Cabbie told Howard a story about what people are willing to do for money. He was at a Yankees game that got rained out this weekend and somehow they challenged this guy to drink some of the water that was running down the bleachers at the stadium. Cabbie said the water was almost black with dirt, chewing tobacco juice and other crap. This guy they were with actually said he'd drink a 16 oz. cup of the stuff if everyone gave him $20.. for a total of about $80. Everyone agreed and the guy drank it. The guy owed someone else about $180 so the money was gone before he even got it.
Howard told Robin about his night out at the Penn and Teller show on Friday. He went with a few friends and even Cabbie. He said that some woman came up to him before the show and told him that she was Gilbert Gottfried's date. Gilbert showed up a short time later and was dressed in shorts, white socks and bad shoes. Howard said once they got inside he saw Michael J. Fox, his wife and kid. Gilbert came up to Howard at one point and just starred at him for a minute. Howard said they had nothing to say to each other so Howard told him to go sit down. He said it's very awkward for the two of them to see each other outside of the show.
Howard said that Penn tends to ramble on during his show but Howard hardly noticed because he was too busy watching Michael J. Fox. He said he feels really bad for the guy because he's really nice and he's a mess with the Parkinson's disease. He said Michael actually spoke to him and he felt like giving him a hug because he feels so bad for the guy. He also said that it was a real distraction to have him at the show because he couldn't stop looking at him to see if he was shaking.
On Saturday night Howard went over to his friend Pat's house to watch a hockey game. He said he was drinking beers with Pat and trying to keep up with the game. He said he just couldn't get into it though. Howard said during the game Pat would change over to ''Private Parts'' which was being shown on the USA Network. He said there were a couple of hot women there and he felt that he looked like crap in the movie so he wasn't that thrilled to be watching it in front of them. He had to leave early when his daughter called him to help her with something. He went home drunk to give her advice on something.
Howard spent a few minutes talking about what a mess the city becomes when they hold this Puerto Rican Day Parade. He said the streets were a mess this weekend after the parade. There are parts of the city that actually board up the fronts of their buildings so that the Puerto Ricans don't urinate on them. Robin said she had a problem getting in a parking garage when a group of 7 Puerto Ricans just stood there in her way. They finally moved when they realized who she was. Howard said that he has friends that just leave the city when the parade is going on because it's too scary for them. Howard read an article that said there were 3 stabbings in the city during the parade but they don't link it to the parade for some reason. There was also an incident where a French woman was stripped down by 15 guys and drenched with water while walking down the street with her husband. That's scary.
Howard was hanging out with his daughter Emily and her friends this weekend because Emily was appearing in some play. He said that Emily told him that he was looking cool that day so he was feeling pretty good about himself.. until her friend told him that he had a booger hanging from his nose. They were walking down the street and he was trying to figure out how to get it out of there. He said it wasn't a dried up booger either, it was a big wet one. He said that had never happened to him before in his life. He tried to get Emily to help him out but she didn't really want to. He somehow got rid of it.
Howard spent a minute talking about how the cops are pissed at Bruce Springsteen for singing a song about the ''41 Shots'' that killed Amadu Diallo. The cops are now saying that they may not do security for his upcoming shows in the New York area. Howard thinks that's good for the cops and said that Bruce should just shut up and not sing the song. Later in the show Howard played a little bit of the song (pulled off Napster.com) but it was so bad that he gave up on it after a minute. He said that the song should be called ''I'm a Pussy'' because the guy never has to go out on the streets himself and he has no idea what cops have to deal with.
Mike said he's still on probation so he had to get permission from his Probation Officer to come to New York. Howard asked him how much he was making while he was book making. Mike said that the Feds told him that he was doing about $900,000 a month in business. He didn't want to say how much he got to keep because he's still in legal battles with the IRS.
Mike told Howard more about the radio contest he'd entered with the station down in Austin. He said he went in 2 hours after getting his tattoo to show the judges at the station what he'd done to be considered the biggest Stern fan in Austin. They looked at it and said that he should be the winner. When the contest winners were announced his name wasn't mentioned. Mike said he called the station and someone told him that he didn't win because the station manager had already promised the grand prize to someone else. Howard thought that was a little libelous so he said that it was just what Mike thought he heard and it might not be the true story. Mike said that you can see his tattoo at YellowRoseAustin.com and that Larry at Atomic Tattoos in Austin did the work. Howard gave Mike a prize for his insanity since he'd lost out on the contest in Austin. Howard gave him a trip for 2 to some Maxim Magazine photo shoot, location to be announced later, courtesy of ''Fight Club'' the movie. Mike will have to get permission to go on that trip also.
Violent J went on to tell Howard about this Eminem situation. He said that it was actually their manager Doug E Doug who almost had a problem with Eminem. According to ICP Doug was at some place getting a stereo installed in his car and Eminem saw him there. He apparently pulled out his unloaded gun and dropped it on the ground. By the time Eminem was done fumbling around with the gun Doug was in his car on his way home. That was basically the whole story. Shaggy 2 Dope said that if he were there he would have slapped the gun out of Eminem's hand, picked it up and used it to pistol whip him. They said that Eminem is too much of a pussy to use the gun to actually shoot someone so he carries it unloaded. They went on to goof on Eminem for a few minutes saying that he's just a joke and he's trying to be a gangster but it ain't working.
Howard also brought up the other story about Eminem where he was arrested for carrying the gun when he went to spy on his wife to see if she was cheating on him. The guys in ICP said that she was getting banged at the club but Eminem didn't see that happening. Howard had to hit the delay because the story is probably not true and he doesn't want them getting sued.
Howard took some phone calls for the guys and it was a mix of people who either hate them or love them. Someone brought up a movie that they did which is going straight to video next month. The guys will probably be on the show to promote that in about 3 weeks. The other calls were either kissing the band's ass or telling them that they suck. One guy brought up a song that they'd done about Eminem called ''Slim Anus'' which is an underground song that they put out. They took Eminem's song ''Slim Shady'' and changed the words to goof on him. Howard asked the guys to download it from Napster.com for him but they didn't get it done fast enough. The guys challenged anyone who bashed them to say it to their faces like they've done many times in the past. They say that people are always tough on the phone or on the web but when they get in their faces they pussy out. Howard kept taking calls waiting for a positive one to go out on but the last few were really negative. He eventually gave up on the calls and let the guys go.
Later in the show he had the ''Slim Anus'' song to play. He played it and it really is funny. They changed a lot of the words in the song ''Slim Shady'' to make him sound like he's gay.
Howard was tired and grumpy this morning because he spent 3 hours in the car driving out to see his kids out on Long Island yesterday. He can't believe the amount of traffic that was out on the Long Island Expressway. Gary suggested that he take a helicopter out there instead of the car. The only problem is where to land the thing. Howard said he doesn't know of any place close to his old house that would be ideal for landing.
High Pitch Erik called in to remind everyone that he'll be losing his virginity on RealPornWorld.com later today. Howard told him he didn't care and hung up on him. He was fooling around with the porn star on the web this morning but Howard said it was way to early to watch that mess.
A 21 year old stripper claiming to look like a tan Mariah Carrey called in and said she'd like to have sex with Howard. Just one time though. She said she'd fly in and bang him then leave. Howard thought it sounded pretty good but then she said she'd have a story to tell all of her friends. Howard wants a woman who will keep her mouth shut.
Howard read an article about a high school volleyball coach up in Canada who may have had sex with up to 15 of her male students. The problem that the police are having is that none of the kids want to complain about it. Howard just wanted to point out the difference between guys and girls. If that was a male teacher he'd be locked up in jail because the girls would complain. Some of the guys were interviewed and just smirked when they were asked about the sex.
David Allan Grier
Howard said that Freddie was kind of a geek in school because he was way into comic books and stuff. Freddie says he still is and also enjoys playing Playstation games. Howard told him that he got out of the video game thing when he was in his late 30's but he still reads comic books. Freddie thought that was pretty cool but Robin told him that he's still young enough that it's okay for him to say that. It's not okay for a 46 year old guy according to Robin.
Howard kept going back to Sarah Michelle Gellar. He said that the kisses on the MTV Movie Awards were way too long but Freddie didn't think so. Howard told him he should watch the show to see it himself. Howard asked him if he got a boner while he was kissing her. Freddie said that he did and that's why he wasn't up on stage with her. He stayed in his seat to hide his arousal.
Actor Jason Biggs, who co-stars in ''Boys and Girls'', showed up a little late this morning. He came in for a few minutes. Jason was the lead kid in ''American Pie''. Howard said he looked a little thinner than he has and was almost unrecognizable. Jason said he gets a lot of that now that he's lost weight. The controversy about Shannon Elizabeth's breasts was still brewing so Howard asked him if he thought they were real or not. Jason said he wasn't sure. He didn't get to touch them during the filming of the movie but he did see them. Freddie mumbled softly that they've got to be fake. Howard also asked him if he thinks she's lying about her age. He said he's really not sure about that. Howard has heard that she may be 26 but she says she's only 23.
Freddie told Howard that his new movie ''Boys and Girls'' is kind of a ''When Harry Met Sally'' type of movie. There's no nudity in the movie. There's only bra scenes. Howard took a couple of calls for the guys but had to rush through them so Freddie could go to other shows. Howard also asked Freddie if Sarah is mad at the show because she hasn't been on in a while. He said she's not but Gary said he's been trying to get her on for a year and a half but she refuses to do it. Freddie swore that she doesn't have a problem though. Howard wrapped it up by asking Freddie if he learned not to do drugs from his father's experience. Freddie said he doesn't smoke weed but he does drink once in a while. Jason said he has smoked weed though. He didn't learn from Freddie's father.
She told Howard that she's not working at this time but she does have pictures of herself on 2000Butts.com in a bikini. She warned Howard that her implants were only a week old. She wanted to know if they're too small. She told Howard that she's 5'7½'' tall. Howard asked her if she's always been a woman for some reason.. She said she has. Howard had her take down her top to show her breasts. She told him that she started out at a B-cup and is now like a D. Gary came in and helped Howard evaluate the implants. Both of them said they look pretty bad. She had them inserted under the breast so there are still stitches there. Howard told her that they don't do it that way these days. They usually go in through the nipple and there are no scars that way. Gary also said that they're two different sizes. One looks like a C-cup and the other looks like a D. He also said they were too high up and were misshapen. Howard found out that she had them done in Birmingham, Alabama and that explained it all to him. He told her she needs to get them done by a pro in New York. She later told Howard that the reason the Dr. went in underneath was because she'd had implants done before and they were done that way. She only paid like $2800 for them. Howard said that when you get a good job done they cost around $6000. Howard said they're not horrible and he's seen worse but there's no way she'd get in Playboy like she wants to. Gary also said she has some flab on her stomach that she needs to get rid of. She said she hasn't been able to work out for a week or so and that didn't help. Robin asked ''Not working out for a week has done that to you?'' Howard told her that she's beautiful and should marry her boyfriend and forget about Playboy.
Stuttering John's tape was shorter and he barely stuttered in that one. He explained to Howard how and when he stutters. Howard told Robin that when he heard that John stuttered he told Gary to hire him before he even knew anything else about him.
In the Jackie tape the first thing he did when he was on the air was plug an appearance he was making. He's been plugging constantly ever since.
Howard didn't say exactly when each of these tapes took place and didn't really spend much time with them.
Erik eventually called in and said ''What's up?'' in his Mickey Mouse sounding voice. Howard quickly responded ''Not you!'' referring to him being unable to get it up for an hour and a half. Erik went on to tell Howard that he actually lost his virginity last night. He says that Cabbie is lying and he didn't give oral to the porn star and he did have actual intercourse with her. He's supposed to come in on Friday to watch the tape with Howard. Someone who was helping out the E! crew at the shoot called in and said that Erik did have intercourse but it only lasted about ''5 to 10 strokes''. Erik said that was right so that means that he lost his virginity. Everyone still thinks he's gay though. Someone also said that the porn star offered to use a strap-on dildo on Erik and he agreed to it but later backed out of the offer. Howard told him that that's really gay and he should have just said no right away if he was straight. We should find out more on Friday when he comes in.
Stuttering John came in and the subject changed to his hemorrhoids. He thinks they've cured themselves overnight but Howard doesn't believe it. John wasn't looking forward to taking a crap this morning. He said that he knows it's going to be a nasty one. Then KC said that he's had green craps and thinks that it's a sign of dehydration. Howard told him he's nuts. There were a lot of delay button hits during this conversation so it was hard to keep up with it. Robin said that the green color is from what he ate, not from dehydration. Someone said that perhaps he ate a leprechaun.
The guys first performed their new single ''It's My Life'' which sounded great. Howard said the video is great also. He spent a couple more minutes talking to the guys after that song. They were on ''Late Show with David Letterman'' last night and performed their song on the roof of Letterman's building. Howard took a couple of phone calls and let some people kiss the band's ass.
There were two fans who were invited down to the studio to meet the band. Tom and Jennifer asked to meet the band and Tom actually dressed in a bra and bikini bottom to be wacky enough to get in. Howard told Tom that he just looked ''vile'' standing there in his bra. Tom and Jennifer said they've been fans for a long time and just wanted to meet the band. Howard let them sit in during Bon Jovi's performance of their song ''You Give Love a Bad Name'' and they were thrilled. Once again the band sounded great. Howard was wrapping things up and asked Richie about the talk-box he uses for the new song. Richie played with it for a minute showing Howard how it works.
Howard moved on to talk about how he saw Darva Conger's Playboy pictures. He said she was pretty hot. Someone put the pictures out on the web even though they haven't been in the magazine yet. Howard said Darva will be on the show in the near future.
Howard also complained about being tired from his new workout routine. He told everyone how he's doing these wind sprints and it's wearing him out. He said he has to go to bed at like 4 in the afternoon because he's so worn out every day. He said that one day he does four 440's in a row running as fast as possible. The next day he'll do 2 1000 meter runs the same way. He said he has to wait for his pulse to drop down to 120 before he starts the second run.
Gary came in and changed the subject telling Howard that while KC was talking about his gay float thing the people at iWon.com called and offered KC another $2000 if he'd get on the float. KC said that it's a lot of money but still didn't want to do it. Gary told KC that everyone on the show does stuff they don't really want to do but they just do it. KC really needs the money but he was still very reluctant to do it. Howard finally just said to KC ''You are dumb!''
Bloated Attorney Dominic Barbara called in and offered up another $1000 if KC would let Ralph sit on his lap on the float. KC turned that down right away. A bunch of callers, including Crazy Cabbie, called in and told KC he should just take the money and do it. Eventually he broke down and agreed to do it for the total $3000. He's getting $1000 from the people at WCKG in Chicago to and the other $2000 from iWon.com. General Manager Tom Chiusano came in late and said that he'd give KC another $1000 if he'd agree to do it. He didn't realize that KC had already agreed to do it. He just gave away another $1000 for no reason. Gary told Howard that Tom has been very generous lately and he doesn't understand it. He said something must be going on because he's been saying yes to quite a few things lately that he normally wouldn't. Tom says that there's nothing strange going on though.
KC told Howard that he's going to take $500 of the money to be on the horses. He thinks he can turn it into more money. Howard thinks he's crazy to do that also. Once he agreed to ride the gay float it was time to goof on him again. Jackie and Howard both joked about it to make him feel like he'd made the wrong decision. They started calling him Gay-C.
Howard quickly got to the breakup that he wanted to talk about. It turns out that Kylie doesn't consider this guy Marcus as a boyfriend. She told Howard that they had sex a lot but they weren't exclusive with each other. They lived across the street from each other and hung out often but she kept saying that he wasn't a boyfriend. He's now with Pamela Anderson. Kylie said that he was good in bed.. very good. Kylie said that she doesn't want an exclusive relationship with anyone. She wants to date whoever she wants to. Howard thought that she was going out with Basketball player Jason Williams but she said he's married and she doesn't go out with married guys. Kylie told Howard that she has a lot of guy friends because she gets along with them better.
Howard noticed that Kylie had sparkles on her belly and couldn't get over how good she looked. He asked her if she ever gets sick of guys coming on to her out on the streets. She said that she actually enjoys hearing the comments from people on the street.. as long as they're not grabbing her breasts.
Howard also received word that Kylie had Hepatitis so he asked her about that. She said she had it about 2 years ago but it's not the type that sticks with you forever. She got Hepatitis A while she was down in Australia. She said it can be passed along by people who have ''doodie hands'' after using the bathroom.
Howard soon got back to the Marcus story and asked her if he'd broken up with her. She told Howard that she was the one who broke up with him. She said that his personality had changed and she didn't want to deal with it so she broke off the relationship. She said he wasn't fun to be with anymore. She told Howard that Marcus gave her many orgasms when they'd have sex and they'd sometimes have anal sex. Howard kept asking her about the anal and Gary really enjoyed hearing her say that she enjoys anal. He had Howard ask her one more time for him.
Howard found out that Kylie doesn't smoke weed or drink alcohol and she doesn't vomit to keep herself thin. He also found out that Kylie shaves all of her body hair. She told Howard that she hates hair on her body and keeps herself looking like a little girl. Howard said that every answer she gave to his questions today were the correct ones.
Kylie is appearing in the new movie ''Boys and Girls'' which opens this Friday. She'll also be appearing in Playboy magazine this fall.
Howard also got a call from the owner of ''Completely Bare'' which is a hair removal service in New York. Howard went one time and said it didn't work on his hairy arms. The woman told Howard that she promises him that if he goes all 4 times that he needs to, the hair will be reduced quite a bit. She wouldn't promise him that it would be gone for good though. Howard hates body hair and wants it gone from his arms and belly. Scott Einziger from E! came in and told Howard he'd go with him to get hair removed. Scott has tons of hair on his body that he wants removed. Howard told him that he can try it out first to see if it works. Howard doesn't want to go during the summer because you're supposed to stay out of the sun during the procedures. Howard eventually said that he doesn't even know why he bothers with any of this because when all is said and done he still looks like crap.
All of this led to everyone coming in to share stories about their experiences in the 'Scouts. Knoah the intern said that he had a scout master who ended up hanging himself after someone accused him of molesting a boy. Jackie had a camp counselor who offered to give him money for sex and a bunch of callers had various stories about nightmarish Scout experiences. The 18 year old said that those are just a few bad experiences and that their Masters are screened. Gary told the kid that it's very hard to screen someone. He would know because he's been doing it lately. He said he can check locally but someone can come from another state and you won't know what they did. The kid had told Howard that he used the knowledge of CPR that he'd learned in the Scouts to try and save his grandfather. Unfortunately he died at the hospital. Howard later told the kid ''Go do CPR on your grandfather, and do it right this time.'' Why the kid brought that story up remains a mystery because he didn't save the guys life.
Howard was bitching about how he's hated by his own company again this morning. He mentioned that Les Moonves from CBS is a phony and really hates him but he wouldn't say why he's thinking that. He was very cryptic about the whole thing and when Stuttering John asked him what he knows he wouldn't give him an answer.
After the song Howard got some mixed reviews over the phone. Some people hate the song because it's like a funeral dirge. Others were calling in saying that it was starting to get better as they practiced more.
Everyone seemed to agree that Scott is a week link in the band so they're going to try and teach him how to play better. Stuttering John said that Doug from E! claims that he can play so he may sit in for a session and show Scott what to do. They also suggested that he listen to some Motley Crue and Metallica songs to get some ideas on how to play.
Sandra told Howard that she heard The Losers playing earlier in the show and thought that they didn't sound all that bad. Howard told her how the whole thing came about and how Russell Crowe has his own horrible band. He ended up playing a part of one of Russell's songs for her and it was really bad. It may have actually been worse than The Losers! Sandra said she met Russell one time and he was kind of cold to her. She thinks he's a decent actor though.
Howard got back to the party discussion and asked Sandra to invite him somewhere. Sandra told him that she's hosting some Fashion industry awards show so Howard said he might want to go. The event starts at 8:30 tonight but it sounds like Howard may want to go. Sandra said she'd set everything up for him. It took Howard a while to make the decision but he seems to want to go to the thing. He wanted to know what celebrities will be there but Sandra wasn't really sure who would be there. Howard spent a little bit of time talking to Sandra about her 2 year old daughter and how she's going to break the news to her that she's bi-sexual. Sandra didn't really say how she'd break that news. Howard asked her how she'll react if her kid comes up to her and tells her that she's going lesbo. Sandra said she probably won't just come up to her and tell her that but if she does she'll just tell her to be with someone who will treat her right and not abuse her.
Howard took a few phone calls for Sandra before she left. One guy told Sandra he just can't stand to see her on TV and has to change the channel when he sees her on it. She didn't really care though. Another guy told Howard that he saw Sandra in a bathing suit somewhere and it looked like she had a bulge down below. Howard thought he might be thinking that Sandra is a man or something but he was thinking that she might just have a large genital area. Howard said that perhaps she just has a large bush in there.
Before Sandra left Howard asked her a couple of questions about who she would pick if she was stuck on a deserted island...
Gary came in at one point and told Howard that he heard a story about Dr. Finkel confronting one of those religious freaks who was picketing his clinic. Gary said that Finkel went up to one of the guys and said something like ''I can't wait for your wife to get pregnant so I can stick my hands in there and pull out the fat fetus that you created..'' The Dr. Said it wasn't exactly worded like that but Gary said that was the gist of it. The next day the protester was wearing headphones so he wouldn't have to hear any more of the Doctors thoughts.
Dr. Finkel also said that he has gone out side of his clinic holding up his velvet Elvis to the protesters Jesus signs. He tells them that Elvis is his God and it pisses them off. Gary said that the local police have asked Dr. Finkel to lay low so he doesn't cause a problem. Dr. Finkel is proud of what he does so he doesn't lay low. Dr. Finkel also told Howard that he usually gets abused by radio show hosts so this was a nice change for him.
Howard wants to hold a parade for Dr. Finkel. He said he wants to put him on a float and run him through the streets of New York. The Dr. was flattered and said he'd fly up for it.
Howard took a few phone calls for the Dr. before he left. Most of the callers were for the Dr.'s work but there were a couple of people who disagree with Howard's views and think that what Dr. Finkel does is just wrong. One guy argued that Howard was once a fetus and Howard just responded that he wishes that he was aborted.
Howard said that he would like to dedicate a song to him as he was getting off the phone. He played Dave Grohl's acoustic version of ''My Hero'' as he got off the phone. The lyrics weren't exactly fitting but Howard didn't care. You can find out more about Dr. Finkel at DrFinkel.com