For The Week Of 11/20/2000 to 11/24/2000

• The Best Of Stern. 11/20/00.
  Howard is out for the whole week for the Thanksgiving holiday. We had some ''Best Of'' to keep us entertained today. Here's what we heard:
  • Phony Al Pacino phone call
  • ''Sinatra Sings Jackie the Joke Man Songs'' commercial parody
  • Dueling arguements
  • A wacky caller tells Howard he wants to buy a newspaper publisher with all of his life savings but Henny Youngman has to agree to write a poem for him each week
  • Rabbi Gottfried calls in to sing some Jewish songs for Howard. A woman who doesn't get that it's a joke tries to explain the Jewish holidays to him. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 4-4-96. To celebrate the Jewish holiday Howard had ''Rabbi Gottfried'' on the phone. The ''Rabbi'' was the one and only Gilbert Gottfried. Rabbi Gottfried sang a Jewish prayer for about 2 minutes without interruption! Rabbi Gottfried explained the holiday and how it's all a scam. He says the jews came up with it just to get a day off of work. The Rabbi stayed on for a little while but Howard got tired of it and hung up.
  • Sternac the Improbable
  • Howard auditions for Casey Kasem's job
  • A caller tells Howard how Fred and his wife got in a fight at The Rainbow Room. Fred goes nuts and threatens to leave the show over it. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 4-23-96. It all started off like any other phone call. A guy calls in and says that he saw Fred and Jackie, with their wives, at The Rainbow Room on Saturday night. The Rainbow Room is some kind of fancy restaurant or dance place in New York. The 4 of them were there to celebrate Jackie and Nancy's anniversary. This caller said that he saw Fred freak out in an argument with his wife Alison. He said that Fred knocked over some drinks and go storming off. Jackie and Nancy didn't see the fight because they were in a different part of the place. Howard was curious about what had gone on so he started asking Fred what had happened. Fred just said that he got in a fight and thought that if he left he'd be better off. Instead of fighting more and more, Fred just left. No one wanted to bring up the subject of the fight, especially Fred. Fred kept saying that Howard was going over the line. He was pushing too far in to his personal life. Howard kept on him about it and Fred just got even more mad. Then Fred's wife called in to yell at the guy that called in and broke the story! Fred even said that today would be his last day because Howard was entertaining this guy on the phone. Howard told him to think about what he was saying. Fred said that he had and today would be his last day. Then Jackie's wife called in to yell at the guy on the phone. What do these people expect when they go out in public? If you're any type of celebrity or semi-celebrity then anything that you do out in public will be publicized.
  • Fred returns to work the next day after threatening to leave the show. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 4-24-96. After yesterday's mess, Fred is still with the show. After the show yesterday, Fred didn't show up for the daily meeting. Then he canceled a meeting with the Private Parts production people! Howard didn't mind him missing the show meeting but canceling the production meeting really pissed him off. According to Fred, Super agent Don Buchwald calmed him down and talked some sense in to him. Howard replayed the whole argument this morning. Then the guy that started the whole thing was on the phone again. He pretty much apologized for bringing the thing up.
  • Fred shows up late to meetings and Howard wants to know why. Fred doesn't have an explanation
  • KKK member Daniel Carver calls in. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 4-8-96. Howard had the racist a-hole on the phone this morning to catch up on all the hatred. Howard was saying that he doesn't dislike black people and Daniel says to Howard ''...you just got that 'un(Robin) sittin there so you can tell nig*er jokes and get away with it...'' Daniel says that no one likes black people, they just pretend to. Daniel has moved to the mountains to ''flee the nig*ers'' He moved his family out there with him but still drives them in to school. A woman called in and cursed out Daniel. Dan asked if she was black, she said that she was Cherokee Indian and Daniel said ''...same thing...my ancestors said that the only good indian's a dead indian...'' Then Howard asked what was worse, American Indians, blacks or Jews. Daniel says that the Jews are the worst! According to him, blacks are animals and the Jews are the DEVIL!

• The Best Of Stern. 11/21/00.
  Day two of ''Best Of''. Here's what we heard today:
  • H&R Black Tax Return commercial parody
  • The Losers perform ''Wipeout'' on the Magic Johnson show
  • Ed Keating calls in to tell Howard his story of being in a coma for 21 days
  • Howard talks to Jessica Hahn about her Playboy layout
  • Jackie's wife Nancy admits that she's in a Pet Bereavement club so she can get over the death of her cat Timmy
  • Sal the Stockbroker brings in a few phony phone calls he made to Gary the Horse Tooth Jackass
  • William Shatner goes into the Homo Room. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 4-2-96. William Shatner(Captain Kirk on Star Trek) came in and had a very bizarre appearance. Today Howard decided to have Mr. Shatner enter a room that not many celebrities have entered...''The Homo Room'' The Homo Room is a place for the guys on the show to go and show their feminine side. Howard goes in to a gay voice and does all kinds of gay stuff. Howard became ''Stacy'', William Shatner became ''Jill'', Fred became ''Frederique'', Gary became ''Betsy'' and Jackie became ''Jessie''. Robin isn't aloud in the Homo Room because she's female. While in the room they did things like ''hide the frog(in the butt)'' and they typed with their genitals. Howard sang a couple of gay songs while Shatner tried to plug his Star Trek books, Star Trek The Return, Man O' War and Star Trek The Ashes of Eden. Shatner was playing along with the bit for quite some time. I was amazed how long he held out! I guess he'd do anything to plug his stuff on the show. After coming out of the homo room Howard whispered to Shatner, ''Bill ...you forgot to pull up your pants...'' When Howard went to commercial Shatner ran out and hugged Robin as if that would make him a man once again.
  • Captain Janks plays a phony phone call he made to the Home Shopping Club
  • Stuttering John interviews Andy Rooney, Mary Tyler Moore, G.E. Smith and others. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 4-23-96. Stuttering John was out again annoying the celebrities as best as he could. First up was Andy Rooney from 60 minutes. Then came Mary Tyler Moore once again. Mary hung in for the usual mess of questions. She seems to have a good sense of humor, not like most celebrities. Next was G.E. Smith from Saturday Night Live. John says to G.E. ''...ballsacksayswhat?'' G.E. didn't have a clue as to what he was saying. John then asked him ''...does your breath always smell this bad?'' G.E. Said yes. John asked him the ball sack question once again and G.E. Still didn't know what he said. Roseanne Cash, Johnnie Cash's daughter, was next. John asked her if she ever got horny watching Howard on E! She said that she hates Howard. She likes Rosie O'Donnell the fat headed unfunny freak. John tried the 'ballsacksayswhat' on this woman but she said that she wouldn't fall for that. Up next was Katie Couric from NBC or ABC or what ever news. John asks her ''..is crime down in New York because there are more cops on the streets or because the schvartzah's have finally calmed down?'' Katie then recognized John and wouldn't answer any more questions but said to tell Howard 'Hi' for her. Walter Kronkite was next. Walter has yelled at John before. John's first question was an easy one... ''Why are there so few black anchors?'' Walter started to answer but was cut off by his wife and some other bitch that told them who John was. Walter then left. Next up, Paula Zahn from CBS morning news. John asks her ''Who are you? Deborah Norville, Paula Zahn, Katie Couric or neither?'' She say's ''..lets see, I think I'm Paula Zahn'' Then he asks her if her breath smells like this all the time. She played along with the questions and answered them. Then some guy came and said ''okay, let's call it quits right here'' He said that the questions weren't appropriate. So there ya have it...
  • The World's Tallest Woman comes in to visit. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 4-10-96. The world's tallest woman came in this morning to plug her book. The 7' 7 1/4'' tall, 40 year old, 56 D chest, 370 pound woman came rolling in a wheelchair a little late this morning. Gary had arranged for the K-Rock van to pick the woman up early this morning but it failed to show. Eventually they got someone to pick the gentle giant up. Sandy has to ride in a large vehicle because of her size. She doesn't fit in a regular taxi or limo. Howard asked her about her sex life and the size of her private parts. Sandy, 40, is still a virgin! She's waiting for the right man to come along. I think she may die a virgin. Apparently, someone else had asked Sandy about her toilet habits so Howard wasn't the first. But then Howard had to ask her a question that no one else had...he asked about the size of her vagina. She said that it was in proportion to the rest of her body. Sandy told Howard why she had grown so tall, she had a tumor on her pituitary gland when she was young but it hadn't been diagnosed until she had grown to her full height. She was 6'3'' by the time she was 10 years old! The book that she was plugging is about being different. I believe the name of the book was 'It's okay to be different'. She does a lot of appearances in schools to tell kids that it's not so bad being a freak...or something like that. If you're ''different'' and you want to get this book, just dial 1-888-BIG-SANDY

• The Best Of Stern. 11/22/00.
  Day three of reruns this week. Here's what we heard on today's show:
  • ''Stuck on an Island with Queers'' song parody
  • ''The Robin Quivers Vocal Institute'' commercial parody
  • Howard talks to the Boston Bozo the Clown
  • Guess who's the Jew with Kurt Waldheim Jr. and a caller from Dallas. Choices were Wack Pack members Kenneth Keith Kallenbach, Celeste and Fred the Elephant Boy. Fred was the correct answer.
  • Howard talks to Colleen, a woman who killed her abusive boyfriend
  • Pat Cooper comes in so Howard can find out why he bad mouthed him on the Rick Turner show. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 4-5-96. Pat Cooper, comedian, has a rough history with the Stern show as many of you may know. Howard has fought and made up with Pat in the past. Now Howard says that Pat has been out bad mouthing him on other talk shows. Pat was all fired up when he came on this morning. He was yelling and screaming about how E! edited his last appearance to make him look bad. Scott Einziger came in to defend his editing. He said that they just edit to match what Howard says and plays on tape. Pat says that if he edited it, it would be a totally different show...duh. Howard had tape of Pat bad mouthing him on the Rik Turner show. Some listener called in and said that while he was doing construction at Pat's Mother's house, she gave him a bunch of Pat's stuff. She gave him pictures, trophy's and crap like that. Pat told the guy to just burn the stuff. Pat had family problems years ago and he doesn't really care about his mother. He doesn't want to relive his horrible youth. Howard eventually got back to the tape from the Rick Turner show. Pat said something about the Jackie Marshmallow incident. He doesn't like that kind of comedy. Howard told him that it's just a generation gap in comedy. Pat stuck around for the news and did his usual yelling and screaming routine. Then a woman, Simone, came in to have her breasts painted like easter eggs. Pat said he was thrilled to have something like this happen while he's there. Pat said her breasts looked like artichokes! Howard did some finger painting and Simone started to put her sweater on while the paint was still wet. Gary got her a t-shirt and she was out of there. This was the only easter breast painting this year because Howard forgot to mention it during the week.
  • Howard plays a phony phone call he made to a guy who wanted him to create a multi-media CD-ROM. An excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com Archives reads:
    • 4-17-96. Howard must be on a phony phone call kick. He made a phony call to some guy that wanted to make a CD-Rom game for him. He pretended like he really wanted to do this cd-rom. He came up with ideas that should have freaked the guy out like ''Mash the Mexicans'', a game where you pick a weapon like a baseball bat, what you do is go to a bad part of a city like Los Angeles and try to mash the mexicans. The cd-rom guy didn't even flinch when Howard pitched the idea. Another game was ''Dootie Pac-man'', you'd be Pac-Man in the New York harbor cleaning all the fecal matter out of the water.
  • A woman calls in to complain about Robin and her laugh. Howard finds out she lives in a trailer park and spends some time goofing on her
  • Howard and the crew discuss the old ''Superman'' TV series
  • An angry Jamaican calls in to yell at Howard about OJ Simpson
  • Guess who's the Jew with Kurt Waldheim Jr and phone caller Billy. Choices were Teri Hatcher, Sharon Stone and Jamie Lee Curtis. Jamie Lee was the correct answer.

• The Best Of Stern. 11/23/00.
  Day 4 of reruns. I wasn't listening to the New York station because I was up in Massachusetts on vacation. For some reason the show ended around 9:30 so I don't know if they carried the whole show. Here's what I heard:
  • The Homeless Brady Bunch TV show parody
  • From 1988.. Howard decides to play old tape from his WNBC days. Here's what he played:
    • Carly Simon performs ''Anticipation''
    • Mr. Nixon's Neighborhood
    • Janie the cleaning lady meets Dick Clark
    • Howard yells at his boss John Hayes days before he gets fired
    • Jackie the Joke Man's horrible Gary Burgoff impression
    • Howard tells Soupy Sales that he's going to cut his piano wires after leaving the studio a mess
    • Mamalookaboobooday bit

• The Best Of Stern. 11/24/00.
  The final day of reruns. Here's what we heard on today's show:
  • 1-900-Dennis Miller commercial parody
  • Green Day performs ''Minority''
  • Howard talks to Catherine Falk, daughter of Peter Falk
  • Howard plays old tape from his WNBC days including:
    • Howard makes phony phone calls to radio DJ Jack Spector
    • ''Gaystroke: The Legend of Tarzan the Gay Ape'' bit
    • Howard talks to a woman who was upset with him talking about orgasms
    • Howard interviews Elliot Easton
  • Howard talks to Janie the cleaning lady years after leaving WNBC
  • Garry Shandling calls in to promote ''The Larry Sanders Show''
  • Paula Ciccone comes in claiming she's Madonna's sister
  • Howard discusses why he would never be able to teach special education kids