Howard's buddy Ralph came in and backed up everything everyone was saying. He hangs out with Howard more than anyone and he would know. Howard said Ralph knows him better than his own mother so he should know more than she does. Howard thinks that his mother just thinks that since she raised him, there can't be anything wrong with her son. That just isn't true though. Howard eventually told his mommy that he loves her and his father very much. After he hung up he said to call and set up an appointment with his shrink right away.
Howard took a bunch of phone calls for Darrell. Most of them weren't even about Darrell though. Elegant Elliott Offen called in for some reason. He said he saw the ''Cribs'' segment they did about him on the E! show last night and started to ramble about his usual nonsense when Howard just hung up on him. Howard took a few more phone calls but it was just people complaining about Sandra Bernhard and stuff like that.
Howard told Darrell he wants to play Osama bin Laden on SNL. He did his best impression of Osama for Darrell and did a little bit of material. He said that he could play Osama and Darrell could play Bush and it would be pretty funny.
Darrell did some if his impressions for Howard and hung around during Robin's news segment to comment on some of the stories she brought up.
During a commercial break Howard said he and Darrell got into a pretty heavy conversation about rehab. Darrell had to go in for drinking too much. He said it's really hard not to drink now. Artie also got in on the conversation and shared some stories about his drug rehab. Darrell asked him if he ever went to jail for his drug use. Artie said he was in the L.A. Country jail for a week and that will sober someone up really quick. Howard spent some time talking to Darrell about the drinking thing before getting back to Robin's news. Darrell said that his favorite drink was Rumplemintz. He said it was like 150 proof and he only needed about 4 shots of that to get loaded. Artie said that stuff really is strong and it has a very minty flavor. He said one morning after drinking Rumplemintz he went to brush his teeth and threw up because of the taste of the toothpaste. Darrell added that it's not a normal throw up either, it's like stuff from 9th grade that comes up.
Darrell is appearing at Caroline's Comedy Club in New York City this Thursday through Sunday for those of you who want to see him do his stand-up comedy.
The feed finally started working about 2 minutes in so Howard spent some time talking to Blaine. He said he has about another 17 hours to go and his back is numb and his legs are numb already. Howard continued to tell everyone what this stunt involves. Howard said the pole is 90 feet high and the platform is 20 inches in diameter. He's standing there for almost 36 hours. There's nothing under him right now so if he falls he either dies or gets hurt severely. Blaine said that since he can't feel his legs at this point the fall tonight is going to be dangerous. He said he may not be able to take off correctly. Robin said that when you stand like that the blood pools in your legs which is what has happened to him already.
Blaine said he's jumped into cardboard boxes from 40 feet and got whiplash and fractured a rib.
Howard brought up the call he got earlier where another magician said that Blaine has a feeding tube. Blaine said he doesn't have one and he's been eating very little because he can't move his bowels up there.
Blaine swears that he's no attached to anything up there either. He said if he passes out and falls he's probably dead. Robin wondered why he does stuff like this. Howard also wondered because he gets so many hot chicks.
Blaine said that he's actually losing money on this stunt for some reason. He thinks he'll make up for it in the long run though. He's working on a book with Howard's buddy Larry ''Ratso'' Slomin.
Howard brought up the Angie Everhart story he told earlier and asked David how they knew each other. Blaine said they met in France when they were like 14. They met again at a gas station a few years ago and have remained friends since then.
Howard spent a few more minutes talking to David and taking some phone calls. He also found out that David's ex-girlfriend and singer Fiona Apple was there watching him. She was hanging out with Ratso so they got her to call in. She called in and Howard tried to find out how a couple, who were lovers at one point, remain friends. Fiona just asked Howard if he was serious. She couldn't believe that's what he wanted to talk to her about while David is standing on this pole 90 feet in the air. She called Howard annoying and didn't really want to talk about their relationship. David was okay with it until Fiona said that David was the one who broke up with her. He said that she was the one who broke up with him but she couldn't believe that. Howard told her she was the angriest woman in the world. He eventually got off the phone with her after telling her to get in the studio to do a new album.
Howard thanked David for calling in and gave him a plug for his special that airs tonight at 10pm on ABC. Blaine also has a DVD out called ''Fearless'' that's available at DavidBlaine.com.
Howard continued to talk about the hot chicks Blaine has gotten. He said that's what Blaine should be writing about, not his magic tricks. Howard was amazed that all of these women that he's broken up with remain his friends. Fiona ended up calling back in. Howard thought she wanted to apologize for her behavior during the earlier call but she wasn't apologizing. She sounded like she was in a better mood but she still didn't understand why Howard found it so amazing that she remains friends with David Blaine. Howard told her why he found that so amazing and wanted to know how that happened. She never did give him an answer though. She wasn't sure what to tell him. Howard continued to try and get more info out of her but it wasn't happening. He tried to find out what she was wearing too but she threatened to hang up on him. Gary told Howard to ask her if she remembers the name of her second album because the title was ridiculously long. That was the breaking point for Fiona. She gave the phone back to Ratso at that point. Ratso asked Howard why he was torturing Fiona like that. He said he wasn't torturing her and ended up hanging up on Ratso as he went to a break.
Fran got right into her cancer discussion. She told Howard and Robin how she went to a bunch of doctors who couldn't diagnose her cancer. Howard also spoke to Fran about her ex-husband and about how she was raped one time. Fran said she's still in touch with her ex-husband and they've become friends since her illness. She said that was a silver lining to this cancer story.
Fran told Howard that she had to have a radical hysterectomy to get rid of the cancer she had. She doesn't have a period anymore and she can't have kids now because of the surgery. She said they took out everything above the cervix. Howard told her she doesn't really need that stuff anyway.
Howard asked her if she's had any surgery on her face or breasts and she said that she hasn't. Howard said that she's really holding up well for a 40 year old woman.
Fran talked about how the doctors failed to find this cancer she had. Fran said she doesn't even have a scar from the surgery. She said they took out a lot of stuff so Howard asked her if she's afraid someone saved her stuff to show people. She said she hopes that didn't happen because she asked for some of it to be saved for her.
Howard asked Fran where her fortune will go when she dies. Fran said that her boyfriend is in her will but other members of her family get more than he would.
After Fran's surgery she had to wait 10 days to have sex. Howard asked her what it was like to have sex the first time after the surgery. She told Howard they had sex the day she found out she had cancer. She said her world stopped when she found that out. Howard wondered why she had sex that day. She said they were hugging and kissing as they were talking about this terrible news and it eventually led to sex. Howard said he would have suggested anal sex that day because the cancer was in her uterus. Fran moved on to talk about having sex after the surgery. She said she wanted to prove that she was still a woman after the surgery. She told Howard she was on her back when they had sex after Howard asked her if she did it doggie style. Fran told Howard she had an orgasm that first time after the surgery too. Fran said all of this stuff is in her book.
Fran told Howard that she was trying to keep the cancer thing quiet when someone told the National Enquirer about it. It then became big news. Fran said all of her friends stayed by her through this whole ordeal. Rosie O'Donnell is one of her friends so Howard asked her what she does with her. Fran said that they hang out together. Howard asked her if Rosie has ever suggested lesbian sex to her. Fran just laughed and said she never has.
Fran said that she has a 95 percent chance of survival because they caught the cancer early. She went on to suggest that people not use anti-perspirant under your arms. She said that deodorant is fine but anti-perspirant has aluminum in it and that may cause problems. She said that a lot of people who have Alzheimer's disease have a lot of aluminum in their blood.
Howard told Fran that if she consumes his semen that it will lower her chance of cancer. Robin and Howard also said that there have been studies that say that having sex often can reduce the chance of getting cancer.
Fran got a few plugs in for her upcoming book signings before Howard took some phone calls for her. One guy called in and said that women who wear bras all the time have more of a chance of getting breast cancer. Fran said she very rarely wears one. Howard let a few other calls through and some people had some nice things to say about Fran. Then King of all Blacks called in and turned things upside down. King had a theory about rapists that drove Fran nuts because she was raped one time. King said that he thinks that a guy who rapes a woman loves her more than the man she's with. He said that when a guy walks by a woman and falls for her, that's real love. Fran sounded very disturbed by his thoughts and told Howard she didn't think they should be talking to him anymore. Howard wanted Fran to talk to him to teach him the right thing but she wanted nothing to do with him. Howard hung up on him and moved on to a couple more calls. He then told Fran he's glad she's still alive and wrapped up the interview.
Charles used to beat his wife but he's reformed himself. He told Howard that he used to beat his wife for things like not having meals ready on time and cleaning the house. He told Howard that it seemed to work for him. He said that the first time he beat a woman it was strange but it always ends up happening again.
While this guy was talking about beating women KC was just laughing hysterically. Charles told Howard that now that he's much more stable, he doesn't get angry about meals not being ready on time. He said it is possible to change.
Howard took some phone calls for the guy and spent a few more minutes talking to him. Charles says he stopped beating about 25 years ago. His first wife is gone now but he's married again and he's never beaten this woman. High Pitch Erik called in and said this guy should be in jail because beating women is wrong. Howard told Erik that the guy knows that and he hasn't beaten anyone in 25 years. Howard wrapped up the call after a short time and gave the guy a couple of plugs for his book.
Howard said Hunter had some other big news to announce while he was on the phone. A few weeks ago Andy Dick was on the phone and said that he thought that Hunter stole his girlfriend Lisa from him. Hunter denied it for a couple of weeks but then this morning he said he was in bed with her. Lisa told Howard that they've been in this relationship since about a week after she broke up with Andy. Howard said that must drive Andy crazy. Hunter and Lisa claim that Andy called them earlier and woke them up, that's why they were up so early calling Howard. A short time later Gary called Andy and got him on the phone. Andy claims that he didn't call Hunter and Lisa, Lisa called him crying and spoke to him all night. Howard asked Lisa if that was true and she denied it.
Hunter and Andy went back and forth with allegations that they've threatened each other's lives and stuff like that. Andy was also trying to say something about what Hunter and Lisa do but he wouldn't say exactly what it was. Andy wanted Hunter to talk about it but Hunter didn't seem to know what he was talking about. They also continued to argue about who called who earlier in the morning. Andy tried to get Lisa to admit that she called him crying about how Hunter was holding her hostage or something like that. She denied those claims also. Andy told Howard he thinks something strange is going on with her because she doesn't sound like herself.
Hunter kept bringing up Andy's bi-sexuality and goofed on him about that. He told Andy that he doesn't think that there's such thing as a bi-sexual, there's only homo's and non-homo's and Andy is a homo. This went on for about 40 minutes. Andy lost his connection once but called back and continued to argue with Hunter. Andy said he still loves and cares about Lisa and she knows that he'll be there for her if she needs him. They never settled any of the accusations and they were more pissed off at each other by the end of the conversation. Andy told Howard that he's going to change his phone number because of all of this stuff and he's going to move on with his life. Howard had a tough time getting them off the phone. He kept telling the guys that he had to take a break but they just kept arguing. He eventually got them to get off the phone and took a break.
Artie continued to talk about all of the stuff he likes to eat. Gary came in and said he has a 10 pound Nestle's Crunch bar that he wants to sit next to Artie for a few days. Artie looked at the label and it said that it's 90 servings per container. The guys want to see how long that candy bar will last sitting next to Artie.
Howard had Artie get on the scale they still had left from the Bally Total Fitness weight loss challenge. He weighed in at 214 pounds at the end of the challenge a few weeks ago. Today he weighed 230 with clothes on. He started the contest at 225 or so. The guys were amazed that he doesn't weigh more.
And the winner was... Robin's fight with Jackie. Jackie and Robin both accepted their F-Emmy's.
Next category was...
The winner was... The guy who slept with his Grandmother. He was on the phone to accept.
Next up was Crackhead Bob to read the rules. First he had to show off his new tattoo of Fred and Jackie. He just loves to tattoo Stern show members on his arm. The next tattoo to be added to his arm is going to be Gary! That should be interesting! Here were the rules.. although you couldn't understand a word he said...
The next category was:
The winners were.. Kenneth Keith and Captain Janks. The two of them were in to accept their awards. Janks and Kenneth have gotten over their fight and have hung out since then. Back when they had their fight they were calling each drug users but now say that neither of them use drugs.
This next award was something special...
Elephant Boy read some words about Wood Yi and Howard played some of Wood Yi's weather reports. Wood Yi was there live to accept. Wood Yi as usual had some really funny lines for us. He made some jokes about his girlfriend Soon Yee like this one.. 'I'm going to put this(F-Emmy) on the mantle next to the naked polaroids of the little nip that gave her mother a nervous breakdown and almost landed me in the hoosegow' and 'see you later I have a date with a cutie who's farts smell like rice' ... Wow what an acceptance speech!
Well that was it for today but there will be more tomorrow and possibly more next week!
The winner was Mike the listener who called in and really pissed of Fred by bringing up the fight that he and his wife had while at the Rainbow Room with Jackie and his wife. The guy came into the studio to accept his award. Fred once said that he'd kill the guy if he ever saw him in person. Well there was no killing this morning but Fred is still pissed at the guy. We also found out that Fred hasn't worn his wedding ring since the filming of Private Parts started!
And the winner was Tiny Tim of course. Tiny accepted his F-Emmy on the phone. Howard brought up the fact that Tiny was the inspiration for the 'Peeing in the diaper' bit that happened recently. Tiny wears disposable diapers because they're more sanitary.
The winner was Joey Buttafuoco. He was also on the phone to accept his F-Emmy. Joey was calling in from Los Angeles at some party out there. He did his acceptance and Howard also spoke to Mary Jo for a minute. Mr. Fisher wasn't on the phone because Da Da Dopey didn't think he'd come on the phone with Joey after the last nightmare call.
That was it for F-Emmy's today. Maybe more next week.
Gange owes Benjy $1000 for a side bet they had about who would lose the most weight but he hasn't paid it yet. Gange said he's waiting for Benjy to ask for the money. Benjy said he'd do a double or nothing bet with Gange if he wrestles him. Gange said he doesn't even want to touch him though.
Howard spent a short time goofing on KC too. He heard that KC was talking to someone about putting meat in a sauce to season it. Howard asked him what he calls that process. KC said that it's ''serenading'' the meat. Howard talked to him about ''serenading'' his meat and pretended that it was the right way to say it. He then broke the news to him that it's marinade, not serenade. He called KC an idiot and couldn't believe he even got a 720 combined on his SAT scores.
Howard came back from break and told the rest of his story. He and the rest of the crew ended up talking about how Gary got drunk at the play and puked all over the place. Gary said it wasn't ''all over the place'' though. He said he threw up in the bathroom... in the sink because someone was in the stall when he went in there. He said he hadn't eaten all day and he drank too much. That's why he ended up puking. Someone snapped a picture of Gary where he has a little bit of puke on his shirt and they're talking about putting it up on HowardStern.com. Howard seems to think that whenever Gary gets away from his wife he parties. He thinks that he can't stand being with his wife and that's why he's always out partying when his wife isn't around. Gary says he doesn't party whenever he's away from his wife though.
Chaunce Hayden (SteppinOutMagazine.com, ChaunceHayden.com) was also at the play so he called in to talk about it. Howard said Chaunce sent a letter where he talked about the top 10 things that he noticed at the play. Most of it was about Howard so he went through the list with Chaunce. Then Howard got sidetracked because Chaunce had written an article about John Stamos. Chaunce interviewed Stamos and Stamos claims that Howard is a liar about the whole Rebecca getting naked at his apartment thing. Howard said he wasn't even the one who brought it up on the air the time that they talked about it. Howard said it was John who told the story so he doesn't know why he's saying he's a liar. Howard said he thinks that John is mentally ill and now he doesn't want him in his life because of this accusation. Howard said John forgets that he has pictures of Rebecca topless in his apartment and now he's thinking of showing them to someone to prove that he's not a liar. He said he might show them to Robin to prove it. He said he had no plans to ever show them to anyone but now he may have to do that.
Howard also quickly talked about the vibrator thing he started to talk about earlier. He said it wasn't that big of a deal but he and his girlfriend were in a corner playing with this vibrator that was handed out during the play. He made it sound like it wasn't as big of a deal as the other guys were making it out to be.
After taking another break Howard said some of the guys told him how Scott DePace from E! kissed Benjy on the lips as he was leaving the play on Friday night. Scott said it was just a fake kiss because Benjy leaned in like he was going to kiss him. Howard goofed on Scott for a couple of minutes and called him gay a few times before moving on.
Howard went on to read a bunch of e-mails he got after the E! show aired featuring Cabbie and Stuttering John's fight press conference. A lot of people think that John is going to get his ass kicked because Cabbie is so crazy.
Howard said Chris was all dressed up for his promotional tour this morning. When he came in he shook hands with Fred and said he's a big Fred fan. Robin told him that Fred's wife is having a baby so he can relate to that since his wife is having a baby also. Chris said he hasn't had sex in months because of that. Howard asked Chris why he's having a kid. Howard said that Chris isn't happily married so he doesn't know why he's having a kid. Howard said he thought their announcement would be a divorce before a baby. Howard said he was under the impression that he wasn't that happy being married. Chris said that it's all part of his comedy act. Artie pointed out that Chris does a bit about how guys are only as faithful as their options... and to him it looks like Chris has a lot of options.
Chris says that he's going to name his daughter Holiday Rock. They all goofed around with that for a short time.
Howard and Chris discussed money a little bit. Chris said he doesn't make ''Howard money'' but he makes pretty good money. Howard found that hard to believe but Chris reminded him that he's black.
Howard brought up a story in the news about Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock calling off their wedding. Howard predicted that they were going to break up after Pam announced that she has Hepatitis C. He was right and pointed that out while reading the story.
Howard said that Chris has done something to improve his look recently. He said that he must have done something with his teeth. Chris said he did get his teeth fixed but that's it. He hasn't had any other surgery.
Howard spoke to Chris about this new movie ''Bad Company.'' Chris said he's the one who gets paid to be funny in the movie. Anthony Hopkins gets a couple of laughs but he's no supposed to be the funny one. Joel Schumacher directed the movie so Howard asked him what it was like to work with the guy who ruined the ''Batman'' movie. Chris thought it was ruined before Joel directed though. He said there are no musical numbers in the movie and Schumacher didn't have him get in his underwear at all.
Chris has moved out to the suburbs so Howard asked him if he thinks that will ruin his career. He doesn't think that will effect it at all.
Chris couldn't seem to believe that Jackie the Joke Man wasn't returning to the show so Howard explained to him what happened there and said he's never coming back.
Nicolas Cage just dropped in on the show for some reason this morning. Everyone was amazed to see him walk in. Robin said she thought he had a problem with them and that's why he's never done the show. Nic said that he's a big fan of the show but he's never done the show for some reason. Nicolas said he didn't want to take up Chris' time but he ended up sticking around anyway. Howard said he thought that when Nic walked in it was actually his brother Mark Coppola who used to work at his station. Nic said Howard has said some things about Mark in the past... but Howard said that he loved Mark so it was all in fun.
Howard spent a few more minutes talking to Chris about what he's got coming up. Chris said he's going to be doing a movie with Bernie Mac soon.
Nicolas has a movie coming out also so Howard talked about that for a short time. Howard wanted to know why Nic hasn't put him in any of his movies. Nic said that they have talked about how good Howard is as an actor but didn't say why they haven't put him in anything. Nic asked Howard if he'd work with him in the future. Howard said he would do that but he has to have script control and his name has to appear above everyone else's.
Robin and Howard brought up how Nic is dating Lisa Marie Presley. He said the relationship is good but he's not going to talk about his sex life on the show. Howard asked him if it bothers him that Lisa Marie dated Michael Jackson a few years back. Nic said he's heard that Michael is a nice man and he didn't want to bad mouth him.
Chris had to get going so he could go do Regis Philbin's show. Howard said goodbye to Chris and got back to Nic.
Howard asked Nic about the ''Superman'' movie that he was supposed to work with Tim Burton on. Howard thought that Nic as Superman was a great idea. Nic said he wasn't sure what happened there but the movie was shelved. He said he would have loved to have worked with Tim on that one. Nic said he turned down the role of the Green Goblin in the ''Spider-Man'' movie. He said he's no upset about turning it down but he did like the movie.
Howard also spoke to Nic about the rumors that he had a big Elvis collection and he was moving in on his daughter Lisa Marie. Nic said he doesn't have a big Elvis collection. He thinks that Elvis was a great singer but he's not obsessed with him.
Howard had all kinds of info flowing in to his computer about Nic. Nic knew it and wasn't surprised when Howard said he had a list of women that he's dated. Howard said Nic dated Penelope Cruz but he didn't want to talk too much about it for personal reasons.
Howard said there were a lot of phone calls coming in for Nic but some of the topics they wanted to talk to him about weren't true. Stuttering John came in and asked Nic what Sarah Jessica Parker was like in bed. Nic didn't know what to say other than the fact that she's a happily married woman now. Howard went through a couple of the other women he's been with and said that he should hold out for the Olsen twins.
Nic had to get going so Howard let him plug it. Nic's movie ''Wind Talker'' opens next Friday in theaters. Howard spent a short time talking to Nic before ending the interview so Nic could get going.
Howard said she looked really cute this morning. She brought in her Scooby Doo doll that they're going to put out. Howard said it didn't look anything like her. Howard wondered if she gets any money from the sales of the dolls. She said she doesn't and she's not getting any points on the movie either. She said that she's not famous enough for that yet.
Sarah talked about how she's against filming in Canada because it takes jobs away from the people in the United States. She did film Scooby Doo down in Australia though.
Howard said that the reviews of ''Scooby Doo'' are pretty bad but they're saying that Sarah is too good for the role. She said she'll take that.
Howard said that he loves ''Buffy the Vampire Slayer'' and loves her. Sarah said she almost wore a shirt that says ''Howard Loves Me'' on it but it was too cold this morning.
Howard told Sarah that ''Buffy'' was really good this season but there were a couple of bad episodes. He said they should never do another musical episode again. Sarah said she's on the same page as Howard on that one. She didn't seem to think that it was that great either.
Howard talked about how hot Buffy's sister has gotten lately in the show. That led to them talking about hot sisters like The Barbi twins and the Olsen twins. Howard ended up complaining about Jay Leno's interview with them the other day. He said he was the worst interviewer. All he did was ask them about driving when he should have been asking them more about their lives. Howard complained about that for a short time before getting back to Sarah.
Howard asked Sarah if she's planning on leaving ''Buffy'' anytime soon. She said she's not really thinking of doing that yet. She said that if you ask her half way through a season she might say she's ready to quit but by the end of the season she's ready to do another one.
Howard asked Sarah about some of the guys that she's dated and about her fiancee Freddie Prinze Jr. She mentioned Jerry O'Connell as being a friend of hers. Howard said that he deserves to have sex with her before Jerry O'Connell does.
Sarah told Howard that her first on screen kiss was when she was 15 and it was with a 50 year old guy on a soap opera. Howard thought that was really wrong. They moved on to talk more about Freddie Prinze Jr. and their relationship. Sarah said they have already bought a house together and they split that 50/50. She said their business managers handle all of the finances and split everything 50/50. She also told him that they have talked about a pre-nuptial agreement but haven't settled on anything yet. She seems to think that Paul McCartney not signing a pre-nuptial is kind of crazy.
Howard asked Sarah how she met Freddie and how long it took for her to be attracted to him. She said he wasn't single at the time so she had to wait for that to happen.
Howard was bouncing from one thing to another during the interview. Robin also brought up a few things to mix it up. Robin wondered what the problem was with Susan Lucci when they worked together on a soap opera. She didn't want to bad mouth her on the air apparently.
Howard asked Sarah about her boobs and if she'd ever get implants. She said she'd never do that and hers are just fine the way they are. She said they're nice and firm the way they are now. Howard asked how big Freddie is in his pants. She said she has no complaints.
Sarah told Howard how she commuted between L.A. and Australia while she was filming ''Scooby Doo'' and ''Buffy.'' She said she took commercial flights because she doesn't like flying private jets. She said they're too cramped while Quantas has sleeper seats where you can lay down.
Howard spent a short time talking about the new movie and the bad reviews it's getting. She started to say that Howard's movie ''Private Parts'' got bad reviews but Howard told her it got great reviews. She then told Howard that she's seen ''Private Parts'' about 30 times. She loved it. Sarah told Howard that ''Scooby Doo'' really is a good kids movie and there is some stuff for the guys to see. She wears short skirts and there's lots of cleavage for the men to see.
Howard asked Sarah if she's blonde all over and if she shaves completely. She said she's not blonde but she does wax completely.
Howard was surprised to find out that Sarah isn't making huge money working on ''Buffy'' which has been on the air for 7 years now. Howard figured she'd be getting like half a million but she said it's not even close to that. One of the guys came in and said that their research says that she makes between $100,000 and $150,000 per episode. Howard said that's pretty good money but not for a hit show like that. Sarah told Howard to give the producers of the show a call to complain about it. Howard told her that's her agents job though.
Sarah seemed to be having a good time talking about all of this stuff with Howard. He didn't bother taking any phone calls for some reason. Sarah mentioned something about possibly adopting kids some day. Howard asked her if she was going to adopt some black kids like Steven Speilberg and Tom Cruise did. She said it would probably be Korean girls that they would adopt. Howard and Artie played around with that concept for a couple of minutes before Howard wrapped up the interview.
Howard says that he doesn't have a complaint about his divorce settlement. He said that his wife was very reasonable with her demands but other people aren't so lucky.
Howard said he warned all of the retards there, like Stuttering John and Gary, and they didn't listen to him. John says that Howard had him fooled because he seemed so happy in his marriage. Now Howard says he sees Artie with love in his eye and he's afraid it's going to happen to him. John said he's seen how in love Artie is and he's already willing to give her anything she wants. Howard said he could easily talk Artie out of marrying this girl. Artie said he didn't want him to do that though. Howard said he could even talk him out of dating her. Artie didn't want that. Howard did it anyway. He pointed out how this woman turned him down a few times at this bar they went to. Howard started to point all of this stuff out but Gary was giving Howard a look like he should stop before Artie lost it. Howard stopped and Robin told him he could have ''ruined'' Artie if he'd continued. Howard went on to tell Artie that his girlfriend still has to prove to HIM that she loves Artie. Howard said he'll know when the time is right for him to marry her. He told Artie to just enjoy dating her for now.
Howard said that when Gary gets divorced he's going to go to court with him and point out how much work he does. He said that Gary not only makes all of the money but also baby sits for his kids and gets his balls busted at work all the time.
One of Artie's best friends called in and said that Artie is really happy with this woman and he's glad to see him like that. Howard said that it's probably true but he shouldn't rush to get married.
After taking a break Howard came back and said that on tonight's E! show they'll have Kristen getting farted on by Dan the Farter. She ended up winning tickets to the big fight last week.
Howard went through a few news stories he wanted to talk about. He brought up this Woody Allen story where he's suing a movie producer but wants to remain friends with her for some reason. Howard talked about how bad Woody's movies have been lately and how he can't believe that this producer would put up the money for the movies. He said just the fact that she could sit through the movies is amazing.
Howard talked about how Evel Knievel wants to do one last jump to promote the opening of a restaurant he's got in Las Vegas. Howard said the guy is 63 years old and every bone has already been broken in his body. Evel hasn't decided what he's going to jump yet so Howard said he thinks that he's going to try to jump Star Jones. Howard said her ass crack is like the Bermuda Triangle.
Howard took some more phone calls. One woman called in and told Artie not to get married. She said that marriage is huge and there's no need to do it.
Yucko the Clown (YuckoTheClown.com) called in to thank Howard for being at the fight last week. He was pretty mellow this morning for some reason. He honked his horn a few times but didn't really go off on his racial stuff like he usually does.
A couple of other listeners called in and told Artie not to get married. Artie never said he was going to get married so he just yells out ''Who's getting married!?'' One woman said that she doesn't know why people are telling him not to get married because it's going to give him a bad impression. Howard said that he never told Artie not to get married, he just wants him to be aware that marriage is a business agreement and he should know what he's getting into. Another woman called in and said that if any woman deserves money in a marriage it was Alison, Howard's ex-wife. Alison got lucky because she didn't know Howard was going to be as big as he is now. Howard said he wanted to get off the subject to he wrapped it up with attorney Dominic Barbara. Dominic said that they do all pre-nuptials on video tape so they can't dispute anything. He went on to say that you really can't micro-manage a marriage. You can't set taking care of kids and stuff like that in a pre-nuptial. That has to be settled after it happens.
A woman called in to tell Howard that he's going to win the beauty pageant against Chaunce Hayden tomorrow. He said that he knows he's not a good looking guy and if someone like KC or even Fred wanted to compete against him in a beauty pageant, he'd give the win to them. Chaunce is another story though because Howard thinks he's such an ugly looking guy. They keep bringing up the ''mongoloid'' look that he has. Howard ended up giving the woman who called in a $1000 prize courtesy of ''Stargate SG1'' on the Sci-Fi network. She was very appreciative and told Howard how much she loves him.