For The Week Of 8/21/2000 to 8/25/2000

• The Best Of Stern. 8/21/00.
  Howard's on vacation for the week so we're stuck with ''Best of''. Here's what we heard on today's show:
  • Red Peters ''Peen Itch'' commercial parody
  • Gary sings ''These Teeth Are Made For Chompin'' to the tune of ''These Boots Were Made For Walkin''
  • Howard plays phony phone calls made by Ponce de La Phone to Mike Ditka, Tommy Lassorda and one made using Robin's voice
  • Sting and his wife Trudy visit the show to promote Stings album
  • Howard upsets Jackie asking questions about his dead cat Timmy and whether or not he was ever found. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads..
    • 2-27-96. Early this morning Howard was talking cats with Robin and somehow brought up Jackie's retarded cat Timmy. Timmy had been MIA for the past few weeks, or so we thought. It turns out that Timmy was found dead in the woods where Jackie's friend said it was. Jackie was very reluctant to talk about the dead, retarded cat but Howard kept on digging. He asked if he buried the cat and where it was buried. Jackie told him that it's buried in their garden in the back yard. Poor Timmy. Eventually Jackie's wife called in and told them to knock it off. She said that it wasn't right to talk about their little family member like that. What a wacko!
  • Howard calls the Association for Retarded Citizens to explain his reasons for calling Gary a ''retard''
  • Howard plays tape of Stuttering John interviewing fans of Michael Jackson outside of Beth Israel hospital where Jackson was recovering from an illness
  • Howard complains about the engineering staff at the station and how they keep screwing with his microphone. He also talks about his General Manager Tom and how he's always goofing off in his office
  • Fran Drescher comes in to promote her book

• The Best Of Stern. 8/22/00.
  More reruns. Here's what we heard today:
  • ''Old Blue Eyes sings the songs of Jackie Martling'' commercial parody
  • Sheryl Crow sings ''My Man''
  • Howard's mother calls in asking for a part in his movie
  • Howard plays tape of his book reading contest then calls the winner
  • Robin's upcoming date with Dennis Rodman is discussed
  • Mike Gange and Steve Grillo continue to fight with Stuttering John about getting kicked out of his apartment. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads..
    • 2-22-96. Stuttering John, Steve Grillo and Mike Gange continued their arguing about Johns apartment. The boys still didn't want to get the hell out of John's apartment until Howard pounded some sense in to their heads. After a long and funny argument, Steve finally broke down and said that he'd move out next Monday. It seems that he may be moving in with a gay listener that offered to be his roommate for $200 a month, cheap for NYC. Gange was more stubborn. He wants to take the whole mess to the courts and fight it out there...something about squatters rights. F-Gange. Eventually he said that he'd move out by next Friday but I don't think that he was serious. We'll see.
  • Howard calls Scott The Engineer when he fails to show up due to poor weather
  • Howard talks to Steve Grillo about hitting on interns
  • Howard talks down a caller who's ready to commit suicide. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads..
    • 3-11-96. Some 42 year old guy called in crying saying that he wanted to die because his wife left him. Howard told him that it sure as hell isn't worth killing yourself over. How good could she have been. Howard asked the guy how much money he makes a year, the guy told him about $100,000! Howard told him that he should find some young woman and forget about his old woman. Howard said that he committed suicide when he got married and he should start living now! A 26 year old woman called in and said that she'd date him sight unseen. The guy wasn't ready for that though. The guy was fine within 10 minutes. I think the guy just wanted to get on the air.
  • Howard plays tape Stuttering John interviewing James Earl Jones, Renee Russo, Mel Gibson, Ben Gazara, Nicolas Cage and Sir Andre Previn. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads..
    • 2-27-96. Stuttering John was out again last night. His interviews get shorter and shorter every time he goes out. His 20 second interview with James Earl Jones was the first and there wasn't even any nasty questions! One was 'What did you get paid for saying 'This is CNN'? Not even offensive! Next up was Mel Gibson. John says 'When you wore the kilt in 'Brave heart' did your testicles shrink?' Okay so that was offensive to Mel and he tried to get away from all of the reporters but a couple of metal ashtrays got in his way...you could hear him knock them over. He also asked 'When are you gonna stop that Lethal Weapon crap Mel?' Ben Gazara was next. John asked a perfect question...'Who are you?' The guy handled it pretty good. Next we have Nicolas Cage who's brother works at K-Rock where Howard works. John says 'Why do you ignore your brother?' What John didn't realize was that Mark was standing behind Nicolas and was trying to stop John from asking the questions. Sir Andre Previn,Mia Farrow's ex-husband, went NUTS on John when he asked him 'Wh wh wh wh...Who are you' and 'Why is everybody so afraid to badmouth that cradle robber Woody Allen?' Andre responds- 'Oh get away from me, you and your jerky questions you bloody fool!'
  • Howard, wanting freedom from his meetings with management, plays songs including ''Freedom'' by Richie Havens, ''I'm Free'' by The Who and ''I Feel Free'' by Cream

• The Best Of Stern. 8/23/00.
  Here's what we heard on today's show:
  • Crackhead Bob History commercial parody
  • David Bowie performs ''I'm Afraid of Americans'' at Howard's birthday show
  • Andrew ''Dice'' Clay calls in after his failed CBS TV show is canceled. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads..
    • 3-12-96. The Dice man has returned to the Howard Stern Show after a long absence. Dice ran off to do a TV show on CBS a while back. While he was doing the show, the high-ups at the show told Dice to tone down a bit to fit in to the family oriented television network. So he avoided being ''The Dice Man'' for a while but couldn't hold out any longer. Dice told Howard this morning that the producers of the show would eventually write in his ''edge'' in to the character once the sponsors and audience were all there. Dice said that the show just basically sucked and the writing sucked. The promises that were made to him never came through so he just gave up on it. Dice called Howard a couple of months back to wish him a Happy New Year. Howard mentioned that fact on the air and Jackie made a stab at Dice saying ''..I wondered how long it would be until he came crawling back to the show...'' Well Dice didn't appreciate that comment and let that be known to Jackie today. He started in on Jackie about his making CD's in his basement and that he didn't know any comedian in the business for 20 years that made friggin CD's in his basement. Then he insulted Jackie's wife saying that she was ''pan-handling'' for him so that they could make a living. Jackie insulted Dice by making fun of his hair loss and his weight. Jackie's insults weren't really up to the level that they should have been. Jackie wasn't really trying too hard for some reason. Jackie also said that he was sorry that he had made the original comments. The feud went on for a couple of minutes. Dice is filming a special for HBO tonight, ''Assume the position'', that will air on May 10 at 10:00 pm. He says that he's going to bash Jackie in the show and it may end up on the special. Jackie doesn't care because his motto is ''Any exposure is good exposure''. Jackie said that people should go to the show and yell out F-Jackie. Later in the show Howard told Jackie that he could have busted on the guy for a ton of stuff other than his hair and weight.
  • Howard tells Robin how Mike Gange sent a porno tape instead of a Seinfeld tape to a sick friend of his
  • Ray Liotta calls in to promote ''Unforgettable''
  • Brett Saxon and Steve Stein promote their book ''How to Meet and Hang Out With the Stars''
  • A woman calls in to complain about Gilbert Gottfried. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads..
    • 3-21-96. Early this morning a woman called in to complain about Gilbert Gottfried. According to the woman, Gilbert goofed on the fact that her parents were in a concentration camp. She said that Gilbert was invited over to movie director Amy Heckerling's house for dinner. Amy has directed Fast Times At Ridgemont High and Clueless. Gilbert wouldn't pay for a cab so Amy's assistant went and picked him up. During the ride the woman was talking about being a German Jew and brought up the fact that her parents were in a concentration camp and when they got out they weighed 80 pounds. Gilbert, being the comedian that he is, asked her how he could go on a diet to lose weight like they did. He also talked dirty to the director's 10 year old daughter and said things that couldn't be repeated on the phone. After hearing a bit of this story, Howard got Gilbert on the phone to verify the story. It turned out to be totally true. Gilbert continued his jokes about the holocaust while this woman was on the phone. The woman said that she went home and cried that night because of all the things that Gilbert said. Gilbert also verified the fact that the woman looks like Howard! Yuck!
  • Howard yells at Stuttering John about interrupting him while he was having a meeting with Gary
  • Howard goofs on Scott The Engineer for having an inhaler and how he's going to get cancer/Steve Grillo's uncle who has a cancer kazoo calls in to tell Scott not to smoke
  • Howard plays ''Pick the Jew'' to see if he can tell when he sees a Jew. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads..
    • 3-12-96. Howard says that he can pick out a Jewish person walking down the street just by looking at them. Well, they brought in about 7 people, picked off the street by Stuttering John, to evaluate. There was like 2 women and a bunch of guys. Robin, Jackie and Fred all joined in on the fun. Each one of the crew wrote down their guess' and read them off. Turns out that Jackie can pick out a Jew better than Howard! Jackie only got 2 wrong while Howard got 4 wrong! Robin came in with 5 wrong and Fred checked in with 3 wrong.

• The Best Of Stern. 8/24/00.
  Here's what we heard on today's show:
  • Crackhead Bob as the new lead singer of Van Halen commercial parody
  • The Losers perform ''Hurdy Gurdy Man''
  • ''Ball Buster'' commercial parody
  • Howard sings the Crash Test Dummies song ''Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm'' and sings some of the news to the same tune
  • Discussion about the Larry Amoros (Arsenio Hall Show) alleged ''Buttmaster'' incident
  • Howard complains about Fred and Gary's work
  • Howard takes questions from the audience for his upcoming interview with David Letterman
  • David Letterman comes in to be interviewed by Howard for the first time
  • Howard plays phony phone calls made by Ponce De LaPhone to ESPN, Donahue and a Star Trek call-in show
  • Howard and the crew perform ''The Sound of Morons''. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads..
    • 3-1-96. Today was the first run of ''The Sound Of Morons'' starring Howard, Gary, Scott the engineer, Stuttering John and Steve Grillo. Each one of these morons got a line or two to read and then a song to mangle. Howard was the first up. This wasn't rehearsed at all so it was very rough. The action takes place somewhere in the radio station... Howard starts by saying that he hates his job and he's got too much pressure on him. Then he breaks in to song, to the tune of that song in the sound of music... 'I'm sick of my job ....and the sound of morons...etc etc. pretty lame actually. Next up is Gary. He sings to the tune of 'Doe a deer a female dear' ... 'Dope it's what my boff calls me... re re re retard it's who I am... me I'm such an imbecile....fa fa fahoey... etc etc.' He was the best of the bunch. Scott come in next and fucks up his song BIG time. He couldn't sing along with the music and he was off key by a mile. Here's what he tried to sing... 'Cigarettes... Cigarettes...I'm so happy to smoke you ... round and white... packed so tight ... I'm so happy to smoke you... etc etc' then came Stuttering John who was dressed like a Hasidic Jew with a beard and a hat. He sang to the tune of 'If I were a rich man'....... 'If I didn't stutter...ah ah ah ah ah ah ... all day long I'd ma ma ma ma ...I sound like a friggin dope ... Oi!.... If I didn't stammer ah ah ah ah ah ... Smarter than Gary I could run the show! ... etc etc' Last but not least was Grillo who tried to sing to the tune of 'Dream an Impossible dream' ... 'I have an impossible job... I have an impossible Boss... etc etc.' My ears are still bleeding from Grillo's singing.
  • Howard and Gary play Trivial Pursuit. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads..
    • 3-13-96. Gary and Howard agreed to a trivia contest this morning. Howard thought that he's better than Gary. They decided to pull out Trivial Pursuit and go at it. Howard say's that he always chokes on the air, that would be his excuse if he lost. The first question was about the first movie produced with sound, Gary knew it. The next question was ''what type of betting is used in horse racing?'', Howard guessed ''Parlor Betting'', Gary came up with the correct answer of Paramutual betting. Okay, next question, what's the former name of JFK Airport, Gary couldn't pronounce the correct answer, Howard did Eidelweild!(or something like that) Next question... What future Georgia Governor chased 3 blacks from his diner in 1964, Howard couldn't answer, Gary couldn't answer. Score is now 2 to 1. ''What writer was nicknamed PAPA?'', Howard said ''Nick Nolt'' Gary answered ''Ernest Hemingway' Correct. Next question ''What building built in 1897 contains 327 miles of bookshelves?'', Howard answered ''The Smithsonian'' Gary came up with the correct answer of ''The Library of Congress''. Next question ''What was the infamous pseudonym of William Bonnie?'', Gary answered ''Clyde Barrow'' Howard thought the same thing. The correct answer was ''Billy the Kid''. Next question... ''What cleaned like a white tornado?'' Howard knew the answer of ''Ajax'' And the next question ''What was the name of Superman's dog?'' Howard knew the answer of ''Krypto'' Howard rubbed it in the face of Baba Booey who didn't have a clue to the answer. Score 4-3 Gary in the lead. Science question ''What do Gorillas do when they get nervous?''. Howard said ''They Pee!'' Wrong...Gary's answer ''..They play with themselves?'' Wrong. They beat their chests. Okay score is still 4-3. Another science question ''what was the first apollo mission to orbit the moon'' Gary answered ''Apollo 7'' wrong , Robin started to say the answer and stopped mid sentence. Howard said he was guessing when he said the correct answer ''Apollo 8'' The argued about it and dropped the question. Next question ''Who left the mystery of Edwin Drood unfinished?'' No one knew the answer ''Charles Dickens''. Yet another question ''what movie featured the characters Charlie Alnut and Rosie Sayer?'' Howard didn't know, Gary didn't either. The Jokeman knew ''African Queen'' . Next ''What mountain erupted to destroy Pompei'' Gary got it with '' Mount Vesouvious'' Howard wanted a fair match off so they brought the score up to 5-4. Almost the Last question ''who moderated the first Nixon - Kennedy debate'' Howard got it with ''Howard K Smith''. The last question ''What US city was called the birthplace of the skyscraper?'' Gary says ''New York'' Howard said ''Chicago'' Correct and that was the win for Howard.

• The Best Of Stern. 8/25/00.
  Here's what we heard on today's show:
  • ''Beetlejuice for Senator'' commercial parody
  • Foo Fighters perform ''Learn to Fly''
  • ''Howard Stern, King of Fitness'' commercial parody
  • (MC) Hammer visits the show
  • Hammer and Howard play guess who's the Mystery Guest - Michael Cain
  • Stuttering John interviews homeless people during Black History Month. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads..
    • 2-29-96. Stuttering John had some tape for Black History Month to go through today. This must have been left over from a couple of weeks ago when he went down to the Port Authority and interviewed some homeless guys. These homeless guys are great. One guy took the dollar bill that John gave him for the interview and wrapped it in his comb somehow and played it like a kazoo while singing! Another guy was making all kinds of wacky grunts and noises.
  • Stormin' Freley visits Johnnie the Retard in Ohio. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads..
    • 3-12-96. Some listener from Cleveland volunteered to go visit this guy Johnnie who's been in the news lately for waving to cars. This guy Johnnie has the mentality of a 7 year old and his only enjoyment is waving at the cars that drive by on his street and honk at him. Howard was curious to see how many people actually honk at this guy so he sent off Stormin' Freley with a cellular phone. Stormin' got to Norton Ohio but no one was around he drove around for a little while and stopped at Johnnie's house. Then as Stormin' got out of his car, Johnnie appeared! Stormin tried to talk to Johnnie but he didn't say much. As Stormin was trying to talk to Johnnies neighbors you could hear the horns blowing in the background. People were also yelling out F-Jackie! as they drove by. Stormin gave the phone to a few of Johnnie's neighbors and they told Howard that they were just fine with the car honking. One neighbor that refused to be interviewed, is against the cars honking every day and has tried to stop it by putting up a sign that says there's a noise ordinance in the area. That sign made the honking worse! The sign was eventually taken down. Stormin eventually got the address of the Mayor and went to visit him. Howard asked the Mayor how he felt about all this commotion, he said that there's no laws being broken and nothing can be done. Apparently the town that Johnnie is from is way out in the sticks and they don't even have water and sewer hookups. Howard found out that the Mayor only makes $9000 a year for his duties. So the honking will go on...Long live Johnnie the retard!
  • Robin and Fred argue with each other about nothing important
  • Stuttering John interviews Johnny Cochran. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads..
    • 3-8-96. Stuttering John went to a Johnny Cochran thing at Nassau Community College yesterday. John's first question to Mr. Johnny was ''would you have represented Hitler for the right price and what do you feel about people that beat their wives?'' The audience realized that it was John and some started to cheer, some booed him as Cochran tried to answer the questions. Johnny's answer ''I don't think anybody should beat their wives... I think it's wrong...I'm the founding chairperson of the domestic violence council in Los Angeles county... with regard to Hitler I guess you're asking me would I represent anyone ...no I can pick and choose who I represent in a free society...'' After John asked his questions he wasn't allowed to ask another so Doug from E! was there with John. John made Doug go up and ask the next questions. Doug's first questions... ''...Pleasure to meet you.. How do you feel about married men who have affairs with women and impregnate them?'' Johnny's answer ''well I think that we all make mistakes and I think that you should pro'lly refrain from that if you can keep from doing it..'' Some guy behind John was going nuts when he heard the questions. Next question from Doug ''...would you let your own daughter date O.J.?'' Mr Johnny answers ''...He is in his 40's and my daughters are in their 20's so I would pro'lly encourage them to date someone more their own age...'' Some guy then started pushing Doug away from the microphone but he got one more off... ''...any strange things happen during the trial like did you ever smell alcohol on F. Lee Bailey's breath or did pictures of Marcia Clarke naked get passed around or did any of the female jurors ever send you love notes?....just curious...'' The audience is ohh'ing and ahh'ing through all of this. Johnny didn't answer that one and Doug was moved away from the microphone. John decided to yell out another tough one.. ''where was O.J. going in the Bronco with the disguise the cash and the pistol?'' No answer until later when John went up to Johnny and put the mic in his face. Johnny told John that it was a stupid question and said not to ask him something like that. John asked yet another question ''...is Arnel Simpson a 'piece' or what?'' Johnny ignored that one also. John yelled out a couple more without response ''did you ever see small animals nesting in Robert Shapiro's eyebrows?'' ... ''did you ever send a thank you card to Mark Furman?''