For The Week Of 7/9/2001 to 7/13/2001

• The Best Of Stern. 7/9/01.
  Week two of summer vacation for the Stern show equals more reruns. Here's what we heard today:
  • Touch Tone Terrorist Jim Bob takes a call from an angry woman who wanted to return a package she signed for
  • Blink 182 performs ''What's My Age''
  • New Jersey Senate Contenders Bob Torricelli and Dick Zimmer call in. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 10/18/96. Early this morning Howard mentioned that he had watched a debate between Dick Zimmer and Bob Torricelli who are running for New Jersey state senator. He said that he couldn't really decide which one was best because they were both great debaters. Then he said '' ..maybe I'll back whoever calls in first...'' like he did with NJ Governor Christie Whitman a few years back. He said that half kidding. Well during Crackhead Bob's segment both Dick Zimmer and Bob Torricelli called in. Now they were ready to debate on the Stern Show. These two guys respect each other as people but they argue about each others politics to the point that it becomes funny. They sounded like Siskel and Ebert! The two of them debated each other for quite a while. Howard didn't really know who he wanted to back so he suggested just flipping a coin. Then Gary came in and said that some of the listeners were calling in saying that Bob Torricelli once said that he wanted Bob Grant, another so called 'shock-jock' type, to be taken off the air for racist comments he'd made. Well that will probably knock Bob's ass right out of Howard's mind.
  • Howard has Vicky from Florida flown in to meet him after she freaks out on the phone when she hears his voice. When she shows up she remains almost silent through the whole interview. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 9/20/96. This woman called in the other day and went nuts when she heard Howard's voice. She was more than thrilled to talk to Howard. He wanted to meet her to see if she was good looking so he had her flown in. This morning she made it in, although she was very late. She showed up around 9:30 because she had over slept. Today she was a little too mellow. When she came in she was crying because she was so excited but she didn't yell and scream like she did on the phone. This kind of bummed Howard out so she only stayed on for about 10 minutes. Howard did let her touch his hand and hug him. It sounded like she was hugging him a little too hard because Howard told her not to break his neck. Howard was really disappointed since they flew her in from Florida and she didn't act quite like they expected. They did say that it should make a good E! show.
  • Lou Ferrigno calls in during Speech Impediment Man's first appearance. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 10/31/96. (Snipped) While this guy (Speech Impediment Man) was in, Lou Ferrigno called in. Lou played The Incredible Hulk on the TV series back in the early 80's. Lou is hard of hearing so his speech pattern is a little shaky also. Lou was calling in to plug his new restaurant, Cartoon Saloon, down in Miami. The call had nothing to do with Speech Impediment Man. I don't even think Lou knew that Speech Impediment Man was there. I think Howard wanted to have dueling speech impediments on the show but Lou's wasn't nearly as bad as Speech Impediment Man's.
  • Gary and Stuttering John fight about who came up with an idea to have a listener screening for a video tape that Howard released
  • Jon Stewart visits. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 9/17/96. Jon Stewart, as you may remember, took over for Arsenio Hall when he retired from the late night talk show wars. Jon started out as a comedian and had his show on MTV for a short while. Howard was Jon's first guest on the MTV show. Jon came in this morning to plug an HBO Special that's coming up this Friday night. He's also landed a job on CBS after the Tom Snyder show. Jon will be on at 1:30 am. Howard says that Jon is just being groomed for the 12:30 time slot and that Tom Snyder should be on his way out. Jon was talking movies with Howard and said that he was cut out of The First Wives Club after doing 2 months of work on it. Does his acting suck that much? According to Jon it might. Jon did a scene with Goldie Hawn and the whole thing was cut! Poor guy. He seemed like a nice guy but maybe his talents are limited to stand-up.
  • Wayne Gretzky visits. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 10/22/96. Hockey great, Wayne Gretzky, came in today just to hang out for a little while. Howard and Wayne talked mostly about Wayne's beautiful wife Janet Jones. Howard asked Wayne why Janet dropped out of show business. Janet wanted kids so she popped out 3 of them for Wayne. That's why she's been out of show business for a while. Wayne said that she's going to get back into it soon. The kids are getting older so she's going to start working again. Wayne had to get going to practice so he didn't stay too long.
  • Gary fires Stuttering John as a practical joke

• The Best Of Stern. 7/10/01.
  Only a few more days of reruns left before Howard returns from vacation. Here's what we heard on today's show:
  • ''All in the Pat Cooper Family'' commercial parody
  • Shaggy performs ''It Wasn't Me'' in the studio
  • Howard has a sixth grade teacher come in to grade a memo that General Manager Tom Chiusano wrote
  • Melissa Gilbert calls in. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 10/24/96. Melissa Gilbert may be better known as Laura Ingels from Little House On The Prairie. She's been on the show in the past and she seems to enjoy coming on. She was calling in from Canada where she's in the middle of filming a Christmas movie called First Noel. She was calling in to plug an after school movie that she directed. It's called Me And My Hormones and it was Melissa's directorial debut. It's about a 13 year old girl who's getting her period and her mother who's losing hers. As Howard said ''..so it's a 'period piece'!?''. Howard talked to Melissa for a little while about the movie and about her husband Bruce Boxleitner who's on Babylon 5. Howard loves that show so he was complimenting Bruce's acting ability. Melissa said that after doing the 13 year old period thing she'd like to do one called Me and My Boner with an impotent father and a young boy just getting his first erections. She's pretty funny!
  • Tiny Tim comes in to talk about the many products he uses and a new song called ''Susie Snowflake''
  • Japanese Broadcasters Visit. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 10/16/96. A bunch of Japanese people who are in the radio business came in to see how Howard runs things. A woman by the name of Lisa was an interpreter for the group. Some of the people could speak a little bit of English but it was very limited. One woman was from the Japanese version of the FCC. Howard asked her about saying certain words on the air over there. He named a few private parts and also asked if they're allowed to fart on the air. The woman had to think for a little while but said that if it were done in a joking way it would be allowed. These people have been all over the place visiting radio stations and they were supposed to visit 10 more places today. Howard was also yelling about world war 2 and how he hasn't forgiven the Japanese for that yet... kidding I think. He wondered which one of them was there to issue the apology... Howard seems to enjoy goofing on foreigners when they come in to visit the station. He told these people how god damn famous he is and how he's got a movie coming out and how no DJ in Japan has a movie made about his life.
  • A guy claiming to be one of Sylvester Stallone's buddies comes in to tell Howard about what he used to do for Sly

• The Best Of Stern. 7/11/01.
  More reruns today. Here's what we heard:
  • The Jerky Boys call Gary's hair stylist and goof on her about giving him a bad hair cut
  • ''Crackhead Bob History'' commercial parody
  • Emilio, a guy Howard saved from committing suicide, bad mouths Howard in a newspaper article. Howard calls him to find out why
  • A guy laid off because a co-worker was offended by Howard calls in. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 9/16/96. It's a case of sexual harassment according to the guy on the phone this morning. This guy says that he is being laid off with no pay because some woman heard Howard on the radio when she walked past his work area. She's claiming sexual harassment! At the time Howard was talking about masturbation and this must have driven the woman mad. She told the boss and the next thing he knows he's sitting on the bowl talking to Howard. That's right he was calling Howard from the bathroom. He claims that he had some mexican food over the weekend and it didn't sit too well so he had to sit on the toilet and flush it while talking to Howard. Howard told this guy what to do to keep his job. He said that maybe he shouldn't listen at work or just tape the show and listen at home. He also told him that he should sue the bitch! YEAH! SUE!!
  • Reverend Al Sharpton calls in to talk about his alleged mob connections
  • Mob stool pigeon Henry Hill calls in and reveals where some bodies are buried. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 10/2/96. Henry was on the phone once again today. Grillo told Howard that Henry was drunk but when he picked up the phone Henry said that he wasn't drunk. He did sound a tiny bit drunk but who knows... He was telling Howard about where he buried bodies again. He said that there's a few bodies buried under a boccie court on Lefferts Blvd behind some bar. Spider, Remo, Paulie the geek and Frankie are buried there.. whoever the hell they are. Henry said that he didn't kill them, some other guy did it. They threw some lime on the bodies so there may not be anything left of them. So anyway, Howard got to asking Henry about drinking again. Howard said something about Jack Daniels and Henry said ''...I'm not drinking Dack Janiels..''! Well what the heck IS he drinking? Who knows? Then Howard asked him why he called. Henry called because he needed some advice. Henry said that he wanted to go on dial-a-date. Howard told him that if he's having woman problems the easiest thing to do is ''Become a Faeg''.. Then he'd be known as 'Henry the faeg'. Henry needed some advice on being a single parent also. Henry is going to try to raise his 7 year old son by himself. Henry got in trouble the last time he was on with the people that are raising his son. He wasn't very clear on the subject but he wanted to clear it up...whatever ''it'' was. He's very cryptic when he speaks. He did say that the people raising his son are black. Maybe he doesn't want them raising his white kid? Who knows.
  • Robin gets Fred all fired up when she talks about some of the unusual things he does during the show. Howard also talks about how he never fights with his wife
  • Howard has a hot 20 year old who has a 30-B-cup bra come in to meet him after she claims Howard turned her sex life around
  • A disturbed fan who thinks he's been hearing Howard talk to him through the radio for years comes in to visit

• The Best Of Stern. 7/12/01.
  The reruns are almost over people. Just one more day to go. Howard returns live on Monday the 16th. Here's what we heard today:
  • ''Big Willie Pop'' commercial parody
  • Stone Temple Pilots perform ''Days of the Week''
  • Wacky Mira Segal comes in to talk to Howard. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 8/15/96. This woman claims that she is Steven Segal's real wife and that she was locked up in a house by Scientoligists. She called in a few weeks ago after Kelly Lebrock appeared on the show. Mira claimed that Kelly Lebrock is not the 'real' Kelly Lebrock. She says that Kelly was exchanged for a stand-in and that Steven Segal was put in to movies by the government. Mira says that she has been married to Steven in previous lives also... Hmmm. She just babbled on and on about scientoligists and the government screwing around with peoples lives. She had pictures of Steven that show his 'astral body' next to him. That's why it looks like his hair is receding according to her. This woman also had information about other celebrities. She said that her voice was used in place of Mira Sorvino's in some movie. Well I guess she's got a hell of an imagination! Every answer she had just sounded like double talk. What a nightmare... Mira's employer also called in. Mira is a cab driver and her boss said that she is one of the best employees he's got. He said that she's always told these stories but she's not too nutty to be a cab driver. He also said that he knew there was life on mars along time ago..when he hired this woman!
  • Norm Macdonald appears on the show as Bob Dole. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 9/26/96. 'Bob Dole' (Norm MacDonald) started off by tripping into the studio this morning, falling on the floor and staying there for a few seconds. Howard did his thing with 'Bob' and it was pretty damn funny. 'Bob' talked about not hating ''the homo's and queers'' ''Freedom for all homo's'' said 'Bob'. He also said if you're going to take an AIDS test ''...don't cram for it the night before!''. Once 'Bob' was done he became Norm. Norm said that he really hurt his arm when he tripped and fell into the studio. He's supposed to do another fall on Saturday Night Live this week and he's a little reluctant to do it. Norm is more entertaining as himself than as Dole when he comes in. Norm told a story about going to the bathroom at NBC one time. He says that he went to take a dump and just started thinking about a good looking woman. He said that he got aroused and had to finish himself off there in the bathroom. Well after he was done he was walking down the hall when he remembered that he didn't wipe! Wow ... what a story. Howard said that when Norm came in and read the Bob Dole script while off the air he wanted all the doody jokes taken out. But when it comes to talking about his own life he feels free to talk about taking a dump and forgetting to wipe! What a nut. He also told stories about going to school with retards and how his father made him be friends with one in his class. Norm's father was his teacher for one year and Norm had to call him Mr. Macdonald. When some woman called in and said that Norm is dating Elle McPherson he denied it once again. Last time he was in Howard asked him the same thing.
  • Howard plays tape of Stuttering John at the Million Man March reunion. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 10/17/96. Yesterday Stuttering John was out at the Million Man March Reunion, day of atonement or whatever the hell it was called. He was interviewing the people at the rally. Howard spent most of the morning playing the tapes of the interviews. It seemed like he was interviewing a lot of black people, I can't imagine why... John was asking questions about OJ and why the blacks hate the Jews. For some reason it always sounds like John picks the stupidest people to interview. That's why some guy called in to complain. He was asking why John didn't interview some of the intelligent people that were at the rally. John doesn't pick the retards out of the crowd. He just picks anyone and the most interesting interviews make it to the air. That's all there is to it. With some of the interviews Howard was guessing how the guy would answer the question. That lasted through a couple of interviews but some of the guys answering the questions would just ramble on and on about nothing so Howard gave up on it.
  • Intern Gay Rich returns for the summer and meets Mark the intern who's not comfortable around him

• The Best Of Stern. 7/13/01.
  Whew! Last day of reruns. Here's what we heard today:
  • ''Street Classics'' commercial parody
  • Howard's band The Losers perform ''Bang a Gong''
  • Phil Collins comes in to visit. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 10/30/96. Phil Collins came in with minimal instruments this morning. After the horrible experience with YES the other day Howard had Gary ask Phil to come in with a Casio instead of a big band. Phil wasn't thrilled to be up so early in the morning but he hung in there for the show. Howard talked to him for a little bit then asked him to play a few songs. Phil did one of his big hits from the '80's, In The Air Tonight first and then did a medley of a few other songs. The first song sounded much better than any of YES' songs but it still wasn't right. Howard took a break after the first song to fix a couple of problems. He seemed to have fixed them after the break because Phil sounded a little bit better with the medley songs. Phil seemed like a really cool guy, especially to Robin! After Phil had gone Robin said that it's not often that she likes a person more after she's met them. Phil must have really done something right to get Robin's attention like that.
  • Hypnotist Paul McKenna comes in. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 8/2/96. Paul McKenna has been in before to hypnotize some Scores girls in to thinking that Elephant Boy was a nice looking guy. He came in again today to hypnotize some interns. He also wanted to plug his ABC show 'The Worlds Funniest Hypnotist' which will be on at 8pm EST tomorrow night. Gary came in and said that he wasn't hypnotizable but a few of the female interns were. And so was Doug from the E! crew. Doug was the first to come in to the studio. Mckenna had Doug tell untruths to everyone in the studio. He was saying that he was a heart surgeon and that he dates Robin on a regular basis. He also said that he was the inventor of Windows 95! After telling his lies Mckenna had Doug come out of the hypnosis but told Doug to remember what he had just said. Doug got really embarrassed and couldn't believe what he himself had just said. The next two hypnotized victims were interns, Christina and Leslie. These two weren't as convincing as Doug. Christina was saying that she was the 'real' Robin Quivers and the Robin in the studio stole her job. After arguing with the Robin we all know and love, Christina became Kathie Lee Gifford. She played it too mellow. She told some lame stories and sang really bad. Leslie was hypnotized into thinking that she dates Howard. This seems to be one of Howard's favorite things to do with hypnotized women. He does it almost every time that people are hypnotized. Leslie was saying that she love's Howard's ass. She saw it at the movie shoot when he was dressed up in his Fartman uniform. I guess those dimples in his ass turn her on. She also said that she's having his baby! She also sang to Howard. She's a little better at it than Christina...but not much! She also talked about her sexual experience with Howard. Howard said that he wants her to get rid of the baby but she refused. Well that's about all I can take of this...so as Paul Mckenna might say to you ''Eyes open...wide awake..wakie wakie!!!''
  • Howard has to talk to Scott the Engineer about working things out with everyone so he gets his work done on time. Howard also complains about cameraman Mike Gange asking every guest ''So how'd it go?'' after walking out of the studio
  • Teri Hatcher comes in to visit her e-mail buddy Howard. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 9/24/96. Howard's favorite TV star came in to visit this morning. Teri Hatcher, for those of you who are clueless, plays Lois Lane on the ABC TV show Lois and Clark. Howard has had Teri in the studio before and started and e-mail relationship with her. She was in and told Howard that she's really into computers so they started e-mailing each other until Howard went over the line a bit with a bizarre one. Howard, Jackie and Robin worked together on an e-mail that was supposed to impress Miss Hatcher but after he sent it he didn't hear from her for a long while. Teri told Howard this morning that it was a little bit over the line but she did save it and show it to people but not her husband. Howard still had the e-mail so he read it for everyone this morning. Since that letter Howard and Teri have made up. They still e-mail each other once in a while although Teri just sends a 'hi how are you doing' type letter. Howard sends love letters. So anyway, Teri was in to plug a new movie that she's in called Two Days In The Valley which opens this Friday. Teri says that the cast were really great in the movie. She stars along with Eric Stoltz, Danny Aiello, James Spader and a bunch of other stars.
  • Howard plays some Stuttering John interviews from the News Documentary Emmy Awards. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 9/12/96. John was out at The News Documentary Emmy Awards last night and got a few interviews. John caught James Earl Jones, Scott O'Grady, James Lovell, and Al Franken. The first person up was James Earl Jones. First question ''Are you Colon Powell?'' James said that he was trying to lose weight so that maybe he would be mistaken for Colon one day ...next question was something about 'don't you hate it when no-talents like Oprah Winfrey make $98 million and James has to do Yellow Pages ads?' James said that he wouldn't call anyone a no-talent. John stuttered while asking a question and James told him that he was also a stutterer. He said that he admires John. John slipped in a 'ballsacksayswhat?' and James just said ''huh?'' When John asked James if he'd let his kid sleep in a room with Michael Jackson alone James just walked away. Next person up was Senator George McGovern. John's first question ''why do you think all the political candidates suck now?'' Good old George just said he wouldn't put it that way and rambled for a couple of seconds. John asked a couple of other lame questions one of which was ''don't you have anything better to do tonight?'' He just left after that one. Next up: Captain Scott O'Grady who was shot down over Bosnia in the past couple of years. Scott was having fun with this. John's first question was ''Do you really give a crap about the people in Bosnia?'' Scott said that he cares about everybody in this world. Every question after that was funny as hell to Scott. He just started to laugh. Even when John would slip in a 'ballsacksayswhat' Scott was so out of it that he just laughed his ass off. John asked him ''who are you going to vote for, the draft dodger or the old codger?'' Scott just laughed. That got John laughing his ass off and they were both in tears. The guy could barely answer a question anymore. John must have slipped in about 20 'ballsacksayswhat's' during this interview. Great interview but the next one was even better. This was with Captain James Lovell from the real Apollo 13 mission. First question was about Tom Hanks portrayal in the movie. James went over that and said Tom was very good. next question ''would it make you nervous to be in space with a homosexual astronaut?'' Lovell was very serious and said it wouldn't bother him.... question ''how was it the first time you had to go to the bathroom in your space suit?'' this got the Captain kind of confused and he eventually answered it saying that they had a normal bathroom on the ship. Next one...''As a NASA experiment did they ever have you masturbate in space?'' This really confused the old guy and he said ''no no hey wait a second where are we?'' then he mumbled something about ''stern in new york''. That's when he knew that he was in trouble. Then this question.. ''did you ever run off a batch in the capsule?'' this time Lovell just said that he wasn't answering that question. Last question.. ''which astronaut had the biggest sexual organ'' that one chased him away! The last person was Al Franken. This interview was nothing compared to the rest of them! Al answered a few questions about how bad his movie was and about leaving Saturday Night Live, since he was one of the writers on SNL for many many years. What a great collection of interviews.