Howard returned from his three day weekend and wished Robin a happy birthday. Her birthday was on Sunday, August 8th. Artie had no idea that it was her birthday because no one sent him a memo about it. Howard said he has to write down his friend's birthdays so he remembers them. He just learned that about two years ago and that's how he remembers stuff like that these days. He said that he'd be giving Robin a nice gift later.
Howard talked about what Robin told him about going out on a boat with Mr. X and how they spent the evening on the boat to celebrate her birthday. Mr. X gave her a gift but the wind kicked up and blew the gift out into the water. It was jewelry but she never got the chance to open the box before it blew into the water. She was laughing as she was telling the story but Howard thought that was terrible. The gift is now at the bottom of the Hudson River. She said she felt like crap after that happened. Mr. X wouldn't even tell her what it was because he didn't want to make Robin feel worse than she did already.
Howard had an idea for a gift for Robin that he thought was a good idea. He wanted to give her something really special because she gave him something really nice last year. He said he went all out this year but wouldn't say exactly what it was. His other idea may not have been special enough for her because of what she had done for him on his 50th birthday. Artie told her that part of her gift was the fact that Benjy wasn't there this morning.
Robin talked about the sail boat that Mr. X had taken her out on. It was a rented boat and there was a crew that took care of them and fed them as they watched the sunset. Howard asked her if she got banged that night. She said ''Of course!'' Howard said that when Beth turned 32 he banged her after jokingly telling her that she was a little old for him. Robin said the sunset was great that night out on the sailboat.
Howard went to a party on Saturday night out on the beach. He said he and Beth had a good time out there because the weather was great. He said he really liked that and thought about having his own clam bake like this guy did with his party. Howard talked about cooking out on his grill yesterday but he wasn't able to get anyone to come out to enjoy it with him. He had some neighbors over to eat some stuff and they ate it all. Then a bunch of people showed up and he didn't have any food left to give them.
Robin asked Howard about his ''grill organization'' because she's seen some people who keep everything looking nice on the grill. Howard said you can't get too crazy with that because you might be considered ''gay'' by some guys. That led to Howard talking about his gay moment over the weekend when he was playing catch with some people. He was playing catch with some people and he accidentally threw the ball and hit a guy, who was sitting on the ground, in the head with the ball. Howard has trouble with his arm and isn't able to lift it up very high. Everyone thought he was just throwing like a girl but it was the arm that threw things off.
A listener called in and asked Robin if she got some ''anal play'' for her birthday. She didn't seem to want to talk about that stuff so Howard got back to her gift that was lost at sea. Another caller said he was on the bulletin board on Saturday when the whole gang got on. He said that things were running pretty smooth over the weekend. Howard was on the board himself and complained that Scott DePace from E! got in on his thread and started his own conversations in the middle of it. He said it kind of pissed him off. They were having discussions about Xbox and politics. Scott came in the studio to talk about that for a few seconds. The phone caller told Howard that he really enjoys the ''Ask Howard'' section of the bulletin board. He likes the answers he gives to the questions he's asked.
Howard said he had a meeting about the bulletin board with Jeff Schick and some other people. He wants to be able to have thousands of people on the board at the same time and he wants it to run smooth. Robin said she started a thread about theater and Howard told her he thought he was on the wrong board when he saw that. Robin said a bunch of people got in on the thread. Howard talked about one question someone asked him about the cars he's driven. He said he thinks he could write a book about the many cars he's driven over the years. That led to Robin talking about her Corvette after mentioning that Howard had driven one for a short time. Howard said that Robin goofed on him when he bought his Corvette. She said that she's had the car up to 95 MPH when Scott DePace asked her if she'd ever even gotten it over 65.
Howard bought an X-Car back in 1980 or so and it was very dangerous. He said that the car would spin out if you hit the brakes on it. He said his wife spun it one time so he had to get rid of it. Howard brought up the Corvette he had back in the 1980's. He had another one in the 1990's but he had a fan hop in the car and ask for a ride. He was always afraid to go fast in the Corvette when it was raining out because he'd read about hydro-planing and was afraid he'd do something like that in his car. Robin told Howard about a show she was watching about Ferrari drivers who go cross country together. Howard seemed to think that was kind of gay.
Howard took another call from a guy who congratulated Howard on having 100,000 users on his bulletin board. They took some new registrations over the weekend and added a lot more people. On Tuesday they're having another meeting on how to get more people on the board. They have a lot of cool features on the board right now and they don't want to lose those things if they change the software they're using.
Howard got a call from his lawyer who said that he heard rumors that the property was still being shown for some reason. Howard called the broker and was told that it was his deal. This broker left a bunch of messages with his broker and apparently lied about not showing the house. Howard was assured that the house was his. Then on Friday he gets the contract to finalize the deal. He got a call from his lawyer telling him that there's another offer on the table for the place he was going to buy. Howard called up the broker who said there was no other deal. That guy told him that he never promised to take the place off the market and the other offer was a back-up offer. His deal was supposed to be set and he wondered why he was being treated like this. Howard's lawyer knew that all of this stuff was going on. Then Howard got a call telling him that the other buyer had signed the deal and his offer was rejected. Howard said he called this guy Peter from Brown, Harris, Stevens and told him that this was unethical. He wondered if the owners knew about all of this stuff going on. The lawyer for the seller called Howard's lawyer and said that this was handled very poorly. He had a bunch of conversations with other people and some people said they did nothing wrong but Howard still thinks that it was unethical.
Howard said he felt like a victim in all of this and he's going to write a letter to the State Attorney General about this whole thing. It's just not cool to do stuff like that. He was going to go on a whole campaign against this real estate firm but decided to just drop it. He didn't want to talk about it at all but it was in the paper over the weekend. He has audio tapes backing up his story and at the very least, someone's license should be pulled. The whole thing got too weird for him and now he's getting calls from the real estate firm trying to calm him down. Someone told him that the whole deal had been handled perfectly but not in Howard's opinion.
Fred spoke up and said that he's had similar things happen to him. Once a seller gets their asking price, that's when deals fall apart. Howard was trying to be honest and honorable in the deal but that just didn't happen. Fred said he's had deals fall apart and then they tell the seller that they were willing to give more money but then they say that they weren't aware of that. Howard doesn't want to deal with stuff like that anymore and will only talk to the owner personally if he finds another house. Howard believes that his offer was actually the back-up offer and he was played in the whole thing.
Bobo said that he's still not able to log on to the bulletin board and asked if the guys could hook him up so he can get on the board. Howard told him he'd see what he could do but his head was spinning from all of this stuff so he let him off the line. He continued to talk about this real estate deal for a few minutes after that. He said he was told that he could hold up this whole deal for years if he wanted. That property is the property where his dog ended up getting covered in ticks at. The dog also ended up getting Lyme Disease after getting bitten by a tick so maybe it's a good thing he didn't get the deal. He said he could go after these people on his radio show but he's just going to let it go. He took a break after talking about that for a little longer.
Howard changed subjects and said he didn't know they still have this ''Def Comedy Jam'' thing on the air anymore. Robin told him that it's actually the ''Def Poetry Jam.'' Howard played some audio from that program where this guy was just talking about this country and how we do whatever the F*** we want in this world. There was no poetry there. Robin heard one rhyme but that was about it. Howard said it was more like ''Def Yell Jam.''
Joey Boots called in and wished Robin a happy birthday. He then said he was out in The Hamptons over the weekend and ran into Robert De Niro. He asked De Niro if he would come on the show but he said ''No'' to him. Joey claims that Bobby D recognized him from one of the E! shows he'd seen but he doesn't listen to the radio show. He knows about Howard's problems with the FCC and he thinks that Howard will come out ahead in the end. Joey then asked Howard when he'll be invited out to his house in The Hamptons. Joey was working a party out there, that's how he ended up at a party in The Hamptons. Howard had to take another break after that.
Howard said there's this guy Neal who filed a lawsuit against Dr. Phil. He had the guy on the line to talk about his lawsuit. Neal told Howard that he went on Dr. Phil's show as an audience member and had been working on a documentary about bi-polar disorder. He said that he had to sign a document saying that you are not under any psychiatric care and you are not mentally ill. Neal thought that was wrong and said that he asked one of the staff members about that. He was told that he could go on the show but he would not be allowed to ask any questions or participate in the show in any way. Neal wondered why people are being discriminated against.
Neal took the piece of paper and shoved it in his pocket. He told the people he wasn't comfortable with going on the show so he was going to leave. They wanted that piece of paper back from him but he pretended he didn't have it. He left after about 20 minutes and now he's filed a suit under an American Disabilities act saying that they're discriminating against mentally ill people. Howard and Robin seemed to think it was a pretty good move. Howard would like to see Dr. Phil deal with some mentally ill people. Right now it seems that he only wants to deal with people who don't have real problems. Neal said that someone has to stand up to this guy and that's what he's doing.
Neal is representing himself at this point because the lawyer he had was not familiar with discrimination cases. Howard told him to keep them up to date on this whole case as it moves along. Neal got in a plug for his web site BiPolarFilm.com where you can find out more about his movie and what else he's up to. Howard said that someone should file a suit against the FCC about his show saying that they're making it hard for him to do the show the way they want to hear it. Howard said that with any luck, the Dr. Phil show will look like the inside of Creedmore sometime in the future.
Captain Janks had some prank calls he's made recently. He played one where he called a local cable show and just said ''Imus blows.'' The host had to move on and just ignored what he said. Janks made another call and said that he believes that Howard Stern should be President. Howard thought it was funny that Janks had said ''Pop shots'' instead of ''pot shots'' when he was talking to the host. Howard said that ''pop shots'' are
Howard talked about a great porn movie he saw over the weekend. He said that Jenna Jameson is a great actress. He said he was home alone on Thursday. Someone had e-mailed him and told him about Vivid Video and a web site they have where you can watch their porn movies. They have a ton of movies available there. He said they have still shots from each movie and a synopsis of the movie. He saw this one Jenna Jameson movie and clicked on the pictures. Jenna has a chick tied up in a bondage scene and thought that looked hot. The name of the movie was ''The Masseuse.'' Janks quickly blurted out ''I've seen that!'' when he heard the name. Robin said ''Of course you have.'' Howard went on to explain what happens in the movie. He said Jenna is very convincing as a masseuse and there is a whole story going on with her and this guy she's supposed to be shaving down. The guy asks her to use her hand on him and she does it. Then this guy goes to work and there's a chick there stripping for him. He convinces Jenna's character to give him oral reluctantly. Then he goes back to work again and the chick starts to pleasure herself in front of him but he walks away from it. The guy ends up tying Jenna up in one scene. Then the guy ties himself up while Jenna goes to the bathroom with another chick. Jenna is doing this other chick, who he thinks is Savanna. They were all doing stuff to each other and it was great. That was where Howard finished himself off and stopped the movie.
Janks asked Howard if he's ever been caught pleasuring himself. Howard said he bolts his door shut and has never been caught. Janks said he has been caught before. Howard wondered if Janks had ever pleasured himself in front of a chick. Janks is too embarrassed to do that but Howard said he has done it and chicks dig it. They get an idea of how you like to pleasure yourself. He recommended the movie and said that it's a Vivid Video release. Both Howard and Captain Janks gave the movie good reviews. Howard said he gives it a 5 tissue review. Janks played his recent prank call to Imus as Howard was getting ready to hang up on him. That led to Howard goofing on Imus for a few seconds.
Chaunce Hayden called in and told Howard about a Jenna Jameson movie that was on pay-per-view this month. Howard told Chaunce that he'll be asking Jenna about the movie when she comes in this week. Howard changed subjects and ended up talking about ''Inside the Actor Studio'' and how boring some of the guests are. Howard said that he might do that show if he was asked to do it because they're so serious on that show. Howard was joking around how James Lipton would ask him about ''Butt Bongo Fiesta'' and stuff. Then he talked about how he watched that video on Thursday and saw how ridiculous his hair looked back then. Howard goofed around with that for a few seconds.
Chaunce asked for a plug for this thing he's doing for ABC news today. He'll be on a show called ''Tattle Tales'' on an ABC news cable channel. Howard said he doesn't know why Chaunce does some of the things he does. Chaunce said that this stuff also airs on the internet but that didn't impress Howard. He goofed on Chaunce for a short time and told him that it's a waste of his time to do that stuff. Howard told him that it's going to be a beautiful day today and he should go out and enjoy the weather.
Chaunce said that he'll be in the same studio that Peter Jennings does his reports from. Howard told him that he should go to K-Mart and do some gossip stuff on the security camera there. More people might see it there than on this ABC news channel he's talking about. Howard had to take another break shortly after that.
Howard was reading in the paper about how Ellen Degeneres may have had some cosmetic surgery done on her. Robin said that sounds right after Howard read some of the work she had done on her because she was looking a bit bad in the neck area. That led to the guys talking about women like Barbara Eden and Mary Tyler Moore have been hit by their age pretty hard.
Howard brought up the fact that Rick James died last Friday. He and Robin talked about James and his years of drug use. They say he died of natural causes though. Artie said he read that all of the money he had when he died came from MC Hammer's remake of his song. Howard played some of Rick James' music and said that most of it sucked. He played one song that was a pretty bit hit years ago. Gary said there was another song that was a pretty big hit but ''Super Freak'' was his biggest. Howard played a little bit of that and talked about the odd look that James had through his career. He either had the greasy hair or the beaded braids where he looked like he was walking through beads all the time. Artie said that James looked really bad there toward the end.
Gary brought in the MC Hammer version of ''Can't Touch This'' which used Rick James' ''Super Freak'' music. Howard listened to a little bit of that and said he can't believe MC Hammer didn't go on to bigger things. Since Howard had his music library open, he played the Pearl Jam song ''Glorified G'' and said he got a lot of e-mail about the explanation he gave about what the song is about. He said he may not have explained it good enough on Thursday when he played it.
Howard also talked about a Bruce Springsteen song he was listening to. Artie was singing the song for Howard and they spent a short time on that. Howard played the song and talked with Gary and Artie about some of Bruce's other stuff for a couple of minutes. Artie once did a Karaoke version of a Springsteen song and did one of those long talks before the song started. He said that was actually the actual talk that Bruce does before the live version of ''The River.'' Howard played the actual version of that live song and Artie had the story down pretty good. Artie said that Bruce doesn't do that stuff as much anymore in his concerts.
Howard got a bunch of e-mail about the Gary tickling episode that aired last week. Someone wrote in and complained about the red eye problem they have with the camera they use on HowardStern.com. People don't want to see the red eye. Someone else wrote in about Artie's eating. There were some about his interpretation of Pearl Jam's ''Glorified G.'' Some other people wrote in about Howard's bathroom habits and how he cleans up. A couple of people suggested using baby wipes or Tucks medicated wipes to clean up back there.
Someone wrote in and told Fred to keep up his impressions of Imus and for Howard to keep goofing on the guy. A bunch of people wrote in about Imus and told Howard to keep it up. Someone suggested that Howard play the tape where Imus' wife talks to Larry King about how they met and makes it sound like she was just a guest on the show and not that she was there for a contest that Imus was holding to try and find a new wife. Howard played some clips of Imus bad mouthing his girlfriend calling her a slut among other things. Both Fred and Howard were doing their impressions of Imus and talking about some of the stuff the guy has done in the past.
Imus was rambling about Howard in the tapes they were playing but they weren't even sure what he was talking about. Howard and Robin were trying to decipher exactly what it was he was talking about. Howard started the tape from the beginning and tried to figure it all out again. Imus said that there's not much to make fun of about Howard once you get past his ''penis nose'' and ''stupid, slut girlfriend.'' The guys continued to goof on Imus as they were playing the audio from his show. Howard pointed out that the guy walks around dressed like a cowboy when he's at his cancer ranch and it's like he's dressing up like a little kid would. Artie wondered what made less sense, this, Beetlejuice or the Def Poetry Jam.
Howard had another clip from the Def Poetry Jam. It was another guy just yelling and not really doing poetry. It's more of a speech about his life as a black man. Howard and Fred did some more Imus impressions during that as well.
Howard read some mail that he got about this guy Yaqi the Tickler who was claiming that he's dying. A bunch of people wrote in and said that the disease he has is not deadly. Artie said that if the guy does die though, they'll know why.
Last Friday Howard said they had a scare when they heard that Senator Brownback's indecency bill may have been signed into law. Howard said that he doesn't want to be on air when that bill passes because he can be fined as an individual up to $500,000. The bill was hidden on the back of some defense bill and it was reported that the bill had been signed by the President last week. It turned out to be another bill, not the one with the indecency thing attached to it. Howard said the right won could be signed any day now and he'll have to come in and just play records for the remainder of his contract.
Howard took a call from Julian who claimed that he was one of the guys from the Def Poetry Jam thing. Howard said he's not even sure that his poetry was really poetry. Robin said his poetry was a little better flowing that the first clip they played earlier in the morning. Howard had some poetry that he claimed to have written many years ago about a woman's private parts. He wasn't able to say the word but said it was ''P-word Juice'' and read a little bit of the made up poem.
Howard talked to Julian about his poetry for a minute and wondered if he went on that show and used the N-word if he would get lynched. Howard asked Julian if he's angry at work all the time. He figured he's probably one of those guys who people are afraid to talk to at work. He let him go after that short discussion.
Ralph called in to talk about the Miss Teen USA pageant that he watched over the weekend. He told Howard about how they had all of the girls in a water park getting hosed down. They were 16-18 years old according to Ralph. He said they get them all in evening gowns and then into bikinis. Ralph said that they all looked hot too. He wasn't sure what the difference between that and kiddie porn was. He said he didn't pleasure himself to it but he did get worked up over them. Ralph said he wrote down the one he thought was the hottest in a bikini and she was the one who ended up winning the whole contest.
Howard played some clips from the Miss Teen USA pageant. One girl talked about her brother ''putting his line on the life'' for her because he's in the military. Ralph said that some of the girls sounded really dumb on the show and that must have been one of them. Howard then played the clip of President Bush making a dumb comment that he played earlier in the morning. There were more clips that Howard had of the girls screwing up their lines as they're talking. One girl screwed up ''The Great Gatsby'' by saying ''Gapsby.'' Another girl was asked what she would do if she were President. The girl said that she would get together with the FDA and try to ban fast food restaurants because she's addicted to french fries. That got some laughs out of Artie and Kidd Chris.
Howard played another clip from the Miss Teen USA pageant. This girl was asked about people's futures and if they think it's choice or chance that determines your future. She said something about it being choice and if you make bad decisions, that's how your life will go.
Kidd Chris had a really hot girlfriend that he dumped so Howard talked about that for a short time. Chris said that she actually danced with Robin's Mr. X at one party they were at. Chris ended up dumping her at the party for some reason. Chris said that she disappeared at one point during the party and he thought that she had left him. He left because he thought she had left. Gary came in and said that they looked for Chris for about 45 minutes and couldn't find him. The woman started crying because she didn't have any money herself. Chris had flown her in and was taking care of her so she didn't have any money with her. Chris said that when he got back to the hotel room she was already there and she really didn't get mad at him.
KC came in and said he heard a story about Kidd Chris throwing up in front of his mother one day after he'd gotten really drunk the night before. Artie said he has done stuff like that himself. Howard played Kidd Chris' ''Sulu Dance'' song parody that they play often on the show. Kidd said that the song refuses to go away. He told the guys how they came up with the whole song and got George Takei to say some of the lines that were included in the song. Ralph and Howard were driving somewhere with Beth in the car and were singing the song and talking like George Takei. She thought they were nuts and had no idea what they were doing.
Howard offered to give Chris a bunch of his old interviews with Takei if he wanted to chop them up and use them. Gary came in and said that they wanted him to be part of their football pool but Takei was afraid that they would make fun of him for being Asian. Kidd Chris said that it's the way he talks that's funny and he's a really cool guy. Artie was doing his impression of Takei pointing out that it's not the Asian part of him that's funny, it's the funny way he speaks.
Howard told Chris that Richard Christy took some of George Takei's book on tape and created a bit around that. Richard came in and said he'd try to find the bit. Chris hadn't heard that yet.
Howard said he got a call over the weekend from Pam Anderson who was looking to talk to Ralph. She was asking him to talk to Howard about promoting her book so it can move up to number 1. Ralph said he talked to her about a few other things and was invited out to her house for a party out there.
Howard played the bit that Richard Christy put together using clips from George Takei's book on tape. He made it sound like he was talking about a date he had with Fred. Howard and Chris think that they should create a reality show around Takei because it would be fascinating. Howard had to take a break after that.
Howard got pissed for a few seconds and then asked Kidd Chris if he farts on the air. Kidd said he plays sound effects once in a while but Howard does them for real. He then demonstrated by sticking the microphone up to his ass and blasted one into it. He said he smells the microphone after that.
Howard talked about how he's trying to work with Tom Chiusano so his show will run smoothly but it's just not working. Kidd Chris was talking about how Howard should just stream his show on the internet or something. Howard said it's very expensive to do that though and he'd have to make it a pay service. That led to the guys talking about the many internet radio shows that were around a few years ago and how they've vanished. There was one service called EYada.com where Chaunce Hayden worked for a while.
Kidd Chris was talking about this web site called PartyHardCore.com that Howard checked out a few months ago. They said that the site is great and they're supposed to be going on tour sometime soon. Howard was also talking about the Vivid Video web site and how great that Jenna Jameson movie was that he watched.
Chaunce Hayden called in and asked Kidd Chris to stand up for his web radio show. Chaunce said that Kidd Chris sent him e-mail saying that he liked the show but Kidd said he would call in and bust him for doing phony interviews. Chaunce claims that he was paid over $100,000 a year to do that radio show of his. Howard said the show was horrible and he only made it through about 10 minutes of it. Chaunce now claims that he has a meeting with Sirius radio. Howard just laughed when he heard that. Chaunce said that Howard is a hypocrite and tells him that he has talent one moment and then laughs when he says he might get his own radio show. Howard told him that internet radio will be cool when people can get it in their cars and they have good performers on it.
Gary came in and said that he went to see Chaunce one day doing his show and he was naked in the studio showing his junk and stuff. Joey Boots called in and said that he used to listen to Chaunce's radio show and he was able to call in whenever he wanted so he didn't have any listeners. He claimed that all of their numbers were fudged and he didn't have any listeners. Joey claims he knew someone who worked over there and one night he had 54 people listening. He didn't have a million listeners like he claimed. Zolar got in on the conversation for a minute as well and bad mouthed Chaunce's radio show. Howard let Chaunce go a short time after that and had Robin start her news.
Howard started the show off talking about how much energy Robin has first thing in the morning. She and Scott DePace were arguing politics out in the hall before the show. Robin said she thinks that Scott isn't bright enough to understand what she's talking about. Scott came in and said that Robin was asking him about why they were fixing up her booth if they're just going to be kicked off the air any day now. She blamed ''his President'' and said that it's because of him that they're going to be off the air soon. Scott said that if Bush wins in November, Robin told him that she's going to pack her things and move out of this country. She believes that they'll be off the air by then and it won't matter so she'll be on some desert island somewhere. Scott wondered if other people will follow her. She says she doesn't want to stay in this country and watch it be ruined by President Bush. She doesn't want anyone following her though and she wants an island of her own. Artie said he hopes she's there with the Professor and Maryanne.
Howard changed subjects and said that he saw Fred and Alison Norris walking their baby Tess down the street yesterday. He leaned in to say hello to their daughter and freaked her out. She started crying and screaming when he did that. She's gotten pretty big since the last time he saw her. Alison told Howard that she has Fred's face so he tried to look at her but she was screaming and crying so much that he couldn't tell. He asked her if she wanted some toys or something but she continued to cry. He said he doesn't think that Tess really looks all that much like Fred but Robin said it's obvious that she is Fred's baby. That made Howard wonder what Alison's life is like with Fred. Robin and Artie said it seems that she's very happy with Fred. Howard said he wanted to ask Alison if she is crying on the inside. Fred's wife had told Howard's girlfriend Beth that she was very beautiful yesterday so Howard wondered ''What about me?'' He didn't get the same compliment.
Howard read an article about the band Creed and how they broke up. He said he'd like to get the band together in a room to ask them about that. They had some good songs according to Howard and they were sometimes called ''Pearl Jam Light'' by some. Howard said an interview with them might be pretty interesting.
Howard brought up a story about Naomi Campbell beating up a maid she had working for her. She's apparently beaten up some other people she's been with as well so the guys talked about that for a few seconds.
Howard read a story about how much money our country has spent on the Iraq war so far. It's up around $144.4 billion at this point and it might cost another $100 billion next year. Some people wondered what all of that money could have paid for here in this country. They could have taken a few billion from that and safeguarded our ports. We're still not safe in this country after attacking Iraq so that money could be used to upgrade our Coast Guard fleet. They could have used more money to protect our airlines and to add police officers around the country. They could have used billions for explosive detection devices at different places around the country. They could have added more people to the military and stuff like that as well. Howard and Robin spent a couple of minutes talking about how they could have spent that money right here instead of wasting time and money over in Iraq. They could have spent more in Afghanistan and the search for Osama bin Laden too.
Scott DePace came in and asked how using that money to try and stop people from using shoulder fired missiles would benefit this country. Howard explained to him that it would help if they had more troops here in the country to guard our borders. Scott was arguing that we are safer now that Saddam Hussein is out but Howard doesn't agree with that. The two of them went at each other for a short time. Scott told Howard that if Hussein had weapons of mass destruction and he had used them, then he'd be the first one saying that Bush didn't do anything about it when he had the chance. He also said that there were other people saying that Iraq had WMD's when Bush was saying it so he's not completely to blame.
Captain Janks called in and said that there was an article in the paper last week that someone found a rocket laying on the side of the road in Pennsylvania but it turned out to be a practice rocket. He wondered how something like that gets on the side of the road. They talked about that for a minute and then took a few more calls. One guy said that now that Robin has promised to leave the country if Bush wins, he might have to vote for him. He said he's a Kerry supporter but he wants Robin gone so he may vote Bush. Howard said he's staying in this country even if Bush wins and even if he's taken off the air.
A phone caller told Howard that he's a truck driver and he was delivering some weapons and his truck was never checked during his trip. He was waved through a weigh station at one point and didn't get checked. The phone caller was also asking about Jimmy Buffet and how many people he has following him around. He said that he believes that it's the many talented musicians he has on his new album that's making him as popular as he is at this point. Howard wanted to check out that album to hear what kind of stuff they have on it but he had to take a break first.
Howard played another voice mail from an AT&T relay service where the woman left a vague message that said something like ''you are the biggest nig*er fag ever.'' They were't sure who that was for. Another guy left a message where he was moaning and sex talking like a gay guy might.
Crazy Alice left a new message for KC. She was wondering how KC was doing and said he's looking good on the TV show. She said she knows that he's being depressed by his gay boss and that Robin is looking like she's gained some weight back. She said Fred looks good but Artie blows up like a balloon. She had some nice things to say about Gary ''Baba Booey'' before she went off on President Bush and Howard again. KC came in and said that Alice really dislikes Howard and Robin. She only likes a couple of people on the show for some reason. She was very calm as she was leaving her message though.
A listener called in and asked if anyone had seen Stuttering John on Celebrity Blackjack. John has gotten very arrogant according to the caller. Howard said it was tough to get through because it did seem like he was very arrogant and he didn't like the way he came off. He seemed annoying and angry during the game. Robin thought it was like John was only talking to get attention. Howard said he was trying to be funny and it just wasn't coming across as being funny.
The caller also mentioned the upcoming election so Howard spent some time talking about the election and how his fans should stick together as a group and vote Bush out.
Howard talked about he ended up getting stuck in traffic the other day trying to get to an appointment in the city. He figured there could have been a security check or something but when he got out of the car and started walking, he was told to take a detour down another street. He was then told that Nicolas Cage was shooting a movie right up the street and he wasn't allowed to walk through. Howard told the people that stopped him that he was going to walk right up the street because there was no reason to have traffic stopped like that. He went right on through and walked up the street where no one else was walking. He said that no one is going to see this movie anyway. A couple of dudes walked up to Howard as he was walking up the street and asked him to take a picture with them. He said he doesn't like taking pictures anyway but the guy walked along with him for a block. He had to tell the guy to get the hell out of there but then his buddy was following him around with a camera. Howard figures that his autograph is worthless these days because he's signed so many things over the years.
Howard said he will not go to see this new Nicolas Cage movie because of what they did to traffic there in the city. He believes it's ridiculous to shut down streets like that in the City when they don't have a plan to detour traffic. Fred said he's had movies filmed in front of his building and they try to keep him from walking down the street. He just tells them he lives there and walks past them. The guys spent a couple of minutes talking about that before they had to take another commercial break.
Artie said that he and the guys were over in JD's area watching the Miss Teen USA pageant. Howard was hiding in the back watching the show as well. Gary came in and said that it was a room full of guys watching the show and drooling over the young girls. He said he stayed and watched the show much longer than he should have. The girls are very young on that show so Robin warned them that they may not want to talk about what they were thinking as they were watching it. Howard had a few audio clips from the Miss Teen USA show where some of the girls make really dumb statements. He played those clips yesterday as well and had a little fun with them.
Howard got some suggestions from the guys about doing their own Miss Teen pageant. They have an Intern Beauty Pageant coming up soon so that's the closest they'll get to that. Howard got back to the audio clips from the Miss Teen USA show. One of the girls calls The Great Gatsby ''The Great Gabsby'' while giving her speech. Howard said the best one was a clip where a teen from Hawaii talks about what she would do if she were President. She talks about how she would ban fast food restaurants because she's addicted to french fries. Robin said that's the only thing that's affecting her world at this point.
Howard said he believes that Riley believes that he's actually been abducted. Riley said that he may be crazy but if he wanted to flim-flam people, he would become a TV preacher or a radio show host like Howard. Riley says that he knows that he has been taken by aliens and he wrote his book 15 years ago where he gave the coordinates of where the mother ship was located. The spacecraft that just reached the area was sent up after that.
Riley says that he wrote a letter to Howard about a year before 9/11 and warned him that something was going to happen. He claims that he has predicted some other stuff that has come to pass. Howard played a clip that Richard Christy put together where Riley talks about making love to a KC. It was just a joke but Riley didn't seem to find it all that amusing.
Howard talked about the picture of the ''mother ship'' that Riley has on his web site TheComingOfTan.com. Riley says that it is obviously a mother ship. Riley says that he has been invited down to Washington DC to talk about this mother ship. He said that there are ''people'' down there who invited him to speak. Fred was playing a bunch of sci-fi movie sound effects in the background as Howard and Riley were talking.
There is a picture on Riley's web site that he posted there. Howard said he saw that and it looked like some kind of egg or something. Howard muted Riley's voice and asked Robin what she thinks of this guy. Robin said she loves Riley and Riley said that he loves her. Howard seems to think the guy is nuts. Riley says that the Aliens believe that by 2012 there will be some major changes on this world. There are wars, rumors of more wars and a strange weather patterns going on in the world. All of this should be taken into consideration and people should get prepared.
Howard asked Riley if he thinks he has fried his brain over the years when he was using coke. Riley says that if his brain is fried he still has people asking him about all of this alien stuff. He has many people who ask him about the Aliens even though he's not well educated. Howard took a call from a woman who said that Riley sounds like he needs some help. Riley told her that it's this world that needs help, not him. Another caller said that Riley just proved that there are no aliens because they're not down here helping us already. Riley said that the aliens are not allowed to come down and take over or help our world. There's some kind of unwritten law that keeps them from doing that.
A caller claiming to be one of the Biaviian aliens. He called Riley some names and said that the real estate on their planet has gone down since Riley visited. Riley went on to talk about how much he has learned from the Biaviians when he's been with them. Howard asked Riley about his wife and if she is a white woman or not. All Riley would say is ''she is a woman'' and would not say if she is white or not. He suggested that Howard have him up to the studio and he will bring her with him. Howard asked him how long he's been with her but he was avoiding answering any personal questions like that.
A few more callers got through to goof on Riley a little bit. Howard cut them short and then gave Riley another plug for his web site TheComingOfTan.com. He then gave Robin some facts about Riley. Not only is he married but he thinks that Tom Selleck is beautiful, but says he isn't gay. Riley also things that Jews are descendants from Aliens. The mother ship contains a huge porn collection so Howard is ready to go up there. Riley told Howard that they have a collection of tapes of humans making love but they are not porn stars. Howard read that Riley says there are gay aliens and there are some reptilian aliens who look similar to Gary. He has also gotten high with the aliens smoking some alien pot. Riley has some alien children but they are back at the home planet so we can't see them.
Robin wondered why the aliens didn't take someone like a Stephen Hawking or someone who is more noteworthy than a Riley Martin. Riley went on to talk about the leaders of the planet who are thieves and assassins so they do not want to have people like that on their ship. Howard said it'll be funny if in 20 years Riley is right and we get to see him getting on an alien ship while the world is being destroyed. He wrapped up the call shortly after that. Howard asked Gary to book both Riley and his wife to come on the show. Fred continued to play some clips from some sci-fi movies before Howard went to another commercial break.
Howard had a mystery song for Robin but it was spoiled immediately when Sam Kinison started to talk before singing. He was actually a good singer and his brother sent it to him. His brother is selling Sam's last sermon from when he was a preacher. You can check that out at SamKinison.org. Sam left the preaching and went into the career of comedy and banging a lot of chicks.
Howard said that his latest Pam Anderson interview is on E! tonight. Pam's assistant took a picture of Howard with Pam and he says they look really good together.
Howard was told about a web site where they have a cartoon drawing of a girl and she's wearing a tube top and a mini-skirt. You play a game where you have to try and get her clothes off and rub her to turn her on to get more and more points. Howard tested the game and got her skirt and panties off but he woke her up which ends the game. Howard said you have to move your mouse back and forth and it's just a crazy game. It seems like it should be illegal because it encourages you to mess with sleeping chicks.
KC came in and told Howard about a web site where they show a guy eating a real baby. He said that you can tell it's real and that's on Rotten.com. Howard said he saw a video clip the other day of a woman getting on a treadmill and falling flat on her face. That one was circulating through their e-mail but Howard said it's also on EbaumsWorld.com. KC also mentioned a site called ConsumptionJunction.com where they have all kinds of weird videos and pictures. Howard said the game he was playing is available on Petardass.com/cositas/orgasmica.
Howard moved on to read an article that was written about how much power his show will have on the upcoming election. In the article they talk about how Howard's show cold help the Democrats get an extra 1 or 2 percent of the vote which could help get them the win. Republican's dispute those claims of course.
Howard got a chain letter the other day and passed it along to a bunch of people. He was afraid of breaking the chain so he sent it along. He had to send it to seven people. Usually he doesn't get suckered into that stuff but this time he did. He apologized to everyone he sent it to. He explained what the letter was about and how you had to answer a bunch of questions in it. It was really, really dumb but he went through it and filled it out anyway. He pulled the letter up and told Robin about how you have to pick an animal out of a list. Each animal is linked to something in your life. You have to link colors to people so he was saying that Orange makes him think of Chaunce Hayden because he has that redish-orange hair. There were a bunch of other things in the mail that he went through but he knows that it was just dumb. He got caught up in the whole thing and had to send it though. Fred got it and said he was annoyed when he saw it. He told his sister-in-law never to send him stuff like that anymore after she sent him one.
Howard got a lot of e-mail that he went though. Someone commented on how good looking Robin was on the web site yesterday. They got some mail about the Radio Hall of Fame inductees this year. Lowry Mays from Clear Channel is one of the names on the list. Howard said that guy has done more to ruin this business more than anyone on this planet. Howard thanked John Hogan from Clear Channel for helping him out with his case against them. Hogan says ''Howard Stern hasn't changed, we have'' and that's all he needs to show the judge in his law suit against them.
Howard had some names that people are using on his bulletin board. They have names like:
Other e-mailers wrote in about Howard and Fred's impression of Imus. Some love it, some hate it. There were people who complained about Artie talking too much while they're playing something like the ''Sulu Dance'' song parody. Howard played the song after that and Artie added his impression of George Takei to the mix. Artie said he couldn't help himself.
Howard talked about the great Jenna Jameson porn movie ''The Massuese'' that he was watching over the weekend. He read an e-mail from someone who told him that the creepy guy in the movie is now Jenna Jameson's husband. Someone else suggested the movie ''Bella Loves Jenna'' as another great Jenna movie to check out. Howard talked about how Jeff Schick from IBM came over to help him out with his computer. He asked him not to delete that movie from his computer because it was so good. He said the voices don't match up with the video very well in those downloadable movies but it was still really good.
Someone wrote in about a story that Robin and Howard talked about where someone was bitten by a dog and Fred was playing audio of a dog barking and a cartoon biting sound effect that made the guy laugh his ass off. Howard read a couple more e-mails and then moved on to take some phone calls.
Robin wanted to hook this woman up with JD instead of ''Martie.'' Howard and the guys said that wasn't going to happen. Sonja said that she had her breast implants put in by Dr. Sal Calabro so Howard figured she was on his web site, SalCalabro.com. Howard went on the site and found her picture. Artie and Howard were pretty impressed when they saw her. Dr. Calabro called in a short time later and told Howard how hot she was. He said he took six liters of fat from her and gave her the implants. Then she got into Playboy. Sonja said that there is one topless shot of her on Sal's web site. The guys were having a hard time finding her nude picture but they did find it eventually. Howard told Sal that he did a great job on her.
Ralph called in and told Artie it was a good thing he had a girlfriend. Sonja told Artie that just one date with her would make him forget about his girlfriend. Ralph was sitting home the other night when he got a call from Pam Anderson. He wouldn't have been able to go see her if he had a girlfriend. Howard asked Sonja if she wanted to come down and meet Artie. She would like to do that and said that she has dated guys that she described as being ''stocky'' like Artie. She has even gone out to dinner and done guys in the bathroom. She told Howard about having a threesome. Sonja told a story about meeting the woman at The Limelight and ended up going into the bathroom with her where they fooled around. She was in the bathroom with a guy and this other chick.
Artie told Sonja that he definitely can't meet her at 2 o'clock at Uptown Pizza in Hoboken, New Jersey this afternoon. Howard told Sonja that he would arrange for her to come to the studio so she can meet Artie. The guys were thinking of having Ed Torian down to do a lie detector test on the woman to make sure she's telling the truth about liking Artie. Artie did his impression of Ed for a short time before they had to go to commercial break again.
Howard said he had a turkey burger last night and that's what they have almost every night at the same restaurant. He said Beth gets embarrassed when they go to the same place a few times a week and get the same meal. Howard said she gets a turkey burger with cheese but he doesn't eat cheese. He said that Beth also eats a ton of candy as well. He said she'll eat a 20 piece box of candy and still stays thin. Robin said that's a crime and she should be arrested.
Howard gave Robin her birthday gift yesterday and it went over big. He's sending her to Arizona for a spa treatment. Robin said that she's making plans for that trip already. Howard got the best gift that Robin ever gave him. The 50th birthday party she threw for him was amazing and he can't forget it. Artie said he was lucky enough to have been there and it was a wonderful party. Fred said he didn't like it that much because he was stuck at a table with Stuttering John. That led to Fred talking about how John was a user and he didn't like the way he latched on to Jackie and he thinks there was something about him that was disingenuous. Robin thought that the tables were supposed to be rotating that night but Fred said it didn't work that way for them that night. Howard said he was glad she put him at the same table that night because this story was interesting. Howard wondered who else Fred dislikes. He said that he came to dislike Jackie after a while because he used the show as well.
Fred said he doesn't talk about that stuff much because some people might get nervous if they knew he didn't like them. Fred told Howard that he loves him. Robin said she's never heard him talk like that before. Fred also loves Robin but Howard said he hopes that he likes him better than Robin. Fred said he does because he met Howard first.
Artie wanted to bet that he could do at least 10 push-ups but Howard said they're kind of hard to judge. Howard said he can do about 40 push-ups where you tap someone's fist under your chest. Howard said he thinks that Artie could do 15 push-ups and he was willing to let him do it right there.
Chaunce Hayden called in and told Howard that Jack LaLanne looks like he's 100 years old these days. Gary said he's turning 90 in September and that's what the whole appearance would be about. He doesn't think that he's in that great shape and he's just like any other 90 year old guy. Howard said maybe they should just have an ass wiping contest instead to see if the guy can still do that at 90. Howard and Gary were trying to figure out what they could do against Jack if he comes on the show. KC said it's like wrestling a girl and it's a non-win situation. Beating a 90 year old guy is no great feat. Howard said he could have an erection contest to see who can get aroused the quickest. He figured he could win at that one.
Howard had KC do the push-up thing with Artie. KC would be counting the push-ups because Howard didn't want to move to the other side of the studio. It was too much of a hassle. KC told Artie to keep his back straight and then started his count. Artie proceeded to do push-up after push-up until he got to about 10. Then he slowed down but did managed to get to 16 before he collapsed. Howard told him his stretch marks were showing when his belly was hanging out. Howard knew that he could do the 15. Gary owes Artie $100 because he didn't think it was going to happen.
Howard wondered who would be taking on Jack LaLanne when he comes in. Robin said it has to be Howard. He doesn't want to get his ass beat by a 90 year old guy. Dominic Barbara called in and said he wants to bet Howard $1000 that he can't do 10 pull-ups. Howard said he does that every day and does 3 sets of 10 pull-ups when he's in the gym. Dominic brought the bet down to $100. Howard said that he even climbs the ropes in the gym and that seemed to make Dominic jealous because he's never been able to do that his whole life.
Pam wondered if they had any cameras in the room at the time. Howard said they did but he didn't put any up on his web site as a courtesy to her. She gave him permission to do that while she was on the phone though. Pam was having fun with Howard that morning and had pulled his hair at one point. That kind of upset him and he didn't like it. Pam was saying that she is single now and if Howard didn't have a girlfriend, something might have gone on.
Artie said that Pam kissed him on the lips but she didn't even remember him being there in her room. Artie told her that she poured a drink on him as well. Howard told her that she asked him to sign her ass so he palmed her ass and had his fingers way up there where they shouldn't have been. He said that people loved that show. Pam had meetings later that morning and they went well even after all of that went on. She bragged that she's a responsible person because she did make it to those meetings after all that was going on.
Pam thought that they had video of all of that stuff but Howard told her they didn't tape it. Artie said they didn't need to see Ralph laying on the bed in a towel like they saw while they were there. Pam asked Howard if he's getting along with his girlfriend. He said they're doing find but Pam told him to let her know if things don't work out. Robin said that she's seeing Ralph getting together with Pam since Howard isn't available. Howard doesn't think that will happen.
Ralph called in and said that he never told Howard that he could bang Pam. Howard said he told him that he was going to work his magic on her and try to get her. Gary asked Howard if he would follow Ralph if Ralph did bang her. Howard said he actually did follow him with one chick but he didn't really know about it. Ralph had scoped this chick out for him at the time. Howard said that was a long time ago and it was back when he was a lot of fun.
Howard wondered if Pam likes to be with him because of who he is or because she really likes him. He was also worried about her being too rough with him in bed if they did hook up. Pam said she's really not that rough. Gary said that Scott DePace drove Ralph home that day and he was carrying around the jean legs he cut off of Pam's jeans. Howard said he brought those things into the studio and was stroking them there. He figures he has them hanging on his apartment wall by now. Some of the guys said he's probably done ''things'' to those jeans as well. Ralph joked that they were stiff now that he's had them for a while.
Pam said no one will tell her what really went on over there at her hotel room. She just remembers little things about it like being put in the shower and looking out at everyone who was standing there looking at her. Howard took some phone calls after that and a guy told him that this was Pam Anderson he was talking about and he should have just banged her. Howard doesn't want to lose Beth though so that's why he didn't want to do anything with her. He said when you find someone that you really love you stick with her. Pam wanted to give out her e-mail address but Howard cut her off before she gave it out over the air. He told her that she wouldn't want that because she'd be swamped with mail. Howard gave her a plug for her book ''Star: A Novel'' and wrapped up the call with her. He went to break after that.
Starting off the news Robin talked about Fae Wray dying at the age of 96. They're going to dim the lights on the Empire State Building tonight to honor her. She wanted to play some clips of Rick James but the tapes weren't ready for her. Howard and Artie talked about his ''Super Freak'' song a little bit. Robin continued on with a few other news stories. High Pitch Erik called in and did his Rick James impression which was actually pretty good, only because his voice sounded halfway normal while he was doing it. Robin asked him why he doesn't do that voice all the time but Howard cut him off before he had the chance to answer.
Robin read a story about Christopher Reeve and how he's enjoying his life. Howard doesn't believe that the guy has a quality of life that's worth living and the doctors had no right to keep him alive after his accident. Robin said he doesn't know that Reeve doesn't enjoy being alive. Howard said that if the guy could shoot himself, he would. He doesn't even have the ability to do that. Robin wanted Howard to realize that it is possible for people to have a decent life even if they are paralyzed. Howard didn't seem to agree with that argument though.
Robin brought up a story about some French people who were visiting Auschwitz who ended up yelling at a student who was visiting because she was wearing an Israeli flag on her back. One guy grabbed her arm and shook her. Howard said the French have balls to go to a concentration camp to be anti-semites.
During the news a woman called in and said that she's a tutor for Christopher Reeve's son. She said that Chris and his Wife have a very active life and they do spend a lot of time together alone in the house doing stuff that they don't know about. The woman said that she thinks that she is doing something to her to please her and that's why they turn the monitors off for about 45 minutes once in a while. Howard figures that even if he is giving or oral or something, he doesn't feel anything because it's just his tongue he's using. That got him talking about how Chris's head is basically the only thing that's alive on his body. You have to wait for someone to wipe you and take care of you. He asked the tutor if she ever teases Chris and bends over in front of him. She said she never does that.
Howard said that he thinks Reeve is a great guy and his wife was really beautiful. He even offered to have sex with his wife Dana when she was on the show. He said he'd love to interview them again and find out what's going on during that 45 minutes. Robin got back to her news after that quick phone call. Robin and Howard wrapped up the news and the show around 10:40.
Howard was listening to the tapes that Bill Kinison sent him of his brother Sam preaching. He said it's like his stand-up act without the jokes. He played a couple of clips of Sam yelling during his sermon. It was Sam being Sam but he wasn't telling jokes. He was talking about how he can't tell jokes anymore during this sermon. Robin said she thought it was the funniest thing he ever said as he was screaming about the empty faces he would see during his stand-up act. At one point Sam breaks down and starts crying. Howard played that clip and said that he was praying for Jesus and asked for his people to pray for him. Howard said you have to miss that guy after hearing that stuff.
Robin picked up on how often Sam was saying ''Amen'' after just about everything he said. Howard wasn't sure how his voice could hold up during that. Jessica Hahn called in while this was going on to talk about Sam since she had gone out with him many years ago. Jessica remembered the days when they were together and she'd ask him to preach to her like that sometimes. Howard reminded everyone that Jessica was a ''church girl'' way back then and she ended up hooking up with Jim Bakker who was a preacher.
Howard said he would talk about some of the stuff that Jessica and Sam did way back then but he can't bring that stuff up because of the FCC and what's going on with them. He said he was reading about some of the stuff they censored out of the show yesterday and he was getting really depressed. They cut out so much it makes him want to get out of there. They have to cut stuff out because there's just the slightest chance they could eventually be fined by the FCC.
Howard and Jessica talked about the time Sam soiled himself in bed one time but they didn't get into a lot of details about that. Jessica had to clean up after him with a bottle of Windex she found. Howard asked her about having sex with Sam and if he was good or not. She said that he was great and it was a lot of fun for him to do that stuff with her. Jessica brought up Howard's bulletin board and said that she can't get on there for some reason. She's been unable to get on so she's waiting to hear back from someone who can help her out with it. Jessica told the guys she loves them and told each of them they've been great. Howard let her go a short time later.
Howard and Robin talked about the time Jessica cleaned up Sam's mess and how upset Sam got with her for talking about it. It made for some great radio back then though. Sam called in and ended up yelling at Jessica about talking about that incident. Howard played more clips from the tape Bill Kinison sent him.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he registered for Howard's bulletin board but he's unable to get on the site. He says he's told that he's not an authorized user and they can't let him in. Howard told the guy that they can't let more than a certain number of people on there at one time. He said he's been told they're working on fixing the problems. Tom Chiusano came in and told Howard about the chat he had last night on the board. He told a story about how he started his own thread and how many people were responding to his post. Tom told his wife to check out the thread so she could see what was going on. Then the horrible posts started to be posted about her even though they didn't know she was on. Tom said he had a great time doing it though. Even his wife Penelope enjoyed the conversation even though there was some negative stuff being posted about her. Howard said she's a good sport to put up with that.
Gary came in and told Howard how he's been playing catch with his kid and how he hasn't been able to throw good pitches to him very often. It's tough when you choke. Howard said he never even played hard ball when he was growing up. His mother wouldn't let him play because a friend of his got hit in the mouth with a bat and lost his teeth. Howard's mother is afraid of going to the doctor and anything that might hurt their family. Howard drives very cautiously because he's been so freaked out by the things he's been told.
Gary told Howard about the new game Artie and Scott DePace came up with. They play a game of dodge ball out in the hall during the break. Robin said she sometimes walks out into the hall and the ball goes flying by her. Howard saw JD playing ball with the guys in the hall and wanted to ask him what he was doing. Then he figured that it's nice to see that he's got a couple of friends there to play with so he kept his mouth shut. Howard said that if he had a son he would have taken him to play little league baseball. Gary said that Howard gave him a lecture about putting his kids through football last year. Howard said he knows some people who have problems with their elbows and knees from playing football as kids.
Artie said that a guy like Jason in the back office gets goofed on because he can't throw a ball. He said that he would love to be able to type like Jason does because being able to throw a ball gets him nowhere in his life. He can't function in life not being able to type. Artie said he looks like a retard when he types. Howard took a typing class when he was in school and he's very happy he did that because he is probably the fastest typist there at the station. Artie said he's never seen someone type faster than Jason. Howard said he had to type fast to write his book as fast as he did. The guys talked about that for a little longer before taking a break.
Howard looked into his music library but Robin was hearing some noise. He told her not to talk about noise. He said that he was waken up last night by some really weird screeching noise in his apartment. He walked around looking for what it was and tried to figure it out. He was turning things off but he was unable to find the source. It never went away either.
Howard had a lot of stuff to talk about today including some stuff about Clear Channel. He said one of the guys from that company opened up their big mouth. They just want to end his career for some reason and that's why he's suing them. He read how they're claiming that they did him a favor by firing him because his ratings were going down. The article was from Billboard and they didn't even challenge the Clear Channel guy's claims. He was number one in Pittsburgh when he was taken off of the Clear Channel station there but no one picks up on that. Howard pointed out that these guys are bad mouthing him in industry magazines so it makes him look bad to future employers.
Howard wondered what drives these people at Clear Channel to do stuff like this. They had just renewed his contracts not too long before they fired him so they must not have had a problem with his ratings at that time. Gary told Howard that Clear Channel said that Howard was on his way to being irrelevant, not just losing ratings. Howard is going to be back on in Miami starting on Monday and he's looking forward to beating the old Clear Channel station down there. Clear Channel has done everything they can to ruin his career and it makes Howard wonder what he did to them to make them feel this way. He worked for them for 10 years and when they decided to ''change direction'' with their company, they fired him and have been bad mouthing him ever since.
Gary brought in the article that they were talking about. He read the quotes from Lowry Mays who was saying that Howard was on his way to being irrelevant. He also talks about Howard's show being very political and how he'll eventually have to go back to doing regular radio. Howard said that these people are just asses. Howard just wants them to shut their mouths and leave him out of their conversations.
Howard took a call from a caller in Orlando who told Howard how bad the station sucked down there after Clear Channel pulled his show. Howard went off on Clear Channel and said he can't wait to crush those stations in the markets he was taken off in. Now he's back on in most of them and he's looking forward to beating them. Another woman called in from Orlando and asked Howard how he's doing in the ratings down there. They just recently went back on down there so he's not sure how they're doing yet. The woman wondered about the Monsters of the Morning and how they're going to do against them. Howard believes that he's going to beat them of course.
Another caller told Howard that he backed out of going to a concert because he found out it was a Clear Channel venue. Howard told the guy that they're disguising themselves by saying that they're ''CC concerts.'' He said that some people are running away from those concerts because they're so disgusted by them. If he knew someone that could run a concert business, he'd hire someone and take Clear Channel on. It's tough though because Clear Channel owns so many venues out there. Howard said that he'll see John Hogan in court and went to break a short time later.
Richard Christy pulled some stuff off the bulletin board from Tom Chiusano's thread that they talked about earlier. Howard read through some of it and it was pretty brutal. People were calling him names and telling him to get lost. One guy just wrote ''Die!'' There were some people who wrote some nice things and asked him some normal questions. While they were talking about that Tom said that he just went for his 6 year check up for his cancer and he's still doing well.
Howard brought up an article he read in Glamour magazine about a woman who found a lump in her breast and eventually found out that she had terminal cancer. He said the story was really sad. Tom talked about how great Sloan Kettering was when he went there. They'll take you in immediately if you need to go. This woman Howard was talking about wasn't able to get an appointment for a month. He went on to talk about this article he read and how the woman spent the last three years of her life with this guy and a dog but she was worried about what was going to happen to them. At the end of the article she writes about how she may never know if John Kerry beats George W. Bush. She died 8 days before the article was published. Howard said it makes you realize how bad cancer can be. Tom talked about how lucky he was to have caught his cancer when he did. Artie said he'd read that article if they just published it in a non-gay magazine. Howard said he's going to have to read that woman's book. He wasn't sure what the woman's name was so he didn't have that information for Tom who was interested in finding out.
Howard got back to Tom's bulletin board thread and read through some of the comments that were posted. There were some good questions and a lot of negative comments about him. Tom argues with the people on the board but he took all of the negative stuff pretty well. Someone asked Tom just how ugly his wife is. Tom didn't answer that one on. There was another one about Tom's wife being a whore. He and his wife just laughed all of that off though.
Howard found out the name of the woman who wrote that article he was talking about earlier. He said the woman's name was Stephanie Williams. Gary asked Robin about a rumor going around on the bulletin board about her doing the Oprah Winfrey show on September 2nd. She said that's not true though. It's going around on the bulletin board like it's fact.
Wendy told Howard she wants to go out with him. He wondered if she would make out with him like she did with High Pitch Erik out in Las Vegas a few months ago. Howard asked Wendy what she was wearing this morning. She said she was in a bikini and she's 5'5'' tall and weighs 210 pounds. She claims that she's working out now trying to lose weight for him. Howard told her he likes her being 5'5'' weighing 210 pounds. He said he'd give her soft kisses on her lips and stroke her head. Wendy said she'd draw a hot picture of him. Howard would then untie her bikini top... That probably squeezes her fat so it looks like a roast beef with the strings around it. Howard asked her if she has stretch marks on her breasts because he likes that. She was saying ''yes'' to everything he was saying.
Howard wanted to hear Wendy moan for him. She was trying to do something but she would just keep saying ''yes'' over and over again. Howard laid Wendy down on her bed and told her that she was topless. Wendy kept saying ''yes'' to everything he was saying so Howard asked her to say ''yes'' over and over again. He then asked her to say ''no'' but she threw in another ''yes.''
Wendy asked Howard to play his song ''Every Homo'' before he hung up on her. Sal the Stockbroker (HorseToothJackass.com) called in and asked Howard not to have retard phone sex anymore because he'd just puked on his steering wheel. Howard said he can't wait for Wendy to start posting on the bulletin board. He asked her to spell the word bread. She spelled it BORED. She claims that she can type and she uses both hands. She was able to spell love when she was asked to. Howard played ''Every Homo'' for Wendy before he got her off the phone and went to commercial break.
A listener from Orlando called in and said that the Clear Channel station in Orlando went from being number one to tying for 8th place in the ratings. Howard said that's what pisses him off about John Hogan from Clear Channel bad mouthing him. He was doing great on their stations and they're trying to make it seem like he was on his way to being irrelevant. Howard wonders why that guy doesn't want him to be able to make a living. The Orlando caller said that he's just a lackey for George Bush.
Howard doesn't understand why the reporter at Billboard didn't check the facts about his ratings before printing this article he wrote. The caller told Howard about the ''Howard the Chicken'' bit that Clear Channel is using down in that area as well. Howard talked about all of the things Clear Channel has done to him since dropping him earlier this year. They used him as their scapegoat during the congressional hearings and have tried to ruin his career. He freaked out and started yelling and waving his arms. Then he hurt his shoulder when he waved one arm the wrong way. He said he was really in pain after that. Howard has never seen a company go after an individual like Clear Channel has.
In the letter they offer to take Howard on a tour of the nation's only Radio Hall of Fame. Artie said they have to take the E! cameras there and take the tour. Howard said they may just have to do that.
A listener from Tampa called in and told Howard he's never heard of him. He asked if anyone on Howard's show is famous for doing anything. Howard told the guy that they have Artie Lange from ''The Norm Show.'' Howard hung up on the guy after he got in a few plugs for some guy who calls himself Chuck the Chuckster.
There were complaints about the Imus tapes that Howard has played recently. People hate hearing the noises coming from that guy's mouth as he talks. Another person asked about the Pam Anderson hotel room pictures that weren't posted on the web site yet. Howard said he'll tell Jason which ones he wants to put on there.
An e-mailer wrote in and asked who did the Nicole Richie ''That's Hot, Hot, Hot'' song parody. Howard played it and said that it's their own Richard Christy who won the Win John's Job contest a few weeks back.
Howard read an e-mail about the conversation they had about Stuttering John yesterday. They just proved how much of a user John seemed to be while he was working for the show. Some people wrote in and thought that Artie singing along to the ''Sulu Dance'' song parody is great unlike some people who complained about it in yesterday's e-mail. They played the ''Sulu Dance'' song and Artie threw in a few of his George Takei impressions.
Jason came in with the pictures from the Pam Anderson hotel room thing they did last week. Howard said there are some pictures where the strippers are shown and he's not sure they want to be on his site. He said there are a couple of hot pictures that he wants to put up but they have to cover their faces and breasts so they don't get upset about it. Jason went through a few of the pictures and Howard thought that they should just show the pictures of Pam and cut out the other people.
Howard got an e-mail about the picture KC was talking about yesterday where a guy is eating a real aborted baby on Rotten.com. The writer said that it's not a real picture, it's a performance artist who pretends to do that with a doll. There were some e-mails about Sonja who called in and asked to go out with Artie. One person told him to just bang that chick at one of his comedy shows and his girlfriend will never find out about it. There were a bunch of e-mails about Ralph hanging out with Pam Anderson. A bunch of people find it disgusting that he could possibly bang her. There was one guy who told Howard to stop C-blocking him from getting Pam if he has the chance.
Howard got an e-mail from Wendy the Retard and it was a mess so he can't wait for her to start posting on his bulletin board. She misspelled a lot of the words in the e-mail and it didn't make a lot of sense.
Red Peters (RedPeters.com) sent Howard a video of the making of the song ''Things I Can't Say.'' It turns out that Red Peters is a group of guys and Doug is the guy they know who calls into the show. He said that guy has a lot of great songs that he should play on his show. He played the song ''How's Your Whole (Family)'' which he's played in the past. Howard talked about the DVD he saw and how they have a whole recoding studio that they record at. They apparently have a huge business where they record theme songs for TV shows and commercials.
Richard Christy came in and said he had a conversation with Tom who told him he should find different subjects for the phony interviews he's been creating. Gary said they might as well go through all of that stuff now as long as Tom was in. Howard doesn't want Tom to hear his bits anymore because he ends up chopping them up. Howard told Tom that it's funny when Richard does those bits and that's what he believes his audience likes. He told Tom that the stuff he thinks is funny is the stuff that they're chopping out of the show so he's incapable of doing the job for the company so they should get rid of him already.
Howard told Tom that he wants out of terrestrial radio and he can't believe he has 17 months left on his current contract. He can't talk about wiping and doody or even farting. Tom said he can talk about that stuff but they just have to do it a little differently. Gary defended Tom and said that he did approve ''The World's Biggest Hemorrhoid Contest.'' Howard said he approved it but they can't talk about what the hemorrhoid looks like. Howard went on to tell Richard to keep up the good work he's been doing on those phony interviews he's created. They've edited down the interview he created with George Takei to the point that there are only a couple of funny lines left in it.
Howard told Tom that he has to get out of this whole thing. Tom told Howard that he never wanted to do what he's doing and everyone is doing things differently on the show than they have in the past. He started out as a salesman and worked his way up to General Manager which led to him doing the button pushing. That led to them talking about how Tom hasn't moved on to bigger and better things for some reason. Some people think that the reason he hasn't gotten promoted from his current position is because he's able to work with Howard.
The guys got on the subject of who's going to be voting for Bush there at the station other than Scott DePace. Luis the board operator is Hispanic so Howard and the guys assumed that he would vote Bush. Luis said he hasn't actually decided at this point because he's not a fan of Bush or Kerry. Howard figures he's going to vote for Bush if he's undecided at this point. Howard told him to just vote for Kerry and to go back and work the board.
Gary told Howard that it's like having a mother and father telling him completely different things working there now. Tom tells him one thing and Howard tells him another. Howard begged Tom to fire him one last time and then had to take another break.
Howard wanted to get Charles Manson's football picks from prison but that's taking too long. They're still trying to get George Takei to do it but he's not really interested. Eric the Midget is a possibility. There was mention of getting Amber Frey who slept with Scott Peterson at one point. Howard read an article about how smooth Scott Peterson was getting this chick into bed on the first date. He read through the article to find the section about the date. Peterson had a bottle of champagne and a box of strawberries in his leather bag. Howard said he's a player and has never thought of carrying around something like that. Howard figures any normal woman would run out the door if a guy pulled out a bottle of champagne and strawberries.
Peterson and Frey went out on a second date and went hiking. Peterson carried Frey's 22 month old daughter on their hike. Howard said this guy is really good and even cooked for the woman before they had sex for the second time. He also said that guys are good at the seduction, they just can't keep it up for a long time. Howard read through a little more of that article before changing subjects.
Howard liked the pictures he saw of the conjoined twins that were separated. Howard also brought up a story about Mike Wallace having some trouble with the cops. That led to him talking about ''60 Minutes'' and how they do stories that make it seem like people are going to be arrested the next day but nothing ever happens.
Gilbert said he can't badmouth anyone these days but he was goofing on Stuttering John since he did Leno recently. Howard talked to him about that for a short time.
Howard had some trivia about Gilbert and asked Robin if she knew which of the following things Gilbert did a voice for in a commercial... a fork, a toaster or a blender. Robin knew that it was the toaster. Gilbert said that was for Pop-Tarts so Howard asked him how he prepares to play the part of a toaster. Gilbert just laughed. Howard said Gilbert played the part of either Hitler, Stalin or Mussolini in a movie. It turned out to be Hitler in the movie ''Highway to Hell.'' It was supposed to be a comedy according to Gilbert. Howard asked Robin if she knew which of the following Gilbert played on an internet ad. Crayon, Stapler or Paper Clip. He played the paper clip. Howard had another one where Gilbert played the part of the dot in the Pong video game. Gilbert didn't remember that one. Howard asked him if this was his dream. Gilbert said nothing he's dreamt about has ever come true.
Howard goofed on Gilbert about all of these roles he's played over the years. He was Jerry the Belly Button Elf on Ren and Stimpy. Howard pictures him being interviewed on ''Inside the Actors Studio'' and being asked about playing that part. That led to him talking about how they can't get any decent guests on that show these days. They had Naomi Watts on recently and the only hit she's had is ''The Ring.'' Gilbert says he's love to go on the show and tell say that his favorite word is ''love'' and his least favorite is ''bigotry.'' Artie found that to be very funny and laughed his ass off when he heard it.
Gilbert opened up for Debbie Gibson at one point in his career. Gilbert didn't remember that either but Howard had it in his notes so it must be true. The two of them goofed on James Lipton for a short time since they were still on the subject of ''Inside the Actors Studio.'' Gilbert had Artie laughing his ass off while he was coming up with some of the stuff he would say on that show. Howard had audio of Tom Cruise interviewing James Lipton on ''Inside the Actors Studio'' so he played it but Gilbert kept interrupting it with his own lines. Howard wanted him to listen but he kept throwing out racial slurs to replace the words that Lipton was saying. Howard said he finds the host of that show to be pretty creepy.
Howard pretended to be James Lipton and asked Gilbert some of the questions they ask on that show. Gilbert played along for a couple of minutes before Howard wrapped that up and gave him a plug for his Caroline's on Broadway appearance tomorrow night at 8pm.
Howard asked Gilbert if all of his characters are different or if they're all the same voice. Gilbert said the one time he did a different voice was when he did his Jerry Seinfeld impression for the cartoon ''Clerks.'' Seinfeld didn't want to do the show himself so they called Gilbert to do it instead. Howard goofed on Gilbert's clothes a little bit and asked him if he has to button every single button on his shirt. It's like he doesn't want anyone to see his chest at all. Howard asked him about his girlfriend and what happened there. Gilbert said he's back together with him right now even though she told Howard that they'd broken up a while back. Gilbert can't give a serious answer when he's asked about that stuff so they couldn't find out exactly what went on.
Howard said they gave Gilbert a password to get on the bulletin board but he doesn't know how to make all of that work so he asked them to post his upcoming comedy show for him. Howard said they told him ''no'' and he'd have to do it himself.
Richard Christy made a prank call to Eric the Midget as Dick Buffman, a wrestling promoter. He told Eric they had an idea for him to play the part of ''The Bat'' where his partner would pick him up and throw him at their opponent. Eric would then have to bite his opponent. He also said they may drop him from the rafters with working bat wings at wrestling events. Richard breaks down and tells Eric who he is and Eric didn't sound so thrilled that they were goofing on him again.
Gilbert thought that stuff was pretty funny and goofed on Eric even more. Artie thought ''The Bat'' idea was a good one and he'd like to see that actually happen. Howard replayed Eric's voice mail that he'd played a few minutes earlier. The guys had a little more fun with that before Howard had Robin start her news.
After hearing the horrible story Howard was going to give the guy a $500 prize courtesy of ''Kill Bill Vol. 2.'' nig*erWhat said that he is willing to kill himself on air to protest the FCC if Howard wanted. Howard told him that's not something he'd want to happen and it's not worth it to kill himself over the FCC. nig*erWhat suggested that they give Michael Powell a deadline to appear on the show and if he doesn't show up, he will kill himself. The guy says that he's 86 years old and doesn't have much longer to live anyway. Howard said he would like to meet nig*erWhat so he put him on hold so they could schedule him to come in.
Robin finally got to her news and started off with a story about a family that killed and ate a family member at a wedding in the Philippines. She said the story came from CNN so it must have been true. She also talked about the Mike Wallace story they had discussed earlier in the show. Gilbert was interrupting Robin constantly making jokes about every story she brought up. nig*erWhat's name came up in just about every story that she mentioned. That got Artie rolling as well so the two of them were cracking jokes constantly.
Howard took some phone calls during the news to try and calm the two of them down but it didn't work. That just motivated them even more to keep doing their bits. A woman called in and said she tunes in to hear Robin read her news every day but she can't hear it because Gilbert won't shut up. Howard kept asking them to calm down. They eventually calmed down a little bit but Gilbert just couldn't stop laughing. Robin brought up the Kobe Bryant case and Gilbert just sat there wheezing from laughing so much.
One story was about Vanessa Williams getting divorced from Rick Fox. That led to Tom Chiusano coming in and talking about how he rode the elevator with her recently. He said she really is beautiful but she does have bad skin. Howard said he heard that she listens to the show and is a fan. Gilbert couldn't get over the nig*erWhat thing but Howard told him it was enough already because even he was sick of it. Gilbert calmed down a bit after that and let Robin finish up her news with a little less interruption.
Howard said they had a terrible catastrophe this morning. He was wearing a velour shirt and the air conditioning isn't working in the building. Artie said he was wearing a heavy shirt today as well and there's no cool air in there. He's really aggravated because of it. They're having trouble getting in touch with the chief engineer there at the station but Howard wasn't eve sure why they need to get in touch with him. Tom Chiusano wasn't around either for some reason. Robin said they should get the day off when they have something like that.
Scott the Engineer came in and said that they haven't been able to get in touch with the 24 hour air conditioning service. Howard suggested that they just call the most local air conditioning company to come down and try to get it fixed. He said he'd go to Pam Anderson's hotel room if she was still in town.
The NY Daily News has a picture of him walking down the street with Bet that's kind of creepy because he didn't see the photographer that day. He said it wasn't a big deal to him in the past but now it's starting to get to him. Artie said he had a problem one time when a photographer shot a picture of him and David Spade out on the street. He wondered how he deals with stuff like that. Howard said that knowing David, he might have hired that guy to take his picture. He said he hires guys to do that to pick up chicks. Robin read the caption under Howard's picture and said that they were just going to the supermarket. He and Beth were actually just going to get a salad. The guys talked about how creepy it is that people do that for a living. Howard said it is kind of great when you see pictures in the National Enquirer of celebrities with cellulite and a big circle around those areas.
A listener called in and said that he's an HVAC engineer and he might be able to come over and check the air conditioning for them. Howard told him to come over as soon as possible but the guy said there may be some union rules that would keep him from doing anything. Howard told the guy that the cameras and lights in the studio are really hot and the ceiling is too low so that doesn't help things out. Howard put the guy on hold and set him up so he could come over.
Howard read an article about some comments Bill Maher made about President Bush in the NY Daily News. He said that Bush didn't just waste 7 minutes reading a book to kids at a school while planes were being crashed into the World Trade Center and the pentagon. He spent an additional 20 minutes at a photo session after the book reading. Maher pointed out that Bush should have been talking that stuff over with his people instead of sitting there in front of the classroom talking to kids. Scott DePace came in and told Howard he doesn't think Bush could have done anything different at the time. DePace is a huge Bush supporter and he said they need to hear their arguments as well as Maher's opinion. Robin said that there was total chaos at the time and the Bush administration didn't know what to do.
A woman called in and thought the guy who called in earlier sounded kind of suspicious when he called in to work on their air conditioning. She thought that he might be carrying a bomb or something and warned Howard about it. Howard said they have plenty of security there and no one like that is going to get in there.
Another phone caller said that Jolene Blalock is in Stuff magazine and she mentioned Howard's name. Artie saw the magazine and it stopped him in his tracks as he was walking by the newsstand. He said the picture on the cover is really good. That led to the caller asking Howard why he isn't banging more hot chicks out there. He could do it if he wanted to. Howard said that he's not into doing that stuff anymore and he's too freaked out by germs to be banging a bunch of women. He kind of likes the whole monogamy thing and he likes having someone there with him. He said that he thought he was a loner but he has discovered that he needs someone there with him. Robin said that he really likes to know that he's loved. She said ''worshiped'' is too strong a word for that but it's almost like that.
Howard talked about a chick out in Las Vegas who wanted to hook up with him but he's really into Beth now and he doesn't want to screw that up. It was tough to turn down but he had to do it. He said Beth gets hit on all the time when she's walking around but she stays with him as well. Artie told Howard that when he heard about Howard's divorce, he and a friend tried to figure out how many chicks he'd banged at that point. Howard said the only person who saw his feeding frenzy was his buddy Ralph. Ralph actually had to tell him to calm down a little bit with that stuff but he was trying not to be alone. Howard talked about how hot the first, and even the second time having sex is the best feeling on this planet. He said it's so exciting that you just ''explode'' after barely touching the other person. The phone caller asked Howard if he was ever afraid that Mike Tyson was going to break through the door when he was dating Robin Givens. Howard said he knows nothing about that because he just dated her and never had sex with her.
Howard watched ''60 Mintues'' last night and they had a guy on the show who had come up with a way to figure out if an embryo would be exposed to certain illness and we don't know that guy's name. He said we know names like Leonardo DiCaprio instead of that doctor's name. Howard and the guys talked about that for a short time before the first commercial break.
Howard read an article about some republican TV ads that have aired about John Kerry. They claim that he's no war hero but the article he had says that the people claiming that Kerry was no hero didn't know Kerry and didn't serve with Kerry when he served. He said that the whole thing is ridiculous and George Bush is the last person who should assassinate anyone's character. Howard claims that he's been contacted by some people in the republican party and has been asked what they can do to make things better. Howard suggested that they first fire Michael Powell from the FCC. He also said that they could let him interview George Bush on his show to hear his answers. He doesn't think that he'd ever show up though.
Howard said that he was offered the chance to see a sneak preview of ''Alien vs. Predator'' and he jumped at the chance to see it. A short time later he was told that they didn't have the print in New York City and canceled it. He knows that it's there though and they haven't called him back to see the movie. Richie from E! came in and told Howard that he thinks the movie is so bad that they didn't want Howard to see it. He read a couple of reviews about the movie and they were all bad. Howard said he would keep his mouth shut if the movie sucked. That's what he usually does. Howard and the guys talked about the director who has done a couple of bad movies in the past. He said that he would come in to promote the movie but he never scheduled to come in. Howard said that's too bad because he was looking forward to seeing the movie. The guys had to take another commercial break after that discussion.
Howard said that their friend Dominic Barbara is representing Lindsay Lohan's father in a court case. He's charged with attacking someone at a first communion party. The guy ended up having a heart attack while he was in court. Howard read through the story and said there was a lot of other weird crap in the paper today. He was at his dentist's office yesterday looking out the window while his teeth were being cleaned. The sky just turned black and started to storm. He read a story about a couple that were driving in the city when it rained and their car got flooded. The water pulled her under, in the middle of a Queens street, and got electrocuted by a downed wire. Her boyfriend got out to help her and ended up getting electrocuted as well. There was a truck driver warning them not to get out of the car but they didn't listen and got killed. Howard said it was devastating to their families. The whole storm was pretty freaky according to Robin. She told another story about a couple of kids who were struck by lighting during the storm as well. They survived though.
Howard played a prank call that they made using clips of Richard Simmons' voice from his book on tape. They called a Chinese food restaurant and had him asking for all kinds of food that they don't even have there. They called the place about 5 times and just pissed off the woman answering the phone.
Chris said that he's going to go see Van Halen again. Artie said when the guy is a fan of someone's, he really gets into them. He's a huge fan of Norm MacDonald's and has seen him about 5 times. That's a lot of times to see a comedian.
Kidd Chris talked about how the Program Director at Howard's station wants to hire him to work there. Kidd Chris said he's not sure he wants to just play records though. Howard told him to just talk to them about it and see what they'll pay him. Howard wondered what he's getting paid now. He guessed that he was making about $150,000. Chris said that's pretty close to what he's making. Chris works in San Antonio right now and he's making good money and has a nice apartment. If he came to New York he'd have to get some tiny apartment for $4000 a month.
Howard told Chris to come back and at least interview for the job. The Program Director, Rob Cross, is a nice guy according to Howard. He said that most of them are nice to him when they work with him.
A listener called in and brought up Eddie Van Halen and the cancer he had. The caller said that he heard that Eddie had part of his tongue removed so that's why he talks funny. Howard said when he talks to him, he sounds pretty normal though. The caller said he saw the band when they were in his area and he wasn't into the drum solo and stuff like that. Howard ended up cutting the guy off and got back to Kidd Chris. He said he wouldn't mind having Chris there at the station because he's a good guy. Artie jokingly said that he was pitching an idea to the station to have an afternoon show called ''The Artie Party.'' This will put an end to that if Kidd gets the job. Howard let Chris go after that.
A caller asked Howard if he had heard that Jenna Jameson is going to quit porn. Howard said they talked about that yesterday and it's a real shame because she makes some good movies. He said that her movie ''The Masseuse'' was a great one for him. He seems to believe that she'll be back to doing her thing in no time, even if she does get pregnant and has a kid.
Playboy magazine has a layout of a bunch of Olympic chicks. He said that muscular chicks don't look all that great but the one on the cover is hot. He said that her name is Amy Acuff and it should be Amy A-cup instead. He likes the toned body look but there's something non-sexual about some of them. Howard also pointed out that he's listed on an ''Outlaws of Comedy'' list at number 3. The list was good until he read that Imus was on it. That made the list bogus.
A listener called in and told Howard that the radio team of Snake and the Bruiser, KC and Steve the Engineer (AKA Wood Yi) would be a great addition to the afternoon shift at his station. Howard tried to get the guys to pull that bit for him but Gary was having trouble finding it. KC was out and he's the one who keeps that stuff organized. He had to go check KC's desk for the bit so it took him a minute to find it. Gary finally brought in one of the bits so Howard played it. Snake and The Bruiser spoke to a woman who had a book about ghosts. Bruiser keeps asking the woman sex questions and gets her pissed off at him. Howard wanted to plug the woman's book but he didn't have her plug available.
Howard went off on Gary after that because he was at the Jets training camp with Will instead of getting in on this conference call he had yesterday. Howard thought Gary had something important to do, meanwhile he was just at the training camp getting autographs with Will. Gary said that he got an autograph for his son. Howard asked him what his kid is going to do with that. Gary said that it's something that his kid likes and just because Howard doesn't like it doesn't mean that his kid can't like it.
Howard cut off Gary and Will and moved on to Tracy Richman who was on the show a while back. Howard had forgotten all about her and didn't remember her at all. She had a story about going to the Playboy Mansion for a party and went to Bill Maher's house for his party as well. Tracy said that she had to send in a picture to the Playboy people to get an invitation. Howard knew about that but it's every guy's dream to be able to throw a party like that. Tracy got an invitation but was told she couldn't bring anyone with her. The guys at the party were 45 and up and the girls were all bussed in to the party. Tracy said she's 43 years old so Artie wondered why she was complaining about the guys being 45 and up. Tracy said that no one there was talking to anyone else and it was just a strange scene.
Howard said that she was there to hook up with a dude but she said that's not why she went. She claims that she was there for the entertainment. Howard seemed to think that she was full of it.
Chaunce Hayden was on the phone to talk about a story he wrote about the mansion. He quickly went over the rules for Hugh Hefner's girlfriends. He claims that Hef keeps gay porn in his room running all the time for some reason. Chaunce says that he has interviewed three chicks now and they've all said the same thing about the gay porn. Chaunce told some other odd stuff about Hefner and how he has 12 girls servicing him in his room at the same time and they take turns doing their thing to him. They each take 2 minute shifts to work on him.
Howard was looking at a picture of Tracy and she didn't look half bad to him. Tracy said that she has gotten her own TV show because of the interview Howard did with her. She said that he changed her life and the whole interview was amazing for her. Artie said it sounds like they've ruined television if she's gotten a show.
Tracy told Howard about going to Bill Maher's house for a party. She got some pictures of Tabitha Stevens on Bill's stripper pole. Will told Howard that she claims she broke up with Bill because ''he was too big.'' Artie told Howard to just hang up on her at this point. Tracy went on to give Howard a quick rundown of the guests that were at the party. The guys didn't seem all that interested in the story though. Howard bailed out on the call a short time later. Tracy didn't want to stop talking though. She just kept dropping names and telling more and more stories. You can find out more about Tracy at HelpYouDate.com
John told Howard he went out one night to try and pick up chicks and got struck down as usual. A girl recognized him at the club and she was actually quite nice to him. He said she told him she had a boyfriend. Her boyfriend saw her talking to him so he came over and told her to get away from him because he was a loser. John tried to diffuse the situation and asked the guy why he was starting up with him. He didn't want any trouble. This is how the fight all came about. People were watching and John didn't want to seem like a pussy so the two of them got in each other's faces. The other guy grabbed his neck and.. well, John never finishes a sentence. After they argued with each other John hooked up with this friend of his who suggested that they get in the ring together.
The other guy, Brian Scosha, was on the phone to talk about this. Brian says that John spilled a drink on him and then started to talk to his girlfriend. John says that the girl wasn't his girlfriend so Brian said she was right next to him. Howard told him to put her on the phone so he said he wasn't going to wake her up. She wasn't there. Howard doesn't understand why John is doing this for only $300. He doesn't know how to box. He's been training himself how to box. Doug Goodstein from E! came in with some boxing pads and told Howard they put Yucko the Clown's face on them to enrage him even more.
Howard had John show them what he could do. He was still wearing his glasses when he was doing it so Artie called him ''Rocky Nerd.'' John was throwing punches and was out of breath after about a minute. Howard tried to talk to him but he was so out of breath that he couldn't talk. Howard told him to say his name but he was breathing so heavy that he was unable to talk.
John finally caught his breath and said that he will fight this guy and if he feels that he's getting too worn out, he'll back out of it. John was still breathing heavy as he tried to explain what was going to happen. He said if he feels he can't handle it, he's going to back out of it. Howard wanted to meet the boxing promotor, Damon. Damon came in and said that they will pay John more than $300 if he can pack the house. Howard told him that he can't box and he wants the fight called off. Howard said that he would give John $500 to call off the fight.
Gary thought that there was something wrong with John because he was sitting there and staring out into space. John told them he was fine though. He told Howard that he's been called a ''stuttering retard'' for years and he has to fight back. The guy grabbed him by the neck and he's pissed about that. Howard told Damon that if John gets punched once he's going to go down. He wore himself down just punching some boxing pads.
Howard wondered if he was ready to announce the end of the fight. John thought about it for a minute and then said he feels obligated to do it. He wasn't sure what to do so Howard told him that he should leave the country instead. Gary asked John if he's ever been hit in the face. He said he has been when he was a kid so Howard told Brian that he should call off the fight. Damon wanted the fight to go on tomorrow night. The guy was obviously out of shape because he was worn out after throwing a few punches in the studio. Howard told Brian that John could beat him if he wanted but he wasn't going to do it. He was trying to let the guy bow out gracefully. He told John to just go to a gym and spar for a couple of rounds just to see what it would be like.
Damon asked Howard what it would take to get him in the ring. Howard told him he'd need $50 million. Damon told him that he could put together something and get him $10 million. He claims that he's the next big promotor and he'll be as big as Don King one day. Gary said that Howard has a microphone that reaches millions, meanwhile Damon has a telephone.
John the Stutterer was starting to realize that he can't fight but he still didn't seem to want to back out of the fight. Howard gave John $500 and gave Damon a prize of a trip to Las Vegas for two people. He also gave another $500 to Brian so they won't do the fight. Damon got in some plugs for the fight he has coming up at Deko nightclub tomorrow night. They have some other guys in the fight and he'd like John to at least make an appearance there. He said that John and Brian can shake hands and call off the fight.
Howard took some phone calls after that and Ralph was the first one to call in. He wondered why Howard was going to let this guy Damon take advantage of John by only paying him $300. Damon said that John wanted to do this whole thing and he was doing it for him. Dan the Song Parody Man called in and said he was glad they called off the fight as well. He said that John gets winded just trying to talk. Another caller pointed out that when John was winded, he didn't stutter. Howard didn't think he was looking too good while they were talking to him.
Yucko the Clown called in and got John all pissed off again. Forget about being winded, he started yelling at him and threatened to fight him as well. He was calling Yucko's girlfriend a slut and yelled at him constantly as if he wasn't winded at all. He told Yucko to stop hiding behind his make-up. Howard hung up on Yucko so John would calm down a bit. A few more callers got through to talk about this fight. Mariann from Brooklyn was yelling at Damon for picking on poor John. She said that she would fight him with her tongue if he wanted. Howard had to hang up on her as well so he could go to commercial break. John still wasn't looking right so Howard asked him if he wanted to lay down on the couch. John said that he might want to do that.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that Damon is not licensed in New York to promote fights so what he was doing was illegal. Damon says that he's licensed in Pennsylvania and Delaware. Howard bailed out on Dominic's phone call and said that he was caught up in a world that he didn't want to be in. He went to commercial break right after that.
Howard gave Jason a plug for the funny article he wrote about what goes on during the commercial breaks on the show. He writes about how Fred is constantly asking Luis how much time is left for them before the commercial break is up. Jason also pointed out how Fred mumbles to Howard as he's reading the live commercials. Fred takes pee breaks during each commercial break as well so Howard wondered what that was all about. Fred says that he really does pee when he goes to the bathroom. He sounded like he wasn't too thrilled with Jason's article and said that the battle lines have been drawn.
Howard wondered why they have Luis the board op running commercials if Fred is going to constantly ask him how much longer he has. Jason came in and said he didn't originally plan to make Fred the focus of the article but it just kept getting bigger and bigger. Fred called Jason ''tubby'' and went off him for pointing all of that stuff out. Fred defended himself and said that Howard seems to ignore him when he tells him about the time he has left. Gary also added some quick stories about what goes on during the break. Jason wanted to get a microphone hooked up there in the studio so they could record Fred's mumblings during the break but Richie Herbie wouldn't do it. Fred asked Jason when he became a dick.
Luis the board op said that Jason is in the studio every break kissing everyone's ass. He wondered who is going to write that article. Fred said he'll write that one. Howard said he has to go read Jason's article again because he thought it was pretty funny. Fred told Howard that he's going to take some notes and write some stuff. Doug from E! came in and said that Jason really is a kiss ass but Howard doesn't see that. He thinks that Jason just works hard and he's motivated. A few other people came in and backed that up. Scott DePace came in and said that he can't stand Jason's political views. Scott said that Jason was barking out orders at a meeting they had out in Las Vegas and people who have been there much longer than him were kind of upset that he was yelling at them. Howard said that he likes that and is going to promote him. Howard told Scott that Jason is now the boss of Scott and Doug.
Gary said that he has a story about why Jason has become more assertive. He said Jason came to him a few months ago and said that he started to take a drug that was subscribed for him. Jason said that he started to take anti-depressants and it stripped away the fears he had and that's why he became more assertive. Howard told him to take double the amount if that's the case. Doug said that Jason is always boasting about being one of the guys behind the scenes while no one else does that. He thinks that Jason didn't get a lot of attention as a kid and this is his way to get it. At one point Doug and Jason were arguing and Doug called him a ''big fat Jew slob'' or something like that. The two of them went at each other for a few seconds. Jason was claiming that Doug has managed a bunch of guests who have been on the show. Doug says that the only person he managed was Hank the Dwarf. He's hooked other people up trying to help them out. Ralph called in and said he's heard the same thing about Doug. He told the guys that Jason likes to laugh and the guys are making fun of him for kissing ass when he's just a fun guy.
Doug said that Ralph is the biggest one who tries to angle his way into guest's lives. He managed to hook up with Pam Anderson and other guests over the years. People were jumping on each other about different things. Artie said that he was keeping his mouth shut about the whole thing because he didn't want to get yelled at like everyone else.
Howard was saying that he wrote some nice stuff about Ralph on his bulletin board. He was saying that he's got some talent as far as make up and stuff goes and he did a good job when he worked on the Channel 9 show years ago. Gary pointed out that Howard used to complain about Ralph back then though. Howard didn't seem to remember that. Ralph threw in a quick question about the daily stuff on his web site and why they don't archive it. Howard said they're working on that. Right now they have people helping out for free and they're working things out.
Chaunce Hayden called in and asked Jason what he's taking. He told him about the drug he's on and he was told that he's going to gain a lot of weight taking that drug. Jason said that he had lost some weight back in the spring and he has gained it all back since then. Chaunce brought up Stuttering John during that conversation and the guys talked about him leaving the show. Howard said he was sad when John left. Gary said that the office runs much smoother now that John is gone though so that's the one good thing. He said he does miss John's voice on the air though.
There are more people on the show who wanted to talk about Jason's odd behavior there at the station. Will came in and told Howard about the apology letter Jason wrote to him about saying goodbye to him the wrong way. Howard told Will that Jason is just working hard there and it wasn't an apology letter he got. Will also said that Jason is lazy at home and only works hard there at the station. Jason said he works hard there at work and just wants to relax at home and watch TV.
Tom Chiusano came in and said that Jason does kind of have an odd way of approaching things there at the station. Tom said that Jason was trying to be annoying kind of like Stuttering John used to do and it just wasn't funny. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said that you always know when Jason thinks he did something really good because he has a special walk he does when he comes out of the office. He demonstrated it for them there in the studio. Howard likes the fact that Jason lives for his praise. He seems to believe that's the way it should be.
Scott the Engineer came in and asked why Jason gets so much credit on the web site for stuff. Scott was complaining that he just throws everything in people's faces that he does all of this stuff. Howard and Gary don't believe that it's a problem because he's working hard. Howard said that anyone on the show can write an article and submit it to them to post if they want. They'll get just as much credit as Jason would.
Double A called in and told Howard that Will is doing a great job answering the phones. He said that he doesn't have to hear nonsense from John when he calls in anymore. The guys said that's because Will isn't trying to do a radio show on the phones like John was. Doug and Scott talked about how creepy it was that Gary and Jason were out in the hall after they came up with the ''BANGO'' name for the game they played out in Las Vegas. Gary and Jason didn't remember that happening though. Howard told everyone to go over to his web site and read the article that Jason wrote. It was just part 1 of the article and there's another one coming. They had to take a break because it was getting so late.
Howard asked Janie who she's going to vote for. She told him it sure won't be Bush. She left a short time later after telling Howard to say hello to his kids for her. Howard had to call her back in when they started talking about how her husband was killed. While they waited for her to come back in Howard was talking about Toys R Us and how they're not doing very well financially. Janie came back in and said that she goes to Wal-Mart to shop for toys and stuff.
Howard asked Janie about her first husband who was a lumberjack. He got hit by a tree after someone forgot to yell ''Timber!'' Janie said he died instantly and he's been gone for 40 years now. Howard said if he was a lumberjack, he'd learn which way the tree was going to fall. He wasn't the one cutting the tree though, it was someone else who cut it down and he didn't know it was coming down. Janie is now married to a white guy and has been married to him for 27 years. She says that there is no black and white in her life though. She says that there are just ''people'' out there. Howard let Janie go and then remembered the most important thing about his web site. They posted a few pictures from the Pam Anderson hotel room that they took last week.
Robin's nephew Anthony was there at the station and he's a really smart kid so he asked him to throw some questions at him. Her nephew asked Howard what the mass of an electron was. Howard had no clue, neither did Fred. Howard asked him about going to college and what he got on his SATs. Anthony is going to MIT and he got a 1220 score on his SATs. He wants to become an aerospace engineer. Howard told him that he should read his aunt's book (Quivers: A Life). Robin told him that it was all made up and he doesn't need to read it. Howard and the guys brought up some of the things that she's done over the years but didn't give him the full details.
Howard told Anthony that he needs to invent invisibility. He also said that if he invented a way to make the human penis bigger, he'd be rich. Anthony will be working on rockets and stuff like that but Howard told him he's been in a hotel room with a naked Pam Anderson. That's a big accomplishment as far as he's concerned. Howard asked Anthony if he wanted to go to Scores with him but Robin said ''NO!'' to that. She doesn't want him to be exposed to that. Howard told him to remember that ''E=M C-CUP.''
A listener called in and brought up the pictures of Pam that are on his web site. They checked those out for a few seconds and then got back to Robin and Anthony. Robin already has plans for them this weekend and doesn't want him to go to Scores. Gary was going over there this weekend and said he'd be happy to bring him there for 4 hours. Robin is very proud of him and just doesn't seem to want him exposed to that stuff. She bragged that she cooked for him last night and she's going to try and grill this weekend. Howard had Robin start her news after that.
Howard went on to talk about his dinner out with Ozzy last weekend. He spoke about it on Monday and went over the same stuff again this morning... Here's what I wrote on Monday: Howard said that Ozzy has some kind of problem where he has to go to the bathroom constantly. Howard said he went about 11 times in 7 minutes. Howard explained that at the restaurant they were at they have white noise going in the bathroom. They do that so people don't hear what other people are doing in the bathroom. Howard said Ozzy came back from the bathroom one time and asked Sharon what ocean they were near. Howard said Ozzy thought that he was hearing the ocean while he was in the bathroom. He said he tried to look out the window in the bathroom to see where the ocean was. It was just the white noise though. Howard said Ozzy made him laugh quite a bit at dinner.
Ozzy offered to pay the bill for dinner but when Sharon got up to go pay the waitress she told her that Howard wouldn't hear of it. For some reason she wouldn't let Sharon pay the bill even though Howard never told her to do that. Howard said it was his worst nightmare. Someone finally decided to pay the bill for him and the people at the restaurant decided to deny it. Howard said he thinks it was the owner, Richie, who wouldn't take it. He said he doesn't mind paying but it pissed him off anyway.
Howard spoke to the kids and asked them if their lives have changed since the TV show took off. They don't think they've changed that much but more people have tried to become their friends.
Howard said that the show is very revealing because they catch so much on video. He talked about seeing Ozzy doing his Leno appearance and how Sharon dresses him when they go out. Sharon said that Ozzy doesn't have very good dress sense. She said he once dressed himself when he came to pick her up at the hairdresser one day. He was wearing one of Sharon's nighties that he'd just pulled out of the closet. The hairdresser said he looked like Boy George that day.
Ozzy said that he has to wear black because stuff would get spilled on anything lighter. He used a white suit as an example and his son Jack made a smart assed comment about a white suit being like a drug dealer suit. Ozzy then said ''Listen dickhead...'' and argued with him a little bit about being such a smart ass. Jack said that he was quitting being Ozzy's son but Ozzy told him that he can't do that.
Ozzy's daughter Kelli told Howard about how she caught her parents having sex one time and it has scarred her for life. She said she walked in to say goodbye one morning and caught them. She said they told her they were just hugging though.
Howard spent a little time talking to the Osbourne's about their money and how Ozzy doesn't handle the money. Sharon takes care of all of that and he gets upset when they spend a lot of money on useless stuff.
The family also asked Howard about what a 5.0 rating means since they don't really understand that stuff. Howard told them that a 5.0 on cable TV is huge. He said when a show on cable gets close to a 1.0 it's a hit so a 5.0 is huge.
While talking to Jack about what he's been up to the fact that he smokes pot came up. His parents have caught him doing it but they really haven't done all that much about it. He says that he's not addicted and he can quit at any time. Howard asked Ozzy and Sharon if they have a problem with that. They said they don't like him doing it. Ozzy then said he'd rather have his son smoking pot rather than cigarettes. He said that cigarettes were the most addictive thing he ever put in his body. Howard went on to say that if he ever caught his kids smoking pot he'd have a big problem. He said he'd cut them off financially if he were Ozzy.
Ozzy said that he's not sure if they're going to do another season of ''The Osbournes'' (which airs Tuesday nights at 10:30pm on MTV) but it's possible. Howard thinks that they should as for a lot of money to do another season because the show is so big.
You can find out about the Ozzfest 2002 tour and other stuff about Ozzy at Ozzy.com. They're making a big announcement about the Ozzfest tour at the WWF restaurant in New York City today.
Howard talked about how he found out about Uzo when he read an article about her arrest in the paper. Uzo made sure to tell Howard that she was never a prostitute herself. Howard said she did offer to give this guy from IBM oral if he gave her two computers one time. She denied that story though and said that would be prostitution.
Uzo went on to talk about how she got into this escort service thing because she was on the web and had the idea to start it. Howard interrupted her and said she still looks hot after all of these years.
Uzo got back to her explanation and said she had set up this web site for guys to hook up with famous models for ridiculous amounts of money. She said that some of the women got as much as $300,000 for a date with these guys who wanted to hook up with them. Uzo said she took 60 percent of the money that came in for setting up the deals.
Howard asked Uzo if she'd be willing to fight Heidi Fleiss at the big Cabbie vs. Stuttering John fight. Uzo called Heidi some names and said that she wouldn't fight her.
Uzo told Howard how the cops busted her one morning while she was still in her night gown. She said they let her change into normal clothes and took her into book her. They apparently asked her to turn in the ''big gun'' of her business but she was the one running it. She said she spent some time in Riker's Island waiting to find out what she'd be prosecuted for but they ended up letting her off.
Uzo says she has been a millionaire since the age of 22 and she now lives in an exclusive section of Palm Beach in a beautiful apartment. You can see pictures of where she lives on her web site Uzo.com.
Uzo said she has her own album coming out this year and she won't be going back into the escort business. The album was supposed to come out a couple of years ago but she was in trouble at the time so she put it off. Howard wanted to hear the album but she hasn't released it yet. She said she'd like to come back and promote it when it's released.
Several times Uzo said that she never robbed or embezzled from anyone so she did nothing wrong. She said she was the best at what she did.
Howard just wanted to see her ass so he asked her to show it to him. She did that and Howard wrapped it up shortly after taking a bunch of phone calls for Uzo. A guy claiming to be a detective said that Uzo doesn't make all of this money she claims to make. He said when they arrested her she only had $188 in her checking account. Uzo said she didn't know who the guy was and it doesn't matter what he says. Howard said the clothes she wears and the way she lives sure make it seem that she's making some kind of money.
Howard said the FCC has won in this fight about censorship because they have someone sitting there ready to hit the delay button if Howard says something that might be considered offensive.
Howard spent a few minutes talking to Andre about this stuff and then moved on to the game. Howard told Andre that he didn't hate him, he hated what he did as a job.
Playing the game were Howard, Gary, Robin, Fred, Artie, KC and Stuttering John.Most of the people who the guys are playing for were in the studio. Here's how they're matched up...:
When they came back from the commercial break they had eliminated KC. They went on and quickly played the rest of the rounds. Artie was eliminated in the second round, John in the next, Robin in the next, Howard in the next. It came down to the final round between Gary and Fred. Gary had answered every one of his questions correctly up to this point. Fred had missed a bunch but managed to make it through the rounds. Gary finally missed one question in the final round but Fred missed 2 so Gary was the winner. He won the 2002 Dodge Durango for Mike. A woman from Yonkers Avenue Dodge came in and presented the vehicle to Mike. Howard said she was pretty hot and asked if there were more hot women working at Yonkers Avenue Dodge. Gary has been there and he said there are some other hot women there.
Howard took some phone calls about the game but ended up getting sidetracked when a caller brought up the Stuttering John/Crazy Cabbie fight. Howard spent a short time on that and got back to the game. There were complaints about the game and most of them were about the way Vinnie hosted the game. There were people that said he was very unprofessional in the way he hosted. He was stumped after the first round about who the ''Weakest Dinks'' were and there was a lot of confusion there. Howard wrapped up the game after the calls.