For The Week Of 7/2/2001 to 7/6/2001

• The Best Of Stern. 7/2/01.
  Best of Stern day one. Here's what we heard on today's show:
  • ''Scott The Engineer Aggression Clinic'' commercial parody
  • Sheryl Crow performs ''Strong Enough'' live for Howard
  • Howard yells at Stuttering John about appearing in a ''Friends of the Howard Stern Show'' gig down in Atlantic City with Gary and Jackie
  • Howard talks about a story in the news about ''The Howard Stern Rapist'', a guy pretending to be Gary Dell'Abate
  • ''Psychic Friends in the Hood'' commercial parody
  • Howard plays tape of Stuttering John interviewing Walter Cronkite for the second time
  • Stuttering John gets slapped by Sharon Stone's bodyguard. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 9/9/96. Howard finally got to discuss the MTV Awards with Stuttering John this morning. Stupid dried up old prude, Sharon Stone, was offended by John's questions last Wednesday and her body guard got physical with John because of it. John told his side of the story and it's obvious that he should file a lawsuit against this guy and his boss Sharon Stone. John said the guy just slapped him across the face so John pushed back and the next thing you know John is being held down by 4 guys being beat up. He ended up going to the hospital with back pain. He's still on anti-inflammatory medication to keep his back pain under control. Michael Buffer, the guy who says 'Let's get ready to rumble!' at fights, called in to tell his sighting of the fight. He was standing near John when the fight happened and he backed up John's claims. He was also impressed with John for not falling to the floor when he was punched in the face. John kept on his feet and yelled out for anyone who got a picture of the fight. Before all of that happened John questioned a few celebrities. He got The Fugees, Chris Rock, LL Cool J, Toni Braxton, Beck and Dennis Miller. Everyone at these awards knows who John is it seems. Once he'd ask a question the person would say ''are you that guy from Howard Stern?''. As usual some of the people went along with the questions and laughed them off but some people can't take it and they freak out... for example: Sharon Stone. Beck just pretended to be weird and answered with really stupid things. Dennis Miller knows John so he played with him for a couple of questions but joked his way out of the rest. John was asking some racial questions when the black performers would come up so eventually someone from MTV came over and asked him to tone it down a bit.
  • A woman calls in who claims she was raped by her father when she was younger
  • A 17 year old Vegan calls in to thank Robin for talking about her stance on animal testing. Howard goofs on the girl about being a Vegan for a few minutes

• The Best Of Stern. 7/3/01.
  Day two of reruns. Here's what we heard on today's Best of Stern:
  • Al Pacino phony call bit
  • Stacey Rucker sings ''I Want More Howard Stern''
  • Patty Hearst visits. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 9/11/96. This woman, Patty Hearst, was the daughter of some really rich guy and was kidnapped when she was younger. She wrote a book(nothing to do with her kidnapping) and was in to plug it this morning. While she was in she described her abduction to Howard. Patty's novel is entitled 'Murder at San Simeon' and it's available now.
  • Howard plays tape of Stuttering John interviews with Walter Cronkite, Phil Donahue, Jane Pauley, Barbara Walters, Mike Wallace, Tom Brokaw and Peter Jennings
  • A very excited phone caller's voice quivers as Howard talks dirty to her
  • Richard Simmons comes in so Howard can berate him once again. Gary calls in to talk about his wedding that's happening the next day
  • Fadima the ''It Doesn't Matta'' woman calls in. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 9/25/96. The woman who was nominated for an F-Emmy earlier this week was on the phone this morning. She called in to straighten Howard on a small fact. She said that she's not from Haiti, she's from South Africa or something like that. The conversation started off pretty tame but soon got out of hand when she went nuts yelling ''IT DOESN'T MATTA'' again. What a nut!
  • Howard gets pissed when he hears that his Dallas station is running a promo with his name in it about a parade Gary will be appearing in

• The Best Of Stern. 7/4/01.
  Happy Fourth of July! Here's what we heard on today's ''Best of Stern'':
  • Backside Boys sing ''Backside's Back''
  • ''Celebrity Driving Shuttle'' commercial parody
  • Howard plays a couple of Ponce De La Phone ''Ben Stern'' phony phone calls
  • New Jersey Governor Christie Whitman comes in to tell Howard a rest stop was to be dedicated to him on Rt. 295
  • Howard talks about the controversy surrounding his New Jersey rest stop before Congressman Serano came in to visit. Dick Clark also called in to comment
  • Howard continues to talk about his rest stop controversy after many newspapers and politicians complain about him getting one named after him. Howard also ends up yelling at Gary for screwing up
  • Robin reads a news story about Elvis and his alleged ''peeping'' obsession. Howard did his impression of Elvis and wonders why people still worship the guy

• The Best Of Stern. 7/5/01.
  Day four of reruns. Here's what we heard on today's show:
  • Foo Fighters perform ''Learn to Fly'' in the studio
  • ''Monica Lewinsky Shampoo'' commercial parody
  • The 1996 F-Emmy Awards. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 9/19/96. It's that time of the year once again. Time to award the best and worst of The Howard Stern Show with radio's coveted award...The F-Emmy! I don't know if that's how they spell it but I gave it a try. Every year the F-Emmy judges(Gary) choose a couple of contestants for such categories as 'Best Incest Story'. Howard does a monolog just like they do on the Emmys. Then they'll play tape of the contestants and announce the winner. Almost every winner will be on the phone to make their acceptance speech. This year they've even got cameras on the winners for the E! show. So here we go with today's F-Emmy winners:

      Robin's Best Staff Fight

      1. Robin fights with Jackie about her book sales and his
      2. Robin fights with Stuttering John about not talking to him
      3. Robin fights with Steve Grillo for who knows what reason
      4. Robin fights with Gary for some reason
      5. Robin fights with Howard for some reason

      And the winner was... Robin's fight with Jackie. Jackie and Robin both accepted their F-Emmy's. Next category was...
      

      Best Incest Story

      1. Guy who had sex with his Aunt and Uncle
      2. Woman who slept with her Niece
      3. Guy who slept with his Grandmother(Nana)

      The winner was... The guy who slept with his Grandmother. He was on the phone to accept.
      Next up was Crackhead Bob to read the rules. First he had to show off his new tattoo of Fred and Jackie. He just loves to tattoo Stern show members on his arm. The next tattoo to be added to his arm is going to be Gary! That should be interesting! Here were the rules.. although you couldn't understand a word he said...
      1. 'Don't smoke crack..oh that's one of my rules'
      2. 'If anyone takes these awards seriously then you should have your head examined and your children taken away from you'
      3. 'Anyone who understood a word I said should have yourself institutionalized'
      The next category was:
      

      Best Wack Pack Fight

      1. Melrose Larry Green VS Captain Janks
      2. Kenneth Keith VS Captain Janks
      3. Melrose Larry Green VS Captain Janks 2

      The winners were.. Kenneth Keith and Captain Janks. The two of them were in to accept their awards. Janks and Kenneth have gotten over their fight and have hung out since then. Back when they had their fight they were calling each drug users but now say that neither of them use drugs. This next award was something special...
      

      Lifetime Achievement Award

      This award goes to Wood Yi (Steve the Engineer) and was presented by Elephant Boy

      Elephant Boy read some words about Wood Yi and Howard played some of Wood Yi's weather reports. Wood Yi was there live to accept. Wood Yi as usual had some really funny lines for us. He made some jokes about his girlfriend Soon Yee like this one.. 'I'm going to put this on the mantle next to the naked polaroids of the little nip that gave her mother a nervous breakdown and almost landed me in the hoosegow' and 'see you later I have a date with a cutie who's farts smell like rice' ... Wow what an acceptance speech!
  • More from the 1996 F-Emmys . An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 9/20/96. Let's get right to the categories:

      Best Staff Fight Without Robin

      1. Stuttering John VS Grillo about living in his apartment
      2. Stuttering John VS Gange about living in his apartment
      3. Fred VS Mike(a listener) about the Rainbow Room fight

      The winner was Mike the listener who called in and really pissed of Fred by bringing up the fight that he and his wife had while at the Rainbow Room with Jackie and his wife. The guy came into the studio to accept his award. Fred once said that he'd kill the guy if he ever saw him in person. Well there was no killing this morning but Fred is still pissed at the guy. We also found out that Fred hasn't worn his wedding ring since the filming of Private Parts started!

      Best Celebrity Sex Story

      1. Milton Berle about Marilyn Monroe
      2. Chuck Negron, lead singer of Three Dog Night, about his penis blowing up
      3. Alan Thicke about his kids once seeing Janet Jones, Wayne Gretsky's wife, taking a bath at his house
      4. Casey Casem's daughter talking about her lesbian experience
      5. Tiny Tim about his impotence

      And the winner was Tiny Tim of course. Tiny accepted his F-Emmy on the phone. Howard brought up the fact that Tiny was the inspiration for the 'Peeing in the diaper' bit that happened recently. Tiny wears disposable diapers because they're more sanitary.

      Best Celebrity Argument

      1. Pat Cooper VS Robin about not being invited to Howard's birthday show
      2. Max Kinkle, ex-K-Rock DJ, VS King Of All Disasters about his service in Vietnam
      3. Jackie Mason VS a Bellhop on the phone about not tipping enough
      4. Joey Buttafuoco VS Elliot Fisher, Amy Fisher's father

      The winner was Joey Buttafuoco. He was also on the phone to accept his F-Emmy. Joey was calling in from Los Angeles at some party out there. He did his acceptance and Howard also spoke to Mary Jo for a minute. Mr. Fisher wasn't on the phone because Da Da Dopey didn't think he'd come on the phone with Joey after the last nightmare call.

• The Best Of Stern. 7/6/01.
  The first week of reruns is over. Here's what we heard on today's ''Best of Stern'':
  • KC has Jim Bob of the Touch Tone Terrorists make a phony phone call to Joe the Godfather
  • The Losers perform ''Wipe Out'' on the Magic Johnson TV show
  • F-Emmy Awards from 1996. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 9/24/96. Here are today's F-Emmy nominees and winners:

      Grillo's Most Embarrassing Moment

      1. Grillo reading the dedication in Miss America where he pronounced ''debt'' as ''debit''
      2. Grillo sings War Pigs with no musical help
      3. Grillo talks about Regis ''Philbman'' but his name is Philbin

      The winner was Grillo talking about Regis ''Philbman''. Grillo came in to accept the award. He still doesn't know the correct pronunciation of Mr. Philbin's name...not that it matters.

      Angriest Phone Caller

      1. Woman from Haiti who kept saying ''It doesn't matta...''
      2. Old Crow woman who yelled at Howard
      3. Old Crow woman calls back and yells at Howard once again

      This category had a tie! It was between the two Old Crow phone calls. The Old Crow couldn't be at the awards show to accept so porno star Jenna Jameson accepted.
  • Even more from the 1996 F-Emmys. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 9/25/96. And here they are...

      Phone Caller of The Year

      1. Charles the suicidal guy who was ready to kill himself on the phone
      2. Old woman bashing Robin for talking badly about Fred
      3. Man who loved his dog...tried to have sex with a collie

      The winner was number 3, the man who tried to sleep with his dog but he couldn't accept his award so Gilbert Gottfried was on the phone to accept. Gilbert was speechless when Howard picked up the phone. Gilbert was supposed to be able to hear the show while on hold but as usual the K-Rock equipment was malfunctioning. Howard let Gilbert off the hook and just plugged his appearance at Rascals in West Orange NJ.

      Best Intellectual Endeavor By a Beautifully Breasted Woman

      1. Kimberly Taylor talking about how there was too much German writing on a bottle of wine
      2. Stacy Sanches, when asked 'what do you call an airplane without a propeller' says 'a plane that's gonna crash
      3. Stacy Sanches asked who the speaker of the house is and what is the center of our solar system ...doesn't know either

      The winner was Playboy Playmate of the year Stacy Sanches. She was on the phone to accept. There was an E! camera there so we'll be able to see it on E! when it airs. Howard started asking her more questions that she couldn't answer like ''who invented the light bulb'' and ''what does the earth revolve around''. The light bulb question was multiple choice and Howard thinks that the cameraman helped Stacy out answering it but she did get it right. Could she possibly be that dumb?...who cares, she's gorgeous!

      Best Celebrity Admission

      1. Dennis Rodman admitting that he used to steal watches
      2. Ozzy Osbourne admitting to taking Prozac and being a psycho
      3. David Space talking about Eddie Murphy calling him and yelling at him
      4. Buster Douglas about how he got scammed out of his fight winnings
      5. Norm MacDonald talks about relieving himself into Evian water bottles in his home

      Ozzy won this one and he was on the phone to accept. Ozzy says that he's still on Prozac and he's still a psycho! Howard also mentioned that Ozzy will appear in Private Parts the movie.

      Best Homophobic Moment with Scott DePace

      1. Scott talks about how homos are a 'gross thing'
      2. Scott says if his kid was gay he wouldn't let the kids boyfriend in the house
      3. Scott leaves gay messages on an answering machine

      Well obviously Scott DePace from E! was the winner. He was there to accept the award and a transvestite was there to present it to him. Scott seemed to be freaked out by the transvestite a little bit. He's very homophobic but doesn't admit to it on the air because he works in the entertainment business and doesn't want to offend anyone. Scott thanked his girlfriend most of all when he made his acceptance speech.

      Best Henry Hill Phone Call

      1. Henry calls in drunk..
      2. Henry calls again but sober this time, says he's gonna stay sober..
      3. Henry calls again REALLY drunk giving locations of where he buried some bodies

      Henry Hill was on the phone to accept. He was very pleased to win this great award and said that he was sober. Howard had to ask Henry about killing people because that's what he's known for. Howard asked what the best way to kill someone is. Henry said that an ice pick to the back of the skull is the easiest and cleanest way to whack someone. This is one sick man but it sure is interesting to hear this crap. Henry denies killing anyone but he can tell you how to do it... interesting.
  • Even more from the 1996 F-Emmys. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 9/27/96. Howard said something about these being the last of this years F-Emmys. I sure hope he's right... Here are the nominees and winners:

      Best Phony Phone Call of The Year

      1. Ponce De LaPhone calls as Ben Stern
      2. Captain Janks calls Rosie O'Donnell a Fat Pig
      3. Ponce De LaPhone calls as a gay guy fighting with his boyfriend 'Jackie'
      4. Captain Janks calls CP Telethon as Kathie Lee

      Almost every year Captain Janks gets nominated for this category and loses. Not this year! He won but only by default. When Ponce was contacted he withdrew from the running because he said that Janks' call to the CP Telethon was better than his own. So after years and years of losing this category Captain Janks has finally gotten his due. Janks was on the phone to accept. Once he was done with his acceptance he had another call to play. The new call was to Chuck Woolery's new tv show on The Family Channel. Chuck is in the hospital now after having triple bypass surgery. Janks called in as Chuck! He played sick when they put him on the air. Then he told the guest of the show, Rick Dees, that he sucked and Howard Stern ruled. Everyone on the show sounded kind of stunned. They hung up on Janks and goofed on his call for a few seconds. Howard said that it was one of the funniest calls he's heard. Janks did yet another amazing call.

      Best Berating of an Employee by Howard

      1. Howard yells at Ralph about not getting a picture to him
      2. Howard yells at Stuttering John about not screening calls correctly
      3. Howard yells at Ralph for showing pictures from his new book

      Ralph won this category and came in to accept. His speech was nice and short. He was basically in and out of the studio. Who the hell wants to hear from him anyway?
  • A woman comes in to strip down and talk about stripping at old age homes