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Howard also said David hates when he calls his wife Courtney Cock. He immediately started calling her that and it pissed David off. David threatened to swear himself. He asked Howard if he likes it when he calls him Howard Sperm. Howard said he doesn't care because it's childish.
Howard said the last time David was on he cut some IDs that were really funny but then he called Gary a couple days later and asked them not to play them anymore. Howard thinks his wife has been taming him down too much. Howard asked David if all of the rumors about their marriage failing are true. David said they're all untrue and they come at a time when his wife is actually being very supportive of his career. He said it's kind of upsetting that he has to read all of these lies.
Howard also asked David what he thinks Matthew Perry's problem is on ''Friends''. He just went back into rehab and Howard was wondering what's going on there. David said Matthew must just have an addictive personality. He doesn't know the whole story and he might just be unhappy.
David said that he hasn't been to any pill parties lately but he used to throw them himself. He's done with that part of his life now that he's got Courtney. He said they don't go to marriage counseling anymore. They just did that before they got married so things would work out. He thought it was necessary. ''Especially when it's you...'' Howard added.
Howard promoted all of David's movies and said he's also appearing in an upcoming episode of ''Son of the Beach''. David plays the head of a bicycle gang. His name in the show is Johnny Queefer.
Howard noticed that David had his wrist tattooed and asked if he has any Courtney tattoos on him. David said he does have a ''CC'' tattoo on his shoulder.
Howard let a few phone callers goof on David before he left. One guy asked if Courtney likes Anal sex. He didn't answer that one. Robin asked him what kind of birth control they use. David said they don't use any. Howard figured out he just pulls out so he asked him where he ''makes his mess''. David didn't answer that one either. A phone caller told Howard that he heard David's next movie will be called ''See Courtney Cock Run'' when she leaves him.
Gange's date Lorraine called in and tried to explain what went on. She said it was more complicated than it seemed to Howard. She said they were friends and there was a lot of stuff that complicated the situation but when Robin asked her if she would have been against Gange trying to kiss her, she said ''no.'' So he should have tried something because it may have led to more. Lorraine said she really didn't expect anything to happen that night even though it wasn't their first date. Everyone in the studio agreed that Gange is a mess. Howard moved on to do an evaluation.
Howard promoted Mark's movie ''Rock Star'' a little bit. He also asked him what it was like to open-mouth kiss Jennifer Aniston after a listener asked about it. Mark said it was good for him. Another caller asked why they have Jennifer in the movie because she's so ''one dimensional'' as an actress. Mark said that you'd be surprised at how well she pulled off the part though.
Mark was at the MTV Video Music Awards last night so Howard kept him around to goof on the clips that Robin had to play from the show. Howard said he's a fan of Jamie Foxx but as a host he wasn't that funny. Howard and the crew also talked about how sad it was that Aaliyah died. Howard said that he's more upset when a beautiful person dies than when an ugly person dies. He said he was really upset that Aaliyah died because she once said that he was ''tha bomb'' when she was interviewed by one of his flunkies.
Howard got back to Mark and told him that a woman showed up to meet him at the station today. This girl says that Mark was a big influence on her life for some reason. Her explanation wasn't very good and it didn't make a lot of sense. She had some wacky story about her live and Mark's life being similar but she hasn't become famous yet. Howard let her say her thing while they goofed on her for a bit. They eventually got rid of her and Howard was going to wrap up the interview but Stuttering John came in and said there was a girl on the phone who says Mark took her virginity. Howard took that call and let her tell her story. She claims it all happened back in 1994 or '95. She told the whole story but Mark didn't confirm the story. She said he was really good sexually and she was only 17 years old or so. After hearing the story Howard gave her a trip to Key West that he had to give away.
Howard was back from his 3 day weekend today. He started off the show talking about how this is the time of year when he finally gets into football. He talked about the Carolina Panthers vs Philadelphia Eagles game and how bad that was. Robin also watched the games and talked about that with Howard. Howard said that his buddy Marco Battaglia is on the Carolina Panthers so he could get a Super Bowl ring. He said that Marco is injured right now so he's not sure if he'll get to play. Howard and the guys talked about what incentives the players can get when they get this far into the season. Howard said that Marco wants him to go to the game to see it live but he said he'd rather watch it on TV.
Howard talked about how cold it must have been at the games over the weekend and how the cameras were actually fogging up in the Philadelphia game. He also talked about what a waste of time it is sitting there and watching those games. He said he could be doing so many other things. He also talked about how the plays all look the same after a while and he's seen them already.
Howard took a call from a guy who complained that Howard is one of those guys who has never played football so he's a hypocrite saying he loves football. Howard told him he always watches football and that he has Super Bowl parties every year. He also said that his opinions have changed over the years as he's grown up. He said that's his opinion and he has the right to change.
Howard and Robin brought up a news story about a woman who was walking her two dogs in New York City and both of them started to freak out. As she went to separate them, she got electrocuted. There were wires in the snow that were corroded and in wet snow. She ended up getting electrocuted. Howard said that she got fried but the dogs managed to get away. Howard said even standing on a manhole cover can get you in trouble.
Howard talked about the salt that they put down in the city to melt the ice and snow and it bothers some animals. He heard that they put a special salt down in parts of the city that's friendly to dogs. He said they only do that on the East side of the city, not on the west side. Howard said that the cold weather they have really sucks.
Howard said he was typing up scripts for his ''Howard Stern the High School Years'' cartoon. He started coming up with ideas last week and had to get them down on paper. He spent most of the weekend doing that. He also watched some of the World Series of Poker that was running on one of the ESPN channels. Howard said he was really into the coverage. That led to Artie and Howard talking about the pool games they cover on those channels. Howard talked about how he was good at pool one time and ended up playing a couple of guys and was doing great. He said he didn't even know what he was doing though.
Howard asked him what she does for a living and he said ''Nothing.'' A few seconds later Howard interrupted him and said that he had AJ's penis on the phone. The caller asked AJ what he was doing to him. He used to get laid all the time and now he's getting married.
Howard asked AJ if he asked the girl to get an abortion. AJ said he didn't ask her to do that and he ended up asking her to marry him. He also said he's also got a 13 year old step-child now. Howard said the marriage won't last. Robin said the marriage will last about 2 months after the baby is born. AJ said that he just got married in November. He dated her for a year before that. Howard told him to just get the divorce now.
Howard told AJ that the pressure of the baby is going to put a lot of pressure on him. He said he's going to get annoyed by that and the marriage won't last. AJ said that he hasn't lied about anything when he's been on the show and he honestly believes that this relationship will last a lifetime. Howard laughed when he heard that. Robin said that AJ has at least one more marriage ahead of him.
Gary came in and wanted to talk to AJ about the mistake he's making. He talked to AJ about the days when he used to get laid all the time and how happy he used to be when he came in bragging about it. Robin told AJ about how Mark Wahlberg ran out of his relationship 2 months after his baby came. AJ said that when Jessica Alba comes to your door, you have to leave your woman for her.
Howard said that AJ will fall in love with his nurse and leave his wife for her. Gary told a story about AJ and how they were out together one night. He said that AJ said he was banging super models back then. AJ said that was a long time ago and things change. He said he's been home every night and he loves this woman.
Howard asked AJ what it is about this woman that he likes so much. AJ rattled off a few things like her loyalty, beauty, intelligence and that she's a wonderful mother. She has a 13 year old son so Howard asked him how long it'll be before he starts bringing him to Scores. Howard wondered if AJ will ever even get to go to Scores again. AJ said that's not going to change and he'll continue to go there. He said he goes there 3 nights a week.
After getting off the phone with AJ, Howard and the guys talked about how he's now ruined his life. Howard was laughing about how he ruined his perfect life of banging chicks. He did say that he was smart for laying down the man rules about going to Scores though. Howard said that the baby isn't even there yet and he's going to Scores 3 nights a week. When the baby comes he'll be there all week. That will eventually lead to their break-up. Howard had to take a break shortly after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Howard why he takes off all of these holidays and still complains about his job. The guy called Martin Luther King day as ''Nig*** Day'' and the Jewish holidays as ''Jew Day.'' Howard said he takes off Martin Luther King day to honor the guy. The caller said ''Yeah right'' to that but Howard said he wasn't lying, that's the way he feels.
Chaunce Hayden called in and said that he spoke to Angie Everhart and she's trying to clear up what she said about Howard a while back. Howard thought she said that he was the best lover she ever had. Now she's back pedalling and saying that Howard was the best guy she ever ''dated.'' Howard seems to think she's doing that because she's dating someone new and she has to say that. She's also saying that she wasn't attracted to the stuff he did in bed, it was his personality and all of that. Howard said they have her on tape saying that he was the best lover she ever had, now she's taking it all back. Chaunce said that he thinks that Angie is jealous of Beth and she still wants to be with Howard so she's upset about the whole situation.
Howard said that the only reason they broke up was because Angie moved away. She seems to think that they might still be together if she hadn't moved. Chaunce said he thinks that she's just trying to show Howard that she's still in love with him and wants to be with him, that's why she's back pedalling.
Double A called in and asked Howard if he wanted to bet on the Super Bowl. Howard and the guys talked about the point spread and who they predicted they'd bet on. Artie bet on the games over the weekend and ended up losing $4,400. He said it was a tough weekend and he was drinking the whole time. Artie seems to think that the Patriots are the best team in the NFL but he wouldn't say that they're a lock. Howard said they are a lock and that people should bet the farm on them. Howard backed out of betting Double A. He said he'd rather bet Artie.
Crazy Cabbie called in and wanted to put down $1000 on Carolina. That led to Artie and Cabbie arguing about who they think will win. Cabbie wanted to bet the thousand bucks with Howard but Howard said that it always ruins the game for him. He was thinking about doing it though. He said that if he won, he wouldn't want to take Cabbie's money because he should be saving it. He said he knows that he won't be able to take it from him if that happens. Howard said he'd rather bet with a bookie than with Cabbie. He said that he'd make him feel guilty taking his money if he wins. Cabbie told him not to be a pussy. Howard told him that if he does win, Cabbie has to give Gary the money so he doesn't have to deal with him.
Howard said the only way to get rid of Cabbie is to adopt him. Howard ended up hanging up on Cabbie because it would be like taking money from a baby. He said he's afraid to win with that guy.
Howard took a call from a guy who was claiming to be Henry Hill. As soon as he picked up the line he knew that it wasn't really Henry. Howard said Henry isn't that sober sounding. The guy just called Howard a ''dick'' a few times and that was about it.
A cop from Dunellen, New Jersey called in and said that he caught Artie urinating in public on Saturday night. Artie explained that there was no bathroom nearby so he had to go out the side door and pee in the snow. Artie said he was peeing and got tapped on the shoulder and it was two cops. Artie said they let him go without giving him a hard time. Artie said there was no bathroom to go to without walking through the crowd. He was doing a show there and it's a movie theater that they turn into a comedy club at night. Another caller told Howard that he saw him peeing down in Florida one time as well. Howard goofed on him about that a little bit. Artie said it was really embarrassing. He was once arrested for doing that outside a club called Fatso Fogertys. He was afraid he was going to get arrested again for that. Howard took a break shortly after hearing that story.
Howard went on to talk about some of the guests they have coming soon including Rob Schneider, Dave Chappelle and Angie Everhart. He said he has a lot to say to Angie. He was going to hold off on that until she comes in though.
Howard decided to replay the Triumph the Insult Comic Dog bit that they did last week on the show. Here's what happened:
Howard wondered what was supposed to happen next because he was kicked out of the studio during the break. It turned out Triumph the Insult Comic Dog (Robert Smigel) was there to talk to him. Howard talked to the puppet for a couple of minutes. Triumph roasted Howard a little bit about his show and had the delay hit on him a couple of times. Howard brought up some of the things Triumph has done at the MTV awards and asked him about almost getting punched by Eminem after goofing on him at one of the award shows.
Howard said that Triumph has a new album out called ''Come Poop with Me.'' Howard gave him a plug for that and then goofed on the puppet because he wasn't moving his mouth as he was talking. The delay was hit multiple times so we missed out on some of the dog's jokes. He was sniffing the couch in the studio and said it's had so many strippers and porn stars that it smells like low tide. Howard let Triumph go on for a few minutes and said that he thought he wouldn't last in the business but he has been around for a while now. He's become part of pop culture.
Triumph roasted Artie for a couple of minutes goofing on his movie career. He goofed on the rest of the guys in the studio as well. He goofed on Robin a little bit as well. Howard wanted him to goof on Stuttering John a little bit. He goofed on John about his job screening phone calls. Triumph mentioned Jackie as well and said he runs into him in the supermarket sometimes... because they're eating the same dog food. He goofed on Gary a little and said he was having a dream about him one night. He said he has to learn not to sleep with his head so close to his ass from now on.
After replaying the bit Howard said that he had a lot of requests to replay it. He took a couple of phone calls after that and one guy didn't think it was funny at all. The guy was yelling at Howard about some nonsense so he hung up on him. He took a couple of other calls after that. One guy asked Howard if he caught Jessica Simpson on Saturday Night Live. Howard said he's pretty much given up on watching that show. Robin and the caller said that she was awful on the show. Howard said that she's just a hot chick who doesn't have any talent so he doesn't understand why SNL would even put her on. Howard said that someone is trying to put a spin on Jessica's stupidity and they're saying she's just acting in the reality TV show she's part of. Howard said he doesn't believe that at all and thinks that she really is an idiot.
Howard talked about how Howard Dean went nuts yesterday at the Iowa Caucus. He had tape of that to play so he and Robin discussed that for a short time. Howard said that the papers were saying that Howard Dean had a ''meltdown'' at the Caucus. Howard played the tape of Dean getting all excited about all of the other places that they were going. Howard said they were talking about how weird the guy looked when he was flipping out. Howard said he didn't think he was acting nuts, he was just showing some excitement. Then Dean yells out ''Yeah!'' at one point and it sounded kind of odd. Howard and Robin talked about some of the other stuff that was being said about Dean in the news.
Dean sounded kind of like Artie doing his AC/DC ''Fi-AH'' thing so the guys played some AC/DC and threw in Dean's ''YEAH!'' sound which was very similar. Artie said they really should play that AC/DC music behind the guy when he's yelling out all of the states. Howard and the guys went on to talk about some of the other candidates and the stuff they were talking about in their speeches. They had to take a break a little while later.
Howard said that someone called in from the Wesley Clark campaign and booked him for the show. Howard said that Gary called the campaign manager didn't know anything about it and someone may have gotten a little bit ahead of himself and booked the show. Howard said that it sounds like they're trying to be like Howard Dean and just let anyone do whatever they want to do. Howard went on to talk about Howard Dean's campaign and how people are getting into it just to get laid.
Howard said that he would talk to Wesley Clark if he wanted to come on. He said that John Kerry wanted to call in at one point as well. Fred continued to play the clips of Howard Dean going nuts at the Iowa Caucus and yelling out stuff. This time they played some Van Halen ''Hot for Teacher'' in the background. Howard said the sound that guy makes is like the sound he makes when his penis gets caught in his zipper.
Howard changed subjects and said that he went to an antiques shop over the weekend to pick up a letter opener he bought. There was a book there that had a hidden space in it and he thought it looked like a good place to hide your weed. He spent a couple of minutes on that before getting back to the Howard Dean speech.
Howard took a call from a guy who said the whole AC/DC thing works with Howard Dean's speech. He said he had to pull over because he was laughing so hard in his car.
Howard said he watched ''American Idol'' last night and thought it was pretty good. Robin said she had to fast forward through a lot of it. Howard and Robin both thought that Paula Abdul didn't look too good on the show. Howard said it looked like she's been tanning too much or something and looked leathery. He said that Randy Jackson looked odd as well.
The guys took an earlier caller's suggestion to use a different AC/DC song for Howard Dean's speech. They played ''TNT'' and Dean's speech with his odd yell in there. It worked and Howard said the caller was right.
Howard said that he was reading about satellite radio and it seems like it's all has-been radio lately. He said it's great that there's somewhere to go after commercial radio but they're all guys who failed in regular radio. Gary came in and said that he's heard about a lot of DJs who are on satellite now. Howard wondered who's paying to hear DJs they've already heard and wanted to get away from.
Howard mentioned that Ellen Degeneres is having Richard Simmons on her show. Howard said it would be great if both of them started to talk about their sex lives. He talked about how that would make a great special if they just talked about that stuff. Howard goofed on Richard and did an impression of him talking about his Deal-a-Meal food cards.
Howard read an article about Kobe Bryant losing his McDonald's endorsement deal. He told a few jokes about that situation. He also talked about singer Mystikal and how he was sentenced to six years in prison after forcing his hair stylist to give him oral. Howard talked about that for a short time and played some of Mystikal's hit song (from Tarantula).
Howard read some e-mail that they got. Some people wrote in about Ralph's football picks and how he chose teams based on their uniforms. Howard said that Ralph hates Philly and wanted to see them lose. Howard said he was rooting for the team himself. He read a bunch of other mail about Ralph.
There was some mail about Lispy Lynn and how he won the porn trip last week. One guy said he almost started to cry when he heard that Howard was going to try and help Lynn get his cleft pallet fixed. Howard said if they do that, they're not going to have the guy on the show anymore.
Howard got a bunch of mail about his complaints about the 2 degree weather in New York City. Someone complained about Howard complaining because he has -20 degree weather where he lives. Howard said he was just talking about his own experiences so he shouldn't worry about that.
An emailer told Howard that there was a DJ who mentioned Howard's name when he was talking about the moral decay of the country. There was also some mail about how the FCC wants to increase the fines for obscene broadcasts. Howard said the problem with that is that no one knows what ''obscene'' broadcasts are on any given day. He said he doesn't understand what it is that gets people so uptight. He went on to say that it seems kind of weird that the FCC has this agenda. Howard said that every kid out there knows about sex already and hearing it on the radio isn't going to change things. Howard said he really doesn't care if they chase him off of radio. It's not going to matter and things won't get any better.
Howard said that Governor Pataki recently pardoned Lenny Bruce for all of the stuff he got in trouble for. Howard talked about how there was this guy who went after Lenny relentlessly and won't comment on it these days. Howard said the theory was that he was going to use that case as a stepping stone to go somewhere politically. Howard said that his advice to the FCC's Michael Powell is not to become that guy. He took a break shortly after that.
Howard said that he was told about Lauren Hill's web site where you can buy a bunch of her crap. He said it's not musical or political, it's just all of her dopey stuff. Howard said that Kidd Chris is always sending him interesting information like that. That led to Howard playing Kidd Chris' phony ''On-Star'' commercial that he played earlier in the show.
Howard had the guys replaying the Howard Dean tapes again. Howard wondered if they should bet on who's going to get the democratic nomination. Howard was going to go with Kerry. Artie said that he would take Howard Dean because he sounds like a fun guy after hearing his speech. They played the speech again and Howard said the guy really doesn't sound crazy to him even though he might look a little odd when he's yelling like he was.
A listener called in and said that Howard Dean should be a WWE announcer or something like that. He also said that he sounded kind of like that Hitler tape that they play once in a while on the show. Fred played both of the tapes to show the similarities. That led to Robin talking about how Winston Churchill's parrot is still alive and cursing out the Nazi's. Churchill apparently taught the bird to say ''F- the Nazis'' and ''F-Hitler'' and it's still saying that.
Howard was surprised that the bird could live that long. He said that he has to make some changes in his will because Beth wants him to leave the dog to her if he passes away.
Howard took a call from a guy who was giving Fred all of the credit for making the Howard Dean thing sound so funny. Howard ripped the credit away from Fred and said that Fred just played the music, he played the Howard Dean stuff over the music himself.
A phone caller brought up Michael Jackson's court appearance and how he showed up late. Howard said there were about 2000 ''loons'' who showed up to cheer him on. He also pointed out how Jackson was making an appearance for his fans out there and he knows that it must have pissed off the judge.
The phone caller also brought up Ted Nugent and how he almost cut his leg off with a chain saw. Howard ended up talking about how manly Nugent tries to be doing all of that stuff he does. He spent a few minutes talking about that before taking more calls.
A prisoner from Rikers Island prison called collect to talk to Howard. The guy said he's done 13 months for Grand Larceny so far. Howard asked him what the real crime was. The guy said ''they'' said he stole a car. He said it was a Subaru that was stolen and they won't let him out because he has another warrant out for his arrest for something else. The guy said he's only 19 years old. He also said that it was a really long story. Howard wondered why he stole a Subaru because it's got to be one of the least stolen cars in the country. The guy told Howard that he didn't graduate high school because he dropped out. Howard talked to him for a couple of minutes and wished him luck in there before going to commercial.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he doesn't understand how an 18 year old kid could be that dumb. He then suggested a game that wasn't so great so Howard bailed out on the call.
Howard said he thinks he's going to bet that John Kerry will get the democratic nomination. Artie was taking Howard Dean and Robin was undecided. She talked about what she was thinking but Howard said they should just forget the whole thing.
Comedian Rev. Bob Levy came in to hang out during the news. He was pissed at Robin for not inviting him to Howard's birthday celebration. Robin said that Colin was invited because he was supposed to bomb. She told Bob that he's too good and would have roasted Howard too well. Bob said that Colin stole one of his jokes about Mr. X being Robin's ''Steadman.'' Howard said everyone says that Mr. X is Steadman.
Howard said Bob had a great story about his wife and how she sent out Christmas cards but didn't sign his name to the cards. Bob said that she's great but they have different lifestyles. She's still in school at the age of 38 and he works at night. He said when the kids got their presents at Christmas, they said ''Thanks aunt Paula'' and didn't mention his name. Bob said that he's been married to her for 8 years now.
Howard asked Bob if he cheats on his wife. He claims that he doesn't cheat on her, he's a good boy. He said Howard could ask all of the guys there because they spend a lot of time with him.
Howard heard that Bob's 5 year old son said the word ''pussy'' in school and got in trouble for that. Bob told Howard about that and how they called him into school to explain it.
Howard gave Bob a couple of plugs for his upcoming comedy shows in Boca Raton, Florida and Las Vegas. Bob is appearing at the New York Comedy Club in Boca Raton, Florida this Friday and Saturday with KC and Jim Florentine. He's also appearing at Beecher's Comedy Mad House at the Hard Rock Casino in Las Vegas with Artie and KC on Saturday, January 31st. Check out his web site revboblevy.net for more details and more upcoming dates.
Howard played some audio clips from last night's ''American Idol'' and goofed on some of the people who auditioned. He threw in Robin's karaoke performance from a couple of months back. There were a lot of weirdos on the show according to Howard. He played one where a guy rapped in either Chinese or Japanese. A female contestant sounded like a man when she sang. There were twins that sounded awful when they sang. Howard had a clip of one chick who was skat singing and didn't impress anyone. Levy said that someone should just hit her in the head with a brick. Howard threw in Gary's karaoke performance before giving up on the ''American Idol'' stuff.
Yucko the Clown called in around 9:45 but his horrible cell phone cut out before he had a chance to say much. All he got in were a few horn honks and a ''Happy belated birthday!'' for Howard. As Howard was asking him if he was on a cell phone, it cut out and hung up. Howard had Robin start her news shortly after that.
During the news Howard mentioned there was a really funny clip that someone sent him from ConsumptionJunction.com. Howard described the clip quickly and said that people would find it pretty amusing. KC told him that it's listed under something like ''Reptile Attack.''
Howard started off the morning talking about some stuff in the news. He said he saw a sad piece of news about a guy named Jerry Nachman died. He said that he owed the guy a great debt of gratitude. He went on to talk about how they interviewed a woman who owns Elaine's in New York City and she said that he had a beautiful mind. Howard said he agreed and liked the guy. He went on to talk about the days when he was starting out in radio and how poorly he was treated by this guy Gof Labar. Then he got a call from this guy Jerry from a station in Washington D.C. Howard said the guy suggested putting Howard and Robin on an all news station. He said it was a good idea but he didn't think his career would take off working on an AM radio station in Washington D.C. Howard said he wanted to work at WPLJ back then but they wanted him on at night and didn't want him talking. Jerry hooked him up with WNBC because he believed in Howard. That turned out to be a horrible place to work but Howard said the guy was great to him and felt sad when he found out he was dead.
Howard said he remembered hearing that Jerry was sick about 6 months ago so he sat down and wrote him a letter. He said that he hoped he would call him back but never heard from him. He said they weren't very close though. The guy had a lot of careers according to Howard. He said that he went from one job to another to challenge himself. Howard said he admired that because he could never do that.
Howard told Robin about Jerry's wife and how rich she was. He said she was hot and had a ton of money. He said he didn't think Jerry had to work when he married her but he kept on working anyway. Howard said that she thought that he was a big Teddy Bear and she was right according to Howard. He said that Jerry was the life of the party and could entertain. He said that he had a great mind and was sorry to see that he's gone.
Artie brought up the Howard Dean tape they were playing yesterday where he made a strange ''Yeah!'' noise while making a speech. Howard said that he's now seen the video tape and heard the audio and he doesn't think the guy is having a break down or ranting like some news reports said he was. Artie said there were some people standing behind him who looked at him like he was nuts. Howard said that it just seemed like he was giving a pep talk to his followers.
Artie said it was kind of like seeing one of the stiff sales guys going nuts at a Christmas party or something like that. Howard replayed the tape of Howard Dean going nuts again and said it just sounded like the guy was excited. They also threw in a porn clip of a woman getting very excited. Howard said the guy doesn't sound like he's lost his mind, he just sounds like he's into this whole campaigning thing. Fred played some AC/DC and Howard continued to play the Dean tape and porn clips over that. They were painting quite a picture with that stuff.
Howard took a call from a guy who complained that he had to hear about Scott the Engineer's son's band Vertigo Blue being mentioned in the plugs at the end of the show. Howard said he doesn't even know why he's getting plugs like that though. Scott came in to defend himself and to get another plug in for the band. They're performing at the Whiskey Bar in Hoboken tonight so Scott made sure to mention that. Howard got annoyed with him and kicked him out as he was getting in more plugs for the band. Howard told him to bring the band on ''American Idol'' or something like that.
Howard took a call from a guy who wanted to talk about Howard Dean's campaign manager. He said the guy looked like Columbo but Howard didn't seem to care. He got off the line with that guy and took a commercial break.
Howard said he told everyone about a video clip that he saw yesterday from ConsumptionJunction.com where this anchorman freaks out when a lizard jumps on him. Then there's a clip from Family Feud where a woman jumps up and down and her boob flies out at one point. He said that the clip is uncensored and you see her boob. He said that he's seen it a bunch of times and he's not tired of it. In another clip he watched there was a woman who lost her dentures while skydiving. He said that one was really funny as well. Richie from E! came in and told Howard that he gets some of those clips from StileProject.com. Howard said he recommends those clips because they're pretty funny.
Howard said he read this book ''The Five People You Meet in Heaven'' and talked about how much he enjoyed it. He explained the book to Robin and the guys. Robin started laughing at him and said that he claims he hates to read fiction. Howard said he liked the book and he doesn't read fiction, this book was about heaven.
A listener told Howard that some of those wacky videos that they were talking about can be found on StupidVideos.com. Howard took a few more phone calls after that. One guy said that they're thinking of putting up a sign on a bridge in New York City that says ''Oy Vey Leaving Brooklyn'' or something like that and the Jews are upset about it. Howard said that's kind of funny and he doesn't know why people get so upset about stuff like that. He said Jews are nervous people in general so that's probably why they get so freaked out by stuff like that.
Howard brought up the Family Feud clip he was talking about earlier. He wasn't sure who the host was in the clip he saw. Robin said it's the guy from Home Improvement. Louie Anderson gave up the gig. Howard said that Louie is a funny guy but he's disturbing to look at. He said that he holds the microphone like it's a hot dog. He went on to say that he'd love to host a game show like that. It's got to be a great gig.
Howard had a clip of Dick Gephardt crying at some event. He played that goofed on the guy a little bit. He took a break shortly after that.
The caller said that it's a lose, lose situation no matter what. She throws parties all the time and if he breaks it off, he won't be able to go and meet the hot chicks that show up there. Howard said that in his cartoon ''Howard Stern the High School Years'' there will be an episode where he and his buddies go to a party where they think they're going to hook up. Even the fat chicks don't talk to him at that party. Howard told the caller that he should feel lucky that he even got laid by the fat chick.
Howard hung up on the guy after he kept asking the same questions over and over again. Howard took another call after that. A guy said that he had sex with a mother and a daughter at the same time. He said that the mother was smokin and the daughter was only 18. The guy said he swore on his father's grave that it happened. Howard asked him how it all happened but the guy ended up cursing. He had the delay hit on him at least once. He told Howard that the mother was really hot. He cursed again and had to have the delay hit on him again. It had just happened two days before so he was still excited about the whole thing.
Howard tried to find out who the women looked like but interrupted himself when he decided to complain about Sarah Jessica Parker and how she's in the paper complaining about how she can't read the last script of ''Sex and the City'' because it's too hard for her. He and Robin talked about how it was all her idea to end the show and if she's so upset, she should just continue it. He also talked about ''Friends'' coming to an end and how they should just keep that show going with new people to replace the people who want to leave the show. Matt LeBlanc is going to keep doing a show so they should just keep it going. If the girls want to leave, let them leave. Howard said if Courtney Cox and Jennifer Aniston want to leave, let them leave and get two new chicks to replace them. Howard said that David Schwimmer isn't going anywhere and could stick with that show a little longer.
Howard got back to the caller's story and asked him about what happened when he took this chick out. He said he went home with the mother, who was about 35, and as he was going to the bathroom with a ''stiff one'' he saw a light flashing. That's when he saw the mother laying in bed with the daughter. He said that the flashing light was the woman taking a picture of his penis as he was walking down the hall. Howard didn't believe his story and neither did other callers. One caller said that the guy probably banged a son and his father.
The guy on the line said that he got oral from both the mother and the daughter. He said he didn't use any protection though. Howard said that if this guy can produce these two chicks on his show, he would give him some prize money. Howard asked him if he could make that happen. The guy wasn't sure that he could make it happen.
High Pitch Erik called in and asked the guy when he banged the mother. He didn't seem to get the story but Howard thought he just didn't understand what he was saying. Howard asked Gary if they had any money to give the guy to help him get these two chicks in the studio. Howard told the guy that if he got them down there tomorrow, he'd give him $2000 courtesy of the movie ''Comic Book.'' The guy wanted to get his band played on the air instead but Howard said it's just the money. The guy wanted a different offer but Howard said that was it. He broke down a minute later and said that he'd play some of his music if he actually shows up. Howard said if the song kicks ass, he'll play it all the way through. If it's no good, he'll just play some of it.
Howard put the guy on hold and said that it's possible that he actually did this. He went on to talk about this list of rules that someone told him about. He read the list and talked about some of the stuff on the list. Here are some of the ''rules for women'':
Joan Rivers came in shortly after that discussion. Howard said that Joan looks amazing for her age... whatever that age is. She and Howard spent a minute talking about the woman who recently died while getting some plastic surgery done. Howard said that he thought about Joan when he read the story about that woman dying. Joan still thinks that plastic surgery is great though. She said she's not getting that much done these days.
Howard said that she's still doing guys too. Joan said she had a man down in Australia but it was too far for her. Joan said she has been trying to get to know herself better lately. She read a book called ''Get in Touch With Your Vagina.'' She said that she's been looking at her vagina lately because it's been falling. She said one day she wondered why she was wearing one bunny slipper.
Howard said Joan and Melissa Rivers will be doing interviews on the Red Carpet at the Golden Globe awards this weekend. Howard said he loves when they do that stuff. He and Joan talked about how popular that is and how she should never give it up. Joan said that she told Kathie Lee Gifford not to leave her show because it would be a huge mistake. She was right. Howard said that Kelli Ripa has her own sitcom and has gone farther than Kathie Lee ever went with her career.
Howard and Joan talked about Regis and some of the other shows that have her on regularly. She mentioned Wayne Brady and said that she had some great appearances on his show. Joan said that Ellen Degeneres hasn't had her on her show and she doesn't know why. She said that she treated Ellen with respect back when people were giving her a hard time about her sex life and stuff. Joan said she's been asked to do Sharon Osbourne's show but she hasn't done it yet. She said she'd be willing to do it.
Howard asked Joan about some of the people she doesn't like. Kathy Bates was one of them. Joan said she made fun of her weight one time and she hasn't talked to her since then. Russell Crowe was another one. She said that he told someone she works with ''F*** You'' when she congratulated him on an award he won.
Howard and Joan also talked about Alec Baldwin and Avril Lavigne. Joan said that Alec is very arrogant and he hasn't done anything great in his career. She said you have to earn your arrogance.
Howard heard that Frank Sinatra once tried to get Joan. Joan said that it was many years ago at Caesar's Palace. She said that he was very attractive and she was very fond of him back then. She said that she was working with him and he kind of liked her. Joan said there were a few other guys who wanted her as well. She said that Carey Grant hit on her as well. Howard gave Joan a few more plugs for the stuff she's got going on. She's doing some shows and appearing on QVC selling her stuff there.
Raymond Norman (the ''Oprah Winfrey, negro woman from the South'' guy) called in to talk to Joan. He said he didn't want to ask her anything, he just wanted to say that he follows her career and uses her term ''tramp'' in his life quite a bit. Raymond started to ramble a bit so Howard cut him off and hung up on him. Another caller said that she seems to have lost her comedic abilities after all of the plastic surgery. Joan asked Howard to hang up on him so he did. Then High Pitch Erik called in and didn't get to say much before Joan asked him to hang up on him as well. They spent a couple more minutes talking about the Golden Globe Awards and stuff before Howard wrapped up the interview.
Howard said a lot of people wrote in about how Artie is the best. He read through a bunch of those emails. Another e-mailer said that it's about tim for a Cabbie and his mom reunion. Howard said that he got back together with his biological mother last year but was overwhelmed and stopped talking to her after she wanted to get to know him too well.
Howard played more of the Howard Dean tapes and played a porn clip over it so it sounded like Dean was getting a woman off with his enthusiastic speech. He then played Dan the Song Parody Man's (SongParodyMan.com) song parody featuring a bunch of songs where states are mentioned but with Dean's voice laid in over the tracks when he's yelling about the states they're going to.
Howard said he just found out that E! show producer Robin Radzinski has a boyfriend. He said he didn't know she was dating someone. Radzinski came in and said she met him last summer and he lives out in California. She said it's not all that serious since they live on opposite sides of the country. Robin said she met him while surfing. She claims that she seduced him since he was kind of shy. Radzinski told Howard how they went hiking when she was out visiting him in California. She said he was ready to leave and as he was driving off she yelled out his name and stopped him. She said she told him she had a crush on him and wanted to go back to his house with him. Howard said that the guy was rubbing her ass during a party they were at recently. She said she'll just seen him when she goes out to L.A. Howard said he's worried that she's going to quit her job to be with the guy. She said that's not going to happen.
Howard told Robin to bang someone in New York instead of California. She told Howard that they had the best night when she went home with him. She said that it was wildly sexual and not romantic. She said it was just mad, passionate sex. Howard said that he pictures the guy having a big hose. She said that he is a pretty big guy. She also said that it was probably a top 10 night as far as sex goes. Howard asked her how many times he did her that day. She said it was probably about 3 times. She said she orgasmed more than 3 times but it was 3 sessions with him total.
Robin Quivers said that she's had nights like that as well. Artie said he's never been in the room when a woman has an orgasm. Howard said that's the ''new poon'' sex that made that happen and he'd like to see him make that happen in 3 years. Howard asked her what else made it so good for her. She said he was just a very affectionate guy. She said he was also rough at the same time.
Artie said that he was eating the guy's duck while he was busy feeling Robin's ass. Howard and the guys spent a little longer talking to Robin about that stuff before Radzinski left the studio.
A listener called in and said that he had a problem with something Artie said yesterday during the show. The caller thought Artie referred to Martin Luther King day as ''Nig*** Day.'' Howard and Robin said that Artie was referring to a phone call they'd gotten earlier in the show but the caller said that was not the case and it was hate speech. Artie said he didn't even use the full N-word like the phone caller had earlier in the morning that day. The guy on the phone refused to accept that as the explanation but that's what it was.
Howard went on to talk about Martin Luther King Jr. and what a great man he really was. He read some pieces of his speeches and talked about how smart the guy was. He said it's too bad someone shot him. He continued to read some of his stuff and talked about him for a short time after that.
Howard asked Andrea to tell him just one thing she does on the DVD that she can tell him about. She said it's not done and wouldn't say what she does. Howard told her that if she wants an idea, she should stun gun her private parts.
Dave told Howard that when he has to write something, he needs the TV on. He said he needs some inspiration once in a while and the TV helps. Howard said he has to have the TV off when he writes.
Dave told Howard how funny the song parody was that Dan the Song Parody Man put together. Howard played it again as he was going to break. Dave stuck around for Robin's news.
Howard mentioned that Howard Dean was on the list so the guys spent a little time talking about his wacky speech. Howard told Dave he doesn't think it was all that weird to him. Dave told Howard that the Rocky theme would sound good under that speech. They tried it and he was right. It went along with the speech pretty well. They also tried it with the Hitler speech they have on tape. It goes along with it pretty well too.
Howard and the guys spent a couple more minutes talking about the Howard Dean speech and how some people are thinking he may be a bit too unstable to be President. He'd have his finger on ''the button'' and could nuke anyone who pisses him off. Howard joked that Goldust from the WWE would be his running mate. Dave asked to hear George Takei's laugh during that discussion. Fred threw that in as well a few other clips. Howard had Robin start her news right after that.
Howard said that the studio was so hot this morning he was ready to pass out. He wanted it lowered just a little bit. He said he was out jogging yesterday and did about 4 miles. Artie asked him why he doesn't use a treadmill. Howard said he was using one but he was hitting it wrong and his foot was going dead. When he runs outside he's fine. Robin said she had a similar problem with her foot from running on a treadmill. She said she went running outside 2 days ago and it was quite an experience.
Howard said that he read that Howard Dean is falling in the polls because of everyone goofing on the tape of him making the strange speech he made the other day. Howard said he didn't think it was all that bad but some people do. That led to Howard talking about Dean and the other nominees for a short time. He also said that he saw tape of Dorothy Lucy from Good Day Live talking about how Dean's speech was a breakdown. He said that she wouldn't know what a breakdown is. He goofed on her for a short time after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he heard that Andrew ''Dice'' Clay was kicked out of The Comedy Store after he poured a drink on Pauly Shore. Howard wondered what he was supposed to do with that information. The guy said he just gets stuff like that to get on the show. Howard ended up getting pissed at the guy for even bringing that up and ended up hanging up on him.
Howard talked about the people who appear on American Idol and said he wonders if people are that dumb. He said after taking a phone call like the previous one, he knows that they are that stupid. Howard went on to say that Dice doesn't appear at the Comedy Store anymore because he's not funny.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked Howard how old he thinks that Dorothy Lucy is. Howard wasn't sure but said that her voice is really annoying. Artie also pointed out that she was the one who threw in a story about Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck calling off their wedding during coverage of 9/11. Howard said he'd still bang her though. He said she's still good looking. Howard played tape of her bringing up that story as they were talking about people who lost family in the World Trade Center attacks. They continued to talk about that stuff for a short time and goofed on her a little more.
A listener called in and brought up the boots that Howard got for his daughter for Christmas and how they were the wrong size. The caller thought that maybe his kid told him the wrong size to test him out to find out if he'd get the right size. Howard ended up getting pissed at the guy and hanging up on him.
Howard and a phone caller talked about President Bush and some of the stuff they don't agree with. Howard said based on some things that are going on with the country, he wouldn't vote for Bush. He said he still has to wait to hear what John Kerry has to say before he makes a decision about whether or not he would vote for him. Howard and the guys talked about Bush and how other countries think he's nuts after some of the stuff he's done and that's a good thing. Howard said that if there was no war on terror, Bush would be out of there real fast. Howard took a couple more phone calls and then took a commercial break.
A listener called in about the guy who called in yesterday claiming that he banged a mother and her daughter. Howard said he was going to come in with both of them but Gary called him yesterday and it sounded like he was going to come in. Gary came in and said that he called the guy last night and he was at a doctor's appointment for 6 hours so he figures he was not telling the truth. He won't be coming in.
Howard said they had a lot of requests for Dan the Song Parody Man's (SongParodyMan.com) remix of Howard Dean's speech with a bunch of songs where states are mentioned. Howard played the song and said that it really is good. He thanked Dan for sending them the song.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who wondered why Howard doesn't believe in extraterrestrials. Howard said he doesn't believe in them because he hasn't seen any. The guy wondered how Howard could say that knowing that there are billions of planets out there. Howard was trying to explain it to him but had to hang up on him after he cursed. He said from now on if someone uses the F-word on the show he's going to hang up on them instead of giving them a warning.
Double A called in and asked Howard about what his greatest moment was on the show for him. Howard thought the question was ridiculous and said that there were a lot of great moments on the show. He said the phone call wasn't one of the great moments. Howard sounded very irritated by the call and had to hang up on him.
Howard said that he has a terrible tragedy going on his life... His TiVo didn't record ''Smallville.'' Robin figured there was a conflict but Howard said there wasn't. He said that it recorded an hour but it was just a blank screen. Robin said she recorded it and will give him her copy. Howard said he wants a Presidential candidate that can get everyone a clear copy of Smallville every week. He and Robin talked about ''Angel'' for a little while too. Howard said the director of that show should turn on some lights. He said it's way too dark as far as the lighting goes. He and Robin said that the director of Smallville has plenty of light and he's good.
Robin said the thing that annoys her about Smallville is the fact that Clark Kent loses his powers every single week. Howard said that annoys him as well. He talked about how stupid it is when the guy loses his powers like that. He also hates shows where there is a mistaken identity. Howard said he as offered a show like that and had to turn it down because it would have been horrible.
Robin said The Hulk is like mistaken identity but Howard said that's not true. He went on to talk about the movie that Sandra Bullock did where her identity was stolen. He said that was ridiculous and so were the many other shows that had similar stories. Robin told Howard that he must have watched American Idol instead of Smallville last night. He said he has a TV guide but there's so much stuff in there he can't find what he wants to watch. Robin told him that his TiVo has a schedule on it as well and he could just pop that up. Howard said that he's gotten so annoyed with that stuff that he wants to go back to basic cable and get rid of his satellite. Howard said he has given up on that stuff and doesn't want to screw around with it.
Howard said that he liked Donald Trump's ''The Apprentice'' but hasn't watched more than the first episode. Robin said that people who are watching and enjoying that show seem to be people who don't have jobs. She said that Ralph loves it. Howard also said that he has tapes of ''The O.C.'' that he hasn't been able to watch over the past couple of weeks. Artie said he doesn't know how Howard can possibly do what he does and still have time to watch that show every week. Robin told Howard that there's a new show called ''Line of Fire'' that's really racy for a network TV show. The guys also talked about The Sopranos. Howard said he's sick of waiting for a new season to come around though.
Howard said he can't wait for the movie Von Helsing to come out later this year. He said that movie sounds like it should be good. He said he likes any movie with Frankenstein, the Werewolf or Dracula in it.
Howard went on to read the interview Chaunce did with this woman and she said some stuff about a friend of hers who was interviewed by Howard and was asked if she liked anal. Howard said he's tired of this woman commenting on him. He said she should just say that she only worked with him for 30 seconds and she doesn't really know him.
Howard said that the friend that Leslie Bib was talking about was Catherine Bell. Howard said the reason that chick got pissed at him wasn't because of the anal questions, it was because he asked her about Scientology. Howard went off on both of them for a minute and then Chaunce mentioned something about Howard getting a deal with ABC. Howard freaked out and said that he hadn't mentioned that yet and hung up on him. He had to try to relax after that because he was planning on doing a whole segment on that thing and Chaunce blew it.
Artie mentioned some of the other freaks that Howard is fighting with like Brooke Burke and Leslie Bib. Howard flipped out over Brooke's comments as well. He said he just wanted to yell out the F-word after talking about that stuff but held back and said he'd do it during the break. He had Fred start the commercials right after that.
Howard took the call from this guy Gary who says that he knows where Osama is. He said that he doesn't want the reward money because he knows that he'd probably get killed over it. The guy says he thinks that the government knows where he is and they're not capturing him because of political reasons. Howard said he doesn't believe that's the case though.
Gary told Howard that there are a lot of people in Pakistan who know where Osama is. That's where he is according to this guy and he had a vague description of where he's located. He said that he doesn't even think the guy is ''hiding.'' He may just be hanging out there. The guy told Howard that he was within 3 miles of Osama when he was over in Pakistan doing work for his gem business and finishing up his book.
The guy gave Howard some specifics about which tribe Osama is being protected by and that there are people looking for him over there but they can't get him. A guy called in claiming to be Osama. He said that Gary is wrong and he's actually a cab driver in New York City... and he doesn't pick up any black people.
Howard gave Gary a couple of plugs for his book ''The Gem Hunter'' and his web site Gems-Afghan.com. He said that if you order his book they'll send you a free 1 carat gem stone worth about $20.
Howard said that he didn't want to do it at first. He said it really wasn't something he wanted to do. Then he told them that he wants to join ABC as a full fledged news man for ABC. They told him that the other news people would go nuts if that happened. They had to get back to him before agreeing to that.
Howard said Lloyd Braun told him that everyone would quit if they made him a news man. Then they asked Howard for a list of people he'd like to interview. Howard said that was too much work right there. Then his agent called him and said that there was a real deal on the table. Howard figured that it would all fall apart before it actually happened. Then they asked him to meet with the producer that was going to work with him for the interviews. He said they talked for a long time and had a good time. He said they were talking about asked him what he wanted to call the show.
Howard said he's not going to be a member of the ABC news crew but he will be doing some interviews. He said he knows that some people are going to be pissed about it but they'll have to deal with that. Howard read the article that said Howard will get one hour long special that will test the waters for future shows. It will allow him to become the same type of interviewer as a Barbara Walters or Diane Sawyer.
Howard said he'd love to interview Roy of Siegfried and Roy. He also said he'd like to interview Steven Hawkings and ask him how he dumped his first wife. He went on to read the story about the TV special and how ABC knows that he's the best interviewer. Howard pointed out that his own company doesn't realize that. He pointed out that Les Moonves hates him and has always hated him. He's going to go out to prove a point to CBS about his interviewing skills.
The article pointed out that Howard just turned 50 this year. When he read that he said it hurt to say that. He said the shows will be pre-taped so he won't have full control over the show.
Captain Janks called in and said the best interview would be with Kathie Lee Gifford. Howard said that she's on his list and thinks that if she did the interview, it would kickstart her career. He put the word out that if she wants to get noticed, he's there. Janks said he'd like to be a phone screener for Howard. Robin said she can't wait for the promos for this show. He'll be doing all kinds of interviews with the shows on ABC. Howard said he'd dress in a Star Trek outfit or something for all of the interviews he does. He said he wouldn't even reference it.
Howard said that he will probably do two interviews for the hour long special. He doesn't want to do interviews with Beetlejuice types like Artie suggested. Artie also said that the government should force Saddam Hussein to do an interview with him. Howard said that he would drive the guy nuts asking him sex stuff. He also mentioned Charles Manson and wondered how that would go. Fred played a tape of Manson rambling and Howard pretended to do an interview with him.
King of All Blacks called in and congratulated him on the show. He told him to be a little conservative when he does these interviews. He gave him some suggestions on what to wear but Robin thought they were ridiculous. He was suggesting a black shirt with white cuffs. He said he can't wear that hip-hop stuff he wears when he's on ABC.
Howard got back to the article and said that Barbara Walters and Star Jones are already being asked about what they think about him doing the interview show. They were't available for comment. In the article they also point out how obvious it is that Howard isn't doing this for his own company on CBS. Howard said he's working with the WB on the Robert Schimmel show and with a couple of other networks on other shows. Howard said that Les Moonves from CBS just doesn't believe in him. He said he has deals with every other network except his own.
KC said that the guy had to guess if Gary or a soccer mom did this stuff in the past week. He had to get 3 out of 5 correct. Here are the things he had to choose from and who actually did it:
Howard gave the caller his $500 in winnings and got off the line with him. KC had a few other things that Gary had to do at home. He said that Gary gave the kids showers, cleaned the basement and wiped his kid's ass. Stuttering John was finding all of this stuff very amusing. He was laughing and saying that he hasn't had to wipe his daughter's ass since she was 3 or 4 years old.
John also pointed out that those were things that Gary has done in the past week alone. He's like a stay at home mother. Gary said that he doesn't do the dishes but he has done the whole family's laundry before. Howard said that he tried to help his daughter out with her 5th grade homework yesterday and it was tough. He explained one of the logic questions she had and he just didn't get it.
Howard asked Gary if he ever vacuums his house. Gary said he never does that but has taken out a dust buster to clean up a mess before. Howard said he had to have vacuumed at one point but he says they have someone come in to do that stuff.
Gary said that he made a huge mistake at dinner one night recently. He said he told John what he makes working at the station. John said when he found out what he makes he was yelling in the hotel room to his wife about how he can't believe how much he makes. John said the way he got him to say how much he makes. He said he didn't know he was making so much. He always thought it was lower. Gary said that in total, John probably makes more than he makes. Gary said that Tom tells him how much John and some of the other guys make because he's their boss. John didn't think that was right but Howard said that Gary is their boss so he should know what they make.
KC said that he fell for the same thing a few years ago and told John how much he makes. John tried to find out how much Howard is going to get paid to do the ABC special. Howard wasn't talking. John said that he thinks that Fred is worth $5 million or so. He said that Fred says that he's no worth even $2 million. Howard said he had to take a break because they'd gone so long with this discussion.
John wanted Howard to swear that he's not worth over $100 million. Howard told him he's been divorced and he wasn't going to talk about that stuff. Howard wanted to kick John out of the studio but he said something about Fred and how he's an idiot of he isn't worth over $2 million at this point in his life. Fred thanked him for that. He said not only is he poor but dumb as well. John said he figures out that Fred has to be making something close to what Jackie was making and he knows how much that was. Howard kept telling John to get out of there but John was arguing with him. He eventually left but Howard and the guys continued to talk about what a pain in the ass John is with the money questions.
Issac from E! came in and told a story about John going around a big table of people asking them how much they make. Issac said it was really uncomfortable. Howard said that if he was worth the amount that John said he was, he'd be out of there already.
In the first clip he's thanking the men and women of the armed forces. There's music playing really loud in the background as he's trying to talk. Robin wanted to hear more of that but Howard said he had to cut it off and move on to some other clips. The tape was 13 minutes long so he couldn't play the whole thing. In the next clip Raymond rambles on and on about Michael Jackson's child molestation charges.
Raymond claimed that there was a ''smoking gun'' revelation in this tape but the only thing that they heard was something about Barry Gordy sleeping with Jackson that even Raymond said wasn't true. He also did some research in his neighborhood asking some young boys about a picture of Michael Jackson. A 13 year old said that Jackson looked like a woman. A 12 year old said that he looked like a girl. What that proved, no one will know.
Howard played some other clips and tried to figure out what he was trying to say. Gary said Raymond was saying that if the rumors about Jackson and Barry Gordy were true that would prove something. Howard couldn't believe that's what they paid $400 for. There was nothing in the tape that was worth that money.
Howard read some e-mail after that. Someone wrote in and said they wanted to hear the movie clip of the woman being forced to say ''Nig*** F*** me hard.'' Howard played that again and read some other e-mail. Some people wrote in about Dave Chappelle and how good he is when he's on. Someone else wrote in and told Howard not to have Joan Rivers on the show again. Howard said he likes having her on and that's what matters.
Howard took a call from a guy who wanted to play The Homeless Game. Howard played the first couple of questions about where the homeless guy lives and then asked him what sport is played in the Super Bowl. The guy had some trouble but got it right. He then moved on to the game and told the guy he had to get 2 out of 3 right to win $500. The caller barely understood the game though. He thought he had to answer the questions. Howard told him he had to guess whether or not the homeless guy would know. Here are the questions and the homeless guy's answers:
Howard took a different call and played the next set of questions. Here they are:
Howard took another call and played another game. He said that this caller had to get 3 out of 5 correct. Here are the questions he had to guess at:
Howard said that the last time Jeff was on the show he talked about the basketball games they play at Garry Shandling's house. Jeff said that he hasn't heard from Garry Shandling since then. He said he got an e-mail from Gary a few days after it and hasn't heard anything since then. Jeff didn't think they spent that much time talking about it and it wasn't anything bad. He said that Shandling wanted him to e-mail him his version of what happened that day. Jeff said that pissed him off. He was willing to send over a tape of what happened but he didn't hear back from him. Jeff said he really doesn't care anymore and doesn't worry about that stuff.
Howard and the guys were goofing on the whole thing and joked about some of the other ''celebrities'' who play in the game. Jeff said that David Duchovny and Sarah Silverman have both talked about the basketball game on Howard's show so he doesn't understand why Shandling would be so upset with him. He joked that he was moving over to Pat Cooper's shuffleboard game instead.
Howard took a few phone calls after that story. One guy said that he finally watched Howard's movie after all of these years. He said he's been a fan of the show for a long time but hadn't seen it. Howard wondered how a fan could go that long without seeing the movie.
Howard had Robin start her news after that call. Jeff stuck around to comment on some of the stories she brought up. They didn't have any audio clips for her news though so he decided to take a break so they could straighten that out.
Howard had Chris Booker on the line. He used to be a DJ at his radio station but now he works for Entertainment Tonight. Howard said he has about 8 different spellings for his name in his computer. He said he can't figure out which one has the right phone number. Booker said that he was actually calling in to interview Howard about his new ABC TV show. Howard told him if he wants an interview, he should get him J-Lo for his new show. Howard told Booker that he's basically going to replace Barbara Walters. He said she'll stay around until she retires.
Booker is dating Jennifer Lopez's sister so Howard asked him how she's doing. Howard said that he's really into Linda these days too. Booker threw in a few more questions about the new TV show and if he's going to continue to do radio. Howard said he's going to quit radio in 2 years and he'll do shows for ABC if he can. Booker asked him if he's just tired of radio and if he's doing the TV show because of that.
Howard told Booker that he's not tired of doing radio even though he'd just said he's leaving radio in 2 years. He told Booker that the only thing he's tire of is him. He went on to talk about how Booker is moving in on Ben and J-Lo's relationship. They talked about that for a short time.
Howard said that Booker has to do a lot of gay stuff for Entertainment Tonight. He did an interview with Home and Garden magazine or something and he was sitting there with a cup of tea. Ralph called in as well and said that Booker has to be friendly with all of the guys on Entertainment Tonight. He talked about the things that Booker has done since he got on that show and complained that it was too gay. Jeff Cesario said the whole phone call was gay. Howard wrapped it up shortly after that. He had Robin get back to her news right after that.
Howard said that he had to go record commercials after the show yesterday and had a meltdown. He said he was just listening to the tape of that before the show. He told Robin about the commercial he was reading and how bad the copy was that he was reading. He said he thought the place was in California but wasn't sure about it. He wasn't in the mood to begin with and it just pissed him off when he read the bad copy.
Howard said this place Perry Winkles is a fine place but whoever wrote the copy didn't do a very good job. The place is actually in Burlington, Vermont. Howard said in the copy they wanted him to say that people should go into the store and ask them to put one in Manhattan. He thought that was ridiculous so he flipped out.
Howard had Fred play Casey Kasem freaking out while reading some stuff from his countdown show. Kasem gets pissed about the things that are going on in the studio and about the script he's reading. Howard said the stuff seems important at the time. You later realize that it didn't matter. Howard played the tape of himself freaking out after reading the bad copy. Howard was complaining about the writing and how no one was going to walk into that store and ask them to open one in Manhattan. Howard said Anne Marie just sat there quietly as all of that was going on. The engineer didn't say anything either.
Howard said that he really doesn't have a problem with the store, he just didn't like the copy. He played the tape again before moving on to other stuff.
A listener called in and asked Howard to replay the Howard Dean tapes he's been playing lately. Howard played them for the guy who wanted a friend of his to hear the stuff over his speaker phone. He played a few different versions of song parodies that feature that tape including Dan the Song Parody Man's medley of songs that have mentions of different states. The lyrics were replaced with Dean's excited mentions of the states. He had a new one to the tune of ''Insane in the Membrane.'' They also played AC/DC's ''For Those about to Rock'' with Dean's odd sounding yell thrown in.
A listener called in and said that Howard Dean has earned his vote because of the way he ran his state as governor. He gave Howard a couple of examples of what he did for the people there and said he will vote for them. Howard said he didn't find that speech of his that crazy either. Howard and the caller spent a couple of minutes talking about Dean. Artie said that Dean's reaction was like the total opposite of someone like Dick Cheney who just sits there doing nothing.
Howard said that David Letterman runs a clip of George W. Bush doing something very disturbing that they should show to everyone. During a commercial break Bush uses a woman's dress to clean his glasses. Howard wasn't sure if it was real or not.
Vinnie Favale from CBS called in and told Howard that the George W. Bush clip on Letterman was real. He said that he used the woman's sweater to clean his glasses. Vinnie works for Letterman so he would know if it's real or not. Howard said he thinks that Bush must have forgotten that there was an audience there or something. Vinnie said even if he was joking around it was still disturbing. Howard got back to the Howard Dean speech which some people are calling a ''tirade.'' Howard said he doesn't think it was a tirade. He took a break a short time after that.
Howard said that John Mainelli wrote a funny article in the NY Post about his new ABC show. He said the article was kind of funny but they have a picture of him in there which is his face stuck onto a blonde haired woman's body. He said that they're having a good laugh at his expense. He said he doesn't know what he's done to them but they always do something to make him look bad.
A woman called in and said that her husband made her listen to his show for the first time. She just wanted to call in and thank him for defending Howard Dean's speech from the Iowa Caucus. Howard ended up hanging up on the woman because he was getting annoyed with her. He said that he feels bad for the guy who's married to her.
Howard took another call and got annoyed with this woman just as quick. She had her speaker phone on and sounded horrible. Howard got so annoyed with this call that he started singing over her. Howard wanted to play a game with her and see if he could stay awake through the call. The woman went on to say that Howard should teach a class in high school about marriage or something like that. He got fed up with her call and hung up on her as well.
A guy called in and wanted to talk about the Carmen Electra show that was on E! last night. He was also trying to find out if Howard banged her or at least Bukkaked her. Howard said he didn't do anything like that and was just a gentleman. Howard also talked about how great it was to feel up Carmen on the show last week. Artie said that Dana asked him about feeling up Carmen but he just used Dennis Rodman's excuse and told her that her breasts just fell out of the ceiling. Howard said that Beth's brother tells her about stuff like that when he sees it happen on the show. He said her mother is listening to the show now as well.
Howard said that if someone like Carmen Electra puts her boobs near him, he's going to feel them if she lets him. Artie said he woudn't turn it down either. Robin said she saw Carmen on the MTV show she and her husband did. She said she didn't think she was that good looking on the show. Howard said he thought she looked great though. He went on to say that he figured out what the problem was. He said that he's such a good looking guy that he makes Carmen look bad. He described Dave as wearing even tighter jeans than Carmen and being even more petite. Artie said that's the problem with Dana, she makes him look heavy because she's so small.
Howard said that the E! people have been bleeping a lot of words these days. They're blurring out a little less stuff but they're bleeping out words even more. He said there seems to be a new sensitivity over there for some reason.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said she knew that Howard would make it to prime time some day and congratulated him on his ABC deal. She seemed to think that it had something to do with his Letterman appearance but Howard said it was in the works before that. Howard said there's a lot of excitement around the new show and everyone should be celebrating.
Howard said that the ABC special will only happen if there's someone out there that he wants to interview. He said he'd like to get someone like J-Lo, Paris Hilton or even Howard Dean. Yesterday he said he'd like to interview Kathie Lee Gifford but Robin said she doesn't want to see that.
A listener said he knows that Howard will come in the day after the show airs and will complain about how it was edited. Howard said he's willing to give it a shot though. He said he knows there's some stuff they're not going to allow on the air but he will give it a try anyway. If they edit it too much, he won't do another one. He said it might just work out fine.
Another caller asked Howard about the ABC deal and if he's signed a contract or not. Howard said he has signed a deal but he always announces this stuff too early. Howard said he has a lot of stuff in the works but there's nothing on the air at this point. The caller also asked about the E! uncensored DVD. Howard said he wasn't happy with the outcome of the DVD and wants to keep working on it. Howard ended up getting pissed about the questions coming from the guy and hung up on him.
Howard read the article in the NY Post about his new ABC deal. Howard said he would have loved it if the ABC News department all walked out if they made him part of the news team. He said he would have gone into work dressed in a Star Trek uniform as a goof. He thought that would have been pretty funny. Artie did his impression of George Takei as a goof during that discussion. Howard said that no one would leave that place if he was part of the news program. He said that Barbara Walters would stick around because she's been there so long already. Howard said ''Even the French got used to Hitler...''
A guy called in and told Howard that the celebrities that won't come on his radio show probably won't do an ABC special. Howard said he figures that someone out there will think that it's going to be a real interview and actually do it. It won't be his radio show so it will be a completely different type of interview. He said he thinks it'll make a great special. Howard went to break after talking about that.
Howard brought up Joe Namath and how he went on TV a while back after drinking all day. He ended up telling the female broadcaster that he wanted to kiss her. Howard said that's what a guy is supposed to do. He wasn't flying an airplane or something, he was just hitting on the chick. Now he's gone to alcohol counseling because that was a wake up call to him. Howard said he's a pussy and shouldn't be so upset about what he did. They played the tape of that incident. Howard said he just had a couple of shots of bravery and was hitting on her.
Howard said he's planning a party for his friends and hired the person who Robin used for his birthday celebration. Howard said he heard that Artie went through two bottles of Jack Daniels that night. Artie didn't believe that he drank that much but Howard said that no one else was drinking that stuff. Howard said he was really wasted that night and he'd never seen him that drunk. Artie said that he was feeling extra ugly that night. Howard said that Artie was so drunk that he knocked over a bunch of glasses that night as well. Then his girlfriend wanted to dance and Artie didn't want to do that so she ended up dancing with some other guys. Artie said that he can only drink about 4 or 5 times a week these days because he gets some nasty hangovers the day after.
Mike was on both the phone and the ISDN line and the sound was completely messed up. Howard just laughed as it was going on. There was a nasty echo. Howard asked Mike to say ''I am going to kill all of the earthlings if they don't meet my demands.'' Mike didn't want to do that though.
Howard had Mike get on to his game. Here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Howard replayed the tape of himself freaking out during a commercial recording session yesterday after the show. They also played Orson Wells freaking out during a recording session he did many years ago.
Ken Baker from Us magazine was on the line but Howard said he always calls in and doesn't have all that much to say. Howard said he contacted them about Jennifer Lopez who he claims to have had lunch with yesterday. He's claiming that he broke the story about Jen and Ben's breakup.
Ken said they put the story on their web site UsMagazine.com. He said they actually broke up on Tuesday night. Ken said he heard about that and had lunch with Jen the next day. He said that Jen was tired of Ben and how he didn't want to have a baby and start a family. Ken also said that she was hanging out with P. Diddy down in Florida so that may have been her testing the waters for leaving Ben.
Howard pointed out that Jen was married already and could have started a family with Cris Judd. Ken went on to tell Howard how he saw Jen out at a restaurant and she looked really good. She was very sexy looking swearing tight jeans and all. Howard said he's seen that ass in person and it's bigger than you could possibly imagine. He said even though black guys say that they like that, there's no way that's possible. He wondered why she hides her ass in
Chaunce Hayden called in and said that this guy Ken never tells them anything when he calls in. Chaunce said that he always tells them everything but Robin said what he tells them turns out to be wrong anyway. He hung up on Chaunce before he could say anything else.
Ken got back to his story and said that Jen's ass looks much better in person than it does in pictures. Howard said he's never seen anything like it before. It's huge and shouldn't be in white clothes, it should be in black. Howard said her sister has a better body. He said that Jen's ass would intimidate him if he was in bed with her.
Ken said that Jen wanted to tell him what she thought of the story that was written about their possible break up. He said that her concern is that she doesn't want to come across as being pathetic. Howard and Robin said that he really didn't give them much of a story again. Howard said that his problem is that he's got stuff but it's too late by the time he calls in with it.
The caller also asked Howard about his movie and mentioned that there were a couple of people in his movie that are now on The Sopranos. That led to Howard talking about how much he enjoyed making the movie and how he'd love to make another one. He also talked about how Teri Hatcher came to visit him on the set. He said he had a great relationship with her and he blew it when he sent her an inappropriate email. Rosie Perez was around at the time as well but he doesn't know what happened to that relationship.
Howard said that he's going to give away a couple of prizes to listeners if he ever does a movie again. He said he's going to let some guys bring down any chick they want and hang out on the set. He said he'll even kiss their asses a little bit so they're just about guaranteed to get laid. Artie said he did something like that with David Spade. Spade told him to bring any chick he wanted to the set and he'd pretend that he was really important to the scene.
Howard told some other stories about guys helping guys try to get laid. He said they did that for a friend of his and he's been with this woman ever since then. Howard said he had to take a break but ended up talking about how he's organizing himself. He said he's keeping a list of everything he needs to do and how he's throwing a lot of stuff out to get himself organized. He said he's reading this book called ''Organizing Your Home Business'' and it's really helping him out. He said that he's helping Ralph get organized with the book as well. Robin said she needs to get that book for Mr. X because he's so disorganized.
Howard mentioned some of the guests he has coming up next week including Angie Everhart. He said that she's in Steppin' Out magazine talking about her relationship with him. Howard sid he had to hide the magazine from Beth the other day because he didn't want her reading about how Angie thinks they'd still be together if she hadn't moved to California. Artie said that he was thinking of him the other day and wondering what it's like when he and Beth are sitting there and Angie comes on the screen. Howard said that he just puts Angie down and says she looks horrible and how she's mental.
Howard said that Angie is back pedalling with the comments she made about him being the best lover she ever had. He said he might have to bang her again to remind her how good he is. Stuttering John came in and asked if he ''went down there'' with Angie. Robin told him that he said he did her really good so he must have gone down there. John also wanted Howard to talk about banging Carmen Electra but he said he swore that he never banged her.
Ralph called in and said that he thinks that Howard got Angie just in time when he had her because she's not looking that great these days. He said that she was hot back then and she ''expired like milk'' after he stopped going out with her. Howard had to take another break shortly after that.
KC told the guys that he used to pleasure himself to the point of finishing but he'd stop before he did. He said he did that just to prove that he could stop. It was a discipline thing. Howard and Robin seemed to think that was kind of strange.
Howard had some new game to play but they wanted to ask Robin some medical questions. Howard asked Robin if the AIDS virus is in a man's semen. Apparently Scott DePace was claiming that it had to be a blood to blood contact to spread it. DePace came in a short time later and said that he just researched it and found that it is in the semen but it still has to get into the blood stream somehow.
They were all talking about the ways that the virus could be spread. Robin said that it was highly unlikely that you could get it from kissing but it is possible. Stuttering John said that if he was ever with someone like Angie Everhart, he wouldn't use a condom. Gary told Howard that he just found out that Scott DePace had only used a condom one time in his life. Scott said that he thinks that you can kind of tell if a woman has an STD.
KC said that the next name was Whitie. It turned out to be KC's pet. Next up was Tippy. Robin said that had to be Gary. Howard said it had to be Artie. It was actually Fred's dog. Dickie was next up but everyone knew it was Howard's bird. Benjy had a dog named Latka but Howard didn't believe he even had a pet by that name. Howard didn't even want to talk to him about it.
KC ripped through a few more and said that Robin had another pet by the name of Shadow. Gary had one called Doxie. Artie never had any pets. Howard didn't like the game and bailed out on it shortly after that.
Howard had more of the Homeless game to play. The money they had to give away courtesy of the movie ''House of the Dead.'' He got a caller on the line and told him he had to get 3 out of 5 correct. He played the intro for this latest homeless interview. The guy could barely speak with his toothless mouth. Howard told the guy that if the caller could figure out if the guy would answer correctly or not, he'd win some money. Here are the questions that they asked the homeless guy:
Howard said that he learned something when he was looking for the Uggs boots for his daughter. He said that someone from Chukka brand told him that the Uggs name came from the Australian surfers who used to call them ''Ugly boots.'' That's where they got the Uggs brand name from. He had to take a break after mentioning that.