Howard said that Ron is writing a book about all of the suicide attempts he's had. He told Howard about one attempt where he tried to run in front of a train but ended up hitting the side of it instead. He ended up rolling down a hill instead.
Howard was also feeling kind of depressed this morning. He said he was talking to a ''friend'' this morning when he woke up about how miserable he is too. He told Robin how hard it is with his kids being out on Long Island and how tough it is to leave them. Howard said it's just a hard time and divorce is a hard thing on him.
Howard got back to Ron and his miserable life after complaining about his life. One phone caller suggested that Ron kill himself on the air to raise Howard's ratings.
Howard also had an article about Robin that said she was solo in some club called Session 73 listening to some keyboardist. Robin said she's been there but never alone so the article was false. Howard then got back to Ron again.
Howard wanted to know more about the suicide-by-train attempt. It turns out the attempt happened when he was only 11 years old. He said his quality of life was just horrible and he wanted it to end. He had bad acne to begin with. He said he was one of the first people to volunteer to try medication to get rid of it but he ended up having a bad reaction to it and had to be rushed to a burn unit because the skin was peeling off his face. He said he tried to run in front of the train but ended up just bouncing off the side and breaking some ribs and banging himself up instead. Someone found him and sent him to the hospital. Ron said his acne was really bad when he was a kid and people were actually scared of him. He claims that he only had one friend and he didn't even want to be friends with him.
Ron went on to tell Howard and Robin about all of the trouble he used to get in as a kid also. He was using drugs and all of that kind of crap. He says that he tried to commit suicide seriously about 6 times. It'll all be in his book if and when he completes it.
By 6:40am Ron had ordered up a 6-pack of Miller Lite. He said he was a little uptight about being there so he needed to relax. Ron said he had some before he came in also. Howard said he smelled like pot too but he said he hadn't smoked since Saturday night. He's sounding more and more like a good replacement for Jackie.
Howard asked the guy who won, Michael, if he can get laid dancing at these clubs. He said there's tons of opportunity but he wound't say if he does get laid. Steve said it's club policy that they're not supposed to date the women.
KC said the women at the club are worse than guys at strip clubs. He said they get very grabby. Steve said it's up to the dancers to keep the women from touching them. Howard said on the tape about 1/3 of the women are really hot and 1/3 are pretty good looking. The other 1/3 are fat chicks.
KC said he didn't get any numbers from the women because he's got a girlfriend already. The opportunity was there though.
KC said that he gambled away some of the money already. He said he had some bills to pay but after they were done he went to the OTB and gambled.
After all of that Howard took a break. After the break Ron brought up the movie ''Get Carter'' which he said wasn't horrible but it wasn't that good. He wondered why all of these movies are using a Bill Gates type as the evil person. He said movies like ''Charlie's Angels'' also used a Gates type in that movie as the bad guy. Howard said he saw ''Meet the Parents'' over the weekend and he wasn't impressed with it. He got sidetracked when Gary came in and said that Tom Chiusano told him that they have to take away Ron's beer. It's against company policy to drink in the studio. Tom eventually came down and argued about it with Howard for a few minutes. As Tom was starting to talk to Howard, Stuttering John was doing bunny ears behind Tom's head. He kept doing it until Tom turned around and smacked him in the head! John finally left after that. Howard tried to resist taking away Ron's beer as long as he could. By the time the argument was over Ron was done with his beer.
Ron became the subject of discussion when he told Howard that he had 5 hernia operations. He said that he hasn't had sex in about a year and a half because of the operations. He said he can sometimes check himself to see if the equipment is working but he hasn't had a woman in over a year and a half. Ron said he lost sensation down there as a result of the operations. He's got Viagra but he hasn't tried that yet. Robin asked him if he ever gets morning wood. Ron said he does but the sensation just isn't what it used to be. He said he just doesn't have much desire anymore. Howard said he's full of crap because he got an e-mail from him the other day and he was talking about Marisa Tomei and how he'd like to get her.
Dave told Howard that he's going on tour starting this weekend and he'll be in Cleveland, St. Louis and Texas starting this weekend. He also said he's going to be doing a movie with Eddie Griffin called ''Undercover Brother'' sometime in the near future. Howard commented on how the doors have opened for black comedy teams for some reason lately. Dave figures it was ''Scary Movie'' and the Wayans brothers who opened the door for all of the other black comedians to do movies lately.
Howard ended up telling a story about going to the restaurant Nobu the other day and having autograph seekers bothering him when he goes to the bathroom. A couple of guys followed him into the bathroom when he went to pee and wanted to shake his hand as he walked out of the stall he was in. Howard was disgusted so he just washed his hands and walked out. Howard also talked about the professional autograph seekers who stand outside of the restaurant waiting to get his autograph. He said the guy he spoke to had a trunk full of celebrity pictures and wanted Howard to sign a bunch of stuff. Dave warned him that sometimes when they have you sign the blank paper they scan it into their computers and print them on other pictures.
Dave said that he's sometimes mistaken for other black comedians like Chris Rock and Chris Tucker. He said when people ask him to sign it and they think he's Chris Rock, he'll actually sign it ''Chris Rock'' so the people aren't let down.
Howard read an article about Jennifer Lopez and what a pain in the ass she's become lately. After reading it he said he hopes Dave never goes in that direction. Dave said he never will.
Howard brought up Benjy once again and said that he blames him for screwing up the pre-interview. Dave said he doesn't like that pre-interview stuff, he just likes to roll with it as the show goes on. Gary came in and defended Benjy saying that he had the same problem the last time Dave was on. Benjy tried bringing up a couple of the things he interviewed him about and Dave talked about them quickly but that's not what he really wanted to do. Benjy said he hates doing pre-interviews and he thinks that Dave is really funny. Howard used to hate the pre-interviews himself but he's trying to make the show a little more professional.
Howard said the guy looks a lot different than he did on the show. He also said that a lot of people think Jeff is gay. He asked him if that's true or not. Howard said that he read that Jeff was a cheerleader in college too. Jeff said he doesn't want to say one way or the other if he's gay or not. Howard and the crew think that means that he might be gay but Jeff said that he's got a bunch of gay friends and he doesn't want people to think that he's discounting their lifestyle.
Howard said he heard that someone on the show admitted that they were gay but the producers cut it out of the show so it wouldn't be another Richard Hatch-like show. Jeff said he knows nothing about anyone doing something like that. Stuttering John came in and told Jeff that if someone's not gay when they're asked if they are, they say ''no'' right away. Jeff told him that's not necessarily true.
Jeff told Howard that he rolled around with Alicia on the show. So maybe he's not gay. Howard brought up how Alicia had the sore on her lip at the beginning of the show and it looked like it was herpes or something like that. Jeff told Howard that she was actually bitten by an ant when they got to their camp.
Howard thinks that Jeff getting off has now doomed his team to being voted off. Jeff said that might not be true. He wouldn't say whether or not he knows the winner of the game but he does stay in touch with a lot of the cast. He said he didn't get pissed off at anyone on the show because he knows it was just a game.
Jeff said he doesn't know why he was chosen for the show. He said all he did was submit a tape of himself just talking about who he is and he got the call. He brought along a coloring book as his luxury item which Howard said set off his gaydar. Jeff explained that he does work with children's charities and he wanted everyone on the show to sign the coloring book to be auctioned off.
Jeff bragged that he was the one who probably moved his bowels more than anyone else. He was there 21 days and crapped about 18 times. He said his team used unrolled tampons as toilet paper.
Howard asked him if he ever saw any crocodiles while they were there. Jeff said he saw about 3 and one morning they saw a croc-slide imprint right in front of their camp.
Jeff said he wasn't planning on turning this into a fame thing but he has gotten a few phone calls about some jobs he might be interested in. Right now he's working for an online trading company.
Howard also heard that the host Jeff Probst had a crush on Jerri while they were there. Jeff says that he can't imagine that would be true because Jerri was such a bitch.
Howard took a couple of phone calls as he was wrapping up the interview. A couple of callers called Dave Chappelle gay and some other names. Others said that Jeff was gay. There were no decent calls for Jeff at all. Howard ended up asking him if he ever masturbated while he was there. Jeff said he did it one day just so he could say that he did it in the woods. He said it took him about 15 minutes to get it up but he did it. He said he didn't care if anyone saw him doing it either. He also said that he knows that there were other guys who did the same thing. Some of them were seen by security guards who were hidden in the woods.
Howard thought that he'd have Ron roll around with her on the bed they had set up in the studio but Ron didn't want to do it. He said that they didn't get along too well.
Heather told Howard that she hasn't tried to get into porn yet but she'd like to get a deal with Wicked Pictures. She wants to do soft-core porn.
Howard said he checked out her web site over the weekend and it was actually pretty good. He described some of the stuff she has on there and said it was put together very well. Heather says she designed it herself.
Since Ron didn't want to play along in the bed Howard had Benjy come in. Howard tried to direct Heather in a scene but she didn't follow direction very well. He was trying to set up the scene like she was calling a TV repairman to come over to seduce him. She made it very hard but eventually Benjy, the TV repairman, came in and got seduced by Heather. Howard said she actually did it very well. He liked the way she did the scene even though she didn't listen very well. Benjy was enjoying it also. He told Robin to shut up at one point so he could continue to do the scene with her. Heather said she felt a wet spot on Benjy at one point so she wanted to stop. Howard thinks he must have ''finished'' early.
Ron said that he was ready to vomit watching them do this mess. Howard eventually put a stop to it and tried to end the segment. Heather said she wanted to give Howard a lap dance though. He allowed her to go over to him and dance for him for a minute. She was rubbing her ass in his lap and he sounded like he enjoyed it. Heather said she dances at the Cabaret Royale in Dallas, Texas.
Ray Liotta was supposed to be on the show today but he canceled and re-booked for tomorrow's show. Howard thinks he got cold feet and backed out but then changed his mind and booked for tomorrow. Howard said he doesn't want any phone calls though.
Howard mentioned that Tim Stack will be calling in later this morning. He's promoting the new season of ''Son of the Beach'' which starts tonight at 10pm on the FX cable channel. Robin didn't know that it was tonight that it started up. Howard said tonight's episode is ''BJ Blue Hawaii''. He gets them all confused and thought that Gary was in this one but he was mistaken. Robin read an article that said there are more juvenile jokes in this episode than you can imagine.
Howard said he was happy to read that Steven Seagal has lost weight for his latest movie. He says that he's a big fan of Seagal's and he's looking forward to seeing this new movie. He said they also made him lose his ponytail for the movie.
Doug brought up the affiliate fees that come in from the stations that broadcast his show too. Howard said he gets less than half of what they pay and if you add them all up they don't come up to $31 million. Howard told Doug that he's probably off on Rosie O'Donnell. They say that she makes about $25 million but Howard thinks she makes more than that. Howard said they're probably right about Regis Philbin making about $35 million though.
After getting off the phone with Doug Gary came in and said that Stuttering John says none of the listeners are buying his story. They all think he is making the $31 million. Howard said he really isn't. He later told Gary that his accountant says that he spends the least amount of money than anyone he knows. Howard said he doesn't know what people spent their money on. He only spends it on his apartment, food and travel. Other than that he doesn't know how to spend it.
Cabbie's excuse was that he was sick of hearing the same old music over and over again so he took it upon himself to change that. He played a Pantera song and changed one of the Led Zeppelin songs that he was supposed to play. The program director then fired him. Cabbie cleared out his locker and was ready to leave when they came back to him and said they'd give him a second chance.
Howard can't understand why he'd risk his job over such a dopey thing. Cabbie just kept saying that he loves music and that's what the fans really want to hear. Howard said that he really is crazy. Howard eventually played a Pantera song to see what Cabbie just had to have everyone hear. He only played a few seconds of it before he moved on to play the Led Zeppelin song. Neither of them impressed him. You can send hate mail to Crazy Cabbie at CrazyCab@hotmail.com
Howard spoke to each one and asked them questions to figure out which one it was. He figured out who it was early on but still asked the questions. Here are the women and some of the highlights of the questioning:
Charbella was the guy's real name after all of that. She says that she would like to have a woman finish her off at some point. She said she'd like a woman to lick her to climax.
Howard spoke to the women that were playing along. Howard said he knew that number 1 and 4 were real women. One was a stand-up comedian and the other was a hairdresser. Number 2, Amy, said that she works at the Moonlight Bunny Ranch as a whore. Howard spent some time asking her about that job and how much she gets paid. Gary, who asked her if she was ever a man, wanted to know how much she charges. He pretended to be a customer and asked her how much it would be for 15 minutes of just screwing her. She agreed to take $300 for it but just because it was him. Usually she charges more.
Char ended up taking down her pants and showed her ''vagina'' which must have been pretty scary looking because Gary was yelling out ''OH!'' as he caught sight of it.
Howard said that Char looked like a guy with his clothes off. He said he was able to tell he was the tranny because he's got a big head. She's also got very tight, big, fake breasts that looked like they didn't belong.
Howard gave the other three women prizes of watches from Steven Singer Jewelers.
Howard then tried to question her about the Bruce Willis thing. It was like pulling teeth. She said she didn't want to talk about it. She just wanted to plug this movie ''Center of the World'' that she's in. Howard kept hounding her and eventually got some info out of her but it wasn't much. She said that she met him at some bar a couple of years ago and he was kind of rude to her. Then she was doing a Playboy shoot and one of the producers said that Bruce wanted to apologize to her for being rude years before. They hooked up and went out together. Howard asked her how long it took for him to get her in bed. She swore on her grandmother's life that it took a month and a half for him to get that far. She then pretty much shut her mouth and didn't say much more. Howard thinks that if he does actually date her he probably wears a mask. She didn't think that was funny and said he knows nothing about the situation.
The movie ''Center of the World'' opens on April 20th. You can find out more at Center-of-the-World.com
Tim was also baffled by the best comedy actor nominations which included Ray Romano, Kelsey Grammer and David Letterman. How Letterman made it in that group is baffling. So the show is nominated for nothing but it's still funny. Howard said it's the most successful show on FX. Tim said the shows just keep getting better and better and the women get hotter and hotter.
The first thing they had Fred think was that he was in a love triangle with Howard and Robin. Paul did his hocus pocus and brought him out by saying ''Eyes open, wide awake, wakie, wakie...'' as he's done many times in the past. Howard then went on to tell Fred that he was sleeping with Robin at the same time as he was. Fred told Howard that he has been seeing her since 1981 or so since they met. Howard said he was also sleeping with her and they argued about it for a couple of minutes.
Howard then had Paul put Fred under again. This time they had Fred take on the personality of Jackie. Paul told Fred that he would take on both physical and psychological characteristics of Jackie that he remembers. ''Eyes open, wide awake, wakie, wakie'' Paul said as he brought him out. Fred then went on to do an impression of Jackie that he's never done before. He wasn't as hyper as usual and he actually had discussions as if he was Jackie. Howard and Robin asked him why he left the show and stuff like that. Howard said he was even taking on the facial characteristics that Jackie has. ''Jackie'' said that now that he's not on the show he's going to go around and dust individual houses. Howard had him sing a little bit of his ''Pot Song'' but ''Jackie'' said he forgot the words because he's so old. Fred started laughing at himself sometimes.
Howard had Paul put him under again so they could try something else. They talked about it and settled on having him become Robin. Paul did his thing again and out he came as Robin. He took on the Robin accent and spoke to Howard for a short time. He got confused when he saw the real Robin so Howard told him it was a Robin impersonator.
Howard then had Paul make Fred become Howard. As soon as Fred came out of it he turned his back on Howard and looked at Robin. He tried to ignore Howard, who was supposed to be Fred, but he didn't have control of the microphone. He kept telling ''Fred'' to turn off his mike so he could have Robin do the news.
Howard took some phone calls and people told him it was a really funny bit. A few people don't believe in it but it really was funny. Ralph called in and said it was funny and suggested that Fred become Stuttering John. They did that quickly but there wasn't much material. It sounded like replays of a bunch of ''Best Of'' shows with the arguments they had.
Fred then became Gary for a short time. Once again, it sounded like old shows being replayed. Paul then turned Fred into a Martian. He spoke in babble that no one could understand. He was able to sing a little bit in english though. The only words you could understand were ''I can't believe I am what I am''. He said he has sex through his ear on Mars.
Next up was Crazy Cabbie. Fred became Cabbie for a short time and did a pretty good impression of him as they talked about his tattoos and stuff like that.
Howard was done with Fred so they took him out of the hypnosis. Fred said it was a great feeling and he really wasn't just ''acting''. He didn't have time to get into more detail.
Someone asked Paul if he ever hypnotizes celebrities. Paul said he actually does hypnotize some celebs. He said a few months ago he hypnotized Darryl Hannah so that she wouldn't have stage fright. He said it worked for her. He didn't mention any other celebrity names though. Even if you don't believe in the hypnosis thing, the segment was funny.
Howard had a woman on the phone who claims she went out with Ron back in 1997. When she told Ron that she was married with a kid he bummed out and broke up with her. The woman now claims she's divorced and wants to go out with him again. She described the evening and what Ron looks like. Ron wasn't quite remembering the night but that wasn't discouraging him. She said at the end of the evening he asked her if she wanted to go to a matinee. Ron said he meant sex. She told Howard she was 5'6'' tall and weighed 140 pounds. That was the wrong description for Howard to hear. She said she's been under a lot of stress lately because of her separation, that explains the weight gain. Ron still wanted her number of course. Unfortunately she's not in the New York area. Ron usually lives out in L.A. So he'll be able to hook up with her when he goes home.
A lot of people want Jackie's job. Beetlejuice has been calling and leaving answering machine messages asking for the job. He just rambles on and on about how he could take over. He rattles off numbers for no reason. Howard played the tapes of the calls and beetlejuice is totally f'd up in them.
Andy the bagpipe player called in for some reason this morning. Howard said he always goofs on bagpipes and thinks they're funny sounding. The guy wanted to play a song for Howard but he only wanted a few seconds of a song, not the full song. Howard told the guy he'd hang up on him if he got bored with it. Howard asked the guy if he can get laid playing the bagpipes. The guy said that girls love it and laughed like a dork. The guy had to blow up his bags so it took a minute to get started. He finally started playing but Howard wasn't sure if it was a song or not. Robin recognized one part and said it was ''Oh Danny Boy''. Howard said it sounds like a cat getting run over. After the guy finally stopped Howard wanted to know if he could spell bagpipes. He did it so Howard asked him more about getting chicks. Andy said he hopes chicks come up to him so he can get married and pay the bills. He still lives at home and claims that he makes up to $1000 a night playing the thing.
Morton Downey Jr. was brought up again this morning. Howard said that a lot of people have written nice articles about Downey since his death and they bring up Howard's name often. He said he doesn't know how he got lumped in with him though. Howard said they always forget to tell people about the bizarre stuff the guy did like painting a swastika on his own forehead and claiming he was beat up when he wasn't. Howard said the guy wasn't a bad guy but he was wacky.
This guy Reggie called in this morning to play tape of David Hasselhoff for Howard. Hasselhoff is in ''Jekyll and Hyde'' on Broadway and he had a pay-per-view special featuring the musical. Reggie was one of the few who ordered it. He said that he was ripped off. He said it was horrible and he laughed his ass off during it. Howard thinks that it couldn't have gotten more than 100 subscribers. Vinnie Favale from CBS said he could track down the numbers for Howard. Gary said that the lowest rated pay-per-view was Jessica Hahn's ''Metal and Mud'' special from years ago. Gary said it got like one tenth of a percent of total households with cable.
Reggie played some of the tape for Howard and everyone laughed at it. Hasselhoff's singing was pretty bad and his acting wasn't much better. Reggie said he's worse than William Shatner.
Gary brought Ray in while Croy was still in the studio and Howard said he looked frightened by her. Croy asked Ray quite a few strange questions about whether or not he's ever met Robert DeNiro. Ray said he knows him so Croy asked if he's ever had champagne with him. Ray told her he hasn't. Howard tried to take back the interview from Croy so he asked questions about the movie ''Hannibal''. Ray loses his head in the movie. Howard said that he wasn't that thrilled with the movie but he also said that Hannibal eating Ray's brains saved the movie.
Ray refused to let Howard take any phone calls today so there were none. Howard spent some time talking to Ray about his wife and the woman he dated who was in a wheelchair. Ray told Howard how he was set up with the wheelchair woman and some of the details about what they did. Howard figured it must have been pretty tough to have sex with her. Ray didn't give many details about that though. Howard told Ray that Hannibal was nothing compared to Croy. She kept interrupting with wacky questions and Ray said he was actually scared of her. Ray didn't have long to talk to Howard so the interview was over in about 20 minutes. Ray is in a couple of new movies that will be out later this month into April. He's in ''Heartbreaker'' and ''Blow''.
Beet said that he could fill in for Jackie by writing and telling jokes. Robin asked him to tell a joke but what he said made no sense at all. He mentioned something about an asshole and that was about all I understood.
KC came in and said that he heard that Beet is getting divorced from his wife Katiejuice. Beet said that's true but then said he lied about being married. A guy called in as Katiejuice trying to get Beet to yell at her but it didn't work. Beet kept quiet. Howard said that there's no way Beet could ever be married because he's always with the chicks. KC also told Howard that Beet has his SAG card now that he's worked in a real movie. Beet couldn't remember the name of the movie so Robin had to remind him that it's ''Bubble Boy''. Beet's not sure when it'll be out either.
Vinnie Favale, Vice President of Late Night Programming East Coast, brought in some stats from the Q rating service. This is where they measure the familiarity and likability of celebrities. Vinnie told Howard that he's very recognizable but not very liked. He told Howard that they ask people around the country how recognizable they are and how much they're liked. He said that Bill Cosby is one of the higher Q rated people with a 46% rating. Bobbie Batista from CNN gets a 4%.
Howard is high in the recognizability with a 76%. He beats out Bill Maher, Mary Hart and others in that section.
Howard kept flipping back and forth between Beetlejuice and Vinnie. They wanted to find out what Beet's real name was but it was hard to get an answer. He finally said that it's Lester Junior. He said that his last name is actually Junior. They also quizzed him on what Beetlejuice actually means. Beet said he knew where it came from but wouldn't say exactly what it was.
Vinnie went on to tell Howard that he's more recognized than Dick Clark, Bob Saget, Conan O'Brien, Dr. Laura, Martha Stewart, Katie Couric, Larry King and even Chris Rock.
Vinnie then moved on to the dis-likability of celebrities. Howard is in the bottom of the barrel there. He gets an 11% likability Q. Vinnie also said that Howard is disliked by whites more than blacks. Hispanics really dislike him.
Howard wasn't all that upset about being disliked. He was happy that he's recognized and said that's all that counts. Vinnie brought up the differences between Leno and Letterman also. He said that Letterman has a slightly higher rating than Leno but not by much.
Beetlejuice was asked about his father by Stuttering John. John just wanted to know if Beet knew his father's name but Beet got upset and said that he's dead. Beet didn't even know Robin's name for some reason. He only knew Howard and Baba Booey. We also learned that Beetle hates Jews. For some reason someone asked him if he hates them and he said yes. He was also on the fence about black people... and he's black! He had no problem with the Chinese though.
Vinnie wrapped up his bit by giving Howard the top 10 (he gave 11) most disliked people. He said they weren't in order but here they are:
Victoria Sinclair and Diane Foster were the two who came in. Victoria does the news and Diane does the weather. Howard asked them if they had aspired to be real newscasters before doing the naked news. Neither of them had planned on doing this. Victoria said her boyfriend is the producer of the site so that's how she got involved. She used to be in marketing and wanted to be a writer but now she gets naked reading her news. Diane said she was in the medical field before she saw the ad for this job. She checked it out and discovered she liked it. Both of them said they make enough money to live comfortably.
They get their news off of a wire service and they're both very comfortable getting naked. Neither of them have breast implants.
Victoria usually strips down slowly during her news but today she just disrobed immediately and read about half of a story before Howard said he had no idea what she was talking about. King of all Blacks said that he liked the way Victoria's ass looked. Her ass bubbled out just the right way for him. Howard said they were shaved nicely also. He said that they're ''real women'' and he liked it that way. He said he couldn't take his eyes off of their private parts though.
The girls said that when they're on their periods they still do the news. They said they can tuck in the strings from their tampons so that no one can tell.
A couple of people called in and said that they check out the Naked News each day. Others said that the women need to come up with better deliveries. According to one guy they were too boring. He said they should play with themselves or something while they read the news to make it more exciting. The women said they won't be going that far. The weather girl did a little bit of her stuff before Howard interrupted. He said he didn't hear a thing they were saying because he was too busy looking at their naked bodies.
The girls said that they have guys auditioning for jobs now and they asked KC if he wanted to try out. He wasn't interested.
Big Black then went for the jugular and said that KoAB likes golden showers. He likes to get pissed on by his girlfriends. He admitted that he loves that and it gets him really horny when they do it to him. He said that he doesn't even shower after it. He was getting all worked up just talking about it.
Big Black said that it's been decades since he got laid. KoAB told him he could get laid if he dressed the right way. He told him he needs to get a trench coat and a hat to get the right look. They were right back on goofing on his clothing again. Howard said he was wearing a Jimi Hendrix t-shirt and the Knicks jacket that didn't fit. It was just too busy according to Howard. They also said he has ''ghetto booty'' which means he's got a great big ass. He said there's nothing he can do about that. Howard told him he could wear a bigger shirt to begin with. They also suggested that he cut off the awful moustache he has. KoAB said that it doesn't grow in the middle and it looks horrible.
Today is Gary's birthday so Howard had Chef Bobby make him a special green cupcake to celebrate. Gary came in and said that he almost cried last night just thinking that he's turning 40 today. He said age never bothered him before but this one sucks. He said he wishes he could get the last 10 years back to try it over again. Howard said he was the same way when he turned 40. He looked back on the 20 years before and wondered what he'd done with his life. He's 47 now but KoAB said that he sure doesn't look his age. He told Howard that he looks like he's 27-28. Howard said he doesn't think he looks old either but when he works out with guys who are in their 20's he can see how much less effort they have to put into their workout.
The discussion turned to people like Clint Eastwood and Goldie Hawn who have ''hit the wall'' in recent times. Howard said once you get old there's no looking good.
KoAB said that Gary looks younger than he is too. He told Gary that he looks 35 or so. Then they had him look at Ron Zimmerman to say how old he looks. KoAB said he looks 42 and that's how old the guy really is.
John the Stutterer was the final co-host of the day. He came in late in the show and got to sit in during Robin's news. He told Howard that happiness still eludes him and that ''Life is like the wind... it blows.'' He was out in L.A. with Howard a few weeks ago and he said he had a great time but he didn't get laid. He hung out at the Playboy mansion but didn't get any chicks.
Big Black had to mention his web site BigBlack.com. Vinnie Favale said he thinks Big Black's site is actually pretty good. King of All Blacks said he checked it out once or twice but there's no reason to go back to it. KoAB noticed that Big Black has a lot of hair on his fingers. He and Howard then spent a minute goofing on that. Howard said they looked like hair-rings. KoAB said they look like mittens. Howard said that since he doesn't work he should at least shave his fingers while sitting around doing nothing.
Sal the Stockbroker called in to sing a quick happy birthday song for Gary. It wasn't one of his better song parodies and Howard let him know that. Sal then said that he has bigger fish to fry namely Ron Zimmerman. He said that Ron shouldn't be in Jackie's chair, he should be in the electric chair. He made some unfunny cracks about how unfunny Ron is but he just ended up being unfunny himself. Gary said that whenever Sal tries to be funny goofing on anyone but him, it's not funny.
Howard started off the show talking about the studio being filled with people. They had Al Pacino's baby (comedian Craig Gass) as a special guest this morning. He's 6 weeks old and speaking like a full grown adult. He said his sister is at home this morning. Howard said the baby is in this morning to talk to Roger Ebert about the movies later in the morning. Baby asked if Howard minded if he spits up because he got a mouth full of bad breast milk this morning.
Howard talked about some of the other guests they had coming in this morning. He talked about that stuff for a short time and also talked about his Q rating that he learned about yesterday from Ratso. As he was talking about that Howard mentioned that Ron Zimmerman was in once again this morning. He spoke to him about all of the suicide attempts he's had in his life. Zimmerman said he had quite a few and failed at all of them, obviously. Howard said that he'd take pills and then lay out in front of his girlfriend's house and stuff like that. Ron tried to kill himself in front of a train too but he chickened out and tried to run and got hit in the side breaking his ribs.
Howard got back to Craig Gass who did an amazing impression of Crazy Cabbie agreeing with Howard during a conversation. You'd think that Cabbie was in the studio with him. He had his ''Right!?'' and ''Exactly!'' down perfectly. Gass then did an impression of Christopher Walken doing Crazy Cabbie that was also pretty funny.
Howard moved on to talk about ''Survivor'' host Jeff Probst and MTV VJ Carson Daly for a couple of minutes. He was talking about how Probst really doesn't do much other than telling the people who get voted out that ''the tribe has spoken'' and he figures that he's going to be dating Elizabeth Hurley in a few months. He also said that Carson Daly is the same thing and he doesn't get why he's famous.
''Craigy Cabbie'' was still in character so he was doing more impressions of Cabbie talking about Pantera kicking ass. Howard mentioned that there was an article in the paper about how the word ''titty bar'' was allowed on network TV. Howard said that even he's allowed to say it which is kind of surprising. Howard then started talking about the real Cabbie and how wacky his really is. Howard said Cabbie went to rehab and when he came back he was afraid he was going to get fired. The people at the station liked him and brought him back to do his own show. He came in and started playing ''Pantera'' which isn't on the station's play list so they threatened to fire him. Howard said Cabbie he was all paranoid that he was going to get fired. The people at the station can't trust him now. ''Craigy Cabbie'' was a dead on perfect impersonation. Gass got every part of Cabbie down perfect and talked to Howard as if he were him for a short time.
Howard got back to Carson Daly and how he's getting his own network radio program. He's such a big talent that he's going to be syndicated right away which Howard seems to think is ridiculous. He read an article about the guy and said that even the reporters aren't sure what to say about him.
Howard and the guys talked about ''Survivor'' for a couple of minutes trying to figure out who might win. They were all trying to figure out who might win.
Howard decided to have a Dueling Crackhead Self Destructive People thing between the two Cabbies. The two of them said a couple of words each as the dueling banjo music played in the background. It's hard to tell the difference.
Howard said that Larry King did an hour long special on the death of Morton Downey Jr. Howard played some tape of Mort's wife getting very upset as she described how he died when he went into cardiac arrest. Howard thinks that when he dies he should be getting tons of network coverage if Downey gets that much time on Larry King
Extreme fan Bobo called in and told Howard how great ''Son of the Beach'' was on Tuesday. He mentioned how hot the Rucy Rue character was. Howard said that he met her out in California and she really is hot. He thinks he could have slept with her but he decided not to. Robin read part of an article about the show that said he got pretty good ratings on it's season premiere. They went to break a short time after that.
Howard explained how they had this guy on the phone who claimed to be Jerry Lewis. The guy told Howard what he thinks of his show but Howard didn't let him talk much. Howard and Jerry went at it for a couple of minutes arguing about nonsense. Jerry said he hates Howard's show but also said he's never heard it. He was also calling Robin names like porch monkey and Aunt Jemima. When she'd talk he'd call her more names. He was also making jokes about female comedians just like the real Jerry Lewis does.
Craig Gass went into character as Sam Kinison and goofed on Jerry for a minute. Howard eventually wrapped up the Jerry Lewis call and spoke to Sam for a couple of minutes.
Ron Zimmerman also shared a story about getting beat up by Sam when he worked on the FOX show that Sam starred in. Sam and his brother Bill came into his office and beat him up because he'd hired Bill Maher to appear on the show.
Chaunce Hayden also called in and said that Sam and Bill beat him up one time because he wrote a negative article about Sam. He said it was an honor to have been beaten up by Sam though.
Jessica Hahn then called in and told Howard that she almost cried when she heard Sam's voice on the radio. She started thinking about the old days when they dated. She also reminisced about the time she cleaned up his crap from a hotel room floor. Sam was wasted and crapped on the floor and Jessica cleaned it up and put the dirty towels and stuff out in the hall.
Howard spent a few minutes talking to KC about going to see Henry Rollins in concert recently. KC said he had taken notes and all they said were ''he's brilliant.'' KC had trouble remembering exactly what it was that he liked about him though. KC wanted to run off to get his notes so Howard let him do that. KC came back in and told the guys about some of the subjects that Henry was talking about that he enjoyed. Howard said he had to take a break and kicked KC out of there.
Howard asked the two of them if they think Rex Reed is a legitimate movie reviewer. Roger tried to avoid answering but Roeper didn't. He said that he doesn't think Reed was ever a serious movie reviewer. Roger eventually said that he didn't like the way Reed always related people and movies to food. He did kiss his ass about his celebrity interviews though.
Howard also asked the two of them their opinions on Leno and Letterman. Roger said that he thinks Letterman is a better interviewer.
Howard also asked them about the new rule of 45 seconds to make your acceptance speech on the Oscars. Howard thinks it's ridiculous. Roeper and Ebert think the same thing. Howard used Julia Roberts as an example. She's really hard to get interviews with and now if she wins, she'll be off the stage in 30 seconds or so. Howard also wondered why Julia does such crappy films like ''The Mexican''. Ebert and Roeper didn't think that it was that bad though. They said she's just so likeable that people will go to see any piece of crap she's in.
Adam Sandler was another example. Howard asked why his last movie flopped. Ebert thinks that the young audience is just fed up with him and he's too old for that stuff now. Craig Gass did a good Sandler impression for the two guests. Ebert said that his Al Pacino was spot on too so he did some more of that for them.
Roeper is apparently getting some hot chicks now that he's kind of famous so Howard spent some time talking about that. He also tried to talk to Ebert about women but he stays pretty quiet.
Howard took a phone call from some nut who played part of the ''Exorcist'' movie where they added a new scene called ''The spider walk''. The guy said it didn't make any sense to him. The whole phone call made no sense to Howard. Ebert told him that it was a scene added by the writer and a lot of people were upset about it. Ebert said they should make the scenes available on DVD but leave the original movie the way it was. Howard then mentioned colorization of black and white movies and how he enjoys it. Ebert doesn't like it and thinks that they should be left black and white. Howard thinks it brings in a new audience but Ebert said that's not true.
Kelsey Grammer called in during the interview to promote the movie ''15 Minutes'' in which he has a part. Howard, who loves to make fun of Kelsey's wife's irritable bowel syndrome, had Fred playing fart sounds through most of the phone call. Kelsey was kind of quiet but Howard kept it going. He said he couldn't hear it but eventually asked Howard to stop it. Howard still wouldn't get off the subject of Camille's problem though. Howard then kissed Kelsey's ass a bit by telling him how good he was in ''15 Minutes''. He said he didn't think about his TV character Frasier once during his scenes. Howard thinks that means he's a great actor. Howard got back to the IBS and even spoke to Camille for a minute. She told him some of the symptoms of her IBS and tried to straighten out his misconceptions.
Howard asked Henry about his messed up childhood but he said it was just a normal dysfunctional childhood. He didn't talk much about it. Howard said that weight lifting is what helped Henry out with his problems and he's in great shape now. Howard asked him what he's doing wrong because he works out himself but he's got no muscles to speak of. Henry told him he needs a trainer. Howard has one. Howard then had Henry go through the food that he eats and how he works out. Henry said he eats a MetRx bar in the morning, then some fruit later on. He then eats a can of tuna for lunch with some fresh orange juice. He doesn't eat any bread or pasta. He told Howard he just eats a bunch of small meals a day instead of one big one. Howard said that Karen Carpenter ate more than Henry and he's got huge muscles. He gets his aerobic work out while rehearsing with his band.
Henry told Howard that he's 40 years old and he doesn't freak out about it at all. He said he's letting his hair go gray and it doesn't bother him. He said he didn't want to dye it or anything like that.
Howard moved on to ask Henry why he's been banned from the Tonight Show. Henry thinks that it's because of one time he was on with Kathy Ireland. He said she knows nothing about workouts but she had her own workout tape. He ended up smashing it on Jay Leno's desk and that might have been the reason for not being asked back on. He also yelled out something during a Simple Minds performance on the same show. Henry went on to bad mouth Bono from U2 and Sting as well as Sting's wife.
Last night Henry did a special show where he just spoke for 3 hours. KC, his biggest fan, was there and took notes. Howard mentioned a part where Henry apparently talked about taking Viagra, standing in front of a mirror and crying. Henry stopped Howard halfway through it. He said he's never done that and he didn't say he did it. He explained how he talked about Viagra and getting e-mail about it but he never tried it. He ended up goofing on KC and told him to get it right next time. KC was honored to have been scolded by his hero. KC got a few other things wrong in his notes so Henry had to explain all of them also.
Howard took a few phone calls for Henry and there were a few guys who said they'd like to beat Henry's ass. He doesn't care about those calls so he just let them vent.
Crazy Cabbie called in and said he met Henry back in 1997 at some concert. He said that Henry was kind of uptight and wondered if he's that way all the time. Henry said he used to have problems with fans trying to pick fights with him so he's kind of stand-offish with them sometimes. He said he's not the tough guy that some people think he is.
Gary Garver called in and said that he saw Henry on ''Unsolved Mysteries'' one time. His roommate and good friend was killed by some unknown assailants and they never found out who they were. Henry then told Howard the scary story about how he was held up outside of his apartment in Venice, California. He said that a few days before that Rick Rubin had come over in his Rolls Royce. He thinks that his crackhead neighbors saw the car and figured there must be some good stuff to steal from his house. He and his friend were coming back from shopping when they were confronted by these two guys. They held guns to them and walked them to the house. Henry opened the door, walked in and set the groceries down and the next thing he heard were gun shots. When the shots stopped he ran like hell out the back of the house to call cops at a neighbor's house. His friend was killed. He said that the next day the cops had him stand where he had been standing. They showed him that one bullet missed him by an inch and the other one missed by 2 inches.
Howard also heard that Henry had saved his friend's brain in a Tupperware container. Henry said that he had dug up some of the soil where his friend's head hit the dirt and did save it. It was a very creepy story.
Howard said they never got around to talking about this list that Ron had sent to him. It was a list of celebrities who never had to work to get women and Ron was upset about it. Howard got him started and they went through a bunch of the people he'd mentioned. That got everyone in on the discussion. Here are some of the guys that never have to work to get women:
Howard and the guys went through a bunch of other good looking guys trying to figure out if they needed to work to get chicks. Howard had Robin start her news after that.
Robin went through a bunch of other stories with Ron Zimmerman and Craig Gass sitting in and commenting on them. They had some fun goofing on Steven Seagal for a while after playing some audio clips of him during one story. They goofed on Julia Roberts and Kate Hudson a bit as well. Robin finished up and Howard ended the show around 11:00am (Master Tape Theatre time).