The conversation changed when Howard started talking about Ronnie wanting to be a race car driver. Howard mentioned that Dale Earnhardt Sr.'s wife is suing to keep her husband's autopsy photos private. Ronnie mentioned that they've been released by someone and she's upset. Howard is worried that when he dies he'll show up on the web also.
Howard continued to badger Ronnie about not driving the limo this morning. Ronnie tried to convince Howard that he was just trying to be prepared for more snow later in the day. Howard said he wanted the limo today because he'll probably be going out to Long Island after the show. Ronnie couldn't win any argument though. Whatever he said was wrong. He eventually apologized for making the wrong choice. He even said he wasn't going to charge Howard for the limo since he had the truck.
Gary made the mistake of telling Howard that he went shopping over the weekend to prepare for the storm. He said everyone was buying up everything and he ended up spending $102 on his groceries. Both Howard and Robin told him that there's no reason to stock up on stuff because the snow will be gone in a day or so. People are acting like it's the end of the world or something. Gary said he bought extra milk because the store might be out for a day or two. Howard and Robin goofed on him for a couple of minutes until Howard finally had to take a break.
Crazy Cabbie called in this morning to tell Howard that people don't know what winter is out here in New York. He's from Minnesota where they get real snow. Howard wondered when Cabbie's ''assgina'' episode will air on E!. Robin Radzinski came in and said that they won't approve it to air on E! so it ain't gonna happen. Howard said he should release it as a tape or something instead. Howard also brought up Cabbie's new tattoo which is a Chinese character that stands for strength emblazoned with fire. He said it actually looks pretty cool but he's got so many other tattoos that you'd hardly notice it.
Howard said he was reading the NY Times over the weekend. He said that there was an article about Andy Dick and Dick now just bad mouths Howard everywhere. After his last appearance he's been out bad mouthing Howard to everyone. Howard read bits and pieces of the article and talked about how Dick blames everyone else for his problems. Howard said he saw Andy's new show on MTV and it was funny but every skit was gay. He has guys doing stuff to him in most of the show.
Howard said he doesn't understand the whole walking out thing. He said everyone on the show wanted more money and they all managed to work it out without walking out on the show. For some reason he's the only one that can't work things out.
Phone callers said that they'll miss the Joke Man. Howard said he'll miss him too but he doesn't have to just walk out on the show like he's done so many times in the past. Howard said he's not going to do anything to try and get the guy back because it's not worth the trouble.
Howard said he found out Jackie wasn't coming back when he got an e-mail from him. The e-mail said that Jackie couldn't call Howard because it would be ''too weird''. They've worked together 15 years and that's what happens.
Tom Chiusano came in and said they've been working with Jackie since the beginning of the year and they just weren't going where Jackie wanted them to go. Howard said he knows what they were offering Jackie and any writer would be thrilled to get that kind of money. Howard pointed out that when Jackie goes out on strike it doesn't hurt the people he's trying to negotiate with, it hurts the show.
Robin suggested that they give the job to either Stuttering John or Benjy just to make Jackie feel like crap. John said that Tom would never give him that kind of money though. Tom once told him that he'd die before he'd give him a raise.
Howard moved on and changed The subject to movies. He said over the weekend he watched a movie called ''The Tao Of Steve''. He said it was actually very good even though it was a low budget film. Robin said she saw a few minutes of that movie in a theater and she had all kinds of problems with it. She didn't like the way it was shot and stuff like that. Howard said he was going to get Robin a copy so she could watch The whole thing.
Howard also brought up ''The Mexican'' which made $20 million at the box office this weekend. David Arquette's movie ''See Spot Run'' made $10 million. Stuttering John said his wife and kid went to see that one and they enjoyed it.
Robin told Howard that she saw ''Series 7'' and that was a great movie about a phony reality TV show where people have to kill other people.
Dominic Barbara called in and brought up a bunch of movies while Howard kept asking him about his pending divorce. Dominic said he doesn't talk about that subject, it's private. He did say that they're going to be fair with each other in the divorce. He wouldn't say whether or not they'll get back together at any point in the future. Howard said he thinks that Dominic is getting the divorce because he got a divorce. ''Monkey see, fat monkey do'' is the way he put it.
Howard said that they went to an Italian restaurant called Peasant. The menu was in Italian so the waitress had to read it to them. Howard wondered why they don't just print the thing in English.
Howard said that John couldn't take his eyes off of his date. Howard said when his date went to the bathroom John followed her. John's excuse was that he was drinking like a fish and he really had to go. Howard went on to talk about how much John drank and how little it showed. John had a Martini to ''take the edge off'' before he started drinking the beer.
Howard went on to talk about the whole night and every place they went. AFter dinner they decided to go to a club called Spa but there was no one there. They then decided to go to Mumba but there were no seats there so they went to the Hudson Hotel. Howard said they had a lounge there that was really nice so they hung out there for a while. Howard said that they only allow hot chicks in the lounge so there were quite a few there. Howard said that a couple of the hot chicks came up to him and asked if they could kiss him. Howard said his date wasn't so happy with that. Howard said he ended up leaving the place around midnight. Stuttering John said that he left a little while after that. He also said that if his wife stays out too long her breasts get hard because she's still breast feeding.
Mike came in and said that he couldn't believe he was on Howard's show. Robin was talking about how good looking the guy was and how she enjoyed seeing him with his shirt off when he was on the show. Howard said his hands didn't look all that bad even after being burned. Mike said that they are scarred a bit but they're healing up nicely. He said he can play basketball and hockey with no problem. Howard asked him how he stays in shape. Mike said that he's 39 and he has a 28 year old wife so he has to stay in shape.
Michael told Howard how he actually did fall into the fire on the show. Howard wondered why there was no footage of him falling into the fire. Michael said that they probably did have footage but they edited it out for airing it on TV. He said that he was trying to get the fire going in the camp and he'd thrown some leaves and grass on the smoldering embers that were in the fire pit. He was blowing on them when they started to smoke a lot. He said the wind changed direction and he inhaled some smoke. He stood up and felt dizzy. He was standing on the uphill section near the fire so when he passed out he fell directly into the fire. Luckily he was wearing a hat and sunglasses. That's what saved him from even worse burns. He said that he was told he was in the fire for 10-15 seconds before he crawled out. He said that he was still unconscious as he shook and crawled out of the fire pit. He said he had burns from his head to his toes. The worst burns were on the palms of his hands because he pushed himself up by sticking his hands directly into the middle of the fire. He managed to go into the water near the fire to cool down his hands but the skin was already peeling off. He said he felt his hands closing up for some reason so he had to fight to keep them open. He thought that if they closed they'd never open again.
Michael said that the skin peeled off right down to the nerves so it was extremely painful. Howard asked him what the pain was like on a scale of 1 to 10. He said it was a ten-plus. He never shed a tear though so Howard said that he's no pussy.
Howard also wondered what the inhaler stick was that they gave him as they were taking him out of the water. Michael said it was some kind of anesthesia he'd never heard of. He said he could feel the numbness going down to his hands after the first inhalation but it actually made the pain worse at first. AFter a couple more inhales he didn't feel much of anything though. He was so high that he thought he'd be going right back to the game after they wrapped up his hands. The next thing he knew he was flying out to the hospital. He spent the next 10 days in intensive care. He said he didn't know he was out of the game for a few days. He had to figure it out himself though.
Howard also wanted to know about the pig killing that Mike did. Howard thought that the pig was planted there just so the TV audience could see a killing. Mike explained that what Howard saw was only 30 seconds of a 2 hour hunt. The pig wasn't drugged like Howard thought and the thing actually knocked Mike down at one point.
Howard asked Mike if he's going to sue the show over his burns. Mike said that he's not the type of person who would sue over something like that and he couldn't have been treated any better than he was.
Howard has also read a lot of stories in the tabloids about Mike. Michael told Howard that they're not true though. Michael told Howard that they're very exaggerated.
Howard let a couple of phone callers ask questions. One guy asked if there was any banging going on in the camp. Michael said it was like a family there so there was nothing like that going on. He was also asked if he was pissed that he was off the show after the burn incident. Mike said he mourned for about a day. He said there was some talk of him going on the next season of Survivor but that's not a sure thing.
Howard asked Mike for a prediction on who might win this game. Mike said that he thinks someone from his tribe Kucha will win. He didn't give a single name though.
Michael also talked a little bit about his real job which is with Rhino Soft Interactive. He said they produce and package CD software. He also gave out their web site RhinoSoftInteractive.com. Gary came in and said that Michael had to get going because he was going to be late for Rosie O'Donnell's show. Howard said he had a million questions for him. He told him to come back sometime and thanked him for coming in.
King of all Blacks called in and asked Howard about the date he had on Saturday. He asked if it was just a date or if it was a girlfriend. Howard said it was a date with the woman he's seeing right now. So it's his girlfriend. King asked Howard how he could do that to his family. Howard pointed out that it's been 2 years (actually a year and 4 months) since the separation so it's not a bad thing. Howard asked King why he's not out collecting garbage today. King said he was out salting the roads last night so he doesn't have to collect garbage today. He then went on to tell Howard about how Lil' Kim never puts out her garbage. He collects in her neighborhood but she never has her garbage out so she must have it privately collected. Howard said he doesn't think he's got anything to hid himself so he never worried about having his garbage collected privately.
Howard was talking about this Senator Robert Byrd who used the ''N word'' on some TV show recently. He said that the excuses for him using the word are that he's 83 years old and he doesn't know any better. Since they were on the subject of politics Robin brought up how President Bush has gone to Camp David 4 times in the short 6 weeks he's been in office so far. Howard thinks they should nuke Camp David because there's no reason that he should be going there that often. Clinton hardly used the place during his term so Howard said Clinton could pardon Manson and he wouldn't be mad at him.
Howard had tape from the Miss USA 2001 Pageant where judge Daniel Baldwin asks one of the contestants a question that stumps her. Daniel asked her ''Is the media's need for controversy bad for sports?'' Howard didn't understand the question himself so it wasn't surprising that the girl didn't understand what Baldwin was talking about. Baldwin asked her another one about who her favorite female sports figure was. The woman said she doesn't follow sports so she couldn't really answer. Howard also had tape of co-host Tommy Davidson asking the girl what it felt like being up there not being able to answer the questions. She told him it was pretty tough and he goofed on her a little bit.
Howard said that sometimes his second phone line will ring and it will be a telemarketer that he doesn't want to talk to. He said he always tells them to go away but now there's a new law coming out where you'll be able to put your name and number on a list and the telemarketers won't be allowed to call you. Howard thinks that there should be a law that says no telemarketer should be allowed to call you unless you put your name on a list that says they can call.
Howard's buddy Ralph may be in love. He's out in Los Angeles staying with some chick that he met. Howard said he's never seen Ralph like this. Howard said he was talking to the chick when they were out in L.A. and Ralph came by and stole her away. Now he's out there hanging out with her. Ralph flew out there just to be with her. He had no other reason to go out.
Howard also brought up The Sopranos season premiere that he finally watched yesterday. He said that he enjoyed it even though his buddies Pat and Marco thought they were horrible. Howard said that the funniest part was the computer generated image they used on the mother's head. The woman who played the woman died last summer and they decided to create a phony one to continue the story line. Howard said it was frightening looking and the head seemed to float around.
Howard said that dating on the internet is ridiculous because everyone on there lies about what they look like. Howard told her that if you can't get a date in real life it's not going to happen on the web. Myreah went through her ideas anyway. She told Howard that you have to be honest and direct with the people you talk to. Howard and Robin both said that's the first rule everyone breaks. No one tells the truth on the web.
Myreah continued and told Howard that you should find out what your chat mate's interests are to see if you match up. She said you should also post a recent photo, something from the last 2 years or so. Howard said that doesn't work all the time either because you might get one amazing photo that doesn't look anything like you. Howard has had that happen to him before. He said Robin didn't recognize him when she first met him because the picture she'd seen didn't look like him.
Myreah said you should also write an essay about your life. No one wants to do that either.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who met his girlfriend on the web and he said things worked out and now they're living together. The guy said he lied about his age but it wasn't a big deal. Another guy called in and said he dated a couple of hot chicks that he met on the web. He had to bail on one relationship because the chick had a kid and she was in the middle of a divorce. He met another chick online but he hasn't met her in person yet. Another guy said the chick he met turned out to be a really fat chick who smelled like moth balls. He said she was 5 feet tall and 5 feet wide.
Howard told Myreah that he learned nothing from the call but he might have to read her book ''Date Like a Man'' to find out more. She's also got a web site at MatchMaker.com
Howard took one last call from a guy who said he met his Jamaican wife on the web while he was under house arrest. He told Howard how he tried to outrun the cops but ended up getting caught. He was then put under house arrest and ended up dating through the internet. He ended up meeting this woman and marrying her. Howard was amazed that anyone would even go to this guys house when they know he's under house arrest. The guy went on to tell Howard how he has multiple screen names so that he can pretend to be a chick to get on the other chick's good side. Then he'll go back in as a guy and try to pick up the same girls he knows a lot about. Robin said this is the guy who should write a book. He knows all of the tricks. Howard wants the guy to come down so he can meet his wife and see what the guy looks like.
Howard told Steven that he ran into his daughter Liv the other day and she was with her new fiance. Howard said the guy looks just like Steven. Howard thought that Liv was going to marry Joaquin Phoenix but that didn't work out. Howard thinks they're a little too young to get married. Liv is only 23 and Howard's not sure about the guy and what he's done so far.
Howard told Steven that he spoke to his ex-wife about the nude pictures she was trying to sell last year and he screamed at her about it. Steven didn't really seem to care much about the photos being available. He wasn't upset over the thing and it seemed to have gone away.
Howard asked the guys how they still make good music. Robin and Howard think they must have made a deal with the devil.
Howard asked Steven if the rumor about him grabbing Britney Spears ass was true. Steven said that it was a nice rumor but it's not true. Howard wondered if any of the Backstreet Boys grabbed their asses. They didn't of course.
The guys told Howard that Kid Rock will be presenting them with their Rock and Roll Hall of Fame sometime in the future. Howard was asking if he could present them with the award but they've already given Kid Rock the okay.
Howard asked if the two of these guys get along outside of the music. They said they do things outside of the music but Howard didn't believe it.
Howard asked the guys what cool things they've bought with their big money. They said they really haven't bought that much. They don't even own their own jets, they rent them. They said that some of their riches go to their ex-wives.
Howard wrapped things up pretty quickly and plugged the album and the single after he thanked the guys for calling in.
Howard asked Specter if he's ever been to Camp David because he wants to know what it's really like. Specter said in all the years he's been a Senator he's never been invited there. Howard asked him if he could somehow get in there to spy on them just to report back to Howard. Specter said he could probably get in if he dressed up like Howard and snuck in.
After talking to Specter Howard said he was a really interesting guy. Specter said that maybe next time there won't be a snow storm keeping him from coming in the studio.
Kauffman told Howard that the original 4 foot painting he did for him is valued at about $100,000. The smaller one he gave Howard is worth about $15,000. Howard asked if he could just give him the $15,000 instead. Howard said he doesn't like the picture he used to do the painting. The painting itself was good though.
Gary, who did a bit of Kauffman's speaking for him, told Howard that Kauffman once had the chance to sleep with Madonna but he decided not to after he got a whiff of her body odor.
Kauffman said that he's at the Jacob Javits Center unveiling a portrait of John Gotti that he did. There was some mention of a problem with the Hell's Angels but no details were given out.
Howard tried to give KC $500 right then but KC refused to take it. He hates to borrow money for some reason. Gary said that he asked KC to move some stuff for him the other day for $100 but KC was too busy stealing his car back. KC said he doesn't even have insurance on the car and he was driving it around to get it away from the garage before they charged him another month's parking fee.
Scott the Engineer came in and said that KC could work for him when he does his Rocket Entertainment DJ gigs. KC would have to carry around his equipment but he'll make $100 a night. KC said he could do that. Stuttering John said he did it for a short time when he wasn't making much money. We'll see what happens.
Howard brought up David Letterman and the thing he has with Les Moonves who's the head of CBS programming. Dave and Les are having some kind of feud or something and Howard wonders what that whole thing is about. He said that Dave's contract might be up in a couple of months and he might be walking out of his show or something.
Howard was also talking about why people seem to watch Jay Leno more than Dave. He said he's read that they do studies about it and they say that people enjoy Jay's 15 minute monolog because they feel they're getting a wrap up of the day's events.
Howard then went on to talk about reality TV and how popular it has become. He mentioned how ''Friends'' tried to combat ''Survivor'' by having their own bit of reality TV, bloopers. He said that it wasn't quite real enough to make it compelling enough for everyone to watch it. Robin said that actress Alison Janney has been complaining about the reality TV stuff because it's stealing jobs away from real actors. Howard thinks she must be nuts. He said that these reality TV stars are becoming stars though. They're recognized just as much as a famous actor would be.
Howard also said that the show will go on with or without Jackie. He said he liked Jackie and he's sorry they're not working together right now but the show must go on.
Howard said that they will use the money they were going to pay Jackie to pay comedians who want to ''Win Jackie's Money'' by doing voices and stuff like that.
This whole thing was brought up by a phone caller who eventually told Howard that he just had anal the other day. Howard then changed subjects and talked about his anal experience and how quick it happened. He said he never thought about it until he was in his 40's. With all of the porn stars coming in and talking about it Howard got to thinking. He said that he'd gone 40 years without it and figured he needed to try it. He said it wasn't that different than regular sex yet it was so wrong. Howard said that he's done it with 3 people he can think of and it's different with each one. (There were quite a few delay button hits during this so we missed some of it) Some of the discussion was hard to follow because of the delay hits that Andre was doing. Stuttering John came in and helped out with the conversation. KC also came in and brought up the girl he did who had a stomach virus at the time. She ended up making a mess out of him because of it.
Howard was also talking about his anal fissure and how he got that by scratching and poking his ass too much. It was an all anal discussion that led to more delay button hits than you can imagine.
Stuttering John also shared his experience with a virgin and how hard it was to ''break through''. He said it was so hard that he couldn't complete the act. Howard was never lucky enough to have a virgin. He said he'd love to take someone's virginity but he's never had the chance. Gary said he had a virgin but he didn't realize it until after he was done. Gary said it wasn't very good because his condom broke and he never finished with her. He said she was upset that she wasn't really a virgin anymore but she hadn't really had sex.
Howard also talked about how he had an orgasm while he was at Scores recently. He didn't have any physical contact, he was just so worked up by a lap dance that he went off. He said he took a sock and put it in his pants after it happened to sop it up. Robin then shared her stories about how she can orgasm just by seeing or hearing things that get her off. She said it's even happened in the studio while on the air.
When the two of them came in Howard said they were wearing just about nothing. Kylie was wearing a cut off t-shirt and hip hugger pants. Carmen was wearing a tight shirt and Howard said it looked like she had erasers in there. She was also wearing hip huggers. She told Howard that they're Frankie B special jeans. Howard said they were so tight that when they sat you could see ass crack. Howard was also very happy to see Kylie's stomach. He said that's the sexiest part of a woman's body.
Howard flip flopped questions between the two of them before getting to the lie detector test. Howard brought up the whole situation where Kylie says she wants to go out with Howard but she never works things out to do it. She explained that it's because Howard goes to bed so early and she can't go out to clubs with him. Howard thinks she really doesn't like him all that much.
Carmen was questioned about who she's dating but she was very reluctant to talk about it. She kept saying that she didn't want to jinx the relationship.
Kylie was asked about whether or not she's dating Tommy Lee. She said she's gone out with a group of people and Tommy has been there but he hasn't asked her out. She said she'd like him to do that but he hasn't yet. Howard wondered why someone would want to date a guy who has allegedly had an abusive relationship with two other women. Kylie said that you hope that perhaps it wasn't true or it wouldn't happen to you.
Howard sent Kylie off to the lie detector room so Ed Torian could do the questioning. While she was being prepared Howard spoke to Carmen. She talked about the movie ''Get Over It'' which both of them are starring in. She didn't know a whole lot about the movie though. She said she just had a cameo role in it so she didn't know all of the details. Howard still wanted to know about who she's dating now. He kept hounding her until she agreed to tell him if he could guess who he was. She said he was Latin and he used to be in a band. Howard and Gary went through a bunch of names before they finally figured out it was Dave Navarro. He used to be in the Red Hot Chili Peppers but now he's out on his own. Howard said that was very upsetting news. He must not think much of Navarro for some reason.
Kylie was finally ready to be questioned so Howard got back to that. Ed Torian, who has done this many times in the past, was there to ask the questions that Howard relayed to him. Howard asked things like:
Ed went on and said that She was lying about the fart questions. She told the truth on the anal sex thing. She lied when she said she thinks Howard is handsome. She told the truth on the wife question, the sex for money question and the vibrator question. She apparently lied about the sticky sheets though. And finally she did tell the truth about not having sex with a black man. Ed didn't go through each and every question, just the majority of them.
Howard said he's no longer going to call Kylie to go on a date with him. He knows the truth now. Carmen told Howard that she finds him attractive. Howard wanted to hook her up to the lie detector then but she said they didn't have enough time. She didn't want the truth to come out either. Howard took a couple of phone calls before wrapping up the interview. One guy brought up Marilyn Manson so apparently said that Dave Navarro once offered him oral sex. Carmen didn't know anything about it and she didn't seem to care.
Howard watched the Carmen-Kylie kiss one last time as he was ending the interview. It was obvious that Kylie was more into it than Carmen because she opened her mouth as she went in for the kiss. Howard had it in slow motion to get a better view.
You can get a hold of Ed Torian by calling 800-934-3241.
Gilbert came in with his head just about shaved down to nothing. Howard said he's the kind of guy that needs hair because his face is too big now.
Gilbert shot an episode of ''Son of the Beach'' and according to Howard it's his best performance ever. He said it's the funniest thing he's seen. Gilbert plays a Jewish lifeguard in the episode ''Chips Agoy''. Howard said he's got the Hasidic beard and he's wearing swim trunks and it's great. He said his legs don't even look human.
Gilbert told Howard that there was one day when it was really cold on the beach so everyone was covering up during breaks. When they'd get ready to shoot the girls would take off their blankets and jackets. The directors would then tell them that the pants they were wearing could be seen in the shot so they had to take them off. Gilbert said they did that to all of the girls so the guy, Roland, asked if he should do the same. The director says ''No, you're fine.''
Howard continued to tell Gilbert that this role is the best and that it might set the Jews back a thousand years. He then said that after watching it even he was offended by his own show.
Howard asked Gilbert if Jackie has been thrown off of Hollywood Squares now that he's not on the show anymore. Gilbert went on to tell Howard about this one show they shot where Jackie wasn't getting laughs from his jokes. He said that everyone had the audience rolling and then Jackie would tell a joke and there would be silence. He said it happened a couple of times. Gilbert said the audience was just about giving him a standing ovation and with Jackie they'd go silent. Then Jackie turns to Gilbert and says ''This audience sucks!''
A phone caller suggested to Howard that he get Tom to come in and have Gilbert sign a contract to replace Jackie. Gilbert said he could do that and come in every day and demand more money. Howard asked him if he has a web site he could plug incessantly. Gilbert said ''no'' so Howard told him he couldn't replace Jackie then.
Gilbert stuck around for the rest of the show to comment on some of the news stories that were brought up
Gilbert is appearing at Caroline's on Broadway this Thursday and Friday. You can get more info at Carolines.com
John continued to go through his daily routine starting early in the morning. He told Howard that he actually analyzes the weather himself. Howard wanted to hear if this guy has any pressure in his life. He couldn't make it through his whole day without interruptions though.They ended up talking about the guy's girlfriend instead. Howard was also taking phone calls from people who blamed the weather forecasters for making places close that didn't need to because of the storm.
KC said he took meteorology in college and it was pretty tough. He then went on to yell at this guy John about his weather forecast for tonight. He was still defending his forecasts but no one really wanted to hear it. Howard eventually got to talk to John's girlfriend for about a minute before he finally took a break.
Howard replayed some hilarious stuff from yesterday's show when Gilbert Gottfried was on. Robin had read a story about Kelsey Grammar and his wife and Howard mentioned how she has irritable bowel syndrome. Gilbert and Howard then goofed on the IBS for a couple of minutes while Fred played every fart sound effect he had in his library.
Howard spent some time talking to Henry about HBO's ''The Sopranos'' and how great the show is. Henry says that the show is very realistic and he thinks it's great.
A guy called in and said that Henry would swallow his tongue if he heard him on the phone. He said that he was Patty Testa but Henry didn't seem to care one bit about the guy.
Benjy came in and said that Henry's web site is the most assinine thing he's ever seen. He said that it's got ways to torture people, top ten ways to kill people and stuff like that. Henry said he gets a lot of fan mail and there are a lot of nuts out there in this world. Howard tried to get in the site but it was all clogged up with Stern fans. He was able to look at a little bit of it but it was slow. Howard wrapped up the call shortly after looking at it.
After Henry's call Howard got on the subject of awards shows and then his grandfathers. He spent a few minutes telling stories about them and how wacky they were. One of his grandfathers gave him a ring on his death bed and told Howard not to give it to a woman. Howard said he took the diamond out of the ring and had the gold melted down into a new ring. Everyone in the studio couldn't believe Howard actually did that. Howard said his mother told him he probably did the right thing even through his grandfather asked him not to ever give it to a woman.
Howard said he really doesn't have anything bad to say about Jackie's work ethic but this may be a professional blunder on his part. Jackie was with Howard for 15 years but good things must come to an end. He said the show is going to go on just like it did when Billy West left. He said they've even tried to call Billy back to see if he wants to come back on the show. Billy left because he couldn't get money and now they have Jackie's money to give him. Howard said Gary tried calling Billy but he got his wife instead. She told Gary that Billy only moves forward in his career so he wouldn't step back to the show. Howard said he just wanted to talk to Billy and she wasn't making it easy.Howard also said that he might ask Gilbert Gottfried to come in as a regular one day a week. He hates thinking about calling him off the air though because it's so awkward to talk to him.
Jay told Howard that if he admits to growing the stuff to deal he'd get 6 months in jail. If he's convicted of dealing in a trial he'd get 30 years. He's going to try and fight it! Howard told him he should just take the 6 months and end it. Why risk the 30 year sentence? A listener called in who said he was caught with 38 pounds of pot and he just took the 6 months. He also tried to convince Jay to do it. Jay didn't want to hear any of it. He said it's already legal to smoke pot in Virginia if you have glaucoma or cancer so why not make it legal for other stuff. Howard told Jay that he's got a dopey attitude and eventually gave up on trying to talk to him.
Howard also mentioned that Kylie lied about not dating Tommy Lee because he overheard her telling Robin that she actually is going out with him.
Howard saw that Donald Trump is still with is girlfriend Melania Knause. He said he's surprised that it's lasted as long as it has.
Howard read an article about the recent school shootings out in California. The writer talks about how so many kids are being picked on in school and that no one does anything about it. Howard agreed and said that teachers just ignore it when kids are getting beaten up and goofed on. He had that problem when he was in school and kids are just going over the edge now. He said the article wasn't giving an excuse for the shooter but there should be something done about the kids who are causing the problems.
MSNBC did a profile of Howard the other day and his 8 year old daughter saw it with her mom. Howard said she came up to him and asked why his father called him a moron. Howard explained to Ashley that he was probably raised that way by his father and he raised him like that. Howard also told her that he didn't like being treated like that so he would never treat his kids like that. He also told her that her grandfather isn't a bad guy and he loves her very much.
This guy William called in and asked Howard to give him $250 so he could stuff his dog. Howard didn't do it of course. That got Howard talking about cloning and how someday it'll be a good thing but right now it's not working. He thinks that someday they'll be able to clone body parts to help cure people who are sick.
Howard also talked a little bit about Ted Turner who recently made some comments about his employees who were walking around CNN with ashes on their foreheads on Ash Wednesday. The comments he made were offensive to some religious freaks but Howard thinks that Ted had the right to say what he said. Who cares if he doesn't get the whole ash thing?
Howard told a story about a guy who got out of prison in Milwaukee. He vanished shortly after getting out of prison and wasn't found for a couple of months. When they found him he was dead and stuck in a factory chimney. His family thinks that there was foul play involved and he was shoved down the chimney. Law enforcement thinks he was trying to rob the factory and slipped down the chimney. Howard said this is the kind of thing where the family will try to sue to have chimney's more escapable because the guy died trying to climb in it.
Howard was also curious how KC met this guy. KC explained that they had a mutual friend and KC heard this guy talking with the cancer kazoo so he wanted to meet him. Now they're buddies.
Howard also wanted to know if a cancer kazoo guy can get laid. Rock told Howard that he tried to get laid the other night. The cancer kazoo is hard to understand but it sounded like he said he actually got laid by a 23 year old chick. He said that she wasn't fat either.
A couple of people called in and told Howard there's no way that this guy got cancer from one exposure to asbestos. They say it takes 20-40 years of exposure to get cancer. One woman said one of her family members got it because he was a mechanic who was exposed to brake dust that had asbestos in it. That took a long time to affect him though.
Howard said he had a lot of questions for Rock but he didn't want him to use up his battery so he wrapped things up and sent him on his way.
Howard went through more tabloid stories and talked about some of them also. He mentioned Alicia Class and her claims that she's dating Bruce Willis. She says that he doesn't want his fans to know he's dating a porn star. Howard said she's really hot and he wonders why she's a porn star.
Howard saw pictures of Goldie Hawn in one of the tabloids and they had a picture that shows her with massive amounts of cellulite on her legs. Robin saw the picture and said ''that can't be real!''
Suzanne Somers was in one of the tabloids coming out of a liposuction clinic. Howard said that now they have to book her to come back on the show. He wants to find out if that's true. He had his suspicions about how she stayed in shape and this might explain it.
Howard also read a quick article about George W. Bush's daughter Jenna who is turning out to be a wild child. She was almost arrested at some party where there was underage drinking going on.
Rosie O'Donnell and her ''new love'' were in one article Howard read. Howard said everyone feels free to call Rosie gay and he's not sure she has admitted it. Howard said it seems like they're dragging her out of the closet. Howard and Robin discussed if and how lesbians get off. Howard asked Robin if it's possible to get off when someone just uses their hand on her. She said it's not as good as when some guy is actually using his unit on her because her area is throbbing for something that's not there. A lesbian called in to tell Howard what actually goes on. Howard asked if they use vibrators. She said that they're not looking for a penis replacement so that doesn't usually happen. The lesbian told Howard that they do something called a scissor-grind where they rub together. They do that and kiss and stuff like that and finish up with fingers. She said sometimes there is a ''completion problem'' but that happens with a guy sometimes too. She said that you get tired doing that and you just have to give up. She did tell Robin that she sometimes craves a penis though. Robin was trying to make that point earlier. The lesbian also told Howard that size doesn't matter because a study was done that says only the first 3.5 inches inside the vagina have sensitivity. Howard continued to read about Rosie after the call. More people then called in and told Howard about the 3.5 inches thing and said it's true. One person, a guy pretending to be a woman, mentioned a web site to Howard during it's call. Howard then got off the subject of Rosie and on to web sites.
Howard said he used to go on these sites where there are women on camera and you tell them what to do. Howard said after a while he realized that the women don't listen and it must be some kind of video tape. Howard also brought up chat rooms and some of the experiences he's had in them. Howard said he knows that guys always pretend to be chicks but he can usually figure it out. Robin asked him what he'd do if a guy ever got him off. Howard said he could figure it out before it happened. Gary reminded Howard that Scott DePace from E! once sat on a transvestite's lap in a bar and he didn't realize it. Scott said he kissed her/him on the cheek but that was it. He didn't find out it was a guy until the next day and he was kind of angry. Scott said he didn't pleasure himself that night but he did have his/her number. Howard said he'd love to know the true story but Scott said it was the true story. Scott then said he couldn't even remember that night so it's possible he did something to himself. Stuttering John mentioned that Scott had a son recently and if you even mention something about the kid possibly doing something gay he freaks out. He doesn't want his kid to be gay and he's going to do everything possible to keep it from happening.
Ralph called in and said that Scott once called him and asked him what his favorite color was. He was trying to find out what color a gay guy likes so he asked Ralph.
Neil said that he got the idea from Major Doody who was on the show a year ago. He put on rubber gloves and picked up the first bag. He had a magnifying glass and tweezers to go through the doody to find hair. He put it on a plate, looked through it and guessed that it was a beagle. It turned out it was a poodle. Neil then said that he can only guess between the 12 breeds he works with. Howard gave him a break and yelled at KC for not getting this booking right. Neil had told them his rules and KC ignored them. They had 3 bags left that fit Neil's criteria so they used them instead. Neil explained that he looks at diameter, texture and the hair in the doody to make his guesses. He looked at the second bag and dumped it on the plate. He found hairs in that one and said it was a Rottweiler. He was right so Howard plugged his business web site DoodyDude.com. Neil then went through another bag and got that one right when he said it was a labrador retriever. That poop was like soup according to everyone who was gagging in the studio. The final bag was a little tougher. He didn't get it right. He narrowed it down between a beagle and a chihuahua. He guessed beagle and got it wrong. Howard didn't think it was right to make him eat the doody so he let the guy off the hook. Earlier in the segment Neil had told Howard that he took antibiotics just in case he had to eat the doody but he could still get hepatitis A and die if the doody was infected. Howard was grossed out enough so he let the guy go. You can get in touch with Doody Dude at DoodyDude.com or call 1-866-888-POOP.
Howard got Mike Walker on the phone and moved on to the game. Here's what happens...Each week Mike Walker, author of ''Malicious Intent'', calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. You can win money there also. Here are this week's stories:
Howard continued his interview with Katie after the game. She told Howard how she met Hef and how she was photographed for the magazine a couple of times before she actually made it in. She also told Howard how she got her implants at the age of 17 as a graduation present. She actually got them while she was still in high school but she was able to keep them hidden pretty well. She said the doctor said when they cut her open she didn't even bleed for some reason. Now she's a D-cup.
Katie told Howard that she always told her mother that she wanted bigger breasts from the age of 15. She said she's very happy with them and her body is more in proportion now that they're huge.
Howard looked at her pictures and said it looked like she dyed her pubic hair. She said that the Playboy people actually did that for her. They wanted it to be a little less dark so the makeup person dabbed dye on it with a Q-tip.
One of the pictures in Playboy is of her sitting on Steven Spielberg's lap. She told Howard that she was on the set of a movie as an extra and she asked to have her picture take with him. He agreed and she had the shot taken. She's in a see-through outfit sitting on his knee. Howard and Robin said he probably never thought it would show up in Playboy.
Howard went on to ask Katie about the Hefner stuff. She was one of Hef's 7 ''girlfriends'' and Howard heard that's all hype. She said that she never had sex with him but she's not sure about the other girls. She said she loved Hef but it was a ''different kind of love'' that she couldn't really explain.
Howard tried to find out about how a guy can get a girl like this. She's dating a 37 year old guy now who owns a recording studio. She told Howard it took about a month of dating before he got in her pants. She said it all depends on the guy how long it takes. She said she lost her virginity at the age of 16... pre-implant. She said she doesn't like it when guys play with her breasts now because of the implants. She said they don't hurt but she feels awkward when they do it.
Howard read that Katie was on the boys wrestling team when she was in high school. She said she used to beat some guys and they never took it lightly. Howard thought that they must have been turned on wrestling a chick but she said they were ready to kick her ass.
Katie told Howard that she was once handcuffed while having sex with a guy and she liked it. She said it was cool until the guy refused to take the cuffs off after he'd finished. She said she really likes when guys bite her neck or nibble her ears. She also said she's never had anal sex for those of you who were wondering.
Rob said he's now shopping the movie around to other studios to see if he can get it released. He said they only spent $7 million on the movie so it was done relatively cheap. Howard asked if perhaps Rob's friends didn't want to tell him the movie was bad and that's what's going on. Rob said he didn't show his friends because he wanted a true reaction to it. He said that the test screening audience either loved it or hated it which is what he wanted. He said none of them were on the fence and that makes him happy.
Robin said one other movie that wasn't released was ''Henry, Portrait of a Serial Killer'' and that turned out to be a great one. Howard told Rob that he should bring the movie to New York so he and Robin can see it and give a real opinion. Howard said he'd tell him what he really thinks.
Rob said he knew there would be a problem with Universal from the beginning because they're such a family oriented studio. Robin told him that ''Hannibal'' was a Universal release though. He said that one report said that when it's Anthony Hopkins eating a brain it's okay because he's a recognizable celebrity. When Rob does it, it's not okay because he's an unknown.
After the phone call Howard said he can't imagine what it must have been like for Rob to get negative feedback on his film. Howard said people kissed his ass like crazy after his test screening and he knows how great that felt.
Grillo said that he couldn't get any sleep last night because he was so nervous to come in the studio today. He says that he's really glad he left the show because he's happy now. When he was working for the show he wasn't getting paid and he was miserable. He told Howard when he heard John telling the story about Tom telling him he would die before he'd give him a raise, he got sick to his stomach. He said John needs more money and he deserves it for the amount of work he does.
Grillo also said he was a little upset after he left the show and found out that KC and Benjy were hired with full salaries when he put in 5 years with no pay.
Grillo is now doing many jobs. He's a bartender, a waiter, a wrestling coach and an actor. As a matter of fact he'll be on this Sunday's episode of ''The Sopranos''. He plays a guy that gets beaten up by some kids. He also said ''don't blink'' while you're watching it because you'll probably miss it. He also does some stand-in work for 16 year old Anthony Jr. on the show. He said he makes good money bartending and doing the acting thing. He only gets extra parts and bit parts so it's not paying him big time.
A couple of callers told Grillo he's an idiot. Then one guy said that Grillo is a horrible bartender. Grillo said he's not but the guy said he doesn't know what's in certain drinks. That's when Grillo said that ''bartending is not about knowing drinks''. Oh boy, here we go. Howard wondered what the hell he was talking about. Grillo said that you need to have a good personality and how to count the money to be a bartender. You don't need to know the drinks, you just ask the people ''What's in that?'' He said he's made a good living doing that for 3 years. He told Howard he can bring in $200-$400 a night as a bartender.
Grillo said he's still recognized from being on the show but it's usually from when they shaved his head on the E! show. Grillo said that was the worst day of his life and that's what everyone remembers. As Howard was wrapping up the segment he and Fred started doing their best Steve Grillo impressions. All you have to replace your Ss with Zs and you've got it.