Jets game. Gary said Will was getting pissed that the Dolphin Fans weren't getting beat up for wearing their jerseys to the Jets stadium. Will said that no one was even giving them a hard time about it and he thinks they should have been getting beaten up. Howard ended that fun and had Robin start her news a minute later.
During the news Howard was goofing on Cousin Brucie who has started over on SIRIUS so High Pitch Eric called in and said he has audio of Brucie bad mouthing him over there. Howard wanted to hear the tape so Eric said he'd bring it in tomorrow. He got in a plug for his new web site HighPitchErik.net
Howard played some audio of this guy Nitro Machine Gun Eddie who has a really high voice and claims to be able to break glass with it. Richard Christy had brought it in to him to play so he talked about an instructional tape that the guy had out where he'd teach people to sing like him. Howard played some porn clips behind the guys singing and had Robin get back to her news a short time later. He mentioned that Bon Jovi will be in to perform their version of The Beetlejuice Song later this week. Jenny McCarthy is also going to be in this week. Robin finished up her news and Howard ended the show around 10:45am.
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Howard started off the morning talking about how tired he was and how getting up this early is for the birds. He said he was sleeping beautifully until he had to get up to do the show. He went to bed at around 9 last night and he's still tired this morning. He thinks he's still growing too. Howard told Robin that he remembers growing as a kid and how fast things happened. He said he grew 3 inches in college and remembers his breasts hurting as he was growing up.
Howard changed subjects and said he read that Sarah Jessica Parker is rumored to make $38 million so he asked Fred what he thinks about that. Fred thinks that she's got a deal with a hair color company and she probably has a piece of the action for the ''Sex and the City'' DVDs so that could be accurate. Howard also read that Oprah Winfrey has given about $10 million to the hurricane relief down in New Orleans. Robin said that she's still thinking about building a home for a family down there but she has also given some money to help out down there. The guys spent some time talking about how there are some families down there who are taking other families in but they're also kicking them out. Howard talked about the animals that are being saved down there and how a lot of them are being put to sleep after being saved. He said he spoke to Melanie Good, who was in his movie ''Private Parts,'' and she's started a group down there to try and help but a lot of people are being turned away from helping.
Howard read some other stats on what kind of money celebrities are making and mentioned names like Nicole Kidman, Martha Stewart, Giselle Bundchen, Kelly Ripa and others. The guys tried to figure out how some of them are making the kind of money they're making doing what they do. Howard was all over the place this morning, he changed subjects again and read another article about some geniuses in the city from the NY Daily News.
Gary came in and asked if they were cutting commissions on an advertiser who stays with them for a full year. Tom said that is the case and they are cutting the commissions as of October 1st. Tom said that it all depends on if the commissions are out of whack so next year, when Howard is gone, the commissions will probably go back up because it may be harder to sell. Howard thought that was kind of crazy and cutting commissions when business is good is nuts. Tom said he doesn't like doing it but that's the reality of the business... and it was his idea to cut the commissions. Howard asked Tom if he'd be cutting back on his own commissions when something like that goes on. Tom didn't want to talk about what kind of deal he has. Howard told Tom that he would be really pissed if they pulled something like that with him. He figures that even if they cut him back by a buck, he'd be pissed. Gary said he heard that one of the sales people was thinking about getting a lawyer. Tom said he knows the chain of people that this all came through. Howard told him to go back and correct this. Robin said that the sales department had to have worked harder to make this extra money and now they're just going to cut them back. He asked Tom who is in charge of the commission rates and how they can just go back and change them like that. Tom kept saying that the rates are just out of whack and that was that.
Howard let a caller ask Tom about the deal and said that he thinks that they should be working that into next year's budget or something like that. The caller also told Howard that he thinks Tom is kind of dumb by doing this and he told him by playing a game and asking Howard how Sizemore, Cruise and Chiusano are all the same... They're all dumb guys. Howard said he wouldn't be surprised if some people left the company over stuff like that. Howard said if they get fined by the FCC, Tom is going down with him this time. He's also heard that this quarter is the best quarter for sales for his show ever but Tom said that's not true. He said it's not like the old ''dot com'' days when they were making a ton of money. Gary said that it was crazy back in those dot com days because he remembers one of the sales guys trying to get a single ad on and how they made the most money on one spot back then. Tom said it was a dot com and it was 3 ads that they ran.
Another caller said that Tom is a scumbag and he should have to call the families of all of the people they're screwing to tell them why they're not going to have a nice Christmas. Tom said that the sales department may not like the deal but they all understand the rationale of why they're doing it. Robin said that the whole reason the sales department tries to sell is to make bigger commissions so when they change it like this, it doesn't make sense. Artie said it's as crazy as telling the sales department that they're not selling enough so they're raising their commissions. Tom said they'd never do that.
Gary told Howard about the old stock option deal the company had that they called ''Fund the Future'' and how much of a waste that was. Gary said that he thinks he has a bunch of stocks now and remembers Tom telling him about the deal and how it was a way of giving them a ''raise'' back then. Gary said he has no options with those stocks now because it would cost him money to get the stock. Howard said he took some of those deals as well and they weren't worth anything. Howard asked Tom if he's ever heard of any other company doing something like this. Tom said ''yes'' but didn't name any that do. Robin wondered if they tell possible employees about doing stuff like that to them before they get hired. He didn't have a chance to answer, Fred was doing his Tom impression and said ''Of course not!'' in his robotic, monotone voice. They also talked to Tom about how he broke the news to the sales department. Tom said that it was the sales managers that met with their individual sales people and the managers spoke to him about it. Tom said he was willing to speak to the individuals himself if they wanted. Everyone was piling on top of Tom and asking him questions about how he handled all of this. Howard and Fred were doing their impressions of Tom and goofing on him quite a bit. Howard told Tom that there's going to be bad Karma on this one. He said Tom is a salesman at heart so he's screwing over his own people. He congratulated Tom on this whole thing and asked if any of the sales department wants to come in and confront him on it. Howard said if he was in the sales department, he wouldn't put up with it. The guys said that Tom would then threaten to tell all of the other radio stations in the area that the sales person was no good and he'd never get a job in New York City. Artie threw in ''You'll be selling hip-hop in Kansas'' doing his best Tom impression. Howard told Tom that he has set a new standard in business by doing this to the sales department. He said if he can sell that to his sales people, he's a genius. He wrapped up after that and went to commercial break.
Howard played some audio of someone and wanted the guys to guess who it was. Robin guessed that he was white because Howard asked, even though he sounded like a black guy. Howard said it's actually a guy who is on MTV's TRL show and sounds black. He was actually teaching a black guy, the host of the show, how to talk like a black guy. That led to Howard asking for people to call in if they're white and sound black or black and sound white. He said they have a contest coming up where people can win some money. Howard wants to get the guy from the audio clip on the show because he has to be the biggest wigger on the planet. He said the guy's name is Paul Wall. Howard had to take another break a short time after playing that stuff.
Howard played a voice mail from Gary the Retard asking Richard Christy to call him back ''ISP'' instead of saying ''ASAP.'' He also had the Staind version of the Beetlejuice Song to play but he ended up talking about how this is bringing the worst out in people. Staind was going to release the song on an upcoming album but Beetlejuice's manager was only willing to give Richard Christy 5 percent of the royalties. Richard put the music to Beet's song and made it what it was and they're only wiling to give him five percent. Richard came in and said that he thought it was going to be an easy negotiation but it turned out not to be that way. He said he thinks that the lawyers got involved and that's what screwed things up. Right now the band is waiting for an answer so they know if they can put it on their album or not. Richard thinks they'll be able to work things out though because he's pretty easy to work with. Howard had Fred play some of the Staind version of the song and then mentioned the Blues Traveler version that was performed on the show yesterday. He read some mail about their performance and people were blown away by it. Some thought it was better than Staind's version. One guy thought that they were ''glomming'' onto Beetlejuice's talent but the writer obviously did't get that they were asked to come in and do it. Others thought that John Popper's voice was great for that song. Another person thought that the band has sunk to new levels by performing that song. Howard had Fred play their version of the song a short time later. Howard thought they did a great job on the song and he loved it. He gave them a plug for their album ''Bastardos!'' before moving on to some other bands who are covering the song.
Howard said that this guy Joey Pajamas did a country version of the song that he played yesterday. He played some of that today and then played some of the band Shine Down performing their cover of the song. Theirs was a bit harder than the country version but Howard only played about 5 seconds of that. Gary said that they could probably pout out an album of Beetlejuice Song covers if he wanted to donate some money to Hurricane Relief. Howard said he'll just donate his own money instead.
Howard wondered why the Military can't just find some people to save the pets that are still walking around. Dr. Eve said that they just need a lot of volunteers to go down and help. A lot of the animals are scared so it's tough to get some of them. She said that the pets down there don't know how to survive on their own because they're domesticated pets that have no experience fending for themselves. Dr. Eve said there are web sites that people can visit to find out how they can help by volunteering. She said that they need supplies and medications as well as volunteers. Howard thanked her for calling in and let her go a short time later.
Robin and Howard spent a few more minutes talking about New Orleans. One guy said that they have to save the people down there first but Robin said that they have gotten the people out of there already, the pets are still running loose. The caller suggested that Beth go down to help out down there. Howard said she is helping out and the guy has no idea what she's up to. He also suggested that the guy on the phone probably wasn't helping out and sending money himself so he's one who shouldn't be talking. The caller claimed that he did donate some money just last night but Howard didn't seem to believe him. Howard said he thought it might be worthwhile to get the word out there about this stuff so that's why he spent a short time on it.
Howard said that Bon Jovi will be in tomorrow to perform The Beetlejuice Song. He went from that to a porn movie clip of a woman screaming and moaning. Robin wondered what they were doing to her in the scene but Howard couldn't remember what was going on there. He went on to play a clip of Merideth Viera having a coughing fit on ''The View'' recently. She coughed for a few minutes while all of the other women were talking over each other. Howard thought it was funny that the sound guy didn't bother to turn down her microphone. She continued to cough throughout the show at various times so Howard had them all put into one clip.
Howard took some phone calls and one guy brought up SIRIUS since Howard's stations go live on September 29th. Howard said that he's going to throw some stuff on those channels once they go live and he's planning for the upcoming roast of himself for the first day he's on the air. Another caller asked Howard who won the office pool on when Artie would go back to drinking. Howard said he won a bet with someone because Artie did go back to drinking. He knew that was going to happen and he made $1,500 since he had bets with 3 guys for $500 each. Howard thanked Artie for that. Artie was still having problems with his voice this morning after yelling over the weekend. Howard played some Blue Iris old lady porn clips and said that they had the Rappin' Granny there to read some of the lines to see if she sounds like the old lady. He went to break after that.
The Rappin' Granny stopped by today to read some lines from some Blue Iris porn movies. Howard played some clips from those Blue Iris movies to give everyone a taste of those. Rappin' Granny was in a minute later and said that she's 83 years old now. Howard thinks she looks like she's really out of it these days though. Howard asked her if she was up for reading some lines. She didn't mind and said she wouldn't even mind being in the porn movies. Granny said that she has a boyfriend who is 10 years younger than her and people don't believe that she's the age she is because she's very active and does her own shopping. Howard spoke to Granny for a few seconds and then had her read the lines from the Blue Iris movies. She sounded much younger than even Blue Iris does when she's reading the lines in her movies. Howard played the part of the guy who was doing the chick in the movie but Artie thought it sounded like he was going to the bathroom. Howard said that what he was doing. He was disgusted with the whole thing after they were done reading it. He told her to get out of there after that but let her rap a little bit before kicking her out.
Rappin' Granny said that she has appeared on ''The View'' and on the Maurey Povich Show doing her act. Howard gave her a plug for her email address which is FruityNutcake@yahoo.com. She rapped for a few seconds before Howard interrupted her and asked her what kind of money she can make in a year. Granny said that she didn't make all that much last year. Blue Iris called in and told Howard that Granny could make some good money in porn but didn't want to say how much she made last year. She said she gets about $1,500 a scene though. Howard asked Blue if she would do a lesbian scene with Granny. Granny said that she would do the lesbian scene. Granny said she has done stuff like that and Blue said she's done the same. Howard said the two of them doing lesbian stuff would make for one ''throw up moment.'' Blue got in a plug for a movie that's going to be funny... but they don't have a name for it yet. She said that she will be a student staying after school with a teacher... Howard said there's nothing grosser than old lady porn. He's not into that stuff. He wanted the two women to create a scene together but Granny didn't get the concept so he bailed out. He let Blue Iris get in a plug for her web site TheDingDongShow.com and then gave $500 to the Rappin' Granny.
Robin said that she heard that Oprah and Jennifer Aniston spent a whole weekend together before Jennifer was a guest on the show. She said that she didn't see what happened after that but did hear that they didn't mention Brad Pitt's name during the show at all. Howard said that Oprah is so fat, no matter what anyone says, and she's not a nice person.
Howard took a call from Jon Hein from JumpTheShark.com who was checking in to talk about the Emmy Awards and how bad they always are. He runs a web site where people talk about TV shows and when they go bad. Jon felt like Ellen failed as a host on the Emmys and all of her bits were falling on their face through the whole show. Howard and the rest of the guys were talking about some of the funny stuff that did go on during the show like Donald Trump's bit and William Shatner's sketch. Robin thought that William Shatner thing was great but Howard missed it. Jon also thought it was good while so many other things were so bad. Howard wondered if David Letterman demanded that they don't put the camera on Jay Leno. Jon said he definitely thought that's what happened. None of the guys who came out and did their tributes mentioned Jay's name. It's obvious to Howard and Jon that none of those guys, Jon Stewart, Conan O'Brien and David Letterman, like Jay Leno. Jon was saying that he's been reading that Ellen handled the Emmy show really well and he's wondering if those people watched the same show he did.
Howard asked Jon to talk about some of the upcoming fall TV shows. Robin said she wants to know more about this show ''My Name is Earl'' and what the deal is with that. Jon said that he thinks it could be a hit if it's the dark comedy it appears to be but NBC tends to hype their shows way too much. Howard thinks that it will fail. Jon said that the other show getting a lot of hype is the Chris Rock show ''Everybody Hates Chris.'' Howard said that Ronnie the Limo Driver saw the show and said it wasn't as funny as they're making it out to be. Jon is also thinking that Martha Stewart's show is going to die off quickly after just a couple of weeks. He's also thinking that Donald Trump's ''Apprentice'' will drop off this year too. Howard read through some of the other shows that are starting this year and what Jon thinks of those. Jon said that ''Lost'' should be good this season but people have been hyping it up even more than last year. He thinks that they need to come through with some answers about some of the strange things on the show. They talked about ''Desperate Housewives'' and how it's a good thing that they didn't win an Emmy because the show wasn't all that great to begin with.
Howard said that they really have to get Superman to fly on ''Smallville'' this season because it's time already. Jon said he'll be watching but he's quickly losing patience with the show. Jon said that he's watching ''Survivor'' this season and they seem to be doing an okay job with it but they need to do something to keep it interesting. Artie said he'd like to see Richard Hatch in prison as a real ''Survivor'' show. Jon told Howard that there really aren't that many good shows out there other than ''Lost'' and ''Arrested Development.'' Robin said she can't sit through ''Arrested Development'' because she thinks it's so bad. Jon said that most of the ''CSI'' shows are done but they're trying to brighten up the New York series because it was so dark.
Vinnie Favale called in and said that he thinks that Clark Kent will never fly on ''Smallville'' because they have the movie franchise to deal with and they don't want to conflict with that. Jon wondered where they can go with that show if he doesn't fly. No one knows. Howard had to go to break a short time later so he let Vinnie go and said goodbye to Jon Hein.
Vinnie Favale called back in and told Howard that they didn't show Jay Leno on the Emmys during the Johnny Carson tribute because Jay had stormed out after he lost to Hugh Jackman earlier in the evening. Howard said that's even worse than him just not being shown on camera. Robin got back to her news after that. A little later a phone caller told Howard that his girl, Kelly Monaco, will be in that ''Dancing with the Stars'' dance off on ABC tonight. There was a discussion going on about Kelly but the delay was hit and we lost out on a few seconds of that. Ralph called in shortly before Howard ended the show and told Fred he was amazing with the sound effects today. He was particularly impressed with Fred's timing with a laser sound effect after Robin brought up the death of the guy who coined that term ''LASER.'' Ralph wondered if Fred has any knowledge of what stories Robin is going to read ahead of time or if he just pulls those sounds out himself. Fred and Howard said they have no knowledge of the upcoming stories. Fred said he will scan the newspapers during the show and get some sounds ready just in case they're brought up though. Howard ended the show at about 10:30am.
Howard started off the show talking about how John Bon Jovi would be coming in this morning to perform for them. He saw John out at a club not too long ago and he was performing with another band that was really good so that's what he'll be doing this morning. He said that everyone should love what he's going to do for them today. Robin heard that it was good from some other people as well.
Howard took a call from a caller who said that it seems like David Spade is going to be ripping on a couple of people, on his new show, like Pat O'Brien and Michael Lohan and it seems like David is ripping Howard off. Howard asked the guy if he's insane and said that he can't be serious. Those subjects are up for being goofed on and he doesn't have a hold on those subjects.
Howard moved on and took another call from a woman who said that she wasn't going to get satellite radio but now she's thinking about doing it. Howard cut her off and said that he can't get that off of his mind these days and he's really looking forward to making the move. He said that his channels go live later this month and he's beyond happy about it. He'll have two channels to start off with and a third will be added later. Robin said that she had satellite in her car but just got a new one that doesn't have it yet and she's going crazy not hearing it in that car yet. The woman asked Howard if he's going to go out and promote satellite around the country. Howard said he's very busy doing other things right now so he doesn't have time to get out there yet but he is planning something. He said this will be his opportunity to get out there and tell people that they don't have to give up free speech and that they'll be able to choose to hear him on satellite. Right now he's holding off on going on other shows but he has been contacted by many big ones who want him to come on. He said that this is going to be a long battle to get people to come on and he knows that but he's also looking forward to it. The woman said she's looking forward to seeing him when he makes his way out to the West Coast.
Howard told Artie that they will have two channels on SIRIUS on the 29th of this month but it'll just be a preview channel to start off. They'll eventually put some content on there. Artie was wondering when Bubba the Love Sponge will be starting his show. Howard said that will happen sometime after they start over there in January. Bubba is already over there helping out with things but they're not ready to put him on the air quite yet. Howard said he's going to have a lot to get ready for like the fact that they've digitized everything over there. They won't have any cart machines and the whole board will be digitized so he'll have complete control over everything. He won't need an engineer to help out with the board or anything like that.
Another phone caller told Howard that there are some Clear Channel stations out in his area that are playing promos talking about sticking with them on ''free'' radio when Howard moves to the new place. Howard said that the more they knock him, the more it will keep his name in people's heads so it'll make them wonder why he's making the move and keep them interested. He told the guy that they're all petrified and shaking in their boots, that's why they're doing stuff like that. Howard told the guy to get some tape of that so they can hear what they're saying about him. The caller said he was from the San Diego area.
Robin told Howard a story about going into a bathroom recently because she had to go doody. She was sitting there trying to go but a woman came in and stood there for a few minutes. Then the woman slipped a note under the door to her asking her to have Howard call her. She said she put the note in her pocket and left it at home but she's pretty sure the woman thinks that Howard can help her fix a problem she has with her home or something. Robin said the woman finally left the bathroom and she was able to let her gas rip. She didn't want to let it go before then because it was so loud. Howard told her to just lift up her one cheek and let it flow slowly but she wasn't able to do that.
The caller interrupted and asked Artie how he made out with drinking over the weekend. Artie told him that he cracked and drank so the caller started laughing his ass off. Howard said he talked to David Spade about how Artie just can't handle the comedy gigs so that's why he drinks. Howard said that Artie had 4 beers at the comedy show but he also had 2 Jack and waters at dinner on Friday night with Dana. Artie said Dana wasn't happy about that but at least she was there to see what went on. Artie was pretty sure that other people saw him drinking there that night. He's also pretty sure that there are a lot of people out there who follow his drinking and are very interested in it. Artie claims that he hasn't had anything to drink since last weekend but he's not planning on getting out of control at all if he does have some drinks over the weekend.
Howard tried to get back to figuring out how many days they have left to work. He was adding and subtracting days for some holidays and taking days off for Thanksgiving and stuff like that. There were 44 days already by November and finally 54 days left total. The caller was a little off but not by all that much.
The caller changed subjects again and brought up Rebecca Romijn who has gone and gotten engaged to Jerry O'Connell. Howard thinks that's a mistake and it will never work because she just got out of her marriage with John Stamos. He said he knows that she's not talking to him anymore, probably because he doesn't think that her relationship is going to work with Jerry, but that's what he believes. The caller asked Howard to put him on hold so he could listen to the show since he's down in Atlanta where he can't hear it regularly. Howard did that and went to break a short time later.
Howard mentioned some news about this concentration camp survivor Simon Wiesenthal who just passed away this week. He helped track down some Nazi criminals over the years. He said that this guy taught us a lesson and made people realize that they should never allow themselves to be victims and that you should fight back when someone treats you poorly. Howard talked about how he's been treated like crap by the FCC, the religious right and even by his own industry. He said he's going to fight back by going to satellite radio and he will have the last laugh when he moves over there. He said he will have retribution once he makes hat move and he thinks that Clear Channel's stations will eventually be worth nothing because of that. He got back to Simon and spent a couple of minutes talking about what a fighter that guy was. He was 96 when he passed away. Howard had to take another break a short time after that.
Another caller asked if they have a store set up where they can go to get this stuff. Robin said all she can think about is the people who died in the floods because they couldn't get out of there and these people are selling the stuff they stole while others were drowning. Howard told the woman that he's repulsed by her as a human being and she's an outrage. She kept saying that the store owner is probably fine with it because he didn't have flood insurance. Another caller said that the woman is so stupid that she's telling people that they stole this stuff on national radio. Howard took some other calls and let some people go off on her. One guy asked her how she'd feel if she was drowning and someone came in and stole her TV instead of saving her. Howard didn't allow her to give out a web site or anything like that. He went to break after that.
Howard told his mother that Oprah is a diva and she's out of control on her show over this whole Hermes thing that she's been talking about on her show lately. He played some audio of Oprah talking about how she was turned away from this store as it was ''in the process of closing'' and it wasn't closed yet. Howard said that most stores will start closing about 10 minutes before it's official closing time so they can get out of there on time. Howard's mother said that it was the way it was said to Oprah that upset her. Howard explained to his mother that Oprah isn't used to being told ''no'' and she admits in her own words that the store was closing at the time so she shouldn't be getting upset over such a ridiculous thing. Howard's mother told him that Oprah could get the store to open up for just her if she wanted but she didn't do that. Howard tried to explain to his mother that Oprah is not right and the people working in the store just want to go home to their families and not spend even more time helping out another customer. Howard pointed out that Oprah's own words prove that she's wrong because she admits that the store was closing. Howard's mother thinks that this whole thing was blown out of proportion and it wasn't Oprah's fault. Robin said that it was Oprah who was going around complaining about it, not anyone else. Howard and his mother went back and forth on the subject and Ray was saying that it was the way they closed the store to Oprah and that's what her issue really is. Howard thinks that Oprah wanted to bully her way into the store and they told her no so of course she's going to be upset.
Howard told a story about going to a store in The Hamptons one time and was turned away because they were closing. Howard asked if they could go in quickly to get something but he was turned away. He didn't go on TV and demand that the President of the company apologize to him like Oprah did. He turned away and went back the next day, just like Oprah should have done. Ray said there are two sides to every story and she can't see this happening to her. Robin told Ray that Oprah was just embarrassed that they wouldn't let her in and she wanted to embarrass the company that wouldn't let her in on her TV show. Howard's mother wouldn't give up and kept saying that it was the attitude of the people that was probably what Oprah was upset about. Ray said she's been to other countries and has been treated poorly so she knows what that's like. She told one story about an experience she had in a subway but Howard told her she was comparing apples and oranges. Robin tried to convince Ray that this was all Oprah's fault, she created the situation, she promoted the problem on the air and she proved that she was the one who was in the wrong. Howard asked his mother how she was doing and tried to change subjects. Ray is going to see her grandchildren today so that's her ''one thing a day'' plan for today. Ray said that's what her son should do as well but if he did that, he wouldn't have a career. Ray said goodbye to her son and went on her way. Howard and Artie talked about how women will just defend Oprah right up to the end. They won't back down no matter what.
Howard read that Oprah actually showed up 15 minutes after the store Hermes had closed so she wasn't even being truthful about that on her show. Howard read a couple of e-mails about that subject. One person said that when a store closes, they put someone at the door to keep more people from coming in because some shoppers will stick around for 15 minutes to a half hour after the store has actually closed. That means that the registers have to stay open and employees have to stick around longer than they need to. That's why Oprah was not let into the store.
Howard read that one of the band members from The Cowsills, Barry, is missing in from New Orleans after the hurricane. The writer asked Howard to announce that so they can try and find him. Howard read some mail about Eric the Midget's phone call the other day and how they like when they have him call in and goof on him. Some people wrote in about the discussion they had about the station taking away commissions from the sales department because they were making too much money. Howard read through some of those e-mails and people were pissed about the way Tom Chiusano is treating his sales force. Tom didn't come in to defend himself right away so Howard thought he was staying away. Tom eventually came in so Howard told him that he got hammered in the email. Tom said that it actually made the front cover of a radio industry magazine thanks to Howard.
Tom tried to explain to Howard why they changed the commissions but Howard still didn't understand it. Gary came in and said that the rumor was that the sales guys were told to get new business which is a higher commission and they ended up selling too much so they had to lower the commissions. The advertising for the show is going away soon and it's going to be tough to sell advertising on the station so that's why they have to change things. Howard thought that it was Tom's fault for the mistake, not the sales department's. Tom said that he should have done this much earlier in the year but even then he may not have been let off the hook. Tom said he tried to fight this off as long as he could but had to do something. Gary thinks that it's the time frame of when they're doing this that upset people. Tom said that they will raise the commissions back up in 2006 but Robin said that it's going to be hell trying to sell advertising in 2006 when Howard is gone. They won't have the same product to sell.
Howard said he heard a terrible thing about Tom and it didn't have anything to do with the commissions. He said he heard that the band Disturbed was playing in the area last night and Sal and Richard were going to go to the show but Tom yanked their tickets because someone needed 20 tickets to the show. Tom said he had nothing to do with that. Sal came in a short time later and said that they went to Mike Peer and asked for tickets to go see Disturbed. Mike gave them the tickets no problem so Sal was going to take this cop who had his leg crushed in an accident. Sal was ready to go but then Mike came to him and said that Tom needed 20 sets of tickets so they had to pull theirs away. Tom said he knows nothing about that and didn't have anything to do with those tickets being taken back.
Tom interrupted and sarcastically said that he's shocked that he has problems at home. Sal talked about the ''dude'' comment he made and how his wife thinks it's a derogatory term and how their son is going to grow up to be a dirt bag if he keeps using the term. Robin asked Sal why he doesn't cheat on his wife. Sal said that his father used to cheat on his mother so that's why he doesn't want to do the same to his wife. Sal said that when his son turns 18, he's going to take him to the booths. The guys told Sal there's nothing wrong with calling his son ''dude'' and that his wife seems to be a little sensitive about that stuff. Sal's father would call him every name in the book and his wife married him despite that. Sal was also talking about how his father would beat him up and beat him up the stairs, not even down the stairs. Gary said that Sal was telling him stories about his father almost making him a slave working at their pizza place and not letting him play any sports or stuff like that. Howard also heard that Sal isn't too bright. He asked Sal where Pearl Harbor is. Sal thought that it was in Japan. He also thought that we had bombed the Japs in Pearl Harbor. Howard asked him which two states were the last added to the United States. SAl said they were Puerto Rico and Hawaii. He said he doesn't know history that well and he was better at math. Sal knew that DC was District of Columbia so Howard decided to drop the whole thing and get ready for John Bon Jovi to come in.
Howard asked John about the group of people he had with him and spent a minute talking to this woman Lorenza who plays violin for him when he does these performances. Howard got back to John and said that he's holding up pretty good these days, unlike some band members who don't. He mentioned the guy from Flock of Seagulls who looked awful on ''Hit Me Baby One More Time'' earlier this year. Howard gave him a plug for the new Bon Jovi album ''Have a Nice Day'' which is out this week. He also heard that John travels around with a healer who was out in the hall earlier. Gary told Howard about some tests that the guy was giving him and how he was telling him he's ''out of balance'' and may need some help. Gary said he thought the guy was so odd that he wasn't sure if he had snuck into the station somehow. He wasn't sure if John let him in with him. John said he actually stole this guy away from Axl Rose back in 1992 and things have been great for him ever since then. The guy is usually a chiropractor but he also does a bunch of holistic stuff as well.
Howard said he had this cop Mike Gafne sitting in with his wife today but they didn't have anything to say. They were just in to watch the Bon Jovi performance. Howard had John go ahead and perform one of these songs that he does with the band. They performed a cover of The Beatles ''Help!'' that Howard seemed to really like. He said it was a really cool version of the song. Artie said that healer must really work. John said that the rest of the band (Bon Jovi) don't seem to mind when he goes out and does stuff like this. Howard figured he needs time like this to go out and do other stuff once in a while. John said he likes to do the acoustic stuff sometimes. Howard and Robin spent a few minutes talking about the friends that John keeps and how he seems to keep them away from Howard when Howard comes over to his house. Howard is John's dirty little secret according to Robin. John got some laughs out of that. Gary said that he heard Lorenza singing the Star Trek theme out in the hall so they asked her to do it in there. She did that and Howard thought that was pretty good. Lorenza said she couldn't believe she just did that on the air. Howard had them perform another Beatles song, this time it was ''Here Comes The Sun.'' It was another great performance. Howard said he was having a good time hearing this today.
A woman called in and asked to come up to meet John because she drove 4 hours to get there. She said she would leave her house to Howard in her will if she let her up there. Howard said he'll never get the house because she's only 32 years old. Gary came in and asked her what the first digit of her weight was... it was a 1. The second digit was a 6 and she was only 5'2'' tall so Howard wasn't sure he wanted to let her up there. He let her come up anyway. Another phone caller told John how great he and his band are. Howard gave John a couple of plugs for the new Bon Jovi album and for their web site BonJovi.com. Another woman told Howard she's not a fan of The Beatles but John made those songs sound so hot and sexy.
Howard said that John was going to perform one of the new songs off the new Bon Jovi album even though Bon Jovi wasn't there. John said they were going to perform ''Who Says You Can't Go Home.'' He explained a little about the song and then got right to it and performed it with the band he had with him. They sounded like they were very well rehearsed even though John made it sound like Howard was putting them on the spot asking them to perform a Bon Jovi song. Howard liked that song as well and told the guys that they gelled very well together. John said they were making it up as they went along though. Howard wondered what it was about people from New Jersey and if Artie or John were more ''Jersey'' than the other. John asked Artie what he puts on his Pork roll and cheese. Artie puts ketchup on his but John puts mustard. That has something to do with Jersey but no one was sure what. John also asked Artie about which football team he likes, the Giants or Jets. They both agreed on the Giants. Howard asked John about his family and mentioned he has four kids now.
Howard also heard that the woman who called in earlier was there to meet John. John saw her and said that she was cute. She didn't weigh the 160 pounds that Howard thought she did. She actually drove down from Boston to see John because she loves him so much. She said she's not married and doesn't even have a boyfriend so sometimes she pretends that John is her boyfriend. She said that he's hot and she's loved his music for a long time. She also said she's gone to see his shows ''a wicked lot of times.'' She asked for a hug from John but Howard didn't want her getting close to him.
John told Howard that it was kind of sad to be there in that studio for the last time. Howard said that he'll be back but not in that studio, probably at SIRIUS. John wished him luck over there and said he would be in to visit. Howard told him that he could use the C-word for a woman's private parts when he appears over there and John said he would do that just for Howard. Howard ended up giving the woman who drove down from Boston a $500 prize for coming in and then wrapped up the segment.
Howard asked the women why they were calling in this morning. Shane told Howard that the media isn't showing just how bad things are down where the hurricane hit. She said that people need to call the White House and let them know that the Humane Society isn't doing what they're supposed to be doing down there. They're letting animals die down there instead of saving them. That's why people are sneaking in and saving the animals themselves. Howard said he knows this is true because he's heard from some veterinarians who work with the North Shore Animal League that they have to go down there to save the pets that are still stuck down there.
Robin wondered if Shane and her sister are still sharing Shane's husband like they were in the past. Shane said she put a stop to that and told her sister to go get her own man. Howard said that was some gift that Shane was giving to her husband and it's a shame that she had to put a stop to that. They went through a period of straightening up and they all decided that it would be best not to continue to do that. Shane got back to the animal rescue and said that they really need volunteers to help out down there and not so much money. She and Jennifer told Howard that people also need to contact the Humane Society United States and tell them to stop blocking people from going in to save the animals. Jennifer said that you can go to RichardPryor.com to get more information on who is good and who is bad as far as the animal rescue goes.
Howard let the girls go after that. He was going to have Robin start her news but he was told he had to take a break first. He got sidetracked for a few minutes after bringing up a story that Liz Smith wrote about Dr. Phil and how he demanded to have Governor Schwarzenegger introduce him at an event he was at and when he was told he wouldn't be doing that, he got pissed off and was advised by Maria Schriver that he could leave if he didn't like it. Howard read through the article and thought it was great that Liz was showing what kind of person Dr. Phil really is. Howard has been calling the guy a jerk all these years and he believes he was right after reading that article.
Howard said that he fired Fred and he has Sal sitting in for him today. He's known the guy for 30 years and finally got rid of his ass because he was acting up. Turns out Howard was just joking around and Fred had an illness in the family and can't be in today or tomorrow so he offered Sal the chance to sit in his place. Sal has been told to do nothing. Gary said that he got a call from Sal yesterday and he was rehearsing for what he wanted to do today and he was looking for him to call Fred to ask him a question about the sound effects. Fred was busy with his own problems so that won't happen. Howard likes that Sal took things into his own hands and tried to get in some rehearsal. Howard wanted to test him out so he talked about a nasty rain storm. Sal just made some thunder sounds and car sound effects since he doesn't know where all of those clips are located. He had the ''This is better than rejuvination'' porn clip but that was about it. Howard wanted him to practice so he let him play a few other clips. He had all of the gay porn clips ready to go so he played some of those. He also played Danielle the Scores girl saying ''Vodka straight up, thank you!'' some other porn clips and some music clips as well. Howard said he loves Danielle and had her dance for him when he went over there a couple of weeks later. Sal wasn't nearly as fast getting the clips as Fred is so there was a bit of a delay on some of them.
Robin said that the passengers had to get into their crash position 4 minutes before the emergency landing actually happened so there were people crying and praying. The guys wondered how they would handle it if they knew they were going to be making an emergency landing. Howard said he couldn't write a letter to his family or anything like that because he would want to keep his hopes up. He said he would think about trying to have sex with a flight attendant if they knew they were going to die. Gary wondered why he would do it at all because if he lived, then he would have had sex with a stranger. Howard didn't understand what he was talking about and wondered how he made it out of college. Sal told Gary to get out of there while he tried to get his Baba Booey songs to play. Gary said that if Howard was married, and he had sex with a woman on the plane because he thought he was going to die, he'd be in trouble with his wife. Howard said that even in this hypothetical discussion, Gary is afraid of his wife. Gary said that he's got a flight tomorrow and it's a Jet Blue flight. He's getting on it no problem.
Richard Christy said that he looks for hot chicks when he gets on a flight so he can think about having sex with her if they're going to crash. The guys told him to make sure he asks first and doesn't just rape a woman because he thinks he's going to die. Richard said he would ask first but Robin said it would be horrible to be rejected right before you die.
Another guy called in and congratulated Sal on his chance to sit in Fred's chair. He was also wondering if Sal was getting closer to sleeping over at Howard's place. Howard said that won't be happening. Sal went on to tell the guys that his wife won't let his son dress up like Gene Simmons for Halloween. Sal is a big fan of KISS but his wife thinks that it has too much to do with the devil. Howard told Sal he has to realize what he's into with that marriage and he'd give him some advice after taking a commercial break. Howard told Sal that he should lay down the law and just let his kid dress up how he wants to for Halloween. Howard said that Gene Simmons must be thrilled that any kid wants to dress up like him. That led to Howard asking Sal about hassling Gene out on the street the other day. Artie said that Gene came up to him and knew who he was and spent a minute talking to him. Sal said that Gene was telling ARtie some horrible Jewish jokes so he was trying to joke around with him but Gene looked at him like he was the devil.
Trump had mentioned the women from ''Desperate Housewives'' so Howard went off on them for a short time saying that he's really sick of seeing them. Donald said he really likes Teri Hatcher and Eva Longoria but Howard doesn't think that Eva is all that hot. He asked Trump to give him a rating for each of the women like Nicolette Sherridan who has gone downhill. Trump said that she's about a 4-5 on a scale of 10. He said she used to be an 8 years ago down to a 4 or 5 now. Howard thought that she was a 9 back in the day but now she's way down there. Trump went on to say that they were all 10s so he doesn't get in trouble when the press picks up on the story. He said he always gets in trouble on Howard's show when he appears. Howard wanted him to be honest but Trump tried to avoid making any more comments about the women from the show. Howard wanted him to give a number for Marcia Cross who is also on that show. Donald eventually said that she is probably down there at the 4 level and Teri is probably around a 6. Eva Longoria got a higher score of an easy 7. Trump said she's very short at about 5'1'' tall but she's a great girl according to Trump. Howard asked him to give Carmen Electra a score but Trump said he didn't ever think she was a 10. He gave her an 8 but that's what he thinks of her in person. In magazines she is a 10 in his eyes. Howard asked Donald who he thinks is a 10, the best 10 of all time. Donald was trying to think about who that would be. Howard said he likes the way Trump thinks. He said that his own wife is a 10 of course. Howard asked him to give his ex-wife a rating but Trump didn't want to go there. He said that Ivana has been coming after him for 20 years and he doesn't want to make things worse. He said that she was a very beautiful woman back in the day. She's the mother of three of his children so he doesn't want to go there. He would always say that she's higher than Marcia Cross. Trump asked Howard to give him a rating for his ex-wife. Howard said she's a 10.
Howard tried to get Trump to talk about who the most famous 10 is that's out there today. Trump couldn't think of any but wanted to say that there are some 10s who aren't famous. He said he's seen all of these celebrities out there in person and none of them are real 10s in his eyes. Howard asked him about Halle Berry. Trump said that her torso is a 10 but her face is an 8 and below the waist, she doesn't get a 10. They talked about Pam Anderson and Donald gave her only a 6. Gwen Stefani is an 8 according to Donald. He gave Paris Hilton a 9. Jessica Simpson is an 8 or a 9. They talked about the Olsen Twins and Trump said that they were never hot and never will be. Howard told Donald that Jolene Blalock is a 10 but Trump didn't know who that was. Trump said there were no 10s at the Emmy awards the other night and his girlfriend was the most beautiful woman there. He claims that Entertainment Tonight even said that she was the most beautiful woman there.
Howard asked Trump if he's ever made love to a black woman. Trump said he has and it was AJ Benza's ex-girlfriend Kara Young. Donald wanted to get in some plugs for his ''The Apprentice'' show but Howard talked to him about the Jewish theory his friends had about Donald. He told him the story about his friends talking about how the trump family must have changed their name years ago but Howard did some research and found out that they never were Jewish. Donald got back to ''The Apprentice'' thing and talked about Martha Stewart and how he hand picked her to do the show. He said her show aired last night but everyone was probably watching the Jet Blue emergency landing.
Howard read that one of the girls on Donald's show is shown as an ''owner of salons'' but she was actually a stripper who used to give lap dances to this guy who ended up killing people to get money to get the lap dances. Trump said that she's very good on the show and he's really looking forward to this season. He said he didn't like season 3 and he's now happy because he went and picked the people for this season. He said he picked everyone himself and they have two 10s that he hand picked. One girl on the show is one of the most beautiful women he's ever seen in his life. Donald said that this season is going to be even better than season one was.
Eric the Midget called in and said he wanted to talk to Mr. Trump about getting a job in the hotel business. Howard told Eric he had 3 seconds with Mr. Trump and wanted him to get right to it. Eric had some ideas for hotels and told Trump that he would like to see a hotel/casino where they host sports teams in Las Vegas. Howard cut him off and said he would forward a letter to Trump if he sends him something. Trump said that it was a brilliant idea but he ended up telling him ''You're fired'' after thinking about it for a few seconds. Howard gave Donald a plug for tonight's ''The Apprentice'' which airs at 9pm on NBC. Donald told Howard to watch and let him know what he thinks about the women on there. Howard found out that Trump is getting sex from Melania more than 3 times a week. Howard said he doesn't even do it that much all the time. Trump said it's actually ''much more'' than 3 times a week. He was also telling Howard about how he's been making speeches lately and getting paid ridiculous amounts of money to do them. He said he has to walk to some of these events once in a while but it's worth it to him to make that kind of money. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Sean said that Gary told him that he makes enough money and he should let Richard make some money. Sean was also thinking that the 50 percent thing was a bit high for Richard. Howard said that he doesn't think that anyone is going to see a dime from this deal so they'll be lucky to make $800 off the deal. Howard asked SEan why he doesn't just forget about putting this out on CD. Sean said that he would do that because it's not about the money. Richard said that Sean did offer to give him a third of ring tone sales but nothing about five percent. He doesn't know where that came from. Richard said that Gary is helping him out by referring people for him to talk to about this stuff. Howard told everyone that they could all avoid this stuff if they just drop the whole thing. Gary and Sean were going back and forth about each other not ''being a man'' and talking about what they really talked about. Howard wanted to get this over with and settle the whole thing. Robin told Sean that he needs to work with Gary to be on the show but Gary said he doesn't really have to, he can work with Will Murray if he wants to.
Howard told the guys to just skip the whole thing and forget about giving the song to Staind at all. Richard was willing to just go 50/50 but Sean doesn't think Richard deserves the 50 percent. He said that if Staind performs the song they wouldn't want to have Richard on stage, they're going to want Beetlejuice. Howard said that the song wouldn't have been created if Richard didn't spend time putting the music to the song. Richard said he put about 6-8 hours of work into the song and Beetlejuice put in about 2 minutes of work just saying a bunch of jibberish. Sean thinks that the show doesn't appreciate what Beetlejuice has become on the show over the years. Howard had Jenny McCarthy waiting to come in so he had to wrap it up. He said that the whole thing is insanity and they all have to get along civilly. If they can't do that, they may have to end the association immediately. Robin said that Sean has to be able to work with the people on the show and no one wants to see Beetlejuice leave the show. Howard said that none of this should be painful, it should be fun. Sean said that he asks for permission before he does anything with Beetlejuice and the show. Howard said that this is all silly and it's about nothing. The Staind record is going to make zero dollars and they're ruining a relationship over nothing according to Robin. Howard told Sean that if he's insulted by what Richard is asking for, he should drop it and not do the deal. If they can't be friends, they should all move on with their lives.
Gary told Sean that he should work with Will for now and maybe they can work things out down the line. He asked Sean not to email him for a while and he can work things out with Will. Sean said that was fine. Richard also said that Sean never offered him only 5 percent, it was 1/3 or 33 percent of the deal. Dominic Barbara called in and gave the guys some advice and told SEan that it's not fair to threaten Gary. Sean said he didn't hear him on the phone so he doesn't know what was said. Dominic said that Sean is a punk and he'd better not threaten him. Sean asked ''fat boy'' what he was going to do about it. The two of them went back and forth for a few seconds arguing and then SEan asked Dominic to meet him somewhere. Dominic told him he was a child and Sean called him a ''fat mess'' right before he hung up. Nothing was resolved at that point. Sean and Gary started to get into it again and Sean was saying that when people treat you like crap, you smack them to get them in line. Gary said that's not the way to handle things and you can't just go around smacking people to resolve things. That will stop people from wanting to work with you if you go ahead and smack people around. Sean said that throwing your weight around is the way to get people's attention.
Richard said that he believes that he's right asking for 50 percent but he'd be afraid of working with Beetlejuice in the future with Sean talking like this. Howard took a call from Crazy Susan who wanted to tell him how great the show has been lately and how great Robin has been. Howard took another call from someone who wanted to comment on Sean. He said that Sean seems to be a greedy person and that's what this is all about. Sean told them earlier that he didn't care about the money with this song. Sean agreed that there would be no Beetlejuice without Howard and he doesn't think he's greedy. Howard said that Sean isn't being greedy, he's just got his own point of view. Sean bragged that he doesn't have pop up ads on his web site like other people affiliated with the show do. He said he doesn't ask for prizes and money from the show like others do either. Gary said that it's okay to ask for stuff if they need it but Sean said they don't ask. Gary gave him a plug for his web site JollyDwarf.com and said they don't have a problem giving them plugs for that either. Howard took some more phone calls for Sean and then asked Sean if he's going to smack anyone. Sean said that won't happen but Gary said that's because he can't get in the building.
Sean got in a plug for a gig Beetlejuice and High Pitch Eric will be at on September 30th at The Crazy Leprechaun. Check JollyDwarf.com for more info on that. Sean's lawyer called in a short time later and said that Beetlejuice laid down the lyrics and the basic melody and Richard just made it better. That's why Richard may not deserve the 50% they think he does. Howard told the guy that if they can't agree on the whole thing they should just drop it and move on. He went to break a short time later.
Howard asked Jenny if she's ever pleasured herself to his show. She said she has but it was to a guest, not to Howard. She said that guest was Carmen Electra and that's why she put her in her movie. Jenny was ready to hop right into bed with Howard and some other chicks if he wanted to do something. Howard said he could probably get Carmen to participate. Jenny said that she can't believe how horny she is now that she's single again. She asked Howard if he was pleasuring himself a lot after his divorce. Howard said he didn't have time to do that because he went on a tear after he and his wife split. He slept with a bunch of women but not ''everyone'' like Jenny thought. Howard and Jenny tried to talk about the third input but the delay was being hit multiple times. The whole sex discussion was being chopped up horribly so we missed out on quite a bit of it.
Jenny was telling Howard that she likes his ''lean'' look and even his nose. Howard asked Jenny if she's clean and made sure she doesn't have any STDs. He said he'd probably go in there bareback. Jenny thought about asking Beth to be in her movie but she was afraid that she and Howard would break up and then Howard would rip the movie. Jenny told Howard that she's been getting into watching amateur porn lately and he told her that she sure sounds like a fun girl. Jenny said she was sick of regular porn so she started watching the amateur stuff because it seems more real and you know their best friend is filming it. Howard said that they could be just creating the movies to look like amateur stuff. Howard asked her to describe their first date. Jenny said that she would be a tease in the beginning. Howard said he'd like that but she said that they'd probably get to some foreplay but it would be 2 weeks before third base. She said it would actually be about the third or fourth date before that happens. Howard told her that he'd probably be done in about a second until he got used to things with her. Then, after getting used to her, he'd last a long time. Jenny told Howard he can't wait until they get to the new place because they're going to have a lot of fun over there. Howard wondered if he would get sick of her or not. He figured that he wouldn't as long as she was doing other chicks and stuff like that. Jenny seems to be into all of that so they probably would have fun.
Jenny was writing a book about how to make a marriage last but she filed for divorce after 30 chapters were written. She had to change the name of the book after that happened. Howard moved on to talk to Jenny about his new movie she's done called ''Dirty Love'' and wanted to play the Ebert and Roeper review for her. She really didn't want to hear it though. She was afraid that it would be bad and it would ruin her mood. She was explaining a scene in the movie where she slips and slides in menstrual blood but the delay hits were coming once again. Howard said he thinks that Jenny could answer the criticism but she asked Howard not to play the clip. He was going to play a game with her and see how long she'd last. She wanted to play with Howard instead. He said okay to that and said they could spank her or tickle her. The tickle chair was missing but Gary came in and said that it was just down the hall. They had her get in the tickle chair so Howard could tickle her himself. He wanted her to get nude in the chair or else he would play the movie review.
Jenny was strapped in a few seconds later so Howard went over to tickle her. Jenny said she would be disappointed if he didn't go somewhere dirty while he was tickling her. Howard said he was going to be all over her. Jenny was worried because she was all sweaty. Howard wanted to see just how sweaty she was and asked her to lift her arms up. She wanted him to go in through her bra. Howard said she was kind of stinky. Gary offered her some water and ''accidentally'' spilled some on her chest. Jenny said she wanted Howard to tickle her boobs. He had her lift up her arms and started to tickle her. She laughed hysterically as he went under her arms and tickled her. Gary told him to try her thighs so that's where he went next. She held back for a few seconds but Scott the Engineer played the first 3-4 words of the Ebert and Roeper review to get her to comply. She told Howard that she wasn't wearing panties today. Gary asked Jenny if he could cup her breast and she agreed to let him do it under the shirt. Gary said he's always loved her and thanked her for letting him go in there. Howard copped a feel as well but she didn't want Artie to feel her up because she wasn't a buffet. Howard tickled her some more and she was going nuts having an epileptic seizure according to Robin. Howard thought about what to do next. He said that she should have been in lingerie. Gary suggested that they take her shirt off but she didn't want to go there. Jenny asked Howard to dry hump her for a minute or two. He was up for that so he wondered how to go about doing that. Jenny was soaking wet at this point because she was sweating so much. Jenny asked Howard to go pleasure himself while she watched. Howard and Robin didn't think that would make for good radio.
Howard was whispering to Jenny and she was playing along with him and asking him to hop on top of her to have some fun. Richard Christy came in and offered to pleasure himself in front of her. She seemed to be a bit surprised that someone would do that in front of her... but he pulled it out and started to do it. Richard asked her to show more of her breasts as he was doing it. She showed him a little more and then Tom came in and told Richard to stop doing what he was doing. Howard said he wasn't really doing anything, he was just pretending.
Howard gave Jenny a plug for her movie and web site DirtyLoveFilm.com. Jenny said that she shows her boobs in the movie. Howard said that anyone who would put up with this deserves a plug for the movie. Howard tickled her a little more and had her laughing again a little bit. Richard asked to feel one of her breasts but Jenny wouldn't allow it. Howard wrapped up after that and went to break.
David Spade was on the phone so Howard had to explain to him what they had just done. David seemed to think it was pretty funny. Howard asked him about his new TV show ''The Showbiz Show'' and how that's been getting rated. David said that he liked the NY Times review but as he was telling Howard about it, his phone kept cutting out. Howard asked him to call back on another line. David asked him not to do anything else because he was going to call right back. Gary wondered if David is dating anyone right now. Howard said he heard that he wasn't. Spade confirmed that when he called back a few seconds later. Howard told him to get his hands on Jenny McCarthy right now because she's so worked up right now. David said she was at a party of his not too long ago. He had Jenny and Jim Carrey there among others. Robin said that's why his TV show isn't going to be that great because he won't goof on friends of his. David claims that he'll goof on a Jim Carrey if there's a good reason to. David talked about the party that David had and how he had a lot of big guests there. He had Kid Rock and Scott Weiland performing songs with him at the Karaoke thing. He had people like Kevin Costner and Bruce Willis at the party.
Howard gave David a plug for his show ''The Showbiz Show'' and how funny he thought it was. He saw the first show that aired last week and thought he had goofed on quite a few big celebrities. He goofed on Britney Spears and Nicole Richie but Robin didn't think that Nicole was that big of a star. Howard wanted to hear what David would say about Demi Moore but he didn't really want to go there. Howard brought up the model Caprice that David dated for a little while. Howard doesn't think she's all that hot now that he's seen her on The Surreal Life. David said she was a sweet girl though.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he thinks Jenny is the hottest chick out there. David thought that the call was about a half hour late. Howard said people were still worked up over it. He said that David gets nuts if you stop talking to him and he'd be afraid to have him sit in on the show all morning because he'd go crazy if they didn't talk to him. David was ready to bust Artie's balls this morning about his drinking. He had a joke to tell about Artie but it didn't fly, the delay was hit. Howard told him to save that for when they move to satellite. Howard said he and David have spoken about Artie off the air and David has told him how he thinks Artie is a pussy for not being able to drink. Another phone caller told Howard that the Jenny McCarthy thing really turned her on. A guy called in and said that it was the hottest segment on the show since he started listening in 1985. Now he's feeling like he slammed into a brick wall since David was on.
Howard asked David how things are at Comedy Central. Spade said that they don't pay him much... but at least he has long hours to work. Howard gave him another plug for his show which airs tonight at 10:30pm on Comedy Central. David asked him if he's going to try and make something happen between Beth and Jenny McCarthy. Howard said he'll try to work that into a conversation but Beth may or may not agree to do anything. He said her right answer would be to say ''yes'' about having another woman in bed though. Jeff the Drunk called in a short time later and told the guys that he went to McDonalds yesterday and ordered up some food... Howard cut him off and hung up on him because the story wasn't going anywhere. David thought the story was building to something but no one believed that. Howard let David go a short time after that.
Comedian Craig Gass was there to hang out during the news so Sal went off on him about how sick he gets of the constant Gene Simmons impressions that he does in the car on the way to comedy shows. Howard took a call from a guy who said that it's a tragedy that Howard isn't getting all of this stuff on video tape because it's so great. Howard talked about how the company hasn't let the E! crew return to capture the video these last few months so they're out of luck.
Howard told Craig about what Sal was just saying about him earlier since he missed it. Craig said he thought that Sal liked KISS. Sal told him he does like KISS but not that much that he wants to hear a watered down version of Gene Simmons all the time. Craig thought it was funny that Howard asked Jenny about having any STDs. The guys talked about their STD scares over the years and Craig said that he actually had Chlamydia at on point. He said he went in for an HIV test and found out he had Chlamydia instead. Howard took a phone call from a guy who asked Howard if Beth is going to be jealous of what went on with Jenny today. Howard said Beth is great and he's a lucky man. The caller said he wanted to follow Howard to satellite but he can't afford to buy the system. Howard ended up giving him a $500 prize so he could get it.
Craig went into his Adam Sandler impression but Howard had no idea what impression he was doing. He had to ask him what it was. Then Craig went ahead and did some jokes where he called David Spade a fag and some other stuff. Sal said that Craig does his impressions when they do sound checks at the comedy shows so he's always doing them. They cut away to a ''Jack and Rod Show'' bit that included Craig doing his Sam Kinison impression as they were talking to an ADD expert by the name of Colleen Vessy. Howard talked about how he thinks he has ADD and has never been able to read books and stuff. Robin said she's pretty sure she has it as well because she can't read a book either. She said she thinks it's contagious.
Bong Hit Eric called in and told Howard that the picture of Jenny and her wet jeans was crazy. Howard said she wasn't wearing any panties so it went right through her jeans. Jason was the one who caught the picture so they congratulated him on that. Eric also congratulated Artie on getting back together with Jack Daniels. Howard showed Craig the picture that they had of Jenny and he snapped out of his Kinison character saying ''that's for real?'' Howard said Jenny kind of ran right out of there after the interview and it was probably all for the air. Richard Christy said that he wants to buy those pants from her and he's all sore in his ''dirty area'' after that interview. Craig said that they did a show down in Orlando and they drove past the storage facility that he was living out of years ago. He said that Richard told them that there was one other guy living in there who creeped him out so much he didn't want to let him know which storage unit he was living in. Richard said the guy actually looked like the BTK killer.
Richard said that he had a funny story about Craig calling his girlfriend one time he was driving with him but the story went no where so Howard told him to go back out and stare at that picture of Jenny McCarthy's wet pants. He went to break after giving Craig a plug for his web site IHateComedians.com.
Craig told a story about a waitress he banged and how she didn't look that old the night before but when he saw her in the daylight, he was shocked. He said he asked her how old she was and got the worst answer in the world... ''Well, how old do I look?'' Howard had Robin start her news after that. Zolar called in a short time later and said that Craig will F just about anything that moves. He said Craig saw a girl on his web site and actually flew her into Atlanta so he could meet her. Craig said that the story line was way out of whack... Howard cut him off and took a couple more phone calls before Robin got back to her news.
High Pitch Eric tried calling in as Kelly Clarkson but he had nothing else to say after that so Howard hung up on him. Craig did some of his Tom Arnold impression a little later on during the news. Howard thought the impression was pretty good. Craig was also doing a little Gilbert Gottfried and Tracy Morgan from Saturday Night Live. Howard thought he should stick to impressions they know. They ended the show around 10:35am.
Howard started off the show talking about how little sleep he was able to get last night and what a long day he had ahead of him today. He's thinking about bailing out of half of what he has planned. He talked about what they did there yesterday after the show and how they had a meeting about the roast they're going to do when they move to SIRIUS. He had some meetings with the guys he's working with on his remakes of ''Porkey's'' and ''Rock and Roll High School.'' Today, after the show, he has a meeting ''somewhere else'' that's supposed to be a 4 hour meeting. He's got a little too much going on right now so he's not sure what he's going to do. He thinks he's got too much going on at this point. Doug Goodstein contacted him and asked for a half hour meeting but he fired back with an e-mail asking him if he knows just how busy he is. He realizes that he's being kind of snippy but that's because he's got so much going on. Then he got home and snapped at Beth and she muttered something about dealing with a bad period but he didn't care because of everything he has going on. He said he knows that he's dealing with dopey things like the Howard Channels, Porkey's and other nonsense. Meanwhile there are people trying to get out of New Orleans to get away from another hurricane.
Howard said he had to try and avoid running into Mariann from Brooklyn this morning when he came in. She was downstairs holding up a sign and screaming at him but he didn't understand what she was yelling at him. He asked his security guy Mike to figure out what she was talking about. She was apparently asking to come up for a couple of minutes this morning so he agreed to let her come up just to shut her up. He said that he didn't want to give her time on the air. Robin said she heard from her as well and she wants to talk to Howard about doing a show on SIRIUS because women will relate to her. Howard said that Sal was muttering something when he arrived in the studio and he realized that just 14 months ago Sal was the one down on the street trying to get his attention. Artie said that he has a cousin who thinks that since Howard hired him, everything thinks that they can get hired on the show. Howard said that's probably true because they have 2 guys working there who used to live in storage rooms. Richard and Benjy are those two people. Howard told Artie that he can't take the blame for the show jumping the shark, it's Benjy who should take that honor.
Howard had some audio clips from ''The View'' because they had Larry King on the show singing for Barbara Walters. He didn't know why he had so much resentment toward Larry but he realized it's because the guy has gotten away with doing nothing in his career to get so much attention. He played the clip of Larry singing this song to Barbara. It turns out Larry was on the show to help his wife promote her album. Howard said his wife isn't even all that terrible but you know there's something wrong with her when you see her with Larry King. Robin thinks that even she probably sees something wrong with herself when she looks at pictures of them together. Howard said that he feels the same way about the women on The View as Hitler did about the Jews but he's not going to do anything about them because he's a pacifist.
Howard brought up Melissa Rivers and how she was on the Red Carpet at the Emmys talking to Dennis Leary sharing stories about starting out at MTV. Howard said he didn't even know she was at MTV at any point. He played some audio of that interview where she was attempting the interview but there was a loud speaker right near them that was interrupting it. She continued to talk to him though. Howard pointed out the speech impediment that she has and goofed on that a little bit.
Howard played some more new Douche 100 bumpers and talked about what he'll be doing this weekend. He's going to be listening to tapes of a bunch of radio guys, and girls, who are auditioning to get put on his channels over at SIRIUS. He took a call from Double A who brought up the pictures of Jenny McCarthy who was on the show yesterday. There was a bunch of mail about her appearance yesterday and people thought Howard was pretty strong to have been able to avoid hopping on top of her when she invited him to do that. Howard said that he should have gotten a medal for being able to turn that down. There was some mail about the wet spot on Jenny's jeans while Howard was tickling her. Double A suggested that Howard get Beth O in the tickle chair and to let him come in and spray her down with water. He's still in love with her and thinks she's the most beautiful woman out there. Howard read some more mail about Jenny McCarthy and how excited she must have been in that tickle chair yesterday. Double A kept telling Howard to get Beth on his web site because it would make that site the place to be and it would ''blow up'' if he did that. Howard said he's not going to put her in the tickle chair, he's already got her in bed so he doesn't need to do that.
Howard said that Jenny was great on the show yesterday because she had such a good time and said everything that he wanted to hear. He figures she's a great actress because she ran right out of there after the interview. That led to the guys talking about the reviews her movie is getting and how bad they are. Artie said they put in the full title of the movie today. It was called ''Dirty Love Half A Star'' since it got such horrible reviews. Double A asked Howard about what he's going to do with his channels over at SIRIUS and how he's going to know what to do if the wack packers get on there. Howard didn't really have an answer for him yet. Gary said that's the reason Mariann was there today as well. She was going to pitch her show ideas.
Howard read some mail about Donald Trump's call to the show yesterday. Someone said that he thought the interview was great and they should have a weekly interview where Howard and Donald rate hot chicks. Howard read some mail about Sal taking over for Fred yesterday. That led to Howard talking about how Fred's father passed away and that's why he's out for a couple of days. Fred really loved that guy too so it's a real shame. Fred never told them that it was his father who died, they found out from Tom who heard it from someone else. Howard said it is kind of sad that Fred wasn't the one who told them about the death. He feels like Fred doesn't really know them that well and doesn't feel he can tell them stuff like that.
Howard got back to the mail and said that they got one positive e-mail about Craig Gass doing the show and they really liked the impressions he was doing. Gary said that Craig was really good on the show yesterday and they love the guy even though they were busting his balls through the news. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard moved on to the Top 5 songs which included artists like Missy Elliott, Bow Wow, Mariah Carey (twice) and Kanye West with Jaime Foxx. They threw in some Baba Booey song parodies as well. Howard went on to play the cover of ''Help!'' that John Bon Jovi performed on the show the other day. Robin had almost forgotten that it was ''Help!'' that John had performed because he did it so differently. Howard introduced it as a goofy deejay on Douche 100. Sal, who was sitting in for Fred, threw in some crying sound effects as the song was starting out. Howard continued to do his douchey deejay thing with some song parodies that Sal was playing. Of course they were mostly Baba Booey song parodies. Gary told Howard that Sal had rehearsed the other day to prepare to take over for Fred and had Jason sit in and pretend to do a radio show while he practiced his sound effect technique. Howard said that Sal is one motivated dude.
Howard was going to play another Bon Jovi song but he played some new gay porn clips instead. He said that they've found a new genre of gay porn which is gay black porn. He played some clips of that and got some laughs out of them. Howard said that they're ''very ebonic'' after listening to them.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was listening to the NAB (National Association of Broadcasters) award show and he was surprised not to hear Howard's name mentioned as a nominee. Howard said he thinks that they don't like him so they never nominate him or give him awards. He remembers pissing off Rick Dees and Larry King one year that he was nominated and he hasn't been nominated since then. The caller said that Rush Limbaugh won an award but Rush didn't show up to accept his award for Best Syndicated Radio Show Host. He said some other guy accepted an award and the guy mentioned that he didn't see Howard Stern there being nominated. The caller was also saying that the award show was ''Rally 'Round Radio'' because they're all trying to support the industry now that satellite radio is taking off. Howard thinks they're all in a panic now. He said that even his company used to let their deejays work at both their stations and at satellite but once he signed on to do it, they put a stop to it. Howard said that he's been talking to people about SIRIUS and they're loving the programming on there better than what's on regular radio. The caller told Howard he'll be listening to Howard on Douche 100 when they move to SIRIUS. Another caller told Howard that she loves the Douche 100 idea and they should keep that idea. Howard said he's just playing with ideas at this point but they could stick with it. He had to go to break after that.
Howard told Sal that he can't use their rolodex to call his favorite porn star. Sal asked Will for Audrey Hollander's phone number so he could just call her and tell her what a fan of hers he is. Sal likes that she will let a guy beat her in the face with their private parts and get abused on film. Sal said that he was just doing some research. He was trying to make sure that he doesn't have to deal with it when he gets home to his wife. Will didn't give Sal the number but Sal was trying to get it from him. Howard said that Sal has tried to get other phone numbers of celebrities but it's inappropriate for him to do things like that. Sal was going to do a pre-interview this woman even though she's not booked to do the show. Howard told him that there's no need for a pre-interview if she's not going to be on the show for an interview. Sal said he'd be ahead of the game if he did the pre-interview. Howard tried to get it through Sal's head that he can't go around doing stuff like that. He doesn't want him using his name to get in touch with people who he wants to rub one out to. Robin reminded Sal about Siobhan looking up Howard's phone number at Jackie's house one time and told him that's exactly what he did. Sal kept playing Baba Booey sound effects while he was getting yelled at since he was sitting in for Fred today.
A caller asked if Howard had any games to play. Howard said he had a bunch of games to play and gave the caller a choice. He picked a Beetlejuice game where they ask him questions a couple of times to see if he answers the same way twice. Howard killed some time talking about the ''Dancing with the Stars'' dance off and how John O'Hurley won that over Kelly Monaco. He eventually got the game he wanted to play so he got into that. He would play a clip of Beetlejuice being asked a question two times and the caller had to guess if he would answer the same way twice. Here are the questions and Beet's answers:
A caller asked Howard for Donald Trump's phone number so he could call him and tell him how good he was on the show yesterday. Howard asked Sal if that was okay to do since they were going off on him about that kind of thing earlier. That led to the guys talking about the Martha Stewart ''Apprentice'' show and how it got really low ratings this week. Howard read that it got 7.7 million viewers and they were disappointed in those numbers. Artie wondered how Trump's show did but that just aired last night. Howard was asked about Survivor but he hadn't seen that or the season premiere of ''Lost.'' He heard that ''Lost'' was good and Robin confirmed that. Howard talked about ''Rock Star: INXS'' and how bad Brooke Burke was on that show. He also talked about how the four guys left in INXS don't talk about how their lead singer killed himself while masturbating. They're also doing nothing at this point and there was no reason to find a lead singer for the band if they don't create music that anyone is listening to. Howard spent some time talking about ''The Biggest Loser'' and how hard they're pushing these fat people on the show to lose weight. He got back to the INXS show and played some audio of one of the finalists singing a song that he wrote and performed on the show. Howard thought the song was actually pretty good and the band didn't pick him as the winner. He thought that guy should have been the winner because the song could have been a hit. Robin said it was the stupidest song she's ever heard. Howard said she doesn't know anything about music and wouldn't listen to her anyway.
A listener called in and told Howard that he's able to hear Howard's show on the web every day thanks to other fans who make it available on the web. He also said that SIRIUS has the show available on the web so you don't even have to own a radio to hear his show. Howard thanked him for calling in and Artie wished him luck with the Methadone. The caller wondered how they knew but it wasn't hard to figure out. Howard said that Artie sounded like that a week ago. He gave the guy a $500 prize after he said he was a veteran. The caller was also telling Howard that he lives out in Columbus and stopped listening to the station that broadcasted his show once they dropped it and put on the Grego show.
A woman called in and told Howard that her husband refused to buy her a SIRIUS radio this Christmas. She thinks that he's jealous of her listening to him. She said that she's going to buy it herself because her husband is so cheap he just doesn't want to pay for the radio. She said they don't even have cable, they have a big antenna on their roof for TV. She said they're probably the only ones in New Jersey who don't have cable. Jeff the Drunk called in a short time later and said that he has SIRIUS and he didn't have to pay for it. He didn't ask anyone for it but someone gave it to him. He also said that it was all paid for so he doesn't even have to pay the monthly fee. Howard thinks he just nagged someone for the radio and someone caved in and gave it to him. He also thinks that he should give Jeff a half hour show over at SIRIUS so he can hear what he'd do. He and Artie goofed on Jeff for a couple of minutes and then went to commercial break.
Howard played a new Jack and Rod show bit that Sal and Richard did with Evil Dave Letterman. They interviewed a Sharon Jackson who wrote a book about date rape drugs called ''Who's Watching Your Drink?'' (WatchYourDrink.com) The bit was chopped up thanks to the delay button being hit a couple of times. The woman thought that she was really talking to David Letterman but he got so dirty that she hung up on them. Howard got some laughs out of it but he probably didn't realize that the delay had been hit so many times during the play.
Howard took some phone calls after that and one guy asked to play another game but he didn't want to get into another one. He had some more tapes to get to so he played one of Gary the Retard leaving a message where he told them to call him back ''ISP'' instead of saying ''ASAP.'' They also had a new ''Retard of the Week'' bit that Gary the Retard does for them weekly. Gary says that this week's retard is Oprah Winfrey because of the whole Hermes store debacle. Howard played a few more audio clips like the ''What if...'' bit that Sal created about the Wack Pack members and how things would suck if they were normal. That led into a song parody that the crew on the show sang about Howard being ''A Wonderful Guy.''
Howard asked the girls to get into bikinis so he could see what they looked like. Richard told Howard that he needs Howard's help when it comes to hooking up with chicks like this. He needs an ear piece in so he can get his suggestions. Howard asked Artie if he could believe what a homo this guy is. Artie said that even he could have closed that deal if he had them up in his apartment. Tom Chiusano came in and talked about how crazy it was that Richard wasn't able to make this happen even as horny as he seems to be. He said that he's a sex addict but he's addicted to himself. The girls came out of the bathroom in their bikinis a minute later and Howard thought they looked pretty good. Richard said he wanted to go back to the office and punch himself in the private parts. Howard let the girls get a plug in for their ''Condiment Girls'' calendar that they put out themselves. The girls said that guys are really into it and like to see that kind of stuff. Howard checked out their calendar and said that they looked cute on the April and June month pictures. You can get the calendar at CondimentGirls.com. They claim that 20 percent of the proceeds are going to the victims of Hurricane Katrina. Howard didn't believe that was going to happen. Artie said he can't wait for a year from now when they're being arraigned on charges for that.
Howard told Richard to blow off that concert and spend the night with these girls. Richard said he might have to do that because Stryper will be around next week on Long Island. The girls said they would love to stay at his apartment tonight and they can't wait for him to get a bigger apartment so they can get more girls in there. Howard let the girls go after that and went to commercial break.
Howard had Mike get to his game so here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Around 10:05 Howard got in a plug for the web site BSNews.org which is a site where he got a fake news story about President Bush that he read on the air the other day. Howard didn't know that's where the story came from since Dan the Song Parody Man had sent it to him. Robin wrapped up her news after that and Howard ended the show around 10:15am.