Doug Goodstein from E! came in and said that Scott was okay until 2 days before they were supposed to go. That's when it all fell apart. Once again Scott said that his wife was just worried about him. He finally admitted that he's pussy-whipped.
Doug also blamed Scott's bad luck, black cloud on his choking incident during the driving school thing. Doug said he was eating chunky soup when he got a piece of potato stuck in his throat. He just happened to be sitting next to Scott. He tried to get Ronnie to help him get the potato out but Ronnie thought he was just kidding around. Ronnie and Scott DePace finally hit him in the stomach and back and stopped his choking. Doug says it was Scott's bad luck that caused the choking.
Howard quickly played a game of Rock and Roll Jeopardy with Hank and Mark. Hank has beaten two other people in the game including Gary and John the Stutterer. Howard ripped through 20-some questions and neither Hank or Mark were doing very well. Hank didn't seem to be his usual drunken genius self. Mark said he's not up on the classic rock stuff, he's more into the '80's stuff. By the end of the game Hank had about 5 more correct answers than Mark did so he won once again.
Howard then brought in a couple of interns who had gotten all dressed up for Mark. After checking out Shannon and Angela Howard told Mark that he's more than made up for losing to a drunken dwarf. Shannon also shared a story about how her mother used to hang out with Gene Simmons of KISS and Ozzy Osbourne when she was younger. Shannon said her mother says she wasn't a groupie though, she just hung out with them.
Howard took a bunch of quick phone calls for Mark. A majority of the callers asked Mark about dating Maya and what kind of sex he had with her. He said he never did anal with her but he did say that he slept with her well over 10 times.
Howard also had notes on Mark that said he's in some kind of war with a guy by the name of Matt Zane but Mark said he had no idea what he was talking about. He said ''it's all about love'' and he has no battles to speak of.
Howard took a break and came back so Sugar Ray could perform their new song ''When It's Over'' that's on their new self-titled album ''Sugar Ray''. Mark told Howard that the song is about relationships and that old cliche ''you don't know what you've got until it's gone.'' Howard wondered if it was about his ex-girlfriend Maya. Mark played along and said that of course it is and he'll even put her name in it when he sings it.
Craig Gass said a friend of his in the music industry told him a story about Mark going through a bunch of girls who were standing outside of his tour bus one time. He said that Mark picks and chooses which girls can stay and which have to go but Mark denied it saying it was an urban legend. The rest of the band stayed quiet about it. Howard then had them perform their song after introducing each of the members.
After performing that song Howard said he read a rumor that Mark enjoys golden showers (women peeing on him) but Mark said he's never tried that. He said he'd be willing to try it but he honestly hasn't done that yet. It was just an internet rumor according to Mark.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said that everyone keeps talking about how good looking Mark is but he has giant nostrils. Mark said it's true and as a child other kids called him ''pig nose''. Hank came to Mark's defense and said that the caller's mother probably looks like a pig. Craig Gass came to life with his W.C. Fields/Edward G. Robinson impression as he egged Hank on to yell at the callers more. That continued through the rest of the interview every time Hank would say something. Craig would say ''Yeah, see.. yeah, yeah'' and rile up Hank a little more.
Howard interrupted the whole thing at one point because Beetlejuice was out in the hall crying. Howard heard that Beet was upset about the whole million dollar contest and he thought that he was going to win or something. Beet didn't want to even talk about it, he just wanted to leave. He was tired and didn't care about anything. He said no one was telling him anything and he didn't care. Howard tried to calm him down and get him to stay but he refused. Howard told him it was okay if he wanted to leave and go home to get some sleep. He told Beetle that he loves him and wouldn't want to upset him or want him to hate them for any reason. Mark McGrath and the band even agreed to sing ''Every Morning'' and throw Beetlejuice's name in there to cheer him up. Beet stuck around in a piss-poor mood as they did that. During the song Mark mentioned Beet's name and even asked him if he was feeling better. Beetle must have shook his tiny, giant tooth filled, head back and forth because Mark said ''no?'' after asking. He used Beetle's name about 20 times during the song but Beet was still sounded down after the song. Howard wrapped things up shortly after that.
Howard got to his Scores party story. He said he and a few friends went out to dinner first. It was Howard, his friends Richie and Ross and Carson Daly. They went to Dos Caminos first and then decided to go to Scores. Howard said Carson calls it ''the office'' so when someone asks him where he's going, he just says ''to the office.'' Howard thought that was a great name for it. Howard told Robin that's when he got the shaving advice from the stripper. He also said another stripper was a big fan of his and asked him a bunch of questions about his books and stuff. Howard said he spoke to her for a short time and figured he'd let her give him some lap dances after he was done eating. Howard said he looked for her later but couldn't find her. He later heard that she passed out after meeting him. She was so overwhelmed after meeting him that she fainted. Howard said one of the other strippers told him that and he believed it. Robin and the guys couldn't believe Howard fell for that. He couldn't either after thinking about it for a minute. Howard told Robin that he got home around 2 in the morning and had to pleasure himself to fall asleep.
Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said it was true that the chick did pass out after meeting Howard. He told Howard and Robin she went to the dressing room and was very overwhelmed after meeting Howard. Howard said he did get a lap dance from her later in the evening but he didn't ask her about the passing out thing. Ronnie said he didn't witness the passing out first hand though. He heard it second hand.
Howard said that Beth knew that he was going to Scores this weekend so he figured she heard that from someone. She said that she just knew he was going to go there.
Howard said he and Carson Daly ran into each other at another club on Sunday night. This place was called Rehab. Howard said the two of them seem to run into each other at places where they don't really have to talk to each other. Howard also told Robin about the dinner he went to with his kids and his parents. After that he went home and watched some movies with the kids. He said he saw ''Catch Me if You Can'' and it was a great movie. Robin agreed and said she was going to tell Howard to see it. He spent a couple of minutes talking about that with Robin. Howard said Steven Spielberg made a really great movie out of a very boring subject. He said it's basically about a guy who goes through life passing bad checks. Howard and Robin ended up talking about Leonardo Dicaprio for a couple of minutes before Howard had to take another break. He had more stories to tell about the Rehab club though. He quickly told Robin that they had a lot to get to today. He said the American Idol judges will be in and Dave Chappelle would be stopping by. He said Paula Abdul was supposed to come but she's apparently ''sick'' and can't make it.
After the break Howard said Ralph came over to his place on Thursday and he was sick. Howard said he didn't want him to be there sick though. Howard said he also came back on Sunday night and went out to dinner with him and his buddies. Howard moved on and told Robin about what he masturbated to over the weekend. He said he's gotten a lot of bad porno lately and he's been judging it by the covers on the cases. He said he keeps some around and had to take measures into his own hands over the weekend. He talked about how he has a secret compartment where he keeps porn but Beth knows about it. Artie told Howard that he keeps all of his porn in a brown paper bag and it makes a lot of noise when he opens the bag. Howard said that's weird because his father used to keep his stuff in a brown bag. Robin and Howard talked about how weird it is when you find your parent's porn collection. Howard said that his father used to have a gross of rubbers in his room. Howard said he's pretty sure that his mother didn't give it up much though. Howard went on to talk about how his DVD player didn't work when he tried to play some porn DVDs. He had no sound. He said he played it on his big screen TV while laying naked on his bed. He didn't need the sound though so he went ahead and watched the porn. He said there was a lot of penis in the porn but once they cut to the woman he was finished. Howard said he had to pleasure himself the other night when he couldn't fall asleep so he pulled out this tape that Jackie copied for him years ago. Howard said it has a hand written ''special tape'' written on it so he knew just what it was. Gary came in and said he has the exact same tape. Howard said it was a home made tape that was sent to him years ago. There's a guy in the beginning of the tape who doesn't shut up. Gary came in and said he can use that tape every 6 months or so because it really is a ''special'' tape. Howard and Gary said they thought about making up copies for guests that they feel deserve a copy. Howard seems to think that the tape wasn't really made specifically for him but Gary seems to think that it was. Howard said it's two chicks getting it on in a hotel room and it's really hot. He said he thinks that it's a regular porn movie that this guy talks over in the beginning. Gary told him he's watched it many times and it looks to him like it really was made just for Howard. Gary said he keeps his copy of the tape in a pile of videotapes that his kids could get to. Howard told him he should keep it in a safe. Howard said he keeps some of his porn in a safe and he realized that when he dies, someone will have to go through all of his porn. Gary told Howard that he has a DVD burner so he's going to put that ''special tape'' on DVD and make a couple copies of it. Gary and Howard spent some time talking about other porn like the Pam and Tommy Lee home video.
Howard changed subjects and brought up his Sunday dinner with his buddies Ross and Richie. Howard said they went to this club Rehab and the owner thanked him for coming down. He said at this club the women are almost naked at the club and they have to be nice to the customers. Howard said he's not sure if the chicks want to be with them though. He seems to think that they're forced to be nice to them. Howard said he just wanted to go home after a while but the guys wanted him to stay because the chicks were hanging around. They knew that if Howard left, the girls would leave.
Gary went out to L.A. To shoot another week's worth of ''Hollywood Squares.'' He said he was out at a club and saw actor Krispin Glover trying to pick up chicks. The guys spent a couple of minutes talking about what that guy has been up to lately.
Howard didn't see the ''Golden Globe'' awards but his father did. He said he got a call from his father complaining about Sharon Stone who he gets annoyed by. Howard said his father complained about how her career is now just going to award shows. Howard said his father told him about Sharon Stone stealing the limelight from Richard Gere who she presented the award to. She was apparently trying to dance with him and was talking to him while he was trying to give an acceptance speech. Gary wondered what she's been in that has made her a star. The guys talked about what a nut she is for a few minutes.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Howard if he saw David Schwimmer's girlfriend at the Golden Globes. He didn't see the award show but said he was pretty sure that she was a Perfect 10 girl at one time. Howard took another call from a guy who said Dick Clark was shaking at the award show. Howard said ''it's about time.'' Robin said Dick really doesn't have to host all of these shows that he produces and it might be time for him to give it up. Howard took another phone call and then had to take a break.
Howard said that Scott Einziger who used to work at E! is no longer working on ''The Amazing Race.'' Beth went out and visited him and told Howard that he's now working on a show called ''Am I Hot?'' that will be airing on ABC. Howard said it's a show where women come in and get evaluated by guys. Howard said that's his show where they do evaluations on women. Howard sounded pissed and said he will sue over this show because he has been doing that for the past 20 years. Howard sounded like he was pissed that those people didn't call him to cut him in on the action. Howard said it's expensive to hire him to work on a show like that though. Gary said that Sam Simon has wondered why Howard hasn't done shows like this. Howard said that he has gone in to pitch shows like that but networks end up taking the ideas and getting a cheaper production company to produce them. Howard said that it's Mike Fleiss who is producing this show. He said that Mike runs a production company so he can produce these shows quickly and inexpensively unlike he can. Howard said Beth was actually at the casting for the show and told him all about it. Tomorrow they'll be doing evaluations on Howard's show. He said they're going to evaluate some women who think they can be in Playboy. He said if there are any women out there who would like to be part of that they should call KC at 212-314-9322.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who was wondering where Howard ''finishes'' when he masturbates. Artie said he uses an old shirt when he does it. Howard said that's gross and couldn't believe what he was saying. Howard said that Stuttering John uses a sock to finish himself off. Howard said he just uses tissues.
Howard took another call from a guy who was pissed that Howard had the day off yesterday. Howard said he knows a lot of people who have a lot more time off than he does.
Howard also asked Paula if she's going to get a little meaner this season. She said there's no reason to do that though. Howard then moved on to Simon who he thought got a little intimidated last season. Simon explained to Howard that he had to remain silent at the end of the season for some reason. He said that it won't happen again though.
Howard got back to Paula and asked her if the rumors about her not wanting another woman on the show were true. They ended up getting rid of the fourth judge that they hired. Paula told Howard that Simon got rid of her because the woman just didn't like doing it. Simon said the chemistry didn't work out well for them either. Howard figures it's the greatest gig in the world though. They sit there and judge other people's music. Howard tried to find out what kind of money they're all making on the show but they weren't talking much. Simon shot ''Hollywood Squares'' when Gary was out there this weekend so they spent a couple of minutes talking about that. Gary said Simon really wasn't playing the game and said whatever he felt like saying. He said he was very ''real'' on the show. Howard got back to the money thing but Randy wasn't talking about how much he gets. Paula said she doesn't mind if Simon makes more money than she does on the show either. Paula said that it's Simon's show and she's just a visitor.
Howard spent a little time talking to Randy about his marriage and how he's no getting laid off this show.
Robin said she saw Simon on MTV's ''Cribs'' and figured that he had to put the woman he had with him on the show to get her to stay with him. Simon told Robin that was true.
Howard asked Simon about the Kelly Clarkson record contract controversy. She apparently had a record contract while she was on the show so Howard wondered if she would have been kicked off the show if they knew about that. Simon said they knew she was working with this guy who signed her so it wouldn't have gotten her kicked off the show. Howard figured she was a fraud because of that but Simon didn't think that was right.
Gary came in and told Howard that the judges had to be out of there pretty soon and they had some people waiting to be judged. Howard spent a couple more minutes talking to them about the show. He also asked Paula if it's true she's back recording because of the attention she's gotten from the show. She said she's not sure what she's doing right now but she'll see what happens. She said she's having fun writing songs for other people at this point. Howard also brought up the fact that Paula used to date John Stamos years ago. She said that John was a great guy and she really liked him. Howard then pulled out the notes on Paula and said that she dated his competition Mark and Brian. She said that they were funny together.
Howard said he had 4 people who wanted to be judged so he brought in the first one, Christina. She was in recently claiming that they rejected her because she looks too ''ethnic.'' Christina sang a few lines and Simon told Howard that she's really not a good singer. Robin seems to think that she's not all that bad and she could perform in England. Paula said she doesn't agree with Simon about her not being a good singer. She said there were a lot of good singers who were rejected from the show. Randy said she was alright but not ''amazing.'' Randy also said she looks great. Christina said that there are some people interested in her but Simon told her that when people tell her that, they're probably just interested in getting into her pants.
Howard brought in Tim next. He also belted out a song for the judges. He sang ''Hero'' from the Spider-Man soundtrack. He's 30 years old so the judges told him that he's too old to be an ''American Idol.'' Simon said he was alright. Paula said he didn't have any projection. Randy said he was alright also. Howard then broke the news to them that his real name is Josey and he's the lead singer of the band Saliva who actually performed the song. Howard said that shows how little the judges actually know. Josey said they sold 8 million copies of that single. Josey said he's also gotten a few awards for the song. Howard thanked Josey for coming in to do that. He also gave him a plug for his album ''Back Into Your System'' which is out now.
Howard said they had a few things that they could do. He said they could bring in more people to be judged or they could meet Simon's girlfriend. Howard decided to meet Simon's girlfriend. She came in and spent a couple of minutes talking to him about that. Simon told Howard that he's never going to get married when he was asked if he's going to marry this girl. Howard then found out he was out of time with them. He had to wrap things up but first let Fred perform a song about Simon that he wrote. Fred then sang ''Simon is a fag'' to the tune of ''Three Blind Mice.'' Fred isn't a fan of his obviously. Howard then wrapped up the interview and took a break.
Howard brought up Martin Luther King day and told Dave that he watched Oprah yesterday. He told him about what went on during that show and how involved he felt with the show. Gary came in and said that he had a cab driver on Sunday who asked him if they were working on Monday. Gary told him they had off for Martin Luther King day and the guy said to him ''...at least he was good for something.'' Artie said he knew a cop who said that it's a good thing they get a day off for that ''spook.'' That led to them bringing up the Greaseman who got fired for making a comment about how we could get a week off if they only ''killed four more.'' Howard said someone once came up to him and told him they thought he was the one who made that comment. Howard didn't do it though.
Howard said they're thinking of going to Las Vegas again in March or April of this year. He said it's a good thing they're going there at that time of year because it's always freezing when they go in December or January. Howard complained about the weather in New York City where it's below 20 degrees. Howard went on to talk about how great it would be to go at the end of March or the beginning of April. He then said he was thinking of stuff they could do out there. Howard brought up the story about John getting water spilled on him by Robin's boyfriend Mr. X after he farted at the dinner table. Howard explained the story and said that John is ready to fight Mr. X. They spoke to Mr. X last week but he had to think about it. John said he has to think about it too because he's going to be on the show ''I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!'' in February/March so he might not be in shape to fight. John said that he's been drinking a lot but he's still losing weight. He said that he drank so much over the weekend that he had to have Nick DiPaolo pull over the car because he had to puke.
Howard said he hard that Artie did a show at a college over the weekend and they have to have a sign language person stand there and sign his act. Howard said Artie yelled out ''Pussy'' so the woman had to do the sign for that. John said that Artie just kept doing it and it was brilliant.
Howard got back to the Mr. X thing and asked Robin what he's thinking. She said they have to make it worth his while to do the fight. She said he wants six figures just like they got for the Cabbie vs. John fight. She said he will do it for the right amount of money. Howard said he'll talk to Tom about it and try to set up the fight. Robin said that Mr. X loves John but he will beat the crap out of him for the right price. John said he's ready to fight him too and if he wins, he'll stand over his face and fart on him. The guys all spent some time talking about the fight before Nancy Odell called in.
Howard spent a while talking to her and did talk about the Golden Globes a little bit. They mentioned a few celebrities but Howard would always get off track and talk about her instead. He eventually wrapped up the call and took another commercial break.
Howard was talking about Dave's new show and one of the out takes they have. There was a girl dancing in a car and her boob accidentally fell out of her top. Howard said they show Dave's face when he sees the breast and it's pretty funny.
Howard said that tomorrow they plan on having Sean the White Rapper come in to turn himself in to the cops. He claims that he's wanted by the cops and he wants to turn himself in on the air. Howard got him on the phone and let him talk about how he's wanted for some reason. Howard said he's interested in seeing him get arrested on the show. Howard asked him if he really is wanted by the cops and Sean claims he is. He said he will be in tomorrow to do this. Sean asked Howard if it would be possible to get a break on the charges or not. Howard said he doesn't have any power like that so there's nothing he can do to help him.
Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about the evaluations they want to do on the show tomorrow. Then Dominic Barbara called in and said that he thinks that Sean the White Rapper might not be wanted but they might want to hit him with a temporary order of protection. Howard told Gary to look into it and find out if he's really wanted.
Howard brought up the fact that the movie ''Kangaroo Jack'' was number one this past weekend. Robin said she was shocked by that news. Dave said that he was offered a part in the movie but he turned it down. Stuttering John said he saw the movie and it was horrible. He said he brought his kid to see it. Howard said that Martin Lawrence's movie ''National Security'' was number two. He ended up talking about how strange Lawrence was when he came on the show recently.
Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about the football games that went on over the weekend. He said he only watched the first game on Sunday. The guys spent a few minutes talking about the Philadelphia game and how they expected fans to rip the place apart after the game because it was the last game the team was going to play in that stadium.
Howard said Gary gave him something from Sports Illustrated Magazine that he found interesting. It was called ''Things You Can't Make Up'' and it had wacky stuff like...
Howard went through a couple of phone calls and Shuli ended up calling in. He had a suggestion for what they could call the Mr. X vs. Stuttering John fight. He suggested ''The Perfectionist vs. The Receptionist.'' Howard said a bunch of people have been sending in suggestions for that fight. He said they got stuff like ''The Black vs. The Wack,'' ''The Driver vs. The Kniver,'' ''Robin's Hunk vs. Suzanna's Junk,'' ''The Spook vs. The Mook,'' and ''The Nappy Headed Mother Fucker vs. The Empty Headed Mother Fucker.''
Shuli also told Howard it's time to take out his Neil Young Hirschfeld painting that Artie gave him as a gift because Al Hirschfeld just died. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about that. Howard said the Neil Young painting isn't an original, it's a signed lithograph. Howard said his boss Mel gave him an original of him that Hirschfeld did. He said that might be worth something.
Shuli brought up the odd collections that some of the cast have and wondered which one Howard thinks is the gayest of them. He mentioned Gary's cartoon cell collection, Ralph's action figure collection and Ronnie the Limo Driver's NASCAR collection. Howard also mentioned that Robin collects elephant figures. He also mentioned that Stuttering John collects movie posters. Howard said he doesn't collect anything like that. He has a few pens but not a whole collection. Howard said he thinks collecting stuff is kind of weird. Howard said he thought that Gary sold his collection of cartoons. Gary came in a minute later and said he didn't sell his stuff. He goofed on Ralph for a minute and said that Ralph buys 2 of each figure he collects. Howard then decided that it was pretty gay and that might be the gayest of the collections. Gary told Howard that he still has his collection of cartoon art but he just hasn't hung them up in his new house. Gary told Howard that he has a Jay Leno Hirschfeld painting that was given to him by the late Helen Kushnick. He said it's not that weird to have something like that.
Ralph called in to defend his collection and said that Doug Goodstein from E! collects pins. Howard wasn't sure what he meant by pins so Gary said it must be like when you go to the Olympics you get a little pin you can put on your clothing or something like that. Ralph then revealed that he used to purchase 3 of each action figure he collects. He said he'd have one to keep in the box, one to display and play with and one to trade or sell. Howard then told a story about a woman Ralph was dating who was freaked out by the action figure collection. Howard said she wanted to get the hell out of his apartment when she saw it for the first time but Ralph ended up being stuck with him for the whole weekend. Gary asked Ralph if he's ever dated a girl who thought the collection was cool. He said one chick sort of liked it but he said it doesn't matter because they're for him. Ralph changed subjects and told Howard that he was out with DJ Booker recently and he took his tiny digital camera and took a picture up a girls dress. She wasn't wearing any underwear and it was her time of month. Ralph said he still has a copy of the picture in the camera so he wants Howard to see it. Howard said he doesn't want to see them because he has daughters and he wouldn't want dudes doing that to his kid. Gary said that Cabbie has a digital camera in his cell phone and he was showing him topless pictures of his girlfriend. He said that Cabbie told him he takes pictures of them having sex with that camera too.
Shuli asked Artie if he's still going to therapy. Artie said that he went one time and it didn't work for him so he hasn't gone back. Howard said he can't just go once and be cured though.
Howard interrupted that discussion and said he just heard that Tom Gisimundo, who works at their station, collects wooden boxes. Howard and the guys spent a couple of minutes talking about that and trying to figure out why someone would collect wooden boxes. Howard took a break a short time later and then moved on to Robin's news.
Howard noticed that Robin didn't have any makeup on today but she still looked very young. Artie said he looks her age. Howard then said that Evil David Letterman (an impressionist) looks as old as all of their ages combined. Evil Dave was sitting in this morning so he started making his dopey jokes. Howard wondered how Evil Dave's reading lessons were going. He always screws up his lines when he's in. Howard let him tell a few jokes before telling him to save himself for later.
Howard said his girlfriend ran into Jim Belushi out in L.A. and he was apparently hitting on her pretty hard. Howard heard that Jim was asking her to go out with him as soon as he met her. Howard said he thought Jim was married and maybe he was kidding around with Beth. It sounded like Howard didn't want to get him in trouble.
Howard wondered if anyone watched ''Lord of the Anal Rings'' last night on E!. He had Double A on the phone and he said he saw the show and was surprised how good the naked chick was. Double A said he might have to cross that line and jump on her if he saw her. Howard asked Double A if he's ever pleasured himself to the E! show. He said he has so Howard ended up talking about how he used that ''Special Tape'' that he talked about the other night. He said it's the hottest lesbian action he's ever seen. He said he didn't even last 2 minutes with that. He said he defies anyone to make it past that amount of time. Gary came in and said that he uses that tape in five minute increments. He fast forwards 5 minutes each time so he has a new section each time. Howard took a call from a guy who asked Howard when he's going to stop bitching about not having Beth around. He wanted Howard to stop talking about her. Howard said people get upset when he talks about stuff like that and when he doesn't talk about stuff like that. He ended up talking about how he needed Beth around to talk about something difficult he's going through this week and she wasn't around. He and Robin talked about that for a couple of minutes but he interrupted that to talk to Evil David Letterman again. Gary told Howard that Evil Dave was a little upset when he came in because Stuttering John owes him $200. He joked that he lost it in a poker game but then told Howard John borrowed the money. Howard wondered what that was all about. John came in a minute later and said that Evil Dave introduced them at a comedy show one time and he was supposed to pay him $200 for that. He thought he sent out a check but Dave said he never got it. John said he was going to give him $200 cash today instead of the check.
Robin said there's a picture of Howard running in one of the tabloids. She said they have a picture of him from behind and you have to guess who it is. Howard didn't want her to promote the tabloid though so she never mentioned which one it was. Howard quickly said that they were going to have Jim Florentine and Kathy Griffin on today and then took his first break.
After the break Howard came back and said he was on Butt.com this morning and when he saw the chicks on there, he thought they were too young and got off as quick as he could. He checked the site again and saw that they said the girls are all 18 or older though. Howard said he goes on the web and just types in dirty words for web sites like that.
Howard said Kidd Chris (KiddShow.com) sent him a tape he put together of one of the contestants (Nathan) on ''American Idol'' singing ''My Girl.'' Kidd Chris just added some background music since the guy was singing without any. The singing was horrible and Howard said he'd buy that album. Howard was also proud that they scammed the ''American Idol'' judges yesterday when they were on the show. He spent a couple of minutes talking about that and then Evil Dave made some jokes about young boys that weren't going over very well.
Howard said there's an article in the paper about a 50 year old guy who is going to sue ''American Idol'' because they're practicing age discrimination. Howard said the country is nuts with the lawsuits that people bring up.
Howard had tape of Robert Blake rambling on and on in court that he played. Howard said that guy is great. Howard and Robin compared him to OJ Simpson.
Howard said they had a new Daniel Carver KKK message to play this morning. He said he was hoping he'd have a Martin Luther King Jr. message. Howard played the clip and Carver went off on his usual racist rants but didn't say anything about Martin Luther King Jr. day. Evil Dave said that they should hook Daniel up with Diana Ross. He made a couple of jokes about how bad she's looking these days too.
Howard took a call from a guy who was complaining about the size of Kelly Clarkson's head. He made the same joke a few times so Howard just hung up on the guy. Another caller asked Howard if he's spoken to Rob Zombie lately. Howard said he tried contacting him recently but both numbers he had for him were no longer working. He said he thinks he's still on good terms with Rob but he hasn't spoken to him lately. Howard said he was invited to Rob's wedding but they canceled that and then rescheduled it.
Howard said they were going to be doing a Playboy evaluation in a short time and they had Yucko the Clown, the Napier brothers and Wee Man from the Jackass movie and TV shows. Howard was reading some of the notes on Wee Man and he's an interesting guy. He said he claims that he's made over a million bucks from Jackass.
Howard read some e-mail he got yesterday. Someone said that Howard owes Artie an apology for goofing on him for giving him the Neil Young Hirschfeld painting. Howard said he doesn't owe Artie any apology. He said he still wishes Artie gave him the money instead of the painting. Howard asked him how much he paid for that painting. Artie told him it was $1200. Howard and Robin were both surprised at that amount.
Howard got some e-mail about Lara Flynn Boyle and how she's too skinny. Evil Dave got in on the conversation and read some of the jokes he had down. He mispronounced Renee Zellweger's name about 10 times. Artie tried to show him that there was a W in her name. Howard got back to his e-mail and read through a few more about Lara Flynn Boyle. Howard also got some mail about the Stuttering John vs. Mr. X fight that might be happening in a couple of months. Howard said they got some about the ''American Idol'' judges saying that the lead singer from the band Saliva wasn't all that great. People thought it was great that they showed how little the judges know. Howard went through a bunch of other quick e-mails about various stuff and then got to a few about Artie not being in therapy anymore. People seem to be happy that he's not in therapy anymore. Howard said half the people liked the Nancy Odell interview and the other half hated it.
Howard took a few phone calls and played the top five songs. He threw in a couple of song parodies about Pete Townshend and the Kidd Chris song parody ''Sulu Dance.''
Howard took a call from John the Stutterer who was stuttering up a storm. Fred was doing his impression of John and that wasn't helping things out. John wanted to ask Howard a question but he was having trouble getting it out. Howard asked him if he could say Renee Zellweger's name. He was able to get it out better than Evil Dave did. John continued to stutter for a minute as he told Howard he loves him. He eventually told Howard what he was calling in to complain about. He didn't think he should have Yucko the Clown, who claims to be a child molester, in to evaluate a woman. Howard told John that's just the Yucko character, and it's not true. Howard had to get off the phone because he couldn't take it anymore. He tried to get off the phone but Fred kept John in stutters so long that he couldn't hang up. He eventually got him off the phone and took a break.
Howard moved on to The Napier Brothers. He asked them what they're up to these days. The guys said that they've been trying to hook up with white chicks who pay for their stuff. They said that they don't have to work, they just get these chicks to pay for their stuff. Howard only spent a couple of minutes with them and then moved on to Yucko (DamnShow.com) who will be doing some comedy shows with Reverend Bob Levy next week. Check out DamnShow.com or HorseToothJackass.com for more info on that. Howard mentioned that Yucko lost the ''World's Meanest Listener'' contest to Bob Levy recently. Yucko said he was first runner up which was actually the first loser. He also thanked Tom Chiusano for watering down his act causing him to lose.
Howard took a call from a guy who wanted the Napier Brothers off the show. The Napier's said they'd kick the guy's ass if he showed up down there. Howard had Robin give the guy the radio station's address so he could come down.
Howard took a call from another guy who wanted the Napier's to shut up too. He made some racist comments about them and argued with them for a couple of minutes. Another caller also complained about the Napier Brothers being on the show. He also called them some names but the Napier's didn't mind it. They said they admit that they're nig*ers. A woman even called in and called them nig*ers. She was upset about the guys saying that they ''hit'' their women. The guys said that when they say ''hit'' they just mean they have sex with them.
Howard finally got to the first woman who wanted to be evaluated. Emily came in and got quite a reaction from the guys. Wee Man started off and said that she's a little heavy. She was wearing a red bra and red panties. When she turned around to show her body Wee Man told her she needs to honk when she backs that thing up. She claimed that she weighed only 130. Yucko said she must have dyslexia and it was actually 310. One of The Napier Brothers said that he thought it was a joke when she came in. He picked her apart a little bit and then Howard had Yucko go. Yucko said he agreed with the ''Nigier'' brothers and told her that she had no business being in there. Emily said she thinks that she's an 8 or a 9 on a scale of 10. She came back at the guys but couldn't insult them as much as they insulted her. Yucko said he'd give her a 425 rating but then said that must be her cholesterol level. He then called her a few more names. Howard sent Emily out before the guys insulted her anymore.
There weren't anymore women to be evaluated but some guy wanted to come in and sing for them. While they were waiting for that the Napier Brothers and Wee Man ended up getting into an argument about whether or not Wee Man was gay. The Napier Brothers said that anyone who doesn't have a problem with gay people is gay. They said that if someone has gay friends then they're gay. The guy who was going to sing ended up leaving before they brought him in. He must have been scared off. Howard wrapped up the segment shortly after that. Howard gave Wee Man another plug for his BachelorPartyBlowout.com web site. He also gave Yucko a couple of plugs for the comedy shows he's doing with Reverend Bob Levy (revboblevy.net) and Sal the Stockbroker (HorseToothJackass.com). He wrapped up the interview a minute later and took a break.
Crazy Cabbie called in a short time after that and told Howard he thinks he knows why Tom censored out the Pete Townshend stuff that Evil Dave was doing. He said that Tom is a huge fan of his and has an autographed picture of Pete in his office. Tom said that if Pete is found guilty, that picture is coming down and that had nothing to do with why they hit the delay on that list. Cabbie also revealed something else interesting. It turns out that he and Cane, who he works with at Howard's radio station, may be half brothers. Cabbie explained that his birth mother told him that his father's name was Elmer and he owned a bunch of gas stations in Minnesota. Cane's father was also named Elmer and owned a bunch of gas stations in Minnesota. Both Cabbie and Cane lived in Minnesota and Cane claims that his mother told him that his father was cheating on her at one time. He has since died. Cabbie also said that his mother claims that Elmer was married and was cheating on his wife when she slept with him. Gary said he could try and locate Cabbie's father through the same service they found his mother but it would cost them another $3000. Attorney Dominic Barbara called in and told them to just get a DNA test done instead. Gary said he'd check into that and see what he could find out about getting that done.
Howard was talking about not even having Jim Florentine come in because he couldn't really interview him. Jim ended up coming in anyway though. Howard took a call from a woman who was looking for a girl to hang out with but she's having trouble. She said she's 5'7'' tall and weighs 115 pounds. Howard told her to lose 30 pounds but Robin said it was 115 not 150. Howard was trying to talk to her but she couldn't hear his voice. He ended up bailing out on the call when she thought Howard was still talking about her when he was talking about Kathy Griffin.
Jim was barely there for a couple of minutes before Gary told Howard they had Kathy Griffin on the phone. He told Howard they could talk to her and then end the show and replay something from the other day to fill up the rest of the show. Howard took the call from Kathy a short time later.
Evil David Letterman started to tell some new jokes but Howard told him he really didn't have to do anymore material today. Howard spent a couple more minutes talking about Kathy and then asked Jim to tell his molestation story. Jim said that when he was 14 years old he used to follow pro wrestlers like Bruno Sammartino and Superstar Billy Graham and guys like that in the late 70's early 80's. He said this guy used to sell pictures outside the matches and Jim and his buddies got friendly with him. Jim said the guy would tell them that he could get them into the show and get them in the front row. He said he and his friends would go there by train and would see the guy there. He said the guy would let them come up front but then he'd have them sit on his lap. Jim said the guy would ask for a kiss to get one of the wrestling pictures. Jim said he would kiss the guy on the cheek to get the pictures. After hearing that Robin asked Jim if he likes guys. Jim said ''no'' but the story sounded kind of strange because he was already 14 years old. Jim said the guy even came over to his house one time. Jim told the guys that the guy once nibbled on his ear at one of the wrestling shows and that's when he thought it was weird. Then he said the guy came over to his house one night but he was already in bed. Jim said his parents let him stay in the guest room and when Jim woke up the next morning the guy had his hand down his pants. He asked the guy what he was doing and the guy said he was trying to show him a magic trick. He said he was going to put his thumb up through the underwear. He said he told his brother about it later that day and they ended up kicking him out of the house and beat the crap out of him when they brought him to the bus station. He said they beat him until he got on the bus. Jim said they heard a couple of months later that the guy got arrested for molesting 33 kids. Howard joked that they had tape of Jim getting molested and played an audio clip from Joe Rogan's gay weight lifter bit. Howard goofed on Jim about the story for a minute after he told it and then took a break.
After the break Howard spent a little more time with Jim and then moved on to Robin's news. Jim stuck around to comment on the news.
Howard said he got a ton of e-mail complaining about him complaining about being sick yesterday. He said the audience sucks because all he was trying to do was explain why he wasn't talking that much during the show. He said he had a ton of stuff to talk about yesterday but he just couldn't get it out. Artie said he had a bunch of people asking him who Renee Zellinger was because Evil Dave kept mispronouncing Renee Zellweger's name during the show. Howard said it's funny how some people love him and some people hate him. Howard said he tries to gauge what they do by the e-mail they get about it but he's decided against that because it's probably just the same 7 guys writing them. He went on to read some of the e-mail they've gotten lately. One guy wrote in about Artie and said that he'd better not bet on the Raiders in the Super Bowl. The guy also called Artie some names that Howard couldn't repeat. Other e-mailers complained about Howard always complaining about stuff. Howard said he got some mail about the comments he made about Lara Flynn Boyle looking cute in the tutu she wore to the Golden Globe awards. He said he also had e-mail from people asking for Howard to repeat the ''American Idol'' bit they did with the judges from the show the other day. Howard said the season premiere of the show got amazing ratings the other night. Howard and Robin ended up talking about ''Star Search'' after that and some of the lame guests they have on that show. Howard said he also got some mail about the ''Lord of the Anal Ring Toss'' shows that they've been showing on E! this week. He said people love it. One guy wrote in and complained about Artie's bald spot. Some people wrote in and said they love the way Fred goofs on John the Stutterer when he calls in. Howard said Fred's impression is great and it seems to make John stutter even more. Howard read a couple of e-mails about the Napier brothers who evaluated a woman yesterday. Some people loved them and some didn't. Other people mailed Howard about the Crazy Cabbie story they heard yesterday. Cabbie may be his partner Cane's half brother. They can't wait to find out when they do the DNA test. Howard went through a few e-mails about Evil David Letterman. Some people wrote in how much they love him and some wrote in to tell him not to have him on anymore.
Howard said he stayed home yesterday with his daughter who was also sick. He spent a few minutes telling Robin about how busy she is with school these days. Howard and Robin talked about how some people push their kids so hard in school that the kids end up killing themselves. Robin told Howard about one kid who was so afraid that his parents would see his grades that he burned his report card. He lit it on fire, threw it out his window and accidentally burned his house down.
Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about how he saw Lizzie Grubman at Nobu the other night when he was out. He said she has a great body and nice hair but her face is a little bit busted.
Howard took a call from a guy who was complaining that Howard never told us who he banged after his divorce. Howard said if people can figure out the show, they can figure out who he banged. He mentioned Angie Everhart's name but only because she mentioned him in an interview she did. Howard told Robin that she could figure them out and has figured some of them out.
Another caller told Howard that Imus is looking really bad lately. Howard went off on him for a few seconds before the caller asked Robin if she needed a date this weekend. Howard told him she has a boyfriend so she doesn't need a date. He wasn't even aware that she has a boyfriend. Howard took another call from a guy who complained that he had those ''porch monkeys'' The Napier Brothers on the show yesterday. He then asked Howard if he could play a game. Howard told him he could and said ''guess what this sound is.'' The guy knew Howard was going to hang up on him... and he did. Howard then took his first break of the morning.
After the break Howard and Robin ended up talking about back hair and pubic hair. Howard said he shaved down most of his pubic hair the other day when Beth went to L.A. To do some work. Stuttering John got in on the conversation and said he likes for his wife to be pretty clean down there. Howard said that guys do the same thing to women if they don't shave down. Robin said now that Howard has mentioned it, it sounds like a good idea to remove it. Howard said he's been going to this place Completely Bare to get his back hair removed and it's working out pretty well. He told Robin that he's getting hair removed from the tops of his shoulders and the backs of his arms. Howard and Artie talked about those kids they grew up with who got body hair way too young. Howard said everyone knows at least one person like that. Howard said his friend Dr. Lou was one of those guys. That led to the guys talking about banging chicks. John said he once had a one night stand with a stripper and she ended up bringing him back to meet her parents for breakfast. Howard said he dated a woman who fed him her ''The Zone'' diet food when he was over at her place. Howard said she didn't have anything to eat after she gave him her food. Howard said she must have really dug him to have done that. Howard said the food was delivered to her place. John thought this was back in Howard's college days so Artie told him there was no ''zone'' back then. This was after his divorce. Howard said he remembered hooking up with her too. He explained how he was out dancing and met this chick. He drove her home and she ended up asking him what she could do to convince him to stay with her. He asked her what she meant and she stripped down to just a belly chain. Howard said he went out and told his driver to just pick him up the next morning. Howard told the guys that the woman was ''more than a model'' so Stuttering John wanted to know what else she was. Howard wouldn't give any details other than the fact that she was a brunette. He joked that her initials were S.M. and then let it out that it was Suzanna, John's wife. Howard said Ronnie the Limo Driver was there that night. Ronnie came in and said that the woman really was hot. He came in smiling like he'd banged her himself. Howard said there was a situation going on that didn't let them see each other again. Gary came in and said he knew the whole story because he got it from the limo driver the next morning. Howard said it's no big deal and told John to just forget it. Howard said he never told anyone else about it either. Even Ralph doesn't know about it.
Howard changed the subject and talked about ''The Bachelorette'' for a little while. He didn't see it but had John and Robin talking about it. They said all of the guys were being really fake on the show with Trista. John told Howard that Trista dumped ''the fat guy.'' John saw it and told Howard about some of the stuff that went on. John said she had to pick a final 4 last night. He told Howard which guys she picked and they talked about that for a little while. Howard said he thinks that this guy Charlie is going to win. He said the guy who looks the best and has the best job will win.
Gary asked Howard if he watches ''Meet My Folks.'' Howard said he doesn't see it that much so Gary told him about what they did the other night. He said this guy and one of the girls on the show were out in the backyard of his parents house dry humping. Then the show rings the fax machine in the parents room and tells them to turn on their TV if they want to see what they son is up to. Robin and Howard said they do stuff like that all the time on that show. Howard had to take another break after that discussion.
Howard moved on to talk about R. Kelly being arrested after cops found pictures of him allegedly having sex with underage girls. Howard talked about that for a short time. He said he's just asking to be caught though because he videotapes himself with these underage girls.
Howard changed subjects and said that he can't wait to get his hands on the new Lisa Marie Presley album. He said she even has songs on there about Scientology. He ended up doing his Elvis impression for a few minutes after bringing that up.
Howard said he's been watching all of the reality TV shows lately. He said ''The Bachelorette'' is really hot. Robin said they find a way to get her into a bikini every week. Howard said you can tell she's in this show for her career, not to find a guy to marry.
Howard said they missed Larry King last night and he had his wife on. He went on to say that they have a new ''Man vs. Beast'' on FOX tonight.
Howard brought up Radio Shack and how they ask for your name and address when you check out. Howard said he got a letter from them a couple of months ago that he never read. He said he pulled it out today to read it. They claim that they don't ask for that stuff anymore because so many people complained about it. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about how ridiculous it was when they'd ask for all of your information.
Howard took a call from this guy Melvin who claims he has sex with his sister. He said it's the only sex he ever had too. Melvin described his sister to Howard and said they want to come on his show to meet him. The guy sounded like he was retarded or something so Howard and Robin asked him some questions about his life. It turned out to be a scam though. The guy broke character and said it was a pretty good scam.
Howard took another call from a guy who wanted to challenge Gary in ''Stump The Booey'' and he'd eat his own crap if he lost. Howard said he doesn't think he really wants to see that though.
Howard said he has a trip to give away to go see Jimmy Kimmel's new show out in L.A. The person also gets to meet Gary Dell'Abate.
Howard took a call from a guy who told a story about being in jail for a date rape he didn't commit. Howard said the guy's voice may have had something to do with him getting put in jail. He had a slow southern drawl that Howard thought made him sound guilty. Howard goofed on the guy for a short time. The guy told Howard that the woman claims she had 9 orgasms during the rape. Howard wondered why she called the cops on him if she had 9 orgasms. The guy wasn't sure why she did that. Dominic Barbara called in and said that date rape is very hard to defend. He told Howard a story about a case he had and how hard it was to defend. Howard and Dominic argued about whether the guy could be guilty or not. The guy told them that he was convicted of another crime that had nothing to do with rape though. The guy who called in said that he has a book that he's written but he doesn't have a publisher. He said the name of the book is ''Chameleon'' and he's looking to get it published. Howard got off the phone a short time after he plugged the book. Howard took another commercial break after the call.
Howard said he's coming in to promote this tape where he boxes a white dude. Gary told Howard he could hear them trying to start the bike out in the hallway. Howard had him go out and get a microphone on him. You could hear them kicking it over and eventually starting. You could hear the motor rev up as he rode into the studio. Robin thought it was pretty funny. Howard was calling him Evil KaBeetle. The bike was tiny and it had Beetlejuice's name on it. Howard said it was worth the wait to see him ride in on the thing. Beetle had a couple of women in there with him too. Brandy and Alicia were there to help him promote this tape. Beetle was staying pretty quiet this morning. He said sometimes he gets depressed and today he wasn't talking. He said he had a lot on his mind. He was concerned about Iraq from what Howard heard. Howard asked him what he was in to promote this morning. Beetle wasn't even sure what it was. Howard asked the girls if they were going to get naked this morning. They said they're not up for that. Howard said he thinks the problem with Beetlejuice was that he's not drunk. Howard tried to find out what was on Beetle's mind because it was bothering him that he was so quiet and upset. Beet would only say that he just thinks too much.
Howard said he saw this tape where Beetlejuice boxes this white dwarf and it's pretty funny. Howard said the white dude beat Beetlejuice up. Beet said he wasn't getting beaten up though. He said he was just laughing at the white guy. Alicia said that she boxes in a bikini on this tape and Brandy said she's a ring card girl. She said she's also part of Alicia's entourage. Howard said there's some other boxing matches on the tape. It turns out it's going to be on In Demand Pay-Per-View this Saturday at 9pm. It's called ''Tough Maniacs.'' You can find out more at ToughManContest.com. Howard said you can also check out JollyDwarf.com.
Howard said that Beetle looked like he'd smoked pot or something. Beetle finally admitted that's what he did and that's why he had the glazed look on his face.
KC came in and told Howard that Drunken Jamie also wanted to come in and pitch a movie to him. Howard let him come in even though he didn't think it was that great of an idea. Jamie came in and told Howard about this script he read and explained it to Howard. He wanted to know if Howard would produce the movie. In the movie Beetlejuice would be a seeing eye midget for a blind wrestler. Howard didn't seem too interested in the idea though. Jamie also suggested giving Beetlejuice his own reality TV show. Howard said he's already thought about that but he's not sure if the public is ready for him. He said when he puts Beet on the E! show he gets low ratings for some reason. Howard said he's fascinated by Beetlejuice and doesn't understand why they don't get ratings with him. Howard sent Jamie out of the studio and said he'd talk to him off the air about the movie.
Howard spent a couple more minutes with Beetlejuice trying to figure out what was wrong with him today. Artie said he thinks Beetlejuice probably gets some great weed. Beet said he does get some good stuff.
The girls told Howard they got temporary tatoos with Howard's name on them but they washed off in the bath tub last night. Howard gave them a couple more plugs and then wrapped up the segment.
Howard asked the girls that were in if they would like to date guys with all of those tattoos on them. One of the girls said she doesn't like tattoos and wouldn't date them. The other one said she likes tattoos but they've gone a little far.
Howard signed the guys but said they'll eventually get sick of those tattoos and regret ever doing it. Howard asked if he could write something stupid on their arms like ''I'm a retard'' or something like that. They asked him not to do it. They also said that they'd take Gary's autograph but Fred's they didn't really want. They didn't want Benjy's either. Howard said he'd sign them during the commercial break. He wrapped up with Beetlejuice and the girls too as he went to break.
Howard spent a few minutes talking to Robert about his stand-up career and stuff like that. They talked about other comedians and how they like to goof on them when they suck. Howard asked Bob who he thinks really wasn't very good but became famous. He mentioned Rick Rockwell's name and said that he once hit on his wife at a club. Bob said he told Rick that was his wife but Rick gave her his number anyway. Howard asked Bob what he thinks of Carrot Top too. Bob said Carrot Top is actually a great guy and he's had some fun with him. He always has great stories to tell when he comes in and today was no different. He told Howard that he was visiting Universal Studios with his 3 year old son and ended up getting kicked out. He said they were doing a sound stage tour and his son had to pee. He ended up taking his son under a curtain into the next sound stage so he could let him pee in a cup he had with him. The son was holding Bob's head in one hand and his own penis in the other. As this was happening the curtain opened and the tour came into that sound stage. He said they took them away on a golf cart and kicked them out. Bob told Howard he told them it wasn't what they thought but they kicked him out anyway.
Bob also talked about his battle with cancer. He said he's been in remission for the past 2 years and he's doing well. Bob was at the Knicks game last night and one of the players took a shot and then puked on the floor. He said they had to take a 9 minute break to clean it up. He talked a little bit about his family and girlfriend. He said he's still with the same woman he's been with for a few years now. He said she's 29 years old now and he really does love her. Howard asked him if he can still have sex with her. He seemed to hesitate for a few seconds but then said ''yes.'' Robin picked up on the hesitation and asked him if he was telling the truth. He said he was telling the truth and is able to have sex even after the chemotherapy.
Howard took a phone call from this person by the name of Roberta. Howard asked the person, who was claiming to be a woman, if she was previously ''Robert.'' Roberta said she used to be a man. She told Howard what she was but Howard interrupted her to play a clip from ''American Idol'' because he said it was hard to tell what this person was. He ended up talking about Paula Abdul being so lame the way she comes off on the show. Robin also mentioned the guy who sang ''My Girl'' the other night. She said she wasn't really able to tell what that was either.
Howard got back to Roberta and she offered to come down to show Howard her fake vagina. Howard said it's always weird to see stuff like that because it looks so bizarre. He told Bob that he's putting some of this stuff on his uncensored E! show videos. Howard said the fake vaginas don't clean themselves so the dude has to douche it to clean it. Howard asked Roberta if she tells guys that she's not a real woman. She said that when guys go down on her they tell her there's something strange down there. That's when she tells them that she used to be a dude. She told Howard that guys with small penises don't have a problem having sex with her but the larger guys, like black dudes, are difficult. She said the prefer to use her butt instead.
Howard asked Roberta if there's anything on her that he'd find attractive. She said that he might find her implants attractive. She told Howard she's a little overweight at 180 pounds. She also told him that she's 50 years old. Howard also asked her if she can have an orgasm. She said that she can if she likes the guy. Howard said he doesn't believe that though. Roberta told Howard that she looks kind of like Charo when she's all dressed up. Howard asked her if they call her ''Scarro'' when she's all dressed up. KC came in and told Howard that they could fit her in tomorrow around 7am. Howard told her to come in at 6:30. Howard wrapped up that call and moved on to play a Homeless game to give away tickets to go see ''Jimmy Kimmel Live.''
Howard finally got to this guy Greg who wanted to play the homeless game. Howard played a warm up clip and let Greg hear how smart the guy was. The homeless guy knew what the Super Bowl but he almost said ''basketball.'' Howard ended up talking about how the rights to the term ''Super Bowl'' is copyrighted and people will get sued if they use it without permission. Howard got back to the game after that short discussion. Greg had to guess whether or not the guy would answer correctly. If he got 3 out of 5 right he'd win the trip. Here are the questions and the homeless guy's answers:
Howard brought up Mariah Carey and how wacky she is. He said he read that she went shopping in New York City in a mini-skirt and a short sleeve shirt even though it was only about seven degrees there. He said he feels sorry for her because she just wanted to look hot.
Howard had one last Homeless game question to play. It was ''How many eggs are in a dozen?'' and the homeless guy gave the correct answer of 12. Howard had to take another break so he gave Bob another plug for his web site and CD ''Unprotected'' which is out now.
After the break Howard had Bob tell the story about the basketball player puking during the Knicks game last night. Bob told him that they couldn't figure out who should clean up the mess after he puked. They eventually had some guys come out to mop it up but the puke was just being sloshed around on the court. Bob said the guy really puked a lot too. He said it looked like half a bucket full.
Howard's voice was starting to go off at this point in the show. He asked Bob how his daughter who wants to bang him is doing. Bob said the other day a guy pulled up to a light while he was doing an interview and asked him if he had any tips on how to bang his daughter. Bob didn't answer him of course.
Howard moved on to Robin's news after that. Bob hung around to comment on the news stories.
Robin and Howard spent some time talking about President Bush and how he's really a slaker who doesn't care about stuff he doesn't know about. They talked about that for a couple of minutes and then Howard asked Robin who said this quote: ''I'll put an end to an idea that the body of a woman belongs to her. The practice of abortion shall be exterminated with a strong hand.'' No one was sure about it so Howard revealed it was Adolf Hitler. He brought that up after Howard mentioned how President Bush should do something about these anti-abortion nuts who are trying to get the Roe vs. Wade thing reversed.
Howard took a couple of phone calls to kill some time. One guy called in and said it was nice and warm out in San Diego where he was at. In New York it's in the teens. The guy told Howard he should have planned a show out there so he could be warm too. That led to the guys talking about the Super Bowl for a couple of minutes. The guys ended up betting on the game with each other. Howard and Gary are taking Oakland while Robin and Stuttering John are taking Tampa Bay. Artie is also in on the betting and he's taking Tampa Bay. They started betting on things like the coin toss too. KC came in and said he wants to take Oakland also. Gary said he's already up $500 because he's going to beat the guy who's coming in to play ''Stump the Booey'' later this morning. Stuttering John told Howard that the last guy who was in with his girlfriend recently cut off a finger at a construction site and his girlfriend is leaving him. Gary said if he'd just known the band Was not Was, he wouldn't be in that situation.
The guys talked about their company's stock for a little while because it's been down lower than it's ever been lately. Howard said that's because they're not sure if Mel Karmazin is staying with the company. Howard said Mel said something the other day that makes it sound like he'll be staying there. Gary asked Howard what was up with the story that Sumner Redstone wants the authority to be able to fire Mel. Howard went through a whole explanation of what that was all about. Howard said the stock market loves Mel and if he leaves it won't be good for the company.
Howard said he read a review of Carmen Electra's new ''Pussycats'' burlesque show and it was pretty bad. The show started an hour and a half late and the girls only performed for a half hour. The show cost $50. Howard said he'd pay that to see Carmen Electra dancing half naked on stage though.
Howard read an article about Viacom and how there's a rumor that Mel Karmazin would be staying with the company. Howard said he thinks that Mel will leave the company though. He had a meeting with some people from Viacom yesterday and those people seem to think that Mel will leave. Howard went on to tell a story about a guy he used to work for whose name was never mentioned in articles written about him. He used to complain about it every time he'd look through an article about Howard because he wasn't in there. He thought he should get credit for Howard's popularity. Howard went on to tell some more stories about this guy. He said he got sick for a long time and they couldn't figure out what the problem was. Howard said he hoped the guy was dying and when he came back he looked 20 years older and Howard thought his wishes were coming true. Then it turned out he'd been bitten by a tick on the top of his head and he had Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. He was treated for that and came back perfectly healthy. Howard said the guy didn't change after that either. Stuttering John asked Howard if he ever had a good general manager in his career. Howard said that Wally Clark was the best one he ever had. He told the guys about how great Wally was. Gary asked him if there were any other good ones. Howard said he likes Bob Moore out in L.A. He also said Randy Baumgarten is another guy he likes. Howard then went through a bunch of bad G.M.s that he's worked for. He mentioned a few names and threw Tom Chiusano in there. He said that Tom seems to think he had something to do with him being hired at the company but it was all Mel Karmazin.
Gary told Howard that Tom almost made him cry one time over business. Gary told the story and basically told him that it wasn't his fault that Gary was getting married so he didn't deserve a raise just for that reason. Tom ended up calling in to defend himself about what Howard said about him not wanting him to be hired there. Tom said he supported that decision all along. Howard got off the phone and called Tom a ''cancerous snake'' as soon as he hung up.
Howard mentioned the names of a few of the worst G.M.s he's worked with. He said Goff Labar, John Hayes and Dom Fiorvante were the top 3 worst. Gary told him he left out a few others who were pretty bad but Howard said he didn't even know those guys, they were just messing with the show from a distance. Howard had to take a break after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who thought he saw Howard out with some black chick yesterday. Howard said he went home to rest after the show so it wasn't him. The guy said it sure looked like him though.
Another phone caller asked Howard what was up with Dr. Laura's mother getting murdered. Howard said he doesn't know anything about it. He went on to talk about what a joke it is that Dr. Laura goes on TV to give people advice on family when she didn't even get along with her own family. Howard told a story about how Dr. Laura had her mother working for her but when she refused to learn how to type, she fired her and never spoke to her again. Robin said Dr. Laura's story is different and she claims that her mother quit. Howard said that she didn't even follow her own advice when it comes to family so she's a hypocrite.
Howard mentioned that they were going to have Roberta the Transsexual in after the next commercial break. KC then came in and told him that she was wearing a ton of perfume and was stinking up the hallway so much that he could taste it. Howard told him that they should probably keep her at the microphone farthest from him so he doesn't have to smell it himself.
Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about some of the wacky names of some of the football players on the Tampa Bay and Oakland teams. They goofed on them for a couple of minutes. Howard said you can find those names on SuperStarNames.com
Howard said he never heard anything going on with his parents. Artie said that he once walked in on his parents having sex when he was 11 years old. They didn't know it though and he just walked out. He said his parents never knew but now his mother probably knows.
Before the break Howard said he was going to use the questions they use on ''Inside the Actors Studio'' to interview Roberta. Gary told Howard that Roberta used to be hot but now she's a little overweight at 180 pounds. Howard said she didn't look that fat. Gary said she looked like a woman from where he was standing. Howard asked her a few questions and said she wasn't black like he thought she was. Gary said she looks like a woman who could be working there at the station in accounting or something. Howard said he could see how guys could get confused about her not being a real woman. Howard asked her if they could see the fake vagina. She was a little hesitant though. She told Howard about her drinking and how she has a lot of guilt about her family and stuff like that. Roberta said she has 4 sisters and 2 brothers. She also said that her mother hates her. She told stories about her mother mistreating her and dressing her up as a girl when he was little. Gary asked her why she did that. Roberta said her mother wanted a girl back then and that's why she did it. But now that she's a woman(?) her mother hates her.
Roberta told Howard that she's a struggling artist who does self portraits... but not of herself. She said she does portraits of other people. Howard asked her where she got this fake vagina. She told Howard how she raised the money to get the operation to get her penis shoved inside her body. Roberta told Howard that she's miserable because she can't be with large penis men. She has to stick with small ones because her fake vagina can't take it. She said she gives oral to guys to find out if they have small penises or not. Roberta claims that she also has lesbian sex sometimes.
Howard asked Gary if they could give her some money to show her vagina. Gary said they didn't have much but they could give her $100 courtesy of iWon.com. Howard wanted to give her more so they upped it to $300. Roberta said she wants to get her teeth fixed with the money. She said she lost them from using drugs. She said the drugs ate up the calcium and she lost them all.
Howard had KC help Roberta out getting her clothes off. Artie was yelling ''Oh my God!'' when she started to strip down. He said she looked like Lou Costello. She had hairy legs so Howard wondered why. She said she used to bleach her hair but she didn't have a chance to do it. Gary told Howard he'd seen enough and wanted to leave the studio while she stripped down. Artie said it was starting to effect him to. Robin said that breast implants usually look better than what she was seeing. Roberta said they were 20 years old so that's why they looked bad. Howard gave iWon.com a plug for supplying the money for this. Everyone was disgusted by what they saw. Robin said ''Oh dear!'' when she saw it. Stuttering John was gagging and sounded like he was going to puke. Howard had Roberta lay on the floor to show her gash. That freaked everyone out even more. Artie said that he's going to be down to 170 pounds in a week because he's not going to be eating after seeing that.
Howard spent some more time talking to Roberta but she said something that got the delay button hit. Howard plugged iWon.com again and wrapped up the segment. Howard said Roberta's fake vagina looked better than Nicole Bass' real one. Robin agreed with that statement because she's the one who actually saw Nicole's. Roberta was getting a little upset after Howard kept calling her vagina a ''mutilation.'' She said that's just his opinion about it and that's not what she wants to hear. Howard calmed her down a bit but KC came in and said she used to be a whore so she shouldn't be getting so upset. Howard told KC to get out and told Roberta that he's gay anyway. Howard told her to go wait in the green room and Stuttering John would come out and do some whip-its with her. She kept getting upset and started to walk out a bunch of times. Artie offered to give her another $100 because he felt bad. Howard told her they were going to give her $1000 instead of the $300. Howard said he thought she was going to jump out a window. KC said he couldn't believe she didn't know what was going to happen when she came in today. He said she was the one who called Howard and offered to come down to show her fake vagina. Gary called KC ''inhuman'' and attempted to stop him from saying anymore. He said KC had a woman standing next to him crying and he was calling her a whore. Stuttering John said he almost threw up when he saw it. John said he wasn't trying to insult her though. Artie said he'll never eat another baked clam after seeing that. He also said it makes him wonder if there is a real God because if there is, he doesn't distribute things evenly. He wondered how Brad Pitt can have everything he has and Roberta has what she has. Nicole Bass called in and said that her vagina looks much better now because she's shaved it. She wondered if Robin wanted to see it again. Howard said he wants to see it but she doesn't want to show it to him. Howard said he still thinks Roberta's looks better. Henry Hill was on the line to give his Super Bowl pick but Howard had to take a break.
Howard said he got a lot of feedback about the guy who called in saying that he was being falsely accused of date rape. Howard said that there are a lot of guys who claim they've been falsely accused of the same thing.
Howard said someone told him that his book ''Private Parts'' was on a top 100 books of all time list. Howard quickly went through some other stuff. He said he saw a picture of Jennifer Aniston where she looked pretty good. Robin said she saw that picture and her legs didn't look all that great.
Howard took a call from a guy who claims that he went to school with Kitana Baker and her real name is Christy. He said she was kind of a dork in school and no one hung out with her. He said that she didn't have any boobs back then. Howard said it was obvious that she had implants. Howard hung up on him and talked about Johnny Cash's remake of ''Hurt.'' Howard said the video is disturbing because Johnny is really old and his voice is pretty much gone. Gary said Johnny is shaking in the video when he goes to pour a glass of wine. They talked about how sad it is to see that. Gary said he heard that Trent Reznor even said it was depressing. Tom Chiusano came in to ask Howard if he thought it was good. Howard said it wasn't that good. Tom said it's ''powerful'' if not good.
Howard asked to see Linsey's breasts and she let them loose a few seconds later. Howard said they have to be implants after seeing the giant triple H cups hanging there. Howard tried to get her to admit that they were real but she swore that they are real. She said she has never had any work done on them. Artie said they have the texture of real breasts. Gary checked her out pretty close and said that there were no scars under her arm or under the breast. KC said he thought they were real also.
Howard tried to get Mike Walker on the phone so he could play the gossip game but he wasn't there for some reason. Howard gave Linsey a plug for Looker Magazine because she'll be on the cover soon. You can find out more about that at LookerGirls.com. Howard spent a couple more minutes with Linsey asking her if she's ever slept with any celebrities. She mentioned Gene Simmons' name but said she didn't sleep with him. She told Howard that she was in a relationship with a soap star and some soccer stars. She also said she knows Ice T but only kissed him. Howard said she looked cute this morning.
Howard finally got Mike on the line so he got to his game. Here's how it goes.. Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
This guy Gene recently wrote a letter to the show claiming that he could blow away Gary in ''Stump the Booey.'' To play the game these days people have to bring in someone who is willing to get naked just in case they lose. This guy Gene was going to bring in his sister but she backed out. Gene brought his ex-girlfriend Andrea with him instead. Howard and the guys didn't believe that Gene ever dated this woman though. They thought she was too hot for him but they both swear that they dated. Andrea said she used to stalk Gene when she was 12 years old.
Howard sent Andrea off to the bathroom so she could disrobe just in case Gene lost. She stripped down and gave KC her clothes. She didn't had out a bra but she said she wasn't wearing one. Howard moved on to the game when they were sure she had stripped down. In ''Stump the Booey'' Howard plays songs from the 80's and the contestants have to give the name of the song and the artist. He plays 5 songs and if the person going up against Gary beats him, they win $5000. Here are the five songs: