For The Week Of 12/18/2000 to 12/22/2000

• The Best Of Stern. 12/18/00. 6:00am
  The Howard Stern Show starts it's 2 week vacation today. Here's what we heard on today's 'Best Of':
  • ''H&R Black'' Commercial Parody
  • Bon Jovi performs ''It's My Life''
  • A 19 year old woman tells Howard about having lesbian sex with her sister-in-law. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads..
    • 5-8-96. This 19 year old woman called in this morning to tell her amazing lesbian experience. Howard grilled her for about 10 minutes on what she looks like. Here's the basics... 5'5'' tall, 130 pounds, not fat just tight, c cup breasts and she doesn't know if she looks like a celebrity. So she tells this story about how she was sleeping at her brother's house while he was out somewhere. Her sister in law was in another room when she decided to come out topless. She proceeded to kiss this girl and rub her leg. She eventually made her way down to the 'nasty place' and just as this girl was coming close to being totally satisfied, her brother walked in! She said that he stood there for a few seconds, turned around and walked right back out that door. The two women finished up after he left and supposedly didn't say much of anything to each other. So then Howard get's the girl's brother on the phone and asks him how he feels about all of this. He was pretty pissed at it but his sister is still at the house and his, soon to be ex-wife, is out. He said that he will be getting a divorce over this mess.
  • Howard scams a listener who wants to be in porno. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads..
    • 5-15-96. Some guy that was sending letters to Howard asking him to get him in to porno movies got a phony phone call from Howard recently. The guy came down to the studio even though he was told not to. Howard called the guy as a porno movie producer and asked him to do a bunch of really wacky stuff and the guy agreed to do things like have cement poured in to his butt and let it harden. The guy went along with the whole thing and Howard eventually let him in on the joke.
  • Howard talks about 'The curse of Superman' and how many of the people who have had anything to do with the movies or TV shows have had problems
  • Larry and Trish call in to tell Howard how much Stuttering John sucks
  • Bud calls in to tell Howard how Scott the Engineer was fired from a DJ gig because he yelled at little kids. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads..
    • 5-15-96. A listener called in today to tell a story about Scott the Engineer. Apparently Scott's kid is in little league. The guy on the phone said that the kids on the team make fun of Scott just like Howard does. They make that 'chhh' sound to his face when he comes to the games or whatever. Listeners were calling in all morning telling more stories about Scott and his adventures. Scott was mobbed by some 6 and 7 year olds at a pool once and he was let go from that gig for some odd reason. Guys were calling in saying that Scott owed them money and all kinds of weird stuff like that.
  • The Gary Puppet gets stolen while Gary has it at an appearance. Howard yells at Gary for a while and eventually lets him know that Stuttering John set up the scam
  • Robin describes her date with Christopher Darden An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads..
    • 3-11-96. On Friday evening some TV show reported that Christopher Darden was dating Robin Quivers. I thought it was some made up story but it turns out to be true! Howard said today that he knew but was keeping his mouth shut. That is until that TV show blurted it out. Robin told Howard that the editor of her book, Judith Regan, hooked the two of them up for a phone call and it lead to a date! Robin said that the two of them got along just fine but after the date nothing happened. They're just friends and they haven't spoken since the date. Christopher is a fan of the E! show and told Robin that while he was writing his book, he'd take a break and watch the E! show to get a good laugh.

• The Best Of Stern. 12/19/00.
  Day 2 of Holiday Season Best of. Here's what we heard on today's show:
  • Sal the Stockbroker sings ''Gary the Horse Tooth Jackass'' to the tune of ''Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer''
  • Dennis Miller(?) calls in.
    • 12/5/00. 8:55am
      Someone (comedian Craig Gass) claiming to be comedian Dennis Miller called in to talk to Howard real quick this morning. Howard asked Dennis why he continues to stay on Monday Night Football even though no one understands his jokes. Dennis thinks that he's having a great season. He told a couple of barely understandable jokes.

      Howard asked Dennis how he's getting along with Al Michaels. Dennis said that Al is a great guy. He said that Al ''Has seen more sudden death than the Kennedy's.'' Dennis also commented on his other co-host Dan Fouts. Dennis said his secret is that he's retarded. He said he's been hit in the head so many times that it's like mush. He said ''He got a concussion the other day while playing duck, duck, goose.''

      Howard told Dennis that he needs to tell jokes that are more direct. Dennis said that maybe he needs to be more like Jackie. Howard told him ''Well, maybe not Jackie''. Dennis then told some more direct jokes. He said ''A black guy and a puerto rican are in a car, who's driving?.. The cops.'' Then he said ''What did the Mexican kid get for Christmas?.. My son's bike.'' Those are much more direct. He was only on the phone for about 5 minutes before hanging up.

  • Howard plays tape of James Garner bad mouthing him on Jay Leno's Tonight Show.
  • A Cuban woman calls in to complain about losing her finger in a job-related accident. Howard listens to her ramble on and on for a few minutes but eventually hangs up on her
  • Smokin Joe Frasier tells Howard how he cut his toe off. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads..
    • 5-17-96. Howard heard about how Joe Frasier cut off a toe while mowing his lawn. Some guy called in the story this morning. Howard wanted to hear from Joe himself so he got him on the phone late this morning. Joe was in good spirits considering he just lost his left big toe to a lawn mower! Joe mows his own lawn with a push mower to keep in shape. He was walking backwards when he tripped and fell backwards. That's when the mower took off part of his left big toe. Joe put some alcohol on the toe, wrapped it in a towel and drove himself to the hospital! They couldn't find the rest of the toe after the mower took it so he now has a stump. Joe said the he doesn't need it anyway. Howard asked him if he cried when it happened. Not Joe! He's a real man.
  • A wacky, monotone, agoraphobic woman calls in and rambles about nonsense to Howard. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads..
    • 5-1-96. This was one of those phone calls that will make it to 'Best Of' some day. This woman called in and rambled on and on about nothing. Howard kept her on the phone for a good 15 minutes. She says that she's claustrophobic or something like that. It was hard to understand most of what she said so there's no telling what she was actually saying.
  • Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee call in to promote Barb Wire. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads..
    • 5-2-96. Howard got on the phone with Pamela and started to tell her that she should ''down play that whole Tommy Lee love thing''. The thing that Howard didn't know was that Tommy picked up another phone with Pam. Howard backed off when he heard Tommy's voice on the line. Howard said ''bye bye boner'' when he heard Tommy. Tommy and Pam are still having sex even though Pamela is 9 months pregnant! Howard told Tommy that he'd have sex with him just to taste Pamela! When Howard asked Tommy about his ex-wife, Heather Locklear, Tommy just said ''who?'' He says that before Pamela there's just a big void in his life. Pamela's new movie, 'Barb Wire' opens tomorrow. That was the reason that she called in today. Tommy and Pam had no idea that Howard was starting to film a movie today. Howard asked Pam if she would be raising the child herself. Tommy said that he'd never let a stranger raise his child, he doesn't want a 'fat mexican woman' beating the crap out of his son. He's seen too many tv shows showing babysitters beating the children they're sitting. Pam's mom will be watching the child also.
  • Tony the Vietnam vet tells Howard about his 15 tours of duty. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads..
    • 5-10-96. Howard had this guy in this morning that claimed to be a Vietnam vet. Howard and he talked about the good ol' day's in 'Nam. Tony says that he killed 130 'gooks' while over there. Howard always tells his 'Nam stories but the funny thing is...he never went to 'Nam! He's been goofing around with that story for a couple of years now. Some of the things that Tony was saying were kind of suspicious to a lot of Howard fans out there and they faxed in and called in to let him know. Tony even says that he has part of a bullet left in his arm from a 'gook'. I guess that he has a scar on his arm to show for that. So after the interview Robin read some of the faxes that people sent in and she thinks that Tony was full of crap. So maybe he was! Who cares? It was pretty funny whether or not he was actually in 'Nam.
  • Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert call in. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads..
    • 5-15-96. These two called in to plug their tv special that'll be on CBS this evening at 8:00. Every time that these two are on the show they insult each other like mortal enemies. Today was no exception. They bashed each other, in a brotherly kind of way, about each other's faults. Of course Ebert, the big one, says that he's on a diet but he's been saying that for the past 10 years or so. He never seems to lose weight. Howard also discussed his movie with Gene Siskel and told him that it will be great and Gene will hate the fact that he has to give it a 'thumbs up' when it comes out.
  • Reverend Al Sharpton plugs his autobiography

• The Best Of Stern. 12/20/00.
  Another day of reruns. Here's what we heard on today's show:
  • Old Blue Eyes sings the songs of Jackie Martling commercial parody
  • Dido sings ''Thank You''
  • 22 year old woman tells her lesbian story to Howard
  • Stuttering John at the Essence Awards. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads..
    • 4-29-96. ...The next interview was from the Essence Awards. Howard calls them the 'Black Essence Awards' since they're just for black people. Robin kept correcting Howard and he just kept calling it the 'Black Essence Awards'. The first interview from the Black Essence Awards was James Earl Jones. 'Did you ever do a one man show as Darth Vader?' said John. James laughed and said that they've got a license on that and walked away. Sinbad is next. 'how does it feel to be so harmless?' and 'can you believe that Whoopi and Halle Berry are in the same race?' were the first two questions. Sinbad hung in for a few more questions and didn't really answer them very clearly. Next up was Danny Glover from the 'Lethal Weapon' movies. 'Can you spell illiterate?' was the one question. Danny just said 'come on' and left. Next was Jesse Jackson. 'these are all black awards, would you be upset if there was an all white ivory award?' Jesse answered 'well the context of this is that blacks have a talent surplus and opportunity deficit. So this is an attempt to project black power on to the major market. It's not unusual for blacks to become stars in the black community before the general market will accept them and so this is in the best tradition of black radio and black television projecting blacks in to the broader market....' He went on and on and wouldn't shut up but you get the idea. John cut him off and said 'thank you thank you'. That may be the first time that John has done that. Next was David Bowie. 'What do you think of Howard Stern' David didn't know who Howard was. So John asked 'do you ever talk on the phone while you're sitting on the toilet?' David said that he doesn't have a phone near the toilet. He just answered in a monotone voice. Then John asks David's girlfriend, Iman, if Malato's are only allowed to stay for half the show. That's when he got kicked out. Then Doug from E! had his turn at asking questions. First up for Doug was Rodney Hampton. Doug asked a few tame questions and Rodney went on his way. Boys 2 men were next. Doug asked 'can I call you 'boys'?' and 'who's the biggest boy?' The guy didn't seem to understand the question. He answered the questions and went away. The best question of the day to Seal...'Hi what position do you play?' and then 'Are you Montel Williams?' Seal says 'Forget it' and walks away. Toni Braxton was next. 'Why do you have a mans name' and 'is it hard to hit the high notes when you're on your period?' were the tough ones asked. Toni says 'excuse me?' and said that she couldn't answer those questions. The last interview of the day was Patti LaBelle. 'Is it true that you recently had the fat sucked out of your ass?' Patti says 'OH, that's what I wanted to talk about, it's a lie and so is the lie about me having aids...I'm glad that you asked me that' then Doug had to ask 'What's more fun, winning an award or eating a case of Twinkies?' I don't have to tell you that she left after that question. She was so happy to answer the first one and then the Twinkie question was like a punch in the stomach.
  • Stuttering John interviews Dr. Spock
  • Stuttering John scams Steve Grillo. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads..
    • 5-16-96. Twice before going to commercial, Howard said that someone on the show was being disloyal to the show. When he finally told the story, it turned out to be Steve Grillo. Howard started yelling at Grillo because he was going to fly out to California to do an audition for a tv show. Howard freaked out because he had gotten Steve a job on his movie set. After he got Steve all worked up about it, Howard told him that it was an elaborate scam that Stuttering John played on him. Last week some time John had some woman call Steve and tell him that they saw him acting on the E! show and that they'd like him to audition in the city before going to California. Steve agreed to it. Stuttering John had arranged to have a studio and people acting like actors at the place where Steve was to go. He had people set up answering machines to fool Steve in to thinking that it was legitimate. So Steve went down and did his audition. Howard was about half way through the tape when he decided to call it quits. Howard said that the premise was a good one but it just didn't come out very funny. Howard spent a good hour yelling at John for not consulting with Fred and Jackie before doing the scam. He did tell John that he admired him for taking the initiative to go ahead and do something like this.
  • Howard Interviews Boxer Buster Douglas. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads..
    • 4-3-96. Well these two fighters (Buster Douglas and Hector Camacho) were scheduled to appear this morning at 7:30. Buster made it on time but Hector never did get in to the studio. Howard decided to go ahead with the Buster Douglas interview without Hector. Gary said that Lonnie from Scores was searching for Hector. Howard brought Buster in for the interview and a few minutes in Gary came in and said that Hector was out in front of the building in a car sleeping! Howard got in to Buster's financial business and found out that Buster doesn't get much money for the beatings that he takes. In one case, Buster says that he brought home about $15,000 out of a $1.3 million purse! And when he won a $25 million fight he only brought home around $1 million! Howard told Buster that he should get an agent or something since they can only take 10% legally. His trainer takes 20% of the winnings and his management gets like 50%! Buster was actually getting mad at Howard for pointing out his problem. Howard told Buster not to blame the messenger.

• The Best Of Stern. 12/21/00.
  Here's what we heard on today's Best Of Stern:
  • Beetlejuice calls a football game parody
  • David Bowie performs ''Fame'' at Howard's 1998 birthday party
  • Malika Kinison and Kimberly Taylor visit
  • Donna from Alabama says she had cyber-sex with Howard. He ends up goofing on her about being a Cheerleading squad leader
  • Howard talks to a Pastor who is doing a sermon on What Jesus would say to Howard Stern. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads..
    • 5-17-96. This guy is going to be doing a sermon about 'What Jesus would say to Howard Stern' this weekend. Howard talked to the guy on the phone today to find out what he would be saying about him in the sermon. The guy said that he'd send a transcript and a tape of his sermon so that Howard could hear it for himself. He's basically going to talk about how Jesus would use Howard to talk to all of his listeners.
  • Howard plays tape of Pastor Greg Nettle's sermon. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads..
    • 5-21-96. Last week Howard found out that this guy was going to do a sermon about 'what jesus would say to Howard Stern'. He talked to him on Friday. Today he played a little bit of the tape from the sermon. Howard was pretty nice to the guy on Friday but today he wasn't so nice. The pastor's sermon was just a friggin publicity stunt. He just rambled on about a bunch of crap that made no sense. He babbled on for about 20 minutes according to Stormin' Frehley from Ohio.
  • Howard goofs on Scott the Engineer after reading mail that said he looks like Uncle Fester. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads..
    • 5-14-96. Today was Scott's day for air time. Some woman wrote a letter to Howard telling him that Scott has an uncanny resemblance to Uncle Fester from the Addams Family TV show. Howard had Scott come in to the studio to put a light bulb in his mouth to see if he really did resemble Uncle Fester. Then they put a black bath robe on him and I guess he really did look like the great bald one. Then Howard started questioning Scott about his DJ business. The goofed on him about that crap for about a half an hour. This should make another great E! show.
  • Howard plays tape of Stuttering John interviewing Charlton Heston
  • Divine Brown comes in. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads..
    • 4-25-96. Remember Hugh Grant's run in with that hooker? Well this is the hooker. She came in this morning to plug her porno movie. Howard started off by complimenting Divine's nice teeth. Then he moved on and asked her how long it would take to put a condom on a banana. Divine said 3 seconds. So Howard pulled out a banana and a condom and put her up to it. She wasn't expecting to actually do this but she went along. Howard counted aloud ''..one alligator..two alligator..three alligato...whoa..3 alligators..'' and she was done putting it on. Next up were questions about being a hooker and questions about Hugh Grant. She never does anything other than fellatio! She says that she only used her mouth or her hand... So then Howard asked Divine how much she'd charge him for a little bliss. She never gave a straight answer. Then he told Fred to pretend to be a 'John' . Fred did his thing and Divine said that she wouldn't get in his car. She said that he was too scary! Then it was Jackie's turn. She said that she wouldn't get in with him because he looks too much like a cop...must be the Irish in him. Then we find out that Divine is hanging around with Jack Gordon, Latoya Jackson's husband. She's also hanging around with, porno star, Ron Jeremy. Howard never lets Ron in to the studio when he shows up. Does anyone care? Howard asked Divine about Hugh Grant and his weenie. Turns out that Hugh's weenie is tiny according to Divine. She said that Hugh pulled it out and showed it to her when he pulled up in his car.

• The Best Of Stern. 12/22/00.
  Thanks to everyone who sent in information about today's show. Here's what we heard on today's Best Of Stern:
  • 6:05 The Scrooge from Christmas Past (with Quinton the Stutterer and Elephant Boy
  • 6:15 Howard takes a phone call from a 39 year old woman who claims to have had sex with her niece. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads..
    • 6/5/96. A woman called in and said that she slept with her beautiful niece! What is this world coming to?
  • 6:35 Joey Buttafuco comes in the studio after being caught with a prostitute. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads..
    • 5-8-96. It was the usual interview with Joey today...Joey said that he was innocent of most charges that have been brought against him in his bizarre life and no one believed him. Joe claimed that he was paid by FOX television to lie about being guilty one time. Sure Joey. Everything was going well when Joey said that Amy Fisher's father once told him that he slept with his daughter. That was the match lighting the fuse... After the interview, and a commercial break, Amy Fisher's father, Elliott, called in to talk to Howard about the comment that Joey made. Joey was in the green room getting ready to leave. Howard had him come back in to talk this mess over. The whole thing erupted in to a major argument and yelling match. Both of them were accusing each other of all kinds of crap. The fight must have gone on for a good half hour to 45 minutes! Joey's wife, Maryjo, also called in to defend Joey. I'm sure that the story will make it to the news tonight. There were news crews gathering outside of the station by the time Howard was ready to leave today!
  • 7:50 A woman named Lenore calls in. Her husband left her and Howard tries to get to the bottom of it. Turns out the woman finally admits she weighs 200 and Howard figures that's the reason. Besides goofing on her, they then discuss why she's overweight and Howard's anger when fat people won't admit they eat like pigs.
  • 8:10 A woman who belongs to a Church Prayer Group calls in and says she wants to pray for Scott Salem so that he can stop smoking. Howard then tells her how useless these Church Groups are.
  • 8:30 Howard explains how sick and tired he is of doing live commercials in Scott's rooms due to the cigarette stench. Tom the GM told Scott he can't smoke in there because of Howard. Scott comes in and the gang discusses Scott's smoking habits. They play the "Brown Fingers" song. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads..
    • 6/12/96. That's the new rule for Scott the engineer in his studio. Last week, when Howard was sick, he was supposed to go in to the recording studio with Scott and do some commercials. He went in and the air was so full of smoke that he could barely breathe. He went to Tom Chiusano and told him that Scott shouldn't be able to smoke in there any more. Tom agreed and went right to Scott. Poor Scott is like a chain smoker and this must be a real blow to his cancer experiment. Scott says that it's a good thing because it's forced him to cut down on smoking. Although he does go in to another room to smoke. By 7:00 this morning he'd already had 3 cigarettes. Howard is still amazed that Scott hasn't quit smoking completely. He has other relatives that have had cancer so he's at risk. He thinks that Scott does it so that he has a ''cool'' image.
  • 9:15 A nutty 36 year old woman names Susan calls in claiming that because she looks like Elizabeth Taylor, and because (in her mind) her life has paralleled Taylor's, that she feels she is her daughter. Howard tells her she's a mental patient. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives reads..
    • 6/21/96. Some nutty woman who claims to be the biological daughter of Liz Taylor was in this morning to prove her sanity. Well it didn't work. This wacko came in and made herself look more mental than when she called in on the phone recently. She said that she had proof of her theory. She brought in a letter that some 'Lieutenant Colonel' wrote for her. The letter was just as weird as she was! According to Howard the letter was like 50 pages long and it didn't prove a thing about the woman's theory. She thinks that Liz Taylor gave her up for adoption. She says that she doesn't look like her brothers and sisters. She said that she and Liz have a lot in common. She dated a construction worker named Larry and so did Liz. She said that people tell her she looks like Liz Taylor...in pictures, not in person. Hmmmm. She weighs a ton, so does Liz! She's got me convinced! Howard brought in a couple of 'Doctors' to diagnose this woman. One doctor was Dr. Salem(Scott the engineer) who told Howard that she needs a lot of help. Then he brought in Dr. Chiuasano (Tom the general manager). He said that she showed signs of multiple personalities. I think she believed the so called 'Doctors'. I hope she finds a good hospital.
  • Howard talks to anonymous black model on the phone about her first lesbian experience.

  Special thanks to Win, Howard, Mike, James and the others who sent in today's update.