For The Week Of 12/17/2001 to 12/21/2001

• The Best Of Stern. 12/17/01. 6:05am
  Winter vacation day 1. Here's what we heard on today's show:
  • ''Scott Salem's Hokey Smokey Christmas Album'' commercial parody
  • Stone Temple Pilots perform ''Days of the Week''
  • A woman from the National Women's Coalition for Life calls in and argues with Howard about abortion and other things
  • Geraldo Rivera plays ''Guess Who's The Jew'' with Kurt Waldheim Jr. (Fred)
  • Howard complains about General Manager Tom Chiusano not approving a ''racy''' 800 number for the show. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 1/29/97. 6:30am. Howard has been trying to get a new 800 number for the show since before they moved into the new studio. He wants something racy that fits the show better than 800-44-STERN. Every suggestion he makes gets rejected by good old Tom Chiusano. Every number so far, and there are a ton of them, has been turned down by that fool again and again. Howard was so fed up with it today that he started yelling about Tom for a while. Howard may never get the 800 number he wants.
  • Howard reads a letter from a couple who wants him off the air down in Texas that was sent out to some of his advertisers. He later says he agrees with the guy and speaks to him on the air.
  • Howard and the crew goof on Gary about his cartoon art. Robin gets goofed on for hanging a portrait of herself in her house. Jackie gets goofed on about the tiny houses he owns.
  • Gary transfers a phone call from a guy claiming to be Michael J. Fox to Howard who interviews him for 20 minutes before figuring out he's a phony.
  • Howard talks to an Israeli broadcaster who came to see how he does his show. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 1/22/97. This Israeli broadcasting dude came in this morning to learn a little bit about how The King Of All Media runs his show. I think he may have left the studio a little shell shocked. This happens a couple of times a year. Foreign broadcasters request to come in and watch Howard at work. Howard has them come in but goes the extra little bit to freak them out. Recently he had a bunch of Japanese broadcasters in and asked them who was going to apologize for Pearl Harbor. This time he told Amnan the things he should be doing on Israeli radio. Whenever Howard would bring up anything about sex the guy didn't want anything to do with it. Howard also told him that he should bring The Howard Stern Show into Israel. There's not enough money in it for Howard.. He'd never let it happen.

• The Best Of Stern. 12/18/01.
  Here's what we heard on today's show:
  • Sal the Stockbroker sings Horse Tooth Jackass Christmas Parody
  • Fiona Apple performs ''Sleep to Dream''
  • Muscular Dystrophy sufferer Doug Bady comes in with his best friend Dave. Howard puts Doug in a steamer trunk so he can freak some people out.
  • Gary complains about Ralph being annoying at a ''Private Parts'' movie screening. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 2/6/97. 8:15am
      It was Gary's turn to rag on fag-boy Ralph today. Gary told Howard about an incident with Ralph at the recent screening of Howard's movie. To make a long story short... Gary put his jacket where he was going to sit at the movie, Ralph came along and moved the jacket a few seats away from where it was. Gary got pissed at Ralph and yelled at him. There's a lot more details to the story but I don't have the strength to type them. Anyway, Ralph did wrong. Howard got Ralph on the phone and he immediately cursed. Ralph ended up hanging up 2 or 3 times and cursing a few times. He couldn't understand why Gary was so pissed. Everyone else in the studio did understand. E! show producer Scott Einziger came in and said that he heard everything that was going on. He thought Ralph was wrong also. Ralph eventually stopped being a baby and got on the phone and tried to discuss the whole thing. He doesn't realize what a dick he really is around people. The fighting went on for a good 40 minutes solid but Howard had to stop it because Fran Drescher was waiting to come on. Gary and Ralph agreed to just do what they needed to do when they see each other.
  • Howard interviews Dennis Miller about his failed talk show.
  • Howard reads an article about how his drawing was taken out of a charity auction.
  • Howard yells at Ralph when he finds him showing unpublished pictures from his book to people on the show.

• The Best Of Stern. 12/19/01.
  Here's what we heard on today's Best of Stern:
  • ''Strangers on my Flight'' song parody
  • Train performs ''Drops of Jupiter''
  • Howard interviews Kato Kaelin after the O.J. Simpson civil trial. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 12/5/96. 7:45am
      O.J. Simpson's house guest Kato who blew his questioning in the criminal trial came in this morning. Howard has spoken to Kato before. He was on after his appearance in the first O.J. Trial. At that time Howard yelled at Kato for being such a lousy witness. This time Howard was a little nicer to Kato. Kato was a better witness in the Simpson civil trial recently. Howard has forgiven him for his mistakes I guess. Kato didn't have much of anything to say today. He was just rambling on about miscellaneous crap. How did this guy get so damn famous? He's friends with Larry King and some Sheik offered him $10 Million to move into his country! He gets like 3 or 4 women a week. He goes through girlfriends like I go through underwear! He had dinner with President Clinton.. Larry King invited him to some function where he ate with the President. Kato is also still doing a radio show out in California. All of this because he was O.J.'s house guest!
  • Howard talks to the Singing Psychic. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 2/4/97. This woman called in today who they call The Singing Psychic. She was involved in a car accident back in 1979. After the accident she was able to predict things in song. Howard had to talk to her. Fran has a very tiny sounding voice so it makes the whole thing even funnier. Howard would ask her to predict something like how his movie will do financially. The woman gives her answer but sings it. It's not really a song but she sings her damn answers! She predicted that Howard's movie will do well by the way. She was also asked about the O.J. Simpson trial and she sang that he will get off and not owe any money. She said that she doesn't think that O.J. killed Nicole either because Nicole came to her in a dream and told her that it was someone else. According to this woman Jackie will have one child, Fred's marriage will last and Robin will live the longest. Here's the order of deaths according to The Singing Psychic: Fred First, Howard Second, Jackie Third, Robin Last. After the woman was off the phone Howard told Robin that it probably means that she'll die first.
  • Howard plays tape of Stuttering John interviewing celebrities Eli Wallach, Regis Philbin and Raul Julia
  • David Faustino calls in after seeing ''Private Parts.'' An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 3/12/97. 7:55am. David Faustino play(ed)s Bud Bundy on Married With Children. He just called in to tell Howard that he saw the movie and loved it. He kissed Howard's ass for a few minutes. Howard also had a letter from one of the producers of Baywatch. The letter was to invite Howard to do an episode of the show. They had a basic plot that Howard read on the air. The idea was to have a morning radio DJ who does his show from a helicopter (uh oh.. dumb idea already). The DJ (Howard) always bad mouths the lifeguards on the beach... Out in the water would be thousands of his fans who wait out by the beach to see their favorite DJ flying around in his chopper. Then something would go wrong with the helicopter and it would crash into the water and he would have to be saved by the lifeguards that he always bad mouths. Well Howard was having fun with this letter. He was making up some of the dialog that might happen in the show. He even included David Faustino in the fun. I don't think David wanted to play because he quickly told Howard that he had to go to work. Howard would never do something so stupid but he did say that he'd like to see a script for an episode like that.
  • ''12 Days of Christmas'' sung by Wack Packers Elephant Boy, Crackhead Bob and Beetlejuice
  • Rapper Wise Intelligent teaches Howard and Robin some Ebonics. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 1/24/97. 7:40am. Wise Intelligent of the rap group Poor Rightous Teachers came in to teach Howard and the gang some of this Ebonics crap. First he had to teach Howard what the Five Percenters is. I couldn't explain it to you if I tried. So anyway they decided to make a game out of this ebonics. Wise Intelligent would give Howard and the gang a word or phrase and they would have to try and figure it out. Here are those phrases and their definitions:
      1. Word is life - To tell the truth
      2. Hella tite - Nice Things like a car
      3. Off the hook - Out of control, insane
      4. Eighty fivers - 85% of the population that doesn't have a clue
      5. Butta - Good, best or smooth
      6. Break me off the math - Give me your phone number
      7. Hold it down - Hold your ground
      8. Get your swerve on - Get it on with a woman
      9. Those kids are sizing me up - Someone is getting ready to rob you
      10. You better recognize - Pay attention
      Howard made up his own, Decorate the phosphorus - Write you phone number on this matchbook. Howard got about half of the ebonics questions correct which is pretty amazing for a white man. Robin did about the same. Jackie and Fred didn't do quite as well.

• The Best Of Stern. 12/20/01.
  Here's what we heard on today's Best of Stern:
  • Sal the Stockbroker's ''Baba Booey'' (to the tune of ''Let it Snow'') Christmas Song Parody.
  • Noel Gallagher sings ''Don't Look Back in Anger'' live in the studio.
  • Richard Simmons brings in new Barbie dolls for Howard and the crew to look at.
  • The Jesus Twins first visit. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 1/27/97. 9:20am. This band by the name of The Jesus Twins was outside of Howard's studio this morning yelling at Gary and Steve Grillo. They were wondering why Howard's not putting them on his movie soundtrack album. Howard pointed out that the soundtrack is already being pressed so he can't just put them on the album. These guys said that Howard would be so impressed with the song that he'd stop the presses and add their song to it. Howard agreed to let them in the studio to hear the song. What a mistake that was. As soon as they came in they started yelling at Crackhead Bob to get the hell out of the studio. They did the same to Gary. The one guy who seemed to be the leader of the nightmare kept saying that his band was the best and all others just plain suck. He put down every band that's on Howard's soundtrack. Eventually Howard played some of their song and it SUCKED. It sounded like a bad 1980's Stevie Ray Vaughn song. Their manager, who had a very unique voice, tried to explain why this band was the next big thing. He said that everyone out there is doing grunge and hip-hop. Not these guys. They're doing something that no one else is doing... (that's because no one listens to it anymore idiot). At one point during this fiasco the lead jerk-off got in an argument with Fred. Jerk-off started to make a move to confront Fred but Crackhead Bob saved the day. He held the guy back with his bad arm! Howard never said that he really liked the song but said it was ''an okay song''. I think that was just to get the guys to leave the studio. Once they did leave the studio a call came in from a big wig over at Epic Records. He said that he might be interested in hearing more of their stuff. When the jerk-offs heard the guy on the phone they didn't care. They don't need a record deal with a real company I guess. Let's all remember their name now... The Jesus Twins... because it's sure as hell not going to be a household name anytime soon.
  • Howard complains about Stuttering John and Steve Grillo running up their hotel bills out in Los Angeles. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 3/14/97. 7:25am. A couple of days ago Howard was yelling at Stuttering John for acting inappropriately out in California while staying at a hotel. Well today Howard had the hotel bills for the crew that were out there. John's bill was around $2100! Even Steve Grillo had a bill over $2000! I think Robin's bill was around $600 or so. John had over $300 worth of LAUNDRY bills! They were only there for 2 or 3 days. John was still home sick today so Howard had to yell at him over the phone. Howard went over a bunch of the weird charges that were on the bills. There were charges for parking on John's bill. John wasn't driving a car. Go figure. It could have been his friends out there charging it to his room. John has no idea. It sounds like John made an ass out of himself out there in California.
  • Howard takes a phone call from a woman who's upset the Jesus Twins got on the show and her band didn't.
  • Chris Rock visits to promote an album release and his HBO TV show. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 4/8/97. 7:50am. Comedian Chris Rock came in for a quick visit today. He was plugging a couple of things that he's doing. He's doing an HBO show and an album which comes out today in record stores. His visit was only about 10 or 15 minutes long because he had other places to be.
  • Howard has Fred's wife Alison on the phone to talk about oral sex. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 3/21/97. 6:50am. Yesterday everyone was talking about their sex lives and we found out that Fred doesn't get oral sex from his wife Alison. Well today they got Alison on the phone to get an explanation from her. Alison says that Fred is lying about the whole thing. Fred was still saying that he doesn't get it often enough. Alison says that she gives it to him ever other week or so. Fred says that he's gotten it maybe once in the past year. Howard believes that Fred is telling the truth. He's known Fred longer than anyone else and he can tell if he's lying or not. Jackie seemed to be the only one that didn't believe Fred. This argument went on for about 20 minutes and nothing was settled. They both stuck by their stories. One thing we found out was that Alison finally quit her acting job that caused so much controversy last year. I guess she's currently unemployed.

• The Best Of Stern. 12/21/01.
  
  • Sal the Stockbroker's ''Gary is a Horse Tooth Jackass'' song parody to the tune of ''Santa Claus is Coming to Town''
  • Incubus performs ''Wish You Were Here''
  • Howard makes fun of intern Steve Grillo's answering machine message. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 11/15/96. Howard started goofing on Steve Grillo this morning because of his stupid answering machine message. The message had an audio clip of a Simpsons episode at the beginning and Steve trying to act cool at the end of the message. Steve said it's an inside joke between he and his friends. Howard was just curious about how many people would get the joke. Grillo said 80% of the people that call him would get it. I guess the other 20% just think he's stupid.
  • Howard talks to Daniel Carver about Tiger Woods. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 4/14/97. 6:55am. Howard and the gang were talking about this Tiger Woods kid who just won some big golf tournament. Tiger is a really young black guy who did something no other black man has ever done in a predominantly white sport. Howard thought it would be interesting to hear what KKK member, Daniel Carver, would say about that fact. Howard got Daniel on the phone and of course Daniel went nuts talking about how white people shouldn't play sports with black people. Daniel thinks that black people are animals and they shouldn't be around white people. Daniel also told Howard that he went out and saw Private Parts recently. The one part of the movie that Daniel pointed out to Howard was where his mother told him that he was ''...half negro..''. That must have stumped Daniel. It was quite a call..
  • Howard complains about Stuttering John's behavior in Los Angeles. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 3/11/97. 7:55am. Howard spent a good 45 minutes yelling at Stuttering John about his antics out in L.A. John was doing some things that were sort of inappropriate. He was lighting up his weed out by the hotel pool and then in a cabana that he hadn't paid for. Howard said that John had a whole scene going on with his fiance and his baby and a bunch of their friends. Then there was a bill for $500 that Howard got because the hotel people thought that John and his buddies were with Howard. Howard has come up with a new rule for work related trips. He says that no one is to bring their wife on any trip. The trip out to L.A. was for work and Howard thinks that John thought of it as a vacation. This conversation went on and on for way too long. John was home sick so he was on the phone the whole time. Howard let some listeners tell John what an idiot he is. John just doesn't get what he's doing wrong.
  • Corey Feldman and his father are reunited on Howard's special show from Billboard Live. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 3/6/97. 6:00am. Howard was broadcasting from California this morning. He's out there to do the Tonight Show with Jay Leno tomorrow night. He was doing the show live from Billboard Live which is some club out there. There was an audience for the show and I believe that most of them had to stand throughout the whole thing. There were phones hooked up so Howard could take calls and there were a bunch of people who stopped in to say hi. Corey Feldman was one of the first to show up. This wasn't any normal visit though. For some reason his estranged father was there with Latoya Jackson's ex manager Jack Gordon. Corey was very surprised and confused about the whole thing. Corey told stories about how his parents allegedly stole all of the money he made as a child star. His father denied most of the stuff though. It was all one big nightmare story.
  • Howard plays some celebrity interviews that Steve Grillo and Stuttering John did. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 4/8/97. 8:25am. (Clipped) Grillo also interviewed Jewel and Kurt Russell. They didn't stick around to answer anything good. After Howard played Grillo's stuff he had a couple of Stuttering John interviews to play. John got to ask about one question to each of his victims. He asked Matt Lauer something that just pissed him off. New York Governor George Patacki was asked ''Who are you?'' and walked away. Ann Curry from NBC news was also asked ''Who are you?'' but she stuck around for a few more.
      • ''Does Matt Lauer make you hot?''
      • ''Has Brian ever pinched your ass?''
      • ''Does Willard (Scott) scare you?''
      • ''Should Charles Grodin go wig less?''
      • ''Do you allow yourself to be photographed while on your period?''
      The woman stuck around for most of the questions but she wasn't too thrilled with them. Eventually she just walked away from John. It seems to be getting harder and harder for John to get an interview with anyone. Hardly anyone sticks around to answer his questions. The one person who actually stuck around for John't questions was Conan O'Brien. The funniest thing was that Conan was asking John questions and pissing John off. It was pretty funny. Here are some of John's questions for Conan:
      • ''Is it true Jackie Gleason dead gets better ratings than you alive?'' (referring to The Honeymooners reruns)
      • ''Is it in Andy Richter's contract that he has to stay fat?''
      • ''Who do you respect less, Letterman or Leno?''
      • ''Do women like men with red pubic hair?''
      • ''Didn't Bob Wright fire you?''
      • ''Are you going to fire your band soon?''
      • ''Did you ever have homo sex with Andy?''
      Conan was busting on John about his appearances on his show. John was asking why he hasn't been on lately and Conan said ''because we got Norman Fell, Mr Roper from Three's Company..'' Conan did good putting up with him.
  • Howard takes a phone call from an 11 year old who lit his mother's fart. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 3/26/97. 6:50am. This 11 year old kid called in to tell Howard a story about lighting his mothers fart with a match. He said that on New Years Eve he and his mother decided to try and light her fart. The kid stood behind his mother with the flame while his mother pulled down her pants and underwear. Keep in mind that the kid said his mother is fat. So she bends over and proceeds to pass wind. The fart catches fire, burns the kids hand and then catches the mother's pubic hair on fire. The kid said his mother was running around the house swatting at the burning pubic hair. What a story... Howard kept talking to the kid for a while and found out that his father is in a mental hospital or prison because he had molested young children in his industrial arts (wood shop) class. Howard also talked to the kids mother who was standing next to him while he told the fart lighting story. She gave Howard some of the details about the kids father and his trip to prison. The father was molesting 9 year old children. What a life this kid is having! Some guy called in claiming to be some kind of social worker or something. He said that what the mother had done could be considered as child abuse since he burned his hand. He even urged anyone who knows who this woman is to turn her in to the authorities. Kinda harsh for just burning a fart huh?
  • Howard awards Tiny Tim an F-Emmy award for his discussion about using Depends underwear.