Luis took more calls after that and one woman asked Artie to wish her boyfriend a happy birthday. Artie said he wouldn't do that because it was goofy. He told Luis to take a different call. They went through a bunch of calls but Artie was sounding kind of irritated by it all. They had a problem with one caller they had to hit the delay on. Every time Luis would take a call Artie would say ''Who is this?'' and then he'd spend a couple of minutes trying to figure out who he was talking to and if he knew them or not. One guy was asking him to send him a plane ticket so he could fly out there to Vegas. Artie had to ask Luis to take other phone calls so he could get past those calls.
Some guys were giving Artie some baseball tips but he sounded like he was extremely annoyed by all of that stuff. One guy asked him if he had banged any whores out there yet. Most of the people who called in claimed that they had hung out with Artie at one time or another. There was also another guy who told him about something he'd seen on a local network TV show that should be fined by the FCC. Artie told him to make a complaint with the FCC but that's all he could tell him because he was so drunk.
Bobo called in and asked Artie what strip clubs he was going to tonight. Artie is going to be at the Spearmint Rhino tonight. Artie spent a couple of minutes with him and then wrapped things up. Artie had already dropped $7,000 at the blackjack tables out there and he was going to head down with Dan the Song Parody Man and Joey Boots to blow some more money when he got off the line with Luis. Artie will be back in Vegas on July 24th doing stand up at the Hard Rock's ''The Joint'' so he got in a plug for that before he got off the phone.
She was also on a TV show called ''Jack and Jill'' but that's done with now. She said she's got a development deal with ABC and she's hoping to come up with a new TV show soon. Howard gave her some advice about what she should do on her new show. He told her that, first of all, she has to dress hot on the show. She's a hot chick so she has to dress hot. She wasn't dressed all that hot today according to Howard.
Howard spent a short time talking about the Steven Seagal story that Jaime told the last time she was on the show. They went over that and Jaime said her lawyer called her after that show and asked her not to talk badly about Seagal again because his lawyer called and complained. Jaime said if he doesn't want her talking about him then he shouldn't do what he was doing to her... He allegedly felt her up.
Howard also spoke to Jaime about her now ex-boyfriend Simon Rex. Jaime said he left her on her birthday. She told Howard the story about how they hooked up and ended up making out at the Emmy Awards. She said they used their hands on each other but that was it. Artie Lange said she must be really good in bed because she was really hot in one of the ''Poison Ivy'' movies. That led to Howard discussing movie set sex scenes for a couple of minutes.
Jaime said she wasn't going to say anything bad about her ex-boyfriend. She said he was her best friend and sometimes things just don't work out. She told Howard that even when she's with a guy other guys will come up to her and ask for her number. Even if she's sitting on her boyfriend's lap.
Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about the director of ''Not Another Teen Movie'' Joel Gallen. He and Jaime talked about what a great guy he is and how talented he is.
Howard asked Jaime if she ever does any lesbian stuff. She said she's not into that and she doesn't even like to kiss her female friends in a friendly way. Howard also asked her about using a vibrator. She said she's had one used on her but she doesn't use it on herself.
Howard took some phone calls for Jaime and then wrapped up the interview. When Howard announced that P.O.D. was going to be performing live Jaime got excited so Howard invited her to stick around.
At one point in the interview Jaime made a comment about how Howard ''got slapped a yarmulke'' or something to that effect. Howard and the guys kept bringing that offensive statement up over and over again through the rest of the show and Jaime was upset about that. Later in the show Howard played tape of Mike Gange interviewing her when she was leaving and she seemed a little upset about them goofing on her. She apologized to Howard for the statement but she didn't seem to realize it was offensive. Howard found that kind of odd. She did say that she has nothing against Jewish people after making that comment. Howard said he can't wait to hear her explanation of that comment on other shows.
Howard said that Elliott has a daughter that contacted the show and wanted to be reunited with him. Elliott turned down the offer for some reason.
A phone caller said that Elliott used to use an alias of Jack Gordon when he lived in Miami. The guy also said that he stole stuff from people and didn't pay for stuff. Gary said that when he spoke to Elliott he said that there were parts of his life that he didn't want to get into he's led a less than perfect life. Elliott said he never said such a thing but Gary threatened to get the tape of their conversation. Elliott kept changing the subject and yelling about how Howard is putting him on the show.
Elliott showed Howard two checks for $10,000 each. After a lot of hassle he finally told Howard that he was going to offer up one of them as a ''security bond'' for anyone who can prove that they've had a gay experience with him. He said he's willing to put it up because he knows that he's never done anything like that.
A woman claiming to be Elliott's daughter Karen called in. She said that she hasn't seen her pathological lying father in about 15 years. Elliott said that it's not his daughter because he hasn't seen her in 23 years, not 15. He also said that he was told that his daughter was dead. She swears that it's him though. The two of them called each other names for a few minutes and Howard offered to have both of them come on the show tomorrow to reunite. Elliott was willing to come in tomorrow but Karen said that she probably couldn't make it. Howard wanted her to bring her birth certificate with her so she could prove her claims. It may or may not happen on the show tomorrow.
Howard finally had to wrap up the segment so he could get to the news. He said that you can get 3 autographed photos of Elliott by sending $5 to...
Elegant Elliott Offen
7243 Austin St.
Forest Hills, NY 11375
You can also get his manuscript, which has sold about 1600 copies, by sending $10 plus $3 shipping to the same address. Howard finally ended the segment when a caller said they were ready to commit suicide if they heard any more of Elliott.
David said that he and George Steinbrenner went out to lunch one time and Steinbrenner told him he wanted him back on the team. He said that he's kept a good relationship with George even after he was traded away.
Howard ended up back on the superhero subject after Artie mentioned something about the Superman conversation they had earlier in the morning. They talked about that for a few minutes and then moved on to other stuff.
David talked about his ex-wife and how his pre-nuptial actually held up in court when she challenged it. David said that when ''they'' don't get what they want, they get angrier. Attorney Dominic Barbara called in and said that the sure fire way to make sure a spouse can't challenge a pre-nup is to video tape the signing. That way they show that the woman wasn't under duress when she signed it. David said that's what his ex-wife did to him. She said she was under duress and challenged the pre-nup.
Howard took a few phone calls for David before wrapping up the interview. The calls seemed split about David coming back to the Yankees. Some people were unhappy about it and a few people were happy. One guy from the Boston area called in and said he's glad Wells is back on the team because now the Red Sox will have a chance against the Yanks because David is an old man. Howard wished David luck after the calls and ended the segment.
Scott Weiland was telling Howard how a lot of their fans don't know that they have this new album Shangri-La Dee Da out right now. He said for some reason there must have been a breakdown at the record company and they didn't do enough publicity for the album. He said that fans of theirs will come up to them while they're out shopping or something and ask when the new album is coming out. It's been out for a few months now and they still don't know. Danny Bush from Atlantic Records came in and defended the company and the band at the same time. He didn't admit that they didn't publicize the album enough, he just said they have to play catch-up right now to get the word out. Stone Temple Pilots is headlining this year's Family Values Tour so that's a start.
After that discussion Howard started to wrap things up but he got sidetracked when he asked one of the guys if his wife brings other women home for him. He said he couldn't say but ended up talking about how she does it. Howard discussed that for a few minutes and then ended the interview.
Luis took some phone calls for Artie and let him try to talk to some people. This guy Mike called in yesterday and told Artie to put some money on number 29 in a game of Roulette. Artie says he doesn't remember anything he did after that call yesterday. Artie told his girlfriend to write down 29 red to remind him later to play that number. Luis took another call from a guy who told Artie how great he is on the show. Some other people told him how awful he sounded this morning. One guy asked him how he's doing with the $10,000 he brought with him out there. Artie thinks he's down by about $9,000 so far. The caller pointed out that he's only been there for a day and a half.
Callers were giving Artie some advice on gambling and asking him about his drinking out there. Artie admits that his drinking is out of control right now so he's going to try and reel it in. Mariann from Brooklyn called in so he had to ask her not to yell. She tried to lower her voice a little bit but it was still kind of loud. The two of them spent a couple of minutes talking. Mariann told Artie to make sure he wears his bathing suit out there in Vegas. She told him that her first choice would be Howard but he'd be her next choice.
Artie could only take so much of Mariann's voice so he asked to move on after a couple of minutes. Another caller asked Artie if he had gone on the new ride at the stratosphere or to the Bunny Ranch out there. Artie hadn't done either. Captain Janks called in next and told Artie he couldn't make it out there because he had jury duty. Janks asked Artie if he found any coke or pot out there. Artie said he used to do that stuff out there and the coke was good stuff there. Janks also reminded Artie that Howard is going to analyze the tape of these calls when they get back. Artie knows that and he sarcastically said he's looking forward to that. Janks asked Artie to put Dana on the phone but Artie wasn't into that.
A woman called in and told Artie that she loves the movie ''Dirty Work'' and has seen it more than any woman should. She thanked Artie for being so funny and told him that Dana is a lucky woman. She told Artie that she wants to have a drinking contest with him. Artie told her to come down to the studio tomorrow... when he won't be there.
Dominic Barbara called in and told Artie that he'll see him out in Vegas tonight. That was about all he had to say. A guy asked Artie if he wanted to have phone sex with him on the line. That didn't work out too well so the guy asked Artie to put Dana on the line. He wasn't going to do that so they bailed out on the whole idea.
A listener told Artie to take the $3,000 he had left to buy a casket out there instead of gambling it away. Artie told the guy he was in the military so he gets a casket for free and he'll be betting that three grand. The two of them spent a couple of minutes talking about sports and for some reason there was a delay hit during that call. Another caller gave Artie an update on some games that were played yesterday. It sounded pretty funny because the delay was building up and Artie sounded like he was in slow motion while he was talking.
One caller asked Artie what the funniest thing was that happened to him so far. Artie said he was almost beaten up by a woman dealer at the casino. He said he really was scared of her and that was pretty funny.
Luis took one last call for Artie. A guy wanted to take Artie out to drink when he gets back from Las Vegas. They spent a couple of minutes talking and then ended the segment. Artie needed some sleep. He went out with is signature AC/DC ''FIRE'' as he was getting off the line.
They've actually teamed up to do these ''Strippers Ball'' series of videos. You can find out more about them at StrippersBall.com.
Howard spent some time talking to them like they were actually a couple. He asked Jenna if Dennis is a great lover and how big his penis is. She had to tell Howard she'd never seen the thing though. Howard also told her that Dennis has broken his penis a couple of times. Dennis told that story one of the last times he was on the show. He ''missed'' as he was going in and bent his penis in such a way that it broke some blood vessels and made a mess.
Howard took a bunch of phone calls and let some listeners ask Dennis about whether or not he's gay or if he's going to play for the NBA again. Dennis has done some gay stuff but he says he's never had anal sex with a guy. He also said that he has been approached by an NBA team to come back but the money just wasn't right.
Howard gave Jenna and Dennis some plugs for their web site and he was wrapping up the segment when Gary came in with news that another airplane had crashed in Queens, New York. Howard wasn't sure if it was another terrorist attack but they put up the CNN feed so Howard could see. Howard said it was the same sickening black smoke that you could see when the planes crashed into the World Trade Center. Jenna said that she wasn't going to be flying out of the city after seeing that plane crash. She's got to go to Chicago to shoot another ''Strippers Ball'' video.
Howard had to take a break and when he came back he spent some more time talking about the plane crash. Robin told him that it was an incoming flight (later found out to be a departing flight) and the pilot had apparently tried to land in a wooded area but he was unsuccessful. A bunch of people were calling in with theories about the plane crash but Howard said we really don't know what happened yet. Howard had Robin move on to the news since they didn't know all that much about the crash at that point.
Gary brought Ray in while Croy was still in the studio and Howard said he looked frightened by her. Croy asked Ray quite a few strange questions about whether or not he's ever met Robert DeNiro. Ray said he knows him so Croy asked if he's ever had champagne with him. Ray told her he hasn't. Howard tried to take back the interview from Croy so he asked questions about the movie ''Hannibal''. Ray loses his head in the movie. Howard said that he wasn't that thrilled with the movie but he also said that Hannibal eating Ray's brains saved the movie.
Ray refused to let Howard take any phone calls today so there were none. Howard spent some time talking to Ray about his wife and the woman he dated who was in a wheelchair. Ray told Howard how he was set up with the wheelchair woman and some of the details about what they did. Howard figured it must have been pretty tough to have sex with her. Ray didn't give many details about that though. Howard told Ray that Hannibal was nothing compared to Croy. She kept interrupting with wacky questions and Ray said he was actually scared of her. Ray didn't have long to talk to Howard so the interview was over in about 20 minutes. Ray is in a couple of new movies that will be out later this month into April. He's in ''Heartbreaker'' and ''Blow''.
Howard moved on to talk to her about why she wants to meet Marilyn Manson. She's a huge fan and she's actually met him before. She has a tattoo of him above her ass too.
Howard told Theresa that she had to complete whatever came up on the Wheel of Sex that they have in the studio to get the chance to meet Marilyn. The wheel included things like:
Marilyn Manson came in after that and sat down to talk to Howard. Marilyn offered to wipe the fish guts off her ass since she was willing to go through so much to meet him.
After a few minutes Howard sent Theresa off and spent some time talking to Marilyn. He asked him about his breakup with Rose McGowan. Marilyn says he broke it off with her because she wasn't happy with his rock star life. She made it seem like she broke up with him because of his drug use when she was on the show a couple of months ago. Marilyn said he really doesn't have anything bad to say about her and he'd rather not waste all day talking about her. Howard wouldn't mind doing that though. He said he loves that stuff.
One of Howard's interns, Carrie, used to work for Marilyn and she claims that he used to make her call him ''Daddy'' when she spoke to him. Marilyn said it was true. She told Howard that she's been to 302 of Marilyn's shows. Howard said that's crazy, he's a fan of Marilyn's but he's only been to two or three of his shows. Carrie said that she was honored to be in the room with Marilyn and Howard because she thinks they're two of the greatest media marketers ever.
Howard got back to Marilyn and spoke to him about the sexual assault case that's been brought against him. Marilyn claims that it's all untrue and he never exposed his genitals to this security guard who says he was assaulted. Marilyn said he thinks this guy is just looking for a ''free ride'' so he's got this case against him now.
Howard brought up Marilyn's new girlfriend Dita Von Teese and spent a little while talking about her. Howard ended up getting back to Rose though and they spent quite a while talking about her. Marilyn mentioned his new song, a remake of ''Tainted Love'', which is featured in the new movie ''Not Another Teen Movie.'' Howard played the song and said the video looks really good. He also brought up Trent Reznor who used to work with Marilyn on his stuff. Marilyn said he and Trent have made up and he does talk to him once in a while. He said Trent is pretty reclusive and he doesn't think that he can keep up with the changing music industry.
Howard took a few phone calls for Marilyn and then gave Marilyn a plug for his new song, available on the ''Not Another Teen Movie'' soundtrack album as he wrapped up the interview.
Howard decided to turn to the audience to get some help. He took a bunch of phone calls from people who offered to help. A bunch of guys said they'd give her money if she would bang them or be a prostitute. Another guy said she could work for his web site MisKitty.com if she was willing to do some ''light porn''. She's not into any of that stuff though. She was crying and getting more and more upset after each call Howard took. A woman told Mary Ellen that she should just get a job and do whatever she has to do to support her kid. She said that she has been paid for sex a couple of times just to make ends meet. Mary Ellen said she's not a whore and a skank like that woman is. The two of them went at it for a couple of minutes.
A guy from North Carolina, which is where Mary Ellen is from, said that he'd let her live in his rental home for one month free. After that it would be $500 a month. Howard wasn't sure if he sounded trustworthy though. The guy said that he also owns a store in Mortimer, North Carolina called Betsy's Old Country Store and told everyone to go visit him. Howard had the guys take his information so Mary Ellen could hook up with him.
High Pitch Erik called in and offered to put her up in his apartment in New York City but she didn't want to move all the way up there. Erik said that his father pays his rent so she wouldn't have to worry about it. Mary said that she'd rather not take the chance of living with a stranger because her daughter is everything to her.
Listeners finally started coming through for Mary. One guy offered her $1000 and after that a bunch of others offered her between $500 and $1000. By the time Howard had to take his break the total was up around $4000 or more. She finally got her wish. Even Melrose Larry Green called in and offered up $500. He also offered her other help in finding agencies to get her father into a VA hospital. Howard was so proud of the help she was getting that he started singing an awful version of ''You'll Never Walk Alone''. Jackie said he'd give Mary $500 if Howard would just stop singing. By then Mary was coming around and decided to thank Howard for the help.
Howard was surprised to hear that everyone in the place could hear what they were saying. They finally got that together. Howard told everyone about their flight out to Vegas on Sunday. He talked about Artie drinking on the flight and then continuing to drink when they got there to the Hard Rock. They talked about the great food they had on the private jet.
Howard saw Gary the Retard sitting in the crowd so he said hello to him. The microphone wasn't working so it took a few seconds to get that working. Gary the Retard was yelling at Artie about being drunk on the radio the day before. Howard said that Gary was pulling Artie's hair and scratching his neck at the bar the night before. Artie said he had that ''retarded strength'' and wouldn't let go of him. Gary and Artie yelled at each other for a few seconds.
Robin heard that Artie was in such bad shape earlier in the morning (Tuesday) that he was reported dead in his hotel room and it was reported that he was dead. It turned out to be a hoax but the reports did get out there. Howard read the one report he had and this TV station had confirmed his death with the hotel. Robin heard that it was a drug overdose that killed him... but he's not really dead. Artie said he's still alive and he wanted a Jack and water right then.
Howard introduced his first guest who was Pam Anderson. She came out and got some applause from the crowd. Howard said they stole her from the Tonight Show before she went on. Pam heard about Artie's death and said that she had a guy who told her about the death and she didn't even know who Artie was. Howard told her that Artie actually was dead and her appearance there resuscitated him. The crowd sounded pissed that she didn't know who Artie was and booed her for a couple of seconds. Howard told Pam about how Artie called his mother to let her know he was okay but she started to cry anyway just because the rumor was so bad.
Howard talked to Pam about Las Vegas and asked her if she's really marrying Tommy Lee again. She said she's single and she's not marrying Tommy again. She changed subjects and asked about the BANGO game they're playing later in the show. Howard got back to her and tried to find out what else she's up to with Tommy and Kid Rock. Pam said that she and Tommy are not together but she does love him. She said they have a long way to go to make things right but he is the father of her children. Howard heard that he dumped Pink and went back to Pam but she said that's not what happened. She said there's no sex right now but she didn't say there was no sex with him.
Zolar was there and asked if he could come up and hug her. Howard told him to get lost. They moved on to Gary the Retard who was going nuts and telling Pam to ''Take it off!'' over and over again. Pam said she was nervous after that. Howard told Pam that Jay Leno is such a douche bag that they were going to chain her to her chair so the Tonight Show people would have to come and get her. He didn't want her to do his show because it's so bad. They actually sent a jet to get her so Howard talked to her about that. She said it was just her and her hair dresser on this private jet.
Howard got back to Pam's sex life and asked her about Kid Rock and Tommy Lee again. They went over the same stuff they've gone over in the past. Howard was going to wrap up and give Pam some plugs but she said she didn't have anything to plug. He wanted Pam to get naked and do something with one of the Spearmint Rhino girls. She wasn't into that so Howard wrapped up and gave her a plug for her web site PamelaAnderson.com. They then took the first break of the morning.
Howard said that this is like a Stern Trek convention with all of the fans that are there. Howard talked about seeing High Pitch Erik by the pool and how nasty his toenails were. High Pitch said that he and Joey Boots got stuck in the water slide there at the Hard Rock pool. Howard got back to Daniel Carver and asked him about what he's up to out there. Daniel said he wasn't able to find a blackjack table with the right rules for him.
Howard talked to Wendy the Retard for a short time. She and her mother drove up from Florida and it took them 3 days to get there. Artie joked that they lived just a block away from the hotel and it took them three days to get there. Wendy and Howard talked about bowling for a short time. She does pretty well in her bowling league. Howard also asked Wendy if Jay Leno raped her. Wendy says ''yes'' to anything he says so he played with that whole thing for a couple of minutes.
Zolar was yelling about his BANGO card and Beetlejuice was sitting near him so Howard talked to him for a short time. He said that Beet has his own ''dwarfy'' room there at the hotel. Beet was drinking so he was pretty happy and asked Robin if she wanted to join him. He was rambling a bit so Howard cut him off and got to some other stuff.
Howard talked about what he did when they got to the Hard Rock on Sunday. They were hanging out with some hot chicks and they looked like they were actually happening. Then they went to the strip club and they weren't even open yet. He told Robin how plastered Artie was and how he was yelling out stuff at the strip club while he was talking to the girls at the strip club. Gary said he was giving the girls his resume and telling them all of the stuff he's done and how he loves working for Howard.
Howard lost Artie at the strip club that night and ended up going back to the hotel alone. Artie went on to tell the guys that he was down by $9,200 already and he'd only been there 3 days. Howard told Robin that Artie only brings this tiny bag with him when he goes on vacation. He doesn't bring more than a t-shirt and underwear and a little bit of extra stuff. The rest of the guys have huge suitcases full of stuff.
Howard said he thinks that they kill fat chicks there in Vegas because he didn't see many there. All of the chicks have flat stomachs and are thin. Howard noticed some of the other guests in the crowd so they talked about them for a short time. Cleft Pallet was in the crowd so Howard talked to him for a minute. He couldn't understand what he was saying. Joey G from The Sopranos was there hanging out with them.
Howard tried to take some phone calls but that wasn't really working too well. One guy told Howard they shouldn't let Artie do those early morning interviews when he's drunk. A woman told Howard that she wanted to meet him because she went from about 300 pounds down to about one hundred and something... Howard heard the 300 pounds and hung up on her. He said you never recover from that.
There was an article in the NY Times over the weekend about his show and free speech in the country. He talked about that for a minute and then asked the crowed if they were going to vote against George Bush in the election. The crowd cheered when he asked them that. He had to take another break after that.
Porn star Taylor Rain came out a short time later. Howard said she's a beautiful woman and she's the prize you win in the game. Howard said she's one of the hottest chicks he's seen in porn. She's only 23 years old. Howard asked her if she really gets off when she does porn. She said she loves sex and she does get off. Howard had her stand up in front of the crowd so they could see what she'd win. She was tall and thin and weighed about 90 pounds according to Howard.
Taylor told Howard that she's been in porn for about 2 years now. She said she doesn't like having sex with girls. She told Howard that she's 5'3'' tall and weighs just 105 pounds. Yucko the Clown was in the crowd so he yelled out and asked her if she likes clowns. He said he'd eat the corn out of her mother's ****.
Howard asked Taylor to reenact some of her orgasmic moaning from her movies but she said she can't fake it. Robin did her impression of her instead much to the delight of the crowd. Gary told Howard that he heard that Taylor lost her virginity in her ''bad place'' before she lost the regular way. Right after that her boob popped out so Gary covered her up. Gary told Howard that they could get in trouble for that so that's why he covered up. Taylor said now she just loves to F*** in any way now. She's used many toys and even household toys to get herself off. She likes to take it in the dirty place.
Gary asked Taylor about her relationship with her parents. She gets along with her father but she doesn't get along too well with her mother. Howard asked her about some of the movie's she's done. She explained some of those and said that even though she has a boyfriend, she gets to do what she wants.
Howard moved on to the BANGO game and the whole crowd had BANGO cards. Howard told them to make sure they don't yell out BANGO unless they actually have it. They had a dancer from the Spearmint Rhino club spinning and pulling out the BANGO balls. She read them off and it went something like this:
Artie was up to his fourth Jack and water by this point. Howard said hello to Double A who was in the crowd. Andrea ''Miss Howard Stern'' was in the audience as well so Howard talked to her. She ended up getting lost out somehow. She hasn't been eating much because she's on a diet. She told Howard she's on Trim Spa and trying to lose a few pounds.
King of All Blacks was there as well so Howard spoke to him for a few seconds. Big Black was right next to him. King started goofing on him so Big Black was ready to bolt. He ran off and didn't want to let him goof on him.
Gary told Howard that Gary the Retard was telling Wendy the Retard to get a job and get out on her own. Gary the Retard was yelling at her and giving her advice but he collects money from the government himself. Gary sounded very angry and he may have been drunk. No one was sure what was up with him. He and Wendy continued to argue even after the microphones were off. Howard thinks it was Gary's drinking that made the guy so belligerent. Wendy told Howard that she'd like to go out with High Pitch Erik instead of Gary the Retard.
Howard said hello to the God Hates Fags family. This family goes around saying that God hates Fags. They drag their kids around and have them talking about all of this nonsense. The kids have no problem saying that ''God hates fags.'' The mother was telling Artie that God hates fag enablers as well so he must hate Artie. They went at it for a few seconds before Howard moved on to some phone calls.
A caller told Howard about some information about Clear Channel that he tried to send over to them. Howard hadn't seen it and didn't seem to know what he was talking about. Howard ripped through a few more phone calls and talked to some more fans. Howard told Robin that he hadn't even gambled out there yet and they'd been there for 3 days so far. He was busy at the Spearmint Rhino.
He took a couple more phone calls and then Gary told him that High Pitch Erik and Wendy the Retard were making out. Howard had him split them up after seeing that. Howard asked them what they were doing. Wendy said that he was her type and High Pitch said she was his type as well. Erik wanted to know if it was okay for her to go out with him so they had to get her mother's permission. Gary the Retard continued to yell out a bunch of nonsense and he didn't seem to care that Erik was making out with Wendy. Howard had to get out of all of that and took a break a short time later.
Daniel Carver was in the center square for Hollyweird Squares. Daniel was talking about the ratio of whites to blacks in the audience. He had nothing good to say about the Nig***s. He ranted for a minute while he had the microphone. Howard let him go on and on for a couple of minutes and then moved on to John the Stutterer who was in the next square. He and Howard talked for a couple of minutes. John couldn't talk because it was so loud in the place. Howard moved on to the God Hates Fags family who were in the bottom row. The crowd was booing them but they pretended not to hear that. They did their usual rants against the gays for a couple of seconds and then had a song to perform called ''America the Burning.'' They were having some trouble getting started. Once they started singing the crowd was going nuts booing them just about drowning them out. The crowd was chanting ''You Suck, You Suck!'' over and over again while they screeched out their song. Fred played some dog barking sound effects during that. Howard had to cut them off because they wouldn't stop singing. They turned off their microphones but they continued to sing.
In the next square was Beetlejuice. You could still hear the awful singing. Jeff the Drunk was in the next square but by this time Howard had to take another break.
After the break Howard got right to the game. Robin said she saw the squares on the monitors upstairs and it looked like the real Squares game... except for the people in the squares. Howard introduced a Tina Turner impersonator by the name of Larry who was playing for the $5,000 prize. The second contestant was an Axl Rose impersonator who said people call him Asshole.
Larry picked Daniel as his first square. Howard read his question about Rosa Parks and Daniel got the answer wrong and Larry knew it so he got the O in that square. Next up was Axl who picked The Whores. Howard asked them their question which was about the Mayflower Madam. They thought it was Norma Wallace but it was Sidney Biddle Barrows. Axl got the square.
Larry went again and picked Miss Howard Stern as his next one. Howard talked to her about why she was crying during the break but she said that she was fine and happy. Howard asked Andrea to spell Imbecile. She spelled it ''IMBESOLE.'' Larry knew she was wrong so Howard gave Larry his O. Axl picked John the Stutterer to block. Howard asked John if Sir Issac Newton was a stutterer. John said it was false but it was true and Axl got the square.
Larry picked Jeff the Drunk as his third choice. Howard talked about Jeff going out and peeing in front of a bunch of people outside the Hard Rock. Howard asked Jeff what is the ''Champagne of Bottled Beers.'' Jeff said it was Budweiser but it was Miller High Life. Larry got the square once again. Axl picked Elegant Elliott Offen as his next square. Howard asked Elliott about which actor kissed Linda Evans on Knots Landing even though he was HIV positive. Elliott said it was Ball Harbor. It was actually Rock Hudson but Axl got the square.
Howard had Larry pick his next square which was Beetlejuice. Howard asked Beetlejuice how he was doing and if he'd had any chicks yet. Of course he had. Howard then asked Beetlejuice what the little white things in his mouth are called. He thought they were ''food'' so he got it wrong and Larry got another square. Axl went with King of All Blacks as his square for the win. Howard asked King which eye was Sammy Davis Jr.'s fake eye. King said it was the left one and Axl agreed... He won the game and $5,000 with that answer. Howard gave him a $5,000 chip from the Hard Rock. Howard thanked everyone for coming on and took another break after that.
Howard took a call from a woman who heard the hoax report about Artie being dead earlier that morning. That led to Howard talking about how strange that whole thing was because a TV station had claimed to have confirmed his death but he didn't actually die. Artie thought that not that many people cared but Howard said they did.
Howard and the crew don't go out on the road too much and when they do it's pretty special. He said that the FCC has been awful with him and Clear Channel dropped him in 6 markets. He works for some great companies around the country who believe in freedom of speech and he appreciates them for keeping him on the air. The Las Vegas station is one of them so Howard thanked them after trying to remember their name and call letters. Gary pointed out that it was up on the wall in the room they were broadcasting from. Howard still believes that he will be taken off the air sometime in the future and it might be time to think about who you're going to vote for. He got political for a minute but quickly moved on to some more phone calls.
A woman called in and asked if she could be another contestant in the Blackjack for a Rack contest. Howard said they don't have time to pencil anyone in because every show is so jam packed. Howard ended up talking about this hot blonde stripper he met back stage who has the tightest stomach he's ever seen. He had Gary bring her out so he could show her off as his ''new girlfriend.'' She told him earlier that she wanted to go to the bathroom with him. She told him that she has been a fan of his ever since the speaker scene in his movie ''Private Parts.'' Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to her and found out her name is Darah and she was going to be working at the Spearmint Rhino tonight. Robin thought she really wanted Howard.
Howard took a call from a guy who told a story about Beetlejuice that was supposed to be funny but wasn't. Howard and Robin talked to Beetle for a few seconds after that. Howard hasn't been keeping up on the national news lately because all he's seen on the TVs at the Hard Rock are Led Zeppelin concerts and stuff like that.
Howard said he didn't even see the final ''Survivor'' show. He said people told him about it and it sounded pretty good to him. Robin said it really was pretty good and she loved how pissed off people were at Rob. Howard said that Rob and Amber are booked for the show and they'll be in soon. Gary told him that the show really isn't even over yet because they have another show this Thursday.
Howard said that the winner of Bango, Dan, lied about being single earlier. His wife heard the show and got pissed when she heard that he lied about it. Dan said he will go on a date with Taylor but he'll only be having sex with his wife. Howard told him to have a good date but it was kind of a bummer. He had to take another break before the next segment.
Mike told Howard that he never even got to kiss a girl because of all of the problems he had. He still has problems sleeping and breathing so he has more operations in his future. Howard brought in Carmella shortly after that. He was having a hard time pronouncing her name so he dealt with that for a minute. She's only 21 years old. She told Howard about what she wins for getting the Playmate of the Year. She also told Howard that she was not attractive in high school which Howard found hard to believe. She also said she's single which the guys couldn't believe either.
Howard asked her about her ex-fiancee. She said that she has been traveling a lot and she didn't have time for all of that stuff. She's also only 21 years old so Artie told her she doesn't need to be married. Howard asked her about when she lost her virginity and how many guys she's had since then. She lost it at 17 and has had about 5 guys.
Howard said that Mike would be playing a hand of Blackjack for the chance to win this ''night on the town'' with Carmella. Howard and the guys were placing their own bets as well. Howard was going to do the play by play for the game. They all played a hand and tried to help Mike out a little bit. He stuck with a 13 and ended up winning when the dealer busted. Mike was very happy that he won the date. Howard won some money as well on that hand.
Carmella told Howard that she and Mike will be going to dinner at Nobu and will also be getting massages. Howard wrapped up and took a break after that.
This woman Kara came in to try and win at ''Blackjack for a Rack.'' Howard thought she had nice breasts though. She said that she has a 34-B but they're saggy. Howard said that they'll give her $5000 to be on a hand of blackjack and if she wins, she gets that money to put toward implants. Kara said she's been working out and she wants bigger boobs.
Howard and the guys put some money out on the table for the blackjack game. Howard gave the play by play again. Artie hit a 21 when he did a double down on his hand. Kara had a 17 and the dealer hit 21 so everyone lost.... or did they. Gary reminded Artie that he had a 21 so that was a push. The dealer screwed up and had taken his money. Artie got his money back for that hand. Gary also gave Kara a $500 prize for coming by.
Gary stuck around and said that they have the Miss Butterface contest coming up tomorrow. They also have Rob and Amber from Survivor and the host of ''The Swan'' coming in. They're also doing the bowling segments on the show tomorrow. Rob Schneider is coming by to be one of the judges for the Miss Butterface contest.
Gary the Retard was yelling through the whole show today so Howard had them put a microphone on him again. He was asking for money for some reason. He was asking Howard where his money was but Howard had no idea what he was talking about. Ralph told Howard that Gary has become a real a-hole. He's punching people and yelling the whole time. Ralph said he got punched in the head by the guy.
Gary the Retard was asking for $500 to use for gambling. Angry Black spoke up and said that he was in hell with Gary the Retard yelling like that and Miss Howard Stern being drunk off her ass falling over. Wendy the Retard and High Pitch Erik were still making out so Howard spoke to them for a couple of minutes. Erik wants to bring her back to his room tonight but Wendy says she'll do what her mother tells her to do. She won't be sleeping with him though.
Howard had to pick names out of a hat for their Karaoke contest. First up will be Tom Chiusano. Next up will be the God Hates Fags family who will be competing in the Karaoke contest. Fred is third, Howard is fourth, Scott the Engineer is fifth then it will be Artie, Robin and Gary ''Baba Booey.''
Howard wrapped up the show after that and played Robin's last Karaoke performance from a few months ago where she sang a Sheryl Crow song. The Spearmint Rhino girls were dancing to the song. They have more BANGO coming up tomorrow along with a ton of other things.
Howard announced they have Rob and Amber from Survivor coming on the show and then they have Retard Bowling. Howard talked to Gary the Retard who was still revved up and yelling like he did yesterday. Howard asked where Wendy the Retard was and if she and Erik had hooked up yesterday. Erik said he couldn't find her and they didn't hook up. Gary and Wendy the retards will be bowling against each other later on. Howard asked Wendy if she is sterilized so she can't have babies. Wendy said she isn't so that could mean trouble for Erik if he hooks up with her.
Artie had a big bet on the Laker's game yesterday. He thought he had won but he was so drunk he wasn't sure. He's lost a total of about $16,000 so far. Howard heard that he lost more like $28,000. Artie said it's between $16,000 and $28,000. Robin figured it was around $22,000 from what she heard.
One of the Spearmint Rhino strippers was distracting Howard by twirling her gum with her finger so he ended up talking to her for a short time. She said she's been in the business for under a year. Gary said that girl was his dancer last night at the club and she ended up biting a hole in his shirt. The stripper said Gary had to stop the dance for some reason. Howard figured it was because Gary had already ''finished'' but he swore he didn't.
Henry Hill was in the audience so Howard said hi to him quickly. Yucko the Clown was there and Howard heard he got into a fight with John the Stutterer but he was still standing. Howard looked through the crowd a little more and said hello to Jeff the Drunk who still didn't have a voice.
The Miss Butterface contest was coming up later in the show so Howard mentioned that quickly. They have another round of BANGO coming up where someone will win a ''date'' with a woman by the name of Marianna.
John the Stutterer was in the crowd so Howard tried to talk to him. The whole crowd was chanting ''I, I, I...'' so he couldn't say much. Then he went off on Yucko the Clown for a few seconds. He was yelling at him to take off his makeup and expose himself. Howard cut him off and said they have Train coming in to back them up for Karaoke and a bunch of other stuff coming up. Howard took a break so they could get to the rest of the stuff they had to do.
Rob and Amber from the latest season of ''Survivor'' came out next. Howard was telling Robin how beautiful Amber was when he was talking to her back stage. He wondered what Rob does to get her. Robin said he's a construction worker. Howard went on to ask Amber if she got breast implants this season because her boobs looked bigger this year. She said she didn't. Robin and Amber talked about their engagement and how they were told by the Survivor people that they can't split the money. They told them that Amber actually has to have a separate bank account. Robin told Rob she thought he and Tom were going to get into a fight on the final show the other night. Amber thought Tom would have punched Rob out if he had the chance.
Howard asked Rob and Amber if they had sex while they were together down there. Amber made it sound like they were too dirty and disgusting after being down there so long that they didn't do anything. Howard talked to the two of them about how their relationship got started. Amber said she started the flirting as a strategy but it ended up turning into something else. Howard wondered if the two of them ran home and hopped in bed together. Amber said she went home and gained about 20 pounds.
The crowd was getting very loud and made it very hard for Howard to talk to these two. He wrapped up the interview a couple of minutes later. They were talking about the last episode of Survivor that's airing tonight. The audience gets to vote for someone else on the show to win a million bucks. Rob and Amber seem to think that people are going to vote for Rupert because there's some fascination about him. They can't figure it out even though they say that he's a nice guy. They're not sure what the fascination is. Howard went to break after that.
Gary the Retard was up first. He tossed the ball and it ended up in the gutter. Robin wondered if he needed bumpers. He said he doesn't want any bumpers though. Gary got the ball back and threw another gutter ball. Gary said he hasn't bowled in a long time. Artie told him what went wrong is that he's a retard.
Wendy got up and took her turn. She also threw a gutter ball... and then another. Artie was laughing hysterically when he saw the second gutter ball thrown. Gary the Retard got back up and threw yet another gutter ball. He took his second ball and it went in the gutter, bounced out and took down a couple of pins. It didn't count though.
Wendy finally hit some pins and took down 9 with her next roll. She took her second turn and missed that 1 pin. Gary the Retard got up for his final turn. He threw another gutter ball! Artie pointed out he had a perfect score... of zero. Of course he threw his final ball and it went right in the gutter. Wendy didn't have to throw her next ball but she wanted to do it anyway. Her final ball went right in the gutter. Wendy just won $5,000 courtesy of ''Scary Movie 3.'' Howard wrapped up the retarded bowling after that and took another break.
Howard moved on to his next guest. The host of ''The Swan'' Amanda Byram. Howard asked Amanda about the mole she has on her face because she's on a show where they try to make women look better. Amanda said that she thinks the mole is her trademark and Europeans seem to like the mole so she's keeping it. Artie said that she should be on the show ''Celebrity Mole'' because of it.
Howard said that Amanda has the responsibility to tell the women on the show that they're better looking even though they're not. He talked about how the women don't actually end up looking much better. Howard asked Amanda if she'd ever be honest and tell them that they still look ugly. Artie thought that some of them actually look worse after the makeovers. Howard told Amanda she shouldn't stand next to the chicks on that show because it makes them look 10 times ''fuglier.'' Howard said if you want to see a show where they lie to women and make them think they're better looking, check out ''The Swan'' which airs Monday night's at 9 on FOX.
Howard had Amanda stick around so they could take some phone calls. Captain Janks called in and said that he was the one who got the hoax about Artie being dead started. Janks said he called one TV station and they put him right on the air without confirming the story. Howard said he thinks Artie could be dead before the weekend. The guys spent a couple of minutes on that but Howard still had Amanda there so he got distracted by her. He talked to her for a minute and then got back to Janks. Janks said that the TV station he called actually broke into their regular broadcast to report that story. He wasn't able to get tape of that report though.
Howard took some more phone calls and one guy told Howard about seeing Jeff the Drunk on the live video cam they have on the Hard Rock web site. Howard said that's the one thing that he doesn't like about the place because people can spy on people at the pool and even peek into some rooms that look over the pool.
Beetlejuice had a few words to say about Amanda. He was saying that he landed on Amanda's face last night. He was a little drunk sounding and he was trying to hit on Amanda a little bit. Howard told Beet that they were going to do the Miss Butterface contest a little later. He had to take a break shortly after that.
Rob Schneider was the special guest judge for the contest. Rob asked to be a judge when he was on the show a few months back. He flew in from Amsterdam to do this Miss Butteface thing even though he's shooting ''Deuce Bigalow European Gigalo.'' Rob said that they did write a part for Howard and they know he wants to play a man whore. He also said they have a giveaway on CollegeClub.com where college kids can get the chance to visit the set of the new movie. Rob asked for 2 beers and two shots so he could start getting drunk while they do the Miss Butterface contest.
Rob and Artie did a couple of shots together before the contest started. Artie was doing the shots and drinking some Jack and water to wash that down. Gary came out and reminded everyone of the rules for the contest. He said the guys have to rate the girls on their bodies on a scale of 10 with 10 being the best. Then they have to rate the women's faces on a scale of 10 with 10 being the ugliest face... because it's the Miss Butterface contest... everything's good but-her-face.
Ralph came out to the jeers of the crowd. Artie was laughing and saying that the show is much funnier when you're drunk. Howard moved on and had the first contestant come out. Stacy came out and they played a clip of her talking about her body and her face. She says she has a 10 body and a 4 face. She came out with a bag on her head so they could rate her body. Howard gave her body a 10 and said she had a perfect ass. Rob Schneider liked her and also gave her a 10. Robin came in with a 10 and Ralph gave her an 8. Gary gave her a 9 and Fred gave her a 9. Artie gave her a 9 on her body. Stacy then took off her bag and got some rough responses from the guys. Stacy said that her friend entered her into the contest. Howard asked Ralph what he'd give her. He rated her at an 8. Howard said he thought she was pretty and didn't think she was that bad. He gave her a 3. Gary gave her a 6. Rob gave her a 4 because she was too good looking. Robin didn't think she was that bad either. She gave her a 4. Artie thought she looked like Ryan Seacrest and gave her a 3. Fred gave her a 6 after saying that her face was growing on him after the initial shock of seeing it.
Next up was Bianca. She says that she's 23 years old and from Romania. She was up on stage in her bathing suit and she looked pretty good according to Howard. Rob Schneider gave her a 6 for her body. Ralph gave her an 8. Gary a 9 and Robin a 6. Howard gave her an 8 and Artie gave her a 9. Fred gave her a 7. When she revealed her face the guy sounded shocked. Rob said they should stop the contest right then. Gary gave her a 9 for her bad face. Ralph gave her a 6. Howard gave her an 8 and Rob gave her a 7. Robin didn't think she was that bad and gave her a 6. Artie gave her a 9 after saying she looked like his 7th grade science teacher... Mr. Molinari. Fred gave her an 8 because his watch stopped after she took that bag off.
The next contestant was Cindy, another 23 year old. She came out and revealed her body. Ralph said that she was a mess and gave her body a 2. Rob gave her a 4 and Gary gave her a 5. Howard also gave her a 5 and Robin gave her a 6. Artie gave her a 6 as well while Fred gave her a 3. She removed her bag and the face must have been bad. Artie said she looked like Henry Hill. She had huge ears and Gary said they were calling her Prince Charles. Ralph gave her a 10 for the bad face. Howard agreed and gave her a 10. Gary gave her a 9 and Rob gave her a 9 as well. Robin gave her a 9 and Artie gave her a 10. Fred came in with a 10 but said he'd give her a 14 if he could.
Howard had to take a break after Cindy's evaluation. When they came back Howard said this will all air on E! starting next week. Robin then got a couple of shots to drink like everyone else was doing. Robin took one of the shots and downed it within a few seconds. Howard got back to the Miss Butterface contest. The next contestant was Debbie. She came out and the guys rated her body. Gary gave her a 3 for her body. Ralph gave her a zero! Rob gave her a 5 because she's 49 years old. Robin gave her a 5 as did Howard. Artie threw in another 5 and Fred gave her a 2. She took off her bag and the guys were shocked once again. Gary gave her a 7 for her face. Ralph gave her a 6. Rob gave her an 8 for the face. Howard gave her a 9, Robin gave her a 7 and Artie gave her a 10. Fred gave her a 9.
Howard was wasted from the tequila he was drinking. He said he wasn't going to drink anymore after that. The next contestant was Michelle. She rates her face at a 5. She's 33 years old and married. Artie was laughing when she came out. Gary rated her at a 5 for her body. Artie gave her a 10, Howard gave her a 7 and Rob gave her a 6. Ralph gave her a 6 and Robin gave her a 4. Fred said the bag should go all the way to her feet and gave her a 4. The crowd was shocked again when she took that bag off. Rob said that he'd give her a 10. Ralph gave her a 9, Robin also gave her a 9 and Howard, Artie and Fred gave her a 10.
Next up was Nicole who rated herself at a 5 on her own face. Howard gave her a 7 on her body. Gary gave her an 8 and Ralph gave her a 6. Rob gave her a 7.5. Robin gave her an 8 and Artie gave her a 9. Fred threw in another 7. She took off her bag and it wasn't good. Rob gave her a 7, Ralph gave her a 9 and Gary gave her a 7. Robin said it was an 8 and Howard gave her a 7. Artie threw in a 9 while Fred gave her the same... a 9.
Next up was Penny. She revealed that she lost her virginity at 11 but not willingly. Howard gave her a 6 for her body. Gary also gave her a 6 while Ralph gave her a 5. Rob gave her a 7 and Robin gave her a 7. Artie gave her a 7 and Fred gave her a 6. She took off her bag and Rob let out a yell. Ralph wanted to give her an 11 but had to keep it at a 10. Gary gave her an 8, Rob gave her a 9 and Robin gave her an 8. Howard gave her a 9 and Artie gave her a 9. Fred threw in a 10.
Rachel was up next. She was only 21 years old. The crowd went nuts when she came out for some reason. She slipped when she came out and the bag fell off her head. Howard gave her a 4, Gary gave her a 5 and Ralph gave her a 2. Rob Schneider gave her a 7 and Robin gave her a 5. Artie gave her a 2 and Fred did the same. She took off the bag and her face wasn't that bad. Ralph gave her a 6, Gary a 5, Howard a 4, Rob a 6 and Robin a 5. Fred gave her a 3 and Artie gave her a 3.
The next contestant was Sherri. When she came out the crowd was making a lot of noise. She had big boobs so Ralph gave her a 2. Rob gave her a 7, Gary a 6, Robin 4, Howard 6 and Artie an 8. Fred gave her a 3. She took off the bag and the guys rated her face. Howard gave her a 10, Gary an 8, Ralph a 9, Rob a 9 and Robin a 9. Fred gave her a 10 and Artie gave her a 10.
The final contestant was Debbie A., a 37 year old woman. Howard said she had a 9 body. Rob gave her a 9, Gary a 9, Ralph a 6, Robin a 9, Artie a 9 and Fred a 9. She took off her bag and it wasn't all that bad. Gary gave her a 7, Ralph a 4, Rob a 7, Robin a 5, Howard a 9, Artie a 2 and Fred a 4.
Howard had the guys go through the scores and then revealed the winner. Ralph though that number 2 should have been the winner. Gary told the guys that the winner was number 5, Michelle who scored a 68. They shot off a bunch of confetti when they announced the winner. They had a guy come out with a $25,000 check courtesy of Hitman Contracts the video game which is available for Xbox, Playstation 2 and PC. The guy was dressed as Agent 47 from the video game. Howard wrapped up the contest after that and thanked Rob for stopping by to judge the contest.
Howard moved on to the game and had the girl read off the numbers for the BANGO game. Here's how they came out:
The God Hates Fags family was up next with a parody of ''Proud to be an American'' called ''Ashamed to be an American.'' Rob said he was ashamed to be listening to these people sing the song. The band Train backed them up as the crowd booed them. The family then sang their awful song bashing gays. Rob Schneider tried to interrupt them but Howard let them keep going.
Fred was up next. He was performing Roadhouse Blues by the Doors for his song. Howard said Fred was dancing while doing his performance. He was actually good and Train covered the song really well.
Howard headed up next to perform a Led Zeppelin song. He performed Highway to Heaven... while slightly drunk. The band sounded great and Howard sounded like he usually does when he sings. He sounded like he was doing an impression of High Pitch Erik as he was singing. He had the guys go right to break after he was done singing.
After the break Howard said he had a few more shots of tequila during the break. Rob ended up doing a song during the break that didn't make it to the air. Howard was hoping they'd have tape of it so they could play it. Howard wanted to move on and have the rest of the guys perform their songs. Scott the Engineer was up next with his cover of ''Lovin in the City.'' Scott got a little lost with the lyrics for some reason and kind of blew it. It was pretty bad according to Howard and Robin. Artie hopped up and performed AC/DC's ''You Shook Me'' for the crowd who went nuts when he got up there. Artie was a little off because he was so drunk. Howard said they were telling him that he was beating Artie so far. Rob was cursing a bit so Howard just said to let the FCC take them off the air already, he doesn't care.
Robin got up next to perform KoRn's ''Y'all Want a Single.'' She zig zagged up to the mike according to Gary. She was very excited and screaming at the top of her lungs like you've never heard before. Howard asked ''What the hell was that?'' when she came back.
Gary got up on stage to perform Linkin Park's ''One Step Closer.'' He sounded a bit drunk himself and ended up slurring some of his words. They played some of Baba Booey's theme songs after that. They had to judge the songs after that. Howard asked the crowd to cheer if they thought each person was good. Tom and the God Hates Fags family both got boos. Fred got some cheers as did Howard's performance. Scott the Engineer got boos but Artie got some big cheers. The crowd was chanting Artie's name after his name was mentioned. Robin got some cheers but Gary got some boos. Howard was going to give it to Artie or Robin because they got the most cheers. He then had Pat Monahan from Train perform some Led Zeppelin songs for the crowd to show them what a real singer sounds like. They were great. After they did a few minutes Howard took another commercial break.
Rob Schneider came back to hang out with Howard. They still had a few more things to get to. Howard said that Train will come back out and perform their new single. They also had Blackjack for a new Rack to play.
Howard took some phone calls and let a few people talk to them. One caller had tape of the report of Artie's death on the local CBS news. Robin thought it was pretty funny. They talked about that for a few seconds and then got to the Blackjack hand.
Howard had this woman Michelle come out to try and win some money for her new rack. They put down $5000 for her and the rest of the guys put down some cash of their own for their hands. Artie went from $200 to $400. He was completely wasted and started cursing. Robin put down $100. Howard gave the play by play for each card dealt. Michelle ended up losing the hand and the $5,000. The dealer had blackjack so they were all screwed. Gary gave Michelle a parting gift of $500 courtesy of Bally Total Fitness. Howard then wrapped up the game and thanked everyone for showing up for the show this day.
Howard ended the show with Train performing their new song ''Ordinary'' from the ''Spider-Man 2'' soundtrack album.
Howard said they were going to play a little blackjack for a new rack this morning. They'll be doing another round of bowling up in Howard's room but this time with strippers. Howard interrupted that to talk about how George W. Bush's poll numbers are going down now. He went on to talk about how he and the fans are going to get him out of office in November. He said having everyone there in Vegas just inspires them to go on with the show as long as they can.
Howard took some phone calls after that. One guy said he was outside The Joint trying to get in. Howard sent Gary out to let the guy in for some reason.
Howard said he was called over to the Spearmint Rhino last night because Artie was out of control over there the night before. Gary gave Howard the details about what happened. Howard said that Artie told him that he has to leave Las Vegas that night before someone gets killed or he gets killed. Artie told Howard that he blacked out after the Miss Butterface contest and when he woke up he was talking to Henry Hill at the Spearmint Rhino. Howard had to go over there to send Artie back to his room. Artie didn't remember much of it. Gary told him that he's not welcome at the Spearmint Rhino and he ripped up his paycheck and threw it in the owner's face. Artie didn't remember that and he didn't remember falling off the stage over there. Zolar was there and told Howard what he saw. Artie fell off and ended up yelling at people who were trying to help him. He was calling one guy a faggot and some other stuff. They were able to get tape of that because they had the E! cameras over there at the club.
Doug Goodstein from E! said that Artie insulted the owner, ripped up his check and told him to get a new shirt. Artie now wants to go home early because of all of that stuff. Howard and Robin said that Dana was really upset about everything that was going on. Howard asked him if he's up for his baseball challenge after all of that. Artie said he wasn't sure and he needed a drink. Howard said that he wants to have a bowling match between him, Robin and Artie.
Howard talked to some more chicks in the audience. He also talked to Daniel Carver from the KKK. He said he has won a few bucks gambling out there. A black woman put her arm on him so he told them to get that nig*** off him.
Gary asked Artie whose idea it was for him to go home. Artie said it was his idea but then he said that a few people conference called him. He said that Dana told him that he really should listen to the last hour of the show because he was in such bad shape. Artie also thought that the hoax about his death could come true if he stays out there.
The E! guys had video of Artie being taken off stage at the Spearmint Rhino. Artie refused to look at the video. Robin and Gary were laughing at the tape as they watched. They had to put Artie in a wheelchair to get him out of the club. He then started throwing stuff. He threw a pizza box at one point. They tried to get Artie into his room but when he got on his couch, he fell off onto the floor and passed out. Gary said he heard the Spearmint Rhino people are still going to pay him even though he ripped up the check and threw it in the owner's face. Artie said he doesn't want the money though because that's bad business. Artie said he was chasing tequila with Jack Daniels all day so that's why he got so plastered. He apologized for everything that happened and said that the Spearmint Rhino is a great club and everyone was very nice to him. Howard had to take a break after that story.
Howard took some questions from the crowd and one woman said she's a huge fan and she goes to all of the shows she can. She asked Howard if he was embarrassed by what Artie did. Howard says he wasn't embarrassed at all. A guy in the crowd told Howard he misses him because he can't hear him in Pittsburgh anymore. Howard said that Clear Channel sucks so the crowd went nuts and started chanting ''Clear Channel sucks!'' over and over again. Howard talked to a guy who had a ''Save Howard'' t-shirt on. The guy was missing some teeth so Howard said he was going to try to find some money so he could play a game of Blackjack so he could pay for some new teeth.
They brought the guy up to the table so he could play a hand of blackjack. Howard made him promise to use the money only for teeth... not for crack. Robin and the rest of the crew were playing the blackjack hand as well. They had a woman come out to play as well because she was there to play for a new rack. Her name was Kyle and she's a little small in the chest area. Howard said he doesn't care about that because he's a vagina man. Kyle says she wants to be in Playboy and it's been her dream since she was 16. She's 21 now. Their blackjack dealer has actually been in Playboy. Howard spent about 2 seconds on that and got back to Kyle. He read about how she likes to have sex in public places because of the chance of getting caught. She was expelled from school one time for threatening to kill another girl who stole her boyfriend.
Howard moved on to the game and asked Artie if he'd be betting. Artie said he was down so much he could only bet $50. Artie said he's down by about $23,000 so far. Howard had Yari deal the hand of blackjack. He gave the play by play for each of the cards dealt. Artie busted since he can't seem to win at anything while he's out there. Kyle and Robin both had 20 so they stuck with those. The guy with no teeth, Nick, had a 17. He lost when the dealer got a 19. Both Robin and Kyle won so Kyle will be getting breast implants. Nick said that he's been partying with Zolar all week and it's been great.
Howard talked to Cindy about the story he read about her math teacher having sex with her. She said that he liked to be burned and she liked burning him with cigarettes. She said that she told him she wanted an A in his class and that's what led to them having sex. She said it was during lunch period one day. Howard read that Cindy had a girlfriend at one point and she ended up breaking up her marriage and the husband ended up killing himself because of that. He shot himself in the chest with a shotgun. She didn't seem to care much about that either.
Cindy was first up and she ended up getting a gutter ball. Karina also got a gutter ball but there was a delay hit for some reason. This was a taped show too so that didn't make much sense. Cindy threw her second ball and got another gutter ball. The girls went back and forth a couple of times and neither of them could hit a pin. Even the retards yesterday were able to hit some pins. Karina ended up getting 6 pins finally so Cindy lost and has to go on a ''date'' with Jeff the Drunk.
Jeff the Drunk got up to bowl. He threw a ball and hit 3 of the pins that were still standing. Howard gave the girls plugs for their web sites KarinaVIP.com for Karina and JillKellyProductions.com for Cindy. Howard had to take another break after that.
Howard spoke to Gary the Retard and Wendy the Retard because they were going to play Retarded Card Sharks. Howard asked Wendy if George Bush had slept with her and raped her the night before. She answered yes to every question he asked as she usually does. He asked Gary the Retard if he was also raped but he doesn't play along with that stuff and said ''No!'' Wendy told Howard that she will use her winnings to go to Disney World if she wins. Howard then asked her if Mickey Mouse raped her last night. She played along and said yes to all of his questions again.
Howard moved on to the game of Retarded Card Sharks. Wendy gave Howard some pictures she drew last night so he showed those off. Howard said he thought he needed a drink after seeing those. Artie said he'd have one as well. He was hoping to drink enough to forget what happened the night before. Howard then explained the game to the Retards. They'd deal them cards and they had to guess whether the next card would be higher or lower than that card.
The first card was an 8 so Gary guessed it would be higher. It was a 9 so he got that one. Gary guessed the next one would be higher and got a King. Gary guessed that the next card would be higher but he got a 4.
Wendy's first card was a 9. She said the next one would be lower and got a 2. She then guessed the next one would be higher. She got a Jack. She then said that the next card would be lower. She got an Ace and tied with Gary the Retard. Howard said this was his worst nightmare because the game was going longer than it was supposed to.
Gary the Retard went again and was dealt a 4. He guessed the next one was higher and got an 8. Wendy was dealt a card and got an Ace. She said it would be lower and got a 6. They were tied again. Gary guessed his next card would be higher and got a King. They went back and forth a couple of times again and ended up tied again. Howard wanted out of the game. He said they talked about this earlier and he had a bad feeling that they'd be stuck in the game for an hour. The two of them had another round and tied again. Howard then had them try one more time and Wendy ended up losing.
Gary the Retard won $5,000 but thought he only won $500. Howard gave him his $5,000 chip and thanked them for playing. He then went to another commercial break as Artie was getting ready to drink his first Jack and water. He said he was willing to die for the Stern fans out there.
Howard spoke to Zolar for a short time as well. Joey Boots was there and Gary told a story about how the two of them got oral sex from a stripper while the show was going on the day before. Double A was in the crowd so Howard talked to him for a few seconds as well. Everyone's voices were shot from yelling so much out there. Double A asked if Beth was going to be there because she's so beautiful. Howard had Beth stand up and say hello to him. Double A told her he loves her and it sounded like he blew her a kiss.
Yucko the Clown told Howard he had sex with a couple of women the night before. Beetlejuice and ''Miss Howard Stern'' (Andrea) were there so he quickly moved on to them. Beet's voice was shot just like everyone else's. Andrea has been upset lately and she doesn't know why she's there. She's depressed because she's broke and they're not helping her out with any money.
Howard wanted to put her in a contest against Beetlejucie for the chance to win $2,000. Howard asked Beet what the little white things in his mouth are that he uses to chew food. He said ''food'' again like he did the other day. Howard then asked Andrea to spell imbecile. She spelled it with an S and got it wrong. Howard then asked Beet the same question about his teeth and he called them ''food'' once again. Andrea was asked what symbol was used for the Nazi party in Germany during World War II. She wanted to draw it but didn't know the name. She called it the ''Nazi cross.'' Howard asked Beetlejuice what TOOTH spelled. Beet said it spelled ''seven.'' Howard asked Andrea what newspaper Clark Kent worked for. She said it was the NY Times.
Howard continued to ask Beet and Andrea questions. Beet was asked what animal cows milk comes from. He got it right when he said ''cow.'' Howard asked Andrea what 30 percent of 100 was. She said it was 30 dollars but that was wrong, it was just 30. Howard gave her $1000 anyway even though she lost. Andrea didn't know what to do with the $1000 chip she was handed. They had to explain to her that she has to take it to a cashier.
Howard spoke to some more fans in the crowd. One of the girls lives there in Vegas and asked for a spanking as a birthday gift. Howard didn't want to do the spanking thing so she asked for a hug instead. Another woman asked where Mr. X was. Robin said he's home sick with the flu.
Howard talked about Artie's baseball challenge and started to take some bets on whether or not he'd be able to get a hit off of her. They spent a minute on that and then took another break.
Ila says that when she played college ball she got spit on by the guys on her team. If she manages to strike Artie out, she wins $10,000. If Artie gets a hit off of her, he wins the money. Robin was hoping that she'd rub it in if she beats Artie. Howard had Ila head out to the field to throw a couple of practice pitches. Michael Buffer was there to do the announcing for the challenge.
Buffer introduced Ila and gave her stats and introduced her with his trademark delivery. Howard introduced the umpires they had out in the field and gave their names. Buffer then introduced Artie after giving his resume.
Howard asked the two of them how they were doing so far. Ila threw her first pitch and threw a ball. Second pitch was another ball. The third pitch was yet another ball. Artie said that she had nothing for him. Ila threw her next pitch and it was ball 4. They started over again after that. Ila threw another ball... and another ball that brushed Artie. Artie said that if she throws another one like that, he's going to rush the bitch.
Ila started all over again and threw another ball. Artie hadn't swung yet. Artie got a hit off of her on the next pitch. He won the $10,000 that was up. The umpire said that Artie really does have talent. He has a good eye and he waited for the right pitch and cracked one out and got a base hit. Ila said she hasn't played for 3 years so she was a little rusty but Artie said he hasn't played for 20 years (plus he was hung over and had at least one Jack and water in him). He still got the hit off of her. Howard said that Artie promised to put that ten grand on roulette. Artie said that if he wins, he'll stay in Vegas. Gary gave Ila $1,000 for coming out to do the pitching. Howard did a few plugs for all of the people that helped them out with the baseball challenge and then went to another commercial break.
Gary told Howard that Henry Hill was kicked out of the hotel because he was such a pain in the ass. Gary told Howard that Henry kept asking him if he was going to get him on. He kept telling him ''no'' but Henry kept asking.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said that everyone of his fans who went to the gift shop would get a free t-shirt. Robin knew it was a scam of course.
Artie was out in the casino at a roulette table. Artie was going to pick either red or black and put the full $10,000 on it. Artie was thinking of betting on a number because the odds were 36-1. Howard got a note from someone saying that the bet had to be on red. Artie was going to bet on black but Howard didn't understand why he was being told it had to be red. Scott the Engineer said he saw Tom run out of there for some reason. Howard wanted to wait to hear Tom's explanation for that because it should be worth it. While he was waiting he talked about some of the people he saw out in the crowd.
Tom finally showed up a few minutes later. Howard asked him why he has to bet red. Tom said that he thought it was supposed to be Sobe red because that's the sponsor who gave them the money but it was actually up to Artie which color he wanted to bet on. Howard apologized to Artie for making him wait for that. Artie explained why he was picking black and how it was based on his favorite black man, Mickey Rivers. Daniel Carver told Artie that he's a loser anyway and he'll probably lose the bet. Artie was starting to slur his words and he was already getting pretty plastered. He placed his bet on Black and the dealer spun the roulette wheel. The ball slowed and hopped into green. Artie said that couldn't be more perfect for his life.. it didn't even land in red, it landed in green which only has 2 spots on the wheel. Artie was ready to get on his flight home after that disaster. Howard had to take another break before getting to the Freaky Family Feud.
The God Hates Fags family team said they don't even care about the money, they're just there to preach to Howard's audience. Howard talked to some of the other people on the MyGaydar team and then got to the game.
Moon from the MyGaydar team and Shirley from the insane family got up and played the Freaky Family Feud. Howard asked them to name the top gay profession. The GHF (God Hates Fags) family got the second most popular profession which was Hairdresser. They decided to play that category. They blew it and lost the category to the MyGaydar team. They ended up winning the category and got 43 points.
Howard brought up Buck and Megan to play the next round. The question was ''Name the top celebrity who seems gay.'' Megan said Liberace but it wasn't one of the answers. Buck didn't get one either but Howard sent it over to the MyGaydar team. Howard asked the guys for more celebrities. They got Tom Cruise which was the top answer. Clay Aiken was also on that list. Ricky Martin was also on the list but they blew it and the GHF team got a try. They blew it as well so the MyGaydar team got the points.
Howard moved on to the next round and ended up talking to one of the GHF team members. He also spoke to the MyGaydar team for a few seconds. Howard then asked who the top gay icon was. The GHF family wasn't doing too well and blew it when they got their three strikes without one correct answer. The MyGaydar family took it and got Madonna, Cher and Judy Garland as the answers. They had already won anyway so they ended the game after that. The team won $10,000 in chips. The GHF family didn't care, they just wanted to preach to everyone. Howard wrapped up the game and went to commercial once again after that.
High Pitch Erik was shirtless out in the crowd so Howard talked to him for a minute. Erik was leaning up against Daniel Carver for some reason. Zolar was yelling about how disgusting Erik looked with his shirt off. Howard went through some of the other people in the crowd. He talked to Speech Impediment Man for a few seconds. Speech Impediment Man asked Howard when he's going to jump into the race for President. Howard then moved on to Cleft Pallet who was in the crowd. After that they moved on to another round of BANGO (a BINGO like game) where someone would win a ''date'' with a porn star.
Howard brought out porn star Venus who says she'll go on a date with just about anyone. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to her and found out she's had sex with over 500 guys in the 6 years she's been in the business. Howard read that she's adopted and her parents are very religious so they're not very proud of her. Howard said she was a beautiful woman and anyone in the crowd could win the date with her. Everyone had a BANGO card so they were all eligible.
They BANGO girl called off the letters and numbers that went like this...
Howard and Robin put down a hundred bucks on the hand of Blackjack. Artie only had $50 to put down on the table. Howard gave the play by play for the hand and reminded everyone how much Artie had lost out there. It was somewhere around $33,000 by this point. Gary was also in on the game and got blackjack. Howard double downed and ended up with 13. Robin had 13. Mickey was sticking on a 13 against the dealer's 4. The dealer ended up busting and Mickey got her $10,000. Artie actually won $50.
Howard got up to say goodbye to his audience. He had to thank everyone who helped them out. He thanked the Spearmint Rhino girls, the E! staff, the Hard Rock staff, Beetlejuice for his bowel movement on the stage, Ila the pitcher who Artie ended up getting a hit off of. Gary thanked a bunch of people from the show who helped out with everything there. Howard thanked the sponsors who have stuck with them through all of the indecency stuff.
Gary had to thank Scott ''The Engineer'' Salem and Eddis who helped out with the show. Howard thanked the people who wrote to the FCC to help him out and told everyone to register to vote and get Bush out of office.
Howard wished his agent Don Buchwald a happy birthday and thanked him for his hard work behind the scenes. Artie told his girlfriend and sister that he loves them both, in a very different way. Artie said he hadn't decided on whether he was staying in Vegas or going home to New Jersey. Howard wrapped up and ended the show after that.