For The Week Of 3/13/2000 to 3/17/2000

• Robin's Car Trouble. 3/13/00. 6:05am
  Robin wasn't feeling too good first thing this morning. She told Howard that she had to leave her Range Rover in the middle of the street when she came in this morning. She explained how she ran into a store to get something and when she came out the metal part of her key had fallen off somewhere and she was unable to find it. She had no way to start the vehicle so she called the dealer and told them the problem. She didn't wait around for the tow truck though. She sent down an intern to wait. Howard took a call from the tow truck dispatcher who said they wouldn't be able to get the tow until at least 7am. Robin said that by then the city will have towed it away because it's sitting in the middle of the street in a crosswalk.

  Howard's morning wasn't going so well either. The studio was getting hotter by the minute. Gary brought in a thermometer to see just how hot it was. At one point Howard said it was 94 degrees. Later in the show he said it was up to 100! He complained about it and said that he may have to walk out on the show.

  Howard spent some time talking about some other various things before Tim Stack came in. He said he finally saw ''Man on the Moon'' the last Jim Carrey movie. He said it was awful. Gary came in and agreed that it really sucked. Howard said Jim is a funny guy but he can't act.

  Howard also told Robin about his night out with Heather Locklear and Richie Sambora over the weekend. He hung out with both of them at a restaurant on Saturday night and had a great time.

• Tim Stack Comes In. 3/13/00. 7:15am
  Tim Stack, star of ''Son of the Beach'', came in this morning to hang out with Howard for a short time. ''Son of the Beach'', Howard's production company's first show, starts airing on Tuesday nights starting tomorrow on the FX Network. As soon as Tim came in Howard brought up his hair piece. They spent a couple of minutes talking about his wig and the hair plugs he's got. Tim wears a toupee in the show for a more youthful look. He's also had hair plugs done and spent a minute talking about how they do that. He said it's like a hair transfer. They move the hair from the back of your head to the front. Tim said he also wore a piece when he was doing his show ''Night Stand''. Tim has also done some other TV shows in his time. He was on a short lived show called ''Parker Lewis Can't Lose'' and even did an episode of ''Seinfeld''. He said he did the ''Seinfeld'' episode at the time when Howard was doing song parodies about Jerry dating a 17 year old girl. Tim said the people on the show were laughing at Howard's stuff but they couldn't let anyone see that they were laughing. Howard and Tim also spoke about his childhood and how Tim used to goof on a blind teacher he had. Tim says he used to pull out his penis in class because the teacher couldn't see it. Tim also went in to a story about why he moved out to Los Angeles. Back in the late 70's he was trying to get a writing job and sent some script to some people out there. He eventually got a call from NBC's Grant Tinker who told him he should move out to L.A. Tim took his advice and did it. He then tried to get some of his scripts bought but it didn't happen. Eventually, after writing a letter to Grant Tinker, he got a letter back basically telling him that he shouldn't beg for a job and he should be happy he's got his health. Tim kept the letter all of this time and showed it to Howard.

  Howard eventually got back to ''Son of the Beach'' and Tim explained how that all came about. He and a couple of his buddies came up with the idea after watching some old episodes of ''Police Squad''. Howard eventually became involved with the project after his agent Don Buchwald introduced the two of them. The show is already getting rave reviews from the press who have seen the first episode. Howard said they get even better after the first week.

• Hugh Hefner's Girlfriend Brande Roderick Comes In. 3/13/00. 8:05am
  Playboy model Brande Roderick came in this morning to talk to Howard about being one of Hugh Hefner's girlfriends. Before Howard could get into it with Brande he had to take a call from Alec Baldwin. Alec was calling in to defend his mother's breast cancer charity. Howard and Robin recently read an article in the New York Post that said the charity was used to buy a house for Alec's mother. Alec, in a very long and drawn out way, explained what was really going on with the charity and basically said the story was a bunch of crap. Howard kept bringing up Alec's wife Kim Basinger throughout the whole phone call but Alec didn't want to talk about her. Howard kept asking him what sex is like with her but Alec kept away from the subject as much as he could. After 5 or 10 minutes of that Howard finally got around to Brande.

  Howard immediately asked 25 year old Brande if her breasts were implants. Of course they are. She appears in the latest issue of Playboy and is also one of Hugh Heffner's 3 girlfriends. She claims that she sleeps with Heffner every night but when Howard asked her about some of the details she didn't have many answers. She told Howard how the two of them met at a club out in California and eventually started dating. Heffner then added two more girls to his girlfriend list so he's got at least 3. There's Sandy, Mandy and Brande and possibly a Jessica. Brande said they all hang out and watch movies in bed with Heffner. She said that she's never seen the other girls having sex with Heff but thinks that they do. She also claims that she sleeps in his bed every night while the other girls have their own room at the Playboy mansion. Howard trying to get details out of Brande was like pulling teeth. Brande kept saying ''I don't know'' to many of his questions about living with Heffner. Brande's mother was also there at the studio so Howard brought her in. Apparently the two of them were dressed alike. She didn't have much to say either.

  Howard finally asked Brande whether Heffner's pubic hair was gray or not. Once again Brande said ''I don't know.'' She claims that it's always dark in the bedroom when she has sex so she doesn't see his hair. Most of the guys on the show weren't believing that she actually does sleep with Heff. Howard believed her but asked her to swear that she does. She ended up saying ''I swear on the lord Jesus Christ that I sleep in Hugh Heffner's bed..'' and then added that she has sex with him. KC and Gary still weren't believing her. Even Robin found it hard to believe what she was saying. After Brande swore to it Robin said she wanted to get out of the studio before the lightning struck. KC told Howard ''If she's sleeping with Heff then I'm Jesus.'' If you want to catch a glimpse of Brande, just head to Playboy.com

• Type O Negative Perform ''Cinnamon Girl''. 3/13/00. 9:15am
  The band Type O Negative came in this morning to perform their version of ''Cinnamon Girl'' which Howard is a big fan of. Howard spent a minute talking to the lead singer of the band, Peter Steel. He's not a happy sounding guy and some of the notes Howard read confirmed it. The notes said that the first album the band put out was about wanting to kill his girlfriend and himself. Peter said that was true. Peter once said that Kurt Cobain is his hero because he had the balls to shoot himself. Howard also asked him about some of the jobs he's had in his life. He used to pick up feces in New York as a janitor or something. He also told Howard that he used to deliver flowers and one woman never tipped him. He got back at her by pissing in her flowers and told her to put them on her radiator because it was good for the flowers. Eventually Howard had the band perform ''Cinnamon Girl''. The band has a very heavy metal sound and they did a great job with the song. Howard also pointed out that they did a song on the ''Private Parts'' soundtrack with Ozzy Osbourne. He thanked them for doing that. Their new album ''World Coming Down'' is out now and they'll be performing at the Roseland Ballroom in New York City tomorrow night.

• Richard Johnson Calls In To Defend His Writing. 3/13/00. 9:45am
  Richard Johnson, editor of the New York Post's Page Six, called in to defend himself against Alec Baldwin's claims from earlier in the morning. He didn't get much time to do that because Alec called in and took over the conversation. Alec went on and on once again about what a horrible article Richard wrote and how poorly it was written. He told Richard that his writing is horrible and that all he does is pass along crap about celebrities. Johnson said that Forbes Magazine was the reason for the recent article. They pointed out 5 charities that were no good and the Baldwin's was one of the 5. Alec said that Forbes didn't interpret their findings correctly and they took the easy way out. Alec continued to rant about how awful the New York Post is and how everyone that works there is a demon. He even called the Post a ''..vile, horrible rag sheet..'' Poor Richard Johnson couldn't get a word in edgewise. Alec just kept talking until he was done and got off the phone. Johnson said just wait until tomorrow to see what he writes about Alec in his article. Nothing came out of this call other than a great fight. Alec's argument sounded good but Richard didn't have a come back for it. Howard seemed to enjoy the fight.

• Gary's 39th And Other Various Things. 3/14/00. 6:10am
  Howard had a bunch of tapes to play and other things to go over this morning so he killed some time with that. Today is also Gary's 39th birthday so Howard spent about a minute on that subject. Gary says he's been with Howard since he was 23. Howard made some jokes about Gary saying he's getting ''Long in the tooth'' and that he should ''Hold your banana high!''.

  Howard discussed his psychiatric session from yesterday for a minute also. He said he's learned that he is a very disturbed man. He likes to know this because it's helped him in his social life. Now he knows how disturbed he is so he can deal with it better.

  Howard also read a review of his new TV show ''Son of the Beach'' which was kind of strange. The reviewer only gave the show 2 and a half stars but the write up was glowing. The guy liked the first show he saw but says that he doesn't think that they'll be able to keep up the funny stuff for more than a couple of episodes. Therefore, 2.5 stars. Howard said that the shows just get funnier as they go along and that the next show is better than the last. The show premieres tonight on the FX cable network.

  Howard gave us an update on Doug's painted french fries. The other day Doug from E! described how he had gone to a restaurant and eaten some french fries. When he got down below the barbecue sauce that was covering most of them he saw what looked like silver paint on them. He then puked them up in the bathroom and told the manager about them. The guy offered him more fries and invited Doug to sue him. A scientist fan was listening that day and offered to test the fries. Howard said that the guy's results came back and he says it was definitely paint on the fries. Doug called in but all he had to say was ''Yuch..'' and he moaned a little bit like he was about to puke again. Doug didn't say what he might do now that he knows it was paint.

  The subject of High Pitch Erik came up this morning also. Erik has been hanging around the radio station quite a bit lately and he leaves a bunch of voice mails for Gary. Howard played Erik being Happy and Sad on the voice mail and said it happened within a matter of hours. At one point he's the Mickey Mouse happy sounding Erik and the next thing you know he's sad and begging for $1000. He doesn't have a job and now he wants a hand out from the show. Howard suggests that Erik just get a job. He lost his last one after his employer told him not to go on Howard's show and he disobeyed them. No money for Erik.

  Howard also spent a while on various Kathie Lee tapes. Big Black called in to play some stuff he had on her also. Big Black also had tape of the Tonight Show from last night when some actress was proposed to on the show. The Kathie Lee tapes included her refusing to comment on Howard and her commenting about her husband on some show.

• Joan Rivers Comes In. 3/14/00. 7:50am
  A very angry sounding Joan Rivers came in this morning. Joan was complaining about ''that bitch Robin'' out in the hall who made her sign something saying that if she says something about someone that ends up in a lawsuit, she'll take responsibility. She was talking about E!'s Robin Radzinski who had her sign some kind of release form. She got over that pretty quick and got on with the interview. Howard and Joan spoke about how Annette Benning and Warren Beaty blew off Melissa at some award show recently. Joan called Annette a bitch for doing that to her daughter. Joan also went off on Janine Garafolo, calling her ''white trash''. Janine once got upset over some comments that Joan made about her clothing at an awards show and the two of them have traded quips ever since. Joan was on a roll this morning as she bitched and moaned about Jenny McCarthy and Edie Falco on top of the others. Howard also asked Joan what she thought of Jennifer Lopez's outfit at the recent Grammy awards. Joan actually said that she looked amazing in the very low cut, revealing outfit. She said as long as someone can pull off something like that she should go for it.

  Howard brought up Joan's thin figure and that led to them discussing how she stays so thin. She doesn't eat much and she says that when she was in her late 40's, early 50's she would puke up her meals to stay thin. She says she stopped doing that when the acids from her stomach started damaging her teeth.

  Joan plugged her new line of skin care products ''Results'' which she features on QVC. You can also find out more on her new web site JoanRivers.com. Howard said her face did look ''refreshed'' this morning but he was thinking that it was more plastic surgery. She says it's the new skin care stuff that makes her look that way.

  Howard took a few phone calls and spoke to Joan about a couple of things before ending the segment. He plugged her pre-Oscar show which airs March 26 on E!.

• Gary Garver At ''Son of the Beach'' Premiere Party. 3/14/00. 8:40am
  Field Correspondent Gary Garver was sent out to the premiere party at the House of Blues in California to interview the cast of ''Son of the Beach'' last night. He also got Lou Ferrigno who's not part of the cast but made for an interesting interview. Here are some of the questions and answers for each of the interviews:

  Jaime Bergman

  • Why are there so many Jews in the music business? - Don't know
  • Is Puffy being set up? -
  • Is OJ innocent or guilty?
  • How often do you pleasure yourself? - All the time
  • Is penis size important? - No
  • Have you ever done a black guy? - No
  • You're not menstruating now are you? - No
  • Would you date Howard? - No
  • Have you ever urinated in the shower? - Yes
  • If one man gives oral to another man, is he considered gay? - Yes
  Jaime didn't have a problem with any of the questions and Howard said she answered the pleasuring and penis size questions just right.

  Leila Arcieri

  • Does the media portray blacks in a negative way? - No
  • What do you think of the Amadu Diallo verdict?
  • Have you ever been pulled over because of the color of your skin? - No
  • Why is there a riff between the black and Jewish community?
  • Why is there no black Oscar nominees?
  • Who is your favorite white person? - Howard Stern
  • Is penis size important? - Yes, very important
  • Have you ever done a white guy? - Yes
  • Do you allow yourself to be photographed while on your period? - Yes
  • Do you resent that February, the shortest month, is black history month? - No
  Leila also didn't have a problem answering any of the goofy questions. She did ramble on a little bit about why there are no black Oscar nominees though.

  Lou Ferrigno

  • What would you have become if you weren't famous? - Policeman
  • Is Puffy being set up? - No
  • Would you perform a homosexual act for a million dollars? - 100 million
  • Have you ever been with another man?
  • If one man gives oral to another man, is he considered gay? - Yes
  • How many dates do you have with a woman before introducing anal sex? - One or two
  • Do you urinate in the shower? - Any time, any place
  • Is OJ innocent or guilty? - No comment
  • How often do you pleasure yourself? - Ask my wife
  Lou has a hearing problem so most of the questions had to be asked more than one time. He misunderstood most of them at first so it was pretty funny to hear.

  Roland Kickinger

  • Does the media portray blacks in a negative way?
  • If one man gives oral to another man, is he considered gay?
  • How many dates do you have with a woman before introducing anal sex?
  Roland, who has a heavy Austrian accent like Arnold Schwarzenegger, rambled on and on with his answers and never really made a point. Garver was about to ask him a fourth question but he was laughing at the rambling answer Roland had just given for the anal sex question so he gave up.

• ''Son of the Beach'' A Hit With The Fans. 3/15/00. 6:05am
  Howard spent the first hour or so of the show talking about his new TV show ''Son of the Beach''. He threw a little party last night at his apartment to celebrate. He had about a dozen people over to watch a couple of episodes of the new show and everyone enjoyed it. Robin was very vocal about how much she liked the show. Howard also took a bunch of phone calls from listeners who saw the show and all of them were very positive. Howard kept telling everyone that the upcoming shows get even funnier than the first. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about some of the people who showed up to the party last night. Jackie and his wife were there as well as Fred and his wife. Gary didn't go because it was his birthday and his wife was making him dinner last night. Howard said he didn't invite Ralph to the party because there were already enough people to fill his apartment. He said Ralph actually understood and didn't actually cry when he wasn't invited.

• Funny Phony Phone Caller. 3/15/00. 7:00am
  Howard had another funny phony phone call to play for everyone. This was from some guy by the name of Jim Florentine who has a CD out called ''Terrorizing Telemarketers''. The call that Howard played was this guy talking to a woman who needed some billing information from him. During the whole call the guy is chewing on food and belching so the woman can barely understand what he's saying. You can find out more about ''Terrorizing Telemarketers'' at JimFlorentine.com.

• Model Rachel Hunter Comes In. 3/15/00. 7:45am
  Model/actress Rachel Hunter came in to promote the original E! movie ''Best Actress'' which she stars in this Sunday at 9pm. As soon as she walked in Howard let out an enthusiastic ''Oh Baby!'' He said she's a ''piece of ass'' a few times before settling down. He commented on her nice lips before moving on to interview her. Rachel claims that she's been celibate since separating from her husband Rod Stewart about 7 months ago. She later told Howard that she did date a guy shortly after the marriage break up though. Howard asked her if she's gone lesbo since she left Rod. She let him know that she doesn't go that way. Robin pointed out that she does do a lesbian kiss with Maria Conchita Alonzo in the E! movie she's in though. Rachel said that she told Maria to keep her tongue to the side when they kissed. Howard had tons of notes on Rachel but she denied quite a bit of what he asked her about. He asked her if she ever made out with Kevin Costner. She said she never did and she's not interested in him at all. Some people in the studio said she had a horrified look on her face when Howard brought up Costner's name but she said nothing ever happened with him at all.

  Howard asked Rachel if she'll ever go back to ''Rod's rod''. Rachel doesn't think she will. They still get along and they have kids together but the marriage is over. She was married for 9 years and now she says she wants to have some fun now.

  Rachel filled Howard in on how she was discovered. At 11 her mother had nude photos taken of her and they won some art show. That was her first break but then at 15 she was discovered on a beach by some guy and that's when her career really started to snowball. She said she moved out of her house at 16 to live with a 23 year old guy. She also told Howard she lost her virginity at 15 and a half.

  Howard hit on Rachel during the interview a little bit. He heard that Rod was able to pick her up by insulting her so he took that and said ''You're Stupid! You're ugly!.. Let's go out.'' It didn't work. Rachel says it was actually Rod's sense of humor that got her. It wasn't his money or his insults.

  Some of the info Howard had about Rachel was actually linked to her sister Jackie. Howard heard that rachel had made out with some reporter but Rachel said that was actually Jackie and that happens because they look somewhat alike.

  Before Rachel left Howard got some info about Rod that he wanted to point out. He said that Rod has dated a bunch of women since the break up and he even brought his current 28 year old girlfriend to his brother's 70th birthday party. Howard thinks that's moving a little fast for Rod... and the guy is an old geezer. Rachel says she has nothing but good words to say about Rod. Howard also asked her about drug use before the end of the interview. She says she doesn't like drugs, she's a tequila drinker. About a minute later Stuttering John came in with a bottle of tequila but she didn't want to drink this early in the morning. Rachel says that she's got some more acting jobs coming up in the near future so we'll be seeing more of her.

• Pope John Paul Gottfried Calls In. 3/15/00. 8:45am
  Howard took a call from the Pope this morning. The Pope was calling in to apologize to the Jews for the way they were treated back in World War II. ''The Pope'' sounded very familiar when he called in.. like Gilbert Gottfried doing his Vampire character. He and Howard went through a whole bit. Pope said that he was going to call each Jew in New York individually and that there were 10 full pages of Cohen's in the phone book. He started to give an apology but it was actually Jackie's infamous apology to his wife for the Jessica Hahn bathtub incident. Pope realized his mistake and went on to read the correct apology which started off ''Hello money lenders...'' Gilbert.. I mean Pope continued on saying that the Jews have great taste. He continued on talking about all of the art work and gold teeth that were taken from them in the Holocaust. He said that he's got the gold teeth in his basement and they will carry the Catholic church on into the next millennium. He also apologized to the ''fanny farmers'' and ''bone fairies'' that were killed in the Holocaust. He said ''If you only could have hidden your femininity.. like Catholic priests do..'' they would have been spared. Pope said that he apologizes to all but one of the Jews. He left out Mark Harris for some reason.

  After the call a couple of listeners called in and said that was the worst Pope impersonation they've ever heard. One guy said it sounded like Gilbert Gottfried doing his vampire impression.. duh! Howard then plugged a couple of Gilbert's upcoming comedy club appearances. He'll be at Rascals by the shore on April 12. He'll also be on Hollywood Squares in the near future.

• Tim Stack Calls In. 3/15/00. 8:55am
  Tim Stack, star and writer of ''Son of the Beach'', called in so Howard could congratulate him about the show last night. Howard spent a couple of minutes telling Tim how great he is in the show. Everyone at Howard's little party last night all agreed that he's perfect for the part he plays. Howard told him that he's very proud of Tim and the other two writers.

  After the phone call with Tim Howard and the gang spent some more time talking about last night's party. Someone said that Fred's wife was sitting on his lap at the party so they guess that their marriage therapy worked. Stuttering John's behavior was also a topic of discussion. Robin was impressed with the way he was acting last night. He was on his best behavior and didn't do anything stupid. She actually called him ''charming''. Robin's boyfriend, Mr. X, was also discussed. They say that Robin and Mr. X are really in love and it shows. Robin is very happy now and they're getting along great. Gary said that Robin is actually ''normal'' now because she doesn't blow up at people like she used to. Robin said Mr. X was ready to hate the show but he was surprised when he saw it and liked it.

• ''Son of the Beach'' Ratings Are In. 3/16/00. 6:10am
  Howard had the ratings for the first airing of his show ''Son of the Beach''. He said he received word that the show had the best ratings for an original cable show. It actually beat out the ''South Park'' premiere episode rating by a full point. Howard didn't give any exact rating numbers but did say that it was number one or number two in most of the age categories. FX is saying that it's the highest rated original show to ever air on the network.. That ain't saying much.

• Howard's Radio Contract Update. 3/16/00. 7:05am
  Howard made a quick mention about his current contract and how much longer it is. He originally thought that it was up in November but just recently found out it actually goes through the end of the year. That's good news for fans though. So we'll have him at least a month longer than we thought. Howard still hasn't decided if he's going to sign on for any more radio time after this current contract is up. We may not know if he's staying until after the first of next year.

• Goofing On Lame DJs. 3/16/00. 7:15am
  Howard read an obituary for a 1950's DJ who did some really strange stunts on his radio show and that led to him talking about how lame the radio business is. He spent quite a while talking about all of the lame DJs that are out there now and in the past. He pointed out how there's nothing worth even knowing about in the business. He also read the obituary for this DJ Peter Tripp who once stayed up for 201 hours straight as a stunt on his radio show. That led to Howard talking about this guy Doug Tracht, The Greaseman, who can't even get a job now. The guy made a racist comment on his show last year and now he can't get a job anywhere. Howard pulled out tape of the Greaseman's apology tape that they heard last year. Howard said it's his second favorite press conference tape coming in second to Old Dirty Bastard.

• Porn Star Houston Comes In. 3/16/00. 8:05am
  Houston the porn star came in this morning to make another woman's dream come true by giving her a lesbian rub down. Howard first spent a few minutes talking to Houston about her upcoming labia surgery and how much better she's looking. Gary came in earlier and said that Houston has lost a bunch of weight and she looks better than ever. Howard said she lost like half her weight and got her lips enlarged. Her face also looks different but Houston says it's probably her darker hair that's making the difference. Howard said she has no waist or ass anymore. He spoke to her about dating the director of ''Armageddon'' also. She said she has dated him but hasn't had sex with him. Jaime Bergman also said she was dating the guy when she was in recently. Houston is still seeing prom-date-Brad. Howard found out she was with him last night at some hotel. It took a little while to get the info out of her but she finally admitted to giving him oral. They've also been vacationing together. They went to the Bahamas and they're going to Jamaica sometime soon.

  Houston is going to have her labia operated on live on the web so that was a subject for discussion for a while. Houston actually went over and showed Howard what they look like. He wanted to know how bad they were and why she was having them operated on. Houston said that they hang so low that they come out of her bikini bottoms when she's dancing sometimes. That can be a problem because they're not supposed to be naked when dancing. Howard checked them out and said they're not that bad. He told her she shouldn't do the operation even if she's getting paid the million dollars that he heard she's making. That labia surgery can be seen at KarasXXX.com. Before getting to the lesbian rub down Houston got in plugs for her many web sites including:SlapOnArt.com, HoustonChannel.com, HerbalHouston.com and AmazingSex.com.

  Howard eventually brought in Kristin, the woman who wanted the lesbian rub down. Kristin, a married 24 year old mother of 2, has fantasized about having a lesbian experience since she was a young woman. She contacted the show and they invited her down to make her dream come true. Howard said Kristin wasn't half bad. Her hair was too short according to him. She got down to a thong bikini bottom and Howard said she looked pretty good in that. Houston needed to change into her bikini but wouldn't do it in the studio so he had to take a break. Howard actually went in the bathroom to help her change. After the break they came back and got to it.

  Kristin got on the floor and laid down on her stomach. Houston, now in a small pink bikini, took some massage lotion and squirted it on Kristin's ass and legs. She then rubbed the lotion in with her breasts and ass. After a minute or so Howard had Kristin roll over on her back. Houston said that she wanted to take Kristin's top off. Kristin didn't have a problem with that so she went right ahead and did it. Kristin's breasts were tiny according to Howard. He said that any woman's breasts would look small next to Houston's though. Houston then proceed to rub more lotion on Kristin's front, this time with her hands. Kristin said that she was getting turned on. Howard told Houston that she could ''explore'' as much as she wanted to. Shortly after that he said he wasn't sure how far he could let this go. After the rub down Howard asked Kristin if she thinks that lesbianism is for her. She said it might just be. The two of them kissed goodbye after they were all done.

  Howard spent a couple more minutes with the ladies and took some phone calls. Prom-date-Brad was one of the callers. Howard spoke to him a little bit about his relationship with Houston. Brad told Howard that he thinks that Houston is making a mistake with that labia surgery but no one can change her mind. Brad said that he's really committed to Houston in his mind but she doesn't feel the same way about him. She's just out having fun with Brad and the director dude. Howard asked him if he's jealous of the director and Brad said that he didn't want to go there.

  Earlier in the show a listener called in and asked Howard if he could play a ''Butt Billionaire'' game with Houston. Howard wasn't sure if she would want to do that so he asked her before the end of the segment. Houston said she'd do it with a guy she likes but not in a ''Who Wants to be a Butt Billionaire'' game.

• Will Shelly Have Her Breasts Painted? 3/16/00. 9:20am
  Howard was taking a few phone calls when this woman asked if she could come down tomorrow to get her breasts painted green for St. Patrick's day. She was sounding pretty hot to Howard. He said that he had a good feeling about this one and wanted to schedule her in for the 7 o'clock hour. She told Howard she was 23 and 5'5'' tall. After a couple of minutes he asked her if she's a big fatso. She said no but then said she weigh's 130 pounds. Jackie suggested that she jog from her home town in Ohio to New York. She told Howard she works out and a lot of that weight is her muscle and her 34-C breasts. Then she said that she's got a ''Buddah belly'' but it's not bad. She doesn't know how to turn Howard on, that's for sure. Howard then changed his mind and scheduled her in with the rest of the women who wanted their breasts painted green. He was then saying that he had a bad feeling about this one. He told the guys to get him a paint roller because his meat brush probably won't do it for this chick.

• Gary Garver's Elton John Interview. 3/16/00. 9:25am
  Howard played a quick interview that Gary Garver got with Elton John recently. He only asked two questions:
  • Who are so many people reluctant to show their gay pride like you do?
  • What celebrity has the best ass in Hollywood?
  Elton answered both questions no problem. He went on about how he is who he is. His best ass answer was Jennifer Lopez first but Gary then asked him which male ass was the best. Elton quickly responded with ''Matt Damon.''

• Kotex The Angry Black Woman. 3/16/00. 9:30am
  This angry black woman from Haiti called in and yelled at Howard for a few minutes about his filthy, disgusting show. She claimed that her name is Kotex. She went on and on about how she was going to get Howard's ''Son of the Beach'' taken off of FX because it's so disgusting. Howard entertained the call for quite a while because her accent was so funny. Plus it resulted in calls from people calling themselves Maxi Pad, Tampon String and Uncle Douche Bag.. all claiming to be Kotex's relatives. After 15 minutes or so Howard finally decided to move on and hung up on the angry bitch. She said that she'll be protesting the show on Saturday at the FX offices..wherever that might be.

  Kotex later called in and was exposed by another listener for not being from Haiti. It turns out that Kotex is actually from Jamaica. Howard let a bunch of angry fans yell at Kotex before hanging up on her once again.

• Howard's Movie Reviews. 3/17/00. 6:10am
  After yelling at Gary for clearing his throat of phlegm while he was trying to eat his egg whites Howard mentioned a couple of movies he watched last night. He told Robin that he tried to watch ''The Green Mile'' but could only get through about 20 minutes of it. Robin told him it's a movie you have to give a chance and sit through it. She said it's the kind of movie you have to pay $9 to see because you won't walk out if you pay good money for it. Howard turned it off after 20 minutes and ended up watching ''Deep Blue Sea'' instead. He said that was much more entertaining. Even Robin agreed that she'd watch that over ''The Green Mile''.

• Painting O' The Breasts. 3/17/00. 6:30am
  A bunch of women came down to the studio this morning to have their breasts painted green for St. Patrick's day. Howard brought in a group of 3 women and spoke to each one for a moment before slapping on some paint. First up was 21 year old Jesse from California. She was wearing leather pants and a scarf to cover her breasts. Howard decided that he would use his gloved hand to paint her breasts instead of a roller. He put the glove on and smeared some green paint on Jesse's implants. She told Howard that she's had the implants for about a year and a half. He didn't do any designs on Jesse's breasts. He just painted them all green. Howard soon moved on to the next woman, Kelly. Kelly is Jesse's roommate. She was dressed in a similar way to Jesse. Howard painted some bunny ears on Kelly's breasts before moving on to 27 year old Julie from Philadelphia. Julie claims that she's only had sex with one man in her whole life.. She got polka dots on her breasts.

  After taking a break and doing a few other things Howard brought in a few more women. This time he spoke to all of them before painting. First up was Shannon Lee, a 27 year old who does live sex shows on the web. 32 year old Tabitha was next up and her lesbian lover Lana was right there next to her. The final woman was Heather, a 27 year old construction worker/caterer. Howard went over to each woman and painted bunny ears on one, a shamrock on another and vertical stripes on Lana's tiny breasts. Heather ended up getting some ''swipes'' across her breasts. Jackie said that was the worst design Howard has ever done.

• Hank The Dwarf And Beetlejuice. 3/17/00. 7:50am
  Hank the dwarf and Beetlejuice the tiny headed dwarf came in to hang out for a little while this morning. Howard heard that the two of them got into a little fight out in the hallway. Beetlejuice came in first. He had his hair and eyebrows painted green for St. Patrick's day. He told Howard that he's going to be in the New York St. Patrick's day parade today. Howard tried to find out how he did that but Beetlejuice can never give a straight answer. Howard brought in Hank a few minutes later to find out why the two of them were fighting it out. For the next 20 minutes the two of them had a pissing contest over the dumbest things. If Hanks drinking came up Beetlejuice would say that he can drink more than him. If Hank's height came up Beetlejuice would say he's taller than him. Beetle said that he's better than Hank at just about everything. Hank called Beetle a ''stupid little midget'' and everyone pointed out that Beetle is taller than Hank. Hank said that if he is taller it's only by a couple of inches. Apparently this all started back at Howard's birthday show a few weeks ago. Hank said that Beetle didn't want him to meet William Shatner for some reason and the two of them started in with each other at that point. Beetle said he doesn't even know who Shatner is and he doesn't know why he didn't want Hank to meet him.

  After the arguing Howard brought in this British TV show host who wanted to interview Hank. The host of the show ''Freak Out'', Matt, came in with his crew to interview Hank. Matt has flipper hands so Howard spoke to him about that for a couple of minutes then turned over the show to him. The interview Matt did was really lame and it wasn't going anywhere so Howard gave up on it.

  This guy Mike had come down to try and win breast implants for his wife. He had agreed to suck Hank's toes to win the implants. Hank didn't want any part of it unless he was going to get paid. Gary told him they'd give him $800 courtesy of iWon.com for his trouble. He was also afraid that the guy was gay but Mike says he's not. Gary took off Hank's one shoe and everyone was disgusted by his uncut toe nails. Hank says he never cuts them. Some people were even saying that they were green from fungus or something. Howard told the guy that he had to suck and kiss all of his toes and put all 5 in his mouth to win the implants. Mike didn't seem to hesitate much. He went right to it and sucked those green toes. He won the implants which will be put in by Dr. Sal Calabro.

  For more info on Beetlejuice you can check out JollyDwarf.com and Hank's web site is at HankTheDwarf.com

• Strip Sports Trivia. 3/17/00. 8:45am
  25 year old Heather Tindell from SportsPage.com came in to play a trivia game against Gary. Howard heard that she is an expert in sports trivia so they figured they'd play a game of strip trivia. Gary is also very knowledgable in sports so it looked like a good match up. Howard was very impressed with Heather's looks. She was gorgeous with huge, natural breasts. She used to be a fat chick but she slimmed down by working out and becoming a vegetarian. She also said she's only had two boyfriends in her life. She's been hit on quite a bit by athletes. She claimed that Shaquille O'Neil's manager came up to her recently and asked her for her number.

  Howard eventually got to the game and said that the first thing to come off would be shoes and socks followed by shirt then by pants. The first question was ''What football player rushed for 2003 yards in 1973?'' Heather didn't know the answer. Gary said it was OJ Simpson. Heather's shoes came off. Next question ''What does TKO stand for?'' Gary got it with technical knock out. Next question ''Where is Mile High Stadium?'' Heather didn't know but answered ''Canada''. Off came her shirt. Gary gave the correct answer of Denver. She was wearing a bikini top but it didn't show off much of her nice breasts. Everyone liked them though. Next question was ''What is the height of a basketball hoop?'' Gary gave the wrong answer of 12 feet. Heather got it right with 10 feet. Next question ''What yard line does an NFL football team kick off from?'' Heather said 10 and got it wrong. Gary knew it was the 35. Off came Heather's pants. She said that she wouldn't take off any more clothes but they talked her into getting into a sexier bathing suit if they continued to play. Howard asked her a question about the coach of the 1969 New York Jets and she had no clue. Gary changed it to the current coach of the Jets and she still didn't know. She then got into a sexier bathing suit. Finally they asked her to get into a thong if she got the final question wrong. She agreed and was asked ''What basketball player averaged a triple-double for the whole season?'' She didn't know what a triple-double was so she didn't get it right. She went and changed into a thong. Gary wasn't sure of the correct answer either. Howard told him it was Oscar Robinson. Heather came out showing off her nice ass to everyone so Howard let her plug SportsPage.com a little more. He kept her around to play the Gossip Game.

• The Mike Walker Gossip Game. 3/17/00. 9:25am
  Howard had Heather Tindell stick around to play the gossip game with Mike Walker. He got Mike on the phone and spoke to him for a couple of minutes before getting to the game. Mike and Howard traded plugs for each other. Mike plugged ''Son of the Beach'' while Howard plugged Mike's book ''Malicious Intent'' and his TV show. Howard told Mike that he should speak to Heather because she's got some ''casting couch'' stories she could tell. Heather then told Howard about how she's had that happen to her a few times when she's gone in to get acting jobs. She didn't name any names though. Mike went on to say that the pivotal part in his book is based on a similar situation. After all of that Howard had Mike get to his game.

  Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. Here are this week's stories:

  1. Woody Harrelson set his old high school friend up at hotel. He was surprised when he got the bill to see several hundred dollars worth of ''mini bar'' charges. It turns out his friend thought that they were free samples so he took all of them each time the bar was refilled. Woody just laughed it off and refused to let his friend pay for it.
  2. Jennifer Lopez was offended by her movie co-star Matthew McConahey when he put up a photo of her ass with a sign over it reading ''Pin the tail on Jennifer's tail''. She saw Matthew and the crew holding tails to pin on and freaked out. She yelled at them not to joke about her ass anymore.
  3. Sarah Michelle Gellar is learning the German language. She has a german shepherd guard dog that was taught commands in German so she needs to know how to tell him what to do.
  4. Judge Judy has lost a few sponsors when a ''Dump Judge Judy'' web site was set up after she made some comments about drug dealers. The comment was about drug dealers and how they should ''give them all dirty needles and let them die.''
  Heather picked number 2 as the false story. Robin and Jackie went with number 3 while Howard went with number 4. Fred went with number 1. The actual false story was number three. Jackie and Robin were the winners this week. Howard plugged Heather's web site one more time before ending the segment.

• More Painting O' The Breasts. 3/17/00. 9:50am
  Howard had two more women to paint late this morning. They've been waiting around since 6 this morning so Howard figured he had to get to them. First up was Lisa the secretary. She was hitting on Howard when she came in and said she didn't want Howard to wear a glove when he painted her breasts. Howard wore it anyway just because he didn't want green hands for the rest of the day. Howard got to her and did a nice swirl effect on her very nice D-cup breasts. He spent quite a bit of time swirling his fingers around on her breasts and she was getting excited over it. Next up was Sheila who didn't have much to paint and almost begged Howard to give her implants. Howard did a quick stripe pattern on them to make them look bigger. He refused to give her the implants but eventually told her she could come back and play a game of ''Turkish Millionaire'' to try and win them. She spoke very fast and non stop so Howard told her if she wanted to look better she should talk less.

  Last but not least High Pitch Erik dropped by to be painted green. Howard wasn't sure if he wanted to do it or not though. KC talked him into it. KC started to do the painting himself but Howard told him he didn't know what he was doing so he took over. Instead of using his hand he pulled out a paint roller and painted Erik all over. KC suggested that they write ''I like Irish penis'' on his forehead. Howard went over to Erik and said that he was going to write on his face but not what KC suggested. He told Erik he was writing ''I like Howard'' and spelled it out as he was doing it. Of course he was lying and actually wrote ''I like penis'' on there. They didn't tell Erik that though. They sent him out in the hallways of K-Rock to show off his green paint job. Howard said he looked like a big green potato.