Brush with Greatness


The following story was submitted by a fan of The Howard Stern Show who wanted to share their ''Brush with Greatness'' with others.

Submitted by: Adam - 12/22/02

The story...

When I first heard about the world's meanest listener contest I didnít even plan on entering. But since Howard was saying that not a lot of people were entering I decided not to pass up an opportunity for Howard to hear my entry. My goal was to get it played on the air, I never thought I'd be one of the finalists. In less than 20 minutes I came up with my material for Robin and Howard. Since I never thought I'd win I didn't put that much effort into the recording. Howard's sounded very much like I was reading it off a piece of paper, and with Robin's I was in a good mood that maybe my roast would be played on the air, so I put some energy into it.

On December 6, a day I only heard the show up until 8am or so my entry was chosen as one of the final 11 to be in the contest. I didnít find that out until I got a call from Anne Marie around noon. When she called she told me who she was and more importantly, where she was calling from and I responded ''Really?'' in a very surprised way. She just needed my e-mail address, I guess I didn't write it clear on my CD. She told me that someone would be calling me later. Unfortunately I was at ''work'' when KC called and would have to call him back on Monday. To me it was cool that someone who is on the show every day actually called my house. But I had to wait 2 and a half days to talk with him. That Monday I called the show at 6:30am, and called KC and he told me about the contest. Then 10 minutes later he was n the air talking to Howard, I thought that was cool too. Basically all he told me that I didn't know was when the contest would be, the rest was on the website at the time. He wasn't screaming at me or acting anything like he was on the show, just talking like a normal person.

The day of the show I woke up an hour later than I planned to. I have no recollection of shutting my alarm off, but luckily my mom came in my room and woke me up. I got ready quickly and made it to the station a few minutes before 6am. The Reverend Bob Levy greeted me by saying he was Howard and that it was nice to meet me. There were about 5 people waiting and everyone was interested to find out who the ''nig*er, nig*er, nig*er, nig*er'' guy was. He showed up and a couple minutes later Ronnie the limo driver came out and checked our names off a list. By that time everyone showed up except Sal, and we were brought to the 14th floor and had to wait in this little lobby that has been seen on the TV show a lot. I was surprised that all the contestants looked like normal people that you wouldn't look twice at if you walked by them on the street, except Yucko. We all had to sign 2 releases, have out bags searched, and our bodies checked with the metal detector. When we were brought into the greenroom there were pictures hung up all over the walls. There was one with Gary Dell'Abate without his teeth, KC is his underwear, Hank the Dwarf naked, and a close up of Hi Pitch Eric with ''I like penis'' written on his forehead. Sal and Bob did intros for the E! camera guy, but not before Yucko took his dick out and started dancing around. While waiting in the green room I saw Artie and Gary walk by a couple times. Sam Simon was on the show so the world's meanest listener contest was delayed, and we didnít get into the studio until about 8:30.

When we were brought into the studio they had 11 seats. There was an extra person and KC and Gary figured out he scammed his way in and he was thrown out. I donít think it was mentioned on the air, but that could be to not encourage other people to do the same. I was in the back row sitting next to the only female contestant who was pretty hot, along with Derek, Bob Levy and Sal the Stockbroker. Yucko and the others were in the front row of stools. The first thing I noticed while in the studio was that it looks a lot bigger on TV. The other thing I noticed that you can't on TV is all the stuff for the show that is kept on the side of the room. Like the monkey's wheel for the football picks, and other crap I can't remember. From where I was sitting I could hardly see Robin and to see Howard I had to lean to my right over Yucko's shoulder. I really donít think Howard is as ugly as he says he is, and I was about 12 feet away from him. I was able to see a little bit of Fred but he just kept his head down most of the time. I'm sure he was busy with sound effects and other radio stuff that I know nothing about. And Artie was standing up most of the time. All I could see of Benjy was the top of his head.

When it was my turn to come up to the microphone my mouth went completely dry. But my brother told me I spoke really clear while I was on the show. Yucko said something to me and we argued for a while, trading insults back and forth. I usually have to say ''uh'' when someone asks me a simple question like do I know what time it is, but when I was arguing with Yucko I kept up with him. A commercial break was taken shortly after my turn and Stuttering John came in and told me that he helped me get into the finals. Howard was doing a commercial for some video games and he was mispronouncing the company by saying ''name-co'' so I said to Gary who was a couple of feet away ''it's Nam(like Vietnam)Co.'' Gary said to Howard on the mic that I know about the game and Howard asked me about the game. I made up that it had ''realistic action'' and that I heard a lot of good stuff about it. I should have added that if they had any lying around I would take it off their hands, but I forget to. I also got a picture taken with Doug Goodstein and Ronnie during the break. I also learned that Fred shouts out how much time there is until Howard has to do a live commercial. I had another argument with Yucko during the next segment but Howard ended it, seeing that it was going nowhere. The rest of the contestant's roasts were played and then Howard took another break. The next day 8 people would be eliminated, I was sure I was going to be one of them. I didnít hang around during the break, I just got my stuff and left.

On day 2, December 17 I arrived at the same time and talked to Brian a few minutes who called Artie the N word a lot in his roast. A couple minutes before 6 I saw KC come into the building, and Benjy too. We were supposed to get there at 6:30, but no one told me. Everyone arrived by about 6:20 and was brought into the green room. Pamela, the only female contestant waited in another green room because she said she didn't want to be around all the smoke. Some of the guys ragged on her about that. Around 7:50 we were brought into the studio.

It would be the same as the day before, the person would be called up to the mic and Howard would play their roast. But this time he would tell the person if they lost or not. Before Howard did that though, he held the person in suspense for a few seconds then broke the news to them, or told them they were going to the next round. I had to go to the bathroom really bad, so I did my best at using sign language to ask Doug if I could run to the bathroom real quick. He said that I couldnít because my turn was coming up very soon. So I had to hold it until the break. The day before I called up KC and asked if I could have 20 seconds to say how I thought Gary treated me like an asshole while I was on the show. So before Howard talked to me KC brought it up and I said how ''I thought Gary treated me like an asshole.'' He didnít at all, I'm just paranoid. So I apologized to Gary and that was the end of that. Howard talked to me for a short while then told me I came in 5th place with 7.2% of the vote. I wasnít disappointed at all. I've been a big fan of the show for a while (unfortunately everyone in my family hates Howard, so I didnít start listening to the show until about 4 years ago when a friend told me about the Saturday night CBS show) and it was cool to see everyone in person and see what goes in during breaks and before the guests go on the air. Yucko was already told that he made it to the next round. After me there were 3 people left: Pamela, Sal, and Bob. Two of them would make it to the next round. So during the break I took a leak. When I came back I asked Gary if ''I could have a cigarette?'' He replied by saying ''right here?'' So I said ''I know this sounds weird but I thought it'd be cool to have one of your cigarettes.'' He said sure and I followed him into that room right next to the studio and into his office. He pulled a Marlboro light out of his inside jacket pocket and gave me one. Now I am the proud owner of a cigarette formerly owned by Gary Dell'Abate. I guess that request was pretty weird, but it would have been even weirder if I asked him to put it in his mouth, which I didn't. I also donít think he has big teeth, he does lick his lips once in a while though. His lips only look big when he presses them together to cover his teeth. Also during the commercial I did a short interview with Richie the camera guy. He asked me if I was disappointed I lost, I said that I wasn't and that being on the show was prize enough. He also asked me if I was upset that Yucko won, I said I'm just surprised people would vote for a child molester. Then he asked me something like if I was angry at the fans, I don't remember what I said but I know it wasnít something like I was angry at the fans.

When Howard returned from the break he told Pamela that she was moving onto the next round. Then he had Sal and Bob come up to the microphone, only one of them would move onto the next round. Bob would, Sal came in 6th place. Then the 8 losers got to see Bob, Pamela and Yucko do their roasts. Pamela didn't even get a mercy laugh from Howard. Yucko was pretty funny but not as funny as Bob Levy. Howard mentioned that the band Third Eye Blind would be in next and that one of them banged Charlize Theron. After the segment was over I didnít run out of the building like the day before. This was my one shot to get a few pictures with people and some autographs. Artie took a picture with me and I took one of him with another contestant. Our pictures must be worth hundreds, Artie wasn't wearing his worn out Yankee shirt or plaid shirt, just kidding. Artie was really cool about it, he didnít seem annoyed or in a rush at all. Just looking at Artie he seems like a cool guy. I donít know if I'd feel that way if he wasnít on the show, but I definitely thought he had a presence about him. I donít remember where Robin or Fred was at that point. After that we were all brought into the green room and Sal or Bob did a wrap up of what just happened.

Very shortly after we had to be brought into another green room. As we waited to go inside the band Third Eye Blind was leaving. Derek, who made up that he wrote a book called ''How to Talk to the Black'' said to one of the guys ''congratulations on banging Charlize Theron.'' The pussy band member had him thrown out. One of the other guys shouted out ''Fag'' to them but I guess he wasn't thrown out because they didn't see him. We waited in the much nicer green room for a few minutes until Anne Marie came in to ask us how much money we spent on traveling to the show. I said $9, I could have lied and gotten more but I didn't. I was surprised that we all got cash and not a check. One of the other contestants, Chris asked Anne Marie if she could get Howard to sign this picture he made of John Stamos giving it to Howard doggy style. She said she would give it to Gary and he'd ask Howard. Seeing that this was my only opportunity to get my book signed by Howard I asked the same question. Howard signed Chris' picture ''Where's my cock? Howard Stern.'' Mine was signed ''To Adam your pal Howard Stern'' I'm sure he signs a lot of stuff like that but he still could have said no to signing it at all, so that was pretty cool. We all hung out in the greenroom for about an hour until we all got our money back and stuff signed. A lot of the people thought that Pamela had someone who worked at a place with a lot of computers vote for her. Because she was not that funny. While waiting in the green room I got a picture with Scott the Engineer and Stuttering John. It told John that ''I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a big fan.'' Then I said that was a joke, he didn't seem annoyed but he might have been in a rush. But he did pose for a picture with me and another person, so that was pretty cool. After all the money was given out Ronnie told us that we had to go. I was going to ask him to sign my book ''Hey Adam, what are you talking about? Ronnie'' but I didn't. When I went to the elevator Artie was waiting with another guy who I didnít recognize. So we all got onto the elevator and I asked him if he would mind signing my book. He said no and signed it ''To Adam, What's up? Artie Lange'' Then we waved goodbye outside the building and I went home. I hope there's another contest next year, I think I had some good material in case I made it to round 2.

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