For The Week Of 7/15/2002 to 7/19/2002

• The Best Of Stern. 7/15/02.
  The last week of Best Of Stern. Here's what we heard on today's show:
  • Howard talks to ''Al Pacino's Baby.''
  • Gary plays trumpet while James Brown sings.
  • Howard plays The Homeless Game. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 7/22/97. 7:20am
      Today was game day all right. Howard had some prizes to give away so they played some games. The first game was called ''Try to figure out what the homeless guy is going to do''! Howard had tape of interviews with homeless people. The goal for the contestant is to guess what the homeless guy's answer will be. If the contestant gets 3 out of 10 questions right then he wins a round trip ticket to Los Angeles on Tower Air. The first contestant won. He got his three answers correct after 4 of the questions. Here are some of those questions:
      1. Who is the mayor of New York? Homeless guy gave correct answer.
      2. Who are the 2 senators for New York? Homeless guy gave incorrect answer.
      3. Do you know who Gianni Versace is? Homeless guy gave correct answer.
      4. Do you know who Jon Benet Ramsey is? Homeless guy gave incorrect answer.
      Of those 4 questions the contestant got numbers 1, 2 and 4 correct so he won the round trip to L.A. Howard played the tape of the rest of the homeless interview and made bets with the rest of the crew. Here are the rest of the questions:
      • Who is the Vice President of the U.S? Homeless guy gave incorrect answer.
      • Name the TV host who cheated on his wife. Homeless guy gave incorrect answer.
      • When was the last time you took a bath. There is no good answer for this one...
      • Name one of Donald Trumps ex-wives. Homeless guy gave incorrect answer.
      • Who's buried in Grant's Tomb? Homeless guy gave incorrect answer.
      • When did Columbus discover America? Homeless guy gave incorrect answer.
      • Name 3 Jimmy Stewart movies. Homeless guy gave incorrect answer.
      So that was that for the first contest... There's more later in the show.
  • Tiny Tim visits and meets ''Swank'' model Alexa and talks about his personal hygiene habits and his new song called ''Susie Snowflake.''
  • Howard talks to a guy who gave Gary a bunch of ideas for the show while he was doing one of his Hooters appearances.
  • Howard talks to Psychic Walter Mercado about his new book. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 6/17/97. 9:10am
      This was one of those guests that made me think..''Why is he on the show? What the hell is Howard thinking?'' It was a waste of 30 minutes if you ask me. The guy is supposedly popular among Spanish people. Howard said that they worship him for some odd reason. The guy came in and made some lame predictions and rambled on about some crap about a guy he called Sy Baba, whoever the hell that is. He predicts that Al Gore will become the next President of the United States and that John Bon Jovi will become a big star because of his acting. He also claims to be able to heal people. Howard brought in Stuttering John to see if the guy could heal John's stuttering. John played along with it and said that he could feel Walter's power flowing through him.. He was just saying that of course. This psychic is more full of crap than a constipated elephant. He thought that Howard only had 2 kids but when Howard told him that he had 3 he said that he knew that but he was given bad information but he had a feeling that there were 3. So much for psychic abilities.
  • Howard talks to Author/Virgin Tara McCarthy. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 7/18/97. 7:40am
      Tara wrote a book about her sex life or lack of one as the case may be. The book ''Been There, Haven't Done That'' is about how Tara wants to remain a virgin until she's married. The thing is that she does just about everything except intercourse. She gives guys oral sex but just won't allow them to go all the way with her. Howard spoke with her about how strange that is and how she must be totally confused about sex. Howard said that the whole thing just didn't make sense to him. Robin was really coming down on her also. Tara dates guys for long periods of time and then the guy will get sick of not getting sex so he'll break up with her. Then she says that she didn't trust him anyway. Howard said that she must be testing these guys for some strange reason. Since Tara was on the phone and there was an E! camera at her house he asked her to get the cameraman on the phone. It turned out to be Doug from E!. He rated her an 8 1/2 on a scale of 1 to 10. Howard said the book is pretty good but it's just a weird lifestyle to follow. About 15 minutes after getting off the phone with Tara Howard got a call from Doug saying that Tara was upset with the way Howard and Robin treated her. Howard told Doug to get Tara and bring her down to the studio. They must have been close because she was there by 9:45. Howard spent some more time talking with her about the whole thing and I think he calmed her down. She ended up sitting in during the news.
  • Howard talks about a guy who claims to be Jim Morrison's son Cliff which leads to a discussion about cover bands.
  • The guys play a game of ''Who Would You Let Your Daughter Date?.'' An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 1/17/01. 8:40am
      Gary had a game for Howard to play today. He had a bunch of famous athletes who have been accused of committing crimes or just being abusive. He'd give Howard two names and Howard would pick one of them for his daughter to date. Then he'd take the winning names and put those up against the other winning names until he came down to one final name. Here are the names Gary gave:
      • Darryl Strawberry - Latrell Sprewell
      • Anthony Mason - Charles Barkley
      • Lawrence Taylor - Bill Romanowski
      • Ray Lewis - O.J. Simpson
      • Kevin Mitchell - Mark Gastineau
      • John Rocker - Mike Tyson
      • Lawrence Phillips - Andre Rison
      • Albert Belle - Mark Chmura
      Howard hesitantly picked one of the two and whittled it down to John Rocker and Charles Barkley. Howard said he'd go with Barkley if he had to make the decision. Then the conversation changed to who on the show would he want his daughter to date. Howard said that Fred is too strange and Stuttering John is a slob so it would come down to Jackie or Gary. He said he'd have to go with Jackie because he's a nicer guy and he just couldn't imagine Gary on top of his daughter.

      KC came in and asked if Howard would pick him or Benjy for his daughter. He went with KC but when it was between KC and Jackie, he went back to Jackie because he wouldn't want KC pissing or crapping on his daughter like he did to his own girlfriend. That led to a discussion about ''ass play'' or anal sex as most would call it. They spent a couple of minutes discussing that mess and why Gary's wife doesn't let him do it any more. Stuttering John revealed that Gary's wife goofs on him when they go out to dinner. She makes fun of him when he tells his stories and stuff like that. Howard said that just isn't right. He takes enough abuse at work, he doesn't need it at home too.

      They got back to 'who would you let...'' when someone asked Howard ''Crazy Cabbie or Ralph?'' Howard said he'd go with Ralph on that one. Then it was between Gary's friend Ross or Ralph. Howard went with Ross. KC asked if Howard would rather have his daughter be a lesbian than sleep with any of these guys. Howard said he would prefer that so then it came down between Rosie O'Donnell and Oprah Winfrey. Oprah won out on that one. Howard said he's heard too many bad things about Rosie.

      Howard had one last complication in the questioning. When he was asked to pick between Ross and Jackie he said he'd pick Ross but if he had to choose between Ross and Gary he'd go with Gary.. but then he wouldn't take Gary over Jackie. It was all too confusing for Howard so he gave up and went to commercial.

• The Best Of Stern. 7/16/02.
  Here's what we heard on today's show:
  • ''The Brooklyn Dating Service'' commercial parody.
  • The Wallflowers perform ''One Headlight.''
  • Howard talks to an 11 year old kid about dating and about how hot his mother is.
  • Howard sends Stuttering John down to Dallas to tell people they're being taken off the air. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 7/22/97. 7:50am
      Stuttering John went down to Dallas to say goodbye to the listeners and fans for Howard. He was at a train station telling people that Howard isn't going to be on anymore and interviewing them about that fact. Later in the show he was at a McDonald's doing the same. A few people who got on the phone were a little upset but some people really didn't care. Howard had John head over to KEGL to get a statement from management. Howard got back to him around 9:05.
    • 7/22/97. 9:05am
      Stuttering John had to make his way into the KEGL building without his camera crew. Security at the building wouldn't let him in with the camera so he just brought his cellular phone up. He made his way up to the 14th floor and tried to get into the station to ask someone to make a statement. Some guy in the research department wouldn't let him in. John spent about 5 minutes trying to reason with the guy but he wouldn't give in. Howard told John that he's technically an employee of the station so they should let him in. The guy still wouldn't budge. Howard wanted John to go in and interview the board operator to see what the guy's going to do after the show goes off the air. John finally made it to the board op's door but that guy was still blocking him. After a while a cop and some security guys showed up where John was at to kick him out. John tried to reason with security and the cop but it was no good. He never got a statement.
    • 7/22/97. 9:45am
      Audrey, from KEGL Public Relations, called Howard and tried to give some lame explanations about why John wasn't allowed in. At the time John was there the offices weren't open so they kicked him out. She invited him to come back later in the morning so that he could talk to whoever he wanted to but Howard said it was too late. Then Howard talked to the woman about the way they're handling the canceling of the show. They're saying that Howard isn't bringing in enough money to justify his six figure salary. Howard kept telling the woman that they should be telling people ''NO COMMENT'' instead of bad mouthing him. She just stayed calm and tried to smooth things over with him. She just didn't get it. He did some role playing with her to see what she'd say to people if they asked why Howard was being taken off the air. Each time she'd give the wrong answer like ''we're changing to an all rock format..''. All Howard wants is for her to say ''NO COMMENT''. He must have spent 20 minutes pounding that into her head. It would be interesting to find out if they're saying that yet.
  • Howard plays the ''Hooters Game'' with a crazy caller. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 1/18/01. 7:45am
      (snipped)The caller was still on the line so Howard decided to play a game of Hooters Girl Trivia where the caller has to guess if the Hooters girl can answer correctly. Howard played the intro for the girl and we found out that she's 18 years old and hasn't been to college yet. Her name was Lindy and she was Miss May in the Hooters Calendar. Howard told the guy he had to get 3 out of 5 correct to win. The guy just missed winning so Howard gave him 3 more.. and he lost again. Then Howard gave him one last chance and he got it correct. Here are the questions:

      Question	Caller Says	Hooters Girl Answer	Correct?
      What is 10% of 200?	N	No idea	N
      Is Australia a city or a continent?	N	Continent	Y
      What country is the Eiffel tower in?	N	Paris, France	Y
      What does a Proctologist examine?	N	No idea	N
      How many seconds are in 3 minutes?	Y	Not good at math	N
      In what state would you find New Orleans?	N	Louisiana	Y
      What does a seismograph measure?	N	Don't know	N
      The 3 states of matter are Solid, Liquid and..	N	Gas	Y
      NYPD stands for what?	Y	New York Police Department	Y

      After winning the trip the guy freaked out and somehow hung up the phone. It sounded like he may have yanked the phone out of the wall or something. During the whole game the guy kept saying that he's never been out of New York and this trip would be the best thing ever. He kept saying ''Oh my God'' through the whole game also. He also said he'd kill himself if he didn't win. That's probably why Howard gave him so many chances. The trip was to New Orleans to the WWF Royal Rumble pay-per-view event that's happening on January 21. The flight was courtesy of Priceline.com.
  • Howard plays Black Jeopardy with King of all Blacks, Big Black and Tineen Howard. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 2-21-96. Every year Howard likes to take part in Black History month so he does his version of the game show, Jeopardy. Today's contestants were Big Black the black nerd, King of All Blacks, and Tineen Howard the guy who was recently arrested in front of the governors mansion in Virginia with a gun...he was also yelling out 'Howard Stern is the king of all media'. So you can see that we have quite a collection of wacky people. Big Black was 'sipping' on a 40oz. Malt Liquor to make himself seem more like a real black man. Uzo the big breasted sex kitten was also in to turn over the Jeopardy question cards. King of All Blacks spent his whole morning goofing on Big Black's look and his glasses. Howard was dressed in his big afro wig and goofy glasses. They went through the usual black questions and came down to the Final Jeopardy. The question was: 'How do you spell Cochran?'. Big Black came out the winner with 230 points, King of All Blacks had 80 points and Tineen had 210 points. Uzo tried to spell the word but was unsuccessful. She spelled it Cockran. How is her spelling on Prodigy? Big Black came away with a $500 gift certificate for Tops Appliance. Everyone came away a winner when Howard gave gift certificates to all three goofballs. Big Black wants to become an entertainer and put the word out that he's up for hire. King of All Blacks told Big Black to sing a little of 'Ben' for us and he screeched out a tune.
  • Howard complains about Ronnie the Limo Driver driving him in his truck instead of the limo. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 3/5/01. 6:05am
      Howard was trying to talk about the snow storm that's hitting New York today but his microphone kept cutting out. He was talking about how much hype there has been about the storm and how little it's actually dumped on the city. Howard said the news reports kept saying that there would be a foot or two of snow by today but there's only a little bit down. Howard said Ronnie the limo driver left the limo at home and drove his big SUV in to pick up Howard. Howard wanted him to go home and get the limo because there wasn't that much snow on the ground. Ronnie told Howard he was just prepared for the worst. People are panicking about the storm and a lot of stuff has been closed already and there's hardly any snow.

• The Best Of Stern. 7/17/02.
  Here's what we heard on today's show:
  • ''Ben Stern'' phony phone call to TV talk show host.
  • David Bowie performs ''I'm Afraid of Americans.''
  • Doug Flutie and his band perform against The Losers. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 1/18/01. 8:45am
      Football player Doug Flutie and his band The Flutie Brothers came in to compete against Howard and The Losers in a Battle of the Bands. Howard says that he thinks celebrities shouldn't be in bands unless they're actually musicians. He has competed against Tina Yothers and others and has won. Howard warned Doug about this and said that this isn't a set up. The judges will be judging the bands on their performance and will decide if they should be in the music business at all.

      Howard said that Doug made a phone call to Brother Wease up in Syracuse while he was in the green room. Doug said that Wease has been a good friend of his for quite while so he called in to the show this morning. Flutie also said that he's a very conservative guy and Howard scares him.

      Howard introduced the three judges who were:

      • Chris Schwartz - CEO of Rough Nation records
      • John Tita - Senior VP of Warner Chaplan records
      • Michael Caplan - Senior VP of Epic Records
      Howard had Scores girls dance while he and The Losers performed their version of ''Bang a Gong'' for everyone. They weren't all that bad and Howard was psyched to beat The Flutie Brothers today. Howard took some phone calls and most of them were very positive. People were saying that The Losers have gotten really good and Flutie has a lot to worry about. Gary even told Howard that they have an amazing ability to suck just minutes before playing and then they pull it off. The Flutie Brothers needed time to set up so Howard took a break before continuing.

      After the break Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to Doug before they performed. Doug gave his prediction for the Super Bowl too. He said it'll be Giants 17-10.

      The Flutie Brothers then performed a song called ''Roller'' by April Wine. Howard gave them the use of the Scores dancers to make things fair. The Flutie Brothers sounded pretty decent but the song wasn't the best one to pick. The Judges seemed to agree. Chris Schwartz said that based on presentation he'd have to go with The Losers even though The Flutie Brothers were technically better. He said if he wanted to sell records, he'd have to go with The Losers. The Fluties were pissed and said that this was a setup. Howard then let John Tita give his evaluation. John said that The Fluties' vocals and guitar were great but, once again, The Losers had a better presentation so they got his vote. Last up was Michael Caplan. He also went with The Losers even though the Fluties played better. He said that Howard has ''it'' with his charismatic personality and that's what would sell records.

      The Flutie Brothers were upset over the loss but Howard insists that this wasn't a setup. He then let the record company guys plug their stuff and let Doug plug his web sites FlutieBrothers.com and DougFlutie.org which will bring you to the band web site and the autism organization that Flutie has.

      After taking another break Howard took a call from some other record company guy who said that one of the judges called him and said he wants to sign The Losers. Howard said he would never do that because they're making fun of these celebrity bands so it would be hypocritical of them to sign.

  • Stuttering John, Mike Gange and Steve Grillo argue about John subbing out his apartment. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 2-21-96. Mike Gange and Steve Grillo are losing their home. Stuttering John has been subbing out his NYC apartment to Mike and Steve but John's landlord want's John evicted. From what I gather, John isn't supposed to be renting his apartment out to anyone and the landlord found out about Mike and Steve. John, Mike and Steve got in to a huge yelling match late this morning about this matter. Grillo thinks that John can't throw him out because he doesn't have any where else to go. That's not John's problem. Mike seems to understand this but he doesn't really want to move out either. All three say that they have lawyers trying to stop the eviction but one of the lawyers called in and told them all to shut up because they're all ruining the case.
  • A guy who lost his arms in a hay bailing accident calls Howard for help getting a woman. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 6/19/97. 6:40am
      A guy called Howard this morning to ask for some help getting a woman. His main problem is that he lost both of his arms in a farm accident a few years ago. He said that he was helping his grandfather bail hay. He went to clear out a blockage in the bailer and it snagged one of his arms. He tried get the arm out but the machine got both of his arms. The guy went on to tell Howard how he gets himself off now that he doesn't have arms. He said that he uses a watermelon. He somehow cuts a hole in the mellon and uses it as a woman!
  • Howard talks to Uzo about her ''massage club'' during Lynn Snowden's interview. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 6/18/97. 7:20am
      (Snipped)Uzo came in during Lynn's segment to talk to Howard about her massage club out in Los Angeles. It's more like a whore house though because the full body massage's are sexual. Uzo was filled with all kind's of interesting stuff today. Howard noticed that she gained some weight and as it turns out, she was pregnant but lost the baby. She actually went to a sperm bank and got pregnant! She got the sperm of a Nigerian man which surprised Howard because she's said in the past that she doesn't really like the looks of black people. She lost the baby but said she may try again. She has enough money in the bank to support herself and a baby so why the hell not have one?
  • Howard interviews Kelsey Grammer and his wife while broadcasting from the E! studios in L.A. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 1/30/01. 6-7am
      (Snipped)Kelsey Grammer and his wife Camille were the first guests of the day. Howard spent some time talking to Kelsey about his Golden Globe award win and how much of a joke those awards are. Howard also wondered why Kelsey didn't thank Camille at the awards show. Camille wasn't upset that he didn't because he's done it so many times before. Howard also brought up Kelsey's house that he's seen on some news reports and magazine articles. He read that the guest house is 8000 square feet which is larger than Howard's old house on Long Island. Gary came in and said that the fact sheet they have says Camille gets an allowance of $500 a week and Kelsey gets $200. Their assistant hands out the cash. Howard figured that they have a lot of credit cards also. Howard also found out that Camille continues to have sex even when she's on her period. Howard thinks that's pretty hot. He also brought up her Irritable Bowel Syndrome and asked how that was going. Kelsey and Camille just joked about it though. Howard let Kelsey plug all of the projects that he's involved in and wrapped up the interview.
  • Gary talks about playing hockey in a charity event. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 1/8/01. 6:05am
      (Snipped)Gary played a game of Hockey over the weekend as one of his appearances. He said he's never played before so it was a new experience for him. He had a couple of pretty famous people on his team. He had Rick Moranis and wrestler Chris Jericho on his team while Jason Priestley was on the other team. There were a bunch of people who were no-shows for some reason. Gary had been promoting the appearance and people like Tim Robbins, Hillary Swank and Cuba Gooding Jr. didn't show up after they'd been mentioned as being in the game. Gary told Howard that he made a mistake while he was there. He was interviewing people and a beautiful woman who sang the National Anthem came up to him and thanked him for showing up. He asked her what she did for the Christopher Reeve foundation, which was the charity the game was being played for. She told him that she's Chris Reeve's wife Dana. He had no idea and apologized. She told him that they're fans of the E! show and that they're ''closet viewers'' of the show.

      Howard and the crew spent a few minutes talking about what the Reeves' sex life, or lack of a sex life must be like for Dana. Howard wondered if Chris lets his wife go out and bang guys who are able to get it up.

      Gary said he didn't go up to talk to Chris Reeve because he wasn't sure if he should. He said that Jason Priestley went right up to him and put his hand on him and said a couple of words.

      Gary said he wasn't awful at the game but he wasn't great either. Howard wondered if Priestley was still pissed at the show. Gary said that Priestley was trying to knock him down during the game but he wasn't trying that hard at it. The two of them did say hello to each other but Jason wouldn't do an interview with Mike Gange who was also there. Gange said that Gary fell at one point when everyone was allowed to take a free shot on goal. Howard watched the tape of it and got a quick laugh.

• The Best Of Stern. 7/18/02.
  Here's what we heard today:
  • The Losers perform ''Wipeout'' on the Magic Johnson show.
  • Stuttering John Alcoholics Anonymous phony commercial.
  • Stuttering John, Steve Grillo and Mike Gange continue to argue about John's apartment. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 2-22-96. Today's show was chock full of interns. Stuttering John, Steve Grillo and Mike Gange continued their arguing about Johns apartment. The boys still didn't want to get the hell out of John's apartment until Howard pounded some sense in to their heads. After a long and funny argument, Steve finally broke down and said that he'd move out next Monday. It seems that he may be moving in with a gay listener that offered to be his roommate for $200 a month, cheap for NYC. Gange was more stubborn. He wants to take the whole mess to the courts and fight it out there...something about squatters rights. F-Gange. Eventually he said that he'd move out by next Friday but I don't think that he was serious. We'll see.
  • Howard plays tape of Gary Garver at the American Music Awards. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 1/9/01. 7:30am
      West coast reporter Gary Garver was out at the American Music Awards last night. He managed to get interviews with Melissa Etheridge, Vertical Horizon, Outkast, Shaggy, Ja Rule, 3 Doors Down and Ricky Martin. Here's what he asked:

      Melissa Etheridge

      • How would you rate your looks on a scale of 1 to 10? - My looks.. really? Oh God, You can't ask a woman that...
      • Would you publicly denounce O.J.? - I think he's doing a good job himself, I don't need to do that.
      • You ever do a black guy? - Ever do a black guy?... You're losing man.. (Melissa walked away)

      Vertical Horizon

      • If you lost a bet and had to have sex would it be with Whoopi (Goldberg) or Rosie O'Donnell? - I'd say Whoopi but, you know, if there was a gun around maybe I'd just take myself out.

      Outkast

      • Who are you guys? - Outkast.. Straight from Atlanta, Georgia.. East point, College Point and Decatur.. ain't nobody greater.
      • Any of you guys a friend of Israel? - Who's he? - Oh yeah, most definitely.
      • Do you think Spike Lee is ignored by Oscar because he's black or because he's a crappy film maker? - Wha.. I think uh, really I don't even know.. you got me
      • Have you ever been molested? - Uh, only by two women
      • Do you expect to fart much during this long show? - Yea-uh..
      • Would you publicly denounce O.J.? - O.J.? We down with OJ.. He cool wit me.
      • Do you think homo's are born or it's a learned behavior? - I don't know nothin about that
      • If you lost a bet and had to have sex would it be with Whoopi (Goldberg) or Rosie O'Donnell? - Whoopi
      • How many dates do you have with a woman before you introduce anal sex? - I don't know nothin about all that bro.
      Someone asked where Gary was from and when he said he was from the Stern show the guys were happy to have been interviewed. They asked Gary if Howard had their ''Stankonia'' album but the guy has a heavy southern accent so Gary didn't have a clue as to what he was talking about.

      Shaggy

      • Who are you? - Huh? Me? I'm Shaggy.. Yeah, I'm the partner for Scooby.
      • What did you do that made you famous? - Well, put it this way.. I've got the number 3 album on the charts.. I got the number 2 song with is ''Was Me''.. I'm triple Platinum.. I already got my Grammy.
      • Would you publicly denounce O.J.? - I don't really give a shit about O.J.. That's OJ's business. Whether he did it or not is his business.
      • Do you expect to fart a lot during this long show? - I damn sure will be.. I'll be farting up a storm.. but my fart smells like roses so it's all good.
      • If you lost a bet and had to have sex would it be with Whoopi (Goldberg) or Rosie O'Donnell? - Whoopi got a fat ass so I'd probably go with Whoopi
      • How many times a week do you have sex? - What makes you think I get sex.. I probably, you know..(He asked his girlfriend how many times and they just laughed)
      • Have you ever been attracted to another man? - Uh, Hell No!
      • Have you ever had a gay experience? - Not at all.. don't intend to..don't like, don't wanna
      • How many dates do you have with a woman before you introduce anal sex? - I don't! That's not my thing
      • Are you a friend of Israel? - I've been there.. did a couple of shows there.

      Ja Rule

      • Can you name all of the Baldwin brothers? - Uh, shit.. Stephen, Alan.. Alec.. I don't know man.
      • Are you a friend of Israel? - Who's Israel? - The country - I guess.. I don't know.. These are some weird questions dude.

      3 Doors Down

      • Why do you think there's so many Jews in the music business? - I don't know.. They know how to stretch a dollar so I guess that helps, you know.

      Ricky Martin

      • Do you expect to fart much on stage tonight? - No.. I don't do that type of thing
      • Have you ever been attracted to another man? - You suck.. This guy really sucks.(he said as he laughed and walked away)
  • Actor Michael Rappaport begs to be invited to the Playboy mansion. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 2/1/01. 9-10am
      (Snipped)Next up was actor Michael Rappaport. He came in and spent a couple of minutes complaining about the fact that he can't get into the Playboy Mansion tomorrow. He can't believe that Melrose Larry is getting in and he's not. He wants like 4 tickets though. Howard spent some time talking to him about the chicks that he's banged like he did the last time he was on the show.

      Michael brought the Jesus Twins with him for some reason. These are the two wacky guys who were on the show a few years ago that insisted that they be put on Howard's movie soundtrack album. They said that they were going to be the next big thing. That never happened and one of them showed up a couple years later saying that he was Satan. The two of them are back together and the mental patient brother is feeling much better now. He was suffering from manic depression and he's on medication to treat it. The two of them performed their new song ''God Come Down Here'' and it wasn't bad until they started singing. Their music style has changed a bit but their voices haven't. Stuttering John was laughing hysterically the whole time they were singing. Ben Stiller said that he didn't hate the song. Howard and Robin both said they were happy to see the two of them again.

      Howard eventually broke down and said that he'd let Michael and his wife come to the Playboy Mansion for tomorrow's show. His wife came in and said that she doesn't really need to go. She thought that it was just a regular thing and didn't know that it was so packed up. We'll find out tomorrow if they make it there.

  • Howard talks to a guy who wants to have sex with a man but doesn't think he's gay. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 1/19/01. 7:50am
      This guy Donald called in to get some advice from Howard. He says that he's not gay and there's no way he could be gay because he's a Christian. He went on to explain that he has a neighbor that may be gay but he's not sure. The problem is that Donald has been watching his neighbor and has been fantasizing about him. He said they hang out together quite a bit and the neighbor never talks about women. He always says things about the ''lovers'' he's had but never mentions names. After Howard heard some of this stuff he told Donald that he's gay, no question. Donald thinks that he's just going through a stage that a lot of younger people go through where they experiment with gay stuff. He thinks that if he does have gay sex that he'll be disgusted by it and he'll get over this stage. Howard told him he's got an effeminate voice and everything he's saying would lead anyone to think that he's gay.

      Howard took a bunch of phone calls from listeners and most, if not all, of the callers told Donald that he's gay and he should just admit it. Howard asked him what some of his fantasies were like. Donald told Howard about one he had where he and his neighbor were on a log raft floating stranded in the ocean. They were having sex as a ship passed them by and they just kept going at it. Gay! Howard told Donald there's nothing wrong with being gay and he should just admit that he is. Robin asked him if he's ever pleasured himself to the image of a man. Of course he has. He asked Howard if he's ever had gay fantasies. Howard said ''Lets put it this way.. NO!'' He said he never thinks about men at all.

      Howard had a test for the guy to perform to see if he really is gay. He told him to take his pinkie finger and put it where the sun don't shine. After a few seconds he asked Donald how far in he'd put that finger. He said he had it up to the second knuckle. Howard told him that proves he's gay. Howard said he wouldn't be able to get any of his finger there. He'd only get as far as rubbing if anything at all. Howard went on for a few minutes trying to convince Donald to take his cell phone over to his neighbor so they could break the news to him but that didn't happen. Donald still refused to admit that he's gay. Howard told him to call back if he ever does do anything with his neighbor.

  • Robin talks about how she almost drown in her own pool because she doesn't know how to swim. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 1/16/01. 6:05am
      (Snipped)Robin told Howard how she almost drowned while she was snorkeling somewhere. She said she got away from the boat she was with and couldn't get back. She can't swim so Howard wondered why she would get away from the boat she was with. Robin said she didn't know that she'd gotten so far away. Luckily someone saw her and helped her out. They threw a line out to her and towed her back like a dinghy. Mike Gange had his own story to tell about almost drowning. He never learned to swim either. He said he went on vacation and people told him to wear a life vest and he'd be fine. As soon as he went in the water he sunk like lead. Howard suggested that they take professional lessons to learn how to swim for real. Gange said that Scott DePace offered to teach him but Howard said that's a bad idea. He should get a professional to do it. DePace said he could teach him as long as Gange trusts him.
  • Howard talks to Hugh Hefner while doing his show from the Playboy mansion. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 2/2/01. 7-8am
      (Snipped)Howard spent some time talking to Hugh Hefner and his 6 girlfriends. Hef introduced Howard to each of them and told Howard what they do together. The girls said that being Hef's girlfriend is a full time job so they don't have time for other jobs. Hef told Howard he feels like the luckiest man in the world. Howard asked him if he ever uses Viagra to get himself aroused. Hef said that when you have 6 girlfriends, you need Viagra. He said it's the best recreational drug on the market right now. He said he's even done all 6 girls in one night. He says he hardly ever uses a condom though. He says he always has a close knit relationship with one or more people and he doesn't feel he needs a condom.

      Hef said that he still picks the women who appear in the magazine himself. He keeps that job for himself. He said Playboy is hotter than ever and he's very happy about that. Howard wondered what the Playboy mansion property must be worth. Hef said he paid $1.2 million back in 1971 and he can't imagine what it must be worth today.

  • Howard plays tape of Gary asking a publicist to be rolled up in a carpet which leads to an angry Puerto Rican woman calling in to complain.

• The Best Of Stern. 7/19/02.
  Finally, the last day of Best of. Howard and the crew return next Monday, July 22nd.
  • ''Howard's Johnson'' commercial parody.
  • Incubus performs ''Wish You Were Here'' in the studio.
  • Magic Johnson visits Howard at the Playboy mansion. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 2/2/01. 9-10am
      (Snipped)Magic Johnson finally showed up so Howard spent a short time talking to him about the parties he used to have years ago. Magic said he's been to the Playboy mansion many times. He started going there 21 years ago and enjoyed many parties. He refused to comment on all of the chicks he's banged there though. He wouldn't even tell Howard where the best place to bang a chick is. Magic said he learned how to throw parties from Hef and threw his own at his home. Howard said Magic would have a velvet rope outside his room and he'd only let the really hot chicks in. Magic said he'd have his buddies pick the women for him.

      Dennis Rodman showed up still pissed off at Howard for dissing him out in Vegas earlier this week. He said that Howard was ignoring him out there. Howard said that he didn't feel like standing there while Dennis punched him so he wandered off.

      Howard asked Magic if it was uncomfortable for him to have fired Dennis from the Lakers since he's one of the owners. Dennis quickly said ''I didn't get fired, I quit''. Magic just laughed. He said that Dennis is an entertainer and a good guy.

  • Howard tries to talk to Benjy about getting laid at the Bunny Ranch. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 3/8/01. 10:05am
      Howard heard that Benjy went to the Moonlight Bunny Ranch whorehouse while they were doing their Las Vegas/Los Angeles shows a few weeks back. He asked Benjy what he did out there and if he was able to have sex. Benjy told Howard that he touched the girls all over but he wouldn't admit to having sex. Howard got pissed and told him that he's got to tell real stories if he wants to get on the air and be funny. He said that Benjy is impossible to talk to when he's like that. Benjy said that he was making an appearance at the ranch and he got comp cards that got him in with the girls for free. Gary came in and started asking Benjy what happened and if he had sex. Benjy said that if he asked him like he was someone else like Kip, he could answer. So from then on Benjy was known as Kip. He's trying not to turn off every woman that listens to the show when he talks about being with whores. That's why he changed his name. So, Kip went on to talk about how he got 2 or 3 comp cards a day so he was with 2 or 3 women a day while he was there. He told Howard that there was one chick there who was a 10 on his 1-10 scale. Howard wanted to know what a 10 is in Benjy's book so Benjy told him that Catherine Zeta-Jones is a 10. Kip went on to say that the whore was a whore-10, not a real girl 10. Kip said that he was able to get that hot chick one night and he actually fell asleep with her for about an hour or so. Kip said it was kind of depressing to be sleeping with whores but it was also satisfying. He sounded very confused as he explained those feelings. Kip said that he slept with between 9 and 11 over the 3 day weekend he was there. He started to talk about some other people who go to the ranch but Howard told him they probably don't want their names mentioned. Kip said that he sometimes forgot that prostitution is legal where he was so he kept expecting cops to break down the doors. As Howard was wrapping up the segment he told Kip that he'd probably like this guy Benjy they have working for them. They have very similar likes.
  • Beetlejuice vs. Gary the Retard. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 1/26/01. 8:55am
      Who is smarter Beetlejuice or Gary the Retard? That's what Howard wanted to find out once and for all. He had both Gary the Retard and Beetlejuice the tiny headed dwarf come in to compete in an intelligence test today. What happened in this segment can't be described in words.. but I'll try.

      Howard said Beetlejuice came in dressed as Erkle from ''Family Matters''. He was wearing glasses and tried to look smart. Howard plugged a party that Beetlejuice will be at tonight in Staten Island. He asked Beet where it would be and Beet said Manhattan. Beet was very intent on talking to Robin today. He kept looking at her and sweet talking her. He kept calling her honey and sweetheart through the whole segment.

      Howard asked Beet when the last time he got laid was. Beet rambled in his usual way saying that he gets laid often.. but then he said the last time was in 1976. Then he said he was born in 1975.. So he was only 1 when he got laid?

      Howard tried to talk to Gary the Retard but it was tough. He said that Gary has gained quite a bit of weight since they last saw him. Howard asked him how much he weighs now and he said 146 pounds. Beet had to do him one better so he said he weighs ''..147 dude!'' Howard also noticed that Gary's new teeth were missing. Gary says that he keeps them in his coat pocket because they hurt his mouth. Beet gave him some advice and told him to get braces to hold them in. Beet bragged that he has his own teeth.

      Howard was ready to start the game when Gary said that he watches Jeopardy all the time. He also watches Hollywood Squares. Beet heard that and said that he can get 20 squares when he plays that on his computer. Always bragging..

      Howard finally got to the questions and started with Beet. The first three are not a mistake. Howard asked the same question 3 times!

      • Spell ''Red'' - Beet: LSTER / Gary: Red
      • Spell ''Red'' - Beet: LETERT / Gary: Red
      • Spell ''Red'' - Beet: LSETERT / Gary: Red
      • How many days are in a week? - Beet: Seven
      • What color is a fire engine? - Gary: Red
      • What state are you in today? - Beet: New Jersey (New York is the correct answer)
      • What is the opposite of up? - Beet: Down
      • What number is between 2 and 4? - Beet: 25.. 36 / Gary: 7
      • What are two ingredients of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? - Beet: Butter and Jelly (close enough for Robin)
      It was a very unorganized game but Gary was the winner. Howard didn't dare tell Beetlejuice that though. He figured he'd freak out if he knew. Even Beetlejuice told them not to say that Gary won. He said he'd let it slide this time.

      Howard plugged the Beetlejuice thing again and Beet continued to ramble on and on about nonsense as he usually does. Howard took some phone calls and people were saying that this was the funniest thing they've ever heard. One guy suggested they send Beet to Harvard to be studied.

      Beetlejuice was talking about how he can beat the crap out of anyone who he doesn't like. Howard asked him how tall he is and he just went crazy. He said that he weighs 825 pounds.. up to 25 pounds.. Then 45 pounds. There's got to be some short circuits in his brain.

      A guy called in pretending to be Beetlejuice's wife Katiejuice. (S)he started telling Beet that she was mad at him for not coming home and Beet seemed to think that it was really his wife. He told Katiejuice that he told her he'd be home in 2 weeks. It was very bizarre.

      High Pitch Erik showed up because he'll be at the Beet party tonight. He was wearing a rainbow wig with his shirt off. Howard said he was ill just looking at him. Erik said that he and Beet do a thing together. Beetlejuice rides him like a horse. Beet got on his back, after walking out of the studio for a second, and hopped on. Howard was trying to wrap things up but it was tough. He told them to stop but then Beet started smacking Erik. Erik, in his Mickey Mouse voice, yelled at Beet to ''STOP IT!'' Beet told Erik that he was his bitch and told him to shut up. Howard then told Beet to feel up Erik. Erik told Beet that he's a faggot if he feels him up. Then Beet said he'd beat Erik up tonight. Erik said something about not being afraid of ''negros like you'' to him. Howard finally got them to stop and ended the fun.

      You can find out more about the Beetlejuice party at JollyDwarf.com and Erik has a new site at HPErik.com

  • Howard talks about MILFs and KC breaking out in hives. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 2/27/01. 7:10am
      (Snipped)After the call Howard went on to talk about MILFs (Mothers I'd Like To F***). He said he's seen a lot of good looking mothers lately. When he was on vacation he saw one really hot mother. He said at first he thought she was the nanny for the kids she was with but it turned out she was the mother. Howard said that Gary's wife is also a MILF. KC came walking in and Gary said that his mother is supposed to be a MILF also. KC didn't want to talk about it though because it's his mother.

      The subject changed when KC started talking about his ''self-tanner'' that he used to keep his skin tone just right. He said over the weekend he had this spray on crap that he put on after taking a shower. He told Howard he sprayed himself down and later that night he had an allergic reaction to it. He broke out in hives after using the stuff. He went and got some cortisone to put on that night around midnight. He said one side of his body cleared up but the other side got it. He eventually went to the Doctor and it was starting to clear up. The Doctor was going to write him a prescription for something to get rid of it but KC didn't stick around long enough to get it. He went home and found that the hives were in his ears and on his knees. He then called poison control late last night. They told him that if it was something he sprayed on it wouldn't stick around so long. He's baffled by the whole thing. Gary thinks that it's mental but KC doesn't believe you can make yourself break out in hives just by thinking. He thinks that it got into his lungs and infected his whole body.

  • Howard plays tape Stuttering John interviewing James Earl Jones, Renee Russo, Mel Gibson, Ben Gazara, Nicolas Cage and Sir Andre Previn. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 2-27-96. Howard was out again last night. His interviews get shorter and shorter every time he goes out. His 20 second interview with James Earl Jones was the first and there wasn't even any nasty questions! One was 'What did you get paid for saying 'This is CNN'? Not even offensive! Next up was Mel Gibson. John says 'When you wore the kilt in 'Brave heart' did your testicles shrink?' Okay so that was offensive to Mel and he tried to get away from all of the reporters but a couple of metal ashtrays got in his way...you could hear him knock them over. He also asked 'When are you gonna stop that Lethal Weapon crap Mel?' Ben Gazara was next. John asked a perfect question...'Who are you?' The guy handled it pretty good. Next we have Nicolas Cage who's brother works at K-Rock where Howard works. John says 'Why do you ignore your brother?' What John didn't realize was that Mark was standing behind Nicolas and was trying to stop John from asking the questions. Sir Andre Previn, Mia Farrow's ex-husband, went NUTS on John when he asked him 'Wh wh wh wh...Who are you' and 'Why is everybody so afraid to badmouth that cradle robber Woody Allen?' Andre responds- 'Oh get away from me, you and your jerky questions you bloody fool!'
  • Captain Janks' roommate calls in accusing him of forging Howard's name. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 6/23/97. 6:30am
      Captain Janks' ex-roommate called in for the second time in the past couple of weeks. He's been saying that Janks owes him some money from when he lived with him. Janks denied the accusations the last time they were on the phone. Today the roommate called in to accuse him of other things like forging Howard's name when he signs books and stealing stuff. Janks gets very defensive when this guy says these things but some of them he doesn't deny. He just blurts out that the other guy is a pot dealer. Howard is going to have the two of them come in and have Janks take a lie detector test. Howard will be the Judge and Jury...
  • Howard talks to Jay Leno and Whoopi Goldberg. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 2/1/01. 7-8am
      Tonight Show host Jay Leno was the first guest of the hour. Howard spoke to him about a bunch of stuff. He found out that Jay saw the new ''Hannibal'' movie so he asked how that was. Jay didn't give too many details since he got a pre-release copy of the movie. He said it's more of a gory movie than the ''Silence of the Lambs'' was.

      Howard asked Jay about some comments Jerry Lewis made about female comics not being funny. Jay said that's not true and there are plenty of funny female comics. Howard also thinks that some guy comics lose their touch after a while. Jay said that comics who quit the business can never get back into it because they lose their touch. Howard mentioned Robert Klein as an example. Jay said that you have to stay in the business to stay sharp so that's what he does. He still does gigs 3-4 nights a week. He said Jerry Seinfeld is still doing gigs also but he might not want people to know that.

      Howard also spoke to Jay about the Tonight Show and how he just signed a new 5 year contract. Jay says he never touches the money he makes on the show, he uses the money he makes as a stand-up comic to support himself. He figures that way if he ever gets fired he has plenty to fall back on.

      Whoopi Goldberg called in while Jay was still there. She didn't come in to visit because she's on the set of a TV movie. Howard kept asking her when she got banged last. She didn't really want to talk about that so she asked Howard what was up with his life. He talked about his divorce a little bit and depressed everyone.

      Howard told Whoopi that she has to get down to do the show while he's there. She said she's too busy with the movie so she won't be able to make it. She said she'll be in New York in March so she'll come on the show then. Howard said he'll take her out to dinner when she comes to the city. Whoopi got off the phone so Howard wrapped things up with Jay. He asked Jay if he's heard from Johnny Carson lately. Jay said he hasn't spoken to him in a while but when they do call him for tape from the old Tonight Show, he's very gracious.