They spent a couple of minutes talking about Celebrity ''Who Wants to be a Millionaire''. Kathy said she would love to do the show but she was rejected. She said they told her that she ''isn't there yet'' meaning that she's not famous enough. Howard said he was asked but he doesn't feel the need to give away his money to charity. He told Kathy that he demanded a million bucks to do it and he'd keep the money for himself.
Howard also brought up the fact that Kathy is getting married soon. He asked her why she'd want to do that at this time in her life. She said that she wants to do it. She's been going out with this guy for 2 years and now they're going to get married.
Kathy goofed on Sharon Stone at some AIDS charity event one time so Howard told part of that story and had Kathy finish it. He said that he heard it from his buddy Pat. He told everyone how Sharon made a really pompous speech about how she once passed a man on the street and felt a presence as she walked by. She turned around and saw that it was John Lennon. Sharon also read some of the words from the song ''Imagine'' and started to cry. Kathy said all she could do was think of comedy material during that speech. Then Kathy goes on stage and tells a similar story about walking past a man and as she turned around she saw it was Elvis. She goes on to recite words from ''Hound Dog'' like Sharon did with ''Imagine''. Howard thought that was really funny.
Howard said that Kathy is friends with Andy Dick who is mad at him. She said Andy told her that he always felt safe on Howard's show but after his last appearance he doesn't feel that way. He felt like he was ambushed by the phone calls Howard let through. Howard thinks that's a bunch of crap of course. Howard said Andy knew that they take phone calls like that and he shouldn't act like that. Kathy said maybe Howard's just not part of the ''sober'' Andy's life. Howard said he hopes Andy starts drinking again so he gets funny again.
Kathy also knows David Spade. She said when he told the story about his assistant attacking him she thought it was scary. She had a problem with her assistant also. She said he was arrested on the lot of a TV show after trying to run over a guard. She said they didn't have his name on the list to get on the lot and he tried to run the guy over. She no longer has that assistant.
Kathy told a story about how she insulted Toni Braxton at the Billboard Awards one time. She'd planned on making a joke about Britney Spears' breasts but ended up using Toni's name instead. She later found out that Toni had just had one of her implants burst that week.
Howard got back to Kathy's engagement. He told her that he thinks her TV show will probably last longer than the marriage. She said she'd be happy if that did happen. Howard said she probably does prefer that she have a more successful TV show than a marriage and she agreed. She said she really does think it'll last a long time though.
Howard asked her if her former co-star Brooke Shields will be at the wedding. Kathy said that Brooke will be her Maid of Honor. Howard said that he was insulted that he wasn't invited and when he heard that Brooke would be there he was even more upset. He said he'd love to go if she's going to be there. Brooke hates Howard though. Howard said it's probably because when she started her show ''Suddenly Susan'' he said that she's an awful actress. He said she's good looking but her acting sucks. Kathy said that she's even warned her about going on Howard's show. She also chewed out David Spade after he brought up her name on the show one time. Howard said if he went to the wedding he'd be nice to Brooke though. He thinks that she'd come around if he just said something nice about her. During the discussion he said something about her not having a body for TV.. He said it was more appropriate for the XFL.
Howard read that Kathy has never tried alcohol in her life. She said that when she was about 7 or 8 she was choking on something and her father gave her a beer to drink to clear her throat. She took two big gulps and thought it was the most awful tasting thing so she never drank. She said when she was in high school she just thought it was just dumb that her friends were all getting drunk and throwing up. She did try weed a couple of times but she's not into drugs.
Howard took a couple of phone calls and asked Kathy if she shaves for her man. She said that she never shaves her private parts because it gives her a rash. She said she just trims it down there. Howard told her she should do it for her man though.
Finally, Howard plugged Kathy's new show ''Kathy's So Called Reality'' in which they review the reality TV shows that are on. The show airs on MTV.
O.R. Said that he did research by reading books and watching gay videos so he could learn the 8 most common depraved things they do with each other. He also claims that some schools actually teach homosexuality to students! He said that those references are in his book. He told Howard that this book is not just for heterosexuals, it's also for homosexuals.
O.R. Told Howard that he'd like to see morality come back to this country. He doesn't think that we should kill homosexuals and he doesn't think they should be arrested unless they're convicted of sodomy.
Howard told O.R. That it's a good thing that homos come out of the closet because if they don't, they end up getting married to women who they don't love. Then they're both miserable.
O.R. Told Howard about some of the things that homos do that upset him. The delay was hit at one point and Howard said that women also do that with men so I'm assuming it was either oral or anal sex he was talking about. O.R. went on to complain about homosexuals who roll around in excrement and get peed on among other things. Howard said he doesn't care what people do in their own bedrooms. He thinks that they should be allowed to do whatever they want to do in private. Robin tried asking him what he does with his wife but he wouldn't talk about it.
Howard eventually gave up on trying to convince the guy to be more lenient. He said you can get the book at WinePressPub.com. ''Sam Kinison''(Craig Gass) dropped in for a couple of minutes. He told O.R. That he doesn't know what he's missing not having anal sex. He also told Howard that he was reading some of the book and found that some of the schools that were listed as teaching homosexuality included Rock Hudson Secretarial, Judy Garland University and Glory Hole University.
Ryan went on to tell Howard that it took him 3 and a half years to become an intern because he kept getting turned down. Gary told him that when they hire someone after they've been turned down that many times it means they literally had no one else to hire.
Stuttering John said that Ryan was going to give Howard some brownies laced with laxatives for his birthday. He thought Howard could use them to play tricks on his friends or something. He said he's done that to his friends before and it really pissed them off.
Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said that Ryan got him a bagel the other day. Ronnie told him not to spit on it when he went down to get it. When he came back Ryan had written ''Diet Phlegm'' on the wax paper and it leaked through. Ryan went to get him another one but when he got back Ronnie threw it against the wall. That's when Ryan got the idea to have Ronnie throw bagels at a target.
Ronnie ended up trying to hit Ryan's target with the bagels but just hit him in the head and the nuts. Howard told Ryan he could come back in to meet Vince later on. Ryan just vanished from the studio.
Howard first asked Vince about all of the money he's worth. He thinks that Vince is a billionaire but Vince told him he doesn't know what he's worth. His father left him the WWF franchise about 15 years ago and it has taken off since then. Robin called him the Donald Trump of wrestling. Vince said that if his father knew that he was going to go national with the series he probably wouldn't have gotten it. Howard also heard that Vince doesn't talk to his mother because she allegedly molested him as a child. Vince said he inferred that in an interview. He never said that she actually molested him. He didn't want to talk about it anymore than that either.
Howard moved on to talk about the XFL which Vince started this year. The league has been floundering in the ratings but Howard thinks he has a solution that would make it huge. He told Vince that he would take all of the players and cheerleaders and put them in a village. Then they'd shoot it kind of like ''Survivor'' and show highlights of dating and the games just like they do with that show. Vince actually said it sounded like a good idea. Howard told him that they should hook up together and do this thing. He told Vince that he could take the idea and run with it if he wants to. Vince is hoping that the series will persevere and take off like wrestling did.
Howard asked Vince what will happen when he passes on. Vince said that the WWF and all of his stuff will be left to his kids. Even his daughter-in-law will get part of the inheritance.
Howard also read that Vince admitted to cheating on his wife in an interview. Vince said that he's been married 28 years and for the past 6 he's been faithful. He said he used to sleep with ''anything that had a skirt''. He said his wife was very angry at him but they still love each other so they stay together.
Howard spent a short time asking Vince about his Bob Costas interview the other night. Vince said that he was kind of let down by Costas who turned the interview into a trial of the WWF.
Vince said that he doesn't get upset when people try to sue him, he just deals with it and moves on.
Howard took a few phone calls from women who wanted to ask Vince for jobs or just kiss his ass a bit. One guy asked Vince if he's going to take over the WCW franchise. Vince said that might happen and if it does then they would have the two leagues wrestle each other sometimes.
Howard started letting in some of the nuts who showed up at the station come in to meet Vince. There were two guys who asked a couple of wrestling questions and one of the guys showed Howard his two assholes. I didn't catch the reason for the two holes though.
Ryan, who was on earlier, came in and asked a bunch of dopey questions about whether or not he could work for the WWF. There was an ex-intern by the name of Siobhan who came in and kissed Vince's ass a bit.
Extreme fan Bobo, his two kids and a friend also came in. They all watch the WWF together and wanted to meet Vince. Howard goofed on Bobo's toupee and let them ask a couple of questions before moving on to the next group.
Up next were Brandi and Bonnie-Jill who were on earlier in the week. They are, or were, XFL cheerleaders who had complaints about their jobs. They came in and told Vince about the problems they had. Vince told them that they should hang in there and just wait a while for things to get better. Then they told him they got fired already. Whoops! Too late. Gary said that they're more interesting now and he'd be more interested in watching the show now that they're controversial.
Howard let a couple more guys come in to meet Vince before wrapping up the interview. One guy said he wanted to be a wrestler but Howard told him there's no way he could be. He wasn't built for it. Howard wrapped up the interview and plugged the WWF Wrestlemania event. Visit Wrestlemania.com to get more info on the pay-per-view event.
After Howard heard Tracy Bingham talking about how hot he is he told Gary to get her number. Gary came in and said that was an edited interview and before that question she was begging to get on the show. So she may have been just trying to kiss Howard's ass a bit.
Howard was also goofing around singing Kenny Loggins' song about Christopher Robin and Winnie the Pooh for some reason.
Howard asked Henry about his messed up childhood but he said it was just a normal dysfunctional childhood. He didn't talk much about it. Howard said that weight lifting is what helped Henry out with his problems and he's in great shape now. Howard asked him what he's doing wrong because he works out himself but he's got no muscles to speak of. Henry told him he needs a trainer. Howard has one. Howard then had Henry go through the food that he eats and how he works out. Henry said he eats a MetRx bar in the morning, then some fruit later on. He then eats a can of tuna for lunch with some fresh orange juice. He doesn't eat any bread or pasta. He told Howard he just eats a bunch of small meals a day instead of one big one. Howard said that Karen Carpenter ate more than Henry and he's got huge muscles. He gets his aerobic work out while rehearsing with his band.
Henry told Howard that he's 40 years old and he doesn't freak out about it at all. He's letting his hair go gray and it doesn't bother him.
Howard moved on to ask Henry why he's been banned from the Tonight Show. Henry thinks that it's because of one time he was on with Kathy Ireland. He said she knows nothing about workouts but she had her own workout tape. He ended up smashing it on Jay Leno's desk and that might have been the reason for not being asked back on. He also yelled out something during a Simple Minds performance on the same show.
Henry went on to bad mouth Bono from U2 and Sting as well as Sting's wife.
Last night Henry did a special show where he just spoke for 3 hours. KC, his biggest fan, was there and took notes. Howard mentioned a part where Henry apparently talked about taking Viagra, standing in front of a mirror and crying. Henry stopped Howard halfway through it. He said he's never done that and he didn't say he did it. He explained how he talked about Viagra and getting e-mail about it but he never tried it. He ended up goofing on KC and told him to get it right next time. KC was honored to have been scolded by his hero. KC got a few other things wrong in his notes so Henry had to explain all of them also.
Howard took a few phone calls for Henry and there were a few guys who said they'd like to beat Henry's ass. He doesn't care about those calls so he just let them vent.
Crazy Cabbie called in and said he met Henry back in 1997 at some concert. He said that Henry was kind of uptight and wondered if he's that way all the time. Henry said he used to have problems with fans trying to pick fights with him so he's kind of stand-offish with them sometimes. He said he's not the tough guy that some people think he is.
Gary Garver called in and said that he saw Henry on ''Unsolved Mysteries'' one time. His roommate and good friend was killed by some unknown assailants and they never found out who they were. Henry then told Howard the scary story about how he was held up outside of his apartment in Venice, California. He said that a few days before that Rick Rubin had come over in his Rolls Royce. He thinks that his crackhead neighbors saw the car and figured there must be some good stuff to steal from his house. He and his friend were coming back from shopping when they were confronted by these two guys. They held guns to them and walked them to the house. Henry opened the door, walked in and set the groceries down and the next thing he heard were gun shots. When the shots stopped he ran like hell out the back of the house to call cops at a neighbor's house. His friend was killed. He said that the next day the cops had him stand where he had been standing. They showed him that one bullet missed him by an inch and the other one missed by 2 inches.
Howard also heard that Henry had saved his friend's brain in a tupperware container. Henry said that he had dug up some of the soil where his friend's head hit the dirt and did save it. It was a very creepy story.
Howard first played the Judy Garland tapes that he's been talking about all week. Vinnie edited down the tapes to just the good parts. Apparently the tapes are from the time when she had lost her CBS show and she was divorced and living in England. Someone suggested that she voice her thoughts on tape so a book could be written about her life. Howard played a bunch of the clips and she just rambles in what sounds like a drunken rage. She complains about not knowing how to use the tape recorder and how it's a ''Nazi machine''. In another clip she wonders why she flies around in airplanes with a ''cast'' of people she couldn't care less about. She said she doesn't want to die with these people who sit around reading ''Readers Digest''. She also complains about her ex-husband Sid Luft and how he doesn't care about anyone except himself. The tapes were hilarious.
For some reason Vinnie thought that there were many similarities between Judy and Howard. Some of his examples included... both were divorced, both had kids, both were in their 40's, both battled CBS over money, both were mentally abused by their parents, both saw psychiatrists, both talk in a microphone, both like their wine, both can't play sports, both lost money in their divorce, both had daughters that wanted to be performers and while Judy hung out with gays, Howard hung out with Ralph.
Howard had to hold off on the lie detector test because Joan Rivers showed up.
Howard said that Elliott has a daughter that contacted the show and wanted to be reunited with him. Elliott turned down the offer for some reason.
A phone caller said that Elliott used to use an alias of Jack Gordon when he lived in Miami. The guy also said that he stole stuff from people and didn't pay for stuff. Gary said that when he spoke to Elliott he said that there were parts of his life that he didn't want to get into he's led a less than perfect life. Elliott said he never said such a thing but Gary threatened to get the tape of their conversation. Elliott kept changing the subject and yelling about how Howard is putting him on the show.
Elliott showed Howard two checks for $10,000 each. After a lot of hassle he finally told Howard that he was going to offer up one of them as a ''security bond'' for anyone who can prove that they've had a gay experience with him. He said he's willing to put it up because he knows that he's never done anything like that.
A woman claiming to be Elliott's daughter Karen called in. She said that she hasn't seen her pathological lying father in about 15 years. Elliott said that it's not his daughter because he hasn't seen her in 23 years, not 15. He also said that he was told that his daughter was dead. She swears that it's him though. The two of them called each other names for a few minutes and Howard offered to have both of them come on the show tomorrow to reunite. Elliott was willing to come in tomorrow but Karen said that she probably couldn't make it. Howard wanted her to bring her birth certificate with her so she could prove her claims. It may or may not happen on the show tomorrow.
Howard finally had to wrap up the segment so he could get to the news. He said that you can get 3 autographed photos of Elliott by sending $5 to...
Elegant Elliott Offen
7243 Austin St.
Forest Hills, NY 11375
You can also get his manuscript, which has sold about 1600 copies, by sending $10 plus $3 shipping to the same address. Howard finally ended the segment when a caller said they were ready to commit suicide if they heard any more of Elliott.
Howard killed a few minutes by listening to a song he heard his music director playing in the hall. It's a remake of Peter Cetera's ''Glory of Love'' song that he thinks will be a huge hit. He played the whole thing and said he likes it. Robin didn't enjoy it though. When the chorus came in it sounded kind of gay to Gary. Howard never mentioned the name of the band but I've been told it's New Found Glory.
Howard finally got to the trivia game. He asked a total of about 30 questions alternating between Gary and Hank. Hank, who was extremely drunk, ended up beating Gary by a few correct answers. Gary is scheduled to appear on VH-1's Rock and Roll Jeopardy sometime in the near future so this was good practice. Here are a few samples of the questions they were asked:
John the Stutterer, another Rock and Roll trivia buff, called in and said he could beat Hank. The two of them ended up calling each other names and yelling at each other for a few minutes.
Through the whole game Hank was on the edge of his seat almost falling off because he couldn't keep his balance. Toward the end of the segment Howard had KC take Hank out of his chair and put him on the couch. At one point Hank put his head down and passed out. He fell asleep and started lightly snoring. Hank's manager, Doug Goodstein from E!, came in and said he's never seen Hank like that. Then they started talking about how Hank is in love with Doug's wife Marlo, who's really hot (check out HankTheDwarf.com under Hank's Posse for a pic), and he does some very inappropriate things when they go out to dinner. While Doug was talking about the things Hank does to Marlo, Hank awakened from his short nap. He said he'd never do anything to hurt Marlo. He then asked what time it was. Someone told him it was Saturday at 1am but he knew better. Howard told him it was February 2010 and that he's Rip Van Winkle.
A listener called in and told Howard that Hank's liver is failing and that's what caused him to pass out so quickly. He suggested that Hank go to a doctor and get his enzymes checked to see just how sick he really is.
Kendra Jade gave Hank a flash of her breasts and he got his second wind. He said that he was awake again after seeing that. Howard then wrapped up the segment and said that you can see Kendra at Al's Diamond Cabaret in Pennsylvania. Hank stuck around on the couch through the Robin's news.
Before they got to that story Cabbie admitted that he had a gay experience when he was a cab driver. He went with a couple and the guy gave him oral for 10 minutes or so... That was just the beginning of the stories. Cabbie then told the story about he was thrown out of the army. Here's the shortened version. Cabbie and some of his buddies in the 82nd airborne were screwing a 17 year old daughter of a Sergeant Major in the Delta Force. He came home early one day and found them screwing her. He kicked a few of their asses and found out who they were. Then there was an investigation and a video tape was found in their barracks that had another guy's wife getting screwed by a few other guys. According to Cabbie the whole thing exploded into a huge investigation and then charges were brought against them. He was then thrown out of the army but he was given an honorable discharge because he wrote a letter to the commander complaining. Since it was just one event the honorable discharge was given because they don't count you whole career on one event.
Howard didn't care about that story so he interrupted it and told him to talk more about the gay experience. He explained that a little more and when Howard heard that he got oral from the guy he called him gay. Then everyone started asking him more gay questions. They asked him if he stayed aroused during the gay oral sex and he said he did. Cabbie also admitted that he had used a ''glory hole'' so that was another strike against him. He was asked if he had ever done anal. He went silent for a second and said he wanted more money. He did admit that he'd given someone anal and he did take it there himself one time.
Ralph called in and started goofing on him too. Cabbie tried to redeem himself by saying that he's done stuff with women that no one in the studio has ever thought of. It didn't work. He was asked if he's ever given a happy ending to a guy. He said he was going to shut down and save some of this for a later date. Howard said he's going to hook Cabbie up to a lie detector on Monday to find out even more stuff.
Later in the show Howard was distracted by the whole story and he couldn't stop thinking about Cabbie being bent over taking it up the rear.