For The Week Of 4/9/2001 to 4/16/2001

• The Best Of Stern. 4/9/01.
  Day one of spring reruns... Here's what we heard on today's Best Of Stern:
  • Craig Gass' ''Al Pacino'' calls in to talk about Dean Cain being a fairy
  • ''His Mouth's Wide Open'' song parody by Sal the Stockbroker
  • Howard talks to Gary about his wedding plans while Richard Simmons keeps peeking in the studio annoying them
  • Richard Simmons talks about Mother's day and Gary's wedding
  • King of all Rednecks plays a phony phone call that he made to a network program where he yells out Baba Booey a bunch of times
  • Playboy Playmates Stacy and Julie visit. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 7/26/96. Playboy Playmates, Stacy Sanches and Julie Selini, came in this morning to plug some 900 number football thing, 900-820-6666, $3 per call. Before they came in Howard had a vibrator going and was wondering if the girls would let him vibrate them. Howard played with the vibrator for a minute or two before they came in. Of course when they came in they didn't want Howard to come near them with the vibrator. The two Playmates used to be best friends but they've gone their separate ways because they no longer get along. They explained their whole story for a good 10-15 minutes. Both of them are out on this publicity thing and they don't even talk to each other anymore. One of them said that they just sat there in the green room not saying a word to each other! Then Howard wanted to test their IQ's. He asked them the usual easy questions that he asks of beautiful women. These two were just barely able to answer the questions... Surprise, surprise... Before they left Howard talked to them about their breasts. Julie says hers are real. She also said that Stacy's are fake and hard as a rock. Interesting!
  • Mira calls in and tells Howard that Kelly Lebrock isn't really Kelly Lebrock. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 6/26/96. This woman called in this morning claiming that Kelly Lebrock, who was on E! last night, is not the real Kelly Lebrock! She was saying something about Kelly being an imposter hired by the CIA to work with, ex-husband, Steven Segal. So this nut on the phone was talking about how she's actually Steven Segal's wife. When Howard asked her if she had ever been institutionalized she said ''no comment''. She went on and on about this crap and almost had everyone convinced that she was telling the truth...yeah right. After that call there was another woman who called in. This one said that after being in a car accident, in which she was struck in the head by the air bag, she now has psychic abilities. She was talking about some of her predictions but none of them were accurate. In one murder case she helped the police out by giving a name of the killer. The only problem was that it wasn't the right murder! He had committed a murder but not the one that this woman predicted. Howard asked her if she could predict how his movie would do when it comes out. She said that he wouldn't be doing a movie...hmmm. She doesn't sound like a psychic to me! She also said that her young son holds up a cross to her face to ward off any evil that may be in her. Does Howard attract some weird ones or what?
  • Christian Slater's father calls in. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 8/2/96. Some guy called in this morning and said that he was Christian Slater's father. He said that he and Christian don't talk much and that Christian gives him $2000 a month to live on. This guy, Michael Degainsboro aka Tom Slater, said that he was with Christian's mom until he was 8 years old. He also said that Christian is an avid listener of the show and that he and Christian have talked about Howard before. This guy said that he is also an actor and Christian got his talent from him. He's taking all the credit for Christian's talent. He sounded like another wacko but who knows...
  • Howard plays tape of a conversation he had with Bob Hope off the air
  • Jackie talks about how he forgot to invite Scott the Engineer to a party which leads to everyone talking about how they forget about him all the time
  • Howard yells at Gary after he put one of his paintings, ''The Mouth'', in an office that was locked
  • Howard talks about his days at WCCC with his boss Sy Dresner.

• The Best Of Stern. 4/10/01.
  Here's what we heard on today's show:
  • ''H&R Black Tax'' commercial parody
  • Shaggy performs ''It Wasn't Me'' live on the show
  • Howard plays a bunch of tapes including the Mad Russian and Kathie Lee with Frank Gifford talking about saving their marriage
  • Robin reads a story about how 4 priests molested a boy at a church. Ralph calls in and tells his own story of almost being molested
  • Ralph loses a Super Bowl bet so he has to go out dressed as a woman / A guy who knows Ralph says he had similar experiences with the same priest Ralph did
  • Jerry Seinfeld visits and talks about dating Tawny Kittean and other hot chicks
  • Howard berates Gary after talking about how he gets on his nerves too often
  • Howard and Gary discuss tribute bands for The Doors and Van Halen
  • A guy who claims to be Jimi Hendrix reincarnated comes in to play guitar for Howard

• The Best Of Stern. 4/11/01.
  Day three of reruns. Here's what we heard on today's show:
  • ''The Homeless Brady Bunch'' TV show parody
  • James Taylor sings ''Woodstock'' live in the studio
  • Stuttering John and Steve Grillo interview people in Harlem about the O.J. Simpson verdict
  • Melrose Larry Green visits. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 7/25/96. The ever annoying a-hole Melrose Larry Green came in to have his 'segment' and plug his stuff. Whenever this dope comes in Gary hates it and he lets everyone know on the air. Gary knows that Melrose doesn't like him but Melrose denies hating him even though there are tapes of Melrose bad mouthing him. Not just a little either. He yells and screams about Gary. Melrose has something like a girlfriend, not really a girlfriend according to Melrose, who helps him out with some of his stuff. She called in to defend him. Howard heard that she poses for magazines like Hustler. Her name is Kim and she must be a little odd if she enjoys hanging out with Melrose.
  • Hank the Dwarf's first visit. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 8/16/96. Early this morning when the crew were coming in to the building they noticed a drunk midget saying that he was going to be on the show. Of course a midget is welcome anytime on the show so he was ushered on. Hank, who doesn't like to be called a midget, came in really drunk and angry. Hank said that calling midgets 'midgets' is like calling them 'nig*ers'. So Hank prefers to be called a dwarf...please remember that! So anyway the little midget was barely able to speak. Howard was loving it. Hank said that he hates Jews, Catholics, Blacks and Cops. Howard hung with Hank for a while and Hank even ended up showing Howard the size of his penis. Howard was curious so he asked him to pull it out. Hank didn't even hesitate to pull down his pants and yank it out. Howard was pretty surprised. Hank said that he's been drinking since he was 8 years old! I don't think that he's stopped since! He was sloshed. At one point a black woman called in and said that she'd like to go out with this little man even though he hates all these people. She said that she likes people that hate other people and she's really curious to go out with him. Howard invited her down and off she went. Later in the show she came down to the studio. Howard said that Ralph brought in a Superman costume for Hank to wear. When Hank came into the studio he wasn't wearing the costume. Howard asked Ralph why he wasn't wearing it. Ralph said that he didn't want to go back and ask the dwarf if he wanted to wear a costume. Howard called Ralph a freak and a retard and kicked him out of the studio. Howard also said that Ralph no longer does his hair...I did not know that. So this woman, D(ebra). Ann, came in and Howard said that she was really cute! As soon as she walked in Hank had his hand on her ass! She says that she's a psychology major and she just wanted to meet this angry little man. D. Ann said that her 8 year old daughter wants to beat up Hank. Hank asked why and D. Ann said ''because she doesn't like midgets...''. Gary came in and said that the plan for these two was a carriage ride around Central Park and maybe lunch if D. Ann sticks around. So the two of them left the studio. When Howard and Robin started the news with Gilbert Gottfried, Howard asked Gilbert if he wanted to see Hank in his Superman Costume. Of course Gilbert couldn't refuse so in came Superman. Hank was going to be wearing the costume for his carriage ride. What a site that must have been. Even later in the show Gary came in and said that Hank was running around the station in his costume, barefoot, like a little kid.
  • Hank the Dwarf's date with D. Ann. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 8/19/96. Last Friday Hank and his date, D. Ann, went out on a carriage ride in Central Park. Howard had tape of it today along with an almost sober Hank on the phone. Hank was really drunk and dressed in a Superman outfit while in the carriage. He's so short that he needed a boost in to the carriage. He was so drunk that he couldn't even stay up straight in his seat so D. Ann had to hold him up. Howard played a little bit of tape with Hank saying that he'd have sex with D. Ann right there in the carriage. When Howard asked Hank if he remembered all of this Hank said that some of it was a little fuzzy. Howard figured out that D. Ann just came down to the studio to meet him, not Hank. Halfway through the carriage ride D. Ann was picking up other guys! Sounds like a dream date for Hank huh?
  • Ralph gets hypnotized to find out if he was ever molested by a Priest
  • Howard plays Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 7/3/96. I may not be able to explain this one very well but here goes... These three guys came in today who can link any well known actor with Kevin Bacon. For example, you tell them Sharon Stone. These guys take that name and a movie that she's been in and say Sharon Stone was in 'name of movie' with 'another actor' and that other actor was in another movie with another actor that acted with Kevin Bacon...I know I don't explain it well but it's pretty amazing what they do. When they came in they wanted the audience to call in and try to stump them. No one could do it! Every actor that was mentioned could be traced to Kevin Bacon. Bacon called in during the contest to tell them not to bad mouth him and to say how amazing they were.

• The Best Of Stern. 4/12/01.
  Here's what we heard on today's show: George Michael Movie Marathon cinema phone call parody Third Eye Blind performs ''Jumper'' live in the studio Jason, a guy who slept with his sister, came in to talk about his experience. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
  • 8/21/96 This guy, Jason, had come in and talked about having sex with his sister a couple of months ago. Today he called in to give Howard an update on what has happened since that time. Jason said that his wife didn't leave him but they don't have sex anymore. He also told Howard that he got into a fist fight with his Step Father and his Father-in-law on separate occasions. His other in-laws don't know about this nightmare yet but someday they may. This guy's appearance on the E! show should appear around September 25th.
• Henry Hill calls in drunk and tells Howard where some bodies are buried. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
  • 8/22/96. Henry Hill, an ex-mobster, called in this morning to tell Howard that the story about John Gotti getting punched in prison was true. Henry was very drunk and obnoxious on the phone. He was laughing about Gotti getting 'bitch slapped' by a black man. He was thrilled! Henry says that the mob will never get that black guy because they don't have any power anymore. Henry isn't even afraid of being caught himself. He was or is in a witness protection program but today he was telling millions of people where he is. Henry even started telling Howard where some bodies were buried! But he was so drunk he wouldn't finish a thought. Plus Robin kept interrupting Henry and that really pissed him off. Every time Robin would make a sound, Henry would yell at her for a couple of minutes. Henry eventually told Howard a couple of burial sites. Howard said that he wants to have a scavenger hunt for some of the bones. At one point another mob guy called in and started calling Henry a 'fag'. The two of them called each other names for a good 5 minutes. They were cursing so much that Howard was hitting the delay button every couple of seconds and he still couldn't catch all of the curses. The other guy on the phone was saying that someone would eventually bury Henry but Henry didn't really care. Henry was telling this guy where he was so he could do it himself. I wonder if that was the alcohol talking... Howard finally got tired of trying to get anything out of Henry so he had to hang up on him.
• Howard plays tape of Stuttering John interviewing Chevy Chase. Howard then finds out that Stuttering John once tried taking Prozac to improve his guitar playing
• Howard plays ''Dame Dat Dune'' with Crackhead Bob. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
  • 7/24/96. After yesterday's Van Halen bit, Howard decided to do a 'Name that tune' type of game with Crackhead Bob. Bob came in this morning and Howard had listeners try to guess what Bob was singing for prizes. The first song was fairly easy to get. It was Brown Sugar by the Rolling Stones. The next few songs weren't so easy to get. I don't think anyone but Bob knew what he was singing. It sounded like a wounded, dying animal screaming at the top of it's lungs.
• Taxi the transvestite comes in to talk about his/her life and new boyfriend

• The Best Of Stern. 4/13/01.
  Here's what we heard on the last day of ''Best Of'':
  • Joe Rogan ''Getting Pumped'' bit from his CD ''I'm Gonna Be Dead Someday''
  • ''Real American Douchebags'' commercial parody
  • The 8th Annual F-Emmy Awards
  • Stuttering John's first appearance on the show
  • Gilbert Gottfried visits/Howard tries call David Letterman to find out why he's not welcome on the show