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| Friday | This Week On E! |
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Howard started off the show asking the guys what they did this weekend. Artie said he just had dinner out with Dana this weekend. Howard said that his ''post drinking'' life sounds pretty exciting. Artie talked about the places he went with Dana and how great they were. They went to a place called Frankie and Johnny's over in Hoboken where he lives. He said everything is within walking distance to his place over there so he doesn't have to travel into the city to eat. He was talking about drinking Cokes at dinner and how that may just kill him even faster than booze would. Sometimes he has as many as six Cokes when he's eating. He was also claiming that he can get a high off of cheese if he eats too much of the stuff. Howard and Robin thought that sounded pretty crazy and laughed at him for a couple of minutes.
Richard Christy came in and talked about the pictures that are on that DVD. He was talking about certain scenes that he likes and Howard told him that he's got problems because he could probably finish in seconds watching the porn stuff but it took him 3 hours to finish when he was with a real woman for the first time in a long time. Howard told him he must have some intimacy problems. Richard talked about how he categorizes all of the pictures he saves. He's got the best pictures listed as ''F***ing hottest picture ever'' and things like that. Richard was also telling Howard how he tried pleasuring himself by turning his hand around the opposite way than he usually does. He said it was like having a new person doing it to him.
Howard heard that Richard had Sal stay over at his apartment over the weekend. He said that was true and they had done a comedy show that night so Sal stayed over. Sal came in and talked about how creepy it was staying over there. He said that Richard has black sheets and they're all stained even though Richard thinks they can't be stained. Sal said it looked like he had some pancake stuff stained on them. Sal was going to go home that night but he had to drive Richard home so he just ended up staying over. He talked about how creepy Richard's apartment was. The elevator didn't work so they had to walk up, then they opened the door and it creaked open. Sal said that it was freezing in the apartment because Richard likes to sleep in the cold. Sal curled up in a ball in the corner to try and get warm. Then Richard asked him if he wanted to watch comedy or horror even though it was already 2:30 in the morning. Howard said Richard probably keeps it cold in that apartment so he'd have to cuddle up with him. That led to Artie and Howard goofing on the guy saying that Richard was probably saying that it's nice and warm inside of him.
Sal said that he eventually had to pull some of the blanket on to him and when he did that, he may have touched his ass to Richard's ass. Howard jokingly said ''Hey, how did you get in my mouth'' in his Richard voice. He and Artie kept going at it and made some more gay jokes about Richard. Richard was telling the guys that he and Sal had watched ''Creep Show'' that night and Artie wondered how that DVD could have stayed in his collection over all of the times that he's moved. Richard asked Sal if he had tickled his ass when they woke up the next morning because that's what he thought he felt. Sal said that Richard must have been fantasizing. Richard also told Howard that he pleasured himself in the bathroom after Sal fell asleep. He couldn't hold back because he can't wait for Sunday to come around. He said he'd be tired today if he had pleasured himself on Sunday. He takes his job so seriously that he doesn't pleasure himself on Sunday. Howard said that you can see Richard's apartment on his web site under Vagina Corner.
Sal said that Richard was doing really vile Christopher Reeve jokes at the comedy club they were performing at and a bunch of older ladies in their 80's started walking out. Artie said that Richard may be the dirtiest comic he's ever seen. He worked with him one night and thought that he was okay for a beginner but he was really dirty. That led to the guys asking Richard to tell some of the Christopher Reeve jokes. Richard told one about how they're remaking the movie ''Ghost'' with Dana Reeve starring in it and it only lasts a minute because Christopher can't make it up the stairs. Then they spend the rest of the movie watching Reeve trying to push the elevator button with his head. Sal said he was laughing his ass off that nigh just to give Richard confidence so he'll tell the jokes again. Howard had to take a break after that.
Howard said that Gary made an appearance this weekend and no one showed up. Gary said he had about 200 people show up when he made an appearance up in Boston and almost none at this place he was at over the weekend. High Pitch Eric and Fred the Elephant Boy showed up but that was about it. Gary said that there was a stench coming off of Elephant Boy and he may have soiled himself. Gary said the smell just about knocked him over. Gary said that he didn't want to believe that it was him but once he left, the smell was gone. The guys were wondering what went on there and why he would show up to an appearance like that. Gary tried to get away from the stink but Fred wouldn't let him be. Gary went back in the office and had the guys call Fred so they could find out what went on.
Fred the Elephant Boy was on the phone but there was some audio coming over the line because he has problems with his line. He gets an AM station coming over the line somehow so he had to switch phones. Howard said the guy has a lot of problems today. He put him on hold so he could get a different phone. Gary said that Fred has been using a fanny pack for years and it's gotten bigger now so it's like the size of a purse. Fred was back on the line a minute later. He told Howard that he did have a problem that day and he didn't have any notice for that mess to come. Howard wanted to know how something like that happens and why he would stay there like that. Fred said that he messed his pants about the time he was getting to the appearance as he was coming in on the train. He didn't bother to turn around and go home though. Howard asked him if he considered going home. Fred said that he thought about it but wanted to see if he could stick around for a little while at the appearance. As he was asking Fred about this, the delay was hit a couple of times. Fred was telling Howard that he didn't stay at the appearance for too long like that but he did stick around for a few minutes.
Howard said it must have been uncomfortable for Fred to stand there with the stuff in his pants. Fred said he did stop at a bathroom and tried to clean himself up a little bit before he got there. He had stopped at a supermarket and did that. Fred also told Howard that he was standing up on the train when he soiled himself so that's why it ran down his leg and stayed on his pants. Howard asked him if he even thought about buying new underwear while he was there. Fred mumbled something and explained why he didn't do that. Gary told Howard that they have pictures of his brown stains that they'll put up on the web site later this morning. He also said that he couldn't look at Fred in the face and kept stepping backwards whenever Fred could step closer to him. Fred noticed that but didn't know that he had stains on his pants. Robin said that he had to have been aware of what was going on because he had stripped down in the bathroom when he cleaned himself up. She thinks that maybe he had a second accident when he got to the appearance Gary was making. Gary said that he wasn't even positive that it was Fred that stunk like that but the crew that was with him at the appearance knew it was him. Gary also said that there was a blue tarp at the car dealer he was at and Fred used the tarp to clean himself up a little bit. He said that one of the girls there told him what was going on and how they saw him wiping his leg on the tarp. That all went on before he even got there. Gary thought that Fred had gotten there before him but Fred thought that it was after.
Howard thought it was funny that only two people showed up to the appearance and Gary had to send one of them home. Robin thinks that this must happen to Fred a lot because of the way he reacted to the whole situation. Fred was getting excited and said that it doesn't happen and when he saw the frickin tarp, he used it to wipe himself. He could smell himself but still didn't leave the appearance. Gary said that one of the people from the K-Rock Street team was being very sweet by not telling Fred to get out of there. Howard wondered if there were flies around Fred's ass while he was standing there. Gary told him how bad the smell was and how he had to keep moving around to try and get away from the smell. Fred said that he headed home after about a half hour and he had to get back on the train to do that. He went home and washed his clothes. Howard asked him to save the pants so they could put them in his Howard Stern Museum some day. Fred thought that he had cleaned them up too much to send them to the museum. Fred wasn't sure what was wrong with him that day and why he messed his pants. Howard told him he can't go walking around the train cars after doing something like that.
Gary told Howard that Fred had shaken his hand that day and once he found out about the mess in his pants, he ran into the bathroom to wash his hands. Howard said that he would have gone to a hotel room, rented a room and taken a shower to clean himself up. Fred could have gone to a store to buy new pants. Fred thought there was nothing around there but Gary said there was. He went on to tell the story about how he went to wash his hands in the bathroom and how there was no soap in there. He eventually got some hand sanitizer and then found some soap in a different bathroom where he scrubbed his hands in the hottest water he could. Gary wasn't even mad at Fred, he was just wondering what he was doing there after messing his pants like that. Fred said he did head home but the guys reminded him that he spent a half hour there before he headed home. Fred said he just wanted to say hello to Gary, that's why he went there. He was afraid he would miss out on that if he didn't go. Robin told him to keep some baby wipes in that fanny pack of his from now on. Howard told him that the fanny pack doesn't work for him either. Howard suggested that he just use the fanny pack as a toilet from now on.
A caller told Howard that this was the funniest bit they've done. Fred said he was happy that he had amused the caller. Howard said they'll have pictures of his pants, sock and the tarp where he wiped himself off on his web site later today. Gary told Howard how bad the smell was that day and how they knew that it had to have been him that smelled. Artie said he knew a guy who was great at silent farts that smelled awful and he would go up to a group of people at a bar and let one go. A few minutes later they'd watch as the people disbursed from the smell. Gary revealed that Fred had been wearing shorts that day, Howard had no idea they were shorts, he thought they were long pants. That was even worse. They talked about that for a few seconds before Howard wrapped up with him and let him off the phone. Howard said that Fred is the best... and he's disgusting. He shouldn't have shown up to the appearance at all. The guys spent a short time talking about how most people would get away from people as fast as possible instead of going to an appearance like that. Howard had to go to break after that.
Jeff the Drunk called in to tell the guys that he never soiled his pants. Artie had mentioned that during the Elephant Boy thing and Jeff wanted to make sure people knew that it was just a blister that had popped the day they thought he had messed his pants.
Gary brought in Playboy model Kelly Monaco and Howard told her she was ''super hot'' as she was standing in the studio. She went over to sit down and Howard told her how he may just be her biggest fan. She told him she's heard that and also confirmed that she's only been with one guy since she was 15 years old. Howard said that's unusual for a Playboy chick. Howard told her about the DVD that Richard had put together for him that he watched and Kelly didn't seem to thrilled by that. She said that she did the Playboy thing and thought that it was done pretty tastefully. She said she had to get out of the Poconos at the time so that's what she did. Kelly said that she met this guy she's with when she was 15 and he was about 18 and she hasn't been with anyone else. He has been with other women but she's never been with another man. Howard said that the guy must be super hot but Kelly said that he's really not. He doesn't have drugs or anything like that and she doesn't even drink these days. She said she did go through her drinking and drug phase when she was young, like 11 years old. She said she was rebelling and experimenting with that stuff when she was really young. Howard once again told her how hot she is and how he liked her on the ''Dancing with the Stars'' show. She said that she enjoyed the show and got paid about $100,000 to do it. She had been on a soap opera for about 5 years and wanted to step out and do some other things.
Howard was telling Kelly that he didn't think that Rachel Hunter was all that good at dancing while the hosts were talking about how great she was. Kelly thought that Rachel was good but Howard didn't see that. He got back to her drug and drinking discussion. She said she went through that stuff between the ages of 11 and 13 and tried acid and some other stuff. She was eventually so freaked out by the stuff that she quit and hasn't gone back. Artie talked about how he was sent to a mental institution one time because of his drug use. He said it was a court order that sent him there. He said he was drunk and high and took a swing at a cop one time so the judge sent him to the hospital. Howard said that Artie is just crazy because he once gave a bank teller a phony bank robbery note as a joke. That's crazy. Kelly wanted them to continue talking about that but Howard wanted to hear more about her only being with one man. Kelly said she's been with men but hasn't had sex with them. She said she's kissed guys and stuff but never went all the way except for this one guy. Robin wondered what made this guy so special. She said that they're really good friends and things are good for them. When she said that he was Puerto Rican, Howard and Robin asked her if she wanted to give them a secret message that she needs help getting out of the relationship. She said she's in the relationship because she wants to be, not because he's making her stay. She said that he's almost like an assistant for her and helps her handle her career. He takes phone calls and helps out with the stuff she can't handle herself. She said that they have talked about getting married over the years but they don't want to do it if they can't do it right so they just don't do it.
Howard asked Kelly why she had so much hair in the Playboy pictures. She said that's when she was 18 years old and from the Poconos, she didn't know any better. Now she shaves down a little bit and doesn't have the giant bush. Hook Nose Mike called in and asked Kelly if she would run off with Howard if she was single. She said that if she was single, she would go out with him no problem. She said that she's allowed to look at guys and have crushes on them, but she doesn't do anything about it. She said that her body is her temple and she'd be afraid of getting AIDS and stuff like that so she stays loyal to this one man. Mike also asked her whose idea it was to have the dancing as part of the soap she appears on. She said she fought not to do that really hard but they made her do it. She asked Howard to please not play the audio from that because it was so bad. Howard also asked her when she's supposed to do this ''Dance off'' against John O'Hurley who lost to her on the dance show. That will be on ABC on September 20th.
Howard said that when a girl tells him that she's only been with one man, she can't be very good in bed. He said that if she hasn't experienced other guys, she can't know what to do. She claims that she is able to orgasm easily though. Howard had Richard Christy come in to meet Kelly after that. Howard talked to her about whether or not she likes to be with other chicks and found out she's not a fan of that. She said that her friends tease her and ask to kiss her but she's not into that. She does have some Playmate friends come over to hang out in her hot tub but her boyfriend doesn't do anything with them. Richard asked Kelly if she wanted to hear what he did on Saturday night to her image. He told her how Sal was over that night and how he waited for him to fall asleep before he pulled out her Maxim magazine cover and pleasured himself to her. He said he ripped some pages out of the magazine so he could look at all of her pictures while he was standing over his toilet. He relieved himself to them after that and then slid the pages back into the magazine. Kelly said she doesn't think about guys doing that when she poses for something like that. Howard told her about how long it took Richard to finish with a woman that he was with recently and how he must have issues. Kelly said that maybe he is gay.
Howard took a call from a guy who was making some weird noises and sounding kind of like a Klingon so Howard talked to him as if he were speaking in Klingon. Jeff the Drunk called in after that and Kelly asked him if he had quit smoking yet. Jeff hasn't quit so Artie goofed on him a little bit. Howard read that Kelly had been drugged and almost raped when she was up in Canada doing a photo shoot when she was starting out in the business. She went to an appearance for Playboy and someone was able to drug her. She said that they warned her that people might do weird things to her to drug her but then it turned out the people telling her about that had actually drugged her. They gave her a bottle of water that she thought was unopened. She took a sip of the water and a few seconds later she was hallucinating and figures that it could have GHB or liquid acid. Kelly thinks that the woman she was there with may have been drugged as well. She saw one of the guys nodding to the guys to get out of there so she started to figure out what was going on. She saw the other woman who was there with her passed out on the floor. She had to give her CPR to revive her. She said she was a mess for about 8 hours after that and it was horrific.
Richard said that he was having trouble following what Kelly was saying because her chest was heaving up and down. She said that she had worn the top she was wearing just for Howard. Richard was wondering if he could see more of her so Kelly asked him if he would show his junk. She was just kidding but Richard was ready to show it to her. Richard whipped out her junk and showed it to her even though she didn't want to see it. He was totally shaved and Kelly thought that he looked like her 3 year old nephew without any hair down there. She wasn't sure if she should feel flattered or not. Richard said that she has given so much pleasure to that part of his body that he figured he had to give something back to her. Kelly said he did give her a chuckle. She said it was ''so freaky'' to see him like that. It was bald and looked really gay to her. Richard thought that women didn't like hair down there. Artie told him that maybe he should get with some women to find out if that's true or not. Benjy also got naked for her for a few seconds but Kelly didn't see it.
Kelly told Howard that she watches the TV show and listens to them every morning on her way into work. Howard asked Kelly how much she weights and she said she's about 95 pounds but sometimes goes up to 98. Bong Hit Eric called in and asked her which of the guys on the show she would take to a desert island if she had to. All of the guys stood up to show what they looked like. Howard took some more phone calls before that was done. Bobo called in and said that he watches General Hospital just to see her because she's so hot. Howard went on to ask her about what she does at home when she's not working. She said she will clean the house and stay home most of the time. Kelly said she doesn't like going to parties and prefers to hang out at home.
Vinnie Favale from CBS called in and told Howard that over a million people had registered on Howard's site just to see her in a bikini. He was trying to get her into a bikini at that point but it wasn't working. Vinnie also asked if she had a web site (OfficialKellyMonaco.com) to promote but Kelly said that they probably wouldn't like it. Howard was about to wrap up with Kelly but Richard asked her if her dance partner had ever gotten aroused while dancing with her. He was out in the green room so the guys brought him in so Howard could ask him about that. The guy came in a minute later and told Howard that he never did get aroused with her. Kelly was telling Howard that this guy can move his hips like no other man she's ever seen. She said that's really sexy according to Kelly. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and screamed at Kelly how hot she is for a few seconds before Howard hung up on her. Howard took a call from someone who asked Kelly about making out with her co-star Steve Burton and if she doesn't love it. Kelly said it is okay sometimes. Howard asked her if she ever pleasures herself. She said she does that sometimes but not very often. She also said that she will do it in front of her man sometimes but she thinks it's kind of creepy to do that. She said she doesn't like to see a guy doing that in front of her so she doesn't want him to do that. Howard had gone over an hour without a break so he had to end the interview. He wrapped up with Kelly and went to the long overdue commercial break.
Howard said that they had Darrell Hammond there to sit in during the news today. He wasn't sure if Darrell was still on Saturday Night Live or not but Robin was pretty sure he was. Howard also mentioned that he was going to be busy today with more satellite radio meetings and stuff so he had to get out of there. He talked about a picture he saw in the paper of Lauren Bush who was wearing a tennis outfit at the U.S. Open over the weekend. He thought that was kind of strange to wear a tennis outfit to a tennis match as an audience member. Howard had to take another break after that.
Artie told Howard that he had a gig about 5 years ago where he did a corporate event and they had to turn the microphone off because he had gotten so dirty. The resort that they were at must have cut him off because families could hear him doing his dirty material. Howard asked Darrell if people ask him to do his impressions when he does comedy shows. Darrell said he'll try to do a regular comedy gig but people will yell at him to do his Clinton impression. Howard wondered if he's like some impressionists who turn around and then come back as the character. He claims that doesn't do that kind of stuff.
Howard had some audio clips from a benefit concert that was held over the weekend. He played a Garth Brooks clip that he thought was actually pretty good. He said it sounded better on TV than it did on the tape he was playing. Howard didn't see the Foo Fighters but someone told him they were good. He played that audio clip and they were performing another Credence Clearwater Revival song. Howard didn't realize what the lyrics were about until Robin pointed it out to him. Then Howard was going to play the clip of Laura Bush screwing up the name of the hurricane by saying Korina instead of Katrina. He had to ask Gary to go find it for him since he wasn't able to find it himself. He played it for Darrell and wondered how someone like that could be so out of it that she doesn't know the name of the hurricane that had destroyed New Orleans. He also played some audio of the Dahli Lama giving a speech and really not being all that profound. Darrell said he's kind of like Jesse Jackson and did his impression of Jackson for a short time and had Howard cracking up.
Howard said that a lot of people were adopting pets over the weekend because of Beth's appearance on the show last week. He said that Doug Herwitt who is the webmaster for his web site adopted one of the dogs they had from the New Orleans area. Doug was on the phone and Howard talked to him about that and said that they have about 300 more dogs coming up from down there that need to be adopted. Howard said that Doug is the worst story teller and told Robin how he was talking to him last week about it and he was speaking to him in a monotone like a computer guy would do. He let Doug go a short time later and gave Darrell some plugs for his upcoming comedy gig at The Improv in Tempe, Arizona this coming weekend. He took a break after that.
Howard started off the show talking about the ''I Am The Walrus'' song that he had just listened to at the start of the show. He liked the part at the end of the song when the guys were singing ''Everybody smokes pot'' over and over again at the end. Howard said he was into the hidden messages in the Beatles songs when he was younger.
Howard got a lot of feedback about the comedy clips he played yesterday featuring comedian Earthquake. He played a couple of those again after mentioning them. He said his favorite one was the bit Earthquake did about Michael Jackson and how his own kids should have gone in there to ''take one for the team.'' He played that clip and got some laughs out of that. He also played another clip where Earthquake talks about Condoleeza Rice and about Puffy getting him to vote or die and what a waste of time that was. Howard said he was watching the guy on TV over the weekend and cracking up the whole time. He doesn't dig his name though. He said when you hear ''Earthquake'' you think he's going to be cheesy. He and Artie think the guy is too brilliant to be calling himself Earthquake.
Howard had an audio clip of a female newscaster screwing up and almost saying ''Jack off'' instead of ''Jack Up.'' Howard said he saw the video of it too and you could see the look on her face. He said she was pretty attractive too and figured that's the kind of thing she's got on her mind. They already had a song parody mixed to a Bush song, ''Machinehead,'' where they had the woman saying ''Jack Up, Jack Off.'' That led to Howard talking about how Gavin Rossdale will be on the show today to talk about his new band. He's also married to Gwen Stefani and they'll be talking about her since Howard is such a fan. He played the Bush song parody once again and then Artie talked about some of the other newscasters who have screwed up their lines while reading the news. He mentioned one newscaster who almost said ''Martin Luther Koon'' during a newscast. There was also a guy who almost said ''blow job'' instead of ''curb job'' while reporting on Jennifer Lopez. They had also mentioned Rush Limbaugh saying ''Nager'' instead of Nagin while talking about the Mayor of New Orleans. Howard figured Limbaugh did that on purpose while the newscasters were making honest mistakes. Gary ran around and found some of the audio that they were talking about so Howard could play them.
Howard said he had no desire to hear the new Rolling Stones stuff but Tom told him that he should check it out. Gary told Scott to buy the album online so they could play it. Howard didn't want to bad mouth Paul McCartney since he did the show and was a great guest, but he doesn't want to hear the guy's new stuff, he just wants to hear his classic songs. Howard is taking his daughter to see him perform soon and he only wants the classic stuff played. Robin also brought up the fact that McCartney is in a commercial and that's kind of odd because he used to scream about the way Michael Jackson would sell their songs to commercials. Howard continued to talk about how everyone wants to make more money so they'll do what they have to do to make it. The Rolling Stones have millions and millions of dollars so Gary thinks that they shouldn't be charging as much as they do for tickets. Howard said that everyone wants that money and they're not going to stop doing things the way they do already. Artie talked about how he would have paid two grand to go see Bruce Springsteen if he had to.
A listener called in and told Howard that the new McCartney album (''Chaos And Creation In The Backyard'') really sucks. Howard hadn't heard it yet so he didn't know. Howard took another call from a guy who said the tickets for the upcoming Cream concert at the Garden are $347.50 for 3/4 of the seats there. Howard said he can understand charging that much because the guys in that band don't get along together and they have to make as much as possible as quick as possible. Howard had to take a break after that.
Howard mentioned that they had Gavin Rossdale coming in later and that Tommy Lee would be calling in even though he's been going around bad mouthing him lately. He doesn't know what the guy's deal is and why he doesn't have any integrity to stay off the show. Howard played an audio clip of Tommy Lee bad mouthing him on a radio show after he didn't show up with the rest of Motley Crue when they were on earlier this year. Tommy said that he's done with Howard's show and called it a waste of time and a ''stupid assed show.'' Howard wondered why he wants to call in if that's what he wants to say about the show. He said he doesn't get Tommy but he does like his TV show ''Tommy Lee Goes to College.'' He said he's been watching a lot of reality TV lately including the Hulk Hogan show, the Brady show, the ''Rock Star: INXS'' show and others. He spent a couple of minutes on the show featuring Christopher Knight from the Brady Bunch and how the guy seems to have some money because he has a nice house. Howard also brought up the ''Breaking Bonaduce'' reality show and how great that is. He said that both Danny and his wife are out of their minds. Howard and Robin said they already knew that Danny was out of his mind from when he used to appear on the show. Robin said she found it funny that they came up with the show because Danny had cheated on his wife and they needed counseling so they created the show around that. Robin has seen the show and they eventually have to stop production for a while because Danny goes so crazy. Howard said that Danny lost his job at Clear Channel Radio because he was so crazy, not even because of anything he said on the air.
Robin said that this thing with Tommy Lee has been going on for years and the guy can't make up his mind about what he wants to do with the show. Howard wondered what else they could talk to the guy about since he thinks that the show is a waste of time. Maybe he wants to talk about the old Motley Crue days but it's over already. Howard said Tommy is probably upset that they only want to talk to him about Pam Anderson and stuff like that.
Shuli wondered if Artie would ever go down that road and admit to embarrassing stuff like that. Howard said that the E! crew have a lot of video of him almost dying a couple of times from drinking too much. That led to Howard talking about the bar he's going to have in his new studio over at SIRIUS and how Artie won't even be able to look behind him. Artie said that the wheels on the wagon are getting crickety and he may be back to drinking by that time. He said it's really tough these days not to drink because football season has started and he's sitting around watching a lot of TV. Howard talked about a time when Artie was at a party and dancing with a glass of Jack Daniels while his girlfriend Dana was dancing with Ralph. He knew that he was in bad shape back then. Shuli mentioned the time Artie was in Vegas and almost slammed into a table in his hotel room because he was so drunk.
Joey Boots called in and said that Shuli has a radio show out in Vegas each weekend and he listens to it on the air and thinks it's amazing. He told Howard that he should put him on the air over there at SIRIUS when they move. Howard said he's thinking of having a few hard core fans come in after the show each day and talk about what their favorite bits were. Joey and Shuli could be those people who do that. Shuli said it would also be cool to have Sal and Richard call in on the weekends to the new channel and tell some teaser stories about what they did over the weekend when they do comedy shows. Howard is also thinking about having people vote on what they like and dislike about the show when they're over there. Joey told Howard that can be pretty brutal though. Howard said he can take it. He said they got a lot of brutal email about the show yesterday. He said they got a lot of positive feedback about the Fred the Elephant Boy stuff but then people wrote in about Kelly Monaco and went off on them for spending too much time with her. Howard said he was distracted because he had her there to look at. He knew that she wasn't revealing anything but he kept stretching it out even longer. Howard admitted that it was a train wreck but that's the kind of thing that Shuli and Joey could discuss that stuff after the radio show is over. Joey said he's ready to do that by taking what he does on the internet each day to the air over there. Shuli would be a great monitor because he already has a radio show going and knows how to do that kind of stuff. Shuli thinks that the fans are already supportive of him but Artie told him to just wait... They'll turn on him eventually.
Howard read more mail about Kelly Monaco and people were really bored with her interview. They said she was boring and not revealing anything and Howard didn't realize it. Howard said he thought he'd eventually be able to get something out of the interview, it just never happened. Howard said he would probably have to call into the show to defend himself on some occasions but Shuli said his head would explode if he had to take a phone call from Howard Stern. Shuli also said that he's ready to leave Vegas to move to New York if he could get a show like that. Joey got in a plug for SternFanNetwork.com since that's where he spends most of his day doing his own, written, talk show about what went on each day. Gary said he knows that they'll get a lot of fans calling in asking why they can't be part of this new show Howard is talking about. Howard said he has a lot of ideas for the new channels over there and it's going to be his masterpiece. He said that this is going to be like a revolution and they're going to have an army so they'll need uniforms for everyone. Robin and Fred will have a certain rank and will get more bars than others like Sal the Stockbroker. Howard said they could piss Sal off by giving Shuli even more bars than Sal. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that she could do this show he's talking about and went nuts telling him that she really needs a job like this. Howard said he thought about doing a show where they have different guys have sex with her so they can hear what that sounds like. Mariann said she can do anything he wants... as Howard was hanging up on her.
Sal came in and suggested that Beth O, Dana, Alison Norris and Mary Dell'Abate come in and talk about the show. Howard told him to stay out of it and told him to get out of there because that idea wasn't that great. Howard let Shuli go after that and talked about the many great ideas he has in his head for this new radio show he's going to have. He said he was in the shower a couple of weeks ago and thought about a bunch of things he wanted to do for the radio show so he bought a leather binder and filled it up with pictures and ideas.
Gary told Howard that Tommy Lee never did call in when he was supposed to. Howard said that's probably for the best because maybe he's showing some integrity now. He bad mouths the show and says he doesn't want to do it, then he wants to call in to promote stuff. Howard didn't understand that to begin with. He had to take a break after that.
Howard got back to Aron and found out that he had retired early from mechanical engineering so he could do more stuff outdoors. That's how he got into the mountain climbing and ended up losing his arm. Howard said that he would never get on a real rock but he does climb the fake rock walls at his gym. He said there's not enough money to get him up on a real mountain. Aron was also a piano player before he lost his arm. Howard said he was amazed by this story. Robin said that you're always supposed to climb with someone else and didn't understand why he was alone that day. Aron said it's more satisfying when he does that stuff alone. Howard said you should always tell someone where you're going to be, even if you're not out climbing a mountain. Aron said that day he just didn't tell anyone what he was going to be doing. He said that while he was stuck on that wall, he immediately started to think about amputating his arm. He said he tried chipping away at the rock that had trapped his arm but it would have taken him a month to get out that way. He was stuck there for about a day and that's when he started to try amputating it. The hand was already dead because it had been crushed and the circulation was cut off. He had to think about amputating his arm and do it as close to the trapped part. He didn't have a saw with him so he had to use this dull knife to do it. He was there for six days before he thought about how he had to snap the bones off to break out of there. He could use the leverage of the rocks to break the bones instead of sawing through them. Aron had a camera with him there so he actually shows them in the book that he was there to promote, ''Between a Rock and a Hard Place.''
Howard had Aron describing the breaking of his bones to get his arm out of the rock. Aron said it would be like having a 2x4 stuck in a crack and just bending it until it breaks. He said that the boulder was holding him so tightly that he was able to just drop all of his weight and the bones broke. Aron said that there was a lot of pain but he never even teared up while it was going on. He taped himself saying goodbye to everyone because he thought he was going to die. He said that just knowing that he was going to live is what kept him going. He knew that he had a son on the way and wanted to be around for him. He said it only took him about an hour or so to cut his hand free and then he had to hike back 8 miles to his truck. He tied off his arm using some of the equipment he had with him and headed back. By that time he had a bone infection and other problems setting in. He said that he was drinking his own urine to stay alive and lost 45 pounds in those 6 days. He said that included the arm which was probably 6 or 7 pounds. He described the urine that he was getting out of himself and how it would settle and he'd have to get rid of the sediment, which was the worst part, and drink the rest. He said he was dying of dehydration while he was stuck there and only had 20 ounces of water to drink. That was gone within 4 days after he rationed it to himself.
Aron said he would have had a 2 hour drive to a phone from the time he got to his truck. Not only that, he had to drive the truck which was a manual transmission. Aron said he lost a lot of blood as well so that was making things even worse. A helicopter showed up as he was heading back to his truck thanks to the people who were trying to find him. His mother was the one who helped figure out where he might have gone when he had vanished. Howard asked what happened to his arm after he left. Aron said the park rangers went in and pulled it back in. They cremated the arm and gave it back to him so he went back to where he lost the arm and left the ashes there. Aron said he still goes climbing and still goes alone. He showed Howard that he's able to climb with the claw arm that he was wearing this morning. Howard told him that he would have died out on that rock if it was him because he could have never broken his own arm and cut off the hand like he did. Aron said there will be a documentary made about his story. Howard said that it just shows that guys are willing to do anything to get laid. Aron said that there is something to be said for celebrity. Howard gave him a plug for his book ''Between a Rock and a Hard Place'' and wrapped up the interview. He told Aron he's an inspiration to him. Aron said he's going down to Washington DC to talk to some of the soldiers down there who have lost limbs over in Iraq. Howard went to break after that.
Hook Nose Mike called in and said that this isn't the first time Tommy has bad mouthed Howard and said that he's done it before. Howard told Tommy that he really has to make a stand and either just do the show or don't do the show. He said he's proud of Madonna and Rosie O'Donnell for never doing the show and sticking with that position. Mike asked Tommy if Pam takes it in the back door just to rub it in even more. Howard gave Tommy a plug for the TV show that airs tonight. It's the season finale according to Tommy. Howard took some other phone calls and let someone say something that managed to get the delay hit. Howard told Tommy that if he has a problem with him, he's got to cut himself off from the show. Howard told him to go think about all of this and make a decision. Howard said that when he's off the air he doesn't ask those questions that he asks on the air because no one is listening. He said he's just trying to make him interesting on the air. Artie suggested that they talk about music for the next couple of minutes. Gary asked Tommy to talk about Motley Crue's set list for their next concert. Howard asked him what inspired the song ''Girls, Girls, Girls.'' It was obviously girls so Howard asked him how long it took him to write it. Tommy said it was about 5 minutes. Gary asked Tommy if he would like to come on air and just talk about Howard in the way he wants to do it. Tommy said that won't happen, he's not into doing that.
The guys asked Tommy about the roast they did with Pam Anderson on Comedy Central a few months ago. Tommy said it was pretty brutal and he had to keep going over to Pam to find out if she was okay. People like Eddie Griffin ended up getting pretty dirty and Tommy said he couldn't even say what it was he was saying. Howard wrapped up with Tommy after that and let him go. Howard said they still haven't figured out what Tommy's problem is with him and he's not sure Tommy even knows.
Bobo called in and said that he's sick and tired of these guys who bad mouth him off the air and then come on the show and kiss his ass. He said it's like Dice all over again. Howard kept saying that he doesn't have a problem with Tommy but if he can figure out what the problem is, he should stop coming on the show. The guys got off subject when they brought up Tara Reid and how sloppy she's gotten these days. Artie said she's starting to look like him these days with the bags under her eyes and that awful voice of hers. The guys goofed on her for a couple of minutes. Bobo also brought up the fact that Howard has hired Bubba the Love Sponge to work for him over at SIRIUS. He said he's not really for that but he'll back up his decision. Howard said that Bubba will be on the show later this week to talk about this whole thing and he's going to make him take an oath when he's on the air. Howard took some phone calls and one guy thought that Howard should have ripped Tommy Lee apart on the air. Howard said that he did confront him so he couldn't follow what the guy was talking about. Tommy wasn't bad mouthing him on the air so he didn't have a reason to rip him apart.
Howard asked Gavin about the old band Bush and what happened there. Gavin said that the guys didn't want to keep touring so they broke up and Gavin has now started another band. Gavin said he's got a couple of guys from Brooklyn in his band so he's got a new sound. They talked about the guitar player in the band and how he was the one who pretty much ended it because he was done touring. That guy has enough money that he doesn't have to go out if he doesn't want to.
Howard gave Gavin a couple of plugs for his new album ''Distort Yourself'' and for his web site Gavin-Rossdale.net. They talked about the web site and how Gavin didn't want to pay someone who owns GavinRossdale.com some ridiculous amount of money so they just got the other domain name. Howard went on to play some tracks from ''Distort Yourself'' including the first single from the album called ''Bulletproof Skin.'' Howard and the guys seemed to like the sound of the new band. Artie said he's got a great rock voice and it's very unique. Richard Christy came in and asked if he could smell Gavin's finger. Howard told him to get out of there. Howard told Gavin that Richard is a drummer that was pretty well known in some heavy metal bands. He played for Iced Earth and for Death. They played a little bit of his drumming from one of the bands while Artie was making up some lyrics to the song. Artie told Richard to show Gavin his penis but Howard didn't want him to do that. Gavin didn't want to see it either.
Howard got back to Gwen Stefani and said that he wouldn't want his girlfriend going around and getting too much attention if she was with him. Gavin talked about how he doesn't feel that way as long as he's successful. He'd feel like a loser if his new album failed and her album was still doing really well. Howard said that's got to be a weird thing to have two very successful people in a relationship like that. Gavin said that Gwen has taken things to a new level with her latest album. Gary came in and asked Gavin about how he just recently found out he has a 15 year old daughter that he didn't know about. Gavin said he had met the kid years ago but he didn't know that it was his kid until just recently. He was describing the situation and what that's like so Fred played some sad piano music. Gavin asked them to get back to the heavy metal stuff. Howard said it's got to be weird to tell your wife you have a kid you didn't even know about. Gary said his wife gets mad at him when she finds out about things he did before he even met her. Gavin said he's going to figure out how to get in touch with this kid and it should be good for he and Gwen later in life. They plan on having kids some day and that kid will have a sister.
Gavin got back to this new album of his and how happy he is that it's out now. They're going to be doing a tour for the album later this year. Howard said it's great that Gavin doesn't have to go through the hassle of raising a kid and ends up with a 15 year old who has already gone through the tough parts. Howard talked to him more about Gwen and what they do when they get together. Gavin said it's great because they're apart so much that it keeps the relationship fresh. Howard asked Gavin what songs to play from the new album. Gavin suggested playing track number 3 so he played a few seconds of that. Howard asked him why he named the band Institute. Gavin said he needed something ''big and wide'' so that name just fit. Howard liked the song he was playing so he let it play through.
Vinnie Favale from CBS called in from the bus and asked Gavin why he's wasting his time trying to get into acting when he's got such a great career in music. Gavin explained why he only had a small part in a movie he did and how they cut him out of most of the movie. Howard thought the question was kind of rude but Vinnie said that the guy isn't a bad actor but he should stick to music. Howard let Vinnie go and wrapped up with Gavin. He gave him another plug for the album and his web site. Gavin also got in a plug for InstituteMusic.com that Howard didn't mention. Howard was going to go to break but he got a copy of the latest Queen album. He said that Queen isn't Queen anymore though because it's Paul Rogers singing instead of Freddy Mercury. Howard listened to about 5 seconds of that and then wrapped up and went to commercial.
Howard read some e-mail and said that one guy thinks that William Shatner is one of the greatest actors ever and that he doesn't get enough credit while overacting Robert DeNiro gets tons of accolades. Howard had Robin move on to her news after talking about that for a few seconds. Howard also interrupted Robin's news to talk about a guy who was given 10 years in prison for over charging David Letterman for painting his house.
Howard took some more phone calls after that and one guy asked Howard to play the Staind version of The Beetlejuice Song. Howard played it a short time later and said that the band is actually going to put the song out on one of their albums! When they do that, Beetlejuice will get royalties and so will Richard Christy who helped write the song. Howard said that could be a lot of money for them. He figures it could be like fifty to seventy dollars. Gary came in and said that they may just go in and rerecord the song in a studio and then release it. Gary also said that Richard and Beetle could make some pretty good money if the band is able to sell 100,000 albums with the song on it. If they sold that many and the guys get four cents per sale, they could make $4,000. Howard thinks that the second song that Beetlejuice recorded was just as good, if not better. The phone caller didn't think that was the case. He said that Beet is too full of himself in that song. Howard said he loves that song and likes the part where Beet is singing about looking like a Kango. Here are the lyrics as best as I could understand them:
Beetle
I don't know cause I look good
But I feel like get laid
Beetle
I don't know cause I look good
Beetle know what he get when he wants
Beetle know what he get when he wants
Beetle know what he get when he wants
Beetle know what he get when he wants
I look like a kango I livin on a hango
I look like a kango cause I look like a gigalo
The phone caller asked Howard for a prize because he wanted to buy some weed. Howard gave him a $500 prize courtesy of the DVD release of ''Lost: The Complete First Season.''
A caller from Columbus, Ohio called in and told Howard how much he misses the show out there since they were taken off the air a couple of weeks ago. Howard told the guy that it's only 3 more months until they make the move to the new place so just hang in there. He didn't want to do a commercial for them so he dropped the subject and gave the caller a $500 prize courtesy of the new movie ''Lord of War.'' Robin finished up her news after that and Howard ended the show around 10:40am.
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Howard started off the show talking about how tired he was after staying up late last night because he wasn't able to get any sleep. He has a lot of stuff going on and did a photo shoot for satellite last night and that went until about 8pm. He started at around one in the afternoon. Artie talked about how tough things get that late in the afternoon after getting up early in the morning. He said he was asking for stilts to hold him up when he shot his movie this past July. Howard went on to talk about how he didn't get home until late and then had to eat dinner late and then call his mother who was wondering about Deb Minokia who is pregnant. Robin wondered why she didn't call Deb to find out how she's doing instead of calling Howard. Howard didn't know why either. He said she could have called Deb's husband Pat and asked him instead. Howard called her back and quickly told her what he was up to and that he couldn't talk. He had called on his cell phone and she couldn't hear him so he had to repeat himself. She eventually heard him even though he didn't change his voice. He told his mother about Deb and she was fine. Howard was saying that his mother doesn't do all that much and one time told him how she only does one thing a day. It's not just because she's an old woman now, she's always done that. If they need fruit in the house, she'll go out and get fruit that day. That's it.
Robin said he could be the lead in ''The Truman Show'' where they have cameras on him all day long. She said she would watch. Howard played some more audio clips from Danny's show where he was taking phone calls on his radio show and taking a lot of flak from his female callers about saying that he had cheated on his wife. Then his wife calls in and says she was listening and said she never thought she'd be in that situation. Howard said the show really is good but he's not sure anyone wants to hear more of the clips. Robin said she could listen all day so Howard played some more.
Howard said that he was at the photo shoot yesterday and he was drinking straight vodka to get through it. Artie thought that was kind of funny. Howard said that he really hates getting his picture taken and that's why he had four or five shots of the stuff. Gary said that when he first met Howard, he didn't drink anything. It's slowly gotten worse over the past few years and now he's drinking 4-5 shots on a work night. Howard dropped the subject and took some phone calls and got back to the discussion about Danny. One caller asked if Howard would give Danny a chance on his satellite radio channel. Howard wasn't sure because he doesn't know how his radio show is and if it got any ratings. Robin said that the TV show is different because they can edit it and pick out the good parts. The caller also asked Howard what he has to say to the people who can't afford satellite radio. Howard said he doesn't like to go into people's pocketbooks but there are people who buy a lot of stuff like coffee, cigarettes, computers and TVs and complain about not being able to afford the stuff. He said that he thinks that the SIRIUS service is so good, even without him, that it's worth having. Howard said he may give away some free stuff once he moves to the new place but that won't be happening while he's at his current job. Howard said it is great that people can just turn on a radio and hear him but there's nothing left for him to do. He went on to read a quote about how it's the soldiers who defend this country who have given us the freedoms we have here. He said that those guys are the ones who should be pissed at how the government wants to regulate all of this stuff that people pay for. They want to regulate satellite and cable even though people pay for that service. If that happens, then they'll start regulating books and magazines and all of our freedoms will slowly be taken away.
The phone caller also asked Howard about his E! show and what happened there. Howard said that he was told by the E! people that the FCC is going to be trying to regulate them if the cable companies don't clean up their act. That led to them canceling Howard's show. E! said that it's not even the dirty shows that are on HBO and Cinemax, it's just Howard. The government seems to have a problem with him. Howard decided to take the show to another channel but none of them wanted the show because they're all afraid of the FCC coming after them. Howard was then given the opportunity to go to In Demand so people will be able to get their shows on demand when they want it. He said he'll have his own channel on digital cable but it's going to cost his fans a few bucks. He said that if these things (digital cable and satellite radio) didn't exist, he wouldn't have a career. It was over before that. He can't stay on the air on terrestrial radio because he doesn't want to turn his show into a morning zoo. Howard said that he wants Clear Channel and companies like that to go out of business because they didn't stand up to the government when they were threatened with fines. The caller told Howard that he only makes about $25,000 a year as a telemarketer so he can't afford the service. He said he can afford to buy weed though. Howard said that the satellite service is about fifty cents a day so if he drops the $40 a week weed thing, he could afford the satellite radio. Artie was going to help the guy out by giving him some betting advice. He told him to bet on the Broncos giving 3 1/2 over the Chargers and win the money doing that. Howard gave the guy a $500 prize instead so he can use that money for a SIRIUS radio. Artie said you can think about the poor people in Columbus, Ohio brushing their teeth to the Greggo show this morning. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard played an audio clip from a ''Trainables'' video where they talk about how to talk to retarded kids about things like wet dreams and stuff like that. Howard said he wishes he had tapes like that for everything he had to explain to his daughters. Artie said he went to see the movie ''Green Street Hooligans'' and thought it was pretty good.... but there was a scene where a teacher told a friend of his to take over the class and teach the kids. The friend asks what to teach them so the teacher says ''They're 10, teach them anything.'' He thought that was pretty fitting for young kids.
Howard said he was thinking of calling his new channel over at SIRIUS ''Douche 100'' when he moves there so he had some bumpers made up. He played the bumpers and they were pretty funny. They were old school and simple bumpers. They sing about how they won't be regulated over there. Since they were old school bumpers, Howard went into his old school DJ voice and introduced some songs. They had a ton of bumpers to use for Douche 100 so they screwed around with them for a few minutes. He just wanted to hear what they might sound like. Howard said he won't be playing music when he goes over to SIRIUS but he wanted to test out the bumpers. One of the bumpers went something like ''With no FCC fines think of the money we'll save. At Douche 100 we don't have to behave.'' Howard screwed around with that stuff for a couple of minutes and then had to take another break.
Howard took a call from a woman who didn't have anything to say so he had to hang up on her. Another caller told Howard she was very happy that he and Beth were talking about the pets from the New Orleans area because it was such a sad thing. She said she donated to the North Shore Animal League after hearing Beth talk about their rescue efforts and she would like other people to do the same. Howard and Robin talked about the sad stories they saw on TV.
Howard saw that the movie Artie was talking about was actually directed by Ang Lee who directed ''The Hulk'' movie. Howard said he really liked that movie. The guys spent a few minutes talking about how they could remake this movie with other stars, like Artie Lange and Vincent Pastore as the two gay cowboys. Howard talked about a movie he saw years ago at an ''erotic movie festival'' where there was a gay scene that kind of freaked him out. Artie told a quick story about a club he worked at near CBGB's in the city. Artie was going to do a show there but they do these dramatic scenes there before the comedy shows. Artie's buddies were there watching a really sad scene where a couple of lesbians are talking about one of them dying and then take off their shirts. Artie's buddy was sitting in the back and just said ''Decent'' when the shirt came off. Everyone else in the club was crying but his buddy could just say ''Decent.'' Artie told another story about a review he got for ''Dirty Work'' where they said he has all the charm of a date rapist. Artie's mom was upset about it so Norm Macdonald consoled her by telling her that was great because a date rapist was better than a regular rapist.
Howard told Artie to tell another story that just happened to him recently. Artie said he came back from vacation recently and had a few days to sit around and do nothing while Dana was getting ready to go back to school. Artie sat around watching a bunch of ESPN sport shows. He was ordering pizzas with extra cheese every day and then he'd go out and get some Nestle Crunch bars for desert. That's all he ate for about 4 days. The day he came back to work he was all binded up from all of the cheese he had eaten the days before. He went home but his house keeper was there and there was some painting going on there. He tried to go to the bathroom but wasn't able to go with people in the apartment. He had to do the Conan O'Brien show that night so he sat in the bathroom for a half hour. He went down to the pharmacy nearby and bought a Fleet Enema to try and clear himself out. He read the directions which told him to lay on his side to use it. He went in his bedroom, with a painter 2 feet away in the apartment, and tried to use it. He was trying to insert the tube that was about 2 inches long. He got it in there and used it. Then he tried to go to the bathroom again but still couldn't go. He had to go to Conan a little later but he was seriously thinking of canceling because he couldn't go. He said it was starting to drive him crazy because of this whole thing. He read the box for the enema and it said if it was absolutely necessary, he could do it twice. He did that and then he had to go so bad he couldn't make it to the bathroom. There were delay hits all over this story so we missed quite a bit of it. Artie said he left a trail to the bathroom after that and was able to finish in the bathroom. All of the painters and the housekeeper were still there so they were only a foot away from him. Artie described what came out of him and how he clogged the toilet as he was trying to go. He had to put his shorts on and go get the plunger...
Gary came in and said that they were at the end of their delay and they had to stop the story because they were about to run out of delay and go to music. Howard said this is the reason he's going to satellite and Artie wasn't doing anything wrong. He was talking like a 2 year old and they were still hitting the delay. Tom Chiusano came in and told Howard that the one thing that the FCC doesn't stand for is bathroom humor. Howard wondered what he did wrong and Tom said that they were just getting too deep into this story to let it out on the air. Tom thought that Dead Air Dave told him that he couldn't tell the story on the air but Artie said that didn't happen. He said that Jason was actually the one who told him that he should try telling it on the air and then Howard told him to tell it as well. Artie told the guys how he got the plunger and fixed the problem. Howard told him to save it until they go to satellite radio. He told Tom that he can't wait to get to satellite. He wrapped up with Marshall after that and gave him a plug for the ''Hidden Treaures and Guilty Pleasures'' thing he's doing at the Tarrytown Music Hall. You can get more information at TarrytownMusicHall.org.
Howard took a call from a guy who told them how bad they chopped that story up and how it was hard to follow. Howard said that's why satellite is going to be so great when he moves there. They won't have any delay button and they can say anything they want to. Howard went on to read an email from a guy in the military who said he's a big supporter of them and how upset he is that the government is trying to take away their freedom to do what they want on the air. Howard went to break after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Howard about all of his old shows and if they'll be able to play any of his old stuff. Howard said that he's got quite a bit of it on the E! show which he owns, so he can play that stuff on the air over there. Infinity owns the tapes from the radio show but he can use the audio from the E! show as far as he knows. Plus, they'll be playing those old E! shows, uncensored, on In Demand when they move over there.
Howard said they got a call from Eric the Midget a few weeks ago where he asked for tickets to go to an American Idol concert. They were able to hook him up and he got to meet Carrie Underwood, who is one of his idols. Eric gave her a copy of a friend's demo tape and asked her to check it out. Howard said they had Anne Marie in the back office call Eric as Carrie Underwood. Will Murray called from Howard's office and told Eric that he was going to hook him up with Carrie. He made a 3 way call and got in touch with ''Carrie.'' Eric fell for it right away and started talking to Anne Marie as if she was Carrie. Gary told Howard that they had to break a code that Eric had come up with but it was so easy that they figured it out immediately. Anne Marie was asking Eric a bunch of goofy questions like if he was small in the pants and if he had ever been stepped on in a large crowd. She asked him to start rubbing himself and then asked him to take off his diaper and jab her with that shrinky dink in his pants. She had him saying ''De Plane, de plane!'' a few times as well. Artie thought the call was kind of brutal. Anne Marie had him rubbing the phone on himself and doing all kinds of other weird stuff. He would do just about anything he was asked to do. She had him saying that he wanted to f-her by the end of the call. They had to call Eric back and ask him if it was okay to play it and that's when he figured it all out. He called back and got pissed at Sal for coordinating the whole thing. Eric left a voice mail where he roasted Sal but it was pretty tame. He joked about Sal's wife and stuff like that but it sounded scripted and pieced together. Robin said that was a classic call that Howard had just played. Artie thought it was ''too evil'' though. Howard said he loves Eric but he's got to get laid already.
Howard read an email where a fan told him about a fan who has a severe form of leukemia and asked him to leave a message for her. Howard said he's not good at that kind of thing. He read some feedback about the Tommy Lee interview he did yesterday and people are kind of upset that he let Tommy off the hook like he did. Howard didn't think he really let him off the hook but Tommy didn't have anything bad to say about him when he was on the phone. One guy thinks that Tommy is just a ''Hollywood whore'' and he'll kiss the ass of anyone who can help him out and then bad mouth him behind his back. A bunch of other people went off on Tommy and the way he's treated Howard. There was also some feedback about the Aron, the guy who had to cut off his own hand, who was on the show yesterday. Howard said some people liked the idea of having Shuli and some other Wack Pack members talk about Howard's satellite show when they move over there. There were also some people who don't like Joey Boots who wrote in and went off on him.
Howard said there were a bunch of people who were upset with Robin for her comments during the interview with Aron yesterday. He read through a bunch of those and some people think the guy was probably upset that he lost his hand and not his hearing so he wouldn't have to hear Robin's comments. There was also some feedback about the Queen discussion they had late in the show yesterday. Howard doesn't get why they got Paul Rogers to replace Freddy Mercury in the band. Someone wrote in and said that they think Paul sounds just like Freddy and they should get them on the show. Howard played a clip of a Queen tribute band that wasn't horrible but it wasn't all that great either. He said he'd like to do a ''Rock Star: INXS'' type of show where they try to find a replacement lead singer for Queen.
Howard said that both he and Bubba have bad mouthed each other in the past but they're going to move past that because what's going on in the radio industry is bigger than both of them. Howard said he and Bubba started talking last year about the way Clear Channel treated him. Bubba worked for Clear Channel for 13 years and they ended up firing him instead of standing up for him. They made a lot of money off his show but they just turn around and bail out on him when the FCC comes after them. Robin said that they hired Bubba to do that job and then they go and fire them. Clear Channel had fired Howard from all of their stations the day after they fired Bubba. Bubba said that no one wants to put him on the air anywhere because of the way he was fired so he wouldn't have a job if it weren't for Howard. Howard said that he wants to crush Clear Channel so he's going to do what he can to take guys like Bubba and put them on satellite so they can make Clear Channel worthless. The guys talked about how Clear Channel pretended that they didn't know what their on-air talent was doing even though they worked for them for years. Bubba said that now is the time for the radio talent that has been exiled to move to this new medium. He said there's only one place for them to go but even that place is under fire from the religious right wing.
Howard asked Bubba if it's been torture for him to be off the air. Bubba said that he's been lifting weights with Hulk Hogan lately and that's the only thing that's kept him sane since then. Howard said that he finds Bubba's story incredible and he's not even trying to do a commercial for the satellite thing. He said that the way Clear Channel treated him is amazing and he anted him to be able to tell it on the air this morning. Bubba said that Clear Channel has changed their zero tolerance policy since then and they've hired back people they've fired before. Bubba said that he had a guy in his area that was obsessed with taking down his show and he wasn't able to get back on the air to defend himself after he was fired. Howard told him that he's going to have a place to say that when he moves over to SIRIUS. Bubba also told Sal that he can forgive him and move past their issues as well. Sal said that he can do that too because he respects Howard's decisions and will support whatever he does. Sal did ask Bubba if he had anything to say about Howard now that he's on the show. Bubba was going to tell the guys about how much he appreciates what Howard is doing for him but Howard cut him off and said that he doesn't want his ass kissed.
Artie told Bubba to tell Howard how much weight he lost. Bubba said he was up to 444 pounds at one time and has been working to lose the weight since 1996 or so. Howard wanted Bubba to do some of his old deejay voice to introduce some songs. He stepped all over the song he was introducing so Sal laughed and said ''Mancow! Next!'' Howard did an intro for a Douche 100 song after that and got it right. Howard and Bubba were going back and forth but the songs Fred was playing weren't working out that well.
Howard mentioned that Bubba knows a lot of these NASCAR guys. Bubba said he was talking to Howard about this guy Tony Stewart last week and Howard had no idea who he was. Bubba said that he races sprint cars himself and has crashed before but he's made it out okay. Bubba said that Howard and his crew are a little more refined than they are but they all like chicks so they have something in common. Howard wondered if Bubba is going to curse on his show when he moves over there. He said he may let one slip here and there but he's not going to just curse for no reason. Howard said he's still not sure where he's going to go with that yet. He may curse more than Bubba though. Bubba was telling Howard about the studio they're building and how it will have a hot tub, a stripper pole and a torture rack. Howard said he's not sure that's even legal to have a torture rack and actually put someone in it.
Bubba filled Howard in on the problems he had with the animal rights people after they killed and barbecued a wild boar. They also chopped off the boar's testicles while it was still alive. He said they do that to keep the meat from becoming gamy. Bubba said he was on trial for what they did and he was so stressed out that he had boils on his face. He said he actually went to jail for a day and luckily, the guys who he was in with were fans of his. Bubba said that he's done with killing pigs on the show. He wasn't even the one who did it.
Gary came in and said that Ronnie was thrilled to have Bubba there because he's a huge NASCAR fan as well and he'd love to have Tony Stewart and Bubba come to Scores tonight with him. Bubba said that Tony would love that. Ronnie told Howard that Tony Stewart is a huge star in NASCAR and they should have these people on the show. Artie said there's no way they can have Tony Stewart on the show before Craig Nettles. Bubba told a story about the guys over at SIRIUS wanted him to bring in Tony Stewart when he went up to the studios to visit. Ronnie was saying that Scott the Engineer also wants to go to Scores as well because he's a huge fan of Tony Stewart's as well. Scott claims that he has Tony Stewart slippers because he's such a huge fan. Ronnie argued and said that he doesn't have slippers. They argued about that for a few seconds before Howard cut them off and wrapped up with Bubba. He told him to have a good time at Scores. Bubba asked Howard if they'll all become ''douches'' when they move over to Douche 100 and if they'll get tattooed. Howard said he'll come up with a cool tattoo and everyone will get them. Artie said he won't be getting any tattoos because he's afraid of getting AIDS. Bubba said that he should worry about some of his other vices before he worries about something like that. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard brought up the photo shoot he was doing yesterday and how he was ready to throw up looking at pictures of himself. Artie said that when Howard's picture shows up in the paper he always looks miserable. Howard thinks that his smile is so bad that he doesn't bother doing that when people are taking his picture at events he goes to. Artie said when he smiles, his face grows bigger than it already is. Howard said he could see what he means and got a laugh out of Artie. Artie said he has a tough time taking a good picture when he's standing next to Dana because she's so hot. He also said that Beth always looks happy standing next to Howard and he's always looking like he wants to punch someone in the face.
Howard was at the photo shoot yesterday and they played some music during the shoot. He said he now understands the power of Eminem. The music they were playing was awful until Ralph put in the Eminem CD. That CD from ''8 Mile'' was so good that it got him in the right mood for the photo shoot. He said it was nice to hear a real man singing instead of all of the pussies that were on the other songs. Howard played some of the song he was listening to, ''Lose Yourself,'' and said he totally gets the guy now. Artie said that Eminem writes lyrics kind of like Bruce Springsteen does. Howard said that Springsteen doesn't get him in the mood for photo shoots though. Artie told Howard that the first song that he played on the air at K-Rock when he started was a Springsteen call. Howard said he was contractually obligated to play 6 songs an hour and he had to play that stuff back then. They talked about that for a few minutes but the delay was hit for an unknown reason.
Ralph called in to talk about how funny it was at the photo shoot because Howard kept saying ''Louder'' over and over again to get them to turn the music up. They were actually getting complaints from other studios where they were shooting at. Howard said he tried to have them put on some Foo Fighters music but all they had was ''Everlong'' and that makes him cry so he had to have them put the Eminem back on. That led to Howard talking about how Jimmy Kimmel was crying on his show again the other night. Howard played the audio of that crying session where Jimmy broke down while he was talking about the victims of Katrina. Gary came in and said that Jimmy has cried when his assistant left the show and when John Ritter died. They had some audio of Jimmy crying when he was talking about the death of John Ritter. Artie asked Howard if he's ever come close to crying on the air. Howard said that will never happen. Sal came in and said that Howard got choked up when he announced his divorce. Artie said that he got choked up when they had a woman in who had lost a family member on 9/11 and came in to talk to Rudy Giuliani. Gary almost cried when they played a song that reminded him of his late brother.
Vinnie Favale called in and said that he had a horror story about a photo shoot they did for the old CBS late night show. He thought that Martha Stewart had come over to Howard and critiqued his clothes but Howard said she was actually being nice to him. Howard told him he was some story teller and let him go since there wasn't much to it.
Artie mentioned that he saw this movie ''The Flight that Fought Back'' that aired on a cable channel. He said the movie was great and everyone should check it out. Howard let Ralph go after they spent another couple of minutes talking about the photo shoot. Artie told Howard that his manager is the same manager for this comedian Earthquake that they've been playing clips of lately and they're trying to get him to come in to sit in during the news. Howard said that guy is great and he'd love to have him in. Sal asked Howard if he thinks the guy is funny because of the way he uses the N-word and white people can still laugh at it. Howard said that the guy has a funny delivery and he tells funny jokes. They argued with Sal for a few minutes about his thoughts on comedy. Howard just wanted to get the show over with and wanted to move on to the news.
Richard Christy came in and said that Sal was doing New Orleans jokes at a comedy club they were at over the weekend. They had Sal tell the jokes he told and they were pretty rough. Sal said he told one joke about how he had just gotten back from New Orleans and he was remaking a movie... ''Creature From the Black Lagoon.'' Howard told him that's not funny and even Sal admitted it wasn't funny. Howard said he doesn't want Sal in there telling N-word jokes and wants him to leave. Artie asked Sal to tell a knock knock joke about New Orleans. He did the joke and said ''Knock, knock... '' Howard said ''who's there?'' and Sal says ''Nobody!'' Awful jokes... Sal said he was just working out some new material. Howard went to break right after that.
During the news Howard read that a deejay they used to work with, Steve Capen, had passed away at the age of 59. Artie remembered Howard giving that guy a hard time back in the late 80s when they were working with that guy. Howard said that Steve was a really nice guy and he didn't remember that. Tom came in and said that Steve was there in 1988-89 or so and he had to fire him. That led to the guys talking about Meg Griffin who used to work there as well. Howard talked about how he had a crush on her and how he tried to get her to like him but she wasn't much of a fan of what he was doing on his show. Tom said that he still stays in touch with Meg via email these days.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that Star Jones and Joy Bahar had gotten into an argument about Howard Stern during the shooting of ''The View'' and Joy was defending Howard but Star was going off on her just for bringing his name up on the air. Howard said that no one on that show is qualified to talk about him and none of them should mention his name. He said that Joy has been nice to him and he appreciates that but he really doesn't want them talking about him.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 10:35am. Artie got in a plug for a rare comedy show that he's doing at the Webster Theater in Hartford, Connecticut this Saturday with Reverend Bob Levy, Nick DiPaolo and Paul Dell'Angelo.
Howard started off the show saying that he was looking over the notes, he saw that Artie's story wasn't the only thing that got the delay hit on it yesterday. He was about to talk about that but then he noticed that the studio was different today. Gary told him that they took a TV out of there that belonged to E!. Howard said it was a problem because he was seeing Benjy and he can't deal with that. Gary thought they had the replacement piece of cardboard high enough but it obviously wasn't. Gary said he could raise it up during the break so he won't have to see Benjy when he looks over to talk to Artie. Howard said he looked over to see Artie earlier and saw Benjy and Gary at the same time. Benjy told Howard that he has lowered his seat to try and hide a little more.
Artie started to tell Howard something but his voice sounded very tired. Howard told him to wake up before he tries to talk. Artie was up at 3 in the morning so that's why he sounded so tired. He had a big breakfast to go through this morning which included pancakes, eggs and toast so he'll be filling up on that. Artie said he's got a lot of extra room in him from when he cleared his bowels on Tuesday. Howard said he's been eating apples to keep him from getting bound up again. Both Howard and Robin told Artie he sounded really strange this morning, almost as if he was wasted. Artie swears that he's not and he hasn't been drinking. Howard asked Fred to give him a sobriety test to make sure. Artie was ready to do anything to prove that he was sober. The guys mentioned that story that Artie told yesterday and Artie said when he tells it over at the new place, it will be much better. Howard told him that he should go out jogging to keep himself loose. ARtie said he would do that but his iPod is broken. He's thinking about getting the new iPod Nano to replace it though.
Howard got back on track and mentioned that the Eric the Midget phone call was dumped yesterday so it wasn't just ARtie's story that they hit the delay on. Artie said some friends of his told him all they could hear about Artie's story was that he was going to Conan's show and that he had to go to the bathroom. Howard said they're out of there in about 3 months. They have some vacation coming up in December and a week around Thanksgiving... So it won't be too much longer before they get out of there. Artie thought that maybe Howard had some sick days saved up that he could use to get them out of there early. Howard said those sick days don't accrue over the years so he doesn't have them. He knows some people who work for the government who save up sick days and can actually use them for vacation. Gary said that he knew a guy who worked for Kodak who would save up his vacation and by the time he left the company, he had about 42 weeks saved up.
A phone caller said that he does sound like he's on dope this morning. Artie talked about his breakfast and how great that was. He thought it was from Mangia but it was actually from Pick-A-Bagel. Artie said he's been doing his Ed Torian impression before bed lately because he loves it so much.
Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said he's not sure what's going on with Artie these days because he isn't as talkative as he used to be. Artie said he used to talk to other people in the hall who aren't there anymore. Ronnie said there's something wrong with Artie and he's not the same guy he was before. He used to be the life of the party but that's not true anymore. Artie said that he's not a normal guy and he knows that. He's not going to be perky in the morning all the time because he's not a happy person all the time. Artie mentioned that he's got to go to Hartford, Connecticut this weekend for a comedy show so the guys then realized why he wasn't getting any sleep. Artie said he's always thinking so that's why he's not getting sleep.
Howard got back to the story about Boston University and how the newspaper reprinted the story about how they won't put his picture on the wall up there. He said the story is about 5 years old and he's not even sure if the story is true. He talked about that for a short time and then Artie told a story about his old high school where they put him in their hall of fame after he was on Mad TV but pulled him out after he joined the Stern show. He said the Stern Show is the thing that made him famous and that's the thing keeping him out of the hall of fame thing. Howard said that he got a lot out of going to the college and he doesn't understand what their beef is with him. He's even been giving money to that school but now he's thinking about giving it to some other school like NYU. He said he's spoken to the dean of NYU and they're willing to name a studio after him. He said he is kind of outraged about that story about the Boston University thing but he's got to do some research into it to make sure it's true before he pulls out of sending money to them.
Artie said he did four shows down at the Stress Factory and gave the proceeds to the high school he went to. Now he thinks about it and says that they've dissed him so he's done raising money for the school. Howard said that maybe they should both stop giving money to their schools since that's the way they're getting treated. A listener called in and said that Artie called into WCCC last week and said that he may fall off the wagon by the time he goes up there to do his comedy show. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that she feels that Artie has changed over the past few days and wonders what it is. Artie said that he hasn't been drinking and he promises that he will talk about it when it does happen.
King of All Blacks called in and told Howard that Chris Rock has stolen his idea for the cartoon (Howard Stern the High School Years) and it's just not that good. He saw a preview DVD of the show and it's obvious they stole the idea and did it poorly. King said that the show would be funny as Howard was going to do it with a white kid going to a black school, not with a black kid going to a white school like Chris Rock's is. Howard said that his animated series will be on SpikeTV when it's ready but it's still in the works. King went on to talk about being in a Rolls Royce Phantom recently, because his friend won a $40 million lottery. The guys talked about that guy and how he's one of the guys who buys tickets for a large group of people and then claims that it was his own ticket when it wins. King said that the way people look at you when you're in one of those Phantom's is amazing. He said that it makes him feel like Howard. Howard thanked him for the call and had to go to break a short time later.
Howard can't imagine Britney Spears being prepared to be a parent in any way. He said she can't be ready to be a caring mother. Robin said she saw Don Johnson on some entertainment show talking about what a great father he is. Howard said a guy like that is a good father because he's not working. A listener called in and told Howard that there was a Paul McCartney special on last night and Howard and Beth were shown in the audience of the show they showed video from. Howard said they asked him if they could use the tape and Howard told them he didn't want them to but they went ahead and did it anyway. He didn't make a big deal out of it because it was Paul McCartney. The video is apparently on a DVD that McCartney is putting out. The caller thanked Howard for everything he's done for him over the years and said he's looking forward to moving over to the new place with him. Howard talked about how excited he is about this new stuff he's getting into.
Robin asked Artie about Roger Clemens pitching after his mother died this week. Howard said that's a weird thing to do but Gary came in and said he's not surprised because the guy is so intense. Howard said that would be the best day to call in sick and that's what he would probably have to do if his mother died. Robin said that when her father died she had a great time because it was the second best thing he ever did for her. Howard said he never misses work for any reason but he would miss it if his mother died. He said he'd even miss it if his dog died. Robin asked him if he would miss the first day on satellite if his mother died. He said he wouldn't miss that for anything. He went to break right after that.
Howard played the audio clip of Rush Limbaugh saying ''Mayor Nager'' instead of Mayor Nagin recently and then played a clip of Gary the Retard giving his opinion on the slip up and how he thinks that Rush is the ''Retard of the Week'' because of that. Howard said that will happen ever week now. Robin was a little confused by the clip and asked Howard to replay it for her. Howard reluctantly played it so Robin could hear him screwing up and calling Rush Limbaugh ''Rush Rebar'' and then calling the Retard of the Week feature ''Nig***'' of the week.
Howard played another clip of Hal talking about all of the guys they had there in the studio to talk about the dropping of the show. They had Hal, Ronnie Hunter, Blazer and Scoop. Gary told Howard he just wanted him to hear who they had sitting in that day. The guys were talking about the FCC and how their company has never paid a fine to the FCC, they've paid money to the government to get fines dismissed though. Tom Chiusano came in and told Howard that the process of an indecency fine goes a little something like this...
Sal came in and told Howard about another clip where a caller asked Hal about the contract they had with Howard. Hal claims he never read the contract so he doesn't know the details. Howard said he wonders why the Program Director wouldn't read it... maybe it's because he has the intelligence of a fly. Howard goofed on Hal about that since he was calling himself a business man earlier in the show. Hal also claimed he didn't know if they were going to be paying the contract off but Howard thinks he was lying because the money is coming out of his budget. Howard said he will remember this Hal guy when he applies for a job over at SIRIUS... and he won't give him a job. He said that he's told SIRIUS that he would never bar anyone from working at SIRIUS but he's thinking of breaking that rule and barring Hal Fish from working there. The caller told Hal that if they're honoring their contract, they're doing the right thing. Hal thanked him for the call and let him go. Howard said he's going to remember this guy's name, Hal Fish. He said that he'd better hope that terrestrial radio keeps him in the business for a long time because he won't be working for SIRIUS.
Howard played another clip of Hal going around in circles about the FCC thing so he told Gary to make sure he never forgets this guy's name. Hal took a phone call from a guy who said that Howard wasn't the main reason he listened to the station and he doesn't think they're going to lose anyone because of them dropping his show. Everyone in Howard's studio laughed when they heard that. Hal was claiming that they weren't screening calls that morning but Howard didn't believe that for a second. He said that he hates this guy Hal now that he's heard these tapes. Hal talked about how the owner of their radio station went to Washington DC after the Janet Jackson thing happened a couple of years ago and found out that they were up against a lot. He also claims that they bent over for the FCC. Howard cut off the tape and said that they bent over and took it from them, they didn't do anything for them, they just screwed over their talent. Howard explained how he was sued by Clear Channel at one point after they had fired him. That's the way the radio industry treats their talent these days. Howard had to take a break a short time later.
Howard announced that there are going to be a couple of concerts on September 20th to benefit the victims of hurricane Katrina. Radio City Music Hall and Madison Square Garden both have concerts going on that night and you can get tickets through Ticketmaster.com. He said he figured he'd give them a free plug since that's the least they can do.
Howard said they have this guy there today who claims that he used to be gay but now he's gone straight. Howard said just looking at the guy he can tell he's gay. They played some gay porn clips as he was coming in. Howard said the guy's name is Richard Cohen and he's got a book called ''Coming Out Straight : Understanding and Healing Homosexuality'' which is available at ComingOutStraight.com. Howard told him he looks gay to him and Richard told him that he knew he had some gay tendencies from the age of 10. Howard played some audio from a gay porn movie to see if it turned him on. Richard wasn't turned on by it and went on to tell Howard about how he experimented with homosexuality when he was young, but he was just ''experimenting'' with them. He said that he was just looking for affection with a guy when he was going through the gay stuff. He's now been married to a woman for 23 years now and doesn't remember everything that went on before that. Howard played another gay porn clip and asked him if he was turned on by it. Richard wasn't turned on but Howard said that he loves those tapes so Robin was a little suspicious of him instead of Richard. Richard said that everyone in his family knew that he was gay and when he told them that he was getting married, they all asked him ''Who's the man?'' They were very surprised when they heard that it was a woman he was going to marry.
Richard told Howard that he knew the woman he ended up marrying and he knew her for a long time before that. Howard saw a picture of her and noticed that she was an Asian woman. He showed the guys her picture and they all thought she looked cute, and like a woman, not a man. Howard wanted to get to the point and asked Richard how he went from being gay to being straight. Richard said he found a doctor in New York City who helped him understand the feelings he was having. He found that one of the issues he had was that he didn't bond with his father and he was having too much affection with his mother. He found that there are also kids who are very sensitive emotionally and they cut off from one of their parents and will turn to homosexuality to get the affection they missed out on. Richard thought that Howard went through some of the same things after reading his book. He said that he agrees with Howard that people are not ''born gay'' and they can change. Richard said he no longer has any homosexual feelings at all and there is no proof that homosexuality is genetic. He has a lot of thoughts on this whole thing and that's what he talks about in his book.
Howard had Gay Ramone come in after that so he could test out Richard's theories. Ramone said that Richard seemed to have the hots for him when he walked in. He was wearing his leather chaps with his ass cut out of them. Richard said he didn't have any gay feelings at all and wasn't turned on by this guy. Ramone said that he has had sex with women in his life too and he thinks Richard will eventually come back to the gay side. Artie said that he may even have gay feelings toward Ramone. Benjy asked Richard if he has feelings for any other woman other than his wife. Richard said he doesn't so the guys think that means he's gay because every guy fantasizes about being with other women. Richard said in that context, yes, he does think about other women but he wouldn't cheat on his wife. Howard wished him luck with his book so Richard got in a plug for the book and said they're offering a 10 percent discount for Stern Fans who order the book. Ramone was laughing and said he didn't believe a word of this stuff.
Sal and Richard Christy came walking in, dressed in robes, to show off their genitals to Richard. The two of them had their pants off and Richard Christy was wearing a shirt that said ''Come And Get It.'' There was a delay hit or two while that was going on there. Howard wrapped up with them and gave Ramone a $500 prize courtesy of the DVD release of ''Lost: The Complete First Season.'' He went to commercial after that.
Robin said that Danny knew that millions of people were going to see just how nuts he is after watching his show. Howard wondered if Danny would have gay sex with a guy for his show. Danny thought about it for a few seconds and didn't say he would, but he did sound like he'd be ready to do just about anything. Howard said that it seems as if Gretchen is willing to stay with Danny even if he were to sleep with a woman right in front of her. She said that isn't true and she wouldn't stand for it if he did something like that right in front of her. Danny thinks that Howard is right about that and she probably would stay with him no matter what he did. Howard thinks that Danny will eventually do that if they keep his TV show going. Artie said that the show should run for at least as long as MASH did. Danny seemed to think that was pretty funny. He also told the guys that he probably will end up doing stuff to jeopardize his marriage even though he's trying to save it right now. Gretchen said that right now Danny is doing very well and she thinks that things will work out.
Howard told Danny that he looks awesome these days because he's working out so hard. Danny said he has 6 percent body fat right now so he's in very good shape. He likes being intimidating like that. He works out before his radio show in the morning, then goes to a trainer after his radio show and then to a gym after that. He works out all day except when he's working on his radio show. Not only that but he's a chain smoker so it's not so easy. Danny told Howard that he has thought about cheating on his wife with other women and Howard thinks that he'll eventually go in that direction as long as that show is on the air. Howard also brought up the way Danny reacts to his therapist when he brings up his kids. Danny thinks that his kids would be better off not knowing him because he is ''soul-less.''
Howard asked Danny about his radio show and why that was canceled. Danny isn't sure exactly why but he seems to be happy that the show went from 2nd place to 19th place after they fired him. Danny said that he's never been sick and he never missed a day so he could work for Howard at SIRIUS if he wanted him to. Howard said he would think about hiring the guy but he's so crazy, there's no telling what he might do next. Danny said that he went as far as to jump a Suzuki over 3 cars one time when they came on as a sponsor. He ended up breaking an arm when he crashed but he didn't sue the company or anything like that.
Howard asked Danny about the woman he cheated on Gretchen with and how the sex was. Danny said that his marriage was sexless for a time and he had to get something. He came home and told her what he had done and almost got kicked out of the house. He said that they have an agreement now where sex is just sex and she can read while he's doing her if she wants. Danny told a story about how he flipped out one time when someone suggested that maybe there were some male dancers at a party Gretchen was at. Danny was so hyped up on chemicals that he jumped out of his limo and stopped a car of a guy who was a fan and tried to get to the hotel where her party was being held. He never did make it there but his producer tried calling the hotel to warn them that he was heading there and someone was going to get hurt. Since Danny knows so much about being wasted, Howard asked Danny what he thinks about the way Artie looks today. Howard said that ARtie's eyes were rolling into his head earlier when he was talking to him. Artie swears that nothing is going on with him today, he's just tired. Howard got back to Danny and found out that VH1 has purchased 11 shows after initially doing only 8. They were supposed to shoot for 28 days but it eventually went to over 50 days. Howard brought up Danny's kids and wondered if they were worried about child services coming in and taking them away. Danny said that was a concern for a little while. Gretchen said she tries to keep her kids shielded from what goes on but Robin thought that was kind of crazy. You shouldn't have to shield your kids from the man you live with.
Danny talked about how anyone above 6'4'' tall is on his list for getting punched out because he's just 5'6'' tall and hates them. He said he did try to punch out a huge guy who he thought he could take and he ended up getting knocked out by the guy. He said that was the end of his fight career. Danny said that his father was into fighting with all of his sons so that's where he gets some of this from. He said that his father once hit him for no reason while he was sitting next to him on a pier one time. He said he asked his father why he did that and he pointed to a sign on a wall that had his name above Duke Ellington's and his father wondered who he thought he was getting billing above Duke Ellington's.
Howard talked to Danny about his show on VH1 and how much money they paid him. Danny said that he got about $300,000 for the show which isn't all that much. Howard said he should get about $3 million for that. Robin asked Gretchen what kind of stunt would ruin their relationship. Gretchen said that if he cheated on her again, that could ruin it for them. Howard thinks that Danny has learned his lesson and he just isn't admitting to cheating anymore even though he's doing it. Danny told Howard that he's right about the ''not talking'' thing now. Danny said that he will not turn down the chance to bang a Playboy Playmate but Gretchen doesn't believe that he will actually go ahead and do that. Danny told Gretchen that he's not as nice as Howard Stern who never cheated on his wife.
Danny said that he's been offered other shows like Fear Factor but they didn't think they could insure him so they decided not to have him on. Danny said there's nothing to be afraid of on that show and he would do just about anything because he doesn't care. He also said that the show ''Survivor'' is nothing but a bunch of games. Just get him on the show and you'll see him win no problem. He said that if they couldn't have any food, he'd just eat Richard Hatch. Howard asked Danny about Dick Clark and how he's doing these days. Danny said that he's gotten much better than he was before his stroke and he may just make it to the New Years Rockin Eve this coming year. Howard said he hopes that's the case because the guy has been so cool with him. Howard told Danny and Gretchen that their show is great and he wishes them luck with it. Gary wondered if Gretchen is afraid of Danny getting up on that high horse again where he may go out and cheat or something like that. She said she can't think about what's going to happen tomorrow, if she did, she'd go crazy.
Howard started to wrap up and gave Danny a plug for ''Breaking Bonaduce.'' He saw that there were some phone calls for him so he took one from Shuli who had some questions from fans online. He asked a few of those and Danny said that he does have a problem with his therapist in one episode. He said that he lunged at his therapist and the guy leaned back and fell over. He didn't try to punch him out, but he did make his wife cry so he did lunge at him. Danny said he has other issues that he can't talk about on the air because of possible legal ramifications. Howard guessed that it was part of the crew that he may have attacked and Danny said that was an interesting guess. He wouldn't talk about what happened though because he could get into trouble over it. Shuli tried to ask more questions. He was asked a few more questions and threw one in where someone said that Danny's wife has a butter face. Danny didn't know what that meant so Howard had to tell him that it meant she wasn't that hot. He took another phone call from a guy who said that he would like to fight Danny in the ring and Danny said he'll wait until he can take someone on who can handle it. That led to the guys talking about the fight Danny had with Barry Williams. They spent a minute on that and then found out that Danny was heading over to The View. Howard told him that if he wants to cause problems that he should bring up his name to Star Jones over there. Danny said ''Done!'' and that he would say that Howard's show is the best ever. Howard went to break right after that.
Howard said that he thinks that the dog that Beth had on her lap in a picture on his web site may just be on the cover of the Globe this week as one of the pets being rescued. The dog might just be a celebrity. Howard said he was offered a chance to put his dog into a commercial but he doesn't want to start his dog off into show business, unlike Danny Bonaduce who thinks that putting his kid into show business is a good idea. Howard also talked about some of the pictures of celebrities he was checking out in the tabloids. He said he loves to see celebrities in their bathing suits, out of shape.
Howard said that he wrote a letter to Cabbie the other day since he refuses to take his call. He said that he just wrote him a quick, simple note so he wouldn't get jealous of anything. Not only that but he was thinking that the prison would be reading the mail before it gets to Cabbie anyway. Artie says that he wants to go visit Cabbie and Gary said he's already planning to go and he has some forms they need to fill out before they go. Gary also has a request in to interview Cabbie for the show. Howard told Artie to get some sleep before he goes to visit Cabbie. Robin said that Artie told her he's going to the doctor today. Howard thought that was kind of funny that he's going to the doctor because he can't sleep. Artie said it's actually a regular check up though. Gary came in and said that Cabbie is getting kind of depressed down there since no one is coming to visit him.
Howard took another call from a guy who had a game for the guys to play. The game was called ''Artie or Beth'' but Howard wasn't into playing it. He ended up doing it anyway since all he had to do was answer ''Beth'' or ''Artie'' after each question. Here's they are...
Another caller told Howard he can't wait for them to move to satellite. He also told Artie to ignore those guys that called in because he is funny. Howard spoke to another caller who talked about the mess down in New Orleans and how bad things really are down there. Howard said that he remembers what it was like to actually go down to the World Trade Center and see the mess down there in person and how much worse it seemed when he saw it in person. Howard gave the guy a $500 prize courtesy of the movie ''Lord of War'' which comes out tomorrow.
Howard started off the morning talking about how much he's always wanted a show named after himself. He said that maybe they could spin off an Artie Lange show but Artie's not into being a host. After that Howard and Robin talked about how Artie still sounds like he's got something wrong with him today. Artie said that he's just a little hoarse again today. He said that he may have been yelling at a couple of sporting events last night and that may have screwed up his voice even more. His voice was cracking this morning which it wasn't doing yesterday. Howard said Tom was worried about him yesterday when he heard that Artie's eyes were rolling into his head. He replayed the voice mail that Rev. Bob Levy left for him as ''Jack Daniels'' and how he was going to be hanging around him this weekend at the comedy show he's doing at the Webster Theater in Hartford, Connecticut. Artie got kind of pissed and said that when he doesn't ''Let'' Bob work on his shows, he ends up working at firehouses. Ouch! Howard wondered why Artie wasn't laughing at this call. Artie said he finds it very funny and hysterical but he wasn't laughing. He said it's really a lot of laughs and thought that they had done that bit already. He said that if they keep that stuff up, he may just get reacquainted with Jack Daniels at the Webster Theater. Howard played the first one that ARtie was talking about from a few weeks ago where Bob left a message as Jack Daniels again and just talked to him as if he had been missing Artie for a long time and how he'd be available at Ross' wedding if he wanted to get back with him. Howard said he knows what Artie didn't like about Bob's latest message... it was the part where he said that ARtie can't make it through a comedy show without the booze. Howard thinks that it's this gig that's coming up that's screwing up Artie's voice and he seems to have a completely new delivery. Artie doesn't see it that way.
Gary came in and said that it seems like Artie is preparing to go back to drinking and he seems to be warning everyone that he's heading that way. Artie said that the position he's in right now it's the healthiest for someone who is trying to stay sober. Working on this show and doing a comedy gig over the weekend isn't helping. A listener called in and said that ARtie should be going to AA to get some help because this gig that's coming up might be too soon and he probably shouldn't do it. His therapist has told him that maybe he should bring someone with him who would act as a sponsor but all of his friends just want to drink. He said he's been in the business for over a decade now and if he's still working at the age of 45, there's something wrong. He wants to be out of the business by then. Artie said that Nick DiPaolo is one of those guys who won't be drinking and he'll be at the comedy club this weekend to help keep him sober. Howard suggested bringing a camera along to catch his battle over night fighting but Artie said that's the kind of thing that leads to him drinking, he doesn't need that. Gary asked him if he could bring his mother to the gig. Artie said that would be the weirdest thing. Artie thinks that it'll be an easy show, they're going to do the show, grab their check and bolt out of there as soon as they can. He said that he's making good money that night and if Howard knew how much it was, he'd tell him to go ahead and do it.
Howard and Robin talked to Artie about his life off the booze and found out that he thinks that his life is still torture. He said he had a couple of great weekends with his girlfriend Dana during vacation and he loves that. Howard said it's like having a baby sitter and that helps him out as well with Beth. Artie told a story about how his buddy Norm Macdonald was down in Atlantic City last weekend and he wanted to go hang out with him but it would have been deadly for him to be down there with Norm. He probably would have hit the casino after Norm's comedy show and he would have ended up in a diner in Virginia with Norm after running away from loan sharks. Artie didn't get the whole voice thing and why Howard and Robin thought that it was like he was a different person. He said ''Holy Christ!'' when Robin told him that he was like a different person. Howard took some phone calls and one guy offered to sit around with Artie to make sure he doesn't get drunk on Saturday night. Howard asked Artie to let him hang out with him but Artie didn't want to let that happen, he doesn't need anyone like that. The caller said he'd pay his own way but Artie insisted he didn't need it. The caller figured that Artie's voice was shot this morning because of all of the stress he's under. Artie said that he's always under stress and this conversation isn't helping.
Robin asked Artie who he did ask to come with him to the comedy show. Artie said that Dana and his sister can't make it and he likes to have people like that around him. Robin said this is like a cliffhanger for them because they don't know what Artie is going to do. A guy from WCCC called in and told Artie he'd do what he could to give him the confidence not to drink up there when he's there. Another caller said that this guy Sid Rosenberg was sober for 120 days and then did a gig down in Atlantic City and ended up getting fired after he started drinking again. Artie said that he may disappoint people some day by having a drink and if he does, he said it's okay for them to fire him. He said that he doesn't want Howard to feel guilty for firing him if he has to. Howard and Robin don't get why he talks like that because they like him there. Artie started talking crazy like he did months ago when he was going nuts and threatening to leave the show. Today he was saying that he likes show business because it changes all the time. He's not all that much into stability and likes the change. He said he has fun at this job and he's having fun this morning but he likes to change once in a while. Robin said it's been like four years of fun and then he seemed like he changed earlier this year and things changed completely.
Gary came in and asked Artie if he would be willing to do a show where he plays a neighbor on a horrible sitcom even though he knows the show is awful. Artie said he thinks that being on Howard's show for four years has been great but he'd be willing to sell out to get a gig on another comedy show so he could retire on that. Howard took another phone call from a guy who said he sounds fine. Howard thinks that he almost sounds like Ed Torian now. His voice sounds strained and both Howard and Gary looked at him yesterday at least four times and wondered what was really going on with him. Artie said he's not stressed out by the whole comedy gig thing this weekend like everyone thinks he is. The caller asked Artie when his movie is coming out. Artie said that if he's lucky, it'll be out in the spring.
Sal the Stockbroker came in and told a story about running into this guy who worked on Artie's movie and told him that it was going to be a piece of crap. Howard thought that was kind of rude and not really helping out in this situation. Artie thanked him for doing that but Sal told Artie to take a drink already and lighten up. Artie told Sal that radio has two elements and he's not one of them. Howard took a call from a guy who said that he loved Jackie when he was on the show but when Artie showed up, he thought he brought a new life to the show. Howard feels the same way and said that there is no bigger fan of his than him. The caller said that maybe Artie could take over for Howard some day. Artie wouldn't want that. Fred chimed in and said that Artie is in a shaky place and these guys were being a bit cruel to him this morning.
Howard said that they went over to the new studio at SIRIUS and it looks like it's going to be an amazing place to work. They already had Hawaiian Punch in the refrigerator so he was thrilled. Howard offered to stop taking phone calls for Artie but Artie told him to go ahead and take all he wanted. Bobo called in and offered to be his sponsor just like some other callers had already done. Other callers were asking Artie what drugs he was on and how he was going to handle people buying him drinks all night on Saturday. Howard said he doesn't think that any of the 2000 people in the audience would tempt him with alcohol. He was being sarcastic of course. They'll all try to tempt him. Artie said that it's probably all going to end in a fiery hotel room this weekend. He said he's been offered $3,500 to go to a wedding to do just one shot. He wouldn't stop there though so that doesn't happen. Robin told ARtie that even if he does take a drink, he doesn't have to take more than one. Artie said ''I don't?''
A caller asked Howard what the new channel at SIRIUS is going to be like before he gets there. Howard said he doesn't have any control over there before he moves there but it's out of his control until January. He seemed to be saying that there could be some stuff on there but he's not going to be controlling it until January. Richard Christy came in and told Howard that someone else on the show may have a drinking problem. Sal the Stockbroker was out at a restaurant drinking a beer at 1 in the afternoon... but they said he claimed he was doing it because he wanted to make sure any fans that saw them would see him with a Heinekin in his hands. Howard didn't seem to think that was much of a problem though. Another caller was telling the guys that they should be telling Artie how great he is instead of goofing on him and making things worse.
Artie said he went to the doctor yesterday for a checkup. He had a prostate check and he was told he had a very healthy one up there. The doctor said that he's really not all that bad and his cholesterol is down to 198. Fred told him that's a little high. Howard said he's been told that his is in the 80s though. Howard had to take a break from all of this stuff and Artie said he had to take a break from it as well. They went to commercial right after that.
Howard asked Artie if he's ever seen him charged up as much as he is these days. Artie said he's never seen that in the years he's known him. Howard is really excited about this new prospect and he can't wait to get over there. He asked Artie what curse word he's going to use for the first time over there. Artie said it may just be C-sucker. Gary came in and said that he was up at SIRIUS a couple of weeks ago and Jay Thomas asked him to come on his show. He didn't think he could do it but his first thought was to use the F-word. The guys said they may take a few days to get all of that out of their systems before they settle in and get creative. The guys talked about having Martha Stewart on the big Roast show they're going to do. Howard could appear on her show as a trade for her coming on his show to roast him.
Bob Levy called in and apologized to Artie for the call earlier in the morning. He said he even told Kidd Chris yesterday that he wouldn't bring alcohol back stage at the comedy show. He said he hates to hear Artie going nuts and he doesn't want to make things worse. Howard asked Bob not to drink at the show so Bob said he won't drink... Coke... The soda, no booze. Bob said that he loves Artie and would kill for him. He said ''goodbye honey'' as he was getting off the line. Howard said that if he had to spend the night with Bob, he'd be drinking. Howard played some more audio of the Cowboy's music and then found out that Ronnie the Limo Driver is a big fan of the Village People. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard asked this guy why he only has 2 years to live. The guy is 54 years old and he has cancer so his doctors told him he only has about 2 years to live. Howard said that he should read Kevin Trudeau's book because that guy claims he can cure just about anything. The guy said that he got colon cancer and that spread through his body. He said he found out after he went to the bathroom after eating some chinese food. He said he had to have a blood test done after he had some bowel problems and they found that his white blood cell count was off so they did more tests and found that he had colon cancer that had spread to his liver. Howard had Artie do his ''Wah, wah'' stuff a little bit Artie said it was tough to do in front of a guy who is dying. The guy told Howard that he can't get a liver transplant because it's secondary cancer. He hasn't broken down and cried yet. He used to be an alcoholic and a drug addict. Howard had him say hello to Artie but he didn't want to make Artie feel bad. Artie said there's nothing so great about living anyway. Artie said this guy's story was sad as hell. The guy can't work and he can't travel much because he's so worn out after the chemo therapy. The guy needs the money to pay bills he has. He used to work at the Museum of Fine Arts up in Boston but he can't do anything anymore. Howard finally introduced the guy as Bob and said that he feels like he could be one of those guys who could turn everything around. Howard said he seems like a really great dude and a mellow guy.
Sal the Stockbroker came in and said that the guy is kind of weird about sex and wondered if he's gay... He was going with that thought because he worked in a museum and he was a drug addict. Bob said he wasn't gay and the guys thought that was kind of insulting. Howard moved on and let Bob play Win Fred's Money. The money was courtesy of the movie ''Lord of War'' which opens today. Fred went to Robin's booth, or the ''Isolation chamber'' so he couldn't hear the questions ahead of time. Here are the questions and correct answers:
Howard said that he shaped up when he realized how much money his father was spending to send him to college. That led to Gary talking about how he's been putting away a lot of money for his kids to go to college and he's not even sure if he'll have enough by then. The estimates are that he may have to spend $75,000 a year for a halfway decent college. Howard said his daughter has been asking him if there will be any money left for her to go to college by the time she has to go. He said he has to start a fund for her since his other two kids have gone.
Vinnie Favale called in and said that he went to a vocational school where he learned a trade in the refrigeration field. He said that he learned 4 years of that and couldn't repair a refrigerator today if he had to. He said he was afraid of electricity. Now he's the Vice President of Late Night Programming, East Coast for CBS. He said he was way in over his head when he was going to that school. Yucko the Clown called in and said that he got kicked out of Clown College for drinking. He was going to school for that down in Orlando and they actually kicked him out. Yucko also mentioned that they have a Stankervision marathon on this weekend on MTV2. Howard let him go after that and ended up talking about the TV show ''The Biggest Loser'' for a few minutes. Gary also said that the new season of Survivor is ''unbelieveable'' but Robin said she wasn't able to watch it. She said she's lost all interest in the show now. Gary said he thought that one guy was going to die on last night's show but they wouldn't even stop the cameras.
Howard had porn star Tabitha Stevens on the phone to talk about how she's having her cheek implants removed and replaced. Her cheek implants were moving so she now has to have them replaced with smaller ones. Gary said they were looking a little odd recently so that might not be a bad idea. Tabitha said she's not doing porn anymore but Howard saw her in a movie recently where she was hanging from meat hooks through her back skin. Tabitha said that she doesn't even have any scars there so it wasn't a big deal. Howard told her to come in after she gets the cheek implants.
A listener asked to play along with the game so Howard let him play. Sal mentioned the next movie, King Kong, and said that someone cried when they saw King Kong fall off the building. The caller guessed that it was Gary and Sal said he had won but Gary came in and said that it was just one of Sal's lame jokes. Sal laughed his ass off as Howard played the clip of King Kong getting shot off the Empire State Building. Howard and Robin were laughing their asses off as well. Gary said he never cried. Sal skipped over his own crying. He quickly mentioned that he cried at the end of Blow. He asked the guys who cried at the end of ''Born Free'' and the phone caller guessed that it was Fred. It turns out it was actually Howard who cried when they let the lion off in the wild. He said he was probably an adult when he cried at that one. Howard gave the caller a $500 prize even though he got it wrong. Howard played the clip from ''Born Free'' and wondered why he cried at that scene. Artie said he had a better one that he would have cried at... ''Schindler's List.'' Sal gave the next movie, ''My Life,'' and it turned out to be Gary's. Howard didn't like the game anymore so he had Sal just give them Robin's pick of ''My Best Friend's Wedding.'' Howard thought that was really strange. He moved on to take a phone call from a woman who asked Howard how she's going to listen to his show in the car while she's driving her kids around. Gary said that they do have cars where kids have headphones for the kids in the back so they can't hear in the front. She said it's kind of sad that the show is coming to an end but Howard said that it's not coming to an end, it's just moving to a new place. Gary asked what Fred's sad movie was and it was actually ''Schindler's List.'' Robin thanked Sal for another rotten game. Sal said he tried... Howard went to break after that.
Howard introduced comedian Greg Fitzsimmons who was going to sit in for Robin's news. He gave him a plug for his CD ''Fitz of Laughter '' which is available at GregFitzsimmons.com. Greg said this is his 25th time on the show so it's quite a day for him. Howard had Mike Walker on the phone after that so they could play the Gossip Game with him. Howard said that the game is sponsored by the DVD release of ''Lost: The Complete First Season.'' He asked Mike to start the game but Mike told Howard to check out the latest issue of the Enquirer where they have a picture of Jessica Alba on all fours that looks really hot to him. He said that she looks really cute to him. Howard didn't have it so he had Mike get to his game. Here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Greg talked about how he has tried just about anything sexually and how he even tried being gay. He said he had a drinking problem and he drank so much he makes Artie ''look like a person that doesn't drink that much.'' Greg said that he would go to an area in Boston where people would have gay, anonymous sex, just to see what happened. He was really drunk at the time and a guy just popped out from behind a tree like a little elf. The other guy undid his fly and pulled out his whole package. He said when he saw that he knew that he wasn't gay and pushed the guy away. The guy rolled backwards, hopped up on his feet and ran away like he was never there. Howard asked him what he would have done if the guy had hit his head on a rock or something. Greg said he probably would have had sex with him right there since he wouldn't be talking to anyone. He laughed after the guy ran away and never tried the gay thing again.
Howard asked Greg if he ever thought about having sex with a cow or anything like that. Greg said he has thought about doing it to a sheep, but not a cow. There was a delay hit around the time they were talking about this. Howard decided to put a stop to the nonsense and have Robin start her news. Greg hung around during the news to comment on some of the stories Robin brought up. Howard was playing some phony clips of President Clinton that they had created from real clips of his comments. They had Greg cracking up and Tom Chiusano hitting the dump button multiple times. They were also goofing on Gary by playing the King Kong clip again that they played during the Crying Game earlier in the show. Howard then found out that the delay had been hit during the Clinton clips. Gary told Howard that they had actually cleared those clips ahead of time and they still hit the delay on them. Howard said this is the kind of thing that's forcing him to go to satellite radio. He said he's not even going there to be really dirty, he just wants to do the show the way he wants to do it without worrying about this stuff. Tom Chiusano came in and said there were only two Clinton clips that were cut. They also had to cut out the word crap because of the way it was used by Artie at one point. Howard told Tom that he's really frustrated as hell over stuff like this. Tom also said that he didn't hear the Clinton clips that they played ahead of time, it was someone else who cleared them. Howard suggested that they just cut out the last few seconds of every bit so no one knows what's going on. Gary was in the studio so they played one of his song parodies and the King Kong movie clip again to goof on him as he was leaving.
Howard did throw in some of the phony President Clinton clips during the rest of the news and had Greg cracking up some more. Robin finished up her news and Howard wrapped up with Greg. Greg said that he's now working on a new show called ''Lucky Louie'' and is no longer working on the Ellen Degeneres show. He said the Louis CK show will air in January on Showtime. Howard gave him a plug for his web site and ended the show around 10:45am.