|Will Liz Taylor die soon?||I'd say yes...I don't know how she's hung on so long...|
|Will President Clinton lose his sexual harassment suit?||I'd say yes... and there's a lot more coming up for him...|
|Will Robin ever get reunited with her bathroom lover?||Not yet.. maybe in 10 years...|
|Will Howard ever have sex with a woman other than his wife?||Yes.. He loves his wife but he's hard to hold on to..|
|Will Fred ever get oral favors from his wife?||Yes...yeah, yeah, yeah|
|Will Charles Grodin ever show his bald head?||Not unless Howard pulls off his wig...|
Howard said Robin should have come back to do a ''Top Ten News Stories of 2001'' but she said someone should have told her that before this morning. They then spent a couple of minutes talking about the breakup of Drew Barrymore and Tom Green that happened during their break.
Howard said he felt kind of guilty being off yesterday. He said everyone else was back to work and they were off because Gary found an extra vacation day that they were able to use.
Howard was trying to come up with ''Best of 2001'' lists last night but the only thing he could come up with was the fact that he hates movies and TV shows where actors play a bunch of parts. He gave Eddie Murphy and Hank Azaria as two examples. He said they never look good and it doesn't work.
Howard had a New Year's Eve party on Monday night. He said he'll never have another one. There were 112 people in his apartment. He said he has a great view of Central Park and he was going to have everyone watch the fireworks but they ended up getting canceled.
Howard said that people were all over his apartment looking at his stuff. Michael Rapaport was looking at his books and movies. Howard says he doesn't read any of the books that are in his book shelf. He just has them there so the book shelf looks full.
People were also looking at pictures Howard had around the apartment. He said he put most of them away but the ones he left out were there for viewing.
Howard continued to tell all kinds of stories about the party for quite a while. Some of the celebrity guests at the party included John Popper, Gilbert Gottfried, Gina Gershon and Michael Rapaport. Howard's co-workers were all there too.
After the party Howard said the floor was covered in black marks from dirty shoes and crushed chocolate. Howard said he had 2000 balloons floating on his ceiling for the party so he had to get rid of them the next morning. He popped them all with a pin. He ended up finding broken glass on the floor when he was cleaning up. He said he'll never do something like that again at his own apartment.
The guys all said that Howard's girlfriend looked great. She had her own dress design created for the party and the guys said it was really hot.
Howard moved on to talk about Spike Lee for a short time too. He saw Spike at a Knicks basketball game and sat near him. He said it was pretty uncomfortable to be there with him because he's said so many bad things about him in the past. Chris Rock later told Howard that Spike was pissed at Howard and was ready to kick his ass if he was talking about him. Howard told Chris to relay a message back to Spike that he'd take him on right there on the court if he wanted to. Nothing ever came out of that though.
Howard said they put him on camera and played the ''Baba Booey'' clip which was pretty cool. He also went on to talk about some of the other celebrities he saw at the game. He saw Michael Rapaport, Scott Speedman (from ''Felicity'') and Robert Wuhl. Howard said during vacation he sat down and watched ever episode of ''Felicity'' from this season and loved it. He said it was great and he wanted to tell Scott Speedman how good it was but he was sitting too far away. Jason Biggs from ''American Pie'' was also there and he sat next to Howard for a while.
Booker called in and said none of that stuff was true. He said he was at Howard's party from 9:30 to 12:30 and he didn't try to clear out the party. The party was supposed to be over by 1am anyway so he was just telling people where he was going to be partying after Howard's party.
After the Booker conversation Howard read an e-mail he got that a guy wrote to women everywhere. There were things like:
Howard had Mike Gange come in to let everyone hear his voice. He's almost completely lost his voice because he was out partying during vacation. He has a hoarse voice to begin with and when he goes out he's always yelling so it was just about gone this morning.
Howard went on to talk about how he got another horrible movie script while he was on vacation. He said he can't find another decent movie to do. He said Ivan Reitman calls him once in a while and tries to get him to do ''Private Parts 2'' but he doesn't want to do that. Some of the guys in the studio said that Howard should just do ''Fartman'' already. Howard said maybe he'll do that.
Howard went down to Mexico during his vacation. He said he ran into one of the creators of the ''Smallville'' TV show. Howard thought that was pretty cool because he got to ask him some questions about what they want to do with Superboy in the show.
The guys were talking about movies and Stuttering John said he saw a picture of Cameron Diaz without makeup and she looked really bad. Howard saw the same picture and thought it was really mean for the tabloids to print pictures like that.
Robin was in London during vacation and she almost ran into Elizabeth Hurley. She said they were on a stairway and almost took each other out accidentally. She said they stared at each other for a few seconds and continued walking. Robin said she didn't recognize Hurley at first but Hurley may have recognized her. Howard recently said that Hurley should have an abortion so Robin didn't have anything to say to Hurley as they went their separate ways.
Howard read an article that former Mayor Ed Koch wrote about how poorly the French have treated the Jews over the years. In the article he suggests that the Jews boycott anything French to teach them a lesson. Howard said he's going to boycott everything French including french fries and french kissing.
Howard played a bunch of voice mails that were left for them during vacation. There were the usual angry voice mails from a racist guy and an angry woman who saw pictures of Howard and his girlfriend in the newspaper. She complained about how old Howard looks and how young his girlfriend looks standing next to him. Howard said the woman must have been dumped by a bunch of guys and that's why she's so angry.
Howard mentioned that the last person to be kicked off of ''Survivor Africa'', Kim, will be on the show tomorrow to play the Mike Walker Gossip Game. That led to him talking about how he's not sure if anyone really cares about ''Survivor'' anymore. He said that he's looking forward to the new season of ''Fear Factor'' that starts soon. He said they're making the challenges harder and in one show they make the contestants walk down a model runway while they're nude. Artie said he'd do that for the $50,000 grand prize. Howard said he'd do it if it were a million bucks.
Howard forgot to invite his buddy Wayne Segal to his party this year and he's feeling really guilty about it. He said he's going to call Wayne and beg forgiveness. He's also going to take him out to dinner to make up for it.
Fred didn't go to Howard's party either and a bunch of people were wondering why he didn't show up. Fred was out in The Hamptons for the holiday so he couldn't make it to the party. He later said that he was throwing a birthday party for a close friend of his out there and he couldn't change his plans.
Dominic Barbara had called in and brought up the Fred thing. The subject soon changed to Dominic and how fat he is. Howard thinks he's put on some weight but Dominic says that's not true. Howard then asked Dominic if he's able to be ''on top'' while he's having sex with his girlfriend. Dominic didn't want to answer that question so he ended up hanging up while Howard tried to figure out whether or not it's possible.
Howard reviewed a few of the things that he talked about on yesterday's show. He went over his discovery of 2001... That he doesn't like movies or TV shows where actors play a bunch of the parts. He also continued his talk about Sean Penn comparing him to Osama bin Laden.
Howard said over vacation his girlfriend asked to watch a porno with him. They got a Jenna Jameson porno and it was a ''very artsy fartsy'' movie that wasn't erotic according to Howard. He said he didn't end up doing anything with his girlfriend after watching it. He said he was flaccid through the whole movie.
Howard got a call from David Spade during vacation telling him that they wrote a part for him on ''Just Shoot Me.'' Howard said he heard something about getting $75,000 for the episode and it sounded pretty good to him. His agent talked him out of it though. Howard mentioned some other stuff that his agent has stopped him from doing over the years too.
Howard said he checked out a web site last night where you rate chicks on whether or not they're centerfold material. Just like they do on Howard's show. He said there was one pretty hot chick on the ''free tour'' section of the site. Howard was going to give out the name of the site but he never got to it. The guys continued to talk about sex web sites that they've seen and the experiences they've had with them.
Howard said he's been staying in touch with Rebecca Romijn-Stamos lately. He said he's got her number so he doesn't even have to call John Stamos. He invited them to his New Year's Eve party and Rebecca was ready to go. John ended up asking Howard ''who's gonna be there?'' Howard didn't have a celebrity party so they didn't end up coming. Howard heard Rebecca and John held their own party and Rebecca ended up getting naked at it.
Howard spent a little bit of time talking about the picture he got of Dominic Barbara getting into a hot tub while he was on a cruise recently. Howard thought about putting it up on his web site but decided against that because Dominic is a friend of his. Dominic called in and said he has some pictures of Howard he could put on a web site too if Howard put up the picture of him. Howard and Robin were still talking about whether or not Dominic can get on top of his girlfriend when they have sex. Robin says there's no way that would work. Howard told Dominic he just pictures him laying there like a turtle while his girlfriend climbs on top of him. Dominic kept telling Howard to stop talking like that because his girlfriend has kids that might hear the show.
Howard was also still talking about the boycott of France that he talked about yesterday. He said he threw out all of his French wine yesterday.
Kim is out of work right now so she's trying to make ends meet. Gary took advantage of that and asked her if she'd be willing to take her top off for $1000 of iWon.com money. She turned it down so he offered $2000. She turned that down too so he ended up offering her $1000 to just get in a bikini. Surprisingly she turned that down too.
Howard took a couple of quick phone calls for Kim but no one had much of anything to say.
Howard got back to Kim's infatuation with him and found out she's been watching his E! show for years. She really sounded like she was interested in him. Howard said he'd get her number before she left. She even told Howard that she'd be willing to try ''third input'' sex with him if they went out.
Mike Walker called in to play his Gossip Game with everyone. He also thought that Kim was really cute and knew that her favorite ice cream is Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey. Kim told Howard that she actually spent New Year's Eve alone. They spent a couple of minutes talking about that before getting to the game. Here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Howard also got a card from a DJ he knew at WNBC who called himself Bumper Morgan. He's also got a web site at BumperMorgan.com. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about that guy. He ended up doing an impression of some of the DJs he used to work with. He was talking up songs that they used to play on the station.
Howard and the crew ended up talking about the DJs at the station he works out of. He goofed on them for a couple of minutes. He also brought up the K-Rock calendar that the station put out. Howard said the program director put it together and wanted to use an awful picture of Howard but he wouldn't allow it so they ended up using his press photo. Crazy Cabbie called in and said they left him out of the calendar completely. He's a pretty major part of the station so it's kind of hard to understand but Howard said he's probably better off being left out of it.
Cabbie and Stuttering John went at each other over the Christmas gift that Howard gave this year. Cabbie didn't get one and he wound up trying to buy someone's gift from them. Cabbie said someone thought the gift was kind of strange so he tried to buy it from that person. He wouldn't say who it was though. Howard had to cut the Christmas Card review short so he could take a break and play Win Fred's Money.
This guy Cal wrote a letter recently claiming that he could beat Fred at his own game, Win Fred's Money. Fred said the guy kept sending the letter over and over again until he finally got on the show. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to him and then got to the game. The object of Win Fred's Money is to answer as many of the seven questions Howard asks as you can in under 60 seconds. Fred is held in Robin's booth so he can't hear the questions. After the contestant answers the questions Fred is brought in to answer them. If the contestant beats Fred he or she wins $10,000 courtesy of CBS.SportsLine.com. Here are the questions:
After the Mad Russian story Howard was talking to Greg Fitzsimmons. Greg gave some plugs for where he's appearing (The Stress Factory in New Brunswick, NJ and Uncle Funny's in Ft. Lauderdale, FL). That got Howard thinking about the old days when he used to appear at Club Bene in New Jersey doing shows each week. He talked about some of the stupid stuff he did back then. He'd also mentioned something about the meals they used to get there. A short time later Gary came in and repeated the story that Howard just told about the meals. That led to Greg and Howard goofing on him by repeating the same story over and over again. Gary said he was on the phone at the time and didn't hear them mention the story. They kept referring to that screw up even during Robin's news segment.