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Howard started off talking about how much it sucks to have to get up so early to do his show. He went on to talk about the movie ''The Incredibles'' and how it made $70 million over the weekend. Robin told the guys the plot line of the movie and Howard didn't think it would do that well. He said he doesn't like that super heroes are forced to lose their powers in the movie. They should be there to serve mankind in his opinion. Howard congratulated the people at Pixar for doing so well with the movie this past weekend.
Artie let Howard and Robin know that he's back to betting on football and he's back to losing money. He didn't bet all that much though because his bookie has some legal problems right now. He's apparently under house arrest. Artie put it a different way and said that ''he's got some new jewelry.'' That led to the guys talking about some of the football games that were on over the weekend. Howard also went to see the Knicks basketball game on Saturday night. He watched them get beaten by the Celtics. It was a fun game to watch but it was such a blow out that Howard had to leave in the third period. He and Beth went out to dinner instead. Howard said he was walking into the game and heard the Olsen Twins' names being yelled out. He'd had them on the show many years ago and heard that one of them was a fan of the show. He said that they're really short and they look like really tiny girls. Artie saw them at Nobu not too long ago and he was amazed at how small they were. Howard talked about how they walk kind of hunched over and one of them looks like a mess. He went up and said hello to them but got pretty much nothing back from them. They apparently acted like they were too good for everyone. Howard went up in an elevator with them and they didn't say a word to him the whole time. They all went to watch the game after that and sat right up front. He loves sitting right there in the front. Spike Lee was there but he didn't say a word to him. He spotted the Olsen Twins and got distracted by them the whole time. He wanted to see what they were up to and saw that they were ordering tons of food. They were apparently eating a lot of food so Howard wondered if that was planned. Artie said it must have been planned, just like Calista Flockhart years ago when she'd go to a baseball game and they'd show her eating hot dogs all the time.
Howard said the four chairs next to him were all empty for some reason. He figured someone was just late getting to the game. He got a wave from Walt Frasier who was doing the play-by-play and he thought that was pretty cool. He's been a fan of Walt's for a long time. Two dudes came in and sat down next to him during the game but they got thrown out by the usher because they weren't supposed to be there. Howard was glad that happened because they were really getting annoying. He said one the guys reminded him of Cabbie because he was really loud. He heard some commotion while the game was going on and then saw that Paris Hilton came in and sat next to them. He wished that he'd brought his daughter with him because she wanted to meet Paris. She said hi to Howard and ''hi beautiful'' to Beth. It came off kind of sarcastic to him so it was ruining the game. She had about 20 people with her and there was a lot of commotion going on there. She pulled out her diamond encrusted Blackberry phone and instant messaging her friends the whole time. She wasn't even watching the game. Howard said there were people there, up in the rafters, who were probably ready to kill her because of that. Howard said Paris did look hot though. She was wearing hair extensions that didn't look so good but she was wearing some hot clothes.
Beth told Howard that Michael Rosenbaum, the guy who plays Lex Luthor on ''Smallville,'' was two rows behind them. Howard turned around and said hello to him. The guy thanked Howard for talking about the show all the time. ''Lex'' was eating chocolate chip cookies so Howard wondered how he stays in shape eating crap like that. After that a camera guy came over and shot him for the jumbo tron. He couldn't say no to them so he let them put his face up on the TV. He felt good about that because they didn't ask Paris to put her up there. He kept a stoic face for a few seconds, then thought it would be better to wave. Then he looked up at the jumbo tron and saw his big adams apple up there and started to laugh. It was a bad idea to wave. Other than that he enjoyed watching the game. He saw that Woody Allen looked kind of pissed that the team was losing though.
Howard said that a guy asked him to take a picture with Paris Hilton. He said yes to the guy even though he wasn't talking to Paris the whole night. Beth thought that was kind of weird because now it's going to look like he went to the game with Paris and not her. He thought it was kind of strange as well because it makes it look like he's partying with her. All he could think about was the porn movie where she's giving her boyfriend oral. He wanted to lean over and congratulate her on that but she might have taken it as an insult. He was also thinking about how she uses the N-word to describe black guys and he's taking pictures with her. He said he does love to watch those games though.
Artie said he heard a story he heard about Jack Nicolson getting a chick's phone number during a game one time and after he got it, he held it up and the crowd cheered. He thought that was pretty funny. Howard said he thought he was going to open up the paper on Sunday and see a picture of himself with Paris but that didn't happen. He was pictures with Beth and Paris was in a different picture.
Howard tried to take a phone call from Jeff the Drunk but his phone system didn't seem to be working. High Pitch Erik was on the next line though so the phone's were working. High Pitch asked Howard to do an F***, Marry, Kill with the Olsen Twins and Paris Hilton. Howard said he'd off the Twins and keep Paris because she's better looking. Chaunce Hayden called in next and told Howard that ''The Incredibles'' was a cute movie but it wasn't all that great. Howard said he's kind of sick of seeing these Pixar movies getting 4 star reviews all the time. Howard was about to hang up on Chaunce but he mentioned seeing a hot local anchor by the name of Liz Cho or something like that. Howard said he hasn't been watching the local news lately. He did mention that Julie Chen, who is Les Moonves' girlfriend, is looking pretty hot these days. Howard said he's never had an Asian chick himself. Artie said he has and she used her hand on him and finished him off within seconds. Howard said it's amazing how those chicks know how to handle a guy. Artie said it happened up in Toronto and it was the best place because there was a great place to get an eclair nearby. Howard had to take a commercial break so he had to let Chaunce go.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said he heard some rumors that Viacom is looking to buy Sirius to take advantage of Howard leaving the company. Howard said he hasn't heard those rumors and Robin said that she has heard other rumors about Viacom buying some Spanish stations. The caller said he went ahead and bought some Sirius stock because Howard is going there. The caller told Artie not to pull a ''John Belushi'' and to hang in there as long as he can.
Howard talked about the big poker game he went to on Friday night. Artie didn't go so Howard wondered what was up with that. Artie was out celebrating his girlfriend's birthday that night. He said that he got her a necklace from Tiffany and dropped a few thousand on that. Howard guessed that it was in the $7-8000 range. He wondered if Artie was able to pick it out himself or if he had to have someone help him out. Artie knows he can't pick it out himself so he asked a bunch of women who walked by if they liked it. They all liked it and the sales woman helped him out with it after that. Artie liked it as well so he got it for her.
Howard talked about the Texas Holdem game that he played in and how it was a $500 buy in. He was doing pretty good and he made it to the end of the game with his buddy Booker. In the last hand he got beaten. That was the first game, the second game he didn't even bother to play. He went over to Scores after that. There was a guy playing with them who is almost a pro and he was amazed at how well Howard was doing. Howard had some fun at Scores that night and thanked Lonnie for everything. He didn't get into too many details about that.
Howard brought up this story about Tara Reid and how she had pictures taken at a P. Diddy party. She has huge implants now and she's basically just a big joke now. She was wearing this dress with no bra and one of her boobs ended up falling out of the dress. Howard said it's not even a good looking boob though. She didn't realize that the boob was out and yelled at the photographers for taking her picture. Howard said the weird part is that she's got really weird areolas (AwfulPlasticSurgery.com). She's got big scars around them. Gary said that you also see veins and stuff around them and they just look awful. Howard said that it looks like the doctor took off the whole areola to put those giant implants in and that's where the scars came from. Gary said that there's actually video of the whole thing and Tara wasn't the one who realized her boob was out, it was a publicist. Howard said that her boobs are like porno star boobs, and he figures she'll eventually do porn. Everyone in the studio was checking out the implants and talking about how bad they looked.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Howard if he's ever thought about having a threesome with his girlfriend and someone else. Howard said he's offered up a bunch of women to Beth and she just says ''no'' to all of them. She's not into any women he asked her about. She did say that she likes this one woman, Vera, but he knows that will never happen. It's a friend of theirs and Beth told him that she wasn't really serious about it anyway. He'd like to hook her up with a Scores girl or something but that won't happen either. Howard said he did have Beth at Scores one night and he ''popped his cork'' just watching the girls giving Beth a dance. He felt like he was 13 again when that happened. There was also that time when Rebecca Romijn-Stamos was up at his apartment. Nothing happened between them but the two girls got topless. Howard said that it was Rebecca's birthday over the weekend so he and Beth called and left a message for her where they sang Happy Birthday to her. She never called them back so they're thinking they might have done something wrong. Howard figures that maybe Jerry O'Connell won't let her call them or something weird like that. He saw a picture of Jerry in the news the other day and he had a hickey on his neck. Howard thinks that's making Rebecca look like she's a little ''man hungry'' for some reason. Howard thinks that she should have waited a few months before she started going after guys the way she is. He thinks that Jerry probably erased his message before Rebecca even got to listen to it.
Howard asked the guys what they wanted to hear next. He had tape of Mark Harris calling Vinnie Favale to tell him that he wants to replace Howard when he leaves for Sirius. Howard saw that Ryan Starr was there so he had to get to her but he gave Robin a taste of the Mark harris tape. Vinnie called him at his place and he was in the bathtub. He cut it off after hearing Mark get out of the tub to get on a regular phone. He gave Robin another taste of what they had when he played a little bit of Mark talking about which guys on the show turn him on. Mark said that he'd be afraid to let Gary go down on him because of his teeth. Mark said he'd never sleep with Artie, he'd just take him to a buffet and let him eat. Artie was surprised that he was that nice to him. Mark said that he wouldn't want to wake up with Howard in his bed the next morning. It sounded like he'd like to party with him though and get a hold of his money. Howard wanted to do more but he had to wait until later in the show, after Ryan Starr. He said that she's the funniest person on ''The Surreal Life'' because she thinks she's so famous. Howard had to take a break before getting to Ryan but he also had to know what Mark Harris said about Fred. Mark said that Fred is a non-entity and he's uglier than sin. He even went as far as to say that Fred is a reason to believe in abortions. He then got to the tape of what Mark had to say about Ronnie the Limo Driver. He said that he's a very nice guy and he's very pleasant to deal with. Mark said that he'd never sleep with him because he's too old... but he did give him a score of 10 on a scale of 1 to 10. Howard went to break after that.
Ryan said that she and Flavor Flav had a great discussion when they went on a date one night but they won't show that on The Surreal Life for some reason. She said she learned a lot from him that night. Howard told Ryan about Flavor Flav and Brigitte Nielson coming on the show a couple of months back and how crazy that was. Ryan said that being around Brigitte is crazy because she just does whatever she wants to do. Ryan told Howard and Robin that they edited ''The Surreal Life'' in a way that made it look like she didn't perform at some event that she was willing to perform at. She said that they made it seem like she wasn't around but she was.
Howard said he was driving around in the car with his 11 year old daughter, Ashley, and they were listening to Z-100 and Ryan Seacrest came on. Ryan told Kelly Clarkson that her song was number 1 and Howard couldn't believe it. Not only that, the song was written by Avril Lavigne. He didn't know that she was still relevant though. Ryan told Howard that she's got a new album out but it's tough to get her songs played on radio. Howard and Robin told Ryan that she should just do a couple of pop songs first and then do what she really wants to do once she gets a couple of hits. Ryan said she's into rock and doesn't want to do that stuff.
Howard was reading a blind item in Page Six recently and he thought that it was Ryan. He read the story and thought that it was Ryan who might be a lesbian. Ryan said that she's not a lesbian. She dated a guy for a year but he broke her 19 year old heart. Ryan claims that she and the guy didn't do anything sexual so Howard figured that's why the guy bailed. She said that she's really not a dirty, trampy girl. Gary wanted to know if she's still a virgin but she said it was none of his business. She said that she has ''fooled around'' but wouldn't talk about whether or not she's had sex. Howard said he doesn't even get a sexual vibe from Ryan. She said that she does like guys and does get turned on by them, she's just not going out and having sex with a bunch of guys.
Howard gave Ryan a plug for the calendar she's appearing in, the 2005 Sexiest Women of Reality TV calendar, which is available at RealityTVStuff.com. Gary came in and asked her if she was entertaining an offer to appear in Playboy. She said she did get an offer but she already turned it down. She said she just can't do it. She did appear in Stuff magazine and she said they airbrushed her boobs to make them look really big. She said her mother asked her where she got them after seeing the pictures.
A phone caller asked Ryan about what kind of underwear she was wearing today. She said that it was a thong but that was as much detail as she'd give. Zolar called in and asked her if she ever thought about Flavor Flav as being a ''nig*er.'' She said that she doesn't think that way. Zolar told Ryan that he wanted to take her out after that racist comment so she told him he didn't sound like her type. Howard moved on to another couple of calls after that. One guy said that Ryan sounds like an imbecile and Howard should get her off the air. Ryan thought that most of the callers that call his show are really mean. There were a couple of nice ones though so she couldn't say that they were all negative. Howard wrapped up after that and gave Ryan another plug for the calendar. Ryan said that you can get her single ''My Religion'' on iTunes as well.
Chaunce Hayden called in and told Howard he would give Ryan the cover of ''Steppin' Out'' and a six page spread in the magazine if she was willing to get in the tickle chair. Howard thought that would be kind of strange so he didn't even want to do that. He talked about some of the stuff they had coming up later in the show.
Howard talked about Yassir Arafat and how he's dying but doesn't want to dye on a Jewish holiday. Howard said that's impossible because any day that he dies will become a Jewish holiday. Some people are saying that it's possible that Arafat was poisoned by the Israeli's because they're unable to figure out what illness he's suffering from. The guys talked about that for a couple of minutes and then moved on to some other stuff.
Howard had a bunch of stuff to get to. He had a new song parody that Fred put together called ''Imus Dead Or Alive'' to the tune of Bon Jovi's ''Wanted Dead or Alive.'' He played that first. Fred did his great impression during the song. After that he played a prank call that Gary the Retard and Wendy the Retard made to a hillbilly. The three of them were arguing about the Presidential election. They also asked the guy if he was a fan of Howard Stern's. The guy said that Howard is gay so Wendy and Gary tried to defend him. They were smart enough to realize that the guy was drunk so they asked him about his drinking as well. Artie called Gary and Wendy the ''Retarded Jerky Boys.''
Howard changed subjects and said that he was talking about this Sirius satellite thing but his company doesn't want him doing that on the air. Howard thought about going on a TV show to talk about it instead. He thought about going on David Letterman's show to talk about it but Dave never lets him talk long enough. Then he thought about going on a low rated show like Charlie Rose instead. He talked about that on Friday and after the show he heard from John McEnroe's people who said that he could come on that show. Gary said that the show is so low rated that it was beaten by a show about how to boil water one time. Howard said that show might be too low rated. John Favreau called and asked if he wanted to do his show, ''Dinner for Five.'' That's another show that's too low rated for Howard. Howard said that Jimmy Kimmel wrote him a note and suggested that he come on his show. That's another low rated show that he completely forgot about. He said that Letterman's people offered him a full hour but that doesn't include all of the bits and the band that they have during that show. Howard wants to really sit down and talk about everything and how it should happen. He has this deal with ABC that he could use to get the word out. He's thinking of having Barbara Walters interview him and then cut it up. Gary told Howard that he should do Kimmel's show because he thought it was a live show. Howard said it's not a live show anymore because Jimmy got himself in trouble somehow.
Artie told Howard that he should do Oprah. Howard said she won't let him come on her show. She also doesn't have low ratings. Howard wants to just do one show and get his message out. He doesn't want to do a bunch of shows. Howard and Robin are pretty sure that Oprah doesn't like Howard at all. Howard also said he thought about renting out a Broadway theater and just having an audience every night with people who could ask him questions. The phone caller also asked if anyone else on the show is working out a contract to follow him over to Sirius. Howard said they're getting a whole show together over there so, yes, they are. Howard is looking forward to the move so he can speak the way he wants and use the C-word if he wants to.
All of that led to Howard talking about how the FCC came after him and how the future isn't looking good for free speech with this new Indecency bill that the President is going to eventually sign into law. Another phone caller told Howard that he should do an infomercial for the Sirius thing instead of going on another show. Howard said he might do something like that for the web.
Howard took a quick call from a former intern who now works for Access Hollywood. She said that Howard should come on their show to do the Sirius thing. Howard said that they only show like 3 seconds of an interview on that show. He's not going to do that with them. Howard told her that he needs a full hour to talk to his audience. He went to commercial after that.
Howard got back to Jessica's story about Nick Lachey. She said that she did get to talk to Nick a little bit before she went in to do her lesbian show with another woman. The show lasted for about an hour and a half while Nick and all of the other guys watched. Jessica doesn't know if Nick was playing with himself during that show because her head was turned. She claims that Nick did place money on her but that was about all of the contact she had with him.
Howard read that Jessica used to teach young kids in school. She said that she used to dress down quite a bit so she didn't look the way she looks now. Jessica told Howard the some of the parents now know what she does. Howard wanted to get Jessica into their new RoboSpanker machine. She's the first woman to get into the machine. She went over and Gary had to show her how she was supposed to be in there. Howard said he read that she used to play piano when she was younger so he was going to have her try and play it while she got spanked. She was able to play it just fine but it was echoing for some reason. Howard had Jason take a picture of her for the instant upload to his bulletin board. He was kind of aggravated by the piano not working so he asked Jessica some questions instead. He asked her if she knew who came up with the theory of relativity. She said she didn't know because she really wanted to get spanked. Howard hit his remote and gave her a whack on the ass. She said it really hurt too. That was after the guys turned the power down to ''low'' on the RoboSpanker. Howard asked her another question which was ''What American town is nicknamed Tinseltown?'' She didn't know so Howard gave her another whack from the RoboSpanker. She was then asked ''What day is set aside for planting trees?'' She didn't know so Howard gave her a break and asked her to spell ''Forty.'' She spelled it ''FORTY.'' Howard had to give her another whack with the RoboSpanker. Artie was laughing hysterically as that went on.
Howard wanted to give Jessica a plug so he asked her to spell forty again. She was able to do it this time so Howard gave her a break and didn't give her another whack. She's going to be appearing tomorrow night at the Hustler Club in New York City. He gave her a plug for her web site JessicaJaymes.com. Howard asked her to spell another word but she misspelled it. He was going to give her another whack but she asked him not to do it again. Howard told her to hurry up and get out of there before he whacked her again. She hopped out and was on the verge of crying from the pain. Before she left, Artie asked her if they could see her breasts. She showed them no problem so Artie asked if he could feel them. She said that he could feel them if he wanted. Gary asked her to get completely naked so she did that as well. Artie went over and felt her up a few seconds later. He said they were nice and soft and they were definitely saline. He suggested that Howard go over and cop a feel as well. Howard ran over and felt her up as well. He went to break right after that.
Howard and Artie talked a little more about Jessica Jaymes who was a great guest to have in the RoboSpanker. Robin said you have to see the paddle coming down on her ass because it was pretty intense. A phone caller told Howard that he was in a car accident and when he woke up, he didn't have any legs. Howard wanted to give him a prize but he didn't have any to give him. Artie did his ''Wah, wah'' thing with the guy a little bit. The caller said that he still has a chick though. Howard said that's the great thing about women, they'll stick with you through stuff like that. Howard wouldn't stay with Beth if she lost her legs. Howard said Beth had a zit this weekend and when she asked him if he'd leave her over something like that, he said he might if it got bigger. The caller said one of his legs was gone from the knee down and one was above the knee. He claims that he's been told that he may be able to walk one day but he's not really thinking about it now. Howard told the guy they'll take his number and call him back the next time they have a game to play.
Another phone caller told Howard that he lost part of his penis over in Iraq. He lost his left testicle and 3/4 of his penis as well as part of his leg. He also lost his wife over there. The guy said he has two kids from her and he can see her when he looks into their eyes. The guy said he won't be able to use his penis again and he's confined to a wheelchair. Now he's got to pee into a bucket or something because of it as well. The guy is on disability for the rest of his life, his house was robbed a few days ago and things aren't going his way. He's only 36 and he won't be able to have sex again. Howard said that's the worst. He gave him a $500 prize, even though he told the other caller he didn't have anymore. This prize was courtesy of ''Seed of Chucky.'' Howard talked about how messed up that is because there's no reason for those guys to be over in Iraq. Howard had Robin start her news after that. They wrapped up the show around 10:45am.
Howard said he was very cranky this morning because he didn't get any sleep last night. He was up at 3 in the morning and didn't go back to sleep. Artie wondered why he didn't just take an Ambien. Howard is afraid that he won't be able to wake up after taking one. He said he woke up to go pee last night and just couldn't go back to sleep. He said he'll be fine eventually when he forgets about it. Howard's breakfast also wasn't there yet so that doesn't help matters. Then he heard from Gary that the Best of Stern shows they're going to play during the holidays had to be reviewed with Tom and Dead Air Dave yesterday. They have to butcher them up because of everything going on with the FCC. They had to cut out any reference to ''anal'' now. The shows are from 2002 but they have to censor them because the FCC goes back years now to fine his show. Gary came in and said that Tom doesn't want to do the censoring but they have to do that stuff. Howard said he just has to get out of there. He's heard rumors that Infinity wants Sirius to buy out his contract so he can start early over there. Sirius isn't ready for him to make the move yet though so they're willing to wait. He's thinking that the big push is for Sirius to pay some big bucks to get him out of there as soon as possible as long as the company gets money. Gary said they've thought about how much money the company could make in the next year that they'd be turning down if they did that. It could be something like $50 million and Sirius isn't going to pay something like that.
Gary said that he's been asked by some people that wonder why Howard is still there and the company hasn't gotten rid of them yet. Howard said that he's not sure about that either and that they really should just get rid of him already. Gary wondered if Howard talks to anyone high up at the company. Howard said that he doesn't and that they're doing some really crappy things behind the scenes that's not so cool. He said this stuff almost happened about 5 years ago when he was offered the chance to be on satellite. Back then the equipment wasn't really available yet, it was still in prototype form. He went to Mel (Karmazin) and Mel told him he really didn't have anyplace to go. He convinced Howard to stay on with the company and that's what he did. Mel told him that if he could get more money doing satellite, then he should go. He couldn't believe that the company would want him to leave when they could take advantage of him working for them and make more money. Howard said that Joel Hollender at Viacom told him that it's too expensive to put him on in more markets. He said he had to make his move out of broadcast radio to satellite because of all of those kinds of things. He said he heard from both satellite companies and he thought about what to do and eventually made his decision to go to Sirius. While all of that was going on, the FCC was fining his company and his show had to be censored.
Howard talked about how they're able to build the radios now for satellite and the technology is available to everyone. He thinks that the programming is great and he's seen the way things work over at Sirius and it's great. Howard thinks that he would have left Infinity no matter what after his contract was up because of everything that was going on. If satellite wasn't available, he thinks he still would have left because of everything going on with the FCC and the government trying to pass new indecency bills. Howard said he likes being at his station right now, he just doesn't like the attitude coming from management. He asked them to just stop it because he's done nothing wrong. Nothing illegal was done and they're freaking out over nothing.
A listener called in and told Howard to stop whining about this stuff. He told Howard that it was played out and he should just do comedy. Howard played a gay porn clip for the guy and asked him if he likes it. The guy said that was good but he wasn't aware that it was a gay porn clip. Howard said he thought he was letting people in on some inside information but that guy just didn't care. Another caller asked Howard if the government will ever be able to regulate the satellite industry. Howard said anything is possible but he doesn't see it happening. He said that he doesn't anticipate anything like that because people have to pay for the service. The caller also asked Howard about the satellite signal and if you can get reception in basements and places like that in the city. Howard wasn't sure about that but he thinks that people will be able to get the signal. He couldn't talk too much about that because that's what the company gets upset about. Howard took another call from a guy who said that he has satellite in the lobby of the hotel he works in and he loves it. Howard talked a little bit about that but managed to get the delay hit on him for some reason. He may have mentioned Sirius too much. Howard was wondering what a sub-basement is because one of the callers brought that up. Artie told him it's a place that's more like a crawlspace than a basement. Howard thought that would be kind of depressing to work in a place like that.
Tom Chiusano came in to talk about the sub-basement thing but Howard ended up talking to him about the Texas Holdem game they played on Friday. Howard beat him in the game and said that he was the only one willing to sit next to Tom. He said he likes Tom but no one else wanted to sit next to him for some reason. Howard said that he needs a guy like Tom to sit there with him and play the game because he takes it seriously. That's how Howard likes to play and that's why he likes to play with Tom. The other guys who play are just not into the game as much as Tom. Howard said that guys like Vinnie Favale and Ralph Cirella just aren't into the game. Howard's buddy Richie Notar isn't into the game as much either. Booker is good according to Howard and Tom. Howard said that Frank Flores and Vinnie Favale end up talking too much when they're together. Tom told Howard that he played a game last night and ended up losing the game. He's really into Texas Holdem. Artie told Tom that gambling just becomes pain.
Howard was asked by a caller to replay the song parody that he played yesterday called ''Duckula'' to the tune of Rob Zombie's ''Dragula.'' It features Aurora Snow gagging clips put over the song. King of All Blacks called in and told Howard that he appreciates that he's filling everyone in on what's going on in his life. King was on the street sweeper this morning and told Howard that he's retiring next year. Howard wondered how he can give up a life like that to have a life of relaxing. He had to take a break after that but King wouldn't let him go. He asked Howard to come up with a show called ''Ask that nig*er'' where people could call in and ask him questions. King said he has ideas for the show and he wants to talk to Howard off the air about that stuff.
Howard talked football a little bit after that. Gary was in to talk about the Jets and Giants and what they're up to. All of the guys got in on the discussion and spent a couple of minutes on that.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk who said that he's addicted to the Xbox. He said he played for 7 hours yesterday. Howard wondered how he's able to play with only one arm. Jeff said he's able to do it somehow. That's the life that Howard and Artie are trying to get and they just can't make that happen. Artie said that Jeff has that life. Howard wondered if Jeff thinks about how he could contribute to his mother's financial well being. Jeff says that he does contribute as much as he can. Jeff says he never thinks about getting a job and contributing even more to his family. The guys goofed on him a little bit about the trailer that they had to move into recently. Jeff said that he might be going to his brother's house to hang out so Howard and the guys asked him about his brother's kids and what they think of the way he acts. Jeff said the kids are like 21 years old and they're fine with everything. Jeff told Howard that he's averaged about 5 hours a day on the Xbox for the past few days. He also said that they could have him on satellite for an ''Ask the Drunk'' show like King of All Blacks asked for earlier. Gary asked Jeff why he doesn't sell the Xbox to help his family out financially. Jeff said he sold the second one he had. Howard let him go after that.
Richard Branson came in a short time later. Howard asked him what it's like to be a billionaire like he is. Richard started to speak and Howard said he forgot the guy had an accent. Richard told Howard that he was on his show about 10 years ago but Howard didn't remember that either. Howard said if he had the money that Richard has, he'd never go up in a hot air balloon like he does. He's also working on a space ship that will take people into orbit for a short time. Howard wondered who's going to take that trip and why they would do that. Richard said that there are a lot of people out there who want to make that trip and this will be the start of it. Richard said that Dick Rutan is the guy who is working on Space Ship 1 and they're building five of the ships for Virgin Atlantic Airways. They will have 5 seats per ship and they'll be able to take some people up to space. The ships will be launched from a mother ship once it gets up high enough. Howard read that the inventor discovered a way to make the ship turn into a shuttlecock-like craft that gently comes back into the atmosphere. Richard said that eventually they'd like to be able to take people to the moon to visit. He sees hotels on the moon and in space and they'll eventually be able to fly them there.
Howard read some stuff about Richard and how he used to get a rash when he had sex with his wife. He said that he had to get a circumcision at the age of 21 because of the rashes he was getting. After getting the circumcision, he watched Barberella the next day and split the stitches. He said it did help out with the rashes he was getting though. Howard wondered if sex was better with or without the circumcision. Richard said it's very good with the circumcision so he'd have to go with that. Howard said he believes that the foreskin is there for a reason and if he had a son, he probably wouldn't have him circumcised. Richard said it really wasn't that different one way or the other.
Howard asked Richard about when he made his first billion. That was when he sold his record company. He'd made his first million when he was in his teens. Artie told Richard how great his airline is because he took a first class flight to England one time and it was amazing. Richard liked to hear that stuff coming from the guys. Howard asked Richard about the TV show he has coming out and what that's all about. Richard said that the challenges they have on the show are pretty intense and people will have to watch to see what happens in the end.
Howard pointed out that Richard's record company had to pass on The Police when they first came out. He also read that Richard was kicked out of school one time because he'd hooked up with the Head Master's daughter. He also talked to Richard about what his kids are going to be doing. Richard said that his daughter is studying to be a doctor. Gary had a few things that he asked about and then noticed that Richard had something written on his left hand. Richard said that he had written ''Artie and Robin'' on his hand just in case he forgot their names. He also had some notes about the bands that they have on their label.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and asked Richard why he has to go into something like this when he's got so much money already. Richard said he's doing it for publicity because his company, Virgin, has a few new things coming out soon and it allows him to get the word out in this country. A few other callers had some questions and comments for Richard as well. Captain Janks asked him about how Richard's company owned the Rolling Stones. Richard said that they sold off the Rolling Stones years ago to get money to finance other things. That's when he made his first billion dollars. Howard asked him about how many homes he owns and how long he's been with his wife. Richard said he had a few homes and he's been with his wife for 30 years now. She's pretty cool and keeps him in his place. Howard wanted to know if he's faithful or not. Richard said he is faithful but Howard figured he has a deal worked out with her that allows him to be with other women. Howard gave Richard a plug for his show ''The Rebel Billionaire'' which airs tonight at 8 on FOX. They had to go to commercial break after that.
Howard took a phone call from another guy who said he had all of his buddies hooked up with Sirius radio. Another caller told Howard he went on Howard's web site to see pictures of Jessica Jayne and thought she was really hot. That led to Howard talking about how she was just about crying after she got spanked by the RoboSpanker. Howard also talked about how they have the ability to upload pictures to his bulletin board right away now so that's what they've been doing lately. The caller told Howard how much he's looking forward to him going to Sirius so Howard told him it could happen sooner than he thinks. Robin said she's got Sirius and she loves it. Howard said that Scott DePace also got it and is loving it as well. Howard is still thinking about what show to go on to get the word out about what's going on with his show and his move to satellite. He's still not sure if he's going to do Letterman, Kimmel or some other show. He's pretty sure that both of those shows are out at this point. He needs a full hour interview so he needs to find a show that he can do that on.
Howard read a story in the news about a 29 year old woman who has been sleeping with an 8 year old boy. Howard said the woman is pretty hot too. She's ruined the kid's life and even Howard said that if something like that happened to him at that age, he'd be screwed up. He wasn't really sure about that though because he was way into sex even at that age. He was calling drug stores asking for rubbers. He said he still has tape of that stuff from back then. He'd disguise his voice as a woman and he'd ask the guy if he had any ''scum bags.'' Howard got back to the story about the woman who slept with the 8 year old. Howard said he thinks that if a woman had led him through having sex at that age, he would have kept his mouth shut. He went through the rest of the article and found out that the kid is trying to get back to normal. Dominic Barbara called in and said that this is not ''banging'' like Howard was saying, he said that it's abuse. Kids don't know what they're doing so it's abuse but Howard said he's pretty sure he would have been able to get through it if something like that happened. Howard wondered what would make a woman do something like that. Dominic said it usually comes from the people having been abused as kids themselves. Dominic also tried to make some jokes about the whole thing but they just weren't funny.
A woman called in and said that she thinks that Howard is going to have a big effect on regular radio when he moves to satellite. Howard can't agree with her about that so he says that he's not going to have an effect. The woman didn't understand that he was trying to make his company happy by saying that satellite won't have any effect on regular radio. The woman kept telling Howard that he doesn't know the effect he's going to have.
Howard said that he hasn't watched ''Cops'' much lately but he loves the show. J.D. recorded an episode this weekend and they tazered a guy at one point and it was pretty funny. Howard played the clip and the guy screamed like a girl when he was hit by the tazer. Howard thought that was pretty funny.
Howard read an article about Viacom saying that the indecency fines they got from the FCC about the Janet Jackson thing weren't constitutional. Howard said that's what he tried to talk to Michael Powell about when he called a radio show recently. Powell said that the FCC had done a full investigation into the whole thing but Howard doesn't believe that's right. Howard said that he heard about a show where Rosa Parks' lawyer used the S-word a few times during a program on the weekend and they probably won't be fined. Howard had the tape, bleeped of course, so he played it for everyone. It turns out it wasn't Rosa Parks' lawyer, it was someone who wrote a song about her or something. No one was sure about what the interview was about. Tom came in and told Howard that this is just another inconsistency with the FCC. They just ''throw out fines willie nillie'' according to Howard. In the tape Howard was playing, the guy says a bunch of curse words and none of them were censored out of the news program. Tom told Howard that the lyrics in the song the guy was talking about were probably censored out on the stations that it was played on. Howard knows the FCC will do nothing about that one.
Howard read some e-mail that they've gotten lately. A bunch of people liked Billy Mira's prank call as David Lee Roth to a black club. The club owner had no idea who David Lee Roth was though. Howard replayed the call and had to take a break after that. He had Jimmy Kimmel on the line to talk to after that.
Jimmy said that the show was cut up kind of funny this morning in L.A. Howard said that's been the case since he announced that he's going to Sirius. Howard's buddy Ralph called in and told Howard how much he likes Jimmy but he's got some complaints. They were doing some funny bits and stuff but now they're making Jimmy stand up in front of the crowd like Carrot Top and pulling out props. Jimmy said that he was forced to stand up and he actually likes it. The audience actually pays more attention now that he's standing up. Jimmy said that Mickey Mouse came to him and told him he has to stand up. Ralph wondered why Jimmy gets a pass on the bits that he rips off from Howard. Jimmy said that he doesn't know what he's talking about. Ralph brought up the girls jumping on trampolines which was something that Howard did back at Channel 9 (WWOR). Howard didn't really care about Jimmy taking some of his stuff because he admits that he's been a fan of his for a long time and he might have been inspired by the stuff he's done. Ralph also pointed out that Jimmy misses out on some interesting things that his guests tell him. It's like he's not paying attention when he's talking to them. Ralph complained about the bits that Jimmy did with his Uncle Frank because they were pretty tough to take. Jimmy goofed on Ralph because he dresses Barbie dolls in his spare time.
Howard let Ralph go after that and talked about how his Uncle Frank has become friendly with Melrose Larry Green. Melrose shows up just about every night and talks to his uncle. Howard took some phone calls after that and one guy who brought up a house remodeling show Jimmy did with his ex-wife and how uncomfortable he looked during that. Jimmy said that was another thing he was forced into. Howard said it seems like he's forced into a lot of things. Jimmy said that he was told he didn't have to actually appear on the show until the morning of the shoot.
Ralph called back in and asked Jimmy about his girlfriend Sarah Silverman and if her voice ever gets on his nerves. Jimmy said she's fine and Howard told him that he's hung out with her and she's really not annoying. Howard said the only thing wrong with Sarah is that Jimmy is dating her. Howard said that Ralph has a problem with just about every chick. He hung up on him after that and spent a little more time talking to Jimmy. Jimmy told Howard that he'd give up his show for the full hour if he wants to come on and talk about the satellite thing. Howard didn't give him an answer but gave him a plug for the American Music Awards gig and let him go after that. He signed off with Jimmy's ''Good times...'' sign off.
Jennifer said she doesn't mind being spanked so they were going to put her in the new RoboSpanker and use her fake arm to spank her. Jennifer said that she has some panties on that will show through when she's bent over on the RoboSpanker. Howard also pointed out that Jennifer was wearing her homemade ''Amputee Beauty Pageant'' sash since they had to take theirs away from them. Howard said they're so cheap there that they had to take her crown and sash back instead of letting her take them home. Jennifer was going to demonstrate some things that she can do with that one arm of hers. She said she can tie shoes so Howard had her go over to Gary and tie his shoes. Jennifer was also able to make some fart sounds with her prosthetic arm by pulling it off. She tied Gary's shoe but it was a little loose at first. She retied it and it was just right after that.
Howard had Jennifer get into the RoboSpanker which had the vibrating function turned on. Howard then gave her a couple of spanks with the machine without giving her any questions or anything. Howard told Jason to come in and take some pictures so they could upload them to his bulletin board. After Jason took a few shots, Howard started whacking her with the RoboSpanker. He has a remote that he can control it with. Howard gave her a few whacks and her ass started to show some color. Howard then asked her some questions and told her if she got any wrong, he'd give her 5 spanks. She didn't know the answer when Howard asked her what his middle name is. He gave her 5 whacks after that and she was turning really red. The guys then took her prosthetic arm and taped it to the RoboSpanker. Howard asked her to name every state capital in 15 seconds or she'd get spanked with her own arm. She wasn't able to do it so Howard hit the remote and accidentally ended up hitting Gary in the nuts. The arm actually flew off because it was too heavy for the machine. Howard told her to give him a call if she ever wants to bang him. Howard had to take a break after that so he checked out her bright red ass and tried to get her topless. They offered her a bunch of money but she wasn't going for it. Gary offered her a boob job so Howard ended up going off on him about that.
Robin wondered if this girl was hot enough to dance at Scores. Howard and the guys said she was but they probably wouldn't hire a one armed stripper there. Howard had to wrap up the segment but he took a few phone calls before going to break. He also forgot to play the RoboSpanker theme song before spanking Jennifer. He played that and then quickly played the audio clip from Cops where a guy was tazered. A phone caller asked Howard when he's going to put out another book. Howard told the guy that he's really busy with so many other things that he didn't think he'd have time to do something like that. He told the caller that he's just signed up for a class that's supposed to teach him how to organize himself better so he can get more done. Howard is going to have some private courses where he'll have to do about a half hour worth of work a night to get himself organized. The woman he talked to says that he'll be able to find the time to get the book done if he takes this course. He said that she kept him on the line for 2 hours yesterday and that kind of pissed him off. That led to Artie asking Howard about the TV shows that he watches every week. Howard had a bunch of shows that he watches but they take up quite a bit of time. Howard said that he watches some of them for his show so he has stuff to talk about. Howard figures he could free up some time if he cut back on that stuff.
Howard took a call from a woman who says that she'll work for Howard for free to help him get organized. She said that she runs her own company called Let's Organize Now and she does this for a living. Howard didn't want to hire someone for free though. She told Howard that she's 43 years old and that kind of turned him off to her. Howard said he'd take her number down but he wasn't sure if he'd call. Robin said she needs someone to organize her stuff as well so she might be calling. Howard told Gary to take her number just in case. Howard asked her what she weighs but she didn't want to give up that information. Artie said that Howard will probably have plenty of space in his refrigerator if he hires this chick.
Howard took a call from another guy who said he wanted to hear the ''Cops'' tazer bit again because it was so funny. Howard played it for the guy and goofed on the guy's scream a little bit. By then the picture of Jennifer was up on Howard's bulletin board so he told people to check that out under the ''Today's Show'' section over there. He went to break right after that.
Jim Florentine came in after that. Howard gave him a couple of plugs for the stuff he's got going on. He's appearing on ''Inside the NFL'' Wednesday nights at 10 and on the MTV Shady National Convention that airs Saturday on MTV. Howard took a call from a guy who wanted to talk about the story Howard brought up earlier in the show about the 8 year old who was abused by a 29 year old. Howard let the guy give his thoughts on that but the guy wouldn't stop talking. Howard had to yell at him to stop but the guy must not have been able to hear him. Howard had to bail on the call because of that.
Howard played one of Jim Florentine's ''Terrorizing Telemarketers'' prank calls where he jerked a guy around about what he was trying to push. Jim kept asking the guy what it was for and the telemarketer just kept repeating the same line over and over again. Robin said her favorite is the call he made where he was abusing his grandfather in the bathtub and ends up drowning him. Jim said the cops ended up coming to his house that time, trying to find his dead grandfather.
Howard read some of the comments that they had about Jennifer the Amputee on his bulletin board. People wanted to see her nub so Howard said they'd have that up on his site later. Robin asked Jim if he'd want to have a chick like that. Jim said that she wouldn't be able to fold his laundry so he probably wouldn't want her as a girlfriend. He said that he would bang her though. Howard heard a story about Jim and one of the hidden camera things they did. Jim said he went to an abortion clinic with a hot chick. Jim said the place always has protesters so he had this hot chick stuff a pillow up her shirt and preened to be forced to get an abortion. Jim tells her to get in there and get it done and then he chases her around with a coat hanger. Jim ended up getting hit by one of the protesters. He said they weren't able to get her to sign a release so they can't put that one out. You can see some of Jim's other crazy hidden camera stuff on his ''Meet the Creeps'' DVD though. Check that out at MeetTheCreeps.com.
Howard's buddy Ralph called in and said that there's a great call Jim does where a guy tries to get an account number and the guy ends up threatening to blow off Jim and his buddy Don Jamieson's heads with a shotgun. Rev. Bob Levy called in and told Howard that Jim once hired a hooker to show up at his hotel room when they were doing a gig somewhere. He said he had to kick the woman out but she didn't want to leave. Then, a few minutes later, the hooker showed up with a big black guy who was knocking on his door. He said he called Jim and told him what was going on and Jim just laughed since he was the one who set it up. Howard asked Bob if he's still living with his wife. Bob said he's still living at home but he has to sleep on the couch. They're getting divorced but Bob says they get along better now so he's still living there. Bob got in a joke about Jennifer the Amputee before Howard hung up on him. He said that he'd like to ask her dad for her hand in marriage. Howard told Jim to keep sending hookers to Bob's room after hearing that.
Double A called in and said that he saw Jim down in Atlantic City and he was a funny asked guy. Jim said that Double A had chicks all over him so the guys were wondering if he had to pay them to come with him. Double A said he doesn't have to pay them to come with him. Artie said he saw Double A at a club with a couple of hot chicks as well so he must be doing pretty good for himself. A guy called in a little while later and said he spoke to some of the girls hanging around Double A in Atlantic City and they are being paid. Howard wasn't sure if he believed him though.
Jim told Howard that he's still with his girlfriend that he's been with for about 4 years now. He said that she's calmed down a bit since she found her birth mother. Jim said he was there when they met for the first time and it was pretty emotional. Jim said he was emotional until he saw her mother's fat ass and realized that his girl's ass will probably be that big some day. He said that both of them are kind of crazy. Howard had to end the show after that. They wrapped up around 10:40am.
Howard said he was talking to his ''right hand man'' Sal Governale this morning... That would be Sal the Stockbroker for those who don't know that last name. Artie said that Sal is very efficient in his job there. Howard said he likes Sal and he never thought he'd be saying that. After that he read a few headlines from The Onion that he found pretty funny. Robin wondered who those guys are that write that stuff. Artie said that he's met some of those guys and they look like the kind of guys who would write funny stuff.
There was a slip of a button that let through some audio that wasn't supposed to get through so Howard had to talk to Luis the board operator about that. He'd hit a button accidentally so he apologized for that. Howard went on to talk about ''The Biggest Loser'' that was on last night. He likes the show quite a bit. Artie said he caught some of the show and thought it was pretty good himself. Howard said he had some tape of Debbie Mattenopolous crying on TV as she was talking about her dog dying. Artie wondered if Howard has ever cried on the air. He said he's pretty sure he hasn't done that. Artie said if he did, people would be playing that tape forever. Howard said that Debbie was out making an appearance somewhere when she found out that the dog had died. There were many details in the tape from ''Good Day Live'' that Howard played. Debbie talked about how she found out that the dog died and she broke down crying over the weekend. Howard says that he loves dogs but it does sound weird when someone is on TV crying over their dog dying. The guys were wondering why the host of the show, Steve, had to take a call from Debbie over the weekend like they were talking about. Howard said that he heard people at the World Trade Center cry less than this chick. Howard said he doesn't talk much to the guys on the show off the air because they spend 5 hours a day talking already. He said that if they talked on the weekends, like Steve and Debbie, it would be kind of crazy.
Howard said that Robin was talking to him the other day off the air about what they should be doing while they're still on the air. Howard said he's hearing all kinds of things from people about him being off the air before his contract is up. He's hearing from people like Jimmy Kimmel who tell him that Sirius should be pushing for people to buy their equipment. Jimmy also told him that the L.A. Station is ruining his show out there ever since he made the announcement about Sirius. There are other people in the company who are telling him that Joel Hollender, the head of the company, is being kind of dicky to him right now and he's close to losing his job from what he hears. He said he's been getting all kinds of legal letters and threats from the company but he's not going to turn on the company and be a dick. Howard said that other guys in the company have made moves from other companies but they're making it seem like he's doing something wrong by going to Sirius. He's honoring his contract and staying there until the end of the contract if they don't kick him out of there first. He thinks that Joel is burning bridges with him and he could end up working with him again someday. This buddy of Howard's apparently told him that he's heard that Infinity is trying to get Sirius to buy out the remainder of his contract so they can get him out of there. Howard said that would be fine too but he's willing to stay there for the remainder of his contract.
Howard said that Robin was talking to him out in the hall and suggested that they should throw a big party and invite everyone from the show. He said that might be a good idea and they might do it around Valentine's day again. Howard wondered who they would have to the party. Artie said ''Everyone but Scott the Engineer!'' Robin said that's an idea. She said she'd have Scott work on the party but not be invited. Robin said they could have everyone who's supported the show, advertisers and people like that. The party wouldn't be on the air though so it would just be a celebration of the last year that they have coming up. Howard thinks it'll be a little premature to have a party in February of next year because they might be there the whole year. Either that or they'll be off the air. Howard said that he's been planning the first show over at Sirius already. He and Robin said that Scott the Engineer won't be invited to either day. Scott came in and said he's used to stuff like that so he won't get upset. Howard said he probably will get upset because that's what happens every time.
Artie said he's seen a difference in Scott since the day Pat Croce was there. Scott said that he has a different attitude now. Howard talked to him about how people just ignore him there at the station. Robin said that Scott was the only one who wasn't told that his bowling league canceled their bowling the night of 9/11. Robin was over at their house because she couldn't get home that night. She saw Scott go out to go bowling but he came home a short time later because bowling night had been canceled. Scott said there were people bowling that night but his team didn't show up to bowl. That led to Howard talking to Scott about his customized bowling ball and where he got that made. Scott told him how he got the ball at the bowling alley and had the holes drilled there. Gary wondered if they had his name or a nickname on the ball. Scott said he doesn't have a nickname other than A-hole. Howard said he wants to get him a ball that says ''Kid Nicotine'' even though Scott no longer smokes. Scott does need a new ball so that wouldn't be a bad gift. Scott said when you start to bowl bad you blame the ball so that's why he's thinking he needs a new ball. Artie said he's only seen one other guy with his name on the ball... Jeff the Drunk. Scott said that the ball cost him about $250 which is pretty expensive. Howard and Fred were doing their impressions of Scott while they were talking to him about this stuff. Howard asked Scott if they could cross out his name and write ''Loser'' on the ball. Scott seemed to take it all pretty well and didn't get upset about the goofing. Robin remembered hearing Scott's bowling ball rolling around in the trunk of his car that day she spent with him.
Hook Nose Mike called in and asked Howard if he thinks he announced his move to satellite too early. Howard said he had to announce it within a certain amount of time so he couldn't avoid it. Mike said that he'd be there listening. Howard joked and said that he wished that Mike wasn't following him over there. He said he doesn't think that Sirius is going to fork over tons of money to bring him over there early like the rumors are saying. It's possible but he doesn't think that will be the case. Howard doesn't get why radio is so stupid. He said that Seinfeld decided to do one last season and they make a big deal out of it. Then Howard makes his announcement and the company says they hate him and want him out of there. Tom Chiusano came in and told Howard he was missing the point. He said that Seinfeld went off the air after that last season while Howard is talking about moving to another medium. Tom thinks that it's a weird situation because he's got 14 or 15 months left on the air. He said that it's a competitive medium and that's why they're kind of upset about the move. Howard said that he was out of there anyway. He wasn't going to sign another contract to stay there. Howard said he told everyone that he was going to leave at the end of the contract. He was going to leave whether or not satellite radio was there. Robin said something about Joel Hollender not loving Howard and Tom wanted to respond to that. Howard interrupted him and said that Tom was making it seem like putting him on in 9 new markets earlier in the year was a charity case. Howard said he's not a charity case and that's the way they're making it seem. He had to settle for not-so-great deals to go on in those markets and he's got nowhere to go from there. That's why he's making his move to satellite.
Howard told Tom that he'll have some show like the Jimmy and Schmimmy show and they'll be controlled so well that Tom will be able to sleep late instead of coming in to hit the delay button every morning. Robin was arguing the whole thing with Tom as well. Tom told Howard that he's going to miss Howard and his show because he's been with them so long. Howard said he's at peace with everything and it's other people, like Tom, who aren't at peace yet. He went to break a short time later.
Howard said he had to take another break, about 3 minutes after the last one, but he said he was going to talk about Crazy Cabbie after that. Robin doesn't get why he's linked to the show so much when he's in the news. Howard doesn't get it either because Cabbie doesn't work on his show. He took a break right after that quick discussion.
Cabbie called in and said that the call that Howard played earlier was actually on the Howard Stern phone line so that's why he said he was from the Stern show. Howard said that they'd almost gotten over the Crazy part of Cabbie's name but now they're going to have to call him Stupid Cabbie. Gary came in and told Howard that Jason reminded him that they should talk about how Cabbie spent his $100,000 after he won that in the fight against Stuttering John. Cabbie didn't want to get into that right now, he wants to wait until that's all over. Robin wanted to know how he was dressed in court the other day. Gary saw him and described how he was dressed to her. Cabbie said that the US Marshalls at the court house are fans of Howard's and came down to see the case. Howard read that Cabbie had some trouble understanding the laws that were described to him in court that day. Cabbie will be sentenced in January.
Howard said he like's Cabbie's last name, Mrozak, because it's like Mr. Mxyzptlik from Superman. Howard continued to read some of the article he had about Cabbie and found it funny that Cabbie ''struggled'' to understand what the judge was telling him about these tax laws. Cabbie also said something about how he'd made a mistake and it came back and ''bit him in the ass.'' Howard and the guys were kind of goofing on Cabbie about how he was bragging on the air that he wasn't paying taxes. Cabbie asked him not to do that, he says he wasn't bragging when he talked about not paying taxes. Howard let Cabbie go and said it would be kind of cool if he went to jail because they could get updates from him right from jail.
Sal the Stockbroker came in and asked Howard what makes him cry in his sleep. He doesn't know because he doesn't know he cries. It was Beth who told him that he was crying one time. The caller thought that TM was supposed to help out with other things, even getting organized like Howard is talking about doing. Howard told the caller his questions were getting boring so he wanted to know what else he had to ask. The guy asked Howard why he doesn't announce when he's going on vacation. Howard said they do that to fool people into thinking they're new shows even when they're old. The guy asked why the shows all sound speeded up when they're in Best Of Stern mode. Gary came in and tried to explain it but he had to clear his voice so Howard goofed on him about that. Gary tried to explain that they used to record the shows on tape and the speeds are off a little bit. The guys continued to goof on him clearing his throat for a short time. Artie got in on it and was making choking and gagging sounds for a few seconds.
Howard saw Artie on an old episode of MAD TV recently so he talked about that a little bit. Artie got back to the Gary gagging sounds right after that. Howard started thinking about how they're going to lose their studio when they leave. He brought up the new studio they're going to have over at Sirius and how they'll finally have super high ceilings when they move. The phone caller asked Howard if he's going to be commercial free over there. Howard thinks that he will be pretty commercial free but they may play 2 or 3 minutes of something to take a break. The caller also wondered if he'll be able to bring his old bits and stuff over there. Howard said he'll be able to bring some of them, not all of them. He also told the guys that CBS/Viacom won't be allowed to play his old shows. Artie said that's how Letterman got screwed when he went over to CBS from NBC. NBC sold his shows and had Dave all over TV after he left. Howard said he's a little smarter than Dave and worked out a better deal.
Howard said he still has to book himself on a show to talk about the satellite stuff. Gary wondered if Jay Leno has called him yet. Howard said he could book himself on that show in a minute. He said that Jay doesn't call anymore because he knows he hates his guts. Howard went off on Jay for a couple of minutes talking about what a little bitch he is for going behind his back to steal Stuttering John from his show. He also talked about how Jay steals his bits and ''lames them up'' for his show. Howard was doing a top 10 list of things that make Jay a tool and those were just a couple of the things he mentioned. He also complained about Jay having so many cars that he's always bragging about. Howard said Jay doesn't even realize that he comes across as a tool when he's out on his motorcycle or driving around in one of his many cars. Howard said that Jay also calls people off the air when they write a letter to him about being lame.
Howard said that Stuttering John had to introduce Nicolas Cage last night on the Tonight Show but they played the music so loud you could barely hear him. The guys goofed on John before he went over there about how he was going to pronounce some names and Nicolas Cage was one of them. They said he was going to say it like ''nig*erless Cage.'' Fred did his impression of John and goofed on him a little bit. John sounded like he was way off microphone when he did the announcing so Fred stood about 8 feet off the mic according to Gary. Howard went on to say that John leaving the show was the best thing for them. Now they have Richard Christy and Sal the Stockbroker working there instead and they're a pleasure to work with according to Howard. The guys wondered if John and Jay are still going out for ice cream like John said they were. Howard figures all of that has stopped already. Howard said the real reason he's not friend's with Jay is because of the way he went behind his back and hired John away from the show behind his back. Jay has called him a few times trying to find out if they're still friends. Howard thinks he's a worm and a maggot and doesn't want to do his show again. Jay has asked him if they're still friends and Howard claims he's called him a worm and a maggot and he still doesn't get it.
The phone caller was still there but Howard forgot who he was. The guy said that the one thing that's missing from the show is John pointing out how whipped Gary is. Howard got him off the line a short time later. Another caller asked Howard to play some High Pitch Erik stuff but Howard wanted to play him the ''Cops'' stuff he's been playing. He played the clip of the guy screaming after getting tazered and then played the prank call he played earlier where Richard Christy and Sal the Stockbroker called an electrician and made it sound like Sal was getting shocked with that clip from ''Cops.''
Vinnie Favale, CBS VP of Late Night Programming, East Coast, called in and told Howard that the Letterman people have a day set aside for him already. Howard told him not to set aside a day because he doesn't know if he's going to do it or not. Vinnie changed subjects and said that they're winning on Monday night's in the ratings. Even Dave is beating Jay a couple of nights a week now. Howard asked Vinnie who is actually number one. Vinnie said that they're number one on Monday and they're neck and neck with Leno from week to week. Howard let Vinnie go and went to commercial break a short time later.
Howard played another bit that Sal the Stockbroker did using clips of High Pitch's Kelly Clarkson bit. He called a woman as a deejay and had her try to answer one question... ''Who's High Pitch?'' The woman had no idea and hung up on him. Then there was a call that Fred the Elephant Boy made to High Pitch where he pretended to be stealing all of Erik's lines.
Howard had some other stuff to get to after the High Pitch stuff. They've been getting some voice mail from people who are doing Artie's ''Wah, wah'' stuff right back at him. One guy went off on him doing all kinds of material about his life and how his father fell off the roof and stuff like that.
Howard got an e-mail from someone who told him about a story about a woman who couldn't get a prescription filled for birth control pills. There was a pharmacist who refused to fill the prescription because she wasn't for birth control. Howard said the country is going nuts and this is just the beginning. He thinks that George Bush is going to appoint people to the Supreme Court who will probably ban abortion.
Dick wanted to get to his plug but Howard asked him what he was wearing and then started to make some sounds that made it sound like he was pleasuring himself as he was talking to him. Howard pretended to finish himself off before moving on. Howard went on to tell Dick that he has to stop doing his back stage interviews on his American Music Award shows. Dick told Howard and Robin that he hasn't done that in 4 or 5 years now. He said you won't see him there unless all hell breaks loose on the show. Dick just wanted to get in his plug but Howard told him to calm down and they'd get to it. He gave him a plug a short time later. The American Music Awards air Sunday Night on ABC. Dick mentioned some of the stuff they have planned for the show. They have Janet Jackson on the show so Howard spent a short time talking to him about that. Dick has been close to the Jackson family for a long time. Dick didn't want to talk about that stuff though so Howard moved on.
Eric the Midget called in and wanted to talk to Dick about some stuff. Howard told Dick not to make fun of him. Eric said he saw that Kelly Clarkson was going to be on the show and wanted to know what award she was going to be introducing. Dick said that he doesn't know how the schedule is going to work out yet. That won't be settled until Saturday night. Howard told Eric that means that Dick is telling Eric to get a life and not concentrate on Kelly so much. Eric then asked Dick about the show ''American Dreams'' and if he could make an appearance on the show. Even Dick seemed surprised that he was trying to get an audition over the phone. Dick said that anything is possible. Howard told Eric that means that there's no chance in hell that he's going to get an audition. Dick wondered why Howard was being so cruel after telling him not to be mean to this guy. Howard said Dick was trying to be diplomatic but there's no room in his world for a midget. Howard said there have never been any midgets on ''American Band Stand'' or any of Dick's other shows. Howard told Eric that if he wants to do something as a midget, he has to come to him. Eric asked Dick if he could get tickets to the American Music Awards but Dick said he didn't have any to give out. Dick asked Howard to lay off the poor guy when he found out he was a real guy, not some character he made up. Howard ended up giving Eric a $500 prize after that. The guys continued to goof on Eric for a few seconds after that.
Howard got back to Dick's plug and let him talk more about the award show. Dick said that Gwen Stefani is opening the show so Howard talked about how she should get breast implants. Dick said that this will be her first solo performance without ''No Doubt'' backing her up. Dick told Howard about some of the other bands they had lined up for the show. He talked about some of the country bands and Rod Stewart among others. High Pitch Erik called in as Kelly Clarkson real quick before Howard let Dick go. Dick got in a couple more plugs and thanked Howard for letting him plug the show. Artie said he won't mention that the Bills - Patriots game is on at the same time. He'll be watching that instead.
Howard said he likes Dick for some reason and he hopes he didn't get offended by him pleasuring himself to his voice earlier. Howard said he won't be appearing on some dumb asses radio show when he's Dick's age. The guy is in his 70's and he's still out there plugging away. Artie was in a rush to go to break because he had a bag of E.L. Fudge cookies waiting for him. He sent out an intern to get him the cookies earlier. Howard got sidetracked for a minute when he was looking at some pictures of Lindsay Lohan. He also read an e-mail from someone who wondered where they can see pictures of Tara Reid's scarred nipples. Gary told him that you can check them out at NipSlips.com
A woman wrote in and told Howard that she had sex with Artie back in 1990 and got pregnant. She had the kid so she thinks it's Artie's kid. Artie said he remembers having sex with a woman in Rhode Island but he was wearing a condom. The woman says she's got a 14 year old daughter who wants to know her father. Artie said that he's had sex in 4 states and one of them was Rhode Island. There were some other e-mails about the ''Cops'' episode that they've been playing the clip from lately. There were a bunch of e-mails from people who hate Ralph but Howard didn't read those. He did read an e-mail from a guy who claims that his mother molested him from the age of 3 to 10 and then 14 to 16. The guy doesn't think that the 8 year old in the news yesterday will be as screwed up as some people think he will. That kid was abused by a 29 year old woman. Howard took a call from this woman who he always hangs up on when she calls in. Howard said that she's a bore and she should get a new personality or get a head transplant if she wants to become more interesting. He went to break right after that.
Howard said that Jeff was on the show a while back talking about the celebrity basketball games he used to play in with Garry Shandling. After he talked about it he was never invited back to Gary's house. Jeff was very nice when he talked about the games so he doesn't know what went wrong. Shandling did show up to a gig he was doing and stared at him in a way that creeped him out. He didn't even bother going over to talk go him because of that. After that he was scheduled on ''The Late, Late Show'' with Tom Green. He gets an e-mail the day before telling him that Tom had to fall out but they got David Duchovny with special guest host Garry Shandling. The two guys that he played basketball with. The next day he was in meetings and two hours before he went over to the show he got a call from the producer who asked him to move nights. He didn't tell him that Shandling was the one who wanted him off the show, but Jeff figures that's what went on. Robin wondered if Shandling is mad at Howard or just Jeff. Howard thinks Gary is just mad at Jeff but he's not even sure why he'd be mad.
Howard talked to Jeff about a date he went on with Teri Hatcher. Jeff said he got to make out with her a little bit but she never called him again. He said she ended up getting married like 3 months later to some big hunk guy who drove a nicer car. He said she was a real sweetheart though and he didn't do anything other than make out with her. Howard gave him another plug for his upcoming gig and for his web site Sportalicious.com.
Howard played some tape from a home shopping channel that Jackie the Joke Man appeared on this morning to sell some of his joke stuff. Howard wasn't going to play it but the woman who called in had him convinced that he had to hear it. The host of the show was mentioning Howard's name more than Jackie's though so it was kind of funny. The guy also had a delivery that was like a lame morning zoo host. Howard said they'd get to the rest of the Jackie tape on tomorrow's show. He wanted to get to the news. He wanted to listen to more of it but he really had to get out of there early today.
Captain Janks called in and said that he got an e-mail from a guy who told him that Jackie still introduces himself as being from the Howard Stern Show. He didn't believe it until he heard the tape that Howard just played. Howard said that's fine, it's just a credit that he's known for. Janks also got in a plug for his trivia night that he does at this place The Tex Mex Connection. Howard let him do that and then had Robin start her news. Howard did play a little more of the Jackie tape during the news. Jackie was pushing his joke machines like crazy. Jackie's got one for kids and they played with that one a little bit during the segment. Jackie was explaining how much kids love those things and how they just love the knock-knock jokes. Jackie said that an unpopular kid can get the joke machine and go in and tell some jokes to get noticed. Howard thought that was pretty funny. He doesn't mind Jackie selling his stuff out there like that but an unpopular kid telling jokes isn't going to make him more popular. Jeff said that the kid will probably get beaten up if that happens. Jackie was also pushing the machine as being something that's very easy to wrap. Howard told Gary to get him one of those machines so he can play with it on the air. Jackie was also pushing his Jokemaster 2 which Howard and the guys were goofing on. They played some of the jokes on the show and they were clean, goofy jokes. Gary came in with his own Jokemaster so Howard played with that for a couple of minutes. Jackie's voice is speeded up a little bit so it makes his laugh sound even goofier. That led to the guys goofing on poor Jackie even more.
A phone caller told Howard that he was done with Jackie anyway and he likes Artie 100 times better than Jackie. Howard said there's room for everyone and he loves both Jackie and Artie very much... but he loves working with Artie and he's glad he's there. Howard had Robin get back to her news but the guys couldn't stop goofing on Jackie's joke machines. They were coming up with their own lame, kid-safe jokes. Robin finished her news and Howard ended the show around 10:25am.
Howard started off the show looking for toothpicks. He said he used to have a box in the studio but they were all gone. Robin thought that was pretty low for someone to steal a man's toothpicks. Gary came in with a plastic one but Howard was looking for the wooden ones. Gary told Howard that there are a lot of people coming and going in that studio and stuff just gets moved. Artie told Howard he could have wood ones for him by 6:20 if he wanted.
Howard had a long day yesterday and he didn't know where to begin. He said people are going back on their word and he's going to have to start talking about people who work there. Things are getting very weird there at work and people are getting upset. He said he knew that he shouldn't trust Joel Hollender even though he claims to be his friend. He says that he's going back on his word (about what we don't know) and Joel told him he doesn't care because he's leaving the company. Howard knew the guy was going to be trouble because he used to work for Imus and he was able to get along with him. Howard claims that Joel told him off the air that he didn't like Imus. Tom Chiusano came in a short time later and told Howard that this wasn't a healthy thing to discuss on the air but Howard told him he's going to talk about what he wants to. Tom said that he was trying to do the right thing but Howard didn't think it was the right thing for him. Howard said that Joel gave him a handshake on something and he ended up screwing him yesterday. He wouldn't tell us what that was though. Tom said that he heard different and he didn't screw over anyone. Howard said that the guy isn't going to get away with it. Tom told Howard this isn't the place to personalize this stuff. Howard told Tom that Joel doesn't take his phone calls anymore but Tom found that hard to believe. Howard thinks that Tom gets walked all over by the company and he doesn't deserve that. Howard told Tom that this guy (Joel) is just like Imus and that he should get out of there. He doesn't want Tom to let Joel ruin what they built. Howard has been working for the radio station for 20 years and no one ever heard Joel's name when the company was being built. Every one of his dealings has been pleasant until now. Apparently Joel called his agent and went back on his word over something and this is what Howard was talking about.
Howard told Tom that there are guys in the industry who screw him over and then lose their jobs down the line. Then they come to him looking for a job but he won't forget stuff like this. There won't be a job for Joel with him in the future. Howard said that there was some good news this morning, Yasser Arafat is dead. He also said that he will be going on David Letterman's show on Thursday night to talk about all of this stuff that's going on. He said that Letterman is no fan of Viacom himself so he won't have a problem letting Howard vent over there. Howard said he just had a conversation with the Letterman people and he will be appearing on Thursday, November 18th. Tom figured that date and then told Howard it was kind of ironic because that's the same date that Howard started there at the radio station.
Howard talked about that first day there at K-Rock and how he had to play music that day. He couldn't believe that he had to play the music because it was his first day back on the air. Howard said he had to convince Mel Karmazin that they didn't need to play music to get ratings. Howard said that they could do a lot of great things in this final year on radio but Joel wants to screw things up. The company could make a lot of money with his show but they want him out early for some reason. Howard told Tom that if he doesn't see that Joel isn't managing the radio division the right way, he's dumb. Tom said that's not the first time he's called him dumb. Howard told Tom that if he's being dicked off about something, he can't work to help the company out. He said that his Mel is gone and it's time for him to leave. He dealt with guys like Joel over at NBC and he's not fit to fill Mel's shoes.
Howard said he was just getting started with this stuff. Someone was apparently saying ''I'm a jew, you're a jew...'' during the meeting Howard had yesterday. He said that doesn't matter and ended up yelling that he should just shut up. A listener called in and told Howard he used to work for Joel Hollender with Don Imus and he got screwed over. The caller said he was promised some stuff by Joel but never heard back from him. Imus was apparently calling the guy a ''nig*er'' and Joel never did anything about it even though he said he would. Another caller claimed that he was raped by Joel Hollender so Howard had to say that he wasn't sure either one of those guys was telling the truth. Howard said that when Mel left it was a sad day and when Joel took over his position, it was a big surprise. Producer Sam Simon called in and told Howard that he will still be the most underpaid man in the industry even when he goes to Sirius. Sam told Howard that the company needs him now more than ever and they don't get it. Howard told Sam that this isn't about money, it's about being honest. Sam said that he just got home from a poker game and there were a lot of industry people there. They watched a preview of a lotto commercial that had his girlfriend Beth in it. He said that it was actually very funny and the fans will get a kick out of it. Howard said that she does a lot of commercials so this isn't the first. Howard wasn't in the mood to talk to Sam so he let him go after that. Tom told Howard that they should put that call up for an F-Emmy. Howard said it could be for the best call bringing the show to screeching halt.
Howard told Tom that he's going to try and move on but he might have to kick him off the air if he continues to go off on Joel. Howard told Tom not to let Joel come around there to interact with him anymore. He doesn't want Joel around there because he didn't do a thing there to make the company what it is. Joel apparently said that he knows what it's like to be talked about on the air so he's not afraid of Howard talking about him. Howard said that he has no idea what it's like to be talked about on the air by him, only Imus. Howard said he ''keeps it mean, real mean.'' He had to take a commercial break after that.
Howard kicked Scott out of the studio and brought up a story about President Bush appointing more religious guys to his administration. This guy, Dr. David Hager, doesn't believe in birth control and refuses to prescribe them to women. He apparently suggests that they read the bible instead. Howard said that anyone who doesn't think this country is a religious country is nuts. He seems to believe that it's going to become like the Taliban.
Since Howard was on the subject of Playboy, he brought up a letter that he got from Jillian Grace on official Playmate stationary. She told Howard that she was out at the Playboy mansion for the big Halloween party that they throw every year. Jillian wanted Howard to be the first one she wrote to on her stationary. Howard figures she already broke up with her boyfriend and is out in Los Angeles having fun with guys out there. Artie said they have to talk to her in about a month and a half to get an update on what she's up to.
Howard took a call from a woman who saw his girlfriend Beth on an E! show last night. She said that she was very hot and can't believe that people say that she's not attractive. Another caller told Howard that ABC wants to air the movie ''Saving Private Ryan'' tonight but he doesn't think that it's right to let them air the movie uncut and uncensored. Howard is glad that they're going to show the movie but the FCC can't have it both ways and let the F-word be used on the air in a movie like that while they fine others for the use of the same word in different context. That led to Howard talking about how he's going to be going on ''The Late Show with David Letterman'' next week to talk about satellite radio and why it's going to be important. He's going to talk about the positive aspects of the service and what it will mean to the radio industry.
Another caller brought up the episode of E! that had Beth O in it. He said that she did look hot too. The caller also told Howard that he was listening to Howard's ''Crucified by the FCC'' tapes and laughed his ass off. He was wondering when Howard put that out but Howard wasn't sure exactly when it came out. The guys figured it was probably in the 1980's and it was probably 1988. The caller, Eric, has called in many times and does a bong hit each time. Artie had him do one since he was on the line. The guy took his first hit of the day and coughed up a lung for a few seconds.
Howard read a story about Brad Pitt going over to Ethiopia to study AIDS. Howard thought the headline was pretty funny. Artie said that The Onion should just run that headline as it is. Howard joked that he's afraid that Brad is going to neglect his Leukemia research.
Debbie Schlussel called in a short time later to talk about Yasser Arafat and how it's rumored that he may have been gay and it's possible he died of AIDS. She spent a few minutes talking and talking and talking about Arafat. Howard said that terrorism could have been nipped in the bud during the Nixon administration if they hadn't let Arafat off the hook for ordering the killing of some Olympians. Howard said that giving the guy the Nobel Peace Prize was also a joke and the guy got away with a lot of stuff. Debbie also brought up Brad Pitt and how he was apparently sent to study AIDS by Bono from U2. She started to tell Howard way too many details so he cut her off and said she made some good points about Arafat and she should have stopped there. Debbie told Howard that she has a new web site that will be easier for people to find. She gave it out but Artie was doing his impression of her so it was hard to hear. Howard let her get in another mention before he let her go. She said it's DebbieDoesPolitics.com. Artie and Howard continued to goof on her for a few seconds. Debbie asked Howard to put her on one of the three channels he'll be programming for Sirius. Artie said that he's got that channel all set up and it's called ''The Insanely Dull Channel'' and did his impression of her for a few more seconds. He was rambling and saying a lot of ''blah, blah, blah'' lines. Howard told her that her web site sounds fascinating as well. Howard said it would be funny to have people call Debbie and have her tie things to the Taliban. He suggested tying Star Trek to the Taliban as a joke but she said she probably could connect the two. She was actually able to do it so Howard and Artie continued to goof on her. Howard thinks that he probably could find a place for Debbie on Sirius. Howard said that even bad radio people need a place to work. He said they could have Imus on first and then have Debbie on the Insanely Dull Channel. Fred did his impression of Imus while Artie did his impression of Debbie.
Howard said that Star Jones won't shut up about her wedding. He had a clip from ''The View'' where she and the other women on the show were talking about Star's upcoming wedding. Howard listened to about 5 seconds of it before stopping it to wonder who watches that crap. Star was complaining about the way the press was talking about this 29 year old woman who abused an 8 year old by. She said that they called it a ''bizarre relationship'' but she believes that the woman is a criminal. Howard said that Star's relationship with her man is a bizarre relationship. Star was yelling about that stuff so Howard goofed on her for a short time.
Howard brought up how they had Richard Branson on the show talking about his show ''The Rebel Billionaire'' and now Donald Trump has come out and blasted him. Trump talked about how he doesn't know Branson but he doesn't think he has much of a personality. Trump also wondered why someone would hire someone who climbs up a balloon for a game show. Howard thinks that Trump's lines are pretty funny.
Howard read a story about himself in the news. The article said that Howard wants out of his job now but Howard wasn't sure he ever said that. Howard read the quotes that were in the article from yesterday's show when he was talking about how they might be taken off the air sooner than he should be. Howard said he's going to go on Letterman's show next Thursday to address all of that stuff. He'll be able to talk about all of that with his audience since he can't do it on his own show. He's going to be kicking off his campaign on that show.
Howard went off on Joel Hollender again for a short time. He said that there's a lot of money to be made with his show in that last year he's there but no one seems to want to work with him on that. Next week he has the F-Emmys planned but he's not sure they'll even be on the air. They have a lot of guests, bands and bits planned for the big award show. They're going to have musical performances, the Wack Pack singing ''We Are The Wack Pack.'' Howard played some of the song that they had pre-recorded with some of the Wack Packers. He said they have a lot of other musical performances coming up next week as well. He went to break after that.
Howard said that Scott DePace pointed out that Bill O'Reilly has a special deal on his web site if you buy $100 or more in products, you'll receive a limited edition, autographed list of the questions he asked President Bush recently. Gary came in and said that Scott told him how proud O'Reilly sounds when he's talking about that crap. Howard joked that he's going to print out a list of the questions he asks porn stars and sign them.
Howard had the guys bring in this woman Cindy who wanted to play Stump the Booey. She says she beats Gary 90 percent of the time she plays at home. She's willing to get naked if she loses to Gary today. Howard said that she came in strutting in a way that caught Howard's attention. She said she didn't realize she did that though. Cindy said that she isn't a stripper but she does work at a strip club. She claims that she's too clumsy to be a dancer. Howard read some of the notes he had on her and found out that she and a girlfriend of hers used to watch girl-on-girl porn when they were in their mid-teens. The other girl was the one who seduced her into that stuff. Cindy told Howard how the girl invited her to skip school so they could go home and watch this porn movie. Howard asked her about the boob implants she had in the middle of that story. He got back to it a short time later. Cindy told Howard that the other girl was rubbing her legs and asking her if the porn movie did anything for her. Then she started to touch Cindy but she didn't know what to do. She was a virgin at the time but went with it anyway. Cindy said that the other girl made her get on top of her and it was the first time she'd ever touched breasts. The other girl took her shirt off but she didn't have any boobs at the time. The other girl unzipped Cindy's pants so she went in and did the same. The other girl performed stuff on Cindy but they were interrupted so they had to stop before Cindy was able to return the favor. They never hooked up again after that but the other girl insinuated that she wanted to.
Howard had Cindy go over and take her clothes off before getting to the game. They have to do that since they got screwed one time when a woman refused to get naked after losing a game. Cindy had no problem with that and took her clothes off behind a curtain. Howard told Gary he had to win this game because he wanted to see Cindy naked. He saw her feet and they looked good to him. She took the rest of her clothes off and passed them off to the guys. Howard started the game after that. He played clips of songs and Gary and Cindy had to write down the name of the song and the artist who performed it. The songs are from the 1980's. Here are the songs that they had and who answered correctly:
Howard said he was willing to give Cindy a $500 prize if she was willing to get into the RoboSpanker. She agreed to get into it, completely naked. Howard had the guys get her into the machine. She was completely naked and shaved so she was ready to get spanked. Howard said she was only wearing shoes and Robin had the best view of her from behind. Howard has a remote control that controls the RoboSpanker. He turned on the vibration feature and then hit the spank button. She sounded surprised when the first spank came. She screamed out a quick ''Oh!'' when the second one hi. The scream got a little louder on the third. Howard took another whack at her and her ass was turning red according to Gary. Doug Goodstein came in with a can of whipped cream to put on her ass. That way they could see it fly off and it would cool her ass down at the same time. Artie laughed hysterically after the spank splattered the whipped cream all over the place. That was the last spank and it turned out to be the best one. Gary was helping to wipe her off and said he felt like he was wiping his kid. Howard went to commercial after that.
Howard said that Beetlejuice's manager Sean was there to talk about his complaints about not getting his plugs in on the E! show. Howard doesn't know that he agrees with Sean's point but he let him come in anyway. Beetlejuice came in with Sean as well. Beet was wearing a ''Steppin' Out'' skull cap when he came in so Howard wondered if he's a fan. Beet says he's been a fan for a while now. He also talked about how he's a rapper now and he has a couple of guys on his record label. Howard asked Beet if it was okay that he talk to his manager for a while. He was fine with that and didn't seem to know what the whole thing was about.
Sean told Howard a story about Beet throwing a beer bottle out of his car one time but the delay was hit for some reason. Howard let Sean talk about his complaints about the E! show. Sean said he knows that Howard has helped him out over the years and they wouldn't be where they are now without him, but... He believes that Doug Goodstein is intentionally cutting out the plugs they get on the show when they put them on E!. Doug came in and said that he has no problem with Sean and the plugs and he's willing to take a lie detector test over the whole thing. Sean told Howard that when Doug managed Hank the Dwarf, he lost business to Beetlejuice when he started appearing on the show. Doug said that wasn't true either. Doug told Howard that they do cut out Beet's plugs when he comes on the show but not intentionally. Isaac and Doug said that they cut out some plugs because they are dated. When they plug a gig they have, they cut them out because they won't be valid when the shows are aired. Sean doesn't believe that. Sean claims that Doug and some guy by the name of Bob Krepitz had Beet's picture on the Pegasus Entertainment web site and they were acting as his booking agent. Doug said he had nothing to do with that and he doesn't know why that's even being brought up.
Gary came in and told Howard that E! gave him a couple of examples of what E! cuts out when Beet appears. Sean said that they always cut out the web site plugs even though they should leave them on. Sean was saying that Isaac is a jealous guy and that's why he's cutting out the plugs. Sean said that Isaac always tries to upset Beetlejuice when he pre-interviews him in the green room. Isaac said that they had the E! crew do some research on the shows that Beet has been on and there have been about 33 of them, more than any other guest. They've gotten in plugs on quite a few of them. Sean said that they should have plugs in every show. Sean had some notes about other shows where people have gotten in plugs for their web sites. Sean was also complaining about some of the stuff that they've done for the show that hasn't aired yet. Isaac told Sean that they're not obligated to air everything that they do. Sean was going off on both Doug and Isaac calling them phonies. He doesn't care if he gets kicked off the show even though he still loves Howard.
Sean said that he called up one day and they did a sneaky thing and video taped the call he made to them. Sean said they didn't ask him if they could play that on the air either. Doug didn't know what he was talking about. Sean said that they haven't given them plugs for some of his stuff like the calendar and the video that they've put out. Doug told him he was crazy and totally out of line with this stuff. He said that he likes Sean and he has no idea what goes on behind the scenes when he pushes to get Beetlejuice on the show. No one has anything against Sean or Beetlejuice. Howard told Sean that he's been told that Beetlejuice is one of the lowest rated guests they have on but he doesn't care. He lets Beetlejuice come on the show because he loves him. Howard is behind the whole Beetlejuice Phenomenon and he knows that the guys that work there at E! are into it. Sean was still going off on the guys calling them phonies. Isaac and Doug both seem to think that Sean is out of his mind though.
Richie from E! came in and tried to calm things down but Sean got up like he was going to go punch the guys. Howard asked Isaac to leave so Sean could calm down. Richie tried to get Sean to look at him but Sean was still freaking out. Richie said he's never said that there's a conspiracy going on to Sean but Sean said that he's kind of hinted at that. Howard said he'd heard it all and he was going to make a ruling. Sean told Howard that those two are lying to him and he doesn't see it. Beet agrees with Sean and said that they're liars as well. Captain Janks called in and said that he's been on the show for years and he never expects plugs on the show and Beet should be happy for the amount of exposure he gets on the show. Sean told Janks that he's not funny and he should get off the phone. Howard got back to Sean and said that the E! channel takes the shows and edits them the way they need to. He said if Sean has a beef with them, he has to think about how you can't just plug everything, every time you're on the show. The exposure he gets from the TV show makes Beetlejuice more noticeable. It's not like he's getting no promotion, he's still part of the show and people are going to know who he is. Sean said that people are sick of seeing the same old girls over and over again but Howard told him that's what gets ratings.
Howard told Sean that sometimes Beet's shows aren't highly rated so that's why they don't air everything he does on the show. Sean didn't even want a plug today because he wanted to show what type of guy he was. Robin Radzinski had come in to tell Sean about how there is no conspiracy and gave him a couple of plugs for JollyDwarf.com. Sean yelled at her and said that he didn't want the plugs today. He asked why they can't get plugs on E! when they want them. Howard continued to try and calm Sean down but Sean was still very upset. Howard told him he hears what he's saying but his theories about a conspiracy against him are wrong. He doesn't believe there is such a thing. Howard said he will ask the E! crew to be more sensitive to get in plugs for Beetlejuice when he's on. The dated plugs won't get on but maybe the other plugs will. Howard said that Sean has been very loyal to the show and he deserves to have them try and work those plugs in. Sean believes that they have to be able to get in at least one plug every time he's on. Howard said they don't have to fit, they'll try and make them fit.
Beetlejuice was upset after all of this stuff went on. He was so upset that he wasn't able to talk. Sean doesn't feel that things have been resolved and the E! crew won't go out of their way to fit the plugs in. Sean had some complaints about some shows that they've already taped and cut that haven't aired. There was one where they had a calendar they plugged but it still hasn't aired yet. Howard said he can't promise that E! is going to air something like that. E! has their own reasons for that stuff and he has no control over that. Beetlejuice didn't like what was going on and walked out of the studio without saying a word. Sean said that shows how easy it is to get Beetlejuice upset and that's what Isaac does every time he comes there. Howard wanted to know how they were going to move forward on this stuff. Sean couldn't get over this stuff and continued to complain about the stuff that never made it to E!. He continued to complain about Doug and Isaac as well because he believes that they've screwed him over. He gets along with Richie so Robin suggested that he only work with him from now on.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Howard was letting Beet's ''jackass manager'' bitch and complain for the past hour. He suggested that they put Sean in the RoboSpanker if he continued to complain. Another caller asked Howard why he's the one who has to solve problems all the time on his show. Howard said he's able to hear people and if they have valid complaints, he'll listen and try to work things out. Beetlejuice came back in a short time later and said he didn't want to talk about anything. Howard told the guys they were done and didn't let Richie get in a final word for the E! crew. A few more callers got through and said they didn't like the way Sean was taking jabs at the E! crew. He even said he was going to come down and beat him up. The guy had no idea that Sean is 6'7'' tall and could probably crush him with one foot. Another caller told Sean to shut up about that stuff already. Sean said he's been holding back on complaining for 3 years now, he just couldn't take it anymore. Howard told Sean that he and Beetlejuice are welcome there all the time. Artie said it was time to go get loaded after that. Beetlejuice came to life for a few seconds after that but Howard had to go to commercial break.
Drew told Howard that his Green Screen show has been canceled so he didn't have to plug that. He said the arguments were fun to listen to anyway. Drew wanted to get in a plug for a gig he has at Carnegie Hall on Friday. Howard and Drew talked about the deal he had with the WB show and how sweet that would have been. Howard gave Drew a couple of plugs for the Carnegie Hall thing. You can find out more about that at CarnegieHall.org. Howard said it's too bad his show was canceled because it could have been a great deal for Drew. He let him go a short time later.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up the discussion Howard had about Joel Hollender earlier. He said that nobody likes a hypocrite. Howard said that Joel's move was a bad business move and he may regret it in the future. Howard said that he's going to be on Letterman next week and he'll be announcing other appearances after that. He's going to do two other TV shows after that. He's also going to do one magazine article about what's going on with his career. The caller also brought up Bill O'Reilly's lame web site products so Howard replayed the clip of Bill pushing that ''historical document'' of his. Howard goofed on the whole idea of that document of his being ''historical.'' Robin started her news a short time later. They wrapped up the show around 11:05 this morning.
Howard took a bunch of phone calls after talking to Lisa for a few minutes. Some of the people agreed with everything she was saying and some people didn't think she knew what she was talking about.
Lisa told Howard that one way to get a man's attention is to cook some cinnamon rolls about an hour before he comes over because guys tend to think of love and affection when they smell cinnamon or vanilla. She also said another way to keep a man happy is to keep a refrigerator full of beer at all times. That and a satellite dish will keep guys happy according to Lisa.
Howard sounded pretty fascinated by Adam's life. He continued to talk to Adam about this Dahm Home thing for a few minutes. Meanwhile, Fred was playing a phone ringing sound effect in the background.
Howard eventually moved on to Mr. MetRx, Frank Sepe, who was another one of the evaluators today. Howard said that he looked more pumped up than ever but it was probably because he was sitting next to Slow Adam who was sitting there topless showing off his man-boobs. Howard ended up getting right back to Adam after introducing Frank Sepe. He asked him about the Dahm Home thing some more. Adam said he gets a $60 a month allowance. Howard thinks that Adam should be able to work a job somewhere to make his own money.
Howard asked Frank Sepe if he could help Adam with his physique. Frank said he's a trainer, not a magician.
Stuttering John's brother-in-law, Doug Keller, was the third evaluator today. Howard heard that Doug is quite the ladies man. John told Howard a couple of quick stories about Doug before Howard moved on to the evaluations.
Howard had Tracy come in to be evaluated first. Tracy, a 5'8'' blonde haired, blue eyed 27 year old, was a little chunky according to some of the guys. Howard said she was really cute though. She took her top off and Howard said her boobs were a little on the small side. She said they're just a B-cup. Howard then had the guys evaluate her. None of the guys thought she could be Playboy material. Adam just had some dopey lines to say that Sal the Stockbroker fed him. He said she'd be perfect for Playboy as the photographer. He also said that if she's in Playboy then he's in GQ.
The next woman, Ann, is a 40 year old personal trainer. Howard and the guys said she was pretty hot for her age but no one thought she was Playboy material. Howard was really impressed with her body. He said her ass was amazing. He spent a few minutes talking to her and let the guys evaluate her. She's not quite Playboy material just because of her age. Artie said if you put the Playboy about 50 feet away from you she'd look really hot.
Howard wrapped up the segment and gave plugs to everyone who had a web site... and everyone does. Sal the Stockbroker has a site called HorseToothJackass.com. You can get personalized messages from Slow Adam at SlowAdam.com. Mr. MetRx, Frank Sepe, has a web site of his own at FrankSepe.com and of course MetRx.com