Howard said he got on the elevator to come up to the studio this morning and the elevator started going down all of a sudden. Howard said he freaked out and thought they were going to crash or something. Howard said the guy downstairs can put his key in and bring all the elevators down at once. Artie said that guy told him he was having trouble with the elevator but he'd let him get to the top before using his key. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said that they got all the way up to the 14th floor and it started dropping all of a sudden. He said bells were going off and it just went down. Ronnie said that when the fire alarm goes off all of the elevators are supposed to go down to the first floor. Howard said he'd like to be able to use an elevator in a fire even though you're not supposed to. Howard took a break after talking about that for a short time.
After the break Howard was trying to find some tapes to play but he couldn't find what he was looking for. Howard said that Jeff Probst from ''Survivor'' will be stopping by later in the morning. Robin said she saw the previews for the new season of the show and it doesn't look like there's any good looking chicks. Howard said it doesn't look that way now, but they may come out later. Howard went on to talk about going out to dinner over the weekend. He went to Mercer Kitchen and used his $500 gift certificate from the people at Bally's. Howard said he went with Beth and some of her friends that came in to visit. He told Robin that Mary McCormack, who played his wife in ''Private Parts'' also came in over the weekend so he went to a party with her. At that party he saw Dr. Baker whose son is dating this woman Sophie Dahl who was also at Mercer Kitchen the night he was there. Howard said he saw a person that looked like a guy dressed as a woman but Beth told him that it was actually a big super model. Howard said sometimes those chicks don't look all that good in person. Howard told Robin that it was really dark in the club but he was wearing his dark glasses so it made it worse. He asked someone what they were eating and they told him it was a hat sitting on the table. Howard said he'd rather look good than be able to see.
Howard said it was Mary McCormack's birthday so they went to her birthday dinner over the weekend. Yesterday he said he stayed in and watched some movies. He pointed out that Blockbuster will actually let people bring their dogs into the store so he likes to bring Bianca there to hang out. Howard said he rented the worst movie ever... ''Blue Crush.'' Howard said he really wanted to like it but it was ''horrible... unwatchable.'' Robin said Howard didn't like ''The Majestic'' but she didn't mind it. They also talked about ''Gangs of New York'' and said that it started off good but got boring toward the end.
A listener called in and asked Howard if he had to pay for the dinner he went to with Mary McCormack like he did last week with Ross. Howard said Mary's boyfriend took care of the bill this time. He went on to talk about Mary and how she used to be against marriage. Howard said he told her that she won't make a good mother because she's too self-centered. Howard said he also said he won't be going to her wedding which will be in London. He told her he's not flying to London to go to a wedding. Gary asked him if he'd go if she was getting married in Los Angeles. He said he would so Gary pointed out that the flight is about the same to either place. Howard said that he doesn't want to fly anywhere. He said he loves to go to weddings but not out of state. He said the best wedding he ever went to was Gary's. He said they were in an Italian restaurant hall or something. Gary said it didn't have anything to do with an Italian restaurant. Howard said it was all Italian food though. That wedding was 11 years ago and he still remembers it. Robin said she hates buffets like that and standing in line like cattle. Howard said people were all going up at different times so there weren't lines. Robin said she remembers there being lines though. Howard said his niece is getting married so he suggested that place but it's apparently gone. Howard and Robin remembered getting some laughs at Gary's wedding. Howard said he was having a lot of fun getting chicks back then and he could have been having fun all this time. Gary said he met his wife the first week the channel 9 show started so he didn't even have the chance to take advantage of being recognized from being on TV.
Stuttering John went to dinner at Gary's over the weekend and had a funny story to tell. John said that they went out to smoke together. John said that when Gary went out to smoke, his wife asked him if he was going to take care of their son who was sick. Howard asked what smoking had to do with taking care of the kid. Gary said it's just crazy logic. Howard said that makes him really mad because she doesn't work. She should be able to get up and take care of the kids in the middle of the night. John said that they just don't want them to be happy. Gary went on to tell another story about his wife. Gary said his wife wanted a fireplace put in their living room that they're remodeling. She told him it was only going to be about $3000. It turned out to cost them about $10,000. Gary told Howard that Stuttering John has been talking about how he and his wife get into a lot of arguments these days. He used to talk about how great his wife was. Howard told Gary that he spent $10,000 on a space heater. Gary told him that it's a fireplace with fake logs and a gas flame in it. Howard said he loves a fire but he hears his mother's voice saying that it's a dirty, filthy thing. Howard said he got his first Christmas tree ever for Beth this year and he wanted the fire place to be burning wood so he drove around for 2 hours looking for the right wood. They were staying at a house out on Long Island at the time. Howard went on to talk about what a nightmare that was. Howard said even having the dog is strange because of the things his mother used to say about them when he was younger. She would tell him that they're dirty and they drain your energy. Howard said he looks at the dog sometimes and wonders if she's right.
Howard said that everyone thinks that they're great parents but they're not. He talked about how his kids really don't care that he's on the radio. They just know him as Dad and think he's gross on the radio. Howard said he tries not to tell the kids that he's the one that pays for everything they have. They don't understand that he's the one who made all the money that pays for their stuff. Stuttering John said that he wanted to buy a desk for his office recently but his wife kept saying that they didn't have any money to buy one. He eventually had to say that he starved himself for days to win the $25,000 in the Bally Total Fitness challenge so he's going to buy the desk. Gary and the guys were talking about how they have to deal with their wives. Robin heard all of this and said she doesn't have to deal with any of that because she's not married.
Howard was going to take a break but Ross called in and told Howard that John had 10 Amstel Light's at dinner the other night. He said that they had John's beer cooling in a bucket of ice the whole night. Howard spent a minute on that and then took another break.
Howard said the National Enquirer has photos of Rosie O'Donnel who has ballooned up to 310 pounds. Howard also said she still has her middle finger bandaged up for some reason. Howard said the Enquirer also has a picture of Lisa Kudrow without any makeup on and she looks like she's about 45 to 50 years old. He went on to read another article about Naomi Judd being really rude on ''Star Search.'' She picks apart models and little kids who they're judging. Another article claims that Mini Me, Vern Troyer, is back on the bottle again. Howard said his girlfriend looks really hot in the picture he saw. Howard said ''He's one foot tall!... Of course he drinks.''
A listener called in and said that there are gay retards out there. Howard said he's never seen one and wants the guy to bring one in. Another guy called in and said he knows some gay retards. He said there's absolutely gay people in the retarded and handicapped community. The guy said even retarded people are sometimes ashamed of being gay and won't come out. Howard asked the guy if the gay retards like ''Queer as Folk'' and Barbra Streissand. The guy said that show is actually one of their favorites.
Howard got back to the Vern Troyer story. Artie said he had an extra drink over the weekend because he's going bald. Vern is probably drinking because he's so small. Howard continued to read the article and said that probably makes him feel 4 feet tall. He read that Vern pulled up to the liquor store in his Mercedes Benz. A few minutes later a woman was helping him carry out a 12 pack of beer. Howard and the guys talked about that for a short time. Howard then said there was an article about how bad the water on airplanes is for you. The article said the water contains a lot of bacteria that can actually kill you. Howard said the water in the toilet is safer. The article says the water tank may not be cleaned more than once every 7 years or so. In some of the water they found insect eggs that later hatched into maggots.
Howard spent a few more minutes talking about the Rosie O'Donnel thing and the new ''Survivor'' season. He said he's really not that interested in the new season but Jeff Probst is coming in to promote it. Howard said he's not even sure why he's having Jeff on but he guessed that he's just curious about the new men vs. women season. Howard said he really didn't want to take a break at this point even though he's supposed to. He ended up talking about WNEW and how people ask him what they're going to put on that station. They're going to change formats but they haven't decided they'll be playing yet. Howard and Artie goofed on the Z-100 DJs for a short time too.
Wendy the Retard called in so Howard asked her about where she meets other retards. She said they meet at the bowling alley. Howard said she's in a bowling league and asked her how she does when they don't use bumpers in the gutters. She said she can get 108 using them or not using them. Howard wondered if all of the retards bowl in the same lane. Howard wondered if anyone ever accidentally made a doody in the lane. Wendy said that Christina might do that sometimes. She said one of the guys drools a lot too. Howard said he sees a new TV show... ''Retarded Bowling.'' Howard asked Wendy if there are any gay retarded people. Wendy said she saw two guys kissing each other one time so there are retarded gay people. A phone caller said that these retards can bowl as good as, or better than, normal people. He said to make them really happy all they have to do is congratulate them over the speaker. The caller said that he doesn't know any gay retards but he does know a lot of ''whore retards.'' He said some of them are very sexual. Howard and Wendy continued to talk about retarded people. Howard found out that even retarded people make fun of dumb people. Wendy said that she knows Howard wants her to come on the show but her mother's car can't make it. She needs to rent a car so she asked Howard if she'd do that for him. Howard said he'd fly her in but she said they get air sick. Howard told her he'd rent them a car, no problem. Howard said he would love to do a ''Retarded American Idol'' with a bunch of retards singing. Wendy sang ''Stand By Me'' for Howard over the phone. Howard and the guys critiqued her performance as if they were doing the ''American Idol'' thing. Howard said they could get Gary the Retard, Wendy the Retard and someone else. Howard said they'd dress Artie up as Randy Jackson and Robin would be Paula Abdul in the show. Joey Boots called in and said they used to catch retarded people having sex at a place he used to work. Howard asked him if he ever had sex with any retards. He said he didn't but they used to be able to feel the retards getting excited when they'd hug them. He said they couldn't get away from them either because of ''the retard strength.'' Howard took a break so he could get to Jeff Probst after that.
Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to Jeff about his girlfriend Cammie. He then moved on to talk about ''Survivor: Amazon'' for a few minutes. Jeff told Howard about some of the nasty animals and things they have down there. Jeff said they were trying to keep the show fresh when they split the teams into men vs. women. Jeff said there are some nice looking chicks there and they take baths on the first day. Howard said he saw some of that tape uncensored and some of the women are cute. Howard told Jeff that it was great that he did the wrap up for the final show instead of Bryant Gumbel. He said Jeff knows the people so the interviewing was better than Bryant interviewing strangers.
Howard took a couple of phone calls for Jeff. One guy asked Jeff how to get on the show. Jeff ended up talking about how they still get about 50,000 tapes for each new season. He said you can sign up through CBS.com. Howard said he's surprised the grand prize money hasn't gone up from the $1 million.
Howard took a call from a guy who challenged Howard to a beauty contest recently but Howard never called him back to do it. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about that and hung up on the guy because he said he doesn't care if the guy is better looking or not.
Gary came in and said that Jeff gets hurt everywhere he goes for ''Survivor.'' He peed on an electric fence and got shocked, he got stung on the balls by a jellyfish and stung by a scorpion on his ankle. Howard started to wrap up the segment and gave ''Survivor: Amazon'' a plug. Jeff said that he also directed a movie that was just recently sold. Howard ended up asking him about how much his wife must have taken from him when they got divorced. Howard and Jeff talked about the whole marriage thing for a short time. Howard asked him why he has to be married. Jeff said it's because women want to be married. Howard said the only thing that happens is that the woman will get half his stuff. Jeff said he wants to have kids some day so he will get married again. They spent a couple of minutes talking about Jeff's divorce and how tough that was. He said he has to write a check at the beginning of the year because he can't do the monthly thing. He said he's not really mad at his ex-wife, he's mad at the way the whole process works. He has to give up half of his earnings for the next 3 years. Jeff said he's really not complaining because overall, he has a great life. Jeff said he doesn't even talk to his ex-wife anymore.
Gary came in and asked Jeff if they have a policy on the show about people hooking up and having sex. Jeff said they don't have a policy and they encourage them to do it. They just don't do it because of the nature of the game. Jeff said when the show is over there's a sexual explosion. Howard said he'd like to see what goes on when people are kicked off and go back and hook up. Howard said the Survivor people hook up because they think that they're going to hit big eventually. Jeff said there's a magazine out there called ''Stun'' that features some of the Survivor chicks who have had breast implants put in. Jeff and Howard spent a few minutes talking about some of the other ''Survivor'' people and what they're up to. Howard got a hold of that ''Stun'' magazine and checked out the pictures of the chicks. Howard said they went way to big on some of them. Howard took a couple more phone calls and then wrapped up the interview.
Stuttering John came in later and said that he did some interviews with some NAMBLA guys a couple years ago and they could use their answers instead of going on the NAMBLA web site. Howard said he didn't even remember those interviews and said he'd like to hear them again. He suggested using them in the game.
Howard took some phone calls and killed some time talking about various stuff. One woman told Howard he keeps getting better looking as he gets older. Howard spent a few minutes talking about that with the caller.
Howard said Mr. Methane (MrMethane.com) the farting guy sent them a new song for Valentine's Day. He farts to the tune of ''I Just Called To Say I Love You.'' Howard played that and talked about the farting talents that guy has.
Howard took a call from a guy who said the guy who used to be the head of NAMBLA is no longer because he died. The guy said that he has some of the guy's paintings that the guy did. He said he has some of his furniture also. The guy was his landlord and he kept his stuff. The guy said that there were some ''men of indiscriminate age'' hanging around the guy and the cops used to watch him. Howard told the guy that he'd send over a camera crew to tape some of the guy's stuff.
Howard took a call from someone who wondered who Howard thinks will win the ''Joe Millionaire'' thing tonight. Howard said he thinks that Zora will win.
Howard took a couple other phone calls and some people were kind of upset about some of the stuff Howard was talking about on today's show. One guy mentioned the Jeff Probst catheter thing and then the NAMBLA stuff and then the Mr. Methane thing and then back to the NAMBLA thing. He said it's funny but there's a lot of gay stuff there.
Howard took a call from a guy who told him that his brother is over in Afghanistan and he's putting Howard's name on all of the bombs they're dropping. Another caller asked Howard why he always says ''What is this?'' when he starts a commercial. Howard told him Fred has to tell him what he's going to be doing the commercial for, that's why he says it. The guy also wondered what happened to ''Son of the Beach.'' Howard told him how they did three seasons and that was it because FX wanted to do other things on their network. He said he's pretty sure the show is done.
Howard had a Mystery Record to play so he got a caller on the phone to play the game. He said they should give away some of their own stuff as prizes. Gary came up with a prize of a Steven Singer Jeweler's watch for someone to win. He had Eddie on the phone and played some of the song for him. Most of the guys seemed to know who it was but the caller had no clue. He wanted some hints but Howard wasn't giving him any. The caller guessed that it was Lawrence Taylor, he was wrong. Howard and the guys knew who it was but kept it quiet so they could let some other people guess.
Extreme Fan Bobo called in and took a guess. He was wrong. Gary said that Bobo has been calling in saying that people tell him that he looks younger than Howard. Howard said he doesn't care though. Bobo also asked Howard if there was any truth to Robin's theory that Howard will be getting Beth a ring for Valentine's day. Robin said she never said that but she did say that he has set up a whole family life with her so he's ''married'' already. Howard said she has a key to his apartment, she has a drawer to keep her stuff in and they're raising a dog together. Howard just said ''whatever'' and hung up on Bobo a few seconds later.
Another listener called in and took a guess at the Mystery Record. He guessed Dion Sanders and got it right. KC said that it was tough to find a track on the album where Dion doesn't mention his nick name ''Prime Time.'' He had Howard play another track to hear some of the other horrible songs. Howard goofed on the album for a few minutes and wondered what's wrong with that guy.
A listener called in and said he saw Artie out eating one day sitting near the window of this restaurant. He said it was pretty funny. Artie said that was him and he was guilty. The guy said it looked like Artie was in a ''food coma'' as he shoveled in the food. KC said he's seen that look on Artie's face too. It was just before he did a gig at a construction site so that was his excuse for eating like that.
A 19 year old girl called in and said that she's a huge fan of his and she has to ''watch'' his show every morning before she goes to work. Howard told her that when she's over the hill, like 30, she'll be able to tell her grand children that she heard Howard Stern live on the radio. Howard continued to tell her how privileged she is to have been able to hear him on the radio for a minute before getting off the phone.
Another listener called in and asked Howard why he used to sit around counting his peanuts when he was married and now that he's got this young chick, he goes out all the time. Howard said that's not true. He said he still does the same stuff he used to do but he doesn't have a basement to lock himself into anymore.
Howard had a wrong number phone call from an MBNA America credit card company. They were looking for some guy who has an account with them. She wanted to talk to the guy about some LL Bean program they have. Howard played with her for about 30 seconds. He told her he can't eat beans because they give him gas. She tried to explain it to him but he kept up the bean goof. She bailed out on the call, gave him a number to call and hung up. Howard had to take a break after that.
Howard came back from break and heard a Nikki Tyler intro. He ended up talking about porn stars and how they retire or try to become real actresses. Dave said he was just at a porn convention and they're all married. Howard introduced Dave who had been waiting an hour to come in but KC forgot to tell Howard he was there. Howard gave Dave a plug for his show and said they have a DVD out that has the ''best of'' Insomniac on it. He'll be signing copies of that at the Virgin Megastore in Times Square tomorrow night at 6 o'clock. Dave told Howard that they went to cover this porn awards show but they weren't allowed in. He said he thinks that Playboy had exclusive coverage of the awards. Howard said you'd think that the porn awards would let in a ''real'' show like Dave's cover it because they'd get some coverage.
Howard asked Dave if he's got a girlfriend these days. Dave said he doesn't have one now because his show makes it tough. He said he just met porn star Gina Lynn recently though. He said she's in an Eminem video and she's really cute. Dave said she's got this huge entourage around her all the time and there's no chance he'd even get close to her. Dave told Howard and Robin that he's been on the road for 2 years now and he just can't get a girlfriend. Howard spent a couple more minutes with Dave and started to do some news. They talked about the Phil Spector, OJ Simpson and some stuff like that. Then Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com) called in and said that he's surprised Dave didn't hook up with Gina Lynn because he brought her there just for him. Dave said that Chaunce was circling around Gina like a ''mother hen'' the whole night. Chaunce said that Dave left early and Gina wanted to hang out with him. Dave asked him where she was this weekend. She's down in Florida so Dave won't be seeing her. Howard ended up hanging up on Chaunce after talking to him about that.
Howard moved on to talk about the rumor that there's a new show in the works that will give people the chance to win a billion dollars. Howard said he wondered if it was an idea he pitched one time but figured it wasn't the same guy so he figured it wasn't him. Howard had Robin do her news after that.
After the break Howard brought up George Clooney who was on TV last night yelling at someone. He's promoting this movie ''Solaris'' and people are bad mouthing it. Robin said she went to get tickets for it and the person selling tickets told her that everyone was asking for their money back after seeing it. Robin said it was ''horrible'' and ''awful.''
Howard said they tried to get a screening of ''Daredevil'' but they were told they'd have to go to a Press Screening. He said that makes him think that it sucks because they usually want him to see movies before hand. Someone came in and told Howard that a friend of his saw ''Daredevil'' and told him that Ben Affleck was the one thing that made the movie bad. He said everyone else in the movie was good. Howard and the guys talked about some of the other bad movies Affleck has made.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he doesn't get the Jimmy Kimmel show out where he lives for some reason. He said they don't tell them why they don't show it out there. They just show infomercials instead. Howard said the affiliate station out there must have just decided they don't like the show for some reason. Howard told the guy the station probably makes more money with the infomercials than they would with Jimmy's show. Howard said Jimmy hasn't been able to get any good guests yet anyway so he's probably not missing anything.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he heard a report about Howard's rest stop being closed. They ended up arguing about that and then the caller asked Howard if he wanted to hear why his show isn't funny anymore. Howard said he doesn't want to hear that from him because other people might hear his ideas and get the same ideas in their heads. The guy said Howard can't take criticism. Howard told him he's right and hung up on him a short time later. Howard said he doesn't want to have people critiquing him on his own show.
Another caller told Howard that ''Daredevil'' sucked. He said Ben Affleck is the worst. The guy said he got a bootleg copy of the movie out in Long Beach. He said the quality was great. Howard tried to figure out how the guy got it. Howard said he'd probably end up seeing the movie even though he knows it probably isn't good.
Howard and the guys started talking about ''Inside the Actors Studio.'' Gary said they've run out of guests because they had the cast of ''The Simpsons'' on recently. He thought it was pretty lame but Artie seemed to think it was kind of cool. Howard did his impression of the host from that show as if he was interviewing Ben Affleck and the cast of ''The Simpsons.''
Another caller told Howard that they don't get Jimmy Kimmel's show down in Orlando. Howard said he's kind of glad Jimmy's having trouble with his show. The guy also wondered what happened to Howard's Saturday night TV show. Howard said that is out and wondered how many times he can put his E! show on different channels.
Howard had an article about Guns N Roses and how they canceled their shows. Howard said the article was from ''Blender'' magazine. Howard said Axl Rose was upset about a DJ said some stuff about the show not being all that great. According to the article it was Rose tuning into Howard's show and hearing Doug Goodstein from E! badmouthing the show he'd seen the night before that drove him over the edge. That's what they claim caused Axl to cancel the rest of their concerts. Howard said he loved it and thought it was pretty funny. Robin wondered if Doug knows the power he has. Doug called in and said it blew his mind when he heard about that. He said that band was his favorite of all time. He said it can't be because of him. Howard joked that Doug is going to bring down the Rolling Stones next. Howard wondered why Doug wasn't there at work yet. Doug said he only has to be there early sometimes. Doug sounded like he was stunned about the story. He said he couldn't sleep last night because of it. Howard had Doug repeat some of the stuff that he said that day when he bad mouthed the show. Doug said he thought that Axl was running off stage to get oxygen and he was using a teleprompter. Howard spent a couple of minutes on that and then took another break.
Howard said he just realized why Regis still works. He said they just did an hour long show. If he was Regis, he'd be done already. Howard said Regis doesn't do anything provocative at all on that show and he doesn't learn anything about his guests. Howard goofed on that for a short time. Howard said he does 5 hours of show some days. They do too much according to Robin.
Howard took a call from a guy who mentioned something about Madonna speaking out against the possible Iraq war. Howard said there aren't many celebrities out there who are for the war. Howard said Ron Silver is one but other than that, he doesn't know of any.
Howard took a few more phone calls. He had one guy kiss his ass for a few seconds. Another guy called in about Danny Bonaduce challenging him to a fight. Howard said the place to fight him is in the ratings and that will never happen. Howard said it's pathetic for Danny to keep challenging him to a fight. He told Danny to keep practicing Karate and picking up transvestites. Howard also said he should take on someone who has some fighting skills instead of taking on Horshack. Howard suggested Chuck Zito or someone like that. Howard said he's not accepting the challenge from Danny and said that being able to fight will surely make Danny famous. Howard said that Danny was a has-been at the age of 13.
Another phone caller brought up the Hollywood stars not wanting to go to war. Howard pointed out that a lot of celebrities ran from New York after 9/11. They also canceled the Emmy awards so they're all afraid of this stuff. Howard said that these celebrities have big black bodyguards around them and if they were that brave they'd get rid of them. He said they should send some of those bodyguards over to fight for us.
Bobby said he's going to be doing some commercials for Roadrunner internet service. He's been doing some other shows and performed at a VIP thing at the Super Bowl. Howard asked Bobby what he charges to do a show. He said he'd have to do that off the air. He doesn't want to talk about that stuff on the air for some reason. Howard asked him if he's getting laid doing this stuff. Bobby said he's having a lot of fun. Howard said he was told he did get laid. Bobby said he has met some nice women doing this stuff. Howard spent a couple more minutes talking to Bobby before he performed. KC said that Bobby has a TV pilot in the works too. Howard found that hard to believe. Bobby told Howard about that and how that all came about. Howard asked Bobby if he's been hanging out with John Stamos' cousin. He said she's actually out in the green room and they do hang out.
Howard had Bobby perform for them a little bit. He performed ''Hot, Hot, Hot'' to start off. The guys were laughing as he started. He was dancing around and snapping his fingers. Howard said he hates when he snaps his fingers. He cut the song off after just a few seconds. Howard asked him to do the Addams Family theme song. Bobby snapped along to that while Howard sang the theme. Howard said he was done with him after that. Howard read that Bobby is working on a hip-hop cartoon with a guy by the name of Michael Judge, which isn't Mike Judge of Beavis and Butt-Head, it's another Mike Judge. Howard had Bobby do a little more snapping to some Gypsy Kings. That only lasted about 10 seconds.
Howard took some phone calls from people who said they didn't want to hear that crap. Howard said when people see it on E! they get the full treatment. They don't get it when it's just on radio. Howard wrapped it up and gave Bobby a plug for his web site BadFingers.com.
Howard said he wanted to check out John Stamos' cousin. He had the guys bring her in. Howard said she was hot and there must be some good genetics in that family. Howard said she's no quite as pretty as John but she's right up there. She told Howard that her father and John's father are cousins, that's how they're related. Artie said that John could sleep with her and asked her if she'd done that. She said John has been like a brother to her and has been very close to her. Her boyfriend of 3 months apparently gave her a huge promise ring. She said the guy works with John as a security guy. Howard wondered how he could afford a ring like that. She said he did well out in Las Vegas. Gary said it's got to be at least 2 carats. She said it's actually 4. Gary said it must have cost at least $30-40,000. Howard asked Gary what he'd give her on a scale of 10. He gave her an 8 and said he might give her an 8.5 if she showed her boobs. She said they're not real and gave them a peek at them. Howard asked her who gave her those. She said it was Dr. Grant Stevens who did the work. Howard wondered why John was hiding her all this time. Artie asked to see her ass so she stood up and turned around for them. Howard asked her to show them her thong but she said she really can't do that. Howard asked her if she'd put on a bikini. She wouldn't do that either. Gary asked her to pull up the thong so they could see it. She did that so the guys asked her to pull her bra up too. She couldn't do that either. Robin wanted to see the boyfriend but Howard said she had to get out of there because he was getting angry. The boyfriend came in so Howard spent a couple of minutes with him. Howard was curious to know how much the ring cost. The guy said it was about $20,000. Howard thanked the guy for coming in and wrapped up the segment a short time later.
Howard took a phone call from a woman who said she saw Howard and Beth out one night. Howard ended up asking her what she looked like and how big her breasts were. She wasn't into answering those questions though so Howard got off the phone and played the Mr. Methane (MrMethane.com) song he played yesterday. Mr. Methane farts along to ''I Just Called To Say I Love You.'' Howard and Robin both thought he was pretty good.
Howard had the Top 5 songs to play so he had Casey Kstern do the intros. The Top 5 included Christina Aguilera, 50 Cent, B2K and Puff Daddy and Jennifer Lopez. Howard then went right into the game he was talking about where people have to guess whether Michael Jackson or a NAMBLA (North American Man Boy Love Association) guy said something. Howard played some gay sounding songs and the old NAMBLA guy message they've played so many times over the years. Howard said they had a prize to give away with the game too. They were giving away a trip to the Grammy Awards for the winner. Howard got this guy Artie on the phone to play the game. Howard then had KC read the statements. Here are the statements and who said them:
Howard moved on to read some e-mail he's gotten lately. He said someone wrote in about how ''old and sickening'' Howard and Robin are talking about how good looking they think they are. A bunch of other people wrote in similar statements that he read through.
Howard took a call from a woman who wondered what was going on with Artie's zit. It's been on his nose since last summer. Artie said he's still got to go to the doctor about it and he'll probably have to have it removed. He said it changes colors and stuff. Howard said Ralph has one of those and called it a ''mood berry.''
Howard and the guys spent some time talking about a bunch of different things after that. Howard mentioned the ''Dell guy'' who does all of the Dell computer commercials. He was arrested for possession of marijuana in New York City. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about that and how ridiculous it is that people are still being arrested for that.
Howard spent a couple of minutes on Phil Spector and ''Joe Millionaire.'' Howard said he gives ''Joe Millionaire'' a ''thumbs down'' because of the way they lured people into watching last night's episode. They didn't reveal anything like he though they were going to. Howard had to take another break after that.
Howard read a letter that the people from PETA wrote to Yassir Arafat. Howard read through it and they basically asked Arafat to leave animals out of the war he's waging. They mentioned the use of a donkey as the carrier of a bomb and some other stuff like that. Howard said it sounds like they're saying it's okay to kill some Jews, just don't kill any animals.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he just found out he got his girlfriend and her mother pregnant around the same time. He said that the mother had just come over to tell him the news. He knew about the daughter's pregnancy already. The guy told Howard that both of them are getting abortions. The guy said that he'd just met the daughter back in November and went on a trip with both of them. That's when he banged both of them and got them pregnant. Howard asked the guy to bring both of them on the show with him to break the news. The mother knows he's banging the daughter but she doesn't know that the daughter is pregnant. Howard asked the guy what the mother wears when he sees her. He said whenever he goes over to her house she's in a bathing suit. They have an indoor pool so she can do that. Howard told the guy that if the mother decides to have the baby then it would be the daughter's aunt or uncle. Artie said he thinks that both of them should have their babies. Howard spent a few minutes with the guy finding out a lot of details about them. The guy said that he's a good looking guy. He said he could tell Howard more about it but he didn't want to break his cover. He told Howard that he's going to break up with both of them eventually but he wants to wait until after they've gotten their abortions. Howard asked him to send over some pictures so he can see what they look like. Artie heard the guy say that he's well known in his area so he wondered why that was. The guy said he's just one of those guys. Howard said he knew people like that when he was growing up. They're just well known in their neighborhoods for various reasons.
The caller told Howard how the mother seduced him after her daughter passed out after drinking. He said he banged her good that night. He said he only did it once but it lasted a long time. Howard said he knows an ugly dude who was able to do something like this. He said you just have to keep trying. The caller said the mother is always dressed in something seductive when he goes over to get the daughter. He also said that he's gotten other mothers in his life. He told Howard that he'd send over some pictures of them for Howard to check out. He also told Howard that one time the mother was hopped up on Valium and ended up putting more on her breasts and licked it off. Howard and the guy spent a couple more minutes talking about that guy after he got off the phone.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said he knows the twist in the ''Joe Millionaire'' show. He said that if Zora gets picked he'll find out that she's actually the millionaire. Howard said that was a pretty lame twist though.
A Rodney Dangerfield impersonator called in to comment on the Michael Jackson thing. Howard told the guy that he sounded more like Rodney Dice Clay. Howard said it was a pretty bad impression.
Chaunce Hayden (ChuaunceHayden.com)called in and mentioned the Phil Spector discussion they were having earlier. He said he read an article that AJ Benza wrote about how he picked up that chick that was killed at Phil Spector's house. Howard said he read the article and it was kind of weird because it was all about how AJ picked up the chick and took her back to his apartment. Chaunce claims that his big story is that Marilyn Monroe used to live in his apartment so he tells these chicks that. Chaunce said that he told that woman that story and she went back there. She laid on his bed and said ''Wow! I'm looking at the same ceiling that Marilyn Monroe looked at.'' Howard said he got nothing from that article but he loves AJ. Chaunce said he's great. Howard wondered if he's allowed to call in since being banned from the station. Howard said he didn't ban him, Tom did after punching Stuttering John. Howard said it was the right thing to do. Chaunce suggested having AJ come in when Stuttering John is doing the ''I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!'' TV show. Gary said he heard that AJ is mad at them for some stuff they said about him after he left. Howard said he doesn't have a problem with him though. Howard took another break after that discussion.
Howard and Todd spent a short time talking about that guy who banged the mother and daughter. Howard moved on to talk about Todd having conversations with Artie's sister on the web. ARtie said that his sister told him about it. He said that he and Todd have known each other for a while and every time he sees her he tries to pick her up. Todd said that Artie's sister is really cute. He said ''If Artie was a woman, and didn't look like Artie, that's what his sister looks like.'' Howard also heard that she changed her e-mail address after that. She was leaving the company she worked for so she had to change it. Artie told Todd that his sister goes out with tall, good looking guys. Gary said that Artie is very protective of his sister. When they were down in Atlantic City he was pacing around while she was talking to a guy. Gary said he made a joke about how his sister had gone up to her room with the guy and his head almost fell off.
Todd stuck around while Robin did her news after that.
Howard said that Gary got the advance copy of Thursday's ''Survivor'' and he thinks it's the best season yet. Howard said a TV reviewer thinks the same thing. Gary came in and talked about the show for a short time. Howard said Gary told him that you hear the guys talking about which girls they'd like to bang and stuff like that. Artie said if that show was real life, and 5 guys and 5 chicks were stuck on an island, the chicks would wait for the guys to do everything. Since ''Survivor'' is a game, the women actually work according to Artie. Howard said he's found that women are easier to work with than men. He used Betty Thomas as an example. He said for years she thought she wasn't good enough to be a director so she learned her craft. Guys, on the other hand, just think that they're better than the Steven Spielbergs in the business and go out to make movies.
Howard said he lost his temper yesterday about something that he doesn't want to talk about, and smashed up his apartment. He said he took out a hunk of his wall when he threw something. He said it was a hard cover videotape box that he threw. He and Gary talked about how pissed off they can get. Gary told Howard about a guy he knew who punched a wall in a bathroom and broke all of his fingers in the process. Howard said Beth saw him do this and walked out of the room when it happened.
Howard said that 50 Cent, AJ Benza and Frederique will be on the show today. He said they'll also be playing ''Who Wants to be a Vaginal Millionaire'' later on. Howard took a break after that.
After the break Howard mentioned the stuff that they'd be doing on today's show again. He also talked about the news about Osama bin Laden still being alive and how he's been telling Iraqis to suicide bomb the U.S. Soldiers that come into their country. Howard suggested that they all kill themselves now. Howard said the objective is to live and defeat your enemy, not to die in the process. Howard thought that was a very bizarre statement to make.
Howard said it's fashion week in New York and he wished he'd taken off this week because you can see these hot chicks in restaurants around the city. He spent a short time on that and then moved on to talking about ''American Idol.'' He said Paula Abdul is getting better and better looking each week. He said she's like a dying flower that finally got some attention and reblossomed. He said it doesn't matter that she looks better because she's still a horrible judge on that show. She won't say anything negative when she judges those contestants. Howard joked that if he banged Paula, she wouldn't complain about his tiny penis and the fact that he can only last 30 seconds. Howard talked about some of the contestants on ''American Idol.'' He said the big, fat black guy can sing pretty well. He said he thinks that guy could win because black people are more accepting of overweight people. He said he thinks everyone has gotten used to fat, black performers and could make him a winner.
Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about how he has to watch ''Buffy the Vampire Slayer'' by himself every week. He said every Friday he goes home, gets into bed and watches Buffy. He said Beth laughs at him when he does that. Robin said she can't not watch it when it's on either.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who wondered why Fred is always kept quiet on the show. Howard said that he lets Fred talk but he just waits until the right time to say something. He said a little bit of Fred goes a long way too. Fred started making some noise and talked a little bit after that. Howard told the guy that Fred does a lot of other stuff too. He plays the sound effects and writes bits and songs. Howard played an example of a song Fred did for the ''Who Wants to be a Vaginal Millionaire'' game. Howard said that Fred will be playing ''Win Fred's Money'' later this week and if he wins, the contestant's cousin will get naked for them.
Howard said they'll have ''Joe Millionaire'' Evan Marriott on the show. He and Robin spent a couple of minutes talking about that show.
A guy called in and made a joke that didn't quite make it on the air. After that Howard was talking about Valentine's Day gifts for about 10 seconds. Then AJ Benza called in.
Howard made sure to let people know that what AJ was saying about Ronnie Spector and what might have happened at Phil's place were just his conjecture. Howard asked AJ where he was when he heard about Lana's death. He told Howard he was out at a restaurant when he found out. Howard spent a couple more minutes with AJ before wrapping up the call. AJ told Howard he doesn't like Tom Chiusano at all. Howard said they have the same enemies and he doesn't like Tom either. Howard also asked AJ when he's going to find a good woman and settle down. AJ told Howard to stop that. He said he'd like to find a good woman but it sounds like he's having too much fun. AJ told Howard about seeing a bunch of hot chicks out to eat last night and he would have banged all of them. Howard also took some phone calls for AJ before ending the call. AJ said some things about how he'd get pissed if he got sandbagged again. Howard then decided not to take any phone calls. That's what pissed AJ of the day he ended up slapping Stuttering John. Howard asked AJ a few more questions about banging Lana. AJ said he didn't get anal from her but he did get some great oral and said he tied her up too. Howard thanked AJ for calling in and Robin said she really misses him.
After the call Howard said no one knows what happened between Phil Spector and Lana Clarkson. He said a few words about that and took another break.
50 Cent was shot 9 times so Howard spent some time talking to him about that. He said it happened one time but it was 9 shots. He showed Howard the scar on his face. The guy who shot him was out to kill him but just didn't finish the job. Robin asked him what happened and how he missed. He said a guy ran up to his car from another car and shot it. 50 Cent said that the guy who shot him died when someone did the same thing to him. When Howard asked him if he shot the guy, 50 Cent just laughed and said he's a rap star, he wouldn't do that.
Robin said she was walking down the hall earlier and 50 Cent's bodyguards were glaring at her out in the hall. She said hello to them but they didn't say a word. 50 Cent said they don't pay attention to who's who. Stuttering John said the same thing happened to him. He said hello to them also and they just stared at him. Howard asked 50 Cent if that's the image he has to have being a rap star. 50 Cent said he'd have the guys move if Robin is afraid to walk past them. Robin said she just doesn't want the guys staring at her like that.
Howard and 50 Cent spent a little while talking about his love life and how great his career is going right now. He said he got a chick recently that looked like Apalonia. He said he's getting treated really well by hot women since he's so hot right now. Howard said some of his interns are really excited about him being there. One of the interns came in and said she was a fan of his. Howard asked her if she'd want to sleep with him. She said she didn't know about that but she might want to go to lunch with him or something. Howard got back to the story he was telling about the Apalonia looking chick. 50 Cent said that he doesn't even remember her name and he only banged her once.
Gary came in and asked him about a $65,000 signing bonus he got when he signed with Columbia. He had to give $60,000 of it to other people and he said he used the other $5000 to buy crack.
Howard played tape of an interview he did with Ja Rule. There were some things written about 50 Cent and a friend of his who robbed Ja Rule that Howard talked to him about. 50 Cent told Howard he didn't have anything to do with that and explained what happened. 50 Cent explained to Howard what happened there and how he was chased with a miniature baseball bat. He's been stabbed a couple of times too so Howard and Robin talked to him about that. 50 Cent told Howard that trouble finds him and follows him around.
Howard took some phone calls for 50 Cent and let some people talk to him. After that Howard plugged his album and played a little more of his song ''In Da Club.'' Howard said 50 Cent is now out on tour so they talked about that for a minute. Howard took a call from a woman who wondered what level of education this guy had. He said he got his GED while he was in jail. She said that they didn't teach him the difference between singular and plural. He told her to just get off the phone. Howard spent a couple more minutes talking to him about what life was like in prison. They also talked about his family and how he was raised by his grand parents. He said his mother was killed when he was 8 years old and he never knew his father. Howard asked 50 Cent what crack is like but 50 Cent said that he didn't do it, he just sold it. Howard ended the interview a couple minutes later.
After the break Howard said that they're going to have James Brown's daughter Peaches on tomorrow. Robin wondered if she's one of the kids that's suing James. Gary told Howard that she's one that he refuses to recognize and she's writing a book about it and has a web site set up for it.
Howard played a new Raymond Norman message. This is the guy who sent Howard messages about Oprah Winfrey being the ''Negro woman from the South'' a while back. Today he was backing up the President and all of his people in his ''Lets Keep It Real'' segment. Howard said he loves this guy. Raymond also goes off on Martin Bashir who did the interview with Michael Jackson recently. He bad mouthed Bashir and called him as ''The English nig*er.'' He played a segment from the Jackson interview in his recording. You could barely hear it because of the poor recording quality. Howard wondered who his ''audience'' was. The guys figured it's just them.
Howard said Frederique seems pretty smart sitting there and he doesn't understand why Kathy Griffin was bad mouthing her. He played a clip of Kathy badmouthing Frederique on the show recently so she could hear it. She said she doesn't know why Kathy is always talking about her like that. Kathy went off on her saying that she's really not as smart as she thinks she is. Howard asked Frederique if she got along with Kathy on the set of ''Celebrity Mole.'' She said Kathy was funny sometimes but the one liners did get old after a while. Frederique said that Kathy asked to lay on her lap at one point when she was feeling sick. Howard thought that was kind of odd and wondered if maybe Kathy had a thing for her. Frederique said she wasn't thinking that at all. She said it was kind of sad actually. She said some of the stuff Kathy was putting the people down for wasn't very nice. She also talked about the Stephen Baldwin problem Kathy had. She said that Kathy didn't like Stephen getting physical with her.
Howard asked Frederique if she got into a bathing suit on that show. She said there was a moment when she was in a bathing suit. Howard said he'd have her in a bathing suit all the time on a show like that. Howard asked Frederique's breasts were real or not. She said they are and he sounded impressed by that.
Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com) called in and asked Frederique who had a bigger wang. Donald Trump or Mark Messier. She said Mark does and said she doesn't know about Donald Trump because she didn't date him. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to her about Mark and what happened there. Chaunce also asked Fred if he thinks Frederique is a ''super model.'' Fred didn't hesitate and said she'd definitely a super model. She meets his criteria. Fred always says that Carol Alt isn't one even though she calls herself one. He went off on her again and said she ''hit the wall at 25.''
Howard told Frederique that he didn't find her to be an idiot like Kathy does. He asked her if she's banged any other famous people. The guys went through a bunch of names but she didn't really get anyone famous other than Mark Messier. The guys asked her if she gets hit on by other models. She said one came on to her recently when she asked her where she got her tan. When Frederique told her where she was, the model said she wished she'd been there with her. Howard wondered if Frederique had ever kissed another woman. She said ''of course'' as it was no big deal. She told Howard that she has kissed a woman passionately too. Howard asked her what the other woman was wearing and stuff like that. He wondered why they didn't go all the way. Frederique said it's just not her thing.
Chuance was still on the phone and asked her about a rumor about her having said something about Naomi Campbell being over paid. Frederique said she never said that though. Howard started to wrap things up but Jeff the Drunk was on the phone. He loves her and wondered if she'd be into Bukkake. She had no idea what it was though. Howard spent a couple more minutes with her asking her about what she's going to do for Valentine's day. She told Howard that she might get dressed up for her man. Howard told Frederique that he's got a whole thing set up where he's going to role play with Beth and eventually bang her. Frederique said that she and her guy have taped themselves having sex. She said they didn't have a plot like Howard does. Frederique said she erased the tape after they did it. She said she found it hard to watch. Howard wrapped up the interview a short time after that.
Howard told Bob that he was going to be playing this game for the chance to go on a date with Savanna the porn star. Howard has had her on the show many times in the past. He had her come in so Bob could meet her. Howard spent a few minutes talking to Savanna and then introduced the next contestant.
Next up was Mike. Howard read some of the notes on him. Mike claims that his mother was 280 pounds and would go to the bathroom in front of him. She'd also make him stand naked in the road because he played ''Doctor'' with his friends. He said he played with himself out in front of the house when she did that. He also claims that he and a friend burned down a house one time. He was molested by family members and didn't speak to his father for 10 years because he was paying off gambling debts. Mike is married but his wife agreed to let him play this game anyway. Howard said Mike would be playing for Sunrise Adams. He spoke to Sunrise for a few minutes after introducing her. Sunrise told Howard that she and Savanna once got it on when they were on stage at a strip club. It was for movies that they were doing though. Howard said his family has disowned her since she started doing these movies. He spoke to her about that for a short time and said that Sunrise's family supports her career. Gary said that Sunrise's aunt is Sunset Thomas so she's got a porn star legacy. Gary told Howard that Sunrise has done some wacky stuff in her life too. She once killed a raccoon with a gun that had jammed up. She also used to kill pigeons and would cook them up and eat them. She also claims that she started pleasuring herself when she was 3 years old. She thanked her aunt for getting her into that. Sunrise said she lost her virginity at the age of 14. She said she grew up pretty fast where she lived.
After talking to Sunrise Howard introduced the next contestant, Dal (Dell) who is also married. His wife said there was nothing she could do to stop him and let him play this game. He said his wife is great. He told a story about his brother getting killed when he was in the National Guard. Someone pulled up next to him when he was in his car and shot him. The guys were caught but were released without getting any jail time. Dal said there was no explanation for them getting off. Dal also claims he was molested at a young age and was forced to have sex with some female cousins. He said he was forced by one of his male cousins to give him oral. Howard asked Dal if he's a black guy. Dal said that's what he's told. Dal was playing for a date with Chloe Jones. Howard and Gary spent a short time talking to her about her life and what she's been through. She didn't have any parents growing up but she thought it was great. She didn't start having sex until she was 17 or 18. She claims that her family got her into porn. She said her sister got her into modeling and that eventually led to her stripping at strip clubs. She's been married a couple of times also. She divorced one guy after 6 months because he was no good in bed. The second husband was lying about his age and his name. She said he was very wealthy and gave her a few exotic cars. She says that she also had an affair with Anna Nicole Smith back in 1994. She said they were doing a calendar there and there were lots of drugs involved at the time. She said they were in an adult book store one time and a guy stuck his penis through a glory hole so they burned it with a cigarette lighter. Chloe said that Anna was very thin back then. Howard had her get into a few details about their affair. She said they used to have sex in public places. She said she hasn't spoken to her since 1996.
Howard gave the girls a plug for a party they're going to be at tonight at a club called Discotheque. For more information check VIPGuestList.com. Howard also gave plugs for the other web sites that the girls were plugging today. Those included Vivid.com, SavannaSamson.com and ChloeJones.com.
Howard got to the game and explained the rules to everyone. He was going to ask the girls questions. The guys had to guess whether or not their girl would get the answer correct or not. Howard told the girls not to blurt the answer out and to keep a straight face when the question was asked. Here are all of the girls' questions and their answers:
Bob asked if he could get a plug for a comedy gig he's doing down at The Improv in Baltimore. Howard couldn't believe he was a comedian. He asked if people actually sit through that.
Dal told Howard he has a girl who is willing to get naked for Howard if he plays one of the tracks from his band's CD. Howard gave the girls a few more plugs before that girl came in. KC brought the girl in a minute later. Her name was Jessica and she's a friend of Dal's. Howard said he'd play the song after she got naked. She looked nervous to some of the people in the studio. Howard had Jessica get naked and said she looked like she was in shock. Artie was wondering why the porn stars weren't naked. He said they looked like they were ready to go on vacation in Vermont or something. Howard said Jessica had a nice body, nice boobs and she was shaved down. The porn stars liked her too. Jessica said she wouldn't do anything with the girls though. Howard checked Jessica out for a minute and then played Dal's song. The name of the band is Coal. After the song the guys gave Dal their reviews. Robin said ''It's not horrible, but it's not great.'' Gary said it sounded dated. He said it sounded like something from 1977. Howard seemed to agree with that and pointed out that the mix was off. He said it didn't sound ''commercial'' to him. Gary said he expected it to be worse so he was surprised when it wasn't that bad. Robin said ''It's not today.'' The guys all gave him some suggestions and said it's not good enough for a record label. Robin said he could work weddings. Gary said he could be in a tribute band. Dal got in a plug for his band's web site CoalMusic.net and Howard wrapped up the segment after that.
Later in the show during Robin's news Howard said that he heard that Bob backed out of his date with Savanna. He didn't want to go on the date because he wasn't guaranteed sex. Howard said that you never turn down a date with a hot chick. He said sometimes you can wear them down or get them drunk enough that they'll bang you.
Howard said his father once checked him for a hernia. He said his mother told his father to do it. He told that story and said it was the most humiliating thing that ever happened to him. Howard said he doesn't even remember if his father touched him. He pulled up his pants and told his father he didn't know what he was doing. KC came in and said that Howard was molested. Howard said he wasn't molested though. Howard ended up talking about how his mother used to take his temperature analy. He said she refused to use an oral thermometer on him because they weren't accurate and they were a degree off. Howard and the guys talked about some of the other strange things that have happened to them. Howard hasn't had anything like that done to him since then.
KC told Howard this story about when he was in college. He said some guy was getting his nads checked and when the doctor told him to turn his head, he turned his penis head. The way KC described it was visual so Howard had to explain it to Robin and the audience. Robin thought that the doctor had turned the head. Howard said it wasn't even worth explaining to Robin though. Stuttering John added that it wasn't that funny either.
Stuttering John told Howard that he asked for his doctors card after she did the check. He said she's going to be his doctor now. He said he has to go in for a colonoscopy which is the worst. Artie said he had an upper G.I. and they gave him some demerol so it was terrific. Howard hasn't had his colonoscopy yet and people are telling him to go. Howard told Robin that you have to take this stuff that clears out your colon before the test. He said he has to take a day off to do it. John told Howard that it's pretty bad and you feel ''used'' after it. Artie said he was supposed to fast for a day before he had that upper G.I. but he always ate something before going. He had to go back three times before they would finally do it.
Howard said he got a call from Dominic Barbara who also has to go to get a colonoscopy so he asked Howard if he wanted to go with him. Howard said that was really creepy.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he had an operation for a hernia one time and he ended up hooking up with two of the nurses that were working on him. He said they kept coming in to check his stitches and stuff. One of the nurses offered to take the stitches out with her teeth. He said he got aroused when he heard that. Howard figures the guy has a big package and the nurses liked what they saw. The guy went on to tell Howard more about the nurse who offered to take the stitches out with her teeth. Howard got off the phone when he saw that he had a caller that said he should film his colonoscopy for E!. Artie thought it would be pretty funny if they caught a glimpse of Dominic's ass. Howard and the guys ended up goofing on the size of Dominic's ass for a short time. After that he had Robin do her news segment.
Howard said that in those tapes he his from his father's recording studio, he can tell that he's been miserable since he was 3 years old. He went through some of the tapes again to see if they missed anything funny. He played a clip where the family is singing and Howard's whining voice comes out and says that he wants to sing something other than what he's singing. When he does start singing ''Jelly Beaner'' his mother tries to help him out but he tells her to stop. Howard said he doesn't even remember what ''Jelly Beaner'' was. He had another clip to play where his father tells them not to yell into the microphone. He played that for a few seconds and said he really is always miserable. Howard said he talks to his psychiatrist about it and he doesn't seem to be capable of change. Robin said there are people in this world who are always smiling. Then there are people who are ''medium'' and then there's people like Howard who hate everything. Artie said he hates the people who smile all the time more than the people who don't.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he forgot how annoying AJ Benza was until yesterday when he was on. Howard said he got a lot of mail about AJ's appearance and a lot of people weren't happy he was on. He said he doesn't understand why people don't like him because he's fascinating. He said he couldn't stop listening to him when he was on yesterday. Howard went through some of the e-mail he got. He said about 92 percent of the mail he got about AJ was negative. The caller told Howard that there are names for all of these dirty sex things like Dirty Sanchez and Cleveland Steamer. He said that he has a name for the thing that Gary likes to do, eating ass. He said he'd like to name that one ''AJ After Hours.''
Howard went on to read some of the other e-mail about AJ and then moved on to talk about this rapper 50 Cent that was on the show yesterday. Howard said 50 percent of the e-mail was positive and 50 percent was negative about him. Howard read through some of those. He also got some e-mail about Frederique that he went through. The audience was split there too. Artie got a lot of e-mail too. Howard read a couple of those and some of them were kind of funny. One guy complained about Artie being fat. Another one complained about the clothes he was wearing on the E! show the other night. He also pointed out Artie's bald spot that distracted him from watching the rest of the show.
A listener wondered what Daniel Carver's thoughts were on the Michael Jackson interview that was on recently. Gary said Daniel hardly ever changes his message these days so there's nothing to play about that.
One of the guys said that Frederique turned out to be ''the mole'' on ''Celebrity Mole'' last night. Stuttering John saw the show and said they showed some of the stuff Frederique did on the show as the mole and it was pretty amusing.
A guy called in and said that he liked the E! show last night where Howard pulled a fast one on the judges on ''American Idol.'' Howard spent a minute talking about that and then brought up how one of the contestants was kicked off ''American Idol'' because she had posed for an adult web site years ago. Howard said that wasn't fair to her because there was a white girl on last season's show who worked at a strip club. Howard said he just doesn't get that. Robin ended up talking about how horrible Paula Abdul is as a judge. She said she always tells people they were good so when someone really is great, her opinion doesn't mean anything.
Howard said before he got into this business he was offered a job in the porn industry but his parents told him not to because it might come out later in his life. Robin said that it really wouldn't have mattered because he didn't go on to be President or anything like that. Howard said that's what he thought his parents wanted him to be.
Howard had to take another break after taking another phone call. He ended up hanging up on someone accidentally. One guy said the tape of Joey Fattone singing along to a song through a wireless microphone was great. Howard replayed that before going to break. He also played the Enrique Iglesias tape he has played in the past. He then went into the tapes of his family singing at his father's studio and took a break a short time later.
After the break Howard was singing along to some James Brown music. He mentioned that the ''Joe Millionaire'' guy would be in today and Robin said she'd be watching him closely. She and Robin Radzinski will both be watching him. Howard said his girlfriend almost came in today but she had to work. Howard said women say that ''Joe Millionaire'' isn't so smart. He said he wants to have a spelling contest between KC and Evan when he comes in. He told Gary to put that together.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he doesn't like the tapes of Howard's family singing and his father talking ''proper modulation'' and stuff like that. Howard said some people can't get enough of that stuff.
Robin said she went to see ''About Schmidt'' the other day and she doesn't know why. She said it was horrible and Cathy Bates gets naked again. Howard had a caller on the line and he said he went to see ''Old School'' and Artie was in it. The guy didn't know why Artie would leave the show to do that awful movie. Artie said he thought the movie was pretty funny. He said he worked six days and got paid about $20,000. He said he shot a big scene that didn't make it to the movie but he's still in it a little bit. Another caller said that he would love to hear Jackie on the show again. Howard said he doesn't think that will happen and he doesn't really want it to happen for reasons he won't go into yet. The caller also asked about Billy West and what happened with him. Howard said nothing bad happened between them and Billy has gone on to do cartoon voices and it seems to be working out well for him. Howard and Robin talked about Jackie for a short time. Howard said he'd love to find out what's gone on since he left the show but he said he's kind of tired of the ''poor Jackie'' thing and him always complaining about not having any money when he has five houses. He took another break shortly after that.
Howard took some phone calls for Peaches. One guy said that she really doesn't have a right to ask for anything from James Brown, even if she is his daughter. She went off on that for a few seconds until Howard took another call. Each caller would tell Howard to get the woman off the air. The didn't want to hear her anymore.
Howard said that Peaches has a book coming out next year and it's title was very long. It starts out like this ''Sorry Daddy, I Tried to Keep it to Myself...'' It's longer than that though. Howard spent a couple more minutes with Peaches and then wrapped up the call and took a break.
Robin said she saw a great show on TLC recently. They showed people getting exorcisms. She told Howard what happened on that show and how funny it was to watch.
Howard brought up the problems that are going on over in North and South Korea. He said now South Korea hates us and they think that we shouldn't be in their country. Howard said that's good, we should get out and let them deal with North Korea. Howard talked about how everyone is buying up duct tape and stuff because of the chance of terrorist attacks. Howard said Gary's wife wanted him to get stuff like that but he figures there's plenty of cracks and other openings in his house that will let biological weapons leak in. Robin said there's a guy somewhere that's wrapping up his whole house in plastic wrap. Howard said that Eddie Griffin does some funny jokes about 9/11 and how attention was taken off him for a month after the attacks. Gary said that when you fly now you get paranoid about anyone who looks suspicious. Stuttering John said he went up and blocked the cabin door on a flight when he saw a Muslim guy go to the bathroom. He said he waited until he went back and sat down. Howard and the guys talked about the Iraq situation and how some celebrities are speaking out against the possible war. Robin said she went to a parking garage and now they're checking for bombs under the cars. She said they don't know what they're looking for.
Howard asked Evan if he's really a model. He said he worked for a modeling agency for a little while but he doesn't do it anymore because it wasn't fulfilling to him. Howard said male models get treated like crap anyway. He and Evan spent a couple of minutes talking about that.
Howard asked Evan if he really can't get hot poon tang off the air. Howard said the chicks on the show really aren't that hot. Evan said that Howard is used to seeing people like Jenna Jameson on his show. Evan said he likes the women who are on his show. Howard said he heard that the host of the show came on to him. Evan said they were in Paris and he mentioned something about liking fishnets and the host was kind of coming on to him when she brought out a few pair of fishnets to try on for him.
Robin asked Evan where he worked when he was in construction. He said he's worked in a lot of places but Orange county was the place he was at last.
Howard asked Even if he really does like the chicks that are on the show. He said that they're all cute in their own ways. He said that he hasn't fallen in love because you don't fall in love in 5 weeks. They also asked him about whether or not he got any sex on the show. There were a couple of occasions where he may have gotten something. Stuttering John came in and said that there were some closed door sessions where he must have gotten laid. Evan said that they did a lot of editing on the show to make it look like something was going on when it wasn't. John asked him if he got oral in the bushes on the one episode. He said he didn't and he'd tell them if he did. Howard said he doesn't care either way. Evan said he wouldn't want his family to be embarrassed by that but he also said he would tell Howard if something did happen.
Robin asked him if he really was shy and had trouble getting chicks. He said that must have come from friends or something because he doesn't have trouble.
Evan told Howard that he met Angie Everhart a few years ago and got her number. He said he spoke to her for about 15 minutes and told her he worked at a hotel. She never called him back after that.
Evan said that he was at Madison Square Garden for a game and they put him on camera. The whole place booed him. He said people were probably pissed that they didn't show a winner on the show this week. He said FOX told people he was going to pick someone and fooled them when he didn't.
Howard asked Evan if he thinks he's smart. He asked him if he knew what 12x13 was. He said the answer was 25. Howard said he was worse than him at math. Howard told him it doesn't matter if he's smart or not. He looks good and that's all that counts.
Evan told Howard how he was picked to do the show and how he's still doing construction. Howard asked him how he's going to live a peaceful life. Howard told him he needs to marry a rich chick. Gary told Howard that he's all over TV because of this show. He said he's co-hosting shows on a bunch of channels and stuff.
Crazy Cabbie called in and said that he still thinks this guy has money somewhere. He said he thinks that he must own a construction company or something like that. He said he's kind of upset that people have been saying that because it's not true. Evan ended up cursing a couple of times so Howard had to hit the delay. Cabbie seemed to think that Evan's father was the owner of a hotel chain (Marriott) or something like that. Evan said his father is the president of a trust firm but it's not a big company.
Howard asked Evan if he's ever been offered money to have sex. He said he had a woman pay for dinner one time and got sex that night but that's as close as he's gotten to getting paid for sex.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and yelled about how dopey Evan is. Howard didn't know what she was saying by the end of her call so he hung up on her. Ralph called in and said that the twist on that show will be that Evan is actually a robot.
Scott DePace came in and said he doesn't believe Evan is a construction worker. He came in and asked him what an I beam was. He knew what it was but that was the only question Scott had for him. Artie asked him if he knew what a hammer was. Evan came back with ''what's a cork?''
Evan said that FOX has put him up in a hotel during this show and he thinks that they'll drop him once the show is over. He apparently didn't even make any money doing the show. Howard asked Evan if he has a big penis. Evan said he's never measured it but he can't tell Howard he's got a small one either. Robin said she'd be willing to measure it for him.
Ralph called back and tried to figure out what the twist was going to be on the show. Evan wouldn't give anything up though.
Cabbie also called back and said that there's no way a construction worker only gets $19,000 a year. Evan explained how that works and how he had only worked half a year and only part time the year they got that $19,000 figure from.
Gary came in and asked Howard if he was going to do the spelling bee with KC and Evan. Howard got the paperwork and quickly ran through that. Here's what they spelled:
Gary came in and told Howard that Evan ''Joe Millionaire'' Marriott caused quite a stir out in the hall when he left. Gary said there were 8 or 9 women and one guy who applauded Evan when he left. Gary said they've had Arnold Schwarzenegger and George Clooney on the show and even they don't get that kind of reaction from the people who work there. Gary said some of the women were really hot chicks from the sales department.
Howard said that Evan opened up to him during the break about what he really thought about the chicks on the show. Howard didn't say what Evan actually told him though. Howard said he thinks that those women aren't his caliber though.
Howard took a call from one of the ''American Idol'' rejects. This was Nate, the guy who sang ''My Girl.'' Once Howard figured out who he was he played the audio clip that Kidd Chris put together with that out take. Howard listened to that and then told Nate that he was horrible but he'd love to put out an album of his stuff. Nate said he really doesn't want to put out an album, he just wanted to be on that show. Howard asked him what he wanted to talk about but he really had nothing to say. Nate told Howard that his friends told him that he'd been talking about him so he called in. Howard bailed out on the call shortly after that since he didn't have much to say.
Artie and Stuttering John had been arguing during the break so Howard had them talk about what that was all about. Gary said that Bally's is going to be holding another contest soon and they want to do a Stern Show Olympics or something like that. Artie and John think that they can beat each other in some sporting events so Artie challenged John to a competition in 3 sports. He wanted to do Football, Baseball and Basketball. Stuttering John didn't want to do those three but is willing to compete against him. He thinks he could beat Artie at Football but Artie doesn't think that could happen. They argued about it a little more while Howard was discussing it with them. They're both putting up $5000 of their own money in this competition. Howard tried to get them to agree to play Tennis, Baseball and Basketball. He figured that Football isn't really fair because KC would be the designated quarterback and he could blow it for one of them. They needed sports that they could compete one on one in. John said Artie thinks that he can beat him in any sport. He kept trying to get him to play football but Howard had to keep telling him that it wouldn't be fair. John also suggested doing some kind of track and field sport. Howard eventually got fed up with the whole argument and told them to stop talking about it. They kept bringing up stuff so he kept asking them to stop talking about it. Howard also mentioned that Artie will be taking on his dog in a running competition sometime in the future. It's too cold outside for them to do it at this time. Plus, the dog is getting spayed today so she won't be able to run for a while.
Howard took some phone calls before taking another break. A guy called in and said that he was flipping through the channels and Imus was on. He said his eyebrows are longer than Howard's hair. Howard said they're working on a bit about Imus that they'll be playing soon.
Howard said Bill Clinton finally mentioned his name during an interview he did with Katie Couric recently. Howard played the clip and said he wasn't even sure what he was talking about when he mentioned his name. Howard spent a short time doing his Clinton impression and said that Bill wasn't looking all that great. He said his eyes were all puffy. He said Katie didn't look so good herself. That led to Howard talking about some other celebrities that don't look so great. He said he saw Demi Moore and said she looked really odd.
Howard said he watched this week's episode of ''The Osbournes'' and it's still a good show. Robin said the first couple weren't that great but that one was good. Howard said Sharon Osbourne looks great. He said she looks like a model now. He said she used to be fat and not that attractive but she's come around.
Howard took a call from a guy who wanted to give Howard a review of the ''Daredevil'' movie. He said he saw a preview of it and it was really good. Howard said he heard from Marshall Fine and he's saying it's better than even ''X-Men'' and as good as ''Spider-Man.'' The guy told Howard a little bit about the movie and said Artie could have played one of the characters. The guy also asked Howard about the possibility of them making a ''Fantastic Four'' movie. The guy asked Howard who he thinks would play the part of Elastic Man. Howard said he could play that part no problem. He also gave some suggestions for some of the other characters. Howard said he'd have Gary the Retard as Mr. Fantastic, Beetlejuice as Thing, High Pitch Erik as the Human Torch and Tom Chiusano as Dr. Doom.
Howard took a couple of other phone calls after that. One guy said that he spoke to Bill Clinton and he said he was a big fan of Howard's. Howard told the guy about Clinton blowing him off at an event he was at so he's not a big fan. Howard pointed out that Clinton shoved a cigar in an intern. He said he's never done that to any interns.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she would like to be part of that lesbian date that Howard is setting up with Tabitha Stevens. Howard asked her what she weighs and she told him she's a little over weight. She said she's only 5'2'' tall and weighs about 140 pounds. Howard said her ass must look like two basketballs wrapped in stretch pants. The woman said that she thinks she's good looking. Howard wondered if she has hair in inappropriate places. She said she's really not that hairy even though she's part Puerto Rican and part Italian. Howard put her on hold so they could set her up for the game.
After taking a break Howard said he had a picture of a porn star who wants to bang one of Howard's listeners. Howard said she's really hot. Artie asked if he's considered a listener because he listens to the show. Howard told the guys to book her for the show. Robin asked what Howard would give her on a scale of 1 to 10. Howard said she has some flaws but she could thin herself out. Howard said he'd give her a very strong 7. Gary gave her an 8. Artie said her breasts are a little bit far apart but if you look at just 1, it's okay. He said he'd give her a 10.
Shuli called in and said he had some questions for Howard. He asked Howard who ''took charge'' the first time he and Beth had sex. Howard went on to explain why he has to take charge in something like that. He said he's not the type of guy who just lays back and waits. Shuli also asked Howard if Beth has taught him anything sexually since they started dating. Howard said there's not much for him to learn. Shuli then asked him what his most embarrassing moment sexually was. Howard said showing a woman his penis for the first time. He said that or when watching porn and a woman says ''Oh my god! He's so much bigger than you!'' Gary asked Howard if he's ever gotten so excited with a woman that he finished in seconds with a woman. He said he did that one time. He dated this really hot chick and the first time he was with her he finished in like 1 second. He said he apologized to her and they did it 10 minutes later. He said he finished the second time in about 30 seconds. Howard said there was no reason that should have happened. He said he was like 46 or so when it happened. Shuli then asked Artie what his most embarrassing moment was. Howard answered for him and told the story about ARtie having slept with a woman out in Las Vegas and then waking up the next morning to her telling him it cost him $500. Artie told Howard some of the details about that and said it was pretty embarrassing. He said she said it to him in a grovelly, morning voice. She said ''It's five hundred for everything.'' Artie said he knew she was a whore at the time but he figured that she'd do him for free. A phony phone caller, posing as Artie's girlfriend Dana, said that her most embarrassing moment was when she didn't charge Artie after a night of sex. She also said that Artie looks like Rosie O'Donnell with his shirt off. Gary asked Artie if he's ever broken a piece of furniture because he's so big. ARtie said ''Nooo!'' and asked Gary ''what kind of question is that?'' Howard had Robin start doing her news but people, like Sal the Stockbroker, kept calling in as pieces of Artie's clothes, furniture and stuff like that. One call was Artie's scale which just screamed for him to get off. Sal called in as Artie's couch asking Artie to stay at the studio so he could rest it's back. High Pitch Erik called in and just said ''Artie's a fat bastard!'' for some reason. A few other people called in before the end of the show to bust Artie's balls.
After the break Howard said that he bit his tongue last night and today it's giving him problems. He said he can barely talk. He said he was eating last night when he accidentally bit the underside of his tongue. He moved on to talk about last night's ''Survivor'' which he loved. He said they split the men and the women into two different tribes. Howard said the guys lost the first big challenge because they were over confident. He talked about some of the stuff that went on during the show and was surprised at how the guys weren't able to walk a balance beam. Robin brought up ''Friends'' and said it's never good when they have Phoebe featured on the show. Howard said he's not a fan of her character either. He said Lisa Kudrow is a nice woman but he's not a fan of her character. Howard got back to ''Survivor'' and talked about the deaf woman who's on this season. Howard and the guys talked about how tough that must be. Howard said someone like that should pretend to be deaf and actually be able to hear every word everyone is saying. Howard and the guys talked about the women that are on the show and said that none of them are all that hot. Howard said you have to wait until they start slimming down before you know if they're hot or not.
Howard said he didn't get to see ''Friends'' last night but Robin said it was pretty good even though Phoebe was on too much. Howard said that Demi Moore was on ''Will and Grace'' last night and she looks kind of odd. He said they stretched her face so tight she looks like a 15 year old. He said he thinks that Demi is so rich that they actually skinned a 15 year old and used her skin on Demi's body.
Howard said he got flowers for his mother yesterday and she loved them. Robin had made fun of him on yesterday's show because you're supposed to give Valentine's day gifts to people you're in love with. Howard joked that his mother banged him after getting the flowers. He said he sent flowers to his daughters too and made sure they were addressed to them and not his ex-wife.
A woman called in and asked Howard about the ''robbery'' he was talking about earlier. Howard told her he really can't talk about it. Howard ended up talking about his dog getting spayed yesterday and how messed up she was after the surgery. He said he felt sorry for her yesterday when she came home. Robin said she took her cats to get their teeth cleaned and when they came home they were really messed up on anesthetic. Howard said the dog was getting better this morning but she did puke once. Howard said that Beth is taking care of the dog for him.
A guy called in and brought up the underarm hair that the deaf chick had on ''Survivor'' last night. Howard said that really is unsexy. He said he thinks that chick has probably given up on everything since she's deaf.
Howard wondered what's going on with this Orange alert. He said he was walking through the hallway this morning and saw an envelope with an ''H'' on it. He gave it to Ronnie the Limo Driver to open for him. He kept on walking and went into the studio. He found a box in there that was from Beth. It turned out the card was supposed to be with the box but Jason had dropped the envelope. Ronnie said it was kind of embarrassing when he opened the envelope because it was a card from Beth and there was a picture of her in there. Ronnie said the envelope was kind of weird because the ''H'' didn't really look like an H. He said it looked like some kind of symbol. Artie wanted to see the picture of Beth so Howard sent the card over to him. Howard said Beth would tell him that she doesn't want anything for Valentine's day but he knows better. He said they play games with that. Robin said Mr. X got her a bouquet of flowers and they're going out to dinner today after work. Howard said he feels that Robin got laid last night but she wasn't talking. Howard said he can tell when she gets laid because she has a glow about her. Gary said she's missing a certain irritability when she gets laid. Robin still wasn't talking about it though. Gary asked Robin how often she and Mr. X bang. She said they're very happy and they're not as active as Howard and Beth. Howard said he's constantly aroused. He said it's sick how much he's aroused.
Howard asked Gary what he got his wife for Valentine's Day. Gary said he only got her a couple of things because they're packing to go to Florida today. He said he probably won't make it though because it's supposed to snow all tonight and tomorrow. Artie said he gave Dana a couple of gifts for their 1 year anniversary and for Valentine's Day. He said he got her a really nice watch. Howard figured it was big and gaudy since Artie got it. Artie said he took his mother and sister to help him pick it out though so it's not big and gaudy. Artie said it was in the neighborhood of $2,500. Howard told Artie that whore he had in Vegas was cheaper. Artie thought that was pretty rude. Robin told Howard that it would have cost Artie $500 each time he saw that whore.
Gary said he asked Stuttering John what he got his wife for Valentine's Day. He said he's invested some money in her show, he gave her a pajama-gram and he's taking her to dinner to a really nice place tonight.
Stuttering John wondered if ARtie pays his mother for all of this help that she gives him. Artie said he does pay her because she helps him out with a lot of stuff. Gary said that's how his mother found out he orders porn because she pays his bills for him. Artie said he does that because he can't figure out what his manager does for him. He said he's also got an agent. Howard asked him what he needs a manager for. ARtie said he's been trying to figure that out himself. Howard advised Artie to fire his manager today. Artie said none of his people do anything for him. He said he can't even get them on the phone. Howard told ARtie that the guy will tell him that he's out in L.A. mentioning his name to big people out there but he's full of it. Howard told Artie that he should get rid of his agents too and get a new one. Artie said he doesn't even need a stand-up agent because he gets offers just from being on Howard's show. Howard said he never had a manager, he's just had an agent. Artie said he knows a lot of guys who have had managers and agents. Howard said he really only needs the agent for theatrical work. Artie told Howard that his mother can get him more stuff than even his manager can.
Howard took a call from Melrose Larry Green who said Howard's name was mentioned on ''Jimmy Kimmel Live'' last night. Gary said it was a fleeting mention that was just used in a bit they were doing. Artie said that Melrose was on that show recently. They showed him out on the streets and gave him a mention. Gary asked Howard which one of the late night guys he would watch if he had to. Howard said he wouldn't watch any of them because they all bore him. Howard said he doesn't know how anyone can sit through those shows. He said he tuned into Letterman's show one night and his stage manager, Biff, was putting pins into a map. He said there's just nothing going on there. Howard was asked who he thinks is more normal, Leno or Letterman. Howard said he used to think that Leno was more normal but it might be Letterman even though he has a lot of issues. Howard talked about the day Letterman shot for his movie ''Private Parts'' and how miserable the guy was. Howard said he thinks that Leno is 50 times more mentally ill than Dave is. He said that when he was doing Leno's show he used to come back stage and visit him. He said he thinks that there's not even a human being in there. He thinks that he's a robot or something and he doesn't seem to listen to what he says. Gary said Leno seems to have a need for everyone to love him and he'll talk to just about anyone. Howard and the guys talked about Letterman and his girlfriend and how weird that relationship is. Howard and John said that Jay almost seems to be A-sexual because he doesn't show any emotion toward women. They also talked about Lettman's use of HAM radio and how strange that is. Stuttering John brought up how Leno doesn't even use the money he makes on the Tonight Show, he only uses the money he makes doing stand-up comedy. Howard was saying how mental both of them are. John asked him who he would rather be stuck on an island with, Jay or Dave. Howard said he'd have to stay with Dave. He said Jay is too mental for him. He said he doesn't even like staying in a room with Jay. He said he has his agent stay in the room when Jay is there.
Melrose was still on the phone so he interrupted again after Howard had something about Leno being mental. Melrose told Howard that he knew the words to ''Jelly Beaner'' that Howard sang when he was a kid. He said it was a segment on the Howdy Doody show. He sang a couple of verses from the song and said there was a dance for the song too. He said he'll do the dance for Howard when he's on the show in April. Gary asked him how he was going to be on the show if he wasn't booked. Melrose said he'd try to be on then. Howard said he'll probably just stand outside the studio for 7 hours. Howard played the tape of when he and his family was in the recording studio and he sang ''Jelly Beaner.'' Melrose then told Howard there was a third verse but Howard didn't want to hear it. He got Melrose off the phone and then took another break.
Stuttering John said he could have lost his virginity earlier but the Catholic church put so many things in his head that stopped him. KC came in and said he lost his virginity at 13. Gary said he chased down that woman and asked her if she wanted to come on the show to talk about it. She didn't want to do that though. KC said he didn't use a condom with her and he was smart enough to withdraw before he finished. Howard spent a couple of minutes on that and then moved on to other stuff.
Howard played an ''Onion Radio News'' bit that was a phony news story about Richard Simmons having a dangerously low level of estrogen.
Howard had a new Mr. Skin (MrSkin.com) Minute to play. In the bit Mr. Skin gives us the latest ''Skinfo'' on movies that are out in theaters or on DVD. This week he had a special Valentine's Day Mr. Skin Minute. He said the movie ''Love Letters'' features Jamie Lee Curtis getting naked 7 times between the 31 minute mark and the 66 minute mark. He also mentioned the movie ''If Walls Could Talk 2'' which features people like Sharon Stone and Ellen Degeneres having lesbian sex. Then there was the movie ''Sirens'' which features Elle McPherson and Portia DeRossi showing a lot of bush. Howard spent a short time talking about those movies and saying that he might have to rent that ''If Walls Could Talk 2.''
After that Gary brought up how Stuttering John is going to try out for a football team because, for some reason, he thinks he can play. KC thinks John is crazy and doesn't know what he's getting himself into. Gary said that John told him that he thinks he can play good enough to play in the arena league. KC said that John is overweight and almost 40 years old so he's going to get pounded if he plays. KC played college ball and knows what he's talking about. Howard told John that he's delusional. The NY Dragons are going to give him the try out. John thinks he can play wide receiver but the guys said most of those guys are huge. Howard said if John makes it through the first round, he'll give him a week's worth of plugs during the show. Howard took a call from a guy who said he can't wait to see JOhn get pounded by those guys. KC told John that the 300 pound guys playing are going to be faster than him. John doesn't believe that though. He said there's no way that's going to happen. Scott the Engineer came in and said that he's amazed that no one is supporting John. He said when John puts his mind to it, he can do anything. Scott said he wants to bet on John because he thinks he can do it. Howard said Scott hates John and wants him to get beaten so that's why he wants to be on him. John said Scott is smoking constantly and thinks that he'll be diagnosed with cancer within the next 3 years. Howard said he probably already has it and doesn't know. Howard said Scott will probably be diagnosed at 53 and die by 57.
Gary came in and said that Doug is a great hockey player and he had the same crazy dream as John is having so he went out and tried out for a roller hockey team. He said Doug had to get out of it because the guys were all so much bigger than him and better than him. John still thinks that he's got a chance though. The guys continued to talk about how nuts John is. John said he could have played football in college and that's one of his regrets. He even said he'd like to go up against Marco Battaglia just to see how fast he is. Howard said that Marco is 250 pounds and if John can beat him in a race, he'd be impressed. Howard told John that Marco is 10 times faster than him. Howard took another call from a guy who said that John is a jackass for thinking he can be that good. Ralph also called in and said they might keep John as a goof so he'd like to get in on some action. Artie told John he could really get hurt by these guys. John said he knows they're already upset he's even getting the tryout. They're going to be out to get him as soon as he's out there. The guys told John that they don't think he could even make a college football team right now. Gary told him he doesn't think he could even do the workout with the team. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said John thinking he's that good is like him thinking that he could win the Daytona 500 on Sunday. Ronnie said he doesn't think he can win that race and he thinks John must be going through a mid-life crisis or something. Howard said he'd try to hook John up with a run against Marco Battaglia. Howard told John he's stupid and told him to get out of the studio. He took a break shortly after that.
After the break Howard was going to star the Win Fred's Money thing but Marco Battaglia was on the line. Howard told Marco what was going on and said that John thinks he's going to make first cut. Marco said that he's going to be ''cut first.'' Marco said he can do the 40 yard dash in 4.6 seconds. John told Marco that he wants to race him. Marco said that he'd throw the ball to John 10 times and if he caught 8 of them, he'd race him. Marco told John to go to the gym with Howard and if he can keep up with him in a run on the treadmill, he'll race him. Marco said he just wants to see if John can keep up with him. Robin told John that he won't even be able to keep up with him working out. Gary came in and said that most of the guys on the team John will be trying out for are about 6 feet tall. John is only 5'7'' tall. John said he thinks he can beat Marco in a 100 yard dash race. They had to do it today though. Marco said he knows of an indoor track up in Harlem but he's not sure they can get in. John said he if can't beat Marco, who's a tight end, he won't have a chance in the arena league. Howard told Marco he'd work on setting something up for them.
Gary had another guy on the phone who could tell John what he'd need to do to make the first cut. The guy said John would have to run a 4.4 or 4.5 second 40 yard dash. He said if he runs higher, he may or may not be cut. The guy said then they'll test him running and getting past linemen and if he can't do that, he's not going to make it. The guy told John that arena football is as close to the NFL as you can get. Howard said he can't wait for John to do this. Everyone was taking bets on whether or not John can beat Marco. When Artie told John he was going with Marco, John said that he's guaranteed a win now. Artie later said that he wants to play a WNBA chick because he thinks he can beat one of them in basketball. KC said that was less ridiculous than John's delusions that he can play football. All of the guys started betting on that game too. Howard had to take yet another break after that before getting to ''Win Fred's Money.''
Powell came in dressed in a red suit according to Howard. Fred told Howard that this guy called him a ''faggot'' in his e-mail to the show. Powell denied writing that but Howard got a copy of the e-mail and read it. At the end of the letter he did use the term ''faggot.'' Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to Powell and his cousin before sending Fred off to Robin's booth. He also had Powell's cousin go into the bathroom to take off her clothes just in case Powell lost. The guys said Angela had ''back'' and looked pretty heavy. She told them she weighs 170 pounds, not the 180-190 that they thought.
Howard went ahead and played the game after doing all of that. He told Angela that they removed the toilet paper from the bathroom so she can't wrap herself up and run out without showing her naked body like the last woman did. Howard asked 7 questions in a minute and each guy had to answer as many as possible. Here are the questions and correct answers:
Howard and the guys ended up asking her if they could weigh her breasts because they were so huge. The threw them on a scale and Howard said they were about 9 to 10 pounds each. Robin told Howard she didn't think that was the right way to weigh them though and they might weigh more. Howard wrapped up the segment a short time later.
Stuttering John ended up calling Marco a ''faggot'' for backing out. He said he didn't mean it in a homosexual way, just that Marco was a pussy. Howard and Artie thought that took some balls to call him something a name like that. John thought that Marco should step up to the plate and compete against him. He thought that Marco was afraid to race him. He said if Marco loses to him in a race there's no way he'd get picked up by any team. Marco called in and said he has to race John now. He said if John loses against him he'd have to be his personal servant for a year or something like that. Pat told Marco that he really can't race him though. Howard kept telling John that Marco can beat him in a second. John didn't want to hear it and just kept saying that he can beat him. He said he thinks Pat thinks that if Marco loses, no one will sign him. John, Pat, Marco and Howard went back and forth on that for a while. Pat and Marco have an appointment today so they suggested that Stuttering John come down to the gym with Howard to take care of things. John agreed to do that and Howard tried to wrap that up a short time later. A friend of John's called in and said that John will win. He said he has ''retard strength'' and he's faster than you'd think. Howard told Marco not to fall for that line though. John said he plays football with the guy on the phone. Howard had Mike Walker on the phone so he moved on to play that game.
Mike spent a few minutes talking about Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. The guys were wondering what happened there. Mike told them what his thoughts on their divorce were and some of the stuff that Nicole did. Howard took a break after that discussion.
Howard told the guy he was brilliant and congratulated him on his success. Howard's buddy Ralph called in and asked him what happened to the guy holding the rifle. Rich said he was later told the rifle was plastic. The gun held to his head was a real one though. Howard ended up giving Rich a couple of prizes for his trouble. Gary told him he had a watch from Steven Singer Jewelers, a 1 year membership to Bally Total Fitness or a $500 prize from iWon.com. They gave him all three and also gave him a ski trip like they gave to the woman earlier in the show.Howard played a couple of clips for Rich that he wanted to hear. He played some George Takei laughs for him and some Mark Harris music before wrapping up the show.