For The Week Of 8/27/2001 to 8/31/2001

• The Best Of Stern. 8/27/01.
  First day of reruns for a week or so. Here's what we heard on today's show:
  • ''Al Pacino'' calls in to talk about what a ''fairy'' Dean Cain is
  • Sheryl Crow sings ''My Man'' to Howard
  • Howard talks to a guy who wanted to exploit Jackie's dead cat Timmy for a charity event. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 12/9/96. That's right! It's almost been a year since Jackie's retarded cat Timmy died. This guy called in this morning to tell Howard that he wanted to have an event with Nancy's band 'Big Orange Marble' playing to make money for The North Shore Animal League. Nancy didn't want Timmy's name involved for some bizarre reason. The guy who was on the phone is the same guy that had an argument with Fred not too long ago about Fred backing out of an event that he was supposed to play. This guy just likes to get on the air to plug his place. The guy said that he wanted to have t-shirts with ''F-Timmy'' printed on them to sell at the fund raising thing. Nancy wanted to put ''L-Timmy'' as in Love Timmy but who the hell would buy one of those? So she chose not to do it. This guy couldn't believe it so he had to call in and bad mouth her. They yelled and screamed for a few minutes about it and that was that. Somehow Fred got involved in the argument so there were 3 people yelling at the same time. What a nightmare. Nancy mentioned that December 30th will be the first anniversary of the cat's disappearance. I know for a fact that both Jackie and Nancy are VERY sensitive about their cat's death. It's best not to bring it up in conversation with either of them... F-TIMMY!
  • Robin takes a lie detector test to find out if she's in love with any of the guys on the show
  • Howard plays ''How Stupid Are Yankees Fans'' with a guy Stuttering John interviewed at a Yankees parade. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 11/7/96. This is the second part of the game Howard started the other day. Here are the questions and answers for the Yankee fan at the Yankee parade:
      • What does E Pluribus Unum mean?... ''Don't know'' (Incorrect)
      • Where is Munich, what country?... ''Don't know'' (Incorrect)
      • How many inches in a yard?... ''Twelve?'' (Incorrect)
      • Where does veal come from?... ''Calf'' (Correct)
      • What day is added for leap year?... ''Don't know'' (Incorrect)
      • How many sides does a rectangle have?... ''Eight'' (Incorrect)
      • Who fought in the civil war?... ''Norf and Souf'' (Correct?) Howard wasn't sure if ''Norf'' and ''Souf'' were technically correct
      • How many singers in a quartet?... ''Four'' (Correct)
      • What does a proctologist work on?... ''I don't know'' (Incorrect)
      • Who is the leader of South Africa?... ''Nelson Mandela'' (Correct)
      • What country is Napolean from?... ''France'' (Correct) He may have had help from the crowd
      • Spell Arkansas... ''A R K A N S A S'' (Correct)
      • What are the two major political parties in the U.S.?... ''Democrat and Republican'' (Correct)
      • When is George Washington's birthday?... ''I don't care'' (Incorrect)
      • What scientist came up with E=MC₂?... ''Albert Einstein'' (Correct)
      • Name a Scandinavian country... ''Czechoslovakia'' (Incorrect)
      • What's the capitol of New York?... ''Albany'' (Correct)
      • Where is Big Ben found?... ''In my pants'' (Incorrect)
      As you can see John found another stupid Yankee fan. John said that he interviewed 4 people. These 2 were both stupid. I wonder how dumb the other 2 were.
  • Howard plays tape of Gary and Scott the Engineer fighting over when ''Best Of'' gets done
  • Stuttering John interviews celebrities at the ''Die Hard with a Vengeance'' movie premiere. Celebrities included Samuel L. Jackson, Bruce Willis, Demi Moore and Lenny Kravitz
  • Howard goofs on Mike Gange for going to watch the Thanksgiving day parade balloons get inflated. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 12/4/96. During the news today Howard had Mike Gange come into the studio to ask him about going down to watch the Thanksgiving Day parade balloons being blown up. Somehow the subject changed to Gange's job on the E! show and how poorly he does it. Then it changed to why Gange is still doing that job. Howard is pissed at Gange because he hasn't moved on to something different. He just drags down the show doing those lame little interviews after guests come in. Listeners were calling in yelling at Gange about the horrible job he's doing and how they could do it better. Gange tried yelling back with that hoarse voice of his but it didn't work too well. Gange said that eventually he'd like to get into directing. Let's hope it's not Howard's show... Howard told Gange that he wants him to move on to something else by the end of 1997. He's sick of him hanging around and wants to see him in a better job. After Gange was out of the studio Gary came in and told Howard that Steve Grillo was out interviewing and tormenting him. I don't know what he was saying to him but this should make yet another great E! show.
  • Howard talks to Heather Locklear. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 10/25/96. Heather Locklear from Melrose Place came in this morning to plug this VH-1 special that she did. It's the Fashion Award show which will air tonight at 9:00 pm on VH-1. Heather said that she wears a really sexy revealing dress on the show so tune in! Howard was drooling over Heather as usual. She always looks good to Howard. She and Howard talked about her marriage with Richie Sambora of Bon Jovi, Melrose Place and bowel movements. What an interview. Howard asked Heather if she ever throws up after eating so that she can stay so damn thin. She said that she's never done that but she goes to the bathroom quite often. Heather was really open to discussing such a disgusting subject. Fred was playing a bunch of fart sound effects during the discussion and Heather just loved it! She kept talking about it just so Fred would play more farts! Howard was also discussing the acting thing with Heather and how actors actually do get excited when they kiss or do a love scene. Heather says that she doesn't get excited but she's felt a few boners on other actors during her career. She's done some kissing scenes where she's felt the other guy getting a stiffie. She said that she just smiles at them.

• The Best Of Stern. 8/28/01.
  Day two of ''Best Of'' for the week. Here's what we heard today:
  • George Carlin ''religion is b.s.'' comedy routine
  • Fiona Apple performs ''Sleep to Dream'' in the studio
  • A guy who killed his girlfriend tells Howard the details of the crime from his jail cell. Howard soon found out the guy had just admitted to something he hadn't admitted to in the past
  • Howard talks to a 17 year old girl who wants him to come speak at a political discussion group she's part of
  • Howard talks to Siskel and Ebert while Monica hangs out under the console. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 11/1/96. Movie reviewers Siskel and Ebert called in this morning for some reason. Howard still had Monica the Mexican under the console through the phone call. Howard was asking Siskel and Ebert if they were going to give him a fair movie review when Private Parts comes out. They both said that they would but Howard doesn't think so.
  • A woman claiming to be Gilbert Gottfried daughter calls in. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 12/2/96. Some woman called in around 9:45 this morning claiming to be Gilbert Gottfried's daughter. She's 30. She says that Gilbert is like 55 years old. Howard got Gilbert on the phone to find out just how old he is. Gilbert wouldn't admit to his actual age but he said that he's around Howard's age of 42. Gilbert says that he doesn't have any children that he knows of. Howard asked the woman if she'd like to come down and confront Gilbert. She sounds a little wacky. Gilbert would love to come down to the studio and meet his ''daughter''. Howard asked the woman if she's ever been institutionalized. She said ''no'' but she thinks that Gilbert is her father so maybe she should be! She said that she's working on getting her psychology degree! Who would admit to thinking that she was Gilbert's daughter? If anything else comes out of this I'll let you know.
  • Howard yells at Gary about a video tape of the Tiny Tim funeral. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 12/6/96. First thing this morning Howard was on a rampage. This time it was about the Tiny Tim funeral tape and who was editing it. Howard wanted Gary to handle it but Mike Gange was doing it. Gary tried to defend himself but it was no use. Howard knew what he wanted and Gary didn't read his mind so Gary had to take the abuse. What a way to wake up in the morning! Howard said that he wasn't in the mood to yell but that didn't last for long. He yelled for a good 15 minutes and tried to get Gary to do the ''repeat after me'' thing. Gary refused to do it. So tense so early in the morning.
  • Howard plays tape of Stuttering John interviewing Tommy Lasorda

• The Best Of Stern. 8/29/01.
  Day three of reruns. Here's what we heard today:
  • Crackhead Bob History - Supermarket manager, Ordained Minister
  • Third Eye Blind performs ''Graduate''
  • Lisa calls in to talk about getting sex during a massage. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 11/8/96. This woman called in to tell a story about this muscular therapist of hers. She told this long story about how great this guy was for her. She told the story about how he has her strip down naked. She puts a sheet over her but then he then does her massage. He works his way over her whole body but then removes the sheet. That's not normal for a massage. He even puts on cologne and soft music. She said that she's never felt so good while having the massage but then she got to a point in the story where she said the guy got his fingers into her rear ''no fly zone'' as Howard put it. She just thought that he was giving a regular massage. She didn't think much of the whole thing until Howard and the gang made fun of her for not thinking that she was being raped by this guy. As a matter of fact a woman physical therapist called in and told the woman that she has a lawsuit waiting to happen. A little while later Dominic Barbara called in and told her the same thing. She said that sometimes she would get turned on during the whole thing but she's not attracted to this guy. I don't think she'll be going back to this guy after talking about it on the air.
  • Howard and the rest of the crew invade Fred's ''bag'' of stuff that he left behind when he walked off the show threatening not to come back. Fred returned the next day.
  • Howard interviews Jimmy Pop, a guy who interned for the station for one day. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 12/6/96. There seems to be a weird story behind almost every intern that has worked on the Stern show. This one might be one of the strangest. This college kid applied to become an intern in 4 separate semesters. He was turned down 3 times in a row by Howard's assistant, Kathy. She said that he just seemed like he'd be wrong for the job. The last time he came in for the interview he was accepted. Kathy said that he seemed to have matured after all of that time. His first day comes up and he calls in and tells them that he can't come in because he just got a record deal. Well that record deal worked out great for this guy and now his single is being played all over the country and the video for that song will be shown on MTV starting this Sunday! The One Day Intern, Jimmy Pop, was in the studio to meet Howard today. He's a real ''high energy'' person which could be confused with just being annoying. Or maybe he's just annoying... but he's such a fan of Howard's that he carries around a radio station list with all of Howard's affiliates on it. He knows where he can hear the show all over the country. He also sampled the ''BABA BOOEY'' sound effect from the show and used it in one of his songs. In another song he sings about Howard. Howard played a bit of his current single Fire Water Burn. Jimmy says that his group, Bloodhound Gang, is a ''white rap band''. If you're into alternative music like they play on K-Rock then you'd probably like the song. It's okay but nothing to go nuts over. The song with the Baba Booey reference in it is another one that's just okay. If you want to get this album I believe it's called One Fierce Beer Coaster. Howard said that he liked the song but he may have done that just to piss off Stuttering John. John put an album out a couple of years ago that only sold like 50,000 copies. Howard thought that John might be a little jealous of this guy. John came into the studio and said that he wasn't.
  • Howard plays tape of Fred the Elephant Boy coming out of the closet. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 1/10/97 Today was a big day for Elephant Boy! What started out as a simple thing turned into a big deal. Elephant Boy was coming down with his girlfriend from Cleveland and a friend of hers. The friend was supposed to be hooking up with Crackhead Bob. When they got there the girl said that she didn't really want to date Bob, she just wanted a free meal out of the deal. That was just the beginning. Howard had tape of Elephant Boy leaving a message on one of those personal ads where you call in and leave a message for the person you want to date. The surprising thing was that Elephant Boy was looking for a ''...couple in their 30's or 40's where the man is Bi (sexual)...''! At first he said that he was just messing around goofing on the sex line but he quickly admitted to have had sexual encounters with men in his past and that he's actually Bi-Sexual himself!!! He said that his new year's resolution is to always tell Howard the truth... maybe this is too much truth! The whole Crackhead Bob thing was just about forgotten once Elephant Boy let this loose. EB made the message while he and his girlfriend were broken up so it wasn't really a goof. He was horny and he needed some sex. When Howard questioned Elephant Boy about who in the studio he's attracted to the most he said that Fred (Eric) is the best one. Fred couldn't look at Elephant Boy once he heard that. Elephant Boy said that he'd never act on that feeling but it's there. Everyone has wondered why Elephant Boy enjoys pro wrestling so damn much.. now you have the answer! Howard asked EB if he'd ever used his mouth on another man, he said yes. Jackie started his ''OH OH'' stuff when he heard that. Elephant Boy then said that he just wants to tell the truth. This story should definitely win an F-Emmy this year. Getting back to Crackhead Bob... This woman that Elephant Boy brought along didn't even know what Bob looked like before she came down. She was quite surprised once he came into the studio. Her eyes apparently rolled back in her head when she saw him. Bob said that he didn't want to go out with this women since he knows that the relationship wouldn't have a chance in hell of going anywhere. Eventually he agreed to double date with Elephant Boy and his girlfriend. They're supposed to go to an S&M club tonight. That would be a hell of a sight!
  • Howard interviews Anna Nicole Smith

• The Best Of Stern. 8/30/01.
  We're half way through ''Best Of.'' Only a couple more days of reruns. Here's what we heard today:
  • Elian Gonzalez goofing on Howard parody
  • Train performs a cover version of ''Ramble On'' live in the studio
  • Howard makes a phony phone call to program director Andy Bloom
  • Howard takes a call from a suicidal woman. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 12/12/96. Gary came in to the studio and told Howard that there was a woman on the phone crying and saying that she wanted to kill herself. Howard wanted to stop saving people's lives after that Emilio thing 2 years ago but he decided to see what he could do. The woman was crying when Howard picked up the phone. Howard got some information out of her.. She's a 42 year old interior decorator that was charged with felony embezzlement. She's been arrested and lost her job. She said that she was set up by her old boss for that embezzlement thing. She doesn't have any money or friends and she might be evicted from her home today. She said she's ''..at the end of her rope..''. Howard told her that there's a lot to live for like his movie and well... His movie. A woman psychologist called in and wanted to talk to the woman but she really didn't want to talk. Some guy even called up and offered her a job but he was in New York and she's in Virginia. The woman has a man, either a boyfriend or husband, but he can't make her life any better. She even said that maybe she'd take him out with her. Eventually Howard got her to talk to the psychologist off the air. Who knows what happened though because we didn't get an update. John Popper was still there and he told Howard that he'd wanted to sing a song to the woman. Howard let him sing ''Just Wait'' for him instead. The song was kind of depressing. Howard said that if she had heard the song she may have been worse off.
  • Howard talks to San Jose reporter Brad Kava about an article he wrote about him being a hypocrite
  • Howard goofs on nineteen year old Haley who called in to tell him about a paper she wrote on him for her community college class
  • An ex-topless dancer calls in to tell Howard she's no longer a fan of his
  • Howard interviews Michael the Naomi Campbell stalker. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 11/27/96. This guy called in early this morning and told Howard that he was the guy who waits for Supermodel Naomi Campbell in front of her apartment building. Howard invited him down to the studio to see what he looks like. He came down really quick. He must have been right around the corner. He told Howard how he met Naomi right in front of her apartment building. He doesn't call it stalking of course. He thinks he's just an admirer. He must not be a very good looking guy because Robin's reaction when he walked in was pretty bad. Naomi eventually got a restraining order against this guy. He says that he'd never hurt her because he thinks she's so beautiful. This guy still thinks that Naomi likes him but was forced into signing that restraining order by her boyfriend. He said that he could tell by her signature on the restraining order that she did it reluctantly. At one point in the interview a woman claiming to be Naomi called in and had a little conversation with this guy. It turned out to be a friend of the show who was putting the guy on. He couldn't tell that it was a fake though. Howard did it to prove a point to the guy. The guy thinks he knows Naomi really well but he couldn't recognize that it wasn't her on the phone. The guy was spooked by something during the interview because when he was leaving he didn't say a word when Howard was saying goodbye. Weird guy.
  • Arnold Schwarzenegger calls in to promote his movie. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 11/21/96. Whenever Arnold has a new movie coming out he gives Howard a call.. So obviously he's got one coming out soon. This time it's ''Jingle All The Way'' in which Arnold plays a guy who has to get his kid some really popular toy shortly before Christmas. Sinbad co-stars in the movie. Howard talked to Arnold for a couple of minutes about the movie. That was about it though. Not much of an interview.
  • Howard talks to Marty the midget about his ''normal'' sized girlfriend. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 12/4/96. Marty is going to be a father! He managed to knock up a normal woman! The child will be of normal size according to Marty. His dwarfism doesn't carry over to his kid unless he was with another dwarf. After Matthew the giant foot guy left Howard decided that he'd rather be a Midget than a giant person. Matthew's shoes cost him $2500! Howard would rather be too small than too large. Marty's friend Michael, who was also in the studio, got a commercial appearance because of Howard's show. He said that someone heard him on the show and offered him a normal role in a Mutual Fund commercial. Actually it was for a ''small investor'' roll so it wasn't exactly a 'normal' role but he wasn't a clown or anything like that. At one point in the show Howard got Hank the drunken dwarf on the phone because Marty and Michael don't like him. Howard thinks that Marty is just jealous because he used to be the only midget on the show. Hank is ready to fight Marty. He said that even with a ''..busted appendix..'' he could kick Marty's ass. Even Howard thinks Hank could beat up Marty. Hank doesn't want to come down from Massachusetts to fight unless Howard pays his way. Howard said he would but Hank just kind of laughed it off. Maybe this will happen someday.

• The Best Of Stern. 8/31/01.
  Here's what we heard on today's show:
  • Phony phone call made by a listener to a TV station covering a car theft
  • ''Shady Grove Mental Asylum'' parody about Tom Chiusano
  • Mr. Rogers ''Pound'' clip
  • Howard interviews boxer Sugar Ray Leonard. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 11/14/96. Sugar Ray is going back in the ring. This time it's with Hector Macho Camacho. He'll be fighting Hector on February 28, 1997 down in Atlantic City, New Jersey. It'll be a Pay-Per-View event. Howard did the usual interview with Sugar Ray. He asked him about his love life and all that stuff. Sugar Ray is 40 now with a 22 year old son, a 29 year old wife and a 2 year old granddaughter... and he's going back in the ring!? What a nut!
  • Ian the Drunk calls in to complain about Howard. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 1/15/97. This drunken bastard calls in to the show almost every day according to Gary and John. Today he was complaining about the usual kind of crap. While he was rambling about Ivan Reitman being a ''nobody'' Howard would just keep talking to Robin. Ian can talk and talk without stopping for hours. Stuttering John once said that he can put Ian on hold for 10 minutes then pick up and Ian didn't even know that he had been on hold! Back before the Presidential election Ian had promised to come down to the studio after the election was over. Well he hasn't come down and he still wouldn't agree to come down. Howard didn't have to hang up on Ian today like he usually does. Ian actually said ''good bye'' for once.
  • Stuttering John interviews a ''dumb Yankees fan.'' An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 11/5/96. A few days after the New York Yankees won the world series they threw a parade in New York City. Howard sent Stuttering John down to interview some of them to see what kind of people line up in the streets to see such a lame thing. Well Stuttering John struck gold with one woman. Howard made a game out of this whole thing. He and Robin were betting on whether or not the person could answer correctly. Here are some of the questions John asked and the answers received. John said this girl was really good looking so we have to excuse her stupidity.
      • What's the capitol of New York?... ''Albany'' (Correct!)
      • Where is Big Ben found?... ''Dallas'' (Incorrect!)
      • What does E Pluribus Unum mean?... She didn't know
      • Where is Munich, what country?... ''Detroit'' (Incorrect)
      • How many inches in a yard?... ''12!'' (Incorrect)
      • Where does veal come from?... She kind of knew it but said it while laughing
      • What day is added for leap year?... ''June 28 or 29'' (Duh!)
      • How many sides does a rectangle have?... ''4'' Finally another correct answer!
      • Who fought in the civil war?... ''we did..the Yankees, New York..'' she was joking around so she didn't finish the answer
      • Where is Pearl Harbor?... ''I know this one but I forgot it..Florida?'' (Incorrect)
      • How many singers in a quartet?... ''four'' but she may have gotten the answer from someone in the crowd.
      • What does a proctologist work on?... ''don't know'' (Incorrect)
      • Who is the leader of South Africa?... ''don't know'' (Incorrect)
      • What country is Napoleon from?... ''..uhhh...from Europe...England?'' (Incorrect)
      A listener called in to yell at Jackie for a comment he'd made about the school system in New York. The guy turned out to be a teacher himself. A biology teacher. He just talked in a monotone for a couple of minutes so Howard finally got rid of him and got back to the questions.
      • Spell Arkansas... ''A R K I N S A N...'' (Incorrect)
      • What are the two major political parties in the U.S.?... ''Democratic and Republican'' (Correct)
      • When is George Washington's birthday?... ''February 22'' correct but someone helped her again
      • Name a Scandinavian country... ''I don't know one.. uhh... Iran?'' (Incorrect)
      That was it for this poor girl. Howard has another guy but he's saving it for some other time.
  • Bill the One Day intern returns to explain himself. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 12/10/96. Last Friday Howard had a wacky intern story to tell. Today he had an even weirder story. This guy Bill had interned at K-Rock in the promotions department for a whole semester one time. He applied to get an internship on Howard's show and got accepted for a trial period. From what he understood there would be a 2 week trial period to see if he would be chosen to actually work in the morning. On his first day he found out that he wouldn't be working in the mornings. Around 1:00 that day Gary gave the guy $20 to go out and get something for his home phone. The guy left and never came back! A couple of years later Bill re-applied for the internship but changed the spelling of his last name. Kathy, Howard's assistant, knew that this was the same guy and even asked him when she talked to him on the phone. He said it wasn't the same guy. He went in for the interview and Kathy recognized him and got him right out of the building. A couple of days later Kathy got some flowers from this guy with an apology letter. Howard read the apology letter today with Bill sitting right there in the studio. The letter was full of lies! Bill denied that there were lies in the letter for 10 minutes but eventually broke down and admitted to them. This guy just kept on lying the whole time he was in the studio. He tried to say that it was the copy shop that screwed up his letter! Not only did he lie on the letter but on his resumé also! He was so full of crap you couldn't tell if he told any truths at all! Then his ex-roommate Mark called in. Mark says that Bill just left without saying anything to them. He moved out but never said a thing to them. They had been friends since high school but he didn't say a word to him. He claimed that it was because his roommates stole money from him and that's why he never spoke to them again. I'm sure this guy has more wacky stories to tell but there just wasn't enough time for it today. Wow...
  • Intern Steve Grillo gets yelled at by other interns who can't stand his attitude
  • Big foot Matt Mcgroary comes in. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 12/4/96. This 7'4'' guy came in today with his giant 29 1/2 size feet leading the way. Matthew Mcgroary has the largest foot according to the Guinness Book Of World Records. Matt is 7'4'' tall and weighs 310 pounds. His voice is deeper than any voice I've ever heard. Gary put it best when he said the guy sounds like Howard when he uses the harmonizer to do the really deep voice he does. Howard interviewed the guy about his sex life and all that good stuff. Then the guy took his shoe off and showed Howard his bare foot. Howard was amazed by the size of it. He even put his size 13 up next to it for comparison. Matthew said he didn't stop growing until he was 19 years old. At age 16 he was about 6'7''. Matthew is a bouncer at some bar. I'm sure there aren't too many people that argue with a 7'4'' 310 pound guy. Matthew said that he's met Sandy Allen the worlds tallest woman. Howard asked him if he was attracted to her. She's a little old for 23 year old Matthew so they won't be hooking up anytime soon. Howard tried giving Matthew some career advice. He told him that he should go into the circus or into show business somehow. Matthew is in Law school right now. No show business for him. Just before Matthew left the show Howard had his next guest come into the studio... Marty the Midget! Marty is like 4 feet tall so it must have been quite a site when the two of them were standing next to each other. It should make for an interesting E! show.