Artie said the guy at Crown Candy gave him a piece of candy that was shaped like a vagina so he wondered if Howard would eat something like that. Howard said he'd be creeped out by something like that because you wouldn't know what the guy might have been doing with the fake vagina before he gave it to him.
Howard wondered how they were going to do the treadmill challenge later in the show because he doesn't want to spend all day doing it. Artie said he wants to set the treadmill at 7, which is what he claims to run at, and just get it done with quickly. None of the guys believe that Artie runs on the treadmill at the 7 setting. Cabbie called in and said he's so sick of High Pitch Erik that he wants to stab him in the neck with a broken bottle. He really wants Artie to win this thing. Howard said Robin Radzinski from E! was wondering if they should have an EMS worker there just in case one of these guys passes out. Howard and Gary both think they should have one there.
Howard talked about how last week the BetOnSports.com guys offered Artie $25,000 if he could continue to lose this big football pool they have going on. ARtie ended up winning this week for the first time. William ''Refrigerator'' Perry won this week while Jackson Dell'Abate lost. Dax the Monkey lost too while Artie won for the first time. KC is still out in the lead with 5 wins and 4 losses. Howard took a break after talking about that for a few short seconds.
After the break Howard said he got a bottle of Roseanne's hot sauce. He said he knows that these celebrities don't actually create this stuff, they just put their names on it to make some money. Howard said he's never done that and doesn't put his name on anything, even t-shirts. He said he knows it might be cool to sell Howard Stern t-shirts but he just doesn't want to have his name on a bunch of crap. He said he will put out videos, books and stuff like that though.
Howard read a story about Jerry Lewis needing oxygen while making an appearance somewhere. Howard wondered why the guy doesn't just stay home and enjoy the rest of his life instead of going out and almost dying. Howard said he got a call from Richard Belzer last week but he didn't get back to him. He figures Belzer wanted him to go watch Jerry do this appearance but they didn't work it out in time.
Howard brought up how the new Harry Potter movie made $87 million over the weekend. Some people were saying that it was a failure because it made less than the first one did. The producer of the movie said he hopes that $87 million isn't considered a failure now. Howard talked about some of the other movies and what they made over the past couple of weeks also.
Howard said he saw this movie ''The Ring'' and it was pretty good in the beginning but it gets kind of stupid toward the end. He said it's worth renting though. Howard said he and his daughter Debra watched ''The Breakfast Club'' over the weekend. Artie said he could relate to that movie because he used to have Saturday detention himself. Howard said they only had detention after school until 3 o'clock. The guys spent a couple of minutes talking about how cool that movie was. Howard also brought up Demi Moore who appeared in some of those ''brat pack'' movies back then. He said she looks better now than she did back then. He read that she's had a lot of plastic surgery but she looks great. Howard said she should put out a workout video or something. He said even that wouldn't help him though. He talked about the ''jelly'' fat he has on his stomach and how hard it is to get rid of. He also talked about some pictures he saw of Demi on the beach and how hot she is without air brushing.
Howard talked about some party he went to one time and how none of the celebrities there were talking to each other. He talked about actor Steven Dorf being there and how he was just paging someone on his pager the whole time he was there. When Howard was leaving Dorf finally came up to him and told him what a fan he was. Howard said if he wasn't talking on his pager the whole time, he could have come up to him and talked to him a bit. Howard said the party was at Rick Rubin's house and his dog had crapped on the floor there.
Howard said he went out to dinner with his girlfriend on Friday night. He said he put on a suit since some of the places he goes to require that. He said he went to Le Cirque and it was great. He said after that he called up his buddy Ross and they went to some club called Tau or something like that. He said he was rushed right in since he's a celebrity. Howard said Ross hadn't gotten there yet. He was brought to a ''special area'' in the club and saw some weird stuff. He said he ended up just sitting around because it's really not a dance club. There were a bunch of model-types at the club and an ''angry black guy'' who just stared at people. Howard said it turns out it was football player Tiki Barber. Howard said it seemed that his friends were all having fun but Tiki just sat there and stared at people. Howard said at one point there were a bunch of Japanese guys banging on drums. He tried to talk to Ross while he was there but he had to yell over loud music so he left. He reenacted what it was like yelling over the loud music there for a few seconds. Howard said the Japanese guys banging on the drums was kind of crazy but he thinks he could do it himself.
Howard said on Friday after the show he heard Robin telling Fred that she was going to go visit his new baby at his apartment over the weekend. Howard said he figured he should do the same thing so he went over too. He said he'd never think of going to Fred's apartment any other time. He went on to say that he and Beth were walking around and he remembered that he wanted to go visit him but didn't know the address. Beth knew it though since she'd sent them a gift or something. Howard said he got to the building and the door man sent him right up. Howard said he knocked on Fred's door but got no answer. He said he could hear them rustling around inside but no one answered. He kept knocking and ringing the buzzer but they wouldn't answer. Fred told Howard that he was helping his wife get dressed but didn't answer. Howard said he just kept going and going and they just wouldn't answer the door. Howard said they tried that for 5 minutes and gave up. He went back to the door man and told him what just happened. He asked the door man to call up to Fred and find out if it was okay to go up. Fred swears that he never heard the knocking or the buzzer. He said once the door man called Fred, he let him in. Howard said he felt kind of strange because of what happened. Howard said even Beth figured they didn't want them there because they weren't answering the door. Howard said he will never believe Fred's story though. Fred said he'd swear on the life of his baby that he never heard them knocking that first time. Robin said she hung around for quite a while and even got to see Fred change a diaper. Howard and Robin also talked about how nice Fred's apartment was. Howard said he thinks Fred is making too much money after seeing the apartment.
Howard said Fred has a couple of dogs and he didn't even know about one of them. He said he knew about this one that's like 14 years old, and on it's last legs, but didn't know about the one he's had for about 7 years. Howard said Fred and his wife saved this dog from a shelter that was about to put the dog to sleep. Howard said it's a beautiful dog. He said the dog was like 7 months old when they took it in. Fred said the dog was tied to a post in the city somewhere and left to die. It was already trained when they got it so it knew how to sit and stuff like that so Howard figured the dog was loved but got lost or something and some kids tied it up to the post. Howard said the dog is really nice and smart. Howard said he started to get jealous of Fred after seeing the way he lives. Stuttering John came in and tried to figure out what kind of money Fred was spending on this place. He was asking about the square footage and how it was set up. John said it had to be over $900,000 for the apartment. Howard said Fred had a nice flat screen TV and a nice little family room. Howard said the apartment is in the Upper West Side of Manhattan and it's considered one of the best parts of the city.
John said that he and Gary were still debating whether or not Fred heard Howard and Beth knocking on the door. Howard said he's still convinced Fred heard them and just didn't answer.
Roddy talked about a stalker he had and how he was stalking him and his children for a while. He said he captured the stalker himself and took care of the problem. Howard said that Roddy wants to get wrestling back to the way it was. Roddy told Howard that the falling out with Vince all came after he did a movie that Vince didn't want him to do. He said Vince wanted to put him in a movie himself but Roddy went elsewhere and did the movie. That's when things fell apart between them. He said Vince didn't want to hear his reasoning. Roddy told Howard he sent a copy of his new book to Vince and told him he doesn't want anything from him. He went on to tell Howard that wrestling has the highest suicide rate in sports. He said he was suicidal at one point but his wife saved his life. He said he's no on any medication or anything these days. He said he took steroids back in the day and admitted it. He said it didn't effect his sex life and he ended up with 4 kids. Howard said Roddy broke his wrist one time and wouldn't get it fixed because he wouldn't be able to play the bagpipes again. Roddy wondered how he knew that. Howard told him he read his book which made Vince feel good. He and Howard went on to talk about the world of wrestling and how Roddy wants it to change. They also talked a bit about what Roddy is doing these days. He said he's going to be doing a movie in January and he's enjoying what he's doing. Howard quickly went through some of the other stories from Roddy's book. One of them was about how Roddy got an Sexually Transmitted Disease when he was around 22 years old. He got it from his roommate's girlfriend and his roommate removed it with a needle and a pair of pliers. Howard tried to get the details from Roddy about how he banged his roommate's girl. Roddy told Howard how he had this thing at the base of his penis and how it seemed to have a life of it's own. He said when he told his roommate about it, he knew that he'd been with his girl but didn't have a problem with it. The guy ended up heating up a needle and killed the STD with that and a pair of pliers. Ouch! He said it never came back after that.
Roddy gave out some appearance dates he has coming up for signing his book. You can check RoddyPiper.com for more info on that. Howard wrapped up the interview shortly after talking about the appearances.
Rodney Dangerfield, who is 80 years old, called in to promote his new movie ''The Fourth Tennor.'' Howard asked him how he can still do it at 80 years old. Howard wondered what motivates him. Rodney told a few jokes while he was on the line. Howard and Robin asked him if he was really smoking pot while he was in the hospital. Rodney said he was bored and did smoke up a bit. Howard wondered how the National Enquirer got a hold of that. Rodney didn't know and went on to plug his new wine that he's calling Rodney's Red. He made a few jokes about that and plugged his web site Rodney.com. It turns out he really is making his own wine. Rodney told Howard he's also got his own slot machine coming out. Every time Howard tried to ask him something, Rodney would make some joke and get off the subject. Rodney spent a couple of minutes talking about his new movie and said that you can see the trailer for the movie on his web site. He and Howard spent a few more minutes talking about stuff before Howard wrapped up the call. Howard talked about how cool Rodney has been to him over the years. He said Rodney once called him after he did an appearance on The Tonight Show. He said he'll always remember him for that because celebrities never do that. Artie told Howard that Rodney did ''Mad TV'' one time and they wanted him to rehearse. Rodney didn't rehearse, he just came out and said he'd do his thing and everyone would know what to do. Of course he came out and killed according to Artie.
Howard read that President John F. Kennedy was on like 8 different drugs while he was in office. He and Robin spent some time talking about that and how he probably wanted to stay alive because he was banging so many hot chicks. Howard joked that when J.F.K. was shot, the last thing he asked his wife was whether or no this penis was okay. He and Artie did their J.F.K. impressions a little bit while having that discussion. Robin said he also had Irritable Bowel Syndrome according to the news stories she read.
Howard took a couple of phone calls to kill some more time. One guy wondered what happened to his entry into the ''World's Meanest Listener'' contest. Howard said they'll hear them all and they'll pick out the best ones for the finalists. Howard said he had a bunch of entries to play. Howard had KC play him the meanest one he had. They played one about Artie that was done via computer. It turned out to be Chaunce Hayden's entry. Artie said it was just creepy after hearing a few seconds of it. Howard bailed out on it pretty quick for some reason. A couple minutes later KC gave him the latest roast from Reverend Bob Levy (revboblevy.net) who roasted Robin pretty good. Howard replayed that entry before playing the one about him. Howard said Levy is brutal and wasn't sure he wanted to hear the one about him. Howard played the clip and Levy really went off on him. Howard said he really is good at roasting people. Levy used his son for the roast and KC said that's Bob spending ''quality time'' with his kid. Howard started to roast Levy himself for a few seconds. He said the next contest will be for people to roast Levy instead. If you want to enter the contest yourself, just visit HowardStern.com for the rules.
Artie and a couple of listeners were goofing on Beetle to get him riled up. Beet was yelling at some people and freaking out on them. Artie tried to get him pissed too but it wasn't working all that well. A couple of people also told Sean and Beet that the cops may chase them off the billboard because it will be a distraction to the people driving by. Sean said they're paying rent on the billboard so they should be allowed to stay up there. Howard asked Sean where Beetle is going to go to the bathroom while they're up there. Sean told Howard that he's just going to go off the side of the billboard. A listener suggested that they video tape the whole thing. Howard said he was thinking of sending a camera out there himself. One woman even called in and said she'd go up there to help keep Beetlejuice warm. Beetle told her to come right up. Another caller said he was going to throw eggs at Beetle while he's up there. Beetle said that he'd chop the guy's head off if he threw eggs at him. The guy kept going with Beet and tried to get him even more riled up to get him going. He was doing a pretty good job but Beet wasn't getting all that pissed.
Howard spent a few more minutes goofing around with Beetle and Sean and then wrapped up the interview. For more info on Beetlejuice and his DVD visit JollyDwarf.com.
Howard had Erik come in to talk about the whole thing. Erik said he can walk and run 3.5 miles faster than Artie can. Artie said he can run on the treadmill at a 7.0 setting while Erik wants to run it slower. Howard thought that Artie was going to have a heart attack. Artie said he works out every day though. Robin said Artie can run at 7.0 while Erik attempts to run at 4.0 on the treadmill. Howard kept saying that he doesn't want to sit there for an hour while they run though. Erik claims that he can walk at 5 but none of the guys believe he can. Howard quickly mentioned that the Bally Total Fitness guys loaned them the treadmills.
Ken and John the EMS guys came in and said that Erik's blood pressure was 160 over 100 which is very high. Artie's was a little better at 130 over 70. Howard spent a minute talking to them about that.
Last week Erik called in and told Howard that he took the strap-on from porn star Zana that he'd turned down the week before. Howard asked Erik if he was lying about that today and what he'd owe him if he was lying. Howard told him he wanted Erik's computer if he was lying about it. Erik swears that he was telling the truth. Howard put Zana on the phone and she said Erik was lying about the whole thing. She never did the strap-on thing with her. She said that he's a liar and he never even went to her hotel room. She said he did come to see her at the strip club she was at but she never called him and she never had him at her hotel room. Erik swore to god that he was telling the truth... and then swore on his mother's life. Zana said that he never did it though. Howard went back and forth with them and eventually found out Erik was lying. He kept up the story but when Gary told him he'd be banned for life from the show if he didn't tell the truth right then. Erik eventually broke down and said he was lying. He said he wanted to talk to the guys in private. He said that he did see her at the club but that was it. He made up the rest of the story. He swore on his mother's life that he was telling the truth. Robin asked him what kind of pitiful mess he was to lie like that. Erik explained that he was really lonely that Saturday night and he wanted to spend time with Zana. Howard wanted to know why he called in and told that lie of a story. Erik said he was trying to make Zana happy and not depressed about what happened on the show. Erik said that all girls dump him when they talk to him. He said he went on a date back in 1998 and the girl dumped him a week later. Howard told him that he's a big, fat, smelly retard and no one is going to date him. Zana told Howard that Erik came to the club and she talked to him and his friend. She said they offered her a six-pack of beer to go back to their apartment. She didn't go of course. Howard told Erik to go to a burn center to pick up women. He'll have a better chance with women there. Howard gave Zana a plug for her web site NakedZana.com and got off the phone. Joey Boots called in and said Erik lied about the story to him also. He told Howard to let him run because maybe he'd die and he wouldn't have to take him to Hong Kong with him. Joey said Erik lied about hanging out with Anna Nicole Smith also. Erik started to tell that story but Howard cut him off and had another guy on the phone who met Erik years ago and complained about how disgusting he was. Howard bailed out on that conversation also.
Howard moved on to the treadmill challenge. Cindy from Bally's came in to control the speed. They had Erik on 6 and he was ready to fall off. Gary had to slow it down before he fell on his ass. He said he was running at a 12 minute mile pace. Artie was jogging just fine at the 6 speed. Howard said it sounded like a herd of elephants. Erik had to stop about a minute in because the pace was too fast for him. Artie was still running so they asked Erik if he was satisfied that Artie was better than him at running. Erik said there's no way Artie could do ten minutes at that pace. He even said he wanted to go out on a date with Artie's girlfriend if he could do the same. Howard was done with the whole thing by this time. He just wanted to end it all but Artie was still running.
Stuttering John came in and challenged Artie to run for an extended time at 7.5. Artie took the challenge and said he could run for 5 minutes at that speed. Howard wanted him to stop 2 minutes in but Artie said he was doing fine. He kept going even though Howard wanted him to stop. They had $200 riding on it so he just kept going. Artie even said he'd do the last minute at the 8 setting. During that minute Howard played a ''World's Meanest Listener'' entry about Artie. It wasn't the one he wanted though so he cut it short. Artie ran the full 5 minutes and won the $200 they had on him. Artie thanked Erik for coming in and said it was pretty anti-climactic. Howard thanked Cindy from Bally's and the EMS workers for coming in and ended the segment shortly after that.
After the commercial break Howard had the clip of Shepperd Smith almost saying ''blow job'' during a newscast playing. He was supposed to call in to the show to talk about the slip up but Howard said he canceled after his family decided it was best to try and forget about it. Gary apparently told him that people will forget about it in about 10 years when Howard stops playing the clip.
Howard talked about the ''World's Meanest Listener'' contest and how the entries are still rolling in. He replayed the roast of Artie he played on yesterday's show where the guy called Artie a ''lazy nig*er'' for some reason. Artie told Howard he likes that one because it's charming in a way. Howard had one from a guy who roasted Fred by being his new baby Tess. Howard thought that was boring though. Howard said Fred isn't getting all that much attention in this contest but that one was just boring. Howard replayed Yucko the Clown's roasting of him and figures he probably would have gone on with his forever if he could have. Sal the Stockbroker roasted Robin so Howard played that one. He was pretty brutal. After listening to that one, Howard said he thinks this contest was a bad idea. He said he doesn't like being roasted and they have to listen to this stuff for a month.
Howard mentioned that coming soon that have something called ''Lord of the Anal Ring Toss'' and said ''wait 'till you see this'' but didn't give any other details.
An 18 year old woman called in and brought up the ''It's Just Wrong'' game Howard has coming up featuring mothers and daughters. She said she's willing to get naked but her mother doesn't want to. Howard is going to have the mothers and daughters undressing each other so the only way she can get on is to have her 52 year old mother get naked along with her. Howard said he thinks they have enough contestants for the game but if anyone else is interested they can call in. KC came in and said they're all set for this week's game.
Howard took a call from a guy who said this roast contest is more like abuse. The guy said it hurts to hear some of the stuff these people are saying in their roasts. Double A called in and asked if Howard got his tape yet. Howard said he's sure they did but he hasn't heard it yet. Howard then played an entry from a guy who roasted Robin. He called her a ''moon cricket'' and said some other racist stuff in his minute. His delivery was very odd so Howard said he'd like to see what he looks like. Howard had enough of the roasting for the time so he stopped before replaying the Reverend Bob Levy's roasts of him and Robin. Check out HowardStern.com for the rules of the contest.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Mayor Michael Bloomberg isn't a Jew. He claims that he's related to the guy and he's actually Catholic... Howard didn't care so he hung up on the guy. A woman called in and told Howard to stop talking because he was on a music station. She seemed to have second thoughts about the call and hung up before Howard could hang up on her.
Howard brought up a news story about how Lisa Ling is going to be leaving ''The View.'' Howard said he's not surprised that she's leaving because it must be hell working with those other women. Howard was talking about how cute Lisa is so Robin wondered what order Howard would bang the cast of ''The View.'' Howard said he'd do Lisa, then Merideth Viera, Barbara Walters, Joy Bahar and then Star Jones. He spent a few more minutes talking about Ling's leaving the show and how she's going to go work for a National Geographic TV show. That led to Howard talking about the National Geographic magazine and how he used to get off on seeing naked chicks in the magazine when he was a kid. He said even the awful looking boobs in the magazine were great to see when he was a kid. These days there's plenty of porn for kids to see on the web.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and talked about Lisa Ling and some of the reasons she heard for her leaving. She also asked Howard to do an F***, Marry, Kill game with Merideth Viera, Star Jones and Joy Bahar Howard said he'd Marry Merideth, Kill Star Jones and F*** Joy Bahar.
Howard changed subjects again and said he can't believe how much coverage there is in the paper about Lady Di. He's been reading some of the stuff they're claiming in the paper and said that he's learned that Lady Di liked penis. Howard spent a few minutes talking about that and played the Red Peters tribute to Princess Diana.
A woman called in and asked Howard about anal sex. Howard said he likes talking about it but isn't all that much into it. He said he thinks that it's kind of gay in a way. Howard said that Robin loved it when she had it. Robin told him that she doesn't ''love it'' but she did have a good experience with it that one time in the bathroom with the stranger. Howard told Robin that he believes that she will have at least one more experience with it in her life. Howard told the woman on the phone that if you have a perfectly good vagina there, why do anal? Howard said he doesn't go there with his girlfriend because her vagina is perfectly fine. The woman changed subjects and asked Howard about the dog he's thinking of getting. She gave him some advice about the English Bulldog he's looking into getting next year sometime. Howard said that he's doing a lot of research into the dog and when he makes his decision and everyone sees the puppy, they will know it's ''the chosen one.'' Howard said he will not be getting a male dog because he doesn't want to see the dog's ''junk'' hanging out.
Melrose Larry Green called in so Howard spent a few minutes with him. Howard said a friend of his saw Melrose hanging out in front of the FX studios yelling about them dropping ''Son of the Beach.'' Howard wanted her to give the phone to Melrose but she said she didn't want to go anywhere near the guy. Howard went on to talk about Melrose's girlfriend and how he pays her bills and only gets sex from her like once a month. Howard goofed on him about that for a minute and then let Melrose do his thing. Melrose wanted to know if he can roast Elegant Elliott Offen for the ''World's Meanest Listener'' contest. Howard told him he can roast anyone he wants. If it's funny, they'll play it. Melrose had tape of Lisa Ling talking about leaving on ''The View'' that he played for Howard. That got Howard talking about the show for a short time. Melrose started rambling about something that Howard didn't care about so he was about to hang up on him. Gary Garver called in and asked Melrose about something he'd written about him being ''mean spirited'' on his web site. Melrose denied it and Howard was done with him so he ended up hanging up on him as he usually does.
Howard said the E! crew followed Beetlejuice and his manager Sean after the show yesterday. Beetle was going to live on the billboard they have on the New Jersey Turnpike. Howard said the tape they have is going to be funnier than Jeff the Drunk falling down at the station that they recently played. Howard played the clip for Robin and Artie and they thought it was pretty funny. Beetlejuice apparently fell off the ladder to the billboard. Howard said he's going to put that on his E! show so everyone can see it. Artie described Beetle's ass hitting Sean's shoulder and falling backward. Robin Radzinski from E! came in and said she's not sure when it will be airing yet but it should be pretty soon. She said they have a wide shot of the same scene that's also pretty funny. Howard said they had funny tape of Gary at one of his appearances where he got stuck in a barrel where a bull was supposed to come out. That led to Howard talking about what Gary does at these appearances he makes. He said that Gary really doesn't do anything except sign autographs. Howard said Gary just got booked for some event where they're going to take a giant picture of him and kids will shoot hockey pucks through his teeth. Gary said that he's booked for this Las Vegas Royals thing out in Vegas and people will be shooting pucks through his teeth. Gary told Howard that he got a call from a guy who wanted him to appear in a gorilla suit while they played a Baba Booey song. Gary said he figured it had to be a joke but it was a real offer.
KC came in and said he gets some strange requests too. He said he gets calls from gay guys who want him to appear at their gay bachelor party. KC won't appear at anything like that though. Howard told him he should do it and suggested that someone get tape of it when it happens. The guys talked about gay stuff for a couple of minutes and asked KC if he'd pose for gay porn if he didn't have to do anything gay in the pictures. He said he wouldn't do it. Gay Rich called in and said there is something called ''Gay for Pay'' where they take pictures of guys doing gay stuff but they're not really doing anything gay. They apparently take Viagra and get excited so they can take the pictures but they don't do anything gay. Howard hung up on Gay Rich and brought up the time that Fred was drunk and had Rich on his lap at a strip club.
Howard talked about how the National Enquirer reported that Harrison Ford uses Viagra. Howard said it's just wrong to do that but then wondered why a 60 year old guy is using viagra. Howard said he's still going strong.
Debbie Schlussel called in and brought up the make over thing again. She's coming in on Friday and Howard wanted to do a make over on her but she doesn't want that to happen. Howard wanted his girlfriend Beth to come in to give her some advice but Debbie doesn't even want that. She's apparently getting upset about that. Howard insists that Debbie needs a make over but she doesn't think she does. She said that she looks great and she doesn't want any make over. Howard told her that her clothes are ill fitting but she argued that they're not. They went back and forth a couple of seconds but Howard said he didn't want to keep doing that. Stuttering John came in and said that Debbie is a ''little off'' and needs that help. Artie told Debbie that he could make her much hotter with one word... ''Shut-up.'' Stuttering John told Debbie that she is like a 6 that could be a 7. She thinks that she's a 9 without any help. The guys were also arguing about Debbie's dress size. Howard still believes that she needs the make over but she refuses to even listen to what he has to say.
After taking another break Howard had Melrose on the phone again. Melrose mentioned that former Mayor Ed Koch is 90 years old. Howard brought up how actor James Coburn just died at the age of 74. Howard talked about how cool the guy was and some of the movies he was in.
Melrose quizzed Howard on the age of some people after that. He asked Howard who he thought was older, Jimmy Page or Rod Stewart. Robin gave an answer before Howard did and spoiled the game. It turns out Jimmy Page is older than Rod Stewart by a year. Howard and the guys talked about that for a short time. Howard then said his door man went to see Tom Jones down in Atlantic City over the weekend and thought it was a great concert. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said someone he knows went to see the concert also.
Howard said Elegant Elliott Offen tried to get into the station recently and Ronnie had to stop him from barging in. Luckily they had an audio clip of Ronnie, who is security for the show, stopping Elliott from trying to barge in. Elliott was yelling at Ronnie but Ronnie just kept telling him he couldn't come in. Howard told Ronnie that he's just supposed to be security, not do his own show by egging on someone like Elliott.
Ronnie told a story about seeing Melrose out in L.A. driving around in an old Plymouth K-car but Howard didn't seem to care. Melrose threw in a few more celebrity age quizzes before Howard hung up on him again.
Howard took a call from Mike Gaffney who Ronnie was talking about earlier. Gaffney went to see Tom Jones so Howard spent a short time talking to him about that.
Howard was talking about a picture of Christina Aguilera he had that shows her naked breasts. This guy had the original, not the air brushed shot that will appear in magazines. Howard said he's not allowed to give out the URL to the web site they got it from though.
Robin asked Howard what ever happened to Rob Zombie. Howard got an invitation to his wedding but then he got a cancellation letter and never heard from him again. Howard said he was going to call Rob but his number was changed.
Howard took a call from Erik the Midget who is a huge fan of Kelly Clarkson from American Idol. He told Howard that he went to the American Idol concert and it was ''good.'' Howard and Artie spent some time goofing on Erik about the concert and how he'll never get Kelly Clarkson. Howard played some of her music and talked about how gay it is. He and Artie were doing their bad DJ impressions and talking up the music. Howard used the call letters WHOMO for his radio station. Artie called it WFAE. They had Erik tell them about the concert. He said he went with his mother so Howard and Artie goofed on him about that. Howard asked him if he ever asks his mother to make out with him so other hot chicks will think he's happening. Erik said that has never happened. The guys asked Erik if he wears a Kelly Clarkson t-shirt. He said he doesn't have one and didn't get one at the concert. He said he got a poster of her though. He said he didn't hang it up yet because he doesn't have room on his walls. Howard asked him if he has pictures of guy's sacks on his wall that are taking up the room. That got Artie laughing pretty hard. They goofed on him about that for a couple of minutes since the music he seems to like is so ''gay.''
Howard asked Erik if he pleasured himself to any of the American Idol people after the show. He says he didn't but Howard didn't believe him. Howard said he usually gives Erik money when he calls in so he was going to give him another $500 today. He said he wasn't allowed to spend it on any of that American Idol crap though. The money was courtesy of Acclaim's BMX XXX video game that's available for most current video game systems. Howard got off the phone after that.
Lisa is well known for dating black guys and talking about it in her act so Howard spent a few minutes talking to her about that. She said that she can't get any good looking white guys so she decided to go black instead. She said she doesn't date the good ones though, she goes with the ones whose ankle bracelets go off. He said she can get some good looking guys though. She said she has a big ass and the black guys like that. Howard asked her if she's allowed to say ''nigga'' since she dates black guys. She said she actually says ''nig*er'' because her boyfriend forces her to give him oral when she says that word. She said she's worn that word down to the nub.
Lisa also went out with Joey Boots and banged him. Joey was on the phone to talk about that. Joey said that Lisa told him he was one of the best lovers she ever had. She told Howard that was true. Howard spent a short time talking to the two of them before getting Joey off the phone. He took a break a short time later. After the break Lisa hung around to comment on the news with Howard and the guys. Howard also spent a couple more minutes talking to her about banging black guys and why she gave up on white guys. Howard read that she used to hang out at a diner near a hip hop club to pick up black guys. She said she used to do that but she has a guy now she's been seeing for a while. You can find out more about Lisa on her web site at InsultComic.com.
After the break Howard said he has a bunch of ''World's Meanest Listener'' contest entries to play today. Later this week they're doing ''Mother/Daughter It's Just Wrong'' and ''Stump the Booey.'' Howard talked a little bit about the 2 hour finale of ''The Bachelor'' that's coming up tonight. He spent a couple of minutes talking about who he thinks the Bachelor will actually pick and how annoying one of the women is who keeps saying ''cool'' over and over. Howard went on to talk about how some women's group is trying to get CBS to not show their ''Victoria's Secret'' fashion show because it's pornography. Howard said it's not pornography and the women who are trying to stop it are annoying. Howard and Artie spent a couple of minutes talking about fashion shows. Artie said they're depressing to him. Howard said he went to one and he felt like a loser hanging around the models. Robin pointed out that some of the girls you stare at in these shows are only 14 years old anyway.
Howard read a story about a guy in Washington state who was bitten by his own rattlesnake. He was kissing the snake when it bit him. Howard said it's weird when a guy has to show other people that he has a connection with his pet snake. The article said that a friend of the victim stomped on the snake and killed it after it bit the guy. The guy survived after being flown to a hospital via helicopter.
Howard brought up the big story that was on the news last night. Michael Jackson ended up dangling his young son, Prince Michael II, over the balcony of his hotel room. Howard said it was one of the freakiest video's he's ever seen. Howard said if you want to check out the video you can find it on CNN.com and they have 3 different angles. Howard said it was really freaky and if it had happened in New York City, he'd be in jail by now. Howard talked about how the kid seemed to be struggling to get away from Jackson as he held him over the edge. Howard joked that the kid tried to jump over the edge to get away from that freak Michael Jackson. Jackson issued a statement after doing that saying he had a lapse in judgement. Robin said she bets that happens a lot. Howard said that he heard a theory that Jackson's nanny said ''it's time to change the baby'' and Jackson thought that meant that he was getting a new one so he could throw that one over the balcony. Howard had a couple of other jokes like that which he told. Howard, Robin and Artie spent a few minutes talking about the story and how strange Jackson is. Howard also wondered where the mother of these kids has been. She seems to have disappeared. Howard said it seems the whiter Jackson gets, the crazier he gets. Howard pointed out how white guys have always been the craziest and named people like Hitler, Jeffrey Dahmer and a bunch of others. A listener called in and said that what Jackson did wasn't that bad looking. He said he held the kid over the edge for a second and pulled him back. Howard said you never put your kid's life in danger like that. Howard told the guy that the baby had a towel over it's head and Jackson wasn't even holding the kid the right way. The caller was arguing about it so Howard just said it was a ridiculous argument and hung up on him. A few other callers had some things to add to the discussion. One guy asked how they can let a guy have a baby after so much controversy in his life... but he was talking about Fred. He said he was just busting Fred's balls though. Howard ended up talking about his visit with Fred and his new baby the other day and how he had to leave when Fred started to get emotional about his baby daughter. Howard said he brought that up with his therapist and told him that he thinks he's wasted three years with him.
Shuli called in and asked Howard what the worst appearance was that he ever made out in public. He told him he did one up in Canada before he was famous and ended up having eggs thrown at him. He said he was forced to do stuff by the station he was working for at the time and people didn't want to see him. He told a couple of other stories about doing appearances. He did one where he raced a car against some other celebrities when he was in Detroit. He said he doesn't like to drive fast and didn't want to die for the station he was working for. Robin said she had to do a couple of appearances years ago but she didn't have any horror stories like Howard did. Howard brought up one appearance they did together at a five and dime store in Washington D.C. and people ended up breaking the plate glass window. He also told one story about a young girl coming up to him at an appearance and when he told the girl her mother was hot, the girl kicked him in the nuts. Gary came in and said he's seen pictures of Howard in tights at some event. Howard said that was when he was wrestling women years ago. He said he won every match he did though. Howard said he even fell asleep on the air for an hour and a half one time and no one noticed. He had some guests that were doing lines of coke when he woke up. Shuli made a suggestion to Howard about smoking up on a show one day. Howard said he can't smoke pot anymore because he gets too paranoid. He told a story about smoking while he was out in Los Angeles one time. He said his agent told him that if he ever smokes again he's going to kill him. Howard said he won't smoke again.
Shuli asked Howard if he got his entry into the ''World's Meanest Listener'' contest yet. Howard said he had a bunch but wasn't sure if he had his. Shuli said he went out and had some homeless guys read his roast material but they were really slow reading it so the time was up too quick. Howard took another break after Shuli got off the phone.
Howard said he's been ripped off again. He said he was pitching a show idea to E! for something like ''The Evaluators'' they do on the radio show. Howard said he recently got some e-mail from some listeners who told him that ABC is putting a show on called ''Are You Hot'' in which judges will pick women apart and tell them if they're hot or not. Howard said he thinks he has a lawsuit with this whole thing.
Howard brought up the ''World's Meanest Listener'' contest and played a few more entries. The first one was a roast of Robin by a guy who did an impression of her talking about what she does and doesn't do on the show. Howard then played Reverend Bob Levy's (revboblevy.net) Artie roast. It was another great entry by the crazy comedian. Howard played another entry which was a roast of him. The guy was doing some really weird accent and saying the stuff Howard has been doing lately is because of a mid life crisis. Howard didn't seem to like that one. The next one was just a woman complaining about Robin. She wasn't really roasting her, just complaining and asking questions about Robin. Howard and the guys were trying to figure out what she was talking about. Howard said there are a lot of good entries in this contest so far. If you want to enter visit HowardStern.com for all of the rules.
Howard had a Mystery Record to play. He said that whoever gets it right wins $500 courtesy of Acclaim's BMX XXX video game. Howard played a couple of the songs and they were like Irish-type songs. Artie took a guess and said it was Liam Nieson. Howard took a call from a guy who didn't know the answer. Howard took another call and the guy guessed Richard Harris. He was wrong. Howard tried another caller who guessed Mel Gibson. Another guy guessed Russel Crowe. Neither of them were right. Howard kept playing bits and pieces of the song but no one was getting it. Howard thought it might be Richard Gere but he was wrong too. A caller guessed the same thing a few seconds later. Howard said it might be Dennis Franz, not right. Gary told the guys to stick with the foreign actor thing and they'd get it. They went through a bunch of names but no one was getting it. It turns out it was Pierce Brosnan. Robin guessed it correctly. Howard said there's something wrong with that guy. Artie said he sounds like he's 80 years old singing that crap. A woman called in and said that she guessed the correct answer before Robin did. Stuttering John said she really did so Howard gave her the $500 prize. He took a break a short time later.
Howard had a few more ''World's Meanest Listener'' contest entries to play. He played one from Yucko the Clown who roasted Robin. He was extremely brutal and racist with his entry. He called her a ''nig*er'' more than a few times. He also sang a few racists songs in his minute long clip.
Howard interrupted the roasting to play some ''The Onion Radio News'' clips since he hadn't played them in a while. He only got through one but said he loves those guys and the phony news stories they do. Artie brought up Yucko's racist roast of Robin and said that Yucko and other southern racists seem to like to rhyme the word ''nig*er'' with ''trigger'' quite a bit. Fred played some of the Johnny Rebel songs that they've played before on the show. The guys spent a few minutes goofing on those too.
Howard read a story in the Weekly World News about how a priest wants to exorcise the evil spirits out of Howard Stern and get him off the radio. The priest gets holy water and does a while ritual for an hour and then listens to the whole show and tries to find out if his exorcism has worked. The guy also lists all of the stuff he despises about the show in the article. Robin said the guy can come in and perform the exorcism right there in the studio if he wants.
Howard spent a few more minutes talking about some other news stories. He also came across something about a concert his radio station his sponsoring. One of the bands they mentioned was Audioslave. Howard said he had no idea who that was so Stuttering John told him it's Chris Cornell and the members of Rage Against the Machine. Howard said he thought they broke up but John said they're playing in this ''Claus Fest'' concert. Howard wanted to hear some of the Audioslave music so KC brought in the CD. Howard checked it out and said he's glad his station doesn't play that gay stuff. The song he played started out really hard which he seemed to like. Howard said he doesn't get a chance to listen to his own radio station because he doesn't get reception in his apartment. After hearing a few seconds of the song he said it just wasn't doing it for him. He said he likes Chris Cornell but it wasn't doing it for him. KC gave him the Queens of the Stone Age CD next so Howard checked it out. He didn't like the singer's voice though. He said it kind of ruined the song. He said it was good but it wasn't killing him. He played some of The Vines too but said that wasn't doing it for him either.
Howard took a couple of phone calls and then got to this game he had been talking about all morning. He had some money to give away courtesy of Acclaim's BMX XXX video game. They had a quiz they did with porn star Tabitha Stevens to play with. He got a caller on the line and had him play. The guy had to guess whether Tabitha would answer correctly or not. He had to get 3 out of 5 correct. Howard gave the guy a couple of warm up questions to let him get a feel for how she would answer. Here are the warm-ups:
During the news a guy called in who said he needed some money pretty bad. He told Howard that he'd be willing to eat his own doody and wash it down with his urine. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to the guy but told him that he doesn't think he wants to see that. The guy was really desperate though so Howard let him play the Tabitha Stevens game. Howard decided he'd make it easy and told the guy that he only had to get one out of 3 correct to win. He played the first question which was ''Who is the host of the Conan O'Brien show?'' The caller said that Tabitha would know the correct answer. Howard played her answer and she was right so Howard gave the guy $1000 of that BMX XXX money.
Howard took a call from a guy who watched the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show last night. Howard said he didn't see it because he fell asleep. He went on to say that his girlfriend went out and bought some stuff from Victoria's Secret and was going to do a little show of her own. Howard said she went to the bathroom to change so he farted in the bed because he figured she'd be a few minutes. She came out a little early and caught a whiff of the fart. She was dressed in her little outfit but when she smelled the fart she ran out, got in her pajamas and went to bed. The guys said that he's getting too comfortable with her now. The guy on the phone, Double A, said he was watching the Victoria's Secret thing and looking at BethO.com (link removed, do not visit) on his computer and he thinks that Beth is hotter than all of the Victoria's Secret models. Howard spent a minute talking about how he used to have porn on his TV and on his computer years ago too. Gary came in and talked about the Victoria's Secret special and some of the stuff that was going on during the show. Stuttering John came in too and said that the models on the show are emaciated and don't look that great. The guys spent a few more minutes talking about some of the other stuff that was featured on the show. They brought up Mark McGrath from the band Sugar Ray and how he's dating Heidi Klum now. They said he looked really stiff on the show. Double A said he can't wait until he gets the Beth O calendar. Howard said it's all done now and it will be shipped out soon. Gary was complaining that they didn't have enough women on the show because they were doing so many other dopey things with guys. Howard said they should sue over that.
Gary and Stuttering John talked to Howard about fart-blocking himself with Beth for a short time. They were talking about how she's now smelling his farts. Howard said Beth says he farts in his sleep so she's been smelling them for a while now.
Artie's eating came up during discussion about how little Beth eats. Artie was saying that he woke up late last night and had a meatball and pepper sandwich and some of his favorite drink, chocolate milk.
Howard gave Stuttering John a gift that Beth got for his wife. It was from Victoria's Secret and Beth said that John will love it. John said he hasn't had sex with his wife since October 4th. He said he just has no desire to have sex. He said he doesn't even want to pleasure himself. Howard wondered if he's on some kind of medication or something. He says he's not and doesn't know why he doesn't want it these days. Howard ended the call with Double A and said he likes hearing that guys get hot over her. He took a break a short time later.
After the break Howard said he just read an article about a group of kids who are suing McDonalds because they're fat. Howard wondered why only fat people can sue these fast food restaurants. Howard said you know that the food is no good for you. He asked Robin what she thought a Big Mac, fries and some other stuff was calorie wise. She said 1800 and Howard told her she was right. He went through a bunch of other food from McDonalds and what their calorie content was. A serving of Chicken McNuggets has like 900 calories or something like that. Gary said he brings his kids there once in a while but tries to get them some type of chicken meal. He said the kids really enjoy going there for the toys they offer. Howard told Gary he can say ''no'' to them but Gary said he does but not all the time. Howard said his kids were never into McDonalds so he lucked out. That led to the guys talking about the way they ate when they were kids. Howard said they used to sit and watch TV while they ate. Howard said if he asked his father a question he'd get pissed at him. Gary said something about how he wants to fall asleep at the kitchen table these days. Howard told him he's over worked. He works his job on the show and has to go home and take care of the kids. Gary told Howard that he's having some work done on his house and they had to move their stuff from the first floor. He said the other night his wife told him he'd forgotten to move some relatively light stuff. Instead of just telling her to move it the next morning, he put his slippers on and went down and moved the stuff. He said it's easier to do that than getting her pissed off by telling her to do it herself. Howard and Stuttering John told him how he should do it. He's the one bringing the money into the house so he should tell her that there would be none of this work going on without him so she should do the work. Howard and the guys discussed Gary's situation for a while and told him what he could do if he has to get divorced. Gary was thinking about his kids but Howard told him they'd be fine. Howard told him that he could reorganize his family and just tell the kids that it's not the end of the family. Howard told him to get out while he's ahead. Howard went on to talk about divorce and how unfair it ends up being. Howard was advising Gary to put some money in some off shore accounts to hide his money. Gary said it's not worth going through all of that. He shared some of the issues he has with doing stuff on his own at home with the guys. He said that he enjoys his kids and when he flies out to Las Vegas for the weekend he's going to miss seeing his kids. Howard didn't think that was a big deal though. The guys continued to discuss their marriages and how they've handled stuff. Howard said he threw money at the situation and had people helping out around his house. He said John is doing it right and has his wife in line. John said he's the one bringing in the money so his wife has to take care of stuff around the house. Howard said you have to pretend to be miserable with your job so it seems like you're working hard for the money. John said he's been doing that from the beginning so he has his wife convinced that he's working hard. Howard said Gary's wife has him convinced that he's got a piece-of-cake job and he's not working that hard. Artie shared a couple of stories about some friends of his and they way they've handled their marriages.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's gone through all of this and his wife ended up taking everything from him. He said his wife controls everything now. Howard said anyone who gets married should have their heads examined. Howard ended up talking about how great we have it here in the United States. He brought up last night's ''The Bachelor'' and how that guy is living. The guys spent some time talking about the bachelor and the woman he picked as the final woman. Howard and the guys spent some time talking about the final two women the guy had to pick from. Howard said he thought the woman that won, Helene, was really annoying. He said he liked the Southern Belle better. Howard said the bachelor ended up proposing to the woman at the end of the show and she said yes to him.
Howard took another call from a guy who gave Gary some advice about his marriage. He told him that he has to stick up for himself in his marriage. The guy said unless she's good at sucking the chrome off... Howard interrupted him and said that she doesn't even do that. Howard asked Gary when he got laid last. Gary said he got some last Saturday night after getting his wife drunk. He pointed out that Stuttering John hasn't gotten any since October 4th. John ended up bringing up a party he had where Gary had to run around chasing his kids while his wife rested. He brings that up every once in a while and laughs hysterically as he tells the story. Gary said he wishes he could dispute the story but it's true.
Howard changed subjects and got Pat Lalama from the TV show ''Celebrity Justice'' on the phone. Howard and Robin asked her what the show was all about since they haven't seen much of it. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to her about the show and what celebrities they've had on the show. Pat mentioned a couple of names like Dustin Hoffman and Meryl Streep. Howard asked her in what way they were on. She said they asked celebrities about what laws they think should be changed and that's how they got Dustin Hoffman. Howard said that doesn't count though. Howard asked Pat about some other woman that he thought was on Celebrity Justice but he had the wrong show. He ended up asking Pat if she's hot or not. She said she might be but when Howard found out she's 48 he stopped the questioning.
Howard moved on to ask Pat about the recent Michael Jackson incident where he dangled his infant child over the balcony of his hotel room. Pat said that anyone can go in and sign a complaint about what Jackson did and child services will have to investigate it. She said it's just a matter of getting someone to actually do that. Howard and Robin said they should do it themselves. Howard said he could have Dominic Barbara file the complaint. Pat went on to explain how Jackson has been under a lot of pressure because he has some kind of lawsuit going on right now. She went on and on about that for a short time and then wrapped up the call.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who brought up some special he saw about the ''Bond Women'' from the James Bond movies. Howard said he saw some of the women and they've all hit the wall. He said the woman who played Pussy Galore now looks like Penis Galore. Howard said he can't wait for Halle Berry to hit the wall. He said she'll look like Florida from ''Good Times'' in ten years. He took a break after that discussion.
Howard played a ''World's Meanest Listener'' contest entry from a woman who sounds like she's pleasuring herself while she talks about Gary. By the end of it she was moaning ''Baba Bukkake'' over and over again. She wasn't roasting him though, she was masturbating while thinking about him. Howard played another entry from a guy who roasted Robin. He went off on her about the way she laughs at the end of every story she reads during her news. Check HowardStern.com for the rules to the contest.
Howard said that Jim Florentine (JimFlorentine.com) has remastered his ''Terrorizing Telemarketers'' CDs and they're great. He played a new track, Road Rage, from Volume 1 and it was great as all of his calls are. Jim takes a call from a telemarketer and pretends he's in his car on his cell phone. He gets cut off by someone and ends up getting beat up by a guy (Don Jamieson). The guy then takes the call and asks the woman about the investments she was talking about. He has to keep kicking Jim's ass to keep him from getting back on the phone.
Howard took a call from a listener who wondered if he saw the Victoria's Secret special last night. Howard ended up retelling the story about farting and spoiling his night with Beth last night. The caller said the special was great but Artie said he turned it off after a half hour because it was so boring. The caller ended up telling a story about giving anal to his girlfriend's mother. He tried to get some advice from Howard about how he can get the daughter to let him do anal on her. Howard said he didn't have any advice for him though. Howard ended up talking about how there were thousands of guys watching that Victoria's Secret special while they whacked off. He said Kleenex should have sponsored it.
Howard moved on to the ''Stump the Booey'' game after doing all of that. They have $5000 to give away so they have this game called ''Stump the Booey'' where people come in and try to beat Gary in a music trivia game. Howard plays clips of songs from the 70's and 80's and they have to try and guess the name of the song and the artist who performed it. Gary is very knowledgeable in that area and hasn't been beaten yet. Today's contestant was this guy Drew. He's 45 years old and thinks he can beat Gary because he knows quite a bit about music. He said people settle music bets using him. Gary also met his wife at a party Drew had.
Howard said the $5000 is courtesy of ''The Jamie Kennedy Experiement'' which airs on the WB network. Howard told the guys the rules for playing and then played the first song. Gary and Drew both wrote down their answers pretty quick. Both said it was ''She's a Beauty'' by The Tubes. Howard played the second song and both wrote it down immediately. They both got ''Poison Arrow'' by ABC. Howard wondered where Gary got this talent. He explained that he used to listen to a lot of radio and he worked in a record store. Howard moved on and played the third song after listening to ''Poison Arrow'' a little more. Robin said Gary was writing immediately but Drew was a little slower. He didn't have an answer. Howard asked Drew what it was and he guessed ''The Don't Knows.'' Gary got it right but rambled off the name of the song... it was something featuring Phil Collins. Howard played the next one and both got it right with ''SAFETY Dance'' by Men without Hats. Gary was 4 for 4 at this point and Drew was 3 for 4. Drew had one last chance to win if Gary missed the next one. Howard played the final song and both of them wrote down their answers. They both got it right when they answered ''Keep Your Hands To Yourself'' by Georgia Satellites. Gary kept the money in the house. Gary pointed out that Gary has had a perfect record so far in the game. Gary said Drew was trash talking him out in the green room but he ended up blowing it. Drew started to say ''four out of five isn't bad'' but Gary cut him off and said ''four out of five isn't five out of five.'' Artie asked Howard to play some more ''SAFETY Dance'' for him before they moved on. He said it ''brings him back'' to the old days. Howard pretended he was broadcasting on WNBC again playing those horrible songs.
Howard seems to think that he could have banged Rebecca at one point. Artie told Howard that he worked with Rebecca in ''Dirty Work'' and got to talk to her for like 20 minutes. He said he couldn't believe someone that hot was so nice. He also said when a hot chick like that talks to you, you think that she might be interested. That's probably why Howard thinks he could have banged her. Howard said most people that hang around him usually end up leaving anyway.
John was really calling in to promote this ''Martin and Lewis'' NBC special that's airing this Sunday night at 9pm. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about the show with John who produced the special. Howard wondered how he got involved in that project. John said he loved those guys and just got involved in the project and it took off. John said Jerry Lewis liked the script and didn't want anything changed. He said it's pretty dark stuff but Lewis liked it. He even liked Sean Hayes playing him in the special. After talking about that for a few minutes Howard wrapped up the call.
The Rev. came in just before Howard took a commercial break. Howard took a couple of phone calls from some wacky women so Bob threw in a few jokes about them. One woman actually thought the Heidi Klum interview was real. Howard then played Bob's ''World's Meanest Listener'' entry for Artie as he went to commercial break. After the break Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to Levy. He also played his other entries into the ''World's Meanest Listener'' contest. So far he's submitted 3 including Howard, Robin and Artie... and they're all brutal. While Howard was playing Bob roasting Robin and him Bob said that his wife was getting mad at him about the roasts until she found out about the $25,000 prize money and the Dodge Durango. Robin said Bob was sitting there listening to his masterpieces like he had written a beautiful song or something. Artie said it was like watching Barry Manilow hear himself sing Mandee. He also said that Bob said the name of his sitcom will be ''Three Weeks'' because that's how long it'll be on the air. Artie then said that it's actually gonna be called ''You'll Never See Bob Levy On This...''
Howard played a few other entries for the ''World's Meanest Listener'' contest from some listeners. A couple of guys roasted Howard pretty good. Howard started to play Sal the Stockbroker's latest entry about Gary but he only got about 10 seconds in before he shut it off. Sal was saying that he was going to break into Gary's house and rape his little monkey kids. Howard said he'd play the rest of it on tomorrow's show.
Howard spent some time talking about a few news stories he found interesting before having Robin do her news. He talked about how Mayor Bloomberg is thinking of putting the homeless people of New York on a cruise ship of their own. The guys goofed on that for a short time. Howard then spent a little while talking about Liza Minelli being interviewed by Larry King. He played a clip from that disaster and goofed on her for a short time.
The guys talked about ''The Bachelor'' too. Howard was complaining about the chick who won and how annoying she was. Levy said that all women are like that and that's why he has his own room in his house. He said he can't get divorced because he doesn't want to lose his son. He said he doesn't want subject his kid to weekend visits. If he wanted to do that he'd just see a black kid... That he'd find anywhere hanging out on the weekend. Howard didn't seem to get that joke though. Howard went on say that the show shouldn't be called a ''reality show'' because the guy is rich and the chicks are all hot. He said ''The Bachelor'' should be a guy that makes $20,000 a year who is 20 pounds overweight. Robin said she sees Artie in that show. Howard said they would tell the guy he can win a million bucks if he can get a really hot chick, who's out of his league, to bang him twice in two weeks. He said they'd have judges that watch hidden video of the guy and the chick to make sure she's hot enough and way out of his league. The guy wouldn't be able to tell the woman that he's doing it for the money either.
Howard's buddy Ralph called in to talk about ''The Bachelor'' for a short time. He hadn't seen the whole season so he wondered how the guy ended up with two pigs like that. He and Howard spent a couple of minutes discussing that before Howard moved on to do Robin's news. He gave Bob a couple more plugs for his appearance with The Murderers Row guys in Plainview. (Check out the show if you're in the area. It's great stuff.) Bob hung around during the rest of Robin's newscast to comment on the news stories Robin brought up.
During Robin's news Howard played a clip of a new Kidd Chris (KiddShow.com) phony phone call. He called Gary the Retard and played a bunch of clips of different people's voices. Gary didn't know it was a scam and kept talking to all of the different voices which included another retard by the name of Ernie, George Takei and Arnold Schwarzenegger. During the call Gary argues that he's better on the air than the other retard. He also drops Howard's name a lot during the call. The Rev wondered if that's from a tape called ''When Retards Attack.''
Howard played an entry into the ''World's Meanest Listener'' contest. It was a guy who kept saying ''Robin was molested by her father!'' over and over again as if he was teasing her.
Howard announced that he's looking for a TV show cast that is willing to play dodge ball against his show. He suggested the new Elon Gold show ''In Laws'' and their cast. Howard said the other guys on the show can't wait to play so Howard said he'd go along with it. Artie said he hopes the cast of ''Dawson's Creek'' call them up. Gary came in and said that one of the guys said he'd love to taunt Paul Shaffer if the Letterman show wants to play them. Artie told Howard that they need Dominic Barbara on the show to stand on the front line.
Howard also said that they're looking for white men who act black, or ''wiggers'', to come in next Monday. They have a guy like that who works on the E! show who came in and said he's not going to be part of what they have planned. Howard had the guy, Isaac, rap a little bit for them. Artie pointed out that he's also Jewish so he's actually a ''Jigger.'' Howard goofed on him a little bit about the rapping thing. Mike Gange came in and said that Isaac is in a group that competes against other groups of rappers like they do in the movie ''8 Mile.'' Howard asked him about that and goofed on him a little more. Artie told him he's like Eminem without the success. Howard thought he was kind of creepy talking the way he was talking this morning. He asked Isaac if he's ever had a black woman. Isaac said that he's got no women in his life at this point. A guy called in who wants to be part of this wigger thing Howard is doing on Monday. He's from Greenwich, Connecticut so he's pretty far from the 'hood. Another guy called in who didn't sound like a wigger at all. Howard said they want guys who can freestyle and sound black. If you're interested call 1-800-44-STERN to get in on it. He joked that the prize is food stamps and government cheese. Howard wanted Isaac to dance to a rap song they had playing but Isaac said he needed a woman there to dance with. Howard took a couple more phone calls from some lame wiggers. He gave out the phone number again and told people to just call in and they'd pick them for Monday's contest. Howard had Fred playing Mystikal's ''Bumpin Me Against the Wall'' which he loves. He wondered why the song isn't the number one song in the world. Robin told Howard that the guy is in jail for some reason right now. Howard had to take a break shortly after that.
Howard said he wants to have his real father do the voice for himself in the cartoon. Howard went through some of the other ideas he has for the cartoon and they sound pretty funny.
Artie asked Howard if they're going to get Kim Cattrell to appear in the remake of ''Porky's.'' Howard said they're not even near that point in the production yet so he has no idea what's going to happen yet. He said they hope to start shooting by next summer though.
Howard got back to the cartoon again and said he hasn't signed with a network yet for the ''Young Howard Stern'' cartoon so don't expect to see it soon. Howard went on to tell us even more ideas he has for the cartoon. A lot of the stuff is real stuff that happened to him when he was younger. Howard described one scene where his mother will be giving him an anal thermometer to take his temperature just like she did when he was a kid. Howard said his mother seemed to enjoy doing that to him even though he hated it. Robin said it was completely unnecessary to take his temperature back there. Howard said he may have been 15 years old the last time she took his temperature analy.
Howard moved on and took some phone calls. One guy, Dwayne, asked Howard how he got over being such a loser when he was a kid. Howard said he's not sure he got out of being a loser but when he moved out of his parents house it helped a lot. The guy also asked Howard when he first got laid. Howard told him about getting laid at 16 and some of the stuff that happened with that. Howard told some other stories about getting laid when he was in high school too. Howard claims that he had about 10 women before he got married. He said about 5 of those he had sex with more than one time. The guy on the phone laughed at Howard when he heard that. Howard said when he got divorced he had about 3 dates and got involved in an long term relationship again with Beth. Howard said he thought he was going to be with a lot of women after the divorce but Robin knew that he was going to get into another long term relationship again. Howard said he gets tempted by some of the women that come on the show but he likes the relationship he has with Beth and doesn't want to ruin that.
Howard spent a few minutes taking phone calls and killing some time talking about the Victoria's Secret special that was on the other night. Howard said he watched it last night and Artie was right about it being boring. He didn't enjoy it much. Artie said it was a rip off.
Howard also brought up ''The Bachelor'' and played a few clips of the winner, Helene, and some of her annoying habits. She says ''cool!'' way too much for Howard and laughs at stuff for no reason. He and Artie goofed on her for a few minutes while playing the clips.
Howard brought up a couple of other news stories he found interesting. He mentioned one story about the killings over in Nigeria yesterday that were over the Miss World Contest. A bunch of people rioted over there just because they thought the Miss World Contest wasn't right and some guy said it was okay.
Howard brought up Michael Jackson again and talked about him dangling his kid over the edge of his hotel room balcony. Howard also talked about him bringing his kids to the zoo and joked that Jackson was the freakiest thing in the zoo. Howard said Jackson't kids will probably grow up to be professional mental patients after being raised by him. They spent a few more minutes talking about Jackson and his bizarre behavior. There are also rumors that Jackson has a double over in Germany because he was seen in two different places at one time.
Howard said he watched ''Survivor'' last night and we're at the point in the season where there are no longer any hot chicks on the show so there's no reason to watch anymore. He also talked about the 53 year old woman who keeps slipping under the radar and doesn't get voted off. He was really annoyed by that yesterday.
Attorney Dominic Barbara called in and said that Howard can call in and issue a complaint about Michael Jackson when he comes back to the United States. He said that they will investigate him to make sure his kids are okay. Howard told Dominic to do that for him.
Howard told Debbie that he didn't have time for her now that she showed up late. He had Gary's cousin come in to talk to Debbie about her hair. Edward Tricome is a hair stylist and he was going to give her some advice. Debbie was rambling about baseball with Artie but Howard interrupted her to have Edward give her some thoughts on her hair. Howard said he just wanted to break it down and make it simple. He told Debbie that she needs some shape to her hair and she'd look better. She thinks that she looks hot but Howard said she's good looking but does need a little help to make her even hotter. Howard also had a make up artist by the name of Christy Striker give her some advice. She said that Debbie has great eyes and a little make up would help. They picked out some of her minor flaws and told her what they thought she needed to do.
Howard had this woman Laura Eiseman in to give her some fashion advice also. She told Debbie what she needed to ad to her outfit to make her look a little cuter. Laura said she could look smart and sexy at the same time if she followed her suggestions. The people Howard had in seemed to agree with Howard about what he was saying about Debbie. This woman Courtney Mason was also there to help with the fashion advice. They all chipped in and tried to tell Debbie that they could make her a little cuter if she went for the make over.
Debbie really didn't want the make over. The fashion people said they would love to just take her shopping but she didn't even want to do that. Debbie was bragging that she was in a size two this morning but she looked chunky. The fashion people tried to help her out telling her that it looks like she has a waist and she attacked one of them. She said she looked anorexic to her.
Howard wrapped it up and let Debbie get in a couple of plugs for her stuff. She got one in for her radio show that airs in Detroit on 97.1. She also got in a plug for her web site DebbieSchlussel.com.
Howard said two of the teams they had coming in backed out. Howard was trying to introduce the contestants but he didn't have their bios on his desk so he freaked out on Gary for a minute. Gary was in arguing about whose fault it was while KC was printing out another copy in the office. He finally got it and introduced Sherry and Rachel. Sherry, 41, and Rachel 22, looked like sisters according to the guys. Howard said that Rachel was really hot and could make some big money being a stripper or something. She said she wouldn't be comfortable doing that. The girls said they've seen each other naked lots of times so it's not a big deal. Rachel said her father is in jail right now for driving on a suspended license. They need the money to get him out of jail. Sherry told Howard the story about why he was on the suspended list and why he's in jail now. They also talked about how he's not Rachel's biological father. Her real dad isn't in touch with her very much.
Howard introduced couple number two and they looked like they could be sisters too according to the guys. Howard said Sandra was 39 years old but she said she lied and she's actually 46. The daughter, Sarah, was wearing a school girl outfit. She was a stripper for a while so getting naked isn't that strange for her. The mom hasn't been naked in front of guys so she was a little nervous. She was actually the one who called in to be part of the game. She thought about getting her son to come in and play but he wasn't available. Howard asked where the dad was in all of this. Sandra said that Sarah's father walked out on them and he's a loser.
Gary told Howard that Rachel has a 35 year old boyfriend which Howard thought was pretty weird. Howard talked to the girls about their strange dating lives and said that the moms look like they're in pretty good shape. He said he was happy to see that. Howard then got to the game. The grand prize for the game is $10,000 courtesy of the ''Undisputed'' DVD which is out next week.
Here are the questions and the answers:
Gary seemed surprised that Sandra and Sarah took off their panties before taking off their tops. Sarah said her mom wanted to keep her top on as long as she could so they went with the bottoms. Robin said Artie covered his face for a while during the game. Gary said he had to keep a jacket over his pants because he was getting excited.
There was some controversy over Sherry and Rachel not removing their panties when their pants came off. Howard had them take off their bras also. Howard said Rachel had great breasts. She said they're small but nice. Howard said her mother's breasts were fine too. Howard took a call after that and the guy said he had to pull over to wipe himself off because he was pleasuring himself in the car. Howard said that all of the women looked great.
Sandra and Sarah blew the last question and wanted another chance because they were close. Robin convinced Howard that L.A. was Hollywood so Howard threw out the question and gave them another one. They got that one right but blew the last one so they lost. Howard said Sarah had both nipples pierced. He also said that Sandra had quite a rack under there.
Howard congratulated the winners, Sherry and Rachel, but Gary came in and had some more money to offer up. Gary said that he had some more money for the girls to do some other stuff. Gary offered them $1000 to kiss each other and Sherry and Rachel wanted to get the money. Howard said if Rachel and Sarah kissed he'd give them the money and give breast implants to Sarah who wanted them. Rachel agreed to do it but someone suggested that the mothers kiss too. Howard said he'd give each of the teams $1000 for the daughters to kiss while they're both naked. Rachel had to take off her panties first. The girls then made out with each other for a few seconds. Howard said it was the best two grand he ever spent. He offered the teams more money if the moms spanked their daughters but the guys said they weren't that interested in seeing that. They wanted the moms to kiss each other for an extra $500 each. Both got completely naked and agreed to do it. Howard said Sherry looked great. They kissed for a few seconds and Artie sounded like he was in pain as he watched.
Howard wrapped up the game and told everyone what they were going home with. The winners ended up with $11,500 while the losers walked out with $1500 and breast implants for Sarah. The extra money was courtesy of Acclaim's BMX XXX video game.
Dina told Howard that they actually met one other time at a party out in Malibu. Howard didn't remember meeting her but did go to a party out there in Malibu.
Stuttering John came in and said that they had a topless shot of Dina from the movie ''Starship Troopers'' so Howard checked that out. Earlier he thought that Dina wasn't wearing a bra but she broke the news to him that she was wearing one for him for some reason. Howard moved on to talk to her about her sex life but she held back a little bit because her parents were listening. She wouldn't talk about anal sex but did say that she had a lesbian kiss one time with a friend of a friend. She told Howard a few details about that but it wasn't all that much. Howard spoke to her about her boyfriend and Dina ended up turning it around and asked about his girlfriend. Howard told her that Beth was just a ''regular girl.'' Robin pointed out that she's a model though. Howard also read that she dated Billy Joel. She said he did contact her but they didn't really date. She said he called her but she didn't return his call for quite a while. She knew it would be awkward so she held off for a while. Gary asked her what they actually did talk about when she called him. She said he was at a loss for words when she called. She said she went out with him once and it wasn't working so they didn't go out again.
Howard said he knew Dina did more lesbian stuff. He asked her if she did oral on a woman and she said ''maybe'' but Howard seemed to take that as a ''yes.''
Howard talked to Dina about the Star Trek movie and more about ''Birds of Prey'' before taking a break so they could play the Gossip Game.
After the break Howard got Mike Walker on the phone so they could play the game. Howard asked Mike if he had any dirt on Dina but he didn't have anything. He said she's been in the National Enquirer in the section where they show what stars are wearing these days but no dirt. Mike knew her character's name in ''Starship Troopers'' which seemed to surprise her. She talked about her relationship with Denise Richards a little bit before Mike read his stories. Here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
After the game Howard took a couple of phone calls for Dina. Someone brought up whether or not she shaves her bush. Howard told her that he keeps his clipped pretty short which she seemed to like. The guys also told Howard they thought she liked him by the way she was acting while being interviewed. When Howard asked her if she shaves herself down there, she said that if things don't work out with Beth, he may find out some day. She didn't want to tell him if she does or doesn't shave because her parents were listening today. Howard wrapped up the interview after that and took a commercial break.
After the break Robin started to do her news stories. Stuttering John came in and said that Dina asked to come back up because her father wanted an autograph. Howard had her come back in and they spent a few more minutes talking to her. Howard said Artie was leering at her when they were talking to her after her interview. Stuttering John was also pretty interested in her and he thought she was really interested in Howard. She kept asking John what he was smoking while he was saying that. She said that she would definitely date Howard but she wouldn't ''bang'' him without getting to know him. Howard said she's too good for him anyway. Howard took a call from a guy who claimed to be her father. He told Howard to just bang his daughter already. John kept saying stuff to Dina that she didn't like so she told him to kiss her ass. He asked her if she'd pull down her pants. She wouldn't but I believe he kissed her ass anyway. Howard had Dina come over to sign the picture she had. He wrote that he wanted to bang his daughter in the autograph. Howard got a hug from her and Dina asked for a kiss after that. She ran out after all of that.
Howard's buddy Ralph called in and said he read that Dina has an adult toy collection that includes dildos and stuff like that. Ralph told Howard he should keep in touch with Dina just in case things don't work out with Beth. Artie said that Dina just isn't in Beth's league. Howard told him there was no reason to say stuff like that. Robin said Artie was just glaring at Dina while she was in there. Artie said he just doesn't trust actresses. He said a lot of actresses in Hollywood need a lot of attention. Dina heard all of this and came back in to beat up Artie. She took off her jacket and went over to talk to him about what he'd just said. He told her that he thinks she's pretty and she'll have a much happier life than he ever will. He told her he wouldn't fight her or anything. Howard said that Artie had been talking about actresses in general during the break and Dina was included in that discussion. Howard said things had gone terribly wrong at this point. Artie apologized and said Dina was alright. She gave him a hug and made things all better. Artie sounded much happier after the hug. He did make a crack about her making her fifth appearance in one day on the show and of course, it wasn't for attention. Artie said she's ''smokin' hot'' but she seems like one of these chicks who's always auditioning. He said she's very chatty. Dina heard that and came running back in again. Artie admitted that he has a crush on her because she's so hot. He defended himself and said that he thinks he's going to get ''all three episodes of 'Birds of Prey' on DVD.'' Dina ended up talking about the adult toys subject that was brought up earlier in the interview. She said she had stuff like condoms, lube and porn in that collection. She said she never said anything about dildos and stuff. Howard wondered why she has lube in that collection. He said she must be with a bunch of homos or something. Gary told Howard he figures when a young girl like that has lube, she's using it for ''the other end.'' Howard didn't think that was it though.
Ralph called back in and mentioned the article he read that had the sex toys mention in it. She wanted to know what magazine that was in because she doesn't recall it. He said it was either FHM or Maxim.
All of the guys agreed that Dina was a great guest. KC had said that she looked a little ''thick'' to him. He came in and said that she's got a ''little chunk'' to her and a stereotypical black guy would love her. The guys spent a little time talking about that. They ended up goofing on KC a little bit about his tastes in women. Artie said he took back what he said about her being annoying after the hug. It was getting really late in the show by this time so Howard had Robin get back to her news so they could get out of there.