For The Week Of 2/19/2001 to 2/23/2001

• The Best Of Stern. 2/19/01.
  Howard and the crew are on vacation for a week so we have Best Of to hold us over until they return next week. Here's what we heard today:
  • Semisonic Performs ''Closing Time''
  • After discussing a story about a two headed baby being born in Russia Howard and the crew get a call from an angry woman who thinks they shouldn't be talking about it in a funny way
  • Stuttering John talks about getting punched out by Raquel Welch when he asked her ''Are they drooping yet?''
  • Howard plays tape of Jackie talking about his wife on a cable TV show
  • The owner of a dog on ''death row'' calls in to ask Howard's opinion on the situation. Howard tells him to just give up on the dog and let them put him down
  • A woman calls in crying after a California earthquake but still manages to laugh at Howard's jokes
  • Professor Mel Gordon calls in to tell Howard that his book ''Private Parts'' will be required reading for his upcoming college course
  • Howard plays tape of Minister Louis Farakhan singing Calypso music in his days before becoming the outspoken Jew-hater he is today
  • Howard calls Jim Carey to apologize for not believing that his movie ''Ace Ventura'' would be a hit
  • Toothless Tarrot card reader Sharon Hayes comes in to read cards for Howard
  • Howard talks to David Koresh's Mother and Brother Bonnie and Roger
  • A listener with cancer calls in to tell Howard how much enjoyment he gets from the show

• The Best Of Stern. 2/20/01.
  Here's what we heard on today's Best of Stern:
  • Black History Minute with Larry Fine
  • ''The Howard Stern Show'' theme parody to the tune of ''Gilligan's Island''
  • Jack Gordon and Latoya Jackson call in. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 6/11/96. These two wacko's are at it once again. They're either fighting with each other or trying to make babies when they come on the show. This time they're in the middle of a divorce. First up was Jack. He called in to talk about the divorce and about Latoya. He said that Latoya lies about him hitting her and about him taking all of her money from appearances that she makes. Right after the interview with Jack was over, Latoya called in to defend herself. She was saying that Jack was lying about her lying. She also said that Jack would force her to do appearances at places that she didn't want to and crap like that. After she hung up, Jack called in once again. Howard wanted to have both on the phone at the same time but Jack said that they weren't supposed to talk to each other. Howard said that he would be the go-between. They never did get their act together though. Howard came back early from a commercial because Latoya was on the phone but when he picked up her line she was gone.
  • Howard contacts and channels Elvis Presley to talk about Lisa Marie's marriage to Michael Jackson
  • Gary gets reamed for not being able to find a Sam Kinison tape while Bill Kinison is visiting
  • Tiny Tim tells Howard about his airport adventure. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 7/2/96. Tiny Tim came in this morning to talk about his little accident this weekend. It seems that Tiny Tim, real name Herbert Khaury, came in at an airport here in N.Y. and went for a wild ride on one of those golf cart-like vehicles. Tiny says that he got in to the passenger seat and placed his grocery bag on the floor next to him and the next thing he noticed was the cart rolling slowly away. Tiny, not knowing how to drive, stepped on what he thought was the brake pedal. It turned out to be the accelerator! The cart went hauling ass about 50 feet down the jetway and ran over about 4 people. It was later discovered that the brake system was not in working order. Tiny had to drive the thing into a wall to stop it! Some witness' said that Tiny was playing around trying to drive the thing but Tiny denies it. Tiny stuck around to talk about some other stuff also. He talked about his sex life or lack there of. Tiny said that he can't get it up anymore. Leslie West called in and told Tiny to go see a doctor about getting those erection shots like he gets. Tiny also spoke about his wife and another woman that he loves. This guy's life is about as confusing as they come.
  • Howard does an interview with Rafael on WJIT radio
  • Howard talks about what an ass kisser Tom Chiusano is toward Mel Karmazin
  • Howard reads various articles that were written about him

• The Best Of Stern. 2/21/01.
  Day three of reruns, only two more to go. Here's what we heard on today's show:
  • Smashmouth performs ''Walking on the Sun'' at the Playboy Mansion
  • Howard argues about the death penalty with a woman who calls in
  • Howard plays ''The Slice is Right''. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 6/13/96. How's this for a game show? You have a transsexual and two strippers, you line them up and hide everything except for their private parts, and have people guess who's got the fake 'gina. The transsexual, Sara formerly Jeff, was plugging it's web site and t-shirt that it brought in for Howard. The other two real women are from Al's Diamond Cabaret, a strip joint. The three of them got in to some kind of box and got in to position. It was only Howard, Jackie and Fred playing since Robin had accidentally seen the contestants in the box during a commercial break. All three of them guessed correctly. They said that the fake vagina looks pretty accurate but the area surrounding it didn't quite cut it. The next contestants were normal(?) people picked up off the street, literally. Stuttering John went out and found some unusual contestants. The first one was a homeless woman that may be Mexican. John put her on the phone with Howard and she mumbled something and took off her own clothes! Her words weren't even words! John got a couple of other guys and they came in to guess. The homeless woman was the funniest part of this whole thing! All three of these people guessed and one of them was actually WRONG! Howard asked him if he had ever even had sex with a woman and he said that he had. He also said that he wasn't a homo. He said that his view was blocked during the competition. The homeless woman was wearing some kind of cloth. She took it off and took some tinsel off the 'gina box and dressed herself in it! What a wacky morning.
  • Howard plays Jackie's beer song, ''Cold Gold'', for the first time
  • John Tesh comes in to promote his album ''Discovery''. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 6/25/96. John Tesh, also known as 'The Blonde Frankenstein' on the show, came in this morning to plug his new CD. If you're a fan of John's the name of the CD is Discovery. If you're not a fan then who cares what the name of the CD is. Howard spent most of the interview asking about John's wife Connie Seleca. Howard has always been stunned by their marriage. John Tesh is a big giant headed frankenstein-like guy and Connie is one of the most beautiful women around. This blew Howard's mind and he still focused in on that fact when he spoke to John. John was laughing and seemed to be having fun today. Howard asked him about why he left a $1 Million + a year job at Entertainment Tonight to play his new age music. John said that it wasn't because Connie didn't like him working so much.
  • Elephant Boy brings his new girl in to meet Howard. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 5-3-96. Elephant boy came in to plug some appearances that he's making. He came in and, as usual, was barely understandable. Howard asked him how his girlfriend was. Well, they've broken up and Fred is trying to move on. Fred says that he met a lovely girl at a Prodigy chat room party. He says that he's talked to her on the phone and she even kissed him goodbye at the Prodigy party. Well little did anyone know, that woman is married! Her husband called in after Fred had left the studio. Howard brought him back in to talk to the guy on the phone. Fred says that he didn't know that she was married. The husband says that he's pissed because she and Fred talk on the phone behind his back. Her screen name on Prodigy is something like Philly babe. Philly says that she talks to Fred pretty often on the phone. She also says that she and her husband haven't been getting along lately and that she could possibly be interested in Fred! The couple even have children and when asked if he knew that she had children, Fred said no. But the husband knew the truth. He said that Fred wanted to take the children to a wrestling match! Howard got fed up with the whole thing because he had to get to something else.
  • Howard talks to Fred about his name change. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 6-3-96. Howard was still talking about Fred's name change today. He said that people were asking him about it all week while he was on vacation. Jackie said that he was avoiding people through vacation because of their questions. People are already sending in song parodies about it. Now it turns out that Eric wants to get a nose job! Maybe he trying to hide from someone? Maybe he doesn't want his Martian buddies to find him...
  • Howard argues with a reverend about religion and his show
  • ''Guess Who's The Jew'' with Kurt Waldheim Jr.

• The Best Of Stern. 2/22/01.
  Only one more day of reruns. Here's what we heard on today's show:
  • ''Scott the Engineer's Aggression Clinic'' commercial parody
  • ''Those Teeth'' song parody
  • John Wayne Bobbit and his girlfriend call in to talk about why they're not getting married
  • Arnold Schwarzenegger calls in to promote ''Eraser''. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 6/12/96. Arnold was a little late calling in this morning but he did make it. Arnold called in to plug his new movie ''Eraser'' which starts in theaters starting June 21. Howard was asking Arnold about working with Vanessa Williams in this movie. He was wondering if she is all black or if she's an 'octaroon'. Arnold wasn't sure. Arnold wished Howard luck with the film and Howard told him that all of his listeners would go see the movie.
  • Howard has a caller try to guess what the sounds of the show are by playing tape and having Fred and Billy West do impressions
  • David Letterman welcomes Howard to the Westinghouse family. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 7/2/96. David Letterman came in to tape a bit for his show today. Letterman's crew was there setting up for this bit for what seemed like 2 hours. The bit was supposed to seem like a surprise to Howard but Dave came in before they taped it and told Howard what was going to happen. Dave said that he was going to welcome him to the Westinghouse family with a gift. Dave even said that Howard's show was a little boring this morning! So after they spoke Dave and the crew got ready to 'surprise' Howard. The bit sounded lame on the radio and I guess it didn't work too well for TV either. Dave came in and presented Howard with either a Westinghouse dishwasher or a refrigerator...you couldn't really tell which was right. Dave called it a dishwasher and Howard called it a refrigerator... So right after the bit Dave vanished! People from his crew were looking for him and couldn't find him! Howard figured that Dave knew it didn't go well so he just took off. Howard started talking about Dave and how odd he can be. Someone came in and said that they saw Dave eating a ton of chocolate before the bit. The next thing you know, people that have worked for Dave called in and said that before Dave tapes his show he eats about 4 chocolate bars and an orange...for energy! I wonder if this was the last appearance that Dave will make on the show. He must be embarrassed as hell.
  • Morton Downey Jr. calls in to talk about his lung cancer. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 6/19/96 After bad mouthing Howard for years, the loudmouth himself, Morton Downey Jr. begged to get on the air to talk about his lung cancer. Since diagnosed about a week and a half ago with lung cancer, Morton has changed his outlook on life. He said that he used to smoke 4 packs a day when he was doing his WWOR tv show years ago. He used to tell people that he could beat cancer if he ever got it. Now he's faced with the possibility of losing a lung. If he loses that lung, he would most likely die. The other lung is only capable of pumping 38% of it's capacity. The doctors want to see if they can just remove the tumor from the one lung and go from there. Morty's surgery is scheduled for July 12. Downey was in a jovial mood for a guy that may be dead within a couple of months. He joked and laughed when Howard questioned him about his beautiful young wife. He's also got a 2 1/2 year old daughter.
  • Howard talks about Jackie asking permission to go film a TV show called ''The Watcher''
  • A 270 pound woman calls in asking Howard for dieting advice

• The Best Of Stern. 2/23/01.
  Whew! Last day of Best Of for now. I'd like to thank the people at WJSE 102.7 down in Atlantic City for finally bringing Howard to the city. I was down there for a quick vacation and without them I wouldn't have been able to hear this morning's broadcast. Here's what we heard today:
  • Crazy Cabbie song parody
  • Ed Asner calls in to defend a convicted murderer
  • Crackhead Bob's ex-wife calls in. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 6-3-96. Howard got a call from some dude on acid this morning. The conversation turned towards drug activist, Timothy Leary. Robin told Howard that Leary had died this past weekend so Howard decided to contact the dead. He called in Timothy Leary himself to ask him some questions about drugs and about being dead. Well it turned out to be Bob George Harvey (Crackhead Bob), the guy who screwed himself up on crack. Well Bob came in to show off a new tattoo, not to do his impression of Timothy Leary. It's a picture of Howard, Robin and the E! channel logo!? After his short visit as Timothy Leary, Bob's ex-wife called in to yell at him. Bob's ex-wife left him after his crack stroke. They still talk but she just got married, to Bob's surprise, to a guy that she's been with for 5 years now. She said that Bob's daughter is petrified that he'll mention her name on the radio. She's a little embarrassed I guess. After the call from Bob's wife, Howard said that he'd love to hear him on K-Rock. So after a commercial, Howard gave Bob a little audition. He couldn't say 'Metallica' and Howard couldn't get the damn cd to play so the whole thing was all f'd up. I don't think that we'll be hearing him do an air shift any time soon.
  • Howard talks about how the word ''nig*er'' was censored off of his E! show while Chink and Kike were allowed
  • Vietnam vet Chuck calls in to share stories with Howard about 'Nam. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 5-14-96. This guy, Chuck, called in today to talk about the days when he was blowing up Vietnamese from his helicopter. Howard and he talked about how they killed the 'gooks' in 'Nam. Chuck had a deep southern accent which made the whole thing even funnier than it should have been. Chuck told stories of shooting missiles in to the 'gooks' and watching their heads get blown off. I know this stuff isn't supposed to be funny but hearing it from this guy Chuck just made it pretty amusing. Chuck says that he wrote a book about his adventures in Vietnam. The book is entitled ''Firebirds''. I don't know where to find it but it might be worth looking for.
  • A woman claiming to be Liz Taylor's daughter comes in. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 6/21/96. Some nutty woman who claims to be the biological daughter of Liz Taylor was in this morning to prove her sanity. Well it didn't work. This wacko came in and made herself look more mental than when she called in on the phone recently. She said that she had proof of her theory. She brought in a letter that some 'Lieutenant Colonel' wrote for her. The letter was just as weird as she was! According to Howard the letter was like 50 pages long and it didn't prove a thing about the woman's theory. She thinks that Liz Taylor gave her up for adoption. She says that she doesn't look like her brothers and sisters. She said that she and Liz have a lot in common. She dated a construction worker named Larry and so did Liz. She said that people tell her she looks like Liz Taylor...in pictures, not in person. Hmmmm. She weighs a ton, so does Liz! She's got me convinced! Howard brought in a couple of 'Doctors' to diagnose this woman. One doctor was Dr. Salem(Scott the engineer) who told Howard that she needs a lot of help. Then he brought in Dr. Chiusano (Tom the general manager). He said that she showed signs of multiple personalities. I think she believed the so called 'Doctors'. I hope she finds a good hospital.
  • A 15 year old kid asks Howard for advice about telling his parents about being gay. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads:
    • 6/11/96. This kid called in this morning to get some advice from Howard. He hasn't told his parents yet and was wondering if he should. Howard told him to wait until he's at least 18 or until he's actually had homo sex. Howard questioned the kid to see if he really was gay. He asked questions like ''did you ever try to swallow a banana?'' and stuff like that. The kid wasn't in to any of that kind of stuff but he said that he does look at the other guys in the locker room shower. Howard asked him if he'd ever looked at a Playboy Magazine and he hadn't! He must be gay.
  • A wacky fan by the name of Robin comes in to Howard can see just how wacky she is