Howard spent his birthday weekend with his kids but 2 of them were also sick. Howard said they all curled up under the covers and watched TV together.
On Sunday Howard watched the Giants game and enjoyed watching them crush the Vikings 41-0.
Howard also watched some of the dailies of the new season of ''Son of the Beach''. He said that guest star Joan Van Ark was great as BJ Cummings mother Ima Cummings.
Crazy Cabbie called in to talk about the Giants game. He's a Vikings fan so last week he was hoping his team would win. Today he said that they played well in that game.. even though they lost 41-0. Cabbie also said that his new woman was with him this morning so he ended up putting her on the phone with Howard. Howard found out that the two of them havn't had sex yet. She eventually told Howard that she massages him and gives him a ''happy ending'' but that's about it. Cabbie said he's found the woman of his dreams. Howard just laughed at that comment.
Cabbie and Howard ended up discussing the tailgate parties that go on in the parking lot of the football games. Howard called everyone who does that ''white trash''. Howard doesn't know how anyone can be into that. Cabbie told Howard that his boss Cane takes an RV to all of the Vikings games he can get to. Howard thinks that's nuts. Some people just stay in the parking lot and watch the game on TV. Cabbie said it's just being there that makes it great. An angry listener called in and yelled at Howard for commenting on something that he knows nothing about. Howard ended up arguing with the guy for a minute but then hung up on him. Not long after that someone called in and asked Howard if this was now the Cabbie show. Everyone seems to hate the guy. Howard decided that they might be right and got him off the phone. If you want to send some angry e-mail to Cabbie.. Here's his address: CrazyCab@hotmail.com.
Howard and Robin had a short discussion about who has a better orgasm, men or women. Howard thinks that it's women because for men it's just a one-second release of evil that's built up inside of them. Howard thinks that women get more enjoyment out of theirs. Gary came in and said he agrees that he just wants to get it over with for that one second of release.
Howard and The Losers will be taking on the Doug Flutie Band on Thursday. He said that The Losers will be playing the Cream song ''Sunshine of your Love'' against Flutie's ''Mustang Sally''. He said that Fred came up with the music and played a quick clip of it. He said they'll practice tomorrow live on the show.
Howard heard that the Backstreet Boys were going to be playing the Halftime show during the Super Bowl. He said that's really gay and doesn't think that anyone who watches football wants to see that. Stuttering John corrected him and said that the Backstreet Boys will be singing the National Anthem and Aerosmith and 'N Sync will be the halftime show. At least Aerosmith is a rock band that people want to see. He doesn't understand the 'N Sync thing though.
Howard also discussed the upcoming XFL football thing. He said he heard that some of the cheerleaders are skanks even though they're being promoted as being really hot.
Howard said he watched a taped copy of the new FOX TV show ''Temptation Island'' and it was very disturbing.. but he can't wait to watch the next episode. He said they do a very weird thing where guys vote the other guys off the island. He said it's kind of gay the way they do it. He'll be watching it though.
Robin told Howard how she almost drowned while she was snorkeling somewhere. She said she got away from the boat she was with and couldn't get back. She can't swim so Howard wondered why she would get away from the boat she was with. Robin said she didn't know that she'd gotten so far away. Luckily someone saw her and helped her out. They threw a line out to her and towed her back like a dinghy. Mike Gange had his own story to tell about almost drowning. He never learned to swim either. He said he went on vacation and people told him to wear a life vest and he'd be fine. As soon as he went in the water he sunk like lead. Howard suggested that they take professional lessons to learn how to swim for real. Gange said that Scott DePace offered to teach him but Howard said that's a bad idea. He should get a professional to do it. DePace said he could teach him as long as Gange trusts him.
Howard played the latest phony phone call from the Jerky Boys. This call is one where one of the Jerkys jerks around a guy who wants to join the Yankees. He pretends to be a booking agent and tells the guy he'll have to start out as a bat boy or a peanut seller. After the call Captain Janks called in and said that the Jerky Boys are over with and the call Howard played wasn't funny. Janks says that if Howard played any of his old calls they'd be funnier than this one. Another caller told Janks that he hasn't been doing anything for the show lately so he should shut up. Janks reminded the guy that he did a call last week. The guy said that call wasn't funny though.
A woman called in and said that the President of the Hair Club for Men, Sy Sperling, has been going around claiming that Howard is a member. Howard swears that his hair is his own and he doesn't even dye it. Howard said he doesn't get that Hair Club thing. It's supposed to be anonymous but Sy goes around telling everyone who's a member.
Howard got a copy of ''The Official Three Stooges Encyclopedia'' and found some interesting stuff. He mentioned that Larry had his arm burned by acid as a child. He had to have skin grafts done and the therapy for his arm was playing violin. He soon became a virtuoso and eventually met the other stooges. The Encyclopedia also has a lot of other interesting info. Howard said that Larry was born Louis Feinberg while Mo was born Moses Horowitz. He also read that Curly shot himself in the foot as a young child and the pain later led to his alcoholism.
Before he came in he had Benjy punch him in his stomach as hard as possible to prove that he's hard as a rock. Howard said that proves nothing though.
Elliott is always screaming about how he runs 16 miles in 2 hours every day. Howard noticed that he looked sweaty this morning so he asked about that. Elliott said that it's vaseline on his face, not sweat. He said he likes his skin to be soft. Howard also pointed out he bags under his eyes. Robin also picked up on a strange looking little finger on Elliott's hand. Elliott said that was from a car accident, not his diet.
Elliott has no medical training but he has written this manuscript about a healthy diet. He says he has read a lot of medical journals and dietary information.
This conversation was all over the place as usual. Howard would ask Elliott a question and he'd go off on a tangent about something we didn't need to hear. Howard tried to find out if he's really heterosexual like he's done in past interviews. Elliott says he's only into women but Howard thinks that he might be full of it. He thinks that Elliott's religious beliefs keep him from performing homosexual acts even though he'd like to make love to a man. Elliott said that his religious beliefs say he shouldn't wear women's lingerie also but that doesn't stop him. He said he loves chicks with big breasts and a big ass. Howard added that he likes them to have big balls also. The last time he made love to a woman was back in 1998 before he left his third wife.
Elliott was talking about the best foods to eat and mentioned Tofu as being an unrefined complex carbohydrate. Howard thought he was nuts. He also mentioned cantaloupe as being a cancer fighter and that's why he eats 3-4 of them a day. A couple of callers said he doesn't know what he's talking about. Tofu is a protein, not a carbohydrate according to a couple of callers. Elliott would yell at them and call them names so that you couldn't hear what they were saying anyway.
Howard found out that Elliott never went to school after 2nd grade. Elliott said that his parents kept him out but he didn't give out that info easily. Howard tried to find out why they kept them out of school but Elliott went into an explanation that would put an insomniac to sleep. He eventually said that his father was a nut and didn't care about his family and they were always moving around. That's why they never went to school.
Howard let a few callers try to yell at Elliott before wrapping up the segment. Elliott is making a couple of photos of himself available to everyone who wants them. One of them is a picture of him in his women's lingerie and the other one is him in his Jewish synagogue clothes. You can get yours by sending $5 to
Elegant Elliott Offen
72-11 Austin St.
Suite 281
Forest Hills, NY 11375
You can also get his manuscript, which has sold about 1600 copies, by sending $10 plus $3 shipping to the same address. Howard finally ended the segment when a caller said they were ready to commit suicide if they heard any more of Elliott.
There was one good thing that almost came out of this mess. Howard said at one point Fred was leaning over his amplifier adjusting stuff and his ass crack was smiling at everyone in the studio. Stuttering John went to get a camera but by the time he got back with one, Fred had pulled up his pants so there is no evidence. That broke up the tension so that no one killed anyone else.
Howard decided to give the rehearsal one more try after taking a commercial break. He said they were warming up during commercial and it wasn't going well. They tried to perform ''Sunshine of Your Love'' and it was just as expected.. awful. Howard, who still has a cold, couldn't sing. Well, he never could, but he was even worse today than he has been in the past. Fred's guitar playing was good but that was about it. Robin said that Howard's singing was the weakest link in the song. The music was fine sounding to her. Howard said he hates the song and he can't sing it. Howard said their only hope is to sabotage Doug Flutie's band. Howard listened to the tape of his performance and it was worse than he expected. He said he couldn't hear everyone in his headphones and it was hard to sing along. It was one giant mess. Howard conceded his win to the Flutie band already. He said he's done with The Losers from now on. He feels defeated already and he's just giving up.
Howard said he's ready to just give up on the whole trip. Gary said he can't schedule guests because they don't have a set plan yet and it's making them look like idiots. Howard said he's been so busy trying to get money for this trip that he hasn't even planned anything creative for it.
Howard said he watched the John Ashcroft controversy going on yesterday on TV. He and Robin spent a few minutes discussing that whole thing and how scary that guy is. Howard said because the guy is so religious, he doesn't smoke, drink or dance. He won't even sway when he sings in church.
Howard and Robin also discussed Bill Clinton and how he's getting a $5 million advance to write a book. Hilary got $8 million. Howard said that was a political payoff though and she won't be writing the book that we think she will. He said that it was his company that paid her for the book and he thinks it's just a payoff that will, hopefully, benefit him in the future.
Also in the news was a story about Cindy Crawford who just recently renovated her apartment in New York City. After the renovation her downstairs neighbor complained that she could now hear every noise from Cindy's apartment. Apparently they removed all of the soundproofing from the floor and now the neighbor is going to sue. Howard thinks that's great and loves the fact that it's Cindy Crawford.
The Super Bowl was brought up and Howard complained about the halftime show like he did the other day. Robin said that Tampa has a lot of strip clubs and they have a 6 foot buffer so that the patrons and strippers are separated. That means no table dances. One place, Mons Venus, doesn't care about the law and lets their strippers give table dances and people get arrested if they let it happen. Robin said a news report says that the NFL players have been warned to be careful around places like that so they don't get arrested. Tom Chiusano called in and said he went to Tampa and witnessed some of that going on in a club. He watched a guy having sex, dry humping anyway, with a stripper. Howard spent a few minutes talking about the Mons Venus name because he was under the impression that Mons Vernus meant the vagina. He was ready to start referring to vagina with Mons Vernus from now on until he found out that it's actually the skin above the vaginal area.
The second interview was with actor Joel Grey. He asked him ''Who are you?'' and ''What did you do that made you famous?'' which freaked the guy out. He didn't really answer the second one and his people had to console him and tell him that John was only kidding.
KC came in and asked if Howard would pick him or Benjy for his daughter. He went with KC but when it was between KC and Jackie, he went back to Jackie because he wouldn't want KC pissing or crapping on his daughter like he did to his own girlfriend. That led to a discussion about ''ass play'' or anal sex as most would call it. They spent a couple of minutes discussing that mess and why Gary's wife doesn't let him do it any more. Stuttering John revealed that Gary's wife goofs on him when they go out to dinner. She makes fun of him when he tells his stories and stuff like that. Howard said that just isn't right. He takes enough abuse at work, he doesn't need it at home too.
They got back to 'who would you let...'' when someone asked Howard ''Crazy Cabbie or Ralph?'' Howard said he'd go with Ralph on that one. Then it was between Gary's friend Ross or Ralph. Howard went with Ross. KC asked if Howard would rather have his daughter be a lesbian than sleep with any of these guys. Howard said he would prefer that so then it came down between Rosie O'Donnell and Oprah Winfrey. Oprah won out on that one. Howard said he's heard too many bad things about Rosie.
Howard had one last complication in the questioning. When he was asked to pick between Ross and Jackie he said he'd pick Ross but if he had to choose between Ross and Gary he'd go with Gary.. but then he wouldn't take Gary over Jackie. It was all too confusing for Howard so he gave up and went to commercial.
After the call Howard was making fun of how dull Jay sounded when he was complaining about how no one at the school is into the pep rally.
Brad said that he's been trying to get over Houston and he's been dating other chicks. He said he's finding it harder to score with them though. He said that since he's been with a porn star, the women are kind of hesitant about hooking up with him. Howard asked Brad if he ever had any ass play with Houston during their time together. Brad said that never happened which surprised Howard. He said that's ''..like going to Paris and not visiting the Eiffel Tower.''
Howard told Brad he'd try to get in touch with Houston and have both of them on the phone together to discuss this whole thing.
Howard said that yesterday's band rehearsal for The Losers was all a farce and they're actually prepared to beat Doug Flutie's band later this morning. Howard also heard that Doug's band is worse than he thought. He said that Doug is the drummer of the band and some of the reviews he's gotten aren't very good. One report said that Doug actually misses beats during songs.
A listener called in and said he was driving through Cincinnati yesterday and the discussion about anal sex was cut out and music was played instead. Howard can't believe they're starting that already. He apologized to the people of Cincinnati for the new affiliate's actions.
Howard and The Losers had another rehearsal this morning. They changed songs to T-Rex's ''Bang a Gong (Get it on)'' and they actually sounded pretty good. Not great, but not that bad. Howard said ''We are GREAT!'' and Robin said ''Well, lets talk about this..'' She said the sound was kind of muddy coming over the radio. Howard played back tape of the performance and it didn't sound that great to him either. The drum level was too high and Scott the Engineer's drumming was awful. Howard yelled at him for sucking so bad. Scott said he couldn't hear anything and that's why he couldn't keep a beat. Howard took a bunch of phone calls and they weren't all that negative. One guy said it sounded great. Others called in and said they could play drums better than Scott. Gary buzzed in and said that Scott's intern Joe is a drummer also. He came in and said that Scott wasn't all that bad. Howard told him to get out if that's what he actually thinks. He was just kidding though. He sent Joe over to the drums and had him play a bit. Two seconds in he was better than Scott. Fred gave Joe some quick advice and The Losers went at it again. This time the drumming was better, the levels were better and they sounded a little better than before. Howard said it was genius. Robin just said ''Oh, please''. She said the levels were still off a bit though. Howard said it's enough to beat Doug Flutie so that's all they need.
Howard had the two brothers pose for Robin and show her their penises. Robin said that she'd have to say that Mike has a better overall appearance. Bill also told Howard that he had a conjoined twin when he was born. It was an undeveloped twin that was removed from his neck. He said that it left him with extra organs like 3 livers and 2 urethras among other things. Howard wrapped things up shortly after Robin made her decision.
A listener called in and begged Howard to give him a trip. Howard suggested giving him a trip to New Orleans but ended up getting into a discussion about their trip there a couple of years ago. Howard said it was great getting chicks to drop their tops for beads. After a couple of minutes of that he took a break and came back to play a game with the caller.
First Howard yelled at Scott the Engineer for a few minutes for being such a loser. He was refusing to be a part of the band at all so Howard told him that he really is a loser and he should just play tambourine like he was asked to do. They went on and on about it for a few minutes and Scott may have come around.
The caller was still on the line so Howard decided to play a game of Hooters Girl Trivia where the caller has to guess if the Hooters girl can answer correctly. Howard played the intro for the girl and we found out that she's 18 years old and hasn't been to college yet. Her name was Lindy and she was Miss May in the Hooters Calendar. Howard told the guy he had to get 3 out of 5 correct to win. The guy just missed winning so Howard gave him 3 more.. and he lost again. Then Howard gave him one last chance and he got it correct. Here are the questions:
| Question | Caller Says | Hooters Girl Answer | Correct? |
| What is 10% of 200? | N | No idea | N |
| Is Australia a city or a continent? | N | Continent | Y |
| What country is the Eiffel tower in? | N | Paris, France | Y |
| What does a Proctologist examine? | N | No idea | N |
| How many seconds are in 3 minutes? | Y | Not good at math | N |
| In what state would you find New Orleans? | N | Louisiana | Y |
| What does a seismograph measure? | N | Don't know | N |
| The 3 states of matter are Solid, Liquid and.. | N | Gas | Y |
| NYPD stands for what? | Y | New York Police Department | Y |
Howard said that Doug made a phone call to Brother Wease up in Syracuse while he was in the green room. Doug said that Wease has been a good friend of his for quite while so he called in to the show this morning. Flutie also said that he's a very conservative guy and Howard scares him.
Howard introduced the three judges who were:
After the break Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to Doug before they performed. Doug gave his prediction for the Super Bowl too. He said it'll be Giants 17-10.
The Flutie Brothers then performed a song called ''Roller'' by April Wine. Howard gave them the use of the Scores dancers to make things fair. The Flutie Brothers sounded pretty decent but the song wasn't the best one to pick. The Judges seemed to agree. Chris Schwartz said that based on presentation he'd have to go with The Losers even though The Flutie Brothers were technically better. He said if he wanted to sell records, he'd have to go with The Losers. The Fluties were pissed and said that this was a setup. Howard then let John Tita give his evaluation. John said that The Fluties' vocals and guitar were great but, once again, The Losers had a better presentation so they got his vote. Last up was Michael Caplan. He also went with The Losers even though the Fluties played better. He said that Howard has ''it'' with his charismatic personality and that's what would sell records.
The Flutie Brothers were upset over the loss but Howard insists that this wasn't a setup. He then let the record company guys plug their stuff and let Doug plug his web sites FlutieBrothers.com and DougFlutie.org which will bring you to the band web site and the autism organization that Flutie has.
After taking another break Howard took a call from some other record company guy who said that one of the judges called him and said he wants to sign The Losers. Howard said he would never do that because they're making fun of these celebrity bands so it would be hypocritical of them to sign.
Howard let us know that the Las Vegas trip is on and they'll be broadcasting a show from the Hard Rock Hotel on Super Bowl Sunday. The next 3 days they'll be recording shows from the E! studios in Los Angeles and then the Playboy mansion on that Thursday.
Howard had some phony tapes of what it might sound like living under Cindy Crawford. Her neighbor recently complained that when Cindy had her apartment renovated they removed soundproofing from the floors and now she can hear everything. Howard's tapes had Cindy having sex, answering phone calls and practicing drums. He also had tape of phony Jesse Jackson speeches about his illegitimate child that were pretty funny also. Howard and the crew were talking about Jesse being a player but Howard said the real player is Al Roker, the fat weatherman over at NBC. Howard said that guy has had 3 wives and each one is hotter than the next. They spent a short time talking about how he has sex with women. Stuttering John thinks that if he were on top he'd crush the woman. Howard guesses that he just lies there while she gets on top.
Howard got to the game and had Fred go into his sealed chamber so he couldn't hear the questions he was about to ask Pat. Fred went off and Howard asked Pat 7 questions. Here they are with the correct answers:
Pat managed to get 4 out of the 7 correct in 32 seconds. He missed numbers 1, 5 and 7. Fred came in and got 6 out of the 7 correct in 33 seconds. He only missed number 6. Pat said that he has a 139 IQ but it wasn't working for him in today's game. Howard offered him a consolation prize of a trip to Las Vegas but he ended up turning it down. He said he'd just spend money if he went to Vegas so he gave it up for a watch instead. Howard told him he could get laid out in Vegas if he went to some whores. He wasn't interested though.
Howard spent a few more minutes just killing time talking about various things with Pat.
After that call Howard spent a minute talking about how Marilyn Manson and his girlfriend Rose McGowan just broke up. Howard thinks that he may have been one of the reasons. He told a story recently about how Marilyn had put his hand on his knee while he was talking to him while they were out to dinner. Howard thought it was kind of weird and gay.
Howard got a tape from the host of some show called ''Moral Court''. The woman, Vivian Goosman, made up this special tape just for Howard where she seems to be coming on to him. It's probably just a publicity thing but it was turning Howard on. He might have to have her on the show.
Howard took a bunch of phone calls from listeners and most, if not all, of the callers told Donald that he's gay and he should just admit it. Howard asked him what some of his fantasies were like. Donald told Howard about one he had where he and his neighbor were on a log raft floating stranded in the ocean. They were having sex as a ship passed them by and they just kept going at it. Gay! Howard told Donald there's nothing wrong with being gay and he should just admit that he is. Robin asked him if he's ever pleasured himself to the image of a man. Of course he has. He asked Howard if he's ever had gay fantasies. Howard said ''Lets put it this way.. NO!'' He said he never thinks about men at all.
Howard had a test for the guy to perform to see if he really is gay. He told him to take his pinkie finger and put it where the sun don't shine. After a few seconds he asked Donald how far in he'd put that finger. He said he had it up to the second knuckle. Howard told him that proves he's gay. Howard said he wouldn't be able to get any of his finger there. He'd only get as far as rubbing if anything at all. Howard went on for a few minutes trying to convince Donald to take his cell phone over to his neighbor so they could break the news to him but that didn't happen. Donald still refused to admit that he's gay. Howard told him to call back if he ever does do anything with his neighbor.
Howard and Jaime talked about Donald who was on earlier shoving his pinkie up his butt. Howard asked her if she'd ever be able to put a finger there. Jaime said that she's not a fan of that ass play stuff.
Howard got Mike Walker on the phone so they could get that out of the way. Mike said he saw Jaime in ''Poison Ivy 3'' and said there was a hot pool scene that he enjoyed. Jaime said she was also the body double for Drew Barrymore in the second Poison Ivy movie. Howard finally got Mike to play his gossip game so here's how it goes,, Each week Mike Walker, author of ''Malicious Intent'', calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. You can win money there also. Here are this week's stories:
Howard continued the interview with Jaime asking her if her breasts are real. They are but she said they were bigger when she was in high school. She said they used to be a ''plump C-cup'' but now they're a B-cup. She said that she just lost her baby fat a couple of years back and that's when they dropped down a cup.
Howard asked Jaime when she lost her virginity also.. and she didn't mind answering these questions. She said she lost it when she was about 14 but the guy she was with never finished because she was too tight for him. It wasn't a good experience for her.
Jaime said she was out of her house by the time she was 15. She got into modeling and moved to Japan for a short time but it was too overwhelming for her. She moved back to the states and stayed with a friend's family for a while. She told Howard that she didn't get along with her stepfather at the time so she got out of the house.
Howard told Jaime that he was playing with himself during the interview. She said that's okay and that she'd be worried if he weren't. He said he had 3 fingers going, referring to Donald's pinkie thing, at one point.
Jaime told Howard how she went from modeling to acting. She said she never had to do the casting couch thing with anyone and she never dated Scott Baio like so many hot chicks have. She said she doesn't really date famous guys either. She's more of a normal-guy type who likes to stay at home. But her boyfriend is one of her co-stars on ''Jack and Jill''.
She did have one interesting story to tell about Steven Seagal. She was in a movie with him and he came into her trailer one day. She was sick at the time and he was going to ''heal'' her with his wacky homeopathic medicines. He eventually got behind her to hit some pressure points on her back. She said he then slid his hands around the front and on to her breasts. She said she ran out and into another trailer. She asked another actor what she should do. They told someone about what happened and Seagal apologized to everyone but her. He wasn't allowed to touch her from then on. She really didn't like him and let that fact be known.
Howard took a few phone calls for Jaime before she left. One guy asked her ''Can you smear your veal on a tissue and mail it to me?'' He said he wanted to tape it to his nose and never take it off. There were a couple of others who asked her for her tampons and stuff like that.
You can see Jaime in ''Jack and Jill'' Wednesday nights at 9pm on the WB network. She'll also be in the movies ''The Adventures of Joe Dirt'', ''Tomcats'', ''Ticker'' and ''Poor White Trash''.