Howard said they had some nice weather out in New York this weekend. He said the nice weather cheered him up a bit. Howard said Artie wasn't there today because he was out in L.A. on sitcom business. He was wondering if Artie took that bet against Tiger Woods that he's taken the past few years. It turns out he didn't take the bet because the odds weren't that great. If he had taken it, he would have made some good money. Howard had to take a break so he did that right after talking about Tiger Woods for a few seconds.
After the break Howard said he got a call from his father last night. He hardly ever calls. He said his dad was very excited that the seven POWs were rescued over in Iraq. He said he'd spoken to a neighbor of his and that woman told him that the POWs were asked how they passed the time and they said that they ''swapped Howard Stern stories.'' Howard said he asked Gary to check into that and see if it was true or not. Gary figured they would have heard about that already if it was true. Gary did't think it sounded right to him. Meanwhile, Captain Janks had made a phony phone call over the weekend and Gary hadn't heard it yet. Howard played the call to let everyone hear what he did. Janks called in to a talk show and said that he was a relative of one of the POWs. He's the one who said that they passed the time by swapping Howard Stern stories. Howard said FOX news was bragging recently about how they don't get scammed and check their sources all the time. This time it was FOX that got scammed. Howard had Janks on the phone and he said someone in a bar he was at also believed it was a true story. Howard talked about the prank call for a couple of minutes. Janks said that from now on if someone legitimately brings up Howard's name, they're probably going to get cut off even if it's a true story. Howard thought that was pretty funny. He said he's not going to tell his father about this though. He's going to let him keep believing that it was a true story. Howard went on to talk about his father and how his hearing has gotten pretty bad lately. He wants him to go get it checked but his dad is very stubborn. Howard said he complains about people not enunciating their words but the main problem is his hearing.
Howard said he went to a Def Leppard concert on Friday night and it was pretty good. He said he couldn't hear for about 2 hours afterward. He said he gets this high hiss in his ears after going to a concert. He said he usually brings ear plugs with him to concerts but forgot them. He said he was only there for about a half hour. Howard said it was just too loud and some couple brought their 8 year old kid with them and the kid was holding his ears. Howard said he's not a big Def Leppard fan but they sounded pretty good. He said that one armed drummer can sure play. Howard said they kept bringing up New York and said some nice stuff about the troops. Howard said he didn't hear them perform ''Pour Some Sugar On Me'' but he did hear that song ''Fa, Fa, Fa Foolin.'' Fred played some old ''Fa Fa Fooey'' clips while Howard played around with that song.
Howard said he went to the concert with Ross and his girlfriend and they didn't get very good seats. He said he would have asked to get better tickets from Steve Kingston if he knew they'd have bad seats. Then he thought about it and said that maybe it was better that they weren't up close because his ears were ringing as it was. Howard took a call from a guy who said the band played for close to three hours that night.
Howard said he'd gone to the Citrus bar before going to the concert so he was a little wasted while he was at the concert. That was one of the reasons he had to get out of the concert.
Howard said he had his family over on Saturday. Then on Sunday he went to a English Bulldog show out on Long Island at a VFW hall. He said he brought his dog with him and let her play with the other dogs. He said he was there with his kids for about an hour. He said he didn't stick around for the judging, he just hung around for an hour and left. He learned that people get their bulldogs shiny coats by giving them eggs. He said he gave his dog one and she pushed the other food away and just ate the egg. Howard also said he's been experimenting with taking Claratin to see if he's allergic to his dog. He said he took it yesterday for the first tim and it cleared him right up. He said it was the first time in a long time he was cleared up. He said he must be allergic to something but he's not sure it's the dog.
A listener called in and said that there was a great picture of Rebecca Romijn-Stamos on the cover of one of the newspaper magazines that came out yesterday. Howard said the new X-Men movie looks good. He went on to talk about how Adam Sandler and Jack Nicholson's new movie ''Anger Management'' made over $40 million over the weekend. Howard said the movie didn't even get good reviews.
Howard said that his Claratin cost him $5.95 for five pills. He was amazed how expensive the pills were. He said he's going to try the stuff for a few days to see how he does. Then he'll be away from the dog for a week when they go out to Vegas next week. Then he'll be able to see if it's the dog he's allergic to. He said he can barely breath at night when he's home with the dog. Howard said he thinks if he wasn't on the radio he'd be able to handle the allergies. He's also saying that he's working on the idea that allergies are psychosomatic.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he went to see Rob Zombie's movie ''Night of 1000 Corpses'' and there were only about 20 people in the theater. Howard said they only made about $4 million. Howard said he was impressed it made that amount of money. Richie from E! came in and said he wants to beat Rob Zombie up for stealing his ten bucks. He called it ''a bad Texas Chainsaw Massacre rip off.'' Richie said he wants his money back and wants to kick Rob's ass. It was the worst movie he's ever seen.
Howard took a call from this guy who said his allergies may be psychosomatic. He wondered if Howard had problems with his other dog. Howard said he didn't but dogs have different types of dander. He read that the dander piles up in carpets and stuff and it might take a while before you start noticing that kind of stuff. The caller was asking Howard when it all started but he said he wasn't sure because he doesn't keep track of that kind of stuff. Howard said that he won't give that dog up. He said it's the nicest dog on the planet and he'd buy another apartment if he had to. Robin said most people who are allergic to animals are allergic to cats and Howard has no problem with cats.
Howard took another phone call from a guy who mentioned that Snoop Dogg was shot at over the weekend. He said some newspapers were reporting that Suge Knight was on the Howard Stern show last week and they're tying all of that together. Snoop wasn't hit in the gunfire though. Robin wondered if Snoop was the target or if he'd just accidentally driven into a drive by or something. Howard said he's pretty sure Snoop was the target. Howard said he read some stuff in the paper about how Suge Knight was on his show badmouthing Snoop last week so that may have led to something like this happening. Howard said that was kind of a coincidence that it happened when it did. Howard said it seemed that Suge doesn't want to really kill these other rappers, he just wants to fight them.
A caller told Howard that he's been taking Claratin for the past 4 years now. He's got a bunch of cats in his house and that stuff clears him right up. The guy told Howard to just keep taking the stuff and he'd be fine. Howard said he's not one to take a lot of medication though.
The phone caller also asked Howard who his scariest interview was. Howard said it was probably Gary Busey or Mr. T who got upset with him during an interview. The caller also mentioned Robert Blake who was a scary interview. Howard said it would probably be Mr. T, Robert Blake and then Gary Busey. Howard said Blake was scary when he asked him if he thought he was his monkey or something. They had the clip available so they played it to let everyone hear what that interview sounded like. Howard and Robin were having fun but Blake turned on them and said he wasn't Howard's monkey and he shouldn't be treating him like one. Howard said it didn't sound that scary on the replay but being in the studio with the guy was pretty scary. Howard said Blake was staring him down that morning and getting all red. Howard said the guy is really short and he didn't want to get his ass kicked by a midget at the time. Robin said she remembered how scary that moment was. Howard said he tried to calm the guy down and may have stopped a fight by making some jokes and changing the subject with him.
Robin said a bouncer at a club was killed trying to enforce the no-smoking laws at a restaurant recently. Howard said the bouncer went up to this guy by the name of Ching Chang and told him he wasn't allowed to smoke. The guy then allegedly stabbed the bouncer and killed him. Then the guy went back later to get some stuff he'd left behind at the club and threatened to do the same thing to another bouncer. Howard thought the guy's name, Ching Chang, was pretty amusing and goofed on that for a short time before taking another break.
Howard said he finally watched ''Bowling for Columbine'' over the weekend and Marilyn Manson was the only person who made any sense in that movie. He said he watched it with his youngest daughter and even she knew it wasn't a real movie because it was just a guy talking. Howard said he hooked his daughter up with AOL after that and let her IM some of her friends instead. He said she's got a whole thing going on with AOL.
Howard had Gary come in to tell some story about flying American Airlines over the weekend to do a show with Stuttering John and Artie. Gilbert Gottfried was also there. Gary said Gilbert is a weird guy. He said the second night people in the crowd were throwing stuff at him because his act wasn't going over very well. Howard said he wasn't too happy that they were throwing stuff at him. John came in and said that Gilbert followed Artie and Artie is so huge that people didn't care and started throwing food at him. Gary said Gilbert did an act where he was talking about a family doing all kinds of weird stuff to each other to shock the audience. John said that he flew home with Gilbert and Gilbert took a bottle of syrup home with him from the plane ride. John thought he saw the bottle disappear so he asked Gilbert if he took it or not. Gilbert denied doing it but then started laughing and said he had taken it. John said he also asked Gilbert if he ever tips anyone when he goes out. Gilbert doesn't tip anyone. They went out to dinner one night and all he had was the free bread and water. He holds out for the free food at the comedy gigs he does instead. Gary said that Gilbert told the guys from the radio station who was sponsoring this gig that he wanted to go to Disneyland. The station sent a guy out to take him and Gilbert didn't spend any money there. John kept asking Gilbert what he did there and he didn't have an answer. They asked him about the rides and he said he didn't go on any of the rides they asked him about. John seems to think that Gilbert just wanted to go out with the girl from the radio station. John said they asked Gilbert if he ever takes his girlfriend out to dinner and he said he never does that either.
Howard changed subjects and said he went out to a French restaurant over the weekend. He said that a lot of people are boycotting French restaurants in this country and that's wrong because they're Americans running them. Howard said they don't even use French products in most of these places. Howard said he's all for boycotting the French... The French in France. He went on to say that he saw Gilbert out in front of this restaurant and asked him if he was bringing his girlfriend out. He said Gilbert just started laughing. Howard wondered what's going on with that guy. Gary said he spent the whole weekend with Gilbert and had a lot of fun but doesn't think he knows him any better now than he did before. Stuttering John said that Gilbert told him that his accountant put a lot of money into the stock market for him just before it crashed so he probably lost a lot of money. John said he also talked to Gilbert about women while they were hanging out. John said they shared stories about chicks and stuff. He said Gilbert reads all of those magazines like FHM and Maxim and stuff and was talking about how there's nothing to read in those magazines.
Gary had a story about American Airlines. He said he called to change a flight and the woman on the line was brow beating him into going to Palm Sunday Mass. She was telling him that he was going to miss it with the flight he had. He told the woman his church is a little different than hers and he'd be able to catch it later.
Gary said that he saw Macauley Culkin on his flight this past weekend. He said he was wearing sunglasses and had his hair up under his had. He said for a second he thought it might be a chick because he's very feminine looking. He said he and Artie knew who he was shortly after seeing him though. Gary said there was also a fashion reporter from NBC carrying around a poodle on the plane. Gary said he gave Artie a sleeping pill on the plane and he didn't feel anything after taking it. Stuttering John said that he gave artie five Xanax one time and it didn't effect him at all.
Gary said that Stuttering John ordered some food while they were out in California and Artie was trying to avoid carbs so he skipped the bread on two cheeseburgers and then ate two slices of pizza. He also drinks regular Coke instead of diet Coke. He also ate french fries which are also carbs. The guys were saying that Artie's girlfriend is the one asking him to watch his carb intake.
Howard said he saw a picture of Arnold Schwarzenegger wearing a thong out on the beach in one of the tabloid magazines. He said that it looks like Arnold has lost his physique and shouldn't be out there in a thong.
Howard said his mother called over the weekend and asked him if he'd seen the Cher special. Howard said he had seen it and his mother said it was fabulous. He said they also talked about Barbra Streissand and Celine Dion. Howard wanted to call her but figured she was probably doing her meditation at this time of morning. Howard said his father also asked him if he noticed that they did something with the camera on the Cher special. Howard said he didn't want to say he noticed but did so anyway. He said they talked about some of the odd things they did on that special. Howard said his father thinks they were doing some camera shaking to cover up how her ass looked. He said his father had all kinds of thoughts on that special. He said his mother really loved the special. Robin said that the Celine Dion thing is really scary because she's cut off her hair and now you can see her whole face and how odd it looks.
Gary said he saw Regis and Joy Philbin on one of his flights. Howard said he's seen Joy and she looks really good. Gary said he also saw Doris Roberts from ''Everybody Loves Raymond.'' David Spade also showed up to see Artie's comedy show one night. Gary and John said he showed up with a bunch of hot chicks.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he had a bulldog and his sister was allergic to it. He said that some short hair dogs have a different dander than other dogs so that might have something to do with Howard's allergies. Howard said he really doesn't want to talk about that stuff anymore though.
A listener called in and told Howard he saw ''Anger Management'' this weekend and said it was horrible. He said he was dragged there by his nephews who are huge Adam Sandler fans. The guy said he saw a preview for the new Dumb and Dumber movie that doesn't have Jim Carrey in it. Howard said no one will care if Jim Carrey isn't in it though. He said Jim's probably not in it because they couldn't afford him.
Howard said that they have country singer Darryl Worley coming in tomorrow to perform his pro-war song. He said they also have Sofia Vergara coming in. He had some info on her and said that she dated both Enrique and Julio Iglesias. He spent a short time on that before taking another break.
Howard brought up their upcoming Las Vegas trip. Howard said he's going to go see Siegfried and Roy while they're out there. He said he doesn't think he can bring himself to go see Celine Dion though. He said after listening to her album last week, he can't bring himself to go see her live. Howard also talked about a few other things he wants to go see out there. He wants to go see O out there which is some kind of Cirque de Soleil in the water. Howard said when you see something like that you feel good about this country.
Howard read over the weekend that the Russians were apparently supporting the Iraqi spies to help them with terrorism against the U.S. and other Western countries. Howard found the article and read it to Robin. It may cause issues between the U.S. and Russia. Howard said when he read the article it seems like Russia was supporting Iraq by training their spies to spy on our country. Howard said we can't trust the Russians so we have to have our own spies over there. Robin said this isn't terrorism as Howard was saying though. She said it's just spying and every country has spies.
Howard said he was watching the war over the weekend and talked about some of the stuff he saw. Robin also saw some interesting stuff that she brought up. She told a story about some reporters who decided to go into a city that the military hadn't invaded yet and they ended up getting fired on by the people there.
Howard got back to the Vegas trip and mentioned the contests they have going on. They have a $100,000 bet for one person who has a hard luck story. The money from that is coming from GoldenPalace.com and you can register to enter over there. Then there's the Miss Butta Face contest with a $25,000 grand prize courtesy of Trim Spa. Howard said a lot of women have gotten upset that their boyfriends and husbands are saying that they're butter faces. Howard said one woman got pissed that her husband sent her picture in. She demanded that they delete her pictures and not enter her in the contest. She said she's not a butter face and doesn't want anything to do with the Howard Stern Show. Howard read the letter and the guy told him that her face doesn't match her body. Howard asked Gary to try and get her on the phone but he didn't have a number for her. He said he'd try to get the guy on the phone and then get her.
Howard got Adam Carolla on the line so he could sit in during the show while Artie is out. Robin heard that Adam lives in a house on a cliff somewhere out in California. Adam said he lives near the Hollywood sign. Howard thought he was joking but he wasn't. Howard asked him if he'll be out in Vegas with them. Adam said he will be out there with them on Wednesday of next week. Adam said he's not bringing his new wife with him so Howard told him his marriage must be doomed already. Howard asked Adam if Jimmy Kimmel's show is still on the air. Adam joked that it was canceled and they put on Charles Grodin from ''60 Minutes 2'' bits instead.
Captain Janks called in and said the family member he impersonated to do his latest prank call actually apologized for his call when he was being interviewed today. Janks thought that was pretty funny. Howard told the story again about his father telling him that the family of this POW was saying that the POWs shared Howard Stern stories to pass the time. Howard replayed Jank's call for Adam. Janks said that the same guy he pulled the prank on was the guy who did the interview with the real guy this morning. Howard said the best part was that his father actually called him. He said he doesn't call him that much. Howard said Janks is just showing how these news channels never check their sources before putting people on the air.
Howard had a bunch of voice mails to play. He said that Scott the Engineer was able to save some of the stuff he lost last week. This one guy who calls in very often and leaves strange, angry messages called in and left a bunch more. He complained about Madonna and some other women that he had complaints about. He had some racist comments to make also. The guy went off on Jillian Barberie for a short time saying that she's ugly. Howard said he finds her attractive but said she is annoying. The voice mail guy went off on Randy Jackson from ''American Idol'' for a short time too. He had some racist comments about him. Howard said that guy fills up their voice mail system with tons of these calls. The guy congratulated Artie on winning some money in the NCAA games and then went off on him being fat and stuff like that. Howard finally got to a voice mail from someone else. A woman called in and told Howard how ugly he and the rest of the guys on the show are. She said she can't believe that they pick apart good looking people. Howard said he knows that he's an ugly guy but he still enjoys picking apart good looking women. Another woman called in and said that she wants to have sex with any woman in the audience. One last voice mail was from a guy who went off on Howard for talking about anti-war protesters.
Howard said that they had more voice mail but Scott the Engineer's computer crashed and he lost a bunch of stuff. Adam said that's a tough problem to argue with because you can't really say ''No it didn't...'' when someone tells you it crashed.
Howard played tape of golfer Len Mattiace crying at a press conference after losing the Masters golf tournament. The guys spent a few seconds listening to that before Howard moved on to talk about women being kept out of this golf club. Howard said he's going to go with that and pointed out that there are clubs like Lucille Roberts that are for women so he's glad there are places for men. Howard said Tom Chiusano said he joined a club where only men are allowed and that's what he liked about it. Howard and Robin argued about that for a short time. Howard said he read up on the guy who runs the Augusta National Golf Club, Hootie Johnson, and he's actually this ultra-liberal guy who has backed up women's rights in other stuff. He just wants to be able to go to a club where he can get away from women sometimes. A listener called in and said it's a tradition at that club and if they let women in, they'd start changing stuff around that shouldn't be messed with. The guy said that the only reason they want to be allowed to join is because they're no allowed to. He said they can play there if they're invited, they just can't join. He said the women would just ruin the club if they were allowed to join. Howard asked Fred if he was with him on what he was saying. Fred said ''Absolutely'' but Robin was still arguing and said that no men have been turned down from Lucille Roberts. She said guys just don't want to join because they're not the greatest gyms around. She told Howard it was ridiculous to compare the two. Howard eventually argued that men should be allowed in women's locker rooms also. She welcomed him to come but then told him to just try to find her gym. Howard continued to argue with Robin for a few minutes about this stuff. Howard said it's not a racial argument either, it's about men and women. Howard told Robin that sometimes he has card games once in a while and he likes to do it just with women. Howard wondered what's going to happen if he's forced to let women play. Robin said that won't happen though. Robin said that there are major events held at these places like the Augusta National Golf Club and women are being kept from being part of that. She said that it's one of the most difficult courses to play and women aren't allowed to play, that's what makes it controversial. Howard wondered how there can be exclusive women's clubs and this is a problem for a golf club. Robin said it's because there's a world class event being held there. Adam asked if there was a woman's only radio station that Robin could go to. He also asked Robin if she was on her period or something. Robin said last week that she doesn't have her period much anymore so that's not the problem.
A listener called in and asked Robin to shut up already. He said he'd come down and shut her up with his junk. She invited him down to do that and said she'd check out his junk.
Howard said Robin was sweating from yelling so much. She said she wasn't and told Gary to come touch her head to see that she wasn't sweating. Howard had Scott DePace from E! come in. Scott said that he doesn't think it's right for women to want to play Augusta because it's a tougher course and then use a tee that's 20 feet closer to the hole. Howard said that was a pretty good point even if Scott didn't come right out and say it right away. Adam said that they used to go to the grave to get away from women, now they just go to Augusta.
Howard asked his mother who he thinks is better, Barbra Streissand or Celine Dion. She said she's not a reviewer but she enjoys both of them. She also told Howard that Cher is a ''marvelous, marvelous entertainer.'' Howard had both of his parents on the phone and his father was having trouble hearing the conversation. His mother had to ask the questions again so he could hear. Howard said that's what he has to do when he gets calls from his parents.
Howard's mother told him that they've been married 56 years now. Howard asked his mother if they celebrated by having sex. She said they did and Howard said his shrink can't believe that Howard doesn't believe that his parents have never had sex. Howard's father was having so much trouble hearing that he hung up. Howard said he's finally getting a hearing aid though. Howard said he's worried about what might happen if his father dies. He said he thinks his mother would spend all of his father's money.
Howard said he invited his parents out to Las Vegas but when he told them he was going to be there for 6 days, his mother said ''No!'' His mother said she'd love to go but Ben didn't want to go. Adam told Howard to run a recon mission out there and set them up with a trip some other time. Howard had to take another break so he got his mom off the phone and gave Adam a couple of plugs for his stuff. He said Adam is on ''The Man Show'' each Sunday on Comedy Central and his show ''Crank Yankers'' airs on Tuesday nights at 10PM on Comedy Central.
Howard asked Adam when he's going to bring the tape from his wedding where he's crying at his wedding. Adam said ''Oh, I'll bring that in... never.'' Howard said he heard that Adam cried at the final taping of ''The Man Show'' but he said he didn't cry but Jimmy got a little emotional. Howard jokingly asked him if he cries after each Lovelines radio show taping. Adam just laughed and said the wedding thing was a very emotional thing for him. Robin asked Howard if he's ever cried when his wife had their children or anything like that. Howard said he never does cry. He said when his kids grew up, that's when they started doing stuff that made him cry.
Howard had tape of this woman golfer Anika Sorenstam talking about how she wants to join the PGA and play against men because she's so good in the WPGA. Howard played that and then moved on to tape of Rosie O'Donnel on The Tonight Show pretty much admitting her weight. She claims she's only 212 pounds but Howard and Adam don't seem to believe her. Adam said that would put all of them under 100 pounds. Benjy said he weighs 205 pounds and he's huge. Adam said Rosie must have left a couple of zeros out of that number.
Howard had tape of Robin Thicke, Alan Thicke's son, performing a song on Extra. Howard wondered if he'd lose in the first round of ''American Idol'' because he was so bad. Howard thought the guy sounded a lot like Michael Jackson. Robin wondered when Alan Thicke had a black kid because the guy sounded like a black singer. Howard said he's heard that the guy is really good looking though.
Howard said he was on a web site the other day that will tell you how gay you are. Howard said he and Benjy came up as being 43 percent gay. He said that if you're that low you're actually not gay enough. He said manly men are 80 percent gay. Robin wondered what the questions were. Howard said he'd get the questions and ask Adam to see how gay he is. Meanwhile, Howard said he was on another site, DesignAVagina.com, where they have pictures of women with their private parts blacked out and you have to guess if they're shaved or not shaved. Howard played along and guessed she was shaved. The girl he had was unshaved and had plenty of hair. Howard said KC and Gary are pretty good at guessing the right answers. He had KC come in and give him a guess. He was wrong on the first one. Howard said it's fun to do while you're at work.
Howard had KC type in the web site for the gay test but his computer was giving him problems. Gary came in and said that he came up as only 26 percent gay. He said he's never trimmed his pubic area so that helped him out. Howard and Adam said they've trimmed theirs. Adam said his hair would take over his penis if he didn't trim his pubic hair. Howard said he discovered that he has hair growing out of his penis which is embarrassing. Gary said he had to go to a dermatologist for an itch he had and the dermatologist had to check out his junk. Howard said when he goes, his dermatologist checks his whole body for moles and stuff. He said he lays on his back on the table and the doctor checks out everything. Gary thought that sounded kind of unusual though. He said his doctor just checked his area and knew what it was.
Howard finally got the web site up for the Gay-O-Meter thing. He went through each question and asked Adam what his answers were. Adam was goofing around a bit and Howard was getting kind of pissed. Adam got into it after that and started answering the right way. There were still moments when Howard went off on Adam for the answers he was giving. When the test was over Adam was 30 percent gay. Howard was 43 percent so Adam came out less gay than he did. Howard had to take another break after that fun stuff.
After the break Howard said he wished Adam was live in the studio because they'd just had a 10 minute conversation about Gilbert Gottfried that he missed out on. Adam said he gets mistaken for Gilbert all the time for some reason. Howard said he gets mistaken for Joey Ramone so he shouldn't feel so bad. Adam said that at least Howard is mistaken for a rock star because he's mistaken for a guy who does the voice of a toaster. Howard had Robin get to her news after that. During the news Gay Ramone called in during the news and said that he'd just scored 110 percent on the Gay-O-Meter. Another caller told Howard that he should play that Shaved or Unshaved game with women who come in. He said that's what his listeners are always wondering anyway. Howard said that's a game he plays in his head when he asks women if they're shaved or not.
Howard started off the show saying they had a lot to talk about. He said they have enemies they need to talk about. There are people who want his show to go away and he's calling a four star alert. He said he's using his full name of ''Howard Allan Stern'' to show the urgency of this alert... but he had to take a break first.
After the break Howard had a clip of a NAMBLA guy talking about being with a young boy. Howard wondered when this country is going to do something about that instead of worrying about his show. He said that the FCC is all revved up and going after radio shows again. Robin said she doesn't believe that they are the worst thing around.
Howard said the E! guys changed around the studio yesterday and it's upsetting him. He said that he doesn't usually have to see Fred but now that they changed it, he can see Fred. He had walls up that blocked him and now they're moved. One of the E! guys, Scott DePace, came in and told Howard that the wall was actually higher than it was before. Scott gave him a little laugh when he complained about it and he didn't seem to think it was funny. He told Scott to get that old wall back up so he wouldn't have to see Fred without looking over a bunch of stuff. He told Scott to undue whatever it was they did yesterday. Howard thought some of the piles of carts they had laying around were moved or something. Scott said Fred moves them around himself. Scott said he knows Howard doesn't want to hear it but it's no that different. He eventually caved in and agreed with Howard. Howard told him that if the show is bad today, he's taking the blame.
Howard moved on and talked about their upcoming trip to Las Vegas. He said Ralph is the one who packs his stuff and brings it along on the trip. He said Ralph is the only one who bothers him when they do something like this. He said yesterday he got a call from Ralph who said they need a separate space to get ready for the show. They're leaving Monday to head out there and he's just coming up with this idea now. He was thinking that they could get his hair and makeup ready somewhere out of sight of the audience. Howard said he only puts makeup on his neck to even out his color because he looks horrible without it. He said the makeup actually creates a need for more makeup. He went on to say they should build this area for him before Monday. A couple of guys had lunch with Ralph a couple of weeks ago and asked him what they might need out there. At the time Ralph said that all of this stuff causes him stress. Howard said the one person who really doesn't need to go with them to Vegas is Ralph. He said that they sometimes call Ralph to do an evaluation or something and need him to come in at 7 o'clock and he gives them a hard time. Howard wonders who else is calling him. He said that Ralph does art work on the side but he doesn't know if anyone ever sees this stuff. Howard showed Robin the shirt Ralph picked for him to wear this morning and it was ''different'' according to Robin. Howard said he has another shirt to wear over that shirt when Sofia Vergara comes in.
Howard spent a minute talking about Sofia Vergara and wondered if she's a super model. Fred said she's not in his mind. Howard read that she dated both Julio and Enrique Iglesias which seemed to surprise him. He somehow got on the subject of his own father and how he speaks in that strange accent. Howard said people ask him what kind of accent it is and he thinks it's not really an accent, he's just speaking in his official voice. He also talked about his grandfather who did have quite a heavy accent. He said his father must have picked up a little bit of the European accent and some New York accent and mixed that together. Howard said he got very sad when he heard his father singing ''You'll Never Walk Alone'' at the start of the show today. He said his father can't belt out a tune like that anymore which saddens him. Fred played the song again and Howard and Robin just laughed. Robin thought it was funny when Ben complained about not being able to hear the music. She also said that Howard sings just like his father. Howard said when his father speaks in that official tone of his is when his accent comes out. Howard wanted more tapes of his father but Fred said they're not there because they're in the collection of stuff they have going to Las Vegas.
Howard was still complaining about being able to see Fred too easy this morning. Fred eventually found the tape of Howard's father doing his ''Testing, testing, ONE, TWO'' tape. Howard talked about how his father can't hear these days and complains about how people don't annunciate their words. Howard said he tells him it's his hearing and not the people talking though. His father still argues about it though. He said that his father gets mad when his mother asks him if he wants headphones at the theater when they go to the movies. He said he didn't want to use them but enjoyed the movie much more when he actually did use them.
Howard had a bunch of e-mail to read. He said he got some very gay e-mail. He said this guy wrote in and said he gets off when he sees the soldiers over in Iraq. Howard said the guy wants him to have a ''Hot Soldier'' contest. Someone also asked what kind of diet Robin is on. She said it's not a diet though. Robin said it's a lifestyle, not a diet. Robin explained what some of her problems were but didn't say how she's losing weight. She said that she has a hypo-thyroid problem and some other stuff. She said she had a lot of water weight and has self-diagnosed herself and has changed her lifestyle to lose the weight. Howard went on to read some e-mail about his allergies to his dog. He said one person wrote in about a special dog shampoo to help get rid of the dog dander allergies. Another person wrote in and said he should get shots. Another person told him to get rid of the dog before his allergies turn to asthma. Someone also said to get rid of Artie who might be the reason for his allergies. Someone else said that there's a site where you can find information on getting accupressure to get rid of the allergies.
Howard said someone wrote in and complained about Stuttering John's impression of Gilbert Gottfried. Another few people wrote in and agreed with Robin's stance on the Augusta National Golf Course controversy. There were also people who disagreed with her. Some people even resorted to using the C-word for Robin when they talked about her views on the Augusta golf thing. Robin said that there are more important things to take care of instead of worrying about this golf course. Howard said some people also complained about a report she read during the news yesterday. She called the bouncer who was killed at a club ''a big black guy'' in her news report and people weren't too happy about that.
An e-mailer wrote in and asked if Adam Carolla ever dated one of the Dixie Chicks at some point in his life. Robin said she seems to remember him talking about that one time. He's not on today though, so they can't ask him about it.
Howard said a couple of people were wondering about a couple of web sites Howard mentioned lately. One of them was the BottomzUp girls. That site was Bottomzup.tv. There was also the shaved or unshaved game at DesignAVagina.com and the Gay-O-Meter web site that they gave out.
Howard took a call from a guy who called himself Dr. Raddison. He said he knew why Robin had a ''high alkaline'' level like she said earlier. He suggested that it was from the batteries in her vibrator. Robin said she'd look into that. Another caller told Howard to get one of these Ionic Breeze things from the Sharper Image catalog to get rid of the stuff floating around in his apartment. Howard said he'd look into that.
Dave the Pinnochio guy called in and said that he has gained a lot of weight lately and wondered how he could get rid of it. Howard suggested eating normal food. Howard said he has egg whites for breakfast and a piece of fruit. Howard gave him some other suggestions for lunch and snacks during the day. He suggested fish for dinner and maybe some vegetables and rice. Howard said people would complain about the food not having any taste so he suggested putting some pepper on it. Dave told Howard he wants to re-challenge him to a beauty contest after he loses his weight. Howard didn't sound interested in that though. Howard and Robin talked about how the people on Survivor lose their weight in 39 days by starving. Howard said you also need to exercise and do some running.
Howard mentioned their trip to Las Vegas again and played the song some retarded guy wrote about this Jennifer Halloway. She's a news person out in Vegas so Howard wants to meet her. Gary said he found out she's pregnant at this time so he wondered if Howard was still interested in meeting her. Howard said he'd like to meet her either way. Howard mentioned the $100,000 bet for the person they find with the ''World's Saddest Story.'' He said he gets nervous when they do that bet. You can find out how to enter that one at GoldenPalace.com. Howard had to take another break after that.
Howard said that the end of reality TV shows is coming to an end soon because Monica Lewinsky is going to be hosting one of her own. Howard said she'll be hosting ''Mr. Personality'' and it should spell the end to them. Howard said that he's getting tired of all of these shows anyway so Monica Lewinsky ruining this one should do the trick and end them all. He said that she is still fat and even though he used to think her face was cute on a fat body, he said you'd have to blind fold him to get him to have sex with that mess. Howard said her only qualification for being in show business is the fact that she gave President Clinton oral sex. He said that maybe she's smart, he doesn't know, but she's now in show business. The show she's hosting is strange because they're putting masks on all of them and the woman has to pick them by their personality. Howard said he doesn't know any guys who have good personalities. He said no straight guy has ''inner beauty'' and most of them don't have outer beauty either. Howard said most guys just think about their schlong and how they can bang chicks. Howard said Monica is a purse designer and wondered how she thinks she can design a purse better than someone else. He said that job is for someone who can't do anything else and wants to claim that they have a job when they really don't.
Howard said Artie is out today because he's out in Hollywood having some meetings about his sitcom. He heard they're trying to come up with a name for the show. Howard said some of the names are:
KC was in and said he had a new game for them to play. He had lines from 1980's songs. He'd read them and Howard would have to guess the song. Howard said he doesn't know lyrics to songs like that though. KC read one anyway. The line was ''Suckin on a chili dog outside the tasty freeze.'' Howard didn't know it but Fred and Gary did. It was ''Jack and Diane'' by John Mellencamp. Howard said Gary remembers a lot of dumb stuff like that.
Model Sofia Vergara was out in the green room so Howard said he heard that they call her ''Walking Viagra'' because she's so hot. Howard said he was told by some women that she's not as hot as people say she is. That's just jealousy according to KC and the other guys.
Howard had KC give him a few more of his dopey 1980's lyrics. Here are the rest of those:
Howard said he saw a picture of her and she was really hot. He was also corrected about her being a model. He was told that she's an actress. Gary quickly told Howard that she's willing to take off her jacket if he wants. Howard told her to take it off. She had a heavy hispanic accent that Howard had a little fun with. He said a few things in Spanish that she didn't understand. Howard said he heard that Latin women are great in bed. He said he knew a guy who went out with a Latin woman and she ''tossed his salad'' and went back to the back door with her tongue. Howard asked Sofia about growing up on a farm and how her breasts developed when she was pretty young. Howard said he heard that she complained about the size of her breasts and wanted to get them reduced. Her mother convinced her that she would be happier when she got older so she didn't get them reduced. Howard said a woman getting their breasts reduced would be like a guy getting their penis chopped shorter. Sofia said she learned how to cover those things up as she was growing up. She said she'd wear a big coat like she was wearing this morning.
Howard asked Sofia if she's ever had trouble getting men. She said there are men who she can't get. Howard said he heard that she dated both Julio and Enrique Iglesias. She said she knows Enrique but never dated his father. She said she wouldn't go out with a guy that much older than her.
Howard asked Sofia about the confusion about her being a model. She said she's been working for Univision the Spanish network and has been in the movie ''Big Trouble.'' She said she has a little bit of trouble getting movie roles because of her accent.
Howard asked Sofia when she started having sex. She said because the schools were so religious that it took a while before that started. She was married at 18 though. She said she was ''almost'' a virgin when she got married. The man she married was the guy who took her virginity though. Howard asked Sofia if she's interested in someone like a Donald Trump. She said that's not her type. Howard also asked her how Enrique Iglesias was in bed. She said she didn't come there to talk about that stuff though. Howard went on to read about some of the other guys she's dated like Puff Daddy. He read that she got pissed when Puff Daddy put his hand up her dress. She said that's not true though. Howard also read that she dated Mark Wahlberg. She said he's just a friend though. Alex Rodriguez was on the list and she said she knew him before his big baseball contract. She said he was just a friend also. Sofia told Howard that she has trouble finding guys to date. Gary said that she once dated a guy who was in a witness protection program and actually put her house up to bail him out of jail one time. She told Howard that the guy was a really good friend and she'd do anything for him and back him up. She also knows Madonna and has hung out with her. She said she's not really a friend though. Sofia told Howard she's 30 years old so he told her she has to slow down because she's over the hill. He asked her what she drinks when she parties and if she smokes weed. She said she likes Scotch on the rocks but doesn't smoke weed. She told Howard she's a mom so she doesn't do that stuff. She has an 11 year old child.
Howard took a call from Dominic Barbara who thought she had to testify in front of a grand jury for her friend who is in the witness protection program. She said that wasn't true though. Howard said he was trying to figure out what kind of guys Sofia likes. She really didn't want to talk about the guy's she's dated in the past though. She kept saying that they were just friends. Howard noticed that Sofia took off her coat and she had huge breasts. He told her not to have them reduced. He asked if he could feed from her breasts even if she's not pregnant.
Howard read that Sofia is friends with Tom Cruise but she said she doesn't even know him. Howard said all of his notes were wrong about her. He got to her plugs and let her talk about this movie ''Chasing Papi'' that opens this week. He said he wasn't even listening to what she had to say because he was so distracted by her beauty. She talked about the movie for a couple of minutes before Howard took some phone calls. He also said that calling the movie ''Chasing Papi'' isn't a name he'd use because it sounds like a movie that isn't an English language movie. Howard also gave her a plug for her web site SofiaVergara.com.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Sofia's voice was a turn off. Another caller said she did the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition and looked great in those pictures. One guy said he saw her all over Puff Daddy when he saw her on some TV show. It turns out she walked off a live TV show because this show was trying to make up a story about her being with Puff Daddy when she really wasn't. Howard asked her what kind of money she's making now. She said she's making quite a bit and when she goes home to Columbia, it turns into a lot of Pesos. She said she's using the money to build a hospital down in Columbia. She said the average wage down there is about $200 a month down there. Howard said he could live like a king there if that's the case. Sofia revealed that she had thyroid cancer about a year ago but she's cleared that up. Howard wondered what it would cost him to build a cancer hospital for hot chicks down in Columbia. Sofia said that was kind of mean.
Howard read that Sofia was neighbors with Brad Pitt but she said that wasn't true either. Howard didn't understand how it was possible everything he had on her was wrong. He took a phone call from a guy who said that she has some ''almost naked'' pictures of herself in her calendars. Howard gave her another plug for the movie ''Chasing Papi'' which opens tomorrow. Gary then came in and said that he doesn't know that her breasts are real because of the way they looked to him. Howard said they were real to him. He then wrapped up the segment and took a break.
Howard mentioned their Las Vegas trip again and said they'll be out there next Tuesday through Thursday. They're doing all kinds of bets and games while they're there.
A woman called in and said that she thinks she's on the same program as Robin as far as not going to parties and stuff. She said last night she broke down though. She said this guy who hangs out with her daughter, who is 22, came on to her and put the moves on her. Howard interrupted her and tried to figure out the math as far as how old she is and how old her daughter is. The woman is only 38 and her daughter is 22 on Sunday. Howard took a couple of minutes and figured that she was 16 when she had the baby. They got back to the story and she told Howard how this 23 year old guy was hitting on her last night. Howard told her of course he's hitting on her, she's still young. She said they were playing some kind of strip card game and she was trying to sleep. The guys invited her to play this game and she decided to play. She said she had some wine while they were drinking other stuff. Howard figured she wasn't wearing a bra and she laughed. She said she put one on when the guy got there. She was also wearing stretch pants with no panties and a small top. Howard asked her questions about her weight and cup size. She said she's 117 pounds at 5'5'' tall and has a B-cup most of the time. Howard figured that she was turned on by this guy and wanted him to come over. She told Howard that she had some drinks and smoked some weed with this guy but didn't tell her daughter yet. She told Howard how he was touching her and she was trying not to go for it. She didn't do anything last night so she was calling in to get Howard's advice on what she should do. She said she kissed him a little bit but that was it. She said he may have put his hands on her ass too. She was wondering what she should do. Howard figures she wants the guy and she said if she met him in a bar, she'd do him but he's her daughter's friend. Howard told her that if he was in the same situation with a friend of his daughter's, he'd do nothing. He told her that she should avoid doing anything with this guy because it would hurt her daughter. He called her a filthy slut and eventually hung up on her. He said she needed to be taught a lesson.
Howard said Mariah Carey was on Oprah Winfrey's show recently talking about her problems. Howard said if he ever gets in trouble, he's going on Oprah's show. He played the tape of Mariah talking about her breakdown but not talking about it being a breakdown. Howard said Oprah was thrilled to have Mariah on the show so she didn't dig too deep as far as what her real problems were. Oprah also asked Mariah about going out with Eminem. Mariah said that she can count the amount of men she's slept with on one hand and Eminem isn't on that hand. Howard started naming some of the names she has been rumored to be with and came up with three on his own. He figures that there's no way she's only been with less than 5 guys. Howard took a call from a guy who claimed that Mariah used to bang some of her teachers in high school. Howard said he doesn't know if that's true or not but he still doesn't believe that she's slept with so few people. Howard said he didn't believe Sofia Vergara and some of her claims either.
Howard said Darryl Worley was coming in next and he loves this song he has out. Gary told Howard he was pronouncing his name wrong. It's not ''Dare-el'' it's ''Darl.'' Howard said it's ''Dare-el'' no matter what they say. He said if it's ''Darl'' it's only when he's his gay boyfriend. Howard read a few things about Darryl and took some phone calls. A woman called in and claimed she's heard stories about Mariah ''getting around'' with guys in high school. Howard had to take a break shortly after that so he could get ready for Darryl's live performance.
Howard brought up this song ''Have You Forgotten?'' that he has out was obviously written from the heart. Darryl said that the song was inspired by their trip out to Afghanistan last year when he was there to entertain the troops. He told Howard that it was actually written about the war in Afghanistan even though most people seem to think that it was written for the Iraq war. He said it's just a pro-American song. Howard mentioned how a lot of celebrities out there think that it's not right to put out a song like that at a time like this. Darryl said that it takes balls to put something like this out and back it up.
Howard asked Darryl about his life and how he made a lot of money working for a chemical company. He said he sold processed chemicals to paper companies and made a ton of money. Howard read that he knows how to make a stink bomb and asked if he could teach him how to do that. Darryl said he could do that for him. The guys also talked about being on the road and all of the temptation there is with women. Darryl is married so he has to watch what he does. Howard wondered if they orgy together. Darryl said they don't do that and he tries to be faithful to his wife even though it's really tough.
Darryl talked about how he got to perform his song ''Have You Forgotten?'' for President Bush who really enjoyed it. Howard spoke to him about that for a short time and then had him perform the song live for him. After the song Howard said it really hits home when he sings about the 9/11 planes going down in Pennsylvania and at the Pentagon as well as the World Trade Center. Howard remembered his thoughts on the attacks that day and how he wanted to go over and bomb them in the Middle East but people just seemed to forget about it. Howard wonders why they don't show the 9/11 tapes constantly on a channel to remind everyone. Howard said experts are saying that they're starting to see over in the Middle East that we have a President who isn't going to put up with this crap anymore. Robin said that former President Clinton was on some show recently with Bob Dole and Dole was telling him that he never got the job done over there. She said Clinton said he almost got bin Laden a couple of times.
Howard and the guys talked about how they think that Saddam Hussein and his sons are probably dead now. Darryl seems to think that Osama bin Laden is dead too but Robin said he's still making tapes.
Howard took some phone calls and some people are still arguing that Iraq has nothing to do with 9/11. Darryl and Howard said they disagree and said that this is a war on terrorism in general and we're not just going after one person like Osama bin laden. There were some callers who don't agree with his song so Howard let them argue with Darryl for a short time. Jeff the Drunk also called in and thanked Darryl for the song. Howard had to wrap up the interview a short time later. He gave Darryl another plug for his album and went to break.
Howard said he got a letter from Larry King. He thought Robin would like it. The letter, a form letter, said that Larry is writing a book called ''Remember Me When I'm Gone'' and he wants people to write obituaries or eulogy for this book. Howard said that he's not going to help him write his book. He read some of the names of other celebrities who are writing stuff for him. Howard said Larry will then put his name on the book and collect all of the money. Howard wondered where his check was going to come from. He said he'd write something if King pays him for it.
Howard said this guy Matt Blank, not Matt LeBlanc, from Showtime, deserved some congratulations for something he was honored for recently. He said he was invited to some function for the guy but wasn't able to go.
Howard read an e-mail from someone who gave Howard some suggestions about playing Blackjack. Howard and the guys said you never hit when you have a 12 and the dealer has a 12. Howard said he never does but maybe he will now that the guy has made that suggestion.
Howard took some phone calls and talked about some of the people they have coming up on the show. He said the guy who played Stiffler in the ''American Pie'' movies will be on tomorrow as well as Lionel Richie.
Howard took a couple of phone calls and then had Robin move on to her news. A short time later Howard took a call from a listener who wondered how they're supposed to be able to watch the show when they're out in Vegas. Gary came in and said that they'll be there next Tuesday through Thursday and you just have to get there early. It's obvious where they're shooting and you can stand and watch the show. He said it's first come, first serve. There's also going to be a basketball court set up outside where Artie will be taking on a female basketball player. Gary said the best way to find them inside is to walk in the front door, turn right and you'll see where they're shooting. He said they'll be recording the shows in the late afternoon from 4PM to 8PM, Tuesday through Thursday. The shows will air the next morning.
Howard said he's still on the air after 20 or 25 years now. He also said it's so wonderful to be loved. He went on to talk about how he spoke to a guy the other day who said he saw Barry Manilow in concert and when he went up to him after the show he told him how good he was. Manilow responded with a ''I know.'' Howard said that's how he's been responding to compliments about how great he is too lately.
Howard checked out the new Kelly Clarkson CD, Thankful, and doesn't recognize the person on the cover. He said he knows what she really looks like and she knows what she looks like, and that's not what she looks like. He said that picture is what she'd look like if she could stop eating for five minutes. He read through some of the thank-yous in the CD cover and ended up talking about ''American Idol'' for a couple of minutes. He said Simon Cowell told Clay last night that he sounded better to him if he closed his eyes. Howard said he was basically saying to stop making those gay faces and stuff while he was singing. Howard figured he was trying to tell him that he was acting in a bizarre way while he was singing. Robin said it's almost like he's singing like Mark Harris. That led to Fred playing a Mark Harris song. Gary asked if Howard would be surprised if Clay came out dressed as Cher on next weeks show to perform. Howard said he wouldn't be surprised at all. Gary talked about how Clay bats his eyes when he sings like Marilyn Monroe. Howard figures there's no women in the audience yelling out for Clay. They also talked about the big fat guy on the show and how big he really is.
Howard said Ryan Seacrest brought out his sister and mother on the show and Howard said Ryan is much better looking than his sister. Artie, who was back from his trip to California, said he's just the opposite and his sister got all of the looks. Howard continued to talk about how Ryan's sister wasn't a hot chick and wondered why God does that to people.
Howard said they have Lionel Richie and Sean William Scott coming in today. Gary said that Will the researcher was talking about how rich Lionel Richie must be because he has had like 40 hit songs and has all the licensing rights to them. Howard said that might be true but his wife beat him up one time which is really embarrassing. Robin said she remembers reading that he was caught in bed with another woman one time and ran out of the house leaving her behind with the wife.
Howard said they have to kick the hot blond off ''American Idol'' because she's so annoying. The guys talked about how Simon seems to keep her around because he likes her. They also talked about how one of the chicks was dressed in black last night to cover up her fat ass and hips, and it worked well.
Howard said they'd be listening to the new Kelly Clarkson CD today. KC went out and bought it yesterday and had to use his own money because the station doesn't have petty cash available anymore. He had to lay out the money himself and won't get it back for about a month. Howard thought that it was pretty ridiculous that he had to shell out his own money. Howard said he wants to find out why that is and wants to talk to Tom Chiusano about that. Howard said Tom is forgetting what it's like to survive on $30,000 a year in New York City. KC hasn't complained about the money issue but Gary said he figures he just doesn't want people to think he doesn't have money.
Howard said his girlfriend Beth was on an audition for a movie and KC showed up for the same movie. Beth told Howard that she was going to try and hook KC up with some other casting work and she later heard that the director called him for some work and he didn't show up for a couple of jobs. KC came in and said that wasn't true. Howard went on to say that this guy said that he'll never call KC again because of that. KC said that's total miscommunication and he told the guy he couldn't show up for one of them because he had a gig that night. He said he hasn't blown him off. KC said he'd go to any of these jobs and people know that. He said that's really weird that this guy is saying that stuff about him.
Comedian Kathy Griffin was on the phone but Howard told her he had to take a break before he could talk to her. He put her on hold and took a break.
Comedian Kathy Griffin was on the phone earlier in the show holding on for Howard. She told him that she was working late last night out in Palm Springs so she stayed up to talk to him about ''American Idol.'' She said the kids this year aren't like the kids from last year and there is no Kelly Clarkson in this season. Howard said he was listening to Kelly's new CD and it's like bad Mariah Carey songs.
Kathy said she's been doing regular shows at the Laugh Factory lately and says stuff about other celebrities. She said she went on the Wayne Brady show recently... Howard interrupted her and said that Wayne Brady is a weird guy and talked about how he was acting when he had that guy who contacts the dead, John Edwards. Kathy said that she was on that show and he predicted that Jenny McCarthy was pregnant. She wasn't but he insisted she was.
Kathy got back to her story about her run in with the kids from ''American Idol.'' She said she ran into them in an elevator and said ''Hi'' to them and they kind of ignored her and kept walking. They were on the Wayne Brady show with her so she was going to go say hi to them. Then a stage manager told her that they were all pissed at her for some stuff she said about them during one of her comedy shows. The guy asked Kathy if she implied that Clay might be gay in her act. She said she did and it wasn't that big of a deal to her but all of the kids were pissed at her. Kathy said it turns out there was a story in The Globe about her talking about how Clay might be gay with a big picture of her next to the story. Howard said that it's easy to say that because of the way Clay acts on stage. Kathy said that the kids ignored her and she saw a cloud of hair spray on stage at the Wayne Brady show and that may have been Clay but other than that she didn't get close to them.
Howard changed subjects and asked Kathy about an Ebay lunch she had at one point. She said that it was a charity thing she did. Howard got off of that quickly and gave Kathy a plug for her comedy shows that she does every Thursday at the Laugh Factory in L.A.
Howard and Kathy continued to talk about Clay and how effeminate he seems. Howard said he knows a guy who acts just like Clay and he's not gay. Kathy said she said that he reminds her of gay people that she knows. She wonders if it's okay to say that Clay ''might be gay.'' Howard said that you can say that, you just can't say you know he's gay.
Howard wrapped up the call with Kathy because Tom Chiusano came in to talk about their petty cash problem. Tom told Howard that they don't have petty cash for the show but he thought they did. He said he's going to take care of that problem and make sure they do have petty cash for them. Howard said Tom was his problem solver today. Robin wondered if KC had his money yet. Artie said he'll have it on the 15th of next month. Howard said that Tom has been very cooperative since he came back from Golf School.
Howard said he's going for some allergy tests today to find out if he's allergic to his dog or not. He said they prick you with stuff to see if you react to it. He said he doesn't even want to know if he's allergic anything but his dog. He said he'll live with anything else but he has to know if it's the dog or not. He said they have no idea what they'll be creating if they tell him he's allergic to anything else.
Howard went on to talk to her about how much she made being a whore. She said back in the early 1980's she could make between $25 and $200 for a session. Howard ended up talking to her about her relationship with her daughter and found out that she has an open relationship with her. Howard told her he wanted to see some pictures of her. She started to ramble again so Howard hung up on her before she could get much out.
Howard said if she's good looking they'll probably put up with that chatty stuff a little more but when you can't see her, he has to hang up on her. Howard had to take another commercial break after that.
Artie talked about his meetings out in L.A. earlier this week. He said he's up for a part in a movie. Howard thought he was out there for his sitcom. Artie said the network has ''rolled it over'' to a mid season replacement which he seems to think means that it's dead. He said he thinks the network thinks that he wouldn't be likeable in a sitcom. Artie talked about what the show would be like and how he thinks he'd be likeable if he had a girlfriend on the show. He said he's not going to have a hot chick as a girlfriend on the show, they're going to be like the girls he was getting when he was a crappy stand-up comedian. Artie said the show isn't officially dead yet so he and Sam Simon are working on keeping it alive. Artie said on the show he'd play a comedian who makes some decent money and can get some chicks. Then the sitcom gets canceled and he has to go back to his old life and has to do old gigs. Howard told him that he has to have this hot chick, not lose the sitcom and he has to keep testing his girlfriend to make sure she doesn't want him just for his money. Artie jokingly asked Howard if he could meet with him from 2 to 6 today to talk about the show.
Artie talked about how he's up for this part in another Will Farrel movie and he only has about 4 lines but it would mean he has to shoot for a couple of weeks. Howard decided to bring Sean William Scott in to talk to him about some of the movies he's been in while he was talking to Artie. Howard explained who Sean was and how he played Stiffler in the ''American Pie'' movies.
Howard said that Sean was also in the movie ''Dude, Where's My Car?'' and now that he's gotten so big, they can't make the second one because his quote is so big. Howard said Stuttering John told him that they can't afford Sean because he's asking for $12 million a film. Sean said that's no true though and he doesn't get that much. Howard told John he was a douche because he was making up the numbers. Gary said he heard it was $7 million for both SEan and Ashton Kutcher. Stuttering John said it's a franchise now and without those two, they couldn't do the movie. Sean said he heard they weren't going to do a sequel without them. He thought that was cool and didn't mind. He said they had this really cool script that they changed at the last minute for ''Dude, Where's My Car?'' so he's not upset not doing the second one.
Howard asked Sean if he was offered a role for the new Superman movie. He said he heard that Ashton went in and read for the part but now they don't have a director for it. He heard that they have a cool script for the movie too.
Howard asked Sean what he's up to these days. He said he's just hanging out but he's also out promoting this movie ''Bulletproof Monk'' that opens today. Howard asked him who he's dating too. He said he's not with anyone right now. He mentioned that he saw Britney Spears at a hotel recently but she blew him off and put her head down as she walked by. Howard said he figured he'd be able to get anyone. Sean said he thinks some women are freaked out by the ''American Pie'' and ''Road Trip'' movies he's done. Howard said ''Road Trip'' was a good one too.
Sean told Howard that they're doing a third ''American Pie'' movie and most of the cast is back again. That one will be called ''American Wedding.''
Howard read some notes on Sean and saw that he's rumored to be dating model James King who's in ''Bulletproof Monk.'' He said that's not true. Howard also read that he's been with some other model. Howard asked him when he got laid for the first time. He said he didn't get laid until he was 18 years old. He said his younger brother was banging when he was in 5th grade. He said he'd play with his Legos and his brother would be messing around with this chick. He said he got to watch a little bit so he figured he'd wait a while before he started banging chicks. Howard said his brother is the guy he should be interviewing.
Howard asked Sean when his first big break in show business was. He said it was ''American Pie.'' He was working at a Home Depot as a plumber at the time. He told Howard about some of the other odd jobs he had before getting that job. He said he asked some of his old high school buddies and tried to emulate them to get the part. It worked and he got the part of Stiffler.
Howard asked SEan about this ''Bulletproof Monk'' movie. SEan said he had some Martial Arts training but it's ''movie martial arts'' so he probably can't kick any ass. Howard couldn't get his mind off SEan's brother getting laid in 5th grade. He said he can't imagine what that must be like. Howard said when he was around that age there was a girl who showed him her vagina and actually opened it up for him to look at. He said he was frightened by the look of it at the time. Sean told Howard that his brother and his friend would switch off with that girl when they were in 5th grade. He said he blew her off for a few years and decided to call years later and she goofed on him. She told him to get some peanut butter and had him put it on himself. Then she told him to lick it off himself and left him there alone. Sean said they did some weird stuff when they were in the 5th grade. He said she'd have his brother stand on his head and stuff like that while she did stuff to him. Howard asked Sean if his brother would always go first with the girl. By this time Sean was thinking that was kind of weird to be talking about. Sean was only in the second grade at the time.
Howard took a call from a guy who claims he was only 8 years old when he got laid for the first time. Robin found that hard to believe but Howard said he knows that kids these days are getting started earlier because they can learn from the porn that's out there. He said porn is so available these days that anyone can get it. He didn't have access to that much when he was young. Howard said he started messing with himself when he was about 9 or so watching ''Gilligan's Island.'' Howard also got hold of one page from a porn magazine that he'd use over and over again to get off.
Howard read that Sean signed contract with Universal that was apparently worth 8 figures. Sean said that wasn't really true, it wasn't worth that much but he does have a multi picture deal with the company because ''American Pie'' did so well. He said he wouldn't be there if ''American Pie'' hadn't done well. Sean said the third one should be really good. He said Jesse Dylan, Bob Dylan's son, directed it and it's going to be good.
Sean told a story about going to a party at Dan Aykroyd's house and it was really weird because Dan was introducing everyone and giving their credits. He got to his credits and it got really quiet. He said Dan was telling him they were going to do a Western together and ride horses together. He said the guy was kind of strange.
Howard took a few phone calls for Sean and one girl told him he was being too nice and had to be more like Stiffler. Another guy told him he was going to be a washed up actor soon. Artie said he didn't recognize Sean from ''American Pie,'' he remembered him from the California Pizza Kitchen he worked at before hitting it big in Hollywood. Sean went on to tell a story about being a host there on the show and how he mistook a midget for a small child one time he was seating a family.
A phone caller mentioned something Sean did on MTV's spring break special and how he was shamelessly hitting on this hot black chick. Sean said he was pretty drunk at the time. Robin saw it and described what went on there. Another phone caller said that Sean and his co-star from ''Dude, Where's My Car?'' Ashton Kutcher like to ''gay it up'' at night together. SEan just laughed and said that never happens.
A woman by the name of Chloe called in and said that she pleasures herself to Sean's image. He said this was getting pretty good now. Chloe said she's a model at import car shows so she gets paid to put on a bikini and sit on cars. She said she's right near New York out on Long Island and would love to meet Sean. Howard said he wants to check her out before Sean gets her though. He asked if she could send pictures or something. She didn't have a computer though. Howard asked her some of her stats. Chloe's 19 years old, 5'6'' tall and weighs 110 pounds with a 32 C bra size. Artie joked that Sean's friend just had to check her teeth before he'd meet her. Howard said Sean was wondering if she looks at all like Ashton Kutcher. Sean laughed as Howard continued asking her questions about her sex life and stuff like that. She said she was in a ''wife beater'' and panties as she was talking to him. She told Howard that Sean would be a sure thing if she met him. Howard told Sean never got stuff like this when he was working in the pizza place. Chloe said she'd like to meet up with him for a cup of coffee at least. Howard asked her if he needs a condom. She said yes to that.
Howard told her to get down tomorrow and they'd have Sean come back tomorrow also. Howard said there would be a series of tests for her before she meets him. He told Sean he doesn't have to sleep with her if he doesn't want to. He told her that she has to wear a bathing suit and if she can show her breasts, that would be great. They said they'd even get a little car for her to pose on. Howard found out she's had sex with girls too. Howard asked Sean if he's ever had a threesome. Sean said that's never happened. Chloe said she'd bring her girlfriend down and the two of them would ''rock his world.'' One of the guys came in and said Sean's publicist said Sean can't come back tomorrow because he has satellite interviews to do. The publicist came in a short time later and said she'd rearrange his schedule to make it happen tomorrow though. Howard told her that she has to leave Sean's hotel room after they bang, if they bang, and not stalk him. Chloe agreed to that and said she'd leave and never bother him again. Howard asked her if she'd give him anal too. She said he'd be the first but if he wanted to, she'd give it up. Howard told Sean if he wanted, he'd set up a bed right there in the studio if he wanted to bang her and leave from there. Sean seemed to be having fun with the whole idea and just laughed. Howard was telling this chick that he was going to give her a Nasty Sanchez, then toss her salad and give her a Pittsburgh Platter among other things. He then put her on hold and told Sean that he owes him, big time.
Howard said they'll check this chick out and if he doesn't like her look, they can get rid of her and take some more phone calls. Sean said they can do that and wish for the best. Howard wrapped up the segment and said they'd see Sean tomorrow.
Howard said he was thinking of going to the Celine Dion show but he can't handle it. Gary heard the theater is really uncomfortable because it's really hot and humid in there. Artie said it would be more comfortable in there if Aerosmith was playing there instead. Howard joked that Benjy wasn't invited but then told him he could go if he wanted. Howard told him plans might change though so he might be uninvited, just like they did with the private jet. Artie said he has a bunch of flasks he can bring so they can all drink when they go to the Siegfried and Roy show. Robin said the show is actually pretty entertaining. Howard said KC can yell stuff out during some of the stuff she was talking about.
Howard changed subjects and brought up the news about this terrorist Abul Abbas who was part of the Achille Lauro hijacking many years ago. They also talked about some of the things that happened with that case and how the guy was let go after being tried for the hijacking.
Gary had some updates on their upcoming $100,000 bet in Las Vegas. They have 8 entries for the contest and they have to narrow that down to 3. He read Howard the stories the entrants have and why they should be allowed to play. One woman was a complete mess. He read through her stuff and Howard said his head was spinning after hearing that. She has a couple of kids and her electricity is going to be turned off next week. There were a lot of other things she wrote in about too. Another entrant was diagnosed with cancer and doesn't have any money because he was an independent web designer and didn't have any health insurance. The guys agreed that it was pretty sad so Gary put it in the ''Maybe'' pile. The first one was probably in the contest. The third story was about a guy who was diagnosed with another disastrous disease that's going to wipe the family out financially. Howard said that one has to be in there too. Gary read the fourth story and this woman has been trying to pay off a $6,000 loan her dead husband left behind that ballooned to $65,000 with interest over the years. She can't afford to pay the bills and was laid off from her job. She has a couple of kids and wrote that she promises to leave some money for Howard in her will. Howard said she can probably find someone to marry her.
A woman called in and asked Gary to get off the air because he was wheezing. Gary said he's actually sick today. She asked him to please stop talking because it was just disgusting. Debbie Schlussel called in a minute later and started her talks on terrorism since Howard was talking about Abul Abbass earlier. She started talking about Syria and how Iran won't sit back and let us attack that country if we decide to go in there. They spent a minute on that before Howard let her go. Howard went on to play tape of Tim Robbins talking about how he's against us going into any of these countries. He talks about how we'd be upset if we saw kids heads blown off over in the Middle East. Howard said he'd think about the kids heads being blown off in the World Trade Center attacks first.
Howard got back to the stories Gary had for the upcoming $100,000 bet. Gary had four more to go. He read the next story who was molested by her half brother and was kicked out of her home at 17. Her husband left her after telling her he only married her to get his green card. She trusts no one and doesn't even have sex because she doesn't trust anyone. Howard said he didn't see how the money would help her so he turned that one down. The next story was about a guy who had kidney problems and that led to a lot of problems with his intestines and kidneys that made him a mess. He had to be on dialysis for a while and then his mother gave him one of her kidneys but got some kind of disease. After hearing the story Howard said he'd have to say no to that one because the guy might be dead soon. Gary got to the next story. This woman wrote in about how she was on a trampoline and ended up landing on her face of the gym floor. Gary started laughing when he read that line though. He couldn't even go on after that. He said he didn't mean to laugh but he had trouble stopping the laughter. He eventually did and read how her face was smashed and she eventually lost the ability to open and close her mouth. She claims that the co-payments for the health insurance are so high that they can't afford them and may lose their house. Her husband may also lose his job. Howard put her in the ''yes'' pile also. Gary had one more story. He read through that which was about a guy who had a heart attack and had a pace maker installed. He accidentally tore it out while lifting weights. He went on and on about some of the other stuff that the guy has been through. Howard said he wouldn't put that one in the ''Yes'' pile though.
Howard took a few phone calls and talked some more about the Middle East stuff before taking a break. He also took a call from a guy who had a sad story he wanted to add to the pile. He said he had to sit through Artie's movie ''The 4th Floor'' the other night. Howard told Gary to put him in the pile if he had to suffer through that. Howard had to get to Lionel Richie so he reminded people that his interview with Robert Duvall will be on E! tonight and went to commercial break.
Howard told Lionel that they've been trying to figure out what he's worth so he read through some of his stats. He has won Grammys and sold millions of albums. He owns all the rights to those songs so he's got to be worth a lot. Howard said his album ''Can't Slow Down'' sold 16 million copies. Howard figured he's worth billions of dollars but his math has never been a strong point. Lionel said that Uncle Sam comes in and takes a big chunk out of the money he makes. Howard said he's got to be worth at least $200 million. He wasn't saying he was worth that much or not though.
Howard brought up Lionel's divorce and how he threw a punch at his wife. Lionel talked about that and how they were separated at the time. He said the stories that are out there about his wife finding him with another woman weren't really right. He said he was with this woman who he eventually married. He wasn't fooling around with the woman at the time either, he was just hanging out with her. Howard heard that she was naked in a hotel room with Lionel and the wife came in and found them. He also heard that Lionel ran out of the room naked and left the other chick behind for his wife to beat up. Lionel said that story was better than his story but it wasn't true. Gary came in and said he heard that someone got kicked in the stomach in that incident. He also heard that Lionel went back with the wife first before getting married to the other woman.
Howard had Lionel tell the story about what really happened. He said that he and his wife had an argument out in the street one time and the cops ended up arresting them because of that. That was it but people exaggerate the story and change it. Robin wondered why she would be so upset with him if they were already separated at the time. Lionel went on to talk about how you can't prepare for success and money does change people. He talked about how his wife got some of his money in the divorce. He said you try to rationalize them getting half of your money and it's tough. Artie wondered how you keep writing love songs after something like that happens. Howard wonders how you get married again after a situation like that. Lionel said he met this woman and just fell in love and they've been together for 8 years now. Lionel said he's got a couple more kids now and Howard wondered why he's going through that again. Lionel said Howard was giving him a look that was pretty scary. He told Howard that when you find the right woman it just feels great. Howard wished him luck with the new marriage.
Howard said Lionel has a new album out called ''The Definitive Collection.'' Lionel said they put together a collection of his favorite songs with the new album. Howard said he was going to play some of his new stuff but ended up playing a song parody of a Doors song ''Food Came Through on the Other Side.'' He eventually played some of Lionel's old hits to remind people of some of the hits he's had over the years. Howard asked Lionel what he thought about Simon Cowell bad mouthing his performance of a song last week on ''American Idol.'' Lionel said that Simon winked before he did that so he didn't take it too seriously. Howard also asked Lionel about his 21 year old daughter who is apparently pretty hot. Howard asked him what it's like when she brings home boyfriends and stuff. He said the boyfriends are like ''Yo, yo, Mr. Richie I want to do right by your daughter...'' Howard told Lionel he's got a 19 year old daughter and he knows what he's going through.
Lionel said his daughter is going to be on a new reality TV show where they take celebrity types and put them on a farm where they have to work. He said he doesn't know how he's going to handle that.
Howard played some more of Lionel's stuff. Lionel said that he's done a duet with Enrique Iglesias which seemed to surprised Howard. He asked if he can really sing. Lionel said he can sing. Howard also asked Lionel if he's abandoned Michael Jackson as a friend. Lionel said he hasn't done that. He said his daughter has even slept over at his house. He told Howard he thinks Michael is alright. He did admit that Michael hanging his baby over the balcony of the hotel a few months ago was very strange though. Howard asked him if he ever saw Michael's fake nose fall off. Lionel said he's never seen that happen.
Howard took a call from Big Black who asked Lionel if it's a white woman he's married to. Lionel said she's a Greek American woman. Big Black was wondering how he could get a white woman himself. Howard wondered if the wife ''snapped back'' after her pregnancies. He said she snapped back just fine. He said she's an instructor for some kind of work out thing so she stays in shape. Artie said you have to watch out for the Greek women because they like diner food.
Howard took a couple more phone calls and started to wrap up the interview. Lionel told Howard that his wife was the one who told him he had to do Howard's show after he talked about him on the air last week. Howard checked out a picture he had of her and asked if her breasts were real. Lionel said they're absolutely her own. Howard asked Lionel if he ever had threesomes ''back in the day.'' Lionel said he had a lot of fun between the age of 19 and 35. A phone caller asked if Lionel ever had gay sex with any of The Commodores. He said nothing like that ever happened. Robin said that those guys were ''all men.'' Howard wrapped up the interview a short time later and gave Lionel a plug for his web site LionelRichie.com.
Howard asked Nick if he's enjoying the marriage. He said he is enjoying it. Howard said John told him his wife is smokin' hot too. Artie brought up that car trip and said that Nick was speaking for all of them when he yelled at his wife because they all knew she was wrong at the time.
The guys also talked about a strange incident Nick had with Sam Simon. Artie said that Sam was wondering if Nick had done a sitcom pilot recently because he looked familiar. He whispered that in Nick's ear and Nick thought that was kind of strange.
Nick's weight gain came up again and he mentioned how good Robin looked since she lost over 50 pounds.
Howard mentioned that Nick is appearing at The Improv in Orlando, Florida May 1st through the 4th. He's also appearing on Comedy Central's ''Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn'' Monday through Thursdays at 11:30pm.
Howard took a phone call from a woman who wanted to talk about some comments Howard has made about women not deserving money in divorces. Howard explained where he was coming from with that and how a lot of women don't do anything during a marriage and they don't deserve half of a celebrity's money. The woman was annoying Howard so much that he had to hang up on her. He asked Nick how he was able to get married when there are women like that annoying the crap out of guys. Nick said it's been good for the first month. He told Howard to ask him in a year.
Howard took a couple of other phone calls and one woman was complaining about the cops in the country and Rodney King's name came up. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about how many times that guy has gotten in trouble with the law but nothing phases him, he just keeps going.
Howard brought up how American Airlines is asking their flight attendants to take a pay cut because they're doing so bad. Nick said ''What are they making now? Eleven three?'' Howard said they probably don't make all that much money but they hope that they'll get a rich celebrity to fall in love with them or something so they keep doing it.
Howard had Robin start her news shortly after that.
Howard said he went to the allergist yesterday to find out if he's allergic to his dog or not. He said he's never had an allergy in his life and he's been having some problems since he got his dog Bianca. He said a bunch of people recommended this woman so he went to see her. He said they prick you with needles to test you and you barely feel it. He said they tested him for a bunch of stuff. He said he just wanted to know if it was his dog before he gets more emotionally attached to her. He said the test only takes 5 minutes so he has the answer. He said it turns out he's not allergic to anything, he has asthma! He said it's not a big deal though. He said he had a cold and this cough lingered for a while. That led to his airway being irritated for a while. He said he has some medication to take and he has to inhale that. He said it's not a permanent problem and he's not allergic to his dog. He asked if there were any side effects from this inhaler medication he has to take. She told him that only one percent of the patients will get a hoarse voice but there are no other effects. Howard said he'll probably be in that one percent.
Howard said he went home and played with the dog after getting the good news. Robin asked him if he thinks the cough was mental because he was thinking he might be allergic to the dog. Howard said he thinks that was possible. He said he really needed to know if it was the dog causing the problems because it was effecting his job.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who wondered what he was going to complain about now that he knows where he cough came from. Howard said he's not sure what's next. The caller said both Howard and Robin are very self-absorbed. He said that no one noticed that Robin had lost 50 pounds for a long time. Howard said they all just didn't notice it right away. Another caller told Howard that he was sounding a little hoarse this morning. Howard told him not to say that because he'd have to stop taking the medication. He said he'd better not have to stop drinking because of this medication because he's not going to give that up when they go out to Las Vegas next week. Fred started to say something to him about that and he asked him to stop. He said the doctor told him to just go on with his life so he's going to drink no matter what. He said he'd stop the medication on Monday if it's going to be a problem.
A paramedic called in and asked Howard what medication he was taking. Howard said it was Advair. The guy told him he is allowed to drink while taking that. Howard went on to talk about their trip to Vegas. He and Robin talked about the $100,000 bet they have and how they're going to pick the person with the ''World's Saddest Story.'' They picked the final 3 yesterday and now they have to figure out how to pick the winner.
Howard took a call from Dominic Barbara who said he has to take Advair about once a year when there are certain pollens in the air. He told Howard he can definitely drink while he's on that stuff. He mentioned that he's going to Vegas next week for the show and Howard wondered why he was going to be there. He said Dominic is going to be all over the show while he's out there. Dominic has already started calling him at home and has planned to hang out and gamble with Howard as much as possible. Howard said Dominic will be telling people from Hong Kong to get away from their table and stuff like that so they don't get this SARS virus. He was trying to be funny on the phone so Howard told him he wasn't funny and got off the phone.
Howard took a call from a guy who thinks 9/11 was a conspiracy by the big corporations in the U.S. To create more business. Howard told him he didn't have time for such nonsense though. He gave him about 10 seconds of air time and then hung up on him. Another caller said he thought he had an explanation for how Robin lost her weight since she won't talk about it. Howard wondered why he had to even guess at that stuff. The caller wondered when the show got so unfunny. Howard said it got unfunny when he got funny. He said he's just playing out his contract at this point. He went on to say that he heard James Woods being interviewed and he claims that he goes out on the street and tells people that he doesn't mind if they bother him because they are his bosses. Howard said that it seems as if Woods' ''bosses'' must have fired him years ago.
Howard was going to plug their Las Vegas stuff because Tom Chiusano has been complaining that he hasn't plugged it enough. He said Tom has plugs for everything they're doing out there. He just didn't get to them yet today.
Howard brought up how the FCC has been fining his company again for stuff that's been said on other shows. Howard said Tom asked him to say something on the air about how he has spoken to him about what he's not supposed to talk about on the air. Howard said he knows what he's up to covering his back. He said he'd make Tom and the company lawyers happy by saying that he was warned. He said that way he can be fired when they get fined again. Howard had to take a break after that.
Gary said they'll be playing ''Wack Pack Blackjack'' with High Pitch Erik, Beetlejuice and Gary the Retard. Howard said they're going to give each of them $200 of their own money and have them play some blackjack. Howard wondered how those guys are going to play a game like that and figure out when to take a hit. KC came in and said that Beetlejuice tried to make his own rules in a game of blackjack one time and ended up yelling at the dealer. Gary reminded Robin that they're using their own money in this game.
Gary told Howard that they have an official referee for Artie's basketball game. He was wondering how Howard wanted to handle fouls in the game. Howard said the first three fouls are just going to be ball checks. Gary told Howard once they get to six fouls, they give that person 2 foul shots. Robin wondered why they're not giving possession to the other player. Artie said he'd like to have unlimited fouls. Gary said that's what they're afraid of because he'll want to continually foul her until he's kicked her ass. Artie said he's going to verbally abuse the woman he plays against. He's going to yell out ''FI-AH!'' He said he might curse her out too. The guys said he's going to be playing this chick Marissa Graby who played college basketball. Howard seems to think that Artie is going to lose against this chick. There aren't many people who think he's going to win either.
Howard said the foul shots should be kept to just one. KC said they should get rid of them all together. A phone caller asked Howard what will happen when Artie sexually assaults this woman. Howard said he hopes Artie can control himself and not do that.
Howard wondered what the weather was like out there at this time of year. Fred said that it's in the 60's during the day and gets pretty cold at night. Scott DePace came in and said it was in the 80's last week when he was there. Robin wondered why they listened to Fred about that. Fred said he was on Accu-Weather last night and that's what he saw. He said it is a new week after all. Tom Chiusano came in and said the forecast is for the temperatures to be in the 70's all week long out there next week. Howard and Tom ended up talking about their discussion about Howard saying he has been warned about what he can talk about on the air. Tom said that Howard is paranoid and he's not having him do it to cover his ass like he thinks he is.
KC told Howard that Ted Nugent called yesterday and said he wants to commend Howard on his stance on the war and he wants to do it while he's out turkey hunting. Howard said he'll do that but he has to take a break. KC had a few brain teasers to do with Howard before the break though. Here are the teasers:
Sean said he got a few phone calls from his brother because he told a few stories about him that didn't go over very well. His brother said he would have liked to have known he was going to tell the stories before he told them to millions of people.
Howard reminded everyone about this woman Chloe, an import car show model, who called in and said that she'd love to meet Sean because she loves him. She claims that she pleasures herself to his image and wanted to meet him to let him bang her. Howard said Gary spoke to her yesterday and she was supposed to come in first thing this morning... but she didn't show! Sean was bummed out. Howard said he was looking forward to meeting her and went out of his way to get Sean to come back. Sean had to rearrange some scheduled interviews and stuff and the chick didn't show up. Howard was hoping if they killed some time, she'd show up.
Howard asked Sean what he did last night. He said he went out to eat at some Chinese food place. Howard ended up talking about that place for a short time. Sean told Howard he was really bummed that Chloe didn't show up this morning. Robin said this is bad for Sean because he's a movie star. Sean said ''Obviously not.'' They had a limo all set up for them to go out to lunch and everything. A listener called in and said that Sean got ''stiffed'' referring to his Stiffler character from the ''American Pie'' movies. A woman called in and asked Sean why he'd want to go out with a car show model, they're not all that hot. Howard said to be able to bang a hot chick and just leave afterward would be great. The woman said she's gay but Sean is great and might be able to turn her any day. Howard asked Sean if he has women coming up to him when he goes out to eat and stuff. He said he was stuck in a corner of the restaurant last night so he's hoping that's why not too many women came up to him. Howard took a few more phone calls to kill some time. One guy asked if Sean got to bang Jennifer Garner when she was in the movie ''Dude, Where's My Car?'' with him. He said she was dating Scott Foley at the time so he didn't get her.
Howard told Robin that she should give Sean hand release to make him feel better this morning. Howard said he's really surprised that this girl didn't show up. Someone said that maybe she was in an accident or something. Howard said the only accident might be her face. She might not be as hot as she thinks she does. Robin said she wishes she'd call in just so they could find out what was going on.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's been told he looks too much like him. He said a chick actually had her cell phone turned off the next day after meeting him for the first time because he looked too much like Howard.
Howard asked Sean about ''American Pie 3'' and when that will be out. Sean said it comes out August 1st. Howard said he heard that Sean had urine filled water balloons thrown at him or something there. It turns out that wasn't true though. He said that's what he said he would have done after someone threw the water balloons at him.
A woman called in and said the woman who didn't show up was an idiot and doesn't know what she's missing out on. She said she'd come down to meet him but she had to be at school in a half hour. Another woman said she do the same if she wasn't married. Howard said she'd probably bang him if she came down though because there are a lot of married women who will do stuff like that.
Howard spent a few more minutes with Sean before wrapping up the segment. He said he hoped this girl would show up during the segment but she still wasn't there. Howard gave Sean a couple more plugs for his movie and took some more phone calls. He mentioned model James King being in the movie and ended up talking about her drug problems. Artie ended up talking about how much he liked Heroin when he was using it. He said it felt great after telling all the kids listening to turn off their radios. Artie said he did it accidentally which is what Howard said happened to him too. Howard said he accidentally did it when he thought it was Coke. Howard talked to Artie about how he got fired from Mad TV because of his drug problems. Artie said they were very good to him back then but had to eventually let him go. Howard said Artie actually bought drugs with a credit card one time. Artie explained how that worked. He said the charges would show up on his credit card bill as being from a restaurant. Sean asked Artie if he ever partied with Orlando Jones. Artie said Orlando is a clean guy and only drinks a glass of wine. Howard thanked Sean for coming in again and wrapped up the interview as he went to break.
Howard asked him to do some turkey calls for him. Ted did some of the turkey sounds for Howard and Howard wondered if that's cheating. Ted said he wasn't sure but he wouldn't go fishing without a worm. He said he wouldn't want to go buy a Butterball turkey in the store filled with chemicals. He'd rather have the fresh, wild turkey.
Ted said that over at his web site, TedNugent.com, he has daily updates where he speaks to the troops over in Iraq. He told Howard he commends Howard for his support of the war and the troops as well.
This woman called in to talk to Ted about how she supports the bears in New Jersey and doesn't want them killed. Ted told Howard that he eats bear each year and there are more bears in the United States than there have ever been in recorded history. This woman, Susan, said that there will not be a bear hunt in New Jersey like they think there will be. Howard asked her what she's going to do to stop that and she kind of stuttered and said she wasn't going to say on the air what she's going to do. Howard said there are so many bears in New Jersey now that kids are afraid to go outside. Susan said that the problem is the people not taking care of their garbage.
A listener called in and said he was out hunting pigeons and faked an attack by them as a goof. Howard went on to say that Ted doesn't even make appearances at record stores anymore, he goes to hunting stores instead. A listener called in and told Howard he went hunting at Ted's ranch where he has a hunting school. They spent a short time talking about that and then Stuttering John came in and said when he was on the road with Ted, he'd do appearances at Bow and Arrow stores instead of CD stores. He said it was a weird scene. John also said that Ted asked that the guys no smoke pot while they were on tour with him. John said they'd smoke up and listen to Ted's speeches and not have a clue about what he was talking about. John said Ted's hot daughter was with them on tour but they were afraid to touch them for fear of Ted shooting them with a bow and arrow. Ted said that his daughter Sasha is now 27 years old and still single. Howard asked Ted if he'd shoot a guy if they slept with his daughter. Ted said ''Oh sure!''
Howard and Ted spent a few minutes talking about the war over in Iraq and how Syria might be next on our list. Howard said Iran says they'll get involved if we go after Syria next so we could take care of them next.
A listener called in and brought up the bear problem in New Jersey and thanked Ted for doing what he does. Howard said he'd like to see Ted take a rocket launcher and kill something. He asked him if he's ever used something like a grenade to go fishing with. Ted explained how you don't have to use big guns or explosives like that to hunt. He said sometimes using a gun that's too big will do less damage to an animal than a smaller gun. Howard said he'd like to use a flame thrower on a duck so he could kill it and cook it at the same time. He said he's never killed anything before and that might be the way to go. Stuttering John said he's seen Ted hang a guitar on stage and then shoot it with a flaming arrow from a distance and he actually hits it. Ted said he has missed on occasion though.
Robin didn't believe that Ted is able to eat all of this meat that he kills himself. Ted told them that he uses it all and gives a lot of it away to homeless shelters. Howard wrapped up the call and told Ted he's ready to go hunting in a tank with him. He also joked that he's going to rent a jet so he can go hunting with him. He had to take a break after that.
Howard took a call from a woman who wondered how Howard avoids giving his girlfriend razor burn on her private area when he shaves her. Howard said he doesn't worry about that. He said he just shaved his girlfriend one time and she does it herself usually. Howard suggested to the woman on the phone that she go to this place Completely Bare where they'll remove your hair with some kind of laser. Howard has had some stuff removed from his arms and his girlfriend has had it done to her private parts as well. She said she couldn't do it when she was on her period because it was too sensitive down there.
Howard took a call from a really angry guy who was complaining about the ''fagification of America.'' The guy went off for a few seconds before he cursed. Howard had to hit the delay and hang up on him. The guy mentioned ''American Idol'' in his rant so Howard ended up talking about that. Last night they voted off another contestant and Howard thought she was the right one to be voted off. He said she was really annoying.
Howard said he was watching one of these news channels last night and saw this commercial where people talk about rasing these animals called Alpacas or something like that. You actually raise them yourself as a business but Howard couldn't figure out what you do with them. Robin said the animals are supposed to be really nice and get along with kids. Howard said maybe they use them for their fur or something like that.
KC was in to play a game to give away a trip. Howard told him to just sit there for a couple of minutes because he wanted to do some other stuff first. He took a phone call from a guy who said he thinks Howard is nuts thinking that Beth doesn't want to marry him. Howard said he never said she didn't want to marry him, he doesn't want to get married. The guy said she probably wants to have kids too but Howard said she told him that she doesn't want kids though. Howard's voice went out during this discussion and he figured the inhaler he's using for his asthma is screwing him up. He was ready to go home at that point. He got back to the discussion about getting married though. He said he doesn't want to have more kids so he doesn't see a reason to get married. He said he's very honest and open about it with Beth so he doesn't think she's going to just wait around for him to come around. Howard said his niece is getting married and he told her she's nuts. He said he doesn't mind if his daughters don't get married. He said if they find someone they dig and just want to hang out, that's fine. He said he figures if you have kids then you might want to get married so your kids aren't bastards. Other than that, he doesn't see a reason to get married.
A listener called in and asked why they're not giving trips away to Las Vegas this year. He said down in Philly they're doing that and at Howard's own station in New York they're not doing it. Howard said that's up to the General Managers and Tom Chiusano is cheaping out once again. Howard said over at WNEW in New York they're changing formats and they have all new computer systems and stuff. He said Tom is so worried about the bottom line that he refuses to spend any money. He said he understands that a General Manager's job is to save money but they go too far. Howard talked about how filthy the bathrooms are at the station and how Tom won't even pay for that to be done. Stuttering John came in and said that they're like the only station that still uses these ''carts'' they use for bits and commercials. He said they have to go to a special place where they still make them while the rest of the country has moved on to new technology.
Howard said Tom was bugging him yesterday about the FCC and having client meetings with advertisers when they're out in Vegas. Howard said he doesn't care about the FCC thing and thinks that it's ridiculous that people are going after shows like his when there are shows like ''Sex and the City'' and even ''The Bachelor'' where people are doing stuff sexual. He said there are these religious freaks out there who think getting him off the air is going to change the country. Howard said he doesn't care if he's taken off the air or fired. He said it might be good to take him off the air for 3 years to see if it changes the country and cleans up the airwaves.
Howard said he tries to avoid having these meetings with Tom. KC said he'll actually cut through other people's offices to avoid seeing Tom. Howard suggested that everyone bug Tom for a raise in the halls. They're supposed to set a meeting but Tom never sets meetings with him so everyone should bug Tom the same way.
Gary came in and talked about some of the complaints they have about stuff they have going on there. Gary talked about a broken ice machine and a toilet seat cover dispenser that fell behind a toilet and got peed on. Tom came in again after that and let Howard go off on him for a short time. Tom said that the meeting he wants Howard to have out in Vegas is just a ''meet and greet'' and it's not a full blown meeting.
Howard asked Tom why he isn't giving away trips like the other stations are doing. Tom said he knows that Philadelphia is doing that but doesn't know that all of his stations are doing it. Howard told him that the L.A. Station is doing it too. Gary told Howard that some of their flights are going the long way and actually fly out to L.A. and then back to Las Vegas. A listener called in and said that Tom is very good at spending no money and making money. Howard said that's true and it goes against the rules of ''You have to spend money to make money.''
Howard told Tom they really have to clean their bathroom because it's disgusting. Stuttering John said he heard that Tom will actually clean it himself when he's in there sometimes. Tom said he doesn't carry a mop with him but he does do some minor clean up.
Howard took a call from a woman who said Howard's argument against marriage was very one sided and didn't understand how he could say that she ''never wants to have kids.'' Howard said that's what he's been told. He said that if Beth did ever get pregnant, he'd walk away. He said he'd help pay for the child but he doesn't want to be a father again. The woman said she gives Beth a lot of credit for staying with Howard. Robin told the woman that she was making no sense saying the stuff she was saying and then giving Beth credit for staying with him. Stuttering John said some of the guys were wondering if they hooked Beth up to a lie detector test and asked her if she wants to marry Howard, would she say 'no' and fail. Howard said he doesn't know what would happen with that. He said he hasn't kept his thoughts from Beth and she knows what he thinks about marriage and having kids. Gary said he thinks that Beth may change her mind some day but Howard will deal with it when it comes. He doesn't see anything wrong with the way he's handled it so far. The caller said that Howard is just afraid of losing more of his money, that's why he won't marry. Howard said there's nothing wrong with that and if he wanted to, he could have her sign a pre-nuptial agreement. Howard and the woman argued with each other for a few minutes. The woman said that Beth doesn't want kids at this point because she's concentrating on her career. The guys told the woman that she doesn't know that because she's not Beth. She's just assuming all of this stuff.
KC said that Beth doesn't want to have kids because she's hot and women look horrible when they're pregnant. Howard had to wrap up the segment a short time after that.
Howard got Rob Zombie on the phone to talk about his movie ''House of 1000 Corpses'' which made $4 million last week even though it was only in 500 theaters. Howard thought that money was pretty low until he was reminded it was in limited release. It's actually being considered a hit right now. Rob sadi other movies were in a thousand theaters. Rob sadi they're opening it up to another couple hundred theaters this week. Howard wonders why they don't just put it out everywhere. Rob sadi the movie company is being very cautious about the whole thing.
Howard said he's heard that Rob's wife Sheri shows her ass in the movie. Rob was wondering what Howard was goofing on him about during the break. Howard told him that he just didn't think this movie was going to make any money, that's what he was talking about earlier. Howard asked Rob what he's going to direct next. Rob said he's got a bunch of things that he can do, he's trying to figure out what he wants to do.
Howard took a couple of phone calls for Rob and let some people talk about the movie. One guy said he loved it, another guy said it was very disappointing. That guy sadi it looked like they had to chop it up a lot. Rob said the MPAA was pretty harsh on them so they did have to cut some scenes. Howard told Rob that the sequel should be called ''House of Sheri's Ass'' and just be her ass through the whole thing. Howard congratulated Rob on his success and got off the phone with him. Vinnie Favale called in a short time later and said he saw the movie and it was great. He asked Rob a question but Rob wasn't there so Howard got his megaphone and pretended to be Rob for a few seconds. Vinnie didn't fall for it though. Howard tried to ask Vinnie a question but he'd also hung up.
Howard asked when his client meeting is out there. Gary told him that happens on Wednesday. Gary mentioned one of sponsors who runs a commercial for Puristat which will clear out the 5 feet of impacted waste in your intestines. Howard replayed the commercial that ran during their last break and goofed on it a little bit. Gary asked Robin if that's what she used to do when she was having her colonics and stuff. Robin said that she had colonics and once saw a carrot being flushed out of her. Howard moved on to talk about some of the other wacky sponsors he's had on the show over the years. They talked about a brickface and stucco advertiser that he met with and how boring the meetings always were. Howard said he didn't need to know anything about the product but they insisted on showing him how stucco works. Gary told Howard about some of the clients who would be at that meeting but Howard didn't seem to want to hear about it. He hurried Gary along and moved on to other stuff.
Howard said that Paula Abdul is reporting for Entertainment Tonight now and can barely read her lines. He said it's really bad. He played the tape and goofed on her a little bit. He complained about how she never shuts up on ''American Idol'' and won't let Simon Cowell speak. Robin said she may be the reason she stopped watching the show.
Tom Chiusano showed up to tell Howard about the sponsors who will be at this meet and greet he has to do. Howard wondered why these people want to meet him because he's a miserable guy. Gary said they all have to go to greet these people and it's not that big of a deal.
Mob informant Henry Hill called in and said he wants to see them out there in Vegas and his book publisher gave him 75 copies of his book A Goodfella's Guide to New York and they'll give the proceeds away to charity. Robin wondered what proceeds he was talking about if they were giving away the books. Henry said people can donate if they want to. Tom told Howard that he trusted Henry with his money last year and the guy actually won him some money. He said he'll have to do that again this year. This guy Paulie who calls in each time Henry is on called in to ask when and where they can meet to fight. Henry said he's been talking about this for months now and nothing has been set up. Paulie said he's trying to set stuff up but it hasn't worked out. Henry wondered how he knew Paulie and what his beef with him was. Paulie was very cryptic in his explanation though so no one could figure out what he was talking about. Henry told the guy to show up in Vegas and he'd take care of things then. Gary asked Henry why he's not afraid of this guy. Henry said he's got no reason to be afraid of him. Henry said he'll even meet the guy behind the Hard Rock hotel to fight him. Howard put Paulie on hold so Gary could set him up to meet them out in Vegas. Howard wrapped up the call with Henry and played a clip from ''Goodfellas'' which was based on Henry's life. Howard said Vegas is sure going to be interesting. He had Robin start her news a short time later. He said he had some tape of Madonna to play but he didn't have time to get to it today. He said he'd do it tomorrow. He also said he got an e-mail from someone who had a topless picture of actress Sofia Vergara, who claimed the other day that she never shot any nude pictures. Howard said she sure looked good.
Howard says he's on a strict diet right now. He wants to lose 15 pounds by next Tuesday. He said he was packing for his trip to Vegas next week and when he tried to get into some bathing suits they weren't fitting him very well. Howard was sick for a while and then got the asthma so he couldn't work out enough to keep the weight off. He said he was just eating egg whites for breakfast. Artie brought in some kind of Italian meat pie for everyone to enjoy but Howard couldn't enjoy it since he was on the diet. Howard said he thinks Robin is going to be in a thong since she's lost so much weight lately. Robin said she doesn't have a bathing suit so she'll have to go shopping for one out in Vegas. Howard asked her if she wanted him to go shopping with her. Gary called in over the loudspeaker and told Howard there's a whole rack of suits there in the studio. Robin wasn't looking to get into any of those though. Robin said she has to wait to see what the weather is like out there before she buys a bathing suit. Howard said if it's 80 degrees out there she'd better get in the pool.
Artie asked ''How much fun are we gonna have out there?'' Robin said he's going to have so much fun he'll be on the brink of death.
Howard said his girlfriend Beth had a bathing suit shoot yesterday and the photographer got all ''artsy'' on her and wanted to shoot her under water. Howard said Beth called him and said that she wasn't sure about doing it. Howard asked to talk to the photographer but got what he thought was an assistant. It turned out that it was the photographer and he sounded like a woman. Howard said they ended up doing it anyway. They kept her eyes open and spray painted makeup on her face. Beth got sick and couldn't sleep last night after doing it. Howard said it wasn't even for a lot of money because it was for the cover of a magazine.
Howard said he had a commercial read yesterday and the copy he was reading lasted 7 minutes. He said it was ridiculous. Then he went back to take a nap in his office and Tom came and bugged him. He sent KC back to get Howard so they could check out Howard's new office. Howard said he doesn't really use his office that much, just for taking a nap once in a while. Howard said when he's in his office there's either women yelling over the loudspeaker or Crazy Cabbie is back there yelling in the halls. Artie said they can hear Cabbie all over the whole floor when he's there. Howard said the fire alarm also went off. KC told Howard that Cabbie asked him if Howard would let him give him oral. Howard said he has no desire to let him do that. Howard got back to his new office story and said KC took him back there to check it out. Howard said the office is Tiny and there are a lot of other people in sales working back there. He said he'd have to pass Tom's office. He said he doesn't want to get dragged into meetings with Tom when he's going back to take a nap. He figures he'd be dragged into client meetings with advertisers and other meetings. Howard said his old office is so full of old crap that he can barely move in there. He said there are boxes of Yoo Hoo and other crap that can be thrown out. Artie said he'd take the Yoo Hoo off their hands. He also suggested putting some of that in their refrigerator so he can have it with his lunch.
Howard said Tom had some old furniture that he was getting rid of and wondered if Howard wanted it. Howard said KC was like a furniture salesman and asked him what he thought about this desk and the credenza. He said he didn't know the word for it so he said ''Cra, cra... what do you call it?'' Howard said after that KC went back and got Howard's coat for him. Howard said KC came out with his coat still on the hanger and said he didn't want to be rude and take it off the hanger. KC said that he wouldn't want someone touching his coat so he didn't touch Howard's coat. He said he doesn't want stuff falling out of the pockets or anything. Howard seems to think that KC needs to see a psychiatrist about stuff like that. There's no reason he should be handling a coat that way. He should be able to grab the coat and carry it without the hanger. KC said he's just not going to touch it. He said you wouldn't let someone touch your food, so why would you let someone touch your coat. Howard couldn't believe that he was comparing food to a coat. He said that KC can't get close to a woman either. KC said that he's been seeing a woman for 4 years now. He only sees her once a week on the weekends but that's because she's going to school. KC didn't think that it was a big deal that he didn't want to touch a coat but everyone else thought it was kind of weird. Howard tried to get him to touch the coat in the studio but he didn't want to go near it. Robin said she doesn't know how he gets through the day.
Howard said Jay Leno has decided to let someone else host his show for him just like Letterman did when he was out sick. Howard said Jay really is a little copycat. He figures Jay is doing it because Dave did it. Leno is going to switch places with Katie Couric. Howard said he guesses Leno doesn't want to copy Letterman exactly so he didn't try to get Shingles.
Howard showed KC what he did with the cups of water that caused him to spill the water. KC said most people would look before grabbing the bag though. Howard and Robin said KC is untrainable. KC was blaming the whole thing on the fact that there were no tops for the cups in the lunchroom. Howard asked him why he didn't just buy more if there weren't any back there. KC said they should just be there because they usually are.
This girl Chloe who never showed up yesterday to meet actor Sean William Scott finally came in this morning. Howard told her that Sean wasn't able to make it in this morning. Howard checked her out for a few seconds and said that he'd bang her if she left after the bang. He told her she blew it and he really wanted to meet her. He told her he had it all set up and it was a done deal but she blew it. Sean had an 8 o'clock flight this morning so he couldn't make it in today. Gary said he thought she was going to cry because she really was bummed out about the whole thing. Howard had her posing for them and said she was pretty good looking.
Chloe, who's only 19, is an Import Car Show Model. She told Howard about that and how a lot of guys will hit on her at the car shows. She said they're not allowed to sit on the cars at the shows because they're not allowed to. Howard had her get into a bathing suit so she could pose for them on the car hood they had set up in the studio. Howard said he'd bang her but Gary didn't think she was all that hot. Howard said she's a little too young for him because he has a daughter her age.
A listener called in and suggested that they send this girl down to the airport to give Sean something in the bathroom. Howard told Gary to find out what flight he was on and try to make that happen. Howard said Gary told him that Chloe was ''not fat, but she's not tight, she's a little doughey in the stomach.'' Howard said he was right but Sean might have done her since it would have been a one time thing.
Chloe was out in the hall and didn't change her clothes. She was apparently listening to what Howard was saying and changed her mind about it. She didn't have a reason for not changing for him. Howard said he busted his balls for her and now she's stiffing him again. She claimed that she was on her period but Howard didn't believe it. Howard wanted her to prove that she was on her period by showing them her pad. She pulled out her panties but didn't have a pad on. She seemed to be lying about everything. Howard told her to just put her bathing suit on and things were getting kind of hostile. Howard said she wasn't on her period. He sent her off to change again.
Howard said he would have tried really hard to get a girl like that in high school. He wouldn't have gotten close to a girl like this when he was a kid.
Howard had a story about Gary from Stuttering John that he wanted to tell. John said he thought Howard wasn't going to say he heard it from him. Howard first talked about this Pizza Gain that Artie's mom sent over. He said it was horrible. He tried to dig in with a fork and the fork broke. He said it's got all kinds of meat and cheese in it and it was hard as a rock. Artie thought he was nuts.
Howard interrupted again because Chloe was there in her bathing suit. Howard said she's not bad but she's got a big belly and could stand to lose 20 pounds or so. She said she'll lose it by the time summer comes around. Howard said he thinks that Sean still would have banged her though. He said he'd send her over to the airport to meet Sean but the weight thing might keep them from being a love match. Howard said that from her bellybutton to her face was good. He said below there was a little chubby.
Howard said that he knows Sean will be back to promote another horrible movie sometime in the future. Gary said he should be back in August for ''American Wedding.'' Howard told Chloe that she has until then to get in shape. She told Howard that she only weighs 121 pounds but Howard put her on a scale. Howard had guessed 140 or so and she weighed in at 144 pounds. She's only 5'6'' tall. Howard told her she has to lose a lot of that weight. Howard said she has a cute face and nice boobies. She said this is the heaviest she's ever been. She said she's been eating a lot of carbs like cereal and bread. Artie said ''that's good'' which is bad news if he's saying it's good. She also said she drinks a lot of beer. Howard told her to knock off the carbs and to forget about bread. Bread isn't her friend. He told her to start running and tighten herself up. Gary said they could give her a free year membership to Bally Total Fitness. She thanked them for that. Chloe said she started gaining weight when her mom went to jail and she got depressed. Her father died so she didn't have him to fall back on. Howard tried to find out what she was in jail for but she didn't want to say. She said she may be released on the 29th of this month but she may have to go right back in. Chloe said she's been in jail since Halloween of last year and she's been living on her own since then. Howard told her to jog to the jail. She said it was about 50 miles from where she lives.
Howard was still wondering what her mother could have done to get put in jail. Since it happened around Halloween they guessed that she was there for egging a house or something.
Attorney Dominic Barbara called in and said that it sounds like her mother was on probation and broke the probation so that's why she has to go back to jail. Dominic said he'd help her out if he could. She eventually broke down and said that her mother was in for possession for narcotics. Dominic heard some of the story and told her to give him a call off the air to get the details.
Chloe started talking about her sister's dead-beat boyfriend and her sister living with her but he cut her off and got back to her weight loss. Howard said it was time to nip the weight gain in the bud and get into shape. Howard also gave her some advice on her hair style and stuff like that.
Gary asked Chloe how many guys she's been with sexually. She said it's been 4 guys since she lost her virginity. KC asked her ''How many knobs?'' She said it was more than 4 but less than 10. Howard went on to tell her that it was a good thing Sean wasn't there today because he would have found a way to blow her off. He told her that her goal weight is 105 pounds so she has to lose about 39 pounds by August.
Howard took a call from a guy who wanted her to get off the air because she ruined the show yesterday and she wasn't doing anything for them today. Gary said she's actually a sweet girl who's misdirected a little bit. Howard wrapped up the interview with Chloe and said that was probably Dominic's next wife they'd just seen. He took a break after that and said he'd get to the story about Gary when they got back.
Howard and Robin talked about this guy Dr. Atkins who fell on some ice outside his clinic and hit his head a few weeks ago. He finally succumbed to his injuries and died yesterday. Howard also talked about a woman who used to work at his gym who also fell and died recently. He said she was a really nice woman too.
Howard brought up this terrorist Abul Abbas because he's been reading a bunch of stuff about him lately. He said the Italians just let him go years ago because they were so afraid of him. He spent a short time talking about that and then got back to Dr. Atkins. He wonders if Atkins was thinking about how much stuff he denied himself, creating that diet of his, while he was dying. Artie wondered how you can go through life not eating bread. Artie just couldn't grasp the concept of not being able to eat a sandwich.
Howard said over in Iraq they had a zoo and when they were liberated the people let all of the animals go and a lot of them were stolen. He read that the only animals not let go were the lions and tigers because they hadn't eaten in a few days and the people were afraid they'd be eaten. Howard wondered why they even had a zoo over there. Robin said what they really needed over there was hospitals and they were busy building zoos.
Howard asked the guys if they watched ''Friends'' last night because the girls on the show are starting to look really old. Howard said Lisa Kudrow looks about 45 years old and Jennifer Aniston was looking ''really beat'' to Howard. He said she needs to get some botox injections in her forehead or something. He also mentioned that this black chick who used to host ''Talk Soup'' on E! is doing a 4 week run on ''Friends'' as a love interest for Ross. Howard said she's supposed to be playing the part of a sexy paleontologist, like there is such a thing. Howard tried singing the theme song for ''Friends'' but Artie begged him not to sing it. Howard was creating a bit about how the new black paleontologist was on and Rachel gets banged by a big black dude. They then played a clip from this movie where this woman is yelling ''Nigga F*** me hard!'' over and over again while she's having sex with him. Howard said he could revamp ''Friends'' saying that Joey would go gay, Phoebe would admit she's 45 and Courtney Cox's character would quit being a chef and go strip at Scores.
Howard moved on to this guy Brantley Barden after that. Howard asked him if he ever watches the TV show ''Smallville.'' Brantley said he just watches stuff like ''The Sopranos'' and ''Sex and the City.'' Howard said the chick who plays Lana Lang isn't as hot as guys think she is. He said she looks kind of monkey-ish. He said the chick that plays Lex Luther's girlfriend on the show is the one who's really hot on that show. Brantley said he has to agree with him there. Howard thought Brantley was gay, which he is, so he ended up talking to him about that. Brantley said he gets to hang out with these really hot chicks and a lot of them want to come in and meet Howard. Howard heard that Brantley got to hang out with Jennifer Lopez one time and she was spreading her legs for him and doing some other weird stuff. Brantley said that at one point she was facing him and picked up her right leg and touched it to her nose. He wasn't sure what she was doing though. He said he never knows what kind of message she was trying to send him. Brantley told Howard that he's never slept with a woman in his life. Howard said maybe J-Lo was trying to hypnotize him with her vagina that night he was hanging out with her.
Howard wanted to know who the famous guy was that Brantley claims to have slept with. Brantley wasn't talking about who it was though. Brantley said that the guy he banged also banged him. Howard asked him what his initials were. He said they were D.C. and Howard would never come up with the answer. Howard figured it was Dick Clark. Howard and the guys guessed names like...
Howard got back to Brantley's celebrity bang and asked him a few more questions. He asked if he left any evidence on the other guy. Brantley just laughed.
Howard had Brantley review some movies. He said that ''Holes'' was actually quite good and gave Howard a rundown of what the movie was about. Howard also asked him about ''The Mighty Wind'' which Brantley said was ''Really, really, really, really good.'' Howard said everyone is into those Christopher Guest movies except for him. He said he just doesn't get it.
Howard said Ronnie the Limo Driver couldn't sleep the other night and ended up watching Britney Spears in ''Crossroads'' and after seeing the opening scene where she's jumping up and down on the bed in her bra and panties, he had to watch the whole thing. Ronnie said it was one of those dopey teen movies that he couldn't stop watching. He said she was in a bunch of hot outfits throughout the movie. Ronnie told Howard about the movie and about the hot scenes from the movie.
Gay Rich called in and asked Brantley why he's not talking about these celebrities he's banging. He said that they're the first ones to talk about other gay celebrities but they don't talk about their own relationships. Brantley said he would talk about it if it came up. He said there are lawsuits to over come but he'd do it. Howard wrapped up the segment a short time later. He reminded everyone that Brantley's column ''Idle Chatter'' appears in ''Premiere'' magazine each month.
Howard said that when you hear about a celebrity that's gay that you didn't know about, you can't watch them in a movie. Howard said when he heard Rock Hudson was gay, he couldn't watch any of his movies. Howard took a couple of phone calls before taking a break. One caller was complaining about Charles Barkley for a few seconds and then complained about Brantley being ''too gay.'' Howard told the guy that might mean he's gay himself. Howard said he doesn't have a problem with guys being ''too gay.'' He figures that means he's straight and comfortable with his sexuality.
Howard took a couple more phone calls and one guy asked Howard about his wiping technique. Howard said he wipes 3 times and then uses wet toilet paper and then uses wet toilet paper to clean up after that to make sure it's all clean. He said he did that the other day at the station and forgot to dry himself off so he was walking around with a wet ass. Howard also said he wipes from back to front. Stuttering John said he goes from front to back. He wondered if Howard has any remnants of the toilet paper left behind when he wets the paper. John said he's tried wetting the paper and it leaves stuff behind. Artie said that he thinks there are times when John doesn't wipe at all.
Howard brought up the Las Vegas trip and talked about how his girlfriend has a whole new wardrobe for the trip. John asked if he thinks they'll be able to go to a strip club out there. Howard said he'll be able to go and Beth will go with him. Howard wanted Stuttering John to get out of the studio but he wanted to talk about Gary. John ended up talking about how he had about 20 beers yesterday for passover. He went to a Yankees game yesterday around noon and started drinking. He didn't finish until about 11 last night. Howard said the traffic has been horrible during the holiday. Howard and John shared some food stories. John said his wife's mother made brisket with Coca Cola.
Gary said that there must be a gene in all women that makes them find something negative in everything guys do. Gary said that he was getting picked up by a car service the other day and though it would be great to be picked up in a limo. His wife told him to make sure the guy didn't honk the horn when he showed up. Gary said it really bummed him out. Howard went on to complain about women not working and complaining about their husband's work related stuff. Robin mentioned this story about writer Michael Crichton who got divorced and had to give up half of his $65 million earnings from the Jurassic Park stuff. She said the woman didn't even like the stuff her husband worked on but she was willing to take half the money from that.
Gary told the guys that his wife will kick him out of bed an hour early when his alarm goes off. Gary said he knows he's whipped. Tom Chiusano came in a minute later and said that his wife actually thanked him for everything he's provided her with. Howard and the guys ended up applauding her for that and Howard said that was an amazing story. Stuttering John had a similar story about his wife. He said he got a card from her thanking him for everything he's done for his family. Gary said he's heard that John becomes king of the house when he gets home on Friday night. He doesn't have the problems that Gary does.
Robin read some stuff from the story about Michael Crichton's wife and how she hated being around him when he was writing his books. Howard wondered why she took his money if she hated him so much when he was WORKING for that money. Howard couldn't stand to hear the story and started banging his head with the microphone. He said he was going to pile drive it into his head.
John and the guys talked about how nice Gary's house is but Howard said he doesn't want to see it because when he loses it in the divorce, he's going to hate to see Gary living in a trailer. Stuttering John said his wife is so great that she's packing his bags for Las Vegas and he didn't even have to ask her to do it. Artie said he only brings a toothbrush with him. He hardly packs a thing. Howard said he's a real degenerate. He had to take another break after that.
Richard said he did a spot on the TV show ''Alias'' and got to hang around with the beautiful Jennifer Garner for 10 hours. He talked about that for a short time and got in a few plugs for a couple of gigs he's got coming up. He said he's got 12 cities but he just wanted to plug the Brooklyn and Chicago gigs he has.
Howard said Richard is dating an older woman now. Richard told him she's in her 40's which isn't that old to him. Richard wouldn't say how old he is exactly when Howard asked. He said he's about 5 years older than Howard which would make him 54 or so. Howard asked him if he still has his hair. He said he has most of it but there is a small spot that's starting to bald in the back of his head. Gary said he's really thin these days too. Howard called him ''Auschwitz thin.'' Howard wrapped up the call after a few minutes and gave him a plug for this comedy gig he's doing at the Brooklyn Center for Performing Arts on April 26th.
Howard said that he felt bad for Richard when he heard that it had been a year since he was last on the show. He had Gary tell him that he couldn't come on and Richard seemed to be really hurt by that.
Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about their Las Vegas trip. He asked Artie how much money he's bringing with him out there. Artie said he's bringing ''five figures'' worth of cash with him. He said he doesn't want to be caught red handed without any money out there. He said he got a bunch of cash from a gig he did so he's bringing that with him plus some other money. Artie said he looks at the money he makes from these comedy shows as not even his money. He said it's not even work he's doing when he does those gigs. Artie said he doesn't have any hobbies or anything that he spends money on. He just likes to gamble. Gary told him that a hobby like that is something you're eventually going to lose at. Artie told Howard when they go to Vegas he's going to put down a thousand and bet it within the first hour of the first show they do. Tom Chiusano came in and said that he's applied for a line of credit out at the Hard Rock so he doesn't have to carry cash. Howard talked to Tom about what he's going to be playing out there. He asked Tom if he was going to play Craps. He said he didn't ''get it'' so he probably wouldn't be playing unless Artie wants to show him some stuff about it. Artie said he'd do that. Howard had to take another break after that.
Howard moved on to Mike's game so here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories: